#getting that aspect of yourself used to hurt somebody you care about can mess you up big time

[peridoxikal-redux]

I just have a lot of feelings about the Builder

[damnfandomproblems]

Going back to the "Don't abuse your OC" ask from anon, I can honestly say that I cannot agree with that. At all. OC's are used as a form of self expression, to explore aspects of yourself. Yes, you are perfectly okay to abuse your OC. It's a fictional character, so it will not affect it at all. If it makes someone uncomfortable to see that, then they should just avoid users/people who do that, ask them to trigger tag that stuff, something.

OC means "Original character", and that means that that character is yours, you created it, and you can do what you want with it, whether you abuse them for coping, or mess them up, anything like that. You don't need to "hand them over to others who will take better care of it". That ruins the entire purpose of making the OC in the first place. OC's are used for coping, self-expression, self-exploration, and fun. By taking away somebody's right to do those things to their OC, you are taking away their self-expression, taking away a source of joy in their life, possibly taking away one of their most useful ways to cope.

They don't exist. They aren't actually getting hurt, because, ha, there's nothing to be hurt. If you've gotten attached to somebody's OC, and you don't like that they abuse it, block them, ignore them, don't interact with them, and DON'T try and take the character away from them. They are the ones putting in the hard work and effort to create the characters and the relationships and worlds. I mean, I don't see them spending hours or days or weeks trying to fabricate original characters and stories. If you've gotten to be like that about their character, instead of trying to take away all of their hard work, expression, and attachment with the OC, make your own OC. Try and see how it is doing all of that creative stuff before you just take it away from someone and disregard their hard work. But DON'T try and take that away from someone.

[moxfirefly]

Okay okay okay I have something. You are so good at writing tmnt so here it goes. What about... Make up sex? ;) I imagine how there has been a huge fight with their girl. So much so that the turtles thought it would lead to breakup. But the SO returns and it ultimately leads to some angsty action. Of course you can imagine it however you want too! Make up your own reasons if need be!!

As somebody who breathes angst this is truly fun. You didn’t specify a turt lad so I hope you don’t mind me choosing and going from there. Just cause I’m intrigued ima go with my orange boi.

TW: Angst/Feels/Arguments

Rated Explicit (18+ only)

His hands hurt so much. When you ball your fists for too long the tendons tend to protest, the digging of nails into palms stings.

Mikey doesn’t like how loud his head feels right now. He sits against the wall closest to his tv, your scent is surrounding him and it only serves to make him more frustrated and gutted. The two of you have never gone past discussion into full blow arguing. He doesn’t like to fight with you, he does enough fighting on a nightly bases anyways.

But you got stubborn and he got selfish. Voices got raised, things were said and each one got hurt. He knows he can’t keep you glued to his shell forever, he’s had to learn the hard way, that there’s a life above that you inhabit and people around he’ll never truly meet. He knows every detail about your home life, knows your mother’s maiden name, how your aunt likes to get drunk at the family reunions and spill gossip. He knows your childhood home’s street name, the first guy you kissed, the first girl you kissed. Every aspect of your life you have told him in confidence, in laughter, in tears.

But Mikey is never gonna be part of it. He can’t really meet your dad and have that ‘if you break her heart I’ll break your legs’ talk. He won’t bond with your mom over their mutual love of cooking and secretly become her confidant. Knowing all these people but never truly knowing them is something he accepts.

It’s you leaving for three months back home. Three months away from him, three months where you’ll be surrounded by nostalgia you miss and love. Where your family will ask about ‘any boyfriends?’ and you’ll have to fake laugh your way through it. Three months of you being amongst people you constantly miss.

Surrounded by normalcy.

And Mikey wanted to be happy for you, he wanted to say fuck it and face time you every morning and night, watch you be happy to be in your hometown and maybe even get a virtual tour of it...

But that little dark part in his brain calls him a freak and reminds him constantly that you’ll get tired of surrounding yourself in craziness, monsters, end of the world scenarios etc. It just can’t seem to allow him to be happy for you. So the entire thing had ended in a fight, where dumb regretful things had been spat and you had marched off pissed and he had remained here equally pissed.

His brothers think he doesn’t get mad, they think he holds himself together through sheer ignorant bliss but it’s never been the case. Cause you’ve seen fire in his pretty blue eyes, you’ve seen those same very pretty blue eyes turn red with tear, you’ve seen so much of what he hides behind his laughter.

And fuck, three months of you away?!

Mikey pushes his knees up against his chest and sighs. His phone hasn’t made a noise despite his efforts to try and call you after he has calmed down. He debated going to your house and apologizing or at least going for a more calmer approach in expressing why this had left him so triggered. He wants to make sure this hasn’t pushed you both to your end, another nagging little thought that hasn’t quite shut its mouth.

Had this been the end? Had you walked out in a fury of frustration and decided this is it? Would you seize all communication and just erase the memories of him and your time together?

He’s hurting himself, he’s also getting angrier. This is stupid, he’s been stupid and immature and so are you for walking off!

It’s two hours before he decides to get up and toss his phone and try to consume his surrounding in order to relax. Mind over matter and all it’s wonderful bullshit. He doesn’t want to leave his room cause he knows the others must’ve heard.

He’s four hours deep into a shooting game when Raph pokes his head in with some food. He doesn’t look up, cause he knows Raph wants to be a good big brother and talk to him but he doesn’t want to when he’s one unfortunate mishandling away from crying. He lets him sit with him, watch him play and run a little bit of commentary that actually makes him smile just a teeny bit.

Even when Raph gets up and runs a large mitt over his head and tells him ‘broads are just emotional, she’ll come around’ he tries his best to not let his eyes betray him. Even when Raph gives the top of his head a kiss and pats his shell, he tries his best to keep it together.

It’s around 4am when he decides to look for his phone, chucked somewhere near his bed and maybe not broken. He finds it under his bed, screen a little cracked and one text message reading ‘r u awake?’ By you, it was sent twenty minutes ago and somewhere between debating calling or texting he hears the curtain in his room move.

You’re there.

Face two parts unreadable and a good topping of frustrated. Your face is bare, a mixture of sleepwear and winter clothing that clearly shows you had tried to sleep it off but couldn’t. “I just saw this... sorry” Mikey wonders if that sorry is related to the unread text or more so this mess. You look away, the energy around you can be felt. That upset way you bite the inside of your lip, how you cross your arms and run through every possible way of starting your side of things to say.

“Why are you really mad about me going back home?” You can’t meet his gaze and Mikey is thankful because he feels an oncoming headache. “I dunno man...” He sets his phone on his makeshift night table and runs his hands through his face, mask being taken off with the motion.

“That’s not an answer, you’re mad about something and I want to know” This time you do look and Mikey’s playing with the shoe string on one of the sneakers that hangs from the bunk bed. He chooses to stay quiet because if he does say something, what are the chances that you’ll understand?

“Mike, talk to me” He huffs a bitter laugh, ‘Mike’ is the he’s in trouble name. But he feels more obstinate than ever because why talk?

He shoves his hands in his pockets and looks down at his feet. “I didn’t come back in the freezing cold to actually work through this if you aren’t going to throw me a bone at least-” Your tone is a mix of exasperation and sadness. “You go back and you forget about me” Mikey cuts through.

You furrow your brows at his statement. “What?” You take a few steps but he side steps you and that somehow cuts you. “You go back home and you realize it’s better to be in a normal environment that isn’t New York, in the sewers, with me-“ He motions to all of him. “And all the crazy shit we do” He glares, not necessarily at you but more so at all of this, the current state of affairs.

Running a frustrated hand through your hair you try to settle your thoughts. “You can’t jump to a conclusion like that and you know it, I’m not skulking off back home and ghosting you! And frankly it fucking hurts you think of me like that” You reach for him because Mikey can’t be still for five seconds if his life depended on it, but he grabs your hands and refuses to let you lull him with your touch. “It’s not a conclusion it’s a friggin possibility! Do you see us actually being endgame in all this shit!” He grips your wrists, you want to get through to him but he’s lost in that terrible negative mindset.

“We both aren’t mind readers! But trust me that leaving you is nowhere on my list of achievements” You manage out of his grip and grasp his face. “You are being unfair and stubborn as fuck but I love you okay?” Your voice sounds almost angry, angry at the very idea of living in a world where you and him don’t coexist together.

“I can’t even marry you! I can’t even knock you up!” Another bitter laugh escapes him, he knows your parents would die for some grandkids. Why is he so different, why does he have to be so fucking different he wonders bitterly.

“I don’t care, I don’t fucking care about a piece of paper or screaming babies, I care about you and I want you and I’m fucking happy with you stop sabotaging it” You press your hands to his hard plastron and scowl. “Stop lying to me then! Don’t pity lie at me when I know you want all that shit” He frowns, eyes watery and not caring if he wakes everybody up in the Lair.

Mikey’s ready for the rant of a life time but then you have to go and kiss him.

Kiss him hard, kiss him with rage bubbling on the skin of your lips. He can taste your words, taste every way you would’ve shut down his words with basic truth and facts. You pull away, forehead still pressed to his and you mutter against his lips. “You’re so fucking insufferable, shut up and listen to me” Your eyes are watery as is, hands at his neck to keep him at eye level.

“I love you, I love you so fucking much” You take a shuttering inhale, fingers skimming up towards his cheeks. Mikey can only watch you, take in every detail he’s been obsessed with for so long. You’re so beautiful to him, even when your angry crying, yelling at him to open his eyes. You’re warm and real in front of him, against his body. You watch his eyes go from that calm before the storm into the aftermath.

He’s so real to you, so lovely and he doesn’t seem to understand it.

There’s a pause. A mere ten second reprieve where only silence and breathing remain. Mikey feels your hands slowly slide down his body, nails scratching his sides. You keep your eyes on him, a hand slides into his shorts, index finger mapping out the slit that encompasses his most intimate part. Mikey shudders, sensitivity racking his body at your touch. He walks you up against a wall, a hand on your neck and another finding it’s way into your own pants.

He teases you, just as you tease him. Knees buckle when he pushes your lips apart and feels your moistening folds. There’s already a bump where your touching him and the way he’s tensing gives way to how he’s trying to hold himself in. “Come on, come on” You weren’t aware just how hard you’ve been breathing till you speak. Mikey’s mouths falls open, eyes closing as he drops down into your warm awaiting hand. You stroke him, teasing the flesh of his head just to make him buck and recapture your lips. His own finger finds its way in you, stretching and making your breath hitch.

The only reason you both pull away is to tear at one another’s clothes, an easy accomplishment when Mikey’s got just his shorts. He isn’t soft with your clothing either, yanking and nearly tearing, his on his knees pulling off your underwear. Your scent hits him and he’s gone, trapped in all that is you. He inhales sharply as he gets back on his feet, arms hooking under your thighs as he picks you up.

You both land on the bed, a huff escaping you and a grunt when Mikey feels you push him so you can straddle him. You don’t quite finesse this, it’s not your usual seductive ways that leave him a mess. It’s rough, there’s still frustration lingering in the air and Mikey’s okay with it because he knows he might go to rough if he runs the show.

So you do.

Sinking down on his hard cock with a long guttural moan. Mikey digs his fingers onto the plush skin of your bottom, just enough to make you sit on his cock and relish it. Eyes closed he just basks, the tightness, the wetness, the warmth. His eyes flutter open when he feels your palms on his plastron, firm and with purpose. His hands know already, they go up and rest on your waist and he swallows a churr when your hips begin to move fast and hard.

That rhythmic slapping of flesh, your rear hitting his lap on each thrust down. Mikey can’t stop churring, eyes on your own or slipping down to your beautiful breasts bouncing. You notice and lean forward, he buries his face between him, arm going around your waist as he lifts his hips to help you cross that line. The sweat of your skin is on the top of his tongue as he sucks a bruise onto your breast, you’re tightening up so much, cussing and begging for him.

You both can’t stop moaning, once you’re cummin and Mikey follows closely behind. He holds you close to him as you ride out the sensations, tightly secured against his strong body, held and loved. You’re a broken record of ‘I love you’s and so is he, filling you up and up.

Collapsed on top of him, chest heaving, you still feel the strength in his arms as he hugs you to him. You bury your face on his neck, body shaking with sobs as he whispers he’s sorry over and over as he kisses your shoulder, neck and head.

You say it too, against his skin.

Where you wish you could stay everyday.

[ahiddenpath]

100 Questions

So I reblogged this 100 question list, and some of the Qs were real bangers.  I picked my top five to answer!  You can ask me more, if you’d like!  More below the cut.

22.)  How long does it take you to fall in love with somebody?  Is the sensation of ‘falling in love’ or ‘being in love’ better?

I don’t think falling in love or being in love exists, as an emotion or state.  Actually, there was a period where I lowkey wondered if I was... missing some kind of emotional “love” capacity, because love never felt the way I was taught it would: a sensation in my body, like hunger or anxiety or happiness.  And this isn’t limited to romantic love, either.

For example, I had a cat from roughly age seven to my mid twenties.  When she began to deteriorate, I wondered- will I miss her?  Surely, I like that she’s around, and I like her.  But I don’t feel emotions about her.  I probably won’t miss her?  These thoughts seemed monstrous to me- how could I be so cold towards my pet of 18 years? 

And as I thought these things, I continued to give her lots of attention, feed her, take her to the vet for her many end-of-life trips, and patiently deal with her accidents caused by kidney failure.  I genuinely didn’t see that caring for her so kindly was love- I was looking for some kind of big emotion.

When she passed, I was so bereaved that my back went out, and I was immobile for a week (you can’t make this shit up.  I literally had to get a muscle-relaxant injection in my buttcheek because my muscles were so locked up.  I didn’t fall or hurt myself in any way, it was 100% grief).

Clearly, many people experience love as an emotion- we learn about butterflies and crushes and attraction and big sweeping FEELS early on.  For me, love is genuinely wanting to give my best self to someone- to want to give them my time, attention, and care.  To want them around, to seek them out.  I want happiness and health for everyone, but someone you love- you’re willing to put enormous personal effort in to promote their well-being.

It’s quiet, deliberate, subtle... but given with joy.

24.)   Do you think you really understand your gender and sexuality?

Okay, so you probably know that I identify as, vaguely, “somewhere on the gray scale.”  I feel like it’s so difficult to pin down, because-  Am I asexual and/or aromantic, or am I just...  Absolutely disinterested in romance, ie, the western phenomenon that is generally traced back to the tenets of chivalry?  

I struggle so much to put these vague and confused feelings into words, so-  Please bear with me.  

A few years ago, a friend sent me a scene from an Indian movie- I think it was an adaptation of Romeo and Juliet.  The scene was Romeo and Juliet meeting at a party- it was colorful and huge!  Then she sent me another clip- it’s hard to remember, but they were in bed and playing with incense- like, making the clouds of it move- and I was like, “Dude-  Is this-  Is this sexy?  I have never watched a scene on film and thought it was sexy???”

My friend said, “It’s sensual.  People setting the mood and enjoying each other.  Western movies tend to follow romance scripts- They went on a date, he gave her flowers/provided for her financially, he messed up, then fixed it with a grand gesture.  It’s formulaic- some people love it, some people are bored with it by the time they’re teens.”

So- I like intimacy and sensuality.  I don’t like romance and sex as it’s generally understood in the west.  I still think I’m somewhere on the greyscale, but-  I don’t know which aspect contributes more to my attitudes towards romantic love and sex.

As for gender, I can’t say I’ve ever wondered if I wasn’t female.  I have wondered if gender is a concept we should bother with- should our physical appearance shape how we’re treated to the extent that it does?  But I also know how important gender is for lots of people!  It’s an interesting subject, but also one I tend to worry about discussing- I don’t want to accidentally hurt someone.  

40.)   What makes a person ‘good’? Are you a ‘good person’?

A dear friend is insistent that there is no such thing as “good” humans and “bad” humans.  We’re all just... humans.  

I chewed on this for years, because- surely someone who, say, commits murder is “bad.”  But, slowly, as I matured, I think I started to understand her.  No one is saying that crimes should be overlooked and there is no right and wrong.  But what you judge is the crime itself, and only in a court of peers.

The moment we start sorting people into “good” and “bad” is the moment we start slipping towards, “this kind of person is better than that kind,” which can go in many terrible and disastrous directions.

We aren’t meant to sit around judging people, deciding who is worthy and unworthy.  We’re meant to do our best and support others when we’re able.

50.)   What do you expect from a friend or partner?

I JUST ABOUT LOST MY MIND WHEN I SAW THIS Q ON THE LIST!

So it turns out that people talk about their love lives a lot, especially if they are looking for a partner.  I realized that people always talk about what they want from a partner...  But I had literally never heard anyone talk about what they expect to give their partner.

I started asking.  “Okay.  So that’s what you want from a significant other.  What do you want to offer/give them?”

It turns out this is an efficient way to cause system failure, lol!!!!!

But here’s the thing- the world we live in takes and takes and takes and takes from people.  We’re all searching for comfort, for people to lean on, for support and presence and connection.  It’s one of the most precious things out there.  It’s no wonder that everyone wants it, and that we feel the need for it so keenly, so painfully.

So very many of us are desperate for support and connection, and for whatever reason, my American culture points to a monogamous romantic relationship as the strongest source of it.  If you offer someone love and care, many people will devour it to the last crumb.  Usually, it isn’t because they’re consciously greedy.  It’s because the need is so great, and we are taught that the best source is a significant other.

So, when it comes to dating, I think it’s absolutely paramount to know how much you can give and where your boundaries are before you start.  It’s also important to remind yourself that, even in the beginning stages, the other person is also a human who has wants, needs, and expectations from you.  What are you willing to provide?  If you only take, they will eventually catch on and realize they are being used.  If you only give, you will eventually realize that you are depleted.

