#I literally never chase or pursue nor do I care to do like… you’re in this by yourself lmao

[rottenlittlefink]

Socializing with neurotypicals is like trying to cut the right color chord but you’re colorblind. And you’re also a fucking horse. And no matter which wire you cut, the bomb will still explode.

Edit cus I published this post too early: Possibly triggering rant in tags oops lol it’s my personal blog ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[bratz-kitten]

the sun through the houses 

sun in the 1st house: you irradiate confidence and self-assurance, as if you know exactly who the fuck you are and what you're here to do and people are very drawn to that kind of energy in you, to the way you're so full of life, spontaneous, ready to face anything that life throws at you and your ambitious nature. you thrive when you're uplifting others to feel as good as you do because you don't want to shine alone, and because on the inside, you might be much more insecure than people are aware of - you understand what it's like to be at rock bottom, but you're good at hiding this part of yourself. can be very controlling and competitive, and if you were raised in an environment where your parents used to fight a lot, you might chase conflict wherever you go. be careful with being arrogant and proud, and be aware that your strong energy might overwhelm a lot of people. whatever you do, you follow your heart. you need appreciation and recognition from others. you keep your cool in the most stressful situations. 

sun in the 2nd house: you crave to achieve financial success; here, the planet of the ego is tied to the house that rules material possessions and our self-worth, so you want to achieve power by getting rich because that's how you feel safe. you're very talented when it comes to business and making good investments that'll allow you to get to the next step. when it comes to your ambitions, if you want something, you'll work hard for it and only stop when you get it. you're very witty, with your dry humor and sarcastic personalities, you truly have the best comebacks lmao and above all, you always keep your word. you take pleasure in everything lavish that life has to offer; you have great taste and know when something is of value almost instinctively. you need to make sure you're appreciating the people in your life instead of only what you own and your ambitions because you're at your best when you're expressing your kind and generous side. you might be into retail therapy when you feel sad or empty, but afterward, you might feel terrible because the fulfillment shopping gives you is only temporary. careful with being controlling or possessive. 

sun in the 3rd house: you use your mind like a weapon. you truly have a way with words and you're able to express yourself in a way that leaves everyone wanting to know more about you; but most of all, you crave to keep on learning more and more and to expand your knowledge, because that's what feeds your soul. spontaneous personality; bold but unpredictable and you feel a sense of pride whenever you think about your friends, they're very important to you. you have the capability to bring stories to life, this placement is amazing for aspiring writers, and you like analyzing your surroundings which, in turn, makes you a very adaptable person. constant change in your way of thinking because you're always viewing things from different perspectives. you can become easily bored when you aren't feeling mentally stimulated, which is why you're always seeking new experiences, communicating with others and why you live so much in the present. persuasive. people who don't seek to expand their minds terrify you. you refuse to live in the shadows of your siblings, you have a need to stand as your own person. 

sun in the 4th house: when the planet of the ego is in the house of our family life, our inner experiences and our childhood trauma, you are blessed with a rich inner experience that leads you to want to delve deep into what you went through and how those experiences shaped you into the person you are today – and that means the trauma you went through, too. if you had bad experiences in your child, your journey is longer and harder because you find it harder to understand life, and you might've compared your home life to the "outside world" a lot, feeling like they were two different entities (think sinclair from demian). you're very caring and nurturing and very attached to your family, either the one you were brought under or the one you want to establish. having a home that feels cozy and safe is what brings you security, and you want to bring happiness to the ones you love the most. be careful with being too pessimistic and feeling paranoid that something bad will suddenly happen, and also with being too controlling and domineering. you need a lot of reassurance, but be careful with coming off as if you don't trust your loved ones. very strategic, you play the long game. 

sun in the 5th house: you literally irradiate artistic talent and creativity! you thrive when you express yourself and your originality and get recognized for it, and appreciation for your efforts is very important to you. intelligent, you can be very cunning and strategic, at the same time that your optimism and spontaneous nature naturally commands attention from others. very dramatic, you shine in the eyes of others. but although you have a happy aura to you, you can be very hard on yourself, thinking you're not good enough whenever you're not being appreciated. at your worst, you can have an exaggerated sense of pride, dominating energy, manipulative tendencies or feeling less than others. you may fluctuate between focusing a lot on yourself and being overly generous with everyone in your life. bold, you do a lot just to feel alive. you're very loyal and love deeply, passionate and nurturing, but be careful with involving yourself with people who take advantage of that. you should realize that appreciation should come from yourself and not others. if you add discipline to your originality, you can become very successful. 

sun in the 6th house: one of your driving forces is your attachment to your work and your need to be of service for others and to be recognized for your efforts. health, dieting, exercise and keeping a structured routine are very important to you. you have a constant need to be perfect and that can be your own worst enemy, because when you or others aren't meeting your high standards, you might feel like you're weak and have your insecurities taking over you. you can't stand being told what to do. very self-aware. a tendency to be a workaholic because it's what makes you feel proud of yourself; you need to feel like you're making the world a better place. stress can easily physically affect you, you should understand that validation needs to come from yourself and not from others, and accept that having imperfections is human, it doesn't make you weak! careful with having a routine too restrictive that doesn't allow you to have fun, work can become an obsession for you. you truly always want more and need to keep busy and productive to feel safe. don't let your insecurities stop you from pursuing your ambitions. 

sun in the 7th house: you have a very strong sense of justice because of your capability of analyzing a problem from all different perspectives. you need to bring peace everywhere you go and to help others in any way you can. you have a special charm that others feel drawn to, and many admire you for your caring nature and talent at giving advice, making you often the center of attention in the middle of groups. sociable and good with words, you're very persuasive; although you might tend to identify yourself too much with what others think of you – you should understand that others' opinions aren't that important and it's how you view yourself that matters. you crave affection and are very sensitive when it comes to your relationships, you would do anything for your loved ones and you're very in tune with their needs. you can have people-pleasing tendencies because you're terrified of rejection. you're determined to succeed and to build an amazing self-image because you have a gift when it comes to social intelligence. can have some open enemies.

sun in the 8th house: can attract a chaotic life that pushes you into achieving transformations because that's how you grow and evolve, through the process of death and rebirth. you can't deal with superficiality and you crave deep connections with people, intimacy and to evolve with the person you love. creative. you may feel like the universe sends you messages so that you'll reach an awareness of some kind. you love experiencing new things and especially with yourself, you constantly look forward to changing your appearance and your spiritual or emotional views on the world. you feel a need for self-improvement. very secretive, you value privacy more than anything and you don't allow almost anyone to figure you out. you might be terrified of not finding people who want to connect with you as deeply as you want with them. tendency to isolate yourself emotionally, as in you might open up to others about superficial matters but when it comes to emotions, you're terrified of showing that part of yourself. you want to help others through their darkest times. 

sun in the 9th house: you love learning and dream of exploring the world, it's like you can absorb any information that you get your hands on. very idealistic and dreamy, it's hard for you to keep grounded on reality and material things when you're so concerned with the metaphysical, to understanding the secrets of the universe and all that is spiritual, philosophical, religious and transcendental. so enthusiastic and curious, it's like you can't stay still for a minute and long to go on adventures. you can see the best in people, but be careful with only seeing their good parts – you need to understand that nothing is black or white and people are morally grey and complex, not all bad nor all good. might be very pessimistic if you've gone through something traumatic that completely shattered your perceptions of the good in the world; you might feel like things are never going to get better (i promise they are). very proud of your knowledge. high ideals and honesty. loyal to your beliefs always. careful with being too authoritative. 

sun in the 10th house: when the planet of the ego falls in the house of social status, you seek power above all. you want fame, notoriety and to lead, and when not achieving what you want, you might become insecure. you can't help that ambition runs in your blood, but you should make sure you're doing things because you love doing them and not just to get recognized. it's like you need to achieve so that you can feel proud of yourself because you never felt that kind of support when you were younger, and achieving success feels like a life or death matter to you. you ooze charisma and you naturally draw attention to yourself, wanting to be recognized for your talents. very aware of how others perceive you. but even if you're a great leader, you hate following orders which can make you have problems with those in charge – be careful with making enemies and with stepping on others to get what you want, it’s very important that you keep a strong sense of morals or else you can grow to be arrogant and tyrannical. at your worst you can start abusing your power; at your best, you can use it to better the lives of all those around you like a true leader.

sun in the 11th house: here, the planet of ego is in the house of friendships, hopes, inventions and the collective, making you shine when you're able to help others. your friends are the most important thing for you, but be careful with identifying too much with them. you carry yourself with so much confidence, you're so full of life and with a love for learning and giving to others. eccentric personality and big dreams. you want to stand for a cause that matters to you alongside others who you love. others gravitate towards your magnetism, individuality and friendly nature, naturally looking up to you as a leader. if you happen to have been betrayed in the past, you might shut yourself completely from friendships due to a fear of trusting the wrong person again, but please don't deny yourself your need to socialize and to express your revolutionary ideas to others because you truly shine when you're around those who you trust and help you grow. 

sun in the 12th house: you might have a very hard time understanding who you are and your identity, and because of this sense of unclarity about yourself + your intuitive and empathetic nature where you absorb others' energies like a sponge and need a lot of solitude to recharge yourself, you might feel like you need to keep a mask in public, to play a character to feel safe interacting with others. plus, it doesn't help that you have perfectionist tendencies and hate failing and making mistakes. there's a tendency to feel very insecure and misunderstood, and to feel melancholic and with turbulent emotions, so you should be gentler with yourself and allow yourself to express your sensitivities, the way you're so compassionate and giving. because even if you need time to recharge for introspection, you shine when you can help others. be careful with developing self-destructive behaviors. artistic tendencies because of the depth of your emotions and inner world. you can be truly wise and others might see you as an "old soul" because of that. you might be a night owl. psychic potential. 

[solarwonux]

prince!wonwoo x witch!reader 

w.c: 4.3k (I almost made it 5k but I stopped myself) 

warnings: murder, death, alcohol, tarot cards, running away, witchy things if you squint, angst, smut, ropes. 

note: special special thanks to my baby @starlightshua she named this beauty lmao. I re wrote this story so many times, literally the first draft of this was nothing like this and then I woke up at 5am today and rewrote the entire thing. I’m pretty proud so I hope you enjoy it. Also let me know if you want more of this, I have some ideas. Enjoy.x

Wonwoo pushes the tavern door open a little too hard. It hits the brick wall behind it, the sound erupting through the wasted and nearly wasted bodies that occupied the space. He doesn’t care, he needs a drink or many of them for that matter so he walks letting the door rattle obnoxiously behind him. The people eyeing him down like he just murdered their first born and not interrupted their nightly escapades.

He reaches the bar taking the worn out stool at the end and taps his fingers against the wooden counter. He was a regular and sadly had gotten used to the mustiness that was etched into the walls of the place and yet he still felt out of place.

“What does our royal guest of honor want tonight?” Mingyu rapped his fingers drumming in front of Wonwoo, grabbing his attention.

“Not royal, but bourbon please.”

Ever since he ran away from his Royal duties and somehow ended up in a tavern that existed harmoniously to bring two worlds together. Wonwoo had seen and witnessed things he had only grown up hearing during his mother’s bedtime stories. A secret language they shared when hidden behind the comfort of his bedroom. Away from the torturous hands of the King.

“As you wish your majesty.” Mingyu’s sarcastic drawl took him out of the spiral inside his head. He rolled his eyes obnoxiously as he watched Mingyu throw his head back in laughter, his fangs catching in the reflection of the dim light causing a chill to roll up his spine. “You’re so uptight tonight, relax a little Prince Charming.” He winked at Wonwoo before turning around and walking away from him.

No matter how hard he tried to leave the life he had behind, everyone here in this tavern that belonged neither here nor there, loved to remind him that he still had the king’s royal blood coursing through his veins. Usually, he didn’t mind, sometimes he would play into the character when he was drunk enough to earn a few laughs. But tonight on the final night of October, he didn’t want to be reminded of his true identity.

On Hallows Eve, three years ago his life had gone south. He was set to marry a princess from a neighboring kingdom and he couldn’t wait to meet her during the annual ball. He had woken up that morning with a jolt and skipped a step as he made his way to his mother and father’s private chamber. When he arrived, his heart, in his throat. He found his father the charming King beloved by his people with his hands around his mother’s throat and a murderous glimmer behind his soft eyes while she slowly turned a rough shade of blue.

Wonwoo felt his world crash onto the ground. his father didn’t stop no matter how hard he pleaded for him too. His tears fell onto the palace grounds creating tsunami’s as he witnessed his mother take her last breath.

He ran, ran to where his feet could carry him. Packed up anything that could fit in the tiny knapsack he used whenever he went to explore the forest behind the palace. And left, leaving behind the life he had only ever known.

He traveled for three days on foot without food nor rest, before he came across the tavern that smelled more like rotten feet than whiskey. He met Mingyu, who had recognized him right away and gave him the tavern’s royal treatment. Food, water and the rickety old room just above the tavern.

“It’s not satin or velvet or whatever you guys use over there, but it’s enough for you to sleep. Just pay me back by working here every odd day of the week.” Mingyu said, clapping his shoulder and leaving him behind to deal with his new reality.

That night was the night he was able to mourn his mother’s death and his own one as well. The king had come out publicly with fake tears in his eyes to say that his wife and his second born son had fallen ill to an illness and that when the royal physicians realized it, it had been too late. Though, everyone in the tavern knew the truth and he found comfort knowing that they hated the king just as much as he did.

“Penny for your thoughts my prince.” The angelic voice he had grown to love so much took him out of his thoughts. He lived in his head too much and he was thankful he had you —a witch he had met during one of his shifts over a year ago, to ground him back down onto Earth.

“Don’t call me that.” He smiled and grabbed hold of your hand and brought it up to his lips. He kissed it lightly keeping his eyes on yours as they burned holes of fire into them. You tensed up feeling the heat run up your body. It was laughable. You, a witch who could make anyone succumb and fall at her feet, was letting a runway prince pursue her and turn her into mush at his feet.

“You liked it when I said in bed once.”

“That was one time, princess.” He winked, enjoying the way your cheeks flushed. Your body reacted amorously to him and each time it bubbled an emotion deep inside of him that he wasn’t sure what it was. It scared him and excited him all at the same time.

Wonwoo stopped believing in love three years ago but every time you were nearby. He believed that he could again.

“One to many times Wonwoo.” You toyed as you took the empty seat next to him. Your hand still entrapped in his and you weren’t planning on letting go any time soon.

Mingyu rolled his eyes and placed Wonwoo’s drink in front of him, “Wonwoo has a prince kink?.” He mumbled his voice laced with disgust. “I should’ve known.” and leaned against the wooden table, shooting daggers at Wonwoo.

“Not a kink if that’s what he is Gyu.”

Wonwoo didn’t care that he still had royal blood in him, because whenever he found himself laughing at Mingyu’s poor attempts to flirt with nymphs. Or your presence next to him he forgot that he did. He wondered if his mother had led him here to this repulsive tavern in order to meet the two of you.

Although Wonwoo knew you were perfectly capable at defending yourself. He loved walking you home.

The two of you trailed down the dirt path hand in hand; chasing the blue light of the moon. Comfortable silence erupting between your bodies. Wonwoo never felt more at home then now.

“So what’s a witch like you doing with a commoner like me on Hallow’s Eve.” Wonwoo glanced at you his eyes sparkling like they held a million galaxies and you found yourself wanting to get lost in them. “Don’t you have rituals or cards to read, aren’t you the most powerful underneath a blue moon.” He edged on making you smile.

“Are you saying you want your cards read again?” You bumped your shoulder against his. His grip on your hand falters making you giggle.

Wonwoo’s eyes grew wider than the moon as he remembered the night you read his cards to him for the first time a few weeks ago and he blushed. “Last time you read my cards I ended tied up.”

“Well that’s cause you picked my sex deck Wonwoo, we’ve been over this.” You stopped walking and leaned up to kiss his cheek, leaving a plum lipstick mark behind. “Don’t act like you didn’t like it.” You whispered in his ear.

Wonwoo swallowed hard at your taunting tone. He knew you were right and he hated it. If you had asked him with that infamous bat of your eyelashes he would’ve done it again. “For once angel I want to see you tied up.” He blurted out, his cheeks turning a rough shade of red as he processed what he had said after he had said.

“Okay, but you’re going to have to catch me first.”

“Catch you, what a—.”

Before Wonwoo could finish his sentence you took off running. Wonwoo threw his head back in disbelief, his body coursing with exhaustion for a brief second before he took off as well. This is what he loved most, the adrenaline rush you brought to him. Although sometimes he thought you were too much he wouldn’t trade the moments he spent with you for anything in the world. Not even for his mother’s life and you had offered a few times, but he refused because with you he felt complete.

Your laughter rang through the howling branches of the trees surrounding the two of you. Wonwoo’s body felt like it was floating as he chased after you, the cool night air hitting his face as he ran with everything in him. It reminded him of the times he spent at the palace gardens chasing after his older brother, his mother’s voice ringing in his ears as she joined in halfway. It was these moments where he was the most carefree, that reminded him of his mother. That made him miss her with everything in his being. It was moments like these where the anger and resentment towards his father would surface and he wished he hadn’t had run away that day. But this was different because for the first time in his life he was running towards someone, a goal.

“Maybe you don’t want it enough Wonwoo. Are you even trying?” You teased, he could tell he was close from how loud your voice sounded. It only gave him motivation to run faster, so he did.

You faded into view, it felt like he was seeing you for the first time in his life. You were leaning against a tree, arms cockily crossed in front of you, waiting. He let his feet carry him like the wind around him and soon he was crashing into you like an ocean wave. You laughed silently. The impact, knocking the air out of your lungs making you feel lighter than a cloud.

Almost as if by instinct Wonwoo’s arms found their way around your body, his face morphing into one of concern. He didn’t mean to crash into you as hard as he did or at all, but sometimes when he was with you his body acted as if it were unattached to his brain. “I’m sorry are you okay?” He placed his fingers underneath your chin lifting your head up so your watery eyes locked with his.

You planted your hands on his chest, balling your fist wrinkling his starch white button down and nodded. “With-- y-you I’m always okay.” You gasped and closed the distance. Your lips were on his faster than he could blink and he felt himself melt.

In fairytales silver and water were a witches ' kryptonite. In this life you were Wonwoo’s.

Wonwoo didn’t win but he should’ve known you were going to give in to his desires. Despite your sneaky ways he knew he could always trust you but still it had caught him off guard when you had given him the onyx ropes upon entering your small cottage.

“You wanted to tie me up right? Now’s your chance.” The amount of trust that laid behind your eyes was overwhelming. And no one, not even his mother, had trusted him like you did.

He placed the ropes down on your old wooden bed and kissed you with everything in him.

When his mother would tell him the damsel in distress stories during bed time. She always described the ending kiss as if it were the most magical thing in the universe, with fireworks exploding and butterflies running mayhem in pits of stomachs. But you weren’t a damsel in distress and his mother’s description of a true love’s kiss didn’t do this kiss justice.

Wonwoo very much felt like he was thrown in the middle of space and was now dumbly floating around. His body felt lighter than air, but heavy at the same time. He didn’t feel fireworks nor the butterflies but he did feel the adrenaline dip in the mouth of his stomach and the strikes of lightning that raced through his veins. He felt brand new, and he was ready to give himself to you, just like he had many nights before but this time it felt different, important and special.

Maybe Wonwoo was finally releasing the lock he had around his heart, but if he didn’t know any better--and he didn’t. He was positive that what he was feeling for you in this moment of vulnerability was love.

