#I like to think I'm relatively affordable tbh.

[foughtbelief]

i know I only have a leetol follower count here BUT! I do have commissions open currently! I'll put some examples here so you know what you're getting into.

I do a lot of things, from Twitch emotes to full paintings! If you're interested, please check out my TOS on my carrd under [faerfindings]!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying I'm not rich?

Wait stop hear me out

So the thing is, my father is wealthy. Or at least he made enough money to have two Ferraris and a boat, which to me are the most useless things because why would u spend that money on this when u could spend it on food or commodities but details

When I was young, any time I asked for money or something, he'd make a huge deal about it. He'd make me feel awful, so awful that I just stopped asking for anything at all, starting from my teenage years to my college years, and I survived entire months, living alone during college, with 50 dollars to get by. For groceries and bills. And yes, he was nice enough to pay for my rent (170 dollars back then) but every time I'd be the worst piece of garbage for asking him. Worst thing was, I wanted a job, but he had this delusion that any sort of job that would take me, basically customer service, i wanted was "underneath my daughter" so he legit didn't let me and he'd go to big, big hoops to not allow me to do so

I'd never buy clothes or other necessities: I spent my teenage years just putting together what I got from relatives to make some savings, and I'd survive on that. He'd go splendid on my birthday and christmas, I guess, he'd buy me things, but I came to dread those days because the thought of him spending money -and how he reacted to it- always sent me into a blind panic so yes even though I got nice gifts I was never happy about it and I really really don't like my birthday

So I was always the girl who had two Ferraris to my friends, and they'd always get mad at me when I honestly told them "actually Im not rich" or "I'm sorry I'd rather go to the cheaper place" - because I legit thought i wasn't - and called me an asshole. But This was my father's money and I lived with him, but I rarely saw an actual dollar, everything I bought was with my savings and I spent years and years accumulating it, hoarding it. So I lived in this fancy house, but I'd wear 3 dollar pants and worn shoes because that's what I could afford with my money.

Note that even paying my school fees was a nightmare to me, because my father openly said I was a parasite and screamed at me but whATEVER

So um, my friends always said i was an ass for saying I didn't have any money, when my father was swimming in it. But when u survive on the allowance ur aunt gave u for an entire month, u really don't feel like it? and I always always felt so bad about it, because it felt like they were right and I was an asshole for pretending I don't have money. Except I didn't. I really didn't. That was all his, not mine, and while he did pay school and college flat rent, he was always making sure I knew what a burden I was for it. So yes, I'd still say I was actually not rich - even though I was lucky enough to have someone pay for me.

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that, when it's not mine and I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

Note: I am a grown adult now, I live on my own, pay my own things and have my job. And he's happy that he doesn't have to pay for me anymore, is baffled by my relationship with money (I don't like spending it ahah), not so much about me not living with him though. (The weird thing is he wants me with him, but not to take care of me which, honestly, valid) I do have a better relationship with him, but we never talk money because I live on minimum wage - ironically enough in costumer service - and he doesn't, so to me spending 60 on groceries is a lot (150 bills destroy me honestly, so winter is a joy) and he always, always mocks me for it. It's weird how he goes around with a Rolex and snuffs me for wearing Primark pants and then people constantly just... Think I have money at all and get mad at me when I say I don't

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that if it's not mine, if I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

[dxmedstudent]

I haven't been on Tumblr in a while but wanted to check how you're doing! How is married life treating you and how is work- I remember last time you were applying for GP training! I'm just coming to the end of F1 :)

Me neither, Anon! Honestly? I have been meaning to come back to Tumblr a while ago, but life has been busy! I had tried to spend less time on socual media so i could focus on my membership exams, and that went too well.

Time flies, I can't believe it's been more than 10 years since I joined tumblr or graduated from med school.

I can't remember which updates I've already shared, so I'll make a list.

Married life is great - pretty similar to pre-married life. Because we started off in different cities due to my training and covid, it's honestly just a joy to live together and be able to hang out. I've been meaning to post a couple of anonymised wedding photos. It still feels amazing that we managed to get all the people we love together. We also managed to fly out to my birth country so that DxDude could meet my relatives...most of whom don't speak English. It was hilarious and lovely and he took being mobbed by an army of Eastern European Babushkas very well.

We adopted a cat! His owner died suddenly and my parents sort of got left with the cat. It was at a difficult time, as it was around the time my beloved cat passed away last year. I still miss her. But I couldn't let someone's baby, a lovely senior cat, live out his last days in a shelter. He's a little 14ish year old man called Sherlock. He loves being held and sitting on my shoulders and he drools when he gets excited. We've been trying to discourage his habit of nipping you when he wants something.

My houseplants and balcony plants may be slowly getting out of control, but I'm happy I have lots of them, and i would have more if we weren't running out of space. I'm currently waging a war against mealybugs. Send thoughts and prayers.

I did get into GP training! And it was local to where I wanted to be, which made it much easier to finally move in together. In fact, I JUST finished GP training a couple of weeks ago and am now living my GP dreams working in one of the practices that I trained in. It's very inner city London. Our patients have complex needs, and I'm honoured to ve in a team that have a lot of experience serving patients affected by substance abuse, homelessness and refugee populations and other complex issues.

We went on Honeymoon to Japan! It was amazing, and I'd still love to go again. I was bold enough to arrange my Honeymoon to be barely a month before a postgraduate exam, but I passed!

This past academic year has been filled with sitting exams and jumping through the hoops required for my eportfolio. On top of working full time as a GP. I didn't think I would do it all first time TBH, but my supervisor had more faith in me than I did. It's honestly been amazing to work for a few jobs in GP training where I felt seen and wanted and where my hard work was appreciated. I can't believe my supervisor offered me my current job, and wanted me to stay on, but they did!

I finished a diploma in sexual and reproductive health and trained in fitting contraceptive implants. I'd like to train up to fit IUDs also to try to improve local access to sexual health services.

I went on strike these past couple of years, when the junior doctors went on strike again. I'm still processing the pay offer and the new government. But I'm relieved we're no loner under the Tories.