So, what are you willing to give?

75.)   Do we have a moral obligation to care for others? To what extent?

Have you ever heard that story where Benedict Cumberbatch stopped an assault, and he was basically like (paraphrasing), “Don’t call me a hero, I just did what I had to.”

Basically, humans looking after humans is... you guessed it, humans being humans!  We’re a social species that only survived this long by working together.  No one can hunt, watch children, make warm clothes, care for the elderly, cook the food, gather herbs, make medicine, and care for the sick in a single day.  We get it done by working together and splitting tasks.  

It looks different in the modern world- we mostly pay for goods and services instead of trading skills.  But there are still so many places in the world where people only survive by helping each other.  This is especially true in low income areas.  Most people have experienced hard times, and want to help others when hard times come for them.

That said, my country’s current situation generates a black hole of need (financial, emotional, healthwise, etc).  It’s important to help others, but pivotal to know when you need to recover and take care of yourself.  You can’t pour from an empty cup.

And those were the 5 Qs where I felt like I had the most interesting perspectives/ things to say/offer!  I hope they were interesting, and not just hot air, lol!  It was really engaging to come up with responses for them.

[blackfemmecharacterdependency]

25. Not Fine, But Better

Previous

Word Count: 6239

Simon went to his father’s to recover. He was on an official break from school (hopefully, no longer than a year), and because of the nature of his injuries, was forced to move back home temporarily. His former employer was reluctant about giving him another position, though they worked out a few things for him to be involved in a freelance capacity, that way they were hiring him for certain projects, but not keeping him on their regular payroll. He planned to enroll in some online studies in the fall, and in the meantime, focused mainly on his ongoing project - the virtual reality social media.

A few things happened. Aside from regular visits to the doctor, because he was doing too much and reopened stitches, or for the extensive treatment that some of his more severe wounds were going to take, not to mention the healing of his spleen, which he was supposed to be taking extra care not to upset, but he was just so restless in bed and so anxious at the house, he kept getting up. The first night, he was content to lay down, primarily due to physical pain and exhaustion. 

The trauma doctor had suggested not getting on a plane, which meant that Mr. Laurent would have to stay at Simon’s and take care of him… which meant to Simon that his father would be in his personal space, contaminating it and his thoughts of it AND, he would know where he lived. He absolutely rejected that notion and said that he would hire someone for in-home health… Then he thought about the upcoming legal fees of his fights, potential jail time, even, the way that he abandoned his job, and he decided that maybe he would just go back to the Bay with his dad, against the doctor’s suggestion, because that seemed to be the least agonizing solution for him.

Of course, he re-injured himself, and spent all day in an ER, to receive word that his treatment would take longer and was ordered to bed rest for the spleen healing. He laid down in his old bed, as uncomfortable as it was and fell to sleep almost immediately. Outside of the hospital, where the medication and immediate professional help were, his nightmares became blatantly strong. He kept dreaming of laying in a pool of his own blood, on the cold ground, looking at a manhole, ready to die… and then the Void came out of it, about to swallow him whole and everything went black. He jumped up and immediately held himself. Maybe he needed to be strapped to the bed, as to not hurt more. He took a deep breath and reached for the cane that he would need to walk for a bit… and there was a white cat, resting on his old desk.

“Samantha?” He looked around the room, wondering if this was another dream, about his teenage years or something. But, he came closer and touched the cat and she pleasantly allowed it. It abandoned the cane to pick up the animal and nuzzled her. “Is it really you or did that jackass go find another white cat?” He snuggled her and limped out of the room to go get some water. He froze whenever he got into the kitchen and both of his parents were sitting at the little table. 

“Simon!” His mother said. She looked… different than he remembered. She looked younger, somehow, but extremely tired. She came over and tried to take Samantha from him, “Sorry. She must’ve snuck…” He jerked away and almost lost his footing. 

“What are you doing here?” he asked.

“Your dad said that you were here, so I stopped by and brought Samantha.”

He glared at her, “You’ve had Samantha this entire time?”

She chuckled and shrugged, “She’s MY cat, Simon. Whenever I was a little better, I stopped by and picked her up one day.”

“And you didn’t think to let me know? Leave a note? Nothing?? I thought she was dead!”

“You seem to be more upset about losing a cat than you’ve ever been about losing one of your family members,” she said. There she was. He knew that tone. He knew those eyes. She hadn’t changed. She was just better at seeming normal. 

“Don’t,” his father warned her.

Simon kept Samantha in his clutches as he went to pour himself some water. “When are you leaving?” 

The woman sat back down and looked at Mr. Laurent. “Your father thinks that you need us here. That us not being there for you is how you got to be this way.”

“What way is that, Faith?” he asked.

“Don’t,” his father warned the woman whose anger appeared to be rising, again.

“A little shit,” she hissed, despite the warning.

“Goddammit, Faith!” his father said. Simon snickered, wickedly. “Can’t you see that he’s just a hurt kid, acting out?” Now, Simon frowned. 

He wanted to storm over and punch his father in the face. He’d done so before, whenever he was a teenager and his father was drunk and complaining about his stupid memorial or whatever. But, Simon was in too much pain to even walk straight, much less, fight. He started angry crying and muttered, “Fuck both of you,” before taking Samantha back into his room, shutting the door (which hurt his side to do) and climbing back into bed with her nestled against himself. “I can’t believe that bitch took you away from me.” 

His mother was gone back to her mom’s by the time he got up again. He panicked whenever Samantha wasn’t there and rushed out of his room, clutching himself and neglecting the cane again to question his father about her whereabouts. Then, he heard her meow, excitedly, like she had something to tell him. Many things to tell him! He collected her and brought her back to his room. He kept her in there with him, scared that if she went outside, his mother might steal her again, even though his father assured him that it wouldn’t happen. “I won’t let her,” he had said. When the hell had he ever stopped her from doing anything?

He called “Dick for Brains” and asked if it was possible for him to use video conferencing to schedule an appointment. Dr. Richard was more than willing to accommodate this and seemed genuinely pleased that Simon had decided to try to resume therapy. 

However, in their first session back, Simon babbled on about this idea that he had for work. Of course, the therapist was going to let him speak about what he wanted to. It was a huge thing for Simon to even seek out help without being forced, and he was uncharacteristically excited about something. “A VR that serves as experimental experience based therapy. The premise is that you would be able to take these pick your adventure journeys, but each of the decisions would have either rewards or consequences and every choice that you make would take you down certain paths, giving you certain training to deal with your problems and conditioning your decision making, even one day could grant you diagnosis based upon your choices and solutions to said diagnosis…”

“So… you want to replace actual therapy with a virtual reality video game?”

“NO! You do the therapy to help you get better at the game. It’s like… it goes with it… unless you’re not so bad off that you NEED therapy, and then it’s just a tool in character education…”

“Okay. That sounds interesting. How is that coming along for you?”

“Ugh. It’s shit. You know… I don’t have the best gauge for reasonable decisions. So, I’m trying to program a lot of things, but I’m depending on various algorithms, and the things that I need to be more specific about, well - I’ve been reading a lot of psychology stuff to sort of help me out. Also, Grace had SO MANY resources available in her featured links on her website…” Simon’s eyes glossed over whenever he started talking about Grace.

“How is your relationship with Grace, Simon?”

He gave a sad smile and shrugged his shoulders, “I don’t have a relationship with Grace. She gave me another chance at life and I told everyone about all the messed up stuff I did to her. We haven’t spoken or seen each other in the weeks that I’ve been out of the hospital.”

“I read about that. It was really big of both of you to make the decisions that you made…”

“This isn’t about Grace,” Simon said. He began typing on one of his other laptops. “I’m not going to do that this time, Dr. Richard. I’m trying to think about treatment, but in a way that appeals to people more like me. I’m not one to sit in a room and talk about my feelings. You know how much I hate that. I AM one to sit in MY room, for hours, playing the same computer video game for weeks. As a kid, I used to create these figures. I have a ton of them at home. More recently, I’ve done robots…” Simon sounded all over the place, but Dr. Richard didn’t interrupt him. “In most games, there is a specific goal, and people tend to think… This isn’t anything that I’m used to, but the principle is fine. I want people to be able to feel like they are walking into their own worlds, and that their adventures are things that they can navigate to practice existing in the world. To get things out of their system that they should never do here, or to give them options that their minds might not automatically compose! You’re a therapist… do you think this sounds stupid or crazy or… just impossible?”

“It sounds like you’re enjoying your work and exploring more empathetic aspects of your talents. This project could be extremely good for you.”

“Okay, yeah, sure. But… do you think it would work? Do you think it would help somebody?”

“Are you making this to help other people or to get better at helping yourself?”

“DO YOU THINK IT WOULD DO EITHER?”

“There’s not enough information for me to know if it will help other people, but I think it’s already helping you and that’s the most important thing that you need to focus on. Getting better, yourself.” That was all that Simon needed to become completely obsessed with his project.

So, what happened was that he began to work on it a lot and neglect certain things he needed to do during his recovery. His father had to remind him and sometimes try to physically force him to let him check his healing, cleaning wounds, and getting ready to go have bloodwork done, etc. He was extremely irritable whenever Mr. Laurent would interrupt his work. Whenever it was more pressing medical concerns, Simon got a call from Grace.

“Hey,” she’d say casually. He’d smile immediately when he heard her voice, then frown, because he knew it meant that his dad had bothered her.

“Grace… I don’t know WHAT he’s said this time, but you need to stop doing this. How does he manage to even get to call you anyway?”

“Hazel gave him her phone number for emergencies. That is now the backup phone. Had to get her another. She’s too damn friendly, but I’ll never discourage her. She’s gotta be herself, you know. Listen. So… I’m told that you need to have an angiography. I looked it up and sounds like you gotta do this thing, and yet… Your dad can’t get you to stop playing video games?”

“No! That’s not what’s happening at all! I’m working and he just barges in! Doesn’t even knock. He’s obnoxious.”

“Orrr… you’re tired of being on somebody else’s timetable, and that’s understandable, but whenever I was in the institution, I was constantly on a formatted schedule that I had no control over. It was one of the downsides of getting myself in there. One of your downsides of starting fights that get you stabbed is doing whatever you’ve gotta do when you’ve gotta do it to get better. I’m gonna be pissed if your dad calls Hazel again because you’re acting like a child.”

“It won’t happen again.”

“Thank you. Have a good day.”

That was the last time he was cantankerous with his dad about appointments. He just had to suck it up and go when it was time. He had to listen, because he knew Mr. Laurent wouldn’t hesitate to bother Grace, as unfair as that was. Simon was furious that his dad did this. He called it harassment. Mr. Laurent didn’t seem to mind, even when Simon yelled aggressively about how Grace was always the person picking up his pieces when they were kids and he’s coming to a better understanding of how unfair that was to both of them, plus he has Samantha back and he is guilty about imposing on Grace. He sent her a message asking her to promise not to come running again for his father calling but agrees for her sake that if a real emergency comes up that she’s welcome to check in on him. She never replied, so he didn’t know if it was sent and he didn’t want to keep bothering her in her inbox. So, the months passed and he did what his father needed him to do to get better. Whenever he was able, he travelled back home, taking Samantha with him.

He was working full time and enrolled back in school part time, at a less prestigious college, but one that was comfortable for him, at this point. He still got up to MIT to see Professor Hughes and talk engineering with her. She was impressed by how well he seemed to be doing, but she would never tell him that. And he never missed an appointment with his therapist, or his physician. For the most part, he recovered. There was a little lasting damage that he would have to deal with, such as multiple surgeries to correct various problems connected to disrupting the body’s normal with multiple stab wounds, but it was manageable and he was… feeling okay. Whenever he wasn’t, he had better ways of coping than before, most of the time. Every now and then, he’d definitely lose it and break things and rage… but… it wasn’t as frequent as it used to be, so he at least felt good about that much.

Plus, he got to see Grace be SO happy with Hazel online and he wasn’t blocked from everything, so anytime anyone tried to give her trouble about him, he was able to step in and take whatever blows that they tried to throw her way. That was another thing… He had been diligently sticking to the truth about her, no matter what people asked or how guilty, ashamed, weak, cowardly, or whatever else these things made him feel. He went onto shows and conducted interviews and made videos to counter any negative feedback that Grace had ever done anything wrong. “Besides being a neglected kid with some issues related to that, Grace was a really good friend and I was a bad friend to her. Turned out my neglect issues were much deeper and I made her suffer for that, but she shouldn’t have to anymore.” 

.

Grace woke up with the sun most mornings. After she and Hazel returned to New York, it occurred to her that they had barely started living there before their little adventure in Mass. SO, they immediately made certain to try to start setting their routines and building their home style. Hazel’s room was the fanciest room she had ever had, excluding the chambers at the Monroe Estate. Grace let her have her own TV in her room, with a system that she had access to most of the apps, several games, and her favorite movies and shows. There was a housewarming plant that Grace’s friend had bought for Hazel whenever she moved in (and had to come over to look after whenever they were out), and that was in Hazel’s room, right by the window, for its sunshine. 

Hazel had gotten to the point where she was no longer sure if she wanted to hold on to having a leaf in her hair, so Grace bought her some cute hair accessories that looked like leaves - hair clips, headbands and stuff… and if Hazel ever wanted to stop, she had options, to sort of keep with her tradition that was sort of a large part of the identity she had carved out for herself. Now, though, she had a changing identity. 

She was Grace’s daughter and she didn’t know if keeping a leaf meant that she was holding on to a parent or parents that abandoned her when she had one who had fought to call her her own right in front of her. The last thing she wanted to do was possibly hurt Grace’s feelings, and she knew that Grace probably wouldn’t tell her if she did. She would just smile and make her feel good and meditate later or something. Hazel kept the hair leaf, for now. 

The room had bookshelves with Hazel’s favorite books, toys, and keepsakes, her jewelry rack and a very large quartz crystal sphere that Grace bought her “for good energy” whenever she was at her last home. It sat on a little sphere holder and Hazel generally set her singing Tuba right near it, whenever she wasn’t carrying it with her or sleeping with it. There was a framed photo of the Monroe trio - her, Grace and GlamMother, on her wall, as well as a mirror with her name on a plaque against its expensive wood. All of the furniture was well made and personalized in some way. 

For instance, her dresser had a cartoon stylized version of her smiling face on the sides and her name in lights across the top of the vanity. The colors of the room were hazel, ivory and green, and her headboard had a turtle magnificently carved into it. Grace got her the same type of products that she purchased herself. She still used the same natural beauty brands that she swore by as an influencer (and recently was reconnected with many of them) including a rebirth campaign for her own line of products. It really was like rebirth, but this time, she was living on her own conditions. She also was building for her daughter, as well, but in a different way than what her mother did. She would always ask Hazel her opinion of things, what she wanted to do, if she liked or approved of certain things that she wanted to do for her. The emblem on Grace’s products would be from a drawing that Hazel did of Grace as a tree, sitting in a lotus position, her hair as the leaves and Hazel falling from the tree into her outstretched arms. It was a pretty good drawing for a 10 year old, and Grace wanted it to stay just as it was for their emblem. 

Grace made meal prep for if Hazel had turtle days. Half the time, Grace wound up throwing the greens into a smoothie, because Hazel was fine for the most part. But, she would keep up this practice of being prepared for a long time. 

She generally saw Hazel off to school herself, instead of putting her into a car with a driver or getting her to learn public transportation like she often saw kids doing while she was out and about in the city for her first few years. She wanted Hazel to be as protected and seen as she could without being that over sheltering type of mom that she sometimes felt like she was probably being. But, Hazel liked the attention. It was nice to have somebody always having her back and ensuring her safety. It was nice always having someone waiting for you when you step out into the world, to guide you back home. 

They’d had most of the summer to settle in and the new school year was Hazel’s favorite EVER. She was finally going to be somewhere that she was getting herself to believe wouldn’t be temporary… she might actually make friends! She met a couple of people that were really cool the first week - Lucy and Lindsay. They knew each other from before, but Lindsay had recognized her from the internet and invited her to sit with them at lunch. Lucy wasn’t allowed to get onto the internet, but Hazel noticed that she had a Tuba watch and they admitted that they both still watched/loved The Mighty Tuba and Her Musical Friends. Lindsay made fun of both of them, but it was in that way where Hazel could tell that she still liked them and was gonna be their friend. Hazel LOVED it and asked if she could invite them over soon for a tea party.

Of course she could. Grace rarely told Hazel no. If it was doable, safe, and harmed nobody, she didn’t see any reason to refuse her things that she was interested in. Plus, Mrs. Monroe had bought a very expensive tea party set for the girl that Grace had to get assembled on the balcony, because she had no idea where to put it in her place… which meant that the balcony basically belonged to Hazel’s tea set. Getting that woman to understand that her space in New York is nothing like the space that they had in California was almost impossible. Her mother couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t just seek out a bigger place. Like… just because I have my own money, I have to like… spend it like that?

But, Hazel began having her tea parties the second week of school. Mrs. Monroe wanted them to come to visit the weekend of the 23rd of August. “Mom. We’ve only been gone a couple of months. I told you that Hazel and I aren’t going to be coming back and forth like this.”

“I’m thinking if you catch a flight in the evening on Wednesday, Hazel won’t have to miss school that day. But, you definitely need to be here by Thursday evening’s dinner.” 

“Ugh. Mom.”

“Grace, this is important.”

She sighed. “Fine. But you aren’t seeing us again before Christmas break. Hazel has limited days off and I have things planned for my 23rd.”

“Yes, well… Julia or Gabriel, or whatever the hell this assistant’s name is will send you the list of things you need to pack.”

“Why would I need to pack things?”

“We’re going to take you to Belize, since you won’t be here for your birthday.”