“I want to take my time.” He whispered against your lips as your fingers toyed with the buttons of his shirt. “I want to be with you forever but I don’t know how.” He crushed the hem of your silk black shirt between his fingers. Your hands stopped their movements and you pulled away. They wandered up to his cheek, your index finger playing with the tiny sunspots that only you were able to see. He looked so small and scared and you were sure you mirrored his same expression because the grip he had on your shirt got tighter.

You had been in love once. Many lifetimes ago and they had been taken from you because of what you were. You promised yourself you would never love again and you spent years alone, until you found yourself in the odd old tavern.

For as long as you lived in the old supernatural town, you never once paid attention to that old tavern. Until one night during blue moon much like the one tonight, a little over a year ago you found yourself drawn to it. Your feet carried you there by themselves, your mind on autopilot and before you knew you were sitting in front of the bar, looking at a curious boy that resembled the prince you grew up hating, but that was impossible because he had been dead for years.

To your surprise he was the prince and he had spilled two strawberry margaritas on you ruining your new favorite shirt. You cursed him out, wondering why he wasn’t deader than dead as he apologized. He dropped everything before taking your hand in his and leading you up the rickety old stairs that led to the room above. Without a word he tore his poor excuse of a room apart until he found you a clean shirt and you put it on not after pushing him out of the room for some privacy.

If you had known that you would still keep that same shirt hidden deep in your closet you would’ve laughed because that was the first night you started to fall for him and every passing moment you were with him felt like you were being reborn again. Like a part of you didn’t die behind the flames of the burning fire as you watched your lover yell out for his life. That memory was buried deep in your mind and you had never told Wonwoo in fear that he would look at you differently. Like you weren’t his lifeline anymore, so, you kept it locked away inside of your heart just like the love you felt for him. One day you would tell him just not tonight. Tonight you wanted to keep your secret and instead be with him in every way possible.

“Take your time but tonight make me yours please.”

Wonwoo didn’t tie the ropes hard enough and it made you laugh at his shaking hands as they traveled down your flushed out body. You had assured him that you had suffered through worse than the burning of ropes against your skin. But he paid no attention to your statement as he finished his second and final loop on your bedpost.

He kissed his way down your body slowly, giving extra love the parts he knew would have you unraveling in no time.

This was one of the things you loved most about him, instead of getting what he wanted and leaving. He took his time getting to know your wants and needs. You’ve had many lovers in the past and none of them had felt nor treated you the way Wonwoo did.

With love.

“You feel so warm already.” He whispered against the skin of your stomach, slowly getting closer to where you wanted him most. His hands squeezed your thigh and prided them open as he kissed his way further down, hovering his mouth against your clothed core.

You whimpered, tugging at his roots in attempts to bring him closer, “Please Wonwoo please.” You let out an exasperated breath. “I need you close.”

Wonwoo smirked leaving an open mouthed kiss against your core, savoring your honeyduke sweetness that seeped through your panties. Your grip on his hair got tighter as he continued to tease you. Kissing you and humming like he was tasting his last meal. He lapped up once more groaning before hooking his thumbs against the waistband of your panties and pulled them down, sitting down on his knees and throwing them somewhere in your room, joining your already discarded clothes.

The coolness of the wind coming in from your open window made the goosebumps rise against your soft skin. Wonwoo sucked in a breath as he took in how wet you were and for him.

No matter how many times he found himself in this position, your body's reaction to him always left him floored. “Take a picture, it will last longer.” You joked, placing your leg against his shoulder and pulling him down towards you again. Catching him off guard, just like you always did.

“One day I will and then I won’t stop and by the end of it all, I’ll have my own private collection.” He winked laying down in between your legs again. He kissed up your thighs alternating between the two, taking his sweet time like he always did.

“I bet you’d like that...f-fuck.” Wonwoo lapped up your entrance and wrapped his perfect lips around your clit. He closed his eyes savoring your taste, his blunt nails digging into the skin of your thighs.

“Y-Your mouth was—ahh, your mouth was made from the h-heavens.” You arched your back, pushing his head closer with your legs entrapping him. Your hands grabbing on the ropes as you felt your orgasm approach.

A throaty groan fell out of his mouth, sending the vibration up your clit and through your body. The knot in your stomach starting to get tighter. Wonwoo’s index and middle finger swirls around in your pussy. Bathing in the wetness before he slowly inserts them. He always knew you were warm inside but today it felt like you were on fire and he couldn’t wait to devour you further.

He hums happily pulling away and sits up, your leg falling from his shoulder making you whine at the loss of his mouth. “Patience baby I’ll give you everything you want tonight.” He assures before pushing his fingers in even further, your heat entrapping him.

“Ah, f-fuck this feels better than my charms.

“You have sex charms?” He poses curiously. You were a book full of fairytales and he couldn’t wait to read you front in back until the last day of his life.

“I have charms for a lot of things.” You throw your head back in pleasure as he lets his fingers take control. “I-I can show them to you one day.” You let out a breath as you felt your orgasm nearing.

“Why not now?” He brought his thumb onto your clit and started rubbing figure eights circumoniously, while his fingers pistoned into you. If anyone were to ask him what his favorite pastime was he would cheekily answer that it was you falling apart because of him.

“Don’t need them...you make me cum.” You arched your back and pulled on your ropes as your orgasm flooded over you. You moaned Wonwoo’s name like an old incantation in your book of spells as he continued to help you ride out your orgasm.

You always looked beautiful to Wonwoo, like a goddess or an angel sent from above. But the way you looked when you fell apart underneath him, was breathtaking and he wanted to remember it forever.

“Did that feel good?” He takes his fingers out, his palm rubbing soothing circles against your thigh as he brings them up to his lips. Your spent pussy clenched over nothing as you watched him, eyes locked with yours savoring you.

You nod, “It was orgasmic.” You joked. Your weak attempt of a pun makes him laugh. You freed yourself from his poor attempt at binding you to the bed and sat up. Wonwoo watched you dreamily as you wrapped your arms around his neck planting a soft kiss to his wet lips.

“Make me cum again my prince.”

“I’ll make you cum until first light.”

Wonwoo kept true to his word, pulling four more orgasms from you. Each one more intense than the other and you found yourself craving for more, but he had stopped sensing your exhaustion.

He had been right earlier that night in the forest. You were strongest on Hallows Eve and underneath a blue moon, but when it came to Wonwoo you were weak. You didn’t mind it because it was to someone who would without a doubt catch you if you fell hard.

You had read it in his cards the first and only time you drew them for him. You didn’t voice it because his face when you had exposed his kinks was priceless. And because you feared that if you did you would lose him before you could tell him how you felt about him. You weren’t sure when you would but if he kept looking at you and holding you like you were his entire universe. You would without a doubt forget your fears and confess.

“I love you.” Wonwoo’s eyes got wide as he brought his hands up to his mouth covering it. “Sorry I—I fuck I-“

“I love you.” You copied his actions. The two of you letting the silence overcome your ragged breaths. Until he laughed, making you laugh as well. You grabbed his hand and brought it close to your body.

It was unbelievable how afraid the two of you had been when the two of you had unknowingly fallen for each other long ago. Wonwoo sat up on his elbows and moved so he was hovering over you again. “I’ve never once loved, and I’m sure I love you more than anything in this world.” He pecked your lips repeatedly before laying half of his body on yours carefully and putting his head against your chest humming happily.

“I once loved but I didn’t love them the way I love you Wonwoo.”

“That must mean I’m special princess.”

You rolled your eyes, your hands coming up to his shoulders and kneading out the tension that had formed over years of unnecessary stress. “Not a princess...but you’re more than special.”

“In my eyes you’ll always be my princess.” He left a chaste kiss against your collar bone. “But you’re more than special to me too baby, and since we’ve established that can you tell me what’s been bothering you all night.”

“Nothing’s bothering me, why are you asking?”

“You didn’t drink tonight and back when we were walking home you were spaced out half of the time.” He traced a finger up your side teasingly.

You sighed and stopped massaging his shoulders. He was right you had been distracted for half the night wondering how you should tell him the last secret you had. This one you couldn’t keep hidden away because it involved him and his biggest heartbreak.

“I drew a card from my deck this morning.”

He hummed and lifted his head, his eyebrows knitting together, “What was it, anything bad?”

You bit your lip, knitting your fingers into his hair. “The Empress, sometimes I read her as a fertility card an-“

“You’re pregnant?” Wonwoo sat up, your hand falling onto his chest. You giggled, shaking your head profusely. Your contraception charms were safer than any kind of contraception out there.

“God no Wonwoo, not now, but you told me your mom loved peonies right?”

“Yeah, the palace was always filled with them.”

“Okay well for days I’ve been seeing peonies pop up randomly around this place and I just thought it was a coincidence. When I drew my card this morning, The Empress was surrounded by peonies, but I really didn’t think anything of it. When I entered the tavern last night there were peonies in the flowerbed growing. And now that I think about it they were there too the night I met you.”

“What are you saying, that my mom is here somehow?” His voice was filled with hope and you tried hard not to cringe at the sound. The thought had crossed your mind a few times but you always had to remember that even though the supernatural existed peacefully in this world. That rule didn’t apply to the dead, they had strict rules on their side of the realm. If his mom was making an attempt to contact him he was sacrificing her chances at reincarnation.

“I’m saying that maybe your mom didn’t tell you who she really was.”

“Are you saying she was a witch like you?”

As soon as the words left his mouth, he felt comfort. Everything about his childhood made sense. The random peonies that would appear in the garden during the mid of winter. The stories that didn’t feel like stories but more like memories. And her sudden death. He wasn’t sure if his father had known or if he had found out that morning, but whatever the case was he was positive that she had sent you to him. His greatest and last gift to him from her and had never felt more at peace.

“Yes.”

[t4tlawlight]

YOU'RE AN AVENGER, A DEATH ANGEL. YOU KILL PEOPLE WHO ASK FOR IT, WHO DESERVE TO DIE. YOU'RE A WATCHDOG, A PROTECTOR OF THINGS DECENT. YOUR COMFORTS ARE SACRIFICED FOR EFFICIENCY -- YOU CAN'T DO WHAT HAS TO BE DONE WITH PEOPLE MOANING AND CLINGING TO YOU, YOU CAN'T STRIKE WITH POSSESSIONS WEIGHING YOU DOWN. YOU HAVE A CLEAR HEAD AND NO REGRETS. YOU CAN TAKE OUT ANYONE BECAUSE YOU'RE STRIPPED DOWN AND YOU DON'T DEPEND ON OR TRUST A SOUL. YOU ARE EFFECTIVE BECAUSE YOU DON'T LOVE ANYBODY OR ANYTHING. YOU'RE A ONE- MAN FORCE, THE PERFECT INSTRUMENT OF DESTINY.

– "INFLAMMATORY ESSAYS 5" by Jenny Holzer

(this is a companion piece to Love and Belonging, my early drama light analysis! [LINK] i heavily recommend reading it before continuing this analysis, as i reference events and ideas explained in that post.)

in my previous analysis of drama light, i focused on the events that led him to become the man we see in the beginning of the drama: a gentle, kind man who is underachieving but still brilliant, who takes a maternal role in his household after the death of his mother. This is all crucial to understanding Light’s character in the drama and how the events leading up to him becoming Kira change in line with his altered characterization, but that analysis only barely skimmed the surface of Light’s character development throughout the drama, and especially after L’s death.

the drama fandom--including me!--is somewhat guilty of making blanket statements about drama light’s morality as opposed to his manga counterpart, that drama light is kinder and gentler in comparison to manga light. this may be true early on, but i would argue that as the series progresses, drama light willingly and deliberately throws away his love and humanity just as much--if not more!--than his manga counterpart.

to understand what i mean it’s important to compare light’s relationship with his father between the adaptations.

in the manga, light grows up idolizing his father, loving and admiring him and wanting to follow in his footsteps as a police officer. his morality that leads to him ultimately becoming Kira comes from Soichiro, as does his dissatisfaction with the world as he sees his father work himself to the bone trying to eradicate crime that seems to never end.

there’s a lot more that can be said about the nature of their relationship and about how Light desperately seeks his father’s approval, but instead of typing out an entire analysis i’ll link you to this post by tumblr user mikami [LINK], which is a very good analysis of the two of them in the manga.

conversely, in the drama Light begins much the same, but Soichiro choosing to chase a criminal instead of being by his wife’s deathbed--leaving his children to witness their mother’s passing alone--strains Light’s relationship with him. Light has much of the same morals and worldview as manga Light, but now believes that his father’s morality is more or less worthless, since he had to give up his family to pursue justice.

Light: When my mother died when I was a kid, my father was off chasing a criminal… I thought my father’s form of justice couldn’t be worth much, if he had to sacrifice even his family to see it through.

– Episode 7

however, it’s important to note that while Light is cold with his father and resents his occupation, that does not mean that Light does not still love and idolize his father. he wants his father’s love and support, and he cares as deeply for him as does his manga counterpart. in fact, drama light only becomes kira out of a desire to protect his father--after his first, accidental murder, he throws away the Death Note and tries to forget about it. however, his father is taken hostage by a criminal who intends on seeking revenge for Soichiro putting him in jail years ago, and Light is forced to retrieve the note and write the criminal’s name to protect his father.

[photo: a zoomed in shot of the Death Note. Light is writing the name “Otoharada Kuro” in Japanese. the penmanship is shaky and nearly illegible from how hard Light’s hand is trembling.]

– Episode 1

Light is literally shaking with terror as he writes the name of the man about to kill his father.

and this is not something Light does lightly--after he saves his father and it’s announced that Otoharada is dead, Light is absolutely stricken with guilt and horror for murdering two people, including the man who was about to kill his father. he saved his father’s life at the price of another, because he loves his father--and his entire family--very deeply.

it’s also worth noting a slight difference between the manga and the drama; after the mock execution, drama Soichiro admits that he believed Light could be guilty and was prepared to die. Light--who at this point has no memory of being Kira and thus completely believes himself to be wrongly accused--does not blame his father for not trusting him. Light, who desperately wants his father’s approval, does not blame him in the slightest: instead, the subject of his anger is Kira himself for putting Soichiro in this position and making Soichiro suffer.

Light: I… I hate Kira. Kira, who made you suffer this way… I hate him so much. Soichiro: Light… Light: Please catch him. I believe that you can catch Kira, Dad.

[photo: Light and Soichiro in an abandoned parking garage. the two of them are crouching beside Soichiro’s car. Soichiro is hugging Light, who weakly raises his hands to hold his father in return.]

– Episode 6

the two of them embrace and weep before collecting themselves and returning to Countermeasures.

by this point in the story, it’s obvious that both versions of Light love Soichiro very much. Light is creating his “new world” for the good of humanity but also for the people he loves the most--his family.

later, the emotional death of manga Light comes after the passing of his father, which he never wanted nor planned for. he never wanted Soichiro to be in a position to get hurt and he is never, ever the same after Soichiro's death, especially because he never gains his father’s approval for his actions as Kira--in fact, Soichiro leaves him with an outright rejection of Kira entirely.

[panel 1: a close up of Soichiro’s eye. he looks like he’s in pain. the speech bubble above his head reads, “I still have the eyes. And according to that Shinigami… Ryuk, I can’t see the lifespan of someone who owns a notebook.

panel 2: Light is standing above his father’s prone body. Matsuda stands behind him, bandages on his face and arms. Soichiro continues, “Light, you’re not Kira… I’m so glad…” Light looks shocked in response, a speech bubble above his head reading only “!” Matsuda says, “O-of course he isn’t! You were still worried about that?"]

the fact that Light can never gain that approval leads to him becoming incredibly dissatisfied and simply going through the motions--it’s what leads to him treating other people like cogs in a machine that will listen to him without any free will of their own, which is what makes him not foresee that Mikami might take action of his own accord. this is how Light gets caught in the end.

in the drama, however, Light experiences more than just his father’s rejection. Soichiro confronts Light directly about being Kira, catching him in the act. this is, of course, Light’s worst case scenario--he does virtually everything he can to lie his way out of it, to get his father back on his side, but fails. Soichiro acknowledges the fact that it was his fault that Light turned out this way, and also that he failed to notice that Light was suffering up until now--and then begs Light to turn himself in, in a scene that echoes L’s confrontation with Light from a couple of episodes prior.

when Light refuses, Soichiro begins to write his own name in the book.

Light: No way. Dad… Stop it. Dad! Stop it! Dad! Soichiro: There’s a struggle going on in your soul right now, isn’t there? That’s what it means to take someone’s life. That’s the weight of a human life. Do you understand, Light? Light: If this suffering is the real thing, I really can’t forgive criminals. I realized it, Dad. Even someone like me… There’s something even I can do to serve the world. Soichiro: How does killing people serve the world?! Light: I’ve sacrificed a lot of things, too! You of all people must understand how I feel! We’re working for the same thing. To protect the peace for everyone. With that notebook, I can create a world without crime! I’m just like you! Soichiro: You’re wrong. Open your eyes, Light. Come back, Light.

– Episode 10

with this ultimate rejection of Light’s actions, Soichiro finishes writing his name and Light allows him to do so. it isn’t as though Light couldn’t have stopped him if he really wanted to, either; on one level, turning himself into the police as Soichiro requested would have saved his father. on another, we see him rip the Death Note from Soichiro’s dying hands moments later as his father attempts to burn the book. Light is perfectly capable of saving the book and only acts when the Note is in danger, not his beloved family member.

of course, we never see manga Light exactly in this position, either, and I can’t say that I think that manga Light would have turned himself in or physically ripped the Note from Soichiro’s hands. both Lights did virtually everything they could to never be in a situation where they had to choose between the safety of their family members and being Kira, and I doubt manga Light would have done well emotionally with Soichiro outright rejecting him, his actions, and his ideology.

however, their actions and behavior immediately after Soichiro’s death is extremely telling. when manga Light is rejected by his father, who died as a result of a plan gone awry, he is completely devastated.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami screaming over his father’s body. tears are running down his face, and he yells, “Dad! Dad! Don’t you die, damn it!”]

he sheds tears--which are rare for manga Light--and he mourns over his father’s dead body for quite some time. as i said previously, he is never the same man again after his father’s death.

drama Light sheds tears as Soichiro writes his name and is clearly upset by his passing, but his mourning period is immediately interrupted by desperation to get the Note back. he spends Soichiro’s last moments wrestling with him for the Note, and once his father collapses he takes the note, wild-eyed, and holds it to his chest protectively. in this instant, he cares more about the safety of the book than his dead parent--because he had just chosen the notebook, and being Kira, over his father.

after Soichiro’s funeral, Light thinks this:

Light [internally]: Dad really did open my eyes. If I am to become a God, sacrifices are inevitable. No matter who it is that pursues Kira, I will erase them.

– Episode 10

this is Light implicitly saying that sacrificing his family members--sacrificing Soichiro, the man he began killing in order to save--is inevitable if they oppose Kira. of course, this is very similar to the way that manga Light distances himself from Soichiro after Soichiro’s death, to save him from the hurting that it caused him.

