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mockerycrow · 1 year ago

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Undercover V (Soap x GN!Reader)

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Summary: Your stress is staying at it’s peak for the time being as you come to terms that you’re staying under a secure watch until you’re properly evaluated, under the wise eyes of John “Soap” MacTavish. Chapter five, otherwise known as “babysitting duty”.

A/N: I’m so sorry for taking literally a month for this chapter. I’m so glad you guys are still loving this series. This a bit of a humorous filler, so I apologize. Next chapter will have more story!! <3

[WARNINGS: Mentions of genocide and human trafficking, inaccurate medical stuff.]

“Truth has many shades; it is not a matter of black and white, but grey.” -Morgan Freeman.

AFTER MY WHOLE failed evaluation, they allowed me to rest again, which I’m half thankful for, half not. I got a few hours of sleep in, but not enough to feel good about. The ache of sitting in a bed for a couple days is finally beginning to kick in so much so that I can’t sleep. I woke up really early in the morning, around 3 AM. I wasn’t surprised to see the lights in my room to be off, but I was surprised to vaguely see a figure in my room which at first freaked me the fuck out, but I quickly realized was Soap. I can’t make his features out enough to see if he’s awake or not, but I don’t care.

I need to get out of this damn bed.

I move my handcuffed hand a bit to grasp onto the hospital bed railing and I begin to slowly pull myself from my bed, hissing as new aches bloom across my healing wounds. Especially my damn stomach area, fuck. I ignore the pain blooming underneath my skin and I manage to get myself into a sitting position, and I can already feel some relief hitting me once I’m not laying back against a surface. I slowly curl one of my legs up, a soft noise leaving my lips as I feel my muscles in my leg thank me for bending my leg. I hear Soap stir, but I don’t pay him any mind. He makes a “hmm?” sound as I take a slow deep breath, allowing the aches in my wounds to subside.

“What’re you doin’?” Soap grumbles out, voice thick and heavy with sleep, making him a bit hard to understand when combined with his accent. He inhales loudly as he stretches and I glance at my handcuffs. “Sitting up.” I reply curtly. Can he not fucking see??

..I forgot it’s dark in here. Anyway..

“Ya need to lay back down and rest—“ I groan. “All I’ve been doing is laying down! My back fuckin’ hurts, man! I’m tired of sitting here like a wet noodle.” Soap gets up from his seat and walks closer to me—which isn’t that far of a distance, honestly, since Soap’s chair is considerably close to my bed. I notice his gloves are still on as he puts a hand on my shoulder, which he must’ve chosen the sore shoulder because I since and shy away from his touch. “Ow.”

Soap quickly retracts his hand, wincing himself in sympathy. “Look, it’s late, aye? Why don’t ya lay down fer now, have tha’ doctors help you in the mornin’?” His eyes glance up at the clock up on the wall, squinting his eyes to look as it’s dark in here. I groan and bite my lip, silently licking and choosing my battles. He is right, it’s much better for me to wait until the doctors or nurses come and help me. I sigh and make a motion with my free hand. “Alright.”

I manage to get myself laid back onto the bed, and I keep looking at my handcuffs. I move my cuffed hand around as I look at Mohawk, gesturing to my cuffed wrist now. “Okay, tell me how truly necessary this is. It’s getting a bit tiring.” My tone is a bit.. curt, and I don’t mean it, but I’m getting antsy in this room and I fucking hate just laying here. I’m uses to being out on the field, so sitting in one place doesn’t do me much good. Soap snorts as he sits himself back in his chair and without looking, grabs his sketchbook notebook thing from where he stuffed it between my mattress and the frame of the hospital type bed. “I dinnae ken how i can say this in a nicer way but, you’re.. considered a risk of some sort by the dafties overseein’ ya.”

I blink at him for a moment and he has a sheepish look on his face, his free hand coming up behind his head and scratching it. I pretend that I know one hundred of what he said—look, sometimes Scottish accents are hard to understand. “You’re one of the ‘dafties’ overseeing me.”

“You know what I mean!” Soap grumbles. I pause for a moment and keep my eyes on him, my fingers absentmindedly drawing patterns into the fabric of my blanket. “Do you think I’m a risk, Soap?”

Soap takes a moment to look back at me, and I mean really look back at me. His eyes pierce through mine again, taking in every detail of my face—and that causes me to look away again, because it makes me feel weird. “I mean.. Maybe. If I had ta’make the final decision, I’d let ya roam, but with someone to watch over ya.” His voice is serious as he seemingly tells me the truth about what he thinks. In a way, I find comfort in his words but I also.. don’t.

It hurts to know that they consider me so unstable.

“You should go back ta’sleep.”

I don’t answer and I look down at my fingers as my index finger scratches at the corner of my thumbnail. It feels like my damn nerves are on fire. “Can’t.” I mutter, and I curse myself when my voice is barely audible. Soap seems to catch what I said, though, because his eyebrow raises in an questioning manner. “Ya haven’t even tried,” He retorts, nearly snorting. Soap wipes his eyes as I huff—he’s right, I haven’t, but I know I won’t be able to. I look over at the clock on the wall, as if I could will time to go by faster. I let out a quiet noise as I shift myself a bit, a subtle painful ache settling back into my jaw and my abdomen. Oh yeah—I’m injured. It’s not like I forgot but, I’ve been so pumped of drugs this entire time, so I haven’t felt much since waking up the first time in this bed. I try to cross my arms, but my damn hand is still handcuffed!

Oh, god fucking dammit, I wanna get out of this bed!

“Stop actin’ like a wee bairn.” Soap snorts as he glances over at me again, then back down at his sketchbook notebook thing. I should probably ask what it is. “I don’t even know what the fuck that means.” I hiss with as much venom as I can muster, which isn’t much because I’m… cuffed to a bed. God. I hate this.

“Oh, lemme translate for ya.. Stop actin’ like a baby. Better?” He questions, pencil in hand. “Sure.” I mutter. I eye the pencil. “What is that?” I ask, pointing over to his general direction. “What is what?” Soap murmurs before holding up the notebook sketchbook thing. “This? It’s a sketchbook.” Ah, okay. I don’t have to call it that super long name now. Sketchbook, it is. I nod quietly as I glance around the room, trying to find something to focus on. It’s not like they could give me my phone. I wouldn’t be surprised if Makarov took it, destroyed it maybe.

….

Makarov.

I feel my heart suddenly drop into my gut and dig deep to stay there. Makarov.. He’s one hell of a man, that’s for sure. Can I even call him a man? He’s not a human being by my standards, anyway. The things I’ve seen him do, the things I’ve seen him order others to do—me to do.. He’s the worlds single largest threat and he’s in the wind. My fingers grasp at my blanket. He is not loyal to any country, he’s not loyal to any creed—he slaughters for his own gain, he doesn’t flinch at anything. Not human trafficking, genocide, fucking hell, what am I saying?? He’s the one doing the genocide! Just the simple thought of him makes my hair stand up and I hate that. I’m going to have to expose myself to these people, what I did to seem loyal—no, I’m not going to excuse it. Yeah, sure, I did it under the guise of loyalty, but I hurt a lot of fucking people. Any regular civilian would call for my death, but what they don’t understand is that when you’re fighting a war and trying to prevent a bigger one, one that will end in M.A.D? You do what you have to do. You turn your brain off, you pull the trigger.

I don’t know what to think anymore.

Something nudges my leg which snaps me out of my daze—it’s Soap’s boot. He puts his foot back on the ground when he has my attention. His eyebrow is slightly pulled in, the outer edge of his lip is pulled tight for a moment. “Get out of yer head there, mm? Look, let’s play a little game, shall we?”

I groan and I look up at the ceiling. “I feel like I’m being babysat when you say that.” Soap grins. “Ya are. Anyway—give me a, uh.. give me a thing to draw.” I blink at his words and I decide to not point out what he just said. I grumble and shrug. “I don’t know,” I began, glancing around the room at the different medical posters plastered on the walls—one of them on a program offered to help others to quit smoking. Bet that hasn’t helped too many. “A dog.”

Soap shakes his head as I began to say those words. “No, pick somethin’ else.” I raise an eyebrow at how quick he denied my request. “No, I want you to draw a dog.” I challenge, watching the way he twirls the pencil between his fingers. “Choose somethin’ else, I’m not drawin’ a dog.” My heart monitor begins to beep faster and Soap puts his hands up defensively. “Steamin’ Jesus, gettin’ worked up over the drawing? I’ll draw ya a cat instead, calm ya tits.”

I try to cover my snort of amusement because that wasn’t even on purpose. Soap is hunched over his sketchbook and I watch his pencil wisp across the paper, and I notice an indent on Soap’s cheek, almost like he bites the inside of it or sucks on the inside as he focuses. Huh. Makes me wonder if he does that on missions, too. I turn my head again and read the clock—it’s 3:30ish, maybe 3:40 AM. I only glanced at it before looking back at Soap.

I think I’ll actually break these handcuffs and end my life by breaking off pieces of the drywall and consuming it if this is how the next few hours will be spent.

“Y’know, my L.T. told me a joke concernin’ a dog.”

L.T.? Lieutenant, I’m assuming. I don’t say anything, but I look at him. Soap looks up from his sketchbook with a grin on his face again. “Wha’has two legs and bleeds?”

“A dog,” I respond.

“Half a dog.” He corrects me.

I blink at him slowly before trying to subdue the smile appearing on my face. I’m smiling because it’s stupid. “That’s dumb.” Soap inhales through his teeth as his pencil strokes across the paper. “Oooh, don’t let my L.T. hear that, yeah? The man loves his jokes.” My eyes watch his hand holding the pencil as I speak. “So,” I begin. “Your team is.. who exactly, again? You, Price, who else?” Soap hums. “Well, there’s me—I’m a sergeant. There’s Gaz, who’s also a sergeant. You’ve met Price, he’s my cap’n, and then there’s ‘The Ghost’.” He chuckles, glancing at me for a moment. “He’s my L.T.”

“‘The Ghost’?” I question, raising an eyebrow. Sounds like a name a middle schooler puts down for their kahoot game. Soap looks back at his sketchbook. “Well, it’s just Ghost. That’s just what he goes by.”