We'd like to move house, but we've not gotten around to trying to do this seriously, because my life was already stressful enough. We do need more space, and I hope we'll find somewhere modestly nice that we can afford.

We're trying for kids, and it's sadly taking much longer than we hoped. Being a patient is...a slow and frustrating experience because it already feels like I've had to work harder than I should to advocate for appropriate care. I could say a LOT about the postcode lotteries that come with UK fertility care but I'll leave that for another post.

I've finally accepted that my hair is wavy, and I'm trying out different products to lean into the natural waves and bring them out without leaving it a frizzy Hermione-esque mess. It spent tge past years mostly in a plait or cadet bun, but I'm finally giving my hair a bit more freedom. I have NOT yet accepted that my hair is mostly white at this point. I alternate between wanting to go grey (because that would look cool) and wanting to stay brown because that's kind of how I've imagined myself for the past 35+ years.

I finally get to indulge in painting my nails. I've loved it since I was like 13 and seeing my nails sparkly and colorful brings out my inner 13 year old and she is thrilled. Every time I make my nails glow in the dark, I show them off to DxDude before bed.

My laptop died and then I inherited an old laptop from my parents which is also dying. Which is part of the reason I haven't created much art in recent years. I should probably just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but my exams and diplomas have been expensive so I've been putting it off. To be fair I also made the decision to use my limited free time to keep up with friends and family IRL and try not to feel bad about taking a break from creating. I felt like I was blaming myself for not managing to do everything I wanted to do. I've slowly accepted that none of us can do everything.

I think that's it for now. Looking forward to catching up with what medblr are up to 😃

[sl-walker]

hey, i know we haven’t chatted for a while— but I think about you often. you reached out to me while I was at my lowest and really struggling. it meant a lot! it’s thanks to you that I can reach out to people now instead of completely shutting down. I hate that you’re struggling right now. I wish only good things for you.

in terms of “practical solutions”— is it possible to get kiddos/other important relatives to visit more often, either by relocating or by offering to cover travel costs? have you eaten anything today? drank water? Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? sometimes a shower feels nice… the most important thing for me was knowing that bad feelings will pass. it may take a little while— but they’ll pass. wishing you luck riding it out. and maybe plan a specific date when you’ll be able to facetime/chat/visit/do activity with someone you love? <- always helpful for me when i need light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my kids still lives with me (he's 17), and he's a good kid. Also struggles with depression (idk how much is genetic and how much is trauma, tbh). And man, I wish I could travel more? But I lost the job I had -- not my fault, but it's still fucked me up -- so affording to is just hard.

Yes, eaten. Yes, drank. She came over to get the firearm and we did talk a bit (we live in separate spaces for a lot of logistical reasons right now). She gave me the information on her psych office. I have a different doc's appt monday, but I might call them then.

Thank you. <3 It does help to know that like-- I've done any good, you know? Like logically, I know things, I know I'm not some waste of space, but right now I've just been drowning for the past month and a half and it keeps getting worse and today was just too much. Not even because of anything. Just too much.

[bettertwin1]

Hi, old follower here from before you had 100 followers. I've got a semi serious question for you.

When I first followed you, I got the impression that you were a RP blog, in the case where you would RP with your "brother" (bettertwin9000), so I followed the rules as such. But later on it seems that this blog is your persona? In terms of everything said to this blog is a personal question to you? It's a weird situation where people asking those intrusive questions make sense for a RP blog, but in a normal blog situation it makes it intrusive.

Tldr, I think many are confused if this is an RP blog or you having Leo as your persona, so can you confirm what this blog actually is?

OMG HI LONG TIME FOLLOWER!!

And, for the sake of things making a little bit of sense, as much as sense as we can manage, keep in mind that we have OSDD, we're a system-

PUTTING IT UNDER CUT CAUSE IT'S LONG 😅

At the start of the blog <- in which we were advertising it as a roleplay blog, it was being run by our host and partially by me though I had no clue what I was doing at the time and bettertwin9000 was being run by our partner <- (which btw, made for some strange asks)

We continued advertising it as a roleplay even when we began suspecting and having full breakdowns over the idea of being a system due to some little things and some big things and lots of research and therapy and blah blah BUT we kept going back on it cause tbh DID is a hard thing to accept and we didn't want it <- still don't

SO now I was trying to run the blog more all the while trying to keep us grounded, IGNORING the possibility of DID and thinking, nah, this is just a really bad cause of delusions and we NEED to get reality checked NOW.

But I ALREADY KNEW i'm not REALLY Leo from rottmnt, but I am him, I was formed from that guy, created? Idk. He made me in his own image type reference audio. WOW IM NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING 😭😭 did I mention we have a tendency to overexplain <- but specifically for me in the case of explaining things that are hard to explain, ANYWHIZZLE.

We kept going back and forth, confirming and denying the conclusion "we have osdd" cause that's terrifying and while this was happening I was still trying to force us to post and interact and involve ourself in arcs for the sake of distraction from EVERYTHING happening irl and the blog kind of made it worse but in a light hearted way cause suddenly the asks became really gross, and I felt really gross.

Sure, maybe someone who was roleplaying Leonardo would have no trouble answering asks about dead relatives or near death experiences or villains that have physically harmed you and your 'siblings' or about my crippling inability to speak about feelings and whatever else people diagnosed me with on here but I was having trouble answering it, I was getting uncomfortable and I was feeling genuinely overwhelmed because everything that definitely would be great material for a roleplay account was making me just feel, bad. <- which wasn't great considering at the time, feeling bad was not something i could have been affording to do

SO at some point, I started putting boundaries, didn't explain why, just continued under the guise of hey, roleplay guy here, the intruvsive invasive asks about my family and my mental health and my anatomy is making me want to die so please stop andbonly ask fun stuff like idk, if i put salt in donnie's coffee sometimes and everyone was like, yes leonardo in unison.

Then I slowly started getting more adamant on pushing the narrative that I am LITERALLY Leo from the show cause pushing that seemed to really help with the questions, and then the roleplay blog became more like. A personal blog for some dude who happened to be a ninja turtle alter and it'd unfortunately gotten so out of hand that explaining this now kind of made us even more exhausted cause oh man, we might get fake claimed huh <- we had worse things to deal with, internet drama didn't need to be added to this.

