#I keep trying and deleting everything
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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honestly the more i hear about engstars and its TLs the more i absolutely dread the inevitable release of poltergeist and what may ensue from it, bc if if the translators themselves are already invalidating arashis identity then i Really Truly do not want to see how theyll translate natsume and tsumugis microaggressions/transphobia towards her. esp since ive noticed a rise in people being comfortably transphobic towards her, and i REALLY do not wish to see natsume and tsumugi being stupid fucking morons be used as evidence to discredit her
and i think this is all the more reason why its VERY IMPORTANT for engstars to DIRECTLY ACKNOWLEDGE arashi and her gender. bc sometimes characters are STUPID and RUDE and APATHETIC. enstars is a story with NUANCED and FLAWED CHARACTERS, and when a character is being a fucking asshole youre meant to PROVE THEM WRONG. but they dont even acknowledge arashi as a girl themselves. so, if you do use engstars, please keep pressuring them bc omfg this is so bad and i can only see it getting worse
#a bit of a serious post sorreys its kinda me venting im just preparing for the worst#We should be legally allowed to beat the shit out of ntmg for what they said to arashi#i dont remember the exact quotes verbatim but tsumugi basically just expressed confusion abt her gender identity#n natsume flatout said something like shes lying to kids by calling herself a princess#so.#not good.#having characters show bigotry is not Necessarily a bad thing. but that is ONLY WHEN that bigotry gets disproven#but. engstars arent doing that.#theyre not disproving it.#they keep pretending like her gender is. well. Nothing#so i worry that this story is just gonna fuel the flames and make everything so much worse than it already is#anyway. if u play engstars please do keep pestering them for blatantly ignoring and misrepresenting arashis identity#i try to stay out of whatever goes on on that app but. Man.#she deserves better#But hey knowing them maybe theyll just fuckin cut out the dialogue alltogether to further act like trans people and their issues arent real#nat rambles#im a bit peeved as u can see sorry i just know how this fandom is and how they cant handle nuance or flawed characters#and im REALLY not happy with happyele REWRITING THE TEXT#and getting RID OF SAID NUANCE#GRHAGGRAHGRAGHHGHGH#sorry.#its like 3:30am i just needed to get this off my chest#maybe ill delete this but god.#free my girl
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at first getting diagnosed with cptsd was like, "yay my trauma has been validated (it always was valid)!" and i really thought that was going to be it, but then i started to do research as i do whenever i realize i have something and learned that!! the way i experience socialization is!! quite horrid actually!!
#i have had this stupid fucking rule for myself for years since i was little#''dont speak unless you're spoken to or else something bad will happen. nobody wants to hear what you have to say unless they ask''#I TELL MYSELF THAT ALL THE TIME????#AND I DIDNT REALIZE IT WASNT NORMAL#thats not something that healthy people think to themselves whenever they want to talk to people. they just talk to them#they dont tell themselves not to speak to people for fear of what may happen to them jesus christ spacie#i get so scared when i message anybody ANYTHING#bc everything and anything i wanna talk about feels so stupid why would anyone give a shit#staring at a funny joke i want to send someone for 30 fucking minutes before deleting it b/c my brain is like ''errmm who cares?''#''also they're going to yell at you for wasting their time!!!''#i sent my friend a meme once and had a panic attack (or maybe a flashback?? im still trying to figure out what they are) immediately after#this shit sucks dude. it sucks#at least im processing what happened to me. thats why it hurts so bad rn its been stockpiled for like.#2 decades#im not looking for any sympathy here im just putting it out there#so that anybody who feels the same way i do know they're not alone#ive been struggling everyday for like 2 months now (actually DEFINITELY longer)#it will get better. things just need to be taken one step at a time#i have gotten thru my worst days i have a 100% success rate#how many days have i been alive#7930#lightwork#lets keep it goin#vent#trauma tw#trauma mention#wrote this post thru a flashback btw!! dealing with them is getting easier#before i would be unable to function for days at a time!!!#with one of the most recent ones i had i was so in the thick of it i avoided everyone i knew for a week cuz i was convinced#i was an evil unlovable freak that only wanted to hurt people
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to the people who write summaries and wikis with thorough breakdowns of all the lore and media for a series that breaks it up into 20 different formats: you are doing fantastic work, may it remain intact and accessible well into the future, I owe you my life
to the people that decide splitting your series into 20 different media formats with critical lore in most/all of them is a good idea:
ARCHIVE YOUR SHIT IMMEDIATELY, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING.
