#I just want to be able to get up eat shower exercise whenever I like

[heyitsphoenixx]

.

[autistic-duck]

It really sucks when you realize that a survivor's mentality is not a sustainable model for working full-time.

I can't go into every day thinking, “Oh, if the bathroom is occupied during lunch then I'll just wait to pee when I get home” because that is survival. I'm just surviving until I can get to a safe time and place. I am literally holding in pee for eight hours straight, feeling more and more pain because I can't figure out a better time to go to the bathroom.

I can't keep doing that.

Every day, it becomes, “If you can just sit still for a couple more hours, you'll get to move a little bit.”

Or, “if you can just hold in the tears until you can sneak into an empty room, you'll be able to make it through the day without anyone knowing you're upset.”

(Click “keep reading” to hear a more detailed explanation)

I started work this week, and I had completely forgotten just how awful it is to try and exist in a way that doesn't seem off-putting (or scary) to other people.

I had to do two eight-hour blocks of time alone away from home, which I hadn't done since high school, and I'm already realizing that my old methods no longer work.

I legitimately can't mask the entire day anymore. I can feel my joints groaning under the stress. My cells are feverish with the desire to stim. My mind is slowly melting under the fluorescent lights. The voices, the droning voices of professionals, buzz in my head and make no sense. I take notes, but the words look like no language I've ever spoken.

I can't keep pretending to understand what's going on.

But I'm also new to telling people that I'm disabled. The only people who know are immediate family and friends and the psychology clinic that diagnosed me. I want to be proud and confident, to just ask for and demand help, but I can't imagine anyone actually believing me. Nobody helps me when I ask for something because they decide it isn't important.

My sensory issues aren't “bad enough.” My social struggles are just “excuses to be rude.” My stimming is “attention seeking.”

Why did I choose education as the field to go into? I'm not cut out for this new “customer service” teacher mentality. I have to have good interactions with everyone all the time? Just so parents want to send their kids to our schools? How is that even possible? I have a hard time smiling at people who are nice to me, so how do you expect me to smile when someone is yelling at me for failing their student because they didn't turn in their work?

The education system is broken, and I'm just one disabled person who is just now realizing that their disability might actually stop them from keeping their dream job.

How do you advocate for yourself when you grew up thinking that self-advocacy was selfish and evil?

I literally just realized that I can't eat food or respond to greetings if I'm stressed. Showering used to make me feel relaxed before bed, and now it's the only thing preventing me from crying right before sleeping.

I want to learn Spanish, write in my journal, cook healthy meals, exercise in the morning, drink plenty of water, sleep comfortably at night, and spend time with friends who don't make me feel guilty for existing. I want to be able to go to the bathroom whenever I need to. Why does that feel impossible now?

If anyone has experience with advocating for a disability, especially high-functioning and heavily masked autism, I'd really like advice. Who do I talk to? What do I ask for? How do I explain my struggles and keep a job?

[sarahowritesostucky]

Tips for coping with depression

As someone who struggles deeply with depression, I thought I'd post these very simple but very crucial tips for overcoming a low time

FIRST AND FOREMOST, IF YOU ARE UNHAPPY ENOUGH THAT IT'S AFFECTING THE WAY YOU ENJOY LIFE, YOU'RE UNHAPPY ENOUGH TO SEEK OUT THERAPY AND POSSIBLY MEDICATION. My depression doesn't usually manifest as sadness. It manifests as exhaustion, lack of drive, and tanking self-care. So it took me a long time to realize that it "counted" as depression. If you don't have insurance, look up a therapist who is willing to do a payment plan and to see you only a couple times a year, maybe just via tele appointment. They might be able to prescribe you medications if that's what you need. I was VERY hesitant to start meds, but I tried low doses of two meds and they rapidly turned my life around.

But in addition, here are my personal recommendations:

BRUSH YOUR TEETH. Always do this first. I don't know what the heck it is about depression that makes brushing your teeth so damn hard, but it's a thing, and you'll feel better if you do this first.

START WITH A SHOWER. Once you finally manage to force yourself out of bed, please for all that is holy, just get a shower. I prefer baths, but I've heard from others that the shower part is crucial to them. Get a shower and stay in there as long as you friggin' want or can. Get some tingly mint shampoo. Get a tingly face wash. That shit is invigorating. I actually keep my toothbrush and toothpaste in the shower and brush at the end of my bath (whatever I'm depressed and weird)

GO OUTSIDE. Even if it's just opening a window or standing on your apartment's balcony for a bit. Go outside and see the earth. Go for a walk.

GET SUNLIT. get assessed for vitamin D--you probably need supplements. Purchas an indoor SAD sun lamp; you can get them pretty cheap on Amazon and just 30 mins a day with that thing makes a difference!

SUPPLEMENTS. Important and useful ones I like are Vitamin D, Ashwaganda, CBD oil, Kratom (approach with care if you have addiction issues). And take a friggin' multivitamin--you're a grownup.

ALWAYS DO SOMETHING KIND FOR YOURSELF. do something small, simple, and kind for yourself, for no reason other than it's a simple pleasure. Eat one of those tiny half cup portions of ice cream they have at the grocery store, put vetiver oil in your bath, get the overpriced drink at Starbucks you always tell yourslef you shouldn't waste money on, light a candle or get one of those misting waterfall thingies and plug it in. Watch some cat videos, do a coloring book, bake a batch of muffins. Whatever feels nice to you.

LISTEN TO HAPPY MUSIC. I'm a big fan of angsty, dark rock and alternative music, but I force myself to avoid it when I'm having a hard time mentally. Instead I listen to upbeat gym music or pop, music that sound how I wish I felt.

CLEAN YOUR SPACE. If you're my kind of mentally ill, your living space sometimes can get pretty bad. There can be are piles. Put on some of the aforementioned music and get going, one item at a time, you can always take a break or stop whenever you want.

GO TO THE GYM. People who've never really worked out don't seem to believe us gym rats, but it's true: regular exercise can help almost as much as (or more than) antidepressants!

DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND EAT WELL. I used to be a diet soda addict, okay? But water is what our bodies thrive on, and you'll be amazed at how much more awake a simple chug of water can make you feel.

CALL A HELPLINE. If you need to talk, call a helpline. It's so easy. You don't have to be in crisis mode or at the end of your rope to call, and unless you're on the phone actively threatening immediate harm to yourself, they aren't going to do anything but give you a kind ear. I volunteer at one of these helplines, which strangely also really helps with depression.

BE KIND! To yourself and others. It's free to do and worth its weight in gold to the people on the receiving end. As Ru Paul likes to say: "Kindness is the highest form of intellect."

[wheretheharekissesthefox]

Confusing Cruising - Chapter 1

Astarion's pissed - seething with rage, really - since his abusive ex-boyfriend/boss/most influential lawyer in Baldur's Gate had taken everything from him. So, naturally, he self-medicates by drowning himself in work and running on the treadmill. While at the gym, he sees a cute guy and decides to have some fun. Nothing serious, of course... And Astarion's fucked.

Trigger warning (18+): Alternative Universe - Modern Setting, No Magic, No Vampire, No Wizard, Graphic Description of Sex, Smut, Anal Sex, Anilingus, Fingering, Rimming, Switching, Cum Eating, Past Abuse, PTSD, Unhealthy Anger Management, Food Aversion, Gale's Low Self-Esteem, Exercise instead of Therapy (don't try this at home, kids), (Failed) Cruising, Car Sex (Author strongly advises against this irl) Hand Creme as Lube (don't try this at home kids), Lawyer!Astarion, Professor!Gale

Astarion was running on the treadmill as if chased by a pack of hellhounds. His heart was pounding painfully against his chest, lungs screaming for more air, sweat was drenching his tanktop (he could feel it trickling down his back), pale face beet red from exertion, but he kept running nonetheless. Because he was angry, so very angry. At the world. At his fate. At himself.

Black Sabbath was screaming into his ears louder than it's considered healthy.

"Misty morning, clouds in the sky.

Without warning, the wizard walks by."

Fuck this shit. Fuck his work. And especially fuck fucking Cazador!

"He turns tears into joy.

Everyone's happy when the wizard walks by."

His right knee buckled, he stumbled, almost falling flat onto his face. Smooth. With an angry huff, Astarion stopped the treadmill, jumped off, turned around - and his mouth went dry. Or better said, it started to water. There was a cute guy in the ugliest workout clothing Astarion had ever seen, holding purple dumbbells, doing some kind of old-fashion Aerobics-Jane Fonda-exercises. His tanned skin glistened with sweat, long, luscious hair up in a messy bun, dark eyes determined, beard unruly. Gods, Astarion wanted him. He was hard. Wait... he was hard! Shocked, he kept staring at the other man.

Since leaving his abusive partner five years ago, Astarion tried to get control over his own life again, including sex life. But whenever he'd picked someone up, he either hadn't been able to get it up, or his fight and flight instinct had kicked in. Other than before, nowadays the 'flight' part got activated. Before, he'd gone rigid, letting his ex or anyone else have their way with him while he'd lain there like a corpse. Now, he always ran. Half-naked, with his things in one hand and the other one holding up his unzipped trousers. Astarion was angry about it, no, seething with rage, that Cazador had taking this from him too. That bastard had taken everything!

But now, Astarion was hard and wanting because of an average-looking guy in an ugly outfit doing silly workout moves. Fuck. He tried to subtly press against his dick to will it down, but it did jack shit. Fantastic. He was fucked.

"Never talking,

just keeps walking,

spreading his magic."

The song was over and Astarion pulled the headphones off to run a hand through his mussed hair. With another huff, he stomped towards the changing rooms. After a rushed shower, he opened the stall, and promptly collided with none other than the cute guy in ugly purple gym shorts. Both of them were wet from their showers and half naked. Astarion almost couldn't keep his hands off that soft, hairy chest.

"I'm so sorry, are you okay?" the cute guy asked, his eyes big and warm, and his voice just as warm and inviting. Fuck, Astarion was fucked.

"Fret not, darling. I'm the one who should apologise," replied Astarion, smoothly. Or at least he hoped he sounded smooth. "Although..." He let his fingers wander over the other man's biceps teasingly. "Maybe you could help me out with something?"

"Of course, how can I help?" asked the other man innocently. God, he was adorable. Astarion licked his lips, suppressing a groan.

"Right in here, darling."

Astarion pulled at the cute guy's t-shirt, wrestling him into the shower stall, and the latter went willingly. The knowledge that he was allowed to manhandle his target, made Astarion's knees a little weak. Speaking of the incubus, the cute guy looked confused.

"Why - Does the shower give you trouble, or - oh!"

He blushed cutely - of course he did. Everything about that man was cute - and Astarion wrapped his arms around the guy's shoulders, purring: "Yes, darling, let's."

And they were kissing. Sloppily, wonderfully. The brunet tasted of coffee and cinnamon, his tongue soft and hot. God, he smelled so fucking good too, like lavender, sandalwood, and cedar. Astarion moaned into that hot mouth, rock-hard.

He had to fuck this guy now, needed to see the dick that was poking him in the abdomen right the fuck now. He could find another gym later, no biggie. There was no need to come back here and potentially run into his hookup again, making things awkward. No need for that at all. This was casual after all.

"You're wonderful," Astarion panted, delighted when the cute guy whimpered softly. He got down onto his knees, pulling down the brunet's hideous short's, and was blessed with the sight of a girthy, tan dick that made his mouth water. Astarion groaned, digging his fingers into those thick thighs.

"Such a beautiful cock. Let me taste you, darling."

Just as he was about to swallow that lovely dick down, the cute guy held him back.

"W-wait, wait! I - uhm - We don't know each other. I'm clean, but I don't know about you, no offence, and you shouldn't be trusting my words either. We should be more careful. I - I usually don't do this."

The guy's stammering and blushing was adorable.

"How considerable, darling. You're such a sweetheart," purred Astarion as he got up, though reluctantly. "If you're so concerned, let's do something else, hm?"

"I'd like that," nodded the brunet, and Astarion almost laughed. Oh, that sweet summer child. He kissed the other man again, freeing his own erection, and took them both in his hand. The cute guy whined into his mouth, trembling like a leaf.

"Okay?" Astarion whispered and the brunet nodded hastily.

"Yes. I just - It's been so long and I've never -"

"Sh, sh, it's alright, darling," murmured Astarion, shutting the man up with another kiss. The latter moaned lowly, gently stroking the base of Astarion's skull with one hand and his lower back with the other. It didn't even make Astarion flinch. For the first time, someone touched his back and he didn't flinch. Astarion's eyes rolled back in his head as he came, guttural moan spilling from his lips, fingers digging into the other man's shoulders. Fuck, that was the best orgasm in years. Panting, Astarion leaned his head against the cute guy's chest, willing his legs to stop trembling. He felt good. Finally, sex felt good again. To his utter horror and disgust, tears welled up in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" asked the other man, tenderly caressing Astarion's hair and forcing him to look up with a finger under his chin.

"Never better," Astarion got out, forcing a smile onto his face. Apparently, it was the wrong answer. The cute guy's eyebrows furrowed as he kept looking at him - looking right through him, Astarion feared - and replied: "Why do you look so sad then?"

The addressed immediately bristled.

"I don't, I'm fine! Peachy even."

"If you say so," muttered the brunet, clearly not willing to let the subject go. It was time to run before he could ask more stupid, invasive questions. Astarion slicked his wet hair back, stepping away quickly.

"This was fun, darling," he drawled. "But I gotta go. See you around."

"W-wait!" The cute guy struggled off the wall, turning crimson when he almost slipped and fell on the wet tiles. "Can I - Can I get your number? Please?"

Astarion looked at him, gazing at that perfect man with his perfect body and perfect words who'd bestowed him the best orgasm in seven years.

"I'm afraid not, darling," he said sadly before turning around and fleeing the gym.

[liviavanrouge]

Bishop Birthday Boy vignette

Part 1

Ollie: Hey, happy birthday Bishop!