Anyway, if you read through all that junk, i'm sorry 😭, but i think it helps explain why the impression of the blog is so confusing cause it was being run by two ppl, a host and an alter who were constantly trying NOT to be those things until pretty recently when we started accepting the fact that we have Osdd

SO TIMELINE.

The blog starts off as an rp blog by our host and I unbeknownst to us both

The blog is fun and we start gaining traction

We also start gaining more mental health problems and have a full breakdown multiple times on many different social medias

We push through to cope

We talk to the other blog runners who are systems <- (Mikey, Raph and at the time when their account was apart of this, April) and they kindly answer and guide us through some things

We start adding boundaries for my sake

We talk to other systems on other social media and they help us with more stuff

We talk to our therapist

We do a ton of research on top of old research we'd apparently already done before <- suddenly we have a long document with so much information

We tell no one about the discovery when we start accepting the possibility

More funny stuff ensue and personal life things happen <- #ONLYTHEREALONESKNOW!

The only announcement I ever make that i'm an alter are one off comments in tags or answers that I never address again until I make an intro post that says I'm an alter in a system

The blog is what now?

The blog is still a roleplay account. Sometimes, canceled arcs that we would have done would have been considered roleplay <- a canceled christmas arc. But usually, this is just a blog. Like, this is just a blog I use to entertain people and to get some of my thoughts out like a singlet would. It's both i guess, it's whatever I want it to be and whatever you guys consider it to be.

The blog is just, my blog, I don't know how else to explain it 😅😅

Also, Bettertwin9000 was pretty much going through the same thing at the time and fun fact, he is actually my "brother" cause he's a Donnie alter <- (yay!)

Shoutout to the host who has their own blogs that they never really post on! couldn't have done it without you! <- and the many kind individuals who gave us their research material and links and answered our questions and stuck w/ us through the most confusing part of OUR LIFE

Srry again if this didn't answer your question like at all by the way, i THINK it at least explained some things but you know 😭 SORRY IDK

[that-left-turn]

But they did pull the ratings with towl l+3 ratings matching those of the series finale (3m) while having the biggest streaming numbers thus far. Considering how AMC is back to their Sunday's main show having 300k live viewers and how instead of directly having repeats of ep4 of towl like they're usually doing they put an episode of DD to surf on towl's success, that says a lot. I love both pair of characters so i don't understand this need of bashing or undermining towl (smelly boots really?), just sounds bitter tbh. Danai/Andy and Richonne have been all over sm during the whole run making people who never watched the show subscribe to see them so I'm pretty sure AMC is figuring out a way to keep them around. At the end of the day one show's success benefit the whole twdu, cause more people decided to watch the other spinoffs after towl

This ask is in response to a parenthetical on my post, but I suppose I could explain my logic. First, though, I want to point out that the driving force of my argument was that all the characters are important and there's room for everybody. I wasn't bashing anyone and I have utmost respect for Danai. I said that Rick's fans who turned up for what they expected to be a rollicking action adventure were disappointed.

Now, to the points in the ask. TOWL had relative success. AMC is doing poorly over all and TOWL performing the strongest out of a bad slate doesn't make for objectively good numbers. The spinoffs are part of the same franchise, on the same network and these are not cheap shows to produce, so the studio needs to see a ROI on all of them. AMC doesn't make money unless curious and casual viewers keep watching the shows and they're positioned differently, so the expected viewership doesn't overlap beyond hardcore TWD fans who watch all the shows. That's a very small group.

It's very common ahead of releasing an important show (to the studio/network's bottom line) to buy engagement. The buzz you see about a show is often staged to create the appearance of success. More people will tune in if they think others are watching it. This is industry standard and not specific to TOWL. If a studio is worried that the numbers won't be strong enough to recoup costs, they will spend quite a bit of money to make it look like something is doing well.

A normal studio—AMC doesn't have the best track record for fiscally responsible decision making—doesn't try to find ways to keep expensive and reluctant actors on board a project that doesn't make money. Reluctant actors mean more money to make them sign. FX is always expensive, but genre shows in the scifi/fantasy space are more so. You have the whole spectrum from physical fabrication to digital effects on a TWDU show. It's a large crew, multiple units and it's a mobile production, i.e. one that shoots on location. Big cost. If live numbers can't get above 1M, the studio is definitely not seeing ROI.

That said, I'm happy Rick and Michonne's story arc got its long awaited closure and that Richonne fans enjoyed the show. (I'm not very romantic so the act of smelling someone's well-used footwear might be lost on me as an expression of love, but I do apologize if anyone with a shoe fetish felt disrespected by my turn of phrase. It was not my intention to offend anybody.) I don't feel bitter at all that fans got to watch a show they had anticipated or that they loved it. All TV shows should be satisfying to their audiences and I hope DC and TBOC provide the same level of joy to their fans.

Studios just have to make sure that the target audience is large enough for a healthy profit margin—that was the point I was getting at in my original post. AMC needs to capitalize on all their talent to grow their market share (which is ridiculously small). They can't afford to alienate potential customers by ignoring half their leads: casual viewers won't know who's in the shows and fans, who buy merchandise and are more inclined to open their wallets, will get offended by the snub of their personal favorite(s). That's bad for business and why there shouldn't be any "big 3" (or 4 or 5) posts made by official social media accounts.

All six lead characters are important for TWDU longevity and AMC's financial health. It's the one IP the studio actually owns, (everything else is under license or spaghetti thrown at the wall). The different characters appeal to their own segments of TWDU's potential audiences, so in any post that promotes the whole franchise, AMC and any relevant production companies can't create tiers or rankings if they want to optimize ROI. It looks unprofessional and it's discourteous to the talent, which shouldn't be the basis of any business relationship. After all, these people are the face of the operation, those who make the studio their money.

