#I like to think I'm relatively affordable tbh.

[erodedlight]

i know I only have a leetol follower count here BUT! I do have commissions open currently! I'll put some examples here so you know what you're getting into.

I do a lot of things, from Twitch emotes to full paintings! If you're interested, please check out my TOS on my carrd under [faerfindings]!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for saying I'm not rich?

Wait stop hear me out

So the thing is, my father is wealthy. Or at least he made enough money to have two Ferraris and a boat, which to me are the most useless things because why would u spend that money on this when u could spend it on food or commodities but details

When I was young, any time I asked for money or something, he'd make a huge deal about it. He'd make me feel awful, so awful that I just stopped asking for anything at all, starting from my teenage years to my college years, and I survived entire months, living alone during college, with 50 dollars to get by. For groceries and bills. And yes, he was nice enough to pay for my rent (170 dollars back then) but every time I'd be the worst piece of garbage for asking him. Worst thing was, I wanted a job, but he had this delusion that any sort of job that would take me, basically customer service, i wanted was "underneath my daughter" so he legit didn't let me and he'd go to big, big hoops to not allow me to do so

I'd never buy clothes or other necessities: I spent my teenage years just putting together what I got from relatives to make some savings, and I'd survive on that. He'd go splendid on my birthday and christmas, I guess, he'd buy me things, but I came to dread those days because the thought of him spending money -and how he reacted to it- always sent me into a blind panic so yes even though I got nice gifts I was never happy about it and I really really don't like my birthday

So I was always the girl who had two Ferraris to my friends, and they'd always get mad at me when I honestly told them "actually Im not rich" or "I'm sorry I'd rather go to the cheaper place" - because I legit thought i wasn't - and called me an asshole. But This was my father's money and I lived with him, but I rarely saw an actual dollar, everything I bought was with my savings and I spent years and years accumulating it, hoarding it. So I lived in this fancy house, but I'd wear 3 dollar pants and worn shoes because that's what I could afford with my money.

Note that even paying my school fees was a nightmare to me, because my father openly said I was a parasite and screamed at me but whATEVER

So um, my friends always said i was an ass for saying I didn't have any money, when my father was swimming in it. But when u survive on the allowance ur aunt gave u for an entire month, u really don't feel like it? and I always always felt so bad about it, because it felt like they were right and I was an asshole for pretending I don't have money. Except I didn't. I really didn't. That was all his, not mine, and while he did pay school and college flat rent, he was always making sure I knew what a burden I was for it. So yes, I'd still say I was actually not rich - even though I was lucky enough to have someone pay for me.

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that, when it's not mine and I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

Note: I am a grown adult now, I live on my own, pay my own things and have my job. And he's happy that he doesn't have to pay for me anymore, is baffled by my relationship with money (I don't like spending it ahah), not so much about me not living with him though. (The weird thing is he wants me with him, but not to take care of me which, honestly, valid) I do have a better relationship with him, but we never talk money because I live on minimum wage - ironically enough in costumer service - and he doesn't, so to me spending 60 on groceries is a lot (150 bills destroy me honestly, so winter is a joy) and he always, always mocks me for it. It's weird how he goes around with a Rolex and snuffs me for wearing Primark pants and then people constantly just... Think I have money at all and get mad at me when I say I don't

Anyway yeah AITA for saying I'm not rich? Tbh I really don't know if I can consider myself that if it's not mine, if I've never actually used it, it doesn't feel like it, but some tell me that's my privilege and I guess that could be right

[dxmedstudent]

I haven't been on Tumblr in a while but wanted to check how you're doing! How is married life treating you and how is work- I remember last time you were applying for GP training! I'm just coming to the end of F1 :)

Me neither, Anon! Honestly? I have been meaning to come back to Tumblr a while ago, but life has been busy! I had tried to spend less time on socual media so i could focus on my membership exams, and that went too well.

Time flies, I can't believe it's been more than 10 years since I joined tumblr or graduated from med school.

I can't remember which updates I've already shared, so I'll make a list.

Married life is great - pretty similar to pre-married life. Because we started off in different cities due to my training and covid, it's honestly just a joy to live together and be able to hang out. I've been meaning to post a couple of anonymised wedding photos. It still feels amazing that we managed to get all the people we love together. We also managed to fly out to my birth country so that DxDude could meet my relatives...most of whom don't speak English. It was hilarious and lovely and he took being mobbed by an army of Eastern European Babushkas very well.

We adopted a cat! His owner died suddenly and my parents sort of got left with the cat. It was at a difficult time, as it was around the time my beloved cat passed away last year. I still miss her. But I couldn't let someone's baby, a lovely senior cat, live out his last days in a shelter. He's a little 14ish year old man called Sherlock. He loves being held and sitting on my shoulders and he drools when he gets excited. We've been trying to discourage his habit of nipping you when he wants something.

My houseplants and balcony plants may be slowly getting out of control, but I'm happy I have lots of them, and i would have more if we weren't running out of space. I'm currently waging a war against mealybugs. Send thoughts and prayers.

I did get into GP training! And it was local to where I wanted to be, which made it much easier to finally move in together. In fact, I JUST finished GP training a couple of weeks ago and am now living my GP dreams working in one of the practices that I trained in. It's very inner city London. Our patients have complex needs, and I'm honoured to ve in a team that have a lot of experience serving patients affected by substance abuse, homelessness and refugee populations and other complex issues.

We went on Honeymoon to Japan! It was amazing, and I'd still love to go again. I was bold enough to arrange my Honeymoon to be barely a month before a postgraduate exam, but I passed!