Bishop: Hey Ollie Molly!! Thanks for wishing be a happy birthday, makes me kinda nervous on today's like this, it just means I'm getting older with each day that pass by

Bishop: Savannaclaw actually went through the trouble of decorating everything for me, Ziro had to beat up half of the students though in order to do so!

Ollie: I saw you earlier, you were climbing a tree and picking apples

Bishop: Yep! I have a big love for apple related foods, but I love apple tarts the most, they're delicious! My momma makes the best apple tarts! Not to mention that she gives them to neighbors so they can enjoy them as well!!

Bishop: Me and Epel would go and pick apples, with permission of course, and have my Momma make us some delicious apple tarts! She even sent me some for today, even sent a bag for Epel!

Bishop: I of course gave Epel his before coming here to get ready, my friends and fam are my top priority you know! Gotta make sure everyone is happy and healthy, of course! Here let me share some with ya!

~~~~

Part 2

Ollie: Any hobbies?

Bishop: I like to climb trees of course, I do lots of parkour! I like to leap from branch to branch to get to where I want to go! I got in lots of trouble back in middle school because I would climb on things! I climbed to the roof one time and my schools head had a heart attack! Hahahaha! Her face was awesome!

Bishop: I also like to meddle with gadgets and make new things! This one time I made this laser gun, and I blasted a hole through a random tree, got into so much trouble with the surrounding people! My Pops was proud of me though because he's a mechanic, never before has he seen something like that!

Bishop: My momma is a human native and my pops is a leopard beastman, my parents moved to Harveston before I was born and had me there, my Pops works as a mechanic and my momma is a stay at home parent! So she raised me as well as she could, same with ma Pops!

Bishop: When I get older, I most definitely wanna take over my pops shop, he said I have a gift with meddling with gadgets and so I continued to meddle with them, fiddling with whatever I can get my hands on and making random things with them

Bishop: Hahaha! It surprised my parents when I didn't end up in Ignihyde! But I like Savannaclaw, it's really fun and I enjoy how things go here, rising up the ranks and earning respect is kinda amusing!

~~~~

Part 3

Ollie: What do you do in your free time?

Bishop: I parkour of course, I find a place with lots of walls or a crowded grassy area and just climb into the nearest thing and start hopping from branch to branch or wall to to walk to building. Well that depends on what's around me!

Bishop: Like I said earlier, I fiddle with gadgets and I usually help those with broken things fix them, there are times where me and Deuce fiddle with things together as well! It's fun!!

Bishop: *Grins, a hand raised* I also do some cooking, whenever my momma was sick I'd cook because my pops was AWFUL! Some of the dishes he made were edible cause he followed the recipe but most ended up half burned or charred to a crisp causing the fire alarm to go off

Bishop: But I mostly parkour though, gives me some exercise for the legs and arms, I'm able to carry lots of heavy things thanks to all the leaping and climbing I'm doing around the island!

Bishop: *Laughs, his arms crossed over his stomach* I always cook me a snack though before I go leaving an climbing about, the amount of times I've leaped around eating a sandwich or some steak in a container, it's hard but fun! After that, I go back to the dorm to shower then take a nap maybe study when I wake up.

Ollie: Thanks for the interview, Bishop! It was really great hearing about you! Happy birthday once again!!

----

Bishop: *Gasps, smiling wide as a gadget to shield ones arm was handed to him*

[wannabebeaut1ful]

Wannabe’s guide to fighting the binge urges

These are things that I do to stop myself from binging that work 80-90% of the time because sometimes we’re in a position where the urges have won before we even get the chance to fight them. But if you have time, give these steps a try.

After every binge I write down how I feel afterwards. The guilt, what I ate, if it was even good, the stomach pain, what triggered it, my feelings, everything. When you feel the urge to binge go back and read what you wrote. A lot of the time seeing first hand exactly what you wrote when you we feeling it is more effective than just trying to remember how bad it was.

Write down what you’re feeling in this moment. As you are trying to decide whether to binge or not. Write why you want to binge, what you want to eat, what triggered you, why you are trying to rationalise it. Write everything you can. A lot of the time you can talk yourself out of it while trying to explain why you were talking yourself into it.

Think about the things you want to eat on the binge you’re fighting. Ask yourself these questions: how accessible are the things I want to eat? Are they a once in a lifetime meal, or can you buy it whenever you want? Will it be there tomorrow? If so, is there a way you can fit it into into your calorie limit tomorrow? Often when we are in a binge mindset our brain tricks us into thinking if we don’t eat it now we will never be able to eat it again, telling your brain that it is a very real possibility that you will be able to eat it tomorrow will calm your brain down. Even if you don’t end up eating it the next day, your brain will stop freaking out as much that you will never get it again. Plus, a lot of the time when I think about what I want to eat on a binge there is actually nothing specific I want to eat, nothing is appetising. I just want to eat for the comfort of eating, and the thought of that seems so useless to me that the urge can go away.

Drink a huge glass of water. Drink like you’ve never drunk before. And drink fast. If you can drink so much that you stomach is full and uncomfortable, food may seem less appealing (careful because many people find the opposite is true)

Shower and do skincare. I find that when I focus hard on one area of beauty it motivates me to continue with maintaining other areas i.e my body. This works both ways for me, when I look after my body, I look after my skin, when I look after my skin, I look after my body

Distracting yourself with things you enjoy. I really like video games so sometimes I make myself a cup of tea and play video games for a few hours. I also love to dance so sometimes I choreograph a contemporary solo or learn a kpop dance that I’ve been meaning to for ages. This is a double win because it also burns calories and when I exercise I get motivated to keep eating well because otherwise I feel like the exercise was a “waste”.

Continuing to combine exercise with a distraction can also come in any form of exercise, going to the gym to lift weights, biking, running, swimming, Pilates, yoga, whatever is accessible to you is great. Personally I love walking because you can just put some music on and get lost for a really long time while also burning calories. Making it a perfect long distraction.

Next time you have the urge to binge please give these steps a try. I can’t guarantee that they will always work or even work at all for you. But I find that these steps are very effective with me and I have fought off urges to binge too many times to count with these steps. Whatever you end up doing, remember that I AM HERE FOR YOU !! if you are struggling please send me a message and I will try my best to be here for you as someone to talk to

[allthingsarmin]

armin with a bimbo gf?

TW: NSFW! MINORS DO NOT INTERACT! 

REQUESTS ARE OPEN ~

Ft. Bimbofication, manipulation, sex, and other topics alike!

Fem!Reader, FemBodied!Reader

Thank you for your request, anon! I hope you like what I wrote, and please feel free to request more.

(I am HERE for this Armin brain-rot lmao! I love reading fanfictions/headcanons like these).

꘎♡━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━♡꘎

Armin with a bimbo gf:

ᵔᴥᵔ Armin is a very polite man: always making sure you go to bed on time, putting your dead phone on the charger when you fall asleep with it in your hands, reminding you to drink water throughout the day, always lets you spend his own money on something you want, and kissing and massaging your forehead when you have a headache. He is so genuine and wouldn’t do things like this for just anyone.

ᵔᴥᵔ However, there’s a dark side to him where he can’t possibly deny how much he enjoys his dumb, empty-headed bimbo girlfriend. The way your hair is always done-up and suffocating from hairspray, the way your lips are always glossy with your favorite red cherry lip gloss, the way your short skirts and low-cut shirts show off your perfect figure, the way your perfum smells like roses and cheap sex, your intense sweetness and life-or-death dependency towards Armin, your fake innocence when you look at him with tears and ruined mascara running down your face, they way you can’t hide your wetness when he forcibly touches you in public… it makes Armin’s body tingle and cock hard. It brings out a dominant side to him that is inescapable as he manipulates your mind and pussy with thoughts only of him and his cock.

ᵔᴥᵔ He loves how there are literally no useful or smart thoughts going through that little head of yours. He thinks it’s so cute how you play with your hair, chewing gum, breasts nearly spilling out of your shirt while you sit in his lap, head empty, trusting him when you’re completely vulnerable. He loves it because he can so easily take advantage of you.

ᵔᴥᵔ Armin is a master manipulator. So intensely and quickly does he break you down so that you’re only able to think about taking his large cock into your pathetically wet cunt and sweet mouth. This way, he can practically slide into you whenever and wherever he wants:

Laying on the bed and playing your game console? Armin wants you to keep playing the game and desperately try to win while he’s teasing your needy entrance with his fingers which were previously thrusted into your whiny mouth.

In the shower trying to get clean? He sneakily joins you, gently pushing your back against the cold shower walls and eagerly lifting up your chin so that you can look into his kind yet menacing blue eyes. “Let me help you,” he offers while reaching for the body wash and proceeding to tenderly massage it into your breasts, purposely flicking over your nipples. “Right now?” you whine already tired from the previous sex sessions earlier today, (but you can’t deny that you’re already excited because he’s literally the only thing your brain thinks about). With his free hand, he suddenly thrusts a finger into your soft cunt. “It’s lamentable how wet you already are for me,” he coos, excited to know that he really has done a good job manipulating that little brain of yours. You whine and grip onto Armin’s toned upper arms. He kisses your forehead, the water and sweat making his golden hair stick to him. The heat from the flowing water and from Armin’s body is making you go crazy as you prepare for your velvety walls to get pounded once more.

Trying to study for an upcoming test? Armin continuously distracts you: “Baby, you’re no use for stuff like this,” he says pointing to your textbook, “why don’t you focus on being pretty, yeah?” He rubs your thigh and crouches down next to you, politely opening your legs with an arrogant grin on his face, slightly taken aback by the fact that you weren’t wearing underwear under your short skirt but definitely not surprised considering what an air-headed whore you are. He dives in between your thighs, attacking your clit with his tongue, not letting you pull away and eagerly waiting to hear your pathetic moans.

ᵔᴥᵔ He thinks it’s so hilariously adorable when you walk into his office and offer to help him with his work.

“Hahaha,” he laughs, feeling pity for you. He pulls you into a warm hug and kisses your forehead. “My work is too difficult for someone like you, baby,” he says as he pats your empty head. “Why don’t you go to the bedroom and play your game? I’ll be there soon.” He smiles innocently, making his eyes wrinkle on the sides. ‘He is beautiful,’ you think. His soft blond hair and his kind, ocean blue eyes. You really are so stupid, being tricked by his angelic appearance. When he finally comes to the bedroom, his smile is somewhat sinister, and his eyes have gone dark.

ᵔᴥᵔ Lets you dress slutty in public for two reasons: He likes to see the jealous looks from other perverted men seeing that you are in fact Armin’s slut… and he can use the fact you dress slutty in public against you while he’s fucking you.

“You’re such a whore… trying to get other mens’ attention in public.” His right hand is clenching your frail neck, and he forces you to maintain eye contact with him as you tell him it's not true and that he's the only one you want.

ᵔᴥᵔ Likes it when you wear your hair in tight pigtails - that way he can hold onto them while he’s fucking you from behind ᵔᴥᵔ Really likes missionary position - he likes to grip your neck so that you can maintain eye contact with him as your dolled-up face pleasurably contorts, lips drooling with saliva, tears that eat away at your mascara as he’s cruelly pumping in and out of you. He likes to thrust unbearably slow when he wants to hear you whine and complain about needing more - then, he can degrade you and call you an ungrateful whore. Also likes to suddenly go fast to hear you loudly gasp and incoherently babble as you powerfully squirt on his cock. No matter how many orgasms, your mind and pussy only think of and need more of him. ᵔᴥᵔ Armin also really likes it when you ride his cock. This way he can watch your breasts violently bounce up and down as well as tease your nipples right when you’re on the edge. Loves to see how desperately you squirm when you’re sitting upright on his cock, begging for more stimulation. You like this position too. You can see how blushed Armin’s sweet face is, how his chest quickly rises and falls, and how the muscles in his arms are tensed up.

ᵔᴥᵔ Armin loves when you give him oral. He loves seeing your once beautifully done hair become a complete tangly mess as he grips onto it and forces his cock inside your mouth. Loves to hear that ‘pop’ sound when you finally pull your glossy, pink lips off of his thick, blushed cock. Is all about eye-contact when you give him oral. He likes to see your face become sprinkled with tears as he pushes his cock deep into the back of your throat - the desperation in your eyes during this moment while you look at him nearly makes him go feral.

ᵔᴥᵔ Armin also really loves to overstimulate you, especially because he can take advantage of you during these moments. By the time you’ve calmed from your orgasm, you are completely fucked dumb, head even emptier if at all possible, eyes rolled to the back of your head, whimpering at the slightest movement, only thinking about Armin, his angelic face, and his sweet, brutal cock. You’re already so tired from your last orgasm, but he takes this chance to start rubbing your clit again. As you jerk away from the painful sensation, he laughs, continuing his slow, unbearable rubbing. You beg him to stop, and Armin becomes angry. “Oh, you want me to stop? Am I not good enough for you? Not good enough at making a dumb whore like you feel good? I guess I’ll leave now.” He immediately pulls away, rudely turning his head away from you. His blond hair is nearly covering his deep blue eyes which are spilling with fake tears in hopes that he can manipulate you with fear and pity. As you apologize for your selfish behavior and beg him to stay, he darkly grins and harshly pats your sensitive pussy. “That’s what I thought,” he coos laughingly, going back to abuse your wet cunt.

ᵔᴥᵔ Armin also really likes to edge you, and he never lets you cum without his permission. He likes to sit you up on the bed, spread your legs, and tease your throbbing clit with his thumb. He can see sweat begin to coat your forehead, your cheeks dust with redness, and your glossy lips become lined with drool as your breasts are exposed and spilling out of your bralette. Still circling your clit with his thumb, he gets really close to your ear - his blond hair tickling you - and asks you if you want to cum. His beautiful blue eyes sparkle as he laughs when you only respond with whimpering and incoherent words. As you needily buck your hips against his thumb, he knows he has succeeded in manipulating you to become a useless, empty-headed slut with thoughts only of him.

