deadcactuswalking

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 09/08/2025 (Chappell Roan's "The Subway", Oasis)

We have another new #1 for the third week in a row on the UK Singles Chart – and this time, really new (though also not that new, we’ll get to it) as Chappell lands her second #1 in the UK with her brand new smash hit “The Subway” debuting at the top spot. We’ll cover that and more in this week’s episode of this “tubular” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, sex references

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts, those being songs that exited from the UK Top 75 (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to Ozzy Osbourne’s posthumous tracks, “Mama, I’m Coming Home” and “No More Tears” (as well as the Black Sabbath tracks “War Pigs” and “Iron Man”). Additionally, we say farewell to “Fame is a Gun” by Addison Rae, “Can’t Decide” by Locky and the Deans and finally, “Wonderwall” by Oasis, but we’ll see why.

Then we have our gains and re-entries, with our returns including some long-time hits creeping back from the great exile of the last few weeks: “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” by Shaboozey at #74, “Too Sweet” by Hozier at #73, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers at #72, “The Days” by Chrystal at #70, “The Door” by Teddy Swims at #67 and the more current resurges for “Dive” by Olivia Dean at #59 and “Back to Me” by Rudimental and Jess Glynne at a new peak of #43 (, with some notable boosts elsewhere for “What I Want” by Morgan Wallen featuring Tate McRae at #66, “Saiyaara” (from, you guessed it, Saiyaara) by Tanishk Bagchi, Faheem Abdullah, Arslan Nizami and Irshad Kamil at #65, “That’s So True” by Gracie Abrams at #62, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls at #58 (why?), “Bad Dreams” by Teddy Swims at #55 (with the even older “Lose Control” at #49), “Die with a Smile” by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars at #54, “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey at #48, “Takedown” by TWICE at #47, “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan at #45 (likely from residual streams after her new #1, more on her later), “Mystical Magical” by Benson Boone at #44, “APT.” by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars at #39, “Messy” by Lola Young at #37, “YUKON” by Justin Bieber at #24, “12 to 12” by sombr at #19 and finally, “Soda Pop” by the “Saja Boys” from KPop Demon Hunters at #6.

Now as for our top five, we have “No Broke Boys” by Disco Lines and Tinashe at #5, “Dior” by MK featuring Chrystal at #4, “DAISIES” by Justin Bieber at #3 and of course, “Golden” by “HUNTR/X” (EJAE, AUDREY NUNA, REI AMI) from the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack at #2 whilst Chappell lands at the throne. Now we have a shorter week (I’m glad) with a quartet of new entries from two lesbians, two thespians and TWICE – let’s just dive in.

New Entries

#75 – “Folded” – Kehlani

Produced by Andre Harris, D.K. the Punisher, Don Mills and Khris Riddick

Well, what a pleasant surprise. It’s been a while since Kehlani charted and whilst I was too lukewarm on songs I heard from their two albums they pushed out last year (CRASH and While We Wait 2), I’ll always be glad to hear from them and give their new releases a shot, partly because they have made music I love in the past, like their 2022 record blue water road, and I just generally want to support Kehlani as one of the more interesting R&B acts. It seems that their features on viral remixes for Jordan Adetunji and kwn could have helped funnel some traction into their newest solo work which has been charting in the US for a while. With Andre Harris – one half of prolific R&B producers Dre & Vidal – leading a group of more modern producers, I had some hopes this would reel me right back in on the Kehlani train and I think it does. A large part of that is the delicacy of the lyrical situation, a relationship that has gone sour but is still stitched together by an undying feeling that probably isn’t love, probably isn’t mutual, but is a wanting to be with them, with the chorus having that great imagery of the partner coming to pick up their clothes from Kehlani’s house in the cold with the caveat that the relationship is only as cold as the weather, it’s not “frozen”. I love that specific word here because a frozen feeling could thaw out at any point after applying heat but the cold feeling lingers in a way that might even be ignorable or preventable, but doesn’t need to be pressured to warm back up, it just needs some time. That time and warmth might be the main cure for this relationship, given what Kehlani needed was space and when they came back to their partner, a return to how it used to be, but the sad truth if you read some of these lyrics is that the effort is not really there on the other side. Kehlani still folds their ex-partner’s clothes and promises of a time where they could re-spark, but that second verse shows an exhausted and potentially lying partner that they’ll still come crawling back to. Their standards are simple and it’s not about any grand profession of love, just a warm familiarity: “I don't need roses, just need some flowers from my garden”.

Combine that delicacy with some of the sweetest string sections I’ve heard in R&B, a throwback guitar-based groove and the brilliant touch of peppering in the strings back in with speed at the end of the measure once they’ve been drowned out to echo those dreams of the fire returning (and right before the second verse, having them stop abruptly and dramatically)… this is some fantastic R&B. Sure, I wish the vocal engineering was a little barer at times for that extra soul, but that’s not really been Kehlani’s M.O. and their harmonies as they often do fill out the mix beautifully, particularly in the second half of the chorus as the backing vocals phase into the strings, gently holding them down to the ground. Given the conceit of the song and particularly the post-chorus being Kehlani leading their ex-partner in, asking them to let their body decide if it would be a good idea to give them one more try after everything, I actually think a fade-out outro is perfect. Let the listener fill in that decision. Kehlani later released a version of the song produced by themselves, Riddick and Isaiah Huron that completely reimagines the song into a mostly acapella, very minimal “(un)Folded”, seemingly as just a cute little experiment in sound design that does reach a very interesting kind of sound, though one that is too compressed to be as atmospheric and detailed as it’s clearly going for, and maybe requires a more low-key lead vocal performance. I definitely prefer the original (both are growers) but if artists are going to release different versions of their hit singles, I’d much prefer it’s transformative stuff like this than “extended” mixes or tacked-on remixes.

#64 – “Strategy” – TWICE

Produced by earattack and WOO

It may not seem like it initially, as this track originally released last year with a Megan Thee Stallion feature, but this is yet another example of the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack landing a chart hit. Unlike the rest of them, however, this plays during a montage if I recall correctly and has little relevance to the plot or in-universe “HUNTR/X” group, mostly because it’s a pre-existing TWICE song, and also nothing that special in terms of meeting the bombast of the character-led songs. That doesn’t mean I’m not a fan, though, I think it fits the vibrant, bubbly art style perfectly and embraces much of the same charm. The version on the soundtrack is shorter, cutting Megan off but still embodying the late disco staples of dreamy strings and flashy synths into a groovy step-by-step guide into how to get all the boys. The problem with this guide is that it’s basically just “how to do this: be me, who already does this”, but I don’t feel like the joke is lost on TWICE jokingly calling this their “Strategy” – the chorus has the delightfully-worded “Winning is my trademark” after all. Even if it wasn’t made for the film (not even the same producers), it still falls into some of the K-pop tropes it parodies, like the awkward trap breakdown, but I feel that, given it’s fully in English, it’s more tied into western pop trends, partly because of it being not an amalgamation but more of a faithful modernisation of synth-funk and dance-pop of a bygone era, and also because structurally, there aren’t many surprises. It’s the “Strategy” after all – have an infectious hook, cutesy video, moments of impact and bam! You can now brainwash a nation and steal their souls. Real hot girl shit.

#31 – “Slide Away” – Oasis

Produced by Dave Batchelor

Oasis being so present in the charts this year feels not just like some reunion gift or anniversary celebration but also a signpost of British misery this year. Britpop always failed to truly act on or believe the “Cool Britannia” movement adopted with or transposed onto it – I read an interview with Miki Berenyi of Lush a few days ago that briefly touched upon this – and in 2025, where we have a neo-Blairite government that promised change and were met with a landslide only for all hope to collapse within one year… it’s all too fitting that decade-old Oasis songs soundtrack that. I barely write about them either, I mostly write around them because I’m just not interested in Oasis B-sides. Judas! Why’s 1994 B-side “Slide Away” charting now? They performed it live on their comeback gig in Cardiff and released this version as a single. Why didn’t it chart then? It was only a buzz single in certain territories and was an album track in the UK, attached to other hit singles and on their debut album Definitely Maybe (which is #6 on this week’s album chart). Why is it six and a half minutes? God knows. “Slide Away” is a love song written on a guitar lent to Noel Gallagher by Johnny Marr of The Smiths. Like many songs Oasis made, the recording involved drunken arguments and like many moments in their career, the boys later commented in their Stop the Clocks DVD that they had some regrets, namely that they hadn’t played this one live enough as it became a fan favourite. It’s also in those interviews wherein they state the song wasn’t a single because Noel insisted you could not have five singles off of a debut album (…what?) and that it’s Paul McCartney’s favourite Oasis song, which makes a lot of sense to me. It’s an earnest track but one that earnestly lives for an unreachable fantasy, almost childishly. Very Paul.

#1 – “The Subway” – Chappell Roan

Produced by Daniel Nigro

There probably will not be a new Chappell Roan album for years, and I’m okay with that. Music takes time and you could make the argument that good music takes even longer (I wouldn’t always agree), and with an artist like Chappell who was releasing singles from her debut album for four years until it released, it doesn’t seem like it’ll damage her career to continue with that method of making the music, ensuring you’re proud of it and that it’s finished, releasing it, and hoping the vision comes through eventually. Sometimes, that takes years, especially if you care about the craft or you’re as famous as Chappell and have to reluctantly do a bunch of press. Thus far, her third drip-feed single that could be from an album that eventually might release has debuted at #1 after the first was her breakout hit and the second debuted at #2 so I think she’ll be just fine (and given her relationship with the public eye, when she stops charting, it might be a blessing in disguise).

The song itself, “The Subway”, is a more personal one and a bit of a drift away from her recent hits. She first performed the track a year ago at the 2024 Governor’s Ball in New York, with the track not making its studio premiere after she played it once again this year and announced to fans its forthcoming release. Speaking to Vogue, she explained the wait as being because the feelings for the ex-girlfriend the song is about were still there and it was “just too painful” to release it as emotions were still running high, which could be why she was quick to downplay the song as not “super serious” when discussing the music video, a “campy” affair that was her first music video in a while after years of avoiding the difficult production process of them. Given how she speaks of the songwriting process being frustrating, it seems like there’s a lot of labour into this song’s push as a whole, so the #1 might feel like hard work paid off. I sure don’t have two UK #1s, I’m just Discord friends (we have not interacted in years) with a guy who once made an officially licensed remix of a novelty Christmas song that charted, and I definitely didn’t put a lick of work in to get that, I just had to review it. Speaking of, what do I actually think of the song?

"The Subway" is a melancholy dream pop ballad about seeing an ex on the subway and being reminded of the overwhelming feelings that are still there, waiting impatiently for the day that none of this matters and she’s just another faceless face to them, one that she can ignore when she sees on the subway. I love the wistful guitar tones against the relatively subtle but not feathery drums and the way the song bursts with swell for that aching pre-chorus is just magical, with a gorgeous performance from Chappell that occasionally wrings into a crack but sticks mostly to an endlessly strolling delivery, what I imagine mulling about and sighing would sound like if it were translated into vocal notes. I adore how she can still punch in some lighthearted, breezy comic tone into that second verse, with the line “I made a promise if in four months, the feeling ain’t gone – well, fuck this city, I’m moving to Saskatchewan” (the second verse reads to me like she really wanted to use Saskatchewan in a song and wrote the verse around somehow getting there). The most intimate moments of loss are in the choruses, which replace the gorgeous, massive-feeling pre-chorus with a minimal dwelling on subtle ways where she can still pop up in her mind, like an empty staircase or worrying that she’ll end up moaning her ex’s name during sex (giving credence to the song being a spiritual counterpart to “Casual”), the kind of moments you honestly feel kind of pathetic for worrying about but are all too real for Chappell and accompany weighty strums of guitar and a distant 80s drums that eventually webs up into an incredibly-textured fill landing us into the outro which relies upon a sole bit of wordplay: twisting Billy Joel’s 1971 debut single “She’s Got a Way” into “she’s got away”, repeating it like a mantra until it becomes true. This is yet another great song from Chappell and also one that really owns being a pop song with all the theatrics of the 80s and 90s greats who made pop singles and videos into events. It might be the first #1 this year to sound like one.

Conclusion

Well, this is difficult because these are consistently great songs in my opinion. Even the mediocre Oasis song is still perfectly serviceable guitar-pop, but “Slide Away” does get Worst of the Week just because I’ve never been a fan. Best of the Week… Chappell Roan just about clinches it with “The Subway” but Kehlani is very close with “Folded” as the Honourable Mention, both songs I adored on first listen. As for what’s on the horizon, I’m sure Craig David’s new album will just steamroll the charts, completely bypassing the three-song rule and landing him with every single spot on the chart just because he’s that much of a legend (I’m not listening to that album and, chances are, neither are you, but all respect is due). Jokes aside, probably Ed Sheeran and Jelly Roll. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 02/08/2025 (Drake & Central Cee, Black Sabbath's Paranoid, sombr, Lola Young)

Justin Bieber is overtaken by a CGI K-pop group this week. EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI all grab their first ever #1 on the UK Singles Chart with “Golden”, the smash hit from the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack, in which the trio sings as fictional girl group “HUNTR/X”. The song usurps Bieber’s “DAISIES” (now at #2) and is the first K-pop track to top the UK Singles Chart since PSY made history back in 2012 back in “Gangnam Style”. HUNTR/X are the first cartoons to top the chart since the cast of Encanto in 2022, joining the likes of Crazy Frog, Bob the Builder, Mr. Blobby and Bart Simpson. Welcome back to this “animated” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, references to sex, abusive relationships, Satanism, the Vietnam War, drug dealing and the bassline revival

Rundown

As always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts, those being songs exiting the UK Top 75 after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, oh, boy, we have quite a few (including a few very long-term hits with many weeks on the chart) as we bid adieu to: “Dive” by Olivia Dean, “Suzanne” by Mark Ronson and RAYE, “Gold” by Myles Smith, “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri, “Rock that Body” by the Black Eyed Peas, “The Days” by Chrystal, “The Door” by Teddy Swims, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” by Shaboozey, and yes, even, “Mr. Brightside” by The Killers, though not for long, I imagine.

Before we get into our other gains and returns, we of course see the first full week of tracking for posthumous streams of the Prince of Darkness Ozzy Osbourne’s immense back catalogue, both solo and with Birmingham metal pioneers Black Sabbath. These round out pretty nicely: two songs new to the top 75, two re-entries and two gains, all in the top 50. Whilst we don’t see Ozzy’s only UK #1 (his 2003 version of the Black Sabbath song “Changes” re-recorded with his daughter Kelly), we do see his other solo hits crop up, namely “No More Tears” at #46, Lemmy-penned ballad “Mama, I’m Coming Home” at #45 and his debut single “Crazy Train” gaining from its return last week to #25, the latter two actually being new peaks for these decade-old songs. “No More Tears” and “Mama, I’m Coming Home” were both singles from his 1991 album No More Tears, one of his most successful solo efforts alongside the debut Blizzard of Ozz. The title track peaked at #32 that year whilst Bryan Adams’ long-running snooze “(Everything I Do) I Do it for You” was lengthening its record run at #1, though by the time “Mama, I’m Coming Home” reached its initial peak of #46 that same year, Michael Jackson’s “Black or White” was topping the chart. We also have Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” gaining to #20 off of the return last week (it peaked at #4 on release), and we’ll be discussing the band in more detail later.

Then we have our other gains and returns which are much less plentiful namely YUNGBLUD’s “Zombie” back at a new peak of #71 then gains for “Devil in Disguise” by Marino at #50, “Sparks” by Coldplay at #39, “No Broke Boys” by Disco Lines and Tinashe at #8 (Disco Lines’ first ever top 10) and, finally, KPop Demon Hunters with fictional rival boy band the “Saja Boys” – in reality: Andrew Choi, Neckwav, Danny Chung, KEVIN WOO and samUIL Lee – launching “Soda Pop” and “Your Idol” to #11 and #10 respectively, all artists’ first top 10s.

As for our top five on the UK Singles Chart, we have “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter at #5 before a new arrival as Drake returns to the top 10 at #4, though he needed Central Cee for it, with “Which One”, more on that later. Then we return to normalcy with “Dior” by MK featuring Chrystal at #3 and of course, the top two being “DAISIES” and “Golden”. Now for our set of new entries, which is honestly a bizarre set of tracks, you’ll see why.

New Entries

#73 – “Saiyaara” (from Saiyaara) – Tanishk Bagchi, Faheem Abdullah, Arslan Nizami and Irshad Kamil

Produced by Tanishk Bagchi and Ganesh Waghela

Say what you will about Bollywood, they definitely don’t leave you wanting more. This theme song for Mohit Suri’s Hindi blockbuster Saiyaara is six minutes long and unlike many other Indian films that are successful in the UK but don’t cross over to the larger audience outside of the Asian music charts, we actually get this song, performed by Faheem Abdullah with music from Abdullah, Tanishk Bagchi and Arslan Nizami, and lyrics from poet Dr. Irshad Kamil, charting in the UK Top 75. Frankly, this is the result of marketing genius: weekly single releases every Tuesday leading up to the soundtrack album which released a week before the film, hyping up the release among moviegoers, whilst paying tribute to another Indian romantic drama Suri was influenced by, 1990’s Aashiqui; a Hollywood Reporter article gives much credit to the soundtrack for the film’s success, turning it from a “mid-sized film to a tentpole romantic event”. I just like the phrase “tentpole romantic event” and for what it’s worth, I have not seen this film or have any interest in doing so really, and I also don’t speak Hindi, but with the lengthy runtime, Abdullah’s belting (though lost in the mix, ended up sounding a bit more like a warble especially with the Auto-Tune), the string swells starting around midway through and most importantly, the cheesy-as-fuck electric guitars, the title track replicates that feeling of being a massive melodramatic movie. There is also a shorter female reprise by Shreya Ghoshal that doesn’t quite get the immenseness across but is infinitely more replayable (it’s less than half the length and takes a softer ballad approach instrumentally, I actually like this version quite a bit). Bit of a weird way to start it off, but we actually stick with massive soundtrack spectacles for the next track.

#63 – “TAKEDOWN” – TWICE (JEONGYEON, JIHYO and CHAEYOUNG)

Produced by Lindgren and Ian Eisendrath

We have yet another song from the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack, this one performed by real-life K-pop girl group TWICE, this being their first time charting in the UK. I don’t know much about TWICE, but they have songs with Dem Jointz so they’re fine by me. They actually appear in the film and soundtrack several times, with their song “Strategy” (which I love), but this one is much more connected to the plot, being sung also by HUNTR/X who have a separate version on the soundtrack sung by EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI, though the producers remain the same. In the context of the film, “Takedown” is a diss track planned to serve as an exposé of the rival boy band Saja Boys as the demons they actually are, with HUNTR/X going all “meet the grahams” by saying the Saja Boys don’t even deserve to live. With that said, lines like “I don’t think you’re ready for the takedown” and “I see your real face and it’s ugly as sin” speak to more than just the Saja Boys diss but also lead character Rumi’s secret identity as being half-demon, which she’s kept from her bandmates and the public until the film’s climax. You even see a fictional depiction of the song’s writing stages in the film, which is a cute parallel to the end credits showing footage of the TWICE girls recording their version. Nice segue, I know, but the versions really are quite similar. They both start with a lot of cinematics and continue in the film’s typical style of bombast, with a synth-driven first verse and trap breakdown you’d very much expect from K-pop. The over-the-top violent lyrics fit perfectly with the complete disregard for flow (in the name of spectacle) that this soundtrack’s satirical takes on K-pop have and I do enjoy how dark the synth tones are on here to reflect that; either version works completely fine. As a final note, regarding the all-caps name spam in the title, the members of TWICE who provide lead vocals – and I suppose the counterparts to the HUNTR/X trio – are credited here separately as well which is somewhat confusing but record labels just do whatever when it comes to crediting on streaming services nowadays, especially with soundtracks.

#62 – “Ring Ring Ring” – Tyler, the Creator

Produced by Tyler, the Creator

As expected with an album that drops on a Monday with no singles, we get a second-week switcheroo, replacing opener “Big Poe” and “Sucka Free” with a deeper cut and arguably more radio-friendly fan favourite from DON’T TAP THE GLASS, “Ring Ring Ring”, which is also one of my favourites, it’s basically pop perfection. Sampling Ray Parker, Jr.’s band Raydio, Tyler gets in his electro-funk bag once again and pines for a lover he seemingly very recently broke up with, given he still remembers how they smell and how their “sugar walls” feel (gross), but with the conceit that they’re much further away moving past Tyler than he wants to know, with that phone never picking up even if he’s imagining them getting back together for a romantic dinner in the first verse. Amidst references to not just Raydio but other classic funk tunes from Cherelle, Kool & the Gang and MJ himself, Tyler becomes increasingly frustrated with this ex-partner, rising from the melodic drawl of the intro refrain to an up-in-the-clouds falsetto in the first verse then finally, the exhausted yet demanding rap of the bridge to get them on the line. The real pull of this song to me would obviously be the production with the drum machine plodding and sparking over vintage disco strings, decorated with phone ringing sound effects and Tyler’s pretty desperate-sounding “Hello?” plea disguised as a chorus. T. Nava of the Free Nationals appears on the talkbox backing vocals amidst the rising harmonies of the bridge that eventually explode into one of the sweetest and most human moments in Tyler’s catalogue, the simple and repeated admission: “I love you”. This is one of the densest songs on DON’T TAP THE GLASS with all of its references and Tyler’s incredibly dynamic vocal performance that disregards the need for guests outside of T. Nava as he can simply be this flexible and cross over so many different singing styles throughout the track, standing in for the potential featured vocalists he would have gotten if this album weren’t made on the road… yet it still finds time to be an absolute earworm, it’s a treasure. Also, I’m surprised no-one seems to have pointed this out but this song gets extra points from me for referencing one of my favourite songs ever, “Protect My Heart” by Kelis and The Neptunes. It’s one line, sure, but any reference to Kelis’ Tasty – especially when they’re not “Milkshake” – is a good one, and he lifts a verse from elsewhere on the album (“Millionaire” with André 3000) on the closer too. Let’s all appreciate that album as much as Tyler does.

#55 – “Let Him Go” – Denon Reed and Cru2

Produced by Denon Reed

Birmingham DJ Denon Reed of “I need to know” fame is back with his follow-up single, also credited to his company Cru2, so can he replicate the success and continue this little bassline revival? Listen, who knows? I can’t predict chart success for the life of me, but I can listen to a bassline track with an uncredited female diva vocal and enjoy it because it’s a tried-and-true formula to put a wobbly bass and factorial drum track behind a catchy earworm sample (that I have not been able to find the source for through searching lyrics and co-writer Noel Wayne but would love to know). The lyrics are about letting a guy go who isn’t loving you like he should and the song feels like that release. I love how they could go with the confrontational “let him know” instead and decided on “let him go”, a breezier sentiment fitting for a club track. Of course, I have no clue who actually made that decision but as is the EDM scene sometimes. Good tune, nothing else.

#51 – “It Depends” – Chris Brown featuring Bryson Tiller

Produced by Nico Baran and RIOTUSA

Sigh. Our story here starts in 1997, with the release of Usher’s My Way album. The then-rookie R&B singer had his breakout hit with the sophomore effort, producing some of his earliest smashes, “You Make Me Wanna…” (his first UK #1) and most importantly, “Nice & Slow”, produced by the so-so-def Jermaine Dupri (like most of the album), which debuted and peaked at #24 in 1998, whilst Boyzone’s “All that I Need” was #1. “Nice & Slow” is one of the cheesiest R&B songs to ever grace the charts, with its Super Nintendo synths, cheap programmed drums, very mid-90s acoustic guitar strumming, rap bridge (with Usher spelling out his name) and especially the spoken-word lover boy intro. Of course, that didn’t stop it from hitting #1 in the US – in fact, it probably helped a great deal – and it became an R&B classic, so fast-forward to 2025 where we get Ice Spice’s main man RIOTUSA sampling “Nice & Slow” for Breezy and Bryson Tiller. Tiller is not new to drill as he collaborated with Northern Ireland’s Jordan Adetunji for one of the best pop songs of the year thus far, “305”, wherein the swell of his chorus may be one of the most transcendent moments in 2025 music yet somehow never gets old – genuinely, I’ve replayed the track a ton and it always feels as special as the first time. Specifically, I’ve replayed the clean version because I accidentally listened to the censored release of Adetunji’s album and I’m super stubborn. RIOTUSA is not alone as he teams up with producer Nico Baran, who has worked alongside The Kid LAROI, Ice Spice, Bad Bunny and of course, the VULTURES on the infamously terribly-produced “LIFESTYLE” (it’s not his fault, he didn’t add the “HUSBAND” outro or squawking goose sound). The end result, “It Depends”, is basically just a “Nice & Slow” remix for the modern era. It has sexy drill production – not an adjective, just the subgenre – but with a lick of more conventional R&B production (mostly in the vocal harmonies) to stray away from the more minimal and often bizarrely-mixed side of that genre, though Breezy doesn’t fit too well on that kind of beat. Chris Brown has always had this nasal Auto-Tuned whine that sprays all over the track and for sexy drill, you have to be tighter in the pocket, which Tiller understands with his melodic (and notably out-of-breath) semi-rap verse over the pretty 90s R&B keys and stem-separated Usher vocal. The fuzzier synths that come in for the second chorus and spread even further before, are really nice too. Ultimately, much like his last single “Holy Blindfold”, Chris Brown is the problem: his braying vocal tone, his substanceless sexual lyrics, they just can’t fit the more unique and subtle production he’s working with. I do love this production – sexy drill is one of my favourite genres – and Bryson Tiller would do a great job on it as a solo track, if you gave him the space to do both singing and rapping verses, or even get the likes of Cash Cobain or especially Vontee the Singer for the third. It’s just a shame that the leading force is so overwhelming whilst also being so off-putting and misfitted for this instrumental.

#48 – “Iron Man” – Black Sabbath

Produced by Rodger Bain

Our next two songs are both undeniable metal classics from Black Sabbath’s iconic 1970 album Paranoid which hadn’t charted until the passing of frontman Ozzy Osbourne and now reach the top 50 for the first time, with two consecutive debuts in a total wall of four Ozzy-led songs, with six in the top 50 overall when counting the returns and gains. I really can’t do these tracks much justice – there’s about 55 years of rock critics attempting to already – so don’t expect a thorough rundown of what makes these tracks some of the best in early metal. I was never a big fan, but it feels pretty difficult to even question these songs’ greatness. Firstly, however, as for the chart histories, that’s where I can deliver. Paranoid was the band’s sophomore effort (and second album that year) but first to top the UK Albums Chart. The title track was by far the most successful song from the record, in part because “Iron Man” was only released as a single in North America, peaking at #52 stateside. Many bands have taken a stab at the song, such as Metallica, Green Day, NOFX, Marilyn Manson, Therapy? and even guys like Busta Rhymes, Four Tet and Sir Mix-a-Lot (yes, really), though they never appeared on singles charts. Unless I’m missing a cover that charted for a week or two (sadly, Swedish pop rock outfit the Cardigans’ unique spin on it wasn’t pushed as a single), the first time “Iron Man” charted in any real capacity was an interpolation the Osbournes weren’t too happy about, namely in “CARNIVAL” by Ye and Ty Dolla $ign featuring Playboi Carti and Rich the Kid last year, peaking at #5 whilst Beyoncé’s “TEXAS HOLD ‘EM” was #1. Ironically, the Cardigans also have an unrelated song that charted called “Carnival”.

Now as for the song itself… well, it’s a classic. Though it’s since been used in his films, “Iron Man” has nothing to do with the Marvel superhero of the same name, it was simply coined by Ozzy – initially as “Iron Bloke” – in response to the creeping feeling created by the combination of Tony Iommi’s guitar riff and Bill Ward’s drum beat. That feeling isn’t entirely captured by the recording – even in the 2012 remaster, you can tell that the microphones Rodger Bain and the band were working with at the time simply couldn’t capture the immense power of the track, though they could capture a goofy intro of Ozzy saying “I am Iron Man” through what is speculated to be a ring modulator, the effect Iommi used for the “Paranoid” riff. Even if the strength of the sound couldn’t entirely be felt – I’m sure it’s massive in-person live – the playing is absolutely captured, and Iommi’s riff work is menacing opposite a drum sound that doesn’t have much texture to me but is constantly filling in the empty space left behind by a song that could sound more out-there than it does. As for the lyrics, the band’s bassist and primary lyricist Geezer Butler doubly intended the song as a science-fiction story about this “Iron Bloke” and an analogy for a Christ that seeks vengeance on his doubters rather than forgiveness, influenced by his strict Catholic upbringing. The real shining moment of the song is when it speeds up to reflect the coming of the apocalypse this “Iron Bloke” brings and the panic that sets in before the destruction slows to the same grind the song had been moving at prior – to me, I see that as a demonstration of how when chaos and violence reaches its fever pitch, it just slows back down again and is ultimately a slow, disastrous process rather than a flurry, fitting for an apocalypse. The shift in the outro with a beautiful solo and rumbling drums is the closest the song gets to reaching that immense, apocalyptic sound, and it really is a brilliant track even with the shortcomings of 1970 recording. However, it doesn’t quite reach…

#47 – “War Pigs” – Black Sabbath

Produced by Rodger Bain

This song was never released as a single at all but still became one of the band’s most iconic and most-played tracks, and possibly one of the biggest anti-war songs of all-time. Osbourne claims in a 2002 biography that the band knew nothing about the Vietnam War but that might just apply to Ozzy himself as Butler has discussed in detail the song’s origins, whether those be the witches’ sabbath as an analogy for evil itself (which influenced the song’s original name that the label Vertigo had changed to avoid Satanic references) or its references to the then-ongoing horrors of the Vietnam War. The song had been performed two years prior to release, likely originating as part of jam sessions (as with other songs from the album) according to Iommi, who also stated that producer Rodger Bain and engineer Tom Allom added the siren sound effects and tempo increase in the outro, without the band’s input. Sound effects and track titles aren’t the only thing that changed about the record before release though as the album was originally named after its opener before the more commercially-friendly title of Paranoid was chosen. Speaking to Phil Alexander for Classic Albums in 1998, Ozzy hilariously pondered “What the fuck does a bloke dressed as a pig with a sword in his hand got to do with being paranoid? I don't know”. The album’s iconic cover art designed by Keith McMillan had the original title (War Pigs) in mind, and quite literally, though during the Vietnam War, an album with that title was quite unlikely to sell. Like “Iron Man”, the original recordings of “War Pigs” never charted until 2025 but it has been interpreted – Arctic Monkeys’ 2014 hit “Arabella” practically shares its riff with “War Pigs” as has been acknowledged by frontman Alex Turner in concert though Sabbath aren’t credited as writers. “Arabella” peaked at #70 whilst “Tsunami (Jump)” by DVBBS, Borgeous and Tinie Tempah was #1. As for the original song, it’s been covered many a times in non-charting renditions by the likes of fellow metal bands Faith No More, Bathory and Judas Priest as well as more unlikely acts like Weezer, CAKE, Buckethead, The Flaming Lips, Foo Fighters and Zac Brown, Post Malone and even T-Pain.

As for the original recording, now subtitled “Luke’s Wall” on some versions for its extended instrumental outro, it is one of the best metal songs ever, and also one of my favourites. The slow, drudging intro with the distant sirens ringing over grimly-textured lead guitars and a dour bassline is one of my favourite moments in metal, it exemplifies a much realer depiction of the Vietnam War’s horrors in just being as gruelling as it is. Of course, the song doesn’t stick in that mode for long, but it wouldn’t be nearly as effective if it didn’t start like that. The most iconic part of the song is the incredibly simple riff, that almost sounds like it was cut short, playing back-and-forth with Ozzy’s haunting vocal about generals plotting destruction and the pitter-patter of the drums below him, creating a character that is so above the corpses on the ground that they render as tinny drops in the bloody grass. Despite that looming figure, a wavering fear – likely both of continued death and suffering as well as of conscription as Butler recalls – remains in the band’s performance, through the frenetic drum fills, guitar shrieks playing off the lead riffs, Ozzy’s sudden but refrained yelp of “Oh, Lord” and the wear in his vocal during the bridge that takes a more on-the-ground approach, directly calling out the politicians treating soldiers (and indeed, civilians) as pawns in global politics. The solo that follows has always had a soaring, paranoid (no pun intended) feel, reflecting the concerns of, say, a soldier shipped off to Vietnam, not knowing what to expect outside of the scenes of war he’s seen on television and the propaganda he’s been fed. And of course, “Luke’s Wall” is a devastating passage that takes us right into the war zone mid-battle with the drums building up into a militaristic rhythms, yet sometimes still with sporadic fills as disasters strike, civilians suffer, homes are destroyed. Not only did Paranoid set the grim tone, Satanic imagery and dark sonic palette for heavy metal bands to take influence from for decades to come, “War Pigs” did something perhaps more important for the genre: establish its long-term ethos of rebellion. It is one of the greatest songs ever written. To have these two tracks finally reach their long-deserved chart positions, even posthumously, is beautiful to see, especially since my dad was a Black Sabbath fan, I’d heard these songs through childhood up to this day and it’s impossible for them to get really old. They really are timeless classics and I hope the Sabbath boys take their new royalties with pride – their immensely flawed but unmissable figure of a frontman may be gone, but the art does rock on forever.

#34 – “d£aler” – Lola Young

Produced by Solomonophonic and manuka

Lola Young delivers the third single from her upcoming album, I’m Only Fucking Myself, in the form of “d£aler” (pronounced “dealer”, not “de-pound-aler”). Now, Sir Elton John loves this track. He says it’s the “biggest smash he’s heard in years” and that he’d bet his house that it’s the next #1 hit. I don’t think it’ll reach that high, hence I’m expecting to receive Elton John’s mansion in the mail any day now, but I see where he’s coming from: it highlights a similar messy relationship to Ms. Young’s first #1 but in regards to her drug dealer and the uneasy, controlling relationship someone who provides for your addiction can have with you. There’s a longing for escape there over the buzzy guitars and new wave claps but that chorus mix doesn’t quite soar like it should and chugs in a perpetual state of moving up and down but staying still otherwise, spending “the whole week doing a whole lot of nothing”. That connection between Young and her dealer is both physical and psychological but due to it being her vice, she puts some of the blame on herself and that desire to get a grip but inability to separate herself from the relationship really solidifies the entrapment. It is a good song, but it needs an extended bridge instead of just vanishing at the end. I understand that it could make more thematic sense for the song to disappear abruptly – maybe she finally dipped out of the town that kept her in contact with her dealer and therefore stuck in her addictions or maybe it reflects her succumbing to them and suddenly dying. Both of those possibilities could be more effectively struck with a longer build and final chorus though, so it just leaves me hanging. Maybe in album context, it’ll work, but I am more lukewarm on this than I wanted it to be. I was also lukewarm about “One Thing” initially which I now love so maybe this album will just be a grower in general.

#31 – “12 to 12” – sombr

Produced by sombr and Tony Berg

I heard some buzz that this newest track from Shane “sombr” Boose was actually relatively good in comparison to his other tracks (that I have very much not been a fan of), and with producer Tony Berg back in the mix, I could very well believe it. He still thinks women are evil, though. I’m sorry, I’m sure sombr respects women in his day-to-day but the lyrics give the impression of a guy constantly threatened by women, especially those close to him. In the first verse of this song, which leads in as just admiring a love interest, we get sombr delivering the bitter and ridiculous drama of “I know you want to see me in Hell”, adding a “my love” for extra condescension. This is an incredibly convincing character of an insufferable guy that he’s been playing in these singles, but there’s always a sincerity to his delivery – and the fact that he appears to be unable to write outside of this lane – that prevents sombr’s tracks from ever reaching irony or self-awareness, just staying gross. And because this disco song (yes, a disco song) can’t be happy – it just has to be sombre, it’s in his name! – sombr whines about seeing this girl in someone else’s arms and feeling betrayed and ignored in his signature distorted yelp that sounds more at home on a funkier groove and murky pianos than the soul or indie rock sludge he’s been using. It’s more listenable than his downbeat tracks but to me, the attitude of this guy is inescapable and by the time he trips over his own French mumbling in the jagged second verse, I just lose all interest. The momentum of the song is dead by that point anyway. I’m sorry, I did want to like at least one of this guy’s songs, I really did. Like with his last song, the final chorus with the strings and falsetto does have a nice impact but unlike “we never dated”, the pay-off squanders itself by fading out instead of landing the ending. And if you wanted more men to be insufferable surrounding women, it’s your lucky day.

#4 – “Which One” – Drake featuring Central Cee

Produced by O Lil Angel, B4U and OZ

Sigh. Drake. Cench. You could see Drake using his UK connections to feign clout post-Kendrick loss from a mile away. All I care about at this point is if the song’s worth hearing… and I don’t even really care about that either. Drake can’t get through his club song supposedly for the ladies without ranting in his very first verse about how other rappers can’t make the song club jams for the ladies. Aubrey, you’re so obsessed with other men that you’re interrupting your flirting to bring them up, you’re becoming a part of your own problem that you solely invented to cause other people problems. It’s ridiculous, really, and I hardly want to hear a dancehall song about lifting up gowns that was produced by a rapper whose abuse allegations had him dropped from his label and seemingly made him rebrand as “O Lil Angel”. This was news to me too but this is the production pseudonym for UK rapper Octavian and he’s been one of Drake’s leading producers for this past year. Of course, it’s all just coincidence, I’m sure. There’s a beat switch because Drake and Travis Scott aren’t human people anymore and it goes from the minimal drone of the first to an atmospheric dance instrumental that can’t commit to being goofy or impactful at all, just an unmoving blob of synth sounds meshing into a colourless aura that is clearly unfinished and tacked on to make this song sound like it isn’t posthumous. Given the phoned-in Cench feature where he sings 50 Cent’s “In da Club” and “Wannabe” by the Spice Girls, before promptly disappearing, and the absolute state of the “lyrics”, I’d say it fails. Just miserable garbage.