[photo: a panel of Light Yagami’s face, zoomed in close so we can only see one eye, his nose, and most of his mouth. He is scowling, most of his eye cast in shadow, and he’s sweating and panting. He asks, “Dad? Are you talking about Soichiro Yagami?”]

of course, all of this begs the question of how drama Light--who began a sweet, gentle boy who was more or less coerced into using the Death Note to begin with--got to a place that even manga Light didn’t have the chance to get to, where he was more willing to save the Death Note than his own father. it’s important to consider another relationship that drama Light has that’s much different from manga Light’s--his relationship to L.

manga light respects L's intelligence and sees him as an equal, as entertainment at times, but he doesn’t like him. not even during yotsuba arc, where they’re ostensibly on the same side--in fact, i would say yotsuba Light has more reason to dislike L, seeing as though he believes L to be falsely accusing him and having tortured him for virtually no reason. they're not actually friends--it’s a manipulation tactic. moreover, L sees him the same way. they were not friends and they both intended on killing each other until the bitter end.

by comparison, drama light and L's relationship starts that way--with the two of them wanting to kill each other, with a pretense of friendship that is actually an excuse to get close to each other to try and test for weaknesses--but the difference is that they, well, fall for their own bullshit. during yotsuba arc, Light’s memories are rewritten in such a way that he believes that L and light are genuinely on friendly terms, and L finds himself over the course of the arc going from respecting Light’s talents and thinking him as something interesting to genuinely wanting him to not be Kira and seeing him as a friend.

if you want to know more about L’s thought processes during the series and specifically the blue scene I recommend reading my analysis about him [LINK] but what is important to note is that L does not want to kill Light anymore by the time episode 8 rolls around. like Soichiro later will, he attempts to convince Light to confess--with the intention, we later find out, to potentially give him a way out. of course, Light doesn’t understand this and believes, for the moment, that it’s a fight to the death--so he writes L’s name in (what he believes to be) the Death Note.

this is intrinsically different from the way Light kills L in the manga. manga Light convinces someone else to do the dirty work and he is absolutely gleeful when L dies, gloating over his dying body--but up until this point L has made manga Light’s life an absolute hassle and expressed time and time again that he intends on executing Kira, who he believes to be Light. L wants to kill him, and they are not friends. while drama Light also believes it’s a “me-or-him” situation, he cannot deny that he actually likes L, that he wanted to be friends with him--he wanted, like Soichiro, for L to accept him and to be a part of the world Kira would create.

[photo: Light, cast in blue light, is bent over double. we’re looking at his face from below, from L’s point of view on the floor. his face is contorted with grief, face wet with tears and spit. He says, “I’d have wanted to be your friend forever.”]

– Episode 8

these are what Light believes to be his last words to L, so he has no reason to lie. he’s weeping as he says it, seeming absolutely heartbroken. this is the first time that Light kills--or attempts to kill--someone he cares about, and it’s the moment he decides to throw his humanity away. if he hadn’t cared so deeply for L before deciding to kill him, I don’t think the scene with Soichiro would have played out quite the same. Light even says it himself right before he writes L’s name:

Light: I can’t afford to lose to you. I’m creating a perfect world, without crime. To see that happen, I… L: Light… Light: I… I’ve decided there’s nothing I won’t do!

– Episode 8

these words are immediately followed by Light attempting to kill L. this is the fundamental moment that Light throws away his humanity, literally deciding that he would do anything for his new world, including killing his friends if they stand in his way. this culminates in him letting his father die and ripping the Note from his hands. he believes that the ends justify the means and that this is the only option he has.

it’s important to note that it isn’t that Light stopped loving his father, or stopped liking L--it isn’t that he lacks guilt over their deaths. it’s exactly the opposite. while their deaths--and the deaths of the Countermeasures team that he planned to take place, as well as the FBI and countless other people--are a necessary evil in order to make the world a better place, Light has to absolutely jump through hoops to justify it to himself and compartmentalize the guilt. as I said earlier, Light saying that Soichiro’s death was inevitable is a way to distance himself from the pain and guilt and rejection he feels, but as he’s dying that guilt cracks back open wide. when he sees that the Death Note is on fire, he panics and begins crawling towards it.

Light: Not yet. I can still do more. If I give up now… What was it all for?

– Episode 11

this is immediately followed by a flashback to Soichiro’s death, where Soichiro questions him about how killing people serves the world--after he crawls a little further, he flashes back again to L, recalling L’s desire to be friends with him.

these flashbacks go to show that Light feels a deep and profound guilt for killing both of them. he’s justified and rationalized it to himself as being for the good of the world--he chose being Kira over both of their lives. however, this means that if Kira fails, if he dies and the world goes right back to the way it was, then all of it was for nothing. he gets himself into a situation where he has to keep killing and killing people he cares about because if he stops then it means that all of it was for nothing.

it’s honestly an incredibly sad situation, that someone so full of kindness would become ultimately cold-hearted in an effort to cope with guilt.

[qhostqizmo]

Made To Fall In Love With You

Every creak of the floorboards reminded Essätha of a series of Eldritch Blasts going off as she tried sneaking her way down the hallway. The sorceress was no professional burglar; and despite picking her steps with care to where her weight would not awaken the shifted building’s quirks, each footfall was too loud in her ears. Every few steps her eyes trailed behind her, catching no sight nor sound of any waking murmuring or hobbled shuffling. So far, so good.

To her great surprise, no one manned the front desk as the sun peaked upon the horizon. The smell of bacon grease drifted from another room. It was distant; the Yuan-Ti woman assumed the keeper of the inn may be about while their help worked on preparing a meal for travelers willing to pay. Naturally her tummy grumbled and gurgled in a fit to the delicious aromas. Her cheeks warmed with embarrassment while hurrying the last few steps to the threshold.

By some grace of the Gods, the hinges of the door did not creak and it barely stuck as she pulled it open. The first rays of sunshine blasted her in the eye; a blinding array of dazzling white. Essie squinted for a moment, blinking as her sight adjusted to soak in her surroundings. The large front porch greeted its way to a gravel walkway, and down to the road littered with potholes out of town.

Her heart stammered in her chest uneasily. Licking her lips, she gazed over her shoulder once more.

Nothing.

An ill feeling of trepidation sank in her stomach, yet still she persisted on. The door sealed shut behind her with a click. It was a sign: there was no turning back now.

She took the steps off the porch in a hurry; twitchy that perhaps her sloth-like speed within the dwelling would have ripped precious seconds away from her escape. Rock and dirt crunched beneath her boots as she hurried for the street. The heaviness of her bag began to slap against her back; supplies giving a sturdy thump and rattle with each step. It fell in tune quickly with her rapid pulse. What was she doing?

What was best, she reminded the fearful voice in her head. It quieted, but did not release its grip on her conscious.

From the stoop, a figure raised its head as she paused, panting from street-level. The shape defined itself as a mastiff tilted its head; a solid swish of its tail thumping against the porch. The beast began to stand, shaking its mane of black and chocolate brown.

“Ssstay!”

Her hissed warning surprised the hound, which jerked its posture backwards and away a step down the stoop. It began to whine; deep and throaty and remorseful.

Essie licked her lips again. “Please,” she begged, insisting.

Again, the great canine whimpered, pacing the deck with uncertainty. Should it follow, or should it obey?

From within the structure, there was a rustle, and someone called out. The mastiff pricked his ears to swivel its gaze towards the door.

There wasn’t going to be a better distraction.

I’m sorry, Caesar.

Feeling a tear forming in her heart, Essätha let her feet fly. She knew how to push it; run past the point of lungs burning and the wobble in legs threatening a collapse. She’d been doing it all her life, after all. This was no different.

But it felt different.

Her throat jumped; swallowing around a great and heavy formation in her throat. All she could hear was her heavy breathing, her pulse pounding frantically in her chest, the pebbles and debris kicked up with each launch of her feet from the ground. It was a sprint against the sun; chasing shadows and disappearing between the sparse houses and closing in on wooded forest. The world was an endless blur of smells and colors around her; hues and spectrums of clean laundry hanging, flowers in bloom, tarry-pine trees freshly cut, the streaks of muted house-colors of greens and browns. A startled bird took flight before her into the sky, cawing. She didn’t look twice, but her dread thought that it may have been a raven.

She wasn’t going to survive long alone. Not like this. Not with two adversaries on her tail; one a personal vendetta, the other a vast network of cult members.

But it wasn’t her chances she was worried about.

Someone yelled at her in a startled voice from a smithery as she ran by, but her spare time had already been bought and sold. She beelined for the treeline that was rapidly approaching. At least her knowledge of untamed wilds would give her a clean escape. If she hit water, she’d even be able to throw off the dog perhaps if they decided to pursue her.

The timbers and undergrowth swiftly became a dense jungle too thick to traverse full-hurtle. Forced to pick her way around thorny bushes and clamor over fallen trees, progress began to waver. The sun rose slowly higher in the sky, little by little. Sweat covered her back from the fabric of the backpack, and her stomach growled and complained from lack of breakfast.

It couldn’t have been even an hour when her knees hit the ground, exhausted. She blinked, shivering from fatigue. A series of wet droplets hit the ground, and continued to fall from her face.

Lowering her head, Essie swallowed. Her forehead touched the dry earth; inhaling dust. An irritable bug bit at her arm. She could hear past her own heavy gasping, the sound of distant birds singing Pelor morning praise for raising the light into the sky once more.

A heaviness overtook her queasiness, and another whimper drew past her lips. She crumbled to the ground even more, falling to her side among the leaflitter, the weeds, the grass, the moss. Just the spot she belonged, among the mud and filth.

It seemed only a moment; and perhaps it was, that she closed her eyes. Breathe. Just breathe. However when she opened them again, the thicket was crashing and shaking; something large charging through and headed straight in her direction.

The sorceress reached for the hilt of one of her daggers, but didn’t grasp it yet when the barreling of fur and claws hurtled through the bushes.

“Caesar!” She exclaimed, dropping her hand as the beast scrambled just enough to stop before her. “I told you to stay-”

The mastiff whined, his butt wiggling with overzealous glee. He’d found her, and he was more than happy to lap his big, wet, sloppery tongue on her face.

“You might have told him to stay, but I told him hiruvalyë.”

A tremor raced down the Yuan-Ti’s spine. Her exhale rattled out of her like a last breath; uneasy and fearful. Goosebumps trailed and dotted down her arms with knowing as she lifted her head higher, spotting the void expression staring back at her. The man wearing the expression was dressed in a heavy garment cloak with a bear-fur mantle. She knew the texture of better than she recalled the memory of her own skin, or the feel of the kinks in her wavy hair.

“… What’s that mean?” she rasped. Her voice cracked, throat dry.

“It is Elvish; translated literally to ‘thou shalt find’.”

Essie dug her fingers into the dirt; lodging grime to the bed of her fingernails. She looked away from the nobleman’s sharp features and blankly staring eyes. Despite the fact he could no longer see her face, she self-consciously wiped at the tear tracks on her face now dusty dried-lined. Though she wanted to beg for forgiveness; to kiss the ground he walked on, she bit down upon her wobbly lower lip as he made his way to stand before her.

He took a knee, ushering the frantic and whining mastiff circling her back. Reluctantly but obediently, the massive dog sat where indicated and waited patiently.

Time slowed to a crawl. The pacing was worse than that of her break-out of the inn. Each breath came and went, with nothing happening. The quiet lingered. The guilt rose in her; mighty as the crashing of a thousand bison thundering hooves on the plains. The guilt burned into plumes of shame. The shame to self-loathing, like so many daggers stitched into invisible wounds on her skin.

When she did not move or speak after the seconds turned to minutes, finally the figure sighed ever so quietly. Essie did not flinch or shy away from the hand that reached for her face. She wished it would strike her, or push her, rather than cradle her chin as carefully as it did; guiding her to look skyward. She wished the thoughtfulness of this touch would hate her as much as she hated herself.

Instead; her eyes golden as the sunlight, stared up to find the red-rimmed void of blue and black staring hauntingly back at her.

If she thought she hated herself before, she wanted to succumb to Asmondeus’ themselves worst trails in the Nine Hells now. She deserved it. She deserved fates worse than death, for being the cause of such agony and hurt in such gentle eyes.

“… You promised you would never leave me.”

The words fell out of her faster than she could catch them: “M’lord Amon, it is safer this way, for all of us.”

More than anything, Essie wanted him to be angry. She wanted him to be furious; she wanted him to spit on her and tell her he despised her. That he had been burned and left too many times to accept this betrayal. That she was worthless. That she was a mistake.

Amon blinked; a fresh spring of tears in his eyes, and he looked at her with all the things she did not deserve. None of it she was warranted. He looked at her with reverence beyond any known language, and a gut-sense knowing wiser than the lifespan mankind could survive.

“I know you that you’re scared,” he whispered hoarsely and with understanding. “I see it in your eyes, I feel it in your body laid next to mine, I can tell by the way you breathe that you are terrified. But you never have to run from me, Essie,” Amon murmured. The rough pad of his thumb swiped away a stray tear that had fallen from her eye.

“I was so scared when I woke up, and you weren’t there-”

Her throat tightened, words barely audible as she wheezed, “Then I am a failure and a liar, and you should never have followed me.”

“I’m not upset with you.” She knew this, even as he spoke the words; reaching to hold her face in both hands now. “I’m not upset with you; I swear. I forgive you. I… I know what it’s like to push others away; to run from everything, to turn from hands that want to help you. I’m so relieved to see that you are safe. There was no note, no sign I… I didn’t want to believe or consider what could have happened… ” He swallowed; adam’s apple jumping.

“Neither of us is going to be if they find us here,” she reminded him, panic rising in her voice. Her gaze shift as though to search for the ghost of her past behind him, but his hands held her steady and true. It was out of habit to seek his eyes. She could not stay away long from them; they anchored her, completed her, soothed her like the lull of the ocean deep and true. Quietly mesmerized; fully enamored by the reflections of color off those shadowy eyes.

“I would die a thousand deaths, before I lived a day without you.”

The quivering in her lip returned, only time time it took over all of her body.

“I don’t want that, m’lord. I didn’t want to- to hurt you or to see you hurt or-”

With a conviction that he displayed only in private; only in brief moments, he moved closer to her and dropped to both of his knees. Amon’s face was alive now; emotions moving in his eyes, his browline knit, his mouth open wide and gasping for air as though he was avoiding hyperventilating. He shifted closer still; the smell of leather and firs, his eyes swallowing her into deep pools.

Essätha breathed him in, shaking, as his forehead pressed to her own.

The nobleman licked his lips. “If you have to go, know that I will go with you,” he swore, reaching for her hand. He brushed a kiss to the back of her knuckles, and heat inflamed her face.

“Amon-”

He ignored the desperation in her plea, continuing: “You can choose to flee but you can’t choose who follows you. You never left me alone in my worst moments; not when you found out my dark truths, not during trial, not when others warned you that I was nothing but smooth-talker, and I am not leaving you. We are in this together. I don’t care what dangers I have to face, as long as I am with you. If I am only allowed a second for a final breath, I would just die happy because I shared it with you.”

“You are worth the fight. You are worth whatever sacrifices I have to make, to make sure that you’re protected. Just as you have taught me, you do not have to face your demons by yourself, Essie. I’ve got you. I always have your back, no matter what happens. You don’t need to run away from me. Nothing is going to keep me away from you. We can get through anything as long as it’s you and I, remember? You told me that we could make it through anything together.”

The pressure of his hand interlocked with hers was a lifeline. There were no words to describe it; the coarseness of his palms; weathered, firm, rough. They should be almost frightening to someone like her; soft, delicate, weak. Where his struggles had lead him to his sharp edges, her own had lead her to careful hands and swift feet. There were opposite products of tragedies and misfortune.

“But I need you to live,” she wept, tears freshly falling to drip from her chin.

“Then let me live with you,” her nobleman urged, tenderly wiping tears from her face. “You helped me to meet a better version of myself I didn’t know existed. I’m stronger; kinder, more patient and merciful because of everything you’ve taught me, Ess’. I’m all of those things and more, when I’m standing by your side. You’ve taught me compassion and freedom and strength on a whole scale I never imagined. I never want to stop learning and growing with you; I never want to stop looking into those beautiful bright eyes and that warm smile, not for even a second. I can’t imagine an existence; cold and dark, after witnessing so much light that comes into the world when you’re in it.”

“I need you,” he crooned. “I need you more than air, or food, or water, or shelter. I need you; your persistence, your joy, your fearlessness, your heart, your drive and graciousness. You are everything to me. You mean everything to me. You and I Essätha; we can take on the world. We can do it, together. I look out for you, and you look out for me. You have nothing to fear; until the last fight is over we can stand side by side. I am not leaving you alone. Not… Not like this. Not until… Not until I’m sure you do not want me, that you…”

Heartbeat hammering in her chest, Essätha shushed him gently, wiping her filthy hands against her shirt. When she was certain they were clean, she reached to take hold of his face. He melted into her touch with such open want that she audibly exhaled unsteadily with shock.

“I am never going to forgive myself, if something happens to you.”

“It would not be your fault.”

“Amon-”

“Let me do this,” he insisted. “I can keep you safe. Forever, I swear.”

She hated the agony in his voice. The anguish. The desperation. He wanted her to believe; needed her to believe. And she knew his every word was true. She knew this; a fact, as the sky was blue, as the moon would rise even if there was overcast, as the grass was green and the days would continue on she knew.

It was what could happen that frightened her the most.

“You wouldn’t stop following me even if I told you not to, would you,” she mumbled. She knew the answer to this, too, even before he replied. Spoken as a statement, not a question.

“Not until I knew you were out of danger”

Another shudder racked down her spine, and she closed her eyes. When she opened them again, he was even closer; his breath now tangling with her own. Her thoughts scrambled dizzily; mind and heart buzzing with her pining.

Her nobleman licked his lips anxiously; eyes darting from her own to her lips and back again. “… What I would sacrifice to the Gods right now, just to kiss you, even once,” he whispered gruffly.

Her heart launched into the stratosphere.

Brushing her lips against his own, Essie whimpered faintly, “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

Groaning thickly, Amon pressed closer; barely restraining the temptation of her lips, but he didn’t have her consent. Not yet. He was holding back by the tiniest of margins, nesting her face in his hands.

“Essie… I love you.”

The sorceress’ breath hitched.

“Prove it to me, then, and kiss me.”

She should have known anything her nobleman committed himself to was going to be nothing less than perfect. His lips were light and soft; a stark contrast to the rugged feeling of his palms to her face. It was a kiss barely-restrained; chaste and longing but remarkably controlled. Gentle. Considerate. Giving. Something that lasted all of a few seconds, and it stole all oxygen from her lungs and left her there, eyes closed, reminiscing the moment over and over again. The pressure of his lips against hers. The tingles that it sent hurtling through her; humming in her veins like liquid fire. The taste of him on her lips as she tasted them.

Finally, she opened her gaze to meet Amon’s own, and his mouth hanging agape. He immediately looked between her eyes to her lips, and back again. His throat jumped.

“… I love you too, Amon.”

His years of patience must have snapped; the final thin hair-line fragment breaking. He did not wait for her approval for a second kiss, melding against her in a mess of sweetness and lingering want.

It was her weakness. It broke her. It was infuriating and exhilarating; she knew there would be no turning him away. She should have realized this would happen when she had been so careless and brainless to vanish on him as she had in the first place He was willing to chase her to the ends of this world, and beyond it if necessary. It made her heart swell, and it made her putty, and it felt like a blow to the chest all at once. Even after she’d left him; run away, his worst fear realized that once again he was alone, he came racing to her side anyway with a golden heart of amnesty and his endless yearning.

Essätha had been wanting this sense of completion for so long. She couldn’t believe she had wanted to deny him the very same satisfaction she so selfishly wanted of him just because it was the easier answer.

Caesar gave an exasperated ‘boof’ from his lack of attention as they fell into each other; gentle love-bites and muted gasps of ‘I love you’s between grabby hands latching on to each other. Desperate for something to hold; to cling and merge and fold into each other.

There was no separating Amon Thomas Illiad from Essätha Meduza, just as there was no breaking the cycles of the cosmos. In the end, they’d always seek out each other.

And that was more of a blanket of security than all the weapons she could ever own and all the years of isolation she’d ever have. The risk was worth it. He would always be worth it.

