#I know it's a mess but I am so tired
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Master Dellamorte The Lesser. Umber eyes and all.
#illario dellamorte#veilguard#dragon age the veilguard#dragon age#da: the veilguard#i am so ready to give up on the rendering#just know that he is smiling#tired artist#my art and debut on this account#I dont know why my brain decided to obsess over this mess of a man#datv#dragon age veilguard#please dont Hope for the rest of his face I dont know if I Have the strengh#I say it while starting a new wip while trying to figure out his face and print it on my eyeball#I dont believe in blue eyed Illario#sorry#yes on the full wip his hair are down#dav#crows#antivan crows
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I wish women did not feel so strongly about the fact men, on average, are physically stronger than them. I feel like women have such negative feelings about this that it drives them to ridiculousness. Listen, I get it. I get it, I get it, I get it. The fact men are stronger is frightening. It’s scary to know that if a man decided to physically attack you then you are probably fucked. The USWNT, women who have spent years honing their skills on the field, lost to teenage boys who—when compared to the women—were basically just beginning to develop their talents. I understand how demeaning that can feel to every woman who hears this fact. I can imagine how demeaning it was for the USWNT. I’m sure every woman has been in a situation, playful or threatening, where they have tested their strength against a man and lost miserably. I’ve seen videos where women hit and slapped men with genuine rage and fury and the man barely even flinched. I understand how embarrassing and scary it can be to come to terms with the strength disparity between men and women, but you simply must come to terms with it. Far too many women have taken to pretending that it's not there—this is not a good approach.
Women choose to pretend it's not there because acknowledging that it's there makes them feel inferior. I ask women to remember that this world was built with the ideals of men in mind and to cater to their specific strengths. Men value strength and violence so of course the world is going to seem like those two things are all that’s valued in it. It's no coincidence that many male heroes are physically strong/easily able to cause harm—such as Naruto or John Wick or the Avengers. Of course it feels shitty, as a woman who inhabits this world, to have to acknowledge that your biology generally prevents you from being able to have the ‘can beat anyone in a fight’ type of strength that gets constantly praised.
However, I implore women to consider that men being physically stronger than them is no more of a significant fact than women being able to give birth while men cannot. Women also have biological advantages over men but when was the last time you saw a man calling himself inferior because of them? Imagine if the world was built with female advantages in mind. Imagine a world where the ability to give birth was seen as some sort of pinnacle of human worth. I mean, the ability to give birth is crazy. You are literally creating a whole new life. The female body is capable of providing the necessary tools to bring about a whole new person. Every brain that has thought of something life changing and every hand that has built something new was brought into existence by a woman’s reproductive system. Every single person that has ever so much as breathed was brought to life by a woman, but men never think women are superior for this fact.
Oh, but women couldn’t get pregnant without men, right? No. IVF exists. But even without it, the correct thing to say would be that women cannot get pregnant without sperm. A woman can get artificially inseminated. She never has to go out and find a man to have sex with. Is that not an advantage? Because, I mean, what can a man do if he wants to have a child but no woman is willing to give him one? Hire a surrogate? That comes with a list of complications, is far more intimate than artificial insemination, and is incredibly expensive. How is that not a disadvantage of being male? You may be thinking that you, as a woman, never want to become pregnant, but that is not the point! The point is that it's arbitrary to look at biological advantages as anything other than completely neutral.
Women also survive famine better and live longer than men. Imagine a world where women held this over men’s heads? But we don’t live in that world. In this world, I’m certain a man would say that they die sooner because of being braver, taking more risks, and doing dangerous jobs. However, if it were women putting themselves in danger and dying as a result, men would not be quick to call us brave; they'd call us the opposite. Idiotic. Foolhardy. Too stupid to take the necessary precautions to keep ourselves alive.
It is just so painful to see women lamenting over the physical disparity between men and women. Let it go. Consider being neutral on the subject of biological advantage. Consider that male strength isn't something to pretend doesn't exist and isn’t something that proves women are inferior.