“Ugh… I wish I could argue with a free trip to Belize… okay, fine. Tell ADRIENNE to send me the information.”

“Adrienne? That doesn’t sound right… oh, really? Huh. She says that is indeed her name. Well, she’s sending it. We’ll see you soon.”

Grace hung up and stretched, sputtered air through her lips and peeked out at the girls at their tea parties, with their hats and some of Grace’s good tea. “Hey, Haze… GlamMother wants to see us next week, so I’ll be packing our stuff and I’ll email the school to get your work for Thursday and Friday in advance so we can turn it in on Wednesday.”

“Yes, Mother,” Hazel said in her tea party voice. “Will we be seeing Mr. Laurent and his Sad Sorry Son Simon when we go to California?”

“I’m not planning on it. Just giving you a heads up.” The three girls raised their teacups to Grace and she smiled and went back inside to pack. Simon was back in Cambridge, as far as she knew. She had seen him around online, but never hovered, so she couldn’t be sure. But… that week was the week of his birthday. She wondered if her mother had remembered that information, or if her body was simply falling back on old habits of the season by wanting to do something around this time of year. It was a very random time to Grace for them to just want to go to Belize… though, usually Simon’s birthday was paired up with hers. The significance of his actual birth date would only matter to Grace, not her parents, as the things that they did typically occurred AFTER August 22nd. Grace shook her head and opened the email of things to pack, so that she could prepare early.

.

The Monroes had some guests, Grace could tell. Not a lot, so she wondered if this was like some politician’s immediate family or what, and she resigned herself to the thought that if for one little second her mom even tried to give her hell about taking a flight today, instead of last night (to come in all late in the night and throw off hers AND Hazel’s sleep schedule), she would take her ass right on to her old bedroom and wait for the call to go to Belize. She didn’t play that mess with her mom anymore. Hazel ran to the door and tiptoed a little to use the knocker. There was a doorbell, but something about that fancy old knocker always intrigued her.

A butler opened the door and tried to take Grace’s bags, but she struggled with him, knowing that she could do it herself. “If you won’t let him, let me,” she heard a familiar voice say. Simon. She froze. He was standing. Obviously in good enough health. He was smiling, but it became worried when she stared at him. He put his hands up and she noted that he was in some type of… weird coat draped over his arms, instead of wearing it, that she could see the top of his apology tattoos, and that his parents were at the table with hers.

Her mother got up and rushed over, “Don’t be silly! It’s his job.” She collected Hazel into a tight hug and Grace still stood there, in the open door as Hazel rushed to the table, hand in hand with her grandmother, to pass hugs around. “Surprise!” Mrs. Monroe cheered. “It’s Simon’s birthday dinner… and a therapy idea thing…”

“Therapy told you to surprise me by bringing me here, with these people, under the guise of a free trip to Belize?” Grace asked, very much not okay with this.

“No. We’re having a sit down, between all of us, as adults, to settle everything once and for all. There’s cake!” 

Hazel cheered, “Yayyy! Cake!”

Mrs. Monroe sighed and folded her arms, “My God, Grace, we really ARE going to Belize. Just sit down and enjoy dinner.” Grace pouted her way over to the seat next to Hazel. Simon returned to the one next to that one. His parents were across the table from them, and Mr. and Mrs. Monroe were on the opposite ends.

“This is messed up,” Grace muttered.

“All of us are messed up,” Mr. Monroe said. “It took a while for us to realize it. We spoke a few times when Simon was in the hospital, and we thought that eventually, both of you needed apologies from us and attempts for us to do better. Now, Grace… you had some things to say to Mr. Laurent the last time you were together…”

“I said it all. Nice to finally meet you, though,” she said to Mrs. Laurent, and her tone indicated that it wasn’t nice to meet her at all. Simon reached out and rubbed Grace on the back. She smiled a little at him, then looked confused and wondered why they were acting like nothing had ever happened. Then again, they had “gotten over” what did happen, and she guessed she was kinda touch starved, because it was nice to get physical comfort from somebody that wasn’t Hazel, for a change.

“Simon had many things to say to his parents before you arrived, too. Now that we’re all here, really… say whatever is on all of your minds. Simon… you’ve been sulking for two hours, but whenever Grace walked in, you immediately brightened up.” Simon blushed as Mr. Monroe made this extremely embarrassing announcement. Hazel cackled about it and ate a mouthful of potatoes. 

Simon shook his head, “I’m not sure what you mean by saying this, Mr. Monroe.”

“Just that we never really discussed the night that you came back into our lives, wanting to see Grace and apologize… You didn’t actually apologize until a while later and… we’re all curious about the journeys it took to get from where you were to…”

“No, Dad.” Grace shook her head. “No. Simon and I used to be best friends. I loved him. There was nobody in the world more important to me. When we broke, I broke. You don’t get to just have reflection on what led us all here, to possible health and contentment. Just… No. Where is the cake? I’m having some on the terrace. You want in, Si?” His eyes widened and he got up to follow her. The butler was bringing out the cake, and she took the whole tray. “Momma’s got you, Haze,” she said without breaking her stride. She went outside and Simon smiled as she set the cake down. “Cut my baby a piece of cake. I’ll get her dish.”

“Yes, Ma’am.”

Grace rolled her eyes at everybody in the room, grabbed Hazel’s desert plate and the bottle of wine from the table. She went back out and Simon was ready with Hazel’s slice. Whenever Grace gave it to her, she said, “I’ll be right out there if you need me.” Grace was… tired. She had been on a long flight, and to be faced with the Laurents AND her parents? And to have them acting like this was just okay to spring on someone? “They’re still messing up, but I guess at least they’re trying,” she glanced around. “I didn’t get glasses.” She frowned.

“S’ok. I don’t drink.” 

She smiled and said, “Neither do I, but remember whenever we were 14 and we said that we’d have our first drink together?”

“Yeah. We said on your 21st birthday.” He smiled and she felt warm in his gaze. She set the bottle down. “At any rate, they don’t need any wine. They’re being weird enough.”

“RIGHT?” Grace and Simon laughed awkwardly. “To be honest, I think that they realized that the only way to get me here was to hide their intentions from me. I wouldn’t have showed up if they had told me that they wanted to have dinner with your family.”

“Funny… I wouldn’t have come if they hadn’t told me, “Grace will be here for your birthday,” Simon admitted and leaned on the balcony rail. “All I wanted was to see you again. It’s all I could think about all month.”

“You’ve known about this all month? My mom called me last week!” She leaned next to him, her back against the rail, so that she could keep an eye on Hazel. For a moment, she had a flashback of the last time that they were out here together. The pain stung, but there was a numbness there… like that part of her that hurt was more like a limb that fell to sleep. “Hazel is the same age as we were when we met. I’ve been so paranoid about her running into trouble because I’m not present enough…”

“Is that what you think us meeting was? You running into trouble?” Simon asked. He didn’t seem offended, like he might have normally been. Just… curious.

“Don’t you think so? For both of us…”

He frowned and looked out at the Monroe yard. “I think that the people who messed up the most are all surrounding your kid right now.” 

“She loves them, though. I want her to have a good relationship with them. Not just because I didn’t, but because they’re the only grandparents she has.”

“Yeah, well… at the moment, MY parents are there too…” Grace stood up and folded her arms, looking at Hazel. Her parents had arranged for her and Simon to have their first joint birthday celebration since they were 16, and even arranged a sit down with the Laurents about everything that went wrong… Simon was also thinking about how messed up this was, because he added to her thoughts, “I feel weird about our parents finally talking, when we ourselves have finally gotten to good places in our lives and development.”

“I think it’s… A good thing, but just for them. For me… I think that the best thing has been that I survived. I thought that I was gonna die after everything. Nothing felt real. My whole life was just staring into nothingness and crying. I really did become the void…”

“No. You were NEVER that!” Simon said, putting his hand on her shoulder. “You always mattered. I was just too toxic to see that. The best thing for me has been that I realized how wrong I was…” Grace threw her arms around his neck and Simon relaxed in her arms and held her close. Every time was like the first time, but this was DIFFERENT different. This was the first hug that they had in some time and maybe even the first genuine one that they’ve had. Simon was caught up in his emotions, but quickly tried to keep them in check, “Wanna grab the kid and get outta here?” Simon asked, looking at her. They were still in the hug, but let some space in between their bodies.

Grace chuckled, “I mean… you know that my perfect birthday celebration is lowkey, with the closest people to me, some dogs and a walk around the creek. But, it’s not MY birthday.”

Simon turned and leaned back on the terrace this time, “If I had just done that with you for our 16th, things could have gone very differently.” 

“I think things would have eventually gone wrong anyway. We were both… beyond our own help. You seem fine now, though.”

“I’m not fine, but I’m better.” He shrugged his shoulders. 

“Grab the cake, I’ll grab the kid,” she said with a smile. Simon obeyed, as she went inside and he followed. “Haze, grab your bag. We’re headed out.

“Headed out?” Mrs. Monroe asked. “To where?”

“Simon and I are taking Hazel to our old stomping grounds.” Hazel jumped up excited. All four of the parents exchanged worried looks, which Grace ignored and put an arm around Hazel to guide her towards the door. “Hopefully… the rest of you will get whatever you need out of… this…”  They checked out early, giving their parents time to sort through their guilt.

The trio left the mansion, all three laughing and talking. Hazel about how she had heard so much about their adventures, though Simon was certain she only heard the sweet and not the… other stuff. He was just glad that Grace was willing to spend time with him again. It was the best birthday present he could’ve gotten. He didn’t deserve it, but he was going to be grateful.

Neither Simon or Grace had revisited much of their old places, so they wound up spending time well into the night taking Hazel to their childhood spots from when they were her age. Eventually she got so sleepy that she dozed off on the train and Simon had to carry her around. Grace told him that she could do it (she was pretty practiced in it and Hazel was a tall 10), with Simon still technically being in recovery for his injuries, but she guessed that his pride was still stubborn, because he insisted. 

They caught a cab back to the mansion, he put Hazel to bed, and Grace offered to walk him out. “Your parents have us in the guest house,” he said. 

“Excuse you?”

“We’re going to Belize… They didn’t tell you that EITHER?”

“What’re they trying to do? Get us back together??” She joked. 

He laughed, “Like you’d ever do that. You didn’t want me the first time.”

“That’s not true. I actually liked you way more than you liked me, because my feelings were selfless and pure.” He stared at his hands and nodded. She sat down in front of the front door and he sat next to her. “I wasn’t kidding whenever I’d say that I had the perfect relationship already, or whatever the hell I said that day. I can’t remember word for word, but I remember that all the words were true.”

“Yeah… If only I had been better.”

“Well… You said earlier that you’re better now.”

“Yeah…” He turned to look at her and she smiled and took his hand into hers. 

“We don’t have to talk about it. We can just live in it,” she said. That was always how she had been about them. No questions or comments about their feelings for each other, titles, etc. They were together and enjoying each other’s company again. The rest of the details were background noise. No things were not fine, and she didn’t know if things would ever be fine between them, considering the stuff that happened back then. But… things were better.

Next

[imaginepirates]

Dad! Barbossa

For @ma-rys-stuff. Barbossa is your father, and he does everything he can to break the curse. Basically, it's your retelling of what happened.

