#I keep telling myself to cut down on the negative self talk

[coichii]

22:43 - HYUNJIN

pairing - nerd!bf!hyunjin ♥︎ fem!reader

genre: angst, comfort & college AU

word count: 0.7k

warnings: negative self talk & swearing like once

A/N : this is very self indulgent bc 2 weeks in and math is already eating my ass ! also I’m sorry if this sounds rushed 🙏🏾 like I said math is beating me rn

“Ok, then after that you carry the x and combine the common factors.” He says, but to be honest, it all sounds like gibberish to you.

Math is the hardest subject to master in your eyes. All those formulas and variables go in one ear and out the other.

Hyunjin, being the incredibly smart and sweet boyfriend he is, kindly offered to help you. Of course you gladly accepted his help, but it would be a lie say you weren’t 5 seconds away from crying.

You groan, throwing your head down on your hands. You couldn’t understand a thing. The feeling of inferiority and stupidity were wracking your brain.

“Im so stupid, why can’t I understand this.” and more self deprecating thoughts were going through your mind. You hadn’t even realized that you had started crying, or that hyunjin was trying to get your attention.

“Y/n, what’s wrong?!” You hear his voice cut through your thoughts. He looks at you, obviously panicked from your sudden outburst. “I- I don’t know, i’m just s-so-“ You can't finish before a fresh set of tears and choked sobs are coming from your body.

Immediately he’s moving to hold you in his arms, stroking your lower back as you continue to cry. Quiet praises and hushes come out of his mouth, small kisses being placed to either side of your face.

It takes you a while to get yourself together again, choked sobs turning into small hiccups. You look up at hyunjin, a small, warm smile plastered on his lips.

“Can you tell me what happened, my love?” His voice sounds gentle, slighting healing the current tears in your heart. “I don’t k-know i think I got a little frustrated” You lie. You didn’t want to tell everything about how you were feeling to him.

It’s not that you didn’t trust him, you just didn’t want to be so vulnerable. However, he obviously caught this.

“You’re more than a little frustrated. Tell me what’s wrong so I can help you baby, that’s all I want to do for you.” The way he says it and looks, has all your walls opening immediately.

“I’ve just been so stressed. I can’t keep up hyune i can’t. I can’t stop myself from comparing me to my classmates. They’re so much better than i am. They don’t cry under the littlest bit of pressure, and they certainly aren’t crying over fucking calculous. I just.. don’t know what to do anymore.” You trail off at the end, heat rushing to your cheeks in embarrassment, even more so from his lack of response. You’re about to apologize for ranting before his voice cuts yours off.

“Oh Y/n, i wish you could see your self through my eyes.” He starts, eyes warm. “You really don’t know how absolutely intelligent you are. You got into this amazing school, your writing is so beautiful it brings me to tears, the way you explain your work is so incredible, and so much more. You are the smartest person I know baby, don’t compare yourself to anyone else you hear me. Not understanding something doesn’t and will never ever make you dumb.”

All you can do is hug and kiss him. The thoughts of inferiority don’t disappear, but they are definitely drowned out by the love of your life’s words.

You pull away, flashing him a bright smile, which he gladly reciprocates. “Now, why don’t you say we take a break and watch some spirited away, hmm?”

“But love, we still have all this left to finish.” You frown. You don’t want to pull him away from his own work just for you. “It’s okay, I honestly think I could use the break too.”

You sigh as you agree, his puppy eyes he starting staring at you becoming to much to handle.

As you get up, packing away your belongings, you can’t help but to think just how lucky you got to have a boyfriend as smart, loving, and caring as him.

back to masterlist

[inevitably-johnlocked]

hey, steph! how are you, like, genuinely? not the small talk. i wanna listen

Hey Lovely 💜🖤

I want to apologize for putting this off for so long... which should be a clue as to how I am actually doing.

Honestly? Not good, but I'm trying my best. It's been... a time. Will put under a cut for those who don't want to read about the tagged items.

TL;DR – my real life is a bit chaotic, and I hide a lot from y'all because I REALLY try not to be negative here since my blog is where I come to be happy AND because I am a very private person, but I try my best to just keep going day to day as the chaos settles down slowly.

I've got some good things coming though, so I hope a week's rest next week when I'm off (and will probably take a break from here too) will reset my brain.

Work has been insane, and is most of the cause of my mental distress for the past few months. From Easter until Canada Day Weekend at my job is lovingly referred to as "Silly Season" simply because of how on-the-fly, balls-to-the-wall our workload is until summertime downtime officially begins for us. Without disclosing too much, it's basically non-stop, long hours for me until one of the 3 break weeks we get during the this long stretch happens where, incidentally because of the nature of my job and the team I work on, it actually gets BUSIER for us.

It actually ended earlier than we expected this year (yesterday) and we'll be "quieter" until the end of September now. See an opportunity, I actually took next week off between the two long weekends because my mental health has taken a severe hit and I'm having trouble just... enjoying things? I'm haven't gamed or drew in a few weeks, and blogging and writing feels like a chore. I literally just come home, file this blog, reply to one or two asks, and then go to bed, and do it all over again the next day. Day in and day out, for 3 months. On weekends I have to force myself out of my apartment because I KNOW I will sink lower if I don't leave.

On top of that, my brain has convinced me that literally everyone hates me: friends, coworkers, family, you guys, my damned plants. I just feel very alone these days and... I'll be real here, I've almost abandoned this blog a few times in the past few months. I feel like I make fic lists that no one reblogs or likes and tell me they're all shit. I post my art and I barely break 20 notes. I write something and I get maybe 2 likes. I can't really answer any thoughtful asks because my mental state's been in the shitter for months. I desperately want to reply to the few sexuality asks I have and I physically can't. Being on my computer – after working ON a computer for my day job for 12 hour days everyday – feels like too much, so I try to limit my time on the blog now too.

I just try to keep carrying on, encouraged by the once-in-a-blue-moon testimonial ask I get thanking me for still being here. I thank YOU guys for reminding me that people still like coming here.

Stressed about money and food and rent just like everyone else, and just getting frustrated at other things.

And finally, my uncle (my dad's brother and my godfather) hasn't been doing well health-wise, and he's being moved to assisted living next week. His health has been declining since Easter, so it's been a bit of worrying time for relatives.

Having my therapist helps a lot. She talks me through a lot of my complicated feelings, my sense of self and ways to cope with my anxiety and stress. I'm talking to her again next week, so no worries, gang. As I said, I just keep on keeping on.

Some positivity though:

I booked next week off to try to just... recenter myself. To forget about everything and TRY to get back to doing the things I love. I will probably take a break from this blog as well during that time to limit my social-media time. It's not ideal but I need a break from my computer, I think.

I go to the gym a lot more these days, which has helped with the seething annoyance I constantly have at work. Usually feel better after it.

And because of the gym and getting out more, I've been slowly feeling better physically, better than I have since before 2019. The break from work is for the mental health, LOL.

I'm getting my hair recoloured next week. Can't afford it, really, but I just REALLY need to feel better about myself again, and I always feel so different when I colour my hair. I was doing so good for awhile. I want that again.

Anyway, I'm sorry to bombard y'all with my complicated mess of a brain. I really do appreciate you asking, so THANK YOU. I rarely get asked in real life if I am okay because I keep very private due to past people betraying my trust. And I don't like seeing people unhappy, so I feel if I tell people about my problems, then I feel I am a burden, so I just... continue existing.

Thank you for letting me be a burden just this once.

[agirlwithglam]

what to do when someone makes you feel insecure

✧*. * · ~ thewizardliz 💋💜

✬ i very very very very highly recommend thewizardliz. shes been so helpful to me this past year and if youre not watching her, then what are you doing with your life?? she is the secret which gave me self love and confidence in myself!! i love this woman so much, when she uploads a video my day just brightens☀️.

This post is going to be completely about her video and the points she made. These are just some summaries but it’s best to watch the video bc the way she says it makes all the difference. full credits to this stunning queen for this post. ✬

★ look at the kind of insults someone gives you;

most people hate on others and say nasty things about others because they feel bad about themselves.┊ so what are they insulting you about? your looks, your intelligence, your personality, what is it? remember that "everything someone is insulting you about with no reason- that is something that they are insecure about with themselves." when someone says something to you, understand that it's just a reflection of themselves. and then just pity them and leave bc u dont need that kind of negative energy around you baby💅

★ find yourself. create yourself. KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

"when you know who you are without this person, no one can shake or rock your boat! your boat has to be stable first." you need to learn to be so stable and secure in yourself that whatever comes in, it cannot affect you in anyway! if someone comes up to you and says "you're purple" would you take it seriously? no ofc not!! you may even laugh in their face because you know that you're not purple so whatever anyone says- it does not affect you. so those insults would go 1 ear in, and through the other ear out.

★ never allow anyone to talk down on you.

when you allow someone to talk down at you for the first time, then it wont stop. they will just keep going on and it will only get worse down the line. "toxic people dont get nicer down the line." so once you tell them to stop and they continue, that is officially disrespecting me. you can leave, cut them out of your life.

★ give them a passive aggressive comment back.

(in the video liz gave some examples of things to say back and DAMNN she ate it up!) just adopt the ✨bimbo mentality✨ and act stupid :) example from her video:

someone: "you dont look good today... you look kinda ugly" liz: "aww thankyou, you know i love to look at you and everyday you just give me inspiration to be confident because if you look like that and you can be confident, then i can too."