[sweetrupturedlight]

This week on Sen Çal Kapımı

We pick up exactly where we left off and there’s copious hand-holding, cuddles, kisses (see: cheek, lips and eskimo), giggles, a coffee date, breakfast date, dinner date, adorable banter, shameless flirting and no concept of personal space. Oh, and Serkan’s heart eyes continuously devour Eda with expert precision.

Before we jump right into it, let’s review last week’s bulleted list of things I expected was coming. 

From the fragman, Serkan names a star or something after her #squee

Selin finally getting it

Aydan not getting it

Seyfi being over the moon - along with Melo no doubt

I’m 3.5/4. But come on, we know Melo loves her bro-in-law right?

Now, onto this week. Seeing Serkan clearly in love - and embracing it - is delightful to watch. The natural chemistry between Hande and Kerem have the room to shine brightly as the script allows them to dial the romance setting to ‘roast’. Serkan’s growth as a character is never more evident. The surly, stern taskmaster of old is replaced by a smiling (spontaneously), belly laughing, and downright playful young man in love. And its just squee inducing to watch. When he confesses to Eda that she is addictive, I thought his mood (and how Kerem plays Serkan) clearly demonstrates the effect that the emotion has on him - of being unable to focus, feeling light, happy, carefree and confident. 

Throughout the romantic comedy, there is an underlying ripple of vulnerability. I love that the show doesn’t take for granted that Serkan has never been in love - and that being in love and confessing it - especially to a woman he didn’t believe could love him back - is also scary. Numerous times throughout the episode he asks for confirmation that she returns his affection. While its played as lighthearted banter - and provides ample opportunity for us to smile like idiots as they flirt outrageously - it’s also a reminder that he is a loner by nature and putting himself at the mercy of someone else cannot be easy. His concern that she will tire of him was adorable but also tinged with anxiety. She is a fairy to him - whimsical and carefree - and he must worry a little that someday, she will fly away without him. That said, he’s jumped all in. For a man who’s never really cared for romantic entanglements, he sure learns fast… as Eda says, he is a romantic robot, with a fierce beating heart.

Finally, I love that Eda’s education is important to her - but its also something Serkan recognises and supports. Their two-month deal is a postponement, not a cancellation of her plans. It’s not her putting him first and disadvantaging herself. Its an opportunity for them to get to know each other, spend time together, for him to wrap up pressing business matters and organise himself around a move to Italy to support the woman he loves as she pursues her interests and education. That’s fantastic! I love that its not an issue. He didn’t try and convince her to study in Turkey. Her dream is Italy. So he will rearrange his life in order to support her. That’s a partnership and I love to see it.

Things I loved about this episode:

All he handholding. Listen, I’m a simple shipper. Give me the basics, and I’m in hog heaven

The lack of personal space. They literally breathe the same air 99% of the time. It’s romantic, endearing and also more than a little blush-inducing??? Or is it just me? The breakfast scene was one of my favourites for this very reason.

Despite prompting Eda to confess her feelings, Serkan’s confessions kept escalating. He goes from I love you, to all I see is you, to I want to hug you, hold you, kiss you, I’m addicted to you, I can’t think/work with you around. Adorable.

Eda fixing Serkan’s collar. A small moment, but reminded me of her unbuttoning his shirt in the stairwell during the first episode. How far they’ve come.

The simplicity of framing them in each other’s arms on a couch was a fantastic way of showcasing their domesticity as well as highlighting their chemistry. I also loved Serkan in that brown shirt? It was a great wardrobe choice to highlight his downtime.

Things that confused me:

Ayfer’s continued “anti-Serkan” agenda. It remains puzzling. It’s completely incongruent with her previous assessment of him. So this plot point continues to feel a little shoehorned and forced in order to move us towards a storytelling arc.

Hiding their romance was fun this episode. But hopefully, everything is out in the open next week. They deserve a little normal after all the crazy of the weeks that came before. Sneaking around now just feels too over the top for a sustained plot point.

Alptekin and Aydan truly annoy me. Serkan’s father is apparently a man who built a successful company. Yet everything about him screams inept to me. Both his wife and son are unhappy with his conduct, his business decisions don’t seem very sound (at least from Serkan’s perspective) and the elephant in the room - his previous undesirable business practices. Aydan continues the “Choose Selin” crusade when doing that would hurt a myriad of people - including Ferit and Eda. It’s selfish and lacks any awareness of what is going on around her. Perhaps that is the meta-commentary on her character, seeing as she is unable to leave her self imposed prison. Get them both out of here. Please and thank you.

Engin’s romance? Honestly, I don’t care at all. He has no chemistry with Piril and call me salty, but did the camera linger on their kiss longer than any other on the show? Maybe I am just being salty. Moving along.

Low key confused about how sad I felt for Selin? She isn’t my fave, and yes, Ferit deserves more than a woman who literally planned to dump him 0.5 seconds before their wedding day, but I guess she realised that the love of a man who adores her is a better choice than chasing a pipedream. Plus, the humiliation of being dumped at the alter… how does one recover. Not sure what her character brings to the show now seeing as her connection was through Ferit. So we’ll see...

Urm… who else is low key rooting for Ferit and Ceren? Didn’t see that one coming, but at least it’s an exciting development.

Things I know is coming:

Some third-party, potential romantic interest for Eda? Don’t see how this will work because she only has eyes for Serkan. So perhaps “romance” isn’t the direction it will take… one can only hope.

The Bolat’s trying to break up Eda and Serkan? Not sure why that’s necessary. Serkan certainly had nothing to do with - nor any knowledge of - his fathers aforementioned undesirable business practices. While I have no doubt this will create tension, I hope to God they don’t tell Serkan and have him wrestle with how to tell Eda and in doing so, create secrets and distance between them.

Eda tells either Ayfer or her besties that she and Serkan are in love. #HereForIt

“I can’t breathe when you’re not here” !!! #CallTheParamedic

And most importantly:

Seyfi remains my absolute fave.

Do they have an overnight stay next week? Because… it sure looked like it. 

#FlingsSelfIntoTheEverLovingSun #NotPrepared

[haberdashing]

Watch What Happens

One possible version of the inevitable Panopticon showdown.

on AO3

The stone staircases were every bit as steep as Jon remembered them being in the tunnels, but now instead of leading down they led up, up, up to the Panopticon, up to the tower visible everywhere in the world now, up to the moment that he and Martin had been waiting for for a long, long time.

The staircase was too narrow for both him and Martin to stand on at the same time, but they held hands as they ascended together, Jon leading the way. Part of it was protection in case one of them slipped, literally or metaphorically; part of it was just clinging to what comfort they could while that was still an option.

Jon didn’t know what awaited him in the Panopticon, exactly, but he knew that it would change things, one way or another.

As Jon took the final step up, the first thing he noticed was the view. Just as all the world could see the Panopticon now, the Panopticon could see all the world in turn. All the horrors he had unleashed, all the suffering playing out because of his actions, it was all within Jon’s view at once now, the sights of a world transformed almost beyond recognition.

Jon only wished that how he felt about the sight of it all was simply horrified. There was more to it, though, whether he liked it or not, whether he wanted it or not, and the gasp he let out was not entirely displeased.

The second thing Jon noticed was Jonah Magnus in Elias Bouchard’s body--the man he had called Elias for years, not knowing he was just using the name of one of his victims--staring right at him, bright eyes gleaming in the dim light.

“Hello, my Archive.”

That, at least, Jon didn’t have to second-guess his feelings about. That made his skin crawl, and a quick look at Martin as they untangled their hands confirmed that Martin disapproved every bit as much as Jon did.

He wasn’t wrong, though. Damn the man, but he wasn’t wrong. All that talk about how Jon was more Archive than Archivist, especially under Jonah’s supervision, being guided to play his part in the spectacle Jonah Magnus had been planning for almost exactly two hundred years now... he had a point, but that didn’t mean Jon had to like it.

“Hello, Jonah.” Jon really hoped that every bit of his hatred shone through as he spat out those two words.

Jonah raised one eyebrow. “First-name basis, is it?”

Jon felt vaguely nauseous. He had barely remembered that that was a feeling he could have. He hadn’t felt that way since before the change, perhaps since before anything that really mattered.

“I imagine you didn’t come here for small talk, so let’s cut to the chase. You’re obviously planning to kill me-”

“Figured that much out already, did you?” God, Jon loved Martin.

Jonah didn’t so much as blink at Martin’s comment, continuing as if he hadn’t been interrupted in the first place. “But there are two reasons that doing so won’t work out like you intended, and I do think you had better hear them out before you make a grave mistake.”

Jonah held up two fingers when he said the word “two,” in a gesture almost like a peace sign, and Jon seriously considered returning the gesture, but with his palm facing towards him instead of out. Would it be rude? Yes. Did he really give a damn at this point? Not really.

Still, though, Jon decided against it, instead saving his snark for rolling his eyes as he said, with every bit of hatred and sarcasm he could muster, “Fine. Enlighten us, then.”

“First.” Two fingers turned to one, held up as if to command attention, as if he were a schoolteacher in front of a class of unruly pupils, as if Jon and Martin’s eyes weren’t already glaring straight at him. “If you were planning on pulling the same stunt you’ve used on other avatars on your way here, you should know it won’t be that easy. I am every bit as connected to the Eye as you are, Jon. Turning its power on me won’t obliterate me as it has so many others now. If anything, it might just make me stronger.”

Jon considered this for a moment. Jonah could be bluffing, could be trying to save himself at the last minute, but it did make a sort of sense that the Eye couldn’t be used to take down one of its own avatars.

“That’s not the only way we can get rid of you.”

“No, I suppose not, but it would make things easier for you, wouldn’t it? You’ve grown so accustomed to using the Eye’s power rather than your own... but insisting on going that route here would just lead you right into the second problem.”

Jon gently massaged his temple, careful not to impede his vision too much in the process. “And what might that be?”

Jonah steepled his hands and shot Jon a wry grin. “I think it’d be easier to show than tell in this particular instance.”

Before Jon could ask what Jonah meant by that, Jonah’s hands unsteepled, the smug grin fell off his face, and seemingly out of nowhere, he began running in the direction of the nearest staircase. His steps were neither graceful nor especially fast, though, and it wasn’t hard for Jon to grab his arm as he ran past, yanking him out of his run and pinning him against a stone wall within the Panopticon.

“What the hell is-”

Jonah’s eyes were wide and frightened-looking, a look Jon couldn’t remember ever seeing on his boss’ face before, and his eyes welled up with tears that were on the verge of falling any second now.

Something was definitely wrong here, and the shaky sound of Jonah’s voice interrupting his only confirmed as much.

“P-please don’t hurt me. I didn’t- didn’t want this, any of this, but I couldn’t stop him-”

His eyes were also hazel, now, and in all the years working with him, Jon had never seen Jonah with hazel eyes...

But this wasn’t Jonah, was it?

“So you are...” It wasn’t a question, not exactly. Jon wasn’t sure if his compulsion would even work, but he didn’t want it to now, didn’t want to force the truth out of someone who was already near tears.

“E-Elias Bouchard. The- the real one. From before he took over. I’ve been just-” He slumped his shoulders a little. “Just watching for all these years. This is the first time I’ve been able to do a damn thing in decades.”

“I see.” Jon heard Martin snort softly at that. “But how is that a reason...?”

Jon saw it, this time, saw Elias’ eyes change from that strange hazel color to a hue much more familiar, and he knew what it meant. Jon released his grip on Jonah Magnus and took a step back.

“I thought that much would be obvious, but apparently I have to spell things out for your benefit once again.”

Jon clenched his teeth, could feel them grinding against each other, though that was probably still better than spitting out any of the responses that came to mind.

“If you kill me, Jon, then you’re killing him, too. He’s still in this body, even now, watching everything that happens. Feeling everything that happens. Are you really going to kill Elias Bouchard just to get back at me?”

Jon let out a slight gasp, though he hadn’t meant to.

Elias- no, Jonah took a step closer, leaning slightly over Jon. “You could do it, if you wanted to. I could even turn over the body again, let you use your precious Eye powers to obliterate it, give you that revenge you’ve been seeking for so long. But you’d be killing an innocent man in the process. I know you’ve thought long and hard about how much suffering, how much death, has come about because of your actions. Are you prepared to add Elias Bouchard’s name to the list?”

Jon looked away from Jonah, was greeted by the sight of terror upon terror playing out in the world beyond the Panopticon, looked back at Jonah with a soft sigh of resignation.

Martin called out Jon’s name, but it felt like it was from far away. Jon barely heard it, didn’t bother seeking out the source, his mind too preoccupied with the dilemma in front of him.

“Or you could just leave. Leave the Panopticon the way you came, and find a new quest to pursue. The old one was doomed to failure, anyway; killing me won’t undo what we’ve created together. I’m sure you could find plenty of other ways to occupy your time out there. But I won’t stop you from killing me, either, from proving the truth behind my words too late. That’s entirely up to you. Make your choice, Jon.”

Jon’s hands were shaking slightly, and his mouth suddenly went dry as he tried to put half-formed thoughts into words. “I...”

“What about this?”

This time, Jon turned to find the source of Martin’s voice, seeing out of the corner of his eye that Jonah was doing the same. He’d almost forgotten that Martin was there with him, and felt embarrassed that he could ever have forgotten such a thing, could ever have forgotten the presence of someone as important as Martin.

Jon had also forgotten that within the Panopticon lay Jonah Magnus’ original body, but Martin evidently hadn’t forgotten, as he was standing right next to it. And, as Jon looked closer, he saw that Martin was holding one of the larger knives they had packed just above Jonah Magnus’ chest.

Then Martin plunged the knife into Jonah Magnus’ heart, and Jon only just had time to notice that the liquid that flowed out of Jonah Magnus’ body didn’t look quite like blood should before the pain set in.

Jon felt like he was being burned alive. Jon felt like he was being torn apart, limb by limb, cell by cell. Jon felt like hundreds of needles were being jammed into every millimeter of his body. Jon felt a thousand pains rolled into one, torment upon torment and agony upon agony, the lot of them blending together into some unholy whole much worse than the sum of its parts.

Jon’s vision, always so clear, began to fade and blur, and he welcomed the darkness as it embraced him, hoping that it would grant him some modicum of relief.

The darkness lingered as he heard the voice, distant and muddled, as if from underwater. It was Martin’s voice, that much he could tell, but he couldn’t make out any individual words, let alone the gist of the speech.

Then a slight sting, and the world returned, blurry but definitely there, and Martin’s words became clearer.

“-up, Jon, please, come back-”

Jon groaned--more out of grogginess than anything else, as the anguish he had expected to come rushing back was still gone, without any discomfort left in its wake--and Martin’s rapid-fire speech paused for a moment.

“Jon?”

The blurriness resolved itself into clear vision once more, and Jon realized only belatedly that his eyesight had only appeared so blurry because Martin had been shaking him the whole time. Martin’s face hovered above him, a million different emotions fighting for control over his expression, as he knelt on the stone floor of the Panopticon.

Jon opened his mouth without planning his words in advance, figuring that reassuring Martin that he was awake again was more important than the details, and surprised himself a bit by coming up with, “For better or for worse, yes.”

Martin let out a soft, shaky laugh, and Jon felt something wet fall onto his cheek. “I- I thought... you weren’t waking up...”

“How long was I out?”

“I don’t know, Jon, it’s not like could check my bloody wristwatch... a while? Longer than I would like.” Martin paused for a moment before adding, “A lot longer than I was, I think.”

“You felt it too?”

“A bit.” Martin scratched the back of his head nervously. “But I knew it was coming, you just- just collapsed on the floor, I thought maybe you’d hit your head, and stone’s not exactly the most forgiving surface for that sort of thing...”

Jon let out a soft, bitter laugh. “It’ll take a lot more than that to kill me.”

“Don’t even joke about that.” Martin stood up, extending one arm towards Jon. “Need a hand?”

“Don’t mind if I do.”

Jon was pretty sure Martin pulled him up more than he actually pulled himself up, but what mattered was that he was up, was standing once more, and the pain that had caused him to collapse and black out was still gone. Also, Martin’s hand had been warm and soft, and even though he no longer needed the lift Jon’s hand was still brushing against Martin’s, the two just barely making contact still.

Jon noticed, idly, that Martin’s clothes were covered in specks of the not-quite-blood that had flowed out of Jonah Magnus’ body, but while it was unpleasant-looking and probably uncomfortable, it wasn’t the worst thing that had gotten on either of their clothes during their journey.

Jon’s train of thought was abruptly disrupted when his eyes fell upon a human figure still collapsed on the stone floor around them; as he approached, Martin following close behind, he heard the man swearing a blue streak, the profanities he let loose both inventive and especially obscene.

“Hello?” Jon asked.

“Are you alright?” Martin added.

The man sat up, and only then did he recognize the face of Jonah- no, of Elias Bouchard staring up at him.

“‘ve been worse... been a hell of a lot better, too, though...”

Elias sat up with a groan before locking eyes with Jon.

“Are you gonna kill me now, too?”

Jon looked over at Martin, who shook his head slightly, eyes wide.

“Depends. Who are you, exactly?” Jon was pretty sure he knew the answer already, but, well, better safe than sorry.

He didn’t hesitate to answer. “Elias Bouchard, the original, like I said before. Son of Julian and Nancy Bouchard, though Mum’s been dead since I was a kid. Only joined the Magnus Institute because I wanted a cushy office job and not many places would take someone with my shit grades. Didn’t even believe in the supernatural until, well-” Elias made a vague, wobbly hand gesture. “-all of this happened.”

Jon let out a soft breath. “No, I don’t think either of us are going to kill you now, Elias.”

“Well, uh, thank you, then.”

“What, for not killing you?” Martin asked.

Elias laughed, and it sounded very little like the sort of laughs Jon had heard come out of Elias’ mouth before, self-satisfied and pompous; it sounded much more like a genuine, normal laugh, full of humor and free of self-consciousness, even despite the current situation.

“Sort of, yeah, but also for, well, for killing him.” Elias pointed his thumb back at the body of Jonah Magnus. “I honestly thought I’d be stuck like that for the rest of my life, just watching him walk around in my body, so... glad I was wrong on that one. And thanks for fixing it for me, I suppose.”

Jon thought about that for a long moment. For a while now he’d bemoaned that it seemed like he couldn’t save anyone in this new world, couldn’t help anyone, could only cause more harm, and now...

Well, he couldn’t really take credit here. Jonah Magnus’ death was all Martin’s doing, not his own. But still, it was... something. A modicum of progress, perhaps. A small sign of hope.

“Maybe you can help us in return.” Jon looked pointedly out at the unchanged hellscape that surrounded them. “Obviously things haven’t gone back to normal with his death. Do you know why?”

“Well, he was right that killing him wasn’t going to magically fix everything, he wasn’t quite enough of a dipshit to set things up like that-”

Martin let out a soft laugh, and Elias’ face turned pink.

“Sorry, is the swearing a problem? I can stop if you’d like-”

“No, no, it’s just... never thought I’d hear it from you.”

Elias shot Martin a wide, albeit shaky, grin. “Dipshit was actually probably my favorite word back when I was a teenager. Let it slip at a dinner party once and my dad was furious, so of course I made a point to use it as often as possible from that point on. Drove my teachers mad, too.”

Martin laughed a bit more, and Jon struggled to hold back laughter of his own as he planned his next words.

“But if you saw everything he saw, you have to know something... do you know how to put things back the way they were?”

Martin pressed his arm against Jon’s and said Jon’s name softly, but if it was meant as a warning, it was one Jon wasn’t willing to heed. Jon didn’t care about politeness right now; he wanted answers.

“Not exactly? I mean, he was always just planning to make it happen, seemed to think it’d be easy sailing from there on out... and I mean, he wanted all of this, it’s not like he was making plans for how to back out of it all...”