#my post#the hill i will die on is “DO NOT EXODIA YOUR MEDIA IF YOU WANT IT TO SURVIVE. DO NOT ASSUME. DO NOT SPLIT THE LORE.''#Example one: FNAF. It is in an absolute cocomelon state of comprehensibility. this is why the fans are insane (/positive).#Example 2: RWBY / RoosterTeeth. Were it not for the work of fans preserving their media#we would have lost SO MUCH fucking work and effort.#Example 3: Project Moon. Comics and fan-works have been scrubbed from the internet because they put their foot up their own asses.#(which at the same time i have endless respect for. but when the lore is any amount spotty. if you use a COMIC to supplement.)#Example 4: BATIM. Putting any amount of lore in the NOVELS is asking for karma.#(FNAF is not immune to this. AT ALL.)#Example 5: *EVERY FUCKING ARG OUT THERE*. It is SO stressful trying to get into a series on a timer-#-that is ENTIRELY decided by how long its host service keeps its components functional#Example 6: Warframe. Half the lore is in YOUTUBE TRAILERS. Half is in INACCESSIBLE EVENTS.#THE STORY IS INCOMPREHENSIBLE WITHOUT THE WIKI.#all of this is exacerbated by streaming services deleting anything and everything at the drop of a hat#and certain medias (BATIM. RoosterTeeth. FNAF) just straight up DELETING THEIR SHIT. for REASONS.#YOUR LONGEVITY IS DOOMED TO A BRIEF EXISTENCE WITHOUT A BACKUP PLAN
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Please recommend us some fics from other authors
hi nonnie!! thanks for dropping by my ask :> not too sure if you’re after a specific fandom but since i’ve been reading from genshin & haikyuu lately, i’m more than happy to recommend fics from those fandoms!!
genshin impact
the laws regarding attraction (pas de deux) by euniveve on ao3 (neuvillette x f!reader; series, angst, slow burn, arranged marriage, one-sided pining)
notes: everything about this series is perfect!!! the angst the pining AAAAA it made me feel so so much things for neuvi :( <3 series is currently on hold but do give it a read!!!
doctor’s orders by joonie-beanie (wriothesley x f!reader; explicit smut)
wicked dragon, lay waste to me by silkjade (neuvillette x afab!reader; explicit smut)
an encore of betrayal by vivalabunbun (neuvillette x f!reader; historical au, reincarnation au, slow burn, angst, smut)
haikyuu
encumbrance by pantslesspanic on ao3 (kuroo, hinata, atsumu, kageyama, sakusa, bokuto, iwaizumi, oikawa, suna, daishou x f!reader; series, japanese men’s national volleyball team, tokyo 2020 summer olympics, multiple pairings, slow burn, smut)
notes: THIS was the fic making me squeal about bokuto yesterday LMAOOO it’s soooo amazing <3 it’s still on going but already has 9 chapters :>
an observer of longing by tsumoo on ao3 (iwaizumi x f!reader; friends to lovers, angst, mutual pining, smut)
notes: this one made me feel so much emotions AAAAAAA i am in love w author’s writing
tag, ur it! by hqbaby (sakusa, osamu, iwaizumi x f!reader; series, college au, slow burn, smut)
my time is important by yenonnoff (iwaizumi x gn!reader; mini smau series, college au, crack, friends to lovers, fluff)
my love mix up by boyfhees (iwaizumi x reader; school au, fluff, humour, minor angst)
kiss me maybe by mysterystarz (oikawa x gn!reader; college au, friends to lovers, fluff, angst)
second best by cr4yolaas (iwaizumi x reader; two-part series, fluff, angst, losing feelings, timeskip)
#moonlit queries#happy reading :>#sorry if most of these are the same characters 😭 they’re my blorbos LMAOOOOO#all these fics made me feel so much omg i am in love with thr writings the plot the everything#still trying to find the other fics ive read for genshin so sorry if its a short list :(#i usually rb fics on a sideblog to keep track but since i deleted my old acc🥲
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So much fun to wake up to shitty comments on a fic that has a clearly stated « not beta read » tag.