Conclusion

It seems pretty unfair but still within reason to give Best of the Week to Black Sabbath for “Iron Man” and particularly “War Pigs” though Tyler, the Creator snabs the Honourable Mention for “Ring Ring Ring” (it would be a shoe-in for the best on any other week). As for the worst, that rounds out easily too: Drake and Central Cee take Worst of the Week for “Which One” and sombr’s “12 to 12” takes a reluctant Dishonourable Mention. As for what’s on the horizon… I don’t know, Yeat? For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/07/2025 (Tyler the Creator's DON'T TAP THE GLASS, Alex Warren, KPop Demon Hunters, Pharrell Williams)

Justin Bieber has landed his eighth #1 on the UK Singles Chart as last week’s debut “DAISIES” rises to #1, pushing off MK’s “Dior” featuring Chrystal back down to #2. Now to discuss everything below “Dior” from #3 to #75, and trust me, there is a lot… I really will try and keep it brief. Welcome back to this “shaky” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, frequent discussion of death, references to sex and abusive relationships

Rundown

As always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting from this week’s UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to a range of pretty big hits, from more minor successes “Take a Sexy Picture of Me” by CMAT, “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri (with a remix by sombr) and “What Was That” by Lorde to long-standing smash hits like “Somedays” by Sonny Fodera, Jazzy and D.O.D, “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter, “Too Sweet” by Hozier and “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan (with all of these songs being at least decent – not a great sign for dropouts). We also see a uniquely busy week for the three-song rule, an arbitrary rule OCC implements allowing lead artists to only have three songs in the top 100 at any given time, and thanks to debuts this week, we have trade-offs from Alex Warren with “Carry You Home”, Justin Bieber with “ALL I CAN TAKE”, the KPop Demon Hunters cast with “How it’s Done” (credited to “HUNTR/X” and performed by EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI), and even Oasis with “Acquiesce”. There is some delightful irony in the three-song rule kicking four songs out the chart.

Then we have our re-entries and gains, with our big story being the passing of the previously seemingly immortal Prince of Darkness, Ozzy Osbourne: a metal icon known for pioneering the genre with Black Sabbath, biting heads off bats and starring in reality television. My dad liked Ozzy as I fear most English dads did so I grew up partly with his tunes and have a strong affection for plenty of them, even if I’ve not heard many Black Sabbath albums in full. I really love his solo cover of the Beatles’ “In My Life” that he cut in 2005 and given I’m currently in Birmingham, where Black Sabbath was formed and also performed their final ever show just a few weeks ago with Ozzy sitting on his throne and still performing through Parkinson’s, there is a sense of a hometown hero being lost even if the man was far, and I mean drastically far from perfect. Who is? (Especially rock stars.)

Because of Osbourne’s death occurring later into the tracking week on July 22nd, we see only a few of the biggest hits from his catalogue resurge, namely his solo track “Crazy Train” returning to #56 and Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” at #32, both of which are erroneously listed by the Official Charts Company website as new entries. In reality, Ozzy’s solo debut single “Crazy Train” peaked at #49 in 1980 for two weeks whilst “Feels Like I’m in Love” by Kelly Marie and “Don’t Stand So Close to Me” by The Police were #1, and “Paranoid” peaked all the way up at #4 in 1970, whilst Freda Payne stood at #1 with “Band of Gold”. These songs have chart histories beyond the one recording too: “Paranoid”, Black Sabbath’s breakout tune, reached #14 when re-released in 1980, though not after a cover by the Dickies reached #45 in 1979. A few other “Paranoid” songs have charted but with nothing to do with Sabbath. As for “Crazy Train”, a 1987 live recording by Ozzy and his live band hit #99. I’ve likely missed some sample or interpolation but there’s… a lot in this episode, forgive me, and these songs are undeniable, widely considered some of the greatest (or at least most iconic) metal songs ever recorded. Additionally, below the top 75 this week are “Iron Man” and “War Pigs”, which had never charted on the main UK singles chart in their original recording until now (though of course have still sold hundreds of thousands of units).

Outside of Ozzy, “Gold” by Myles Smith returns to #74 and “Wonderwall” is back at #27 because sure. We then see boosts for the already charting hits “Sparks” by Coldplay at #41, “Cops & Robbers” by Sammy Virji and Skepta at #39, “back to friends” and “undressed” by sombr at #34 and #30 respectively (of all people to have good weeks), “Bloodline” by Alex Warren and Jelly Roll thanks to Warren’s album (more on that later) at #19 and finally, “Your Idol” by the fictional K-pop boy band “Saja Boys” from KPop Demon Hunters at #14 (more on them later too).

As for our UK Singles Chart top five, we start with “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter at #5, “Golden” by EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI as the fictional girl group “HUNTR/X” from the KPop Demon Hunters soundtrack up to #4, a debut for – oh, joy – Alex Warren at #3 with “Eternity”, followed by the usual suspects of “Dior” and “DAISIES” in the top two. Most importantly, we can now get to our 12 new tracks and whilst I know I always say that I will keep it short, it is absolutely in my devastatingly tired interest to actually stick to my word, give a relatively rapid-fire episode like the old days. Could be fun, right?

New Entries

#72 – “3x” – Jim Legxacy and Dave

Produced by Jim Legxacy, Cppo, Hoskins, Joe Stanley and Henes

Mr. Jim Legxacy has had much more of a presence on the UK Singles Chart than you would assume from his chart summary page on the OCC website. Though he may only be making his first appearance as a lead artist now with Dave for this track from his recent mixtape black british music (2025) (which debuted at #29 on the albums chart), Legxacy was one of the producers behind Dave’s #1 hit with Central Cee, “Sprinter” back in 2023 and appeared as an uncredited vocalist on “ten” by Fred again… I have been meaning to listen to Legxacy for a while now, as his eclectic genres and choice of collaborators does intrigue me, but this will be my first impression of him as a lead artist, which is worrying considering he could have easily been outshadowed by Dave but ends up doing just fine. Legxacy and his co-producers combine his emo-rap crooning and Afrobeats-friendly acoustic guitars with a pool of airy female vocal samples and eventually a “jerk” drum rhythm. I suppose it was only a matter of time until I explained “jerk” or “hoodtrap”, basically a very Internet-poisoned form of trap music influenced by the jerk movement of the 2010s with acts like the New Boyz, taking it in a more experimental direction. Most of the jerk you’ll hear is chaotic but with more textured Afrobeats percussion joining the netty jerk patter here, Legxacy finds a nice balance as he professes to never be turned off his grind, even when his sister’s passing brings him to tears. It’s a heartfelt performance but selling some pretty cold content, with Dave beautifully responding to the lyric with his own “Told Jim you already made your sister proud”. The group vocals typically in Afrobeats take on a haunting tone instead of the camaraderie referenced in the lyrics, and Dave’s laidback staccato fitting jerk percussion surprisingly well, mixing the more programmed elements of the mix (including those warped synths I love) with some organic humanity from both performers. Even if a lot of the song is flexing and women, with some very typical cheesy car-based wordplay from Dave, there’s something touching about the positioning of it all in a more exhausted context and I’m definitely going to check out that mixtape on the strength of this. Brilliant little song.

#64 – “Devil in Disguise” – Marino

Produced by Thomas Frank Marino

Okay, I’ll bite: who the Hell are Marino? I was initially concerned with the art style and paper bag gimmick that you can see all over the Spotify bio that this was some AI-generated augmented reality game I had to research but no, it’s the one guy, the art is real, and his name is Thomas Frank Marino. Mr. Marino has been active in music since at least 2019 and claims to be “telling one story at a time”, with the story on his breakout hit “Devil in Disguise” (having already racked up over 10 million streams) being one of a deceptive guy who seemed like a perfect boyfriend before they get so close that he steals all her belongings. Okay, it’s clearly a metaphor for wasting the woman’s time and being such a bad partner that he drains her passion and love dry, but with the jaunty acoustic melody – almost straight out of a show tune – you wouldn’t be surprised if this was literal and part of a musical that featured the Devil disguising himself as a guy who steals ex-girlfriends’ belongings. It’s a very short folksy tune with very 2025 stomp-clap drums that are stiff and obtrusive to the underlying bass groove that I love. I’m not usually into this bedroom pop singer-songwriter types, but the darker tone with the strong bass lining up under a multi-tracked warning of this guy’s true colours does bring me closer to actually being immersed in the narrative which, being completely detached from the male narrator, grants a purely female perspective, with no element to “both-sides” the situation either (someone like sombr would absolutely do this and imply the woman was leading him on). Add some stray, cute guitar licks, a decent singing performance and a gunshot sound effect being played despite the fact that he clearly sings about a kitchen knife, and you have a whimsy, admittedly childlike but catchy enough tune with some vague grit. It’s alright, I really wouldn’t mind it being a hit.

#62 – “Take My Mind” – WizTheMc and bees & honey

Produced by Hitimpulse and bees & honey

Well, find a good formula and don’t fix what ain’t broken as South African singer WizTheMc once again teams up with Hitimpulse and bees & honey for a subtle Afro-house jam in the same vein of “Show Me Love” (currently #52 but peaked at #3 earlier this year). This may as well be the exact same song on paper, but I greatly prefer it. Firstly, I slightly prefer the chorus melody here – I think there’s some more dynamics to the back-and-forth in the chorus, especially over dreamy keys and shaking Afrobeats percussion. WizTheMc still has a textureless voice when not drowned in the layers of group vocal which sound pretty great over this minimal instrumental, since the faster pre-chorus gives rise to a bit of heat and tension, the build-up isn’t an anticlimactic nothingburger because of the weight the multi-tracking brings to the vocals and whilst the mix is still somewhat watery and vacuous, with an abrupt ending that displays proudly how underwritten the track is, it has at least got a stronger thematic reason. “Take my mind to another place” – sure, let’s go for floaty atmosphere, I just wish there was more to it structurally or it went into weirder, perhaps even psychedelic, spaces but then it wouldn’t be charting and even if I like this one more, whenever I try to remember its hook, I ended up singing “Show Me Love” to myself instead so, that should tell you all you need to know.

#58 – “Sucka Free” – Tyler, the Creator

Produced by Tyler, the Creator

On Monday, July 21st, California’s proudest rap and soul weirdo Tyler, the Creator released an under-half-hour surprise album entitled DON’T TAP THE GLASS. Despite the unconventional release, he could still sell both merchandise and units, with the snapshot of a record, promoted by some comedic cameo-heavy videos, debuting at #2 on the UK albums chart. We, of course, have three songs from the album debut this week and, unlike with a lot of Tyler’s more introspective material, there may not be much to discuss here – and by design. DON’T TAP THE GLASS still boasts Tyler’s distorted drums and layered 80s synth palette but in the context of a carefree dance album with braggadocio and basic platitudes of love, lyrics taking a complete backseat to the sound, which is as cohesive as it’s ever been, just in a smaller, less adventurous package, one that owes a lot to the Neptunes as much of Tyler’s work does but still has Tyler’s style written all over it through distinct sample usage, a rougher mix and off-kilter, probably off-key singing. It’s a set of jams that are lacking in the substance you could find in CHROMAKOPIA (likely because these were made as Tyler toured that album) but make up for it in colour and vibrant personality, even if not all swings are hits for me, though in an album that doesn’t scratch 30 minutes, how much does that really matter? “Sucka Free” starts with a talking-his-shit monologue over synths not too far off from Mort Garson before a chill slice of electro-funk, talkbox included, with Tyler delivering some of the more developed rap verses on the album. The high-pitched chorus is cute, Tyler doesn’t say much of interest but there is a funny couple bars in the first verse about people who are too easy to please because of their own insecurities. The whispery second verse is directed towards fake rap identities but feels so genuinely bitter that it’s almost out of place. No exact specifics, but plenty of resentment. Is this not tapping the glass? Can you really make a fun dance album when you spend half the runtime mad at unnamed randos? Or release an essay telling your audience how to enjoy it? I suppose you can, I still liked it, I just think some of the insecurities from CHROMAKOPIA shine here brighter than intended. More from Tyler later.

#55 – “Punkrocker” – Teddybears featuring Iggy Pop

Produced by Teddybears and Phat Phabe

Okay, so there is a new Superman movie directed by James Gunn and because a lot of big movies, especially established IPs or ones with a younger, Internet-savvy audience, have some form of big viral TikTok trend or sound attached (intentionally or not), we get an old Iggy Pop song come to roost at #55, and it’s not even really an Iggy Pop song. Swedish electro-rock group Teddybears recorded the fuzzy, somewhat goofy and very early 2000s bop in the year 2000, for inclusion on their album that year, Rock ‘n’ Roll Highschool. The unassuming track has a very typical-for-its-time mix of synths and rock guitar grooves but doesn’t really intrigue me in the way that alt-rock-led genre fusions from this time usually do. Maybe it’s the lack of development across the song’s runtime, it’s a bit of a drone with the careless yet predictable ride of feeling like a punk rocker just driving along, chugging on. There is somewhat of a funnelled build near the end but without a compelling lead vocal, it doesn’t come near to matching, say, a Helen Love. The new rave song got a fresh coat of paint in 2006 when they re-recorded the track with, well, a compelling lead vocal! 70s US garage rock and punk legend Iggy Pop swooped in with a new vocal that interestingly did not get the same filtered effects as the original, giving a certain purity and soul to the lead vocal that wasn’t previously there in Teddybears’ original. James Gunn’s critical and commercial success with Superman, a film that according to the NME includes all sorts of references to punk music and subculture, has led to the decent enough track, specifically the 2006 re-recording, to gather traction, enough so that Epic Records have slapped on “As featured in Superman” to the song title on Spotify. I haven’t seen the film and have no interest in comic book superheroes that aren’t the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles but Iggy Pop said to The Hollywood Reporter that Superman was “the best friend you could have”. I believe it.

#51 – “All this Time” – Sonny Fodera and Jazzy

Produced by Sonny Fodera

After the success of “Somedays”, producer Sonny Fodera – who I generally really like – has reunited with Irish house-pop singer and UK chart mainstay Jazzy for another radio-friendly and club-ready tune, though this time without co-producer D.O.D. but recruiting Clementine Douglas as a co-writer. The lead synth tone on this one falls a bit flat to me, sounding quite stodgy and unmoving, a bit lacking in texture, which nearly makes it dead on arrival especially with the strained-sounding vocal mix on that intro, but the song soon ravels itself into some decently obfuscating synth haze and typical four-on-the-floor groove, becoming a very typical house-pop track that I can’t really call current, can’t really call a throwback, can’t even really think of a subgenre to place it in because it just feels so watered-down. Sonny Fodera is typically a more adventurous producer and Jazzy as a limited vocalist should be more of a blank slate for some interesting procession or Vocaloid-drop here but… nope, it’s not there. It’s breezy, inoffensive, but there’s not a recognisable sample even to hook me in on nostalgia, it’s just hookless pop music. I do like the pitched-up vocal chops that appear in the back half, and the vocal layering gets to a point of being really stacked and heavy which helps it not feel too weightless, so in a club context it probably works. Outside of that, maybe call out an S.O.S. to D.O.D. before you O.U.T., guys.

#50 – “Out Out” – Skye Newman

Produced by Boo and Luis Navidad

I would not have bet on Skye Newman as a promising breakout star based on her first two charting singles alone, which were rough-and-tumble to say the least, but maybe that unseasoned humanity is what’s resonating, especially during a decent year for R&B and soul. Newman’s newest single is “Out Out”, once again produced by Boo and Luis Navidad, and details a relationship that has lost its lustre and the frustration Newman has with the fact they can’t recapture the energy they used to have when going out for the night. The main conceit of the track is a wish to forget all of the change that has occurred since the relationship’s honeymoon phase faded away, and go back to the “us” of the relationship: the mutual commitment to having fun and putting effort into a night out, termed going “out out”. Unlike the Jax Jones and Joel Corry and Charli xcx and Saweetie song of the same name (not plural, they’re just all on that one song if you remember), Newman’s “Out Out” is a dreary piano ballad and whilst it somewhat fits the frustration and grieving the loss of their relationship’s spark, it strikes a similar tonal dissonance to her last single and with barely any actual song to make up for it. It’s a very basic song with very few elements, mostly just piano and her vocal (I still haven’t fully gotten used to her tone yet), yet the chorus is pure escapism and would really do with some form of swell, kick or danceable pep that isn’t there. Ending after barely moving for its entire runtime, without any payoff, it just leaves an unsatisfied, somewhat whiny Skye Newman singing about what used to be. It makes sense but there should be more, there should be something lyrically that hints to why this happened, or something sonically that keeps the song from being stale or honestly, a complete revamp of its sound out of its demo state. There is something to the rawness of the recording and comparing it to the preparation for a night out and the keeping up appearances that is involved with that, but I feel like I’m reaching for straws to find just something to make of the song beyond its initial impression. It’s much more one-dimensional than “Family Matters”, much less engaging than “Hairdresser” and overall a bit of a head-scratcher for me, honestly. I might like this a lot more in the coming weeks. Time will have to tell.

#49 – “GO BABY” – Justin Bieber

Produced by Carter Lang, Eddie Benjamin, Eli Teplin and Dylan Wiggins

As I predicted, one of last week’s debuts from SWAG has exchanged with another from the Biebs’ latest effort and it’s once again one that’s not too interesting. I said my peace on the album last week and haven’t really wanted to revisit the record in full since. “GO BABY” does not spark interest at all with its throwback 90s keys – very typical of the record which all collates into one big song a few tracks in for me – and sloggier R&B drums that leave plenty of empty space despite the great bass that feels uniquely prominent in the mix for this kind of sleek pop-R&B. The lyrics are about empowering his own wife and being there for her and are delivered about as sincerely as possible. Bieber’s a good singer, not a particularly interesting one, but I enjoy his ad-libs and attempts at harmony, with the content mostly being kind of adorable if anything. It’s just that the song doesn’t go anywhere and that hook is really repetitive, with the pre-chorus being so long that it just renders as one long refrain. The Bon Iver-esque falsetto garbling on the outro is probably my favourite bit. Keep on gabrlin’ in the free world, Biebs. Baby-baby-baby-oh.

#46 – “Sugar on My Tongue” – Tyler, the Creator

Produced by Tyler, the Creator

Now this is one of my favourites on DON’T TAP THE GLASS, its first Bonafide pop tune. This one’s real simple – why does it work? The “My Humps”-sounding beat mixing gasps with an incessant synth bass and pounding kicks. Likely anything could be a jam based on just that but Tyler layers out a lot of signature 80s and 90s electro-funk elements, from a glazing of cheesy synths to even a Roger Troutman-esque talkbox. The real detail that I love here is Tyler’s vocal interplay with himself – he is a surprisingly flexible vocalist on DON’T TAP THE GLASS shifting from a frail falsetto (which he also uses for an unhinged yelp at times), nasal singing tone and deeper, half-spoken murmur, which is relegated to ad-libs and a call-and-response pre-chorus here. There are so many layers of vocal takes that consist largely of Tyler screwing around in the booth, with basic word association lyrics about meeting a girl and hooking up, though the second verse has some fun wordplay about oral before we get back into the most important part of the song: the hooks on hooks. I love how mumbling his pitch-shifted vocal take on the bridge is, it shows an awareness of his imperfections that Tyler has always had when showing off his limited singing vocals but hits an especially fun note in a dance-pop context. My other favourites from the album include “Ring Ring Ring”, “Don’t Tap That Glass / Tweakin’”, “Don’t You Worry Baby” featuring Madison McFerrin and “I’ll Take Care of You” with Yebba – if you can’t tell, I prefer the more grounded and texturally-realised back-half. It’s therefore somewhat of a shame to me that we literally only got the first three songs to chart, but who knows what could happen next week if the albums holds up?

#43 – “Big Poe” – Tyler, the Creator featuring Sk8brd (Pharrell Williams)

Produced by Tyler, the Creator

Our final track from DON’T TAP THE GLASS to review is its opener, and when I said Tyler owes a lot to the Neptunes, I also mean quite literally as one half of the ex-duo, music extraordinaire Pharrell Williams, gives a wacky rapping appearance to this track under a pseudonym “Sk8brd”, likely referring to his old nickname from the 2000s, “Skateboard P”, which I associate with his brag-rap verses like on Snoop Dogg’s “Drop it Like it’s Hot”. Pharrell has never taken to rapping as his main skillset but it comes naturally to him as a singer and primarily a hip-hop producer, so why he decided to do this nasal parody here, I’m not 100% sure. I’m not convinced on this track as a whole, generally. It explains its own mission statements in its computerised spoken word intro: to keep your body moving, “only speak in glory” and “don’t tap the glass”. Basically, keep the vibe moving, don’t overthink it, don’t put yourself or anyone else down, and don’t disrupt, don’t kill the party (not dissimilar to his essay. I’m absolutely a proponent of just making a fun party album without the introspection – GNX is my favourite Kendrick Lamar album after all – but Tyler’s hype tracks have always been his weakest spot for me (and he does it better with more character on the semi-title track later on in the record). When it’s hardcore hip hop with a racket of drums and simple flexing flows, it’s really hit-and-miss for me when it comes to Tyler, even on my favourite albums of his, and this is one of the weaker examples. He’s confident but the lyrics almost feel lazy and bitter instead of fun. The pretty innocuous and borderline inclusive set of lines about lightskin and darkskin women followed by “You don’t like that line? Not my problem” just reeks of “you can’t cancel me” and I’ve always found that stupid, especially with Tyler losing much of its relatability post-Flower Boy for me (up until Chromakopia, but that seems to be the exception to the new rule). Tyler’s general scheme throughout all his short verses of using colours in the content is a nice touch but it amounts to sex bars and calling himself a taxi so you start to look to Pharrell for bars which is never going to satisfy. He can flow, he can go for zany inflections, but there’s little in the way of wordplay, though his second verse has a lot of effortless charisma by the end. My favourite parts of the track have nothing to do with our vocalists – the transition to “Sugar on My Tongue” which still catches me a bit off-guard and the sample usage. The first is a chop of a track by Israeli musician Shye Ben Tzur and Radiohead’s Jonny Greenwood which adds texture but is lost in the mix – the second is much more exciting: the out-of-nowhere but incredibly hype ripping of Busta Rhymes yelling at the crowd to jump, taken from his hit “Pass the Courvoisier Part II”, featuring both Pharrell himself and some other guy, which peaked at #16 in 2002, when Will Young’s “Light My Fire” was #1 (Part I peaked at #83). That Busta sample is a great inclusion and really does get me excited, but as a song and not just a (somewhat underwhelming) opener to get you hyped for what’s to come, “Big Poe” is not up there with “IGOR’S THEME” or even “WOLF” for me. The album is plenty of fun overall, though, don’t get me wrong, please check it out if you haven’t – it’s just not my favourites on the chart selection, unfortunately.

#17 – “Soda Pop” – Saja Boys (Andrew Choi, Neckwav, Danny Chung, KEVIN WOO and samUIL Lee) and the KPop Demon Hunters cast

Produced by 24, Dominsuk and Ian EIsendrath

I’ve already explained the plot to KPop Demon Hunters weeks earlier on this blog and the next week, after having seen it, I also summarised how much I actually enjoyed it, which was somewhat to my surprise. Resultingly, I’ll spare you the retread and explain that this song is what the secretly demonic K-pop boy band “Saja Boys” use as their debut single to take over the nation and brainwash the Korean people into loving these cutesy demon boys so they can take their souls. (Source: Me. I watched the movie on Netflix.) Got that? Just see the film; if you’re reading this blog, you’ll enjoy it. “Soda Pop” is exactly what it’s advertised as in the film: a pure sugar rush with the novelty gimmick of fizzy drink cans opening and being poured or guzzled in the instrumental as the boys sing about how you just want more of that refreshing (subtly demonic) taste. The intro with the stabs gets me every time, it’s such a great cheese-fest to lead into the song proper, but realistically, there’s not much to the real song other than a replica of K-pop boy band structures so safe and faithful that it’s damn good at convincing you that it’d be a smash hit… well, maybe in 2016. It commits much more to its cacophony sound effects than it does any particular genre, implementing bloopy synths, an intense drum build, a very K-pop choice of a trap breakdown verse, and a massive final chorus including stray vocal riffing from the lead singer of the group, “Jinu” (whose parts are sung by Andrew Choi), who ends up having a semi-romantic relationship with the lead protagonist but that’s neither here nor there. This song’s delightfully devilish and infectious to all Hell. To quote a comment left on its Genius lyrics page, “if they actually existed [in real life,] my soul would be the first one to be stolen”.

#3 – “Eternity” – Alex Warren

Produced by Adam Yaron

And finally, we end with Alex Warren because why go out with a bang when you can leave with a whimper? His debut full-length You’ll be Alright, Kid was released this week and did not debut at #1 on the UK Albums Chart because he released an EP with a nearly-identical name and the subtitle “Chapter 1” last year so instead, that zoomed up to #1 and wow, this is not a good week for the interns and/or robots that control the OCC website. I have yet to hear this album – let’s be honest, I probably never will want to check it out in full – but jokes aside, I gave “Eternity” a fair shake and sonically, it’s one of the more obviously Christian-influenced tracks I’ve heard from Warren so far with the lyrics about “paradise” (Heaven), the opening gospel keys and the choir vocals, though the “You” in this song is not the Father, but a father – Warren’s. Mr. Warren, Sr. passed when Alex was just nine and hence most of the life the singer can remember is without the man who nurtured his first few years in the world which is tough and something I can understand, especially as Warren also lost his mother more recently so the feeling of walking the world alone without the idealised parental guidance is definitely sincere and does tug at the heartstrings admittedly. I still don’t like the song which makes me feel like an asshole since I lost my parents too but it really is just the sonic make-up of the track. Warren’s vocal tone and the way it’s treated is still so toothless and weary, and both him and the choir harmonies go for stronger deliveries than the instrumental always demands. Sure, when we have the large swell and dominating stomp drums, that drama feels warranted, but there are less elements to the mix than in “Ordinary” and the acoustics feel nearly whimsical in the first half of the song, like a fairytale, with the murmuring layer of choir in the final chorus being the one trace of real darkness the song encroaches musically. I’m not saying the song has to be heart-wrenching but lyrically, it’s practically hopeless, so something more hard-hitting or capable to face a more real sense of loss might have been more appropriate here. As is, it’s like a Disney Renaissance theme for when the main character experiences a great loss. It could be effective if I were watching Simba cry but Warren’s still no Elton John or even a Phil Collins on a pure compositional level so it’s just a lot of overwrought emotion refined into a very familiar taste. Sometimes, though, that is how grief can feel: all too familiar but utterly inescapable.

Conclusion

I know it doesn’t seem like it, but believe me: that was speedy. Best of the Week goes to “3x” by Jim Legxacy and Dave, with an Honourable Mention to the fictional Saja Boys for “Soda Pop”. As for the worst, we had quite a mixed bag this episode but nothing outright terrible. I think I’ll land on “Out Out” by Skye Newman with no Dishonourable Mention. As for what’s on the horizon, it could be pretty promising with Jorja Smith, JADE, CMAT, Lola Young and more but we’ll see. For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Chuck Mangione, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19/07/2025 (Justin Bieber has SWAG, Travis Scott's JACKBOYS 2, BLACKPINK)

For a second week, MK and Chrystal hold onto the UK Singles Chart #1 with “Dior”. Welcome back to this “defamatory” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, discussion of sex and sexism, SWAG

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts – songs exiting the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This episode, we bid adieu to: “On My Mind” by Alex Warren and ROSÉ, “Gold” by Myles Smith, “Juno” by Sabrina Carpenter, “Don’t Wake Me Up” by James Hype, “party 4 u” by Charli xcx, “Sultans of Swing” by the Dire Straits, “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez and finally, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi.

Then we have our gains and re-entries, with the latter including Alex Warren’s “Carry Me Home” back again at #71 and the former showing up boosts for “Somedays” by Sonny Fodera, Jazzy and D.O.D at #65, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #51 (no idea why this happens in a busy week), “High on Me” by Rossi. and Jazzy at #19, “No Broke Boys” by Disco Lines and Tinashe at #16 and finally, entering the top 10 for the first time: “Nice to Each Other” by Olivia Dean and “Golden” by HUNTR/X from KPop Demon Hunters (really EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI) at #10 and #9 respectively.

As for the UK Singles Chart top five, we have “Sapphire” by Ed Sheeran up to #5 followed by our big debut of “DAISIES” by Justin Bieber at #4 from his newest album SWAG (more on that and him later). Following that up are “Blessings” by Calvin Harris and Clementine Douglas at #3, “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter at #2 and of course, “Dior” at the very top once again. Now to check in with our batch of new songs, which is… mostly dire.

New Entries

#74 – “DUMBO” – Travis Scott

Produced by Dilip and Otxhello

This really is a dire set of new songs. In between two three-packs of album tracks from recent releases, we have another three assorted singles and it’s there we’ll be looking for any quality as frankly, I’m not a fan of either album that ended up landing a pseudo-bomb on the UK Singles Chart. It’s not a surprise that JACKBOYS 2, a Travis Scott-led label compilation tape for his Cactus Jack Records vanity label and surrounding posse of signees, ended up debuting its tracks much lower than the Biebs, though those unfamiliar with the UK charts may be confused by its non-presence on the albums chart. The Official Charts Company has tagged JACKBOYS 2 as a various artists compilation which, whilst technically true, does feel like a bit of a misnomer, as does the title itself: like the last JACKBOYS album, this is a vehicle for Travis Soctt demos and leftovers more than anything else, at least in practice, given the litany of external guest features and limited presence of anyone who’s not Travis, Don Toliver or Sheck Wes. SoFaygo is on two songs, Wallie the Sensei has one verse and Luxury Tax didn’t even appear on the standard release, with a bonus digital track with him and Wallie tacked onto streaming later in the week. With that said, it’s still #2 on the compilations chart, there is still a collaborative energy somewhat to the release, mostly because of Houston legend Bun B’s somewhat irrelevant narration that seems like last-minute scenic dressing to explain away the album’s lack of substance. Dropping on the unusual date of a Sunday, this is more of a mixtape in nature, with a roughly-mixed ramshackle of ideas hosted by Bun B (when he’s present, that is – they kind of forget about him) and less in the way of developed songs… so I hope you’ll understand if I keep these brief. In this case, very brief because although the bass rumble on this is pretty hard, this grey sphere of nothing being said or done about damn near anything is emblematic of the entire record. The Auto-Tuned mumble chorus is somewhat catchy, the Memphis groove and wavey synths are listenable, but Travis ruins this track by being such a non-presence, it’s borderline offensive how much of our time he’s wasting. There’s very little to this beat, at least try instead of being a lazy sound effect machine for 75% of the song and then saying nothing either of interest or even quotable comedy in the half a verse dedicated to actual words. It’s not awful, it’s just pointless, especially without a real personality to drive it.

#66 – “KICK OUT” – Travis Scott

Produced by OZ, T-Minus and Sean Momberger

This album released without producer credits, with three tracks locked behind separate “digital deluxe” paywalls, shoddy mixing and on a Sunday. I am not surprised that, therefore, Travis is going to do Ye-esque updates to the tracks over time, though if he wanted to accurately reflect his mentor, he would make the mix worse, add AI verses, chipmunk vocals, the Hooligans and Cruza drums. Instead, we have uncredited 21 Savage ad-libs being reduced – not removed, reduced – because fans were annoyed by 21 Savage ad-libs. You know, the only unique part of the song. Sure, the Memphis trap beat is a bit fuzzier, but Travis’ lower register loudly moaning over it in his typical deadpan voice is not the best fit, you’ve got to be a bit tighter and engaged for this (I wonder what Atlanta rapper would step up to that plate). Eventually, there is a beat switch to an even less interesting trap cut that includes parts of Travis’ incessant “woo”ing as part of the instrumental and lays the foundation for some of Travis’… grosser lyrics. At least the song “KICK OUT” plagiarises from is pretty good – it’s an uncleared sample of “Pursuit” by Chicago electronic outfit Pixel Grip who Xeeted about the whole affair. Apparently to Stereogum, co-producer Sean Momberger has reached out since. My personal favourite tracks on JACKBOYS 2 though few and far between were SoFaygo’s solo banger “MM3” and the two goofier, ridiculous songs “ILMB” with Travis and Sheck Wes, and “SHYNE”, the viral hit from Travis and GloRilla with the ludicrous Shyne interpolation that is getting the track a fair bit of memetic attention. Only three songs from the album were allowed to chart in the top 75 this week thanks to UK chart rules but I would not be surprised if one of those was replaced by “SHYNE” or any other deep cut that outperforms these three in the next week or two.

#60 – “CHAMPAIN & VACAY” – Travis Scott and Don Toliver

Produced by Mcevoy, Kesh and BBYKOBE

Clipse’s 10/10 comeback album Let God Sort ‘Em Out debuts at #16 on the albums chart this week. On the single “So Be It”, Pusha T sprays some venom at Travis’ way, explaining that this is partially because of Travis’ perceived lack of loyalty to any certain camp in hip-hop. On “CHAMPAIN & VACAY”, Travis appears to respond, calling him old and using some light wordplay that ironically is equivalent to how the even older Steve Harvey reacted to Push. The real diss is dropping on the same weekend which is another showcase – if you really needed any more – of how Travis cares a lot more about sales and appearances than art, rap or the art of rap. This is a show about charts, however, so I don’t feel compelled to argue against that, I just needed something to fill up this section because this song is pretty much entirely Waka Flocka Flame screaming over a mediocre trap beat. I do appreciate the energy, it’s something the rest of this tracklist either doesn’t have or doesn’t use in an effective or interesting way. There is the potential for a high-energy trap banger here Waka and Travis weren’t so damn loud over the instrumental, dampening the impact of the cold synths and Memphis drums which could be in much better hands but aren’t particularly interesting anyway. You notice this when Waka shuts the fuck up for a bit (or they awkwardly cut him off) and whilst the momentum of the track is completely jank, the beat ends up pretty droning especially with Travis saying practically nothing in all the flexing other than an unhealthy and gross obsession with having sex with your girlfriend. That’s normal in trap but Travis and Carti are particularly unsubtle, unclever and unsanitary about it recently. You’ve been having sex with her the whole time that I’ve been asleep? Well, I don’t get much but that’s eight hours for the average person, are you okay?! Does it still work?! There’s a single verse here and it’s not like it’s Travis going off either, it’s just him getting bored and giving up as Don Toliver swoops in before Bun B hops on to lead us into “2000 EXCURSION”, which… kind of went nowhere for what was supposedly the lead single. I don’t have any closing statements for JACKBOYS 2 because its closing moments are Tay Keith’s producer tag so… Wheezy outta here, I guess.

#55 – “Lady Lady” – Olivia Dean

Produced by Leon Michels, Matt Hales and Zach Nahome

UK R&B singer Olivia Dean is having a good year with her first top 10 hits and given R&B is starting to have a little moment here in England, I expect this’ll be the next hit for her as well. The follow-up track to “Nice to Each Other”, “Lady Lady” is the second single from her upcoming debut The Art of Loving expected in September. This new single, according to Ms. Dean, is about… the universe. Huh, okay, so the song is about Mother Nature and accentuates the womanhood (and motherhood) of the world as something that has the capability of nurturing and evolving but also that this power often comes with rapid, unexpected and drastic change: a “masterplan” that Dean just thinks Mother Nature has, with her verses about the house she’s moving out of, the clothes that don’t fit her anymore and the pre-chorus’ repeated complaint of “I was just getting used to her”, they plant some doubt into that plan, one that Dean fully admits she doesn’t understand. There’s a subtle sonic build-up too, with blue, contemplative keys and a shaker eventually gathering a warm bass from Leon Michels and Finn Zeferino Birchall, alongside my favourite kind of drums, the bongos, which will always make a song feel more homely to me. It might speak more widely to a general theme of accepting life’s changes, but the neutral, uncertain tone Dean takes, the unique lyrical framing, it makes for a pretty specific song even if much of its back half is continued vocal riffing over a rising instrumental even including a horn section… because what else can you do in the face of the world’s power and unpredictability but ponder? You could also look at the lyrics relating to a human mother and the domestic scene of childhood that goes by so fast, with many of the metaphors used for Mother Earth grounding themselves in that scenario, resulting in a song that’s ultimately just what Dean describes it as. “I think it feels like peace.”

#52 – “Back to Me” – Rudimental and Jess Glynne

Produced by Chelcee Grimes, Billen Ted, Bunt and Kes Kamara

EDM group Rudimental are teaming up once again with English singer Jess Glynne for a new single that, in theory, would be a bit of a relic of 2014 and the kind of dance-centred pop the mid-2010s was known for over here in the UK, yet their first collaboration was only in 2018. “These Days” with Dan Caplen and… Macklemore was a #1 hit during the time I first started writing this show so to see them back together is making me feel like I’ve been writing this for way longer than I needed to. This is the latest serving from Rudimental’s upcoming self-titled record coming in August, with the full tracklist showing it will include many of their recent charting singles. “Back to Me” is a return to the liquid drum and bass sound we’re all familiar with them for. This also comes with unnecessarily levels of compression that makes Jess Glynne’s vocal take come in like a jumpscare and sound cheap the whole way through, especially when it “fades” into the airy cascade of synth atmospheres before the glitchy build, which is so unsubtle in its introduction of new elements that it ends up kind of funny. Just: here’s these wonky synths, they’re as loud as Glynne is, here’s a tsunami of breakbeats clashing in the back of the mix, and here’s the drop with cutesy pads and loud drum and bass drums that propel the track decently into some kind of a groove but really de-emphasise the “bass” element. It’s all quite blaringly saccharine but for this brand of dance-pop, it’s not the worst approach and honestly, I’m glad they took some risks in regards of making it a bit garish and in your face with the compression and stuttering rather than utterly inoffensive. Given it’s mostly slap-dash mixing choices that help with that, it seems more built into the sound design than decorative, I can appreciate Rudimental – for the first time in forever – going full throttle on a tune, even if the lane they’ve just gone speeding in was bright, fluffy pop radio filler.

#33 – “ALL I CAN TAKE” – Justin Bieber

Produced by Carter Lang, Dylan Wiggins, Eddie Benjamin, Justin Bieber and Daniel Chetrit

Justin Bieber surprise-released an hour-long albums called SWAG featuring several comedy sketches by Internet celebrity Druski and guest appearances by the likes of Gunna, Sexyy Red and Cash Cobain, as well as a gospel track and a generally murkier R&B vibe to the rest of his pop output. Yeah. Bieber has gathered more attention for his virally aggressive exchanges with paparazzi as of recent (most of which is completely valid, in my opinion, since that “profession” may as well be listed as “leech” or “blood-sucking mosquito”), but that, if anything, helped this surprise release gather more interest and perhaps even reputation for a more serious, darker project from the Biebs (which isn’t what we got).