Jon let out a soft sigh.

“...but I do have a few, er, theories? Given what I managed to pick up along the way...”

Jon forced his face into a weak smile. “We’d love to hear them.”

[tiaragqueen]

Hey! I love your yandere garou stories, could I have one where yandere garou gets jealous

Go For

✂ Pairing: Yandere! Garou x Reader

✂ Word Count: 1,6k

✂ Trigger Warning: Jealousy, yandere theme

[Edited]

***

Man, I could already see the violence unfolding in my mind the moment I read your request. But the problem is, I suck at writing fight scenes.

If you like my writing, please support me on ko-fi!

“Love may be blind but jealousy has 20-20 vision.” - Anonymous

For as long as he could remember, Garou had always been ajealous man. Jealous of the heroes, jealous of those who could call themselvesone despite their… less than heroicattitude, jealous of their popularity, and jealous of their abilities. Yet, heconcealed it all under the guise of a ‘monster’ sought to hunt the uselessheroes. He took the easy route, even though he had the strength to become ahero himself.

And for a while, he was content.Everything went according to the plan; the Hero Association deemed him as adangerous threat, the heroes searched him high and low either to raise theirpopularity or for the sake of getting rid of him, and the criminals began tofear him. He had everything he ever wanted – strength, confidence bordering onarrogance, speed, powerful technique he’d gained after years of rigoroustraining – except the monster form he had been hankering for.

Until you barged into his life once again.

The first time was when you went to comfort him after theteacher finished scolding him for picking a ‘fight’ with the popular boy,Tacchan. Garou was initially wary, thinking that you only wanted to mock himlike the others. But you just patted his back and offered to listen to his sideof the story. You’d understood where the problem lied from the seeminglyharmless mock fight, and how much it impacted his overall self-esteem. You weresurprisingly mature for a kid, something that he hadn’t expected from ‘thatquiet girl who always sat at the back of the classroom’.

Never once did you interrupt him or start arguing about how‘wrong’ it was to support the ‘monster’. You merely nodded, and though youdisagreed with his view, you could fathom the reason. Garou didn’t know why youbothered to approach him that time – him,the misunderstood boy – especially because you seemed pretty much occupied withyourself most of the time. However, he thanked the Heavens for your presence inhis life and never-ending patience. Thus, you became the only friend he ever had since childhood.

Well, you didconsider him that. As for him, it went abovethat.

He’d started developing an ‘innocent’ crush on you.

But Garou was shy, if not hesitant, to confess his feelings. He feared that you would rejecthim and possibly break the friendship he’d been yearning for. So, he hid themand pretended that everything was okaydespite your claim that he acted a littledifferent than usual around you. You were wholly oblivious to his growingemotions, and he liked to keep it that way. Although, there were moments whenhe wondered what it’d be like if you become his girlfriend. Would it bewonderful? Or would it be terrible instead?

He didn’t know, and he’d never know. Because after graduation,you told him that you would move out to another city with your family.

And now, you returned.

“So, you’re thathero hunter, huh?” You pursed your lips in contemplation after he’d recountedall the things he’d done during your absence. From his training under the thirdrank S-class hero, Bang, to when he punched the ‘front-liner’ in the middle ofa busy street.

It was a pure coincidence when you found him sleeping on thegarbage pile this morning, and safe to say you weren’t the least bit pleased.

Garou nodded. After you slapped him awake, you’d offered himto take a shower and eat in your apartment. He agreed with a rather irked face,although on the inside he was far from irked. There was a strange giddinessthat increased his heartbeat slightly at the prospect of seeing your place, buthe’d rather die than admit it.

“You do realize that that means you’re gonna have a lot ofenemies, right?” you asked, frowning in concern and uneasiness. Judging fromhis body alone, which you had the luxuryof observing those muscles and abs personally, you knew that he was no longerthe same thin and weak boy you’d known in the past. “And there’ll be morepeople pursuing you?”

“‘Course I do,” he scoffed. “I’m not stupid.”

“Well, I was just making sure you’re aware of theconsequences. I’m worried that something might happen to you since you’rebecoming more and more ‘famous’ now.”

“Relax,” he flicked your creased forehead, silentlyrelishing on the worry you displayed over his situation. Not that he needed it,though. It was nice to know that someone was concerned with him. That meant youcared, right? “Nothing’s gonna happento me. I’m not a weak boy anymore. I’m strongernow; faster and more skilled. Those bastards can’t beat me that easily.”

“Ah, I hope so…” A veil of hair concealed your face whenyou looked down, fidgeting slightly. You didn’t know what you should answeranymore. It wasn’t as if he was seeking for sympathy or pity. No, if anything,he was happy with his life now. And that… That was good, wasn’t it? For the longest time, he had been sufferingdespite the tough facade he often wore around people. Therefore, you should behappy for him too.

But you couldn’t.This was wrong, and you were scared. Scared of what would happenlater. Scared of what he would turn out to be.

A literal monster.

Garou’s hand twitched, wanting to tuck those strands behindyour ear. But who was he to do that?He was just a friend. Not to mention, you’d be confused with the sudden gesturesince he didn’t seem like the affectionate type. The furthest thing he’d everdone was resting his chin on your shoulder, and that was when you showed him anew video on your mother’s phone. Other than that, he mostly kept his hands tohimself.

It was hard, buthe managed. So surely he could endure it again,right? At least, until he had gathered enough courage to confess to you. Hehoped that you accept him, though. If not, then, well… He had no qualm abouttaking you with him.

After he finally defeated all those heroes, of course.Couldn’t have them ruining hishappiness with you.

Something familiar caught his attention. “What’s that?” heinquired, pointing towards the said thing.

“Oh, this?” Your face immediately lit up as you snatched thebook from the table.  “This is the HeroCatalog.”

Garou raised a surprised brow. “Ya have that too?”

“Um, yeah.” You chose to ignore the word ‘too’ and flippedit open. Once it reached a certain page, you touched the picture of a man withpompadour hair. “Look, Garou. I’ve got Metal Bat’s signature! Isn’t it cool?!”

“Oh?” Garou narrowed his eyes at your sudden enthusiasm, butyou were too busy gushing over the hero to notice. Nor did you remember theimportant information listed below.

“I’ve always wanted his signature. He’s my favorite hero, you know? He’s certainlya hard one to get, but I was lucky.” you raved. “Oh, and his little sister iscute too. Good thing I bought some candies, so I could give ‘em to her. Shelooked so happy!”

Garou secretly clenched his fist that rested behind yourneck, feeling anger bubbling inside of him the longer you babbled around. Butwas that anger? “Is that so?”

You nodded vehemently. “Yeah! I was shopping for grocerieswhen I saw them walking around. I couldn’t pass such an opportunity to greetthem. They’re a nice pair, I almost felt jealous.”You chuckled. “But maybe that was just me being a single child. It can be a bitlonely without any sibling to play with, you know?”

Jealous, huh?Garou frowned. Never thought he’d be jealous over some punk with a shittyhairstyle that way. Yet, it was the only word that best described his feelingright now.

Yeah, it sucked to admit it. But he was indeed jealous. Jealous because you admired him. Not Garou; him. Thatbrat. What the fuck had he done to deserve such admiration from you? Itshould be Garou instead. After all, hewas the one who had been with you since childhood. He was your friend, and Metal fucking Bat was just an outsider. Adamned stranger that messed with his friendship.

And Garou wasn’t merciful enough to let that continue.

“Eh, Garou. Where are you going?” you asked when you noticedhim abruptly stood up from the couch.

“I’ve got somewhere to be.” Was the only response youreceived as he slipped his black shirt on and headed towards the door. “Thanksfor the shower, by the way.”

“B-but you haven’t eaten yet!”

The door slammed shut before you could convince him to stayany further. You stared at the wooden barrier, trying to guess the possiblelocation he was rushing to.

And it didn’t take long until you realized your mistake.

“Shit.”

Garou must have seen Metal Bat’s information earlier. Howcould you be so damn stupid? He was ahero hunter, for God’s sake! And now you’d unknowingly helped him defeatingyour favorite hero.

Maybe you could chase him…?

No, you shook his head. Metal Bat wasn’t weak. He would win this fight, eventhough you should’ve cheered for Garou instead. But you disagreed with hisview, so it wouldn’t matter if you didn’t support him. Right? Of course. Justbecause he was your friend, didn’t mean you should side with him either. It wasonly natural to have different opinions. You weren’t the only one.

Yeah, there was nothingto be worried about.

The next day, you received a newspaper containing the newsof Metal Bat’s loss.

[junjosekaimangalover]

Who says I need to be fair? - Kurama X Tengu Reader

Kamisama Kiss ( Or Kamisama Hajimeshita ) X Reader Who says I need to be fair? - Kurama X Tengu Reader * Requested By ogsquidney * ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I don't own the Anime/Manga Kamisama Kiss ( Or Kamisama Hajimemashita ) nor do I own any of the characters from the series.

I hope you like this oneshot ogsquidney and I hope I did good. Enjoy~! ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your POV: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I arrived home and opened up my apartment door and placed my jacket on the chair next to me as I entered my kitchen, while taking my ponytail off and letting my hair down. I was about to make dinner and set things up when I heard heavy footsteps and someone calling my name. It was Kurama.

" Come On ( Y/N____ )! I said I was sorry."

" I heard you, I'm not deaf Kurama. " I replied.

" Then please quit ignoring me and accept my apology. " Kurama begged.

" I'm not ignoring you Kurama, I'm talking to you, aren't I? " I said back with a smile on my face.

" Well yes but- "

" Listen, I'm not mad at the fact that you are constantly surrounded by thousands of girls because they love and adore you. I get it, that is one of the perks of being a pop idol. However, I can't stand the fact that you always seem like you absolutely enjoy it. You seem to enjoy it a little too much and it makes me feel like I'm not enough for you. " I said while my shoulders dropped slightly and I set the pot I had in my hand aside on the kitchen counter.

" Come on darling, you know for damn sure that is not true. You are the only girl for me and I can never get enough of you. " Kurama wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed my neck as I unconciously wrapped my own arms around his back and pulled him forward to me.

" Oh Kurama, that's not fair when you do that. It's a foul play on your part. " " I know but that's how I can get you to forgive me easily and fast. Why don't you just admit that you can't resist me? " Kurama winked at me as his hands wandered a little lower below my waist.

" Hon, I never said that I couldn't resist you. " I grinned and kissed his lips.

" That's my little tengu..... " He purred a little while pulling my shoulder sleeve down a little.

" You're a tengu too silly. " I pulled away and backed away from him.

" I'm aware, why are you backing away? "

" Becuase if we continue this little session then we won't get any dinner nor any sleep tonight. " I replied while pulling my upper sleeve back up on my shoulder.

" I got my meal right here and who said I wanted any sleep? " He hugged me from behind so tightly that I couldn't even wiggle my way out.

" Don't be silly Kurama. We have school tomorrow and I want the ability to walk ok and not have bruises on 80% of my body. " I turned my head slightly to meet his eyes.

" So call in sick so that way I can have you all to myself when I get home. " Kurama nibbled on my ear and I accidently let out a small moan.

" Kurama....I said no. "

" But that moan you let out said yes. " He continued to nibble down my pride bit by bit.

" Kurama, I can't but I'll make it up to you. " I whispered in his ear.

" Oh? How so? " He grinned, he loves being rewarded by me whenever he get the chance.

" Since tomorrow is friday, I will let you do whatever you want, whenever you want, for how as long as you want. This offer will last until Monday morning. " I winked back at him.

" Are you serious? " Kurama asked with little wide eyes.

" Have I ever lied to you babe? " I tilt my head.

" Bless the gods, I love you (Y/N___) " He kissed me with such force that it literally almost knocked me off my feet.

" Careful Kurama! You'll crush me if you do it that hard. " I laughed slightly.

" Oh sorry. " Kurama replied.

" Now how about I fix our dinner, watch a little TV and then hit the hay? " I asked.

" Sounds good. " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Friday Afternoon: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I walked through my High School hallways to get to the cafeteria and pursue to eat my lunch. I heard a big crowd coming through and figured that it must my boyfriend Kurama and his epic fangirls coming to trample me anytime now. I decided to ignore them and just have a peaceful lunch.

" Excuse me? "

" Hm? " I looked up to see an old familiar face above me.

" You're ( Y/N___ ), right? "

" Oh my gosh, Takahiro! Hey How have you been?  What have you been up to? How are you here? " I kept asking questions because I was so excited to see my old best friend from when I was 12.

" Well I'm great now that I get to see you again here on a daily basis, I've been up to doing web design and moved back here to my old home because I've missed it and you so much and now I'm here talking to you. " He answered all my questions in one quick motion.

" I'm so happy that you're back, come on and let's talk. " I offered him a place to sit with me and we started chatting like a couple of crazy people. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Kurama's POV: ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I wanted to have lunch with my girlfriend today but the fangirls would not stop chasing me and giving my girlfriend the death look if she tried to come closer to me. I somehow managed to sneak my way to the cafeteria only to see my girlfriend getting close to a man I haven't seen around her before. He doesn't seem to be one of her male friends and I know because I've met them all. I walked a little closer and they were laughing like crazy, what could they be chatting about to make them laugh that hard.

" Hey ( Y/N_____ ), who's your new buddy? " I asked her.

" Oh hey honey, Kurama this is my old best friend Takahiro, Takahiro this is my new boyfriend Kurama. " She introduced me to him and I got this intsant bad feeling about him.

" It's a pleasure to meet Kurama, I see you all the time in music news. You are a big deal and I'm glad (Y/N____ ) got a good boyfriend. " Takahiro smiled towards me and I cringed a little.

. " So Takahiro, is this a permanent stay here or another temporary transfer one. " ( Y/N___ ) asked him.

" This is actually a permanent one this time. I'm glad I get to stay here. " Takahiro replied.

" That's great, I've really missed you and your advice over the years. "

" Well if you ever have any questions like you did last time, I'm always here for you. " I saw Takahiro hug my girlfriend. I don't like him at all.

" Well I actually have to go work now but how about we have lunch this weekend? "

" I actually can't, I got stuff to attend to this weekend but how about after school on next thursday? " " Sounds great. "

" Ok, awesome! I'll see you then. " ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Your POV: -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------" So Kurama, how did you manage to get away from the whole group of fangirls who would trample anyone if they got close to you? " I smiled and rested my face on my hand.

" It's a mystery but it's not impossible love. " Kurama sat down and hugged me gently.

" I'm glad and what's the hug for? " I asked.

" Nothing, can't I just show my affection for the only one I love? " He replied.

" You can, no doubt about that but we're at school and there are rules about public displays of affection. " I replied while kissing his cheek.

" Oh don't be so strict and a goody goody. "

" I have to be a good girl, that's what you asked me to be a few nights ago, did you not? " I asked with a grin on my face.

" I did, didn't I? " Kurama replied.

" You did. "

" Damn, oh well. I didn't promise anything " Kurama kissed my neck and I giggled slightly.

" Kurama? "

" Yes love? "

" This sudden affection wouldn't have anything to do with the fact that Takahiro came back into my life and that he is a man who has needs just like any man does. " I asked.

" Are you suggesting that I'm jealous? " He asked.

" I'm not suggesting, I'm saying you are. " I replied with a grin on my face.

" Fine, so maybe I am. It's not fair though. "

" Who said that I or life had to be fair? "

" Good point. "

" Honey? "

" Yes? "

" Don't be jealous, he is not mine for the taking nor would I take him when my heart is already taken by the wonderful Kurama. " I looked at him and kissed him passionately.

" Thanks love, come with me please. "  Kurama took my hands and led me to our school rooftop and placed me on the ground.

" What are you thinking Kurama? " I asked.

" I'm thinking that no cameras or fangirls are here so I can have you for the takening. " Kurama came closer and closer to me and caputered my lips along with my heart.

" Oh honey... " I felt so much love in my heart for this man that I felt like I wanted to let go of my restrains for him right here and right now and wrapped him in them. I kissed him over and over again while he was busy running his hands all over my body. I love this man.

" I love you so much Kurama. " I run my hands through his red soft hair.

" That's the first time you've said that darling. "

" I know and I will continue to say it for the rest of my life. " I panted slightly.

" I love you more (Y/N___ ). "

" Not possible. " I smiled in our kiss. We continued to make out until Kurama suddenly stopped in the middle of our little session.

" (Y/N___ )? "

" Yes? What's wrong? "

" Your wings are showing. " Kurama pointed out.

" Oh I'm sorry, my mind was focused on other things that the spell wore off.

" I guess I'm to blame for that. "

" You are but it's ok, thanks honey. " I tried to compose myself and focus so that they would disappear  just in case someone came up.

" Come on, we can continue this when we get home. " Kurama helped me up on my feet.

" Good idea. " My wings disappeared and I walked with Kurama out from the rooftop and out of the school. We walked together back to our home and rested easily. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- " So honey? "

" Yes? " " This afternoon when you said that his heart wasn't yours for the takening, what did you mean by that? " He asked me.

" I meant that his heart was already taken by someone, his heart is taken by his wife. " I replied as I stirred the food in the pan while I was getting some more ingredients ready for our dinner.

" He's Married!??! " Kurama screamed.

" Yeah, I understand your reaction giving how young he looks. He's been married to her for over 4 years. " I explained.

" The dude is 17! He can't possibly be married. "

" He's 21, not 17. " I replied.

" Oh wow... "

" He does look 17, doesn't he? "

" Hell yeah. "

" Well don't worry about him. "

" How do you even know him? I've never even heard you mention him to me. "

" He was the first human who I told that I was a tengu and he accepted me for who I was, he also helped me out when I couldn't get a grasp on the concept of the human world. I never talked about him because his departure had me devastated and if I talked about him then I would freak out. " I explained.

" Oh I see. "

" Do you feel better Kurama? "  I asked while setting the food from the pan onto our dinner plates and setting the plates onto the table.

" I guess but do you now that you've explained that? " Kurama asked me.

" I feel fine. " I replied.

" That's good but how about now? "

" What?- " I was cut off from Kurama kissing me the life out of me and me wrapping my arms around him. He broke off our kiss and looked into my hazy eyes.

" Better? "

" Oh much. " I kissed him back and hugged his waist. Kurama picked me up and we started to head to the bedroom.

" Now let me make my good little tengu feel something she hasn't felt in a while. " Kurama winked at me while I blushed.

" But what about the dinner, it'll get cold. " I asked.

" We could reheat and eat it later. For now, I'm going to enjoy my dessert first. " Kurama kissed my neck.

" O-Ok... " I blushed even deeper.

Oh this was going to be a long night but I did promise.....Oh how I love this tengu man. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Well here is your oneshot, I hope I did you proud on it.

This is the quickest request I've gotten and made.

I hope you all enjoy this and I'm working on the other requests now but if any of you readers want to request one then by all means, please do so.

[ourmrmel]

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR. Shares Quotes to Charge the Entrepreneurial Spirit

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR. Shares Quotes to Charge the Entrepreneurial Spirit

 Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching for Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching.  Mel Feller maintains offices in Texas and in Utah.

  Quotes.  Entrepreneurs are fascinated with them.  They spark our creativity, motivate us to action, and inspire us to greatness. They offer us insights into the spirit behind innovation and genius. In addition, they act as fuel to the fire that burns deep within every true entrepreneur.

  The quotes below are, in Mel Feller’s opinion, some of the best of the best.  They come from authors, poets, inventors, scholars, and entrepreneurs – all legends in their own rights.  So jot them down on Post-it notes and decorate your workspace. Grab red lipstick and write them in sweeping letters across your mirrors.  Pick your favorite and brand it on your…palm.  The right words at the right time can be paramount to your success, so do whatever it takes to keep inspiration nearby.