Edgy, damn…

“Hm. That’s the 141, then?” I bite back saying something about how they waterboarded me, because I know deep down that won’t help anyone. I’m trying to not think about all the damn torture I’ve endured this year because I find it quite annoying when my chest tightens so harshly—to the point where I can’t fucking breathe. Damn panic attacks.

Soap clears his throat and grins, erasing something before swiping the eraser shavings to the side. “All done. Wanna see?” He looks at me expectantly and I motion for him to show me. Soap turns his sketchbook towards me and he’s sketched out a messy, yet well put together drawing of a cat. He drew it in just a few minutes so it isn’t the most detailed, but it’s quite amazing for the time span he drew it in. “Oh, damn,” I say in quiet awe. “I thought you were just going to.. draw a little fella, I dunno.” I wince as my jaw pulses sharp pain through my nerves and my hand instinctively shoot’s up to cup my jaw. Soap’s sharp gaze lingers where my hand is for a moment before he shuts his sketchbook and stuffs it back between the mattress and the hospital bed frame. He grunts as he stands up and leans over me, his finger pressing the red call button on the remote near my pillow. He probably noticed my pain. “Thanks,” I mumble, my hand remaining on my cheek. My eyes flutter shut as the pain begins to intensify, so much so that I don’t notice another presence beside me until they utter my name. I eyes shoot open quickly, my body tense, but I quickly relax when I see it’s a nurse. “The Sergeant here told me you’re feeling some pain. Do you mind rating it on a scale of one to ten?” The nurse murmurs. The nurse is a man with long brown hair that’s tied up neatly into a bun. He has a darker colored beard with red hairs around his mustache and lower lip, dawning square-ish glasses.

“It’s at a four right now,” I respond, glancing at my IV lines before looking at the nurse’s gloves. “It’s climbing, though.”

The nurse hums and writes down my symptoms on a sticky note. “I’m going to go get you a small dose of a narcotic for you, alright? Usually I would give you some tylenol, but you’ve had some extensive medical care.”

I blink. Oh wow. A narcotic?

Soap grins and pokes me with the eraser of his pencil. “Looks like I’ll be babysittin’ ya fer a while more, yeah?”

Fuck.

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sunsetkerr · 1 year ago

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10 THINGS Y/N L/N CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT | s.kerr

summary: british gq releases a video of you and the ten things you can't live without. [1k words]

pairing: singer!reader x sam kerr

notes: another singer!reader!!!!!

[STUDIO; BLUE BACKGROUND, Y/N SITTING AT A WHITE TABLE. TEN ITEMS SAT IN FRONT OF HER]

Y/N L/N: Hi GQ, I'm Y/N L/N and these are ten things that I can't live without.

[SHOTS OF VARIOUS ITEMS FLASH ONTO THE SCREEN; A LIP BALM, A PHONE, A VAN CLEEF CLOVER BRACELET, A VOCAL CORD STEAMER]

[CLIP OF AN IPHONE 13]

'1) PHONE'

Y/N L/N: So this is my phone, I don't go anywhere without it. I figured we could get the boring stuff out of the way first (LAUGHS). I know everyone comes and watches these and watches people pull their phones out and collectively groans. (WHISPERS) I'm sorry.

[Y/N CLICKS ON THE HOME SCREEN. A PICTURE OF SAM ON THE BEACH POPS UP WITH THE TIME OVERLAPPING IT]

Y/N L/N: Nothing special really until you see the home screen. It's a picture of Sam from the very first time we went to Fremantle together to meet her family. I had never been to Fremantle before, so it was very cool and I met all of her family, it was one of my favourite trips we had ever been on together. Very special.

[CLIP OF A MACBOOK AIR, THERE IS A NUMBER 20 STICKER SITTING IN THE BOTTOM CORNER]

'2) LAPTOP'

Y/N L/N: I don't ever go anywhere without my laptop. I like having it on me, I'm not sure why. I don't go on holidays without it, or stay at a friends place without it. I never know when I'll need it. She always comes in handy, and because it's a MacBook I can text and FaceTime on it if my phone dies.

[CLIP OF A VAN CLEEF BRACELET SAT ON Y/N'S WRIST]

'3) BRACELET'

Y/N L/N: Okay, so this bracelet is very special to me. Sam gave it to me on our first anniversary. It's a Van Cleef Alhambra bracelet and we both have one which I think is sweet. So if I'm not with Sam, I like to have it on so I can think of her... (PAUSES) That was a little lame, wasn't it?

[CLIP OF A GOLDEN RING, A CLOVER SHAPE]

'4) RING'

Y/N L/N: I feel like I'm just talking about Sam, and maybe I am, but I don't care. Anyway, this is my ring that Sam also got for me, it's also from Van Cleef.

[CLOSE UP OF THE RING; GOLD DETAILING IN THEN CENTRE OF THE CLOVER]

Y/N L/N: It matches my bracelet which is nice. I try to wear it on every red carpet or event that I go to, because usually I'm wearing clothes and jewellery that don't belong to me, so having this makes me feel like I've got a little piece of me on the night.

[CLIP OF A GREEN VOCAL STEAMER]

'5) STEAM INHALER'

Y/N L/N: Okay, so this is my steamer and I don't ever go anywhere without it if I'm working. This thing keeps me sane and sounding somewhat decent if I'm not feeling well. Lots of my friends in theatre had these growing up and I was always so jealous and wanted one, so I finally bought myself one online and I will never go back. After a show, I will shower and go back to the bus or the hotel and just sit with this for an hour.

[CLIP OF A PINK 'GO-TO' LIP BALM]

'6) LIPS!'

Y/N L/N: Caitlin Foord got me onto this skincare brand back home in Australia called 'go-to' and I am literally never ever going to put anything else on my face ever again.

[Y/N KISSES THE SIDE OF THE LIP BALM]

Y/N L/N: This is their 'lips!' lip balm and I take it everywhere with me. I hate having dry lips, or when I'm trying to sing and they crack at the sides. That *BEEP* kills me. (Y/N GASPS AND LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA WITH WIDE EYES) I am so so sorry.

[CLIP OF A WORN NOTEBOOK WITH SOME STICKERS ON THE FRONT THAT ARE BEGINNING TO CREASE]

'7) NOTEBOOK'

Y/N L/N: If you didn't know, I write songs..

[CAMERA ANGLE CUTS TO B-ROLL CAMERA, Y/N LOOKING DOWN THE LENSE]

Y/N L/N: (WHISPERS) Good ones

[CUTS BACK TO MAIN CAMERA]

Y/N L/N: And this is where I write them if I don't, for some reason, have my laptop with me. I don't love writing them down because I change my lyrics so much over time and I waste so much paper and room writing in an actual book, but I live with it.

[CLIP OF A GREEN AND YELLOW BEADED BRACELET WITH THE WORDS 'KERR 20' THREADED INTO IT]

'8) FRIENDSHIP BRACELET'

Y/N L/N: I go to lots of football games. I try to go to most of Sam's games if I can and I always wear this.

[Y/N TURNS THE BRACELET AROUND TO SHOW THE NAME ON THE BRACELET, THERE IS A SMALL WHITE BEAD WITH A RED HEART IN THE MIDDLE SEPARATING KERR AND 20]

Y/N L/N: Taylor Swift's Eras Tour has started a very big thing for friendship bracelets, which I'm loving. So when Sam was playing in the World Cup, a girl tapped me on the shoulder and gave me this which was really sweet. I didn't have a bracelet to trade with her, but I have made one and I'm taking it with me to the Olympic Qualifiers in October in hopes that I'll see her again and I can give it back to her. So if you see this, I have a bracelet for you!

[CLIP OF A MICROPHONE, A PALE BLUE BODY AND WITH A MATCHING RING AROUND THE TOP]

'9) MICROPHONE'

Y/N L/N: This is my mic, I have played every show for the last three years with this exact mic. I don't like not playing without it now, it's become almost a superstition. (CHUCKLES)

[PICTURE OF Y/N AND TAYLOR SWIFT SINGING TOGETHER ON STAGE POPS UP, Y/N IS USING HER BLUE MICROPHONE]

Y/N L/N: Sam took this picture of me and Taylor during sound check (Y/N HOLDS UP A PRINT OUT OF THE PICTURE). I love this picture a lot, we didn't have any fancy outfits or choreography, it was just us having fun before a show. Very special.

[BACKGROUND MUSIC STOPS; CLIP OF SAM WALKING ONTO SET AND SITTING ON Y/N'S LAP]

'10) GIRLFRIEND'

Y/N L/N: Self-explanatory

SAM KERR: I'm honoured (SAM LOOKS DOWN AT Y/N AND KISSES HER CHEEK A FEW TIMES)

Y/N L/N: (LAUGHS)

[BLACK SCREEN; GQ LOGO]

#one shots . * • .#sam kerr x reader #sam kerr imagine #sam kerr one shot #woso imagine #woso one shot #woso x reader

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luke-hughes43 · 1 year ago

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Just Friends | edwards x Luke!twin

Here is the Ethan fic, hope you enjoy!

Part 2 | Insta Edit

~You are Luke Hughes’s twin sister and play hockey and softball at the University of Michigan. You are very close with Luke given that you are twins. You are best friends with teammate, Ethan Edwards. You and Ethan were always flirty with each other but were always strictly friends. Until, maybe you weren’t.~

*This is a part one of I don’t know yet. Takes place freshman year.*

October, 2021

Morgan’s POV

I’m currently hanging out with my brother and our teammates. We decided to have a movie night in Ethan and Mark’s dorm, since I had a projector and Ethan didn’t put anything on his wall. I put on Miracle because we couldn’t decide on anything and I figured that everyone would be happy, and they were.

Somehow, I wound up squished between Ethan and Mark. Ethan is quite literally my best friend. We do everything together and it’s been that way since we stepped foot on campus. When we’re not in class, at hockey, or me at softball (because I’m a two sport athlete) we’re always together.

Ethan put his arm around me and pulled me closer to him. This was a common thing we did. Me and Ethan are just friends though. I lean my head against his shoulder because I’m starting to get tired. I had 6 am weights for softball on top of three classes and hockey practice. This was a regular thing for me. I feel Ethan kiss my head (something that was also a common thing between us) and say, “Go to sleep, you had a long day. I’ll wake you when the movie is over and walk you back. Just close your eyes morgs.”