@bonjour-frens @tesserphantom @ilikebritsandbands    

~2500 words

~~~~~~~

The girl didn’t look like a pirate. She had such nice blonde hair, and a stunningly thin figure. You were almost certain that men would trip over themselves just to talk to her. The crimson dress clung to her figure, fanning out at the hips, as was the style. It reminded you of apples and of wine. It pooled around her ankles on the floor, too long for her. 

           It reminded you of blood. 

           It was all you could think of. Her blood splattering the floor of some dark cavern, flowing freely from her body until she was spent and dying. All so you could, too. 

           Existing without the ability to feel was, in truth, pretty awful. You hated not being able to taste food, and you hated worse that when somebody touched you, their touch was like that of a ghost. Any reassuring hand on the shoulder, any kiss to the forehead; it was all lost to you. 

           It had been one of the best parts of your childhood. Your father had planted kisses on the top of your head every night. He squeezed your hand whenever you looked nervous. He held you by the arms and told you how big you were growing. You missed that sensation. 

           You missed, too, the more intimate touches in life. You missed kissing the man you loved. You missed his fingers in your hair, and his hands massaging your shoulders. You missed his breath on your neck when he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You missed him. 

           You refocused. How could such a stunning girl be the daughter of a pirate? She looked too soft, like she’d never done a day’s work in her life. Who cared for her, her mother, the poor wench her father had left behind?

           You didn’t believe in that. In being left behind. Your father, despite his faults, had taken care of you from the time you were a baby. You were part of his crew, and could tie knots before you could walk. He hadn’t known about you to begin with. When he found out, and he realized your mother was dying, he took you under his wing. Now, you were as fearsome as any man. You could wield a sword, climb the rigging, swim, and fire a cannon. That was more than most girls your age could say. 

           The evening was slowly turning to night, and the first stars were creeping out. You loved looking out at the sky; it distracted you from looking at yourself. 

           The first time you’d seen your arm turn from flesh to bone, you were terrified. It felt like your skin was crawling with bugs. It was the sensation of your skin crawling off your frame, leaving you with nothing but a skeleton. How different that was, to look down and suddenly be able to see your own ribs. You’d long since gotten used to it, but it wasn’t a pretty sight.

           You stepped out from where you were peaking at the girl. Miss Turner, she’d introduced herself. Very convenient for the rest of you. 

           Miss Turner was to have dinner with your father. He was purely there to intimidate her; there was no reason for you to dine with them. She didn’t deserve it all. Her only crime was being the wrong man’s daughter. She couldn’t help what he’d done. She was probably a perfectly nice girl. It was a shame you’d have to kill her. 

           You didn’t believe it. Your father would never kill an innocent girl. He had a cold, vile reputation, but that was only to keep power. He wouldn’t hurt anyone who didn’t deserve it. In fact, you’d seen him grant mercy on some occasions, though those were few and far between. Still, the girl was around your age. She reminded him of you; she had to. 

           The night progressed without so much as a shout from inside the cabin. Perhaps he was exercising silent horror. 

           Finally, you heard something. There was movement, the knocking over of chairs, and your father’s taunting voice. A moment later, the doors were pushed open. The girl stumbled out, staring at your father’s transformation in the moonlight. She was shoved right into your arms. She turned a frightened eye to your face, screeching as you squeezed her and turned her around to face the crew, making her watch them at work. 

           You held her there just long enough to give her a good look, then pushed her out into the fray. She tripped up, falling into a tarp. Her petite body flew into the air, ridiculously ballooned by the dress. Someone caught her while swinging by. 

           It was so well done, you wanted to applaud. The crew was getting a real kick out of scaring her. Sure, it was mean, but there was only so much entertainment to be had onboard the Pearl. One could only find so much humor in Pintel and Ragetti. 

           The girl stumbled to the stairs, attempting to hide under them, only to be screeched at by Jack the monkey. She flew out from under the staircase, right toward Captain Barbossa. Always one for the dramatic flair, he opened a bottle of rum and downed it, letting the alcohol slosh over his ribs. 

           “You’d best start believing in ghost stories, Miss Turner. You’re in one.” 

           Barbossa. The famed pirate captain, who led a successful mutiny and stole the Black Pearl from the command of a certain Jack Sparrow. Your father was dreaded among all men, and his name fell only from the most daring of people’s lips. It was said he could hear you call, a summons. This, of course, was not true, but it was fun to pretend.

           Being part of his family had its perks. Your name alone inspired fear into the hearts of men. You weren’t sure you’d done anything to deserve such fame, but your father’s name was enough to put people on their guard. Everyone knew that if they messed with you, they messed with him. It kept you out of trouble. Well, sometimes. 

           The truth was, he pushed hard for the curse to be cured. He’d spent years collecting every last bit of Aztec gold. That you’d found the Turner child was a miracle. You spent many long years wondering if you’d ever live a life without the curse. It was easy for him to say that he wanted to be free of it, but that wasn’t even half the reason for his efforts. 

           He did everything for you, his only child. He was dedicated to his cause. You’d only been a baby at the time of the mutiny and the theft of the treasure. You were only learning to walk when they sunk poor Bootstrap Bill. It wasn’t your fault the curse was upon you.

           You’d spent a lifetime not knowing what it was to feel. There was a time when Barbossa had owned a ring that allowed him to touch you so you could both feel it. You’d given that ring to someone else, when you got older. It didn’t improve their relationship with your father. Then again, nothing ever would, of that you were sure. Not even you. 

           Besides being Barbossa’s old captain, Jack Sparrow was the pirate you’d fallen head over heels for. He was as dashing as any prince, and he understood your lifestyle like many others couldn’t. Only a select few people were the children of infamous pirates. You both fit the category. 

           There was a certain way of life that came with growing up on a ship since the time you were an infant. For so long, you hadn’t known anything else. There was the ship, and there was the sea, and there were dots of land connected by strips of water. Beyond that, you couldn’t imagine landmasses. When you were younger, you’d pour over maps, trying to comprehend the vast amounts of dry earth that made up the world. You couldn’t fathom being in a place where you couldn’t see the ocean. Certainly it wasn’t possible to get out of sight of the sea. 

           You and Jack had a beautiful understanding of one another in this aspect. Your lives were so similar, though very, very different. You told yourself that he’d just lived more of his. Your lives mirrored one another, displaying what the other person could have been had they made different decisions. Yet, neither of you had made a decision that you regretted. 

           The waters were changing. There were a few gulls overhead. You could hear their wailing, but could not see them. The water should have been lighter as you neared land, but it became dark as pitch, and the sky above rolled with thunder. It wasn’t a welcoming sight, but you were glad to see it anyway. 

           This was the end. You’d struggled through so much to get here, and now, you could be free. You could live in some sort of peace, now. The looming rocks couldn’t suck the joy out of your belly. It was equally likely that the ship would crash on the rocks, but you preferred to think of the feeling of warmth. 

           Warmth. What an underrated feeling. You don’t know the meaning of warmth until it is gone from your life. What little remembrance you had of it, you clung to. It was the sensation of being enveloped, of being safe, and of being loved. It was a deep breath under the sun. It was muted sounds against the faint glow of torchlight, a drink in hand. It was the love you had for your father, and it was the love you had for Jack. Focusing on that memory, you helped unload the ship. You wanted it to be the first thing you felt. 

           It took too long to get the gold out of the ship. There were other things, too, and you hefted those treasures into the cave alongside their more metallic counterparts. You were growing impatient with the process. You wanted everything to be over, to not worry a moment longer about your life. You had forever, of course, to make things right, but forever is a long time with a little girl whose death would have been a long way off in the first place. 

           Once the treasure was empty, the crew filed into the cave. It was volcanic. The cavern had long since been carved out by lava that had snaked underneath the island, leaving tunnels as it oozed along in its winding path to nowhere. The entrance was right on the water, nearly hidden from view. But you’d been to the island before. To the very same cave. You’d always know the way. 

           A mound of treasure stood near a little river of water. Balanced on top was a great gold coffin, filled with gold pieces. It was worth a fortune, if you were willing to be cursed. Miss Turner stood behind it, a knife pressed to her throat. Barbossa was just behind her. 

           He addressed the crowd with flair, and cheers went up from all sides. You were ecstatic. Not only were you happy to be a real person again, as you’d never been since you were a babe, but you were proud of your father. He’d put in so much work. He deserved this, more than any of you. 

           Carefully, he took the girl’s hand in his own. You watched intently as he cut a razor-thin line through her palm. Blood dripped out of it, falling through her fingers. She held her injured hand in a tight fist, as if trying to keep any blood from spilling. She acted like it was gold. To everyone else in the room, it was worth so much more. 

           When the first drop of blood fell into the case, you held your breath. Yet, even as the seconds wore on, nothing happened. There was no sensation of freedom, as you’d thought there would be. 

           There was no warmth. 

           What did it mean? She was the one, wasn't she? But you felt unchanged. You were no different than you had once been. 

           The crowd jeered. They called for all her blood to be spilled, or for Barbossa to shoot someone. People were impatient, and they got louder by the second. 

           It was overwhelming. No, this can't be right. I would know if the curse were gone. Wouldn't I? 

           A smoke ring sat heavy in the air, preceded by a gunshot. Pintel looked down at his chest, a frown growing on his face. For a moment, there was only silence. 

           Your father was sharing some words with Elizabeth, but you couldn't hear them. You were too engrossed in the panic welling up inside your chest. 

           He hit her, and you flinched. It's not her fault. She was sent tumbling down the mound of gold. 

           The crew was restless, and a few members had the audacity to challenge your father. You bristled; like they could have done any better! Barbossa had done all he could to cure the curse. He hadn't known how things would end up. 

           Barbossa looked back over his shoulder, something like fear dancing in his eyes. "The medallion, she's taken it!" 

           That was all the prompting the crew needed to get moving. You were glad the attention had been taken off your father. 

           You were swept up with the crowd, headed toward the exit. Before you got there, everyone stopped. There, standing dizzily with a paddle in hand, was Jack Sparrow. Oh dear. He looked good, but a bit out of sorts. Just himself, then. 

           "Parloo." He held a finger up, trying to remember a word. "Parsnip, parsley, par…" 

           "Parlay?" You offered. The crowd turned to you, casting a collective scathing eye. Jack, however, only grimaced. 

           "Parley, that's it! Parlay."

           Barbossa appeared, and your stomach dropped. There was enough bad blood between him and Jack for things to go seriously wrong. 

           "How the blazes did you get off that island?"

           "When you marooned me on that godforsaken spit of land, you forgot one thing, mate. I'm cap'n Jack Sparrow."

           "I mistake I shan't be makin' again. Gents, you all remember Cap'n Jack Sparrow. Kill him."

           Barbossa doesn't make eye contact with you, and you're about to protest, bit Jack does that little hand gesture that makes everyone stop and listen. "The girl's blood didn't work, did it."

           "Hold your fire." You see many faces twist with disappointment. "You know whose blood we need."

           "I know whose blood you need."

           The sentence gives you hope. You're torn between going to Jack and going to your father. You didn't know who to face first. 

           As Barbossa turned to leave, you caught his sleeve, letting the crew file past him. "What does this mean for us?" You hissed. 

           He looked down at you, eyes softening. "It means we keep trying. We've been trying for a long time. We can wait."

           "Until we succeed?"

           "Have I ever not seen something through?"

           You felt weighed down by the events, but Jack's words combined with your father's gave you some hope. 

           "No."

[eldritchsurveys]

856.

1. do you think you were well raised?: >> I think it’s complex. I was taught a lot of useful things, particularly about the practical aspects of being an adult (although I had to repurpose some of that advice for my particular brain configuration, which was never accounted for by the advice-giver, because he never bothered considering that I really might not be able to do the same things he did, in the same way). And I was always fed, and always clothed, and was generally well taken care of physically. The problem is that physical and practical needs are only a part of the puzzle of raising a child, and if you skimp out on the emotional and social needs, you can end up with a real mess on your hands. It’s me. I’m the mess.

2. do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone?: >> I don’t really have any secrets. I’m just not particularly forthcoming about some things except in specific situations, but I don’t think those things are secrets. Just... sensitive information, not for mixed company.

3. how do you handle stress?: >> It depends on what kind of person I am at that moment. Sometimes I can navigate it with a little more grace than other times, and take care of myself. Other times, I might end up a wailing mess on the floor, unable to function. Other times, I might just shut down. Other times, somebody’s getting hurt (”somebody” is usually me, but not always).

4. how would you spend your last day alive?: I wouldn’t want to know if it was my last day alive. <–Same. How many non-suicides know exactly what day they’ll die anyway? <--

5. do you hide things well or do you have a guilty conscience?: >> What little conscience I have doesn’t really have much influence if I’m determined to hide something. If anything, it’ll motivate me to hide it more fiercely, to ensure that I will never be found out.

6. if there was true love on one side of the street and a million bucks on the other, which would you choose?: >> What. First of all, explain what the fuck “true love” is. None of you people ever do.

7. if your parents got divorced and you had to pick mom or dad to live with which one would you choose?: >> ---

8. if you had to choose between having one family member or 5 of your closest friends die who would you choose?: >> ---

9. do you think you could ever forgive someone who murdered a family member?: >> This survey is short enough that it seems like a full half of these questions will just be inapplicable to me. :x

10. what is the worst thing you’ve ever done that your parents don’t know about?: >> ---

11. do you think you know the meaning of true love?: >> This shit again?

12. the last time you kissed someone… was it someone you see yourself kissing again?: >> Yep.

13. when and who was your last kiss?: >> Can Calah, at some point.

14. what’s the most important part of a relationship in your opinion?: >> I don’t know, that’s not something I’ve given any serious thought.

15. are you one to kiss and tell?: >> Tell whomst? This blog? Like...

16. your most recent ex… you guys still friends?: >> No.

17. if your parents didn’t like the person you were dating.. would you lose em?: >> ---

18. do you see yourself ever being with someone you’ve been with before?: >> No.

19. if your best friend liked your ex, what would you do?: >> ---

20. would you say you were in love with your last boyfriend/girlfriend?: >> I wouldn’t say I was in love with anyone.

[cgcpoems]

October 2018 Horoscopes

LIBRA: Planning your future does not have to be a chore or dentist appointment that you dread going to. Oftentimes, in fact, tackling the road ahead is the easiest way to ease anxiety about walking forwards. You have your map, your compass, the north star in your back pocket -- what’s stopping you from being definitive in your actions? Why are you so unwilling to believe that you’re capable of taking care of yourself? Look around you, look at the loved ones you’ve carried through flame. They have grown in your arms. You can grow within yourself.

SCORPIO: It seems as though you’ve, once again, second guessed yourself into a corner. Intimidated by past wrongdoings and aches, your heart has become an all-consuming mess of perpetually wet paint just waiting to mark your feet with its color. But there are much worse things to have to wash off of your skin. Permanence is subjective, and something that often fools us into thinking it’s more of a problem than it actually is. You will never be clean again if you don’t take a chance and walk out of what hurts.

SAGITTARIUS: What do you say to yourself when nobody is watching? Imagine sending it to somebody that you love. Imagine their reaction, the way surprise would take over their face and then make way for betrayal. How the hurt would plague them, make them reconsider their ideas of who they are and what your relationship is to you. I know that you know where this is going. But instead of a lecture, I want you to write a letter to your best friend and then read it to your mirror. Make eye contact when you can. Repeat it until you believe in it.

CAPRICORN: Changing your hair and your aesthetic every time something distresses you isn’t going to alter how you react to your environment. It just buries the root of the issue under hair dye and scissors and everything shiny. Just because things are beautiful on the surface, it doesn’t mean that everything underneath is beautiful too. Sometimes the most well-kept of us have the worst pain, and we don’t bother to ask them how they are because, well, they don’t look like they need it. Who are you in spite of your skin? Be it. Loudly.

AQUARIUS: Answer this question: what do you want? Now, answer this one: what do you really want? They aren’t always the same thing, are they? Modifying your desires for the sake of convenience or due to outside influences is something that affects you more than you realize. Someday you will look back on all of the comfortable paths you chose and regret ignoring the voice in your head saying “maybe we should reconsider this.” Your true aspirations are valid and achievable as long as you commit to them.

PISCES: It isn’t your job to mask your emotions in order to keep the peace with loved ones, or make strangers feel at ease. I know that prioritizing others is the only thing you’ve ever known, but once in a while you need to listen to what your body is telling you. And sometimes I know that what you’re told are some ugly things -- loneliness, dread, fear. Sugar coating that only makes it harder to confront, and isolates you from those that care. It’s okay to feel bad, and it’s okay to talk about it. Please, please talk about it.

ARIES: You’ve previously been told that your impulsive nature is something to criticize rather than celebrate, but I want you to know that it’s okay to be who you are. It’s okay to buy the plane ticket at three in the morning, to drive to a town you’ve never been to just to order a milkshake, to tell that person how you feel, loudly and without shaking. When you try and stifle the aspects of your personality that make you feel like yourself, it can only lead to problems and heartache. Embrace what makes you wild. Pursue it.

TAURUS: There are ticket stubs and birthday cards lining the walls of your memory and yet you still wonder why it’s been so long since you’ve felt at ease in your body. How can you expect yourself to move on if you don’t confront the reality of your situation, if you don’t acknowledge the faces you’ve crossed out of your photographs and the past you have had to burn to the ground? In the wake of your wreckage you do not have to rebuild from the ashes. You can find fresh materials. You can be brand new again.

GEMINI: Faith is a concept that has always seemed to trouble you, for good reason. It can be difficult to know exactly where to place it, and who to trust it with, and inevitably we have lapses in judgment. But just because you have handed your soft to the wrong pair of hands, that doesn’t mean you should discard it altogether. Faith is so much more than believing in something unknowable -- it is, primarily, a belief in one’s self and our innate ability to thrive despite our own ignorance and faults. You do not have to be perfect in order to be worth listening to.

CANCER: It is not your responsibility to fix people, no matter how much you care about them, and sometimes the best thing you can do for those that you love is give them the space to heal on their own terms. Your need to help those in pain is not a curse or reason to hide from the world, but you must remember that certain boundaries will always exist between bodies. There is a difference between being a shoulder to cry on and forcing yourself into a situation that may not ask for you. You are not abandoning anybody by taking a step back.