This past academic year has been filled with sitting exams and jumping through the hoops required for my eportfolio. On top of working full time as a GP. I didn't think I would do it all first time TBH, but my supervisor had more faith in me than I did. It's honestly been amazing to work for a few jobs in GP training where I felt seen and wanted and where my hard work was appreciated. I can't believe my supervisor offered me my current job, and wanted me to stay on, but they did!

I finished a diploma in sexual and reproductive health and trained in fitting contraceptive implants. I'd like to train up to fit IUDs also to try to improve local access to sexual health services.

I went on strike these past couple of years, when the junior doctors went on strike again. I'm still processing the pay offer and the new government. But I'm relieved we're no loner under the Tories.

We'd like to move house, but we've not gotten around to trying to do this seriously, because my life was already stressful enough. We do need more space, and I hope we'll find somewhere modestly nice that we can afford.

We're trying for kids, and it's sadly taking much longer than we hoped. Being a patient is...a slow and frustrating experience because it already feels like I've had to work harder than I should to advocate for appropriate care. I could say a LOT about the postcode lotteries that come with UK fertility care but I'll leave that for another post.

I've finally accepted that my hair is wavy, and I'm trying out different products to lean into the natural waves and bring them out without leaving it a frizzy Hermione-esque mess. It spent tge past years mostly in a plait or cadet bun, but I'm finally giving my hair a bit more freedom. I have NOT yet accepted that my hair is mostly white at this point. I alternate between wanting to go grey (because that would look cool) and wanting to stay brown because that's kind of how I've imagined myself for the past 35+ years.

I finally get to indulge in painting my nails. I've loved it since I was like 13 and seeing my nails sparkly and colorful brings out my inner 13 year old and she is thrilled. Every time I make my nails glow in the dark, I show them off to DxDude before bed.

My laptop died and then I inherited an old laptop from my parents which is also dying. Which is part of the reason I haven't created much art in recent years. I should probably just bite the bullet and buy a new one, but my exams and diplomas have been expensive so I've been putting it off. To be fair I also made the decision to use my limited free time to keep up with friends and family IRL and try not to feel bad about taking a break from creating. I felt like I was blaming myself for not managing to do everything I wanted to do. I've slowly accepted that none of us can do everything.

I think that's it for now. Looking forward to catching up with what medblr are up to 😃

[sl-walker]

hey, i know we haven’t chatted for a while— but I think about you often. you reached out to me while I was at my lowest and really struggling. it meant a lot! it’s thanks to you that I can reach out to people now instead of completely shutting down. I hate that you’re struggling right now. I wish only good things for you.

in terms of “practical solutions”— is it possible to get kiddos/other important relatives to visit more often, either by relocating or by offering to cover travel costs? have you eaten anything today? drank water? Have you talked to your wife about your feelings? sometimes a shower feels nice… the most important thing for me was knowing that bad feelings will pass. it may take a little while— but they’ll pass. wishing you luck riding it out. and maybe plan a specific date when you’ll be able to facetime/chat/visit/do activity with someone you love? <- always helpful for me when i need light at the end of the tunnel.

One of my kids still lives with me (he's 17), and he's a good kid. Also struggles with depression (idk how much is genetic and how much is trauma, tbh). And man, I wish I could travel more? But I lost the job I had -- not my fault, but it's still fucked me up -- so affording to is just hard.

Yes, eaten. Yes, drank. She came over to get the firearm and we did talk a bit (we live in separate spaces for a lot of logistical reasons right now). She gave me the information on her psych office. I have a different doc's appt monday, but I might call them then.

Thank you. <3 It does help to know that like-- I've done any good, you know? Like logically, I know things, I know I'm not some waste of space, but right now I've just been drowning for the past month and a half and it keeps getting worse and today was just too much. Not even because of anything. Just too much.

[bettertwin1]

Hi, old follower here from before you had 100 followers. I've got a semi serious question for you.

When I first followed you, I got the impression that you were a RP blog, in the case where you would RP with your "brother" (bettertwin9000), so I followed the rules as such. But later on it seems that this blog is your persona? In terms of everything said to this blog is a personal question to you? It's a weird situation where people asking those intrusive questions make sense for a RP blog, but in a normal blog situation it makes it intrusive.

Tldr, I think many are confused if this is an RP blog or you having Leo as your persona, so can you confirm what this blog actually is?

OMG HI LONG TIME FOLLOWER!!

And, for the sake of things making a little bit of sense, as much as sense as we can manage, keep in mind that we have OSDD, we're a system-

PUTTING IT UNDER CUT CAUSE IT'S LONG 😅

At the start of the blog <- in which we were advertising it as a roleplay blog, it was being run by our host and partially by me though I had no clue what I was doing at the time and bettertwin9000 was being run by our partner <- (which btw, made for some strange asks)

We continued advertising it as a roleplay even when we began suspecting and having full breakdowns over the idea of being a system due to some little things and some big things and lots of research and therapy and blah blah BUT we kept going back on it cause tbh DID is a hard thing to accept and we didn't want it <- still don't

SO now I was trying to run the blog more all the while trying to keep us grounded, IGNORING the possibility of DID and thinking, nah, this is just a really bad cause of delusions and we NEED to get reality checked NOW.

But I ALREADY KNEW i'm not REALLY Leo from rottmnt, but I am him, I was formed from that guy, created? Idk. He made me in his own image type reference audio. WOW IM NOT EXPLAINING ANYTHING 😭😭 did I mention we have a tendency to overexplain <- but specifically for me in the case of explaining things that are hard to explain, ANYWHIZZLE.

We kept going back and forth, confirming and denying the conclusion "we have osdd" cause that's terrifying and while this was happening I was still trying to force us to post and interact and involve ourself in arcs for the sake of distraction from EVERYTHING happening irl and the blog kind of made it worse but in a light hearted way cause suddenly the asks became really gross, and I felt really gross.