I understand that acknowledging vulnerability is against the survival Instinct—I get it—but come on. How can we let this get to a point where we’re saying it’s okay for males to enter female sports and beat the absolute crap out of/wipe the floor with women? Them being stronger is neutral! It does not mean anything! But it’s fact. Pretending it’s not only serves to put women in a losing position. Pretending it’s not only serves to make women into a laughing stock. Men will gladly collect medals that belong to women—they’ve been doing that forever. If there was no reason for male and female leagues then there wouldn’t be any. You cannot deny your way into something being true. I also wish it were true that the average woman was evenly matched against the average man, but it’s simply not reality. In the same way that it’s not reality that the average woman is taller than the average man.
I am begging women to think neutrally about this topic instead of being in such deep turmoil over it that they open the door for men to walk all over us.
#I'm so tired of the talking point of#'oh you want males and females seperate? You must think women are inferior and men are better'#No that's not what I'm saying#I am simply acknowledging that testosterone is a literal drug that gives men crazy strength#In the same way I don't think adults are superior to children but I acknowledge puberty does crazy things to the body#No I'm not comparing women to children so go away with that mess#I know this piss on the poor website too well to not put that disclaimer
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i love the “i can’t pay the mortgage this month” videos. satoru doesn’t even know what that is, he bought your house in cash, you say the word mortgage and he’s super confused he calls nanami to ask if that’s something he should have for the house—“it’s not like insurance right? i swear we have all that, we even have hurricane insurance because i saw a super scary videos online once nanamin oh my goodness the poor little cats clinging to the roof i almost cried. anyway do we need that?”
#mie.txt#this is also megumi he’s like well. i’m not paying the mortgage either gojo is LMFAOOO#nanami is like ‘sweetheart you never pay the mortgage why would you start now?’ like he’s somewhere between confused#and exasperated bc a part of him suspects you’re messing with him he’s learned to pick up on your pranks#first of all. yuuta barely knows how his own rent gets paid automatic billing is a beautiful thing#yuuji is so sweet about it he’s like well duhhhhhhhhhhh i wouldn’t ever let you pay anyway silly girl! …. absolutely babe of a man#you tell this to izuku while he’s dead tired on his feet after a long day of hero work and he blinks. once. twice.#and then is like ‘but baby… you never pay the mortgage? i would never have you pay the mortgage?’#all his words are very confused and sleepy and like. he wakes up in the middle of the night#and is like ‘hold on. we don’t even have a mortgage babe what were u talking about??’#katsuki is like ‘eh? why would you start doing that now who do you think i am 😐 asking you to pay for that’#💌
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fast sketch for today💓💓
#god these two are so cute will I ever stop drawing them ????#NO😤😤#anyways I am so tired today😭🙏#woke up at 5am & I’ve drank so much coffee!!#I have a lot of work this afternoon so I wanted to take advantage of my morning#deep cleaned/ran errands/walked the goblins#I’m about to exercise and idk why but I decided I’ve been too lazy about things lately#and I’m pushing myself so much with lifting these days I am SO SORE#(but like the good type of sore)#I just want my thighs to be more muscular 😭😭😭😭😭 lots of squats deadlift bulgarians hip thrust etc etc etc#at least I know by next week I will already see the results 🙏🙏 then I’ll be lazy again until they fade 😭#I have never managed to be obsessive about exercise or really enjoy it I just do the bare minimum to stay healthy#and hopefully my body will thank me as I get older#bc my job is so physical that I really need to take care of things or I could really mess things up for the future#tbh I’ve always noticed that tattoo artists always lift a lot🤝🤝#hogwarts legacy#hogwarts legacy fanart#hphl#imelda reyes#poppy sweeting#imelda reyes x poppy sweeting
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DO IT. WRITE THE JOHN X KIERAN FIC AND I WILL READ IT TRUST
ALSO HAPPY NEW YEAR
happy new year to you as well :] !!! i hope it’s filled with fun and love and light !!!!!!!