#Guest comments are thus turned off again#Because some people can’t behave#I know there are spelling mistakes#And grammar mistakes in my fics#English is my fourth language#My sincere non-apologies for not having mastered it#Seriously I try to keep my fics accessible for guest readers because a couple of them asked#But the only thing I seem to get from guest readers is comments trashing everything about my writing#So yeah disabled until further notice#And depending on - I might just lock the fics to registered users only again#Even then#i am so close to quitting writing altogether#Or to just no longer publish my fics#Because even the registered guests have been leaving comments that aren’t great to just all-around awful#I try to delete them and move on#But it’s to hard to let your hobby be your happy downtime#When people are being terrible just for the hell of it#Happy first day of vacation me
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me when i want to accept writing commissions vs the depression thats been eating me inside and out
#i like#offered comms once#but now i have venmo and i know how to use it#but like#if i opened them back up i just#i dont know if id even have the motivation to write anyway#not to just traumadump in the tags lol but everythings felt so difficult lately#i feel so empty and not real#every day i struggle with the intense urge to just delete everything ive ever written#every account i own#and just disappear forever#and like. im not good at making connections with people?#so even though ive spiraled into another pit of isolation ive had one person check on me and it was my bf who i talk to every day anyway#and honestly i think the reason im typing this here even though its very tmi is because like#i just need to get stuff out? because maybe getting stuff out will like#help#but i dont know if it will#i started going back to therapy but i dont even know if thatll help#writing is hard#getting up in the morning is hard#breathing is hard#everything just feels so hard and i feel like i have no energy to do anything ever#and its felt like that for months and months but its getting worse as time goes on#anyway uh#im trying not to take my hiatus until february#but i havent been able to write anything in like two weeks#so maybe i wont be able to keep to my super awesome posting schedule and will instead go back to posting things sporadically as i finishthe#which wasnt often nor paced#and typically the thing that keeps me writing is praise (which is unhealthy ik) but uh. ive not been getting a lot of that so its just like#i dont know. sorry
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i hope everyone else is having a great new year's eve, because i surely am not
#i feel like all this time inactive did a significant damage to my stylistic skills#i've been trying to draw something even just a small sketch to celebrate the new year#and everything comes out awful#at this point its no use no matter how i try#the creativity drain doesn't help either#every idea i have ends up discarded eventually#maybe eventually i'll figure something out but it sucks being so bad at something i remember having so much fun doing#i know i must practice to keep it good but i just wish i still got it#crepe talks#vent-ish#might delete later
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hi this is a post saying i will not b online((or try)) until i get my g.e.d.
i love u all if i uh, yk never return
hugs hugs many sweet dreams & good mornings!
#i had a much longer post then realized no1 wants 2 read all that long#i dont want 2 like fill the tags w/reasons y im suddenly doing this#hell i might regret this & delete it a minute l8r#but like. i need my highschool diploma#ive failed school like all the way through. my entire school career looks good in concept but its not#shit im going 2 start crying again#<- that is also y#i keep crying i keep like getting rlly sad & self#destructive & idk how 2 fix that so im doing this so no1 hears my whining#uhhh pray 4 me 2 pass ig lol#hugs hugs hugs mnay hugs#this feels like a final goodbye bc my self confidence is so bad jdjfiosk#summer school; switching classes bc of bad grades; getting expelled; having numerous teacher conferences; having my teachers talk 2 me like#im their kid just bc my mother works @ the school ohh my god that hurt the most & made me want 2 go monkey mode#point is im not good @ school & never have been & it stresses me out & im so scared#im so afaid im crying just thinking about sitting in a class#i love learning i love ideas i love questions MY FAVORITE SUBJECT IS MATH but im just so scared 4 some reason#& idk if ill b able 2 do it#i can barely see my screen help djchis#anyways im going 2 try my best bc i want 2 talk 2 my friends & uhm thats rlly it#but i cant do that unless i get better so im going 2 try 2 not#i ended up rambling in the tags blehhh#niko is also w/me rn as always & i will give him all the kisses &love i can so nobody worry about that#watch me take this post back in a day bc the internet has been 1 of my only safe soaces#this is so pathetic kanfkf & me saying so does not make it any less so#i just jumped out of the car & walked 2 hrs home crying bc im an actual disaster rn#like what if everything im thinking rn makes no sense#i mean not the school thing#i need 2 do that#i need 2 stop stalling
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Having another rough day already as. usual
#🤖.txt#Another day another trying to not have a meltdown on my way to school#Im not even gonna . talk much about it bc its making me want to cry more and lol i want to cry for hours#Really sad and thinking a lot of shit and dont know how to make myself feel better#I need. to pretend im not alive but i cant do that anymore . Im just bad at everything now#Aughhhh#vent#Do you know how sad i am#i feel like i tried so hard to keep myself alive only to live like this and hate being alive. like this is so depressing#I dont even like thinking like this bc i have so many good things in my life rn and im very grateful for them#and yet theres not a day where i dont feel like this at least for a few hours#ugdhjd i know i'll be fine when im home i hope i get through today without feeling like this too much#I'll probably delete this later but i just need to leave this somewhere
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man. I've been reworking a lot of content involving Act II of Home Is Where You Are and like. ugh. it'd work so freaking well in novel form but I just Do Not have the dedication or the drive to start from scratch and rewrite everything that happens.