Thanks for the ask, anon 💝

[if-only-angels-could-prevail]

Hi! Long-time follower here ig lmao. I'm moving to Chicago next week, any recommendations for stuff (to do/eat/see/go, etc.)?

oh lol this is such a huge question! and it also depends which area you're moving to. ummmm if you like theatre, there's a TON, more than i can keep track of tbh. but if you want something cool and late-night, the neo-futurists is a very Chicago thing to do. i think the two most famous regional theatres in chicago are the goodman and steppenwolf. they both do great work, and they're a good starting point. also shout out to the court theatre, blank theatre company, theatre wit, trap door theatre, a red orchid theatre, and lyric opera. i've adored at least one show from each of these companies (and they all do VERY different work).

in my neighborhood (andersonville), check out the bookstores women and children first, and uncharted books. and if you like thrifting, check out brown elephant. (i'm also addicted to going to tuesday night piano karaoke at elixir in andersonville lol. if you end up going sometime, there's like a 50% chance i'll be there)

the chicago symphony is where i spend most of my evenings these days tbh (the promo code "student" will get you a ticket discount lol)

the art institute is just as good as you've heard. the MCA also rules.

some of my personal favorite live music venues are: SPACE in Evanston, Old Town School of Folk Music, city winery in the loop, and constellation. i like these venues because they have chairs and i'm tired of going to concerts where i'm constantly bumping into twinks with $12 white claws, but also because they program great music at relatively affordable prices.

if you like dancing/nightlife, i like sidetrack, queen on sunday nights at smartbar (amazing djs), a diy queer drag party called boots (they're on instagram), and berlin (berlin is where the cool queers go, and has arguably the best drag in chicago--keep in mind it does get a bit crowded and claustrophobic). (NVM, BERLIN WORKERS JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE ON STRIKE, SO DON’T GO THERE LOL). the drag competition on thursday nights at charlie's is also a fabulous time.

oh and if you like going to movies, you have to check out the gene siskel film center (the best programming in the city), the music box (the COOLEST movie theatre in the city), and facets. be sure to look into the series (serieses?) that these theatres program—they do a lot of fabulous screenings of older movies, and also some great film festivals. i also go to the alamo drafthouse a lot for convenience, even tho they piss me off. but they do sometimes have cool programming.

that's what i got off the top of my head!!! congrats on the move, i love chicago and i hope you do too!!!

[code31-onthedancefloor]

totally agree with your tags on that post about jean. i try to stay out of jean discourse because i have mutuals who say that he’s their fav character, but…i just don’t get it tbh. also yes kimjean makes absolutely no sense to me. i feel like it’s more like playing with dolls than anything else. like if your headcanons deviate from the source material that much, what’s the point? why is it fun?

thank you for your ask! and i agree!

part of it is falling into the trap of 'colouring in the blanks' vis-a-vis harry's memory loss, i think. but as you said - at some nebulous point, you're just making an OC.

my mutuals range from indifferent-to-utter hatred when it comes to jean, so i have no problem writing a few more of my thoughts. this is mainly about the failures of capitalist institutions in general to keep people alive. bit of a sprawling rant under cut:

personally, jean (and the rest of the Precinct 41 cops) struck me as a mouthpiece for one of the clusters of problems that institutions like the police fall into: using 'personal' bias under the guise of 'for the good of the institution/society' to cut off a member/member of the public in need. looking out from the institution's windows, one might liken it to pruning dead flowerheads off a tree. from the outside in, it is tantamount to manslaughter.

that might sound like a large step to make - however, if you think about how it is, in many cases, legal for a landlord to suddenly evict one of their tenants and make them homeless in the middle of winter (for them to go on and die of cold on the street) - what is that, if not manslaughter with extra, authorised steps?

with that, i think what jean is capable of doing in the bad ending... harry, possibly going through withdrawal, disabled, healing from recent GUNSHOT WOUNDS, destitute, mentally ill, suicidal, amnesia-ridden and isolated, is left in the fishing village by jean to fend for himself. not even 'here are your house keys and a few rèal for a train fare. go home, you're fired'. he is just Left There. and there is nothing there for harry. unless he joins the fucking hardie boys or some shit, there's no way he's getting a job again. that's it - harry's dead to us now; which means he is dead, or will be very soon. the only thing that would keep him alive at that point would by the kindness of isobel and lilienne and the other residents of martinaise, which proves my point that the RCM itself is a failed, bigoted institution. when even the hotshot lieutenant double-yefreitor is ejected for being 'more trouble than he's worth' without the disability/pension pay that he honestly rightfully deserves, the place is fucked. jean knows that nothing harry can do or say can prevent this. harry can't afford a fucking lawyer to fight for his case.

as soon as harry purposefully drove him away while imploding in a suicidal mania, that was apparently reason enough for him to 'fuck off'... for him to just sit there doing fuck all while harry wakes up not knowing who he is, gets shot, and actually solves the fucking murder for him. and then jean sees the detritus of harry's many, many attempts at ending his own life, and all he can see is wasted assets; wasted budget; wasted time. and to rub salt in the wound: the only reason he brings Trant along is to 'see if harry's lying'. WHICH. jean KNOWS that harry's had amnesia blackouts before. judit knows that harry's had amnesia blackouts before. jean just wants to see if he can leverage enough over harry to get rid of him for good.

when it comes to jean in particular, i think people can project their own ideas about what he is 'meant to be' onto him. hell, i'm doing it now. but to some people, jean is meant to represent the 'long-suffering addict handler' who has been at the Mercy of the Big Bad Addict, just trying to do his job but inevitably dragged down by him. i don't want to disregard anyone who has tried for years to do damage control with friends and relatives who are addicts - however, i just don't think that the writers intended for this reading of his character. harry, historically, used drugs and alcohol as a method to solve cases more efficiently and probably self-medicate for mental illness and post-polio syndrome. he has a massive caseload which he shouldered for years, grinding his spirit against the murders of revachol. it sounds like he only became a 'non-functional addict' relatively recently (don't quote me on that). and as soon as he starts inevitably imploding, jean - the guy who was basically only playing second fiddle in that caseload - is already right there to kick him onto the street.