Debuting at #4 on the albums chart, SWAG is a ramshackle collection of grey, unfinished-sounding tracks that is pleasant enough to listen to but gets relatively dull over the course of its runtime. There’s less attention paid to sequencing and song development as much as there is to curating “vibes” with a bunch of producers but that isn’t necessarily a bad thing as Bieber can sing and his influences here are at least more interesting, a bit more coherent as an album than JACKBOYS 2 which isn’t too dissimilar structurally from SWAG. The fact that I, and seemingly a lot of other listeners on social media, found the Bieber one more interesting should scare Travis Scott into hiding (or more hiding than he's already doing from Pusha T). The worst part of that is that I may have even less to say about them – the album being “just okay” for uninteresting reasons, instead of garishly unpleasant or vacuously dull, is not exactly the greatest starting point for review when you’re not already a Bieber fan, especially since the later stages of the record are where the more interesting – and better! – tracks lie, with “ALL I CAN TAKE” being the opener, and a perfectly fine one at that. It’s got muddy, almost new jack swing-esque drums, colder 90s R&B keys, with vocal riffing that sounds like it’ll go into more personal details about his mental health issues in the first verse of Auto-Tuned harmony but just kind of drifts off into, often vaguely sexual, meaningless platitudes and improvisational vocal takes which is a shame because this is a pretty decent instrumental. A more compelling performer or better lyrics could make use of this track’s conflict between melancholy melodic elements and the racket of its rhythm section, but this doesn’t really do much. For the record, my favourite tracks on SWAG were “DEVOTION” with Dijon, “SWEET SPOT” with Sexyy Red, “405”, “ZUMA HOUSE”, “TOO LONG” and of course, the title track with Eddie Benjamin and the Slizzy God Cash Cobain. Sadly, most of these end up on the album’s back half (which is a decent stretch) and won’t be discussed here but like I said with JACKBOYS 2, we only have three songs here thanks to OCC rules and other songs from deeper into the tracklisting could end up debuting in the coming weeks.

#32 – “YUKON” – Justin Bieber

Produced by Carter Lang, Dijon, Dylan Wiggins and Daniel Chetrit

Track three, “YUKON”, is co-written and co-produced by R&B singer Dijon Duenas, who I keep hearing excerpts from or songs co-written by but have yet to listen to a full project from – I do think what I’ve heard interests me in what would probably be promising output, given he has some decent acclaim in R&B spheres. This track might not be one of his best, but he is all over SWAG, including my favourite track, “DEVOTION”, wherein he provides co-lead vocals. You know who provides vocals on this one? Alvin of the bloody Chipmunks. Given the pitched-up vocals, minimal guitar and 2 Chainz ad-libbing, this really sounds like it stems from the Frank Ocean branch of R&B, and it’s been so long since his last project that this might make some of his fans happy. Personally, I like my R&B without the lyrics “I pull up like Jimmy Neutron, I can help you get a move on… like U-Haul”, but the silly idea of spreading 2 Chainz clips across an otherwise unrelated song not even in his genre does make me giggle. For an album called SWAG, these are mostly love songs but not in immediately obvious ways sometimes – this song’s hook is “What would I do if I didn’t love you, babe?”, an admission that his life seems purposeless without a romantic interest or goal (presumably his wife Hailey) but the verses aren’t exactly about devotion as much as, well… swag. A lot of car talk, both literally and figuratively, is peppered throughout the track and it feels like that question is less “I spend all my time dedicated to my wife” and “without my wife, I wouldn’t be able to appear to others as I do”. It’s a semi-interesting approach even if really subtle and does help the album title feel less silly because a lot of the album is about preserving his sanity, keeping up appearances, his “SWAG”. Also, the “U-Haul” lyric is actually taken from an untitled track Eminem made for Recovery and I’m just glad he didn’t interpolate the rest of the verse that’s lifted from. If you know, you know.

#18 – “JUMP” – BLACKPINK

Produced by 24, TEDDY and Diplo

I expected the BLACKPINK ladies to continue their western-leaning solo careers for a lot longer before reuniting for the group comeback, but here we are with their first song together in three years: “JUMP”. Accompanied by a zombie apocalypse-themed video (which makes me think that KPop Demon Hunters is already having somewhat of an impact… ironically), the song feels like a BLACKPINK song, that’s for sure. With typically trend-chasing Diplo on co-production, the girls sound fine on this TikTok-ready slice of techno that has the same “audacity” as many of the BLACKPINK comeback singles (or singles in general), trying to convince you about some unstoppable force of power and control BLACKPINK have over their fans because they’re just so badass or something. With KPop Demon Hunters parodying this kind of bombast, taking it to ridiculous levels well beyond the basic, honestly colourless and empty shit this is, fusing Eurodance with Jersey club for a stadium atmosphere that ends up sounding faceless, it really puts the actual K-pop global “comebacks” into perspective of just being a lot of hot air with industry support. Not that this wasn’t obvious before, but given there’s a satirical comparison point charting right now, alongside years of solo tracks, some of which were painfully trying to feign a sense of organic relatability despite all the bells and whistles, it almost feels regressive (and completely alien to the marketing and sometimes content of their solo careers) to just come back with this and no sense of irony about it whatsoever. There’s not even a big climax to make it pop at the end as the outro drop may as well be a teaser trailer for a remix that is actually complete. Especially when released the same week as JACKBOYS 2, a vapid schlock-fest that seems to actively take disinterest in the concept of authentic art, this just doesn’t ring the right bells for me. The cutesy sheen has been toppled into a KATSEYE-like doll-eyed industry chess move. It just doesn’t really work – but that’s for me. It debuted in the top 20, it was the biggest YouTube video debut of the year, it clearly works for the fans and probably many others. As a song, and as the comeback it’s framing itself, it personally strikes a rather odd note.

#3 – “DAISIES” – Justin Bieber

Produced by Carter Lang, Dijon, Mk.gee, Eddie Benjamin, Dylan Wiggins and Daniel Chetrit

Track two and our highest debut of the week is brought (partially) to us courtesy of Mk.gee, a similarly acclaimed artists who had a big year in 2024 thanks to the release of his debut album, Two Star & the Dream Police. Eric Clapton dubbed Mk.gee his favourite new guitarist thanks to his uniquely retro, lo-fi psychedelic style, which wouldn’t exactly be my first choice if I were Bieber to work with on new material but if he’s going for smoother indie-R&B, it’s probably not a bad choice and you can definitely hear him on “DAISIES” with the slightly jerkier guitar loop and stock indie drums giving way to abrupt crashing fills that kind of take over the mix before disappearing entirely. Bieber sounds pretty great on here though with less (or at least much subtler) vocal effects, and the lyrics are about some harmless romantic tension that doesn’t get too interesting but definitely not distracting. The chorus is pretty incessant, it’ll be in my head forever, but the repetition on the bridge is a tell-tale sign of the song just needing more time to cook. Overall, like much of the album, it’s just not my thing – I’m sure for Bieber fans, there’s a lot to dig into here, especially for those who liked his last fully R&B projects Changes and Journals, but for someone like me who doesn’t really have any invested interest in Bieber as a personality, these tracks fade into the background very easily. They’re not quite jam sessions, not quite pop songs, just kind of there… which I’ll honestly take. “Crashout Bieber” could lead to much worse music. Skip the racial interludes next time though, maybe, I swear that’s been a thing for Biebs this decade.

Conclusion

It should be pretty clear that Olivia Dean grabs the Best of the Week for “Lady Lady”, though I suppose I should throw the Biebs a bone and give him the Honourable Mention for “ALL I CAN TAKE”. As for the worst, sheesh, it’s a sea of mediocrity but Travis Scott will take that title for both “CHAMPAIN & VACAY” with Don Toliver featuring Waka Flocka Flame ad-libs and “KICK OUT” featuring 21 Savage ad-libs. I honestly think BLACKPINK’s “JUMP” takes the Dishonourable Mention here. As for what’s on the horizon, Alex Warren’s just put out his debut album and I haven’t been this excited since Benson Boone and Jelly Roll. Sarcasm aside, it could be a chill week so thank you for reading, rest in peace to Connie Francis and songwriting legend Alan Bergman, and I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 12/07/2025 (Oasis, Drake)

I really did not expect the follow-up to “The Days” to be as big as it is, but MK’s “Dior” featuring Chrystal has, to my surprise, reached the very top of the UK Singles Chart, the first time either artist has done this (for MK, that’s a considerable amount of years charting to get to this point). Welcome to an "empty" episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: brief discussion of sexual coercion

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (it’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40, you know the gist. This week, we bid farewell to: “we never dated” by sombr (that was quick), “Gnarly” by KATSEYE with an Ice Spice remix (taking their own “Gabriela” out with it), “The Giver” by Chappell Roan off of last week’s return and finally, nine-week #1 “Taste” by Sabrina Carpenter.

Now for our gains and returns, with the big story in the latter being Oasis, whose catalogue sees another surge thanks to the kicking off of their big reunion tour. “Live Forever” and “Don’t Look Back in Anger” return at #19 (again) and #18 respectively. These songs have already returned to the top 40 last year, with “Live Forever” reaching a new peak of #8 and the latter having spent one week at #1 in 1996. Outside of those, say welcome back to recent hits that briefly left us last week, “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri at #72 and “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez at #70 as well as “Juno” by Sabrina Carpenter at #59 doing switcheroo with “Taste” and finally, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac surging back up to #58 because that’s current.

And our big story in the gains would be the KPop Demon Hunters film soundtrack. I greatly enjoyed this vibrant film with a lot of heart, and the UK seems to agree with the “HUNTR/X” songs (by EJAE, AUDREY NUNA and REI AMI) “How it’s Done” at #32 and “Golden” at #20, and the “Saja Boys” song (by Andrew Choi, Neckwav, Danny Chung, KEVIN WOO and samUIL Lee) “Your Idol” at #26. Again, outside of those, we see boosts for “Sultans of Swing” by Dire Straits at #69 (definitely for swingers), “Dive” by Olivia Dean at #63, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls at #61, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan at #55 and “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter at #46.

As for the top five on the UK Singles Chart, it should all be familiar: “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #5, last week’s #1 “Survive” by Lewis Capaldi down to #4, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #3, “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter at #2 and “Dior” at #1. Now to cover what little we have in the way of new entries.

New Entries

#27 – “What Did I Miss?” – Drake

Produced by London Cyr, O Lil Angel, DJ LEWIS, FNZ, Elyas, GYZ, Tay Keith, OZ and Patron

Given how many producers are listed here, I can’t imagine anything was missed, especially not in the liner notes. Anyways, this is the new Drake track from his upcoming ICEMAN project, presumably at least in part a response to the feud with Kendrick Lamar because that’s not tired yet. This song is definitely still reeling from the loss, but I do somewhat understand Drake’s position – it’s probably the only thing on his mind right now. Revealed through a livestream, potentially the first of several for this project roll-out, “What Did I Miss?” is a whole lot of hot air and tough talk from someone who has publicly floundered plenty of his goodwill. As much as I would enjoy discussing Drake’s music without discussing the feud with Kendrick, he doesn’t seem to want me to forget as he frailly rambles about traitors in a vaguely sing-songy fashion over a series of flat trap-adjacent instrumentals with pleasant enough synth pads that should probably make for a song much bigger and more anthemic than this self-obsessed personification of standing in the corner pouting. I prefer the second half, mostly for an echoing falsetto loop in the instrumental from German artist Evîn Kücükali’s best Weeknd impression (I figured it was Elkan at first), and a more focused Drake performance that leads a Rick Ross diss into some nice wordplay with the girl group TLC. In spite of that, both productions sound pretty lacking and glassy, a lot less interesting or even complete than you’d expect from 10 producers. It doesn’t help that the lyrics on the first half get kind of rough as well – “She might decide to say no to me now but say yes to me later” is vague enough to excuse but doesn’t bode well considering the pattern of behaviour and sometimes even lyrically with how controlling Drake has historically been over women. Whilst definitely not the worst track he’s made since at least it has a pulse and isn’t some stodgy R&B crooner he got PND out of the sweatshop to write, it’s a flailing attempt at an unnecessary comeback, a sign less so that we need more Drake and more that Drake needs more rest. The “Iceman” can afford therapy as valuable as the chains, I’m sure.

#17 – “Acquiesce” – Oasis

Produced by Owen Morris and Noel Gallagher

This struck me as odd – why the B-side to “Some Might Say” and why now? “Acquiesce” was originally paired with said track which debuted at #1 in 1995 (knocking Take That off the top spot) but was eventually re-released as a promotional track pre-empting their 1998 B-side compilation, The Masterplan, with “Acquiesce” being its opener and possibly the most famous of their leftovers. The track was written by Noel Gallagher when the band’s train to Wales broke down, influenced by hearing the word “acquiesce” on the phone, at least according to the story he told The Sun in 2006. Noel also stated that Liam still does not know what the word means. I know they used to dig jabs at each other all the time but that strikes me as completely true. “Acquiesce” – to accept something reluctantly without protest – has been featured on remasters and deluxe editions of their iconic (What’s the Story) Morning Glory? (1995) album (which stands at #2 on the albums chart this week) since but had yet to chart in the UK until they kicked off their reunion tour, which is being filmed by a documentary crew and officially started last Friday in Cardiff. Why this track in particular? Oasis are reissuing Morning Glory once again for the 30th anniversary, with an “Unplugged” acoustic recording of “Acquiesce” being revealed as a lead single. Bizarrely, however, this is neither an acoustic recording from 1995 nor an original recording newly performed by a reunited Oasis for the 30th anniversary. Instead, this is an ”interpretation” by Noel and co-producer Callum Marinho using the original master tapes, studio chatter and all. The song actually starts with banter about Noel being sacked from the band, which I assume 20 years ago would have upset him deeply, hence why on the original recording it was muffled, reversed and hidden in the left channel. I don’t mind this cute ode to friendship, even if the acoustic “interpretation” (why even release this?) feels more like a barebones remix than anything else, and the optimistic chorus is definitely grating on both versions, probably more with the newly clean and jangly acoustic rendition than it was on the fuller, electric recording from 1995, which definitely has a nicer Britrock edge to it I can appreciate if nothing much else. I’ve never been an Oasis fan, it’s unlikely this middling B-side will excite me at all, but I’m glad it does hype up their base enough for a big debut whilst being a pretty inoffensive tune. It’s just all their songs blur together for me. Pun intended.

Conclusion

Worst of the Week goes to Drake for “What Did I Miss?” and Best of the Week goes to Oasis for “Acquiesce”. We might have more than two songs next week. For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Mick Ralphs and Young Noble, and I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 05/07/2025 (Lewis Capaldi Survives at #1 + KPop Demon Hunters, Lorde's a Virgin, Alex Warren & ROSÉ)

We have a new #1 debut as Scottish singer Lewis Capaldi makes his comeback from a hiatus with “Survive”, landing straight on top of the UK Singles Chart, with that and more to be discussed in this new, “feisty” episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, discussion of drugs, sex addiction, depression, Colonel Gaddafi and K-pop Satanism or something

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40 (that’s what I cover). This week, we bid farewell to: “The Way I Love You” by Jorja Smith, “I need to know” by Denon Reed of Cru2 (assisted by remixes by Silky, MIST, Dizzee Rascal, KAV, Ghee-K, CLIPZ, Jauz, Tom Zanetti, etc. – see the review a few weeks back for that mess), “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri, “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman, “Tell Me” by Sonny Fodera and Clementine Douglas, “Carry You Home” by Alex Warren and finally, “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez. The sinking feeling here is that all of these songs are at least decent and I liked very few of the new entries from last week, so that should give you a good idea of the chart trajectory in my eyes.

As for our gains and returns… the re-entries are mostly bottom-feeders, namely “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls at #69, of course, and “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan at #60 for whatever reason, but there’s also Lewis Capaldi’s former #1 “Someone You Loved” from 2018 (most of its successful chart run was from 2019 to 2020) popping back in at #51 thanks to the new Capaldi single, which means that we’re likely to see even more chart weeks for this 200-plus week behemoth after it seemingly left for good last year. Joy. There’s also “The Giver” by Chappell Roan returning to #43 after peaking at the runner-up spot earlier this year, with its re-entry likely thanks to the release of additional physical versions. Our gains, on the other hand, are somewhat sparse despite the Glastonbury festival (since most of the headlines from that were derived from political punk acts) but include “Take a Sexy Picture of Me” by CMAT at #42, “What Was That” by Lorde at #35 thanks to the album boost (more on that later), “High on Me” by Rossi. and Jazzy at #28, “Illegal” by PinkPantheress at #22 and finally, “Just Keep Watching” by Tate McRae at #14 thanks to the release of F1 the Album, which is not a Fast & Furious movie.

Now for our top five on the UK Singles Chart as Chappell Roan’s “Pink Pony Club” is stable at #5, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae and “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter drop to #4 and #3 respectively, MK’s “Dior” featuring Chrystal sticks to the runner-up spot and of course, Lewis Capaldi survives at #1. Now to check what landed on top of the albums chart.

New Entries

#66 – “Hammer” – Lorde

Produced by Lorde and Jim-E Stack

Last week, New Zealand singer Lorde released their fourth album, Virgin, which became their first #1 album despite the fact that their transparent CDs only work on PlayStations (or maybe, because of that – Brits love a gimmick). That’s not the only messy part of this new album, and whilst I find the entire record fascinating and adore it, that adoration does not come out of any kind of righteousness the album presents: it’s a coming-out party for Lorde to reveal themselves as a careless airhead who reveals a little too much and in increasingly awkward ways. The opener “Hammer”, released a week prior to the record with a music video showing Lorde getting a tattoo on their butt in the woods (why not?). The song itself is about some kind of spiritual rebirth wherein the uncertainty is what brings them peace – they described it on social media as an “ode to city life and horniness”, but I’d describe it as a mid-20s crisis based in the titular conceit of the hammer, quoting Abraham Maslow: “it is tempting, if the only tool you have is a hammer, to treat everything as if it were a nail”. Basically, Lorde strips themselves of all fucks possible to give and dives headfirst, particularly into sexual encounters with which this song is peppered with innuendo for, though “liquid crystal” refers not to any other kind of wetness (or even meth as I first assumed), but actually their phone, which is stupid but I can forgive a messy first verse on an even messier record. The refrain is a breathy moan of release, charged by a pulsing kick and wave of synths that would resemble house music if there was any groove worth dancing to – it's got all the elements of dance-pop but feels empty, like an attempt (though not in vain) to live a youth you never really had by losing the protection of your soul and sexuality you used to have. The weary outro signals Lorde’s death more than it does the flagrant life they’re living in this moment, looking to the aftermath of their passing over a metallic snare jammed in the mix, establishing the purpose of this album as being a “postcard from the edge”, to savour as a memory once Lorde – or at least the Lorde of Virgin, a collapsable force of ecstasy – has gone. It’s a brilliant opener, using its brevity and odd emptiness to put forward what the album intends to display pretty straightforwardly, leaving it up to the audience to listen and see what Lorde has in store, be immediately put off by this track’s perpetual edging or listen begrudgingly and notice the failures of this proposed lifestyle. We’ll be back with more Lorde after these messages from J Hus.

#64 – “Gold” – J Hus featuring Asake

Produced by P2J

UK rapper J Hus, always one of the more compelling and distinct voices in the scene, is back with a new single recruiting Nigerian singer Asake (whose singles I’ve heard I also quite like) and prolific Nigerian-British producer P2J. He recently performed at the Royal Albert Hall and it seems like his celebration is dropping his first new music in a few years, though J Hus’ verse for “Gold” actually seem to have originated as a remix verse for Shallipoppi’s “Laho”, a song I reviewed two months ago when it debuted and peaked at #57. Naturally, this is an Afrobeats song, not unfamiliar territory for the genre-hopper J Hus can seamlessly be, and not a bad one at that, though there’s something missing. This is a more party-oriented song and one of my favourite parts about Afrobeats, the back-and-forth with group vocals, would work perfectly here but aside from Asake being compressed and multi-tracked, this isn’t really present, and with J Hus’ dry, loose flow, it does feel a tad empty, especially when the multi-tracking doesn’t spread across the mix like it should, it just stacks onto Asake, suffocatingly. With that said, the strings in Asake’s refrain are nice, the shuffling of the percussion (though somewhat stock) is fun and the distinct, dark bass tone that comes in is a great way to give a uniquely English feel to an Afrobeats track, especially against the strings, as it almost emulates grime. Oh, and if you’re going to compare yourself to Colonel Gaddafi and his golden attire, where’s the gunplay? You could get into some seriously menacing wordplay around the Libyan dictator but it’s just a name-drop in the chorus. Overall, I hope this isn’t a lead single and more just a throwaway because it seems rushed, more like a half-completed thought dragged out than a full song. Shame.

#44 – “Shapeshifter” – Lorde

Produced by Lorde and Jim-E Stack

This is the third track on Virgin, leading into “Man of the Year”, which I’ve already reviewed weeks back, and covers similar but very much not identical territory in terms of identity and gender expression. Whilst “Man of the Year” sits itself in a space that teeters towards existing binaries and uses (or even abuses) them for the rush that they can bring, “Shapeshifter” is looser and brashly sexual, with the sex-obsessed confusion of Virgin solidly invading what could be a free-spirited look at self-identity.

What struck me about the lyrics of Virgin, not dissimilar to other Lorde projects, really, especially Melodrama, is the observation and the use of set-pieces or props as lyrical ideas, even when they don’t seem to directly correlate, which is emphasised in this record as imagery just gets dropped into the song as a circumstance of wherever Lorde’s natural rhythm is flowing. This song’s opening lines are about chewing gum simply because Lorde was chewing gum in the studio (constantly, apparently) and it loosely (if at all) gets pasted onto the rest of the verse about the tense, intimate and enticing moments before sex… yet it fits, right? Chewing gum is temporary but it’s not like eating where there is a goal, an end point and a result, it’s not exactly nutritious either – it perfectly fits the album’s tone, and so does the lyric’s inclusion: a “vibe”, a plastered-on idea that just feels like it should be there because not much else is. It’s fitting, therefore, that this is a list song of things Lorde “is”, with the chorus reminiscent of “Bitch” by Meredith Brooks, but instead of presently being contradicting ideas, Lorde’s version is in past tense, showing an exhaustion with playing any kind of roles – and in the context of the album’s sexual experimentation, these could be as much metaphors for roleplay and positions as they are for the chosen moods and identities in which they’ve attempted to reinvent themselves. Tonight, Lorde just wants to “fall” and feel the experience rather than think about it and more importantly, think about themselves and how they want to come off, as the second verse shows that when they have the moment to see themselves and reflect on it, it gets too personal. It shows a regression to their teenage years. The song repeats the line “I’m not affected”, a fabricated detachment to escape any hurt that is increasingly unconvincing in the song and in the context of the album, is an outright lie, though perhaps there’s some truth in it. The album is about identity – who even is the “I” Lorde sings of? They might not be affected at all, if they’re even still there. I know that these Lorde reviews have been focused on lyrics, but realistically, there is a purposeful lack of elements to Virgin which is a minimal record, “Shapeshifter” having multi-tracking drenched in reverb but refuses to trape off lines in the melody they deserve, rendering them spoken word, but allowing for a wavering echo on the pre-chorus when Lorde loses focus, with stray vocalising that disappears in the second half of the second verse (a seemingly random choice that only makes room for self-loathing). The drums are cold, factorial steps that were probably breakbeats in a past life before being sapped clean of warm energy, the bass is a flat drone, and the choruses can be really bare until the distorted synth string loop jams itself in. This song is far from devoid or empty in the mix, it’s purposeful and there are much glassier valves of instrumental nothingness on the record like “David” and “Clearblue”, but much like “Hammer”, the idea that something – perhaps the soul – is missing is what grants the morphing identity and sexual recklessness its sad, overbearing truth. Oh, and Lorde kills it vocally on the outro here vocally. I understand this one has been divisive among fans but as someone who fell out of love with Lorde’s music during the Solar Power era, this album’s brokenness made me much more compelled in Lorde as an artist and character than I had been for a while, and also made me somewhat concerned, interested in re-evaluating those older records to examine the signs leading up to this kind of break. Virgin is a phenomenal record, in my opinion, one of my favourites of the year, and I’m glad that it is having at least some level of chart success.

#40 – “How it’s Done” – HUNTR/X, EJAE, AUDREY NUNA, REI AMI and the KPop Demon Hunters cast

Produced by 24, ido, TEDDY and Ian Eisendrath

Okay… I’ll bite: what the Hell is KPop Demon Hunters? So, it’s a Netflix film by Sony Pictures Animation – who brought you Spider-Verse, Hotel Transylvania and The Smurfs – following a rivalry between a K-pop girl group “HUNTR/X” and a boy band “Saja Boys”. The Saja Boys are secretly from a demonic realm. Sigh, let’s just get through these quickly, shall we? EJAE is a songwriter who has written for many K-pop idol groups like Red Velvet, TWICE and aespa among others, she sings as HUNTR/X’s lead vocalist “Rumi”, who is the daughter of a demon and a demon hunter (which makes me wonder about the interracial relationship laws of this strange universe). Rumi is joined by dancer “Mira” (R&B singer AUDREY NUNA is her singing voice) and rapper “Zoey” (her singing voice is Korean-American indie-rapper REI AMI). If I’m getting anything from this song in particular, it’s that this seems to be a loving parody of the K-pop genre, with an awkward spoken word intro full of passion that comes off as try-hard and not built in actual menace, fast-paced multilingual verses that dip between Korean and English at random, breathy Auto-Tuned sing-rapping and swift trade-off not just between band members but between disparate song sections, all of which are dated western pop trends like DJ Snake-esque EDM trap, a rising dramatic dance-pop section and a drop-breakdown that includes gratuitous string stabs. The second verse even has a line about being “cute and savage” which is very BLACKPINK but I think the problem here is that it might be almost too convincing a parody that it’s not even funny, it’s just good – it has a more logical progression than some of the copy-paste K-pop I’ve heard, and EJAE’s vocal is genuinely impressive and very cinematic. It’s impressive that it holds strong through all the noise, she’s basically singing over fight scene sound effects. Turns out this song is good out of context, largely because of its context. Huh. More on KPop Demon Hunters after these messages from… K-pop and a demon hunter.

#37 – “On My Mind” – Alex Warren and ROSÉ

Produced by Ammo and John Ryan

Okay, maybe that description was a generalisation – this song isn’t K-pop at all despite having ROSÉ present and Alex Warren… well, his biggest hit may be Christian rock but he sounds too depressed to be hunting deer let alone demons. Speaking of how he sounds, this new duet has his vocal sounding very oddly manipulated – the way I described this when it happened to Morgan Wallen was “fuzzy”, but it might be more accurately described as just a stodgy vocal mix that makes certain line deliveries sound awkward and somewhat uncanny. I don’t know what exactly is being done to these guys with rougher voices, but they’d be better off without the Melodyne, not every note needs to be perfect and although this song has cleaner acoustics, he’s got a voice that can show imperfections. And no, Joey Moi was not involved so I don’t know what happened here, probably just a similar vocal treatment to ROSÉ’s lighter voice being used for Warren, not that they have any chemistry at all in this cinematic love song which pits a horn section against Warren’s feathery falsetto. The two clash on their harmony verse and the vocal melodies feel a little too fast than they should be, and without much of a hook outside of stray whooping, this makes for a pretty saccharine song, and one that seems exasperated at being as sweet and valueless as it is. I gave this Warren guy a few chances – and ROSÉ as many if not more – but come on, this is just as milquetoast as milquetoast can be. I don’t even see it sticking around because it is just that forgetful, yet not weightless. It’s a chunk of fluff-coated brick that will probably infect US radio like the plague. I’ve never been great with predictions but I really can’t understand why this would be a lasting hit over here on streaming, especially with “Ordinary” and “Bloodline” still around, but I’ve been wrong before (most times). There’s just nothing to this more than a heavy pile of air.

#34 – “Your Idol” – Saja Boys, Andrew Choi, Neckwav, Danny Chung, KEVIN WOO, samUIL Lee and the KPop Demon Hunters cast

Produced by 24, ido and Ian Eisendrath

Okay, so now for the “Saja Boys” roll call: “Jinu” is a demon with a pet demon tiger and leader of the group, whose singing is voice is provided by seemingly C-list K-pop singer Andrew Choi, whilst the other boys are “Romance Saja” (self-declared “multi-platinum songsmith” samUIL Lee), “Mystery Saja” (American TV host KEVIN WOO formerly of K-pop band U-KISS), “Abs Saja” (Korean singer Neckwav) and “Baby Saja” (Danny Chung, not to be confused with the fictional Minnesota politician). I cannot express how little I know about any of what I just said – for my money, Boyz 12 from American Dad! will have my heart in terms of cartoon boy bands (I’ve been trying to name-drop American Dad! on this show for years). I had no idea this KPop Demon Hunters movie existed until yesterday and I somewhat wish I had because, firstly, this is the kind of film I would actually watch and have a lot to say about – a camp animated music industry satire is exactly in my lane – so the fact that I can’t comment fully yet on the associations of these songs with the film’s plot and its characters without spoiling myself (as I’m going to watch it probably within hours of posting this episode). For now, I can comment on the songs sonically at least, and this one is definitely cinematic, with the song starting with ominous Gregorian hymns that are later implemented into a trap beat. I’m serious, this actually happened, I heard it with my ears and I’m going to see it with my ears, I am fascinated by the sheer bombast of this soundtrack. This song in particular connects K-pop standom and fan obsession with cults (of personality or otherwise), with the demons manipulating the innocent public into believing in them as “idols” – I didn’t think the religious themes would be this explicit – with still a lot of K-pop idolisms present. Chung even references “going viral”. This is another ridiculous song, but with the layers of drama here, I can’t help but be endeared by it – after a grinding industrial bridge, Choi’s electronically manipulated vocal is placed against the choir harmony and it sounds genuinely kind of scary (it almost sounds like the vocal was ran through an AI deepfake of a choir, it really is that uncanny). I’m a big fan of these songs, I am more and more intrigued in this film.

#31 – “Golden” – HUNTR/X, EJAE, AUDREY NUNA, REI AMI and the KPop Demon Hunters cast

Produced by ido, 24, TEDDY and Ian Eisendrath

Welp, our final song from this weird movie is another track from leading girl group HUNTR/X and yup, I like this one too. I should point out that amongst the K-pop producers 24 and Teddy Park, “ido” here could refer to the Korean producer IDO or Ido Zmishlany, known for his work with Shawn Mendes, Demi Lovato, Justin Bieber and other western pop teen stars. Even if it's not Zmishlany, his influence comes out to play very audibly on this synthpop track “Golden”. You have the airy, manipulated vocal loop you could expect from a late 2010s electropop song before the buzzier 80s synths come in and feel a lot fuller than some actual pop songs, even if it is still a bit too compressed for me against the gated drums and vocals (which are a bit loud and even dry at some points, though this is to be expected for a soundtrack). Really, it’s a basic motivational song that has little reason to exist other than to be the kind of basic theme song they used to always make for these CGI kids’ movies. It’s like Shakira for Zootopia or Rihanna for Home, and Sony Pictures Animation knows exactly what this kind of song would be used for: an end-of-movie dance scene after all the problems get resolved, of course! Now I’ve yet to see if that’s actually how it gets used in the film, but that’s what it reeks of and in an honestly refreshing way with how it layers the cloudy vocal loop and the synth, it feels more atmospheric and purposeful than that kind of song whilst also filling in the void for dumb pop cheese. It’s also our second gold-related song today, for whatever that’s worth, but my main takeaway from these – and the other songs from the soundtrack I may or may have peeped a listen to during these reviews – is that I need to watch this film as soon as possible because these songs are amazing, the concept is stupid and I am hooked to the idea. I’m also glad TWICE’s “Strategy” found itself on the soundtrack, that’s an amazing song in itself. If any others from the soundtrack chart in the weeks to come, I will update on this show in regards to what I thought about the film; it may be a couple paragraphs long given what I’ve found out just from these reviews.

#1 – “Survive” – Lewis Capaldi

Produced by Peter Fenn, RØMANS, Andrew Wells, Connor McDonough and Riley McDonough

Why does this Lewis Capaldi song have five producers? Anyway, this is the big comeback for the Scottish singer, surprise-released exactly two years after his hiatus started, which was to focus on his health (an honestly good practice for those in the music industry who can afford to take those breaks). Combine that with a music video, a physical push and a surprise appearance at Glastonbury, and you get an easy #1, a feat Capaldi is surely familiar with. This song is a somewhat one-note motivational ballad about survival, just getting through it no matter how long it takes, particularly in regards to depression, with some decent lyrics especially in the pre-choruses that resonate pretty well. I like the line “I refuse to spend my best years rotting in the Sun” a lot, especially with how the Sun is used here as both as a motivator and a depressor: it’s beautiful out, but it’s also humid and the nights are short so the constant daylight feeds away at your sleep, which in a lot of heat can end up just being rotting. The acoustics rise into a swell that really isn’t that far off from post-Britpop – is that really the new throwback trend for singer-songwriters? – but Capaldi’s voice, also a rough one, has some very odd vocal mixing here too. It's not exactly the frog-throat I’m used to him but also not exactly the Joey Moi stodge-tuning, with many lines in the chorus sounding like compressed rubber underwater. I don’t particularly know why vocal mixing is the recurring theme of this episode but come on, the belting here deserves better treatment especially with all the string section drama that “Survive” eventually develops into. I actually really enjoy the final build-up – the song is somewhat a slog until that point, and it is too little, too late to make up for a song that could have placed more time and effort into areas like lyrical detail or fine-tuning the production than just sounding massive and airy. In that way, it’s pretty similar to “On My Mind”, but at least Capaldi seems more sincere. I’m not mad this is #1 either, it’s a welcome replacement for “Ordinary” and “Manchild” which both continue to sour on me and the potential replacement is the basic “Dior” so this is honestly preferred. That’s a bit sad.

Conclusion

I was originally going to hold off before seeing the film but no, Honourable Mention goes to the KPop Demon Hunters cast (particularly “How it’s Done” and “Your Idol”) with Best of the Week going, obviously, to Lorde, particularly “Shapeshifter” but also “Hammer” – both are excellent songs, there’s just more to “Shapeshifter”, especially in terms of progression, though “Hammer” is a dramatic mission statement. Worst of the Week goes to “On My Mind” by Alex Warren and ROSÉ, but I’m mostly glad that we had a refreshing, quality week after last episode was such a slog. As for what’s on the horizon… Kesha? Clean Bandit? Zach Bryan? It could be a chill week. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you then.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 28/06/2025 (Fred again.., Skepta, PlaqueBoyMax, Sam Fender, Olivia Dean, Rossi., Jazzy, sombr)

There is a lot happening on this week’s chart, and I’m personally just glad that after a mostly consecutive reign at the top, ACR (look it up) has hit Alex Warren’s “Ordinary”, taking it down many pegs in the top 10 and leaving a song I dislike but at least is fresher, “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter, to take up the mantle for a second non-consecutive week at #1. Welcome back to this “flustered” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, references to sex and toxic relationships

Rundown

Honestly, I’m going to try and keep this episode as quick as I can –there are 10 new entries and few give me all that much to say or think about, so it would be best to try and go for a pace like the older episodes before each song review got unwieldingly long. I don’t apologise for that, by the way, sometimes I have a lot to say, sometimes I like to ramble and most of the time, my lawyer (*not a real lawyer) has advised me to never proof-read (*not real advice). Once the episode’s done and longer than War and Peace, I’ll eat these words anyway. Regardless, as always, we start this week with our notable dropouts, those being the songs that exited the UK Top 75 this week (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top five. This episode, we bid adieu to many fallen hits, namely: “Killin’ it Girl” by j-hope and GloRilla and “The Contract” by Twenty One Pilots both off of the debuts (as to be expected with songs propped up by heavy fanbase sales), “cliché” by mgk, “Old Phone” by Ed Sheeran (more on him later), “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid, “Steve’s Lava Chicken” by Jack Black (great run for what it is), “Beautiful People” by David Guetta and Sia (which lasted way longer than I expected), “Revolving door” by Tate McRae, “People Watching” by Sam Fender (more on him later) and of course, legacy act bottom-feeders “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac and “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, which may be back next week anyway.

Then we have gains and re-entries – the latter include “Gnarly” by KATSEYE at #74 thanks to the new song (sigh, we’ll get to it) and “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri at #71, whilst our notable gains are “What Was That” by Lorde at #56, “Cops & Robbers” by Sammy Virji and Skepta at #39, “Illegal” by PinkPantheress at #36, “No Broke Boys” by Disco Lines and Tinashe at #26 and not much else, most of our traction is in the list of new entries.

Our top five has actually been relatively shook up, and could have even been more so but we’ll get to that far later down the line. For now, Chappell Roan’s “Pink Pony Club” drops to #5 as a new entry launches in straight at #4 – “Victory Lap” by Fred again.., Skepta and a certain “PlaqueBoyMax” (whatever that means), I supposed we’ll get to that too. Then we have “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #3, MK’s “Dior” featuring Chrystal gaining to #2 despite not being of much quality at all, and finally, “Manchild” at #1, with just some few changes making this top five feel a bit fresher, in my opinion, and really top 10 as a whole, even if it’s not a very good batch of songs at all. Speaking of…

New Entries

#62 – “Outside” – Cardi B

Produced by Charlie Heat and HeyMicki

As charting music, in spite of a decent bit happening, are still functioningly on autopilot, if you’re a big artist with some risk of underperforming, and enough of a reputation to maintain or anything to prove, dropping an album now is a great idea. Ed Sheeran is somewhat in that place with Play but he’s much more confirmed to do well (and with more of a global sway) than New York rapper Cardi B, who you should be familiar with thanks to her massive 2018, the US #1 hits that followed, “WAP” and “Up”… but she’s still yet to release the follow-up until suddenly, we discover that not only is the sophomore effort Am I the Drama? releasing this September, but said tracks actually appear on it, with this being the 17th lead single or something ridiculous. I’m surprised it’s not debuted higher but a lot of her traction has dissipated and whilst this is a safe choice for a single, it’s also not one that would move the needle for UK audiences, having the typical Triggerman bounce beat and lyrics about how men aren’t shit, though specifically about her ex-husband Offset this time. I don’t think I want a public rap feud between former husband and wife, that just seems messy and liable to traumatise a couple children, so I can’t necessarily endorse or even be interested in the shots taken here, especially since it’s ridden with Hollywood gossip bullshit. Cardi doesn’t even sound as aggressive as she usually does, with a typical array of ad-libs and some gruff multi-tracking but overall, she sounds more disinterested than usual, kind of exhausted even with all the shit-talking which… makes sense. If I was in the booth rapping a diss track about the father of my children, I’d be tired too, and there’s not exactly any hard-hitting lines either, especially not with this basic, minimal instrumental that is basically just the bounce drum loop and some crowd noises. This sounds like a leftover leak, not a single, and it caters to a certain crowd that I’m just not that intensely a part of. Sure, I’m subscribed to r/fauxmoi, as much as I hate to admit that, but I’m not invested in Chloe Bailey getting with Offset or something about LeBron, especially if there’s nothing spicy or impactful there, just drama. I don’t hold Cardi to that high a standard but considering the attention she pays to social media, a vocal minority do, they probably won’t like this and I worry for her career if that really gets to her.