UMMM OKAYY SHE ATE THAT AND LEFT NO CRUMBS 😋😍

★ are they even worth your time and energy??

absolutely not. those people are WAYYY beneath you honey. walk away. just walk away from these pathetic people. you will find SO MUCH better than them for they are literally UNDER THE BARE MINIMUM. "if someone has to insult you to bring you down, girl you're already above them" also look at the people you're constantly spending your time with. do they help you? do they grow you? do they add ANY kind of value?? no? then why are they still there?? why are YOU still hanging around them??? bc when does your life change? when YOU change.

★ we accept the love that we think we deserve.

why on earth do u think that this is the best you can do?? why do you think that someone who disrespects you is the best you can do? do you really think you're not worthy of the same amount of love you give out?? there are literally people out there who believe that they deserve the best and they get that! but you here are doubting yourself?? huhh?? honey what??

★ what do YOU want?

so many times we're constantly thinking 'how can we make this person happy' , 'what does this person want' , etc etc. but what about you honey? what do you want out of life, out of your relationships, etc.? genuinely, they should actually feel BLESSED to be in the same room as you, to breathe the same air as you. and here you're letting people come and talk down on you? like are you serious? PROTECT YOURSELF.

★ surround yourself with people that grow with you.

people who you surround you with, they should make you feel like the king/ queen of earth! they are meant to hype you up! they should tell you that you're amazing and beautiful! because if you don't then theres no benefit. why be with icky toxic people when you can be with people who will love you the way you love them? "im too pretty to accept this behaviour".

★ lead with your actions, not your words.

its time you stop saying stuff like "im gonna leave if you continue doing this" , "i will do this... i will do that.." no. just leave. you've said it once and they continued? shut up and leave.

start to create your exit plan. i understand that for some people, they arent able to just leave because of problems related to money, health, knowledge, a community etc. so thats why you need to start creating an exit plan.

if its money you need then start thinking: how can i get money? what job? how can i save up to live on my own? if its friends so you don't feel lonely: how can i make friends? can i join a club or a community with people like me? how can i start to meet new people? if its knowledge so you understand more about it: how can i start to educate myself about this? can i go to a library and find a book on this? can i search it up online? is there anyone else who's been through the same think and i can take advice from them?

★ not everyone you lose is a loss.

sometimes a loss is a gain. if people in your life right now have been disrespecting you and now they've left or you've left, thats a gain!! looking back the people i was friends with before- i needed them so i could grow and gain knowledge. and when they stopped being a significant part of my life, that was a gain. "it wasnt a loss, it was a lesson"

"just know that you're the queen of the earth and you can do and get anything you want if you set your mind to it."

"if you have a good heart and pure intentions, then you deserve people with the same intentions and the same heart."

[advice-go-for-it]

hey :} do you have any advice on how to break out of a depression rut? i know it isn't as easy as "forcing yourself out of it" as my parents may say it is, but i just want to know if you have any general tips or how to slowly get out of it :'}

Establishing some routines can help a lot! Setting alarms for eating, hydrating, and outside time will help. If you do something at a specific time every day, it’ll start becoming something your brain categorizes as routine and will feel wrong when you don’t do it. It also won’t take as much mental effort because your brain is used to it.

For eating, keep snacks very close by. I keep some of my favorite foods in a small box in my relaxation area, because when the alarm goes off I’ll probably already be in the relax room and won’t need to convince myself to get up and go get food.

For hydrating try the same thing. Have a water bottle with you as much as possible, in areas you know you’ll most likely be in.

For going outside, having shoes and socks right next to each other helps a lot to.

General tips are, you don’t have to do it perfect. For example, sometimes I don’t have the energy to fold my clothes. I leave the clean ones in the laundry basket, and just pick them out when I need them. They’re wrinkly sure, but still clean. Still wearable, and taking away the extra step that makes it feel like it’s not worth the effort.

Small cleaning tasks can help to, especially for that nice feeling of accomplishment. Even cleaning a small part of an area is really good progress.

Most of this post is hacks I’ve found that make life easier when depression drags you down. Don’t be afraid to take short cuts. Microwave dinners are one I highly recommend. Flavoring for water is another, as it helps a lot when the water tastes really nice.

Therapy is something that could really help, but I understand if that’s not available to you right now. I know negative self talk can be very common so try and mix neutral self talk in with it. Use an outside perspective and pretend that someone very dear to you is the one who’s messed up or saying those things about themselves. I’ve found talking to a stuffed animal helps. Look at that plushie and tell it what you would say if someone you loved was saying these things about themselves.

Remind yourself that even though it feels like you’re the exception who doesn’t deserve to be treated kindly, you aren’t. You also deserve kindness, no matter how horrible your depression insists you are.

Final advice, try and change some things up in your life. Plaster your walls with cute stickers or drawings. Customize your space. Change the route you use if you go on walks.

TW SELF H*RM

Try ice instead. Or something very spicy. There are also skin safe markers that have really helped me, and I highly recommend them.

I wish you luck and happiness in the future. You are worth it, and there is no one else in the world like you. The world would be worse if you were gone, no matter what your brain tells you.

[nerdygaymormon]

A F*cking Eating Disorder?!!!

A week ago it was determined I have an eating disorder. 

I'm having a lot of feelings about it. I mean, a f*cking eating disorder?!!! That's serious. My physician thinks I need a psychologist and a psychiatrist! I mean, yes, one is for talking and the other is for medication, but how bad is it that I need BOTH of them?

Already some things make more sense--illogical behaviors, compulsions, shame, secrecy. I’m sure even more will make sense once I begin therapy.

I'm tired of being broken. I’m tired of discovering new ways in which I was harmed. I’m mad at myself for staying in a space that caused this. Why wasn’t I brave enough to come out earlier and stand up for myself? Why did I believe all the hurtful “truths” said about queer people and use those to hate myself? I’m actually a wonderful person.

I did some really hard therapy for my social anxiety disorder. Sometimes the homework was too much and I’d sit in the car and cry, but I’d report my experience and then try again the next week. This is going to be hard, too. It scares me. I know it will lead to better physical and mental health, but the journey is going to be hell.

In therapy I learned to stop suppressing my feelings and to understand and manage them. That was a nightmare, I wasn’t used to strong emotions, I was crying all the time about everything like I was a toddler. The tests showed I’m a ‘deep feeler,’ so when I let myself start feeling again, those intense emotions were overwhelming. I’ve come a long ways, but I’m feeling so much right now that I wish I could be numb again.

I first went to therapy because I was suicidal and didn’t know what to do. I was required to share with 10 people that I was in therapy and why, and ask them if I could contact them if I needed to. This was part of my safety plan which I had to keep on me 24/7 for months. It was so embarrassing tell others and ask if it is okay to contact them if I need to. I learned people really cared. I did have to contact people a few times and ask them to say some good things about me, it was a way to break the string of negative comments streaming in my head. And they did, they always had some good things to say. Those months were the scariest of my life. Somehow I held on. I did the work. I did hard things. 

Another thing I worked on in therapy was low self-esteem. It was so bad that the first time I was asked to write a list of 10 things I like about myself, I broke down in tears, I thought really hard and felt I really stretched to get to 3. That’s it, 3 things, and it took 10 minutes to come up with them. I had minimized every good thing and accomplishment about myself to the point I had no positive feelings about them, which left only negative feelings about myself. It’s taken years to get where I can say good things about myself, accept compliments, and recognize some of the great things I do. I should never have felt that way about myself, that was self-destructive, but I believed all the negative things said about me and about people like me.

Along with working on self-esteem, I worked on my internalized homophobia and on accepting myself as a gay man. Being gay is fine, but allowing myself to try new things, have gay friends, and so on, has been breathtakingly amazing. Life is much better not having to spend so much energy trying to hide myself.

When I was a teen, I used to self harm. It was a way to change that emotional pain into physical pain. The physical pain overwhelmed the mental, it allowed me one thing to focus on. The physical pain was localized, the emotional pain seemed endless. Rather than cut or burn, I would hit my head repeatedly against the wall or lockers in the hope that I was causing brain damage and it would help lessen my ability to feel. I couldn’t see a life that wasn’t pain. I didn’t believe there could be happiness ahead for me in my life. 

C-PTSD means I have the symptoms of PTSD but it wasn’t caused by a shocking, scary, or dangerous event. Instead, C-PTSD is caused by ongoing trauma which lasts for months or years, while PTSD may be caused by a single traumatic event. YEARS. As a result, sometimes a trigger brings back strong feelings. I don’t just remember how I felt, I relive those feelings. 

As I had a serious discussion with my physician last week and talked about eating disorders and my mental health history and she asked questions screening me for depression or distress, it brought back these feelings I have around all the things I’ve worked on. 

I’ve worked hard but my life still isn’t all put together and figured out. Part of me feels like I’m drowning and I don’t know how to swim. I have to remind myself that I can swim, I’ve swum through some choppy waters. I can’t look at how far I need to go or it will feel like too much, just keep focused on my breathing and on moving forward. 

I’ve started telling a few friends because I’m sure I’ll need a support network. I know from experience it’s better if I have people who love me that I can turn to when I need them, like they’re my floaties (sorry, trying to fit this into the swimming metaphor)

[earlgreytea68]

As a certified FOB/Peterick scholar, I was hoping that I may please present to you a lyric-related question that's been bugging me for a bit: In "What A Catch, Donnie", do you think the Miss Flack in the line "Miss Flack said I still want you back" is Pete, or Patrick? I believe Pete has referred to Patrick as his Roberta, as in Roberta Flack, but if the song is supposed to be from Patrick's POV, it wouldn't make sense for Patrick to be referring to himself as Miss Flack in that context. I can't tell whether Pete chose to cast himself as Miss Flack in this instance, and he's the one cutting through Patrick's negative self-talk in the verses by telling him "I still want you back", or if the verses are Pete talking to Patrick, and Patrick is the one saying "I still want you back". It 's a devastating line either way, but I'd love to hear what you think!