WAUGH THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT 💔💔 now idk about a full fic but uuhhmmm i can offer you some silly doodles ? hopefully i’ll have the energy to draw/write them for real soon 😭
and of course the 3rd boyfriend
#i’ve been messing around so much with my art lately i fear not only have i gotten worse at it but also it’s now incredibly inconsistent#but i’m having fun !!! so whatever !!!!! eventually it’ll all even out and i’ll be able to stop making straight masterpieces out of midtown#thank you though anon i do greatly appreciate your unwavering encouragement of me 😭💛#it makes me happy that people want content from meeee :] it makes me feel special and a little less insecure abt what i make#i promise i’ll do my best to actually form a coherent thought about their dynamic soon because i truly haven’t been able to imagine how they#would ACTUALLY be yet 😭 i’m so tired lately#The Fog has got me. trust that as soon as it’s released me i will do my utmost to think of Them#i still don’t know what ship name to use for them 💔#i’m using#jovieran#for all three of them because. of course. it just flows so well#but just john and kieran 😭 their ship name options sound so silly#i’m going to settle on#duffston#for now ?#though i may also refer to them as joffy/jorffy because it’s cute to me#dude like they’re all so stupid#jieran#kierston#wait that one is kinda cute#marffy#kiern#maybe one of them will grow on me#i actually am becoming quite fond of kierston so i may stick wit that one … i don’t know please gelp#rdr2#kieran duffy#john marston#javier escuella#hero's yelling at folks again#hero draws sometimes
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when i was 18 years old i was dating a boy who was treating me like a princess. he was absolutely perfect. before i graduated high school he told me he can't wait for me to lose touch with all of my friends so he can have all of me just for himself.
when i was 20 years old i was dating a boy i had a huge crush on back when we were teenagers. he didn't really care about my interests, only about his own. whenever i was feeling down he was telling me that i should be on meds cause i'm fucking crazy.
when i was 21 years old i was dating an older guy. he was smart, intelligent, we had a lot in common. he was trying to change a lot about me tho. he told me once that he will never be able to love me as much as i love him.
when i was 24 years old i was dating a boy i thought i was gonna marry. our relationship was super messy, but i loved him so much. he had huge problems with alcohol. during one of our last fights he told me i should kill myself.
i'm 28 years old and i have trust issues. i'm scared to talk to people, i'm scared to open up to someone cause i already know how it's going to end. and i'm only saying this now because i'm tired of people telling me that i should find myself a boyfriend.
#that's my mom and a bunch of other people#but honestly i don't know#those are just words but they stay with you forever#and the more i think about it the more i realize that i actually am the way i am because of this#i'm just listening to “solo” from the musical octet by dave malloy#and the part “i could be so good at love” just hit me#cause i could be so good at love actually#but it's fucking impossible#times are hard people are fucked up and i am a mess#i don't know#i'm just tired of this shit#i say whatever and whatever that i want*
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whimpering shaking sobbing drops this sniffles runs away
#hermitaday#xbcrafted#artnios#sigh i am too tired rn lemme know if there .s something glaringly missing from alt text or .idk . whatever#at this point im barely one-upping last year but i am to a degree so thats enough ig</3 +messing w filters . ig
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I just have a lot of feelings about the Builder
#idk i used to be a massive people pleaser when i was a kid and ig i still kind of am so i project on her sometimes#getting that aspect of yourself used to hurt somebody you care about can mess you up big time#in ither news sorry im doing so many sketches#im too tired to render most of the time now sadly#dqb2#sketches#doodles#dragon quest builders 2#fbuilder#crea#implied builderoth once more#i know i can view them as both platonic and romantic but my mind slingshots between both#impeccable chemistry tbh despite the builder being mostly mute
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(AC wip) The Savage Price of Piety
it's desmond's deathday and i wrote like. 9,000 more words to this wip (first two parts here) last week and i want to brag about it, so happy deathday you wet bastard (mostly gen but with a surprise rarepair, time travel/reincarnation, found family, william miles’ a+ parenting, accidental subterfuge, desmond goes by miles mostly, inspired by study of flight by @esamastation but with a twist!, only somewhat historically accurate swears by which i mean probably not at all but leonardo had some Opinions alright) have some (three) chronological but scattered bits of scenes
“Oh,” Claudia says as soon as she opens the door, seeing Ezio’s rather wretched expression, “you’ve figured it out, then.”