#55 – “Mr. Electric Blue” – Benson Boone

Produced by Evan Blair

So Benson Boone released his newest album American Heart to… rave reviews, I’m sure. I have yet to hear the record, probably never will, and whilst I’m no fan of YUNGBLUD or HAIM, you can thank them and Loyle Carner, who I actually do enjoy, for blocking him off the top of the albums chart, where he debuts at #4. I’ve been a big Benson Boone defender, but even I’ve lost the will to keep that up in recent months. I was really worried that this would follow “Mystical Magical” and sample “Mr. Blue Sky” and, well… thankfully, that’s not the case, it’s just another moonbeam ice cream situation with that title, I suppose. Despite the comical video where he does back-flips and responds to critics online (I think I hate meta-Boone more than most people hated sincere Boone), “Mr. Electric Blue” actually refers to his father, who he was in awe of as a child, with much of the song’s perspective being this naïve, childlike portrayal of his father as a superman who was just there one day and has always been there since, being so effortlessly cool and perfect. The most depth the song grants his father is that he was able to “chain [Boone’s mother] down” which is the worst phrasing you could ever have used and tells me a lot about Boone if that’s part of what he admires, alongside him being a “good, hard-working American”… yeah, if this isn’t satire (which I’m not entirely convinced Boone isn’t, with all this vapid Americana imagery), then it’s just worthless bubblegum. Cutesy synthpop pastiches about people you love are fine (and have been very common since the 80s), but Boone is doing a lot of hard work selling it, there is a post-chorus string swell and a pre-chorus that distorts his vocals as if he’s yelling through a megaphone how much he wants to be as cool as his dad. There’s even a vocoder bridge just repeating “Mr. Electric”, it’s just trying a little too hard to embrace the inherent cringe in an artist with Boone’s voice making this genre of song with this kind of subject matter, so much so that it seems confused. Is it ironic? Probably to some extent, sure, but is that irony, draped in American thematic motifs and plastic synth piss, based in a lot of sincerity to sell that idea? Absolutely, and the fact that there is an honest, admittedly interesting perspective here – a child’s love for his father, who he’s yet to see as flawed in any way – that’s just not given any nuance or room to breathe, is what makes it so much worse. This kind of song needs a bridge where he sees his dad cry or something and the chorus reassures that even through that, he’s still a superhero to him. Boone doesn’t want to touch on fragility or uncertainty at any point, however, and hasn’t for any of the three singles I’ve heard from this sophomore album. It was cute and breezy the first time but now it’s just saccharine. Ugh.

#49 – “Drive” (from F1 the Album) – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Blake Slatkin and John Mayer

For some reason, it is odd for me to see an Ed Sheeran song about driving from the F1 soundtrack. He seems like he should be cycling to the studio with a picnic basket attache. Regardless, here’s the newest single from F1 the Album, the full soundtrack of which has just released as of the day of writing. John Mayer of all people joins him as a producer and co-writer here, though it’s not the first time they’ve crossed paths, musically or otherwise – here’s them talking about watches for an hour and change. If I were to compare this to anything in Sheeran’s discography, it’d be his innuendo-laced glam rock track “BLOW” with Bruno Mars and Chris Stapleton, mostly because there’s not many attempts in his catalogue to make an honest-to-God rock song, the kind that you could hear on rock radio, and I do think this will be big on US modern rock radio, it’s an easy crossover that you can take somewhat seriously if you don’t think about it too much. And you really shouldn’t think about it too much, because this does not fit Teddy at all. There’s not a grit to Ed Sheeran’s voice, not even with a dry layer of distortion and an attempt at a rawer delivery, because he’s still as feathery as ever, with a flat mix that doesn’t offer him much coating in these quiet, stodgy electric guitars – it just sounds like he’s doing karaoke on an existing rock song… but he’s the only one there who’s not drunk, he’s taken it seriously. Consider the acoustic guitars that back the earnest chorus, the attempt at a groovy post-chorus, the fact that the lead riff sounds like Guitar Hero couldn’t license Audioslave’s “Cochise” and came up with something similar but not tempting a lawsuit. The song’s still catchy even if lyrically, Ed can’t sell sex or intensity, has never been able to, and whilst he may be able to sell a fleeting acoustic ballad about escapism, that doesn’t apply to rock and especially not to running from police cars. I don’t mind the closing moments at all, and there is some promise to this – it might be a case of right song, wrong person – but there would need to be a lot added to give this the power it needs. As is, it’s basic, one-dimensional pop rock that Theory of a Deadman could do better. Ed Sheeran, I like your music but when I’m comparing you negatively to Theory… maybe stick to the lane you’re carving out for your solo record with all the international influences, that’s working out a lot better.

#47 – “GUILT TRIPPIN’” – Central Cee featuring Sexyy Red

Produced by Alex Lustig, Harley Arsenault and WONDRA030

Central Cee and Sexyy Red have a duet because both rappers seem to be willing to do anything with anyone for enough attention and notice I didn’t say money there, I think the streams are what captures their… “experimentation” with different artists and genres. Out of all genres to tackle for this one, Cench and Ms. Sexyy are going for Afrobeats. Our story starts in Haiti, however, in 2007 with Wyclef Jean, whose song “Sweetest Girl (Dollar Bill)” featuring Akon, Lil Wayne and Nila peaked at #66 in the UK that year (when “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis was #1). A much bigger hit elsewhere in the world, it contains Auto-Tune crooning about then-President George W. Bush and despite that, is oddly ahead of its time (I’m serious), and already references plenty of older songs as the one-off quartet trade parts. It’s not a particularly great song, but I like Wyclef and he brings the best out of Akon, who you of course can’t hear in Cench’s song as Drake’s modern producers blur the sample in a watery mess as they try to emulate a relaxed Afrobeats instrumental. Cench calls Sexyy Red a feminist who doesn’t believe in gender roles but is still in the kitchen making meals for him. Sure. It’s basically one of those typical pop-rap songs about a bad boy with a girl he doesn’t treat very well, cheating on her, arguing, but still paying her back with jewellery, with the conceit mostly being that they’re as bad as each other and despite how vapid their relationship is, they somehow stick by, mostly because the sex is good and they’re both rich. That’s all fine and good – it’s not that far off from the “cash rules everything around me” theme of the original – but it’s… off. Mostly for Cench, who usually rides these Afrobeats instrumentals well but sounds completely dead on this, phoning it in with any sense of melody drained out of his voice entirely, even in the hook. Sexyy is somewhat off-beat but has a light-hearted delivery and looser sense of groove that makes her verse much more enjoyable, especially with those backing ad-libs and slightly comic subject matter. Speaking of, I just find the theme a bit unfitting for the kind of song it is. You expect it to be at least rough around the edges, but this is streamlined Afrobeats without many of the human back-and-forth elements that make those songs interesting, just liquidy Drakeisms, the kind that makes his worst music such a slog because the melodies in the original samples and loops have been blended into a soggy ball of air. It’s just… nothing. For a song about a relationship between Central Cee and Sexyy Red, being boring is perhaps the least expected outcome, and definitely the worse crime.

#44 – “Plastic Box” – JADE

Produced by GRADES and Oscar Görres

Jade Thirlwall is still trying to launch these solo singles, with nearly a full year of singles with middling performance (“Angel of My Dreams” being the exception) and personally for me, no staying power, with the debut solo album THAT’S SHOWBIZ BABY! still months away. Is this new single any different? Well, a lot of the singles have taken different approaches, it’s just that they haven’t reached a point since the very first where I can say the song goes far enough to be what it clearly wants to be. This song uses the conceit of having her lover’s heart in a plastic box, wanting an untouched, pure love with no existing baggage from prior relationships the two have had with other people, because even knowing that her partner once felt a similar way for anyone else hurts her a little bit, makes her feel less special. JADE acknowledges this as obsessive, a bit irrational in a very compressed mix that has her echoed, processed vocal mould into the rote synthpop dreck, though at least this time with a more interesting snare, I suppose – the bar’s low for this kind of synth slop now. Spending a lot of the chorus in a nasal, higher register with iffy pronunciation is a choice I don’t really understand, like why would she be meekly requesting this if it’s torture for her to read love letters to others in her partner’s handwriting? The pre-chorus gets half the way to belting, it feels like a bit of an anti-climactic cop-out to have a more low-key chorus where much of the emotion lies in wispy background riffing. I assume that’ll be the point, as she’s a bit afraid to ask directly, but when there’s so little to the song, both substance-wise and in terms of actual unique words, it just sounds pointless, with an abrupt cut rendering this as a practically unfinished cut that would only be a single if you’re really desperate for something, anything to work. Basically, it’s Ava Max’s demos.

#42 – “Gabriela” – KATSEYE

Produced by Andrew Watt and John Ryan

I’m generally disappointed we’re lending any attention at all to KATSEYE after the flagrant manufactured viral slop of “Gnarly”, but I’m not surprised. If they’re not going to continue down the route of what I can only call brainrot, I have no problem with them charting more songs, I’m sure there is talent within the “group” and behind them. If you notice the production and writing credits, they’re much less out there than “Gnarly”, with professional hitmakers Watt and John Ryan alongside Charli xcx in the mix as a co-writer, which is pretty much what I expected would happen after the group blew up, they can reject the weirder elements of their viral hit. Part of that could be how it was reportedly a demo left on the cutting room floor by Rita Ora and Anitta in 2019, meaning it’s at least five years old and had been shipped around the label block for years to a lot of rejection before it finally met its match in an opportunist follow-up for a girl group amorphous enough to take it. It’s a “Jolene” narrative with Auto-Tuned vocals and Latin guitar, and “back off my fella, Gabriela” being the vaguely memetic line. At least they actually have a Spanish-speaking member for a Spanish bridge, but the drums are stiff, the lyrics are typical and a lot of the vocal deliveries are telling of it being a Rita Ora song from 2019. Their EP, BEAUTIFUL CHAOS, is out this week as of writing, I don’t know if it’ll launch any hits but this may as well be white noise… which might be worse than offensively annoying because at least that’s something. Resorting to this as early as they are in their career after such a distinct breakout reeks of either confused management or utter facelessness. Just really worthless stuff.

#37 – “we never dated” – sombr

Produced by sombr

What frustrates me most about sombr is that he could make really good music, I see the potential in some areas, particularly how he has a relatively unique blend of sounds, even if they aren’t distinct at all, and his voice could be worked in an effective way by the right producer and especially writer, that’s what he needs. I was actually hoping he’d get a third hit so we can see how he develops an artist with all these new eyes on him. The title and the fact it is solely credited, both writing and production, to sombr himself, did worry me a bit however. I was right to, at least lyrically, with the condescending verses about how clever and sly this person was, how infatuating they are despite them not being romantically involved with sombr and the post-chorus mantra of “I can’t make you love me”… it’s all just kind of sleazy (not in a rockstar way, either) like sombr’s other two hits were. If I can ignore that, we do get some decent indie rock hidden somewhere in here, even with stock drums, because the riff is memorable, it definitely could be part of a good garage rock sound a decade or two ago, but it’s washed out by sombr’s yelping and even more so by his saccharine harmonies that make these patronising lyrics sound even more childish. Even more so than “Plastic Box�� or “Gabriela”, there is so, so little to this song lyrically that it is impossible for me to care if I’m not a fan of the main conceit which, in this case, is regret with a hint of guilt-tripping. I like the swell of the bridge, there’s something to that, especially with the pianos, but it doesn’t have much room to breathe, I’d appreciate if it was more dynamic of a song and didn’t just slog around – I can imagine being more sold on this content in an alternate universe where this is a post-Britpop track (it already isn’t far off). Keep the bongos in the outro, though, I like those.

#33 – “High on Me” – Rossi. and Jazzy

Produced by Rossi. and Mark Ralph

Okay, I’ll bite. Who the Hell is Rossi… full stop? Well, as you may have expected, Mr. Full Stop – real name Ross McCornack – is a DJ from London known for his minimal house sound, active since at least 2018 (with an older, unrelated release erroneously slapped onto his Spotify page). This is his first time charting thanks to a collaboration with now chart mainstay, Irish singer Jazzy. There’s no delay to this one either, the song immediately starts with a crash into slinky house percussion with a lighter blend of melodies and what sounds like stuttered crowd noise before a swift drop into a throwback garage house bass that is sticky as Hell, I love that bassline. Sure, it’s simple, I actually wish it was louder in the mix, but it’s a catchy progression with good texture, especially against the 90s keys, and whilst I was unsure about Jazzy’s Auto-Tune-drenched half-singing at first, which seemed like a bit of a regression from her more sincere-sounding vocals on “Somedays”, her performance really grew on me over listens. This is mostly because I started to see her tuned-out vocal as a bit of a response to all the sound effects like the alien synths, array of presumably royalty-free male vocal soundbites and metallic drum percs. Her most effective companion is probably that groaning synth in the drop that sounds like Pac-Man on pain meds, but I love the rise that follows even more, with an even stickier synth (one I can only imagine as a puke-green sprite following Jazzy in a maze), before a smooth fall into that drop, with that bassline again just hooking me. Out of all songs this week to like, I didn’t expect it to be this week’s EDM nobody but yeah, good song, might count as a guilty pleasure if I believed in that but mostly just a solid throwback house jam. Hope this sticks around.

#6 – “Rein Me In” – Sam Fender featuring Olivia Dean

Produced by Sam Fender and Markus Dravs

Okay, finally, maybe this last stretch can have some quality. I mean, it’s basically guaranteed with Sam Fender and Olivia Dean, who is a new act I’m definitely keeping my eye on after how much I loved “Dive”. Originally a solo album cut from his latest, People Watching, Ms. Dean has been added for the single version. Let’s start with the original. Lyrically, it’s following a similar trend as the other singles from the album where the signature northern details are sparser, and the emotional aspect is accentuated instead, with a not unfamiliar lyrical theme of Fender being isolated and deteriorating his own personal relationships, leaving him feeling a sense of deathly numbness that may take him physically out of the North Shields pub he frequents but his “ghost” remains in the memories and experiences his former friends had, ones that he desperately wants to ignore and forget. It’s definitely an album cut and would not have made sense as a single, retreading a lot of content and sonic ideas, being in the latter half of the record, it’s not a particularly interesting Sam Fender song. That doesn’t mean it’s bad, it’s got a uniquely baroque pop texture (or at least does until the guitars coalesce into a typical heartland twang), but it’s not the most flattering texture for his voice and at five and a half minutes, it runs too long to be this uninteresting, not a favourite from Fender at all and I wish he showed more restraint as the song hints towards or at least did something more significantly different with the song compared to much of his other work. Now, bring Olivia Dean onto the duet at a live show at the London Stadium (which Dean was already a support act for), premiere a studio version a week later, and maybe the song can expand on its ideas, introducing a second voice? To my surprise, that’s actually what happens – a lot of pop duets and remixes aren’t properly justified now, but Ms. Dean has a great response verse to Fender, essentially beckoning him home and reassuring Fender that he shouldn’t isolate himself and that he is loved. I wish she was a bit louder in the mix, but it’s a decent way of making the song feel more impactful, even if ultimately it’s just the second verse and there isn’t much in the way of chemistry after, or even a change in the chorus’ lyrics to reflect another perspective – maybe Fender is convinced by Dean, or Fender reacts more aggressively to the suggestion, not wanting to go back. I suppose a song about reining yourself in will naturally not go the extra mile, even if it means making the song worth its runtime, but yeah, this is nowhere near the other singles for me.

#4 – “Victory Lap” – Fred again.., Skepta and PlaqueBoyMax

Produced by Blake Cascoe, Dan Mayo, Darcy Lewis, Fred again.. and PlaqueBoyMax

I like Skepta keeping his eye to the youth and collaborating with a lot of younger, interesting artists so he can experiment, I really do, but sometimes I feel more out-of-touch than he is at 42 years old. I had only heard of “PlaqueBoyMax” from a friend who watches his live streams – apparently, he hosts music creation processes live on Twitch, where a song is made in a makeshift studio in real-time for fans to watch and, I assume, make suggestions, to artists who join him. According to NPR, PlaqueBoyMax – real name Mr. Maxwell Dent – was a member of the e-sports collective FaZe Clan before making these streams, the “In the Booth” videos, his main output, even officially releasing the products of those streams on streaming services. The same article makes a point about a rise in hip-hop streamers who barely count as journalists and barely counts as rappers, but more-so hyped-up middlemen who are strictly a part of the promotional aspect of the music, but Max here, presumably named after platinum-certified hits and not bad teeth hygiene, has branched extensively into the music-making world. I have not watched his streams myself but I think that’s a great thing to show kids who are interested in music production (Max even has a production credit)… doesn’t mean I had hopes for a livestream throwaway with two artists I like a lot but are somewhat inconsistent, especially when their hearts aren’t fully in it.

This song actually originates in Fred’s flip of Doechii’s grimy 2022 track “Swamp Bitches” with Rico Nasty which you should check out if you haven’t already. Both rappers are inconsistent for me, but the guitar-led boom bap morphing into frenetic, bratty sex-raps over a droning trap flicker, with maniacal laughter and hilarious dirty lyrics all the way through, it’s a brilliant track that really showcases their shared personality traits, even if Doechii does kind of wash Rico on it (she’s been pretty disappointing as of recent, unfortunately). Fred takes a mostly consecutive fragment from Doechii’s extended first verse, looping it into a short, simple hook. He noticed the catchy rhyme scheme as anyone would but outside of the stuttering “I need that”, it’s not actually that quotable of a hook, it sounds kind of slurred with all the effects, and out of all beats to lay it under, I wasn’t expecting a relatively straightforward grime track. I figured this be some Jersey club bullshit but no, it’s fully in Skepta’s familiar territory and whilst I wish there was slightly more to the instrumental so that “hook” could skip more faintly in the background, Skepta absolutely kills this, I mean, obviously. He can be a wild-card, but this is a grime track with a built-in lyrical motif that he can insert into his verse, so it’s a lay-up for him. The bassy rumble turns into a funky warble as his flexing – with a great third-person couplet – turns into drug talk, and the overwhelming alarm of a bass synth that follows his verse would be great… if it led to anything. Without the heavy bass in the mix, this song would feel so empty and whilst it’s a great bass, of course it is, and it would absolutely go off in a DJ set, but outside of that context, it’s kind of just a cool idea, which makes sense as that seems to be the idea of the streams: a cool idea developed on in a quick, light-hearted session. It doesn’t make for a top five hit though and for a guy who is famous presumably for his on-screen personality, I thought Max would also be rapping here but he leaves it all to Skepta (who admittedly runs out of juice in the second verse). Fred has been teasing a remix with Denzel Curry which could really be an opportunity for him to go off, but I don’t know, it’s just not there for me, especially when the original “Swamp Bitches” is not distant enough in vibe from “Victory Lap” for it to capture a more distinct energy. It’s still nice to see Fred and Skep having fun though.

Conclusion

For such a slew of new songs from varying artists, it’s really not an inspiring bunch, is it? As tired as I am, and as demotivated as I am after seeping through tons of shit for this episode, I am an optimist when it comes to art, I tend to enjoy most music I listen to on some level… so when there are 10 new songs and I like only about one and a half of those, that’s a problem. It’s still not a quick episode as I wanted it to be – whoops – but it could have been longer if these songs were any good. Best of the Week goes to Jossi. and Jazzy for “High on Me”, with a slight Honourable Mention to “Victory Lap” by Fred again.., Skepta and PlaqueBoyMax, though the worst… sheesh, there’s a lot to choose from. I actually think JADE’s “Plastic Box” just sounds the worst to me on a sonic level, the most unappealing to me personally, so I’ll give it Worst of the Week with a tied Dishonourable Mention to “GUILT TRIPPIN’” by Central Cee and Sexyy Red, as well as “Drive” by Ed Sheeran, though Boone just got off barely by at least giving me something to talk about, even if it’s sheer bubblegum. Hopefully we get some quality – or just less quantity – soon but for now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 21/06/2025 (j-hope & GloRilla, Twenty One Pilots, Mark Ronson & RAYE, Disco Lines & Tinashe, Coldplay)

Well, we had one week of Sabrina Carpenter’s “Manchild” at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, yet Alex Warren swings back with “Ordinary” for a 13th week at the top. Thirteen! Regardless, welcome back to this “nostalgic” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, brief discussions of assault and sex

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts, which are songs exiting from the UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks or a peak in the top 40. For this episode, we bid adieu to quite a few recent hits, namely: “Borderline” by Ely Oaks and LAVINIA, “Headphones On” by Addison Rae, “All I Ever Wanted” by Rachel Chinouriri, “No Bad Vibes” by Jazzy and KILIMANJARO, “Sorry I’m Here for Someone Else” by Benson Boone, “NOKIA” by Drake (with uncredited vocals from Elkan) and finally, again, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan.

Then we have plenty of gains and returns filling up the gaps temporarily, with the latter including recent hits like “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid back at #71, “Somedays” by Sonny Fodera, Jazzy and D.O.D at #68 as well as, of all songs, “Rock that Body” by the Black Eyed Peas. Now, I couldn’t find an exact spark for the virality of the track on TikTok but you know how that app works – trends travel fast and all of a sudden, a song you haven’t thought about in years is at #35. As inexplicable as that era of Black Eyed Peas could be, I do think they’re not given as much credit for being genuinely weird and pulling it off, with “Rock that Body” co-produced by David Guetta being one of my favourite examples – Fergie spends pretty much the entire song in an Alvin and the Chipmunks voice for no reason, the Rob Base sample is looped over this plodding electro-house until it no longer resembles words, Taboo name-drops every genre that the song decidedly isn’t in his verse, it’s a brilliant song from their 2009 album THE E.N.D. (THE ENERGY NEVER DIES). “Rock that Body” originally peaked at #11 in 2010, whilst Lady Gaga and Beyoncé were at #1 with “Telephone”. If we haven’t already, maybe we should re-evaluate the electro-era Black Eyed Peas as a phenomenon that could never occur again – click here for an old chart blog that year on the BBC about the song if you’re in a nostalgic mood. Then our gains include boosts for “People Watching” by Sam Fender at #64, “The Way I Love You” by Jorja Smith at #59, “Back it Up” by Josh Baker and Omar+ at #58 and “Take a Sexy Picture of Me” by CMAT at #57, but nothing too high except for a switch-up in our top five.

Speaking of, this week, the top five on the UK Singles Chart starts with… “Dior” by MK featuring Chrystal off of the debut up to #5 (great), followed by “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #4, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #3, and of course Ms. Carpenter and Mr. Warren switching places at the top. Now to dive into our new songs.

New Entries

#74 – “Dive” – Olivia Dean

Produced by Bastian Langebaek, Tre Jean-Marie and Matt Hales

As Olivia Dean continues to gain traction with newer material, her catalogue will benefit stream-wise and this is especially true for songs that had been bubbling under for a while but with new people discovering her, can finally reach the surface (no pun intended with that song title). This is its eighth week in the top 100 but its first in the top 75, coming from her debut album Messy back in 2023. Given all I’ve heard from her so far has been her charting material, I was interested in a slightly older song the fans liked to gauge a clearer idea on her unique sound. You definitely hear that here in “Dive”, which is a much lusher and full song than her newer single and soundtrack cut, thanks to shuffling, grainy drums and a horn section that keeps this weird balance between going all out and staying in the background, which is perfect for the song as lyrically, that restraint isn’t there, with the music filling in for emotions that she does not even want to consider outside of her “tidal wave of question marks” because that has the potential to ruin the moment of looseness, of utter submission to a lover who comes in a vulnerable moment. After years of heartbreak, Olivia Dean is fragile and the bar is low – being seen as capable and fine is enough for her to fall into this relationship headfirst, rejecting all concerns because she sees herself as understood, not beautiful but “beautified” which is a fascinating little detail because it indicates how much of the self-worth is attached to that partner and how they make her feel, that she would empty without it as the chorus hints towards (“every time I fall, I lose it all” – but she still repeatedly falls in love, or falls for it, depending on how pessimistic your approach is). The way the horns don’t explode but reach in and out amidst a more constant piano – a heartbeat, maybe – showing restraint at every turn even in the bridge where they could really blast, is a perfect way of reeling our narrator in subtly and without spelling out those underlying concerns. I adore the back-and-forth of the chorus, with the backing vocals already being lodged into my head, which don’t answer Olivia’s list of maybes but act as the present voice: the Olivia who’s there in the moment sipping wine and looking into their eyes, a version of herself that’s easy to ignore when she’s alone pondering on that moment from a perspective wearied and wised by bad relationships. There isn’t a post-chorus to the song, but the chorus so smoothly fades into the quick change-over of the verses (which are incredibly short) that it almost hints towards a switch-up, something to anticipate, especially when the track is surprisingly bare, mostly just Olivia (murmuring slightly in the haze of feeling) and the rhythm section, only for her to fall into love again, and love she seems to struggle to comprehend the realness of. It is a simple song lyrically, repeating a lot of the same ideas and returning to familiar motifs, but with the aim of reflecting a brief moment of overwhelming awe and love that has little time for trying not to sound like a broken record. Consider the bridge, one line repeated as the instrumental rises around her, but not having much effect on her delivery, still confident, like she’s on a train that won’t stop, in a life routine that won’t change, but still feeling the plunge of her heart reminding her of how much she felt seen, cared and loved for. She remains still in the gorgeous outro, having her vocal trail off into a set of subtle, almost music box-like keys, chords that slowly morph into spacey echoes, formerly empty night skies having stars fill up their dark expanse. This is an absolutely gorgeous song, probably one of my favourites to chart this year, and I may need to listen to that debut album in full if there’s anything as well thought-out and wistfully intentional, almost idyllic, like this on there. Perfect track, amazing way to start the episode off.

#55 – “Holy Blindfold” – Chris Brown

Produced by The Monsters & Strangerz, Jonathan Bellion and Tenroc

Chris Brown is pretty ignorable nowadays which is mostly a blessing but amidst his legal case in London about an alleged attack two years ago, he will still release singles and perform at concerts (in between attending court dates here in the UK). Breezy was actually made to stay at a UK residence while awaiting trial and only being allowed his passport when needing to travel for gigs, according to the BBC. I wonder if that ongoing mess will give any further credence to this new song which seems to be to some degree quite separate from his R&B sound when he enlists the big pop producers and songwriters, a stop I wouldn’t imagine CB pulling out nowadays unless he really wanted some kind of late-career smash… and wow, this is a misfire for Brown’s vocal texture. He’s nasal, he yelps like a child and has been drowned in increasingly cheap, liquidy Auto-Tune his entire career – either take away the processing, which makes his vibrato sound unrecognisable on the chorus, so I can take him a bit more seriously on a 90s UK street soul groove (probably not a coincidence that he attempts this sound whilst in England for the trial). I do think this dustier production, with a semi-choral backing, is better than most of his production, and Jon Bellion and Tenroc give the track a Soul II Soul shuffle that I honestly miss, the song isn’t bad purely on sounding really nice and sparkly outside of Brown himself. Lyrically, the idea of a woman being a “holy blindfold” is not worth even tearing into the logic of, especially if most of the lyrics are do-do-do’s and Breezy’s just going to resort to sex like he always does in the second verse, to little to no avail. This sound is warm and atmospheric but not in a way that is as smooth or sticky for that kind of content, especially not sold by the usually vulgar Chris Brown anyway. I’ll admit, it did grow on me, but I still have too many reservations to endorse this. It’s a step in the right direction for him, I’ll give him that, but it still clashes just a bit.

#40 – “Sparks” – Coldplay

Produced by Chris Martin, Guy Berryman, Jonny Buckland, Ken Nelson and Will Champion

Okay, I’ll bite: who the Hell are Coldplay? No, just kidding, all of our new tracks are from pretty established acts this week, and this song is an extreme case of being established in that it’s two and a half decades old. “Sparks” is an album cut from Coldplay’s 2000 album Parachutes, when they were still vaguely a rock band, mostly in the post-Britpop tradition of slow builds, dreary tempos and string sections. Parachutes of course became the first of many #1 albums in the UK for Chris Martin and co., but of course, as an album cut, “Sparks” couldn’t chart until its digital release. A recent resurgence on – you guessed it – TikTok, potentially spurred on by Martin separating from his partner, actress Dakota Johnson, which isn’t of interest to me – though it makes some of their latest effort Moon Music quite bittersweet – but seemed like the last step to cause what was inevitable. Coldplay are a massive band, one of the biggest ever, and as younger fans discover the back catalogue, some random album cut that was already critically acclaimed was likely to enter the chart after a few clips get made of it. Now what is there to say about an old, slow Coldplay ballad from the turn of the century? Not much, though their recent songs do miss that guitar texture that felt bassier and smokier, it really fit Martin’s timbre in my opinion. The acoustic ballad is about needing someone to remember you, reminiscing on those sparks of a relationship, and Martin can sell that desperacy pretty easily with his default register but the lack of a specific lyric that drags me in, is particularly distinct or poetic, makes it difficult to resonate fully with the track, especially considering the lack of a real hook or build, where it somewhat follows the Coldplay formula but without the grandiosity that set them apart. It’s a murky, early-years song for a band that was remarkably quick to figure out how they wanted to sound, and it hasn’t particularly aged well for me, and that’s coming from someone who defends Coldplay more than most.

#37 – “No Broke Boys” – Disco Lines and Tinashe

Produced by Ricky Reed, Zack Sekoff, Phoelix and Disco Lines

As a Tinashe fan, I was pretty disappointed in her lukewarm BB/ANG3L follow-up, Quantum Baby, last year but maybe working with Colorado DJ Disco Lines will bring her back to that stronger, infectious structure or give her more flavourful production that hopefully inspired less dead-eyed performances. Well, I’m not too sure as this is actually a remix of a track from that very album and not one I liked. The song is far from bad, per se, it has some vintage-sounding keys and a fine enough groove, even if it is wavering and minimal in a way that doesn’t accentuate the vapid sing-songy chants of Tinashe’s vocal, doesn’t really drive it. It’s difficult to describe, but there is rarely a moment where the rhythm overpowers the almost melancholy sounding keys, and the mix is pretty empty, with the multi-tracked City Girls-esque hook really front-and-centre, so it just sounds… unfinished, not as saleable in the bratty fun it could be because it’s barely a song and more just a cool loop with some ratchet drums and hook ideas, which is clearly the vibe intended given the studio chatter but ends up just feeling useless, like a filler track included to pad out an underdeveloped tracklist shoved out to capitalise on “Nasty” being an actual hit. So, there are very few elements to this song that can very much be re-arranged and expanded on by a remix, it’s almost a deceptively simple song built for remixing given how catchy and simple it is. Disco Lines goes for a slow throwback house build-up with some echoey, futuristic atmosphere effects that don’t hurt the build-up but feel tacked-on to a song that is much more concerned with being… well, filler, this time just in a DJ mix instead of an album. It’s an easy chant to recognise and have the girls singing, so slap it on a four-on-the-floor, give an obnoxious synth lead a try, bam. I do respect the clear attempt to make the song more interesting and detailed sound design-wise, layering the backing vocals from Tinashe’s friends you hear in the studio chatter with her vocal, having pitch-shifted call-and-response (that barely works for me because of how unintelligible the pitched-down vocal is), adding an array of ribbiting sound effects in every angle of the mix, but it still feels empty and directionless, like painting pretty patterns on a basic figure-eight, it’s still a simple and honestly boring course, especially without new, original elements from Tinashe. It’s almost sad to say because I am a fan and would love for her to get more hits, especially if a pretty low-key song like this can land in the top 40 just with a remix, but it’s not there for me, sorry.

#34 – “Suzanne” – Mark Ronson and RAYE

Produced by Mark Ronson and Tommy Brenneck

It’s been a while since producer Mark Ronson has had a hit in his own name, enlisting RAYE for a track that is… an advertisement, basically. Swiss luxury watch brand Audemars Piguet have linked the two up to promote not an upcoming Mark Ronson album or follow-up from RAYE (though a new single helps the two prospects), but the “APxMusic” cross-promotional project, which strikes me as odd given RAYE’s success as an independent artist but get the bag, I guess, especially if the song is literally going to be about Audemars Piguet which this is. According to Wallpaper, it wasn’t an intentional reference initially to use the name Suzanne in the song but Suzanne Audemars was the mother of the children who started the brand, apparently encouraging them to go into watchmaking after her husband passed. AP – as if they don’t get mentioned in rap lyrics enough – have a partnership with the Montreaux Jazz Festival, which RAYE performed at last year, and Mark Ronson already collaborated with the brand before so I suppose the cheques – sorry, the stars – aligned for this collab.

As for the song itself, it’s only very loosely about Suzanne Audemars in reality, unless RAYE has a massive crush on her, that is, as there is an attention to detail to every description of this woman RAYE is infatuated with that I can only imagine comes from years of yearning. Combine that with some of the most organically-produced soul throwbacks of recent year – as you can expect from the mostly timeless Mark Ronson, with co-producer Thomas Brenneck on guitar and an incredible horn section that really should be even more prominent in the mix – and you’ve got an incredible love song, one that doesn’t entirely disclose just how requited it is. The years of admiration are evident in the playfulness of daring this Suzanne character to sit next to her, and even declaring that she’s been in this uncertain but definitely loving relationship since childhood, with the in-depth fantasies of the chorus reading like years of loving dreams and diary entries. Somehow, the unnecessarily wordy and specific request of “If you'd allow my left arm and my right arm to collide inside the small of your back, just like that” being too earnest to even come off as awkward in the meter, especially with layers of harmony vocals repeating her name behind her. The repeated line “Eyes are like the ocean, her nails are painted green” that starts the song and returns in a higher register in the second verse as RAYE paints the hypothetical scenario (clearly an overly perfect, but close to reality, version of what she dreams of going down) of how she’d approach Suzanne is such a nice way of connecting the earlier years of adoration into the moves she’s desperate to make now, and another little lyrical idea I love is how RAYE repeats the word “something” – not just “She blinks in slow motion just like something in the Looney Tunes” (which already gets a thumbs-up for the Looney Tunes reference) in the first verse but her request in the second for the waiter to get her something strong. It de-emphasises any detail that isn’t directly connected to Suzanne, framing the focus clearly on her and even points of comparison or drinks she will have aren’t nearly as important to get into as Suzanne herself, particularly because the comparisons are from RAYE herself, who repeatedly submits to her in a way that decentralises herself, even in the vocal delivery: take the mocking cadence of the second half of the second verse and her trailing into unclear, scat-like rhythms when her mind is on what she would like to say, what she wants to do, because it’s not Suzanne, it’s RAYE’s own fantasy scenario which isn’t as valuable to her as just Suzanne’s presence. It’s really a brilliantly-written song and sonically does a lot to help, with the instrumental break blurting out the horns amidst a winding synth that reflects the uncertainty of not just how Suzanne responds (which is the one thing she can’t fantasise, because she doesn’t know what that looks like), but to if this scenario is real or spoofed up by loving daydreams. I also love a good soulful drum fill, especially the immediacy of the shuffling moment that repeats here, it reminds me of “Midnight Sunshine” by The Soul Children… and I honestly don’t even have any nit-picks here. Unsurprisingly, I can’t find anything wrong with a sapphic love song produced by Mark Ronson. This show is starting to get real predictable, isn’t it?

#33 – “The Contract” – Twenty One Pilots

Produced by Tyler Joseph and Paul Meany

I’m pretty sure I do a spiel about how I can never really get into Twenty One Pilots every time they show up so just know I like a few songs but don’t understand the lore. Regardless, that fanbase will launch a lead single into the top 40 with ease, so here’s their newest single, coming just a year after Clancy and according to typically cryptic social media posts, will lead up to Breach – the final act in the narrative arc they have been weaving for a decade since Blurryface. I do not know if that means the end of Twenty One Pilots or just a closing of this avenue, but with how much of their time in the spotlight has been defined by the songs that play a role in that narrative with characters I don’t understand, it’ll be interesting to see where they go after this, if they do or even can. Now I’m not a fan, but they will occasionally swing and connect for me, with them doing so last year with one of my favourite songs of the decade so far, the acoustic ballad “The Craving” Tyler Joseph dedicated to his wife. One of my biggest obstacles in fully engaging with the eclectic duo is the front of a character arc that I’ve never bought into, so self-contained sentiments like that one end up being much more resonant for me. Unfortunately, lead TOP singles tend to be flashy and confusing, so I didn’t have my hopes up, though Tyler’s wordiness tends to at least slide in better to pop music structures than, say, Sleep Token.

“The Contract” is supposedly about “Nico” and “Clancy” but for normal people, it’s about insomnia and paranoia, with Tyler’s sarcastic high-register Auto-Tuned outbursts about not sleeping coming out of relative nowhere over a murky mix of dark, chasing pianos, splintering breakbeats under the mix and a slinkie of a stuttered synth that I really love. For an awkwardly-structured chorus, it resonates surprisingly well, as the backing instrumental barely changes despite Tyler’s awkward whining turning into ghostly harmonies, with that back-and-forth eventually clambering alongside guitars to a rollick that lets Tyler get off his typical fast-rap off, though this time with a lot of brevity. The one verse is distorted and stuttered, finishing abortively and barely reaching above Josh Dun’s drums before it turns into a restless yell that pans between left and right for each line, a cute detail for a song like this indebted to the voices in our narrator’s head, which is probably also the thematic reason for the pitch-shifted mantra of “sleep” in the post-chorus. The respite of the bridge with mostly the breakbeats under a rising synth and Tyler’s high vocals is a cool idea but it ends really quickly, bringing me to my main problem with the song – it has a lot of half-elements and half-ideas that it gives up on relatively swiftly. Sure, high turn-over is integral to a panicked, paranoid uptempo alt-rock song, that’s fair enough, but the lack of room to breathe damages the impact of certain parts when Joseph is itching to get back to the admittedly really strong pre-chorus. The one verse doesn’t grant much lyrical development, the bridge is disappointing, and there’s a pointless break between the final pre-chorus and chorus that seems just to stall and show off a cool vocal blip effect rather than actually make the song hit better. One of the chorus is half-future bass for no reason, the lyrics on the outro are really basic, and that side-winding synth I love never gets turned into something special like a guitar solo which would be so satisfying. Maybe a song about an unfulfilled contract shouldn’t be satisfying, but I can see that running off as an excuse when the song sours on repeated listens: there are aspects of this song I love and I’ll probably listen to it regardless of my hang-ups, but when the album comes, if it’s not justified by the context, will it not just end up a bit of a waste of great ideas?