WARNING: DISCUSSIONS OF SUICIDE BELOW. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please reach out.

~~~~~~~~

I have also often puzzled over "What a Catch, Donnie" because yes, they both say the song was Pete writing pretending to be Patrick, but I don't think it completely lines up.

First, the reference to Donnie in the title is clearly to Donny Hathaway. That would seem to be the Pete equivalent in the Donny Hathaway/Roberta Flack friendship, and that lines up with the idea that the song is supposed to be Patrick talking about himself. If "Donny" = "Pete," then the title of the song is effectively Patrick being like, "Look what a catch I am," self-deprecatingly (the way the line shows up in the rest of the song)?

But I've long thought that the song isn't really as straightforwardly about Patrick as they claim it is, because none of their lyrics are as straightforward as that. We know that Patrick picks and chooses lyrics from all over and that Pete doesn't sit and write a whole song from start to finish, and I really have no reason to believe that "What a Catch" went through a different process. So I have long thought that what they mean when they say Pete was writing from Patrick's POV is really the song's chorus and verses. That wry, self-deprecating chorus really does seem like it suits Patrick's thoughts about himself, in Pete's voice. But I think the bridge (which stands out in several ways) is from Pete.

So the chorus is Pete writing from what he supposes to be Patrick's POV. That fits that last line in the chorus: "All I can think of is the way I'm the one who charmed the one who gave up on you." If the "I" in the chorus is meant to be Patrick ("I've got troubled thoughts"), and we assume that's still true of the last line in the chorus, then Pete is the "you" there (c'mon, they're always singing to / writing about each other, they're always each other's "you"). And that makes perfect sense: The one who gave up on Pete ("you") is Pete ("I've already given up on myself twice"). And who's the person who charmed Pete? Patrick. Like, if this chorus is all about Patrick, then it's about how Patrick thinks he's no big deal but he cannot get over the fact that Pete keeps insisting he IS. And this is the truest encapsulation of their dynamic ever, this comes up again and again in their interviews. Pete keeps insisting Patrick is so great, and Patrick must sit and turn that over and over in his head endlessly in those times when he just Doesn't Get It.

But, even though this is a song written from Patrick's POV, I still think it's mostly about Pete. Which kind of makes sense in its own way, especially for this time period of their relationship, that the person Patrick is most preoccupied with is Pete. Patrick muses about captains going down with the ship, but that's a thought about Pete: Pete literally casts himself as the captain going down with the ship in the video. If Pete is the captain of their band, does he have to go down with the ship? Even the first verse is ambiguous enough to make it seem like it's Patrick talking about Pete. It doesn't say who said, "I'll be fine 'til the hospital or American embassy." Patrick swallows the pronoun. That feels like something Pete may conceivably say to Patrick, at least in some guise: I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine, don't worry.

So, as I noted at the beginning, I have always interpreted the dichotomy of the referenced relationship to be Patrick being equalled to Miss Flack. So when Patrick sings that Miss Flack still wants "you" back, I do think he is in effect referencing himself will talking about Miss Flack, and the line is meant to be sung from Patrick to Pete: Patrick still wants him, he always wants him, Roberta Flack was devastated by Donny's suicide and would presumably give everything to have him back. To me, that's exactly what Patrick is saying to Pete, couched in a layer of remove by claiming that it's "Miss Flack" saying it. And, since Pete wrote the line, since Pete established the analogy of Patrick and Roberta Flack, it is Pete recognizing that this is also how Patrick feels. Which I'm sure they discussed. To me, that line always feels like he put it in as a concrete reminder: people would miss you. Patrick would miss you.

And it connects so nicely with the overt promise of the bridge, which I think is definitely a shift to Pete being the "I": I will never do that to you. Keep a calendar so you will know. There's an acknowledgment that he came dangerously close ("I already am") but also an acknowledgment of the different outcome he had. They literally give the bridge to a different singer, as if signaling the pronoun change there (in a Broadway show, this would be the bit sung by the other calendar, acknowledging the love and affection being shown toward him). And we know Patrick keeps a detailed calendar, it's been referenced a few times in interviews, so that "keep a calendar" line seems tailor-made to be an exhortation from Pete to Patrick. (Plus, we know for a fact that the bridge either got reused OR was borrowed from another song, we don't know the order they were written, but that reprisal has always made that bit of "What a Catch" stand out just that little bit more as being just Different from the rest of the song).

All of which is to say, I think part of "What a Catch" is Pete writing from Patrick's POV (and, according to Patrick, getting it right), and that inevitably includes Pete recognizing not just Patrick's troubled thoughts and low self-esteem but how vitally important Patrick is to Pete and how much worry he causes in Patrick. And, of course, how much Pete wishes he didn't worry him so much. This is a song supposedly about Patrick's low self-esteem, but it's Pete who really reveals how little he thinks of himself as a friend, freaking everyone out by giving up on himself.

And I guess what this really means is that this song about Patrick is really a song about Patrick and Pete. Because of course it is.

[nico-nico-suavecito]

Trans Year of Gratitude

Despair mitigation in the face of unceasing tragedy - a reflection on the last year following the Club Q shooting.

One year ago on Trans Day of Remembrance, I was scheduled to speak at my friend’s church about the nonprofit I work for. I was going to talk about queer joy and trans youth and all the work the church has supported us in doing. Then, I was going to pick up my partner and we were going to drive to Phoenix to visit my chosen family there, with a stop in Santa Fe.

I woke up that morning to a deluge of text messages and notifications, asking me if I was okay. I couldn’t tell you which headline first crossed my vision that finally pieced it all together. Just the flash of words. Club Q. Shooting. Injured. Dead.

In the months before this, I’d been in a state of trans revelry. I was back on testosterone. I was experimenting with self-expression and letting myself be the alt boy I never got to be in high school. My friends and I were going out dancing each week. I’d just entered a T4T relationship and was head over heels in love. I’d just restarted the queer open mics in October after a covid hiatus and was excited for them to be a regular event again.

I still went to church that Sunday morning, for possibly the first time in years. I struggled to be present — I kept scouring social media for news, reading my friends statuses and comments. “Has anyone heard from…” “Can someone confirm if they’re safe…”

I still went up to speak. Through tears, I wondered at our holidays. Trans Day of Visibility. Trans Day of Remembrance. I felt so much rage, the kind of rage that is love at its fiercest. We deserve better holidays than this. We deserve trans days of joy, and love, and everything beyond survival.

When I sat back down in the pew, I opened my phone. I saw that Daniel, who had been to my house multiple times for hair cuts and parties and who I admired as an out and proud trans man in our community, was gone.

I broke down in the pews. As the congregation sung “We Are the Ones” by Sweet Honey in the Rock, I started to write a wishlist of everything I wanted for trans people instead of what we were given. I wished us everything from bleeding bigots to coffee in bed with those we love. That’s how trans day of i love you was written.

That day, as people were sharing my post to their story, I started collecting people’s additions to the poem because they gave me hope and gratitude.

On the way to Phoenix, my partner Brin and I cried, wondered at the future that was feeling ever more uncertain, and we sang at the top of our lungs with Say Anything - Alive! Alive! Alive with love!

That night, when we made love in a Santa Fe hostel, I felt a certain urgency. Life felt so precious, so fleeting. I wanted to devour her. I wanted to be swallowed up by beauty.

She woke up the next morning with a cough and chills. One positive covid test and a six hour drive later, and we were back in Colorado Springs.

Like last year, I am in my house today, quarantining because of covid. This time, it’s been near impossible to find a PCR test to confirm it. My rapid test was negative, as it often has been when I’ve had covid. Still, in trying to keep my community safe, I can’t go to any memorials. I’m writing this instead.

In the months following, I was often asked, in interviews, by allies, in loaded how are yous, about how things are for queer people in Colorado Springs in the aftermath of Club Q. Whether things were better now that Colorado Springs has double the rainbow flags on display than it once had.

I think people want to hear that things are better. Increased support for the queer community in the aftermath would help our human desire for life to have a narrative in which tragedy serves a greater purpose. But it doesn’t. People are dead who should not be dead. They should be here, living their lives, with countless moments of joy before them. People are alive and still suffering their wounds, both physical and mental, with insufficient support. The needs of survivors have been buried beneath greed. Queer- and transphobia continues to be alive and well.

I don’t go dancing without knowing the emergency exits. Hiring security is now an essential part of hosting queer open mic, and this precaution is also salt in the wound.

What I can also say is that this community is so strong. The queer people of Colorado Springs continue to organize, fight, and live with a vibrancy that inspires me every day. We are the ones we’ve been waiting for.

Still, following Club Q, the world feels more uncertain than ever. It’s an uncertainty that’s been growing — long before Q, long before covid, long before Trump.

It’s hard to look at the shooting in a vacuum. After all, every piece of anti-trans legislation that was introduced this year feels like salt in the wound that Club Q tore open. How can anyone heal when every day there is a new headline about a new group of people who want to legislate against you and people like you.

These years have begged so many questions, questions that many people in this country have been asking for decades: What does America hold in store for us? This country that cares so little for all its people that it would feed them to the maw of capitalism, a hungry god that can never be satiated? A country that let us down to the tune of one million covid deaths and counting? A country that shows time and time again how little it cares for the most vulnerable, with every mass shooting, every piece of anti-trans legislation, every new covid case, every instance of police brutality against people of color, every gallon of petroleum that will push us over nature’s tipping point, every dollar funding the genocide of Palestinians?

Recently, a friend of mine posted on Facebook asking how anyone can feel any peace and joy in the world these days.