idk how else to share the updated version of that part of the story with y'all tho, considering that Khalan's journal is insanely outdated now and isn't entirely canon anymore, so I'll probably just have to accept that I likely won't ever be able to update the story for y'all in the way I wish I could. >n<;;
#spectre says#text post#delete later probably#tbh i'm so tired of being tired#i've had like. no energy to write or draw#even tho. the ideas are there. i've got so many concepts going through my head that i could work on and turn into some kind of tangible art#i tried writing out a new outline for act ii but i got overwhelmed with all the changes and plot holes that still need working out#so idk if i'll even continue with that#even tho it's just bullet points#fhgdjkfg#anyway#the idea of writing everything in novel form just sounds like. SO perfect for the story as it is now#i'd love. to establish both khalan and antony as main characters and focus on what happens to both of them while in Atria#eventually having their stories collide when antony's side of things merges with what's going on with khalan and aya#it'd feel less jarring than how it worked out in the journal#because this part of the story is just as much antony's story as it is khalan and aya's#and he's ultimately the one who fixes things and has 'main character energy' by the end of that act#so establishing him as one of the tertiary main characters early on makes sense i think#but yeah. there's just a lot i'd need to do and i know i wouldn't be able to keep up with it if i did try to start writing.#IM JUST RAMBLING NOW IM SORYO#it's just been on the brain i guess
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update: peach is doing very well!! she's eating and sleeping normally (sleeping more than normal, really, but that's to be expected)!! after 3 days of not sleeping and a few changes in painkillers, she finally just napped for an hr then, after another day, slept through the whole night (and most of the next day). she's started following all her usual routines again and is very keen to eat! still on some painkillers, but they're not having any horrific side effects anymore
now that im not staying up to keep an eye on her all night (while also dealing with upgrading my computer and my phone and also my sister preparing to go overseas and the dogs barking and howling constantly due to all of the above), i finally got some decent sleep too and slept for about 14 hrs. so today ive got that weird shakiness that i get from sleeping too much, but hey it's better than the whole of the last week
#personal#and i have a working computer that's finally on windows 10 so that's one less thing to have background stress about#and i have a working phone for the first time in.. a year? 1.5 years? idfk. my previous phone was 16gb so i could fit like 2 apps#could barely take pictures (and couldnt store them) and couldnt update most of my apps because i couldnt update my os because no space#so every app ran slow and then eventually my phone would crash if i opened the storage section of the settings#so i couldnt even offload apps so i could delete them while keeping the data for when i downloaded them again#couldnt order medicine remotely because my chemist only lets you do that from the app (not the website)#couldnt control the aircon because that could only be done through an app#missed loads of stuff because i didnt have email notifications because i could only use my browser for emails#couldnt see tumblr polls on mobile because i couldnt update tumblr because i couldnt update my os#left the house less because i had to delete pokemon go and that genuinely helped me go for walks#ive been dealing with all that for a year so this is very exciting and such a ridiculous qol boost#it sucks how much something like that affects your life. what do you mean i need an app for everythingggg#but god im just glad peach is ok. like there was a moment when i was so stressed trying to update my computer because it wasnt working#and then she ate a small bit of food for the first time in 3 days and just. everything was suddenly fine again#and the other night i spent like 6 hrs just sitting here downloading and installing things on my computer#but it was fine because peach was on the chair next to me sleeping through the whole night and it was such a relief#my sister finally got her flight yesterday (after it was moved four days in a row) so that's just one less thing happening#ive started playing bg3 so that's cool and maybe ill get a chance to actually properly watch that new dav trailer lmao#that premiered at 2am on the first night peach was home from surgery and hadnt eaten or slept yet and i was too stressed to care about dav#and it really just went downhill for the next few days#god. ok. today is the first day i can actually breeaaaathe
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had a really epic cry on a balcony last week and I’ve been longing for that balcony ever since . Was so cathartic I need to go back there
#Never in my life have I felt more at odds with people around me and like I have no idea how to communicate#like a normal human being until this fucking trip#And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong but it just feels like. I am barely passing as a normal Person and people are Noticing#and the Noticing is making them Uneasy and therefore I am excluded from All Things#I need to get Diagnosed . With what I don’t know. But Something. Because something is fucking Wrong here#It’s making me reevaluate my entire everything because I feel so out of place it’s driving me insane#I feel like I’m sticking out like a sore thumb amidst a crowd and it’s doing something awful to me#How do I talk to people how do I exist with other people how do i. Do anything#and why is this only hard Now#I keep clamming up (lol) and going totally silent because I just feel like everything I’m saying is Wrong. Somehow.#But me being silent is also Wrong. And I’m doing something Wrong all the time#Uughhhrhb. This sucks. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here#vent#delete later#clamtalk#Sorry for venting so much recently I am. Going through it rn. I promise I try not to do this often.