LEO: You tend to idolize the people you love, turn them into gods in a world where everybody is mortal and you are the most mortal of them all. There is a solid line that exists between the showering someone with affection and treating them as though they are more than human. Remember that the most solid relationships are the ones that strive to be a partnership, rather than an adoration that clogs your sense of individuality or prevents you from rising to your full potential. Take off the rosy glasses and polish up your reading ones.

VIRGO: Nobody can read your mind or know exactly what your intentions are unless you’re open to revealing them and explaining yourself. What you view as being a helpful suggestion can easily be seen as harsh criticism by somebody that you aren’t incredibly close to. Don’t get defensive when people tell you how you have upset them. Listen, explain where you were coming from, learn, and remind yourself that you are not difficult to be around or difficult to love because of how you express yourself. There is always tomorrow.

[marshmallowprotection]

How do you think the RFA (+ V if you don’t mind) would do with a MC who has brittle bone disease? What would they do if MC broke something?

Oh, another Anon who wants an ask like this! I love writing for people who struggle with their own chronic illnesses because nobody ever really writes stuff for us. I did my best and I hope I have a kind of accurate experience here for you? I love you guys, I want you to know that you are valid, and if somebody is ableist towards you, never put up with that. Whether you have a visible disability or an invisible disability, you are valid and deserve all the love in the world.

Yoosung Kim

° When you tell him he isn’t sure what to think. That’s not any bad thoughts on his part he’s just not been around a lot of people with physical issues that are young. He’s has a few preconceived notions but they’re mostly defined by his ignorance and confusion. Yoosung assumes that you must bruise easily and have to be extra careful when you’re doing anything extraneous.

° That’s not exactly how that works but he’s got some kind of idea that’s close enough that you could correct him with some minor education, and that little bit of effort would make the world of difference with him. Once he knows what he’s doing he is a great support system.

° One afternoon while you’re with Yoosung, you’re working in the kitchen and you accidentally overextend your hand. You can feel the familiar pain before it seemingly happens. You wind up with a fractured finger all because you gripped something a little too hard.

° “Oops.” is the only thing that you can say.

° Yoosung who was oblivious to this could only stare at you holding your bruised hand in terror, “…Y/N, what do you mean oops?”

° You just look back at him. “Well… I may or may not have broken my finger. It’s a surprise.”

° Needless to say, you’re the one that is calm and collected while Yoosung is the one that panics. It’s just his instinctual response. He’ll get you the care that you need it will just take him a few minutes of babbling before you can calm him enough to get it together. He’s very empathetic and it’s almost like he can feel more of what you’re feeling at that very moment and he’s doing what you would have done if you weren’t used to this happening.

° Yoosung is a mess but he’s somebody that cares about you with all of his heart. He’ll do his best to take care of you when you need his help!

Zen

°Oh… so what you’re telling him is that you have to be gentle with yourself otherwise you’ll get hurt. It isn’t your fault that these happen but you have to deal with them as they come. Zen cannot possibly imagine what that’s like for you, but he’ll be the first one to try to understand what you’re going through. He has to be careful with his own body thanks to his own condition, you know, he fries a little too easily in the sun and some lights can be hell on his eyes.

° But in regards to you… his instinct, however, is to put you on a pedestal and do everything for you. That can be grating even though it comes from a positive place; You’ll just have to be upfront with him about how you can handle yourself. He means well. You know that. It can just come out wrong sometimes.

° Zen will go through the motions just as you do and put that fear in the back of his head. Of course, he’ll tell himself that he’s prepared for an inevitable outcome but he. is. not. at. all. Zen absolutely cannot handle the idea much less a reality where his MC gets hurt. It makes that it that much more difficult to handle when it really does happen.

° At least he manages to keep his cool when you keep your cool. As long as you are level headed then he is pretty much calm. Today just wasn’t going to be your day. You weren’t clumsy by nature and you typically went out of your way to watch your step as you walked but for some reason today was just not a good day for you and you wound up tripping over a crack in the pavement and twisting your poor ankle. It’s obvious to you that you likely went down too hard and there might be some damage on your insides.

° Zen is quick to your side, but you insist that you’re alright but all you can do is mutter a few soft curses underneath your breath and groan in disdain. It wasn’t the most graceful way to happen but its not like you ever have a say with it. “Are you serious, body? And after all the work I put in with you… ugh. One fall breaks it all.”

° “Have no fear, your prince is here, Jagiya!” Zen, are you going to hoist your MC up and walk her all the way to get that checked out? Yes? Oh. Okay. I see how it is. At least you’re dedicated to your craft.

° Zen is worried about you when you get hurt, and he really will do as much as he can to make you feel alright about it. He hates it when you feel awful or when you cry. He’ll be the one to try and keep happy for you, just so you don’t feel like everything is out of place.

Jaehee Kang

° Jaehee hadn’t heard of your condition before but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t read up on it when you mention it to her in passing when you’re chatting on the phone. She assumes that you must have a difficult time handling everything. She wants to educate herself further and learn more about what makes your life what it is; Of course, she’ll inquire you from you as well, because it’s always good to hear what’s the best way to handle things from the source.

° She isn’t as abrasive as some others might be when it comes to treating you as you are. Jaehee knows that you’re more than capable of functioning on your own, and it would be wrong to assume that you couldn’t.

° She is the most steadfast and controlled in a chaotic situation. Her brain might be on alert or popping but she manages to keep a straight face in the face of whatever is happening around her in that instance. If you can keep your cool then things can be diffused sooner or later. That’s the sort of rationale that she uses to get by, and has for a long time. In that same regard, she wants to apply the same theory to you if you have an accident.

° There’s no stopping you from working as hard as you do in the cafe at her side. All she asks is that you act carefully in order to minimize any incidents. Haha. You promised you would but today happened to be one of those days when you couldn’t help it. In short, let’s just say that it involved some heavy bags of supply and your inability to give up on what you were doing.

° Jaehee found you loudly cursing, that was out of character, clutching your now aching limb with a sheepish smile on your face. The first reaction is to ask you if you’re okay, “Y/N, are you okay? I heard some loud noises but-”

° You can only explain yourself, a little embarassed and very red-faced, what you had done. “Well, you see… the thing is…”

° She sighs in that way that only you understand, and holds out her hand in your direction. “We’re going to get that checked out.”

° Jaehee means well, and she often worries about you. That’s because she cares about you very much and she wants you to experience as little to no pain as you can. It’s not because you need anyone to do that for you, its because of how much she cherishes you.

Jumin Han

° For Jumin, it’s about everything that he can do for you that will make your life simpler and more comfortable. He realizes that your struggle in your day to day can be difficult at times when you least want it to be. He’s a little guilty of the same thing that Zen is guilty of, he wants to protect you from anything that could hurt you but nobody can do that. Things have the tendency of just happening to you and you won’t let that fear control every aspect of your life as it’s tried to do in the place. It’s okay to be hesitant or to take things with a few extra steps if that’s what helps you, but you can’t live your life in a gilded cage.

° But just as you do in his route, you have to reassure him and remind him of the reality of everything. With a lot of careful discussions and treating him as he deserves, he’ll come around and understand your perspective and lay off his inevitable onslot.

° Oh, boy. Today had started off like it was going to be like any other day but that's shoved to the side the moment that you fell flat on your face. You braced yourself with your hands and now you kind of regretted that because everything aches and you're just silently praying that nothing is broken. Giving it a test, it doesn't feel like it's broken but it definitely needs a compress and ice. So that's what you wind up doing lost of the day just trying to combat the pain.

° When it didn't go away, that's when you figured it was wrong. And when Jumin finds you tending to yourself when Elizabeth the Third at your side it doesn't take much for him to guess what's wrong.

° "Y/N." Jumin is giving you this look of concern, and something else that you can't quite identify. "Did you injure yourself?"

° With a heavy sigh, you just nod your head and let him cart you away.

° Jumin works well under pressure in some regard! He can keep it together as long as he needs to even if its hard, there's only a few things that make it incredibly hard to maintain that level of professionalism. When it involves you, V, Elizabeth, or the RFA, it's harder for him to deal with it. When all is said and done, he needs some gentle reassurance and kisses to put reminded that its okay.

° In the end, Jumin has the most intent and plans in regards to future incidents. He'll be sure to get you things you need to ease your accidents and the best care possible if you so choose to take him up on the offer. He cares in a very specific manner and I'm sure you wouldn't have it any other way.

Saeyoung Choi

° It’s something that he comes across in his research of your background and instantly those alarm bells are going off in his head. It’s seemingly more a reason to try to stay away from you to keep you from getting hurt more then you do, but alas, the heart wants what the heart wants and he winds up with you in spite of how hard he tried not to do it for your own sake. He figures it out firsthand that nobody should underestimate you because of something that is out of your control. You’re more than capable.

° Seven really doesn’t like the idea of you getting hurt at all. But your own body is fighting you every day. It’s not utterly out of your control but its a very slim kind of hold. He goes out of his way to make you little things that make it easier for you, and by little, I mean he’s making a hell of a lot of things… is it a good excuse for robots? Probably.

° He hadn’t seen you properly in three weeks, and the moment that he had a chance to go and catch up with you he is surprised to see a cast on your leg. Needless to say, he begins to ask you in rapid fire succession, what happened, who hurt you, what’s broken, or is it just fractured, can I do anything, do you need anything?

° His eyes are worried. “Y/N. I would have been here if I knew this happened!”

° You wave off the look he’s giving you right then. You know how worried he can get when he wants to. Which is why you didn’t exactly tell him the extent of your injury on the phone when you spoke. “I’m fine. I’m totally fine, Saeyoung! I just tripped over my own two feet in my apartment, it’s not a really big deal. I didn’t wanna worry you.”

° “Well, now I am.” Seven replies.

° He understands why you wouldn’t have told him. Seven would have put everything down to come to you. He’s been trying to sort things out with his brother this entire time and he had to dedicate all if not most of his energy to that endeavor. You understood that, and not letting it slip to him kept his head in a better space. In some regard you were right. Seven just hated that you were going through things alone.

° It makes him dedicate himself to working harder to put everything back together. He is just very compassionate about two things in his life and you happen to be one of those things. He’s always going to be looking out for you when you need him and when you don’t.

Jihyun Kim

° It's just one thing that he never expected himself to ever be content with his life ever again, and its another thing entirely when that ideology is thrown right out of the window by your sudden appearance to his side. For V, it was like he could start over. You're like this perfect person in Jihyun's world and he wouldn't have it any other way then that. He just didn't expect you to be afflicted with your own kind of troubles that you couldn't get rid of either. It's not a bad thing. He just never thought someone as kind as you could be in so much pain. It really puts a lot into perspective for him again, and like some of the other RFA member's reactions, he needs to change some of his ideas about the world and the people in it.

° You tell him that you've got some difficulties with your body. It's too easy for you to fracture things and worse, break things. You could be doing something simple and the smallest miscalculation might have you in a cast for a few weeks. There is only so much that you can do to combat that. His reaction is to respect your choices. You know how to handle yourself and you'll know what to do, but that doesn't mean he doesn't worry about your health. He often worries that you might get hurt and he wouldn't be there to help you out. It's reflective of some of his feelings towards his Mom when he was a kid.

° Those fears are probably realized when you come to see him and you've got your wrist wrapped up. You smile sheepishly and admit that you had hit something too hard and in return you earned a small split.

° His face is lined with those fears at that moment. "Y/N, are you alright?"

° "Of course," you tell him. "I know you're probably feeling like I'm not but I swear I'm okay. Just a little accident and it'll be back to normal in a little while."

° His reaction is this calm, and quiet one. However, on the inside he is feeling so many things that he can't even quite process them all. On the one hand when you get hurt he's always relieved to know that you take it without fear, but he always fears that you might get hurt too much one of these days and it'll be too hard to recover. You'll have to really speak with him about this often to make sure those feelings are out in the open and spoken about with great care to your health and his.

° Jihyun is grateful that you're in this life and he really wants you to live in comfort for the rest of your days. You deserve that. Just like you'll tell him he deserves that when he forgets to imply for himself. He's going to make mistakes but he'll do his best to do the right thing.

💜 Mod Kait 💜

[claire-de-macarune]

Get ready kids because somebody called for all the Hayley Kiyoko asks

sleepover: have you ever liked a friend as more than a friend? did you tell them? if it was in the past, do you wish that you told them?

Ugghhhh yea. I’ve told some and not others. The current one is rough because she’s straight (?) and we talked about her boy problems and i just wanted her to be happy, so i worked some fairy gaymother magic and now they’re dating which is… yeah.

I just kinda sucked it up and made a playlist into which i deposit all my sad gay pining. It’s about three hours long and Sleepover is the first track.

curious: do you drink? what’s your favourite drink? what drink isn’t your thing?

I am a connoisseur of fine juices. ;)

I’m a big smoothie girl, so a mango smoothie bubble tea is probably my fave. I like sodas or bitter things, for the most part. I’m a wine mom type and definitely think that it will be my alcohol go-to once I’m of age,

girls like girls: what’s your sexuality? how did you discover it? or have you just always known?

I’m a lesbean. :)

My first crush was Daphne from Scooby-Doo (i’ve given you that information, now use it wisely. by which i mean, don’t use it. please god.), so that was a landmark. I kind of always subconsciously know, but growing up I didn’t actually know what being LGBT+ was because my parents never made a big deal about it. We have straight friends, we have gay friends, so I wasn’t aware that sexuality and discourse around it was even a thing until I was around twelve. 

feelings: how do you think others perceive you? how do you perceive yourself? 

People find me intimidating because I’m confident, intentional, verbose, and organized. That’s how I like it.

I alternate between between our class emotional support animal and class cryptid, and it’s the most fun thing ever. I am both mom and monster muahahaha

gravel to tempo: have you come out to anyone? if yes, who was the first person you told? if no, do you want to? who would you tell first?

I don’t actually remember first coming out to anyone in particular. There was one time when my group of friends (3 other girls) and i were having a sleepover and they were all like, “we’re bi” and i was like “what’s that” and they were like “we like girls too” and i was like “cool. i mean, personally i think boys suck and look like potatoes carved by a toddler and when i entertain the notion of kissing or marrying one i would literally rather eat sandpaper for the rest of my life, but cool” and they were like “how are you so comfortable with this? a lesbian GOD!” and i just went with it.

(for the record, it wasn’t a trendy thing and they were really scared and all felt really gross about it bc their religious families taught them that being gay was wrong and didn’t talk about bisexuality at all so i went out and did some research and came back and assured them that everything they were feelign was valid and okay and we were really safe spaces for each other in that shitty middle school time when everything is just awful. nothing but love and respect for my first priestesses and bi babes!)

pretty girl: who was the most recent crush you had? do you still like them? did you tell them/do you want to tell them?

(see sleepover. this song is also on the playlist.)

what i need: who are your favourite gay artists? what are your favourite gay songs?

Well, Hayley Kiyoko (obviously), Janelle Monae, and King Princess are the big ones. I’m always open to hearing more! Honorable mentions to “Know Your Name” by Mary Lambert, “Crimson and Clover” by Joan Jett, and the soundtrack of Fun Home (even though it’s got some problematic things with predatory gays) because I cry every time I listen to it, especially on “Changing My Major”, “Days and Days and Days”, and fuckin “Telephone Wire” (“Come to the Fun Home” is a whole bop. Only gay in that I, a certified gay, enjoy it.)

ease my mind: what makes you feel at peace? what is your perfect future like? what do you do at the end of a long day to unwind?

Reading, writing (in theory lol), drawing, and singing relax me (dance too, but I’m not allowed to do it anymore cuz I’m broken). I also recently started teaching myself the guitar.

I don’t really have a set perfect future, but honestly, I’d take one in which we avoid nuclear winter, world war III, and climate change. The more I think about growing up, the more skeptical I become about whether I’ll actually get to do it and that’s insanely scary.

let it be: who was your worst heartbreak? have you ever been in love? do you even believe in love?

TW: suicide

One of my best friends (⅓ of my nervous bi darlings) ended her life almost two years ago. So that fuckin’ messed me up.

I don’t know. Usually, I’d say I think I’m kind of young to really even know how, but that’s not quite true. I guess I’ll say that I have loved but I haven’t yet been in love. Theoretically speaking, there’s so much of my life ahead of me that the probability of having that experience so early, especially with a limited romantic pool (being a queer poc in the south), is low.

And I’ve just recently fallen in love with myself, thus heightening my standards. I’ve been awful about getting into relationships in the past because i was afraid of saying no and hurting that person’s feelings, but lately i value my own happiness above the appeasement of others to my detriment. I just feel like I’m still learning and getting comfortable in that space, and the opportunity hasn’t really presented itself yet. But i think that it’s possible, someday. I’m a hopeful hopeless romantic.

cliff’s edge: what’s on your bucket list? where would like to travel? what makes your heart race?

I want to try everything at least once. I want to learn how to be the truest, most fully-realized version of myself I can. I don’t have a set list of life, I just hope it will be some kind of spectacular.

I want to see the world. Everywhere. But beyond that, I want to be a part of it. I want to be a true global citizen, experience a life past myself every day. I dream of having the freedom to continuously explore and grow in hopes of doing some good, internally or externally, along the way.

he’ll never love you: were you ever in denial about your sexuality? were you ever in denial of a crush? do you like to talk about your crushes to your friends?

Not denial, per se, I just didn’t know what was going on. It was a pretty straightforward, comfortable call once I had the information I needed.

I’m able to employ logic in most situations and strip myself of an unwanted crush using that, but most i’m aware of and suffer in silence.

Yesss. I’m bad at making those kinds of decisions by myself and having people who genuinely care ask me questions or even just talk to me about it helps me process. Often, this results in being teased about said crush, but I don’t mind.

wanna be missed: how dependent or independent are you in a relationship? do you like a lot of space, or a lot of intimacy? how do you feel about electronic (vs face to face) communication?

Ummm, I kinda tend to lead, just because that’s what I’m accustomed to. It’s a role I fill because everyone else avoids it in the other arenas of my life, so I’ve mostly been independent and directing in my relationships. This last one actually threw me for a loop because the dynamic was flipped; they were so sweet and thoughtful and proactive in romancing me i didn’t really know what to do with myself. I’ve gotten over the initial shock (now, what, 5? 6 months later?) and found that I liked that too.