I nod and listen to him. I don’t really remember falling asleep but I remember hearing a camera click and someone that sounds like Dylan say, “They’re cute. Are we sure that they are just friends?”

“Yes. Morgan would’ve told me if she had a boyfriend. I’d know anyways, we’re twins remember.” Luke said in a ‘duh’ tone.

Mark comments. “And Ethan would’ve mentioned it. He talks about her a lot so it would’ve come up.”

“And neither Sarah or McKenna have mentioned it. So they’re just friends Dylan. Just drop it dude. Should we wake them?”

“Nah. She can stay. He’ll walk her home in the morning so it’s fine. She had a long day so let’s not disturb her. You guys should get some sleep too.” Next thing I know, I feel Ethan’s arms tighten around me and I drift back to sleep.

January, 2022

Morgan’s POV

Now that the spring semester has started, my days have become longer as the softball team is in preseason mode. I have to rearrange my entire schedule to accommodate lift, two practices, 5 classes and games. It’s stressing me out. Hutch is letting me do individual practice with a coach. It’s pissing a lot of my teammates off because they think I’m slacking off when I’m doing double the work. They have started being bitches to me and it pisses me off.

I taught Ethan how to soft toss so that I could get BP in everyday. He’s actually pretty good at it. He throws to me every time I ask and I could not be more grateful. We’re at the cages right now since I had a break in my day. He says, “Three more morgs. Then can we be done? I have homework and we have practice at 4.”

“Only if they are good ones.”

“Ok Ms. Perfectionist.” He says with attitude. He throws them and I hit all three of them perfectly to the top right corner of the cage. I put my bat down and we pick the balls up. I turn to Ethan who’s holding the bucket, and say, “Can we go to chipotle or something? I haven’t eaten today.”

“Seriously? It’s 12:30 and you had six am lift on top of back to back classes. And we have practice today.”

“I know that Ethan. I really don’t need you telling me what my schedule is. You sound like Luke.”

“I’m sorry, I’m just worried. You need to take care of yourself morgs.”

“Ethan, I’m fine. Can we just pick these up and get food?”

“Yea. And I’m buying your lunch.”

“Ethan…”

“Not up for debate. Just help me pick these up.” I laugh and we pick the rest of them up before we head to Ethan’s car and to chipotle. He stays true to his word and buys me lunch despite me protesting. A few of the girls from the team come in and see me with Ethan. Jess comments, “Oh, little miss hockey player is here. Must be blowing off practice again. Wish I could skip like that.”

“Oh and she’s with her little boyfriend. How cute? Wonder what he thinks of her skipping practice all the time.” Sierra says. Hearing that pisses me off. I don’t know why but it just does. I say, “can we go?” Ethan says, “yea. Are you ok?” I shake my head no and he says, “Ok. Let’s go then, yea?”

I nod and he holds my hand and leads me out to the car but we don’t get in it. He pulls me in for a hug and I relax under his touch. I think I’m developing feelings for him and it scares me. Ethan rubs my back and whispers, “Hey, it’s ok. Morgs, you’re ok.”

He kisses my head and I pull away no longer wanted to hit something. I wipe the tears that I apparently shed. He forces me to look at him and he asks, “What happened back there? I’ve never seen you mad like that before.”

“I told you about the softball team basically hating me because of me doing individual practices right?” He nods so I continue, “Well, they’ve been making comments and shit. I usually use it as motivation but it’s been getting to my head. Only Luke knows. He’s the only one I wanted to know. And now you.”

“So then what just happened?”

“Two of the girls in there were on the team and made comments about how I must be skipping practice again and how I’m with my little boyfriend as they refer to you as and said something about what you must think about me skipping practice. That’s not even the worst thing that’s been said. I’m just done with it, all of it Ethan. Sometimes I wish I just played hockey and never played softball in the first place. I can’t keep doing this, it doesn’t feel worth it anymore Eddy.”

He pulls me back in for a hug and he says, “you know that they aren’t right morgs. You are the hardest working person I’ve ever met. It takes real talent, skill, dedication, and sacrifice to play two division one sports like you’re doing. We’re extremely proud of you. Luke for damn sure is. He brags about you when you’re not around. I’m proud of you too. Don’t let them get in your head. I know it sucks. But you’ve worked so hard for this. Hutch knows that, she knows knows that your putting in double the work. It’s gonna pay off. And I’ll be at every damn game, cheering the loudest for number 6 who is my best friend in whole fucking world.”

I mutter, “thank you.” We pull away and head back to school so try and get homework done before practice. I mean we are students too. I hope he’s right and that everything will pay off in the end.

April, 2022

Morgan’s POV

Today is our rivalry game against State. The whole hockey team is here. I’m excited. Ever since our season ended, they’ve been at every home game and even traveled when we played State at State. These boys really do have my back and I love them for it.

Ethan was right, I got this. Bottom of the seventh, tied at 0, two outs. I get down to my last strike. The pitcher winds up and I get my bat on the ball, sending it over the fence, to win the game. As I’m rounding first base, I hear from the stands, “That’s my best friend right there. WOO! Go blue!”

I shake my head at my Ethan. I can hear Luke too, “That’s my twin right there. Hell yea morg! Go blue!” I turn and see Ethan and Luke chest bump. God I hate them sometimes. But they pulled up like they promised so I deal with it. I approach third base and get ready to high-five Hutch as I jog by. Literally the whole hockey team is on their feet cheering for me especially since we just beat State.

“That’s our girl.” I hear from Nolan Moyle.

“WOO! That’s my girl right there! Number 6 on the field, number 1 in my heart! I love you morgs!” I hear from Ethan fucking Edwards. Oh my god. Ethan is definitely drunk. I laugh it off and get greeted by the team. They're happy but I think it’s because we won, not because I hit a walk off.

It sucks because straight up only like 6 girls like me. Alex, McKenna, Audrey, Kaylee, Sarah, and Ella. Alex is transferring and using her 5th year somewhere else so I’m losing one of my girls. It’s tough but I got my boys.

After we shake hands and everything, I head to the locker room and grab my backpack. I usually just change at the house after games. I go out to all of the boys waiting for me. Ethan comes running over and engulfs me in a huge hug. He reeks of beer. He says, “I’m so proud of you.”

“Party at my house at 9 morgan. Invite whoever. We’re celebrating.” J Bone says. J Bone and his parties. I nod and text my girls and tell them. I ask them not to tell the other girls because I wanted to drink and get drunk tonight.

*At J Bone’s*

I walk in and everybody cheers for me. I immediately get a drink put in my hand by the bone man himself. J Bone stands up by the speakers and. He says, “Alright, everybody shut up for a sec. For those who don’t know, our girl Morgan Hughes, is a two sport athlete. She dominates on the ice for us and kicks ass on the softball field. Today she hit a walk off homerun to beat State. So this is for her. A toast to our superstar. To Morgan!”

“To Morgan!” Everyone toasts me, making me blush. He gets down and turns the music back on. I immediately down my drink and get another before finding my girls. I get greeted in a hug by them. McKenna says, “Ethan is staring.”

“He’s staring at you with heart eyes.” Alex says.

“He’s my best friend. He’s also drunk and probably just horny. Let’s not talk about Ethan.” I say.

“As you wish.” Audrey says. We start dancing together. After about two hours, I’m like 7 or 8 in and drunk as fuck. I feel hands go on my hips and someone behind me. I start dancing on them. I’m feeling extra confident, probably the booze. Oh I’m definitely not gonna remember any of this tomorrow. I turn and see my best friend, Ethan Edwards. Neither of us have a problem with this since we’ve always been flirty with each other. We stay like that for a bit before Ethan whispers, “I’m gonna get another, do you want one?”

“Yes please.” I say and kiss his cheek. I could smell the alcohol on him. I also say, “I’m gonna go find Luke while I can still kinda walk.”

“Ok. Just stay there until I come with your drink.” He says kissing my cheek this time. I stumble through the house to find my brother talking with J Bone, Chic, Moyle, Keato, and Grano. I stumble into him saying, “Lukey!” He grabs me smiling, “Morgy. Having fun?”

“Fuck yea. J Bone, your a g man. Sick fucking party.” I say slurring my words. The guys laugh. J Bone says, “Thanks lady Hughes. How many have you had?”

“Uh, I can’t count that high J Bone. Ethan went to get me another one.”

Moyle says, “Oh boy. Good to know.”

“Was he drunk at my game? He seemed it.” I asked. Luke laughs and says,“Yes. You’re staying at my house tonight by the way. You have no choice.”

I say, “Ok.” “You doing ok?” He asks being a little concerned. I nod, “I’m doing great. Has Ethan been drinking all day?” Luke laughs, “Oh yea. He started when he got out of class. I’ve never seen him drink this much.”

“Oh. Can I tell you a secret? But you have to promise not to tell Ethan.” I say. He looks at me smiling, “Twin promise.”

“Boys, block your ears. Lukey’s ears only.” They laugh and then block their ears. I pull Luke down closer to me since he’s so fucking tall and whisper in his ear, “I’m in love with Ethan.”

“I knew that morgy. It’s obvious. You just play it off as best friends. But you’re both drunk so make a move. You both won’t remember so no harm no foul.”

“This is why your my favorite. Your so smart.”

“Glad I can help.” He taps J Bone and they unplug their ears. I stumble over my own feet and Moyle grabs me before I fall. “Woah, you ok lady Hughes?”

“I’m fucking wonderful Moyle. We beat State, there’s no reason to not be ok.”

They all laugh and I hug Luke. He wraps one arm around me to keep me from falling over. Ethan eventually finds us and hands me my drink. I say, “Oh yay! You just became my favorite. Sorry not sorry Luke.” Ethans wraps an arm around me pulling me into him. I smile and say, “Let’s dance Ethan.” We walk off towards the dance floor.

Luke’s POV

I use Morgan going off with Ethan as my opportunity to make a move on McKenna. We’ve been flirting for a few months but I really like her and want her to be my girl.

I see her dancing with the girls so I go up behind McKenna and whisper in her ear, “Hey baby.” and then kiss her cheek. She turns and smiles at me. “Hey lukey. Finally come to hit the dance floor?”

“Just for you baby.” I say a smirk and pull her close to me.