ᵔᴥᵔ Though the relationship dynamic you have with Armin might seem intense, he’s an actual sweetheart. Aftercare with him is the best: you both take a warm bath together, he brushes your hair, massages your back, and kisses your forehead while thanking you for letting him enter your body. He always cuddles you before bed, holding you tightly and kissing your forehead. Not only that, but he honestly just really cares about you. He reminds you to drink water, tells you not to eat too many sweets, makes sure you exercise and that your period is regular, reads to you, and asks you to tell him about your day… and he never ever forgets to slip in a few “I love you”s while you two make love. Armin also loves to buy you things from flowers to hair ties or anything else you want. He just wants to make you smile because you make him smile. Overall, this man will never let his bimbo girlfriend down whether it’s sex or love.

[muffindaddystyles]

Summary: Y/N's feeling icky about her body, but Harry loves her to bits and pieces, through thick and thin, in health and sick — and he always waits for her to come back to him.

TW: Body dysmorphia.

Y/N's healthy.

All she sucks in is having a sane sleeping schedule due to her UNI otherwise she eats natural goodies, cook and bake home because it comforts her more that way and she works out every evening to stay fit.

Sometimes though, she’s lazy and lacks behind which’s proper humane but deep down it effects her and her mental health more than she admits and she isn’t able to start over again – it mostly happens after her periods.

Harry loves her the way she’s.

Even if she’s clumsy, bumbling, procrastinating, overly enthusiastic to mend her life at 3 am, snotty and sloth-y in her periods, confident and positive around people, kind and loving whenever she comes to meet him, whiny and cuddly when she’s sick, jealous and grumpy with his attention not on her —- he loves her in every way possible, to rivers and to sea his love could never stutter for her ever.

He loves how she’s not overly toned, having soft squishy spots which Harry undeniably wants to admire and kiss shamelessly amount of times -- like -- her plummy pretty thighs that Harry likes to nestle his head in-between making her wriggle and squirm under his grasp, her overly cute tummy that Harry dies to pepper sweet adoring kisses and petal his lips round her belly button, everytime they’re cuddled up his bicep’s always looped her around her tummy to feel it rising up and down in calm rhythm, and oh! her tender titties, they’re actually his favourite babies and he loves to fondle them in his big calloused palms brushing his thumb over the sensitive perky nub and basks in the glittery whimpery mewls of hers.

He loves that she’s curvy and gives zero fucks if she’s skinny or not.

He thinks his baby’s perfect.

So perfect he actually feels the bubbling of devotion and affection filling to the brim of his heart’s chambers and leaking out and upon his ribs tickling him.

Y/N's his person and he worships her with his whole heart.

From some days though, she’s feeling devastatingly insecure about all her things Harry’s in love with and she has no-control over it how much she tries.

Harry’s observing that all with optimism (one of his great quality's that like a lion sly about his prey, he keeps an eye on everything but pretends otherwise). He has his intense gaze fixed on her when she’s taking a look of herself in the mirror for rather too long, running her hands down her body and practically shuddering.

He glances from over his laptop and drops everything he's doing watching her go monkies, sweating buckets and over exercising than her usual time.

He brings her closer and infront of him, pressing her to his chest and coiling his forearm around her shoulders whining a, “Baby..!” when they were brushing their teeth and despite of standing beside him and teasing him occasionally like she usually does she stuffs her face into the crest of his back and hides herself there to have minimal contact with her reflection in the mirror.

Her body dysmorphia spiking dangerously high.

“Deprived me of your cuddles. woke me up so early, granny.” She huffs lying through her teeth and how much his embrace was strong enough to keep her in place she still managed to wiggle out taking her previous cosy position, but he could feel her muscles tensing and an awkward silence falling over them.

He didn’t pry much. He wants to give her as much space as she requires to come back to him hale and hearty, as she always does and whatever happens he never forgets to remind her how much he loves her every night.

..

They were watching rom-coms on Netflix back to back with her curled up into his side with a spongy white wool knitted blanket thrown over them and his cheek was smashed atop her head popping in peanuts every now and then when out of certain she spoke pointing at the actress, “You know she got her ribs removed to get that shrinky waist.” Harry frowned at that. His face itching into disbelief and concern under the bouncing glow of telly.

He affixes his gaze down at her trying to read what’s cooking up in that genius brain of her's which isn’t being very rational and genius right now, they immediately turns soft and caring when she blinks up at him purely.

She squeaks, nose crashing against his collarbones when he scooches her up in his lap grabbing onto her knees to make her straddle his torso and he grumbles cutely when she tries not put all of her weight on him and doesn’t melts into him as his sweet lovie would used to do receiving a smack on her bum on his end.

He’s afraid that an evil version of her chomped onto his dear baby alive.

“Nothing else matters if all ye’ organs are packed safely and healthily inside you,” He tells her brushing loose frays of her hair behind her earlobe and rubs his thumb in gentle strokes over her treacly pulsing point, “Was just telling you ...” She mumbles, dotting touches on his knuckles and playing with his bare cold fingers.

It’s true, she was rambling out facts about the movie and cast out of habit because no-way she’d ever go through any surgeries to change herself to become someone she isn’t.

“Swear!” She yawps out in convincing high pitch when Harry squints down at her with his lips scrunched, one eye twitching in doing so.

“Alrighty. I believe you.” He cradles her cheeks in his palms and brings her mighty close to him to peck her cupid bow, then her bottom lip and the corners of her smiling mouth to suckle generous amount of whines from her and then kisses her lovingly – hands streaming down her spine and then resting atop her dip.

He thought she was ready to come back to him, to share her problem with him and Harry really wanted to bug in, to not let her fight her battle alone and take half of her hardships from her fretting self but guess not.

They were about to have sex when panic seeped in Y/N's eyes and her cheeks blazed up in that of embarrassment as she rushed to switch off the lamps that were the only source of light in their room.

“Moppet.” Harry sighed, knowing exactly what’s happening and she isn’t as foxy in covering it up as she’s thinking herself to be.

“Why wouldn’t y'want me t'see gorgeous self of yours?” His tone punctured and hurt, feeling useless for not knowing how to cheer her up and break her worries down. He smoothens his hands behind her to lock his arm around her waist, fingertips making grape sized indents into the flesh of her hip-bone as she streaks the tip of her nose up and down the crook of his neck, murmuring meekly against his salty skin while he hugs her warmly.

“’M just feelin’ shy.” He giggles at her response puckering his lips against her hairline to pet tiny, tiny kisses there as she fists her hands against his taught chest.

“Not somethin’ I haven’t seen before, love bug.” He blows raspberries against the underside of her jaw and their mouths meet into a messy, giggling, teeth clanking kiss when she sinks into pillows allowing him to cocoon her in his heat.

“I love you, Y/N. No matter what.”

.

The last dam breaker for them was this little get together at Sarah and Mitch's baby shower.

She matched her outfit with Harry. Cute lavender coloured little sweater blouse that was familiar to the baggy baby yarn cardigan Harry was wearing, it accentuated her curves and her bosom so prettily -- her midriff peeking from where the buttons weren’t closed and their jeans were painted (they did it themselves one Sunday when it was extra boring and inactive).

Y/N felt uncomfortable in her own clothes. A bitterness spreading inside her for herself and all she wanted was to escape away from her own skin.

She knows she’s loved and welcomed and cherished by her friends and family and the love of her life, most importantly. Then why was she feeling so icky about herself? Why everything's draining her and exhausting her?

Harry obviously could see through the gloomy tenebrous energy overshadowing her as he stood in the corner of the room grabbing the sorbet he poured in two glasses for them.

A sour guzzle of tears choking his throat and his limbs weakening letting the painful heartbreak seep into him when he watches her being fidgety and fiddling with the loops of her jeans, tugging her blouse every passing second and he’s sniffling a hiccup deep in his lungs when she shrinks into herself in dejection staring out of the window without any purpose.

Harry feels awful to startle her when he plops down beside her, coodling her closer to himself and tucks her head beneath his chin subtly and cups his palm under her jaw to make her look in eyes his eyes.

“Hi beautiful,” His tone had a saddening waver in it and his irises mossed bleak when Y/N remains unresponsive, zoning in and out of her own head feeling herself prisoned into her own invasive thoughts.

“You w'na go home darling?” He gives her a wet smile clearing his throat and blinking the stubborn moisture in his eyes away when Y/N nodded without any vivid expression.

All the way back home he denounced himself of not making her feel loved enough, to not to pest her soon about what she’s feeling and letting her slide deeper into the dark hole.

He thinks he’s a piece of shit.

.

Y/N wanted to dig the earth with her own nails and hide into it and never show her face again, she was overly ashamed of herself.

His hand was holding onto hers tightly, never letting it go as he led them through the hallway and his head perked up in confusion when she stopped them abruptly and lunged to wrap herself around him like he’s the last silver of her hope and the reason to live.

“I’m so sorry, so sorry.” There comes the first sob after ages of suffering and bottling it all in, not shocked at all he was expecting it to happen. Gently he picks her up and wraps her legs around him, keeping his support firm under her bum as she cried into his soft white t-shirt.

Carefully he sits them on the edge of the bed and tries to pry her soaky flushed face in his cradle but she refuses to show him, clutching onto his cardigan and whimpering brokenly.

“I just feel so disgusting,” Her sob scratches out of her throat and for a second he thought he heard her wrong, that her feeble crying’s playing some kind of a sick game with his heart.

“Harry do something I don’t want to feel disgusting.” But, when she pleaded helplessly a cold shiver settled in his bone marrow spreading an agonising burn in his stomach.

Gently he stirs her away from his chest to look at her, meeting their foreheads together while his thumb wiped her tears away and smoothed over her wabbly lips in profound tenderness.

“My beloved,” He whispers fondling his nose against hers and her eyes flutters into realm of calms, shaky breath falling over his lips as he brings her trembling fingertips towards them and pecks them feverishly.

“The love of me life, me heart.” He continues, “Shhh. Shh baby ‘s okay to cry but don’t tire y'self.” He hushes her when she whimpers loudly at his coy affirmation.

“I’m here with you, waiting f'you, watching y’goin’ through a stony path so I could be there to hold you whenever you trip –-,” He pets her hair, cupping the back of her neck to plant his lips bitten red from worry to her puffy damp eyelids and Y/N becomes a gooey lax of candle that’s been burning for tiring amount and finally her lover came to blew the agonising flame away putting her to peace as he coos snuggling her in his cordial embrace, “You’ve been so strong to yourself and ‘m so proud of me baby.”

“I’m always here. Never away from you, always right by y'side.” His palms bending around her ribs to smush her as intimately close as possible.

“How d'ya want your huggies babylove?” He simpers down at her darlingly, huffing out in relief seeing her relaxing -- her shoulders sinking from him massaging the knots in them.

“Tight.” She mumbles timidly. The gleam in her glossy eyes returning when Harry hugs her as she wished, squishing her in right places and not suffocating her at all – their breaths in sync chests flushed against eachother.

“I love you cuddly, and care f’you.” He kisses her on lips then goes to hug her right back.

“I love you too, Har. Thank you.” She sniffs in his woodsy scent grazing her touch up and down his back, smooching a soft kiss at his cheek.

[earliebirb]

i’ll save you a seat

steve/tony, established relationship, canon divergence, 1673 words

(inspired by this deleted scene from the avengers [2012])

“Waiting on the big guy?”

“Ma’am?” Steve looks up from his sketchbook, eyes squinting against the sunlight. 

He meets the gaze of one of the waitresses working at the café. Her long blond hair flows down to her chest and she is dressed in the café’s signature uniform: pastel orange blouse, black skirt, and a white half apron tied around her waist. 

“Iron Man,” the waitress clarifies, lips quirked up in a knowing smile. “A lot of people eat here just to see him fly by.”

“Right,” Steve says, lips twitching at their inside joke. He opens his mouth to say something else, but a familiar silhouette in the distance catches his eye and breaks his train of thought. “Uh, actually…”

He nods at the sky. The waitress follows his gaze.

The object grows larger, approaching at a high speed. It morphs into a blur of red and gold that streaks across the blue sky right above them, sending a gust of wind that ruffles the waitress’ blond locks. The figure lands a short distance away from the café with a distinct metallic thunk — the sound of gold-titanium alloy hitting concrete. 

All around him, people begin to whisper among themselves with excitement, some even taking out their phones to document the spectacle. Although Steve can’t really say he enjoys the attention, warmth still blooms in his chest as he observes the approaching figure. He finds himself hiding an involuntary grin behind his hand.

“Always a dramatic entrance, huh?” The waitress chuckles.

“You know it.” Steve sighs with fond exasperation. All eyes are on Tony as he walks toward the outdoor area of the café, the nanotech suit peeling away from his body. The excited murmurs and whispers increase in volume.

When Tony finally arrives at the table, he bends down to plant a kiss on Steve’s cheek. “Good morning, beloved.”

“Mr. Stark-Rogers,” the kind waitress greets with a smile. “The usual?”

“Please, Beth. I told you to call me Tony.” Tony reaches up to slide his sunglasses a few inches down the bridge of his nose, giving her a disapproving look that makes her chuckle. “And yes, please. Thank you.”

“Table’s yours as long as you like,” she says before disappearing into the indoor part of the café to relay the order. Steve knows she means it, too. She’ll make sure of it, just like she always has for the past few years.

The café had been Steve’s favorite café, at first. He visited the place often, especially during his first few weeks in the twenty-first century. He developed a fondness for their sesame seed bagels and the lovely view of Stark Tower from his favorite outdoor table, although the latter is a fact Steve would never admit to Tony even on pain of death. 

However, the café quickly became Steve and Tony’s favorite café when their reluctant camaraderie bloomed into friendship all those years ago. Even before they started dating, Steve and Tony already established a weekly ritual of having brunch at the café whenever their schedules aligned. 