I’ve spent the majority of this year trying to figure that out after years of burnout that, despite the fact that I have so much to be thankful for, had embedded a deep exhaustion in me that left me often anhedonic and withdrawn from, not only the world, but myself as well. I worried that this exhaustion would mean the end of my life-long career in activism and organizing at best, and the ultimate succumbing to despair at worst.

I am a person prone to despair, and have been since I was a kid. Not just sadness, but despair — a helpless emotion, a sadness without hope. I’ve always taken the world very personally. The first time I met depression and suicidality were in middle school when I watched An Inconvenient Truth. This started a year-long spiral, during which I was convinced that human beings were parasites destroying this earth, and as a human being, there was no way I could logically justify my existence. Despair has accompanied me since, even when I eventually realized that people are capable of immense love and beauty, and that the real drain on this earth is capitalistic greed and fascism.

I want to share here what has helped me as the case for despair has only continued to grow, in the hopes that it may offer a way forward for those who, like me, struggle at times to get out of bed, and who feel like they are often at the precipice of being consumed by said despair. And, as with everything I write, this is also a series of reminders to myself, as knowledge doesn’t always equal practice. I have been in a very despair-forward place lately, so I am hoping I might course correct myself in writing this all out.

I believe the three prophylactics against paralyzing despair are gratitude, hope, and action. I believe them to be three sisters unified in a dance, their chalices held to the air in service of joy. When I speak of joy, I don’t speak of the mythology of capital-H-Happy. I don’t think there is such a destination. I think of joy as a tool of resistance. I think of it as that which fuels us forward, in even the darkest of times.

If I am to continue to be an engaged and active resistor against that which seeks to annihilate all of us - corporate greed, bigotry, fascism, I can't be overcome by despair, despite being very prone to despair, as I've been for as long as I can remember. In that way, joy serves a vital purpose in the revolution.

Gratitude is a muscle I am trying to work out every day. I think we owe it to this world, this world that continues to be so full of beauty, despite all of the terrible things that happen within it, to try and be grateful for what is here and good right now. These moments — my boyfriend bringing me coffee in bed, the bird stopping by my bird feeder, sitting on the dock of the lake by my house, every time I go out dancing at the gay bar and nothing bad happens — these moments feel more precious than ever. I try to savor them, despite the knowledge that 1. terrible things are happening or can happen at all times, and 2. these good moments are likely to become more and more scarce for all of us if fascism and climate change progress at the rate they are. If I become overcome by despair with this knowledge, the reserves of my hope go unfilled and I can’t be of service to this world. So, I have to be grateful. I have to savor what’s good.

Gratitude also provides the foundation of hope. Hope is an intentional choice, and not one made easily.

“People speak of hope as if it is this delicate, ephemeral thing made of whispers and spider webs. It’s not. Hope has dirt on her face, blood on her knuckles, the grit of cobblestones in her hair, and just spat out a tooth as she rises for another go.” — Tweet by Crowsfault

Without hope, there is nothing to fight for. There is nothing to build toward. We have to have a vision of what can be. So many forces seek to take imagination from us, but we have to be able to imagine the future we want to build, not just the systems we want to dismantle. Admittedly, my imagination isn’t what it used to be — chronic stress has weakened it, but the gratitude that I am present with helps rebuild my imagination of what could be.

I am grateful when I see my trans friends happy and safe. What if all trans people got to be happy and safe. What if we could live their lives without an ounce of fear. What if we got to dance with abandon, without thinking of the emergency exits.

I am grateful when I see my trans friends have access to gender affirming health care. What if all trans people had access to gender affirming health care. What if it was free, and easy to access. What if that was the case for all health care for everyone.

I am grateful when I get to be in nature and feel how I am part of it, how I am, in the words of Alan Watts, “the universe experiencing itself.” What if we all felt that way. What if we all realized we create ourselves in the forge of how we love the world around us.

I am grateful for the organizers, the activists, the changemakers, the artists. What if the world was guided by people like them, people who lead with such a fierce love?

When I feel overcome by dread, it is their words that buoy me. One poem I return to often is Ross Gay’s “Catalog of Unabashed Gratitude.” If I go outside and listen to it and watch the birds, and the clouds, and the people pass by, I can mainline enough hope into me that I can at least do what must be done. Work. Love the people I love. Create. Organize and advocate. If I’m lucky, there will be enough beautiful things that happen that day that I can find more gratitude and hope to keep me going.

Hope and gratitude would be empty platitudes without action, the truest triumph over despair. I think that we all have roles to play in this world inundated with pain. I think we as a community are in the process of learning the power of our voices. The ways that we can amplify gratitude, and hope, and action in all we do, all we share, all we write, all we create.

I have started to see it as a cycle. Act. Act until you must rest and remind yourself of a future you can hope toward to motivate you. If you can’t envision a future you can hope for, be intentional in being grateful for what is so that you can see what can be. If you need to be reminded of what is, seek and create moments in your life that kindle the flames of your gratitude.

I say all this, and still, there are some weeks I can barely leave my bed. I always try my best, but my best isn’t what it used to be. But I have to try and try and keep trying. And gratitude, hope, and action, however foolish and futile they might feel at times, are the best ways I’ve found to try right now, so that we might be able to continue to fight like hell for the people we love, both dead and alive.

P.S. A note for you, reader. I am grateful you’re here. What if the world had more people like you? What would be possible then?

[sevicia]

I did have a catastrophe-level miserable negative self esteem moment the other day when I realized that even if there WAS a way to completely shut down the part of my brain that insists on wanting love and turns every loose thought into a disgustingly cheesy romantic fantasy, I would still not take the chance, I would not cut if off. I would still choose to keep it because I'm the stupidest man alive and I feed on "what if"s and I hate how people are right when they say hope is the last thing you ever lose. And I'll spend my entire life proving myself right, and when I die I'll have no one to look at and go "see? I told you so", because I can't ever talk about it IRL without feeling ashamed and stupid and pathetic and uglier than ever. And I'll keep changing the topic and I'll keep saying I don't need it, that I need to focus, and people will act impressed, maybe honestly, that I take myself so seriously. But they can tell I'm hiding what I really want, and worst of all they can tell *why* I hide it. No one can imagine me in a relationship, I can't imagine it either. Asking me about love is a courtesy the way asking someone how they're doing is a courtesy. It's pathetic. It hurts me. I wanna stop thinking about it. I can't stop thinking about it. Would it hurt more? I'm not sure. I don't wanna find out. I'm pathetic and this is stupid. I'm stupid, and this is not a big deal. You don't need a partner to be happy, and it gets hard sometimes anyways, and aren't you too naive? I worry about you. I can't see you ever falling in love. I can't see anyone ever falling in love with you. You're better off not knowing. It's not that great. It's not even worth trying, most of the time. I can say this because I've got a ring on my finger. I can say this because I know more about this than you ever will. You should just stop thinking about it, but I'm not gonna say that. I can't say that because it's cruel, and you're too naive, and I feel sorry for you, but I'm not saying that either. You worry too much, and this is not a big deal, but you don't get to find out why. Maybe you should just work on yourself. No one likes a sore loser.

[arklayraven]

Spoilers for Asmo-Chan Overindulges card

I gotta kinda vent/rant about this...And yes I will be mentioning Solomon in this. So you have been warned.

Also keeping properly untagged and reblogs off for obvious reasons...

Won't lie, I dislike seeing Asmo drink a lot and becoming like this...I love him to bits. He's my everything and I just want him happy and doing what he loves. But I sadly have a line I don't like crossed, and that's people drinking a lot and getting drunk, especially around me.

I know this is just part of Asmo's character, hell even Lucifer indulges a little(okay a lot) on drinking too much until he's just a blabbering love fool desperate for MC's love and attention. But even that side of Lucifer, I don't like much...

I mean when Luci said he loved me while drunk...It triggered me, and made me really upset. because I had someone do same to me in the past but that love to me ended up not being genuine in the end...

As stated before, I don't like it because of personal bad experiences...But guess I'll add more to my reasons...I don't like dealing with people who are drunk, and get too emotional too from it, because it honestly puts me on edge and all...Like some can be total drunk sweethearts yeah, but others...Like Solomon for example from that one time in NB...can come off so unsettling, hurtful, scary and controlling.

Like I don't like this side to Asmo much...I won't deny it, but I'll take this any day than dealing with what I had to deal with from Solomon again. Like that moment with Solomon triggered me, lol, and I don't want to deal with that again...

Then there's more to say, when it comes to Asmo...I'm gonna make some guesses here and all. But here's what I just thought of...

Asmo seems to drink more if the option is there, when he starts to feel self conscious of himself, and possibly of his relationship with MC. (as shown after he increased his drinking after he thought Mammon was flirting with MC) If he feels things aren't going his way or is fearful of possible hurt, rejection or all coming soon. Then he'll resort to drinking to run away from the feelings and all. What better way to numb the pain or ignore your feelings than drinking right?

Well...sadly its not the answer obviously, and I do appreciate we get the options in the devilgram here shown, to tell Asmo he's drinking too much. Or he's had enough, etc. Like that's love to me, to be there to take care of your dear one, when you know they've clearly reached their limit or went beyond it, and to be there to stop them and take care of them.

I can't blame Asmo for going to just lengths when he starts to feel those negative emotions though. I don't drink alcohol, will never will for clear reasons. But I don't deny I do resort to drinking more coffee than I should, when I start to feel too upset and all. Does it do anything to help? No. But I like to fool myself I guess into thinking its comforting me, when in reality I know I'm just hurting myself more than helping myself... (honestly shout out to Asmo for telling me i'm drinking too much coffee and he's been growing concern...been trying to learn to cut it down now.)