because that's what cops view mentally ill addicts as, right? it doesn't matter if they're prestigious in their own goddamn precinct. as soon as they've outlived their usefulness; their cost-effectiveness, they're gone. and That is what jean was there to carry out - in the bad ending. it doesn't matter that jean is clinically depressed. they both can't afford therapy, but only jean can continue working because his mental illness apparently isn't severe enough to the point that he's driving his car into the ocean in a desperate attempt to end his own life. because he is 'functional'.

and the worst part is - they're both miserable! they're both suffering! jean wants to kick harry out because he's sick of dealing with him. what makes jean sitting around the whirling-in-rags in a wig being useless Funny is that HARRY IS DOING HIS JOB FOR HIM! while not even knowing what money is or who he is or where he lives! and then jean can kick him out the RCM and leave him to die for not being 'functional' enough.

now there's more to say about the different endings. how the 'kim *truly* trusts you' check and make or break an ending and the variety of ways in which you can play harry and how your actions 'mid-game' can impact how the world interprets 'pre-amnesia harry'. different shit. you can play harry as a racist, fascist asshole. and as much as i would like for every racist, fascist asshole TO die in a ditch - safety nets such as universal healthcare/basic income & unconditional housing should be there to benefit Everyone. even racist, fascist assholes. otherwise, the point is defeated: like jean the RCM denying harry his past and a stable future because of illness and poverty. jean raging about 'the liberals' and the horrific ableist shit he said in regards to harry's disabilities should have sent alarm bells ringing in the minds of people who want to woobify him. (plus judit's 'well-meaning' infantilisation, and trant's poverty-tourism schtick. ew.)

failure of institutions and different rules for different groups of society based on bigotry aside, jean is ultimately only there for like 5 minutes. if you want an asshole with a mushy core, why not titus? if you want a guy with a lot of 'fill in the blanks' potential, why not goraçy kubrek?

why not tiago? why not mañana? why not ruby? why not lilienne? why not cunoesse? why not the dicemaker? why not the ravers? why not the student communists? why not lizzie? why not cindy? hell, the guy who gives you a slice of salami showed more humanity than jean did in the entire game and the only reason he's there is to give you a slice of salami! why jean?

it's a little detached from what i've said here, but social institutions & contracts and ignoring/bending the law for the purposes of third parties are talked a lot about in this great video by philosphytube!

[basuralindo]

You'll Have Me Rise ch.19 is up!

Content warnings for nongraphic discussion of animal death, relatively graphic arachnophobia, mentions of family death and funerals.

Editing by @kamikazequail

And as always, commentary under the cut

-Yeah Jamil just walked straight into that pickup line completely unaware… Jade's never gonna let him live it down, if anyone ever tells him.

-Jade hides his emotions as well as he wants to when he's prepared, but have you noticed he's totally transparent when caught off guard in canon? I think he'd be more obvious than expected if something he wasn't prepared for made him uncomfortable.

-Yugioh voice: "You've activated Jade's special interest! You must stand by and listen to nature facts for a full hour." 

-Yeah Jade totally picked blue for poison specifically because it's such a universally innocuous color

-Jade: "Yeah I got whosits and whatsits galore" *opens door to reveal a horde of roadkill and mold*. Rizz game like no other

-tbh I just love slime mold and wanted to bring up slime molds because they're so fucking cool <3

-Oh btw, another fun psychology thing: If someone has a lot of stressors that they can't control or afford to be afraid of, the repressed terror can manifest as really intense irrational fears to things that are safer to avoid. For example, Jamil can't do anything about his situation and the risks and pressure involved, but he can absolutely obliterate a bug with very little repercussion. I feel like that phenomenon explains the level of fear he has with bugs in canon tbh.

-I also just really love bugs and didn't want Jamil killing them for character accuracy, so I've inserted Jade as protection. 

-I might go into this more in some other post but like, I love the contrast of classic fishtail mermaids in their reef environments vs deep sea monster mermaids. There's just so much room to build on the potential cultures surrounding that.

-Did I need to go on a tangent about mermaid funerals? Will the details ever be plot relevant? Probably not. But hey, world building. (I'm considering Azul keeping a locket with his stepdad's teeth)

-!!! I've been waiting to drop more info about the tweels parents! Anyway, it's a personal headcanon that the twins' social issues developed in response to being involved in mob violence early on. Too much ugliness to handle as kids, and they both kinda broke in opposite ways. Also kinda ties into their unique magic imo: Floyd being expected to handle himself in a fight and needing a defense, and Jade needing a more efficient way to extract info from people. 

-I could go on a whole ramble about my ideas for the Leech parents, but the short of it is that I think Jade and Floyd each picked up some personality quirks from the parent they were around more, but mostly developed emotional responses to balance out each parent's behavior (ie: reserved, observant, and meticulous in response to unpredictable emotional outbursts, vs emotional instability and exaggerated emotional reactions in response to emotional neglect and under-reactivity), hence the two comparing each other to opposite parents last time it was brought up. It also resulted in them balancing out each other's dispositions, leading to the kinda codependent dynamic they have as adults. I think they'd both feel like they specifically came out wrong as a result too. Like, Floyd believing he should be more pragmatic and levelheaded like Jade (like his mom wanted), and Jade feeling like he's too far gone and distant to connect with other people the way Floyd does.

-Mind games can be a form of foreplay, if you're tedious enough.

-I think Jade and Jamil would have similar ways of showing insecurity, Jamil's just more flexible about it. Jade, meanwhile, has ensured a position where he doesn't have to relinquish control unless he chooses to

-Will these people ever make out with Jamil in a normal location? The world may never know.