#30 – “Killin’ it Girl” – j-hope featuring GloRilla

Produced by Cirkut, inverness and Blake Slatkin

And speaking of fanbases who can push a song effectively, our highest debut this week is the latest solo single from BTS star j-hope, this one with a guest spot from Memphis rapper GloRilla, who I do generally like a lot for her distinct voice and not-taking-any-shit attitude but these aren’t exactly traits that will mesh you in well with shiny K-pop stars so I had my concerns, especially given we’ve got some pretty generic pop producers here like Cirkut and Slatkin – I was anticipating a Kid LAROI song, basically.

Well, if you select the right version of the at least 10 available, including but not limited to a “West Coast remix”, a “Brazilian Phonk remix”, a version with a full band and a version listed as the “Soul remix” (indicating the lack of any in the original), you’ll get a 2000s throwback beat I couldn’t imagine LAROI on or j-hope, really, who is unnecessarily Auto-Tuned in his verse. I could imagine Pharrell on it, hence why j-hope does the typical 2000s Skateboard P whisper on the hook, with a BTEC Jazze Pha introducing the track over what sounds like The Neptunes or even Bangladesh (the producer, not country) if someone came in and took out all of the interesting sounds. Now, I’m a sucker for Neptunes-style production and with someone who actually fits over it – out of newer-generation artists, Lil Tecca comes to mind, especially with the introduction of some slicker guitars and harmony vocals in the second chorus onwards – this song could hit for me as the slightly unconventional groove and heavily percussive beat is definitely good, even if uninteresting. GloRilla thankfully sounds excellent on this, even if the combination of this beat and her voice accentuates the slight DJ Mustard-ness of it all. The self-declared “Mike Glo Myers” sells the bad girl image and much more literally than j-hope expected, I’m sure, as she includes so many lines about metaphorically killing it in her verse that don’t always line up with something you could turn into a flex about wealth or attitude – if you’re not doing anything shady or violent, why are lawyers getting hired? As funny as it is to hear Glo hashtag-rap “blood on the scene – period” on a song by a BTS member, there isn’t much interplay here at all which is a damn shame when you could get really interesting with it and I know just who would: Tyler, the Creator. With a history of both worshipping Pharrell and having earlier horrorcore lyrics (as well as working with Glo last year on “Sticky”), he would have fit perfectly on here, expanded the track beyond its empty state. Get a third verse that ends with either of them being shot or something, tell a story, maybe it’s a Bonnie and Clyde, whatever, just get interesting and creative with it. Glo’s nearly there but the song seems scared to take this already silly idea into a much more exciting and ridiculous direction when it would really be worthwhile in my opinion, especially when in the 2000s, these songs weren’t afraid to get ludicrous… or to get Ludacris, for that matter, he would have killed this too (both puns intended). As it is, it’s just fine, with a particularly bad first verse, but the potential being there makes it a frustrating listen and no, I’m not rating or even considering the now typical flood of remixes because that forces me to acknowledge the Brazilian phonk remix of this song as anything but a stream troll.

Conclusion

What a quality week overall – even the songs that aren’t spectacular gave me a lot to run through which is honestly a nice feeling to just have a lot there to chew at. Worst of the Week to Disco Lines and Tinashe, unfortunately, for “No Broke Boys”, with Best of the Week – and a very emphatic one at that – to Olivia Dean’s “Dive”, with RAYE and Mark Ronson not to be sniffed at with “Suzanne” as the Honourable Mention, I love both songs. As for what’s on the horizon, we have some male-female duets lined up from two different extremes – Sam Fender and Olivia Dean vs. Central Cee and Sexyy Red – that both could land pretty high, as well as YUNGBLUD, JADE, HAIM, Lola Young, Cardi B, Lorde, Ed Sheeran… it could be stuffy. For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to John Reid of Nightcrawlers, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 14/09/2025 (Sabrina Carpenter, Ed Sheeran, MK & Chrystal)

Finally, Mr. Alex Warren has been dethroned. Sabrina Carpenter debuts at #1 on the UK Singles Chart with her new lead single “Manchild” – welcome back to this “unusual” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, discussions of depression, misogyny, ageism, body-shaming, sexual discrimination, drugs, suicide - it's one of those episodes

Rundown

As always, we start with our notable dropouts which, if you’ve forgotten or you’re new here or you just love catchphrases, are songs leaving the UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid farewell to: “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid, “Dark Thoughts” by Lil Tecca (could be back next week), “Anxiety” by Doechii, “Here in Your Arms” by Nathan Dawe and Abi Flynn, “Busy Woman” by Sabrina Carpenter (three-song rule victim) and finally, “Timeless” by The Weeknd featuring Playboi Carti, allegedly.

Those tracks of course make way for our re-entries, like “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan at #75, “People Watching” by Sam Fender at #73 and “Gnarly” by KATSEYE at #62 (presumably thanks to an Ice Spice remix – seriously). Then we have some gains for “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls at #65, “Illegal” by PinkPantheress at #60, “Sultans of Swing” by the Dire Straits at #59, “Beautiful People” by David Guetta featuring Sia at #55, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #53 (one of those weeks), “Espresso” by Sabrina Carpenter at #46 thanks to residue streams from the new track (“Taste” got a small boost too, more on her later), “Cops & Robbers” by Sammy Virji and Skepta at #41 off of the debut, “Lose Control” by Teddy Swims at #40 (this will never go away), “Good Luck, Babe!” by Chappell Roan at #38, “The Glen” by Levi Heron at #26 (yes, really), “Headphones On” and “Fame is a Gun” by Addison Rae at #44 and #23 respectively thanks to the debut album (more on that later), and finally, “Nice to Each Other” by Olivia Dean at #18.

As for our top five, we have “undressed” by sombr at #5 (unfortunate), “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #4 (undeterred), “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #3 (uncertain), “Ordinary” by Alex Warren at #2 (unwarranted) and of course, “Manchild” at #1 (unsurprising). Now to check out our handful of unheard tracks arriving at the top 75 this week.

New Entries

#72 – “Nope your too late i already died” – wifiskeleton and i wanna be a jack-o-lantern

Produced by i wanna be a jack-o-lantern

Sigh, well, firstly, *“you’re”. Secondly, I really do not want to talk about this song. wifiskeleton was Jeremiah Simms, a young singer-songwriter who was pretty typical within this kind of SoundCloud bedroom pop niche: blending plenty of genres (mostly emo, rap and indie pop), being a part of large, wide-ranging collectives, going by more aliases than is ever necessary, having songs taken down and reuploaded to streaming services seemingly at random, with ironic cover art and self-deprecating emo lyrics that read like teenage diaries. This is not a particularly unique type of artist and you see some mild viral successes or cult followings from these kinds of people, who also tend to be chronically online and have run-ins with confusing drama confined to Discord servers because of unchecked mental illness and teens being teens. Just from reading song titles and his biography info, describing the kind of producer tag soundbites he would include (“You’re a creepy loser” is a tag placed on the song titled “let the credits roll for the end of my miserable life” – this is what we’re dealing with here), I can tell this is clearly not the kind of artist who has any interest in subtlety or mainstream recognition, but the Internet’s always a platform for people who should not gather attention for whatever reason, and the same applies here.

wifiskeleton had this song go viral from his debut album but would not see the peak of its success as on May 5th this year, he died from an overdose in Miami. Naturally, this gave the song a continued boost and it’s finally in the top 75, though there is not much to the song itself at all and I don’t see it lasting. Sure, its surprisingly upbeat, jangly acoustic guitar riff could be catchy especially when put against the depressive lyrics as some kind of comedic juxtaposition, but it seems just tasteless to take that as the appeal for a song by a dead man. The song goes nowhere without a hook or any progression, just a loop playing for a minute and a half, and whilst wifiskeleton’s mumbly, almost Kid Cudi-esque sing-rap has some appeal, UK-based shoegaze act “i wanna be a jack-o-lantern” has a pathetic performance here on the second verse. Both were probably recorded in bedrooms on podcast microphones, so I probably shouldn’t criticise the mixing, but I can barely make out a word from these guys. This is clearly not a guy who had much self-worth or appreciation for his own art; he named an EP “horrible bullshit” and used a screenshot of a cartoon for its cover art. This is someone who wasn’t just using SoundCloud as a platform but lived and breathed the kind of careless posting of whatever demo that gets recorded with little hope that it will go nowhere. wifiskeleton was only 21 years old and the jack-o-lantern guy appears to still be active, releasing a song with “six days after christmas” (these emo band names are just sentences and stage directions) a few days ago as of this writing. I hope that wifiskeleton’s friends and family can live peacefully with the newfound virality of this song and that royalties are granted appropriately. That’s all I can really say.

#68 – “Take a Sexy Picture of Me” – CMAT

Produced by CMAT and Oli Deakin

Well, I’m not a professional photographer, but I can try. CMAT is Ciara Mary-Alice Thompson, an Irish singer-songwriter from Dublin active since at least 2017 who has had some streaming success with her tongue-in-cheek folk songs but has only now charted in the UK, after both of her albums going #1 in her home country. Produced with Oli Deakin, who was behind the boards for her 2022 debut, “Take a Sexy Picture of Me” is the second single to be released from Euro-Country, set to be out this August and containing such titles as “Lord, Let that Tesla Crash”. Ms. Thompson stated on BBC Radio 1 that the song was inspired by the body-shaming she received from Internet commenters on the video for her performance at the BBC’s Big Weekend (according to the NME, the BBC did disable those comments after the flood of harassment came in).

Released in May to coincide with the papal conclave (which she says on TikTok was an intentional statement against Catholic treatment of women), the song touches on the unhealthy views surrounding female beauty, with the most damning line being the chorus ending with “Take a sexy picture of me, and make me look 16”, which turns into 15, then 14, etc. until she wants to be seen as a baby, with that supposed innocence and lack of power being something that is unfortunately considered attractive to certain male standards, in part because it can lead to the woman being more easily seen as an object of potential abuse, and also in part because youth or at least appearing young is something chased as if it is a cornerstone of being attractive and seeing yourself as such. CMAT explains in her behind-the-scenes video that the second verse is all about phases of womanhood, from “schoolgirl fantasies” to the “single woman banter” that she deems harmful to female self-image because it villainises the act of existing without connection to men. I love the lyric about the fog lifting in the chorus as it acknowledges how very real the issue of unfair societal expectations of women are but also how easily we can be distracted from that or dismissed on the grounds of it not seeming like a big problem, which resonates since CMAT herself is just 29 and whilst the self-doubt and pressuring standards have been there since she was a little girl (and long before), she’s still young enough to be not be taken seriously about it. The song is not afraid to touch on the ickier side of these expectations, with a distinct performance from CMAT full of character over vintage Nashville-sounding pianos and guitars that give it a countrypolitan feel, especially with how the vocal mix replicates that slight distortion (a few singers are looking for a smooth, country-tinged vintage pop sound but this is the closest I’ve heard to actually fitting themselves in that mould). The need to feel “sexy” is the need to feel valued, and the bridge does a beautiful job at demonstrating the reluctant necessity for women to find value in experience rather than appearance, offering herself as being here for the “party girls dragged out by their ankles” even if she’s no longer considered attractive due to her age. It’s a sad position to play, especially at that young of an age, and there’s a justified hesitancy in CMAT to accept that role as an almost agony aunt-type advisor to the younger and sexier with her scouring forums for cures to aging. It’s definitely an intriguing and fascinatingly-written song though in my opinion, despite the nice, vintage sound and great performance from Ms. Thompson, the song does little sonically to show the advancement of age or even deliver on a progression or role reversal that the narrative clearly allows for, with an abrupt ending that makes me wish for more to have been explored, even at the risk of dumbing down or overshadowing the vulnerable lyrics. Overall, this is still a remarkable song, I’m not exactly surprised it’s charting given both the sound and relatability factor, as well as connection to an unfortunate viral moment. I suppose time will tell if this song ends up lasting on the chart but I definitely think it’s worth listening to and I will be checking out Euro-Country to see where this writing leads her. Great stuff.

#61 – “New York” – Addison Rae

Produced by Luka Kloser and Elvira Anderfjärd

Social media star turned alt-pop singer Addison Rae has debuted at #2 on the albums chart with her full-length debut, Addison. I’ve yet to hear the full record but this song proved popular enough to end up charting alongside the pre-release singles so does this convince me to take a listen? Well, I never know exactly what to expect from Rae, Kloser and Elvira at this point as they’ve proved a pretty eclectic trio… but I definitely was not expecting this. Now, to be clear, this is Charli xcx worship, down to the distorted claps, familiar melodies, repetitive Auto-Tuned sing-speaking that at times even slips into a faux-British accent and a lot of the lyrical tropes about freedom in the city. If Charli hadn’t called herself a “dance whore” yet, it was inevitable but Addison has swooped in to claim that title in what is also a pretty great song. We start with Addison inviting us to “take a bite of the big apple” (which really does not help the Charli comparisons, exactly), followed by a stuttered vocoder “New York” that sounds like it could been from a 90s Microsoft text-to-speech device. Clippy and Bonzi Buddy ghost-wrote this one, I hear. Then we get the mantra of Rae loving New York because of the freedom its nightlife supposedly brings, over a really subtle synth that warms its initial chilling sound over time as Rae’s breathy verse vocal lends it a comfort that you don’t hear when the instrumental abruptly cuts out entirely at the start (seemingly just for the bit – again, something Charli and A.G. Cook would do). Once the percussion soft-launches the slow house build, we’re treated to an ugly, echoed kick taking up a weird space in the mix and an incessant shake that refuses to leave even when the kick has, only succumbing once Rae’s vocal has been flattened by EQ, and immediately settling back in once a slightly more egregious clap can steal your focus. With a few rhythmic breaths, the minimal cultish mantra of “I love New York” becomes a buzzy multi-tracked child “na-na-na”-ing like she has the lollipop and you don’t, before we just clip out suddenly and without fanfare. That really is the point of the song: for Rae to be on the sugar rush of fame and debauchery that you, the listener, can only wish for, waving the lifestyle in your face and taking it away just when you’re able to start living vicariously through the four-on-the-floor. One thing I didn’t realise until after listening was that this is the opener, which is… bold, and definitely lights a spark of interest I didn’t really have before in listening to this full-length album. It might be something more than the sum of its obvious influences if this and “Fame is a Gun” are anything to go by. If she ends up charting another deep cut, I’ll update on how that went.

#17 – “Dior” – MK featuring Chrystal

Produced by MK, Emily Nash and Larry Latenight

I didn’t mind Chrystal’s “The Days”. A basic, empty, minimal demo, sure, but there was a thematic reason – it’s a song about reminiscing simpler, lazier times and it seemed very intentional to keep it as basic as possible, especially with the series of successive remixes. This follow-up single with career DJ Marc Kinchen – a producer who has made some great contributions to house music since the early 90s – is a huge miss for me, however, because it does not feel nearly as purposeful. Despite sticking in the same lane as “The Days”, this one can’t justify itself as easily. Firstly, Chrystal tries to build interest in both a romantic relationship  and a from rags to riches origin story here, with the two arcs kind of fusing into each other without much detail or logical narrative, but most of the song is meaningless references to luxury fashion sung deadpan through robotic levels of vocal manipulation so, who cares? Secondly, this song has an eerie, unwavering synth in the back, a build-up with a factorial racket of breakbeats and copy-paste snares splattering into each other, this is making the song grander but with little pay-off. Once we finally get the drop, it sounds disappointing and awkward because of the late drop leading into just “The Days” lite, with plastic synth tones briefly popping in but not spending too much time visiting because that would just be a bit too much going on at once. The best moment here is probably the vocal chop in the second drop but right after that, the song’s over. When done purposefully and effectively, minimalism can leave you wanting more and accentuate certain aspects to really drill a certain message through or leave an artist’s intention barer and rawer. This kind of minimalism just seems stumbled upon and lazy, collating contributions from its producers into a product that lacks much of a goal, with the lyrics not exactly committing to a topic except for the vapid drone of “Christian Dior”. It’s a disappointing follow-up in my opinion but I definitely think it will stick around, for whatever that’s worth. It’ll probably get five million remixes anyway.

#9 – “Sapphire” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Ed Sheeran, ILYA, Johnny McDaid and Savan Kotecha

There’s a certain gall to Ed Sheeran for not crediting Arijit Singh as a featured artist on this new single from his upcoming record Play. Singh may not be known to UK pop listeners but he is the most followed artist on global Spotify! Initially a reality TV star in the 2000s, he is now an award-winning, government-decorated Hindi “playback” singer – this is a type of star not regularly seen in modern western cinema but still commonplace in India, wherein singers who do not appear in films themselves record the singing parts for the film’s star actors. In India, the soundtracks featuring the playback singers can be immensely popular and often, they reach the same levels of success and recognition as the actors miming their performance. The most-streamed Indian artist of the last five years, Singh co-wrote the song and appears on the bridge singing in Punjabi alongside Ed himself, marking what I believe to be his first appearance on the UK Singles Chart, though I could be missing another uncredited appearance. He’s been making the Asian music chart since 2012.

As for the song itself, it’s honestly great. In the same vein as how “Azizam” fused a more typical dance-pop track with Persian music, we have Singh on sitar here alongside lute and tabla players, but Punjabi influence runs a lot deeper in this track than just adding the instruments to your typical brand of synths. Sure, those are still there – though they sound particularly sparkly here, especially in the intro – but the rhythm section is straight out of Punjabi tradition and is the foundation for the track, which does have plenty of western pop tropes, but the chorus integrates Punjabi so seamlessly because Ed’s English lyrics emulate the rhythm of the words in the Punjabi section (I actually didn’t notice him switch at first). Lyrically, it’s about intimately dancing with your partner and wishing the moment could last forever, which isn’t exactly new for Ed, but he does include references to karma and fireworks to still centre the culture he’s influenced by (quite subtly) into the thematic aspect of the song. I love how he strips off some of his signature multi-tracking for the verses to get a more organic performance, piling them all into a chant of the title in the chorus that sounds grand, especially after Singh’s bridge which is brilliant in how it builds. I already love Ed’s layers of manipulated vocal loops in much of the rest of the song, but the way Singh’s vocal wraps around Ed’s, which still takes centre stage in the mix for the break section, as the kick plods in, is a fantastic moment of just being astonished by how his partner glows in his eyes, it’s beautiful, and to bring Singh’s vocal to the front of the mix solely on the bassline for a brief, fully Punjabi rendition of the chorus is just a great touch (it sounds built for a highly-choreographed music video). Perhaps that final rendition of the chorus goes on for a tad too long, but the outro it evolves into has some really dramatic choir vocals and intense percussion that sweetens the slight droll the hook starts to bring by that time in the song (though a smoother transition that lifts the choir in through the final chorus would make it an even more special moment). Regardless of some nit-picks, this is a detailed interweaving of Punjabi music within a more typical dance-pop that appears effortless purely through how tightly the song is written not to conform to certain standards or quotas but to fully involve the culture. This is absolutely one of Ed’s best upbeat tracks, which don’t tend to hit as well for me as his ballads, and I am interested to see how much global travelling he ends up taking into account on this new album. Excellent song.

#1 – “Manchild” – Sabrina Carpenter

Produced by Jack Antonoff and Sabrina Carpenter

Ignoring the discourse surrounding Ms. Carpenter’s cover art and music video – regardless of how she chooses to present herself and gender roles in her art, it’s certainly not feminism to police that simply because of her gender and the gender of her audience – I am personally interested in seeing how this new Sabrina Carpenter album ends up sounding and performing. This is her first album that has been made during true megastar status she’s achieved in the past year and the turnaround has been remarkably swift (which makes me think it could all be leftovers in the same vein and/or sessions as Short n’ Sweet, but time will tell).

This lead single has immediately caught attention with its video and launched at #1 thanks to a vinyl push, though I’m not sure the song stands without the star power. Sabrina brings her now typical lighthearted sensuality with Antonoff’s also now typical 80s synths and slight country elements like the guitars though here, they’re clearly for decoration as the focus is on the shiny production and hook, which is oddly flailing on here. You’d think a chorus that debuts at #1 wouldn’t just trail off exasperatedly and let the main vocalist get basically cut off with how overwhelmed they are by instrumental admonishments. The second verse similarly just keeps going in a sing-songy fashion that screams unfinished. The first verse and pre-chorus do click, I like the beat-down of this annoying guy who Sabrina somehow dealt with, but she loses me pretty soon by just not introducing new elements to the table and letting weird, weaker melodies sit and be steamrolled by 80s radio-rock pastiche. Some parts are just bizarre choices to me: where’d the pre-chorus go, Jack? It was catchy, funny, had a bit of call-and-response – it’s only there once when it could be a great structural device for this kind of song. The song fades out tepidly just as you can start to hear it turn to a real hoedown, but the fade out is so slow that it’s almost just teasing the listener with what fun you could be having. I suppose that makes sense for how the song is written and who it’s directed to but the listener is not supposed to be the manchild, they’re supposed to relate to or laugh with Sabrina’s position… unless you’re into humiliation kinks, I suppose? Is that a large subsection of the Sabrina Carpenter fanbase? That survey can wait, I’m still interested in this album even if this single definitely sounds like a song carried over from the last – I think the more direct and fed-up lyrics here could go a long way with the right structure and production. I’m still not complaining about a new #1 either, after, over 10 weeks of Alex Warren, I just don’t prefer its replacement.

Conclusion

Despite only six new songs, this was still a relatively expanded episode – there was a lot to these songs, and it pleasantly surprised me. Best of the Week goes to Ed Sheeran – I am so sorry – for “Sapphire”. Trust me, I really wanted to give it to my ladies but the tied Honourable Mentions are Addison Rae’s “New York” and CMAT’s “Take a Sexy Picture of Me”, because the two songs are up there sonically and lyrically respectively but don’t take the further step ahead in either direction to be perfect, which they very easily could. I suppose the worst song here in my opinion is “Nope your too late i already died” but out of respect and just wish to avoid all of… that, I’ll grant Worst of the Week instead to MK and Chrystal for “Dior”, with a Dishonourable Mention to “Manchild” by Sabrina Carpenter (that was really disappointing). As for what’s on the horizon, AJ Tracey and Lil Tecca have albums whilst RAYE, j-hope and Joel Corry all have star-duo team-ups that could land on the chart. And, hey, maybe Digital Nas can bring his arts and crafts along too (unlikely). For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to the music legends Brian Wilson and Sly Stone, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 07/08/2025 (Tate McRae, Addison Rae, Olivia Dean)

Alex Warren is at #1 for yet another week on the UK Singles Chart, with “Ordinary” spending its twelfth week at the top. Welcome back to this “pestilent” series REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: brief discussions of trauma, gender dysphoria and jerkin' it

Rundown

As always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 – that’s what I cover – after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. For this week, we bid adieu to quite a few hits: Eurovision says au revoir as both “Espresso Macchiato” by Tommy Cash and “Baller” by Abor & Tynna leave, as do “twilight zone” by Ariana Grande, “Feel It” by d4vd, “Abracadabra” by Lady Gaga, “Somedays” by Sonny Fodera, Jazzy and D.O.D and finally, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan… again.

As for what fills in those blanks, we do have plenty of new songs, but also returning tracks like “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid at #75, “Illegal” by PinkPantheress at #74 and… “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #63. There are also a scattering of boosts for “All I Ever Wanted” by Rachel Chinouriri at #54 (commendable), “The Glen” by Levi Heron at #37 (barely defendable) and “Can’t Decide” by Locky and the Deans at #13 (questionable). Of course, we would be amiss without mentioning sombr of all people getting a second top 10 with “back to friends” at #9 joining “undressed”. Speaking of…

Our UK Singles Chart top five this week consists of “Family Matters” by Skye Newman at #5, “undressed” by sombr at #4, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #3, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at the very top. That felt like a uniquely short rundown, mostly because the new entries are the primary stories this week, so let’s dive into them.

New Entries

#73 – “Zombie” – YUNGBLUD

Produced by Matt Schwartz

YUNGBLUD – Dominic Harrison – is a singer from Yorkshire who is essentially the British inductee into the weird commercial pop punk revival led by Travis Barker and mgk, though typically less successful given his highest-charting song is a KSI feature. Thanks to a video with famous actress Florence Pugh, YUNGBLUD’s single for his upcoming album Idols has landed on the chart and it’s pretty far separated from his punk efforts, being a ballad backed by the London Philharmonic Orchestra about the feeling of ugliness – not necessarily appearing unattractive but the idea of deteriorating and shutting yourself away from your loved ones to not be a burden. Mr. Harrison explained that the song was initially influenced by his grandmother, whose serious injury left her a different person than she was before, presumably unable to live how she had been doing, tying into the themes of deteriorating, aging and just wanting some level of comfort for the future. “Zombie” is a post-Britpop throwback with a simple mix of acoustic and electric guita riffs, an admittedly full-sounding mix thanks mostly due to the strings and a performance from YUNGBLUD that is hit-and-miss. I have always personally found his voice obnoxious but he does his best to keep into a less nasal, more low-key register for the verses, going more full force into his typical delivery for the chorus, which together with repetitive lyrics, becomes quite difficult for me to enjoy. It is a shame too, since I enjoy the lyrical content. The main conceit of feeling like a zombie is interesting and the slow burn of the ridged instrumentation that keeps just consistent enough to feel slightly dreary is a pretty excellent way of building in that dread, especially with the significantly loud crashes. I even like a lot of the vocal melodies, it is a good song on paper and I would probably enjoy it with a different vocalist, which is more than I’ve been able to say for other YUNGBLUD songs so that is something. I would honestly love Grant Nicholas of Feeder to sing this – the song it immediately reminded me of was their 1999 hit “Yesterday Went Too Soon” and given their duller new material, Feeder would benefit from a memorably written song like this, especially given that the lyrics might hit even harder – potentially with more, somewhat meta layers – from an older legacy act. Being as personal as it is to YUNGBLUD, however, cutting it himself was probably the best choice and even if I don’t like track, I hope it is a hit for him. He may make music I find mostly terrible but he seems like a nice enough guy and I’ll always wish success by default for the artists who appear on the charts unless they have a damn good reason for me not to endorse them. Selling your art is hard.

#68 – “Back it Up” – Josh Baker and Omar+

Produced by Josh Baker and Aaron Dhadra

Okay, I’ll bite: who the Hell are Josh Baker and Omar+? Well, Baker is a DJ from Manchester whilst Omar+ (pronounced “Omar Plus”) is from London, describing his music as “R&B for the Ravers”. Given how connected R&B has always been with UK garage music, it could seem a bit redundant but artists like PinkPantheress have found much success in fusing more typical pop structures and aesthetics with UK-based EDM genres recently, so maybe he means something in that vein. Only way to find out is to listen to the breakout single “Back it Up”. Originally released in March under indie label Three Six Zero Recordings and Baker’s own imprint Baker’s Dozen, this is a garage house track but with not much in the way of exciting back-and-forth build-up outside of brief risers integrated into the beat (both white noise and flashy, cheesy synth effects) that hardly distract from the chill pads and great bass synth groove. I suppose that’s the “R&B” – outside of Omar’s vocals frankly not worth noting – the relaxed, consistent vibe that isn’t built entirely on drops, even if they are there. Hell, the extended build with the slow strings and spare kicks that leads into the only real major drop of the song might actually be what makes the track, especially with Omar’s feathery vocal played without any accompaniment before being driven back into the beat. The looped “back it up” vocal sample adds a lot of affectionately corny flavour, alongside wavey electro synths at the back-end, that make this almost like a late-80s house cut but with a mostly 2010s approach to the sound design. It’s not exactly a momentous track, but it’s a very easy listen with a sound different enough from mainstream house cuts to be worth a listen (but very much finding common ground with ongoing trends in stutter house and Afro-house). An extended mix came this April, but May saw two other DJs have their hand in the track: MK’s dub mix has a unique vocal chop and emphasis on droning 80s synths and more present percussion, whilst James Poole completely reworks the track into a dark, bassy haunt that I might actually prefer on a sonical level. Either mix you take, it’ll be a nice listen.

#64 – “Easy Lover” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Miley Cyrus, Michael Pollack, Jonathan Rado and Shawn Everett

Miley Cyrus’ visual album Something Beautiful has been met with a #3 debut on the albums chart and mixed critical reviews but fan adoration out of the gate, with this dreamier pivot being her most appreciated album by music fans (not necessarily just her fans) yet. I’ve yet to hear the album – it seems ambitious and unique, but I was not interested in lead single “End of the World” and this one doesn’t spark much intrigue either, unfortunately. Unlike the Philip Bailey and Phil Collins cut it shares a title with, and thankfully does not interpolate, the track is about someone who decidedly isn’t an easy lover. With smooth keys and an admittedly nice and smoky bassline and vocal chant, it echoes a cowboy aesthetic whilst not including many country elements in an otherwise typical 80s pop rock throwback, just with a little more dirt and funk peppered in, that the strings somewhat detract from. I think their inclusion in this mix is pretty weird at times, especially in the chorus, where they sound cheap and like they’re constantly phased in and out – maybe this was a thematic choice given that the song’s about a lover hard to leave but painful to love, but it doesn’t work well for me, especially without a stronger hook and so much empty space in some areas, even if Ms. Cyrus does her best to fill them with echoes and ad-libs (one of which indicates this was once intended as a reference track for Beyoncé’s COWBOY CARTER). I really don’t like how her raspy vocals are laid down here, they feel a bit lost, sounding like they were recorded on a remarkably different track, especially with the mix that muddies pretty much everything but especially sticks out for her vocals (and an underlying vocal loop that is occasionally just distracting). The song is ultimately fine – the lyrics are serviceable, the vocal performance itself would have been good before it was placed in the project file, and the separate instrumental elements aren’t dead on arrival. It just piles up into a song that is, to me at least, not interesting enough to justify a flatter sound. I know I’m definitely going against popular opinion here, but I don’t think this strikes me as reason to check out that latest album, or that it’d be any different from her mediocre Endless Summer Vacation output. Sorry.

#62 – “Man of the Year” – Lorde

Produced by Lorde and Jim-E Stack

I am very excited for Lorde’s Virgin. I have seen some scepticism regarding the authenticity and publicity surrounding the album, with some comments they made in the press regarding Pamela Anderson’s sex tape doing them any favours, and sure: they’re not exactly being subtle or clever, but “Man of the Year” serves in part as an explanation to why. As an exploration of masculine elements of Lorde’s identity, the single is largely about freedom – a freedom to be unproductive and careless. In their recent interview with Rolling Stone, Lorde touched upon having been an intense lover who gives their all into relationships, with this new song celebrating several forms of self-love, though none of them all too peaceful or delicate. Compare 2017’s “Hard Feelings” – “I light all the candles, cut flowers for all my rooms / I care for myself the way I used to care about you” – with the second verse here, a reckless, masculine equivalent: “Now I go about my day, riding it like a wave / Playing it any way I want – swish mouthwash, jerk off”. This new self-love, including their experience with psychedelics and cycling around New York, is even destructive of their previous, more conventional and idealised connection to femininity, becoming unrecognisable from how they used to appear. The name itself was sparked by their attendance at GQ’s “Man of the Year” ceremony in 2023, wherein they ironically wore a dress that they felt was totally at odds with their then-ongoing detachment from femininity, with the song first drafted the day after. Despite that destructive, careless element, the tone is celebratory, much like an award ceremony, as Lorde can finally see the “Man of the Year” appear in the mirror.

“Man of the Year” is a very minimal, dead-eyed semi-ballad for much of its runtime with Jim-E Stack’s subtle, grey guitars sounding as cold as the bare video set for the song’s accompanying visuals. I love how the scratchy acoustic slide and looming metallic synth right before the more staccato, double-tracked delivery of the almost unfinished-sounding second verse, that concludes with some scattered, quiet mouth sounds instead of flowing at all into the chorus (a thematically appropriate detail). Lorde’s own performance is unfocused, with the feathery high register of “now I’m broken open” in the empty first chorus transforming into a similar but more distorted, half-yell over overwhelming synth bass in the second. After building the chrome ball Lorde lays inside, Stack and co. demolish it with a stop-and-start industrial crash at the climax full of drums that sound exhausted and wiry synths that are suffocating, embodying the constrictions of feminine identity that are bursting at the seams. If I have any problems with the track, they’re tiny nitpicks: I would make the drums louder, some of the first verse is hard to slurry and hard to make out. I adore this second single and I’m very much intrigued for the mess that Virgin will be – I really wouldn’t be surprised if this album confuses critics by being torn in two different directions, I’m just hoping it lives up to these first two singles.

#46 – “Cops & Robbers” – Sammy Virji and Skepta

Produced by Sammy Virji

To pile onto the ongoing bassline revival in the UK mainstream, we have English DJ Sammy Virji, who’s been active since at least 2015 and charted below the top 75 last year with “If U Need It”, but a feature from UK rap legend Skepta definitely helped with this new single “Cops & Robbers”, which seems to just be plucked straight from my imagination because this is the most obvious way to make something I like. We’ve got a pitched-up female R&B vocal sample under bassy UK garage production and a simple string loop both commanding the track and twirling off in one measure, that gets chopped into a menacing fervour for the verses, creating a nice back-and-forth between them and the chorus that lets loose a little more. Skepta plays with this effortlessly too, going from a smooth hyped-up delivery that emulates a classic garage MJ and has an incredibly playful rhyme scheme on the second half to a tenser, staccato and seemingly Auto-Tuned murmur. Despite Virji’s history in bassline, this deviates from that sound extensively, with the track not led by a warping bass but the recurring aforementioned back-and-forth structure of the strings (with some slick keys accompaniment), Skepta’s constant energy and the vocal sample straight from Brandy Norwood’s debut “I Wanna Be Down”, which peaked at #36 in 1995 whilst Robson & Jerome were #1. According to a press release from Trench, the track also samples Kid Cudi’s “Day ‘n’ Nite” but I think if anything it’s a looser interpolation of the synths since I didn’t catch on anything directly and none of those songs’ writers are even credited as writers so nothing’s official anyway. What I did notice was KSI wordplay that Skepta tried to sneak in. You’re not that slick, Skeppy… though subtlety’s never exactly been the man’s specialty.

#28 – “Nice to Each Other” – Olivia Dean

Produced by Zach Nahome

Bridget Jones broke the gates wide open for English R&B singer Olivia Dean, whose mild success with soundtrack cut “It Isn’t Perfect but it Might Be” (also produced by Mr. Nahome) has laid the carpet for a follow-up hit presumably connected to her next album, The Art of Loving. This song feels very much on a similar emotive note to her last hit, with the song being quite literal in its meaning about being nice to each other: a light, acoustic guitar-led pop bop about enjoying each other’s time in the present day and not thinking about the past or future, just enjoying the time spent. That is, however, with a backdrop of a rougher relationship that is hinted at by some lyrics about them being wrong for each other and having fought, with a pretty bleak reference in the verses to crashing his car and the chorus operating on the message of: expressing lovey-dovey platitudes (the “classic stuff”) doesn’t actually fix those relationships, but showing that love, slowly developing a relationship, does help. Dean even references water and sunlight, quite literally growing a connection, to take the relationship back to the root of things: mutual enjoyment of each other’s company. It’s a real sweet, light song with great backing harmonies and a series of catchy refrains – I can imagine this being inescapable soon enough.

#27 – “Fame is a Gun” – Addison Rae

Produced by Luka Kloser and Elvira Anderfjärd

The latest single from Addison Rae’s full-length Addison is here, and so is the album, released the day of writing. Over the past few singles, she’s been having very gradual moments of interest to me, and thankfully, she’s finally leapt all the way to making a song I really like. Ms. Rae, or at least the character she assumes in the track, is confident and cocky about the impact of her fame here but not without a trembling anxiety about it all: fame can be as powerful as a gun but it also involves plenty of shots, mostly in the dark, in regards to how the public will feel about every move she makes, a lot of which is publicised and could swing or miss dramatically. Fittingly, the song sounds like it’s straight out of Perez Hilton’s blog with the trancey synth pads and heavily Auto-Tuned vocals that digitalise and dehumanise her higher register significantly, not dissimilar to Britney Spears from that late 2000s time period. Kloser and Elvira do add significant modernising touches to the electropop sound, however, namely in not making it a buzzy club fest, replacing the more gratuitous synths with airier sounds and stray 80s synth jingles alongside stuttering vocals both leading into and tailing off the chorus. I do think this leads to the song at times sounding a bit rawer and emptier than it should for a song with this content or especially the heavily-affected vocals, but that in itself is a great way of stripping the luxury away from the “glamorous life” she’s supposedly enjoying, with the final chorus and the looming synth in the back adding some sinister edge, indicating a darker side to that life that I can only assume is explored further on the album tracks. Hell, I’d like the song to go further with that, start slowing down gradually like a toy running out of battery, but as it is, I’m still (surprisingly) very much on board – great song.

#6 – “Just Keep Watching” (from F1 the Movie) – Tate McRae

Produced by Ryan Tedder and Tyler Spry

I have no idea what this has to do with cars, but what’s more important for the remit of this blog is that it’s a new soundtrack single from Ms. McRae, who is cementing her spot as a major pop girl by debuting a random throwaway for a movie straight into the top 10. With main collaborator Tedder once again at the helm, “Just Keep Watching” is the culmination of many demos and unfinished tracks eventually evolving into this one, which is at least somewhat more interesting than her earlier work considering the distorted vocal that leads it off and the clattering Afrobeats rhythm bouncing off a dark, looming synth that, alongside a screechy vocal chop, made me see the appeal in a Tate McRae that is more willing to drift further into odd, futuristic soundscapes – sadly a Tate McRae that doesn’t yet exist, but this is a good first step. Tyla was apparently originally intended to feature on the song, with her version leaking, but this version is busy enough, especially in that final chorus that may end abruptly and barely but is mostly an inhuman concoction of elements that all vaguely function as percussion. I don’t think the song is particularly good – Tate’s vocals aren’t impressive when they’re not borderline alien, the lyrics are underwritten and the hook is weak enough to go in one ear, out the other (I’m honestly surprised it landed this high a debut) – but there is something special to it that could be explored, not dissimilar to what I saw in “Revolving door” from her album earlier this year. For someone who has never really been convinced by McRae, often finding her music very uninspired, that is promising.