I like a healthy balance of distance and closeness. Fun fact: my love languages are quality time and physical touch, so when i’m with someone i pretty much just want to cuddle with them all the time. I don’t know, it really depends on the person and the relationship and whatever is going on with me individually.

I’m cool with digital communication, but i’m also a granny when it comes to technology so I can have a little trouble with more nuanced text/social media culture. Also, my phone is always on silent (not even vibrate, because i’m wacky like that) so if you want an immediate answer, face-to-face is better. Also the physical touch thing, also that way i can read expressions better.

Bonus: i can also hold your hand and kiss your cute face!

under the blue/take me in: are you happy where you are right now? if you could change one thing about your life, what would it be? what’s your favourite aspect of yourself?

I mean, I’d rather not be in constant debilitating pain, I (apparently) have some tangling with anxiety i need to do, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I’m a lot better than I have been, and I’m grateful for that. I don’t know if true happiness is a consistent, determinable state, but I take what I can get.

I don’t think there’s one big thing I would change. It’s more like a handful of small things. But if I had to choose, I’d fix whatever is wrong with my spine/neck/whatever. I feel like I’m on the cusp of my life finally beginning and I’m trapped by something as trivial as my body. It’s exhausting and I really need it to be over. It feels selfish, but I could do the most good for myself and others if I could put this behind me.

Favorite aspect of myself? That’s like asking me to pick a favorite book! Or child! Impossible: that’s a trick question. Sure, she’s a batshit, messy bitch, but I love myself. She and I are in it for the long run. ;)

palace: who is your favourite memory? what’s your favourite story with/about them? why don’t you two speak anymore?

The first girl I ever loved is mostly a memory now. It’s hard to pick a favorite story about her, but our first kiss story is pretty soft and gay, kind of like something out of a fairytale or a tropey fic, so I guess I’ll say that.

We had just finished seventh grade. 

Some background: That April, we went to D.C. for our annual class trip. There were ten of us and only four girls, so we all shared a hotel room (and they were roommates!) We split the beds (we’d all known each other for seven years, it was just like sharing with a sister) and stayed up super late, intermittently playing truth or dare and talking about life. She and I philosophized into the early morning (there was only one bed!!), she told me she liked me, and I fell asleep before I could do anything about it. Apparently, we ended up cuddling, because when I woke up, i was warm because she’d wrapped around me (and drooled down my collarbone, but whatever).

Okay, so, every spring, after graduation, our school had a picnic at the park down by a shallow length of the river where the kids would swim after lunch. We hadn’t done anything about our feelings yet, and I was leaving for another school. She took me around the bend in the river and we swam into the basin there. She wasn’t as strong a swimmer as I was, so she put her arms around my neck, and I held us both up in water deeper than both of us were tall. She said she was going to miss me, and then she kissed me. For a while.

Then, we saw a snake and frantically flailed to shore, laughing until our lungs hurt.

We don’t talk anymore because she became mentally unstable soon after that, and it wasn’t safe for either of us to continue interacting. I’ve seen her a few times since, but I don’t anticipate that we’ll ever be that close again, and that’s okay.

mercy/gatekeeper: what was a difficult time in your life? what did you do/what are you doing to get through it? who has been the most helpful?

&

molecules: have you ever lost anyone close to you? if yes, how did it feel at the time and how does it feel now to talk about them? do you fear death?

TW: suicide

One of my childhood best friends killed herself in the first month of our freshman year. It was totally out of the blue, and the timing was absolutely horrible. I was just getting everything I wanted, I was having the time of my life and then everything just stopped in its tracks. Except it didn’t. The world kept turning and she was gone and I had lab reports due and she was gone and there were play rehearsal and holidays and deadlines and life incessantly barreling forward and she was gone. I woke every morning with a pit in my stomach, I didn’t sleep, I didn’t eat. It was like something had been cut open inside me and life was just pouring out behind me but I couldn’t feel any of it. And no one else around me seemed to care. Every day I felt like I was dying. I couldn’t think, I couldn’t breathe, and everyone else had a smile on their face and laughed like it was nothing and complained about stubbing toes and bad grades and fighting with their parents.

I don’t really know how I got through it. I mean, I went to therapy, but it didn’t really help. I couldn’t talk to people about it, even when I wanted to. I couldn’t cry for the longest time. I wrote about it some. I left her voicemails. I raged through glass recycling. I guess I just trudged on, dragged myself onward because stopping wasn’t an option. Because if I did, even for a moment, I wouldn’t have enough strength to start again.

I’m better now, I guess. I can talk about it and her and I feel mostly human most days, but it’s still a presence in my life I wish I could escape. I still don’t know where they buried her.

I do not fear death.

one bad night: do you like casual or serious relationships? have you ever done anything illegal, wrong, or stupid for the sake of love?

Hoo boy, I’m bad at casual relationships. I get too attached (*feelings plays in the background*), and it becomes serious. Oddly enough, it doesn’t really scare people away. The older I get the further I’ll probably get from playful dalliances, but every once in a while, as the stakes are low, I’m down for just having fun and enjoying someone’s company.

palm dreams: do you like parties or quiet nights in? would you want to/did you stay in your hometown after moving out? what’s your ideal saturday night like?

I am an introverted smol, and big parties make me nervous. I can handle and even enjoy the odd bash here and there, but too many too often wears me out. Smaller groups are better, but my favorite size is a book or maybe one other human.

Nooooooo, man, I am going to college out of state, far away, and I am not moving back here. I love my city dearly, but I need to find my own corner of the sky. :)

I love a night at the theatre, preceded by a quiet dinner with a couple close friends and followed by something sweet, some tea, and reading a good book with my feline.

[sburbian-sage]

That’s No Moon, A Guide On Planets, Lands, And Other Cosmic Bodies

The game of SBURB has several solar entities in it. If you thought your dinky 1 Sun and 8/9 Planets/1 Sun, 1 Planet, and 2 Moons was cool, get ready for a lot more than that.

Earth/Alternia/Beforus/Other

This is “your” planet in the sense that you and your species inhabit this place. Less nostalgic people would imply that it doesn’t belong to you in the slightest. And one could argue they’re right because this shit is going fast. As soon as the game begins, meteors encroach on your home world and begin doing what meteors do, and destroy it and kill all life aboard. It’s important that you begin the entry phase. Not that you’ll die (the game always ensures you at least enter your Land), but it’s not going to be pretty to scrape by.

Catastrophe Aver- NOT!

In some cases, meteors are not how your planet meets its end. Don’t relax yet, as the game always ensures destruction of the home planet. Cases have been reported of planets with anti-meteor technology, psionics deflecting the meteors, or other such cases, and always after the calm, the storm brews. Some of the examples are fascinating.

An Elder Horrorterror reaches out and begins to drag the planet into the collective maw of the Others.

Tremors come forth, and the planet explodes with a new cosmic body at the center. Sometimes it’s someone’s Land (and the Land Owner may take it personally), the Ocean Star (the Star player will be okay with it because Stars), the Battlefield, or even the Black King.

In the case of Alternians, Her Imperious Condescension usually puts and end indirectly. Her Lusus is always possessing of some unfathomable power, and if allowed, can/will destroy the planet with it.

The planet up and flies into the sun like a piece of shit for no reason.

The Land of X and Y

After you properly enter the game, you will find your house on some strange new world, often seeming unnatural, and possessing of a really nifty theme. This is your Land. It follows the naming convention above. Inside you will find

Aesthetics™

Dumbass Talking Animals (your Consorts)

Weird Puzzle Shit

Lots Of Walking

DUNGEONS

More Weird Puzzle Shit

Even More Dumbass Enemies (Underlings)

Emotional Turmoil

Your Corpse Inevitably

Shining Flying Whale Dildos (Angels)

Even More Weird Puzzle Shit

A Very Tall Bed (Quest Bed)

Godlike Douchebag Thing (Denizen)

Inquire or see other guides for the individual things listed within.

Why The Stupid Name?

Blow off the name is cool. It’s tailored after two things. One relating to your Aspect. So Heart probably gets “Love” or “Emotions” or “Masks” or somesuch, while Might would get “Waves”, “Floods”, or “Challenges”. The other one relates to your role in the sesssion, your quest, or something else about you specifically. So if you’re the glue to the session, you’ve probably got Cracks or Divisions. It’s rather intuitive.

But it is also stupid because this doesn’t apply after the first session. You get some other guy’s Land, and that sucks, but oh well.

The Land of Sorrow and HNNNNG

As befitting SBURB’s amazing failsafes, sometimes it generates modifiers that mess the game up, throw curveballs, or outright kill you. Kids and Fun. Look out if any of the following appear as an X or Y.

Angels: Oh shit. Normally Angles stay underground. But now they feel like sitting around in the sky like the assholes they are. All the rules about Angels applies here, except that The Law is not as overbearing. Not overbearing, but not absent. You can listen to music or own liquids, but don’t attack them. That’s begging for trouble.

Glog'oht: OH SHIT. You know how bad it is to get Angels? This is worse. The Others plant their tentacled eldritch asses directly on your Land. I recommend just leaving and not coming back until they leave or something.

On the other hand, you know how Angel and Other corruption cancel each other out? If you get “The Land of Angels and Glog’oht”, then it’s perfectly safe to walk around. If you have Glog’oht, crack your planet open and let the Angels clear them out.

[Weather/Time of Day]: If you get something along the lines of Rain, Sunshine, or Fog, then guess what you’re going to encounter in your Land. Also, if you get Daylight, Nightfall, or similar, then you can make an educated guess as to what your Land will be like. This usually isn’t deadly, but it can be a nuisance. Trolls won’t have to worry about being fried by the light, but it will hurt, get some shades. Similarly, the rain or snow isn’t in a torrent, but it will get you wet or cold slightly. Just plan accordingly and get used to it.

Additional note on the day/night cycles. Your Land has ambient light depending on your sleepiness. It will be day when you are awake, it will go down when you’re sleepy, become night when you sleep, and becomes day when you wake up. Obviously, your Land will now be stuck in one state. So take care of yourself or set a timer, because your Land won’t regulate your sleep schedule for you now.

Wrath: Good News, your Echeladder and Strifing ability will skyrocket. Bad News, literally everything on the planet is pissed off. They will attack on sight and won’t stop until one or both parties is dead. Don’t even think of entering an Atomyk Ebonpyre.

Critical NPCs like Consorts and the Denizen will not attack on sight, but they will be belligerent.

Pumpkins:

Peace: Every deadly NPC looks docile and nonhostile. That means your Underlings and bosses will look safe to be around. Note that I put focus on looks. Because if you’re dumb enough to be given the Killer Rabbit treatment in the Kids and Fun game, you kind of deserve it.

[Your Aspect]: Despite this making complete sense that your planet would just namedrop your Aspect, this is actually pretty horrible. Firstly, because this generates on somebody else’s Land. This causes a lot of identification issues for you and the other guy. Secondly, don’t visit there. The Land does not quite like you, and you’ll glitch into the walls and through floors and stuff. Just keep your distance.

X and Y and Z: Sometimes your Land goes braindead and gives your THREE keywords because apparently two wasn’t good enough for you. For some reason, this goes on Space Lands automatically. It tries to replace the Aspect Keyword with Frogs, but it just adds one more, but the last two keywords overlap and it’s unreadable on your Land. Players with the ability to scry on game data can see it accurately though, and at worst you can just guess.

And for some reason, if this happens on a non-Space Land, it’s correctly formatted as “X and Y and Z” instead of “X and YZ”, go figure.

The Golden Towers - Prospit

When you got to sleep after the game starts (and sometimes before if you’re a special little thing), you “wake up” on a gigantic piss-yellow eyesore of a planet. This is the Dream Moon of Prospit, and it also has a moon attached via chain even though I’m pretty sure that isn’t how that works. This Dream Moon has several features itself, like Lands.

Gigantic Letters That Spell Out The Name Of The Moon: In case you were confused. This is also the limit to how far you can fly away unless your Dreamself is the only living Self you have, you’ve [Earned Your Wings] in the flying lessons quest, or you’re a Hope Player.

Your Unconscious Body: If you’re a Prospit Dreamer, then you’ll wake up on Prospit. It’s as simple as that. Use this opportunity to chill out from the stress of being awake, do Moon Quests to build reputation, or do other things. If SBURB is a game (and it is), then being on a Dream Moon is like doing mini-games. Unless you want to fly off to go back, but that doesn’t have a lot of advantages unless you’re clever (which you should be).

Your Friend’s Unconscious Bodies: Some of your friends are here too. If they aren’t, they’re dead or on Derse. If you two are awake at the same time, then go have fun. If they have an active but sleeping Dreamself, then you CAN wake them up, but it knocks them out in the real world, so maybe don’t do that.

There’s a rumour that a Dreamself can activate an inactive Dreamself by kissing them. This is not true. Either someone is a fairytale romantic, is confused about corpsesmooching, or is laughing wildly that about a hundred kids are macking on Dreamselves. Stop it.

Collective Dum Dum: A weird quirk is that when you are a Dreamself, one of two things tend to happen. Either you become a flanderized version of yourself, or you go stupid like an actual dream. None are very constructive when it comes to collaboration or trying to get shit done.

White Chess People: They’re cheery, in spite of the fact they all know they’re doomed to fail.

Useless Assholes: There’s anywhere from 3 to 8 Prospitian Agents to the 4 Derse Agents. They’re supposed to be carrying out the will of the Prospitian Royalty, and also help/hinder the players depending on the circumstances. They’re supposed to, but they mostly spend a lot of time doing random bullshit shenanigans due to a glitched out [Shenanigans_AI] stat.

White Royalty: The White Queen and White King respectively. They’re helpful to your cause, but doomed to fail.

Another Moon Chained To The Main Moon: THAT’S NOT HOW THAT WORKS.

Portents Of The Future/Blindness: Sometimes, Prospit comes close to Skaia. During these times, you can gaze into the clouds of Skaia and see visions of the past, present, and future. An amazing time to get information on what’s going on, and it’s just relaxing too. Whatever you do though, stay inside when the two eclipse. It’s BRIGHT and you will go blind. Especially if you’re a Seer, because the game likes blowing your eyes up.

The Mail: It never fails. Seriously, those mailmen and mailwomen do more than you ever do in any of your Sessions.

Towers That Kill You If You Get Too Close: There exist [Number of Players/2] yellow towers with white orbs on Prospit. Everytime a player enters with a prototyped kernelsprite, they light up. Very useful for figuring out how far everyone is into the game. However, this is where a lot of critical information is stowed. The game actually took a precaution, and protects these towers. The only problem is that it does this by instantly killing you when you get close. Not ever Denizens pull that kind of stunt. All of the towers are on boxes, so as long as you don’t touch or come near the boxes, you’ll be okay.

The Obsidian Towers - Derse

This is similar to Prospit, except it has a few crucial differences, listed here.

A Bearable Colour Scheme: Seriously that bright yellow hurts my eyes.

Black Chess People: They are NOT cheery.

Murderous Assholes: Unlike the 3-8 functionally useless Prospit Agents, there are a concrete 4 Derse Agents. And they actually do what they’re supposed to do for the most part. Unfortunately, that’s hindering and even attempting to kill you. While their names vary, they each have the same quirks, personality, and looks to separate them.

CD is probably the least dangerous, as he really likes hats, often defuses conflicts, and is kind of an idiot. Don’t discount him though. He has access to tons of explosives, and usually strikes once people stop treating him like a threat. It’s unknown if he’s putting up a front and this is his form of tactics, or if he just suddenly remembers he’s supposed to kill you after a while.

HB is also kind of low, but for the wrong reasons. He’s forward, tactless, and raw. Everyone else plans before doing something, but he just goes for it. It doesn’t hurt that he’s built like a brick shithouse and can horrifically unhinge his jaw to bite chunks out of people. It’s actually kind of nauseating. In spite of his tremendous strengths, he has some glaring weaknesses though. He’s an unstoppable force, so throw some immovable objects or tricks his way. And secondly, his head is very detachable. Just aim for his melon and he’ll be instantly decapitated. I don’t know why.

DD is probably either the most dangerous or second most dangerous of the Agents. He’s cold, cool, calculating, and some other words starting with “C” that denote that he operates like a mobster. It doesn’t help that he has a fucking fandom on the Replayernet (???). Expect him to pop up when you aren’t expecting it. He only has two weaknesses. The first being that he’s lazy and is almost always on a smoke break, giving you a breather (how ironic). The second one is... it’s hard to broach this topic. All I have to say is that those with not a lot of self respect can gain some brownie points from him by being a girl in a grey tint. Don’t read the newspaper.

Jack Noir is THE most dangerous one. Take DD’s ruthlessness and remove the tact, the laziness, and the “Noble Demon” thing. He’s a bloodthirsty and stab-happy force of nature. He’s luckily chained down by bureaucracy, but when he starts moving, things change. He’ll stab and switch and command and connive and stab some more because that’s just the type of person he is. The only saving grace you get is that he loves black licorice scotty dogs, and has a kismesis towards the Black Queen that can be exploited.

Black Royalty: The Black King and Queen. The former is the Final Boss of the game. The latter is The Dragon (and a bonus boss for people who hate living), but luckily she can be reasoned with, or manipulated.

Dark Portents/Tentacles: Just like Prospit comes close to and overlaps with Skaia, Derse comes close to and overlaps with The Furthest Ring. Feel free to listen to the song of the Horrorterrors, and even make a Deal if all goes wrong. Just stay away. They’re not above picking Players out like snacks.

I Keep Going To Sleep And I Don’t Wake Up On My Planet!

That’s because your Sleep Ratio is horrible. You need to relax to raise the Sleep Ratio. Get betters pillows, drink warm milk, and put on calming music. Another good way is facing something unpleasant. The act of confronting something one would rather avoid and “awakening” can cause your Dreamself to become active.

Unless you got shanked in your sleep, in which case, too bad. No amount of relaxation fixes that.

This Dream Moon Sucks I Want A Different One!

Too bad. It’s not like they matter anyway. It’s just a framing device to get an extra life/do more quests. Just deal with it.

My Dreamself Died, But I’m Waking Up Somewhere Different!

Oh, this is fun. You found the Dreambubbles. These don’t appear in every Session, but it’s a cool experience. You can interact with dead Players and their memories. Just don’t expect to get anything done, because it’s almost always dumb shit going on in there.

The Veil

The Veil is a ring of meteors around the Incipisphere. These meteors are the same ones that destroyed your planet (or at least I hope they destroyed your planet). You may be wondering why they’re all still there. That’s because when the game is about to end (this event is called The Reckoning), the meteors will assail Skaia. Skaia protects itself and sends them back in time, at your planet.

Thanks Skaia.

So Why Should I Care About Rocks In Space?

Because one of these rocks contains a lab filled with weird science shit. This is the Ectobiology Lab. This is where Underlings are cloned, and so are you and all your friends. And their Guardians/Children!

What this means basically is that the Ectobiologist will stumble upon this place like a tool, ogle blankly at an Appearifier screen, press buttons, watch paradoxes happen, slime gets created and shoved into some tubes, some babies come out, the slime mixes, and then more babies come out. They then scream and flail in the newfound baby pile, accidentally put them on meteors, and send them off to Skaia/your planet, and then wander off again.

Thrilling. I Still Don’t See Why I Should Care.

Because if you’re this apathetic about awesome time travelling space rocks, then your Session is doomed to fail. If that happens, and you feel like escaping like I did, but don’t have a ship like I do, then your next best bet is the Ectobiology Lab meteor. It’s the largest one, decked out with all manner of cool technology, and an Appearifier means you can snatch food from your pre-destroyed home planet.