I grab her hips to dance along with her. She looks up and at me smiles. She reaches up and runs her fingers through my hair. I look down at her with a smirk, “Can I kiss you McKenna?” She nods and I lean in to kiss her.

Morgan’s POV

I look to my right while dancing with Ethan and see Luke kissing McKenna. What the fuck? She’s my best friend. A heads up would’ve been nice. I point it out to Ethan, “He’s kissing her. She’s my best friend.”

“So then kiss his.”

“I am not kissing Dylan.”

“I meant me morgs.”

“Oh. ok.” He leans in and kisses me. I have a feeling that we are both so drunk that we aren’t gonna remember this in the morning. I can taste the beer on his lips. Everything is so fuzzy right now, but I think that’s the alcohol. I don’t remember us stopping but somehow I’m in Luke’s car and cuddled into Ethan’s side in the back while McKenna is in the front seat holding luke’s hand. I’m cold, tired, drunk. “Ethan I’m cold.”

“I know baby. We’re almost at the house. I’ll give you a sweatshirt to sleep in.”

“Thank you. Can I stay with you tonight?” I plead.

“Yea.” Luke pulls into the driveway and has to help us both inside. Ethan almost falls over getting out which is problematic to say the least. I do fall over getting out. “Ow. Ethan why’d you let me fall?”

“I tried baby.”

“No you didn’t. Neither did you Luke, your a bad brother.”

“Morgan, come on. Your drunk and it’s cold. You need to get to bed.” He says trying to get me up. Ethan comes over and tries to help too. I swat their hands away and try to get up myself. I say, “I can take care of myself. And I’m not that drunk.”

“Morgan, seriously. Stop being difficult.”

“I can take care of myself Luke. Just because we’re twins doesn’t mean I need you every second of every day. I’m 18. I don’t need you anymore.”

“Stop being fucking difficult Morgan. Just let us fucking help you. You’re black out drunk right now and don’t know what your doing. Stop being a stubborn bitch, shut up, and just let us fucking help.” He snaps at me. He’s never snapped at me like that. I stand up and lean against Ethan. I snap back at Luke, “Fuck you Luke. Go to hell. Don’t talk to me like that.”

Ethan and I stumble our way up to Ethan’s room. He hands me a sweatshirt and I change for bed. I’ll deal with makeup later. “Hey Ethan?” He looks at me with a raised eyebrow. I kiss him one last time for the night and say, “Good night.”

“Good night.” We climb into bed and drift off to sleep.

I wake up the next morning and I’m in Ethan’s sweatshirt and cuddled into Ethan. I look under the covers and check that we are both wearing clothes which is a relief but I don’t remember anything from last night. I don’t even remember getting here. What the fuck happened last night?

I hear Ethan moving next to me, “Why do I feel like I was hit by a bus?”

“I don’t know. Last thing I remember is being at J Bone’s with McKenna and the girls. What do you remember?” I say rubbing my eyes.

“I remember your brother scolding me for pregaming your game. And I remember your homerun. After that, couldn’t tell you.”

We laugh and then drag ourselves downstairs. I see Luke sitting on the couch watch tv with McKenna. When the fuck did she get here? Luke hears us and says, “Morning. Tylenol is on the counter.”

“Indoor voices.” I say rubbing my temple trying to sooth the headache. I grab the Tylenol and chug some gatorade. Ethan does the same and we both feel like death. I groan and lean against him hugging him. He hugs me back and asks Luke, “What happened last night? Neither of us remember anything.”

“Well, eddy you blacked out at like five from your day drinking. You guys spent most of J Bone’s party with each other. We had eyes on you since you both were blacked out. I was sober and drove home. You guys fell asleep within a half hour of being home.”

I zoned out like halfway through Luke talking. I need food or I’m gonna puke. I use ethan’s chest to hide the light because of my headache. I groan and say, “I’m starving. Can we get food?”

“Yea. I’ll drive. I’m good to drive I promise.”

“Ok.” We got into his car and drove off the get breakfast. He paid for mine, like he usually does no matter my protests. And we head back to the house. I take it nothing happened last night because Luke would’ve said something. We go to Ethan’s room and I cuddle into him to sleep this hangover off.

At least I can chalk up anything I did last night to being drunk. I’m just hoping that I didn’t blurt out that I’m in love with him.

(I have a part 2 ready and currently working on part 3 if anyone's interested)

#umich hockey #ethan edwards #new jersey devils #ethan edwards imagine #ethan edwards x reader #ethan edwards x Luke!twin #hockey

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clevereverest · 1 year ago

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Newsies Headcanon Collection!!

Chatting with the pretty cool @asexualbert and I wanted to share an apparently long list of my own headcanons, focusing on Race, Spot, Albert, and Finch :D

(+ Some concepts have been written about in my fics, while others are things I’ve never gotten to share before, which is exciting!)

- Modern AU Heights: Race 6’1” / Finch 6’0” / Albert 5’9” / Spot 5’6” (generous, I know, but Race is still 7 inches taller so it’s all good)

- Since I specified modern, the canon era: I firmly believe that Race and Albert would be the exact same height (maybe 5’10”) and argue constantly about who’s taller

- Still on that ^ Finch would be taller and Spot would be shorter, both settling the constant debates

- Race and Al are amazing cooks separately but doing it together is a recipe (ha) for disaster. Spot is a decent cook and Finch literally just sucks at it, poor guy. Good thing he has people very very willing and eager to teach him!

- Race plays sudoku because I say so (and literally wrote a fic about it….)

- Finch and Albert have a perfect sleep schedule. Finch got the preset circadian rhythm when he was young and when the two of them met, Albert’s body just kinda copied it.

- ^ Al doesn’t mind it too much, but thinking about it now, I imagine it being so abrupt. One night he’s staying up until 4 am with Race, the next he’s passed out cold by midnight and fully awake by 7 the next morning. It confuses him deeply. Then he finds out he can have Finch’s attention all to himself for a while every morning and he’s totally onboard with the change.

- ^ Also on sleep, Race practically has insomnia (bro has it rough) and Spot sleeps at mostly reasonable times but can stay up with Race if want/need be

- Spot and Finch are over-thinkers and Race and Albert deflect/ignore problems

- Finch does archery (the canon era slingshot to the modern era archery pipeline, also the reincarnation AU potential here !! Personally want something with that) and can play guitar

- Albert does baseball

- Race does dance (as most fans headcanon)

- Spot probably also does baseball

- Favorite Colors: Finch, light purple / Albert, a very specific dark orange / Race, light blue / Spot, dark red

- Real Names: Race and Spot are the usual ones / Finch = Adrian Cortez / Albert = just Albert DaSilva but he kinda hates the “old-timey-ness” of his first name (it’s a family name). He prefers to go by Sam around strangers/authority figures, short for Samuel (middle name).

- Finch comes from a rich family, he’s the “heir to the Cortez line” but hates the snobby sounding title (and he might have a twin brother sometimes). I heard this once in a random fic and ran with it.

- Albert has like 5-6 siblings, and I’m not sure if I’d place him right in the middle or the youngest

- Race is Italian. His family is huge. He has several sisters, no (blood) brothers.

- Honestly, I’ve never settled on Spot’s family :/

- Spot knows fluent French, Finch basically knows fluent Spanish, and Albert just listens to his friends and boyfriend speak in foreign tongues :)

- Oh and if it wasn’t clear, the relationships are Spot/Race and Albert/Finch. In my mind, every other pairing is platonic and likely brotherly too.

- Race and Spot have a fascination with each other’s eyes, specifically when the sun shines on them. They just kinda gaze lovingly when it happens <3

- Spot also adores the sound of Race’s laugh

- Finch loves it when Albert calls him by nicknames (listed below), he likes the sweet intimacy of it. Albert tends to just randomly watch Finch; he zones out and suddenly Fi is smiling all amused at him and isn’t that the greatest sight?

- Finch and Race both love reading, hardcovers and audiobooks respectively (taking Race’s preference from @ asexualbert)

- ^ Albert can’t say no to Finch getting new books because “He looks so goddamn happy, I don’t want him to be sad by saying no”.

- ^ Spot just has this issue where he physically cannot say no to Race’s pout — it’s a real issue sometimes. And “He keeps excitedly showing me all these books that he wants and I refuse to say no because then he’ll stop smiling and I’d rather that not be the case”.

- Albert and Spot are warm-bodied, the perfect pairs to cold-bodied Finch and Race

- In modern era, Finch, Albert, and Race are besties and Spot, Mush, and JoJo are besties, and there is often overlap between the groups (this may or may not tie into my multichapter fic…)

- Cute Nicknames!! Race calls Spot just Conlon, dumbass /aff, darling, and innamorato: Italian term of endearment for boyfriend (I’ve used it in fics and no one has corrected me so I’m assuming it’s right)

- ^ Spot calls Race just Higgins, dumbass /aff, love, and the other twenty billion names you can make out of “Racetrack” and “Antonio”

- ^ Finch calls Albert just Al, asshole /aff, sweetheart

- ^ Albert calls Finch just Fi, asshole /aff, and bub

ALRIGHT I’M CALLING IT!!! Let me know your thoughts on my personal headcanons, I’d love to chat and compare ideas :D

#newsies #headcanon #livesies #racetrack higgins #spot conlon #sprace #albert dasilva #finch cortez #redfinch #this was so much fun #had wayyyy more than I thought tbh #but to reiterate from earlier #they live in my head rent free

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dollsonmain · 1 year ago

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Today I should rest and spend time with myself but there's too much to do.

I need to look for insurance some more, shower, catch up on chores, get ready to go get groceries/make the list....

Yesterday I remembered something.

So, I get up really early in the morning in the hopes of getting a little time to myself with the quiet.

On weekdays That Guy gets up at 4 and so do I. I make sure I'm up and out of bed, downstairs, drinking my coffee before he gets out of the shower so he doesn't come kneel down and try to stick his dick in my face every morning.

He leaves at 5.

Then, if I'm lucky, Son will stay in bed until 6 but he usually gets up at 5 because That Guy stomps and slams and insists on having a conversation or giving me a lecture first thing in the morning when I'm not even awake, yet.

This morning it was "Our son doesn't know some specific information which is not available to him and he's disrespecting me by not having this information that doesn't exist can you figure it out but don't tell him you're figuring it out behind his back because I want him to do it even though he can't." Again.