Sure, maybe someone who was roleplaying Leonardo would have no trouble answering asks about dead relatives or near death experiences or villains that have physically harmed you and your 'siblings' or about my crippling inability to speak about feelings and whatever else people diagnosed me with on here but I was having trouble answering it, I was getting uncomfortable and I was feeling genuinely overwhelmed because everything that definitely would be great material for a roleplay account was making me just feel, bad. <- which wasn't great considering at the time, feeling bad was not something i could have been affording to do

SO at some point, I started putting boundaries, didn't explain why, just continued under the guise of hey, roleplay guy here, the intruvsive invasive asks about my family and my mental health and my anatomy is making me want to die so please stop andbonly ask fun stuff like idk, if i put salt in donnie's coffee sometimes and everyone was like, yes leonardo in unison.

Then I slowly started getting more adamant on pushing the narrative that I am LITERALLY Leo from the show cause pushing that seemed to really help with the questions, and then the roleplay blog became more like. A personal blog for some dude who happened to be a ninja turtle alter and it'd unfortunately gotten so out of hand that explaining this now kind of made us even more exhausted cause oh man, we might get fake claimed huh <- we had worse things to deal with, internet drama didn't need to be added to this.

Anyway, if you read through all that junk, i'm sorry 😭, but i think it helps explain why the impression of the blog is so confusing cause it was being run by two ppl, a host and an alter who were constantly trying NOT to be those things until pretty recently when we started accepting the fact that we have Osdd

SO TIMELINE.

The blog starts off as an rp blog by our host and I unbeknownst to us both

The blog is fun and we start gaining traction

We also start gaining more mental health problems and have a full breakdown multiple times on many different social medias

We push through to cope

We talk to the other blog runners who are systems <- (Mikey, Raph and at the time when their account was apart of this, April) and they kindly answer and guide us through some things

We start adding boundaries for my sake

We talk to other systems on other social media and they help us with more stuff

We talk to our therapist

We do a ton of research on top of old research we'd apparently already done before <- suddenly we have a long document with so much information

We tell no one about the discovery when we start accepting the possibility

More funny stuff ensue and personal life things happen <- #ONLYTHEREALONESKNOW!

The only announcement I ever make that i'm an alter are one off comments in tags or answers that I never address again until I make an intro post that says I'm an alter in a system

The blog is what now?

The blog is still a roleplay account. Sometimes, canceled arcs that we would have done would have been considered roleplay <- a canceled christmas arc. But usually, this is just a blog. Like, this is just a blog I use to entertain people and to get some of my thoughts out like a singlet would. It's both i guess, it's whatever I want it to be and whatever you guys consider it to be.

The blog is just, my blog, I don't know how else to explain it 😅😅

Also, Bettertwin9000 was pretty much going through the same thing at the time and fun fact, he is actually my "brother" cause he's a Donnie alter <- (yay!)

Shoutout to the host who has their own blogs that they never really post on! couldn't have done it without you! <- and the many kind individuals who gave us their research material and links and answered our questions and stuck w/ us through the most confusing part of OUR LIFE

Srry again if this didn't answer your question like at all by the way, i THINK it at least explained some things but you know 😭 SORRY IDK

[if-only-angels-could-prevail]

Hi! Long-time follower here ig lmao. I'm moving to Chicago next week, any recommendations for stuff (to do/eat/see/go, etc.)?

oh lol this is such a huge question! and it also depends which area you're moving to. ummmm if you like theatre, there's a TON, more than i can keep track of tbh. but if you want something cool and late-night, the neo-futurists is a very Chicago thing to do. i think the two most famous regional theatres in chicago are the goodman and steppenwolf. they both do great work, and they're a good starting point. also shout out to the court theatre, blank theatre company, theatre wit, trap door theatre, a red orchid theatre, and lyric opera. i've adored at least one show from each of these companies (and they all do VERY different work).

in my neighborhood (andersonville), check out the bookstores women and children first, and uncharted books. and if you like thrifting, check out brown elephant. (i'm also addicted to going to tuesday night piano karaoke at elixir in andersonville lol. if you end up going sometime, there's like a 50% chance i'll be there)

the chicago symphony is where i spend most of my evenings these days tbh (the promo code "student" will get you a ticket discount lol)

the art institute is just as good as you've heard. the MCA also rules.

some of my personal favorite live music venues are: SPACE in Evanston, Old Town School of Folk Music, city winery in the loop, and constellation. i like these venues because they have chairs and i'm tired of going to concerts where i'm constantly bumping into twinks with $12 white claws, but also because they program great music at relatively affordable prices.

if you like dancing/nightlife, i like sidetrack, queen on sunday nights at smartbar (amazing djs), a diy queer drag party called boots (they're on instagram), and berlin (berlin is where the cool queers go, and has arguably the best drag in chicago--keep in mind it does get a bit crowded and claustrophobic). (NVM, BERLIN WORKERS JUST ANNOUNCED THEY’RE ON STRIKE, SO DON’T GO THERE LOL). the drag competition on thursday nights at charlie's is also a fabulous time.

oh and if you like going to movies, you have to check out the gene siskel film center (the best programming in the city), the music box (the COOLEST movie theatre in the city), and facets. be sure to look into the series (serieses?) that these theatres program—they do a lot of fabulous screenings of older movies, and also some great film festivals. i also go to the alamo drafthouse a lot for convenience, even tho they piss me off. but they do sometimes have cool programming.

that's what i got off the top of my head!!! congrats on the move, i love chicago and i hope you do too!!!