The Furthest Ring

Don’t go here.

I Actually Enjoy Horrible Things Like Brain Fucking

Don’t. Go. Here. There are certain situations where you need to get close to the Horrorterrors. I understand. But don’t go to The Furthest Ring directly. Even if you think you’re going to just get close and make a deal, they can still reach out and eat you. If you NEED to perform a Deal or other communion, then go out onto Derse’s streets, or in some weird ruins, or your own house with all this occult stuff. There’s guides for holding communion with the Others.

Skaia

The gigantic ball of light in the center of the new solar system. This is Skaia. Your goal is to build your Dwelling Spire up here, pass through the Seven Gates, and reach it.

Is It That Simple?

 For once, it is. Of course, you can complicate it by going early, but that involve Ascending to the God Tiers, but you’re probably better off doing the easy things first.

Why Do I Want To Go To Skaia?

Because there lies The Battlefield. The forces of Prospit and Derse will converge here to do battle. Prospit is always doomed to failure though, and the Players will have to be the ones to face the Black King and claim The Ultimate Reward.

In other words, progress, build up, reach the shiny ball of light in the sky, and fight the final boss to win the game.

The Battlefield Doesn’t Look Complete

[Critical] If that’s the case, someone entered the game without Prototyping their Kernelsprite. This is a Void Session. Go find a guide on that, your concerns are more pressing.

The Green Sun

We have next to no information on this entity. It is located within the Furthest Ring, and the First Guardian may be connected to it. Otherwise, we still don’t know what the The Green Sun is.

[jksmoongf]

Kissing Fire [pt. 2]

Pairing: Jungkook x reader x girlfriend (oc) Genre: cheater!au, angst, smut (maybe a tiny bit of fluff) Wordcount: 3.7k Summary: It always feels like there is only one person in the world to love. And then you find somebody else.

a/n: I don’t condone cheating on your s.o., so please don’t read if you have a problem with this! (also I’m not saying this is something Jungkook would actually do!) Warning: smut, lies, heartbreak and more lies (it’s gonna be one angsty mess) Warning Chapter 2: smut ( does phone sex count? lmao)

Jungkook’s body was frozen but his mind was running a million miles an hour, his thoughts fighting a battle inside his head. How would he be able to get out of this? She would scratch his eyes out right this instant if she found out that he had a couple's bracelet with another girl; and even worse that he had fallen in love. “I’ve never seen it before? What do the numbers mean?” Yina asked, her eyes drilling into his skull, as he kept his gaze on her hand around his wrist, evading the dreaded eye contact that might make him spill his guts.  “I-I-uh…it belongs to…Taehyung.” He muttered, hoping that it would be a good enough lie. “Why are you wearing it?” “I didn’t want you to know but I-I just wanted to see if it was good enough for you and me, you know?” He bit down on the inside of his cheek, trying to sound casual and praying that she’d believe this utterly stupid excuse. “Really?” She crooked an eyebrow, making sure she didn’t miss any movement of his eyes as she waited for him to answer. “Yeah, it was supposed to be a surprise but you caught me.” Jungkook let out a nervous chuckle. “You mean as an anniversary gift? You are the cutest and so thoughtful, ohmygod! I love it, it’s so cute.” She squealed, flinging her arms around him. Finally, Jungkook allowed himself to relax, taking deep breaths of relief, glad he managed to fool her once again with an obvious lie. He knew it wasn’t right but how could he hurt her after everything they had been through? She was so sweet and caring; it was almost impossible for him to muster up the courage to break up with her. So the only option he had left was to string her along, for now, already dreading the inevitable doomsday when he had to tear her heart into pieces. 

It was getting late, and Yina had fallen asleep watching the movie she had picked. He didn’t dare to move, waking her up meant he had to put up with her and he really didn’t feel like it. He just wanted her to go home, so he could possibly sneak off with y/n, indulging in a make-out session that he craved more than any alcoholic craved their liquid fix. Maybe it was idiotic and pathetic how much he was in love with her but it had hit him like an unexpected storm in the middle of summer. He could hear hushed voices down the hall and then a door closed; two pairs of footsteps approached the living room, Tae and y/n - he was walking her to the door and to Jungkook’s dismay, she didn’t even look at him nor did she say goodbye. 

It felt like an invisible hand was squeezing his heart a little too tight; she was mad at him for letting her run into them like this when she had told him she’d come back with Tae and Ha-na. He couldn’t help but feel like an asshole; knowing that he had ruined her night but she wasn’t the only one feeling hurt, - he missed her just as much as she missed him. Even if they were in the same room; secretly touching hands, longing glances or stolen kisses in hallways weren’t enough to fill the void he was feeling when he wasn’t with her. Shortly after, Tae had walked back to his bedroom and the door fell shut, he knew he had to do something. He couldn’t just let her go home feeling anything less than loved; carefully he moved Yina’s feet off his lap and jumped up, hurrying to catch her before she got on the elevator. 

“Y/n.” He called as he ran out of the apartment, feeling the cold marble tiles underneath his bare feet. She turned around; a blank expression on her face but her eyes gave away that she was upset. “I’m so sorry. She came over without telling me.” He took her hand in his, lacing their fingers together. “I didn’t want her to come, I swear.” And without warning, she pressed her lips on his, molding together in perfect sync and making his knees feel wobbly like they were about to give out. He let go of her hand, cupping her face with both of his instead. Thumbs gently caressing her cheeks, his tongue darting into her mouth - trying to taste as much of her as possible; her vanilla lip balm leaving sweet traces on his tongue. 

Her hands were desperately digging into his hoodie as if he was about to evaporate into thin air if she didn’t hold onto him ever so tightly. Foreheads resting against each other, Jungkook wrapped his arms tightly around her. Both panting, after the kiss, seemed to have sucked all the oxygen out of their lungs. “Can I please see you tomorrow?” She said quietly as her eyes were swimming in tears, bottom lip quivering. “Yes, of course, I’d love nothing more…” His lips gently brushed against hers for a second. “Text me when you get home, okay?” She nodded. “My taxi is waiting…” Jungkook watched as the elevator doors closed behind her; leaning against the wall wondering why it felt so right when it was so wrong… He was lying in bed, Yina sleeping peacefully next to him, little snores leaving her slightly parted lips every once in a while. It was 1:30 in the morning, and he just couldn’t fall asleep, not with her on his mind, preoccupying his every thought and every cell in his body. He could count the number of times he had actually slept in the same bed as her on one hand. It was aggravating that he couldn’t spend every night with the girl that made his heartbeat so uncontrollably fast. She had wrecked his whole world the day she moved to Seoul. One minute he was in love with his perfect and cute girlfriend and next thing he knew he was hopelessly in love with someone else. It was difficult to pinpoint what exactly made him fall for her, but when he locked eyes with her that day, after not seeing her for about four years, it felt like everything that didn’t make sense before, suddenly made sense. It was a comforting feeling to know that he had found the one person that made him feel at home; the one person that understood him and loved him with all his flaws; the one girl that made him leave his comfort zone, exploring new aspects of life and love, he had never dared to even think about. His phone vibrated on his chest, it took his eyes a moment to adjust to the brightness of the screen.  [y/n - 1:33am] Are you still up? Not once in his life, had he been so quick to text back - not even with Yina or his hyungs, almost dropping his phone on his face in the process. [jungkook - 1:33am] I am. Is everything okay, baby? Eagerly his eyes waited for the little three dots that indicated she was typing. [y/n - 1:35am] Yeah, I just keep thinking about stuff you know? [jungkook - 1:36am] mhmm me too. What are you thinking about? [y/n - 1:36am] mostly about what we did this afternoon He closed his eyes for a moment; pictures of her pressed against his chest, mouth open in an o-shape moaning his name flashed before his eyes. How needy she sounded when he bent her over his desk. She looked so pretty right after she came, almost ethereal with her flushed cheeks and shaky legs.

Kookie? 

[jungkook - 1:38am] Ahhh noona don’t do that to me now [y/n - 1:39am] you don’t like thinking about how good it feels when you’re inside me? Slowly he slipped his hand underneath the duvet, palming himself over his sweatpants. Just thinking about her got him hard within seconds. Could he risk jerking off with Yina beside him? What if she woke up and caught him getting off to another girl? He let out a sigh, trying to resist the urge flaring up in his stomach. [jungkook - 1:40am] I do!  [y/n - 1:40am] 

Can you please call me? I wanna hear your voice… He quickly typed a reply and carefully climbed out of his bed, tiptoeing to the door. The apartment was dark and quiet; everyone seemed to be asleep at this time tonight. Not daring to turn on the light on his way to the bathroom, he slowly walked down the hallway. Quietly he locked the door behind him, making sure no one could barge in on him. His thumb tapped on her name and he lifted his phone up to his ear. “Hey, baby.” He could hear the smile in her voice, but it sounded a bit off. It was breathy and a little higher than usual. “Hey.” His teeth dug into his bottom lip. “What are you doing?” “Oh, I was just playing with my nipples until you called…” He closed his eyes, picturing her naked in her bed, pinching her nipples and rolling them between her fingers to get them hard. “Ooh…how did that go?” “Hm, it felt good, obviously not as good as when you suck on them, baby.” Jungkook’s eyes widened at her words and he gulped down nothing. “Do you want me to suck on them, Kookie?” 

He made a humming sound, listening closely to the lewd sucking noises and the muffled moans, his dick desperately twitching in his sweatpants. “How’s your dick?” “Hard…” He mumbled, looking down at the protruding bulge and the little precum stain darkening the gray fabric. On the verge of embarrassment paralyzing him, he leaned against the countertop for support.

  “Can you touch yourself for me?” Jungkook nodded, forgetting that she couldn’t see him and wiggled down his pants to set his throbbing member free. Wrapping his shaky hand around the base, giving it a light squeeze. Slowly he started pumping his hand up and down the shaft. 

“I need lotion or something.” Frantically he looked for something that he could use but he came up short. “Baby, just use spit…” Hesitantly he spat in his hand, before coating his dick in it. “That feels better…” He let out a sigh, letting his head fall back. “Hmm good, now tell me what you want to do to me…” The movement of his hand coming to a halt at her words. He had been okay with her being in control, telling him what to do but he felt embarrassed just thinking about saying the things in his head out loud. “Noona, I can’t…” It was easier to just do those things to her than telling her about them.

“Please baby…” She whined. “Just give it a try… for me…” Jungkook inhaled deeply, closing his eyes. “I wish I was there with you…” He earned a soft moan from her, encouraging him to go on. “I-I wanna kiss you everywhere…until I…” His cheeks were burning red, his throat dry like the desert - his mind blank. “Come on baby…do you want me to give you head? Do you want my hands to touch you down there; stroking your pretty cock?” “N-no…I want to bend you over my desk again…your ass just looked…wow” He trailed off, distracted by the quiet moan on the other side. Maybe he could do this if he just kept his eyes closed tight enough. With his elbow he turned the light off, hoping that he’d feel more comfortable and not as exposed in the dark. “I wanna get on my knees and kiss your thighs…” He started twisting his hand up and down again, occasionally rubbing his thumb over the tip. “Baby, I want to eat you out so badly…” He groaned. “Flick your clit with my tongue and tasting you…” The moan he earned from her made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. “So you’re all nice and wet for me…are you rubbing your clit, baby? What do you want me to do to you?” “Mhmm, I’m imagining it’s your tongue..” She whispered in between moans. “I want you so bad, Kookie. I want your tongue to circle my clit, and your fingers inside me. I want you to grab me and do whatever you want to me!” He hummed, a breath caught in his throat as he tried his hardest not to cum too soon, knowing it would take her longer to reach her high. “Hnnng, fuck I wanna be inside you right now, feel how tight you are around my hard dick...thrusting in and out of you faster and faster.” Listening to her quietly moan in pleasure made him feel light-headed. “Can you use both hands for me?” “Y-yes…” Her voice was shaky, drowned out by shuffling noises. “What do you want me to do with them?” “I want you to rub your clit with one hand and put two fingers deep inside…but before you do that I wanna hear how wet you are.” The wet noise was the most indecent and lewd sound mixed with high pitched moans to ever reach his ears. Jungkook was trying hard not to speed up his strokes and explode all over the bathroom floor. “Could you hear it?” She asked shyly. When he next spoke, he had to try to regain control of his breathing. “Mhmm you’re so wet, baby. Now be good and use both hands.” Her only response was a series of breathy moans reassuring him in his words. “Be louder, stop holding back baby.” His order seemingly flipped a switch; moans ringing in his ears, blending in with his. Yina woke up to Jungkook’s side of the bed empty, reaching for her phone. It was almost 2am, where could he possibly be? She crawled out of bed to go get something to drink. She could hear noises coming from the bathroom but nonetheless made her way to the kitchen. She gulped down a glass of water, expecting to meet Jungkook on her way back. Quietly she stood in the middle of the hall, listening intently. He was still in the bathroom; maybe he was sick and needed her help. Slowly she made her way over, her hand wrapped around the door-handle; eyes open wide as she heard him moan from the other side of the door. 

“Jungkook, fuck baby I’m so close…I’m so wet for you. I want you to fuck me hard. I want to feel your dick inside me and your hands wrapped around me, squeezing my tits…” She whined, making him buck into his hand harder, chasing his orgasm. “Me too baby, but I need you to cum first. I want you to enjoy yourself.” He was so familiar with the way she moaned; how the pitch got higher the closer she came to coming undone; profanities falling from her lips. Deep heavy breaths of pleasure leaving her mouth. “Kookie?” Yina’s voice snapped him out of his pleasure-driven high. “Are you okay?” “Yes!” He groaned, closing his fist around the tip to stop himself from cumming. “Do you need help?” “No! Just go away.” He paused, listening to her footsteps indicating that she left. 

“Who was that? Was that her?”, she asked a little irritated but still moaning.

“Baby, keep going…it doesn’t matter. I want you right now. Your body on mine, thrusting my dick inside you harder and harder.” He mouthed, turning his attention back to her and his throbbing hard dick in his hand. Relentlessly working the shaft, feeling his balls contracting. “Ugh fuck you sound so good. Imagine I’m fucking you and rubbing your clit…massaging your tits…squeezing your ass…my pulsating dick inside of you,…cum for me…baby…please” “Baby…I’m gonna…OH…MY…fuck” Not finishing her sentence, she muffled a scream into her pillow; followed by whiny calls of his name. Letting his head fall back, Jungkook finally allowed himself to let the waves come crashing down, breathing heavily; pleasure clouding his mind as cum shot onto his stomach, slowly drizzling down. He hoped he hadn’t too loud and that nobody heard him, but at this moment he was so lost in the intensity of his own orgasm that he couldn’t help himself but let himself fall into it.

“My legs are so shaky.” She giggled, still slightly panting. “Hmm, I love it when you cum that hard…” He turned the light back on, grabbing a washcloth to clean himself up. “Kookie…” “Hm?” “I wish you were here…I really want you to hold me right now.” The adrenaline of his high immediately vanished; a feeling of guilt creeping up on him out of nowhere. “I love you, I’m sorry I can’t be there.” He could tell she was suppressing a sob. “It’s okay baby, I understand. Go back to her, I know she’s waiting for you.” 

“I don’t want to…but there is no way around it. I wish it was you lying there in my bed!” He whispered into his phone. “I know…me too” she answered sadness swinging in her voice. 

With a heavy heart he walked back to his room; missing her already, still feeling guilty he couldn’t be there to hold her and let her fall asleep in his arms. Jungkook climbed back in bed, pulling his duvet up to his chin when he felt a hand sliding onto his chest. Yina’s lips connected to his neck, gently sucking on it. He groaned in annoyance trying to wiggle away from her. “I heard you moan…” She whispered, swiftly climbing on top of him, trapping him underneath her body. “Babe, if that was what you wanted you could’ve woken me up..” Greedily attacking his lips, Jungkook turned his head just in time making it so her lips collide with his cheek. Should he be feeling guilty that he chose someone else over his girlfriend; that he’d rather be with y/n than here with her? Subconsciously he knew that what he was doing was bad, but his heart wasn’t in the right place anymore; being chained to her. “Ugh, stop. I just wanna go to bed, Yina.” He grabbed her waist, gently pushing her off of him. “What the hell?” She huffed, slapping his chest. “I’m not in the mood.” He mumbled, turning around so he didn’t have to face her. Scared he would say something that might hurt her, although he didn’t even care that he had just acted like a jerk. Mind drifting off to the girl who was lying in her bed all alone, longing for him to just hold her close. 

“Fine, whatever.” She pulled most of the duvet away from him, scooting closer to the wall. Jungkook let out a sigh, crossing his arms in front of his chest and pulling his legs up. She was mad; he would have to make it up to her somehow but how was he going to do that when he didn’t feel like touching her anymore.  *

Taehyung and Ha-na were cuddled up in bed, watching a movie. One of his hands tangled in her hair, the other resting on his chest while she gently played with his fingers. “Tae?”  “Hm?” “I’ve been thinking, I wish we had a couple to go on double dates with, that would be so much fun. We could go to dinner and then to an arcade, or take a nice walk together by the river.” He rested his chin on her head. “I can ask Jungkookie if he and Yina would be up for that.” She rolled her eyes; still trying to prove to him that his two best friends were secretly hooking up. “To be honest, I’d prefer a couple more our age, you know?” Gently pressing her lips on the small bit of skin exposed by his pajama button up. “I can’t think of anyone…” Tae said, scrunching up his nose. “I mean, we could always ask Sungdeuk and his wife…” Ha-na shook her head, propping herself up. “No, I don’t think they would wanna hang out with us kids all the time. How about we set up y/n with one of your friends? I’m sure she’d love to go on a date. You said it’s been a while since she had a boyfriend?” “You think? Hmm, I don’t know if she would be up for that.” He shrugged, brushing his lips against her forehead. “You haven’t noticed how she looks at couples? Even you and me? I’m sure, she could use a little bit of love in her life.” She could see in his eyes that he was wrecking his brain, trying to come up with a suitable match for his best friend since kindergarten. “What about Hyungsik? He’s single right now.” “Oooh! Yes Tae, they’d be really cute together.” With a big smile on her face, she eagerly nodded, then reaching for his phone on the nightstand. “Text him, and ask him if he’s free tomorrow or sometime this week. I’m sure, he’d love to hang out with you as well. You haven’t seen each other in a while.” “Wow, you’re really not wasting any time babe.” He laughed while unlocking his phone. “So? I just really want those double dates and who are we to possibly stand in the way of true love?” She rested her head back on his chest, while his thumbs were tapping on the display, not hiding the smirk on her lips. Maybe some would consider this an evil plan but she had to help Taehyung see that Jungkook and y/n were more than just friends. “You’ll be happy to hear that Hyungsik hyung has time tomorrow.” “Oh really?” She sat up, clapping her hands excitedly. “Tell him and y/n to come over, and leave the rest to me.” “What do you have in mind?” His hands were gently grabbing her waist, pulling her back against in his chest, one arm lazily resting on her stomach. “Just a nice get together for the four of us, so they can get to know each other, you know..nothing too crazy.” 

[aboutagirl4031]

I wanna be you again, she can write up the most beautiful things, she always had time, maybe too much time, she always smiled, no pain yet, everything was beautiful through your eyes…I want her back, I’m almost there I can feel it. You’d never think about hurting yourself, you could always find something to smile about and your world was so bright and it didn’t hurt to be in the sun. You laid in the grass and ran in the dirt. You were so beautiful. On a subconscious level It’s getting closer but it’s difficult because so much has changed, it’s a good thing, we’ve dreamed so deeply about being this woman… yet she comes through with her doubt and angst. Today I was a mess, I regret it, a fucking mess. But who am I without the mess? I’ve always been that way and I don’t want to feel bad about it. It’s not that I get any gratification I just talk and feel without thinking twice….no but I do. The surface level she doesn’t think fully but on the inside, we’re calculated, cool and ??. We’re just trying to protect ourselves while self preservation takes over.

