#I like living as myself
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growling at my boobs in the mirror to encourage them to grow bigger
#I feel really masculine in a great way right now. like. hashtag let women be men or whatever idk#I really love when I feel like both. I guess genderfluid but not as a toggle between man and woman but a sliding scale of combinations of it#I really love when I'm both. I hate being girly and I hate being overly feminine but I also hate being a cis guy. I need genderqueerness#and people still get so confused. I had an older couple literally argue amongst themselves about my gender.#the husband said sir and the wife said “no honey she's a ma'am” and honestly that made my fucking day it felt so great.#especially since being on hrt I get a lot more women gendering me female. men are easy to work with. they see long hair and go awooga#when I get called miss and ma'am by a woman it means I'm winning the gender game#but I like being both. I like getting both. I like that my coworkers switch between she/he on different days.#I like living as myself
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the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again
#yeehaw#1k#5k#10k#posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours?#also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that!#unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference#edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense#also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags#1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now#he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic#2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign#like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock#3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing#it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is#extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once#it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life#i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about#Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect#if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it#aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week
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can you believe that we have fanfiction. that we have websites dedicated to fanfiction. that there is a place that you can go and read tens, hundreds, thousands and thousands of pieces of writing that strangers have made. people who are not "writers". people who come home at the end of the day and have feelings and say, i am going to put that into words. i am going to share those words. short, long, sweet, sad, horny, funny, wonderful words. we are all just human and we all love to make and remake and share that with others. can you believe that.
#ao3#archive of our own#fanfiction#sometimes i can't even believe how much i myself have written. like i think i am not a writer. i am not doing enough. i do not write enough#and i look back and i have 34 (34!!) works on ao3 and reams of unpublished work on my computer and so long left to live. so i think#we will be okay.#writing
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couldnt draw my thang for mid-autumn so treated myself to a calne redesign instead
#calne ca#hatsune miku#VOCALOID#cw: body horror#<- And I Fucking Mean That We Are Not Fucking Around Today#well we are. as in I drew this as a fuckaround treat for myself#but the body horror tag is the most warranted its ever been on this blog#ask to tag#I am as ever on my journey to make calne ca Worse. her OG version is too cool. even the crab ver is too cool#I need her to be worse to look at. I am also getting myself into to mood to test my hand at boarding a pmv for my friend's cover#I think my thought for this was ''I should try and give her a more insectoid bodyplan''#which in this mostly means gently three-part body and six limbs (my favourite amount of limbs to draw rn)#actually almost gave her eight but didnt like how that silhouette came out so I mermaided her uh. abdomen I guess#though maybe next time I do this I should push that idea more. the head and torso are still very distinct for one unified part#I feel like one of my old attempts was onto something with like. a more horizontal body plan... well! live and learn etc#happy late mid autumn I guess. I should play with touys about it... I miss model kits. mayhaps...
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every time I say “starting nooooow I won’t have any major expenses” something HAPPENS! there’s raw sewage backing up from my drains, and apparently the plumbers will need to break the floor and the wall to get to the pipes and fix it.
if the cat stuff hadn’t wiped out my bank account, this would be annoying but manageable. as it is…..I’m going to try to get everything up in the store for Friday.
#it’s hard because I’m trying not to push myself too hard with mono#the nerve damage stuff is scary#so I’m doing my best to have a zen attitude about all these goings on#but like another surprise 3.5k expense?? how is anyone supposed to live in this world?#there will reach a point where I’m forced to sell this house.#because I don’t know how much longer I can do this all#sorry to be nothing but complaints recently. but things have been hard!
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One of the perks of living in Gotham is that occasionally you’ll walk past a Wayne having the most batshit insane conversation anybody has ever had.
Walk past Dick Grayson on the street and hear him say into his phone, “I don’t think he’s anti-vax, but Superman is definitely not vaccinated.”
Stand outside of the downtown WE building and see Tim Drake walk out with his tall friend only to pause and say, “Hold on, I just got the mental image of Lex Luthor pregnant. Thanks for that.”
A lucky few who ride the same subway line as the newest Wayne edition, overheard Duke tell Stephanie that living in Wayne Manor is, “Alright, but when I moved in Jason and Damian gave me a knife and said I had to kill Tim. Said it was tradition.”
“It kinda is. Did you do it?”
“No!” Duke says, to the relief of the overhearers. “Get this…he stabbed himself.”
“…yeah, I should’ve guessed that.”
The downside to living in Gotham is literally everything else.