Son leaves at 7.

On the weekends I often wake up around 5 or 5:30 and try to sneak out of bed

Usually, Son is already awake and he gets up as soon as he hears me moving around in the house. He starts immediately with noise videos, noisy apps, transcribing music, etc. and he talks the whole time. Louder, and louder, and louder with the occasional "Dad's asleep, still, watch your volume [because I'd like him to stay that way]" from me.

Often That Guy is woken up by me getting out of bed and also gets up because he's suddenly Alone and that's unacceptable.

Yesterday, I was up and trying to work on something on the computer, Son got up and started in but I've gotten pretty good at both engaging with him and continuing to work, then That Guy got up and demanded my full attention constantly.

I snapped at him a bit saying I was busy and leave me alone, which I feel bad about, but if I'm sitting in front of a screen, typing, with multiple resource tabs open, actively researching and processing information, I don't need a play-by-play of every fart, the fact the house is cold like every winter, and what he's eating/drinking, and are you still working are you still working are you still working I want to play video games and you have to watch.

...

It reminded me of a time at my grandma's house when my aunt and I were still young. My aunt is 5 years younger than I am, so we are close in age.

Grandma put us to bed in her bed, which was a queen, and my aunt kept scooting over so she was basically on top of me. I told her to move and give me space, but she wouldn't.

I got up and went to the other side of the bed repeatedly in the night and every time she'd scoot over on top of me again.

Eventually I took a blanket into the living room to sleep on the couch, and she followed me there, too.

In the morning I complained to grandma and she said I was being mean and my aunt just wanted to cuddle and be close to me.

What I needed didn't matter.

That persists. It doesn't matter that I need time to myself. I'm expected [by That Guy] to pay attention to Son at all times and to pay attention to That Guy at all times.

The only time I get truly to myself is very early in the morning if I'm lucky enough the boys stay in bed, or for about an hour at night because I go to bed earlier than everyone else on purpose.

This is why I call Monday my recovery day, but I don't get Monday, either. Monday is groceries day.

Even if I try going down to the basement, That Guy starts stomping around overhead as hard as he can, just to remind me he's up here, he's Alone, I'm not doing what he wants me to do, and he's bored.

It doesn't matter how much I beg the people around to please, please just get off of me.

It's very frustrating.

Anyway, that's all part of why I'm so hard focused on the basement right now, I guess.

Desperately trying to regain control of literally anything, trying to find a quiet place where I can breathe, trying to feel human again.

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pbandjesse · 5 months ago

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I just got out of the shower after driving home from Jess's house. And that was one of the worst drives I have had in a very long time. The rain was so bad. I literally could not see and it was very scary. But I am safely home now and I still got a couple things I got to do before I go to sleep. But it was a good day.

I woke up early with anxiety again. Annoying but not horrible. When I got up I would get washed and dressed and I basically had everything together already. So I spend a few minutes playing with sweet pea and then checking on crab cake. It fed him and made sure that his tank was warm enough. We're somewhere between 80 and 85 mostly so we're doing pretty good. Now we got to work on the humidity. So keeping it nice and moist in there is going to be our next important step. I was actually like really early still so I packed a snack for myself of my naan and cucumbers thing I made yesterday. And let Jess know that I would be leaving soon but there was no rush and we could leave whenever when I got to her house.

It was like a super ridiculously easy drive. I listened to my podcast and enjoyed the day. It was humid outside but it was a lot cooler. The skies were gray and I wasn't sure if we would actually swim today but that was all right. I was just looking forward to being in a beach town and just seeing the ocean. That was fine with me and that's basically what happened.

I would get to dress this house right at 10:00 and she was eating cake standing at her front door waiting for me. I was very happy to see her and I gave her the hair clip I got her and we sat and talked about her hospital stay last week and she told me the whole story. It's a lot more dramatic when you hear it in person. And it was already dramatic. I really hope they can figure out a way to make her feel better but she seemed in so much better spirits today and the steroids she gave her really are giving her energy. Not making it easier for her to sleep but at least she's not just in bed all day. She's able to live life.

We would finished getting ourselves together there and get ready to leave around 10:30. It was another hour and a half to get to Cape May and it would be a really nice drive. It was gray but the rain had been pushed back until 6:00 and so we were like oh this is going to be excellent and maybe the rain will scare people away and it won't be as crowded. And so we were in a really good mood. And just talked the whole time. I told her all about the drama at camp and it was nice to get all of it out to an outside observer. She told me like even though we work in very different jobs with very different people It is amazing how incompetence will really ruin the party for everyone. And makes it incredibly difficult to do your job. And it was just good to feel validated in my concerns.

Once we got to Cape May just had a plan for us to park in the municipal lot that was free to use. And then we would walk the half mile to the heart of the beach town. That was fine with me but I always worry about her ankles because she gets to be in so much pain so quickly but she was actually really good today. Like she was obviously hurting at times, as was I, But like I felt like we were doing great. And it was nice enough that we both decided we didn't need to bring any of our stuff with us. We just had our little bags with the important bits and we each had a long shirt to wear over our tank tops. And we started walking.

We got to the pancake House and it was pretty busy but because it was only two of us they let us sit at the counter. So we got to sit right away. We both ordered grilled cheese sandwiches and eggs and french fries. We shared the french fries. And the waitress was very nice and everyone was loud but I was still having a very good time. And then all of a sudden the sky opened up and it was pouring right now so I just absolutely buckets. But thankfully we would luck out and it would stop before we left the restaurant. I did feel like it was pretty expensive for two grilled cheese sandwiches but it was good and it's the beach so I always expect everything to be more expensive so it's whatever. Plus we always split the cost of meals I pay for a meal then she pays for a meal and so on and so forth. It was not a huge deal in the end.

We relieve there and started walking around the little downtown. The shops were a little bit too much money for us and while I enjoyed looking around there really wasn't anything I was probably going to buy. I don't need or want anything. I did end up getting one enamel pin of a turtle. And later we would go into a little antique mall and I found a golden heart spoon. It was not an antique but I liked it and those were my two purchases for the day. Just would get a very cute little ceramic boat that says Cape May on the back. And I felt bad because her tote bag was getting very full very fast between the half grilled cheese sandwich she still had and both of our little bags of chips that they gave us. I didn't really want the chips but she took them anyway so she carried them and that was fine but I still felt bad.

We would wonder around the town but there was just a lot of people. While the rain might have kept them away from the beach it did not keep them away from shopping. So we tried to get away from that by walking on the cement path near the beach. This was a pay beach and it was $10 a person per day. That's way too much in my opinion. especially cuz we're not going swimming. If we were going to spend the day at the beach on the beach with our little chair and everything like sure I could understand paying that but not if we were just going to go in touch the ocean and leave. So we just stayed on the top and watched people and birds and went into a couple places. I wanted to do a call machine but none of them spoke to me and it was very loud in there. We didn't even do the photo booth it was so loud. And then we decided to walk to West garage.

This was a place that just had seen on TikTok and it took us a while to get over there. It was cute just watching all the different buildings and I love beach style housing and all of the little gingerbread details. The flowers were beautiful. It wasn't too hot but it was humid. I was comfortable but I would get too warm at times and once we got to the place I was really excited for air conditioning.

And it was comfortable but it wasn't particularly cool. I enjoyed walking around and looking at stuff but it wasn't like a real antiqua It was more like a sort of old stuff vintage mass produced sort of place. Which is fine but I always hate when you go places in every store has the same chachkis because they're all buying from the same wholesalers. I find it very frustrating because that's not what I'm here for. I still enjoyed it though and we saw some cool stuff. I was just enjoying hanging out with Jess and being silly and talking and looking at it things.

We would leave there and walk down the street to an actual antique store. We went into two different ones. And we buy much. Like I said I just got my one spoon but I enjoyed looking around and it's always fun seeing things that you recognize from your childhood or from your grandma's house. And it was just a really nice day. I was having a really good time.

The sun had finally come out though and so we were like we should go to the lighthouse now because that is the state park and the beach is free down there. And then we can walk around and touch the ocean and accomplish our goal of the day.

But just had another goal as well before we did that which was to get ice cream. We already looked in a few places but none of them were speaking to her. I don't love ice cream that much so I wasn't as concerned but I want her to be able to have the things that she wants! So I have a head on a swivel and I was able to find us an adorable ice cream shop. That had questionable food safety. I saw one of the teenagers drop an ice cream cone into her arm and then still serve it to a guest. Kind of crazy. But we ordered the smallest ice cream amount possible and they were like oh a kids cone. And they gave us like three scoops of ice cream each and it was way too much. Jess got lavender honey and I got strawberry cheesecake. And they were very nice. And we ate those as we walked back to the car.

It was much warmer by then and I was very excited to be sitting for a bit but also I was just so thirsty and the ice cream was good and I was cooler because of it I really wanted water and I had stupidly forgotten my water bottle today. So I only had my soda cup and while it had stayed pretty cool in the car it was not the same as drinking water.

And then we drove over to the lighthouse and it was great. I had such a good time.

From the distance and we would park and walk the beach for a while. The sand was really nice. Not too hot probably because it had been rained on. The ocean was beautiful and there was a haze to everything. It was just awesome. I love that. Wasn't a ton of very good shells but I had brought my new little seashell bag with me and I had my sandals in it so I can walk around barefoot and unencumbered. I would put some of the few shells and rocks I found in there but mostly I was just enjoying being silly with Jess. We sat in the sand and I fell over backwards and was absolutely covered and she said that I look like a cinnamon pretzel which I'm going to take as a compliment. And we took pictures and we touched the water and we looked at the world war II bunker that was on that beach which I did not know was there and I thought was a very cool. We chased a little crab and we saw birds and we just talked about how much we like watching the water and it was great. The water wasn't very very cold so we probably wouldn't even gone swimming if we had been there all day. It was just really nice to walk around even though Jesse's feet hurt from the Sharp shells because she is the princess from the princess and the pea. And she said they were a thousand tiny shells stuck to the bum for me which is just what sand is but she was fine once we went rinsed her feet off.