[aprillikesthings]

OKay so what I came here to post about is that while ONE trip to another country is just going to that country, now that I've done TWO international trips everyone (including myself) sees me as A Person Who Travels and I keep getting asked where I'm going next

And on the one hand it's a weird question, because both previous trips were just--

Iceland: Icelandair advertised a huge discount on direct flights on my facebook wall and made a thirty-year dream suddenly seem possible

Spain: I saw like an article? somewhere? about the Camino, read one memoir, then suddenly had a new hyperfixation and I proceeded to read fifteen more (barely exaggerated y'all) and watched a bunch of youtube videos and then asked for the time off and started training

So in neither case was it like, "oh where do I want to travel," it was like "the need to go to this specific place is suddenly consuming my life"

But on the other hand, I mean, I'm kinda thinking England a year from now? But those plans are REALLY hazy past like, "lol the British Museum has an Ea Nasir tablet gotta get a selfie with it" and "I hear Durham cathedral is gorgeous" and "Norwich is a short train ride from London and then I can visit sites associated with Julian of Norwich!!--what do you MEAN there's a three-day pilgrimage route to Walsingham??? 👀" (what can I say I'm a sucker for pilgrimages now)

TBH I just want someone else to arrange one of those multi-day bus tours of churches/cathedrals in England but for LGBT+ Anglicans!! Someone get on this!! (Jay Hulme has other things to do or he'd be perfect for it. God knows some of the churches on my list are because of his photos.)

Anyway.

I have to keep reminding myself that Spain is a huge outlier in Europe for being so inexpensive on a daily basis, plus being a pilgrim means my daily costs were literally food/bed in a hostel/a few euro for church donation boxes.

And I get that Iceland is well-known to be on the opposite end of that scale, but it still boggles the mind to compare them (all approximate):

Iceland for eight days

Flight: $500 Guesthouse room: $700 A few bus day tours + Blue Lagoon + bus to and from airport: uhhhh I think like $400 added up? Daily expenses of food/museums/souvenirs for eight days: $50/day on average, so another $400?

Total: $2,000

Spain:

Flight (into Paris, out of Lisbon) + insurance: $800 Daily cost, including hostels, food, souvenirs, sightseeing: averaged about $50 a day for 42 days total, so about $2100 Add another $100 for train/bus tickets (...I think it was more than that)

Total: $3,000

NINE DAYS in Iceland versus FORTY TWO days in (mostly) Spain.

(Okay, this is admittedly ignoring the fact that 1. I had to buy things I didn't already own for my Camino, like a backpacking backpack and a summer weight sleeping bag and TWO pairs of pricey hiking boots; OR 2. that I absolutely spent like $1,000 on physical therapy while training for the trip.)

They are just such wildly different countries. Museums in Iceland were all (US) $15-25. The cathedral's museum in Santiago (where I spent at least as much time as any of the museums in Iceland) was normally €7 but I got a discount for being a pilgrim. I think I paid €4, which is like $4.30.

Anyway none of this is about whether or not England is expensive, but I do assume it's closer to the Iceland end of things.

Especially since it's one thing to stay in hostels the whole time when you're on pilgrimage and everyone else at the hostel is too and everyone is in bed by 10pm because you're all exhausted. (Also because that's when they all lock their doors. No, really.) It's another thing to stay in a hostel in like...London. But the alternatives escalate in cost rather rapidly, especially when you're traveling alone. Oof.

ANYWAY ALSO the fact that I can afford to travel AT ALL is like 90% due to my having cheap-ass rent, no car, no kids, no student loans, and all my healthcare issues being relatively inexpensive. I've worked the same meh-paying job long enough for my hourly wage to double and to have fuck-tons of PTO. I'm 43 and I live in a run-down townhouse with three other adults and most of my furniture is all ten-year-old Ikea and I don't eat at restaurants hardly ever.

Any one part of my life could change and I would never be able to afford to do this kind of shit again.

Which is why I'm doing it now.

[chemkitt]

It feels like I started floating when I was like 16 or 17 and tbh I've only floated higher since then. I'm less and less in touch with myself, what I want, what I feel, I never do the things I really want to do or need to do, days blend into each other at an alarming rate. My life was going at 1x speed but now it feels like it's going at 5x speed and it terrifies me. 27 now, 28 in 10 months, which is gonna feel more like 3 months at this rate.

October is almost over already and I've effectively accomplished nothing I've wanted to do. I've pretty much just remained alive, and hurt people I love by being an insecure and obsessive mess.

Tried ADHD meds again for a while, they gave me more energy in general, but made me float higher and feel even less real. Stopped those.

I don't know what I'm trying to say. I ran out of words.

It feels like the only thing I actually care about nowadays is trying to save enough money each month so that I can afford to visit the only people I actually feel close to (who mostly all live on another continent), more often than 1-2 times per year. It's only been 2 months since last time but I already want to cry. thinking about my friends over there being able to see each other every other week while I'm just here alone makes me want to cry all the time. I have no one here. there are a couple relatively local friends I barely talk to and rarely (if ever) see anymore, and no one I feel any closeness to. I desperately crave closeness and physical affection. I think? I don't know.

I just wake up, eat, worry, distract myself, worry, sleep.

idk. there's zero cohesion to this post sorry.