Tony did eventually admit to Steve that he found the café’s coffee to be subpar. He did, however, insist that the café was his favorite, albeit for reasons different from Steve’s. Not for the bagels, not for the exceptional view of Stark Tower, and definitely not for the coffee, but because the café was a place full of memories. His memories of the two of them, his memories of Steve:

“That café was where I first made you laugh. Like, really laugh. I’d seen you smile or chuckle before, but that kind of full-body laughter? That was a first. And I remember thinking that… I really, really liked the way you laughed.”

It has been seven years since Steve first sat at this very table and sketched the figure of Stark Tower looming before him. Beth is still working at the café, having made her way through the ranks. Now a co-owner of the café, she has developed a friendship of sorts with Steve and Tony — both of whom she claims to be her favorite regulars. Tony likes to joke about how she probably says that to all of her regulars, something Beth always denies vehemently. 

Steve turns his attention back to Tony, who has taken off and folded his sunglasses, letting them hang from the collar of his shirt. 

“Would it kill you to take the elevator and walk?”

“It’s not like I do this every single time. Besides, why take the elevator when you have a flying suit? That’s just ineffective.” Tony makes a face as he pulls his chair out.

“‘S good exercise.”

“I exercise plenty.” Tony sits down on the chair across from him, scooting closer to the table. Under the table, his ankle brushes Steve’s. “Besides, we just engaged in a vigorous workout session this morning.” Tony bites his lower lip, giving Steve a lascivious wink.

“Tony,” Steve reprimands, but finds himself unable to say anything further, not when the back of his neck is heating up at the memory of what they were up to just a few hours ago. While Steve immediately showered afterward and headed straight to the café, Tony decided he wanted to sleep for a few more hours, promising to join Steve later. 

Tony grins before leaning forward on his elbows to peer at Steve’s sketch.

“Which lucky building are you sketching today, honeybunch?”

He squints and frowns when instead of a building he finds a rough and nondescript sketch of a person’s face. 

It could be anyone to the untrained eye, but Steve’s pen strokes are sure and confident, having rendered the same jawline countless of times. 

Every single time, Tony’s figure never fails to fascinate him. Always so beautiful from every angle, in every light. Steve knows it well enough by now to be able to sketch him simply from an image in his mind’s eye. 

Still, nothing beats the real thing. Steve takes in the sweep of Tony’s dark lashes and his coffee brown eyes as he appraises the drawing.

“It’s not a building,” Steve says instead. 

Tony hums noncommittally, tilting his head at the sketch and giving it one last look before leaning back in his seat. “How was your morning run?”

“Uneventful.”

“Really?” Tony says distractedly, his attention on Beth who is once again approaching their table with his cup of coffee, black as midnight.

Tony engages in more small talk with Beth as she sets the cup and saucer on the table, asking after her husband and kids. There is an easy and carefree smile on his face, crinkles forming at the corners of his eyes.

All the while, his fingers are fiddling with two sugar packets Steve knows he will only use one of. He is always buzzing with energy, parts of him always in a state of perpetual motion, finding it near impossible to stay still. 

Steve also knows that he won’t finish the coffee because it wasn’t made by Steve or himself.

These little idiosyncrasies are details that make up Tony, the little quirks that only Steve knows.

The little things that make you mine, Steve thinks privately. He feels something inside him softening at the thought.

“Sorry, honey,” Tony says when Beth eventually leaves to take another table’s orders, his smile soft and affectionate. “You were saying? Running was uneventful?”

“Yeah,” Steve says quietly, “nothing really interesting.” He admires the way sunlight turns the tips of Tony’s dark hair into a lighter shade of brown. “Don’t worry, sweetheart. You’re still the highlight of my morning.”

Tony huffs, rolling his eyes, but his lips curve up into a pleased smile and his brown eyes are warm with affection as he meets Steve’s gaze. He reaches for Steve’s hand on the table, giving it a gentle squeeze. The band of vibranium around his husband’s ring finger gleams in the late morning sunlight.

“I better be, after waking you up with one hell of a—”

“Tony!” Steve exclaims, knocking his ankle against Tony’s in warning. “Stop it.”

“What? It’s the truth! You really did enjoy it when I—”

“There are children around,” Steve hisses, casting a furtive glance at a nearby table occupied by a family of four. 

Tony laughs softly, his shoulders shaking with it. Still holding his gaze, he brings Steve’s hand to his lips, pressing two feather-light kisses to the back of his hand. He continues holding Steve’s hand against his mouth, and when he speaks Steve feels his lips and the bristles of his goatee brushing his skin.

“Sorry, baby, I can’t help it.” Tony hides a smile against Steve’s knuckles. “You’re just so pretty when you blush.”

Steve looks down, avoiding Tony’s eyes in favor of staring at the cookie crumbs next to his half-full cup of coffee that has long since gone cold. His cheeks are still burning, and Tony’s words are not helping.

“See?” Tony says, before planting a kiss to his knuckles. “So pretty.”

Steve shuts his eyes with a defeated sigh. “Please just drink your coffee.”

Tony chuckles again but Steve hears the clink of ceramic, a cup being lifted from its saucer. “Aye-aye, Captain.”

He only allows himself to open his eyes when Tony gets distracted by some pigeons, immediately launching into a spiel about the one time he was attacked by a pigeon who was apparently really determined to steal his sandwich.

Steve nods along dutifully, reacting at appropriate times throughout the story, but all he can think of is that sitting there, at a café’s outdoor table on Park Avenue on a bright Sunday morning, his husband sat in front of him talking a mile a minute, is that there is nowhere else he’d rather be.

His gaze falls down to where Tony’s hand is still holding his, even when his other hand is gesturing animatedly as he tells his story.

Yes. Steve thinks, smiling helplessly at the twinkle in Tony’s eyes — the one that appears whenever he gets excited. I’m home. 

[multi-fandom-imagines-stuff]

Smaller Than This

Pairings: Natasha Romanoff/daughter!reader, Peter Parker/platonic!reader, Wanda Maximoff/reader

Description: The reader is Natasha Romanoff’s daughter, best friend of Peter Parker, and girlfriend of Wanda Maximoff. Growing up in the spotlight is hard enough, but things cross a line when people start commenting on the reader’s weight.

Warnings: eating disorder, swearing, threats of violence

Word count: 3,282

A/N: I know it’s not easy to deal with eating disorders, but please know that you are beautiful and amazing and you don’t deserve to have to suffer through that. Please, if you are struggling with this, reach out for help. <3

✩❀✩❀✩

Black Widow’s daughter spotted in Central Park with new best friend Scarlet Witch and Stark Industry intern Peter Parker! Could Parker be y/n’s new boyfriend?

You laughed and rolled your eyes as you clicked on the tweet. Stalking paparazzi twitter accounts had to be one of your favorite pastimes, simply because the so-called facts they were giving out were false 99% of the time. For instance, this situation? You had gone out for a picnic with Peter and Wanda when those photos were taken, and the paparazzi completely twisted things. Peter wasn’t your boyfriend, he was just your best friend. And Wanda wasn’t your best friend, she was your girlfriend. You chose to ignore the false headline as you went immediately for the replies.

‘Do you see the way y/n’s looking at Wanda? It seems more like there’s something going on between them than there is between y/n and Peter’

You smiled and liked that tweet. You liked messing with people just a bit. Whenever someone would tweet about there possibly being a relationship between you and Wanda, you liked the tweet. It wasn’t enough information to actually confirm the relationship as true, but it was enough to keep people speculating.

You scrolled through several more replies. Most of them were people using the heart eyes emoji or saying how much they loved your mom, but there were a few in there that stuck out more than the rest. That was because they were harsh and hurtful.

‘I don’t understand how someone can live with the Avengers and still look like that. Does she ever even exercise?’

‘She could stand to lose some weight. Instead of going out for a picnic, she should try to skip a few meals’

You read through replies for a few more minutes. Similar comments would pop up now and then, and while there wasn’t an overwhelming amount, there was still enough to make you close down the app and shut off your phone, averting all your attention toward not crying. 

“Miss y/n, dinner has been called,” F.R.I.D.A.Y.’s voice rang through your room.

Pushing the thoughts to the back of your mind, you got off your bed and made your way to the dining room. There, Peter and Wanda were setting the table while Steve and Bucky carried out the food.

You walked up behind your girlfriend and wrapped your arms around her waist, resting your chin on her shoulder. You felt her jump slightly before she realized it was you and relaxed into your touch. You placed a kiss on her cheek.

“I love you,” You whispered in her ear.

“Hey! What did we talk about?” Tony directed at you, raising an eyebrow at you and causing you to roll your eyes.

“No lovey-dovey shit at the dinner table,” You mumbled.

“Language!” Steve scolded you as Clint joined the conversation.

“Oh, come on, Tony,” He said. “It’s young love. It’s harmless and adorable.”

“It makes me want to hurl,” Tony retorted.

To onlookers, it may have sounded like Tony was being a real dick, but you knew he was just teasing you. He’d never admit it, but secretly he loved how happy you and Wanda made each other.

“Watch it, Stark,” Your mom shot him a glare. “That’s my kid you’re talking about.”

Your head whipped up at your mom’s voice. She had been on a mission for the past week and wasn’t supposed to get home for another three days.

“Mom!” You yelled as you ran toward her, wrapping your arms around her as you squeezed her tight.

“Hey, kiddo! I’ve missed you!” She said, hugging you back and kissing you lightly on the forehead.

“I’ve missed you, too!”

“As much as I hate to break up this reunion,” Bucky said, causing you to pull away from your mom. “Steve and I slaved over dinner and it’s getting cold, so let’s eat.”

You took your seat at the table—in between Peter and Wanda—and filled your plate with the spaghetti and garlic bread Steve and Bucky made. Everyone was silent as you all dug into your food and, you had to admit, it tasted amazing. 

When Steve and Bucky first moved in, neither of them were allowed near a stove without supervision. They had started too many accidental fires. But after lots and lots of practice, the two of them easily became the best cooks in the tower.

After dinner, you excused yourself to your room. Your phone was still lying face down on the bed, so you grabbed it and opened it up. Right away, you noticed several notifications from twitter. Upon further investigation, you found that the rude comments people were saying about you had extended to your messages. Now, you had complete strangers messaging you about how you needed to ‘lose weight’, or ‘eat less’, or ‘exercise more’. A few of the messages even called you a ‘disappointment to the Avengers’.

You deactivated your account and deleted the app from your phone, but the damage was already done and you knew it. So you came up with a plan and decided to set it into motion the next morning.

✩❀✩❀✩

You woke up in the morning to your alarm blaring. Checking the time, you saw it was 4:30, and you wondered why your alarm was going off so early before you remembered the plan you had made the night before.

You got out of bed and quickly dressed in athletic attire before running out of your room. You knew Steve liked to run in the mornings, so you sat in the kitchen waiting for him.

When he finally sauntered in at 5:00, he was more than surprised to see you sitting there.

“Y/n?” He asked. “What’re you doing up so early?”

“Can I run with you today, Uncle Steve?” You asked him, a pleading look on your face that you knew he couldn’t say no to.

“Yeah, sure,” He said. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather be sleeping?”

You nodded. 

“I want to start running. My mile time in P.E. class has been slacking lately and I don’t want to fail the class.”

You were surprised yet proud of how quickly you were able to come up with that lie, and you were happy to see that Steve believed every word of it.

So that’s how you spent your morning: running laps with Steve.

The two of you finally called it quits around 6:15 and parted ways. Steve went off to do whatever he did during the days, and you went off to squeeze in a quick shower before school.

By the time you were done with your shower, it was nearly 7:00, which meant you had to rush to get dressed. You finally made it to the kitchen, where Wanda was already waiting for you. The two of you yelled a quick ‘bye’ to whoever was listening before you started the quick walk to the bus stop.

You felt Wanda’s hand interlock with yours and a smile arose on your face as you squeezed her hand. You two didn’t want to publicly disclose your relationship yet, so you knew the minute you reached the bus stop you’d have to let go.

✩❀✩❀✩

At lunch, you sat at a table with Wanda, Peter, MJ, and Ned. You skipped the food line and instead opted to sip at a bottle of water.

“What’s wrong, y/n?” Peter asked you.

“What do you mean?” You shot back, not quite sure what he was getting at.

“You’re not eating.”

Shit. You had to think of a lie, and you had to be extra careful since your girlfriend could read minds. She promised you she’d never read your mind without your consent, but you were still wary.

“Uh...I’m just not feeling well,” You said. “My stomach is feeling a little flip-floppy and I don’t want to push it.”

To your luck, they nodded it off and changed the topic, not questioning you again for the rest of the day.

That night at dinner, you pushed the food around on your plate, eating a few bites here and there. It wasn’t hard to pretend you had eaten, especially since your family was so big. Everyone seemed to be so caught up in conversations with other people that they didn’t notice when you got up and scraped your food into the trash.

✩❀✩❀✩

These habits carried on for a few more weeks. You’d wake up every morning to run with Steve, make up some excuse for why you didn’t eat lunch, and you’d have a few bites of dinner before sneakily trashing it. On most weekends, you chose to spend your time training with your mom. You claimed it was so that you could stay sharp with your self-defense skills, and while that wasn’t necessarily a lie, it wasn’t the full truth, either. But your mom never questioned it, and you were glad.

You seemed to fly under the radar, until one Sunday afternoon.

You walked into your room after training with your mom to find Peter and Wanda waiting for you.

“Hey, guys,” You greeted, throwing yourself into a chair and downing half a bottle of water. “What’s up?” 

“We know,” Wanda said, a stern yet concerned look on her face.

“Know what?” You asked her, although you could feel your heart rate rising. You knew what she was talking about.

“That you haven’t been eating,” Peter joined in.

“What’re you talking about? Of course I’ve been eating.”