#the second best thing about living in Gotham is overheating the robins have the most batshit insane convo you’ve ever heard#overhearing*#Duke showed up at Wayne Manor was given a knife and when he told Tim about it#Tim took the knife and stabbed him self (a little) and then shouted to Bruce that Duke stabbed him#because and I quote ‘they won’t leave you alone until you do it’#Duke was just like: WTF am I getting myself into here#batfam#Gotham#dick Grayson#Tim drake#Duke Thomas
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I read too many stories of "women" throughout history who lived as men and wore men's clothing getting beaten and arrested for it, sensationalized in the press as "man-woman," painted as perverts and monsters, put in literal freakshows, and forcibly institutionalized to sit by quietly while non-transmascs loudly and confidently claim that "female masculinity" has never been targeted as much as "male femininity" has. Read some trans and queer history that isn't only about gay men and trans women before you open your mouths about butches and transmascs, or better yet just listen to us about our history and experiences in the first place.
#not to mention the modern day lived experiences of trans men and mascs we are always trying to tell you about#I get laughed at and called a dyke for the way I present but yeah sure non transmasc tumblr user you definitely know my life better than me#I've compiled a reading/re-reading list for myself using material from my trans studies classes & over the next couple weeks#I'll be posting some important bits from them that illustrate some of these situations I've learned about once I have more details#trying not to engage with transandrophobes online but when this rhetoric is coming directly from trans academics it's like :/#transandrophobia#mine
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Like the majority of society I’m obsessed with Nimona
And I rewatched it a million times and one thing always sticks out to me
There are moments when Ambrosius is surrounded by light like a little protective bubble
That keeps him away from the man he loves more than anything
#nimona#nimona 2023#ambrosius goldenloin#ballister boldheart#ballister x ambrosius#goldenheart#he always looks so small in these scenes#like the light is going to swallow him whole#it almost looks like a little kid wearing his parents clothes#like he’ll never live up to the expectations society has placed on him#this man is so lonely for the whole movie#poor baby had to figure out everything by himself#he looks so tired in the second picture#the thing that kills me is in the last scene he tries to leave the bubble#but Bal shoved him back in#bubba looks ethereal throughout the whole movie#this movie man#it kills me slowly#I love it so much#I’m gonna go cry myself to sleep now#people from the rise fandom know I only post angst when I’m sleep deprived
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#feydpaul#paul atreides#feyd rautha harkonnen#chani#timothée chalamet#austin butler#zendaya#dune#dune part 2#duneedit#my edit#filmedit#junkfooddaily#userquel#userkristen#usersavana#usergal#tuserlari#usersmaya#live reaction meme#I swear this is the exact sequence of shots#there was no reason for this scene to be so homoerotic#I know this is an outdated meme but I couldn't help myself#chani's reaction is so funny out of context#she looks like she's about to watch her boyfriend get dicked down in front of god and everyone
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looking for someone on Tatooine
#commander cody#coday#cody day 2224#codywan#tatooine husbands#looking for obi-wan obviously DUH#ARE YOU GUYS READY FOR CODAY????#I've overdone myself and drawn THREE pieces for today like what????#I did not think I'd get them all done but somehow I did#I'll post them all during this day with little gaps in between#cody my beloved#I gotta say#I've never drawn as good looking rocks as I did here#the ones Cody's sitting on like#THEY AREN'T EVEN THAT GOOD but I suck at any type of background shit so I'm so happy they look decent hahaha#I also live for scavenger/ rebel/ hobo -outfit Cody#and also that he still keeps some parts of his armor#just to be able to kick ppl and droids if the need arises ofc#I love Cody so much I'm so ready for today#star wars#my arts
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friend wanted to see my tumblr, and when i told him i can’t show it to him bc it’s basically my personal diary he went “oh so I can’t see it but a bunch of strangers on tumblr can??” he literally does not get me. no one will get me like the people in my phone get me
#It’s just so different#even though it’s public it still feels secret and safe. i feel comfy sharing a lot more on here than I do in my actual day to day life lol#in my head I’m also just speaking to myself 90% of the time which helps#if a friend off tumblr saw my thoughts I’d feel so weird ab it#esp bc they might get the vagueposting about certain situations and tell mutual friends#no thank u. this is for me. I’m not about to start censoring my thoughts bc someone I know knows my tumblr#u guys literally saw me have LIVE BREAKDOWNS#meanwhile I’ll have the worst fucking day in history and tell no one about it. I’m already cripplingly private but way more so in real life#this is basically a low stress journaling outlet for me. it’s so important for me to maintain the separation#like this is actually my diary & has been so handy for letting out emotions / articulating thoughts / staying on track !!#& I’ve met so many kind people on here who actually get me. which is so hard to find irl bc I’m surrounded by pre-med gunners/overachievers#who are by standard not very good w emotion & can be competitive/judgmental. or at least it’s hard for me to be vulnerable in front of them#and I’m part of that crowd so I reserve my emotions only to a handful of very close friends#it’s nice to hop on here and express negative emotions!! or positive emotions!! just whatever I want and it’s low stress and people get me#I don’t have to worry about judgment or competitiveness etc etc#like everyone on here is so kind & nice & understanding. & just a breath of fresh air from the types I run w. it’s just nice to have this#so idk that’s why I think I’ll always be strict about keeping the worlds separate. it just works#p