[goldensunset]

tbh kh2 is my favorite game in the series and i have complicated feelings about the mobile games but people in the kh fandom who think nothing other than the numbered games should matter are literally so stupid 😭 i thought we left that mindset behind in like. idk. 2015 or something. especially since the whole "but i only have a playstation and i can't afford to buy a million consoles for every game!!" thing has been invalid for ages since the HD remix collections were released. i also always kind of hated calling all the non-numbered games "side games" since... you know... they make up the vast majority of the games. i can't believe it's almost 2024 and there are still people like this on tumblr.

valid and valid. there's having personal preferences and then there's being actually aggressively nasty toward others about the direction the series has clearly been headed for a while. ok but like yeah playstation gamers have no grounds to stand on... every game is available on one console and the rest are on your phone or at least youtube. but like i'm a nintendo switch girlie and am desperately trying to stave off the necessary Big Purchase of a playstation because i don't feel this annoying sense of entitlement for square enix to cater to me. see like i think getting a ps4 at this point would be relatively cheap but i'm betting kh4 will be a ps5 exclusive so like idk. idk what to do. for the time being i'm ignoring the thought of it. i hope kh4 doesn't come out for a long time lowkey bc of it

[bellshazes]

Since Bdubs said he only wants to be an "actor" in this life series as opposed to a "director" as well do you think that will impact how he plays? The director comment made me think of how he likes to craft a story and narrative with his actions in the series, but by not directing this season I'm like stupidly paranoid we wont get any good story. Ofc I know that with it being improv its not like there was much control of narrative to begin with but still. Just curious if you had any thoughts

I expect it to impact how he plays a lot! Whether that leads to different outcomes for him, who knows, but it will absolutely change things.

I'd say improv is defined largely by being in control of the narrative compared to scripted stuff, but that control is collectively owned by the scene participants as it is beijg done. of course recorded and edited improv cede back control of framing to the person doing the editing over their own version of events, going up against everyone else's slices. so we have two axes here: control over action (high degree of agency, collectively owned) and control over framing (degree of agency contingent on footage, individually owned).

bdubs is giving up control over framing in return for what is arguably a higher degree of agency over action than other players - it will at least be qualitatively different. he specifically calls out the external self-imposed pressure to split from the group you're with to keep povs distinct or give space to yourself or another player for the episode and wanting to see what it's like when that's removed; he says he's gonna stay with people the entire time, something no one else can afford to do without significant trade-offs.

most enticingly to me this means he can essentially attach himself to others (and conversely to them, almost has to commit to never being alone which increases risk with boogeymen mechanics) whether they want him to be or not. there will be no compelling metagame reason not to let him, only reasons within the game's own bounds. there is so much potential there for a different playstyle, one that fits bdubs' tendencies extremely well.

bdubs lately has been really pushing his editing/directing capacities, having already very intentionally developed his acting and building skills. but it's experimental and varied rather than stable building up on a foundation like his growing texturing theory. he clearly cares a lot about craft as much as he genuinely enjoys playing the game and it does actually make perfect sense in a time where he's putting out videos for 3 series relatively slowly compared to years prior that he might make an experiment like this. I do not think he's done this without a hypothesis or angle to work, and so I expect him to at least give working the angle his damnedest.

and like... there's never one narrative. imo reconciling mcyt perspectives is sometimes like trying to make every beheading game story fit in the same coherent universe - it's the same story and maybe even contemporaneous but it's not a compatible framework to talk about them in. bdubs point about wanting to work on his "acting" and then self-correcting to "playing a character" is also tbh kind of validating bc the line btwn ccs and the characters they play is not solid. I'm not defined as a while person by the asshole I am playing game of thrones the board game but it's still me in a way a ttrpg character is not, you know? and framing a story out of gameplay is an entirely different third thing, with its own set of implicit demands. I would love to hear more of his reflection during and after this season abt things that he discovers changed for him, even if it was not expressed outwardly.

now I'm just going on abt how interesting I always find bdubs' clear dedication to improving his various crafts and how insane it is that he's so breezy in videos. It makes sense bc he seems to build mountains as a kind of joyful compulsion, but I think his director/editor hat has been chafing lately in a way that doesn't make his videos bad but is like. you can tell, right? it's compounded by how long he was sick etc. and missing the king (+ empires) plot HE helped start but I hope this clarifies or illuminates something for me. and whether or not it does I am excited and optimistic about piecing his whole deal together from povs where he now has free reign like no one else to insinuate himself into folks' business

[hussyknee]

In which I throw myself a pity party.

Once in a while I remember that my anger issues are part of my Complex PTSD and wonder whether that's still a personal failing if it's a mental illness symptom. Like, one of my cardinal beliefs is that your actions due to mental illness may not be your fault but they are your responsibility, and no one owes you more patience and forbearance than they can afford to give. But it's not easy to separate that from "fault". Especially when I'm so goddamn ashamed of it.

I feel like part of taking responsibility would be to go to therapy and work on fixing myself (word choice intentional— I feel like I'm broken and dangerous to other people) except I'm to overwhelmed and depressed and traumatised to figure out how. My last therapist made me so suicidal I had to be hospitalised.

Also like. I'm wondering whether it's worth trying because I never stay fixed. I think I'm stable and then I lose everything I've gained and destroy even more relationships become worse than ever. It's like Sisyphus except if he thought the boulder wouldn't go down all the way this time except it would roll down even further and crush every hope he'd painstakingly built on the way. Attempting to get better just seems like an invitation to go through all that loss and shame afresh. I don't think I've really mourned everything and everyone I've lost already.

My particular neurodivergence works as "out of sight out of mind" and I'm used to going long periods without human interaction anyway because I was isolated and very ill for years, so the missing just sort of fades into the background unless I really think about how much I miss them, which hurts like a motherfucker, so I just don't. So far I've lost all my dreams of a career, most of my closest friends, my marriage, my in-laws I was close to and their children I loved, my dogs (my boy died four years ago and my agoraphobia stops me visiting them at my ex's for months), most of my relatives (long story but I begged them for help and they vanished) and my two cats. Of all those it's the animals I hurt over most tbh. The only two people I knew for certain loved me, my Dad and my mother-in-law, both died, and they feel like old wounds that feel fresh only occasionally. I'm back to having a relationship with my sister since Mum's stroke last year but some days I wonder whether the four years I had gone no contact wasn't better.