“You could have told me,” he growls, following her into the entryway and closing the door behind himself.
Claudia scoffs, spinning on heel to lead the way further into the building for the kitchens. “I had one conversation with the boy, brother, I was hardly sure of it myself. Wait,” she halts and points a finger at him accusingly, “how did you figure it out?”
Ezio, quite graciously he thinks, ignores the subtle insult to his intelligence. Sighing, he pushes back his hood before their mother sees him with it on indoors, and runs a hand over his beard. “I had Leonardo visit.”
Claudia’s face slackens, before twisting into a rage that has Ezio stepping away warily.
But she punches the wall instead of her brother, a shouted “Gods damn it!” echoing in the narrow space. Then she spins on her heel and hollers further into the residential part of the bordello, “Mother! We forgot about Leonardo!”
Horrified by his sister and concerned for his mother’s current mental state, Ezio reaches out to put a hand on Claudia’s arm, but he doesn’t get the chance before Maria de' Auditore is shouting right back, “God damn it!”
Grumbling, Claudia stomps down the hall and leaves a very confused Ezio hurrying to follow; she ignores all his pleas for explanation until she’s stomped into the kitchen, where their mother is pouring two very large glasses of wine, with very little water to cut down the potency. She passes one to Claudia silently, and then they both drink, though luckily they aren��t attempting to down it all at once.
“I can’t believe we forgot the Maestro,” their mother mutters to herself as she comes over to kiss Ezio on both cheeks, before shoving the still mostly-full glass into his hands.
“Forgot him for what?” Ezio wants to know, clutching the glass like a mother clutches a babe.
“To test if Miles really is an Auditore.” It’s said so flippantly, like it doesn’t affect Claudia at all, but she also collapses into one of two chairs at the little tea table under the largest window. Their mother takes the other, massaging her forehead and looking like she’s grieving their family all over again.
It occurs to Ezio, as he moves to stand next to the table, that she probably is.
--
“It’s all up to you now, Seventeen.”
Desmond opens his eyes to the dark of the dormitory, faint moonlight cutting over the floor between his bed and Nino’s, and he can’t bring himself to move — even to roll off his arm that is very much still asleep.
Clay still haunts him.
Five hundred fucking years, and his current twenty-four besides, and that fucker still won’t leave him alone. If Desmond were not so familiar with what an actual Bleed feels like, he’d almost think Clay is stuck in his brain the same way as his ancestors. Thank fuck he stopped Bleeding Ezio’s memories and feelings, while still retaining much of the training.
Fuck, time travel is so weird.
Or, reincarnation? He’s not sure of much, but he’s sure he was dead, he’s sure he burned, and he’s sure that though his 15th century mother had affectionately called him [redacted], his name is Desmond Miles.
Or just Miles, he supposes. Sue him, he panicked when Adele first approached him, and the best aliases are ones you know you’ll respond to, right? If only he’d have had the forethought to divorce himself from his... future family’s surname.
It sounds different enough with an Italian accent that it hasn’t caused any problems, yet. Like making him flinch. Or snapping that he hasn’t been a Miles since he was sixteen.
Granted, he still has no idea what he would go by instead. Altaïr and Conner would feel weird, while Sef or Darim are just a bit on the nose, and does he look like an Edward? Malik, maybe. His grandmother here, now, is actually from the Levant, so his skin is certainly dark enough that people wouldn’t be surprised by the name.
Except that feels almost akin to naming himself Leonardo.
--
So instead, Leonardo spends every spare moment with his best friend, sometimes to brainstorm, sometimes to simply be there for him. It’s during one of these visits, he and Ezio once again observing the youngest assassins in the training ring, that he hears Miles laugh for the first time, and it’s as if ice water has been poured directly into his veins.
Oh fuck. Oh Saints, oh Holy Father, oh fuck.
“Leonardo?” Ezio asks quietly, head tilted towards him in concern, but Leonardo ignores him to stumble for the bannister to lean over it and stare down at Miles learning a little jig from Tullio, laughing all the while.