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one of the worst feelings ever is wanting to write but your hands hurt too much or the words just don’t want to work so you just sit there staring at a half finished doc with tears in your eyes bc you want to write and you need to write but everything is telling you that you can’t
#and that you’re a terrible writer and that no one cares aaaaaaand imposter syndrome kicks in and you just feel like crap#bc all your friends have been wriying recejtky so why can’t you??? cause they’re bETTER THAN YOU#lol idk why my head is so bad today#the feelings of inferiority and emptiness and idk worthlessness are strong and i hate it but i can’t stop it#i just wanna write!!! and like what i write!!!#but i Can’t and i haven’t liked anything i’ve written in Months and ugh i hate not being able to d something i wanna do#oh and now i’m crying??? why the frick am i cRYING litetally why is typing this making me Worse#sorry guys needed to rant#the inadequacy was strong today#something something students keep telling me how much they dislike me or how i’m whiny for asking them to be respectful and like#i Know i shouldn’t compare myself to my friends but gosh it’s hard when they’re all like. so much better than me.#and i don’t have a lot of time to be on tumblr bc of work so i just feel like i’m watching everything from afar and it’s no one’s fault but#my brain’s like no one is Doing anything it’s just my brain being dumb and i can’t stand it and I want to stop feeling empty and like i’m#missing a part of myself and like the words i write don’t matter gOD why can’t i just feel happy with where i am and not care what the kids#who hate me say or realize that no one cares that i’m not on much like i’m still Here and trying to interact it’s not like everyone hates me#for being busy or for liking side characters more than the main characters and just—#sorry#that felt good actually#idk what came over me#imma just. imma shower. then maybe delete my tags#sorry if anyone got this far aT ALL grace is either asleep or trying to sleep so i don’t wanna bother them since they slept poorly last nigh#okay done now for real sorry delete tags later sorry if you saw this and how freaking messed up ky freaking brain is
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#that urge to delete everything and disappear is hitting again.#sometimes it feels like having an online presence is more harmful than it is good.#if im going onto a website or a platform and getting upset more times than im not whats the purpose in using the site.#cant just up and cut everyone and thing out of my life though#that would hurt so many good people#no running. not again.#and yet i cant help but feel responsible for it all. i cant help but get upset about everything thats happened this year.#i cant help but feel like im fundamentally broken. that i cant heal or be better.#i dont know that i deserve to sometimes but i keep trying and trying#i feel like i owe it to others in a similar postion#how would everyone ive known feel if i was just. gone one day?#what if i died tomorrow.#what would happen to the people i care about#my pet cat#do i even really know what it means to care about others anymore?#do i do it right or do i ruin everything i touch.#maybe it would be better if i stopped trying. gave in. just once. im so tired.#just stopped trying. after all ive always been told i was never any good.#screaming into the void. doing all i can not to give into these harmful urges against myself all the time.#i want to be loved and cared for. i just think sometimes i dont know what that is.#maybe i cant learn. maybe i cant heal.#then again maybe i can. i guess maybe thats why im still here.#i hope someday i can believe that im truly cared for and that i won't be abandoned again.#losing people makes you feel jaded and hurt. although i understand why what happened#happened.
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Kicks a rock around. Nobody even told me goodnight
#everyone HATES me#sillyyy#but sucks a little bit#i deleted the post anyway#i dont even need attention or anything because im normal. ◕‿◕#its whatever tho we keep trucking 👍💪#ive got things to draw#things that im HATING because everything HATES MEEE#whartever#ill still try to work on it i guess#got some compliments on my DaveSprite design makes me :]]]]]]#ouhhhh guy who started art to get attention and praise i loveeee when i get attention and praise from my art#thats what its all about babie#aaaoaighee its 4 am tho i might lay back down for a bit#got the dentist todayyy#hmrrmrmrmmrmmmm
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