That was a lie. Your stomach hadn’t been properly filled in weeks and you couldn’t remember the last time it wasn’t rumbling. But that wasn’t important. What was important was the fact that you were finally losing weight. There’s no way you could stop now.

“Cut the crap, y/n,” Peter said, catching you by surprise. “We’ve been watching you. I can’t even remember the last time you bought a school lunch.”

“And you pick at your food at dinner every night,” Wanda added. “I haven’t seen you eat more than three bites. You think no one notices, but you’re wrong. And I can feel you, love. You feel...empty.”

Wanda rested her hand on your knee as you tried to process what was happening. You had been so good at hiding this, how had they found out?

“You guys, I’m—” You started before Peter cut you off.

“Don’t say you’re fine, because you’re not. We know it, and you know it, so please stop lying to us, y/n. We just want to help.”

“I have it under control, I don’t need help,” You protested. “Just...please don’t tell my mom.”

“Y/n—”

“Wanda, please,” You begged. “My mom has enough to worry about as it is. I don’t need to add this to her stress as well. I promise, I have it under control. I’m alright.”

Wanda and Peter shared a look before turning back to you. 

“We’ll keep this between us for now,” Peter said, and you felt like a weight was lifted off your shoulders.

“But, if things get any worse, we won’t hesitate to bring your mom into this,” Wanda warned.

You nodded and the two of them left, Wanda kissing you quickly before walking out of the room. 

‘I just need to hide it better’ you thought to yourself. ‘This is all my fault for being too obvious about things. I need to do better.’

Wanda and Peter had dropped the topic for the time being, until a week later, things took a turn for the worse when your P.E. teacher announced that your class was running the mile that day.

Thanks to training with Steve, your mile time had improved and you were one of the fastest in the class. However, due to malnutrition, any sort of exercise made you extremely lightheaded. 

You ignored the part of your brain that was telling you to make up some excuse to sit out. You convinced yourself you just weren’t drinking enough water so you drank an entire water bottle and went to class.

You were about halfway done with your mile when the corners of your vision turned black. You blinked a few times, trying to edge it away, but it was no use. By now, you heard a loud ringing in your ears and the world started spinning around you. You slowed down a bit, trying to regain your composure when you felt your knees buckle underneath you, and you were plunged into a world of darkness, not feeling it when you hit the ground.

✩❀✩❀✩

When you awoke, you were still laying on the field, your entire class swarming around you. You were trying to sit up when you felt something attached to your hand. 

You looked to the right and saw Wanda sitting there, looking scared as hell.

“Miss Maximoff, Mr. Parker, please escort Miss Romanoff to the nurse’s office,” Your teacher ordered.

You felt Wanda help lift you to a standing position and once you were up, you felt the world start spinning again. You shut your eyes tight as two arms, you assumed they belonged to Wanda and Peter, wrapped around either side of your waist. Soon enough, the dizziness ceased and you opened your eyes, signaling for Peter and Wanda to start walking with you.

You made it to the nurse’s station where you saw your mom already waiting.

“Mom?” You asked, wondering how she had gotten to your school so quickly.

“Peter called me the second he saw you fall,” She explained.

You, Wanda, and Peter were dismissed from school early, and your mom led you all back to her car. You sat in the passenger seat while Peter and Wanda sat in the back.

“What happened?” Your mom demanded.

The tone of her voice scared you a little bit, but you knew it was filled more with concern than it was with anger.

“I must’ve just gotten overheated or something,” You lied, knowing exactly why you passed out. “I was doing fine one second, and then the next I was on the ground.”

“That’s not true, Ms. Romanoff,” Peter interjected.

You whipped your head around to him and shook your head, silently pleading him to not tell her.

“What do you mean?” She asked. “Do you know something I don’t?”

“Peter, stop,” You said, panicking at what was about to be said.

“Y/n hasn’t eaten a proper meal in a month,” Wanda admitted.

You shot your girlfriend a look of betrayal before turning back around to face forward.

“You, what?!” Your mom blared. “Y/n, is this true?”

Your silence was enough of an answer for her to understand that yes, it was true.

“Y/n, baby, why?” Your mom said.

You could tell she was trying to be strong, but her voice was cracking.

“Because I’m not like you guys, okay?!” You finally snapped, letting loose all of your pent-up emotions. “I don’t have a super-human metabolism like Peter, and I don’t have a perfectly in-shape body. I’m not an avenger and it sure as hell shows. Even people I don’t even know were making comments about it on twitter.”

“Is that why you disabled your account?” Peter asked, realization hitting him.

You nodded and looked down at your fingers, not wanting to make eye contact with any of them.

By now, you had reached the tower and your mom put the car into park, turning to face you.

“Y/n, I know it’s been hard for you to grow up in the spotlight, constantly being compared to us but this isn’t healthy,” She said, cupping your chin and lightly pulling your head up to meet her gaze. “If I had known all of this, I never would have let you do all those extra training sessions with me. It’s not safe for you to keep exercising like this when you’re not giving your body proper nourishment.”

“I can’t—” You sniffed. “I can’t stop. I need help.”

You felt a tear roll down your cheek as your mom brushed it away, pulling you in for a hug before the four of you got out of the car.

Once inside, your mom told you to sit down in the living room while she left for a few minutes. When she returned, she had the rest of the team with her and you could only assume she had given them the run-down on your situation. 

You were slightly hurt that she had shared your personal life like that, but you knew it was for the best.

“Here’s what’s going to happen,” Your mom said once everyone was settled. “Y/n, you’re going to help with dinner every night. I know it can be hard once you’ve developed a food phobia, but when you’re in control of what we eat every night it makes things a little easier. No more throwing your food in the trash, okay? As for school, I’ll be making you a homemade lunch each day, and Peter and Wanda will be keeping an eye on you and will be reporting back to me. First thing tomorrow, I’ll call and set you up an appointment with a therapist. Bottling up your emotions will only make things worse, trust me. You need to talk to someone, and a therapist will help to give you healthier coping mechanisms.”

You listened as your mom laid out these new rules before telling you to go lie down. As you got up to leave, you were bombarded with your family hugging you and telling you they were there for you. You honestly had never felt more loved and supported in your life.

You finally made your way to your room, lying down in bed. A few minutes later, you heard a knock at your door.

“Come in,” You said weakly.

The handle turned and Wanda walked in, using her powers to levitate a tray behind her. You sat up and she put the tray down in your lap. On the tray, you saw there was a plate of cheese and crackers.

You looked down at the tray before looking up at your girlfriend. You forced yourself to pick up one of the crackers and take a bite, your mind screaming at you the entire time. But you were sick. You knew this. You wanted to get better.

“I’m sorry for telling your mother,” Wanda spoke. “You were slowly killing yourself and I couldn’t stand by and watch it happen. I’m so sorry, y/n. Can you forgive me?”

“I don’t blame you, Wan,” You told her. “I’m the one who should be sorry. I never should have forced you and Peter to keep this a secret.”

Wanda wrapped you into her arms, squeezing tightly. The two of you stayed like that for a long time before you pulled away and, bite by bite, finished the snack she had brought you.

✩❀✩❀✩

You had been in recovery for about a month now, and while things were far from easy, you knew you could do it. Your family was your support system and they were right there by your side every step of the way.

You were sitting on the couch with Peter and Wanda, you and your girlfriend tangled in each other’s arms as you watched your mom on tv. She was finishing up a press conference.

“Oh, and one last thing before I go,” She spoke toward the camera and the audience. “Whoever decided to make awful comments about my daughter online, I am a trained assassin and I will find you.”

[stayevildarling]

Wilhemina Venable x Reader- When the time is right - Pt 1

Part 2, Part 3

word count: 3.8k

warnings: mention of scoliosis, angst + fluff at the end

A/N: This story is kind of an AU. Reader meets Venable when Wilhemina is light Mina (orange hair, adorable, cute, friendly) and they get together. One day Wilhemina breaks it off suddenly and they only reunite years later but Reader is met with a much darker version (dark Mina).

Also, this used to be on my Wattpad but I decided to completely rewrite it and add multiple parts

Taglist:

@lunaticwhittaker, @rainbow-hedgehog, @mrsdeanhoward, @alexajbitar, @in-cordelias-coven, @kenzbro, @loverofallthingssarah, @twistedpoeticjustice, @billiebeanhoward, @minaslittleone, @lilypadscoven, @vintagepaulson, @ninaahs, @whitelotus00, @httpfiftyshadesofgay

-Flashback-

''Are you serious right now after all we have been through?'' you try hard not to scream but it feels like your body is on fire, your lungs are burning, heart racing and your eyes watering. You cannot believe you are having this conversation with your girlfriend Wilhemina right now. After a whole year of knowing each other and eventually giving the relationship a go she is talking about moving on.

'It's for the best'' is all she said in return and then she walked out, cane in her hand hitting the floor hard and not once did she look back, she ignored your cries, you begging her to stay and please turn back around. You keep repeating this is a nightmare and you are gonna wake up any minute to her holding you in her arms. But it was no nightmare and she did walk out of your shared apartment and ever since that day you have tried to move on. But no matter what you did working, moving out of the apartment, meeting friends, getting to know new people it didn't work, Wilhemina was always on your mind, when you are asleep she would visit in your dreams, when you are driving or outside and a song plays, she is there in your memory as if she never left in the first place.

-End of Flashback-

Even right now as you are walking through the streets on your lunch break, coffee in your hand and earphones in your ears listening to music she is here again.

''I never needed you like I do right now....I never hated you like I do right now'' as you hear those lyrics your heart skips a beat and it feels like it is breaking all over again. You tried everything you could think of, start a new job in a new field, you moved to a new city but nothing seems to be able to take your mind off the redhead, clouding your mind, her touch still so present lingering on your skin, her voice still ringing through your ears and the smell of lavender following you wherever you go.

Currently, you are working for a company in California, in the social media department and to promote the brand and their work. It's mostly boring but you do enjoy social media and advertisement so you gladly took the job considering it comes with a higher paycheck and a brand new apartment. There was nothing left in your old city, no friends anymore because you drove them all away as they always talked badly about your ex-girlfriend and the feelings you still have for her. No family because you were kind of always on your own and after quitting your job there, there was nothing holding you back. The woman with red-orange hair and a purple obsession is currently on your mind again and no matter what you do she is stuck in your head, like a catchy record and it hurts. As you think about her a wave of flashbacks hit you, with no way of putting a stop to it and keeping the storm at bay.

''Wilhemina Venable, nice to meet you'' was the first few words that you ever heard her say and for a moment you were so struck that you couldn't even say anything. ''Cat got your tongue hmm?'' was what she said afterward and what got you to snap out of it, introduce yourself, and shake her hand. And when you touched her for the first time you knew you would never ever get tired of feeling her soft hands.

You would also never grow tired of looking into her beautiful brown eyes or the soft smile she would give you whenever she would see you. Back then you just finished college and you took your first job and she was your co-worker. Starting a relationship with a co-worker is sometimes frowned upon and there probably are good reasons for that but you didn't listen, not to your friends telling you not to do it and not to the other co-workers after they noticed the glances you and Wilhemina exchanged at work. But you both never let that stop you and you fell for her and you fell hard.

Although you had some crushes before, mostly on teachers in college or celebrities, you never had been in a relationship before. Every morning before work you would get up so early and make sure to put your best clothes on, you would improve your makeup skills and try different hairstyles to impress Wilhemina and you did. She would notice how often you would come around to her desk and ask her silly questions you both knew the answers to but you pretend you didn't. And eventually, she took all of her confidence and asked you out and that night was the most magical night of your life.

You went to an expensive restaurant and after she took you home and she gave you something that night that was precious and you held onto it till today. Patience. She was your first love and she made sure to not rush, to not hurt you, to be there for you and hold you whenever you needed her. After your first date, you went on some more magical nights together, before you were ready to allow her to love you and to love her in return and she made you feel things you never felt before. She would make your whole body feel beautiful and worthy, all your insecurities left whenever you were around the woman who had many insecurities herself due to her back. And that's probably what you admire most about her, the way she made you feel whenever you were with her.

Thinking about all this, you think back to the many dates you both went on, to restaurants, shopping, the movies, car dates, attending work parties together, going to get drunk together. Life felt so easy with Wilhemina around, although she was a few years older than you she was pure, she was funny, soft, kind, precious and she was innocent. She would always treat people with respect and offer help and you loved her beautiful and kind personality. You never thought that one night after being with each other for almost a year she would randomly walk out of your life and not once turn back around or try and talk about it.

Hearing the lyrics repeat, you sigh and shake your head because it is true, one part of you needed Wilhemina back in your life because no matter what you do you can not get her out of your head or heart for that matter. Part of you does hate her for leaving and walking out, you never cried harder in your life than the night she left and you couldn't function for days. All you did was cry, toss and turn in the bed or curl up on the floor in a little ball until you couldn't cry anymore but the pain never stopped. It took days and in the end, your friends who picked you up again, taught you how to take care of yourself again by eating, showering, getting dressed, and going to work and you hoped that moving and changing jobs would change something.

As you are sitting in a park, only a few blocks away from your new workplace, watching people having picnics, playing with their kids, walking their dogs, or doing exercise you realize that all this wasn't worth it. Moving away, leaving your job, apartment and friends did nothing, you still miss her and she still haunts you. You miss her gentle side, the soft Mina as you used to call her, who would hold you in her arms, who would say soothing words until you would fall asleep, and who would make you feel better after a hard day at work, hold you after a nightmare or would let you ramble about another one of the co-workers annoying you. You miss telling her about your days and how you feel because you could be free with her and be who you are and you haven't been that way in a very long time.

Checking your phone you notice your lunch break is over in five minutes so you toss your empty coffee cup in a nearby trash can and walk back to your office. Today has been particularly boring because all you have to do is answer people's dm's and requests on social media because currently there is no campaign going on. As you walk back to your desk you put your coat and bag away and start logging onto your laptop. That's when you hear your boss on his way to your desk and you can't help but internally roll your eyes. He isn't a bad guy or anything, he is in his fifties, grey hair, always wearing a suit and he treats you with respect and you appreciate him but whenever he would approach you it means a problem, like an advertisement going wrong or a complaint or a new major client and that means longer hours and staying in the office till midnight. Not that you mind considering there is nothing or no one to come back home to.