He had only heard it once, truth be told, and it had been Salaí that had caused it, but even three years later, Leonardo remembers the laugh of Rodrigo Borgia’s sinister little shadow.
Below, Miles doesn’t stop smiling, but his golden brown gaze yanks up towards Leonardo as if knowing his thoughts are about him. His eyes narrow, then widen slightly in realisation, and then he winces and looks away, which is all the confirmation Leonardo needs.
Turning around, Leonardo grabs a confused Ezio by the arm and drags him from the training room, ignoring his protests until they find the nearest empty room.
“Leonardo, what—?”
“Romulus.”
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#that last one 👀#the first one is part of my sib's favorite scene so far#middle one is just des being a Mess#crispy writes#also#absolutely do NOT think about the timeline i beg u#i am gay and Tired#savage price#that'll be the tag for all posts about this fic#if i do end up posting more#anyway the other posts are now tagged with it too#not star wars#for those that filter on my blog#title from poor isaac by airborne toxic event!#which was my 2nd most-listened-to song this year#yoinking some tags from the last posts:#this whole fic is based on the trope of time travel des not knowing how to lie for shit and people making assumptions (à la study of flight#except their assumptions turn out to be mostly right#des isn't ezio's kid tho 👀
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i think i mightve talked abt this a bit in my longpost about how insane phi as a character is to me but yknow what i really wanna point out? all the nonary game shit she has to go through happens in really quick succession to her - she doesn't really get a proper "break" in between VLR and ZTD for her mentally. junpei and akane at least have about a year between the two, and sigma has 45 years (not that either of those situations were particularly good either though, looking at how sigma and junpei especially turned out, and sigma spent years WORKING on the AB game, just not participating in it). but for phi? she has a matter of DAYS in between the two. the time sigma spends she spends in cold sleep, so mentally to her, her consciousness goes from the events of VLR's phi end to DCOM almost instantly. dcom only ends up lasting for about 5 days, and even then the prologue states that phi/sigma/akane spent most of it worrying about radical-6 and the future + the flashback with diana shows phi is just so Tired after everything after just that. and then the decision game happens. my point is just that i cannot imagine being in a death game like that (not to mention everyone had radical-6, so she went from a body that Did have it to one that didn't, which i can imagine would probably a pretty weird experience considering one of its symptoms is messing up your perception of time. and also she was on the moon.), spending 5 days like god how did the apocalypse start i can't let it happen this time and then being in Another death game that is much more gruesome and violent. not to mention both of them in a way HAD to happen because of her (2074 nonary game bc it needed to train sigma and phi's SHIFTing abilities to a good enough degree and decision game one of the reasons was to ensure she and delta were born). in summary: i would fucking die at that point if i was phi dealing with that All At Once. in the span of a few days. and with the memories of my + others' deaths. what the fuck
#trevor.txt#zero escape#zero escape phi#phi vlr#vlr spoilers#virtue's last reward#zero time dilemma#ztd#like. not that junpei/akane/sigma Dont also kind of go through it a bit in the space they're given#especially in sigma's case how LONG it is is one of the things that messes him up a bit#but phi gets like. a matter of days mentally#which is insane. what the fuck. i personally could not handle that she is stronger than i am#like i talked abt this in the post where i mentioned how the characters chsange from 999/vlr to ZTD but like!#it makes sense that phi's notably more emotional + doesn't really care if she dies or not. its all kind of Recent#just messes me up thinking about it. especially with the whole “going from a body with radical-6 to a body that doesn't” thing i mentioned#and the flashback with diana !!! Good Lord#who else up being known for being cold and unemotional but having a moment where you're just so tired after everything youve been through#that you allow yourself to be vulnerable in front of someone you don't even know that well#i dont know. im fucked up. does anyone understand this fucks me up a bit#phiposting#<- making a tag for this bc i talk abt her A Lot on here
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RedBull if Checo is for real retiring y'all better give Yuki that seat. This shouldn't even be a hard decision. Let him have a chance y'all got nothing to lose
#f1#formula 1#i am tired of their antics like we all know checo should have been retired so now they're dragging this mess out
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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I hope Jorge keeps the streams up until the next live stream like he did with the last Saga.