  “If you don’t design your own life plan, chances are you’ll fall into someone else’s plan. And guess what they have planned for you? Not much.” Jim Rohn, Entrepreneur, Author, Motivational Speaker

  “In life and business, there are two cardinal sins: The first is to act without thought, and the second is to not act at all.” – Carl Icahn, Investor and Entrepreneur

  “Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.” Ralph Waldo Emerson, Poet

  “A business has to be involving, it has to be fun, and it has to exercise your creative instincts.” – Richard Branson, Entrepreneur

  “Can anything be sadder than work left unfinished? Yes; work never begun.” – Christina Rossetti, Author

  “Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved.” Williams Jenning Bryan, Politician and three-time Presidential candidate

  “Watch, listen, and learn. You can’t know it all yourself. Anyone who thinks they do is destined for mediocrity.” – Donald Trump, Business Mogul

  “High expectations are the key to everything.” – Sam Walton, Entrepreneur

  “The only place where success comes before work is in the dictionary.” – Vidal Sassoon, Entrepreneur

  “Do not wait to strike till the iron is hot; but make it hot by striking.” William Butler Yeats, Poet

  “I know the price of success: dedication, hard work, and an unremitting devotion to the things you want to see happen.” - Frank Lloyd Wright, Architect and Entrepreneur

  “Opportunity is missed by most because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.” – Thomas Alva Edison, Inventor and Entrepreneur

  “If you work just for money, you’ll never make it, but if you love what you’re doing and you always put the customer first, success will be yours.” – Ray Kroc, Entrepreneur

  “The secret of success is constancy to purpose.” – Benjamin Disraeli, Author, Politician and Scholar

  “How many cares one loses when one decides not to be something but to be someone.” – Coco Chanel, Entrepreneur

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” - David Brinkley, Newscaster

  “I owe my success to having listened respectfully to the very best advice, and then going away and doing the exact opposite.” – G. K. Chesterton, Author

  “Those who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try nothing and succeed.” Lloyd Jones

  “I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. 26 times I’ve been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life and that is why I succeed.”­ – Michael Jordan, Basketball Legend and Entrepreneur

  “Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” - Thomas Alva Edison, Inventor and Entrepreneur

  “Not doing more than the average is what keeps the average down.” - William M. Winans, Clergyman

  “Six essential qualities that are the key to success: Sincerity, personal integrity, humility, courtesy, wisdom, charity.” William Menninger, Entrepreneur

  “My will shall shape the future.  Whether I fail or succeed shall be no one’s doing but my own. I am the force. I can clear any obstacle before me or I can be lost in the maze. My choice. My responsibility. Win or lose; only I hold the key to my destiny.” - Elaine Maxwell, Author

  “It is common sense to take a method and try it. If it fails, admit it frankly and try another. But above all, try something.” – Franklin D. Roosevelt, 32nd American President

  “You can’t build a reputation on what you’re going to do.” - Henry Ford, Entrepreneur

  “The young do not know enough to be prudent, and therefore they attempt the impossible — and achieve it, generation after generation.” - Pearl S. Buck, Author

  “It is on our failures that we base a new and different and better success.” – Havelock Ellis, Physician and Author

  “Whatever you can do or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it. Begin it now.” - Goethe

  “With courage you will dare to take risks, have the strength to be compassionate, and the wisdom to be humble. Courage is the foundation of integrity.” - Keshavan Nair, Author – Gandhi Biographer

  “To accomplish great things, we must not only act, but also dream; not only plan, but also believe.” - Anatole France, Poet

  “Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” - T. S. Eliot, Author

  “Some people have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can.” Willis R. Whitney, American Chemist

  “For every failure, there’s an alternative course of action. You just have to find it. When you come to a roadblock, take a detour.” - Mary Kay Ash, Entrepreneur

  “Whether you think you can or you can’t, you are usually right.” -Henry Ford

 “If we did all the things we are capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves” -Thomas Edison

  “There is a time in every man’s education when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance; that imitation is suicide; that he must take himself for better, for worse, as his portion; that though the wide universe is full of good, no kernel of nourishing corn can come to him but through his toil bestowed on that plot of ground which is given to him to till. The power which resides in him is new in nature, and none but he knows what that is which he can do, nor does he know until he has tried.” - Ralph Waldo Emerson

  “We must all suffer one of two things: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret or disappointment.” Jim Rohn

  “I demolish my bridges behind me… then there is no choice but to move forward.” — Fridtjof Nansen

  “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” — Alan Kay

  “I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free.” — Michelangelo

  “Not everyone who chased the zebra caught it, but he who caught it chased it.” — South African proverb

 “The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” — Walt Disney

  “In my mind, I’ve always been an A-list Hollywood superstar. Y’all just didn’t know yet.” — Will Smith

  “Don’t worry about people stealing your ideas. If it’s original, you’ll have to ram it down their throats.” — Howard Aiken

  “I couldn’t wait for success, so I went ahead without it.” — Jonathan Winters

  “It’s not that I’m so smart, it’s just that I stay with problems longer.” — Albert Einstein

  “There is no elevator to success. You have to take the stairs.” — Unknown

  “It’s not what you are that holds you back. It’s what you think you’re not.”

- Denis Waitley

  “The time to repair the roof is when the sun is shining.”

- John F. Kennedy

  “Coming home from very lonely places, all of us go a little mad: whether from great personal success, or just an all-night drive, we are the sole survivors of a world no one else has ever seen.” - John le Carre

  This one came from a fortune cookie, but it sure is poignant: “Affirm it, visualize it, believe it, and it will actualize itself”  (And if you’re curious, the “Learn Chinese” word on the back is Mian, meaning Inside.)

   “Think it, write it, act on it, stick to the process; count your wins or losses and repeat the process.” This is the whole duty of an entrepreneur. – Ajaero Tony Martins

  “All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them.” – Walt Disney

  “There comes a time in every man’s life, and I’ve had plenty of them.” Casey Stengel

  “Whatever the mind of man can conceive and believe, it can achieve!” –Napoleon Hill

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” – David Brinkley

  “I demolish my bridges behind me… then there is no choice but to move forward.” — Fridtjof Nansen

  “I celebrate failure – it can temper your character and pave the way for great achievement” -    Kamran Elahian, Serial Entrepreneur

 “It takes 20 years to build a reputation and five minutes to ruin it. If you think about that, you’ll do things differently.” - Warren Buffett

  “The best way to predict the future is to invent it.” — Alan Kay

  “Be like a postage stamp. Stick to it until you get there.” – Bob Proctor

  “A successful person is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks that others throw at him.” – David Brinkley

 “People rarely succeed unless they have fun in what they are doing.”  - Dale Carnegie

 “Coming together is a beginning. Keeping together is progress. Working together is success.” -Henry Ford

  “Try not to become a man of success but a man of value.” -Albert Einstein

 “Some men see things as they are and ask why. Others dream things that never were and ask why not.” - George Bernard Shaw

  “Watch, listen, and learn. You cannot know it all yourself. Anyone who thinks they do is destined for mediocrity.” – Donald Trump

  “I do not fear failure. I only fear the “slowing up” of the engine inside of me which is pounding, saying, “Keep going, someone must be on top, why not you?”” -General Patton

  “The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all!” – Richard Branson

  “I believe you can train yourself to become a positive thinker, but you must cultivate a desire to develop the skill of setting personal worthy and realistic goals. I am so thoroughly convinced that if we don’t set goals in our life and learn how to master the technique of living to reach our goals, we can reach a ripe old age and look back on our life only to see that we reached but a small part of our full potential. When you learn to master the principle of setting a goal, you will then be able to make a great difference in the results you attain in this life.” -M. Russell Ballard

  “Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle. The world you desired can be won, it exists, it is real, it is possible, it’s yours.”-  Ayn Rand

  “Quality is the best business plan.” -John Lasseter (Pixar Animation Studios Inc.)

  “The critical ingredient is getting off your butt and doing something. It’s as simple as that. A lot of people have ideas, but there are few who decide to do something about them now. Not tomorrow. Not next week. But today. The true entrepreneur is a doer, not a dreamer.”

- Nolan Bushnell, founder of Atari and Chuck E. Cheese’s

  “Innovation is the specific tool of entrepreneurs, the means by which they exploit change as an opportunity for a different business or a different service. It is capable of being presented as a discipline, capable of being learned, capable of being practiced. Entrepreneurs need to search purposefully for the sources of innovation, the changes and their symptoms that indicate opportunities for successful innovation. And they need to know and to apply the principles of successful innovation.”

- Peter F. Drucker, “The Father of Modern Management”

  “BE the change you want to see in the world” - Mahatma Gandhi

  “When you’re born the world rejoice, while you cry. Live life in such a way that when you die the world cry, while you rejoice” – Robin Sharma

  “Your life is your story, what kind of character are you going to be?” - David Archuleta

  “Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do. Don’t bother just to be better than your contemporaries or predecessors. Try to be better than yourself”  - William Faulkner

  “If you believe you can, you probably can. If you believe you won’t, you most assuredly won’t. Belief is the ignition switch that gets you off the launching pad.”  - Denis Waitley

  “Never doubt that a small group of committed people can CHANGE THE WORLD. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has” – Margaret Mead

  “They who laugh at others with dreams have to look at themselves and realize they laugh because they’re too scared to try” -Louie Ortega

  “The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotion, spends himself in a worthy cause; who at best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement; and who at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who have never tasted victory or defeat.” - Theodore Roosevelt

Mel Feller, MPA, MHR, is a well-known real estate, business consultant, personal development consultant and speaker, specializing in performance, productivity, and profits. Mel is the President/Founder of Mel Feller Seminars with Coaching For Success 360, Inc. and Mel Feller Coaching, a real estate and business specific coaching company. His three books for real estate professionals are systems on how to become an exceptional sales performer. His four books in Business and Government Grants are ways to leverage and increase your business Success in both time and money! His book on Personal Development “Lies that Will Sabotage Your Success”. Mel Feller is in Texas and In Utah.  Currently an MBA Candidate.

[emeraldspiral]

So I’m pretty late to the game on this, but I just saw Incredibles 2 and now you get to see my opinions not under a readmore.

Motorcycle chase was the dopest. The Underminer fight and the mansion fight were pretty cool too. I surprisingly really liked the Screenslaver fight as well. I was expecting something totally obnoxious and painful to watch, but it didn’t have any effect on me at all.

Movie needed more Voyd. I loves me some portals. But also, she got way more screen time and dialog than the other minor super characters and it seemed like she was going to be more significant that she turned out to be. Like, you’d think she’d have a subplot with a character arc or she’d turn out to be a villain. But no, she’s just featured a little more prominently than the other minor supporting super characters.

Which brings me to my next point;

Story wasn’t as good as the first one. It felt more like a TV pilot than a proper film. Voyd being introduced and made to seem significant but then not being anything more than a slightly more prominent side-character was just one of the reasons it felt that way. It doesn’t feel like a movie because it doesn’t feel like a complete story, it feels like it was just setting up characters and plot points and themes to be fleshed out across several episodes.

First movie was pretty clearly a complete self-contained story about a mid-life crisis and the narrative was focused squarely on Bob and his need to find the balance between pursuing his interests and doing what gives him purpose and looking out for his family with minor subplots about the kids coming into their own with their powers and Helen worrying that Bob is cheating on her. Incredibles 2 is just Bob playing Mr. Mom and Helen fighting crime. You expect that there’s going to be a point where Bob reaches the end of his rope with the kids or his jealousy of Helen and blows up at her or does something stupid like jacking the Incredicar and doing some unauthorized hero work that ends up undoing the good will Elastigirl has built-up. Or you think Elastigirl is going to have an arc about dealing with the pressures of being a representative of all supers and having their fate, and in particular, the fates of her children, decided by her actions. But instead Bob’s big 2nd act fuck-up is embarrassing his daughter and his character arc is just acknowledging that being a dad is hard. Helen doesn’t even really get a story arc. She wants to “respect the law” then decides to “fix the law by breaking it” in the beginning. Then she just does illegal crime fighting. No cops try to stop her, her family suffers no consequences, there aren’t any injuries or property damage. She literally records herself breaking the law and then just goes on TV to talk about her law-breaking and no one ever tries to arrest her or anything. The public adores her, we never hear of any kind of opposition or counter-arguments against what she’s doing. She never encounters anything that would make her think she’s going about trying to legalize supers again the wrong way or that maybe she shouldn’t be trying to legalize them again at all. There’s some other little things thrown in there like Helen worrying about leaving the kids in Bob’s care or discount Megamind girl stroking her ego about being in the spotlight, but that ends up not amounting to anything either. Helen never like, misses her kids, or gets the idea that Bob can’t handle things and decides to abandon her cause to take care of her family, nor does she develop an ego or a persecution complex and that causes her to fight with Bob or make a bad decision because she’s being stubborn and wants to prove a point or something.

Other little nitpicks I have are that even if I hadn’t been spoiled about who the villain was it was a dead giveaway that they had her explain her motivation immediately. There wasn’t even a good reason for it. She could’ve kept her mouth shut and just let Elastigirl think she held the same beliefs as her brother and then surprised us later by telling us something we didn’t already know about the circumstances of their parent’s deaths and how she interpreted things.

The Edna and Jack-Jack scenes felt repetitive and unnecessary. Edna already made Jack-Jack a suit in the first movie and the remote for the new one broke so he had to go back to using the old one anyway, so what was the point? Plus, the audience has already known since forever that Jack-Jack had powers. I didn’t even realize that the family still didn’t know. I thought they saw when he transformed into a monster in Syndrome’s arms or would’ve noticed between the end of that scene and whenever the track meet scene happens given how frequently Jack-Jack displayed his powers, or at least they would’ve heard all the messages the babysitter sent.

The scene where Jack-Jack fights a racoon makes me really uncomfortable for some reason. It’s like, no matter who wins, I lose. I’m looking at a baby thinking “Oh god! It’s a squishy little baby fighting a wild animal! I hope it doesn’t get scratched or bitten!” But I’m also looking at a fairly realistic-looking animal, not a Daffy Duck or Wile E. Coyote-looking creature completely divorced from reality thinking “This is just a regular animal getting the shit beat out of it by a much stronger being. I can see the fear in its eyes. Why doesn’t it just run away? Why does god want me to suffer?” IDK, I feel the same way about the first scene of Moana where there’s a baby unsupervised on the beach and you’re supposed to think it’s cute, but I’m just thinking “If the water weren’t magic, this would end badly.”

Which reminds me of the short that came before the movie. Also really uncomfortable. The beginning where the woman puts the dumpling in her mouth and was just a second away from biting down before the thing became sentient is seriously unnerving. And then it’s just so soft and gooey-looking for the rest of the short I can’t help but be on the mom’s side being terrified of it getting smushed by a soccer ball. Then she fucking eats the baby and lemme tell you I have never been so relieved to see an “all just a dream” ending. It kind of reminds me of that terrible movie Splice that you think is going to be a horror movie but then it turns out to be a movie about parenting. Then you think it’s going to have a tragic ending where the monster girl breaks free from her overprotective parents and then gets hit by a bus or shot by a farmer or something because they sheltered her instead of preparing her for the outside world. But then in the last ten minutes it decides it wants to be a horror movie after all and instead we get cat murder, maiming, incest, and rape.

[sleepingfancies]

What are your thoughts on the Petyr Snape comparison

Personally, I think it only holds ground on the surface.

As in - they’re both men who resented the man their former lover ended up with, and then later came into more-or-less guardianship of their former lovers’ child. But I think the similarities begin and end there. More under the cut bc this got a bit longer than I intended!

For starters, I do not ever see Snape handing James Potter over to Voldemort to be killed just so he can be closer to Lily. I think - and this is just my interpretation - the differences between them are the degrees of their selfishness and the peace they made with how things turned out.

Snape, despite how utterly in love he was (and went about it poorly), made peace with James and Lily being together.

Petyr Baelish never, ever made peace with Catelyn being anyone’s but his, to the point where he accepted Sansa as the next best thing after Catelyn died.

Snape definitely hung on to his love for Lily, I won’t lie and pretend he was a total saint about it all. His Patronus changing forms, taking her side of the family photo; there are many instances where we can see Snape never really got over Lily - to some, that can come off as creepy. Personally I see it as more like a guy who pushed his only friend and love away by behaving rashly, and blames himself for her death, believing he could’ve protected her from Voldemort. Perhaps he even believed none of it would’ve happened had he not called her a mudblood all those years ago, if he had never turned Death Eater. Snape is a man who has a lot of serious regrets. He certainly had no love for James though, nor even for Harry. That much is clear (and if we’re being totally honest, given the situation, Harry wasn’t always the most considerate or easiest child to deal with - some of Snape’s frustration with him seems pretty justified at times). But Snape had made peace with the fact that he didn’t end up with Lily, that James married her, and that they had a kid together. I mean that as in - he was no longer pursuing Lily, begging her to choose him instead, or harassing them as a family. He never fought with James outside of Hogwarts, and while he quite obviously detested Harry for being very much like James, he never allowed Harry to physically come to harm if he could help it.

Petyr, though? Petyr never stopped trying to make Catelyn his. As long as Ned wasn’t around, he would make the best possible impression he could, as if he might still win her over. He had absolutely no quarrels about letting Ned get executed, in fact he played a crucial role in getting Ned killed. He killed Lysa for “Catelyn” even after Catelyn was already dead (I’m convinced Sansa has now literally become a young Catelyn in Baelish’s mind. She’s no longer Sansa - who’s Sansa? She’s Cat, his Cat, and there’s nothing he won’t do to secure his second chance at having her for himself). Speaking of Sansa, he did jack all to protect her. She got beat again and again by the Lannisters, nearly raped (wherein Sandor Clegane saved her, not Baelish), shuffled around from future husband to future husband, and then was used in the most damning way possible. While that usage inevitably led to her escape from King’s Landing, there is no way in hell she can go back as long as a Lannister sits on the Iron Throne. She’s a murder fugitive, and that isn’t really the cleanest way Baelish could’ve smuggled her out (nor the earliest, mind you, I think Baelish is full of shit when he says he couldn’t have possibly gotten her out of KL earlier).

Now, in terms of selfishness: both Petyr and Snape are selfish men. But Petyr is so, so much worse.

Baelish is still doing everything for himself when it comes to Sansa. He’s still playing the Game of Thrones. He lets Sansa get the absolute shit beaten out of her because “there was no other way,” i.e. he didn’t feel secure enough in his own future to openly protect her yet. He’s predatory to her, he sees her only as Catelyn 2.0, and his entire scheme is likely leading up to him finding some loophole wherein he “has no other choice” but to marry Sansa, or vice versa. It is utterly disgusting and creepy. He doesn’t even really care that Sansa is Catelyn’s daughter, not really. He protects her under the guise of “I do this because you’re Catelyn’s daughter,” when in reality all he really gives a shit about is that she looks enough like Catelyn that he doesn’t feel weird beating off to her at night.