I got us off the beach and we had to walk over to the tickets where you could rinse your feet off but it was farther than just thought And so she took a really long time to get over there. I would run to the car to get us towels so that we can put our shoes back on and I switched into Birkenstocks which I'm really glad I brought because I think putting my strappy sandals on top of my sandy feet would have been very painful. But we cleaned off after another family finished. And then we went and filled up our water bottles before we left.

On our drive out Charlotte texted me and James that one of their rescue cats that her and Cate had gotten had very unexpectedly died on Friday. And I read it out loud and cried and just cried too and we were supposed to so sad for her. I would be absolutely devastated and I know someday I will be once we be dies but nobody wants to find that so randomly, you won't warning. I think I got a little emotional because she also said that she loves both of us and Charlotte doesn't say that. She never says anything like that and I think it just really hit me because so often I still have the feeling that she doesn't like me so it's nice to see it even if it wasn't a moment of sadness for her. I feel awful I really hope that she's okay tonight.

Me and Jessica one more stop before we went back to her house. We had a very fancy dinner plan.

We went to a place called The Port. And this voice is nice. We sat outside on their dock, Which is the majority of the restaurant. It looks like they have it inside space but I think they only needs it in the winter time. And it was beautiful. I got them to open up an umbrella for us so that we wouldn't have to sit in the sun potentially get sunburned. And everyone was so pretty and nice. I was also over hearing some gossip because apparently someone was not very nice and they come all the time and I think they're a vlogger or something. But everyone was nice to us.

We already look at the menu because we both have so many weird food things. I was very excited for the whipped honey feta and it's a burrata peach and tomato salad I was going to get. Jess would get oysters, ceviche, and a sushi roll. She said that the sushi rollwas probably unnecessary, And she had enough food with just two things but do the oysters even really count?? She loves them so much. And she said these ones were very good. The honey feta was outrageously good. The burrata salad was not exactly what I was expecting. It was more chopped up than I was anticipating. I thought it was going to be the ball on some arugula with slices of peaches and tomato. It was more diced peaches and tiny tomatoes and green tomatoes. And cucumbers. And some other things. And it was good but it was a little bit much and I would take half of it home. But I was having a great time. The food was beautiful everything was so nice. Even the bathroom was adorable. It was a really good choice and I will absolutely go back there again next time I'm in Cape May.

I'm glad that we went. And we discussed coming back and finding a B&B to stay in or something. Spend a whole weekend there maybe.

It was time to go home though. Our ETA to arrive back at Jess's house was 7:30. And that was good because then I would get home around 9:00 which is later than I wanted but not too bad. So then we were off and it was a really good drive. No traffic really. Nobody acted stupid. The sky was a little scary as storms were going to be coming in soon but we didn't have to deal with much at all and that was great. My phone was dying but I had brought a charger box and it wasn't working and it was really frustrated. So I just tried to not stare at my phone but that was very difficult. I was tired and I just wanted to scroll mindlessly. But instead we talked about the green clouds and how strangers were Jess ended up living. How it's right next to the town where I spend so much time dating a really terrible person. And how so many places are the same there and so many are different. We even pass the street thar he lived on. It's weird how life is. Just bringing us together and intersecting our lives. I'm really glad that we found each other in all of that.

When we got back to her house she had peppers and a vintage matches holder for me. The sky had started turning a little green and it was making me nervous. So I filled up my water and used her bathroom and just as I'm getting ready to go the sky absolutely opens up and it is pouring. Like outrageous. Worse than this morning. Worse than I've seen in a long time but I was like okay it'll probably pass quickly and I can get out of here safely. So even though I did not have my umbrella. I gave Jess a big hug goodbye and I ran outside to the car and was just drenched. Thankfully I had moved my beach towel to the front seat. Was able to dry myself and the inside of the car off before I left.

I texted James to let them know my ETA was about 9:00 and then I very slowly drove out of her neighborhood. And that would basically be how the entire drive was. Very slow. I could not see anything. It was horrible. I was going down the interstate going 25 miles an hour with my flashers on. I was with like two other cars and most people were sitting on the sides of the roads waiting for it to pass but it was not passing. It was raining like that for almost 45 minutes. It was terrifying. And there were people that weren't having their lights on and I was flashing at them and thankfully they got the message but man they could have killed somebody. It was awful. My poor car was screaming at me that it couldn't see and then I was like girl me too I cannot see anything and this is awful. I was just trying very hard to be safe but I wanted to get home so badly.

About 25 minutes before I got home the rain mostly stopped. And I had a pretty quiet ride back because my phone stopped connecting to the car. I still was able to get the GPS up on my phone screen but it was not ideal. Thankfully I was able to get home in one piece, only 15 minutes later I had originally thought.

I did have to circle around the block and park a little far away because I couldn't find a spot because everyone is parked weird today. Like they left weird amounts of spaces So I couldn't fit anywhere. But James was sitting outside waiting for me and I was very happy to see them.

Brandon's over because they're going to watch House of the dragon. And it was really good to see him too. I gave hugs to everybody. I checked on crab cake whose tanks seem to dry so I added more water. But it was warm enough. And hug sweetp for a bit. And then went to go take a shower.

I was sitting on the floor in our bedroom now. Enjoying the air conditioning. I got to go through this pile of clean clothing to figure out what I'm bringing to camp and what I'm wearing tomorrow. And then I'm going to go to sleep because tomorrow I have to go back to camp. Honestly not thrilled. I'm very anxious. That the schedule is going to be completely different for me and it's going to be awful again like last week was for everybody else. I just hope that they solved something. My plan is to sleep there tomorrow. Maybe not Tuesday maybe not Wednesday. I don't know yet. We'll see how I feel. But hopefully it is fine. And I have a good week. I'm a little nervous about the project but I think it will be okay in the end. I really hope that you all have a really good night. And have a beautiful day. Sleep well my friends.

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yellowhollyhock · 1 year ago

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Lucky raph and Donnie are my favorites lol! I noticed that honestly raph fans love Donnie XD

Yeah for real! I mean I think we all have our faves and there’s nothing wrong with that. I just love how they all work together. Like Donnie being my fave also means that I am thinking about Raph constantly. Especially the 2003 boys, they’re so closely knit. I think we could even say they have their favorites too—Splinter favors Leo, Raph practically says Mikey is his favorite. The show never says so but Raph is Donnie’s favorite, to me. But we still get to see close bonds with Splinter and Donnie, or Raph and Leo.

Imma put a cut because this is about to get long

I adore how Raph is everyone’s best friend. Oldest sibling coded to me, probably mostly because of my oldest sister, hehe.

But for real, Leo seems more comfortable goofing off with Raph than with anyone else. Raph also pushes him to try things that scare him, which is so precious considering how much Leo’s arc, especially early on, centers around pushing through fear. Also love that Leo seems to recognize when Raph just needs space to be angry, because yeah! What they’re dealing with isn’t normal! Let the teenager rage it’s healthy

Mikey antagonizes Raph more than the other guys, which I think there’s some issues there both ways but the issues come from the closeness. They’re the siblings who constantly want to be together until they literally drive each other up a wall. I imagine when they were little Splinter would try to separate them when things got back and they would just, sneak back to each other’s rooms, both to continue the fight and because they missed each other. They’re so siblings.

And Donnie’s bond with Raph is so most special to me. They’re just so gentle with each other. And when Raph and Leo are arguing, which does tend to be about bigger more serious subjects with real potential to divide, Donnie stays the most neutral. He follows Leo in the City at War arc, but unlike Mikey he doesn’t necessarily agree or disagree. Even little moments like when Raph does something ‘crazy’ (Leo’s bar is low for what he sees as reckless, this poor boy is so stressed), Donnie lets Leo talk to him about it, and then follows Raph lol. Raph also seems to be the one to help Donnie with his feelings, which he is kind of out of touch with. Like in The King, when he gets back and he just lost a friend, it’s Raph we see interacting. There’s no conversation about it (ever, canon will only let Leo process on screen), but at least it’s a small moment of Raph seeing that he’s upset and understanding he needs space. I imagine when Donnie tries to have a full-time job at O’Neil Tech—which at once once gives him space to process everything he’s compartmentalized and forces him to make his brain work in new ways, which causes extreme stress which tends to bring up trauma—he would come up against a lot of personal walls. I’m imagining flashbacks, chronic pain flare-ups, verbal shut-downs. Raph would absolutely be the one to help him the most. He’d probably understand it best even before they figure out causes (he deals with meltdowns during the show, like on screen. Also it’s implied he’s interacted more with humans and we see him making friends every time he goes out, so he’s probably dealt with panic attacks before). Maybe it could even lead to opportunities for Raph to talk with someone about the things he’s struggled with.

Wow Raph and Donnie’s got long—I have so much more in my head, but let me just say one of biggest reasons I relate so much to Donnie is because of how much he worries about each of his family, and April once she joins. And on recent rewatches, I love seeing throughout the show how he grows into his nurturing nature. (Seasons 6 and 7 kind of undid that growth, big part of why I don’t enjoy them as much. I mean he’s sweet with Cody but what the heck happened to his and Raph’s moments, and why is he suddenly so verbally harsh with Mikey? Idk I guess it’s just a different style)

#tmnt #tmnt 2003 #2003 raph #2003 donnie #2003 leo #2003 mikey #this got so long #thanks for the ask!#love talking about them #a little too much as you can see #especially Raph and Donnie

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kithtaehyung · 2 years ago

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Ryen maybe you (or maybe the comments as well?) can give me some advice? You seem like such a hard working/ diligent person with all of the things that you do so I’d thought I would ask you :) How are you able to do as much as you do with work and hobbies etc. I struggle to follow a routine and that makes time management a literal disaster. I kind of drift day by day and this has made me very depressed and someone who hasn’t accomplished anything. I am 22 but have no idea what I will do with my future and no career sounds appealing. I feel like I am too dumb to get another job so I’ve been stuck at the same dead end one for almost 6 years. I only go to work 2-3 days a week and the other days are filled with distractions. And the days I am off I stay in my room and don’t talk to any friends or family cause I don’t really have that many and it seems exhausting to go out. So I’m not very productive and I’m not proud of myself much either. How are you able to accomplish so much and have a lot of energy to do as much as you do? You probably get burnt out but how do you manage to actually get up and do it. Also sorry if this is a lot!