[aprillikesthings]

OKay so what I came here to post about is that while ONE trip to another country is just going to that country, now that I've done TWO international trips everyone (including myself) sees me as A Person Who Travels and I keep getting asked where I'm going next

And on the one hand it's a weird question, because both previous trips were just--

Iceland: Icelandair advertised a huge discount on direct flights on my facebook wall and made a thirty-year dream suddenly seem possible

Spain: I saw like an article? somewhere? about the Camino, read one memoir, then suddenly had a new hyperfixation and I proceeded to read fifteen more (barely exaggerated y'all) and watched a bunch of youtube videos and then asked for the time off and started training

So in neither case was it like, "oh where do I want to travel," it was like "the need to go to this specific place is suddenly consuming my life"

But on the other hand, I mean, I'm kinda thinking England a year from now? But those plans are REALLY hazy past like, "lol the British Museum has an Ea Nasir tablet gotta get a selfie with it" and "I hear Durham cathedral is gorgeous" and "Norwich is a short train ride from London and then I can visit sites associated with Julian of Norwich!!--what do you MEAN there's a three-day pilgrimage route to Walsingham??? 👀" (what can I say I'm a sucker for pilgrimages now)

TBH I just want someone else to arrange one of those multi-day bus tours of churches/cathedrals in England but for LGBT+ Anglicans!! Someone get on this!! (Jay Hulme has other things to do or he'd be perfect for it. God knows some of the churches on my list are because of his photos.)

Anyway.

I have to keep reminding myself that Spain is a huge outlier in Europe for being so inexpensive on a daily basis, plus being a pilgrim means my daily costs were literally food/bed in a hostel/a few euro for church donation boxes.

And I get that Iceland is well-known to be on the opposite end of that scale, but it still boggles the mind to compare them (all approximate):

Iceland for eight days

Flight: $500 Guesthouse room: $700 A few bus day tours + Blue Lagoon + bus to and from airport: uhhhh I think like $400 added up? Daily expenses of food/museums/souvenirs for eight days: $50/day on average, so another $400?

Total: $2,000

Spain:

Flight (into Paris, out of Lisbon) + insurance: $800 Daily cost, including hostels, food, souvenirs, sightseeing: averaged about $50 a day for 42 days total, so about $2100 Add another $100 for train/bus tickets (...I think it was more than that)

Total: $3,000

NINE DAYS in Iceland versus FORTY TWO days in (mostly) Spain.

(Okay, this is admittedly ignoring the fact that 1. I had to buy things I didn't already own for my Camino, like a backpacking backpack and a summer weight sleeping bag and TWO pairs of pricey hiking boots; OR 2. that I absolutely spent like $1,000 on physical therapy while training for the trip.)

They are just such wildly different countries. Museums in Iceland were all (US) $15-25. The cathedral's museum in Santiago (where I spent at least as much time as any of the museums in Iceland) was normally €7 but I got a discount for being a pilgrim. I think I paid €4, which is like $4.30.

Anyway none of this is about whether or not England is expensive, but I do assume it's closer to the Iceland end of things.

Especially since it's one thing to stay in hostels the whole time when you're on pilgrimage and everyone else at the hostel is too and everyone is in bed by 10pm because you're all exhausted. (Also because that's when they all lock their doors. No, really.) It's another thing to stay in a hostel in like...London. But the alternatives escalate in cost rather rapidly, especially when you're traveling alone. Oof.

ANYWAY ALSO the fact that I can afford to travel AT ALL is like 90% due to my having cheap-ass rent, no car, no kids, no student loans, and all my healthcare issues being relatively inexpensive. I've worked the same meh-paying job long enough for my hourly wage to double and to have fuck-tons of PTO. I'm 43 and I live in a run-down townhouse with three other adults and most of my furniture is all ten-year-old Ikea and I don't eat at restaurants hardly ever.

Any one part of my life could change and I would never be able to afford to do this kind of shit again.

Which is why I'm doing it now.

[goldensunset]

tbh kh2 is my favorite game in the series and i have complicated feelings about the mobile games but people in the kh fandom who think nothing other than the numbered games should matter are literally so stupid 😭 i thought we left that mindset behind in like. idk. 2015 or something. especially since the whole "but i only have a playstation and i can't afford to buy a million consoles for every game!!" thing has been invalid for ages since the HD remix collections were released. i also always kind of hated calling all the non-numbered games "side games" since... you know... they make up the vast majority of the games. i can't believe it's almost 2024 and there are still people like this on tumblr.

valid and valid. there's having personal preferences and then there's being actually aggressively nasty toward others about the direction the series has clearly been headed for a while. ok but like yeah playstation gamers have no grounds to stand on... every game is available on one console and the rest are on your phone or at least youtube. but like i'm a nintendo switch girlie and am desperately trying to stave off the necessary Big Purchase of a playstation because i don't feel this annoying sense of entitlement for square enix to cater to me. see like i think getting a ps4 at this point would be relatively cheap but i'm betting kh4 will be a ps5 exclusive so like idk. idk what to do. for the time being i'm ignoring the thought of it. i hope kh4 doesn't come out for a long time lowkey bc of it

[bellshazes]

Since Bdubs said he only wants to be an "actor" in this life series as opposed to a "director" as well do you think that will impact how he plays? The director comment made me think of how he likes to craft a story and narrative with his actions in the series, but by not directing this season I'm like stupidly paranoid we wont get any good story. Ofc I know that with it being improv its not like there was much control of narrative to begin with but still. Just curious if you had any thoughts

I expect it to impact how he plays a lot! Whether that leads to different outcomes for him, who knows, but it will absolutely change things.

I'd say improv is defined largely by being in control of the narrative compared to scripted stuff, but that control is collectively owned by the scene participants as it is beijg done. of course recorded and edited improv cede back control of framing to the person doing the editing over their own version of events, going up against everyone else's slices. so we have two axes here: control over action (high degree of agency, collectively owned) and control over framing (degree of agency contingent on footage, individually owned).

bdubs is giving up control over framing in return for what is arguably a higher degree of agency over action than other players - it will at least be qualitatively different. he specifically calls out the external self-imposed pressure to split from the group you're with to keep povs distinct or give space to yourself or another player for the episode and wanting to see what it's like when that's removed; he says he's gonna stay with people the entire time, something no one else can afford to do without significant trade-offs.

most enticingly to me this means he can essentially attach himself to others (and conversely to them, almost has to commit to never being alone which increases risk with boogeymen mechanics) whether they want him to be or not. there will be no compelling metagame reason not to let him, only reasons within the game's own bounds. there is so much potential there for a different playstyle, one that fits bdubs' tendencies extremely well.