Snape, on one hand, is selfish. He does only care about Harry because he’s Lily’s son. But, on the other hand, Snape risked his own life several hundred times to ensure Harry’s safety. Yes, Snape was never particularly kind to him (or anyone), but credit where credit is due; he didn’t think much of his own future when Harry’s life was on the line. I distinctly remember reading Deathly Hallows and being stunned when, in Snape’s memories, Harry saw Snape attempt to sectumsempra a Death Eater who was about to avada kedavra “Harry.” Of course, turns out it was actually George Weasley, after escaping the Dursley’s in Harry’s form via polyjuice potion. The spell missed the Death Eater, hence George’s lost ear. But the facts were that Snape - in midair, after convincing Voldemort he was loyal - was ready to risk openly mutilating a fellow Death Eater to protect Harry. Plus combating that broom curse in first year, getting his leg ripped open by Fluffy, chasing down Harry when he knew Harry was with Sirius and Remus, protecting the trio against werewolf Remus, calling the Order to save the kids when Harry communicated that he thought Voldemort had kidnapped Sirius and ran off… I mean… you name a mode of protecting Harry, and Snape has probably done it. Plus - Snape was genuinely angry at Dumbledore for allowing Harry to grow up in the dark about who (and what) he was, only to wind up needing to be murdered. Snape was furious about that. He may not have ever liked Harry, but he respected that he was Lily’s son, and he was willing to go above and beyond to keep him safe. He was absolutely beside himself that Dumbledore would disrespect Lily’s child like that and allow him to be killed when Snape spent his entire life protecting Harry.

That is the crucial difference, to me.

Baelish’s actions concerning Sansa are entirely selfish. He is obsessive, trying to shove her into a box to make up for Catelyn’s loss (doubly so, between her marrying Ned and then being murdered at the Red Wedding). He doesn’t, never has, and never will respect Sansa, or Catelyn’s memory. What he wants is to fulfill his own fantasies. He uses and manipulates Sansa, literally murders those who get in his way of him and Catelyn being together, and does it all for his own gain. He doesn’t care what happens to Sansa as long as at the end of the day they can be together, because she as an individual doesn’t exist in his eyes. It’s only young Catelyn. There is no modicum of redemption for how Baelish is treating Sansa.

Snape’s actions concerning Harry are only partially selfish. His actions are a reflection of his begrudging but steadfast devotion to his only friend and the woman he loved (or was infatuated with, whatever you believe he felt). But I don’t think he’s trying to fill a personal void by protecting Harry. We know for a fact that Harry looks more like James than Lily, we know Harry even behaves more like James than Lily. I’m not saying Snape loves Harry like a son, I think nothing could be further from the truth. But Snape is not acting solely for his own gain. Snape protects Harry because he respects that Harry is Lily’s son whom she loved and wanted safe. He is making amends with his past mistakes and failures by protecting what Lily died for.

Do you see what I mean? Snape’s intentions are selfish, as he is attempting to serve himself. But to an extent, they are also extremely honorable. Sometimes selfishness and nobility do go hand in hand - self-sacrifice is a pretty common example of that. Snape could’ve gone about it better, I’m not saying he’s flawless. He could’ve practiced being kind. But he laid down his life for Harry because he wasn’t about to let Lily’s son get killed, and because it was his last chance at fixing his life’s mistakes (god knows he made plenty).

Baelish isn’t trying to fix anything. He isn’t trying to do one last good thing before he gets caught playing everyone for fools. He isn’t trying to honor Catelyn’s memory by saving and protecting her babies - else I’d imagine he would’ve gathered all the Starks under his wing, if he could. All Petyr Baelish wants is the daughter who happens to look most like Catelyn, so that he can have Catelyn - or as close to Catelyn as he can get.

[inkxlenses]

What are the bravest things that you did?

1. Beat clinical depression- It was the lowest and darkest period of my life. I am SO proud of myself for not giving up, but instead had made a difficult decision to seek professional help after excessive deliberation, stubbornness, apathy, and lack of motivation (and nihilism, dammit). Yeah of course at present there would still be days when I would be upset or stressed about something, but they are nothing compared to what I had been through. (And sometimes I realize that those things just occurred during *those days in that time of the month*—you know what I mean haha). Thus, I always tell myself that if I could get beat my depression into a pulp, I could always get over my *monthly existential crises*. It was also after that dark chapter of my life that I joined a community committed to help people who are going through various difficulties in life (e.g. depression, anxiety, abuse, terminal illness, grief, etc). The stigma for mental health conditions are appalling even coming from professionals, and the discrimination these people experience could make their situations worse and make it harder for them to recover, thus, it was something that I truly want to advocate for. It was an absolutely rewarding feeling to know that I can help those people who are usually ignored and/or lack the courage to tell someone of their troubles, so they seek a somewhat unconventional support. Uhm yeah I’m lighting up the mood here, but I don’t need to elaborate how *dark* that chapter of my life was because I don’t want to look back. Instead, I look forward to all the great opportunities life has in store for me. I only need the courage to seize them.

2. Performed in a crowd (..in a foreign land)- As I was in the process of recovering, I decided to stay with my cousin, Akiko, in Ginza to get away from my normal environment and routine; kinda like my way to “revive” my natural enthusiasm in life. She loooooooves to perform in Harajuku, which if you are familiar with, is one of the havens for performers in Tokyo. One time she invited me to her band’s performances and had successfully persuaded me to sing in front of a crowd. This might be something trivial for someone who lives their life in the stage, but I am not like that. I had to pluck up my courage and face my fears. It really was a “dividing and conquering” moment for me because I finally realized that indeed, I am gradually recovering. And from that point in time, not only had I come out of my shell by performing in front of an audience (as I am NOT a singer at all), but for me it was also the moment when I made a conscious decision that I would always try to overcome and leave my irrational fears in the past. I was inspired to do my best to not be easily overwhelmed by people and the external world ever again. I was, in that moment, fearless and had embraced the beauty of the realization that I need not be afraid because I am a survivor.

(Hmm. I don’t really know if anyone else would be interested to read this aside from theyoungnova. What I’ve written under the line is a bit personal, so you might just want to ignore this post if you’re not comfortable to read drama™. And mate, it’s just embarrassingly long..)

3. Stood up to take control of my life- I’ve spent majority of my life submitting to the demands of an extremely toxic and abusive parent. I was pressured—to the point of being literally threatened—to pursue something she wants for me, and not what I want for myself. Eventually, I had “negotiated” something but I was still forced to yield to her initial demand. She never cared for what I want and had my dream completely dismissed because according to her “It would not be lucrative. It was impractical. I would be a shock-absorber. It would be emotionally draining blah blah blah”. I was always forced to comply and had always felt as if I was “regulated” to conform into their wishes, otherwise the consequences would be detrimental––traumatic, even. I didn’t have a voice. But then, recovering from depression was really the defining moment of my life because I learned that I need to stand up, take a risk and control my life. I know it looks completely absurd for someone to be almost in their late twenties, yet still somehow be “controlled” in their major life decisions. But guess what, you’re lucky you’ve never met my mum. I never was and never will be a defiant daughter, in spite of all the traumatizing things she did, but nowadays it’s like I stealthily make my plans unbeknownst to them. *diabolical laughter* She’s a tad better™ now, but you know.. whatevs. I also have a very supportive partner, my favourite brother, wonderful (but maniacal at times) bestfriends and my dad’s support, so I’m a step closer to my “calling in life”. Yeah I know that sounds cheesy haha

(Hmm. I’m still contemplating if I should edit something because what I just shared was something very personal to me. And I don’t want to be a sob story here.)

4. Said goodbye to someone I greatly admired- Last year, I was truly humbled by the chance to get to know perhaps the smartest person I’ve ever met: my long-lost uncle. (My mum’s family has a lot of drama™ I tellsssss you haha) He was the most accomplished real polymath AND polyglot I’ve ever met. But what made me admire him the most was his various interests and expertise in different disciplines, and his drive to continue learning (and he was so into conspiracy theories, the occult and esoterica as well BAHAHA). He had hundreds of books in his library (and those were just in his home in SG); he rarely read fiction—this person was truly passionate to learn, educate himself and master his craft. He was the first older person that I’ve met who hadn’t shrugged off at my inquisitiveness, my quirkiness, my incessant questions, but instead had attentively listened to my ramblings. He told me to never stop questioning things, and to always probe and seek answers for my curiosities. Sadly, he was terminally ill and he passed away a few months after :( But I know that the time you spend with someone is irrelevant to the bond you’ve built with them. I would always treasure our intelligent conversations because I’d learned so much from him.

I recall having this convo with my mum shortly after he died, and how she told me that my uncle’s life was really sad because he was estranged from them. He never married and had only reunited with his family when he’s already ill. I disagreed with her because for me, he truly was a testament that you could be extremely successful even if you hadn’t conformed to society’s definition of “what a truly lived life is”. (For instance, why is it that marriage seems to be the culmination of one’s happiness? EH?). Yes, he was successful™ on the very essence of society’s definition of what success™ is: financially stable, accumulated material possessions, etc. But for me he was successful not because of his riches, but because he chased his dreams, he explored what is out there in the world, and he never stopped learning. He didn’t have to have this classic Machiavellian conviction, nor had the need to trample anybody to reach his zenith. I seriously still couldn’t figure out how he managed to accomplish so SO much, had the time to travel around the world, and had read countless of books in his life. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, “It doesn’t matter what success means to you as long as you are genuinely happy about your life, you are productive in your own way and you are continually improving yourself, you are touching other people’s lives, and more importantly, you are doing these things to achieve your personal goals and not just to impress other people. Do what you want to do with your life because success–more than anything else–is about personal contentment.” Yes, I was heartbroken when I had to say goodbye to him, but I was even more dedicated to chase my dreams because he inspired me to.

5. Skydive- My first (of I hope many) skydiving experience was in North London Skydiving Centre and it was one of the most exhilarating moments of my life. I have this fear of heights and I’m not an adrenaline junkie, but I’m always up for anything exciting and adventurous, so I was very glad that I was able to experience it. I can’t wait to do it again in somewhere more dangerous xD

[sage-nebula]

Okay, so I really will talk about this more when I actually write up the eighth and ninth posts of this liveblog, but I’m feeling really, really aggravated at a certain turn this story has taken right now, and so I have to get it off my chest. Because honestly, this is one of my least favorite things and I really have to gripe about how it has been inserted into a narrative that I was otherwise really enjoying before this point (like, really, it’s kind of ruining it for me a little bit, ngl). Putting this under a cut since it’s pretty major #spoilers for Seven’s route.

So the whole deal, as you know if you’ve either played this game or have been reading my posts, is that Seven is a secret agent for an intelligence agency on top of managing security for the RFA. Because the intelligence agency does very shady things, and because he has had to do horrible things, and because of all the other bullshit going on in his life right now (re: Saeran and V and all that), Seven is (more than a little understandably) going through a really rough time and keeps trying to push everyone away, including the MC, who has feelings for him since this is a dating sim and this is the path in which you pursue him. Seven feels that it’s too dangerous for him to get involved with anyone or have connections, and as such the idea of having someone close like that---however much he may like them---is exceptionally stressful for him and he just . . . can’t deal, at least at the moment.

The problem is, the narrative can’t allow that because this is a dating sim. So even though it’s more than understandable that Seven wants his space, even though he has every right in the world to end this relationship where it is, the narrative is still pushing the MC to go after him despite him repeatedly saying “no” and “we can’t do this” and “it’s impossible” over and over again. Even in the Good Ending answer choices, the MC is like “but what about my feelings” and “just let me understand you”, and putting aside the understanding him bit for a minute (because I have a gripe about that, too), I hate that, I hate it so much, because it’s like---

Obviously it’s not just restricted to Mystic Messenger. This is a trope we see time, and time, and time again, wherein one character (usually male) has a very troubled and tragic backstory and, because It’s Dangerous™, he feels the need to push everyone away. But another character (usually female) refuses to accept this, and even though he very truthfully explains to her that it is dangerous and he does not feel comfortable with her coming along for the ride, she continues to ignore him and railroad over those boundaries (feeling that ~it’s okay because she loves him~) until he finally breaks down and accepts her. This is treated as the girl ~melting his icy exterior~, when in actuality it’s the girl completely disregarding his consent, stomping all over his boundaries, and wearing him down until he says “yes”.

Do me a favor. Flip those genders. If it was a woman repeatedly telling a man that they could not be together, that she could not have a relationship with him, that it was too dangerous to be with her, that she didn’t feel comfortable putting him in danger, et cetera, would you feel okay with the man character consistently ignoring that, pushing and pushing, until the woman was finally worn down and gave in with a “do whatever you want”? Would you be okay with that? I really hope the answer is “no”, because even if it’s “well, but we normally don’t see that so the gender inversion is cool!” that’s not okay. Double standards are not okay. A person having their consent and boundaries violated time and again is not okay, regardless of the genders of the parties involved. It’s not okay to do this to guys just because ~they’re guys~ or because ~well the girl loves him~, because in scenarios where men relentlessly pursue women, I’m sure they’d say it’s because they love them, too. And however ~pure~ the female characters’ intentions are framed (often because works like this refuse to acknowledge that women could be anything but pure---it’s why they’re often presented in the right in scenarios like this, even if the scenarios themselves are not romantic), that doesn’t make it right, or okay, or acceptable. It’s gross and extremely bothersome, and I would never do that to someone . . .

. . . and yet, in this game, I’m forced to, and to a character I really love and do relate to, at that.

It kills me, because before it felt like we were really bonding, but now we’re not. And part of this comes down to the fact that this is a dating sim, and so the MC has to have a really generic and bland personality (in this case, Plucky Shoujo Heroine™) so that the average person can self-insert into her. The problem is, though . . . okay, there’s no way to phrase this without sounding like a douche, so I’m just going to say it: I’m not the average person. Like, it kills me, because there were multiple points (and I took screenshots of some of them) where I just would not realistically say either of the answer choices. And when Seven is going on about how “you’re so bright and warm and you could never possibly understand the real me” or “you could never understand, but there’s never been a day when I haven’t been depressed” --- like, BRUH! I just wanted to snap back, like, seriously? You think I don’t understand? Really? Boy, take a seat, because it’s time for you to feast your ears on some truth pops that I’m about to lay down on this table for you, straight up. Obviously our situations are not exactly the same---I’m not the bastard child of a wealthy politician, for one, nor was I manipulated into joining an intelligence agency, et cetera---but trust me, I’ve faced more than my fair share of abuse in childhood, adolescence, and even adulthood, so I definitely know where he’s coming from with that. I have diagnosed chronic severe depression, anxiety disorder, and C-PTSD, so yeah, I can relate there, too! And all of those jokes? Those lols we had in the chat? The playing around, the trolling? No, it wasn’t all a lie (from him, either---people are multi-faceted, Seven, that can be just as much of a part of you as this part of you is, and yes, it is possible to joke while being severely depressed at the same time, I would fucking know), but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have my own issues, either. That doesn’t mean that I don’t also feel severe depression. I mean, for fucksake, I’m supposed to be at therapy in like six hours, what the fuck do you think I’m so cheerful and bright and carefree for, huh? It’s honestly insulting.

And no, it’s not Seven’s fault, because the game can’t flesh out the MC because the MC has to be relatable to everyone. Never mind the fact that the MC, despite being told that she has to stay in Rika’s apartment because of The Party™, apparently didn’t have a job that she had to notify that she would no longer be showing up to. Never mind that she apparently never had family she had to tell where she was, or bills to pay, or a pet at home, or anything like that, like---you’d think that’d raise some alarm bells, that it would raise some questions that no one in RFA knows literally anything about this person that they’ve let into their group, other than the fact that she seems nice and wants to help with The Party™. And again, I know it’s because the MC has to be relatable to any random person to pick up the game, so she has to be bland and generic and her backstory literally does not matter since the game is not about her, but rather is about these characters---but my point here is that aside from the obvious narrative flaw of constructing a story like this (which is just a problem inherent in the genre, I know), she’s not relatable to me anymore. It was much easier to feel absorbed when I was able to be snarky and and whatnot, but now that the VNMs have her being a Plucky Shoujo Protagonist™ . . . that’s not me. That’s not me even a little. It’s especially not me when I’m having to pressure Seven into ~thinking about his feelings for me~ and refusing to back down when he says it’s dangerous and we need to stop because, for fucksake, I’m not saying I’d give up completely, but I’d want to have a real talk and I absolutely would not keep pushing the romance thing regardless of how I feel, because he has more than enough problems to be getting on with now, and me being a whiny bint doesn’t need to be one of them. I wouldn’t want someone pressuring me like that, so I hate that the game is forcing me to do it to Seven.

Anyway, this got long, and I’m supposed to be saving it for the actual playthroughs, but . . . man. Aside from the MC having long hair in all these images (I’m actually rather pale, so even though I like my chosen avatar’s darker skin, that doesn’t yank me out as much as the long hair does---why do things like this act like girls can’t be pretty unless they have long hair?), it just really breaks the immersion and is a definite turn-off for me. I hate this kind of set-up, the “I’ll keep pushing until I wear you down” set-up, and especially how it’s always so excused when it’s the girl chasing after the boy. I mean, one of the few things JKR did right when writing Harry and Ginny is that, when they had that talk at the end of HBP, Ginny did back down after Harry said that he cared that she would be in danger. Like, yeah, she said “what if I don’t care?” but when he said, “I care,” she listened to him and respected that and backed off until he was ready to give it another go. That’s good. That’s what you should do. Not this bullshit where “but what I want matters toooooo” because no, not really, not to the same degree. Yeah, you’ll be sad if you’re not together, but the difference is that he’s unhappy because you’re imposing yourself on him despite how anxious and uncomfortable he is. You’re unhappy because he’s leaving you alone. Forcing your company on someone who doesn’t want it is always going to be more wrong than someone walking away from a relationship that, for whatever reason, doesn’t make them happy at the moment. Your happiness is not more important than someone else’s well-being*, and someone terminating a relationship with you---regardless of the reason---is not wrong if that’s what they need to do to feel comfortable. I very, very strongly believe this.

(*And no, “but what about my well-being since I’ll be sad if we’re not together” is not a valid response here, so don’t even play. It’s nowhere near the same thing and you know it.)

So yeah, I’m still going to keep playing, and I’m still going to keep going for the right answers (another thing that breaks the immersion), but I’m really upset that the narrative took such a turn. I guess I should have seen that coming, too, but . . . yeah. It’s really uncomfortable.

Anyway, more on that tomorrow.

[aethelar]

Newt is a really, really weird demon whom Percival Graves summoned to help with MACUSA's Grindelwald problem. Go wild.

When people look at Percival Graves, they see his grandfather’s grandson. Not his father - Leodegrance Graves is a quiet man, the sort whose cardigans are soft and have elbow patches, the sort who putters around his bookshop and hums snatches of songs to himself as he sorts the books by size and personality. People tend to skip over Leo, not that it makes much of a difference to him.

But still, people look at Graves and they see a Graves, like his Grandfather, like his Great Grandfather, like the whole line of them before him. They see his purposeful strides, the way magic bends wandlessly to his will, the hardness in his eyes when he makes an arrest. The Graves are an old family with old roots, a family of duellers and fighters, a family whose magic is straightforward, blunt and strong.

When Grindelwald designs his prison for Graves, he designs it to contain a Graves in any and every way possible. The wards cannot be flooded. The iron cuffs dampen and strangle magic, pressing in against Graves like a crushing weight he can barely breathe through. The door cannot be kicked down. It is, in many ways, the perfect prison and if Graves were only a Graves and nothing more then he’d be trapped to wither and die in the barren cell.

It is good for Graves that he has a mother then, and better still that Grindelwald is fool enough to overlook her. Carlotta de Lucci learnt the old magics at her mother’s knee; her son learnt them just the same at hers, and though Grindelwald has taken care to stop anyone getting out of his carefully constructed prison cell, he’s taken no such care to stop someone getting in.

Or something.

Graves presses a wad of torn cloth against his bleeding hand and double checks the sigils again. There’s a bitter tang to the air, a heaviness as ancient forces swell and stir in anticipation. The summoning circle is crude and the usual candles and herbs are missing, but it thrums with power all the same.

He breathes.

My soul for strength, my freedom for power. Look kindly on me in this life for I have forsaken the next. 