...I gotta talk about Solomon again, lol, its just bothering me...

I'm just thinking about that night he and Asmo made a pact together. He knew Asmo wasn't okay, and was drinking too much. Yet instead of showing care and concern over him. He just was first annoyed by Asmo just seeking out some comfort and someone to listen to him vent/rant. But then started to have interest in Asmo after he learned Asmo was Lucifer's brother...and well...we know what happens after that...

I just hate it...Asmo deserved better...Deserved someone who showed much concern and love to him when he was getting in that state or found like that. Thankfully, MC, if you choose it that is, can be that person finally Asmo deserves in his life. I'm grateful for that from the writers at least...

There's more I'm sure I want to talk about but lost my train of thoughts. So stopping here. lol

[apoptoses]

how did you stop comparing your writing to other people's? if you can please share some of what helped for you ❤️

So. First things first. Step away from the fic.

Seriously. We have to develop the skill of being objective about writing before we can stop comparing.

Fic typically has a certain kind of writing style so you've gotta diversify your portfolio of inspo. Take a week long AO3 cleanse. Pick up a few books at the library, watch that movie you've been meaning to watch. Read some books about writing technique and only once you mentally feel refreshed can you come back with a clear mind.

And if you stop reading about your blorbo and start reading about some character in book you don't care a ton about you can disconnect. We project onto our faves, it's just a fact. So when you're reading a shitload of fic about your fave you're thinking 'yes, this is how i see them, no this isn't how i see them' and then you get into the spiral of 'but this is how i wish i could write about them' and you're on a one way train to Sadness.

But! Picking up, say, Call Me By Your Name- Elio and Oliver are fun, but they're not My Guys. So I can look at their experiences in the book more objectively and then actually look at the writing style itself. It's like taking two steps back from a painting and suddenly seeing the whole image at once. If you're too close (physically and emotionally) you're cut off from the big picture.

Then when you pick up a writing technique book, you can start seeing the stylistic choices used in Thing You Just Read But Are Not Too Close To. Get back into your literary analysis mindset. Get objective.

Now that you've done your cleanse, come back to a favorite fic. Print it out or download it to your phone. Treat it like an academic exercise. Highlight what you like about it. Figure out what skills that writer had to work on- was it description of places? Was it word choice?

Put those skills into a list of things YOU, the writer, want to work on. And then research how to get better at them! Remind yourself that you're learning and then you'll find yourself comparing in a objective way and not a self-esteem based way.

Now on the psychological side-

Comparing yourself comes from being insecure in some way (I know this, I have been there, I have suffered a lot from it). You gotta work on your self talk.

I've said this before, but work on changing the way you think about your work.

this work sucks -> this story needs edited

X writes blorbo better than me -> I need to reread the source material and write some meta about this aspect of blorbo

X's fic is so much better than mine, I'll never be that good -> X has spent a LOT of time working on their fic and if I work hard my fic will be good too

It sounds silly but god, it works! If I catch myself saying a negative thing then I stop myself, figure out how to reword it, and say that thought to myself in the new, not harsh way. Your brain works like a muscle, you've gotta train it until it remembers these things and you catch yourself before you spiral.

Also, if the person you're comparing yourself to is your friend- ask them about how they do the thing in their fic you like so much!

Remember that they're human too and are likely hitting the stages of grief as they write, and they're here to support you. My most feared writers are now my friends and I go to them for support when I'm in the weeds of self esteem.

Finally, if comparison is stopping you from sitting down and writing at all, you gotta just push through that pain. Write something. No pressure, it can suck, just put a 100 words down. And then the next day do something different. And the next. Just a 100 words! Until something sticks and you feel like you can keep going with it. And then apply previous steps so you don't give up before you're done.

And then? Post it. Fuck it. Your brain might be telling you it's not as good as X's fic but someone is gonna come into your comments and gush about loving it. If you can't post it because you're proud, then post it for the validation. Just share the thing so it becomes habit.

Lastly.

It's fic. We're not competing. We're not getting paid. We're doing this for love of our characters and if you're comparing and struggling with negative self talk then you're not having fun. Figure out what it'll take for you to find the joy in fandom and then try again.

I hope some of this helps! It's so hard but being objective about it is the most important thing you can learn to do ♥ And I promise, your work is better than you tell yourself it is.

[thehealingplum]

Stress and trauma can and will fuck up your view of the world.

I have depression and anxiety. Mental illness, substance abuse, and trauma run rampant in my family.

I was mainly just. Consistently sad. I tried my best to have fun and enjoy life, but I had my parents telling me I was doing everything wrong. I was confused and they kept telling me that family is all I should trust, despite both of them having poor relationships with their family. So despite my efforts to build relationships, there was an underlying feeling of "they probably hate me because that's just how people are" because that's how I was raised.

The only way I was able to get away from that mindset was to cut my parents off. Both of them had bad habits of manipulation. Both of them were alcoholic. Both of them were condescending. Both of them held past mistakes over my head.

When the pandemic hit, I had less exposure to the outside world. Meaning I was left with my dad and his wife. Thankfully I spent a whole lot less time talking to my mother but still. All of them were there. In my head. Messing with my perception of the world. Along with the shitty Christian radio station that made a lot of hurtful statements about lgbtq folks and us younger generations. They broke me down. I was surrounded by negative feelings and all I could do was absorb it.

With no proper outlets I just leaned on friends and acquaintances constantly to the point of craving their validation. Anyone who paid attention to me. Anyone that allowed me to be myself. I wanted to make sure they'd be in my life forever.

This caused people pleasing. Keeping the peace. Constantly asking if people thought I was an okay friend. Constantly talking about how worried I was about how people felt about me. Pressure. Pressure. Pressure. I didn't realize how stressful it was until it was too late.

I'm rambling now but. I guess I just like to tell people about my personal struggles cuz I don't want people to have to go through the same hurt.

Be kind to one another. Try to keep encouraging each other. You don't know what people are going through. They could be completely broken because of a shitty family or an awful job.

I'm not saying completely sacrifice your own time and sense of self for someone. I did that and I fell apart.

Just. Do your best to be kind to people. No harassment. No malicious intent. Live a life of love.

[chaoticsoft]

I Turn 30 in 6 Days. Here Are Some of the Things I've Learned:

Cut your kitchen sponge in half. They really don't need to be as big as they are to get the job done and it makes the pack last way longer.

Cheap(er) shampoo, expensive conditioner.

If you can afford their care, a little animal companion does wonders for your mental health.

Learning languages is a cool and sexy way to keep your brain malleable.

Speaking of malleability, stretch your muscles every single day. Every. Day.

If you are someone who gets a period, menstrual cups are something that's improved my quality of life so much. Reusable, cloth pads and period underwear are also game-changers. Good for the environment and you save so much money.

If a job hires you on the spot, like immediately, barely asking you a single question about your qualifications, there's a 97% chance that job is going to be a disaster.

In a similar vein, if someone gets very, very serious about you/tells you they want to marry you after barely dating for like a month, that is a red flag. While there are cases where it can work out, 9 times out of 10, that person is not in love with you (How can they be? They don't know you yet), and is simply desperate to be with someone, anyone, doesn't really matter who. Not a healthy foundation for a relationship.

Protein helps a hangover. Everyone finds their own little things that work for them, but my personal favorite remedy is steak & eggs.

Speaking of alcohol, I am of the "harm reduction" school of thought. If you're going to drink (or do drugs, for that matter), do it at home where you are safe and around people you trust. Use as little as possible and take tolerance breaks.

Cooking doesn't have to be complicated. If you can read, you can do it. The easiest thing ever is soups. A good rule of thumb is to start with something from the allium family (leeks, garlic, shallots, onions), something to add bulk like your potato of choice, carrots, butternut squash, then something leafy for texture like kale, bok choy, cabbage. Nutritional yeast can add a wonderful flavor.

Try and have at least one healthy, easy meal you can make when you're in a bad headspace. My go-to is lentils cooked in vegetable broth eaten over microwaveable rice. Or I throw a bag of frozen vegetables and a can of coconut milk into a pan with turmeric, ginger powder, cayenne pepper, coriander, etc.-- Bam, vegetable curry in like 10ish minutes.

Sex toys are tools to achieve or enhance sexual pleasure. A partner who is threatened by a vibrator ain't shit lol.

If you, like me, were never taught how to self-soothe (regulate your negative emotions/calm yourself down without spiraling into darkness), a piece of advice my therapist offered me was to speak to myself as though I'm a very small, frightened child. To comfort a child that's crying, I would not say, "get over it, you dumb bitch" or whatever cruel, negative self-talk I tend to throw at myself. Instead, I would speak calmly to that child. I would gently soothe them, reassuring them that they are safe. I do this with myself all the time now, calling myself "sweetheart," assuring myself that everything will be okay. It has not replaced the mean, negative voice in my head, but it does always challenge and often override it.

Your healing does not depend on those who hurt you being sorry.

If you are the marrying kind, marry the one who feels like safety, who you look at and your heart thinks, "Home." Marry the one who, when they tell you everything will be alright, you can believe them. It helps, also, to find your best and deepest friendship in your mate. To genuinely like as well as love them.

[solardick]

And they cut the power

Night of romance with myself. Minus all

The trash.