I don't know. Caring about things just means losing them to me. Not them dying but losing their love, or them moving out of reach. I think that's why I have an easier time caring for animals. I don't lose their love before they die. They also seem to be the only things I don't destroy myself in some way. For all my self-pity it's me who drove most of my friends away because I didn't know how to handle being loved.

This is pretty maudlin and wallow-y but that's just one more thing I can't seem to help. I think it's just worse rn because I turn thirty-seven in three days. It feels like sliding down a deep, dark well a little more every day, and I don't know how to get out.

[gomzdrawfr]

Hi Gomz! Been so inspired by your art, I'm considering picking up digital drawing again haha. What device and app do you use? What would you recommend if I wanna restart drawing? Would be great if you can answer with doodles :D thanks!

Hello Cumi! Thank you very much for this ask, to think I can inspire other people with my doodles means a lot to me <;3 ((def not cryin rn))

In this ask response, I'll include some links that you can check out for the appropriate stuff! I hope you can understand some things by the end of it :D

Disclaimer: im no professional, so most of this is just based on my experience!!

Okie dokie first off:

What device and app do I use?

I draw using a drawing pad, the Deco Mini7 on my laptop, and I use Krita to draw :3

Krita is free to use! You can download it here, or if you can afford it, clip studio paint is definitely a popular choice out there, some people use adobe too!

I will say it may seem complicated at first BUT it is relatively easy to learn once you get the hang of it, there have a full tutorial on their website with videos included if you wanna know more! digital art apps usually works the same way, once you get the fundamentals you can draw on any app tbh

Or if you do want to start using Krita, then you can send me another ask in the future and I'll share you my tips and tricks (which are honestly pretty scuff HAHA))

Other recommendation if you want to draw on phone/tablet/ipad!

2. I know you didnt ask this, but I wanted to share my experience starting out with digital painting/using the drawing pad for the first time

the thing about digital painting is that there's a lot of features here and they serve to make the process easier, but it can be quite overwhelming when you start off! examples are layers

drawing pad also means getting used to not looking at the pad and the screen at the same time + getting used to the pen, I had a hard time with it but the more I use it, the more i got used to it :D

funnily enough, I actually gotten this drawing pad bcuz I started using lecture notes online through pdf and such xD

3. What would you recommend if I want to restart drawing?

Not really sure what you mean about restarting, but Im assuming like finding a new artstyle or trying out different art medium is it? (like from traditional pencil doodle to stylus pen) but if you mean literally restarting then uhhhh XD I guess you gotto start drawing then haha?

I think my motto when it comes to drawing is that no matter what it is, just do it

"its gonna look bad" its okay bcuz at least I drew it, yk? xD the thing with art is the more you draw, the more you're familiar with it, the less intimidating it will become(tho it can still be scary, but hey! baby steps right?)

perhaps what I would recommend is testing out all kinds of artstyle, ask yourself:

what am I going to draw? ex: I wanna do self potraits! I wanna do silly doodles of my favourite characters!

what style do I wanna do? ex: Chibi, non-chibi, landscapes

Sometimes, you won't know those answers to those questions until later on, which is exciting dont you think? one day I said "im gonna draw Ghost in full gears" then the next I decided "actually nah screw that im gonna make Ghost cute" -w-

didchu know my first few digital doodles were done on OneNote? haha yes! and on my lecture notes nonetheless pfttt (this was around october 2022)

When in doubt, always ALWAYS start small and simple. Draw a circle, draw a blob, anything! Make it manageable :D

You can, of course, challenge yourself and go big! the most important key is you're drawing for yourself :3 and you should do something you're happy with!

well, sometimes there are moments where you wont like what you draw or artblock, when it comes to those time Id recommend taking a break xD

Finding your artstyle is an ever growing journey, I would suggest looking through websites like Artstation or Pinterest and collecting artstyle that you like! then learn from it, replicate it, trace it(AS LONG AS YOU DONT CLAIM IT AS YOUR OWN AND YOU DO IT FOR PRACTICE PURPOSES!!!) and study it :3

like heck I just found a new artstyle yesterday literally HAHA so you know, enjoy the fun!

4. Other helpful links and video for starting out digital painting:

Marc Brunet, has a ton of tutorials that are useful! my fav one being this one about face drawing and cell shading

Bluebiscuits, very cute artstyle and the videos are always soothing and calming to watch! they did this video about finding your artstyle which I highly recommend! their face drawing tutorial is also really good :3

I also watch tppo occasionally, his video focuses more on how he study other people's artstyle and then implementing it on his own! If you like art studies you can give it a go, like this one!

practice, practice and practice! things like art takes a while to master and get happy with :) like i said, keep trying and dont forget, all of this is for fun!

have a good day! feel free to ask me anytime if you want if you want some clarification <3

[wheelin-after-midnight]

27.

Do you prefer writing with black or blue pen?

I don't have a preference, as long as the pen writes smoothly and has a lot of ink left in it.

Would you prefer to live in the country or the city?

I've lived in the city and didn't do well at all. I couldn't afford it now, even if I wanted to again.

If you could learn a new skill, what would it be?

I would pick guitar back up seriously, and master it this time.

Do you drink your tea or coffee with sugar?

Tea I don't put anything in except honey if I'm sick. Coffee I make at home, I use whatever flavored creamer I have, no added sugar. If I go out for it, then there's sugars in the iced coffee or French vanillas or double doubles I get.

What was your favourite book as a child?

I had so many. The Dear Canada series and the Heartland series were some of them.

Do you prefer baths or showers?

Can only physically take showers. My place has a roll in shower. No tub.

If you could be a mythical creature, which would you choose?