we’re grown now, I can talk endlessly because I do know a lot but I still choose the naive aspect because when it’s too serious I hate the way the air feels. There’s much better words I can use but fuck I’ve spent the entirety of my life being misunderstood and I’m sick of it. You YOU, I don’t even know what to do anymore. Your just you, I wish it were different but I can’t do anything about it, In our life we are presented with relationships, friends, fmaily and romantic… you think I still owe you something after all this time and truth is I don’t owe you shit, I can’t fill whatever that is in your chest…you know that. I need to stop taking advantage of your need for gratification but you used me too. It’s been a fair game? Not really, you never communicated your feelings and that’s your fault. I didn’t know that I was hurting you bc you never said what you wanted me to be … but me, I told you everything, I told you what hurt and what I wanted…you calculated so many ways to hurt me and used my shit against me. I told you what hurt it and you Blatantly carried it out while looking me in the eye and I STILL FUCKING CARED ABOUT YOU. I just don’t know why we even talk, I don’t know what you think there is to achieve when you and I both know you can’t get over your bitterness and resentment toward me. You can’t and there’s no reason to keep coming back to show me just how mean you can be..WE KNOW ! Your an asshole, that’s okay, that’s you, I don’t haft to be hurt but there’s no reason for you to manipulate me into thinking I need to show my trust while you keep doing worse. I do care about you, but I care about you for me..not you. I see that little boy and I think to myself did anyone ever hold you enough?. Idk I can’t stand you again and I’m going to keep it that way…you aren’t going to change either and your not somebody I can trust in the life I have now. You make me feel like shit for the emotional accomplishments and life I have now.. deep down I know it’s because … yeah. You hurt me too and I need to stop forgiving that. You never could love me and that’s okay too. I am proud of you and I love that you get to live your dreams, I just don’t think you understand and where I’m at, who I am and I don’t want you to meet who I am. I’ve worked so hard to become this person and you almost allowed you to ruin her. I can’t allow myself to go backward and go back to everyone from my old life. A timeline In which no longer exists. It’s different and I need to make new friends, new love and new family, I wish you the best.

[xxlying-from-y0u]

Where Your Focus Should Be This October Based On Your Zodiac Sign

LIBRA

Planning your future does not have to be a chore or dentist appointment that you dread going to. Oftentimes, in fact, tackling the road ahead is the easiest way to ease anxiety about walking forwards. You have your map, your compass, the north star in your back pocket — what’s stopping you from being definitive in your actions? Why are you so unwilling to believe that you’re capable of taking care of yourself? Look around you, look at the loved ones you’ve carried through flame. They have grown in your arms. You can grow within yourself.

SCORPIO

It seems as though you’ve, once again, second-guessed yourself into a corner. Intimidated by past wrongdoings and aches, your heart has become an all-consuming mess of perpetually wet paint just waiting to mark your feet with its color. But there are much worse things to have to wash off of your skin. Permanence is subjective, and something that often fools us into thinking it’s more of a problem than it actually is. You will never be clean again if you don’t take a chance and walk out of what hurts.

SAGITTARIUS

What do you say to yourself when nobody is watching? Imagine sending it to somebody that you love. Imagine their reaction, the way surprise would take over their face and then make way for betrayal. How the hurt would plague them, make them reconsider their ideas of who they are and what your relationship is to you. I know that you know where this is going. But instead of a lecture, I want you to write a letter to your best friend and then read it to your mirror. Make eye contact when you can. Repeat it until you believe in it.

CAPRICORN

Changing your hair and your aesthetic every time something distresses you isn’t going to alter how you react to your environment. It just buries the root of the issue under hair dye and scissors and everything shiny. Just because things are beautiful on the surface, it doesn’t mean that everything underneath is beautiful too. Sometimes the most well-kept of us have the worst pain, and we don’t bother to ask them how they are because, well, they don’t look like they need it. Who are you in spite of your skin? Be it. Loudly.

AQUARIUS

Answer this question: what do you want? Now, answer this one: what do you really want? They aren’t always the same thing, are they? Modifying your desires for the sake of convenience or due to outside influences is something that affects you more than you realize. Someday you will look back on all of the comfortable paths you chose and regret ignoring the voice in your head saying “maybe we should reconsider this.” Your true aspirations are valid and achievable as long as you commit to them.

PISCES

It isn’t your job to mask your emotions in order to keep the peace with loved ones, or make strangers feel at ease. I know that prioritizing others is the only thing you’ve ever known, but once in awhile, you need to listen to what your body is telling you. And sometimes I know that what you’re told are some ugly things — loneliness, dread, fear. Sugar coating that only makes it harder to confront, and isolates you from those that care. It’s okay to feel bad, and it’s okay to talk about it. Please, please talk about it.

ARIES

You’ve previously been told that your impulsive nature is something to criticize rather than celebrate, but I want you to know that it’s okay to be who you are. It’s okay to buy the plane ticket at three in the morning, to drive to a town you’ve never been to just to order a milkshake, to tell that person how you feel, loudly and without shaking. When you try and stifle the aspects of your personality that make you feel like yourself, it can only lead to problems and heartache. Embrace what makes you wild. Pursue it.

TAURUS

There are ticket stubs and birthday cards lining the walls of your memory and yet you still wonder why it’s been so long since you’ve felt at ease in your body. How can you expect yourself to move on if you don’t confront the reality of your situation, if you don’t acknowledge the faces you’ve crossed out of your photographs and the past you have had to burn to the ground? In the wake of your wreckage you do not have to rebuild from the ashes. You can find fresh materials. You can be brand new again.

GEMINI

Faith is a concept that has always seemed to trouble you, for good reason. It can be difficult to know exactly where to place it, and who to trust it with, and inevitably we have lapses in judgment. But just because you have handed your soft to the wrong pair of hands, that doesn’t mean you should discard it altogether. Faith is so much more than believing in something unknowable — it is, primarily, a belief in one’s self and our innate ability to thrive despite our own ignorance and faults. You do not have to be perfect in order to be worth listening to.

CANCER

It is not your responsibility to fix people, no matter how much you care about them, and sometimes the best thing you can do for those that you love is give them the space to heal on their own terms. Your need to help those in pain is not a curse or reason to hide from the world, but you must remember that certain boundaries will always exist between bodies. There is a difference between being a shoulder to cry on and forcing yourself into a situation that may not ask for you. You are not abandoning anybody by taking a step back.

LEO

You tend to idolize the people you love, turn them into gods in a world where everybody is mortal and you are the most mortal of them all. There is a solid line that exists between the showering someone with affection and treating them as though they are more than human. Remember that the most solid relationships are the ones that strive to be a partnership, rather than an adoration that clogs your sense of individuality or prevents you from rising to your full potential. Take off the rosy glasses and polish up your reading ones.

VIRGO

Nobody can read your mind or know exactly what your intentions are unless you’re open to revealing them and explaining yourself. What you view as being a helpful suggestion can easily be seen as harsh criticism by somebody that you aren’t incredibly close to. Don’t get defensive when people tell you how you have upset them. Listen, explain where you were coming from, learn, and remind yourself that you are not difficult to be around or difficult to love because of how you express yourself. There is always tomorrow. 

[leora-strauss]

An Interview with the Bard

► Name ➔    "Leora Strauss, at your service!”

► Are you single ➔ “Nope!”

► Are you happy ➔   “Happier than I’ve ever been in my life! I’m doing what I’ve always wanted to do, and I’m surrounded by friends and people who I absolutely adore!”

► Are you angry? ➔   “Not really, no. I mean, I’ve had the occasional bit of passionate shouting here and there out in the field but I’ve never really swung into a rage in...Tides, not since I started the Society!”

► Are your parents still married ➔   “Not anymore, unfortunately. I received word about a month ago that my father had died of some sort of infection or possibly tuberculosis. I haven’t gotten much information about the matter apart from that he’s passed—it’s rather difficult to get much information off of Kul Tiras these days. They were together before he passed on to the Tidemother though. ”

NINE FACTS

► Birth Place ➔ “I was born on my family’s Winter Estate out in the Stormsong Valley in Kul Tiras.”

► Hair Color ➔ “Very dark brown, almost black!”

► Eye Color ➔ “Nothing particularly special; a nice hazel colour—like polished oak!”

► Birthday ➔ “The 8th of March!”

► Mood ➔ “I’ve been described as excitable and generally enthusiastic. I’d probably have to agree with them.”

► Gender ➔ “I identify myself as a woman.”

► Summer or winter ➔ “Absolutely Summer! That’s when the world is in bloom, the suns out for most of the day, and you can spend it amongst good friends and company while you enjoy the warm outdoors! Of course, Winter has it’s upsides as well, but I much prefer Summer”

► Morning or afternoon ➔ “I much prefer mornings. I enjoy getting up a bit before dawn and enjoying the quietness of the world as it starts to wake up as well. Perfect time for going for a run as well!”

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

► Are you in love ➔ “Head over absolute heels.”

► Do you believe in love at first sight ➔ “More than anything! It may not happen often, or for everyone one, but I absolutely believe it!“

► Who ended your last relationship ➔ “The one I’m in is honestly my first and only.”

► Have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔  “I have and I was called out for it because I didn’t even know at the time. I just hope I haven’t done that more than once—I’d feel absolutely dreadful!”

► Are you afraid of commitments ➔ “You know—for someone who prefers hook-ups and no labels—I’m surprisingly not. I like the idea of opening up and being exclusive to somebody, I just despise committing to labels or relationship styles that can sometimes make people they need to suffer in silence or cheat behind their partners back.”

► Have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ “Darn right, I have! What’s the point of having arms if you’re not going to use them for hugs?”

► Have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ “I don’t believe so. Honestly, I don’t think I’m the type to get those sorts of things—I’m surrounded by beautiful people who are worldly and cultured. I’m more the type to try and get the admirer and admired together rather than be either or!”

► Have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ “I don’t even know how I’d do that?”

SIX CHOICES

► Love or lust ➔ “There’s an old poet who I think said it best, ‘Lust is the fire but love is the warmth’. You can have one without the other but the best relationships have a balance of both! If I had to choose one, though, I’d probably choose love over lust.”

► Cats or Dogs ➔ “Can’t hunt and go hiking with a cat, now can you? As someone who’s owned one for most of her life dogs all the way!”

► A few best friends or many regular friends ➔ “Better idea, many best friends!”

► Wild night out or romantic night in ➔ “As much as I love a romantic night in, with its idyllic charm and quiet atmosphere, I think I’d choose a wild night out with my partner. Something wild and free that we can enjoy together; like dancing until dawn at a party or go cliff-diving! Something that makes memories that we can share.”

► Day or night ➔ “Day, by far! As gorgeous as the evening can be sometimes in the summer, I find that I just enjoy being in the sunshine far more.”

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

► Been caught sneaking out ➔ “I never had to sneak around; I honestly had free reign past the age of ten. If I wanted to go out and dawdle the streets then I would! That freedom actually put me on the path to who I am now in a lot of ways and I’m thankful for never having to sneak out.”

► Fallen down/up the stairs ➔ “Surprisingly, I never have! I think you learn to be careful when you live in houses with hard marble stairs—never the best place to fall on your face.”

► Wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ “Best way to live, I find! Living with that constant need, that hunger, for improvement and always desperately chasing after something makes you a better person! Having things you want to chase that badly forces you to improve yourself and to become a more able person!”

► Wanted to disappear ➔ “From existence itslef? Never. From a society or social circles? I came to the mainland for that reason.”

FOUR PREFERENCES

► Smile or eyes ➔ “Where eyes are the windows to the soul I’ve always preferred a wide smile. Everyone always exclaims that ‘Oh, you can fake a smile easily’ and I’d disagree with that. You can tell a real smile over a fake one; one that shines and where the person doesn’t give a damn on what it looks like. A dopey smile is the most dazzling thing in the world to me.”

► Shorter or Taller ➔ “Taller. Perhaps it comes from me being a rather lanky, willowy sort but I’ve always enjoyed someone who was a bit larger than me! Someone who can pick me up or rest their arm on the top of my head. I don’t know, big fellows and ladies just make me want to swoon!”

► Intelligence or Attraction ➔  “Intelligence by far. I prefer somebody I can talk philosophy and poetry with but also has a sharp mind and other interest that I don’t share. I like being taught things and having my world expanded and I’d want to do the same for a partner.”

► Hook-up or Relationship ➔ Strauss thought for a moment, “I suppose it depends on what you mean by a relationship. If we’re defining a relationship simply by the most official forms—like a spouse or a significant other—over say something more unofficial such as a lover or a friend you hook-up with, I think I’d prefer the more unofficial ‘hook-up’. A relationship can be forced—courting and marriage at the end of the day is a socio-economic mechanism and are easily forced and coerced. A hook-up or a friend with benefits is able to walk away from me if we fall out of love or lust and I can do the same. Give me that sort of freedom any day!”

FAMILY

► Do you and your family get along ➔ “Some of us do! Others of us don’t. I have twenty-five other siblings ranging from my younger brother of twenty to my eldest sister of fifty-two. They have their own children, who each have their own opinions on one another. That many people, partnered with the business aspect of the family, can throw a wrench into things. My eldest sister said it best, ‘Favourites aside, we can function and that’s all a family needs to do.’”

► Would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ “Far from it! Many people have lived hard lives in poverty or seen conflict on their very doorstep. I’ve had the luxury of a good education in an extremely wealthy family. My life has been the farthest thing from messed up!”

► Have you ever ran away from home ➔ “Oh no, I wouldn’t dream of it!”

► Have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ “Haven’t had that happen either. Again, I’ve lived in luxury for most of my life. Never had to worry about things like that—if someone didn’t get along in our household they’d just go live in one of our other estates for a while until things cooled off.”

FRIENDS

► Do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ “Tidemother, that’s awful! You can’t just string someone along and call them a friend if you hate them. That’s dishonest and dishonourable!”

► Do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ “More than anything. I can hardly pick a best from the whole lot of them—they’re all wonderfully amazing people who I consider all good friends!”

► Who is your best friend ➔ “Oof. That’s a very, very tricky one. If I had to choose one though it’d probably be Roxlyn Emberglow! She’s always there for me and I adore her for it!”

► Who knows everything about you? ➔  “I try not to share too much about myself to anyone, I always feel it comes off as a mixture of either bragging or whining. That, and I’d much rather listen to other people about their lives over mine! But if I had to choose one, I’d probably say Adrannath Sunspyre! We simply talked one time in Uldum and we got onto the topic of my family. Of everyone on the mainland, he probably knows the most!”

Tagged by: @patiencekindnesscourage

Tagging: Who nelly which one of y’all hasn’t done this? If you haven’t I want you (Yes, you the person reading this at this very moment) to do this!

[cry-away-the-monsters]

Angel relaxes as Springtrap seems to, wrapping her arms around him and hugging him tightly, gently nuzzling him. Skylar smiles a little, feeling reassured in his mini-lecture. He’s had a lot of practice with that since adopting Theo, so he’s proud of himself for doing so.

“No need to thank us. Again, I haven’t seen my mom this happy in my life, I can tell you’ve already been really good to her. If I can trust you to take care of her and be a good partner to her, I can trust you to get better about any tendencies you might have. You’re gonna mess up, that’s a given. But if you mess up, you pick up the pieces, look at what went wrong, and nip that in the bud before it happens again,” Skylar says, reaching over Angel to pat Springtrap’s arm. “You paid your debt. You don’t deserve to be hurt or killed again because you’re having a hard time adjusting to having a ‘normal’ life. If my mom were to think that, Deacon wouldn’t be here, nor would...” He trails off, then he looks at Deacon. “...hey, Deacon. Are you still in contact with Jay?”

Deacon nods. “Yeah,” he answers, then he smiles. “I think I smell what you’re stepping in,” he says, looking up toward Springtrap. “So, I know you’ve had to meet a lot of people lately...but. Considering all you’re dealing with, with having to essentially deal with another personality...I think I have a friend that can help. I have a friend, their name is Jaylin. They have dissociative identity disorder, or DID for short. They’re one of very few cases where the alternate personality they have is extremely violent...they’ve been in jail in the past for it. They know what it’s like to deal with those kinds of tendencies and lose control to a point where they act out even with their preventative measures. Maybe they can help you sort out your issues alongside Aerin. Aerin can help you sort out things on the spirit aspect while Jay can give you tips on controlling that anger and violence, since this seems to be more than just you being dead and not knowing how to deal with the grief of losing your own life. I think if Aerin and Jay work in tandem, they can help you even more.”

Angel lets out a small gasp, piping up. “Th-they could probably h-help him find ways t-to act out on th-those violent tendencies without a-actually hurting anyone, but f-finding the same relief!”

“Yep. I can get him a phone so he can call either of them if he gets in a pinch. Sort of like a suicide hotline, only more of a ‘help me not rip somebody’s head off’ hotline.”

“Th-that could help,” Angel stammers, looking up toward Springtrap again and smiling. “Then, w-with all of that c-combined, I can also h-help by teaching you s-some other ways of c-calming yourself down when y-you’re stressed or about t-to relapse, even if I-I’m away or someone else i-isn’t available. We can o-occasionally bring Theo over t-to test you, and if y-you start to go off, th-then you can try o-one of the things y-you’ve learned. If it g-gets too rough on th-the first go, we c-c-can add that safety f-feature when you give us th-the go-ahead. I c-can also help you b-build up your confidence, s-so when you get l-like that, you have th-that voice in your h-head to give you p-positivity when you’re doubting yourself.

“I-I know it’s hard b-believing you can break o-out of this...I’ve b-been in the same s-spot for years now. But...I-I-I really think you c-can change. You just n-need support, something all of us a-are more than willing t-to give. You deserve it, S-Spring. You really do,” Angel says, standing up to get in front of him, gently kissing his forehead and resting her hands on his shoulders, looking into his eyes. “Y-you just never got wh-what you needed in l-life. But we’re all h-here for you now. E-even Cassidy is ready t-to try to forgive you, a-a-and she’s been the m-most stubborn one. If sh-she trusts you can, th-that should give you m-more than enough reassurance th-that it’ll be okay. I-it’s okay to worry, b-but you have a s-safety net now. As l-long as you keep w-working with us, you can g-get over this.”

The 5’3” brunette woman looks up at the oddly familiar-looking, rather grotesque, decayed version of the bunny mascot she once saw dancing around on a stage as a child, looking at him with a very confused look on her soft, rounded face, as though trying to figure out what the hell to say. “S-so uhm. Are you a-actually Spring Bonnie?” she stammers, a very soft voice coos out, a rather thick but pretty English accent quite noticeable. [[ cry-away-the-monsters ]]

“…Technically. I was once Spring Bonnie, I always wore this suit. It was mine…now I’m trapped in it forever. I call myself Springtrap now.” He responded, standing much taller than the woman, seeing as he was 7 foot. “It’s not so bad, I get to live forever and be something else…” He noticed how she had the same accent at him, it was not too often he met anyone around from where he was born. “You shouldn’t be here though, it’s dangerous…”

@cry-away-the-monsters