What i do to deserve this time?

Ive already served a life sentence how many more years do you want?

May i have the power back now. Im sivk of thinking about how lifr fucks me. Id rather think about a pretty girl and rabbits and puppies and rainbows and shit.

But apparently thats a bad thing. Being a ositivr functional citizen promote good vibes instea dof negative ones.

But its not my choice i dont get to decide. Im just here to be fucked with. Going on 40 years.

Power. I eant to go back to working as a team slaying evil. Instead.

I think they enjoy. Fucking into suicidal longing.

Me.

I just want to lay vack on the couch wirh somebody. No need to talk. Watch a movie or binge a series. And hold them close. Lay back on my lap, even, as i touch their hair. Quiet, peace, obvess of people harming me. And think about the futire.

Ive never experience a sense of tranquility ans security before. And i most likely never will.

The world is full of heroes and villains. Not much for heroes.

No their bussy brain raping me right now.

And they cut off my internet.

Ir they kulled my xbox. No proactive social behavior from you. Mr.

Maybe bot. False alatm of attack. Got it back.

How to live in a hostil world serrounded by enemies raping upur existance while playing nice?

Is there a self help book with that tittle?

Its pretty bad when your own health care system is your enemy. Like uour not paying for its services.

You just get taxed to be fucked with. Add in all the thousands of dallards give from cig tax.

The hundreds of dalloard ive given for child health care services.

Then tell that foreigner. That he has no byssiness working in a shop of get it down attitudes while be thta feminine. He should go to walmart and he’ll be able to talk about his jappenese boy band interests to all the girls that eork there.

Can i not have a place to mtself man. I do not like the people you keep

Pairing me eith.

And my rejectiin of wellfare support. Or u enplyement. Even when ive been out of eorl for months.

All that money is going to old people that dont need ears.

All those baby boomers that gave hard pluto aspects on me.

Isnt the pluto swiare pluto about killing the homoerotic bs? The fact it happens in the i fluence of ky mother. With staurn conjucnt pluto and urabus conjucet sun. After quitting her church seasions. ….. hmm

What you trying to kill my

Mother or something. Id rather you killed my father. My motjer deserves her hell. And my dather is too much the fool to even.

That fucktard did nothing but curse and swear profanities and sexual derogatorues every moment ive ever known him.

Well that phone call did clarify one thing. They are intentional giving me poor mental health.

Swearing allows me to bypass the intensity of my bluntness

After i trained that kid and helped him overcome his self sabotaging, to have the confidence to work better.

Not many people who shw any gratefulness.

With after an hour of being fucked with by GAP opperatives. Never called the pharmacy. And to force me to repeat myself literally 12 times and over. Then i made her repeat it again. Just to own it.

It be like me teying to constantly pair they all with a bunch of mormons that they had to obey or else. Suffer the mormon punishment. All smiles and sunshine now.

And everytime you get out of line ill dose you with spychotics. Oe the equalvwnt of sleep

Deprivarion. So then they can beat on you some more. Or some group of people your prejusdice too. God knows you got more than i do.

Hey lookmim talking to the fuckers flicking my power. Like a bunch of losers. Right in sync watching on their cameras.

Fuck are they fucken with me right now. With the lights and the power. Flick flick. Fucken losers man. Good for nothign wastign their time. They could be spending on something awesome bu the waste ruining my life.

Wonder what i did to deserve it this time. Ive asked myself this question for 25 years now. Going on 26. Maybe even more. Time gets blurry the farther away uou are.

Well

So much for ever growing uo i guess. Not allowedd to.

Guess they dont want me gaming anymore.

When may i fart?

Amazing that they turned a broken tootb into this while big giant debacle to stupid rapist bs.

Well you guys did wisper that she was my wife in my ear one morning. So it must be true. Perfectly safe and sound.

Just like the family relates. No one loves you go kill yourself. If you dont want to be a woman.

Ok fune they are never going to

Stop fucken with me until i go full queer. Theres no gay for me. Im just here to be manhandled and fucked.

But im going to need two boyfriends since the relationship will be based purely on sex. The. I could quit having a job and become a ful time house wife. Then i could get fucked up the ass everynight. While sucking off my boyfriend. And ill cease being anperson. And juat become a sex addict. Perma child.

Wasting my life away year after year as they maneuver to turn me into a queer. So many years already. You’ll see man. I’ll do

Some

Pretty sick twisted ahit.

I dint understand why wveryone has always hated me so much.

Well lets go

See what they’re going to

Do

To

Me next.

And theres no other explanination other then they are all wrong. But being a minority. Doesnt affect the other side.

Soend all thise years framing me into this.

Byt theyre stupid and do t get it neither do they care. So my life is forfeit anyway with out a trial.

No one has ever gotten me right. And this is no different. What they see isnt what is there.

Its permanent. So ill be a sexually active senior?

Well guess im no longer bi-

Well, thats a no. Just fucken around like everyone.

Stay quiet. Stay alive.

Look its snothrr movie about my life. Its a real terrible movie. Its like being in your bedroom.

Theres not much left of my mind anymore. All these years of abuse have eaten away at me.

Because you jnow intook my gf cat and through it a wall because i eas mad. Of course i did. Some one said. So. Even though every kittwn sent home to be taken care off, litteraly died by a “mysteriously broken neck” same with my pet rats.

If enoigh peiple gef together the can twiste and weave whatever fabrication fits whatever make beleabe story they want. My entore teality is a hod damneed lie made by other people.

God damned i want a cigarette. Made a quick noose today. Simce im being framed and taped into suicide.

It be like ripping that kids patch on his jacket in elementary school. Mother said he cant be friends with me no more. Because im dis it in purpose. What kind of kid rips their clothing when their are playing. Oh lord. I also suppose that that kid who dislocated his knee while playing dodge ball was my fault too. Coming from a guy whos rescues baby bords from fallen trees.

When you have an entire group of peoplw intentionally pissing you off passed the breaking point. They sying oh what i bad man.

Supposed i also tried burning fown the old oga in knowlton too uh. The building i was no where near that day. Like its my fault peoplw were coming jnto my appartment and putting speed

In my food.

Or messing with me on every avenue to illicit a neutotic episode and then saying go to therapy.

Or like i tentionally teying to thrn me inot a sissy faget whole telling me gay jokes. I have an attituse problem sometimes. Really. I cant i dersstnd why. Understanding is the enemy to action. Tellign that little girl to stop making gay jokes at my expense. Or i’ll do domething about it. Gave her fair warning. Ahe didnt listen, so i made an official complaint agaisnt her. She dosnt get fired or sen tfor

An investigation. Nope. But i tell i girl to stop flirting with me and its sexuel harrasment. Ok sure why not. Seem sto me i m being punisher for what othe rpeoplw

Do to me.

Still feel guilty and bad about that kitten. But i didn’t through it agaisnt a wall. I dont kill or harm animals. Liek the tabbiys you fucktard left layign around. To suffer to be eatne alive by crows.

Now excurs eme i gave to go

Get raped i to suicide for

The crime if beign born.

Oh the reason why i stair at dildos all thr tine is because i fabtasize anout sitting on them.

Just giveng a fish a bone.

Well ill be my ass isnt infoamed for the first time in over 4 months. Coukd it be they stoped dosing me with dicknin ass desease medication?

You gonna pretend to be another storm and flicke my lights sone more.

Guess the pills i didnt take are working.

Aint nonage of aquirius here. Got to make that happen.

I already know hoe this story ends. Ends with me being dead.

Why would i get a pet. Someones hust going to kill it.

But a paa re nyly im just a peice of shit. That needs anti-spychotics while being damaged and fucked with sp i dont have neutotic episodes and i cant take my beatens in silence.

A re you allergic to milk. While here have some icecream.

So whats next in the plan to belittlement and make me feel like a small piece of shit. Surrounded but all this boys wearing their bigboy pants?

Wonder what not being attcjed feels like. Or lock in a prison cell feels like. Oh well.

Know what ive never experiences before being oaired with someone who doesnt want to hurt me. Something o the bucket list before i die. But Ll i get paired are homos. Spychotivs or criminal. Or a mix of the three. And all they do is hurt me. I hate homos now. Well modt of them. All the ones you keep pairing me with. Who speak crow.

But i feel bad that the majority are all brainwashed, manipulated and encouraged to keep it flowing.

Well

Lets go back to being derrounded by wnemies. Messing with my exixtamce. Its all i know. Its all

Ive ever known.

So thos whole thing. Is on one of my tooths tgat the dentist sabotaged broke and needs to be pulled.

Are they even using the right ascendant?

What wver it is im guilty off. It must be true. Because other peiple say it is. And othe reiple are tight because. Its just me alone. What else you got ive been thrpugh worst. Im just full of shit and a liar. So. Don’t beleive me.

Theres nothing worst than being swallowed by darkness. First time i deserved it. The bext three tomes i diddn’t.

Something you guys will never understand. Cause youve never been there. And then while your serrounded by a bumch of assholes that beat on you every other day. Wanting desperatly to say something but you can’t. And year after year. You die a little more. And all those assholes continue to treat you like dog shit. And then on those moments where you did. And they tell you. They don’t care.

And then some asshole comes and says you going to suffer for the eest if your life. Because you didn’t say anything. Yup. Hell its whwre i was born. Serrounded ny assholes. Calling me an asshole. Blow me.

Too bad a quiet place 3 is too heavily queer conditioned.

Wow people sure like making lies about me.

Apparently i told that queer foreign kid to get the fuck out of the van. Corabwrated by the guy who has the gay whis speaks crow. No. I said no im not done yet get out.

If yoyr gonna hive me shit. At least make it for somethign im guilty of instead bs that isnt even true. Which is probabbly90% of the bs toyr all

Talk about my back abouy.

Listen to my x apparently i trhoigh a cat a wall caus ei was

Mad.

Meanwhileni got family members killing my pets.

Probably already being set up for the next hit.

Injust can’t help it. I like to make people smile.

Amd its either my mother or my elsest brother whis a pet killer. Drowned a brothers turtles. Snapped a kittem neck and killed my rats.

But apparently im a homophobe whis also an asshole. Go figure.

Singled out and alone in the family. Singgled out and alone in the school, singled out and alone at work. Singled out and alone in the cominity. Always a minority always being shat on. Even in my solitude. Minding my own business.

Call me a homophobe. I have it just as bad as they ever did. Always have been under attack. And i always will. Going on 40 years. Used to be a point of solidarity. But, not anymore.