Mermaid! I love swimming and I love the water because I'm weightless in water and just like everyone else when swimming. A lot of people who've never been swimming with me as an adult assume I can't swim or I need lifejackets or assistive devices like floaties, but I don't. I also always wanted red hair the same shade as Ariel. My current shade of red dye is not that, but hopefully I can find it when I finally redo my hair next. It's either gonna be that or pink.

Do you prefer reading paper or electronic books?

Used to be paper. It's audiobooks more often than anything, these days.

What is your favourite item of clothing?

My Whitney Houston sweaters and t-shirts from Etsy! I love them so much. Also any graphic tees with sayings and stuff on them that I've gotten from sellers on there.

Do you like your name? Would you ever change it?

I hate my name, but everybody knows me by it at this point. I wouldn't want to go through the effort of legally changing it and trying to explain that to everyone.

Who is a mentor to you?

There are a lot of people and their work or accomplishments I respect and appreciate, but I wouldn't say I really have a mentor.

Would you ever want to be famous? If so, what for?

I would absolutely never want to be famous for any of my talents or skills. That would ruin me so fast. Ugh.

Are you a restless sleeper?

I can be.

Do you consider yourself a romantic?

100%.

Which element best represents you?

A mix between fire and water.

Who do you want to be closer to?

My mother.

Do you miss someone at the moment?

Always.

Tell us about an early childhood memory.

Pa was a carpenter, and I used to be so sad I couldn't go biking like my brother could because of being disabled. He found out about how upset it made me, likely from Nan, and built me a bike I could pedal with my hands so I could feel like I was normal and do something I always missed out on. Nan painted it purple, with yellow stars. They brought it over to the house and surprised me with it in the summertime. That little purple bike is etched into my memory forever. I can literally see it in my mind's eye typing this out right now.

What is the strangest thing you have eaten?

I'm not really sure, tbh. "strangest" is pretty relative. A lot of people I know think it's weird I dip a lot of things in mayo or use it on hot dogs, but I don't think that's all that strange.

What can you see outside your bedroom window?

I don't have a bedroom window. I can't see anything out of the one window in my place right now, because it's dark.

What are you most thankful for?

Music, my girlfriend, my cat, Brittany.

Do you like spicy food?

I love it, but sometimes it bothers my stomach more than it used to. :(

Have you ever met someone famous?

Yes.

Do you keep a diary or journal?

I did when I was younger. This is basically the closest thing to one now.

Do you prefer to use pen or pencil?

Pen. I don't remember when I last even used a pencil.

What is your star sign?

Pisces.

Do you like your cereal crunchy or soggy?

Somewhere in the middle.

What would you want your legacy to be?

Kindness, compassion, understanding. Making people feel heard and seen and cared for. Someone who still knew how to have fun and laughed a lot in spite of the pain she was in.

Do you like reading? What was the last thing you read?

I'm not as much of a voracious reader as I was before my Nan's death. I usually listen to books now. I've been listening to My Love Story by Tina Turner

How do you show someone you love them?

Tell them. Show up when they need me in whatever ways I can. Be there when they're in trouble or need help. Pick up the phone. Text back. Listen. Physically show them with hugs or physical intimacy if it's a romantic partner. I'm a really physical person if I'm close enough to you.

Do you like ice in your drinks?

It depends on the drinks, but often, yeah.

What are you afraid of?

What my life will be like after I move, something bad happening to Nippy and not being able to save or help her, disability deteriorating my body even further and making my quality of life abysmal.

What is your favourite scent?

Coffee percolating, book pages, lilacs, fresh cut grass, clean laundry. Nippy usually always smells really nice, too, I've noticed.

Do you address older people by their first or last name?

It depends how well I know the person and what their preference is. I often refer to elders as "sir" or "ma'am" if I don't know them very well. Especially if I don't know their last name.

If money was not a factor, how would you live your life?

Much the same as now, just with complete independence, a permanent home, more freedom, and probably a couple more pets.

Do you prefer swimming in pools or in the ocean?

Pools.

What would you do if you found $50 on the ground?

Keep it, if it didn't have any form of identification with it.

Have you ever seen a shooting star? Did you make a wish?

I don't think I have? I don't recall.

What is one thing you would want to teach your children?

The love of a very emotionally present, supportive, involved mother who desperately wanted them and would never not pick up the phone for them.

If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it?

I've talked about the next one I want. For my Nan. I don't feel like explaining it again.

What can you hear right now?

Nippy chasing her spring toy around and dropping it to try to get my attention because she wants me to play fetch with her.

Where do you feel the safest?

I felt the safest talking to my Nan. I don't have that anymore. Nobody knew and loved me like that.

What is one thing you want to overcome/conquer?

Anxiety and dread in relation to moving.

If you could travel back to any era, which would you choose?

I would go back and meet my Nan before she was my Nan. I would have loved to know her as a young woman.

What is your most used emoji?

😘😂 Those two.

What is your favourite season? Why?

Summer. Because I hate cold weather and snow and ice.

How would you spend your ideal day?

In bed with babe having slow, passionate sex, only taking breaks to eat, hydrate, pee, and nap a little.

Describe yourself using one word.

Multifaceted.

What do you regret the most?

Not being able to tell my Nan I'm a lesbian is definitely one thing that bothers me a lot.