''Y/N'' he says as he finally reaches your desk. Looking up from your desk, you force a smile and reply ''Yes Mr. Odell what can I do for you?''. By his posture, you can tell he is in some kind of distress.

''Listen we have a potential new client and I want you to come to our first meeting with them'' he says excitedly and you question why he can't just bring his assistant. ''I can't bring Janet she is sick so I need you to get your things'' he explains and you log off your computer, take your coat and bag and follow him outside the building. It is quite chilly, so you are glad that you put a jacket over your blazer.

As the familiar buildings and streets fade into the distance, you try not to zone out like you usually would but these days your mind would often be preoccupied with daydreams or memories as if someone else was entirely in control of your thoughts.

''I have a meeting with a Mr. Pfister and Mr. Nutter'' he says absent-mindedly while looking into his calendar and talking about the company you are headed to. Snapping out of your thoughts, you nod and mumble ''Of course Mr. Odell'' before averting your gaze back to the window looking at the hectic city and people going on about their days. Your thoughts wander back to work and you try to think of a few possibilities to advertise their products, as that might not be as easy as you originally thought when agreeing on accompanying your boss.

The first thing you see as you walk into a large unfamiliar building, following your boss's steps,  is a front desk with some employees sitting there, it seems that this building is home to a few companies and different departments as they guide people into different parts of the building. You watch as your boss approaches the front desk,  ''Hello may I help you?'' a woman with blonde hair asks politely.

''Yes I have a meeting with Kineros Robotics'' he says and she looks at you, then him again, and points towards a sign. ''It's to your right just follow the signs'' she says and you notice how her facial expression changed from nice and friendly to cold and possibly scared? after your boss mentioned the company name. Reading people's expressions and understanding their underlying feelings, has always been something you are good at but you quickly shake the thought away and follow your boss.

As you walk down the corridor you see a young woman with long brown curled hair wearing a blouse with flower prints and a skirt run down the hall with a box in her hand, her heels echoing through the building. ''I'm sorry'' she mumbles hectic and nervous as she zooms past you and you give Mr. Odell a questioning expression before reaching the department.

''I'm so sorry there was a bad accident on the 101'' you hear the woman say and then you hear a sound that sounds both so familiar and unfamiliar at the same time. The cane tapping. For a moment you freeze, knowing this isn't just any cane tap as you are so used to a certain redhead woman expressing her emotions partly through the very device that helps her keep her balance. Despite not having heard the sound in over a year, you know exactly who must be on the other end of the hallway.

Temporarily you freeze, thinking maybe her leaving you and breaking things off with you, has ultimately clouded your senses and affected your brain and maybe you are imagining everything. After all the rational part of yourself, is trying to remind you that there is no explanation right now as to why she would be here of all places.

However, the next thing you hear is a clear confirmation that your brain is not tricking you, it's not your mind so clouded by her absence, she is here, the only thing keeping you from seeing each other is a wall and a few steps apart. As you hear a familiar voice your heart stops beating and your throat goes dry.

''Not as bad as the accident that brought you into the world'' that is all you heard and although her voice sounds more cold, harsh and raspy you are fully aware that Wilhemina is sitting at the end of that corridor. For a moment your body goes into a state of shock, your ears ringing, vision blurring, and your heart beating out of your chest.

Shortly after the girl what you assume now to be an assistant comes running back towards the corridor with tears in her eyes and her heels making the same clicking sound. She zooms past you and Mr. Odell again and all he says is ''Damn she seems feisty'' and you know it's aimed at Wilhemina and for a moment you debate whether to just turn around and pretend to be sick or needing to answer a phone call but you know you can't back out now, after all, you have missed seeing her for too long now.

All you wanna do is see her adorable orange hair, that you used to run your fingers through and untangle some knots after she had a long day, the dorky glasses that you sometimes made fun of, and beautiful pastel purple probably everywhere if this truly was her workplace after all. ''Come on'' your boss says, pulling you out of your thoughts yet again and you walk into the large room.

Eyes instantly wander to the source of purple in the room and the source of darkness in your heart and emptiness ever since she left but not only does your heart stop for a moment as you take a look at her, you blink a few times, now actually sure whether this is real or some kind of nightmare.

Wilhemina's hair is a much darker shape of red now and styled into a tall sharp quiff, no sign of her usual high ponytails anymore or the lighter and orange shape it used to be. You notice she doesn't wear glasses anymore and you are convinced her eyes look an even darker shape than before too. She is wearing a dress and it's also a very dark shade of purple with matching earrings. Even her makeup is darker, and as you see her sitting by her desk you can't deny how intimidating she seems, looking at some files, her cane resting on the desk right beside her. Even the cane is different now, it has a snake shape at the top and it's not the old plain one she used to have.

For a moment you believe you just walked right into your own personal nightmare, the funny, sometimes sassy, and beautiful girl you used to love now seems like a completely different and somewhat evil person. The Wilhemina you once loved and still have feelings for, as they never truly changed, seems gone and it seems like she was replaced by a new one, a colder version.

She would have never spoken to anyone like that or treated someone the way she just treated that girl that seems to be her assistant, by the looks of it. All the staring and observing Wilhemina happened in a matter of seconds although it feels like an eternity, everything is silent for a moment, all that is to be heard is your own heartbeat and the typing on Wilhemina's keyboard.

You watch as your boss approaches her and you follow him and finally, Wilhemina looks up noticing the presence of someone else in the room and her gaze is focused on him, so she hasn't seen you yet. He tries to shake her hand and says ''My name is Mr. Odell I have an appointment with Mr. Nutter and Mr. Pfister'' and she just looks at him and his hand with a slightly disgusted expression but she doesn't bother shaking his hand.

''Very well'' she says and takes a glance at you for a split second, noticing a second person in the room and her eyes wander back to her laptop thinking you are just some assistant but when she realizes who you are she immediately looks back over to you and she doesn't avert her gaze at first.

Wilhemina takes in your features for a moment, the sense of fashion, dressing smartly and formally but at the same time stunning as she always said, your hair, the improved makeup skills, and still the same details she always loved about you. She doesn't look into your eyes yet and you are interrupted when two men walk over.

One of them has brown hair and the other blonde hair and you try hard not to chuckle when you see them because they look hideous. ''Mr. Odell, nice to meet you'' they say and shake hands. ''This is Y/L/N maybe someone could show her around while we finalize the details?'' your boss suggests, taking you by surprise, and one of the two turns to Wilhemina and says ''Miss Venable would you give this beautiful lady a tour please''.

For a split second, you are convinced, she is about to kill him but you aren't sure if it's about the tour or compliment. ''Of course'' she mumbles and your boss and the two men leave and you are left there with your ex-girlfriend and awkward silence filling the room. You haven't looked up or into her eyes yet and it terrifies you, she terrifies you.

Wilhemina has no idea what to do or how to react after not seeing you for two years and the last time she did she walked out of your life and your relationship. The redhead looks at you and without looking into your eyes yet she knows the pain, she can see it and she can tell this is killing you inside, the last thing she ever wanted was to cause you pain.

You take a deep breath with your eyes closed and turn to Wilhemina and your eyes instantly lock and you look into her dark brown eyes and not leave her gaze for one moment. She takes a few slow steps towards you, her cane hitting the floor, and with every tap and echo in the room, it feels like your heart is ripped into more pieces and your past is here confronting you right at this moment.

''Mina'' is everything you can say but it comes out as a whisper while your voice cracks. Your ex-girlfriend's eyes close right away because she has missed hearing you call her that for the past two years but as she opens her eyes she reminds herself internally, who she is and that she is currently at her workplace.

''Follow me'' she instructs and you follow her while she walks down a corridor and into a room with big machines. While you follow her you can't understand what would have happened to her to turn into this cold-hearted person. She used to be the sweetest and kindest person you knew but clearly, something has changed. You cannot take your eyes off her and as she walks you into the room with machines, she explains about the work they do here and how they do it and as much as you try to focus and look at the things she shows you, you can't and Wilhemina notices.

''Do I bore you?'' she suddenly snaps in that cold voice again, her nostrils flaring and your heart feels like a knife was just thrown right into it. ''I'm sorr- sorry I-'' but you can't even think of a good enough excuse so you just look at the floor and try hard to keep your emotions at bay.

''Anyways, these are the machines and devices we use, whenever someone places a custom order we make sure to fulfill that order as efficient and quick as possible'' Wilhemina explains her voice still stern, sounding like she has given this tour so many times, she has memorized every single word.

However, you do notice her looking at you the entire time she explains and it seems like she wants you to say something but there are too many things that you want and wanted to say to her for years but you never imagined one day you would run into her like this. For several minutes the two of you stand in the rooms with machines, Wilhemina explaining and you trying hard to focus on her words intently.

''Y/N'' you hear the voice of your boss coming from the door, the two strange-looking men behind him, and you look at him, noticing the satisfied looks on their faces, indicating the deal worked well, and he says ''I'm finished, thank you, Miss, for giving her the tour'' he adds now focused on Wilhemina. ''Let's go'' he says and you walk in his direction without looking back at her and just as you are about to walk out of the door you look at her and say ''Thank you'' and then you walk out.

As you walk out of the large office building, back through the same long corridor, and past the front desk, you can't hear anything your boss is trying to say and the entire car ride back to the office you try and wrap your head around what just happened, abandoning every single word Mr. Odell is saying.

''This didn't happen wake up Y/N wake-up Y/N'' you keep repeating in your head but it's no use this is no nightmare this is reality.

[thevibraniumveterans]

Tony Leung: “[Wenwu] isn’t a villain at all!”

On September 6, 2021, Tony Leung sat down with Hong Kong actress Carol “Dodo” Cheng for an interview about life, sports, and of course, his latest Hollywood outing as a widower who grieved the death of his beloved wife and a father who “didn’t know how to love [his children]” in Shang-Chi and the Legend of the Ten Rings.

=

Interview is originally in Cantonese, and has been translated into English.

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

-

Today I'm really pleased to interview Tony Leung Chiu-Wai. The last time I really chatted with you in earnest was... Do you remember? In 2013.

I think that time I was with...

We were on a plane together. 

At the mall? On a plane?

We arrived in Hong Kong, and went to some awards ceremony. We were waiting for our luggage, exchanged a few words. That was 2013, and we haven’t met since. Where did we meet up next? I’m sure you won’t remember. It was here in Hong Kong. I was surprised by you. I usually go to the supermarket, very early in the morning. Because there's no-one there. 

Yeah.

I saw you there.

I think that was probably it. Not too crowded in the morning. 

You too. Why so early in the morning?

To... buy food. I usually wake up at 6am. I’d exercise until about 10am-ish, and then I’d…

Go for a walk.

Shower, then shop for food. I usually eat quite simply— it’s either salad, or buckwheat noodles. Salad doesn't stay fresh very well. So I’d get up early in the morning, shop for what I like, and prepare it at home.

Have you been eating healthy all this time?

I’m not doing this particularly for my health. I get an upset stomach easily. I get food poisoning very easily. And it’s miserable having food poisoning! When you’re at work, others don’t know how bad you’re having it. But you can’t tell-- you can’t convey that.

Alright, at this point it’s time for a nostalgia trip. We used to be colleagues, and we’ve shot TV series together. At that time, did you feel that you could eat whenever and not have to sleep… When did you start prioritising your health?

When did it start? I think it would have been… at least 20 years ago. Because it’s miserable being sick while on set. You’ve got to keep working. Even when I had a fever, (producer) Wong Kar-Wai would say, “No, it’s the last day, you’ve got to make it.” So I would work with a fever!

It’s good that everyone's health-conscious now, and wants to avoid falling ill. So when I was preparing for this interview, some friends told me, They’d seen you and me do an interview, from many years ago. I don’t think you’d remember. We’re talking many years ago - decades here! You were really young at the time. At the TV station you were a rising star, a top male lead actor. So I interviewed you. I asked you a question, and I don’t know if you remember how you answered. I asked, “Have you thought about retirement?” You did give me an answer at the time. Do you remember at what age you said you’d retire?

I really don’t remember. I’m sure retirement was always on my mind then.

You were in your 20s then, not quite 30. You told me— “I will definitely retire at 36!”

[laughter]

What changed your mind?

I believe that when I started out as an actor, it was certainly hard work when I was just starting out. But I thought, I wouldn’t get to where I am today without going through tough times. But as I slowly grew as a person, my perspectives and values have changed. I feel more at ease. So I wouldn’t think in extremes like I did before. I think that in the past 10, 20… 10 years? I've become a more relaxed person. I wouldn’t just say, “now I’ll retire.” If I want to keep going, I will.

This is your favourite line of work, isn’t it?

Except sport. 

Could you imagine yourself in any other career? I can’t.

I’d be a sportsperson. 

A sportsperson, playing what?

I play a lot of sports. I like mountain biking, sailing, water skiing, surfing… I’m up for anything. 

You really like water sports, don’t you?

It’s hot in Hong Kong, and summer takes up most of the year. What’s more refreshing than being in the water?

How about in winter?

I’d still be in the water, wearing long sleeves.

You wouldn’t take up running?

I don’t particularly like it… I can’t seem to find much variety in running. I like to interact with nature directly. There’s something new every day. Take sailing, for example. Every day is different, the weather changes.

Your body is in a different condition every day.

You're working with the changing conditions. You end up building up a lot of knowledge. You learn about nature, the weather, changes in conditions. The water, currents, what do you call it... Hot weather warms the ocean and you’ll have gusts of wind. I didn’t know all this. But the more I sailed, the more I thought,“This is great!”

You’ve got a real passion for this.

I do.