Huess the greeks were wrong. Sont lift the hydra into the light. Soesnt do anything. Its caretakers will interfeer.

Unlike you. Ive never talen oleasure or joy in fucken with people.

But it was kind of funny. Being written up on a lie. Instead of what i actually did worng, again. And then justin fidgeted behind my back when i mentioned there being a while lot of people fucking with me. Based on false accusations.

They really wanted to give me a lift home. So i said sure why not krystal. Lets see what other bs you have for me. Nice touch on the bottle of pills in your purse. Not to mention the two times you laughed at me. Well sniggered. But no one cares.

And its fun being beaten i to suicide by other peoples delusions. But thats what happens when you too busy sucking off the devils cock. Like its fun to be you.

Dont forget to share your home videos of me. In the bathroom.

Wouldnt be the forst. Wont be the last.

I want to donate some blood. Get rid of some of my dead blood cells.

Hopefully i can get back to myself again. Instead being distracted by a bunch of imbeciles. Almost died 4 times in the last four years alone. Thry think its funny. What do you call someone like that. Gotta label them somehow.

My empire is still growing. Hiw doesnt know my name. My name has more power in it then all you out together. Comming at you from the inside.

You dont love me?! But, but i shaved my butt for you. And it never grew back. What am i supposed to do now?

Rogaine.

Wonder how much longer ill survive being fucked with by all these rapist. Before i die.

What? No mire church letters to teel me salvation is coming?

Cheers in never havign experienced ehat not being fucked with feels like.

There was one girl who stook up for me. In elementary while i was being yelled by thr teacher cuase she didnt like the colours i used in my mothers day card.

Oh im goig to be late for work. God forbid if a miss another day of being manipulated and raped. Dont want ot get in trouble for what everyone else dies everyday.

Mother and sister pull by. “Hi!” Turn my head. Who is this? Oh. “ hi” keep walking. I font know who you are. Spent 30 with her. Dont know a thing about her. Uou hinna smack me around some more if, i ask a questiin?

Sorry i have an army of assholes whi treat me like a wife beater. Youbhonna smack me around dome more right after being punched in thr face by a spychopath?

Im not even going to attend your funeral. Leave me alone. Ill probablt die before uou anyway.

…. “Die now, and curse in vain.”

But it looks like hey dosed me again. Jo work tomorow. Back to suicide.

Last tine ghey brought my mither and sister into rhe picture. They gave me a masdive fose tgat put me out for over a week. They fave me break after to faux storm of twitchibg my powerbof and on. I couple days off. Aftwrcs made a noose.

Eithe rthey ruened my alarm off today. Or i did in my sleep. Considering they moniter by sevit card purchases. Its not a far cry.

Since i dontbhave the base security. I cant leave or make any decision. So im stuck here. Its the security that develops in childhood through adolescense. I dibt have that. So its for ed to be through another crisis whete i get paired woth abusive asshole.

Guess its this for the res if my life until i gave someone to talk to. Who treats me like a human being and isnt apart of the rapist comunity.

I dont even gwt to have any genuine human contact.

Just people fucken with me until i tell them to go fuck themselves and get punished for it.

Wow human contact. Well i meant it in consistency. But the breif moment. Was nice. Dont knownif it was genuine. Though.

[zoeyhope24]

Your Inconvenience Will Not Be Tolerated (Zellner+You [All]/Fiction)

TW// This will have mentions of self harm thoughts and discussions of suicide. If those topics make you uncomfortable, I suggest you don't read this as your mental health matters more than this. I advise a ton of reader discretion.

Contains: Slight bullying & positive affirmations

You: *looks out the window of the moving train*

Stranger: *staring daggers at you*

You: *turns to the stranger* What?

Stranger: You disgust me.

You: Excuse me?

Stranger: You wanna know why?

You: No. No, I do not.

Stranger: It's because-

You: I said no! Let me have some peace please?!

Stranger: And why should I? Why should I let you have a bubble filled with such disgusting words of negativity? People like you are the reason why we can't have "peace" anymore.

You: And you're spewing bullshit because...?

Stranger: Because you and so many vermins wanna shove your beliefs of death down our throats!

You: What the hell are you talking about? Have you been watching me write in my notebook the whole time?!

Stranger: Your writing is terrible! Write something else!

You: I guess this is what I get for trying to keep myself from panicking? This is what I get for trying to feel like a weight won't be on my chest anymore? Tell me, do you kiss your mommy with that big mouth? Because I have a feeling that you use it to suck di-

Policeman: Impertinent.

You & Stranger: Excuse us?

Policeman: What is the matter? I don't understand why you are causing a scene. Is there something wrong?

Stranger: Why yes, officer.

Policeman: Constable, actually. I am Constable Anton Jakob Zellner.

Stranger: Well, whatever. This [boy/girl/person] thinks [he/she/they] can shove suicide down our throats by writing [his/her/their] failed attempts in [his/her/their] stupid book of "secrets"! I CAN CLEARLY SEE [HIS/HER/THEIR] WORDS OF.....OF.......SUCH DEVILISH BEHAVIOR!

Zellner: I.....I don't understand why this fine [gentleman/lady/human] would offend you by writing their feelings down without harm. [Is he/Is she/Are they] bothering you personally?

Stranger: YES, CONSTABLE! I want [him/her/them] out of my sight!

You: Actually, I would like to stay here. This is the only available seat in this kart that has windows because I like to look at the view. This is the only kart with windows on this train alone.

Zellner: As you wish, [sir/madam/fellow].

Stranger: Really? You're siding with this vermin garbage?

Zellner: Yes I am. I would much rather help vermin garbage than help a vermin rat that sounds like needles on a chalkboard whenever they speak.

You: OOP?!😯😳🤭🤐

Stranger: *scoffs* You.....you rotten imbecile piece of-

Zellner: Your inconvenience will not be tolerated. I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to move to the next kart.

Stranger: *gets up* Asshole. *walks away*

You: *sigh* I am truly sorry you had to hear me talk about his mom.

Zellner: *chuckles* I wouldn't worry about it. May I give you a word of advice?

You: Of course!

Zellner: Your skin is something made out of epidermis. What you are doing is cutting through the epidermis like it was made of paper. Have you ever heard the phrase "Your skin is not paper"?

You: I.....have not.

Zellner: Your skin, or the epidermis, is never to be cut because the blood is important to keep in order to help function your energy. You may not care about that in the moment, but I also want you to think about something else besides you wanting to split the epidermis. Think about the trips you have always wanted to take. Think about people you want to meet. Think about...your favorite celebrity.

You: You.....you mean......Anthony Perkins?

Zellner: Pardon?

You: Oh.....I thought you knew.

Zellner: I have actually heard of him. Wouldn't you ever want to meet him one day?

You: *silently thinking for 10 seconds* I do.

Zellner: Then don't drain out your blood. Use your energy to reach your goals. I have already used mine and met my favorite author Clarissa Westmacott. That was.....before she passed 2 years later. But, I still cherish those memories in my heart for the rest of my life. Would you want to take your own life before you make a memory you always wanted to cherish?

You: I......no. No, I wouldn't.

Zellner: That journal is your key to a good life. Keep writing. That will help you from giving in to your darkest thoughts.

You: Honestly, Constable, you seem like the grand-dad I never had.

Zellner: That's.....very touching. Thank you for the gesture, young [man/lady/one].

You: I know this is an odd request, but can you please look after us passengers in this kart so that nothing bad ever happens?

Zellner: That's not odd at all. Of course I will.

You: Thanks, Constable....uh.....what's your name again?

Zellner: Constable Zellner.

You: Thank you, Zellner. *bows politely*

Zellner: *bows back*

[shufflebuff-blog]

words

Well this is a weird time. I can't tell if I'm just manic or lonely these days. Lots of people who I CAN connect with, lots of people I SHOULD connect with, and the overwhelming unfathomable depth of people I don't connect with, despite that being the primary axiom these days.

So I write to the void, not for a pen pal but because I hope my words can give me some meaning when all seems upside down.

I invite myself own in the midst of mania, in the throws of struggle and I can't help but worry about who I may become. The human imagination is a limitless font of incredible beauty, but the risks dipping your toes in too deeply might make you see the youth in every direction. It doesn't always have to be a demon that's whispering into your ear, despite that's what you want it to be.

Instead of the negative kneejerk reactionisms, I'd rather move on to being slightly more enlightened. I think I am getting there slowly, but breakups break open who you were and leaves you to collect the pieces. Sometimes you don't always get put back together the right way, sometimes some extra pieces come along with, sometimes you're missing the edges and corners. But without a constraining edge, you can reach for new potentials, new limits, and opportunities to spread beyond the tapestry of who we felt we were destined to be.

I can't help but realize that I have been deeply unhappy for many years. The passion and the void, The obligated orgasms, the disappointing despair of a long that had long slipped through our fingers. It wasn't fair to you, but I never took the time I needed to be loved. There is nothing worse than the pillars you chain yourself to as the backbone of you penance, and baby, these pinnacles are piercing the heavens. Can I tear them down?

It's finally time to start taking agency in my own life, and my goodness Im doubling down on this hard. I can't help but worry that I won't land on my feet well, but I also wonder whether it's even worth the crisis of self worth. I know what I like, I know I can actually be happy with the world I've created and explored. I can have those vast deep conversations that rub the heartstrings in harmony. I can appreciate the suspended drops of dew amidst the the grass, the crystalline dessicated husks of life after the ice.

Despite all the shit, all the things that make you check under the bed at night, all the things that make you hope tomorrow never comes, I want to cut through my blackness, your darkness everyone's deep seated doubt. I want to hold your hand. And your hand (everyone gets a hand!). We're gonna step forward, not stand stationary, to experience this goddamn beautiful existence.

Take a look at the leaves and marvel at their immaculate perfection. Listen to the squabbled calls of the starlings, chirping and cawing a song from far away, made uniquely here. The log of a mighty oak, rotted and rooted, and even in its passing, life persists amidst it's decayed core, flourishing in uncountable denizens thankful for the shelter.

These chains of inadequacy, the tethers of doubt, this grip of a paralytic time will be shed, are being shed. Despite all this, I will rise and grow, even if it must be as an ephemeral amidst the concrete jungle. I will do good, we will do great, everyone will inspire and move