Conclusion

This was actually a pretty great week in terms of our new arrivals being consistently of quality or at least okay, which is a fantastic end result considering how the new tracks are the only thing going on in this week’s chart – it’s otherwise all quite, ahem, ordinary. Best of the Week goes to Lorde for “Man of the Year” – it wasn’t particularly close – but our tied Honourable Mentions, “Cops & Robbers” by Sammy Virji and Skepta as well as “Fame is a Gun” by Addison Rae, are definitely worth checking out. I suppose Worst of the Week will be “Easy Lover” by Miley Cyrus, though the song is far from bad. For what we should expect next time, Ed Sheeran and Sabrina Carpenter are likely to compete for #1. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 31/05/2025 (Alex Warren, Jelly Roll, Max Dean, Luke Dean, Locky, mgk, Myles Smith)

For an 11th week straight, Alex Warren straddles the top of the UK Singles Chart with “Ordinary”. Welcome back to the “fruit-flavoured” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: brief discussion of generational trauma

Rundown

As always, we start our episode with the notable dropouts, those being songs that exited the UK Top 75 (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to: “What the Hell Just Happened?” by Remember Monday, “Caramel” by Sleep Token, “MUTT” by Leon Thomas (with a remix assist from Chris Brown) and “Running Around” by Ely Oaks featuring vocals from AMANZI.

Naturally, we see the fallout of our last week, which was very eventful with geopolitical catastrophes like Eurovision and Morgan Wallen, so we have plenty of returns, namely “Bluest Flame” by Selena Gomez and benny blanco at #73, “PASSO BEM SOLTO” by ATLXS at #72, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan at #71, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls at #68, as well as gains for songs new and old (mostly old): “Feel It” by d4vd at #66, “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri at #64, “Mr. Brightside” by the Killers at #61, “Too Sweet” by Hozier at #60, “A Bar Song (Tipsy)” by Shaboozey at #54, “Sailor Song” by Gigi Perez at #53, “Don’t Wake Me Up” by James Hype at #52, “No Bad Vibes” by KILIMANJARO and Jazzy at #50, “The Glen” by Levi Heron at #47, “Taste” by Sabrina Carpenter at #46, “Stargazing” by Myles Smith at #42 and “Die with a Smile” by Lady Gaga and Bruno Mars at #37.

As for our top five on the UK Singles Chart, we have the usual suspects: “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey at #5, “undressed” by sombr at #4, “Show Me Love” by Ravyn Lenae at #3, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at the top though it’s not the last we’ll hear from him this week.

New Entries

#69 – “Leave Me Alone” – Reneé Rapp

Produced by Omer Fedi, Julian Bunetta and Alexander 23

I’m not entirely sure where Reneé Rapp’s priorities fall: pop stardom or celebrity actress. Of course, you can do both – many have – but her career seems oddly stunted in both right now when she has the personality to do a lot better. I did enjoy her a lot in the Mean Girls musical movie from last year, though she must have done something wrong as she lost “Best Villain” in the Nickelodeon Kids’ Choice Awards. Judas! “Who to?” I hear you ask. King Bowser. Okay, maybe that was a valid pick. How’s the new single? Well, it’s not what I expected, but probably what I should have been expecting from the star of Mean Girls: a percussive new rave track with a great full guitar fuzz and bratty, cheerleader-type lyrics about making sure her lipstick colour lines up with her nipples. It’s a little less P!nk than it is Kesha, whose delivery you can really hear as an influence particularly in that second verse, the stuttering chorus and some of the meta lines about management calling up for a single and her ignoring them (I suppose that answers my opening confusion). There’s not much to this song considering just how repetitive and basic it is, but the youthful energy and content that fits perfectly into the gossip corners of 2006 is sold as authentically as it could be, especially with that cute synth twirl in the final chorus that they totally would have added during this time. Hell, it’s almost too accurate to the point where I wonder if she brings anything new to this sound other than her own personality, which always echoed this kind of image anyway. She stated to Zane Lowe that she thought this song was not great until she started listening to pop music – namely “APT.” by ROSÉ and Bruno Mars, which shares a lot of DNA with this track – and decided this song would be worthy of a single release, though I think marketing plays into that too. The song is bold, for better or for worse, and that’s important for a pop star still trying to figure out the image they want to sell – I’m curious to if the album will go down this style of sound even more. For now, I do like the song but it is pretty flagrantly one-dimensional and will wear off with time, I somewhat doubt it ends up a hit but I’m usually wrong about that.

#63 – “Over You” – Nathan Dawe and Shayan

Produced by Nathan Dawe, Bobby Harvey and Punctual

English DJ Nathan Dawe is back again – in fact, much of this week consists of familiar faces just going on as usual. This time, he’s brought Shayan with him, a singer from London who is supposedly known for “creating” the hit song “Glad U Came”, according to her Spotify bio. That song is performed by Liilz and ZieZie, produced by Fangio and written by the writers of its sample, The Wanted’s “Glad You Came” – none of the three are Shayan. This becomes especially suspect when you consider the bio credits her with simply “creating” the track (even though most of the work was already done by The Wanted and Steve Mac a decade prior) – the real answer here is that she either re-sung “Glad You Came” or chopped up the vocals of whoever re-sung “Glad You Came” for the instrumental, with her posting on Instagram that she is responsible for the “cheeky vocal chop”. I suppose backing vocals aren’t as impressive as having worked to “create” the song, right? Given her bio then claims that Paul Woodford and LF SYSTEM “feature” on a Shayan track that she is actually the feature on, then states that said track was named the “Hottest Record” not just by BBC Radio 1, but by Capital Radio (who only give an award by that name out once a year) and Kiss FM (who don’t have a “hottest record” title at all really), whilst repeating the buzz phrases “vocal versatility” and “pen game”, I have to assume this was AI-written and hence contains slight hallucinations as well as just generally sounding like a robot. If it’s not, then I stand corrected, and instead, I come to the conclusion that Shayan and her team lied on their CV (who hasn’t?). No, I have not contacted her representatives for comment. “Over You” is a completely serviceable house jam with some admittedly really nice keys and breaks in the pre-chorus, but a completely forgettable vocal from Shayan (Abi Flynn of Dawe’s “Here in Your Arms” co-wrote this and I don’t think I would notice much of a difference if it was her). There’s a typical pump-up piano house chorus that leaves little to be even discussed. I definitely think there is a higher level of detail here than other similar songs thanks to the moments I pointed out and I think the mix is great, but without a really strong hook or a distinct drop, it just finds itself in the slosh of DJ-led dance-pop we get every week. It could grow on me in the future though, it seems like that kind of song.

#32 – “Gold” – Myles Smith

Produced by Peter Fenn

Myles Smith is back and he is stomping and clapping as usual. “Gold” is the newest from the folk-pop fellow and it’s pretty sickly with its fake claps and summery, acoustic guitars as well as a “whoa-oh-oh” hook in the verse that will be in my head for longer than I want it to be. I’m personally just glad that Mr. Smith has finally released a song with a bit of personality – the pre-chorus has him talk-singing a bit of a chant about not wanting to fall in love but seeing this girl and just being astounded. It’s a cute addition or at least would be if it didn’t sound like he actually hated doing that, it’s delivered quite blankly and unsure of himself compared to the rest of the song. A similar moment happens with a spoken interlude as the second verse ends, with studio chatter – allegedly – of Smith saying it would be cool if the song stopped and came back in. There’s even an acoustic outro with the guys in the studio singing the chorus and Smith laughing a bit. Is this potentially orchestrated to make me feel like a guy who otherwise personifies focus groups has a personality? Very likely, but it is still refreshing compared to a sea of Myles Smith songs that haven’t been injected with the soul or passion this one at least tries to go for, especially with it being a pretty simple lovestruck track that needed a bit of sprucing up to be interesting. Alas, despite his… worst efforts, the song is still not interesting but really inoffensive and probably the best I’ve heard from him so far: no embarrassing or confusing lyrics, the production isn’t as blocky and compressed, and there is some sense of Pinocchio being a real boy in this one.

#31 – “cliché” – mgk

Produced by mgk, SlimXX, BazeXX, Nick Long and No Love for the Middle Child

I was listening to this song, kind of enjoying the energy and catchiness of it, then in the second verse, the artist* formerly known as Machine Gun Kelly delivered the most deadpan, fed-up “uhh-uhh” I’ve ever heard… and I listen to plenty of cloud rap and plugg so lazy, melodic murmuring is nothing new to me. The specific delivery of this space-filling non-lyric, tacked in between the verse and pre-chorus, really confirmed the idea I had going into a new mgk single: this guy is not really trying about anything he tries to do anymore. I fully believe he loves rap and punk music, and genuinely made attempts to be respected in those genres, but was fairly maligned for brash lyrics, mediocre albums and iffy genre-mixing. Like Logic, he seems jaded about that Internet hate and is just doing whatever he thinks could be a money-maker with less passion, whilst half-acknowledging the notoriety in a tongue-in-cheek-but-hands-in-ears kind of way. I’m not saying mgk has a Confessions of a Dangerous Mind in him, mostly because his discography has always been as obnoxious as that album, but playing too hard into the image he caught himself in has just made him seem sad and pathetic. At least with uptempo pop rock tracks, he can play it off as just having fun, but the song is called “cliché” because it knows what it is, the same way his EP with Trippie Redd, genre : sadboy, was titled that because it knows what realm it serves. He seems so astutely aware of his limitations yet completely unable to escape them. I would feel bad, I really would, but it’s mgk. The song is very catchy and isn’t trying to be in the least “punk” (no Travis Barker to be found), so I’ll let this one off, but anything this guy does post-“RAP DEVIL” and pop punk pivot has just reeked of a man who is frustrated that he doesn’t know what everyone wants from him, when the real answer might be that people don’t think about it too hard and just want catchy tunes. With “cliché”, he shut up, took the simple route and wrote an infectious track, but it sounds dead. He sounds dead.

#19 – “Can’t Decide” – Max Dean, Luke Dean and Locky

Produced by Max Dean, Luke Dean, Locky and Mark Ralph

This is a real “HUH and WhoNow featuring whatsername” moment, a full trio of people whom I will deem worthy of this opening question: okay, I’ll bite, who the Hell are Locky and the Deans? And are they related? Well, Max Dean is a DJ and producer from London who also serves as the boss for the label NeXup (the logo of which is on this single’s cover art), though this track was re-released by Warner. He and his cousin Luke share very similarly-written Spotify bios – I’m imagining that the old habit of copying your cousin’s homework in school and changing up a few words to sound like your own dies hard. The two have teamed up with Locky for two tracks in the past month, the first being the driving electro banger “Curveball” which is incredibly fun but didn’t chart. Instead, we have the later track “Can’t Decide”, released just last week and already ending up in the top 20 despite these artists being relatively unknown. The song heavily samples “2 Much”, a smooth R&B track from last year by singer Qendresa, mashing it up with the alt-rap group The Pharcyde’s pitched-up hook from “Citrus Nioxide” earlier this month (or at least using the same sample). It’s definitely an interesting choice and a blend you not expect in a UK top 20 house track, but isn’t that far off from, say, PAWSA who sampled Nate Dogg and placed him over a very bassy, minimal house track. This is quite similar, with a lowkey tech house groove, some watery – borderline slimey – bass synths and vocal chops from both Qendresa and The Pharcyde, sometimes playing together but mostly in separate sections. It is actually an interesting structure to place these two entirely unrelated tracks against each other over a new instrumental, and while there’s not much to it (partly as a result of that, partly just because the track does not have many elements at all), that simplicity is what makes the song stand out. I like how a different part of the Qendresa sample is brought in for an airier bridge, I even think the two samples work together thematically, with the carefree Pharcyde hook being the exact kind of dismissive response you’d expect Qendresa to get from the guy she originally sang about on “2 Much”. I’m honestly a tad surprised by how much I enjoyed this, even if I’m more into the idea than its actual execution.

#9 – “Bloodline” – Alex Warren and Jelly Roll

Produced by Adam Yaron

Jelly Roll once threatened to leave X (Twitter) because it was an unhealthy, toxic platform. He was correct, though I believe he is still active on there and has an insane history of Xeets for you to go down if that rabbit hole is your thing. Ever since then, I’ve been saying “X just isn’t X without Jelly Roll”, and that’s true for not just Nazi porn-ridden Hell apps but also society as a whole. Where would we be without white rapper turned country rock singer Jelly Roll? Jokes aside, the man has a good voice and has been wildly successful in the US for the past couple years, thanks in part to his willingness to just show up on basically anything with everyone. This collab is perfectly in line with the two, however, as Warren has a massive, pretty Christian rock hit right now and Jelly Roll himself had a fairly recent return to faith. It is not yet known if that renewed devotion to his Christian faith has anything to do with his contribution to the soundtrack of Sonic the Hedgehog 3. As for their new track together, it’s basically following the same vein as his tracks with Shaboozey and Brandon Lake from the past couple months, where Jelly Roll is a distinct voice but basically just there for the sake of being there. This is a very typical acoustic guitar rollick from Mr. Warren, but focuses lyrically on a kind of generational trauma that may not fit the upbeat motivational anthem – I do understand what it’s going for, though. It’s fair to have an approach to this kind of content that isn’t purely cynical and looks forward to making something different and successful for yourself, with this song even being directed towards a “brother” (who really could be anyone, but the familial term used here makes sense) who shouldn’t be bogged-down by the failures of the family before him. I actually like the message, it’s somewhat surprising to hear that sentiment from Alex Warren in this genre, though redemption is a constant theme in Jelly Roll’s work. Sadly, it’s lacking in detail or a climactic bridge – there is a bridge, but a short, malformed one seemingly only there to push a reference to God – and its chorus isn’t exactly as sticky or dramatic as it could be. Instead, it’s in the very chirpy brand of stomp-clap that barely ever resonates with me, it’s just too sugary. At least Jelly Roll has a top 10 now, that tickles me.

Conclusion

Well, not much of interest to really sift through here. Worst of the Week goes to “Gold” by Myles Smith but even that’s a marked improvement. I’ll give Best of the Week to Reneé Rapp for “Leave Me Alone” but it was really a toss-up between that and the Honourable Mention, “Can’t Decide” by Locky and the Deans (which is what I shall be calling them from now on). As for what’s on the horizon, the pop girls are out in full force with Addison Rae, Miley Cyrus, Tate McRae, Lorde and erm, KSI, so that could be an exciting change of pace from this dryer week. For now, thank you reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: EUROVISION SPECIAL 2025 (24/05/2025) - also feat. Morgan Wallen's I'm the Problem, Skye Newman, Lola Young & more

Ladies, gentlemen, the rest, welcome to the Eurovision Song Contest grand finale 2025. I’m your host, Cactus, coming live from… well, Birmingham, and I’m also the only judge. On the UK Singles Chart, “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey is at #5, “undressed” by sombr is at #4, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan is at #3, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae is at #2 and Alex Warren spends a 10th week straight at #1 with “Ordinary”. Welcome to this “multinational” episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

content warning: language, discussions of family trauma, sex, substance abuse, Italian stereotyping, Morgan Wallen and the Smurfs

EUROVISION

As always, the international song contest, wherein most of Europe plus Australia and Israel are engaged in a unique, mysterious form of audiovisual combat known as “singing and dancing one after the other”, has impacted the UK Singles Chart, and as I’ve done before, I’m switching the format up a tad to make sure the songs are approached in the same section and more appropriately for their role in the charts – much like in the contest, they represent their country and leave. We have five songs from the contest’s grand finale, which took place in the Swiss city of Basel last Saturday the 17th, debuting on this week’s chart. This does not include my personal favourite – Greece – nor any of my least favourites – Armenia – but in general, the songs this year were of a higher quality than usual yet mostly did not strike me as all that interesting or unusual. Probably because of how generally above average the songs were, nothing of outstanding quality really stood out amongst the rest, and thankfully, nothing astonishingly bad either though there were some distinct choices lyrically and with set design that raised a couple eyebrows. I don’t review television though, so onto our set of five countries representing their nation in this week’s chart, as we humorously start with the person who won the whole thing.

#53 – “Wasted Love” – JJ

REPRESENTING: Austria (1st)

Representing Austria, hailing from the capital Vienna, we have Johannes Pietsch, or JJ, reigning over the competition with his debut single! Spending most of his childhood in Dubai, JJ is of Filipino descent, a first for a Eurovision winner, and already has carved out a distinct style mixing pop with opera. He first appeared on British screens in 2020, where he auditioned for The Voice UK and was coached by none other than will.i.am, though one can assume that he didn’t press his buzzer on accident while drawing on it for JJ. “Wasted Love” is entirely in English, written by JJ, co-producer Thomas Thurner and Teya, who represented Austria in 2023 with “Who the Hell is Edgar?”, which peaked at #48 and sounds like what I say when an unknown artist charts. Pele Loriano and Wojciech Kostrzewa joined for the production here with Thurner and it turned out fine enough. I’m glad JJ won for obvious reasons but I’m not a big fan of his voice, whether in his cooing over the lighter pianos or his high operatic belt, a vocal style I rarely enjoy outside of backing vocals to be honest. The lyrics are pretty straightforward in their unrequited love, the drums that come in the second verse are the kind you’d hear in a trailer for a fantasy epic, it’s just a tad too melodramatic to really work for me – I understand the frustration of wasting your time and effort on a relationship, but I’m not convinced that needs an overlong cinematic intro. I also understand why the juries favoured it – the drop into hardcore kicks is pretty satisfying and he’s clearly a talented singer – but it’s personally not for me at all. He seems like a principled, nice enough guy though, which is better than the alternative this year. A certain douze points receiver is absent from the chart and currently under investigation, so I’m glad we got a seemingly legitimate winner chart here, even if I more respect the song than actually enjoy it.

#48 – “Bara Badu Bastu” – KAJ

REPRESENTING: Sweden (4th)

Representing Sweden but hailing from Vörå, a Swedish-speaking town in western Finland, we have Kevin, Axel and Jacob, or KAJ for short, or if you follow their comedy sketches: Big Kev, Mr. International and Schakob. The trio met when they attended school and have been active since 2009, with this song representing Finland more aptly than Sweden, in line with the bizarre Finnish entries of the past two years and representing how Swedes view Finnish culture. Performed in their local Ostrobothnian dialect of Swedish (and partly in Finnish), “Bara Badu Bastu” was written by KAJ alongside Robert Skowronski and producers Kristofer Strandberg and Anderz Wrethov, who has previously written Eurovision entries for Sweden, Cyprus and Azerbaijan. Wrethov has notably charted before as a songwriter, not just with Cypriot runner-up Eleni Foureira’s “Fuego” in 2018 (it peaked at #64), but with the infamous Swedish slice of Eurodance novelty cheese, “Ding Dong Song” – which you may recognise as “ooh, you touched my tra-la-la” – by Günther, which peaked at #14 in 2004, with no relation to Eurovision at all. Just pure unadulterated “talent”. I suppose KAJ picked the right guy for their comedy song then. “Bara Badu Bastu” is an epadunk song, a style of crude, humorous EDM that has been a bit of a meme in Sweden this decade thanks to a viral association with a certain kind of tractor the youth like driving around. That does feel very European to have a youth-oriented tractor meme becoming a viral chart-topping electropop sensation. As much as the specific cultural jokes are somewhat lost on me (I’m from Northamptonshire, we don’t have culture), Schakob is a delightful presence as are the accordions, even if the cinematic swooshing you hear in a lot of Eurovision songs is here in a slightly unfitting full force. The accordion breakdowns in the post-chorus over what I can only describe as a DJ Mustard type beat are pretty fun, the little accordion fills are cute, the bridge is a bit overdone, but it’s difficult to get no enjoyment out of something this silly and lighthearted. It’s a song about saunas with a key change, I’m honestly surprised it didn’t go even further than fourth place. It was the bookies’ favourite after all, though part of that could be heavier than usual coverage from the UK, with newsreaders predicting they would be the new ABBA or something ridiculous like that. I think Eurovision group secretly wants to be the new ABBA, or at least the new Buck Fizz, but it’s difficult to discern how these jokesters fit into that mould. They probably broke some new ground even – what other #1 hit is about saunas? And no, I’m not accepting Nelly’s “Hot in Herre” as an acceptable answer.

#40 – “Espresso Macchiato” – Tommy Cash

REPRESENTING: Italy Estonia (3rd)

Representing Estonia, hailing from a Russian-speaking family in the capital of Tallinn, we have rapper Tomas Tammemets, better known as Tommy Cash. Active since 2012, Mr. Cash was one of two Eurovision final entrants this year that I knew of prior (the other being San Marino’s Gabry Ponte), though I’m not incredibly familiar, mainly just recognising him as the guy whose verses I skip on Charli xcx albums. The self-declared “Kanye East” has a distinct surreal, satirical and often vulgar style that has him often join forces with hyperpop acts like A.G. Cook and 100 gecs, but in his Eurovision song, he takes aim not at his Eastern European culture but at Italians. Described by Luca Arnaù of Italian news outlet LaC News 24 as “an ode to the Italian caricature, seasoned with a text that seems to have come out of a Google Translate on acid”, which is a better description than I could have ever come up with, Cash’s song proved a tad controversial in Italy because it parodies Italian culture, though in a way that clearly spins the mirror onto Cash as someone who is painfully ignorant and performing a gross, stereotyped version of Italian identity. A mix of broken Italian, English and even Spanglish, the song is written and produced by Cash with Johannes Naukkarinen. It’s Naukkarinen’s second time being behind the boards for a successful Eurovision track, as “Kiro” (as he’s better known) also co-wrote Finnish runner-up Käärijä’s “Cha Cha Cha” in 2023 (it peaked at #6 in the UK). Honestly, despite “Espresso Macchiato” standing out as one of the outright novelty songs in the contest this year, it might be my second favourite. Its delightfully silly chorus drowns Cash in Auto-Tune over the acoustic guitar and cinematic strings, with all the epic trailer sound effects you’d expect from the contest but definitely with a camp, parodic approach (the song is about a busy, wealthy and out-of-touch lifestyle, the flashiness fits right in), particularly when it splashes into Eurodance not too far from old Günther. What I like most about the song, though, may be its verses, where the production takes a somewhat Cocktail Nation approach with great keys and horns, infectious claps and Cash using an almost Boratic character trying to motivate you with coffee, using a deadpan sing-songy delivery reminiscent of his prior collaborator bbno$. He sings “Life is like spaghetti, it’s hard until you make it” in the second pre-chorus, it’s hard to dislike. Hell, there’s even a trap-infused remix with Italian rapper Tony Effe so no hard feelings between the two nations, right? To quote a pioneer of Britain’s recent history of catastrophic losers, peace in our time?

#34 – “Baller” – Abor & Tynna

REPRESENTING: Germany (15th)

Representing Germany but hailing from Vienna, brother-and-sister duo Abor & Tynna come from a Hungarian family of artists and had been classically trained in flute and cello in their childhood. Active professionally since 2016, the duo turned down being Austria’s entrant in 2020 because of their inexperience but came back swinging for a… 15th placement (our two highest Euro-debuts did not actually do that well in the competition itself). This electropop song has a Hungarian version that turns it into an acoustic ballad (that’s Hungary for you, I guess – given their government, I understand why you wouldn’t want to lighten up), but the version sent to Eurovision is in German and written by Abor & Tynna (not their real names) alongside producer Alexander Hauer. The title here does not refer to Dipset’s Jim Jones but rather translates to “Shoot” or “Pop”, with the chorus roughly summed up as “shoot for the stars”, as Tynna responds to a breakup by drawing a clear line between her and her ex and just living her life indulgently without him. The very typically Eurovision genre mixture here has some trancey synths, Charli xcx-esque stuttering vocal delivery, pop punk guitars and airy production which ends up really seamless, not taking the dramatic shifts that plenty of Eurovision songs do, including this year (looking at Cash, JJ and, well, we’ll see another example soon), but that stuttering hook is strong enough to help the song stand on its own – never has an Austrian woman glitching out sounded so catchy. It’s on their most recent album and I’m sure it would fit well, it doesn’t sound as Eurovision-trained as other, more dramatic entrants so I’m not surprised it didn’t catch on, but it’s still a great pop song.

#31 – “What the Hell Just Happened?” – Remember Monday

REPRESENTING: United Kingdom (19th)

Representing the glorious Great Britannia, we have a country pop trio of girls who met at sixth form in Hampshire who got zero points in the televote. Oh, wait, I skipped forward – like JJ, Remember Monday also appeared on The Voice UK, though in 2019, when Jennifer Hudson threw a shoe at them. Member Holly-Anne Hull has been active even longer, having performed for the late Queen in 2006 as part of a youth choir (good ol’ Lizzy was confused to where her shoes went) and being signed to Disney Channel for a brief period thanks to a talent competition before being dropped from her deal as a teenager. Speaking of losing things, not only did the group lose their chance at winning Eurovision (not that it was high to begin with), but Ms. Hull lost her wedding ring at the final. Oh, no! Why is that on BBC News? Jokes aside, the song was written by the trio alongside Julie Aagaard, Kes Kamara, Thomas Stengaard and producers Billen Ted, who you’ll be familiar with if you’ve read this series. They even had a UK #1 with their remix of Nathan Evans’ cover of “Wellerman” with 220 KID so Remember Monday definitely had promise that they sadly didn’t live up to in Basel last weekend. It’s a shame, because this is our best entry in years. We’ve got Beatlesque baroque flutes and harmonies, horns blasting behind massive drums and a sharp twist into 80s synthpop that keeps the song dynamic, mostly led by disorienting drum fills transitioning from piece to piece. The lyrics are just about being a messy woman post-breakup, really quite similar to “Baller”, and aren’t great but also don’t lack in cute details, which is enough to keep some interest in the thematics of a song that mostly overwhelms you with harmonies, driving drums, quieter guitars and overall sounding as “big” as possible. Ironically, it starts with “Someone lost a shoe”. I’m convinced that we purposefully chose a group of losers who have lost, did lose and continue to lose, performing a song about losing, in some sneaky attempt to win. No offense to these ladies, of course, the biggest loss in a group of losers is the person in their room writing about how the loser lost. And at least we’re not San Marino.

Now, all good things must come to an end. Unlike the real show, I’m not crowning a winner and they won’t recite their winning track as a sort of victory lap. Instead, I’ll unceremoniously declare my Best and Worst of the Week at the end of the episode as always, with eight extra competitors soon to be reviewed. Firstly, let’s look at our notable dropouts, those being songs that exited the UK Top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we give nil points to (take a deep breath): “Look to Windward” and “Even in Arcadia” by Sleep Token, “Tonight” by PinkPantheress, “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid, “Bluest Flame” by Selena Gomez and benny blanco, “Girl, so confusing” by that song’s co-writer Charli xcx (with the remix featuring Lorde, of course), “The Giver” by Chappell Roan, “like JENNIE” by who else but JENNIE, “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac and FINALLY, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan.

As far as what fills in those blanks, we have our gains and returns, which is a small smattering of tracks this week thanks to all the chaos entering the chart. Despite everything, we do see small gains for “Beautiful People” by David Guetta and Sia at #60 (possibly thanks to a THEMBA remix), “No Bad Vibes” by Jazzy and KILIMANJARO at #55 (which has a Denon Reed remix as of last month – speaking of the GOAT…), “I need to know” by Denon Reed of Cru2 at #50 (again, thank a remix, this time by Tom Zanetti), “party 4 u” by Charli xcx at #19 (the new music video is probably helping this one out) and “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman at #16 which will make sense eight reviews from now. I’ve already billed you in on the top five, so with no further ado, let’s take a look at the plenty other songs that debuted this week.

New Entries

#75 – “Just in Case” – Morgan Wallen

Produced by Joey Moi and Charlie Handsome

So… Morgan Wallen has a #1 album in the UK. It’s 37 tracks (36 songs and an interlude to be exact), and as you’d expect, it’s full of filler. The Nashville megastar honks his way through some basic and unmemorable country-pop, sometimes bringing in guest stars who disappoint or awkward trap drums and rap flows, only occasionally landing on a catchy hook. We have two debuts from I’m the Problem this week, and they both are far from great. I don’t mind “Just in Case” – he’s clearly taking from R&B in the verse’s vocal melodies but they are decently catchy even if a bit clunky, and this is a surprisingly smooth implementation of hip hop drums, mostly because it barely functions as a country song in the first place. It’s closer to a catchy pop-rap hit by Post Malone than… well, Post Malone’s country album, as Wallen’s twang and some acoustic guitars (closer to Maroon 5 than Eric Church – who is on this album!) are its tightest connections to Nashville. Charlie Handsome, a pop producer Morgan has been working with heavily for this album, is probably behind this, and it’s honestly a bad fit for Morgan, I just wish that he fired Joey Moi because his vocal mix across the entire album is kind of buzzy and distracting. It’s subtle so I feel insane pointing it out, but it’s tuned to a weird extent where it’s not an obvious, artistic use of Auto-Tune but more a clutch that makes him sound slightly robotic, even though country calls for rougher, human vocal performances. Given the 36 full songs on this album, my assumption is that Morgan and his team really like making songs. They like playing guitar, they like singing, they like programming, but after the sessions, which I’m sure produce hundreds of tracks, these songs don’t appear to get developed from their basic necessities. They’re cleaned up the best as possible but it doesn’t sound like Morgan’s crew like re-takes or retooling – every track on the album is like this with the basic structure, empty instrumentals (the outro on this is particularly egregious), barely-there bridge and obvious draft vocal takes. For an album that’s as pop as it is country, I want that fine-tuning and manufacturing – make a Maroon 5 record if you have to, if it means keeping it to a slick, souped-up 13 tracks of undeniable pop hits. The overlong albums are a staple of Wallen’s strategy though – it farms streams and means that fans won’t be sick of the late-album singles when they can pushed by Nashville radio years down the line. They were already track 23 of a bloated playlist of an album. For example, his casual fans probably never heard the terrible “Cowgirls”, track 33 of 36 on 2023’s One Thing at a Time, which let it have a long run the year after as a smash hit single, despite having been out for a year. That carelessness is part of Morgan’s image and appeal: yeah, he can drop a two-hour album with barely-finished tracks. His fans will buy the double-disc, he’ll rack up millions of sales, and when it’s all done and dusted, he has like 20 tracks to pick from for the next single, and meanwhile, the album’s still selling like gangbusters. He can perform at Saturday Night Live, leave during the credits and post that he’s going back to “God’s country”. That’s just the kind of guy he is. That’s just the kind of rug they’re pulling. With that said, after writing all that with the song on loop, I kind of like it now. Damn it, Morgan, you win again. So many times. 37 to be exact.

#72 – “Friend of Mine” (from the Smurfs Movie Soundtrack) – Rihanna

Produced by Jon Bellion, f a l l e n and Pete Nappi

I watched the music video for this song late at night at the behest of people who were discussing it and I was so utterly confused. The Smurfs jerkily dancing slightly off-beat, on what appear to be those cheap green screen backgrounds, to what sounds like a Fred again.. remix of a years-old demo… it’s borderline avant-garde cinema, especially considering the context of its release: Rihanna releases her first lead artist single in nearly three years and it’s the theme song for an upcoming Smurfs film (simply titled Smurfs) starring Rihanna as Smurfette opposite James Corden and John Goodman. Jimmy Kimmel and Marshmello are in this film. I hope they play characters connected to Gargamel because I can’t root for Unfunny Racist Smurf or Washed DJ Smurf. Oh, it’s a musical by the way, with an original song by DJ Khaled and Cardi B. This feels like a film that should have came out in 2014 (which makes sense, the last live-action-animation hybrid Smurfs film was 2013), and has been retooled slightly but is still ultimately stuck in 2018 at the very latest. As far as its lead soundtrack single goes, well, it’s a barebones track, but definitely a unique one. I have no idea what Bellion and co. were going for, but to open your Smurfs song with a nearly minute-long instrumental of chugging factorial breakbeats and indecipherable vocal loop (that could be sampled from Elkan, famous for Drake’s “NOKIA” but credited as a writer on this track, it sounds like it could be manipulated from his nasal drawl)… that’s a bold choice. Rihanna must have recorded a nonsensical demo track at some point that they’ve craggled together for a “hook” as they are about three unique lines in the entire song, and even then, the delivery is sloppy, unclear and heavily manipulated with tuning, echoes and pitch-shifting that makes it barely sound like Rihanna, let alone a Rihanna-led single. I would assume it was some bootleg remix of a leaked demo done by some bored future garage producer. The glitchy vocal sample I mentioned earlier is played with so extensively in the instrumental breakdown, but for no reason. Rihanna provides some, well, “harmony” backing vocals in the final “chorus” but they also sound like throwaway riffing they just added in there for decoration. It takes a similar approach to a lot of Afro-house that has charted recently where there’s barely a drop or build but takes it to a further extreme by not even really trying to replicate a pop structure like those songs. I would say that it embraces not even having a semblance of structure, but that would indicate that the song is trying to be anything, when the lackadaisical, barely-finished progression seems to be ambivalent to its very existence. It’s like the EDM equivalent to a child playing with a Stretch Armstrong for a while and getting bored, but it has Smurfette on the Goddamn cover art. This is why I love pop culture. That Smurfs film better be kino.

#65 – “Bloom Baby Bloom” – Wolf Alice

Produced by Greg Kurstin

Wolf Alice are an alt-rock band from London active since 2010. I’ve never been a fan – I remember finding their Blue Weekend album from 2021 really dull (it topped the album charts, they must have been doing something right) – but frontwoman Ellie Roswell and co. have finally made it to the top 75 with the lead single for their next LP, The Clearing, coming this August, recruiting tried-and-true producer Greg Kurstin along the way. For what it’s worth, even if I still don’t like this, it’s definitely more confrontational and interesting than I expected. The opening piano lead will be stuck in my head forever, it’s got a unique feel that is one part jaunty cabaret and another part menacing alleyway. Roswell’s lyrics here are about not having the space to grow and be herself in the relationship she was in, seemingly in part because of how weak and useless the guy was, with the distorted pre-chorus being the lead-up to her leaving him, her getting exasperated with trying to “play it hard” (the way the drums come in there is really smooth, it’s a shame that groove doesn’t carry on for the wispy chorus). Wolf Alice definitely embrace the eclectic, jerky new wave sound but more often than not, it doesn’t feel necessary for the song’s thematic progression, which is aggressive and deserves a more human approach, with parts of this song feeling more like sound effect collection than genuine frustration. I do love the lyric in the chorus “every flower needs to neighbour in the dirt”, but the squeaky guitar wankery surrounding it just doesn’t fit – I understand its purpose, the song is in part a defiance of a useless ex-boyfriend not letting her show off, embrace the best, most confident version of herself. I just wish that led to something more: an effective climax like a solo, key change, sonic shift, something that can make an already dynamic song take on something ridiculous amidst all its wacky ambition. The song does not go the full five yards with that though so the character and narrative doesn’t feel resolved in the groovy little bow it hints at being wrapped in by the emotive final chorus and jaunty outro. I do like this plenty more than what I’ve heard from Wolf Alice thus far, but they’ve still yet to click with me. Maybe the next single will be a more focused song that can show more clearly their progression as a band, we’ll just have to see.

#63 – “The Glen” – Levi Heron

Produced by Levi Heron

Okay, I’ll bite: who the Hell is Levi Heron and why is the Levi Heron track produced by Levi Heron designated a “Levi Heron edit” on streaming services by Levi Heron? Could you be any more Levi Heron? Heron is easier to explain – he’s a Scottish DJ – but “The Glen” refers to a house (a very big house in the country) owned by Scottish aristocrats, the Tennant family, which is nowadays used for film shoots and climate seminars. It’s also a pub in Southampton, but I’m assuming he means the estate. Our story starts in 2019 with Beluga Lagoon, a Scottish film and music production company founded by Andrew O'Donnell that seem to mostly specialise in nature documentaries but released “The Glen” as part of their 2019 album, The Caledonian Fig Tree. Somewhere along the line, Mr. Heron heard it and remixed it, hence why it’s a “Levi Heron edit” even though Heron is the only credited artist. I know Beluga Lagoon is a production company but they probably still deserve a nod there. The original track, written and seemingly performed by O’Donnell himself, is a rollicking traditional Scottish folk track with some rough and rowdy vocals. It’s not my thing exactly, especially when O’Donnell isn’t the most convincing singer in the world, and the structure is mainly unchanging across its runtime apart from some swooshing string swell (you can tell they make documentaries), but that chorus about feeling alive again, there is something to that. It could be turned into something with pop promise, and lo and behold, Levi Heron saw what I did and made a massive trance tune with it. He clearly used some kind of AI-stemming programme to isolate the vocals, which sound terrible filtered like this over pressing synth bass and four-on-the-floor rhythms, but the derivative Euro-trance festival tune is a lot of fun, especially with that cheap, gross lead synth. It’s very basic sound design-wise – I’d prefer for at least some of the original Scottish folk elements to be left in, á la “Cotton-Eyed Joe” using bluegrass instruments – but I could definitely imagine the school disco where this plays after Scatman John and before Vengaboys take us to Ibiza. Idea: get Cascada’s Natalie Horler to re-sing the sample, add a final build that has a key change or fake-out drop, make a timeless smash. As it is right now, good proof-of-concept of the kind of tune that could be formed from the remnants of a much less commercial track.

#58 – “Don’t Say You Love Me” – Jin

Produced by Wyatt Sanders and Tiggs

BTS’ members are still rolling out the solo catalogues, with Jin’s EP Echo ironically being drowned out in the flood of new music this week, debuting at #63 on the albums chart with a mid-sized single debut. Jin is probably one of the least memorable so far of the BTS solo acts – I remember his last top 40 “Running Wild” mostly because Gary Barlow wrote it, not because I remember how it sounds. Sadly, this is not a cover of the M2M classic that soundtracked the first Pokémon movie back in 2000, but yet another retro synthpop track with plastic production and over-manufactured, oversold vocals from Jin. “Running Wild” at least had that anime theme song energy, this is just a slog, with rough falsetto vocals about a breakup that include a chorus where Jin suspects the ex wants to kill him, it really gets that dramatic. If you’re going to lean into a ridiculous melodrama, add some soaring guitars or orchestras, something at least – instead, it renders like a stand-up comedian telling a story about being robbed at gunpoint but in the most deadpan tone of voice possible. Like many K-pop singles, there are countless remixes, but the genres and approaches they take still have soft, plastic sheens, even the full band version which could add some grit with guitars and real drums but ends up sounding like adult alternative (which feels like an insult to the integrity of adult alternative radio). I suppose it is a listenable, inoffensive song, but there should be way more to it – if Jin is going to sing about heartbreak, I want something that tugs, not just mindlessly carries.