Hey, love🫂 as diligent as I may seem, there are definitely times where I find myself on the couch wondering where the time went🤣 it’s not always go go go for me, either! My body just tells my brain to chill for a gd second and then it listens (kinda.)

When you’re drifting, it’s normal to feel out of place or like you aren’t doing anything. Like you’re kinda just there and not gonna achieve anything fulfilling.

But some of the general advice that I learned to break those moments are these:

Motivation can only take you so far; discipline is what you need when you have nothing left. Yeah you can feel motivated and ride that wave, but what are you gonna do when it’s gone and you still need to do things? Well. Sometimes you just gotta push through. Do that workout you didn’t wanna do. Watch that YouTube tutorial you meant to watch but put off for later. Study for 2 full, meaningful minutes if you don’t think you can. Before you know it, you’re gonna look back at all these things and be glad you at least tried a little bit.

Just because you aren’t accomplishing anything big doesn’t mean you aren’t achieving anything. Need to wash up? Take a shower—done. Achievement! Wanna send a message to someone asking for advice? Done. You did it! The smallest things can amount to the biggest impacts.

This is gonna sound corny as fck, but believe in yourself. You are what you have at the end of the day. I highly encourage less talk about what’s stacked against you and what you don’t have, and more talk about how you’re gonna overcome that and what you can do or get better at. Fake confidence until you really feel it.

Do I mess up? Yeah. Do I doubt myself? All the fcking time lmfao. But guess what: I get over those thoughts and still tell myself that I can do it in the end. Whenever I made my checklist of shit to do for my online shop? “Believe in yourself” is one of the checkboxes. And it’s not being checked off until I really feel it—but I’m gonna get there. I have to, because if I don’t believe in myself then how the fck am I gonna keep going when I hit walls?

You’re at a beautiful age. Lots of time to figure shit out. Tbh 22 is when I had these same damn thoughts, too, and I did waste a lot of it by giving in to them and just thinking I wouldn’t amount to much. But one day, I decided that I didn’t like what direction my life was going. (Discipline got me through a lot of it tbh, so I would say swallow some hard truths and do your best to try and keep trying until you find something you like and that you know you can get good at.)

You can do it. Cherish life as it comes🤍

#sorry if this was too much😭#i just wanted you to know that you have time #life doesn’t absolutely have to start in your 20s #you have time to figure it out #anon #*advice #mailbox💌#long post

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bqstqnbruin · 10 months ago

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I literally just need to rant so that I can let this out now and I don't end up screaming at my class tomorrow after their quiz today

I make myself so available to my girls for when they need help. I am in my classroom at 6:35-6:40 am every morning when class starts at 8:15 and can stay after pretty much every day after school unless there's a faculty meeting. I have free periods that a lot of my other students have and all they have to do is tell me they want to come see me and I excuse them from their study. Even if I'm teaching another class, I tell them you can come, I just can't be answering your questions the entire time and you have to be mindful of that. We have this thing called community time which is a school wide free period but that gets taken up a lot because of meetings and mass and community prayer etc so it's really hard to come in/meet with students during that time. I even answer my emails at night until I go to sleep, when technically, I only have to answer them until 3:30 because that's my contract hours and I have to make sure I answer them in some way within 24 hours, whether it's in an email response or in class the next day.

My girls had a lab due today at the end of class, and I told them that if they know they are the type of person/student who takes a long time with their quizzes, that they need to have the lab done before hand/ask their questions before. They did the lab on Monday, and not a single student emailed me or came in to ask any questions at any time.

My one section of sophomores today had a quiz. The only emails I got last night from them were "what are the pages the quiz is on?" and "what's the format of the quiz?", and last night was the only night they emailed me. The quiz has been posted on Canvas since January 23rd. I have had it written on the board every class for the last week at least, and I mention it in class at the start and end of each class during that time what pages the quiz covered and we said that they quiz is the same format as the other like 10 they have taken for me.

This is my class where as soon as I say something, they don't even give me the chance to explain what I mean before they are yelling at me "I don't get it." None of them have asked questions about the material since we finished it on the 31st (just due to scheduling and timing it's been a week). They don't listen to me when I tell them what page we are on in the notes, where in their notes they can find the answer to their questions, and then don't listen to me when I tell them to write something down in their notes.

Their quiz today was after community time, but we had community prayer, so we only ended up having about 20 minutes of CT. I was so overwhelmed and also have not been feeling good that I could not be around them, so I went to the faculty room where we were actually discussing something kind of serious because one of our coworkers has been having complications with her pregnancy so we were trying figure out what to do before her long term sub comes in since her doctors told her she's staying in the hospital until the baby comes, and my girls interrupt and start telling me that I needed to be in my room because they needed help until my department head had to say, no, sorry, we're in the middle of something and this is kind of urgent.

I got to my room right when class started because of this meeting and they told me it was my fault they were going to do badly because I am never available to them and that I'm always hiding from them. One girl even wrote on her quiz that she did bad because she came today during CT when she had "a LOT of questions, but you weren't there, so" and that she missed all of the notes, when that was back on the 26th, I had her friend send them to her, I asked her to confirm that she got them, and asked her if she understood them, and she told me yes to both. One of my students emailed me saying that because I made the quiz "so hard" that she didn't finish, and that she needed to come back in and finish it, which isn't allowed by department and school policy. Also, the questions from the quiz were pulled right from their notes. They had two homework assignments where I took questions from those assignments and just pasted them into the quiz, and they had the homework pages back and graded the class before.

On top of that, more than half the class didn't turn in the lab, and they're mad at me for telling them that I have to follow the "late work policy" that we have, which I have already made as generous as possible. And before anyone gets on me about the policy, don't. We are told we have to have one. Mine is that I take off 1 point on the assignment per class that it's late. Other teachers do 10% every calendar day it's late. Some teachers even do 50% off right away and then down from there, too. There are teachers who won't accept late work at all.

This class ended up getting an average of a 75.6% on this quiz. I'm not surprised but I'm so disappointed because what else am I supposed to do? Like, it's an honors class. It's not supposed to be as easy as the regular class, and I know it's not as hard as the AP class because I also teach AP. I cannot make it easier because then it loses it's integrity.

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autocann1bal · 2 years ago

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part ten of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 <;- part 2 <- part 3 <- part 4 <- part 5 <- part 6 <- part 7 <- part 8 <- part 9 <- right back in we go

stained glass and colorful tears - pierce the veil THE DIFFERENCE IN VIBES FROM THIS ONE AND THE LAST ONE IS SO FUNNY anyway. itd be funnier if lucy was american but i will stand by my lucy loves ptv hc.

careless whisper - george michael real ones have already heard this BUT THIS IS LITERALLY LOCKWOODS SONG CMON BRO HE LOVES IT SM HES LIKE IN THE KITCHEN ON LUCYS FIRST MORNING AT L&CO AND IS LIKE PUTTING ON ENTIRE PERFORMANCE USING A SPATULA AS A MIC CMON ITS SO FUNNY. hopelessly devoted to you - olivia newton john ok this one is a lucy george duo performance they both love this song sm and george absolutely can hit all the high notes. never ending summer - wes reeve RHRFHFHFHF FLUFFY SUMMER VIBES IN THE COUNTRYSIDE THEYRE JUST GOIN ON BIKERIDES AND PCINICS SOBS SCRESMS CREISA. to build a home - the cinematic orchestra, patrick watson shes reading to him in the library <3. could you love me while i hate myself - zeph the song fits the vibe less so but the lyrics are literally lockwood!!!!1!!!!11 stuck on us - claire rosinkranz, aidan bissett i am stuck on THEM theyre eating away at my brain fr. repeat until death - novo amor eepy library vibes (can u tell its my favorite vibe). sweet nothing - taylor swift lockwood is a taylor swift girly you can fight me on this. but yea this is more of him looking at lucy like <33. oceans - seafret oops angst now. lucy feels like theres oceans between them because lockwood is so refined and put together (or so she thinks until she hears him begging winkman to kill him) and shes so,,, not. she thinks shes messy, she thinks shes unprofessional and unfit for this job. stay live - jose gonzalez 'we'll do whatever just to stay alive' feels so lucy and george being the only things keeping lockwood alive. you wouldnt like me - sleeping at last RHRHFHFHFHFHFHFH lockwood feeling like if he shows lucy the real him she'll leave just like everyone else he just. hes so scared of being abandoned (me too homie). wildfire - seafret theyre so painfully in love i love them i love them i lvoe them eating drywall ilove them. hate to be lame - lizzie mcalpine, finneas lucy trying to deny her feelings for lockwood because/???? lockwood???? rteally??? tythat stuck up suit-and-tie wearing bastard?? LOCKWOOD???? type beat. glitch - taylor swift lockwood taylor swift girly agenda is spreading. this one feels relatively self explanatory? cognitive dissonance - sophie holohan 'get too close, build a wall' ok lockwood pack it up. summer 2019 - caroline culver feels like fight vibes. not a breakup fight but definitely a fight. sleep deprivation - chance pena lockwood insomniac part 769984580386. reckless driving - lizzie mcalpine, ben kessler this one is so close to being taken off the playlist actually i just. idk i need help deciding it doesnt feel right. did i make you up - half alive hes so confused because lucy is so??? perfect??? in his life???? impossible he has a hard time trying to figure out if shes real or not just because shes so perfect. agape - bears den lockwood song thats it thats the tweet yes i already make this joke bear with me. state of mind - sod ven more lockwood religious trauma methinks hahahahahahhahahahahahha. hot tea - half alive its even better since they all love tea sm. theyre so soft and fuzzy i love them sm. christmas kids - roar this one os very lucy centric/book lucy centric. its her sister (mary i believe?) watching her leave that tiny town and finally get rid of everything in it. WE'RE FINALLY FUCKING DONE THAT TOOK SO LONG </333

#lockwood and co #locklyle #lucy carlyle #anthony lockwood #george karim

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theuniverseawakens347 · 1 month ago

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Preston how ya come back… well .. Ian not working cuz he weird w Kimora aaja pimping n stealing .. I’m good dick toy fail n friendship fail ya only call pop up on my balcony when U MISS ME ..

And Noah DeCoursey I’m using speech text obviously, but you randomly popped up at seaside and told me the first time when you were on campus and if I was there and I told you come through to my dorm and I was going through stuff with Ian and I, but you’re telling somebody I was dating Tristan I wasn’t dating anybody ….