For if life has no meaning, that meaning is for us to define. The ties that bind and the joy that shines will carry us to the next season in this cycles of rebirth and decay. And in this next cycle, let's forge those chains, not that keep us tied down, but rather, tied together.

I miss this community, I miss every community left to rot, especially due not to our own actions. But rather the actions around us. Reach out. Find someone to talk to and tell them everything. It's the only way to get started in this next cycle. Much love from the Crunchy Granola Grandpa (TM).

[weabooweedwitch]

Different anon here, I really appreciate when you vent here. Yeah you don't have perfect thoughts, you're not a self-sacrificing saint of patience and virtue, but seeing someone let out those thoughts without worrying about always seeming like the objectively correct person in every single situation is very liberating to me personally. I've been in a very similar family situation, and I also know I was not an angel in those circumstances either. Seeing someone else willing to talk about the nitty gritty shit instead of just "oh woah is me for they are toxic and I am but a fragile victim" fuck ESPECIALLY after you got raided for it? You're brave as fuck, brutally honest as fuck, and anyone can respect your feelings, but fuck I respect YOU. I hope you're able to cut ties eventually and live a more fulfilling life, my life didn't feel like it started until I was able to break free. I'll hold out hope for you :) (and also keep an eye out if you ever decide to take comms again because I totally missed that and would've jumped on it.)

I mean don't get me wrong, I do think and kind of analyze how I must be perceived when I say certain things, not in the sense that I adjust what I say but more so internally thinkg "I probably sound like a POS right now" but like, since part of the reason I vent is for, I guess, to help clarify certain things and, get feedback if people feel the urge to, that only comes from being honest, idk? Like I guess, not that I'm really saying this is her fault, but my mom told me "oh they only believe you because they plonly heard YOUR story" so many times I just settled into "ok well if I tell EVERYTHING as I can remember it, then I'll have more information to tell if I was right or wrong".

Like for sure I definitely overshare a lot but I also try and genuinely use it not just as comfort and just, letting loose of those negative feelings, but it's also like I guess, a diagnostic tool to gauge the situation? Idk does that make sense? Like sure I COULD write in a diary that only I can see, but would that help me realize if I'm making a mistake or if I AM the victim? Does that "answer" my racing anxious thoughts? It's like that. It's like a problem I'm trying to find the solution for.

Tbh me continuing to vent after the whole raid thing is kind of in itself a very co-dependant behavior on my part because it's sort of like, I am directly making myself a target for people to potentially really try and wound me, but it's also like, the pain of having to keep everything inside and not knowing "what I'm supposed to think" or if I'm right or wrong or, even just not being heard is really much more painful to me. The doubt and curiosity and guilt for, so many things in my life can literally eat me alive sometimes.

And I even recognize that my mom has done and tried a lot for me, more than a lot of other parents. But that also doesn't erase a lot of the issues we have? Like even if I learn to calm myself down and act more, I guess, appropriately, I would still be constantly hurt by these behaviors of hers? It would still be incredibly stressful to see her scold me for things she does all the time, and I'm still upset about how I can't even go "please don't interrupt me" and her immediate response being "but YOU interrupt ME all the time" like there is definitely a mutual respect and self improving that needs to go on, I by no means consider myself perfect in any way but I will say that I consider myself better than her at reading poeple and trying to behave appropriately and empathetically. one thing that had bonded us when I was younger was, it sounds fucked up in hindsight but when we were having so many problems with my sister we would be discussing like, what do we do, how do we act around her, hey did you notice that thing she did that might be a symptom, and my mom would tell me I was so so good at predicting how my sister would respond, not even inherently in a manipulative way, like I would go "im afraid if we tell her XYZ that that will only make her angry and she won't want to talk to us" and even with these recent stressful events with her, she praised me for being able to try and communicate with my sister as best I could and even after, like, that really stressful awful visit, she turns to me and says "you were right, you were totally right, she did exactly what you thought she would do"

And its like, I just wish, she respected me enough to try and give some credence and, idk, if im smart enough when talking about everything else, why am I never smart enough when I say "hey mom this thing you did, i think was wrong and it hurt me" or even just "hey mom please don't do that thing, I think that's really irresponsible and could backfire on us" and she just gets defensive. Like, to list an example of something that doesnt even have to do sith our relationship, she says I criticize her driving too much (which I totally admit I can do sometimes, I've been having nightmares since childhood involving being in the car and I'm naturally anxious in cars) but like then I can list examples of "hey mom when you turned left at that light you literally swung over so early you were briefly in the oncoming traffic lane and crossed over the double yellow line to get into your lane, you should drive farther forward and THEN turn, i see you do this almost every day" and its just automatically "ugh Miranda it's every day with you, I can't do one single thing right"

It's almost like you know, I'm losing my patience because she won't like review her actions, and then I have to bring things up all the time, and then she just feels attacked because I'm bringing them up all the time and this almost stubbornly refuses to do anything about it almost out of spite it feels like, which then just. Makes me more impatient and call those things out more.

And on another note, like I constantly whiplash between "God she drives me crazy, I hate her, she doesn't deserve my respect, she's stupid, i have to run away and never ever see or talk to her again" to "no I want to hug my mom and tell her about all these interesting things I've read and us watch TV together and smoke together and I'll miss her when I'm gone, I have to have to HAVE TO try and fix this before it's too late because what happened between her and HER mom has done so much damage to her". We might have a bad argument where I say shitty things to her and she says shitty things to me and we could be in the car as she drives me to work and I might try and make some small talk because, idk maybe it's BPD or mood regulation but sometimes I can move on from things quickly, and she'll just give me the silent treatment or reply with something snarky and I'll think "yeah I guess I deserve that"

And other things i worry about are like, when I was living in Florida with roommates there was an incident where she slipped and fell on the ice and she had horrible body aches and was struggling to go to the store and buy food for herself and I was panicking and wanting to try and have food delivered for her? She sometimes struggles to take the trash out because she needs her knees replaced and she's kind of, always had chronic issues she's still trying to find the cause for, and like, before this recent round of our relationship getting worse we had been discussing trying to get a first time homeowners loan together so we could finally settle down somewhere and have permanant housing, something that was OURS, no more apartments, no more awful neighbors

But those things are only possible if we can work together and both of us have issues? Both of us have our own problems that have to be worked on, and, I often wonder if either one of us are just "stuck in our ways" but there are so many times where, like, obviously money is a factor but there are so many times I'm not seriously looking into moving out not just because I'm scared of being on my own but also scared of leaving her by herself and scared that, what if we break that bond and never see each other again and suddenly one of us gets into an accident or she gets sick or, you know?

And on a flipside of that, while I was living away and paying my own bills and having you know my first ever job, she needed to borrow money from me a few times and it kind of devastated me because I thought, "oh I'm finally away and taking time for myself and she's still having trouble handling things, why can't I be allowed to focus on me, have time for me, have money for ME" because like. I do consider myself a caring and empathetic person but a lot of situations were pretty much forced on me where I had to expend myself or at least my mental energy on her specifically till I just felt, empty and unappreciated and used up.

I also recognize my mom wanting to use me as a friend and therapist also stems from issues she has with being able to trust and maintain relationships with other people but that's unfortunately a thing only really she and a counselor or something can focus on. I shouldn't have been tasked with, well, by her own admission there were many times where I was her sole pillar of emotional and psychological support and that was. That was such a heavy weight on a kids shoulders? And it eventually got to the point where I would say "hey mom sometimes i feel like you only talk to me when you need something or have to complain" and she'd brush me off until, I reached an age where I would tell her straight to her face "I don't care" because she wouldn't let me set those boundaries where her venting to me was a consensual thing, it eventually became "obligatory" and it'd literally be her like, talking and talking where you haven't said anything for like 5 or 10 minutes straight and I would see her do this to my grandma to the point my grandma would literally hold the phone away from her ear and occasionally only "check back" to see if she was still going.

Like when I try and step back and look at things analytically, I think a lot of this anger and resentment in me stems specifically from my pre-teen/teen years. I was still a kid and still emotionally vulnerable and, you know, not fully developed and needing my own help, but I was mentally and emotionally "mature" enough that my mom often confided a lot in me, and even later on she admitted she tried to treat me more as a friend than as a mom, but, it got to a point where I was a huge source of support to her in ways that were damaging to me. Like jesus when I first started working and me and my mom would like, talk about my day and my problems with coworkers, I remember, I so vividly remember thinking "gosh it's sure nice to like actually be able to understand this stuff now" because I would be in elementary or middle school and she'd be talking about complex inter-work issues I literally couldn't understand? I couldn't even understand or become invested in what she was trying to say and then "wasn't allowed" to disengage from the subject. I would be in a car with her liyerallt wanting to bail out onto the road because she'd be talking and talking and not even checking if you're listening or following along

I just. I constantly have to ask myself if this is a situation that can br permanantly improved and "be normal" and, that's going to take work from both of us, and unfortunately both of us are pretty good at finding excuses