#32 – “What I Want” – Morgan Wallen featuring Tate McRae

Produced by Joey Moi and Charlie Handsome

Recruiting Tate McRae of all people for the crossover hit, a potential US Billboard #1 next week, we have Morgan Wallen once again delivering a bland and unmemorable country track that could have been by anyone, with added bro-country tropes to ensure that it’s a Certified Joey Moi Original. The song is about a toxic relationship with some frolicking acoustic guitar loops, a very annoying post-chorus and some of Wallen’s oddest vocal choices (that pre-chorus is two steps away from being a Kid Cudi hum), all over gross trap drums courtesy of Charlie Handsome. Tate McRae does her typical slurry whisper-singing, though she’s so heavily produced that she sounds not only better than Wallen but completely out of place. They have no chemistry, barely sound like they’re singing to each other, and McRae sticks out like a sore thumb by laying her vocals (which sound like they took actual effort) over Wallen’s careless demo track. Whatever “harmony” you could find out of these two… it’s not here, they clash horrifically, so much so that Moi has literally placed them on opposite sides of the mix. It’s such an awful team-up that it’s kind of hilarious. I should mention the few tracks I did like from this album – other than the pre-release tracks “Smile” and “I Ain’t Comin’ Back” with Post (which both got reviews in the past few months), I enjoyed the lyrics for the more neo-traditional “Skoal, Chevy and Browning”, I found “TN” and “Where’d that Girl Go” impossibly catchy despite… everything else about them, and I think the so-bad-it’s-good HARDY duet “Come Back as a Redneck” needs to be heard to be believed. The rest is exhausting and difficult, but I don’t even think he or his label wanted me – or anyone – to listen to all 37 in a row. I did, though, and I don’t regret it because I do feel I understand part of Morgan Wallen’s strategy and album sequencing that I didn’t see the purpose for before. You’ve opened my eyes, Mr. Wallen, and unfortunately closed my mind in terms of ever listening to their records in full again. Yeesh.

#25 – “One Thing” – Lola Young

Produced by Solomonophonic, Carter Lang and manuka

I had assumed Lola Young’s team were pushing “Conceited” as the sleeper hit follow-up to “Messy” but given the song’s age, it does make sense to push a brand new track as her sophomore single, especially as Young’s team of producers are behind the boards for this one too, with Solomonophonic, manuka and particularly R&B hitmaker Carter Lang all having been behind “Messy”. There was a decent amount of semi-ironic buzz about this one on whatever confusing hole of X I’ve travelled down since Elon took over, so I’ve seen the music video clipped and muted whilst doomscrolling but I’d yet to hear the song until this episode. It actually does follow the funkier groove of “Conceited”, with Lola’s very English sing-rapped delivery now going from her subject matter of toxic relationships to a down-and-dirty sex jam. I now understand why it went semi-viral on ironic X circles given those verses, but her Kali Uchis impression on the pre-chorus leaves much to be desired (even if I like the hint towards larger body sizes still enjoying intimacy, it’s a cute touch). The main appeal to me of this song is that chorus, which is – as is common with most songs this week, honestly – insanely catchy. The instrumental boils down to the groove and a slick, cascading guitar slide (I love when they pan in alongside the keys in the following verse), for an outright dismissal of anything more than a simple, hot-and-heavy hook-up. I don’t think this is outstanding or anything, but it’s a confident choice for a follow-up and one I think will pay off – I love how the song’s outro derails into a squealing jam session with vocal takes layered on each other and a myriad of spacey bass warps. Even with a mediocre pre-chorus and kind of jerky, maybe too upfront verses, there are great elements to this song that I think will help it, and Lola Young herself, stick around. I’m interested to hear if the next album is as upbeat and raunchy as this indicates.

#8 – “Family Matters” – Skye Newman

Produced by Boo and Luis Navidad

The biggest global music competition of the year, engaging damn near an entire continent and a ravenous group of super-fans for a million-dollar extravaganza held annually attracting thousands of spectators, many among them journalists covering every inch of the contest. The biggest country star on the planet releasing a 37-track album, already home to several top 40 hits, that was the biggest of its genre this year after only half a day’s worth of streams. The follow-up single to a four-week #1 that has dominated the charts for months. The first Rihanna song in years, a solo single from K-pop megastars BTS, none of what I’ve mentioned can even come toe-to-toe with… London singer-songwriter Skye Newman, who charted a few weeks ago with the decent enough “Hairdresser” and is now immediately debuting in the top 10, without even a Wikipedia page to her name. The song seems to have such a low-key presence despite its chart success that the obvious grammatical mistakes in its Genius lyrics page have yet to be fixed as of writing. If I were a more righteous humanitarian, I might have fixed them myself, but alas, we’ll have to make do with shoddy formatting.

Newman sings about her dysfunctional family in her follow-up single, but seems to wrap up her trauma with a “bigger person” angle: no-one will see the problems she faces by just looking at the surface, she doesn’t lose sleep and she’s above all the problems. So why the belting, soulful delivery, the almost menacing way the bass groove comes in, the backing harmonies, the echoed vocal mix? It’s a thematic confusion, summarised in the song’s primary conceit that it’s not trauma, just “family matters”. Her brother’s substance abuse doesn’t make him a victim or worthy of rehabilitation, but a “stupid bastard”. The opening lines is “You’ve never worn these shoes, don’t mean my new Balances in Blue”. The song settles into a chiller R&B groove with some nice drums, but the vocals appear to have been one raw take – Hell, maybe the lyrics were improvised too – and the song just… goes nowhere after. I understand that it could be relatable (TikTok virality about the song or its lyrics likely contributed) but as far as a hook goes, it’s basic and unmemorable and as far as its sound, it’s awkwardly mixed, kind of a dingy wreck. Makes sense for the family it’s describing, but it’s framed as simultaneously confrontational and very dismissive, but never in defence of her family, just a pure acceptance of loathing your closest family for reasons she contributed to but pays little mind to (the second verse elaborates that she used drugs which led to stronger drug abuse from her brother), all wrapped in an aggressive fashion that seems to indicate more of a self-hatred she’s nastily (and hastily) deflecting. It’s about as tonally lost as Drake’s diss of the same name, which I listened to after this one because it remained in the search results (even when I specified I wanted Skye Newman’s song) and I wanted a good laugh. Drop, drop, drop…

Conclusion

Well, there’s definitely a lot to choose from. Best of the Week goes to – screw it – Smurfette (the artist formerly known as Rihanna) for “Friend of Mine”, with Tommy Cash taking the Honourable Mention for “Espresso Macchiato”. As for the Worst of the Week, it should not be surprising that Morgan Wallen and Tate McRae take it for “What I Want”, but Skye Newman was not too far behind with “Family Matters” as the Dishonourable Mention. Plenty of this will vanish by next Friday – seeing which of their debuts actually last into the Summer will be interesting. Thank you for reading my dissertation and/or TED Talk and/or remake of Tolstoy’s War and Peace, long live Cola Boyy – his posthumous album Quit to Play Chess was released today and I implore you to listen. See you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 17/05/2025 (Sleep Token's Even in Arcadia, Calvin Harris & Clementine Douglas)

Well, Sleep Token may not have to keep it brief to sell records, but I’ll try. Alex Warren’s “Ordinary” lives up to its name with an ninth(!) week at #1 on the UK Singles Chart, and welcome back to this “sleepy” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: references to drug misuse and death

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts, which are songs exiting the UK Top 75 (that’s what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to: “End of the World” by Miley Cyrus, “Kisses” by BL3SS and CamrinWatsin featuring bbyclose, “I Had Some Help” by Post Malone featuring Morgan Wallen, “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls and after only two weeks, “Damocles” by Sleep Token. Don’t fret, Sleep fans. Or Sleep Token fans, I’m a sleep fan and I don’t want to be confused for a fan of this band.

Two new album releases – Sleep Token’s chart-topping Even in Arcadia and PinkPantheress’ Fancy That mixtape at #3, both new peaks for them on the album chart – show their impact on the chart, with PinkPantheress’ “Tonight” returning to #68 (it peaked at #35 earlier this year) and Sleep Token’s “Caramel” surging back onto the chart at #33. Otherwise, “Girl, so confusing” by Charli xcx (with a remix featuring Lorde that the Official Charts Company is still not crediting) is back to #73 and an unnecessary Doechii remix brings the still terrible “Timeless” by The Weeknd allegedly featuring Playboi Carti back to #30. The former peaked at #28 last year, whilst the latter somehow reached #7 earlier this year. Our notable gains see boosts for “I need to know” by Denon Reed of Cru2 at #57 for some reason (expect another gain next week thanks to another “all star rap remix” adding Tom Zanetti), “All I Know” by Rudimental and Khalid at #56, “Borderline” by Ely Oaks and LAVINIA at #35, “Revolving door” by Tate McRae at #16 and “Shake it to the Max (FLY)” by MOLIY and Silent Addy at #15 (this one also had a remix released this week, courtesy of Major Lazer and Ape Drums).

Our top five is nearly the exact same as last week, aside from sombr reaching a new peak for “undressed” at #5, which isn’t exactly a positive, but otherwise: “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey at #4, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #3 and “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #2, with “Ordinary” sitting comfortably at the top. There is a top 10 debut this week so hopefully things will shake up soon but before we get to that, we’ve got a Sleep Token double feature and some nice little bonuses. We even start with a song as desperate for sleep as I am.

New Entries

#59 – “Don’t Wake Me Up” – James Hype

Produced by James Hype

Until around five minutes before this episode was uploaded, I had accidentally left the placeholder “Produced by Producer” in, and that feels somewhat mean to point out but also after reading his Spotify bio, claiming that Mr. James Hype is one of the UK’s most important artists, and asking right after listing all his achievements, “Who does this?”, no, I don’t feel mean at all. Who makes EDM songs and sells millions of record? I’ll challenge you to name… 40… thousand. James Hype appears on the UK charts every few years, it seems – this is his first time as a solo act, though there is an uncredited female vocalist (I can’t find confirmation on who it is, but it is possibly his fiancé Tita Lau) – and given his latest track was 2022’s mega-hit “Ferrari” (peaking at #6), and if you follow his UK Singles Chart history, every other hit is a top 10, I don’t have high hopes for this lasting very long. Hey, if he can brag about his achievements in his Spotify bio, I can use his achievements to calculate his chart success. Who does this? Jokes aside, the song is completely fine: the vocals are about as anonymous as, well, they actually are, and they’ve been crushed in different filters, but that makes sense for the kind of cheap, bleep-bloop 2000s trance throwback he’s going for. The lyrics are Euro-cheese about dreaming and being in bliss, the drop is predictable, but the rave synth hook is addicting – that’s all it needs to be, but it’s far from, say, a DJ Sammy’s “Heaven”. This song was released in March, but as with many EDM sleeper hits, there are remixes, though thankfully not as much as those Cru2 rascals. Australia’s Jesse Bloch makes it an even more convincing dated festival track with those hardcore kicks but apart from fine-tuning the mix into something Scooter should hop on and an admittedly cool vocal chop towards the end, it feels a bit predictable. Thankfully, there’s an unholy Vibe Chemistry remix that tries to turn it into something resembling drum and bass which, if that synth fart on the drop is anything to go by, was a mistake. South Africa’s Shimza brings that new, atmospheric Afro-house blend that slows the tempo down a tad and focuses less on climactic drops than building soundscapes, but this one actually does have a pretty exciting build – I like this version a lot, mostly because of its unique percussive elements. As far as the original goes, it ends up less interesting than every other take. It goes for vanilla and succeeds. Fair enough, James. Who does this?

#48 – “Illegal” – PinkPantheress

Produced by PinkPantheress and aksel arvid

I loved PinkPantheress’ new mixtape Fancy That – it is a bubbly 20-minute set of Y2K nostalgia, oftentimes directly sampling the very hits it reminisces upon, with a dazed PinkPantheress delivering addictive hooks with such stylistically focused production that still throws you for a couple of loops on first listen (Nardo Wick? Huh?). Now, as you may expect, our story actually starts in 1994, with the release of “Dark & Long” by Cardiff dance act Underworld, the “Dark Train” mix of which famously featured in the controversial but acclaimed 90s film Trainspotting. This is a 10-minute groovy techno build with some pretty trance and ambient synths that keep the song from getting too monotonous, and it peaked at #57 in 1994 (whilst Wet Wet Wet’s cover of “Love is All Around” was #1, like it was damn near half the year). “Dark & Long” was even played at the 2012 London Olympics opening ceremony, despite its relatively low chart position, so I understand that when celebrating 90s and 2000s UK pop in their production, PinkPantheress and aksel arvid would turn to this sample in an honestly quite egregious way, but they bring their own drums that hit a little harder than the original in my opinion, and those high-register sing-song-y hooks we’ve come to expect from her.

Using a slightly dark sample that still has a lot of flashy synth glaze is perfect for a song about a vague secret relationship that feels risky to continue for whatever reason. A lot of the album acts as an allegory for drug use, and this one is hardly subtle, with the bridge having a panicked PinkPantheress admit to smoking too much weed and rhythmically breathing after her vocals slip out of the melodies. The instrumental build that follows de-emphasises most of the drums, adds a screaming effect, has PinkPantheress breathing across the mix – the only lead vocal is a sarcastic-sounding “Wow!” – until most of the melodic elements fade out as the high runs out and she’s back to reality. A lot of the lovestruck fawning over this record ends up sounding more like spaced-out confusion and carelessness with the added context of the drug themes being placed right as the opening track. It may not be the most unique or clever trick in the book to “be about drugs, actually”, but it adds depth to songs that are structured around that narrative, allowing PinkPantheress to make longer, worthwhile songs than she has been, so I’d say it’s a positive (and helps out the cultural link to Trainspotting, for sure). I love most of the tape but my personal favourites are the singles, “Nice to Know You”, “Romeo” and, primarily because of a Basement Jaxx sample bringing me back, “Girl Like Me”. I highly implore you to listen if you have yet to do so.

#38 – “Look to Windward” – Sleep Token

Produced by Carl Bown

So, Sleep Token, Even in Arcadia. I listened to it yesterday with a friend. I’m not a fan, as you’d expect from reading any of my prior reviews on Sleep Token or even just my takes on metal in general: an album with such a cloying lead vocalist in Vessel, such abrupt shifts from mostly grey alt-pop and R&B to overdone djent sections, and overlong faux-“progressive” structures will not be something I enjoy and I was more surprised that I made it through the whole thing with two tracks I liked. This is not included. Sure, there is more swell in the rising strings but they arise from a pathetic synth pluck and much of the intro is Vessel begging for the “eclipse in [him]” to be halted, to have some reprieve from when a vague darkness inevitably overwhelms him. What that is, I don’t know, but the “Will you halt this eclipse in me?” mantra is annoying and is neither a smooth enough cadence or powerful enough lyric to warrant that much repetition. In fact, it’s a somewhat awkward phrase that drones on, perhaps fittingly for that kind of content but if I were designing a track based on that, I’m not sure if I would go for cinematic swell and backing harmony vocals, probably a darker approach that gradually distorts instead of just doing the absolutely predictable “gotcha! It’s djent now!” Sleep Token go for at the end of this introductory passage. Apparently, Vessel could be reaching out to Sleep – I did not know Sleep was a character but I’m reaching out to him too by the time we get to the trap bridge. You may think this is a short, dismissive review for a song that nears eight minute in length, but consider this: this 56-minute album ends with a fade-out. Not just a song or two, the album itself closes by just fading out instead of finding a theatrical finish like you’d expect a band like Sleep Token to. Who does this? The closing song has Vessel find peace amidst chaos, but there are surely musical ways to express that, that don’t include turning down the volume button gradually for 30 seconds until you get to zero. That tiny little detail made me realise that they may just care as much as I do about their music.

#31 – “Even in Arcadia” – Sleep Token

Produced by Carl Bown

It was by this time in the album listening, around track six, that I started to think Sleep Token are a positive force in pop music. They’re fuelled by a cult fanbase’s sales and streams so it’s difficult to say if they really permeate the general audience but they must be having some impact that I can respect for a band that is so entrenched in lore and makes a pseudo-eclectic mix of metalcore, pop balladry, electronic semi-rap… okay, when I describe it, it sounds horrible, but it’s still something. The execution is where it gets sloppy for me and I’m definitely not personally a fan but this is dynamic and often heavy music that’s selling well, even if gimmicks are attached like with Ghost. Sleep Token’s recent success took me slightly by surprise but if there’s a void for longer, more adventurous songs, especially in rock and metal, to actually be radio hits, Hell, I’m all for it. I’ll even give it to them: I like this song.

The title track is in reference to a phrase common in classical antiquity, best displayed by Classical painter Nicolas Poussin’s Et in Arcadia ego, depicting a pastoral scene with shepherds gathered around a tomb that reads “et in Arcadia ego” – “even in Arcadia, there am I”. Many of Vessel’s lyrics in this album cycle have revolved around newfound fame and struggles to adapt, so the idea of death and loss still being ever-present even in paradise rings close to his metallic Drakery across the project. Vessel’s lyricism, especially the second verse, is still clunky and very self-indulgent as he details his own ascendance, but the first verse is much more grounded and the piano melody the entire song is founded on is one of the few moments in this album that actually touched me. As a pure ballad that does not ever do the djent bait-and-switch, but still builds through an array of sound ideas, such as a subtle beeping sound way in the back of the mix, a metallic clackering that pans across the airy mix, and my personal favourite touch, the wiry synths that lead into an anthemic synth replaying the piano. This is one of the few places on the album where Vessel’s tuned and layered vocal mix doesn’t just make sense but adds to a song thematically, though I don’t love his belting at all (his yelling and rough vocals need some work in general). The instrumental outro with the string section is gorgeous and having Vessel absent for it as the song peters out into low-quality recordings of what sounds like rainfall is a great way to end a track at peace meaningfully. If you wanted to keep a motif going, maybe you could make your closer worth listening to with that trick but sure, a studio fade-out works too. See, Sleep Token fans? I can be nice. I see value in the band’s work, I’m not just dismally rejecting the music based on preconceived notions of what they are… except occasionally, I am because it really is hard to take the “DYWTYLM” guy seriously sometimes. Do you roll with the waves?

#8 – “Blessings” – Calvin Harris and Clementine Douglas

Produced by Calvin Harris

Some Brits woke up to Snapchat messages from Scotland’s very own Calvin Harris this week, who is desperate to ask if you like his new song, regardless of how many times you tell him to piss off. “You like it?” Thankfully, I do. After the trainwreck genre-fusion of “SMOKE THE PAIN AWAY”, Calvin Harris does what he always does after an experiment and digs further into his increasingly wider comfort zone, I feel like he has a strong handle on plenty of dance genres by now. His vocalist of choice is, as credited on the cover art, “The One & Only” Clementine Douglas of “Asking” and “Tell Me” fame, who I generally like on these pop-EDM cuts, and the production here is also pleasant. It’s absolutely another 2000s trance throwback, this time harking back to the Ibiza sound, with a shimmering lead synth and tropical guitars as Ms. Douglas shows a… surprising level of depth for this kind of song. Sure, the lyrics aren’t too detailed but it’s nice to hear a house breakup song, especially one that’s almost a kiss-off, where her partner didn’t deserve the love she gave them but she takes a sarcastic “bigger person” and wishes them all the blessings because… well, she couldn’t care less, she’s not looking back. You can hear elements of modern Fred again..-style stutter house in how the vocals are treated in the drop, and the generally shaky atmosphere thanks to lyrics referencing anxious and tense moments in the relationships against some great details in that second verse, such as a subtle, contemplative synth and a hesitant string swell that has the door shut down on it by the punchy build. It’s nothing too new or original from Calvin Harris but it does work, mostly thanks to Clementine Douglas and not exactly the strength of its drop – that lead is still way too loud in the mix, this is a consistent problem with him recently – but also thanks to a more unique set-up that gives way to a charming, more wistful take on a very overdone genre. You like it?

Conclusion

Yes. But it’s not getting Best of the Week, that goes to PinkPantheress for “Illegal” and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Sleep Token take the Honourable Mention for “Even in Arcadia”. Just when you thought this series would start getting less predictable, they also get Worst of the Week for “Look to Windward”, don’t get too excited. I wouldn’t usually give out a Dishonourable Mention when the rest of the songs are just okay, but James Hype really bugged me with that egotistical Spotify description so take that, “Don’t Wake Me Up”. Who does this? As for next week, it’s the Eurovision final, that’ll likely drown out whatever else releases, so prepare for every year’s most annoying week, the Eurovision episode. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week! Now to get some sleep.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 10/05/2025 (Ed Sheeran, Jorja Smith)

For yet another week – now eight, consecutively – “Ordinary” by Alex Warren stays on top of the UK Singles Chart. It’s a fittingly dry week, so welcome back to this “dehydrated” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, references to bigotry, death, body image and Maroon 5

Rundown

As always, we start the episode with our notable dropouts, those being songs exiting the UK Top 75 (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to two singles (both lasting four weeks) from albums that released today so could just enter back next week anyway, namely “Caramel” by Sleep Token and “Tonight” by PinkPantheress, as well as “Some Might Say” by Oasis off of the anniversary reissue re-release last week, “Juno” by Sabrina Carpenter, “Call Me When You Break Up” by Selena Gomez, benny blanco and Gracie Abrams, “It Isn’t Perfect but it Might Be” by Olivia Dean and finally, once again, “Austin (Boots Stop Workin’)” by Dasha.

As for what fills those spots, it will mainly be our new entries, but “Kisses” by BLSS and CamrinWatsin featuring bbyclose is back at #71 and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac at #70 because why not? Outside of the other re-entry for Sabrina Carpenter’s “Espresso” at #44, we see gains for… “Mr. Brightside” at #63, dear God. Other than the bottom-feeders, we do have “Stargazing” by Myles Smith at #47, “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman at #30, “party 4 u” by Charli xcx at #28 and a big week for sombr, as “back to friends” is at #15, “undressed” at #6. Just delightful.

As for the top five on the UK Singles Chart, we have the usual suspects with “Azizam” by Ed Sheeran at #5, “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey at #4, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #3, “Love Me Not” by Ravyn Lenae at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at #1. Now for our small batch of new entries of wildly varying quality.

New Entries

#69 – “Priceless” – Maroon 5 featuring LISA

Produced by Federico Vindver and Jacob Kasher

This is just a flagrant, low-effort hop at chancing a hit, Adam Levine. Unfortunately, that is what Maroon 5 has been about since V, but when it was successful, it never seemed as desperate, mostly because it looked easy for them to just snab radio hits. Once they started bringing a lot of guest features into the ring, it felt even more soulless. You can point to Red Pill Blues and its singles for fully convincing him to hop on that train, though Christina Aguilera’s “Moves Like Jagger” remix was the first push, and now that Maroon 5 are more of a Nickelback-esque punchline than hitmaking pop group, why not just throw money and songwriters at a last-ditch K-pop collab? Oh, and forget to credit the producers on Spotify while you’re at it, for some reason. That’s probably the only presentational puncture in the perfect plastic pop packaging of “Priceless”, apart from the fact the song is not nearly exciting enough for all that alliteration. In fact, it’s really… dated. I don’t like making that a major criticism because artists can’t control time, but it’s dated to a specific and very recent period of time that Maroon 5 flourished in: mid-to-late-2010s funk-pop. We have the basic, watery guitars, stock drums and some really unchallenging, uninteresting vocal melodies. Hell, Levine even lays low on the falsetto a bit. It sounds like Charlie Puth could be all over this, but he would have probably have added more detail or gimmickry, something that makes the song striking for better or for worse. This is just… nothing. Now a detail I left out is that I really like Maroon 5. I’ve probably said to the contrary in the past but I do like his voice, I think they’ve written earworms on earworms, and the laidback tone of this song is closer to their funk rock days than they’ve been in a while. The limited, easier vocals are easy on Levine’s aging, Auto-Tuned voice and LISA’s sing-songy semi-rapping, the chorus isn’t notable in nearly any way apart from Levine singing “Take my money, don’t want it” – he means the love is priceless but it’s just funny to hear him so passively give up money in the chorus to his big comeback. Hell, given the lack of reception (despite the big narrative video, guest star and… balding), he may as well be signalling to the audience that it’s time to give up. And I wouldn’t blame him – even the typography on the cover art is selling something very clearly of the mid-2010s, and I don’t think the “M5” rebrand will take off, Mr. Levine, especially if the content is far from a rebrand. It’s more of the same, it’s stuck in the same rut this band has been in for years… but it’s a pleasant nothing, isn’t it? I wouldn’t mind hearing this on the radio. I’d like to hear it in the back of a video of a wedding video (the party, not the ceremony – “take my money, don’t want it” wouldn’t be the greatest of vows). Producer Mr. Vindver knows weddings, of course, he had a hand in The Big Day, and I think that album’s really overhated. Maybe I’m becoming a milquetoast pop consoomer as I grow older. Maybe the future for me is adult contemporary radio. It really makes you wonder.

#57 – “Borderline” – Ely Oaks and LAVINIA

Produced by Ely Oaks and Sebastian Bliem

Straight off the success of “Running Around”, Austrian DJ Ely Oaks is back with a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it single now crediting its vocalist, LAVINIA, a songwriter born in Italy, raised in the UK and based in Germany. Originally a songwriter for EDM acts, she’s been releasing music of her own since at least 2022. Currently, a Google for “Lavinia singer” splits the results between LAVINIA (the singer) and the author, Lavinia Singer, which is completely unrelated but hey, search engine optimisation is somewhat important in the streaming era. This newer track doesn’t even reach two minutes but does it spend its time wisely? Well, “wisely” – no, the song is a stupid “hypertechno” track with chipmunk vocals from LAVINIA covering Swedish singer Tove Styrke’s 2014 song “Borderline”. So firstly, the original song is similarly silly but instead has a reggae fusion rhythm for some reason and despite supposedly being about “smashing the patriarchy” (I guess I can see it – “I used to be blind and I still can’t see”), this upbeat techno reimagining makes it seem like more just living your life recklessly and being on-edge all the time, hence the repetition of “borderline” in a… well, borderline nursery rhyme melody. I prefer Ely Oaks’ version because there is not even an attempt to take itself seriously – even if it is about the patriarchy, there is a new punk energy to singing about being an unabashedly messy woman over basic rave production. I also like the very typically buzzy synths, and how Mr. Oaks and co-producer Mr. Bliem do surprisingly more with the drums than you’d expect for a song that doesn’t hit the two-minute mark, I like the breakbeat interludes and how choppy the hardcore sections are. Not a song with too much going on, or really much of anything at all, but for a follow-up for your first big hit… it’s not the direction I’d go in, but he probably already had this lying around to play in sets. Wonder if this’ll be a hit too.

#52 – “Gnarly” – KATSEYE

Produced by Pink Slip, Tim Randolph, “hitman” bang and Slow Rabbit

Sigh, so this may need some explanation. Giant K-pop conglomerate HYBE, intending to expand its western market, held an international competition show with Geffen Records and the end product is KATSEYE, a “global girl group” styled and managed like K-pop but with members from all around the world. They had some mild success in 2024 with their debut EP but this is their breakout and it’s immediately obvious why: a tasteless and unfortunately successful attempt at virality.

The song is co-written by Chinese hyperpop act Alice Longyu Gao (who I know for her bold Alice Glass collab “LEGEND” but never kept up with – any excuse to bring Ms. Glass up though), and you can tell. It’s got bassy, minimal hyperpop verses that feature snares taken straight from Dylan Brady of 100 gecs and name-dropping of pointedly American symbols, a distorted chorus and bait-and-switch pre-chorus that makes you think it might be doing something actually interesting like a throwback house switch-up. Alas, it has a classic K-pop structure in spite of all the, ahem, “weirdness”, in that its transitions are abrupt, its parts are unrelated and it sounds built for music videos and choreography than being listenable. The obnoxious vocals clearly take from bratty, teenager kitsch that hyperpop also displays, whilst having a “polarising” (but thanks to years of hyperpop being mainstream, pretty normal) sound you could easily see replacing “money machine” in one of those X posts asking how people “really listen to this shit”. As for the lyrics, they desperately try to make “gnarly” a thing. You could say it’s ironic, and it definitely is considering how it’s outdated 80s Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles slang, but the singers are still absolutely trying to sell it, with the vocal engineering drowning them in effects to sell it even further, and the sheer repetition drilling it into your brain. Once you’re putting that much effort to make your supposedly cool thing cool, it just ends up pathetic and flagrantly corporate, especially with the fact that a clean edit exists, because anything actually transgressive wouldn’t have a radio edit on week of release (okay, except “WAP”). Sure, the group is diverse, but its writers probably shouldn’t get away with their inclusion of harmful black stereotypes in their modern Hollywood imagery – the fried chicken lyric, the trap beat, I took it as a fluke until the second verse started repeating “gang gang” incessantly – if this isn’t the most borderline racist song you could get away with in modern pop, I’m not sure what is, but that probably didn’t even cross their minds because to them, it’s equivalent to boba tea and Tesla, who clearly share a demographic…

Once I found out that this was originally cut as a demo by Alice Longyu Gao with the fucking Chainsmokers in 2023, just reworked for official release, I almost regretted writing anything else about it. Explaining that this is an old Chainsmokers song in the vein of “#SELFIE” repackaged as a TikTok-viral “post-ironic” pile of shit by a K-pop business worth more than several countries, with a borderline anonymous girl group supposedly at the forefront, really defeats the need for any sort of review or analysis of this, and that’s to assume it held any value in the first place. Why bother with this kind of thing?

#39 – “The Way I Love You” – Jorja Smith

Produced by Ed Thomas, Maverick Sabre and Shayk

For her upcoming album, Jorja Smith has been working mostly with eclectic Irish musician Maverick Sabre, who broke out to great chart success in 2011 – his debut “Let Me Go” peaked at #16 – but has mostly settled for critical acclaim since, though will often pop up with collaborators as a guest artist. Their duet, “Loving You”, from last year failed to chart but the two have been working together since she was 16, and together with Smith’s common collaborator Ed Thomas, he’s been providing songwriting, production and even vocals on many of the tracks released from this upcoming record. Given the press release for this single and her BBC Radio 1 interview regarding “Loving You” mentioning youth and nostalgia, these could be prevalent themes on the album, though it’s subtler here as whilst the UK garage sound is nostalgic, the lyrics are more about an ongoing relationship deteriorating not out of conflict but out of not feeling too special anymore, that expression of love not being as frequent or effective, her partner’s not as talkative with her anymore and things like that make her question what life would even be like without this person in her life anymore. It seems like a relatively long-term relationship – this may just be a sign of how the initial, lovestruck phase is over and things are more “regular” – but that real confusion about where you stand with someone is represented through the inner cycle of questions that make up the verses.

It’s a unique position than a love or breakup song to write about, especially with this kind of garage production that emphasises a tense atmosphere and lets her vocals just drip out onto the jerky bass and string stabs very reminiscent of bassline house (maybe that revival is coming after all – it’s the day of Cru2’s Birmingham shutdown tomorrow after all). The vocal chop in the pre-chorus are against what sounds like MIDI flutes and a constant, rapid fluttering of garage percussion, as the stuttering blends her lyrics together to sound like “when you look at my body”, echoing that pertinent issue of a relationship harming her self-image, adding that train of thought into the emotional confusion. It’s not got as many impactful moments, perhaps, but for a chugging bassline song, it’s surprisingly emotionally resonant and absolutely worth checking out. I wouldn’t be surprised if this ended up being a decently-sized hit too, a mix of R&B and bassline garage this driving and this concerned with self-worth feels like it could really have some motion on the charts. Knowing the success of my predictions, this will be in the notable dropouts next week. Regardless of how it ends up, I love this song and I’m looking forward to hear more from Jorja and Maverick soon – he brings a confrontational feel I don’t hear her end up in too often. Great stuff.

#17 – “Old Phone” – Ed Sheeran

Produced by Blake Slatkin, Ed Sheeran and ILYA

Our biggest debut this week is Ed Sheeran sifting through his old phone. Riveting stuff. Full disclosure: I like Ed Sheeran’s ballads, often way more than I want to, and he touches upon death and nostalgia in ways I’ve felt before (I count “F64” and “Visiting Hours” among his best track). Even with that, I did laugh bizarrely hard at the song opening with acoustic chords you wouldn’t think out of place in a ukulele-laden YouTube apology video and the out-of-the-gate admission that Ed Sheeran just… went through his old phone today. He sells that with passion. On a serious note, I do like this song – he’s in a place where he’s reminiscing on times and people that are so far in the past that he isn’t the same person, and neither are those old people he has messages with. His dead friends, exes and family members that grew apart wouldn’t really recognise him in the same way that he can easily recognise and remember the names, faces and messages on that old phone. He ends up saying in the chorus that he probably should have kept this in the box, because it doesn’t belong to him anymore, it belongs to the past.

Despite the relatively upbeat folksy tune – I really wish there wasn’t any percussion, or that the little stomp-clap affects he adds weren’t here, to make it a barer track – the lyrics are honest and depressing, they paint a picture of Ed you don’t really see. He’s always had the image of a normal, down-to-Earth “bloke”-type – to hear him being much more open about how far he is from the person he used to be, from the character and façade he displays, and regretting how his confused response to fame pushed everyone away from him, is genuinely compelling to me and definitely pretty new all things considered. I wonder if the album’s title Play, or his recent public pontifications about what his posthumous compilation album will be titled (Eject, by the way), have anything to do with the Ed we see on this track, because that’s not an Ed we’ve seen in much detail before. I do like the vocal layering, I’ve always loved how Ed does that, but I wish the contrast of that was felt much more by emptying the mix a tad, emphasising the honesty of the track whilst still masking his voice in some ways. Maybe there’ll be some stripped-down version I prefer in the future but for now, I’m more interested in this lyrically than as a full package. Still, colour me intrigued.

Conclusion

Well, KATSEYE gets Worst of the Week for “Gnarly”, obviously, and Best of the Week goes to Jorja Smith, also obviously, for “The Way I Love You”, but the rest was just in this grey, middling expanse of listenability, I don’t think I can name an Honourable or Dishonourable Mention. As for what’s on the horizon – it could be a big week. Albums from PinkPantheress and Sleep Token, singles from Stormzy, Tyla, Miley Cyrus, Calvin Harris and more – we’ll see what happens. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 03/05/2025 (Lorde, Benson Boone, Sleep Token)

It’s getting quite “Ordinary” for Alex Warren at the top of the UK Singles Chart for a seventh week, as I welcome you back to this “extraneous” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, references to stalking and drugs, Benson Boone sexing you up

Rundown

As always, we start the episode with our notable dropouts, those being songs that exit the UK Top 75 (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, we bid adieu to: “Garden of Eden” by Lady Gaga, “Hometown Glory” by Adele, “Burning Down” by Alex Warren, “Not Like Us” by Kendrick Lamar, “Close to You” by Gracie Abrams and FINALLY, Disturbed’s cover of “The Sound of Silence” – yes, that was still charting, and it was a blight on each week. Oh, and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac is gone again but it’ll be back, it’s always back.

In terms of what fills up those spots, it’s actually an incredibly slow week, with our re-entries – those being current bottom-dweller “Austin (Boots Stop Workin’)” by Dasha at #75 and “Some Might Say” by Oasis at #55 – being exemplary of that. “Some Might Say” debuted atop of the chart in 1995 and charted until 1998, with this return being thanks to a 30th anniversary physical reissue. In 1996, opportunistic dance renditions by Supernova and De-Code charted at #55 and #69 respectively. Our gains are similarly scarce: “Somedays” by Sonny Fodera, Jazzy and D.O.D at #61, “Caramel” by Sleep Token at #52 (more on them later), “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman at #38, “party 4 u” by Charli xcx at #34 and Jack Black getting his first top 10 with “Steve’s Lava Chicken” at #9.

Now for the UK Singles Chart top five, which is all very familiar outside of Ravyn Lenae’s “Show Me Love” up to #5. The rest is “Azizam” by Ed Sheeran at #4, “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey at #3, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at #1. Now to cover our much more interesting section: the debuts.

New Entries

#72 – “I need to know” – Denon Reed and Cru2

Produced by Denon Reed

This is an interesting one: Birmingham DJ Denon Reed who has self-declared himself as leading the revival of bassline, a UK garage spin-off native to Sheffield popular in the 2000s. Cru2 is his record label and promotional event company, they’re doing a “Birmingham Shutdown” on the 10th and I’m in the city currently so I suppose if I really like this song, I could go (not happening). Reed released “I need to know” in September 2024 and it is a pretty typical bassline flip of a female acapella, presumably a stem sold on Splice or some other marketplace – couldn’t identify the vocalist but through searching lyrics, I know that’s it’s been in circulation since at least 2016 with Pascal Letoublon using it in 2017 for “Be with Me” and, through Shazam, I discovered that “HasenChat Music”, with some random stock image of a woman I presume isn’t the vocalist, used it the year before on “Need to Know”. You can’t say I don’t do my research. From the handful of songs I found that use the track over the years, I’ve found that the producers don’t tend to be particularly innovative with their flips, and Reed’s is similarly straightforward. The original release does not credit a producer, but I’ve reasonably assumed Reed makes his own stuff – if he didn’t, it would be a bit ridiculous considering how simple this is: some choppy strings, a characteristically zoinked-out bass as is typical with the genre, and four-on-the-floor drums with a female vocal on top. I basically could have read you the genre description for bassline from Wikipedia.

Since then, Reed and his folks at Cru2 have continued to release alternate versions of the song, starting in November 2024 with Leeds’ own KAV, who raps over the original instrumental repeating a bunch of chanted hooks and MCing in his slightly fun accent. He doesn’t say anything of note – he doesn’t need to, he just needs to rock the party – but I don’t think he needs to be here for the song to work. The next mix, released in February 2025, removes him but adds production from London house producer Majestic, who adds some cute throwback details that don’t mesh perfectly but definitely add a tiny bit of his flavour to the song. Majestic has charted before, of course, first in 2017 and up until last year, with even more remixes, the most notable of which is of “Rasputin” by Boney M. – his remix was a #11 hit in 2021. The same day, Reed released a VIP mix which has some more bounce to the percussion particularly, it sounds like flies are being swatted and 8-bit sprites of buildings are being destroyed. The Majestic remix was distributed by Relentless Records, a label under Sony known for its success with UK garage acts, so still crediting “Cru2” is a bit funny. The same label published a remix by CLIPZ, a Bristol DJ also known as Redlight (he had a top five hit under his name in 2012 with “Lost in Your Love”), who revamped the song a lot more with pitch-shifting the vocals and constructing a long and somewhat menacing build into a gnarlier drum and bass drop. It’s not great – the metallic percussion is awesome but the drop doesn’t impact as well as it should – but the bridge wherein the vocals have been filtered, echoed and overlapped into a pretty chaotic moment is really cool. Relentless then released a VIP mix by Lewi White, best known for producing a 2011 grime posse cut with Ed Sheeran on it (it peaked at #86). White’s rendition also released just a week after the CLIPZ cut, which was two weeks after the Majestic mix (we’re still in February), also adds a Denon Reed producer tag despite every other version thus far lacking it… and him not producing it.