I had trouble getting into Epic: The Musical without the visual aid of the animatics as visuals help me absorb the material. I kinda wish he would upload each song with the lyrics and animatics in them instead of just the animatics by themselves without the full song, but maybe that’s just me. I’m an audio and visual gal otherwise I have trouble absorbing information. Besides the streams there’s no current way to watch the musical seamlessly with actual visuals and yet it is called a musical. A medium I’ve kinda expected to have visuals by this point, that was my one big criticism going into this series was “so it’s just songs? And I have to watch the script as I listen to know what’s happening? That’s hard to keep up with.”
Though if this is a consistent change going forward of having the full musical with visuals until the next iteration premiers, then great & honestly my only criticisms are a lack of trans voice actors (seemingly but I could be wrong) and a lack of fat characters in the animatics because Aphrodite was fat in her depictions throughout history in the very least. Which I’m not even sure if this counts as a criticism so much as an observation and something that gives me a bit of pause? Again, not series ruining, but just more an observation I guess?
That being said, I’m super excited for the Vengeance Saga tonight! Probably gonna stay up just to watch it! Sleep be damned I wanna see it as it comes out! 💜
Edit: Okay actually not risking tummy issues by napping and can’t stay awake any longer. If I have tummy issues I couldn’t even watch it as it premieres anyway because I’d be fighting for my life in the bathroom. ANYWAY DON’T GO ATTACKING ANYONE INVOLVED WITH THE PROJECT, I WAS JUST MAKING AN OBSERVATION.
#i haven’t looked into any of the voice actors so my bad if I’m wrong about a lack of trans VAs#I’ll edit the post to reflect that if I am#the lack of fat representation is hopefully just the artists not knowing how to draw fat bodies; hope they learn how#you can enjoy a series and still be critical of it like how we don’t endorse Odysseus’ war crimes but he also shouldn’t yknow stay on#calypso’s island left to die all isolated because that’s messed up so we cheer for him to have a way out#‘oh you’re just trying to find things wrong with-‘ I critically engage with bigger fandoms than this stfu please don’t be annoying#go watch the vengeance saga as it premieres if you can lmao hopefully ai moderation doesn’t nuke the stream this time#we’ll see if I can actually stay awake that long; I’m gonna be SCREWED up on sleep though idk we’ll see#yes I know music and theater are two different things but I’ve come to associate musicals with visuals through the cultural concept of them#so I just think personally the visual performance even if it’s a drawing should be more available like it has with this latest live stream#I’m not as good with details in audio only stuff; magnus pod has been one thing where I’ve been okay with it#but you actually miss important stuff if you don’t have the lyrics and script in front of you with this one#or I miss details anyway; idk different series easier to absorb than others and different formats#anyway I’m more tired than I’d like so guess my thoughts end there#mine#op#epic vengeance saga#epic the musical#epic: the musical#epic: vengeance saga
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im not even sure why i logged onto this account today i just did. hope thats cool. idk if ill be back tomorrow
#ghostly posts#i am like so tired.#uh. ive been falling off the dpth train. the ghosttrolls ideas thing. which is weird cause thats like. me. thats my thing man#never know what to do with any of my projects that i lost steam on#perhaps i keep it but i start over.#its been 6 years. jeeeeeeeeez REALLY SIX YEARS. thats insane bonkers crazytown bananapants#maybe it all just needs a refreshed take ig. maybe i can starte it over and be beter at it this time#gosh i started ghosttrolls. honestly to be frank i started it when i was so run down i didnt know what else to do in my free time#first job. 50+ hr weeks. still responsible for all the mess of four people at home. trying college. alll that stuff. never going anywhere#now ive moved homes likeeee hell. uh. four times? and everything is so different im so different#the type of story i like to read and write has changed. and actually i havent been writing. thats probably part of the problm#okay this is sssuch a ramble sorry#logging off rn#->i get emails when you send an ASK otherwise i might not see whatever. my regular notifs are broken srry. cool. see you
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woke up at 4am feeling the weight of my life crushing me, so I’ve been sitting out in my car for the last couple of hours because I just need. to. be. somewhere else.