bdubs lately has been really pushing his editing/directing capacities, having already very intentionally developed his acting and building skills. but it's experimental and varied rather than stable building up on a foundation like his growing texturing theory. he clearly cares a lot about craft as much as he genuinely enjoys playing the game and it does actually make perfect sense in a time where he's putting out videos for 3 series relatively slowly compared to years prior that he might make an experiment like this. I do not think he's done this without a hypothesis or angle to work, and so I expect him to at least give working the angle his damnedest.

and like... there's never one narrative. imo reconciling mcyt perspectives is sometimes like trying to make every beheading game story fit in the same coherent universe - it's the same story and maybe even contemporaneous but it's not a compatible framework to talk about them in. bdubs point about wanting to work on his "acting" and then self-correcting to "playing a character" is also tbh kind of validating bc the line btwn ccs and the characters they play is not solid. I'm not defined as a while person by the asshole I am playing game of thrones the board game but it's still me in a way a ttrpg character is not, you know? and framing a story out of gameplay is an entirely different third thing, with its own set of implicit demands. I would love to hear more of his reflection during and after this season abt things that he discovers changed for him, even if it was not expressed outwardly.

now I'm just going on abt how interesting I always find bdubs' clear dedication to improving his various crafts and how insane it is that he's so breezy in videos. It makes sense bc he seems to build mountains as a kind of joyful compulsion, but I think his director/editor hat has been chafing lately in a way that doesn't make his videos bad but is like. you can tell, right? it's compounded by how long he was sick etc. and missing the king (+ empires) plot HE helped start but I hope this clarifies or illuminates something for me. and whether or not it does I am excited and optimistic about piecing his whole deal together from povs where he now has free reign like no one else to insinuate himself into folks' business

[hussyknee]

In which I throw myself a pity party.

Once in a while I remember that my anger issues are part of my Complex PTSD and wonder whether that's still a personal failing if it's a mental illness symptom. Like, one of my cardinal beliefs is that your actions due to mental illness may not be your fault but they are your responsibility, and no one owes you more patience and forbearance than they can afford to give. But it's not easy to separate that from "fault". Especially when I'm so goddamn ashamed of it.

I feel like part of taking responsibility would be to go to therapy and work on fixing myself (word choice intentional— I feel like I'm broken and dangerous to other people) except I'm to overwhelmed and depressed and traumatised to figure out how. My last therapist made me so suicidal I had to be hospitalised.

Also like. I'm wondering whether it's worth trying because I never stay fixed. I think I'm stable and then I lose everything I've gained and destroy even more relationships become worse than ever. It's like Sisyphus except if he thought the boulder wouldn't go down all the way this time except it would roll down even further and crush every hope he'd painstakingly built on the way. Attempting to get better just seems like an invitation to go through all that loss and shame afresh. I don't think I've really mourned everything and everyone I've lost already.

My particular neurodivergence works as "out of sight out of mind" and I'm used to going long periods without human interaction anyway because I was isolated and very ill for years, so the missing just sort of fades into the background unless I really think about how much I miss them, which hurts like a motherfucker, so I just don't. So far I've lost all my dreams of a career, most of my closest friends, my marriage, my in-laws I was close to and their children I loved, my dogs (my boy died four years ago and my agoraphobia stops me visiting them at my ex's for months), most of my relatives (long story but I begged them for help and they vanished) and my two cats. Of all those it's the animals I hurt over most tbh. The only two people I knew for certain loved me, my Dad and my mother-in-law, both died, and they feel like old wounds that feel fresh only occasionally. I'm back to having a relationship with my sister since Mum's stroke last year but some days I wonder whether the four years I had gone no contact wasn't better.

I don't know. Caring about things just means losing them to me. Not them dying but losing their love, or them moving out of reach. I think that's why I have an easier time caring for animals. I don't lose their love before they die. They also seem to be the only things I don't destroy myself in some way. For all my self-pity it's me who drove most of my friends away because I didn't know how to handle being loved.

This is pretty maudlin and wallow-y but that's just one more thing I can't seem to help. I think it's just worse rn because I turn thirty-seven in three days. It feels like sliding down a deep, dark well a little more every day, and I don't know how to get out.

[gomzdrawfr]

Hi Gomz! Been so inspired by your art, I'm considering picking up digital drawing again haha. What device and app do you use? What would you recommend if I wanna restart drawing? Would be great if you can answer with doodles :D thanks!

Hello Cumi! Thank you very much for this ask, to think I can inspire other people with my doodles means a lot to me <;3 ((def not cryin rn))

In this ask response, I'll include some links that you can check out for the appropriate stuff! I hope you can understand some things by the end of it :D

Disclaimer: im no professional, so most of this is just based on my experience!!

Okie dokie first off:

What device and app do I use?

I draw using a drawing pad, the Deco Mini7 on my laptop, and I use Krita to draw :3

Krita is free to use! You can download it here, or if you can afford it, clip studio paint is definitely a popular choice out there, some people use adobe too!

I will say it may seem complicated at first BUT it is relatively easy to learn once you get the hang of it, there have a full tutorial on their website with videos included if you wanna know more! digital art apps usually works the same way, once you get the fundamentals you can draw on any app tbh

Or if you do want to start using Krita, then you can send me another ask in the future and I'll share you my tips and tricks (which are honestly pretty scuff HAHA))

Other recommendation if you want to draw on phone/tablet/ipad!

2. I know you didnt ask this, but I wanted to share my experience starting out with digital painting/using the drawing pad for the first time

the thing about digital painting is that there's a lot of features here and they serve to make the process easier, but it can be quite overwhelming when you start off! examples are layers

drawing pad also means getting used to not looking at the pad and the screen at the same time + getting used to the pen, I had a hard time with it but the more I use it, the more i got used to it :D

funnily enough, I actually gotten this drawing pad bcuz I started using lecture notes online through pdf and such xD

3. What would you recommend if I want to restart drawing?

Not really sure what you mean about restarting, but Im assuming like finding a new artstyle or trying out different art medium is it? (like from traditional pencil doodle to stylus pen) but if you mean literally restarting then uhhhh XD I guess you gotto start drawing then haha?