Switch Disco, a duo who charted before in 2023 with “REACT” (it peaked at #4 and was my favourite hit of that year), flipped it in their “bassline edit” in March – bit redundant, but the bassline in this one is fuzzy and the way the vocals are pitched and re-arranged over it is great, it’s one of my favourite versions, especially with the cinematic effects they add. Then the next week, a guy called Ryan Arnold popped up with a complete bassy overhaul that takes the PAWSA approach to minimal throwback house production. I got a bit sick of it by this point, but no worries – here comes 2005 one-hit wonder Big Ang (“It’s Over Now” peaked at #29), swooping in to save the day with her similarly minimal remix just a week after. This one has a kind of funny, glitched-out stutter of the main vocal that made me laugh but it mostly made me realise how ridiculous this was – weekly remixes for two months? Is this a TV show? I drove myself insane listening to all of these and hearing just how little they’d shake up that vocal line. Even California DJ Jauz’s remix, which has basically no other resemblance to any other version thanks to its trap breakdown (airhorns included), just plays the vocal, which I suppose with this many versions is the only remaining part of the song that can be identified before it just gets classified as an entirely new one (though that vocal, of course, is far from unique to this song and has been used for nearly a decade!). Jauz charted once for one week at #82 in 2016, by the way, if that matters, ironically with a song titled “Higher”. Jauz’s remix was the last for a month before the version that probably gave it one final stretch to pick it up in the top 75, a version that credits Cru2 as a featured artist, bizarrely, despite Cru2 being not only not a person, but also the lead artist’s company, and also not the featured artists, as that would actually be MCs KAV (once again), Silky (who casts Harry Potter spells) and more familiar names, MIST and Dizzee Rascal (who is absolutely lovely to hear on the charts again, last time he appeared was 2018), referencing his classic “Bassline Junkie”. Silky‘s highest-charting song is a 2020 Tom Zanetti collab, “Flight Mode”, at #78 but the other two don’t need backstory – Dizzee has five #1s after all and MIST used to be a semi-regular on this show (hasn’t charted since 2022, unfortunately).

I hope you enjoyed that rundown of each remix of the song because it was much more interesting than I expected it to be, but the sheer quantity of versions is somewhat ludicrous for a song that is not yet a year old. I do actually like the original fair enough because it is so simplistic that it becomes almost hypnotic, though the VIP mix and Switch Disco edit are my personal favourites. It does help lengthen what would have been a miniscule review and maybe flesh out a pretty dull week overall.

#66 – “Stateside” – PinkPantheress

Produced by PinkPantheress, The Dare and aksel arvid

Alt-pop princess PinkPantheress has released the second single from her upcoming sophomore mixtape, Fancy That, this time with Brooklyn’s sleazy alt-dance producer The Dare, who she teams up with for a bit of a re-imagining of “American Boy” content-wise. The difference here being is that PinkPantheress doesn’t have anyone to work off of outside of The Dare’s production – she apparently was deceived by his looks into thinking he was actually British anyway – and also that she’s basically stalking the guy, though this is mostly because this American guy treats her much sweeter than any Brit has, with the novelty of her being his British girlfriend and him being her American boy making the relationship feel fresh and dreamlike. The Dare brings a warbled synth bass and breakbeats that don’t start off too exciting – the most interesting element of this mix at first is probably the breathing in the chorus – but a pattering of vocal samples splattered all over this mix as it floats and swells with new swooshing pads makes this a very immersive soundscape. I’m not entirely sure how much sense it makes for the content, it sounds like a French festival for most of the middle part, but it’s absolutely a refined and detailed production, with that fun French filter house stab, turntables and even a synth ripped from Groove Armada’s “Paper Romance”. Speaking of samples, I immediately recognised the melody of the post-chorus being an interpolation of Adina Howard’s “Freak Like Me”, a 90s R&B hit (#33 in 1995, on the exact same week that “Some Might Say” was #1, in a lovely, trivial coincidence that makes me happy) that PinkPantheress knows from the Gary Numan-sampling, Richard X-produced, UK chart-topping Sugababes cover that blocked “One Step Closer” by the S Club Juniors off the top spot (Judas!). The Dare did not know who the Sugababes were, according to an interview with Jack Saunders, which just fuels the song’s narrative. Can a Sugababe love a Backstreet Boy?

#57 – “Laho” – Shallipopi

Produced by Progrex

Okay, I’ll bite: who’s Shallipopi? Well, he’s a Nigerian singer whose breakout hit is named after Elon Musk. Moving on swiftly, this song from March is somewhat unique in the Afrobeats lane and not just because of the immense amount of tags that start the song, one of which claims that “Shalli-fuckin’-Popi” is “the President of Pluto”. The dramatic strings in the back as well as the off-beat feel to Shallipopi’s vocals give this a somewhat cavernous feel, especially since the group harmony vocals sit there with Shallipopi more talking over them than anything. It’s slightly off-kilter, with the hook pleading with God and his fans not to let him fall from grace and his position, as well as referencing how he’s just drank Don Julio and doesn’t want to literally fall over. “Laho” means please and having a echoed group vocal chant “Don’t let me fall, please” amidst some clicky, minimal percussion adds an isolated desperateness to the track that I find haunting. It fades out, however, and doesn’t ultimately feel like too complete of a track, but Burna Boy is here to save the day with a remix released last week that sadly adds a pretty good verse from him but isn’t sufficiently longer to add any more parts that could really flesh the song out, like an extended outro or switch-up in the beat. This is definitely still interesting but sounds more like a proof of concept. Also, New York drill rapper-producer Cash Cobain is teasing a remix in which he delivers what sounds like a run-on sentence over the Progrex beat so prepare for that, I suppose.

#25 – “Damocles” – Sleep Token

Produced by Carl Bown

Okay, Sleep Token, let’s try another single, why not? The semi-anonymous alternative “metal” band approaches Greek mythology with this third single and though I still do not like Vessel’s vocal, this one is at least less of a dirge, even if it is a ballad. Here, Vessel uses the story of a nobleman who keeps his sword above his throne as an analogy for his position in the music industry and his fear of falling out of favour with his fans, hence the chorus referencing his empire falling. The song is not too dissimilar from Lewis Capaldi considering the basic piano backing, wordy verses and distinctly annoying whining, but aside from some cringeworthy lyrics (“I can’t always be killing the game” – okay, man), this is one of their most listenable songs yet. It takes very few risks, going into straight-up Daniel Powter piano-rock in the second verse but the sweeter sound has plenty of flourishes that distract from Vessel’s voice and then they ruin it all by adding a gross chug metal section that just kind of drops into the mix for no reason and then taps out, without an effective build. It’s a shame that second chorus ended up like that, because the bridge’s approach to the same idea is great! The mix isn’t as overwhelmed by guitars because of the stop-and-start structure that fits perfectly with Vessel’s more dynamic vocal melody, it sounds great and it shows an example that they could easily do their gimmick in less egregious ways, especially with some pretty great drumming and the respite of the final chorus’ pleasant harmony vocals… until the metal comes back in, but this time, not only does it feel warranted thematically with all the ancient empire stakes, but there’s an epic drum fill that leads it in and a lot of awesome, technical drumming after the chorus peters out, with a lullaby piano outro. The stakes are there, they’re not undermined and don’t get me wrong, they are overwrought, but embracingly so – it reminds me of Avenged Sevenfold’s 2023 record, which I’ve always held in positive companion to Sleep Token’s from the same year. If they kept the Vanessa Carlton adult contemporary vibe for that second chorus so the bridge actually hit like it should with no pointless interruptions to an otherwise decently-constructed song (relative for Sleep Token standards), maybe this would actually be a decent song. In my opinion, at least, I know these guys have a big fanbase that are propelling these songs to chart and I respect that – the less I see the vision, the more I understand that it’s being adored by a lot of people. Hopefully Even in Arcadia has something for me hidden somewhere in there.

#17 – “Mystical Magical” – Benson Boone

Produced by Evan Blair

Sigh… the late Australian-English singer and pop idol Olivia Newton-John released “Physical” in 1981. It peaked at #7 in the UK that same year and you know where I’m going with this. “Under Pressure” by Queen and David Bowie was #1 that week and yes, Benson Boone interpolated “Physical” because it hasn’t been done enough by pop stars in the past five years. When I was first told that the chorus was basically just “Physical”, I assumed they just sounded similar but no, writers Steve Kipner and Terry Shaddick are credited on what might be Boone’s first miss in a while for me (and yet another miss in a pile of garbage for many others). He had already gone the 80s synthpop pastiche with his latest single “Sorry I’m Here for Someone Else”, so I shouldn’t be surprised, but this actually tones down the synths for a funk bass and doo-wop vocals as he pleads that this girl will know how good of a lover he is if she just gives him a chance. I’ve always found that song idea kind of gross, at least when it’s this obsessive, but when he’s crooning about “moonbeam ice cream” in both his falsetto and a theatrical voice that sounds like a joke (and also kind of like the fucking Sleep Token guy…), I’m left scratching my head to why this exists. Boone isn’t the kind of personality who can sell this, he’s a whiny asshole (not him personally, I’m sure) who yells over pop rock about God, pissy breakups and awkward situations at restaurants. He’s not fit to be a sex symbol and his utterly sexless rendition of a sex song should tell you exactly why. Also, on that lyrical note, Boone stated in a TikTok: “[I don’t know what the fuck] moonbeam ice cream is but it felt right. Leave me alone. I’m gonna make it a thing.” If that doesn’t speak to the image mismanagement this song is, I don’t know what does.

#11 – “What Was That” – Lorde

Produced by Lorde, Jim-E Stack and Daniel Nigro

New Zealand singer Lorde is back! After what some fans and critics deemed a disappointment with Solar Power, there is some pressure on Lorde to deliver especially with artists like Charli xcx and Chappell Roan bringing unabashed but still alternative pop to a higher position in 2024, with Lorde guest-starring on Charli’s remix for “Girl, so confusing”. This could be a hint towards a more electropop direction, but the album’s title Virgin and its cover art of her pelvic X-ray don’t exactly give any sonic hints, more so linking with her stating she attempted to make a document of her femininity with this album. When it comes to the lead single, she definitely is taking it back to the synthpop of Melodrama and by design as stated in her interview on BBC Radio 1. Lyrically, she’s singing about doing molly with her ex-partner and then comparing her lover to the cigarette they just smoked, saying that’s how she wants them. Maybe she has let that Charli remix influence her a tad. Jokes aside, it’s a breakup song that shares some parallels with Melodrama songs “Green Light” and “Perfect Places” given the embrace of drugs, lights, music and the dancefloor to wash over any form of insecurity and heartache.

The minimal approach is really intriguing to me – this kind of content seems like it could be attached to a rave song, but this is closer to future garage, with Lorde’s vocals being the loudest element over misty guitars and a synthetic bass that faces Lorde’s chorus directly as there is some very subtle rise. The drop filters its clipping, stray and tuneless synth in a distortion and panning that displays an ugliness over scraping, phasered bounce of the garage percussion which even includes some random actual scraping sounds. She’s yet to fully acknowledge the breakup, asking “baby, what was that?” as the relationship flickers past just like the initial molly high, it really works for the “lost weekend” experience she referenced having in London in that interview that inspired this album. The second pre-chorus is followed by a build – probably more accurately described as an interlude – that is really enveloping and then just scuppers away with a flutter before the final chorus, with the confusion that follows a brief moment of intense passion, love and euphoria being the song’s driving point. Overall, I think the track’s brilliant, it makes me want to revisit Melodrama for one because I remember really adoring that album, but it also has me excited for this new album that I feel could be more of a left-field swing that as being advertised. I love the lyric “I wear smoke like a wedding veil”, though the first verse as a whole I’m not too convinced on – there is a lack of sticky vocal melodies in the verses at least so far for me, and I’m still not too pleased with how the robotic vocal effects interact with Lorde’s voice. I had that problem on “Girl, so confusing”, but here the mix seems much more purposeful and I will be intrigued to see how that aspect of the album fits into the themes of femininity and that “lost weekend”. Completely on board here, which I haven’t been in a while for Lorde, will be intently waiting for whatever’s next.

Conclusion

Lorde gets the Best of the Week here for “What Was That”, though PinkPantheress is very close behind as you’d except with “Stateside”. As for the worst, it is damn right impressive that Sleep Token grab the Dishonourable Mention for the honestly not even bad “Damocles”, whilst Benson Boone blasts his best-of with a bumbling blunder like “Magical Mystical”. As for what’s on the horizon, Ed Sheeran, Mimi Webb, Don Toliver and LISA have new tracks but anything could happen, I’m always wrong about these things, watch Yung Lean debut at #1 or something ridiculous. For now, thank you for reading, long live Cola Boyy, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 26/04/2025 (Addison Rae, Morgan Wallen, Post Malone, Charli xcx)

For a sixth week, we have an ordinary week with Alex Warren’s “Ordinary” at the top of the UK Singles Chart. Welcome back to this “dubious” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, references to drugs, sex, divorce and generative AI

Rundown

As always, we start our week with the notable dropouts, those being songs exiting the UK Top 75 (which is what I cover) after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. Today, we unfortunately bid adieu to “Henry, come on” by Lana Del Rey immediately after the debut, in addition to “SMOKE THE PAIN AWAY” by Calvin Harris, “We Hug Now” by Sydney Rose, “Crush” by AJ Tracey and Jorja Smith (hopefully the album gives that a second wind soon), “Kisses” by BL3SS and CamrinWatsin featuring bbyclose, “Austin (Boots Stop Workin’)” by Dasha and, both off of the Record Store Day returns last week, “Guess” by Charli xcx featuring Billie Eilish and “Fortnight” by Taylor Swift featuring Post Malone.

As for what’s coming to replace them, we have our gains and returns. Firstly, bottom-dwellers “Iris” by the Goo Goo Dolls, “I Had Some Help” by Post Malone and Morgan Wallen (more on them later) and “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac are floating back to shore at #73, #71 and #70, same with “Sultans of Swing” by the Dire Straits once again back at #65. Outside of those pretty insignificant re-entries, we see some boosts for “Conceited” by Lola Young at #63, “Stick Season” by Noah Kahan at #60, “Too Sweet” by Hozier at #57, “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman at #51, “like JENNIE” by JENNIE at #48, “All I Ever Asked” by Rachel Chinouriri at #46, “Lose Control” and “The Door” by Teddy Swims at #40 and #37 respectively, “Abracadabra” by Lady Gaga at #36, “Shake it to the Max (FLY)” by MOLIY and Silent Addy at #25, “undressed” by sombr at #13 and, sigh, “Steve’s Lava Chicken” by Jack Black at #11. There was a pre-release single from the Minecraft soundtrack with Dave Grohl and Mark Ronson on it, yet it’s this nonsense that gets the chart run – I don’t have a preference per se (who cares?) but it’s funny to see this just below 200 units away from the top 10.

The top five on the UK Singles Chart should be very familiar to you: “Anxiety” by Doechii down to #5, “Show Me Love” by WizTheMc and bees & honey up to #4 (kind of surprised that one’s doing as well as it is), “Azizam” by Ed Sheeran at #3, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at #1. Now to get through a pretty standard week but with at least some… unique debuts, mostly this first one.

New Entries

#72 – “PASSO BEM SOLTO” – ATLXS

Produced by ATLXS

The first thing you see on a release’s page on streaming services will probably be the cover art, so it’s best to start there: according to the Hive model of real-time artificial intelligent content detection that I placed the art through, the hideous album cover of an anime girl in what appears to be Brazilian football gear is 97% likely to have been generated with AI tools like Midjourney. What a start – the record label this release was distributed with is titled “broke” so I guess they didn’t have the cash to hire an artist. Now let’s look through the song’s alternate versions. It’s pretty normal nowadays for a hit song, especially one big on TikTok, to have officially slowed and sped-up versions – just a marketing tactic, not unusual. Is it normal to have “super slowed” and “super sped-up” versions? Probably less so but, hey, why not milk that big hit by making as many versions as possible? You have to pay for all the… well, I was about to say cover art designers. If you’re fiending for something even slower, of course, you can go for the “ultra slowed” version. Or the “mega slowed” version. “Extreme slowed”. What is this, fucking Digimon?

Okay, who’s the guy behind all this? Well, ATLXS (hopefully pronounced “atlas”) is a supposedly anonymous 18-year-old producer (his songwriting credit shows his name is probably Diego Basile) from Italy who prides himself in making “Internet music”, with his specific style being a form of Brazilian funk popular on TikTok that is known as either funk automotivo or Brazilian phonk depending on who you ask. This particular song features the typical Brazilian funk rhythms and drums with overwhelming, leering synths you’d hear in drift phonk and an annoying vocal sample that is allegedly from Brazilian singer Anitta, though I don’t have a good source from that apart from Genius and I am not familiar enough with her voice to know, though I do understand she’s a big deal in Latin America so it very well could be. If so, it’s probably unauthorised, and I can’t find the original Anitta track by searching the lyrics or sample databases like WhoSampled. For whatever reason, the slowed version is the most popular, though realistically, it’s the same structure nearly copy-pasted to barely make less than two minutes of music that could be relatively exciting but doesn’t really have much of a build. You know what does? “NEXT!” by NCTS, another “anonymous” producer (Max Goralczyk) on the same “broke” label who copped the same sample and uses it a tad more interestingly. His song, standing on more streams of the original than ATLXS’ at this writing, has much more developed melodic elements, a more interesting phonk lead and a manic stuttering of the could-be-Anitta-could-be-a-not-her sample and overall more distorted mixing that makes for a very unique build. It’s not a great song, but it’s something else that felt like it had more put into it, even if it sounds worse on a technical level. The slowed version – it seems like this label’s gimmick is the “super slowed” spam garbage – actually helps you sit with the melodic elements more, I probably prefer it. That’s not the song charting though, technically, though Mr. Goralczyk also labels himself as “Internet music” and uses AI-generated artwork:

I don’t know exactly what the kids call “brainrot” nowadays, but all this shit should fall right into that category. The songs are listenable but it really makes you question what the Hell is even going on across the Internet these days.

#69 – “party 4 u” – Charli xcx

Produced by A.G. Cook

Back to something I understand: Charli xcx. Thanks to a performance at Coachella, which I’m sure has boosted a lot of charting songs’ TikTok stats and can be cited for boosts this week, we have a much older Charli xcx song than her BRAT fare, though still recent as this track comes from how i’m feeling now, her 2020 pandemic-era effort executive-produced by PC Music’s A.G. Cook. I float between that album, Pop 2 and Charli in terms of my favourite full-length efforts from Ms. xcx, though “anthems” off of this tracklist is probably my favourite song, maybe tied with “Gone” from Charli. I also loved the artwork for the album, but that’s been replaced with shitpost text for around a year now. “party 4 u” was first played at a 2017 set and had been previewed by Charli and A.G. for years before 2020, with it being an unreleased fan favourite that never made the cut until a more homely, honest album like how i’m feeling now.

The song’s lyrical conceit about throwing a party for someone who can’t be there fits right into the quarantine timing of the release, featuring both home recordings and a sample of the crowd from her 2019 Brixton Academy show that further strengthen that distance between Charli and the intended recipient – probably her boyfriend at the time given the birthday references in the lyrics – in one of her most longing, melancholy tracks. Drizzled in Auto-Tune, A.G.’s sprinkling pads give Charli’s off-kilter moans some real drama, whilst the watered-down trap percussion keeps the emotion locked inside the home she’s sat all alone “celebrating”. Her devastated triplet-flow yelling in the second verse may be one of my favourite Charli performances, the promises of what she’s willing to give for just their attendance ringing out like the phone calls she never got a response to, with the layered backing vocal harmony of “Why [are] you treating me like someone that you never loved?” being one of my favourite moments. A similarly distant, alien vocal effects returns with the bait-and-switch following a sprawling bubblegum bass build that leaves the song blank, just Charli vocodered repeating the same meaningless phrases as a chasm builds around her of gnarly synth bass, distorted claps and layers of Charli vocal lines pleading that this person realises the hurt they’ve left behind. The elements drift away and leave only Charli’s most effected and inhuman-sounding vocal takes playing over the concert footage. The constant false build and the lyrical details make this one of Charli’s most effective ballads. “Birthday cake in August, but you were born 19th of June” is my favourite line because it implies that this “party” she’s throwing is an apology for missing that birthday, which makes the partner’s non-presence even more crushing. I don’t know exactly if this will last, but I damn sure hope it does, it’s one of her best songs.

#50 – “I Ain’t Comin’ Back” – Morgan Wallen featuring Post Malone

Produced by Joey Moi

“I ain’t comin’ back”, he says, two weeks before releasing an album with more than 30 tracks. I will give this newest duet from country bro Morgan Wallen and his face-tatted sidekick, former rapper Post Malone some credit, and not just for the buddy comedy potential if you starred the two in a stoner film together. Joey Moi seems to have taken from his co-producer Charlie Handsome and created something a bit more dreamy for the guys with the layers of guitar here, which do sound great sprawled over the otherwise typical, stiff drum beat that is very much a Joey Moi drum beat. Speaking of production issues Moi falls into, the vocal mix is also off, almost amateur-sounding, especially with the notable processing and Auto-Tune on Wallen that sounds horrible and fuzzy at times (it’s very obvious on the short bridge), which really doesn’t help the song’s wistful melodic decoration. Post fits in much better given the vocal layering and his rougher warbling tone being much more fit for atmospherics given his history in R&B. Lyrically, I think this song is an incredibly catchy piss-off, I actually love the country details and Wallen appropriating the cowboy image, especially with the incredibly corny but hilarious wham line of “There’s a lot of reasons I ain’t Jesus but the main one is that I ain’t comin’ back”. Honestly, if Post had sung the entire track and the vocal engineer was fired and replaced, this could be a pretty great country-pop throwback with some edge to it, especially with Post revealing some of the messier parts of this breakup that show they aren’t exactly the rebel cowboy travellin’ men they claim to be and that this ex-girlfriend doesn’t exactly want them to come back anyway. Why this is a duet, I have no idea, but gay cowboys are a trope… Hell, Morgan Wallen sings “half of this town has got a name for me and I can’t say I don’t agree”, hinting towards a sordid reputation in his small town, no Jason Aldean intended. It’s a bitter breakup with a woman with biblical imagery in which Morgan and Post prefer the road to this relationship, probably because they can spend more time at the bar with the guys given the references to whisky, tobacco, getting stoned. He also sings about being a gambler and getting “even in his ’97 Chevy”… yeah, my headcanon is that Morgan and Post leave their respective girlfriends to start a homosexual relationship in the truck they share. There are a lot of reasons they aren’t Jesus after all, “I ain’t comin’ back” is just the main one.

#24 – “Headphones On” – Addison Rae

Produced by Luka Kloser and Elvira Anderfjärd

I do see the appeal in Addison Rae, though not to the larger audience she has. Her music is a distilled form of everything the r/popheads subreddit would enjoy and that’s all good and fine but that does mean it lacks a grander sense of personality for the mass audience she’s somehow attracted, I assume through her TikTok following. Regardless, she seems poised to make a splash with her full-length debut Addison, this being yet another single from it. Given we’ve seen an example of hyperpop done really well still within a mainstream sphere just earlier this week, I doubt Ms. Rae and her signature producer duo of Mr. Kloser and Ms. ELVIRA will fare as well, but lyrically, there is something a bit more intriguing here. In the one verse, she compares herself to the “it girl” trope, acknowledging the mindless jealousy of constantly chasing up with trends and how wanting to be perfect and have her popularity last forever probably stems from her parents’ divorce. I find the clash of imagery in the chorus – which you can see aptly in the cover art, with her wearing a hoodie and flashy pink hair in a rough but beautiful scene of nature – very interesting. The kind of pop star who deals with pain by letting her hair down and taking a walk in the rain quietly listening to her favourite music isn’t always the same kind of pop star who deals with pain by playing up to her image, getting dolled up and smoking cigarettes – it’s a nice balance to have the chorus and post-chorus contrast so heavily in imagery but have them both stem from the same pain.

Sonically, there’s something more to this too – Addison Rae is still an incredibly uninspiring vocalist, but the instrumentation is closer to indie pop and soul, with a bizarre, low-pitch howling vocal loop used as an intro before abruptly moving into an empty groove that allegedly interpolates Edie Brickell’s iconic but terrible 1988 song “What I Am” – she’s not credited as a writer though, and I can’t really hear it too clearly. I do find the execution of the good ideas here lacking, frankly – the song’s mix is still very empty with much of its elements still as airy as her other dance-pop stuff. I do love the pre-chorus melody, it works brilliantly with the strings (which are a tad dry), but Rae’s delivery, especially the half-spoken cadences in the post-chorus, leaves a lot to be desired personality-wise and can be pretty clunky. It does remind me of how Madonna would have delivered this song back in the 90s with the trip hop-adjacent drum track and the spoken bridge, but she had much clearer texture to her voice, something richer and sensual that Rae for now is lacking. The fuzzy, distorted vocal in the outro that sounds extracted from another song and awkwardly placed in this one is a fascinating choice though, especially when it leads to what may as well be G-funk keys before the song does ends with a swoosh. I feel like they had no idea how to finish the song so smattered some elements together but that does help it stick out from her other, less interesting songs. I’m not exactly… “excited” for that debut album, but this single did help me see some light in regards to Addison Rae that I hadn’t seen before, a void she could potentially fill but just doesn’t have the voice for.

Conclusion

It was a slow but relatively interesting week here, with the Best of the Week following out incredibly easy with “party 4 u” by Charli xcx, though honestly I’ll give Morgan Wallen and Post Malone a tied Honourable Mention for “I Ain’t Comin’ Back” alongside Addison Rae’s “Headphones On”. They’re both just alright tracks that could be a lot better but are still pleasant and could grow on me. Worst of the Week goes to Italian-Brazilian funk TikTok mega-ultra-extreme-slowed brianrot shit, but next episode, we could have some more going on with with new music from Lorde, Zara Larsson, Myles Smith, Tom Odell, Sam Fender, PinkPantheress, Myles Smith, Megan Thee Stallion, Kali Uchis and God forbid, Ye. For now, however, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Roy Thomas Baker, and I’ll see you next week!

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 19/04/2025 (Jack Black, Lana Del Rey)

For a fifth week, Alex Warren sits at #1 on the UK Singles Chart with “Ordinary”. Welcome back to this “suspicious” series, REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

content warning: language, discussion of abusive relationships

Rundown

As always, we start off our week with the notable dropouts, songs exiting the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This episode, we bid adieu to a lot of basically brand new hits like “dandelion” and “intro (end of the world)” by Ariana Grande, “DILEMMA” by Nemzzz featuring Central Cee, “Emergence” by Sleep Token (not complaining), “RATHER LIE” (or “HALF AI”) by Playboi Carti and The Weeknd, as well as some much older tracks, namely “Sultans of Swing” by Dire Straits and “Everywhere” by Fleetwood Mac.

The biggest story this week, probably even including our debuts, would be Record Store Day landing within the sales week, with exclusive vinyl releases supporting re-entries for “Guess” by Charli xcx featuring Billie Eilish at #44 and “Fortnight” by Taylor Swift featuring Post Malone at #29 – this high sales week may give the tracks just a few more weeks here, but they’re plenty contemporary anyway, I’m just not a big fan of either. We also see gains for “No Bad Vibes” by Jazzy and KILIMANJARO at #65, “Hairdresser” by Skye Newman at #56, “like JENNIE” by JENNIE at #53, “Shake it to the Max (FLY)” by MOLIY and Silent Addy at #35, Morgan Seatree’s remix of “Say My Name” by Florence + the Machine at #25, “undressed” by sombr at #19 (more on him later), and finally, Ravyn Lenae grabbing her first ever UK top 10 with “Love Me Not” at #10.

As for our top five this week, we see many familiar faces – “Sports car” by Tate McRae is up to #5 and the rest are non-movers: “Anxiety” by Doechii at #4, last week’s big debut “Azizam” by Ed Sheeran at #3, “Pink Pony Club” by Chappell Roan at #2 and of course, Mr. Warren at the very top. Now to look through our manageable batch of new songs we have lined up for this week.

New Entries

#69 – “Conceited” – Lola Young

Produced by Solomonophonic

Well, it’s about time that Lola Young got a follow-up single for “Messy”, with this not being new but instead pushed from that same sophomore album, This Wasn’t Meant for You Anyway. Released as a single all the way back in 2023, it shares a producer with “Messy” in Solomonophonic so it could end up having a successful sleeper run though probably not to the same extent as I wouldn’t hazard that she gets another five-week #1 at any point soon. Is the song as good though? Well, it’s not what I expected, with a distorted bassline warbling alongside a noisy synth that, in the best way possible, sounds chirpy and horrible, before it’s splattered under boom-bap drums. Lola delivers a bitter, pissy recall about this guy who shit-talks her to his friends, smells awful and always comes back to her despite their relationship not meaning anything anymore – his kiss doesn’t “taste like anything” when she’s not had a drink, it’s kind of brutal. Midway through the first verse, this extra layer that sounds like a vocodered groan comes in, it’s great and adds a funky bounce to a purposefully stagnant and minimal song. Even the chorus doesn’t seem to want to be one, repeating “I don’t want to hear it” with Lola improvising furious inflections that take the catchiness out of the melody, it’s actually an interesting approach that is similar to “Messy” but ends up with a much different product, one that embraces a dirtier sound. In the second verse, she ends up gathering a lot of power from this pitiful relationship, becoming a toxic manipulator and enjoying seeing him lose composure in response to her non-answers, with a build-up of keys and multi-tracking soaring up with her until that second chorus comes out of nowhere with genuinely noisy rock grit I had no idea was coming. The drums are a massive clash that dominate the mix alongside stray guitars that leave a surprising amount of empty space for her vocals to doddle around between. Sure, I wish there was more of a bridge but unlike “Messy”, this solo is groovy as hell and doesn’t ruin the song’s momentum, by only kicking in at the end and sounding like a final middle finger to this guy after the revenge fantasy. With him gone, she’s better off strumming her own guitar, so to speak. I liked “Messy” fine enough, and I have my doubts that this will be a worthwhile follow-up commercially considering it’s kind of an anti-hit, but I think this is my favourite I’ve heard from her so far. I may need to check out that album eventually.

#58 – “All I Ever Asked” – Rachel Chinouriri

Produced by Daniel Hylton and Oli Bayston

This song appears on a Record Store Day vinyl record, a re-release pressing of London singer Rachel Chinouriri’s 2022 EP Better Off Without, which featured this track, already released as a single months prior. The song was then on their 2024 debut album, What a Devastating Turn of Events (peaked at #17 on the albums chart), with a bonus acoustic version on the deluxe. Later in 2024, she released a live version on her EP Live at KOKO, and in February of this year, she released a duet version with sombr (of all people)… then on this day of writing, she released a “Short n’ Sweet version” (which is actually marginally longer, the subtitle refers to Sabrina Carpenter’s tour that she opened for). All that is to say is that I respect the grind and dedication for this particular song, which has finally appeared in the top 75 after literally three years of promotion. The song did chart last week at #78 but it’s in my realm now and was it worth the promotion?

Well… it definitely makes sense for 2025, where this type of desaturated guitar-pop is having a big moment, especially the more low-key and honest singers in this lane that Chinouriri fits in well with thanks to her more unique, rawer tone she brings on the vocal front. It’s a shame that the drums feel pretty stock as they often do in this genre, but the synths in the chorus are pretty, I like the texture they bring since they match her higher register in sounding just a bit uncertain and cautious about asking her partner for the bare minimum. That content is sold well, it’s aptly melancholy and whilst it’s lacking in the kind of specific lyrical detail I tend to enjoy, but it still follows the song’s emotional conceit coherently and focuses on the partner specifically and the lack of time they gave her. I like to think that the lack of time Chinouriri gives to either her part in the relationship or any of the good times (if there were any) is her way of saying that when she’s exasperated with this lack of care, all she can think about is the response to what she does for them and not any of what actually happened – her brain is clouded with the bare minimum that she’s working so hard for and the relationship becomes transactional. On the Short n’ Sweet tour version, she tells the audience when the chorus comes in and ask them to sing it, prompting a back-and-forth that I think is actually quite cute, even if the acoustic guitars overall I find plucky and dull – there is a groovy moment in the second post-chorus that shines in this live version, however, and she sounds great, with those extra crowd voices lending more drama to the relationship, I do really enjoy that version. This also happens to be the only version that wasn’t out during the tracking week because of course, but the Live at KOKO version has a similar vibe even if without most of the audience interplay outside of the bridge, a louder crowd and some shout-outs at the end. Oh, and the sombr version tries to create a back-and-forth where he reassures Chinouriri that he did adore her… but something strikes me about this sombr guy that he can’t play this guy who had relationship issues without making it seem like it’s all the girl’s fault. “You gave up on me, I’d always try to make it right”, “You think I’m a liar”, just play the bad guy, sombr, your whiny emo voice would be good at it. At least it’s his best song on default of a talented singer being involved.

#48 – “Blink Twice” – Shaboozey and Myles Smiith

Produced by HAFFWAY, Sean Cook and Nevin Sastry

Shaboozey is releasing a deluxe version of his Where I’ve Been isn’t Where I’m Going album, with the bonus tracks having plenty of new collaborations, including one I wasn’t too excited for: Myles Smith. His work has mostly bored or annoyed me thus far, but I was pretty sure he’d still fit well with Shaboozey’s style, just not serving too much of a purpose, neither detracting or improving the song. Realistically, the two have similarly clean, echoed, pop-oriented, acoustic guitar-focused styles that revive stomp-clap rhythms, it’s just that Shaboozey’s more country and will sometimes go for rap cadences – that full album does have some cool, smokier moments on it, none of which are found on this “ending credits to a 2010s family film” type beat. The acoustics are once again really plucky and not as wistful as they should be amidst a lot of swooshing production you’d hear in any given Myles Smith song, and for Shaboozey, it has a lot less oomph and passion to it, even in that fiddle giving up on itself in the post-chorus. Lyrically, it's about being exhausted, becoming numb to the person you appear to be whilst your life goes faster than it ever has been, yet drinking up anyway and doing anything to feel alive, but it never actually lands on a compelling hook about that. The chorus incorporates how meaningless the fun is and the carpe diem themes, but not in a way that gives any extra depth to the verses that honestly end up sounding pretty confused, just full of phrases that you could place in this song’s theme without the connective tissue. Sonically, the track goes in the same direction, read: nowhere, after Myles Smith comes in, and I question why it needed to be a duet at all. It just feels… aborted, a rushed collaboration without good reason to exist, and that’s a shame. I hope the other tracks, some featuring Sierra Ferrell and Jelly Roll, are as “complete” as the album’s “complete edition” subtitle promises.

#30 – “Henry, come on” – Lana Del Rey

Produced by Lana Del Rey and Luke Laird

Lana’s tenth album, first titled Lasso, is out this summer… I think, at least, it’s had its title changed twice – the first time to The Right Person Will Stay and the second to whatever it will release as – and its release date is a mystery. Lana, who I assume I don’t have to introduce to you at this point, let spill that it was May 21st before acknowledging that it probably won’t come out “on time”. Regardless, she has at least provided a small look into how the album will sound with its lead single, “Henry, come on”.

Boy, if you were sick of rootsy, low-key acoustic guitar tracks this week, we’ve got another one headed up, though thanks to Lana being such a distinct vocal presence, with her signature sultriness dripped in the same reverb and echo it often is. The guitar is also laid barer here, with Lana using the character of “Henry” to signal the end of an on-and-off relationship that has overstayed its welcome, Lana being as exact and commanding as possible about it just being over, in a way that starts off sounding like Henry is a bit of a pathetic guy who latches on, fucks it up continually and Lana just stays with him out of pity, but as the song continues, more layers to Lana’s character seem to open, the song blossoming from its close, enwrapped domestic scene to a string-adorned listing of country iconography in the pre-chorus. There’s still the acknowledgement that the relationship was actually fun, and that initial bluntness, followed by a build-up of aesthetics, leads into a more inward-looking chorus where the lifestyle this guy lived is much clearer: a reckless cowboy, ambitious in his dreams and careless in his execution, yet Lana excuses him as not even being the reason she “turned out so dangerous” – no, it’s fate. God has communicated with her, designating her as the woman born to be the pacifier of the ambitious man, a role she can’t bring herself to fulfil.

Once that final line in the chorus is dropped, the excellently-produced strings courtesy of Drew Erickson really kick into gear, replacing her feathery register and adding a really ascendant touch that hilariously fades out for the second verse’s starting line admission of “I’ll still be nice to your mom”. That second verse in particular is quite devastating to me, it’s a complete put-on by Lana that would probably be healthier for her to follow and leave him, but she’s not putting much grit into that final goodbye. It’s spaced-out and quiet, reaching a cracked murmur in the line “They just fly away” which really hits. There’s a warmth and heart to this that makes me understand why that album may be delayed, especially with lightly comedic patches she adds to a tough, long-wrought decision that feels more overdue as the song passes through its five-minute runtime. It’s an old country slow dance, except you move further and further away from the partner you’re two-stepping with as the night goes on, not into the hands of anyone else but into a whole world of unknowns. Beautiful song, I don’t think it’ll last on the charts, she doesn’t tend to, but it deserves to – hope that album’s worth the wait.

#21 – “Steve’s Lava Chicken” – Jack Black

Produced by John Spiker

If this is not your first episode of the show and you think I’ve watched the Minecraft movie, you must have been reading a badly Google-translated version of REVIEWING THE CHARTS. I don’t even watch the films I am interested in seeing that chart songs, let alone a film about Minecraft starring Jack Black. Regardless, if you wanted to know what I think about “Steve’s Lava Chicken”, which at 34 seconds is now the shortest song to ever hit the top 40 (an extended version at 1:15 was released the day of writing)… that is too bad. You know what I really like, though? “Re-Rewind” by Artful Dodger featuring Craig David. Making moves, on the dancefloor, got our groove on dancing real hardcore. From the front to the back, that’s where I was at. You know Artful Dodger do it like that! With Craig David all over your BOINK! DJ, it’s all up to you. When the crowd goes wild, tell me what you’re going to do, because you’re definitely not playing “Steve’s Lava Chicken”. And that goes out to all the DJs.

Conclusion

There was a decent amount of quality to be found in this shorter week, but Lana Del Rey runs away with Best of the Week for “Henry, come on”, with Lola Young’s “Conceited” getting the Honourable Mention. I like Chinouriri’s song fine, I can see it growing on me, and the last song takes less time to listen to than it does to write this part of the episode anyway and – oh, it’s just finished. Worst of the Week goes to Shaboozey and Myles Smith for “Blink Twice”, we’ll probably end up with more Lana next week alongside Addison Rae, maybe Morgan Wallen and Fontaines, but time with tell. For now, thank you for reading, rest in peace to Colin Berry and Max Romeo, and I’ll see you next week!