#tumblr ate something like this but I think I deserve to shout uselessly into the void#shits rough dawg#I know it’s rough for everyone. I feel shitty even talking about myself. still… compelled to vent… big butts#haven’t really been on here much since it hasn’t really scratched that itch lately & just makes me feel lonelier#it’s cold#saw the Jazzercise studio open across the street. 5am for Jazzercise? wow. early.#and then everyone left an hour and a half later. lights out. everybody gone. weird schedule. I am perplexed.#went down the road and got a soda and I’ve been sitting in my driveway contemplating for the last 2.5 hours#guy at the gas station tried to talk to me but I just half assed a smile and nod and left#even though I know I’d love to just… talk to someone. I suppose it has to be ‘on my terms’ whatever those are#I miss having a therapist. or even just when my little brothers would talk to me. when anyone would. blegh#my insurance is still a mess and I’m about to run out of one of my blood pressure meds this week#maybe I’ll have a stroke. scary to think about. I think about dying a lot but that potential feels too real. just… pop! and I’m done.#I’ll try today to finally push to straighten it out but everything feels daunting#woke up with so much anxiety. about my health. my hearing. no money. my life. had to get out of the house even if it’s just right outside#hate to say it but I need(want) thc. haven’t wanted to spend money on it but I could have really used it this morning#can’t be sad if you can’t feel anything (jokingly but also not. whichever is less sad sounding)#actually treated myself to Dune 2 last week and it was so so good. wish I could go again. but it’s drugs food or movie right now. so…#I know. dumb priority but BIG SCREEN. maybe it’ll hit theaters again for the next awards season hopefully. just a real nice loud experience#anyway… I should go inside. almost 7am. need to take my brothers to school then drive my mom to her daily appointments#I’ve felt so hollow and angry and sad for so long it feels like. I feels so weak and sad and I’m tired of it. I’m so tired.#I’ve been eating about 1 meal a day and sleeping a lot. this is the worst my body has ever been. I feel like I’m just waiting to die.#is this relatable?#just have to look past it. it is nothing. this body is nothing. just enjoy your soda.#gonna look at pictures of butts now#ok gotta go I love you goodbye forever#you can ignore this#text
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#tw vent#ah yes logging back into tumblr to yeet this and then going#i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere i will persevere#i've never felt this much like an alien in my entire fucking life and that's saying something from someone who was excluded in primary#school and has been since (regularly called devil spawn as well isn't it lovely)#i'm sick and tired of this#i never planned to make it past 18 but i did it regardless out of sheer fucking spite and will and wanting it to get better#and here i am six years later and just as miserable#except this time i won't have to spend weeks discreetly hoarding a stash because i never threw it out#and i know that's not the thing to do and that i should continue to press on and all that and believe it will get better but like#at this point i'm not sure if; even if things do get better that i'll even be in a position to appreciate it?#i feel fucking broken and i have been so utterly numb for most of my life#i don't know how to make friends and even less about how to keep them#i've spent my entire life trying to fit in and getting mocked and bullied for being weird#i adapt personality traits of everyone around me for the sake of never risking upsetting anyone or putting myself at chance of ridicule#i don't even know who i am at this point- i don't think i've ever known myself because by the time i became a teen#i was already hurting myself just so i could get some of my frustration out without making a scene or trouble anyone#it took six years for anyone to notice; six fucking years and even then all i was met with was anger#i hate being excluded and i hate being left out and people keep doing it and i keep doing it to myself#because i don't want to be here anymore but i don't want to hurt anyone so i remove myself from social relations so no one will miss me#i feel so fucking alone and it's all my own fault and i'm so scared to do anything about it#how can anyone want to spend time with someone who doesn't even know themselves? i'm a mess i'm sorry i needed to process my thoughts#but i guess i'll persevere#my cat needs me to#tw suicidal ideation#tw self harm
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