What have you been up to during the pandemic? It’s been 1— almost 2 years, hasn't it?

I was filming in 2 movies… And... flying here and there.

Do you need to quarantine? 

Quarantine! Countless times.

We’ve talked for so long, let’s come back to this film, Shang-Chi. I believe Tony has received endless invitations to appear in overseas films. Why did you choose this film?

I didn't really... I believe it’s fate to be involved in certain films. I can’t just want to act in some type of film, then get it. An opportunity comes up, but sometimes the director might not like me, or I might not like the screenplay. Or I might like the director, but I don’t like the character. So you can’t just make this sort of thing happen. I think sometimes the time will be just right and things will happen. The director may like me, and I like the project, or I like the director. Or I might want to try something in particular. It takes a lot, a combination of factors, for something to happen.

It's like a piece of furniture, isn't it? The pieces need to be joined precisely.

Yes.

How were you scouted for this movie? How were you approached?

The director approached me, wanted to have a chat with me. So I...

What's your requirements for taking on a film? Do you need to read through the whole screenplay?

That would be best. It would.

You would've been in many films without a solid screenplay, wouldn't you?

There would still be an idea. 

An overview of sorts.

But this movie... You know Marvel is very secretive. At the beginning, I was in a video conference call with the director. What he could tell me at the time was, "You're going to be the main villain. Your character has many layers." Then I asked, "do I need to fight?" "No, because you have those rings." So I said, "then I'll definitely be fine." That was all.

What about that drew you in? Being the main villain?

That was one of the draws. In the past few years, I wanted to try characters different to those I'd played previously.

Why do all actors who have played male leads want to go off and play villains?

Actually... there's more complexity to them. I feel like there's a different mindset between playing a protagonist and an antagonist. I've acted for 30-something years. It's about time I did something different.

So you're in, you're headed to the shoot, and you're now the main villain! What's the mindset behind this?

Oh, not for this film. I thought I was the villain at first. A month before the shoot, I read the script. I didn't think this character was a villain at all. There was a real human side to this villain. Perhaps Marvel was hoping to portray a villain from a different angle this time around. So I was puzzled. Initially I was expecting, "Ooh, a villain, this will be fun", but when I looked at the script, "no, this isn't a villain at all!"

Very sentimental? 

Yes, and a lot of humanity.

You thought it would be easy playing a villain.

I didn't think it would be easy.

You didn't think there would be so much emotion. 

I didn't think it would be easy. I thought there would be more evil in him. I read the script and thought, "oh no, he's not evil at all", And that's difficult to portray. How would you let the audience... and I thought, "wow it's as if he's a good guy?" I read through the script and couldn't find the evil in this character.

How would you portray this character? Was the director able to help you?

The director...

Or did he put a lot of trust in you? 

I rarely... He put a lot of trust in me, and I don't discuss with the director often. I thought, what's the use of discussing? I could just act it out. You can be really idealistic when you discuss. I would rather do more... When I arrived, Destin would ask me, "Do you want to talk it out?" and I would say no.

Was there a read-through? 

No, no read-through.

You went straight to shooting?

Yes, straight to the shoot.

Then it would be like, "Tony, stand here, in this shot do this and that, and you'd do it?

Yeah. It was kind of like that. We filmed the action scenes first. So there was time to warm up. Then the dramatic parts. I like the drama most. I felt the most excited during these parts. The action scenes were particularly tough, because it was summer in Australia then.

Did you need to train?

I did. At first I was told I didn't need to fight. Then when I got there— wow, there's so many action scenes! So I scrambled and...

But you've got those rings. You can just throw the rings.

Sure, but there's still some action involved. Because I didn't physically prepare beforehand, it was rather tough at first. I got used to it as the shoot went on, but the weather was still hot. And there were period costumes, so it was tough at first.

So there was a sequence, they filmed all the action scenes first, and then scenes with dialogue afterwards, is that right?

I think they deliberately scheduled this so I could warm up a little. So I wouldn't need to dive straight into very intense dialogue.

There are a lot of actors involved, right? Your character has a son, too. Is this the first time you're portraying a dad?

Would it be my first time... 

Or you have, but not for a much older son?

Yes, not for a much older son. I had a child in “The Grandmaster” as well. But not that old, no.

How would you portray the emotions of a father-son relationship? Because your character didn't know his son. 

It was manageable. In this movie, the father-- not that he didn't love his children. He didn't know how to love them. This character doesn't even know how to love himself. The love was from his wife, portrayed by Fala Chen, He found love in this woman. But he doesn't know how to love others. So he was very distant from his children, his sons— his daughters were pretty much ignored. He was a father figure who preferred sons over daughters, a rather... traditional father archetype. Almost the old-fashioned type.

In shooting this movie, what was most difficult for you?

The action scenes. 

Do you do all these scenes yourself?

I try to, but they wouldn't let us do the really dangerous ones. If you're injured, who's going to replace you?

Sure.

But I try to do as much as I'm able.

You'd need to rehearse the scenes with everyone. 

Of course. Once we arrived, they arranged for Fala, my son, played by Simu, and my daughter... like you and I used to, we would all practice in the studio.

How long were the working hours?

It was 10 working hours a day, but we went all the way through that. There was no break in between. 

Really? I thought you would be sitting comfortably in your trailer?

No! We filmed a lot every day! You know how that made me felt? It felt like I was in my TV days again.

Really?

You'll think, "will we get through this much filming today?" And by the end of the day, you would. But it was very intense. Perhaps they didn't want us to have a break, because we'd have to disperse and regroup. So we went all the way through. Once we arrived in the studio, it was full steam ahead. There was no meal break, because there was always...

No meal break?

No.

I've never heard of a Hollywood film shoot without meal breaks.

There's food throughout the day. Catering comes around, and we'd just eat.

But there wouldn't be an hour for a meal break.

No.

How long was shooting in total?

I was involved for about... 4 months.

Was that long or short timeframe, in your experience?

I felt like it was short, because they were very efficient and organised. They planned it really well. So every you'd head in and whoosh,

It flowed well. 

Yes, very professional.

In your opinion, are there particular scenes you're in that the audience should pay attention to?

I think... I wouldn't say particular scenes, but the film as a whole. I don't think you've all seen me in this get-up before.

We could tell from the promos.

Very different to what I've played before.

Did you stay in one place for four months, or did you have to fly around?

We were only in Sydney, because we were in a studio. It was all green screen. There were a lot of special effects, so we only had to construct part of a set, And the rest was green screen, so it was mostly shot in the studio. Only the opening and ending were elsewhere, in a park, and in a village on a set they'd constructed. So I was there for... I was in Sydney the whole time. But because of the pandemic, I left for a few months in the middle, and returned when were were able to shoot again.

How did you feel about your experiences after the shoot? It's a Marvel movie, very different from the dramas and other films you've been in. How would you sum up your experiences?

Very stressed, very frustrated.

Really?

Because I'm the type of person who stays in their comfort zone. I filmed with familiar directors, and familiar crew.

You've really leapt out of your zone there.

I really stepped out of this comfort zone, working with strangers. The only person I could trust in was the director. I didn't know anyone else there. And when I got a copy of the screenplay, like I mentioned, I realised, "Wow, a villain that doesn't feel like a villain, what do I do?" I'd only received the script a month before the shoot. And when I got there, I had to work with the dialect coaches on delivery. I was filming, I was thinking... it was stressful. But we got through in the end.

Where were the costumes done?

In Tokyo. I was there at the time, and our costume designer kindly flew over to dress and fit me. At the time I didn't know what was in the script, I didn't know the story. But the costumes helped me a lot at the time. The movie's costumes were made beautifully. I thought they had good design sense. So when I was dressed for the first time, I was able to feel...

That you were the character.

Yes, roughly. I had an initial feeling for it. And then I would turn up in person, and get a better feel as I played the character.

So the shoot is over, it's about to be released. What plans do you have next, Tony?

Well when I came back to Hong Kong, I took part in a local film. Then I might shoot one in Shanghai, and then a TV series in Vancouver.

So you've done a complete turn-around since I last interviewed you. You were thinking of retiring at 36, do you not plan to retire now?

Not that I haven't thought about it... I'll stop when I feel tired. Then I'll go back to playing sports. If I feel like I've taken too long a break, and go "no, I need to do something," and there's something I'm really interested in, I'll do it. I don't need to come to a complete stop. It's something I like, after all.

So when you film in future, you wouldn't be thinking, "oh, I've been in a Hollywood production, "I will only appear in productions at that tier.” You'll be happy with a good screenplay.

Yes.

You might be asked to shoot drama films again. You would still take that on?

Well, I haven't given myself...

You've already left your comfort zone.

Yes, but I haven't really limited myself to what I think I should film. If there's a good film, I'll shoot in it. If there's something I like, I'll do it.

Well Tony, surely a typical day in Hong Kong for you wouldn't be on the water all day. What's a typical day like for you without shoots?

Well I'd get up, and there would be at least 2 hours of exercise.

Every day?

Yes.

Monday through Sunday?

Maybe one, half day's rest. You've got to let your body recover.

How about when you're shooting in Hollywood?

Not during filming, I'd save up my energy for that. Shooting takes 10 hours a day, but hair and makeup could take 2 hours. That's 12 hours, and it was tiring.

That's true.

I needed the energy for filming. But in Hong Kong, without a shoot, I'd have 2 hours exercise in the morning, make lunch, I might do some sports, like sailing, or water skiing. I'll come home, maybe watch a movie, or read a book. That's it. Maybe I'll have dinner.

I wouldn't exactly call that exciting. [Laughter]

It's pretty exciting!

For you, at least.

If the weather's good and I spend the day out sailing, I'd feel really happy about that. But not every day's a good day. I might capsize, and it would feel wrong. But it's not all that bad.

Why don't you enter competitions?

I have entered competitions.

Have you placed in these competitions?

Well... I have placed before.

What did you place?

I think second.

Oh, that's quite good. If you competed in the Olympics in sailing, there's no age limit there right?

Yes, there's no limit. But you don't necessarily have to compete in the Olympics. I could...

But we would all be happier for it, Tony. Imagine, Tony Leung Chiu-Wai representing Hong Kong and winning a medal! You've seen how happy the medalists have been this year.

It's really hard! It's really hard!

Why is that?

You're not as fit as younger people. It's hard. I play sports purely for enjoyment. I feel like it's an experience.

Fair enough.

It's... I'm not the type to want first place or something.

You're not a competitive person.

Yes. I don't want to experience a sport in that way. I'm there for my own enjoyment, not to win.

Let's say in future... since I last saw you in 2013— that wasn't even an interview, and now I've met you after all this time. Let's say in 5 years. What would you be doing in 5 years' time?

Maybe I...

Back then you said you'd retire at 36. I'll ask you again now, let's not dredge up the past. What do you think you'd be doing?

In 5 years' time, I think I would have more time for sports. [laughter]

Still on the water?

Yeah. Well, not necessarily, but a lot of different sports. I do want to try some—

Try running! I've seen Kar Ling (Carina Lau) run before! 

Yes, she likes running, and hiking too.

Why don't you run with her?

I don't really like running.

Hiking?

Hiking, I'd rather... well when I'm skiing, I'd walk in the back country, in good weather, carrying my skis and wearing my cleats, it's the same thing. I'd hike up and ski down. But not that kind of hiking. Well sometimes... when in summer, in Hokkaido, I can't ski. I would still hike, but I wouldn't really like it. But it would be better with friends.

But you don't like being around too many people. 

I sometimes like being with family. But my family... not everyone can hike. One might cramp up halfway.

Since you like being on the water so much, how many people does it take to do that?

One.

Just you?

Yeah.

Just someone to steer the boat.

Uhh... yeah.

It doesn't matter if there's a boat?

I do a lot of different water sports. I have those... electric boards, the type that shoot up like a magic carpet on the water, I have a stand up paddleboard, I can surf by myself too, that's doable. A lot of the sports I do can be done solo. I don't need a lot of people around.

You've really changed from before. You used to like to... go out at night?

Yeah.

That's all gone?

It has for a while. I haven't been in the nightlife for 20, 30 years. I'd eat out for dinner at most. Then I'd go straight home.

I remember I used to shoot TV dramas with you, you surprised me— We've filmed one or two series together, I would go straight home to bed afterwards, because I've always been a morning person. You could still say, "I'm going to go out for a bit." Yet the next day — our call sheets had us in very early — you were still able to make it in on time. Back then…it was a rite of passage.

Because I was young. Yes, and it was life experience. There are things you should do at that age.

Sure. Well, I hope to see you in another production soon. If this series were really successful, would you continue in any sequels?

[laughter] I really don't know, I can't say.

Why's that?

I feel like... as I've mentioned, there's fate involved in shooting a particular film. We'll see where...

…where fate takes you.

...where fate takes me.

Thank you Tony Leung Chiu-Wai for being with us today.

You're welcome.

[lovesanmotion]

mafia!ateez reacts: comforting s/o with ptsd

💌 This is: Requested

[!] To those who are curious, PTSD or Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is a mental health condition that is caused by a traumatic or terrifying event - either witnessing or experiencing it. A few examples of it are: childbirth experiences (losing a baby), serious accidents, war and conflict, torture, being kidnapped or held hostage and seeing other people get killed before you.

Taglist: @yunhobabygurl

Hongjoong:

You felt like a failure, not only to yourself, but to your in laws as well. Three years after your marriage, they were already expecting a heir. At first, Hongjoong would lie and say that he is too busy to go back home and sleeps in his warehouse, but the longer he lies, the more he lacks reasons. You, on the other hand, tried your best to do everything just to be blessed with a child. You went to various temples and recited prayers, lit up incense sticks and performed rituals. You consulted love doctors to know which positions is best to have a baby, ate organs of various animals and countless made love with Hongjoong during the full moon. But all those efforts became vain when you would still get your monthly period.