[tricotea]

i love yapping about my project planning so here i am. i did knit my first sweater and i'll update about that at some point but rn i just wanna talk plans.....

first one is my good days sweater, completely and 100% inspired by good days by sza one of my fav songs of all time. if i can, i would knit it with wild violet fiber's colorway matcha in whatever base they have enough of and with the matching mohair. tbh i've been looking around at patterns and stuff to decide what pattern i want to follow for this bc i wanna maybe try something new but now that im thinking about it i might just stick with the step by step sweater by florence miller... its what i used to knit my sweater and it's a banger pattern, and like. since it's a construction i already know, i don't feel too crazy about fiddling with gauge and all that and i can just try it on. tbh however. the flaw with this is that i just don't think i would have enough yarn. the main color that i wanna use, the matcha is sold out in almost every base and pretty much gone in the others. like i just don't know if i would have enough yarn. but the design is basically just a regular stockinette sweater with "good days" written on it in colorwork, the color im thinking of is knitpicks stroll in melon and maybe holding it with their mohair in tarragon. although idk about that. it's not gonna happen for a while bc i really don't have that kinda money but maybe once christmas rolls around and i get a few gift cards... lol.

second plan is what i'm calling my iykyk sweater/jacket. originally it was gonna be a sweater but now that i'm thinking about it..... letterman jacket would be so cool. basically so well i'm obsessed with all for the game a book series (check out my reading blog if u wanna know more) and theres this one scene where the mc goes off on another character and it's just kind of iconic. and well i think it would be funny if it was on a sweater. the books about a made up sports team playing a made up sport so i would do it in their school colors white and bright orange. so far i'm leaning towards knitting for olive hokkaido in their merino and one of their whites/creams for consistency. i haven't found any patterns on ravelry that really match what i'm looking for except for one... and it's bottom up. idk how to reverse engineer knits so i might just free ball it from a somewhat similar cardigan and go from there. i think the biggest differences between a regular cardigan and a letterman jacket are the collar, the pockets, and the button band... the pockets would probably be the hardest to figure out... the collar i would just pick up stitches in the certain way i want... and the button band. well idk. i think that should be relatively easy to figure out from yt tutorials. colorwork, i would do the big rant text on the back and maybe honestly im really not sure about this detail but "iykyk" on the front near like the breast pocket area where logos usually go. maybe a little fox paw somewhere. but yeah. it'll be interesting to see if i can actually figure this out. i wish i was somewhere where these yarns were more available so if need be i can just pop over to the store and get more if i run out bc thats some of the biggest hindrances in my executive functioning. i get really nervous about the actual amount of yarn i need and it gives me anxiety if i maybe even have the slightest doubt im not ordering enough. but then also i can't afford to spend that much extra on yarn i realistically dont need lol. oh well. hopefully it will happen someday.

happy knitting !

[electoons]

I really think moving out of my mom's house and onto my own apartment would do wonders for my mental health and growth but then there's the guilt. I have a mother who has opened her home to me who I *dont* have a horrible relationship with and it's in a relatively safe area (compared to my old place) and there's a yard and all. yet I feel fucking miserable and trapped and there's nooooo reasonnnn for it I feel like I'm being ungrateful. which I'm not bc I am extremely grateful. but even the desire to move elsewhere and live on my own in an apartment I dont technically NEED bc there's a perfectly good house here makes me feel so shitty. even though it's far away from all my friends and anything exciting that could possibly help me. I feel truly dead inside tbh. sorry I lost my train of thought. anyway I can't afford an apartment anyway so it's a moot point lol

[aikasjournal]

Journal #9 - Dec 1, 2023

Omg it's December! Where have all the months gone? I have not written anything at all since what August?

August, September, October, November... Four months of going through the motions. There were incredibly rough times this year, especially with Jed and I. Our fights got uglier and uglier by the day. And we were bad fighters to begin with. Even to this day, we are still trying to improve ourselves, to be less reactive and more patient with each other. Ohhh the ugly fights.

I went to a legitimate therapist this year. An expensive therapist, hoping maybe some magic would happen and I would heal myself from sad bad sad bad days. There was just a lot on my plate and I felt mostly lonely and alone through it all.

My number one woe this year was the lack of friendship, female friendship in particular. To go through motherhood with not much to share it with or to talk to on immediately, on-hand, right by my side was probably the hardest thing (aside from Noa's babyhood). Even up to now I'm still mostly by myself. The only regular person I could talk to about motherhood (and know she's not too bored about it) is Mary Ann. Apart from that, people have moved on. It's like if you don't have an office or immediate family nearby, it's just you and your husband. No wonder it put a lot of strain in our marriage.

I always long to have my mama nearby. She's in the States, along with my two sisters. My sister has two young children of her own, Alaiya and Kayson, and I always dream about them being nearby. Oh what fun we'd have, Sundays and holidays spent in chaos with the kids. Alas they're not here and I don't really have any other close relatives I could count on. And as luck would have it, so is Jed's family. They're all in the states.

It seems like I lost the ability (a little bit) to be positive. I have turned into a very negative person this year, which sucked. I always focused on what's wrong and what could go wrong. It was a very unpretty mindset.

I think it started to get a little bit better when Noa began to sleep through the night and I finally had the chance to stretch my sleep to more than 3 hours. Gosh that's also one more thing that made me so miserable. The lack of sleep. Once I was able to afford some shuteye, I began working out again. Very very slowly. Just long walks. And then back to my yoga routine. Very slowly. Very deliberately.

These days, Noa is incredibly talkative, though we hardly understand what she says. But she does mimic us when we ask her to say some words, and best of all we have heard her say real words like daddy, mama, baby, bubbles, elmo, byebye, and well, pepe lol.

I'm still a tad overweight and scared to know what my cholesterol levels are. I have failed to read any book at all this year. I'm still exhausted at night time most days.

Still I'm very grateful to be here, to witness Noa's development, to love her, to be with her. I should do the same for Jed, as we are both tired and exhausted and needing extra compassion and love tbh.

We'll celebrate our anniversary soon on the 8th (also Sam's birthday).

As always I pray for good health for me and my loved ones. To be healthy, safe, alive, and living the best life we could.

Ohhh I forgot, we are in the process of moving to Jed's house in Novaliches next year. We're currently renovating the house courtesy of his parents. It's something to look forward to. :)