I think my motto when it comes to drawing is that no matter what it is, just do it

"its gonna look bad" its okay bcuz at least I drew it, yk? xD the thing with art is the more you draw, the more you're familiar with it, the less intimidating it will become(tho it can still be scary, but hey! baby steps right?)

perhaps what I would recommend is testing out all kinds of artstyle, ask yourself:

what am I going to draw? ex: I wanna do self potraits! I wanna do silly doodles of my favourite characters!

what style do I wanna do? ex: Chibi, non-chibi, landscapes

Sometimes, you won't know those answers to those questions until later on, which is exciting dont you think? one day I said "im gonna draw Ghost in full gears" then the next I decided "actually nah screw that im gonna make Ghost cute" -w-

didchu know my first few digital doodles were done on OneNote? haha yes! and on my lecture notes nonetheless pfttt (this was around october 2022)

When in doubt, always ALWAYS start small and simple. Draw a circle, draw a blob, anything! Make it manageable :D

You can, of course, challenge yourself and go big! the most important key is you're drawing for yourself :3 and you should do something you're happy with!

well, sometimes there are moments where you wont like what you draw or artblock, when it comes to those time Id recommend taking a break xD

Finding your artstyle is an ever growing journey, I would suggest looking through websites like Artstation or Pinterest and collecting artstyle that you like! then learn from it, replicate it, trace it(AS LONG AS YOU DONT CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN AND YOU DO IT FOR PRACTICE PURPOSES!!!) and study it :3

like heck I just found a new artstyle yesterday literally HAHA so you know, enjoy the fun!

4. Other helpful links and video for starting out digital painting:

Marc Brunet, has a ton of tutorials that are useful! my fav one being this one about face drawing and cell shading

Bluebiscuits, very cute artstyle and the videos are always soothing and calming to watch! they did this video about finding your artstyle which I highly recommend! their face drawing tutorial is also really good :3

I also watch tppo occasionally, his video focuses more on how he study other people's artstyle and then implementing it on his own! If you like art studies you can give it a go, like this one!

practice, practice and practice! things like art takes a while to master and get happy with :) like i said, keep trying and dont forget, all of this is for fun!

have a good day! feel free to ask me anytime if you want if you want some clarification <3

[shrunkupthejams]

hello tumblr, good timezone! a little life update (which was written at 2am? and gets very rambly and long but *shrugs* i tried to break up the walls of text a bit):

1. did i disappear? yes. will i elaborate on that? not really, i don't feel like it. but i will say that once you take a break from social media it is really hard to go back. it's very freeing, and that made me worried about how tumblr would take over the little free time i have if i came back. also hyperfixations are a lot harder to not hyperfixate on when i frequently spend time on here. overall, idk how long i was gone for, but it was a very good, much needed break that was probably great for my brain.

2. idk if i'm back back yet. we shall see. again productivity is doing much better without any tumblr in my system, as much as i do love spending time here.

3. i have read some very inspiring fics lately and am having many writing thoughts! which is great bc i really fell into a slump that i haven't been able to get out of this year like... back in may, or whatever. unfortunately, i have no time between catching up on missing school work from being sick, my job, and fucking moving. so.

4. not very tumblr relevant, but oh my god im fucking moving. again. story of my life basically. it's. fine. just happened really fast and it's weird to process. im officially in moving limbo for the next two weeks. and that sucks. but it's ultimately good for my system, i think, because i was getting restless waiting for the usual regularly scheduled "big change" in my life, and that quota is now being filled and it's relieving.

5. dear lord i don't even want to look in my notifications.. if anyone tagged me in stuff while i was out... im so sorry but it's likely lost in the pile. avoiding my problems on social media is like my specialty, and my notes is currently one of those problems.

6. (if you see me unfollow a bunch of stranger things blogs (hello, i know some of those are mutuals), im sorry but i clogged my dash with st blogs so bad and i cannot afford slipping into that hyperfixation rn. i can't do that to myself. it's not personal or anything. so um. don't mind me haha.. i should really consider the state of my dash before i follow... but alas, i do not. one of the main reasons i typically avoid the hellscape that is instagram! oh and tbh, i knew it was time to come back to this hellsite when i started casually wasting like. an actual amount of time on instagram semi-regularly. that's when yk it's time to go like fuck i do not want to be in a place where i am wasting time on instagram of all places. wasting time on tumblr is at least tasteful. sorry artists of instagram ily but i simply cannot.)

7. ahaha watch me avoid my sideblogs after this (not that's incredibly relevant). i can only involve myself in social media so much rn...

8. more irl news: after, at least of 2022 and then some of saying i need therapy, i'm finally getting therapy! first appointment booked for this wednesday babey :) thank GOD. definitely needed this after discovering that apparently you can have grandfather issues, as if my current parental issues weren't enough.

9. another irrelevant irl update: i got my license! fucking finally! idk if i ever complained about that on here but YEAH. it feels like so much has changed since i was last active on tumblr..

10. as a final bit of news, since this got fucking long im so sorry, im trying out the name kurtis now. seeing how that fits :)

and um yeah that's how my life is going rn. ill try not to go off in the tags about anything, considering the length of this post. sure makes that relatively new dashboard post shortening feature come in handy tho! haha..

[electoons]

I really think moving out of my mom's house and onto my own apartment would do wonders for my mental health and growth but then there's the guilt. I have a mother who has opened her home to me who I *dont* have a horrible relationship with and it's in a relatively safe area (compared to my old place) and there's a yard and all. yet I feel fucking miserable and trapped and there's nooooo reasonnnn for it I feel like I'm being ungrateful. which I'm not bc I am extremely grateful. but even the desire to move elsewhere and live on my own in an apartment I dont technically NEED bc there's a perfectly good house here makes me feel so shitty. even though it's far away from all my friends and anything exciting that could possibly help me. I feel truly dead inside tbh. sorry I lost my train of thought. anyway I can't afford an apartment anyway so it's a moot point lol