I literally broke up with Cameron a month into him moving to Berkeley because that Knigge started to get weird and possessive over me talking about them if I’m mad and we’re in an argument I can’t go out and hang out with anybody while I’m in my summer whatever and I’m trying to figure out my roommates and make friends on campus … I broke up with you for sure for good but told you we could still be friends because that’s what you need two weeks or a week and a half before I met Ian….

it was like at first sight for him and infatuation for me in hindsight because I’m looking at like oh you got muscles I like that you’re tall you’re taller than me. That’s the first boyfriend since high school except for Julian Harrell, but that was a boo thing and then you first here who like I don’t know I wanted a buzz down and I also just for sure for sure. Got rid of camera. We’re no longer dating. We’re back a friends zone. and I also just for sure for sure. Got rid of camera. We’re no longer dating. We’re back and friends zone.

but our first night of meeting, Ian invited us to a party or actually we were already going to the party, but he ended up being the driver to the party. I said in the front seat and he was trying to roll weed before we went into the party, but the Knigge was so nervous that I was I was verbally helping him and telling him there’s a faster way to do that but he wanted to do it so I let him and we stayed at the party for an hour and a half to two hours and brought us back to drop us off but it’s like 1112 I’m saying I’m hungry so the girls are like oh you and Ian should go get McDonald’s so we went and got McDonald’s and then we went back to the common room and the dorm lounge area and we stayed and talked until like 6 AM …. And immediately just broke up, but we’re in an awkward phase. I didn’t go straight into full detail, but I said he’s still trying to talk to me and I’m not talking to him and I literally showed you text messages between me and Cameron.

and then it went to like Cameron on the iPad doing the most. I guess somebody got back to him telling him that I’m now talking to a new Knigge so now Cameron’s talking about some well I want to come into town and hang out with you and like put a final into us, I need closure September 17, 2013 this popped up in town. I still had not fucked Ian… cause it was weird with Cameron being possessive over me and wouldn’t fucking let me go all the way and again I should’ve just cut that shit completely lesson learned in hindsight….

September 17, 2013 I take a trip home to LA. I get to come pick me up. I end up hanging out with Cameron I get to his house. He gets me strawberry covered chocolates knowing that’s my favorite thing but he’s never done that for me so I’m looking at him like what the fuck and he’s looking at me like please take me back and I’m thinking to myself myself and Knigge only do this Knigge fucked up and I broke up with you so you had to have cheated or done some dumb ass shit. … I didn’t even eat the strawberries. I probably ate one or something and put them back and I’m like we’re gonna we’re not getting back together and then we went. I think I left…. but I’m a backtrack because when I got to Cameron‘s house, his parents and everybody was gone and like same old feelings came rushing through so we like hung out in his room and was trying to fuck and I kept telling him I’m on my period. I’m not gonna do anything . ..

So then, after like I don’t know 45 minutes maybe I could be over exaggerating that time of chilling in his room he gives me the strawberries and then after that I was like well this is awkward because I basically told him we’re not gonna get back together, so then I left … curfew

and then the next day we went to Nico‘s house or somebody’s house maybe it was Nick Cotton‘s house but we’re playing video games or maybe it was Arman‘s house it was one of your close friends or maybe I don’t know definitely not Marlon’s house, but y’all were playing video games and you were like texting me. I told you my phone stopped working so I had to text you over Facebook messages because I didn’t know how to get away from you Knigge you were being overly clingy and weird when I said, I wanted to be friends and I was done with you and I didn’t wanna be rude about it because you just moved 400 miles away from your parents. I know that’s a Shellshock beat seeing as your mom is like your your main your main supporter so here comes another female you just as much as your mom, but I can’t make it to your Berkeley games because I don’t have a car and leaves me a fucking asshole so I can’t. I can’t beat that anymore for you but you need that but then also you’re acting weird on the back and telling me I can’t hang out with motherfuckers when we get into an argument so I said deuce Knigge I don’t like a Knigge possessive over me because I’m not possessive over y’all over y’all.

🤷🏽‍♀️🤷🏽‍♀️

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la-lauren · 10 months ago

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A lot has happened and I RARELY get time to just write on tumblr now. Dani is just always, always with me, and honestly, it's feeling overwhelming for the introvert that I am. I miss my writing/processing time. She likes to talk everything out, and I HATE IT. Like, I need time here to write first, and I just don't get that anymore. She does not understand my need for solitude in a way that she doesn't feel rejected. I try to explain it's not rejection, it's just ... me.

Anyway, I took the job. It's been a miserable week for everyone involved. Dani hates waking up early because she can't go back to sleep once I'm gone. The pets get up with me and then will not give her peace. Our dog, bless her heart, is the most anxious baby, and she has been crying for hours after I go to work. We keep trying different things to make it better for her, but nothing is working. Dani said she never did this with the former roommate or with her. Our dog just doesn't want to be away from me specifically. I'm not sure how to handle that, because I cannot, long term, listen to her cry like that either. When I'm getting ready to go, she starts begging me not to and crying. I felt SO dumb telling the recruiter today that I may need to quit anyway if we can't figure this out with our dog. She sounded so dumbfounded, but baby is a priority and I don't feel bad about that.

Dani would love me to quit though. My having an in-person job is just making her an extremely irritable person. So, so irritable. She can't fall asleep when I do, so she's up until 2-3 and then wakes up to my alarms between 6-7. That would make me irritable too. So she's getting offended a lot more easily, reading into things (incorrectly). BUT WE NEED THE MONEY, and I'm so frustrated because that is the only reason I went out and got a job.

Also, these earthquakes need to STOP. They make me want to cry every single time.

Anddd my labs came back. In November, my a1c was 5.2. That's when I had been averaging 5-7 miles per day in Chicago before moving here. Now my a1c is back to 5.6. Boo. My cholesterol was also fine in November and now it's all wonky. I currently average 2 miles per day, which isn't NOTHING, so I'm mad that my body is like, nah, babe, you need to do a whole ass 10k per day to stay healthy. And it is NOT the food. I was literally eating like 12 mozzie sticks as a meal in Chicago. Here, Dani has me eating much more balanced meals...lots of greens and fruits... so likeeee. (And yet I've gained 10 more pounds here since November...) My urine pH is high now. That's a new one. Waiting to see what doc says about that. Google goes straight to organ failure. Thankfully those markers are normal or I'd assume that was the case.

My white blood count is high again. It was high forever when I was sickest. I assume it's just inflammation.

The doctor did say she's willing to prescribe a GLP-1, so I'm looking forward to starting that. We aren't scheduled to chat about lab work for another 2 weeks though. Hopefully I can chill with the weight gain that long.

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haley-cassandra · 10 months ago

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I don’t think we’re breaking up tho. We’ve talked a lot about it, I’ve not tried to justify or make it okay in anyway. A lot of listening going in on my part. We had tequila for breakfast, and rum when the tequila ran dry.

This just sucks because like. I don’t know what to do. Do I make the decision to leave or do we stay and work try to work on it? Is it going to hurt him more in the long run or is it going to help him if we break up right now? One thing I do know for absolute certainty is that it would crush Connor, but I don’t want to think about that because we try to keep him separate from our relationship issues because there’s never a need to drag a child into the middle of that, they’re not pawns.

And his friends already hate me, and I literally just had to stop being friends with Bek because he really hates her. And like. Now I’m on tumblr, typing. Because it makes me feel better, I think?

I don’t know if I even want to be in a relationship with him anymore if he can’t trust me and his reasoning for not trusting me is valid and justified. But I’m not the same person I used to be, and that doesn’t take away from the fact that there are repercussions for my actions and that’s literally what this is. The only real question I can think of is am I willing to set my pride down again so he can rebuild trust in me. And it sucks because “again? FUCKING AGAIN?” Like. Yes. Again. I’ve fucked up a lot in this relationship. A lot a lot. And like I do not want to ask him to be in a relationship with someone he doesn’t feel like he can trust. Where is the happiness in that?

And Damnit man I don’t trust him. And I’ve done a lot of reflection on that and I think I figured out what happened because I’ve not trusted any dude I’ve dated, ever. So me not trusting him isn’t just because of things he’s done, it’s because I got trauma like a motherfucker. I hurt this man because Jessie hurt me. And I never got past that hurt. And I think that’s why I kept trying to talk to Jackie, because Jess hammered into my head to stay away from him and subconsciously I thought it would hurt Jessie if he found out I was talking to his brother. Which is delusional on levels I didn’t know were possible until I sat down and got real with myself. I never dealt with the fact that I had no idea I was being cheated on for 6 months, lied to, treated as an option, put into a toxic submissive state that I never left, made the mold for how I would view love and relationships and marriage. And it sucks. That dude sexually abused me, I used to be covered in bruises all over my chest, stomach, thighs. He punched lockers when I didn’t give him what he wanted, and once while I was leaning against the lockers for support he punched the locker so close to my face I felt the wind off his fist. He pushed me so hard that when I fell into Hannah, we both fell and pushed the trashcan across the hall. He would constantly tell me that he wanted to get back together with me, and then he’d kiss Brittany in front of my locker, and then he’d turn around and act like we’re friends again just to keep hurting me. He forced me to put his dick in my mouth one time in the backseat of my mom’s van in the dark because I had been telling him no and I was afraid. He would scream at me and make me feel like shit and play the victim because I didn’t want to lose my virginity on the floor of the boy’s bathroom. But he would walk to old bell high to get wifi in the snow just to tell me he loved me and goodnight and he couldn’t wait to see me. He would surprise me with cute little love letters that made my heart skip a beat because finally someone was choosing to love me. And I never got past that, and I didn’t know I hadn’t gotten past it because I stopped thinking about it. And I do not want to be the type of person who does that to people, not anymore, I can’t. And I can’t ask Chris to stay in a relationship with me because I’ve hurt him so much, and he doesn’t know if I’ll hurt him again and that’s going to make it so much harder for him to stay with me. And I don’t know if he’s thinking clearly. Breaking up with me was probably the right call. Backtracking that and telling me we don’t have to break up after he calmed down a little, I don’t know if that was a good call. I wasn’t pushing one way or the other, I will be taking my play calls from his book in this game.

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