Even in his mind the words reverberate, a dissonant choir of whispered screams building in his ears. His mother’s warnings hover on the edge of his memory, but this isn’t the time to be cautious. This has gone long beyond the time to be cautious. The sigils gleam at his thoughts, the wet smear of blood deepening to the orange-red glow of fire. Graves holds his hand over the circle and opens his fist to allow three drops to fall.

“Ad attrahendum eos,” he says in a voice that burns his throat. “Ad constringendum, ad ligandum eos pariter et solvendum, et ad congregantum eos coram me.”

There is a blinding shriek as the flames explode outwards. Graves digs his heels into the floor and braces himself against them, gritting his teeth in pain as their icy fingers claw at his chest. He can’t feel them take his soul, but the desolate, gaping lack of it once it’s gone drives him to his knees. He huddles there, hunched over and gasping as the flames flare brilliant white and dissolve into wisps of brimstone smoke that curli and reshape themselves, formless red glinting gold and blue until it finally coalesces into a man.

No, not a man. A demon. One bound to him and his bidding for as long as he lives - this is what Graves’ soul has bought. Perhaps, when he’s free and Grindelwald is little more than a smear in time, Graves will barter for his soul back. Horror stories are built and dark lords are made on the deals people make to win back their souls, but let’s be honest here: Graves didn’t go into this expecting life to be easy. He hauls himself to his feet, pushing aside the shards of agony shooting from the wailing cavity in his chest.

“My name is Percival Graves, son of the de Lucci line,” he says formally. “Do you obey?”

The demon blinks at him, wide eyes set in a freckled face. Graves is thrown for a second at how disarmingly… innocent the demon looks; it’s taken a male form, younger than Graves himself, with loose curls and a crooked tilt to its lips. He shakes himself out it; demons aren’t innocent, nor young - they’re ageless beings of spite and malice, fallen angels warped and made foul in hell. There’s nothing innocent about them.

“Um. Um? Oh! Hi.” The demon -

what the fuck.

The demon waves at him, shy smile and bashful dip to its head, the whole package. “I’m - no, not that, you can’t pronounce that. Call me… Newt. And I’m terribly sorry, I didn’t catch your name.”

“Graves,” Graves says numbly, mind still scrambling to catch up. He shook himself, reaching for the clarity of mind needed to bargain with a demon - and the demon steps out the circle to shake his hand.

What the fuck.

“Nice to meet you,” Newt says politely, hand held out awkwardly. Graves stares at it. Somewhere in the back of his mind a small part of him is gibbering about the fact that demons aren’t supposed to be able to cross the circle, and that Graves isn’t supposed to be alive once the demon crosses the circle. Newt’s smile wavers and he retrieves his hand to stick it in a pocket instead.

“Did you get summoned here too?” he asks, doggedly pursuing conversation. “I hope it doesn’t take long. I’m supposed to feed the graphorns in a minute, they get grumpy if I’m late.”

“Graphorns,” Graves echoes. The ability to say more than one word at a time seems to have escaped him.

“Graphorns,” Newt repeats happily. “You probably won’t have seen any - the last pair died just a few months ago, poor things, they’re completely extinct now. But! I rescued them and they’re doing fine, they’ve really taken being undead. I think it’s going well.”

At the risk of becoming repetitive, what the fuck.

“No,” Graves, says, pinching the bridge of his nose. He uses the wrong hand and smears blood on his forehead which is just peachy and as his magic is still tied up in the damn iron manacles, he resorts to scrubbing it off with his sleeve. “Start again.”

“Um?” Newt tries, and Graves can’t tell if he’s being a shit or being honest and now he’s considering the idea that a demon looks that tiny bit cute when it scrunches its nose up in confusion and he really needs to stop this.

“You,” he says with a rude jab of his finger, “are a demon. I traded my soul for your servitude and you’re going to get me out of here and rain damnation on my enemies. Capisci?”

Newt’s face falls. “Oh,” he mumbles. “That sort of summoning.”

Graves is tempted to ask what other sort of summoning Newt was hoping for. In his experience, if you’re trading your soul for something then you’re looking for at least a little hellfire and revenge. People in need of a cup of sugar tended not to summon demons. He’s tempted to ask, but he doesn’t because god only knows what explanation Newt will come up with.

“Does it have to be damnation?” Newt asks plaintively. “Can’t we just… travel for a bit? I’m not allowed up top much. We could see a phoenix! We never get phoenix in hell, how awesome would it be to find a phoenix? Do they really set themselves on fire? Have you ever seen one - what if it’s raining, can they still set themselves on fire in the rain?”

“I traded my soul for damnation,” Graves tries desperately. Newt doesn’t miss a beat.

“I’ll trade it back if we go travelling and find a phoenix.”

What the frick kind of demon trades a soul for anything short of seventy seven other souls to replace it? Graves squints at Newt, but as far as he can tell the other man - demon, demon, damnit - genuinely wants to chase flaming pigeons around the world.

“What about your graphorns?” he says suspiciously. Newt shrugs him off.

“I can set up a portal to the enclosures and just nip home to feed them, it’s not a problem. Put it in something to take with us - do you have a puzzlebox? Friend of mine set his up in a puzzlebox. Or anything, a suitcase, even. Hide it in the suitcase.” He looks up hopefully, tilting his head with just the tiniest hint of a smile, and Graves has the awful suspicion that he’s being seduced into agreeing to something here. On the other hand… Newt is offering him his soul back, and he doesn’t have to kill anyone to get it. Just find a phoenix. How hard can it be?

“Deal?” Newt presses when Graves hesitates, and damn it (probably literally) - Graves agrees.

“Deal,” he says, holding his hand out to shake on it.

Newt shakes his head, looking so regretfully innocent about it that it has to be feigned. “Oh, no - demon deals are sealed with a kiss.” He steps forwards, hands already reaching for Graves and his smile morphing into a satisfied smirk as he closes the distance between them.

Graves knew Newt had ulterior motives.

Not that he particularly minds.

(Oh, and that bit about not having to kill anyone as part of this deal? Unfortunately not true. Newt, it turns out, is all in favour of wanton destruction when he learns about poachers. Illegal potions trade, that too. Hell, Graves had to talk fast to keep Newt from taking down the legal potions trade, nevermind the illegal stuff, and has to spend several years campaigning for better regulation and higher standards of care just to stop Newt setting the entire wizarding world on fire.

They don’t find a phoenix. Newt drags him all over the world and somehow they never find a phoenix. The ache where Graves’ soul used to be never quite goes away, but when he’s curled up against Newt, limbs tangled and sleep-heavy and his nose pressed into the crook of Newt’s neck - it doesn’t hurt so much, then.

They don’t find a phoenix, until a day when Graves is an old man. Newt isn’t - he’s aged his appearance to match and given himself shockingly white hair just because, but he dances around as sprightly and youthfully as he ever did. Graves on the other hand… He uses a cane, these days. He walks slowly, bent over, stopping to take a breath. His back is a constant pain, his knees - well. He’s an old man.

Newt has been quiet all day, and he won’t say where they’re going. It’s somewhere in Scotland, somewhere miserably cold and wet and the chill seeps into Graves’ bones like a physical wound. He’s more leaning on Newt than walking at this stage, but Newt still doesn’t say anything.

A castle looms out of the mist, tall and stately and all but shimmering with magic. The gates are guarded by a pair of winged boar and wards that fair hum with the power curled in their dormant runes. There’s a man by the gates, waiting for them, an old man - no. Old in the way that Newt is old, white haired but ageless underneath.

The man nods at them. With a pained grimace, Newt nods back. Graves opens his mouth to ask what’s going on, but - in a minute. His chest hurts, he needs to get his breath back first.

He doesn’t get the chance to ask though, because the pain in his chest isn’t going away. It spreads to his arm and fine, heart attack, he’s had one of these before but Newt’s there and he’ll just - he’ll just -

Newt isn’t crying, but there’s a terrifying emptiness to his face as he holds Graves. “I was selfish,” he says, flat and monotone and deliberately, awfully blank. “I won’t say I’m sorry because I’m not, but I was selfish.” 

Why, Graves wants to ask, but he doesn’t have the breath. There’s a ringing in his ears, black and white spots fading in and out of his vision -

The last thing he sees is the phoenix. It sits on Newt’s shoulder and presses itself against him like it knows him, and with that, with that Newt has found a phoenix and the deal is finally complete. Graves’ soul floods back into him like a rush of ice over a burn and it hurts, it hurts, it hurts because the pain on Newt’s face as Graves’ soul is torn from him is a thousand times worse than the lack of pain Graves feels as he dies.

When it’s done, the old man rests a hand on Newt’s shoulder. Newt is like a statue beneath his touch, cold and hard in a way he’d never been for Graves. But… he has no reason to feign humanity anymore. He stands, Graves’ empty body cradled bridle style in his arms, and walks away without a word. He fades with each step, his outline going thin and insubstantial until the last wisps of smoke drift away on the breeze.)

(In heaven, the newest arrival marches up to the Big Guy with his fluffy white wings flaring out behind him, and demands to know what he has to do to get himself put down as officially fallen and cast out to hell because did Newt ask before he gave Graves his soul back and got him a ticket up to harps and cloud land? Did he fuck.)

[redwoodpress]

“Babel”

I watched my TV screen weeks ago as state after state bled the color red, foreshadowing a death that would break across not only my TV, but my America. Subtle whispers of profanity escaped my lips the same familiar way they have when tragedy affected my life, as every border dripped into the next, like a color by number sent from hell. The only thought that kept coming back around, “This is America. This is America. This is America.”

So many of you called me to weep into the phone, asking the static silence between us to change the outcome. Your fears were sent to me from other countries. The defeat that landed on your bones you gave to me that night and we tried to carry it together. You ranted, screamed, went silent. We all processed in a myriad of ways. I walked onto my school campus and familiar faces were gone. Protests broke out, everyone split like the Red Sea, and that night I cried myself to sleep because I realized I wasn’t Jesus and I couldn’t hold the weight of your emotions in my hands. I was tired for you. I was tired for me. I was tired.

I told a friend the other day that if the phrase, “God is in control” has become a language that is only used to silence you, I will not say it right now. I won’t erase your pain with empty Christian jargon.

You are mourning, I am too. I am listening. There is nothing but love in my heart for you. Before I say more, know that if I have any internalized racism in my body, I don’t want it. I never did. But we have the choice every day to love or hate each other. This is humanity.

Friends, we were destined to fall. From Genesis to now, we are still falling into some bad dream. Whether it’s Greek mythology or it is literal, whether the world was created in seven days or Charles Darwin’s view on creation wasn’t that far off, whether you kiss the bible or you want it to burn in the hell it speaks of, we are still broken. This is America. This is the world. This is sin. Hate me for bringing God into this conversation. Hate me for talking about sin; but look around, is anything else working? Do people, on an individual basis, suddenly believe you and fall at your feet when you argue? Are we getting anywhere?

I tried to remember as I sat in my astronomy class that this world is a dot in an expansive universe. It’s still spinning, at just the right angles, to keep us alive and well. We have made it through the Depression, two World Wars, the Holocaust. I am not decreasing those events, nor invalidating the present. But we are still here. We have felt deep loss and time has given us just enough to keep growing through and out of the pain. We watched 9/11 as children-we feared that day as something so strong and mighty fell. As dust storms chased after people like a horror film and fires choked them out of life; we wondered if we would ever recover. We are still standing.

But we will never have perfect stability.

Former wars, pointless like Vietnam took innocent lives as it depicted faulty images on our televisions. Media took us in its grimy hands and left us isolated, confused, devastated. Language made blanket statements out of us, human documents that anyone could read and somehow understand, instead of individuals who have been written by complex experiences, loss, love, heartbreak, humiliation, triumph. It became “us” and “them”. Power, privilege, oppression, entitled, injustice, white supremacy, woke-there are a lot of hot words floating around, and not everyone knows what they mean. The words reinforced the borders; pathways to individual people are getting caution taped. Dialogue is broken and conversations are dead-one word out of someone’s mouth is suddenly cause to crucify them, instead of educate.  I hear a tower of Babel; we’re all speaking a language that no one will listen to. The definitions have trapped us all. Enough.

We were told to love our enemies. We were told to bear with one another in love. Anger is good, hate is not. Focus. Fight for people, instead of just fighting.

We will never have perfect stability.

There will always be angry, ignorant, white men in the middle of America who hate African-Americans, the LGBTQA community, women, immigrants, Muslims. There will always be people in those groups who hate those white men back. Social media will always be a faulty platform to write atrocious things to people in anger.

Honestly, we chose to hear what we wanted to hear. We were living in the fear of the question, “Is it this bad? Is America this bad that these are the best candidates?” And then as politics progressed the fear ate us alive and vulnerability gave us no other choice than to believe a lie. That politics was all we had. That media from terrible sources defined us. And we became the borders that Trump talked about. They were both racist, corrupt, aggressive in sexual assault or passive in preventing it, drunk on power, drunk on money, fallen-whether they said it like a badge of honor on national television or did it behind closed doors. They still are. We lived within the walls of corruption before Trump even talked about his damn wall. Before he got elected, we chose hope against all odds in unimaginable filth. And then the nightmare came true and we threw out hope and fell back into filth. Hate. We let a single man get inside our heads and spin us in circles.

It’s a shame, it’s embarrassing and surreal. Because I look at the rest of the world, having been to third world countries, and their generosity is uncanny. They have nothing and their hands are open and they say, “Here. Take it from me. Take the shirt off my back.” Their hands are open for not only us, but for the seemingly improbable truth of hope.

And we are here, screaming our own pride into every facet of communication available, and to be honest, it’s making me sick. The story isn’t about us. Other countries seem to understand this.

We’re all yelling about self-love, and that’s important, but I have more things to do than to just love myself. There are a lot more people who need love, and it’s about time we start doing it.

Fighting for the orphan and the widow isn’t optional. Fighting for immigrants isn’t optional.

We are better than this.

We’ve worshiped fear. We’ve set up an altar and bowed down. One side mentions God and the others say they are privileged and white and don’t understand pain. Another side speaks out about their very real oppression and injustice and the others tell them that it’s not happening. Our experiences are not the same, you’re right. I am not you. But to be honest, I told myself that God was in control because I had nothing else; I was horrified at the state of our country. I didn’t say that God was on the throne to suddenly diminish that systems are still broken and people are still in need. I didn’t say it as a means to turn a blind eye to injustice, and I know many did. I say that God is control because I cling to nothing else, our world is chaotic, and I have nothing left that brings the sweet waters of peace. Maybe that sounds privileged, but it’s what I have right now.

The divide is getting wider, we have to stop it.

We somehow thought we should stack up our pain and struggle next to each other and let them compete. We’re not the same but we have both held hands with fear, and eaten depression for breakfast, and been paralyzed by tragedy. I don’t want to be in this game anymore, and nobody wins when we compare scars. Fear is real, fear is valid. But fear is still just that-fear. It’s easy, it’s natural, it’s a reflex, and it is something we can fight. Whether you are more affected by this election or not, we still have choices to make about the demons that tuck us in at night and how we are going to send them back to hell. We’re in this together, let’s act.

I don’t ask for ignorance. I don’t ask you not to feel, not to cry, not to see darkness, because we have faced a death of sorts. But I urge you, in this time, to look around at the people taking care of one another. I urge you to look back and see the ways people took care of one another in times of war, disaster, tragedy and learn from them. Look at how people love each other and wake up when nightmares become realities. We can do the same-give, share, find peace in calamity. People are reaching out with both arms in places they cannot see light for others doing the same. If we generalize others into groups without families, personalities, capacity for love and loss, capacity for understanding, we become our own boot camps of hatred. If we don’t help each other realize that, we will be alone, aching over an unstable America, asking it to be heaven. This is not heaven.

By the same token: I didn’t go to church for 5 years because I disagreed with a lot of the things the evangelical church was doing, or not doing. I was questioning, and I was frustrated that the church was not doing one of its primary jobs, to seek justice, peace, and love. This is what I proclaimed obstinately and obnoxiously over people who argued their case. I recently just sat in the car with my best friend after our church service. She has been a church-goer her whole life. She is someone who has watched me go in and out of churches most of my adult life, going once and picking it to pieces like a 5 year old at dinner. I consistently found something to be angry about. She told me that day, “I never wanted to argue at you about how church and community was right because I knew you had to come to that conclusion by yourself. I just knew I was always going to be at least your one friend who always went and I would let that speak.” I almost cried because her patience astounded me. She is a loyal friend because she doesn’t try to make me believe her, she’s just there for me, exemplifying what it’s like to live a life pursuing a God who loves all and waits for all.

So my point is, if I’m not around people who are different than me, how does anything change? If she didn’t stick around, I would have never been part of a group that has changed my life and pushed me forward into change and made me a better person. And if someone like me who is frustrated doesn’t stay, then how does the culture there ever change? Turn your frustration into finding solutions. Otherwise it’s for nothing.

We can’t afford not to change.

So I’m still going to sit next to someone who doesn’t agree with me politically. Do you know why? Because if I wait for them, like I know God waits for me, then maybe we can bridge the divide. My silence and cold shoulder only closes all doors between us. And you know what? This waiting doesn’t take any energy out of me, not nearly as much energy as it takes to be angry.

It doesn’t mean I’m not going to fight for justice; it just means I am going to focus on the people who are in need, instead of fighting at the people who are not.

There are times under the sun for everything. Right now, it’s time to grow up, even when the adults or the peers in our lives haven’t, even when mom’s we barely know get on our Facebook to scold us. We live in a time that people our age spend nine hours a day on social media; we can talk all day about change, but we have to live it. And quite frankly, it’s time to disregard the thoughts of people who don’t believe in peace. It’s time to forgive, even when it’s difficult. In the end, a bitter heart is only hurting you.

Don’t burn bridges. Light a flame to lead people out of their shadows. That’s more important.

History does not dictate how we move forward. Be present. Move. There will always be people who live in the past; we get to be the minorities, whites, women, men, LGBTQA community, immigrants, Muslims who don’t. So let’s move the conversation forward, too. Embrace your ancestry, but ask yourselves-who are we? Who do we want to be? That’s the question we have left, let it propel us forward into truth.

We can’t say that “Love trumps hate” and then cut someone out of that, regardless of who they are, no matter how much they piss you off. You have to give them margin to change, because you would want the same. Redemption is a story and it’s rolling, but we’re going to miss it if we don’t wake up. That means pursuing love when it’s difficult and grace when you don’t want to in a culture that tells you to do whatever feels right for you. Unfortunately, that doesn’t really work because whatever feels right for you is often easy, and it means to hate people and stay bitter.

We can’t do anything about the way we grew up, but we can do something for the way the ones after us get to grow up. We are not our ancestors. We don’t have to be our history books. We don’t have to lick our wounds. We are not our Facebook statuses. We are all made of the same stuff, flesh and bone; please recognize that.

Can we work together? I’m so tired of not working together. I’m so tired of division.

The color of my skin does not erase the fact that we are called to forgive each other, just as much as the color of my words don’t erase the oppression you encounter because of your skin color.

We will never have perfect stability.

But stability is stone cold cement, founded by old ideas, like the walls of Jericho.

Like the walls of Trump��s hate.

We are built by truth, love, grace, courage. And we move.

The sound of your voices are bleeding through. Can you hear them?

 P.S. This article doesn’t give you an excuse to suddenly start bashing millennial “snowflakes” and call them lazy, entitled, and stupid. It also doesn’t give you an excuse to bash all white people, all people of color, or the church. If you are, you’ve done a tremendous job in missing the point. And please don’t read one paragraph of something and say you understand all of it.

��˔