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dad seb dad seb dad seb 💕
#I AM ON MY KNEES FOR HIM U DONT UNDERSTAND🧎♀️🧎♀️🧎♀️#GRAHHH I dont even want kids and im giving myself baby fever#also why is the concept of a man coming home from work so attractive like......huh#also im living vicariously through seb by having him bite lewis' cheeks LMAO grrrrr hes like MOCHI#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#sebastian sallow x mc#sebastian sallow x oc#sebastian x mc#choccyart#clora clemons#lewis sallow#celeste sallow#also it doesnt matter how old clora and seb get as adults i will always be drawing them the same LFMAO#we can just chalk it up to wizard age since they live longer#and no matter how old seb gets i will not be drawing him with a beard or anything ever im sorry i like my men like i like my coffee#clean shaven
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“Take my hand” pages 16-18
1 -> 3 - day 4 - swap
#nmweek23#narumitsu#wrightworth#phoenix wright#miles edgeworth#fan art#fan comic#aa#rendevok#says ‘some time later’ bc im laughing at myself and also i said they had been kissing the whole time it took me to get to the next part#hope you liked your 8 month kissing session boys <333#shoutout to edgeworth! i will be laughing at him via phoenix for the entirety of this comic#speaking of living vicariously i am so sorry for the sappy bullshit i put into their mouths but alas. *I* am a big sap!#this was one of those ones i was like ‘WOULD THEY THO oh wait who cares’ can i get a CHEERS BRO?#i’d like to promise that it gets better but. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)#until next time… [tuxedo masks into the night]
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playing around w slightly different hair renders
#my art#jujutsu kaisen#jjk#jjk fanart#jujutsu kaisen fanart#jjk art#yuji itadori#megumi fushiguro#itafushi#fushiita#yuuji#megumi#cries megumi fought tooth n nail..... i refused 2 flip the canvas tho >:(#i vastly prefer drawing him facing right bc fr some reason it makes his hair look better silhouette-wise#so having him face left is alr a Challenge#but also having him slightly look down (difficult angle + changes the silhouette) had me bashing my head in2 th TABLE#same thing happened earlier this month w gardening megu middle pose . i did not learn my lesson#but even worse w this one yuuji's head is blocking th main pointy part tht basically carries the entirety of the shape language#u can imagine my distress i am sure#anyway th render made me a lot happier with it thank god. colours hard carry bless <3333#i didn't plan on making it a full sheet but i needed 2 remind myself that im good at drawing megumi#so i threw in solos of each of them n tried slightly different render flavours#idk how Different all of them look visually but th process fr each ws Very different so i am satisfied#fight aside this ws useful i think! got 2 break out some Clunkier chalks n dust off a few of my smoother blended brushes#think i picked up some things i can keep also !! which ws. u kno. the Goal#tbh every time i do art studies i feel like i am kirby#one time i got called an art ditto by one of my fav artist mutuals when i did a style challenge#SUCH high praise from her it lives in my mind i take it out on days when i feel like trash#it doesnt Sound good when u say u r good at copying but real talk it is such a good skill i am very happy 2 have it in my arsenal
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Cooking up an older Clervie outfit design so I don't have to keep drawing her looking like her child self but Long
#genshin impact#clervie#ngl i have so many thoughts about an older clrv's design but at the same time artistically im not that creative </3#mostly tried to make her look more like a direct contrast to arlecchino's design (which was already present but we ignore that)#cause arle's design is mostly very sharp and angular while i'd imagine clervie's being much more rounded out and softer#like they are the round vs pointy cat meme in human form#the hair was really tricky cause on one hand much like everyone else we dont really keep the same hairstyle our entire lives#butttttt at the same time idk i feel like her long hair flowing down (and her headband) are very recognizable parts of her#so i decided to not change much (also cause i dont trust myself making multiple drastic changes without changing their identity too much)#also halfways through coloring I realized she's kinda giving crucabena outfit wise but we ignore that </3#anyways clervie would def be a support/healer character if actually playable (leaning more towards buffer support imo)#ITS A MASSIVE 50/50 IF SHE WOULD BE A HYDRO OR ANEMO USER but i decided hydro for the time being cause it compliments HOTH's dpses more#aka Arlecchino Lyney and partially Freminet since if i remember correctly he's more physical based but cryo nonetheless#i just really like the idea of Clervie's passive being along the lines of boosting stats/dmg if there's HOTH members present in a team#anyways sorry for the text wall I just really need to be kicked out of the kitchen#i am UNDERCOOKING the food#character design is not my passion </3
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#bpd mood#bpd stuff#bpd things#heartbreak#dark aesthetic#toxic relationship#tw self destructive thoughts#tw depressing stuff#su1c1dal#i'm so mad#i feel stupid#i am so tired#why am i like this#i am alone#im not okay#living with borderline#im sad and lonely#i'm so sick of myself#loosing myself#i am sad#heart been broke so many times#tw self destruction#tw depressing thoughts#bpd feels#bpd problems#actually bpd#trauma#ptsd
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