You would cry to yourself while looking at the baby gifts your friends and his closest friends gave you. You couldn't bare any insult thrown at you by his mother or his father. The sight of them alone already gives you anxiety. Amidst of your crying, a pair of arms would wrap around you from behind and engulf you into a hug.

"We'll get through this together" Hongjoong says, resting his chin on your shoulder while caressing your stomach.

Seonghwa:

Even though Seonghwa had given the enemy group the five hundred grand, they still had a little time to have fun with you. While Seonghwa and his men were on their way to claim you, the men and their boss made you watch them kill the lives of innocent adults and children. If you look away, they would stab you. And if you closed your eyes, they would stab you but ten times more.

Days after the incident, you found it hard to look at anything that is red and sharp objects immediately triggered you. Upon the sight of a cutlery knife once sent you to tears and a sobbing mess while Seonghwa catches you in his arms. Seonghwa had ordered all the maids to hide anything sharp and pointy and discard anything red that they have and replace it with any color. Whenever you cried, Seonghwa would take you in his arms and bury your face on his chest. Neverminding how your tears would soak his button down shirt.

Yunho:

When Yunho refused to give in to the enemy group, they held hostage someone very dear to him. You. They had locked you up in a room inside their warehouse, the room didn't have anything except a hanging light and a chair you're currently bounded in. While the enemy group was waiting for Yunho, a female members of their entertained your room. Fearing the worst, she started throwing punches at your stomach as if you were a punching bag. When she learned that Yunho and his men arrived, she gave one last punch and that is to your jaw and falling down on the ground.

The aftermath of the horrific event paid a price to you. Whenever someone tried to get close or lay a hand on you, you would immediately scream and run away from them, raising your arms around yourself in a defensive position. This was especially hard for Yunho since he wanted to comfort you by having you in his arms, but couldn't due to your new fear of being touched. With this, he signed you up for therapy and bought the prescribed medication your therapist had given. And as you undergo therapy, Yunho would be delighted to make you your breakfast, send you gifts and place them inside your room and leave you love letters on top of your bed table. Hoping that one day, you would be able to overcome it.

Yeosang:

When the enemy group learned about you, Yeosang did not hesitate to get you into hiding. Immediately ordering four of his men to get the helicopter and locate you to a secret island, but on the way, the skies became grey and foggy, Yeosang on the other end of the intercom monitored your safety, following you in a ship in the waters. However, the line started to disrupt until he heard your screams and multiple gunshots. He took off the headset and stared up in the skies where he could make out the figure of the helicopter about to crash down.

The helicopter carried five people, including you. And it so happens that it was only you who survived the accident. You weren't facing anything serious, just a few scratches here and there, but whenever you heard loud sounds such as banging and ringing, you would immediately jump in your spot and your hands would automatically hold onto him. Yeosang would comfort you by holding your hand and caressing it gently with his. While doing so, he would do breathing exercises with you, it was simple but effective.

San:

When San managed to hide you underneath his desk, you couldn't help but overhear their conversation. Though nothing what they were talking about made sense to you, what stood and stuck inside your head were the words "If possible, I would have killed you with my bare hands right now and watch as the color in your skin fade into purple and blue." left you hanging and pondering over it.

And ever since that day, you couldn't look at San in the eyes anymore. You once tried to, but your mind played tricks and you saw how his lips turned into purple. It came to a point where you find it hard to sleep at night because the image of him being dead would be the first thing to greet you as your eyes closed. San would everything in his power to get rid of your disorder, but most importantly, he would also pay attention to what you feel about his lifestyle because, without denying it, it was him who brought you into this.

Mingi:

The sound of gunshots and bombs rang all over your ears, you swear you could lose your sense of hearing already. Bodies lying down on the ground, unmoving and still. You wondered how could he face this kind of scenario everyday. You tried to get away when a bomb exploded near you, causing you to fall on the ground, losing consciousness.

A few days after the terrifying event, Mingi observed how you became startled and frightened at the sounds of loud ringing, how you would zone out of yourself and sometimes, feel detached. Mingi swears that you're physically with him, but mentally somewhere else. He knew that after witnessing something so terrifying would cause you this, and that is why Mingi had you signed up for cognitive therapy. Hoping that your mind would bury the past events and be able to help you overcome it.

Wooyoung:

It had not only happened once, but it happened twice already. You've lost two of your unborn babies while giving a heir that would soon inherit Wooyoung's business. The loss of your children brought you great stress to yourself emotionally and physically that your health started to decline and your hair slowly started to grow white in your middle twenties.

When Wooyoung learned all of this, he gave the maids an indefinite vacation. One wherein he told them to rest and eat good food while he took his time taking care of you. Before leaving, the maids wished the young madam (aka you) a goodluck and speedy recovery. And in the succeeding days, Wooyoung would get up early and prepare everything for you. After that, he would go on long walks with you in the garden and pick flowers and make flower crowns. He wanted to divert your mind and away from all the negative you were thinking of. And he also took a mental note to dye your white hairs.

Jongho:

Before Jongho came to your rescue, you were placed inside a large fish tank with chains around your ankles and arms. Not understanding what you were doing inside at first until you felt the cold water at your feet. Finally realizing what was going to happen to you, you kept banging your hands on the screen of the tank, yelling that someone would hopefully hear you. Fear would slowly start to get you as soon as the water rises to your knees, it was useless to climb out with both of your hands tied. Slowly, the waters dangerously increased until they reached your waist. You were already floating in the water and the coldness starting raising the hairs in your arms. You tried screaming for help, particularly screaming Jongho's name. But your pleas were answered by nothing. And as the waters reached to your neck, you tilted your head up to give you more oxygen. Until slowly, the waters fully engulfed you. You held your breath before you could be succumbed, but it wasn't enough as a few minutes later, your body started to jerk and your head moving front and back and slowly, your eyelids closing down on you and your eyes rolling back.

Jongho was quick to saving you. After closing your eyes, he was able to break the human sized tank and caught you in his arms. Laying you down on the nearest surface he could find and then performing CPR on you. But even though he saved you from near death, he noticed how you would avoid taking baths and not coming out of the house when it was raining. He knew that the past event caused you to like this. At first, he tried to convince you to watch the rain with him, but you disagreed. Whenever you would take a shower, Jongho would have to be inside with you. In every step, Jongho would be there for you to overcome your fear and be able to face the waters once more.

[deusluxuria]

johnny how does spine???

( warning: medical stuff )

( Don't be ableist or go "ew" or "oh no that is so sad that he's disabled" I'll eat you. )

For fanfiction info and whatever.

This info is subjective and not a matter of "you have to perceive Johnny this exact way." It's just a lil guide or starting point that might be helpful if you want to know more about Johnny's most-likely type of paraplegia.

There are a number of factors going on effecting the variables when it comes to gunshot wounds, spinal injury, and paralysis. So I'm gonna simplify it and get into basic stuff that doesn't require having a PhD or knowing firearm ballistics and all that.

(That being said, when it comes to writing about the experience of ableism, you need to be talking to disabled people and reading about their experiences. Remember that disabled people are a marginalized group.)

There's only so much we can figure out canonically. Spine injuries vary a lot, and then there are inconsistencies with Johnny's disability throughout the story. Araki likes to "not sweat the small stuff" (in his own words).

I like to just stick to the information we have in the beginning, since we get the most from there.

These are two excerpts from one of the first few chapters of the manga, showing approximately where in the spine Johnny was injured (just about above elbow level).

And here's a diagram showing the spinal column, and about what "above the elbow" means for Johnny's bodily functions. The T9 vertebrae is the closest to where that might be, so it can be assumed that Johnny's spine is effected from there-downward. Again, this varies depending on the person and multiple factors of the injury.

Digestive:

Johnny has no bowel control (which means it's a given he also has no urinary control). And according to how other characters say he has no sensation below the waist, either that's true or he has very minimal sensation.

Johnny is rich, so he can pay his medical bills. And his main dilemma in the story is that he's got a toxic self-ableist ego, so he probably would have gone for the prosthetic route, with colostomy surgery & catheters. As opposed to a bowel program or using diapers / other receptacles. Prosthetics also make more sense in context, since he's in a horse race and being chased by violent assholes, and so he wouldn't be able to visit a doctor or look after his hygiene just whenever.

A colostomy involves a hole (aka "stoma") being surgically made directly to the colon from the abdomen. A removable colostomy bag (aka "stoma bag") is attached to the hole, and is used as a receptacle for fecal matter to be emptied into automatically.

[ID: simple diagram showing the structure of colostomy surgery, & the location of the stoma & where the colostomy bag hangs. /end ID] [ID: simple stock photo showing a person slightly lifting up their shirt to show their colostomy bag, which is opaque, white flesh-tone color, & about the size of a large adult's winter mitten. /end ID]

This can make bowel movements easier for some paralyzed people as opposed to diapers or bowel programs, because emptying into a colostomy bag requires a lot less muscle function, is easier to change and clean, and needs less prep before bathing, showering, exercise, sex, sleep, etc.

Similarly, a catheter bypasses some of the distance and muscle control needed for urinating. A small, thin tube is inserted into the urethra and guided to the bladder. Urine automatically empties from the bladder, through the tube, and into a drainage bag, which is kept strapped to the person's thigh or calf, or secured to their wheelchair or underneath their bed.

[ID: simple diagram showing the structure of a catheter & thigh drainage bag, as well as what the extension to an overnight drainage bag might look like. /end ID] [ID: simple stock photo of an opaque white drainage bag cover, strapping the bag to the person's thigh. /end ID]

If someone uses a diaper, they'd simply change it whenever it's used, or otherwise whenever they're able to.

Because Johnny rides horses and does various dangerous, strenuous things in SBR, if using prosthetics, he might have his colostomy bag secured to his torso in some way (such as tying a piece of fabric around his torso). He might also have more padding to these prosthetics to protect them from being punctured, or worse, ripped out.

When he was shot, the bullet also may have perforated his intestines (along with his gallbladder and a kidney), which would have made a colostomy procedure necessary anyway. When he's shown in the hospital, he has a cloth wrapped around his pelvis, and acknowledges in distress that he's lost bowel and/or bladder control. So we can guess that his intestines are at least mostly intact.

[ID: Part of a panel from the Steel Ball Run manga, showing Johnny from the waist-down, in a hospital bed with a white cloth folded around his pelvis and bandages around his abdomen. /end ID]

Pain:

Johnny has the right idea about strapping his ankles up next to his saddle. People without paralysis tend not to realize just how heavy the human body is. With no muscle control in his legs, they would be way too heavy, and his back would be injured if he were to just let his legs dangle, especially while riding on horseback at high speeds. That would most definitely break his legs.

One thing about a transition between having muscle control and then being paralyzed is that previously non-paralyzed people might not understand right away that their paralyzed body parts still need to be taken care of. Even if those parts don't feel pain.

Johnny would likely have back, neck, and shoulder pain after being paralyzed, at least for a while. At least until he re-learns how to take care of his body from the waist down. Treating his legs like dead weight would put strain on the rest of his skeleton.

[ID: A panel from one of the first few chapters of Steel Ball Run. Johnny from the side, showing how he has changed the structure of his horse saddle and has his ankles strapped to his sides, so he's seated on his horse in a kneeling position. /end ID]

Sexual:

It's possible to experience orgasm with paralysis. There are types of non-genital orgasms, and then, strong or prolonged, repetitive stimulation to the errogenous zones of sensationless genitals can still cause orgasm that's felt from the waist-up (paralyzed folks may find the use of strong vibrators to be especially beneficial). Prostate stimulation may also be significantly more effective than genital stimulation.

Some people also have increased sensitivity from the waist-up if they're paralyzed from the waist-down (i.e. Johnny would feel notably more pain when injured, say, on his arm, than Gyro would).

A person can also have phantom sensations and experience pleasure & arousal from visual stimuli alone.

Sex with paralysis might need extra lubricant, since natural biological lubrication can be less prevalent with pelvic paralysis.

The way sexual stimulation feels to a paralyzed person is likely impossible for a non-paralyzed person to imagine. And it of course depends on the person and the unique way of how they experience sex in general.

Going by Johnny's personality, mainly with his loss of self-confidence, after his injury, he would likely only have sex with someone whom he trusts very deeply.

Reproductive:

With a uterus and viable ovaries, it's just as possible to get pregnant with pelvic paralysis as it is without. There can also still be pain during childbirth.

Viable testicles are a different story. It's very difficult to get someone pregnant when the person with testicles has pelvic paralysis. There would need to be help from a doctor. In context, Steel Ball Run doesn't stick to historical accuracy. But if it were, there's no way disability services around 1890 were existent enough for people with testicles to have medical help conceiving children when paralyzed at the pelvis.

If George is the biological child of both Johnny and Rina, it would make more logical and historical sense if Johnny had a uterus and was the one who gave birth to George, alongside Rina having testicles and being the one who impregnated Johnny. But that all depends on your headcanons, like what I said at the beginning of the post.

thank you for tuning in to "how johnny spine does" or something, goodnight lol

[winter-soldier-vibes]

What’s going on with you? (Bucky x reader)

What is going on with you?

Bucky Barnes x reader

Word count: 2633

Warnings: Purging, restricting, depression, anxiety

Summary: the reader is a part of the avengers, and has an eating disorder. It used to be worse, but whenever she feels like she makes a mistake r gets into an argument, she slips up. Bucky discovers this one day and tries to help her.

A/N: It has BEEN A BIT. I am home for the semester, and therefore have much more time. I should be able to write more, but I don’t want to get overwhelmed. I’ll make a separate post about what happened. Take care of yourselves!

You stood up on shaky legs, leaning against the sink for support. Your heart was still racing and your head was pounding. You flushed the toilet and looked in the mirror. Bloodshot eyes, tear-stained face, and sweat-slicked skin. You looked like you were sunburned and had just had an intense crying session. That or something much more likely.

You looked like you had just been throwing up. Which was the case.

You sighed as you turned on the water, cold. It helped with the redness. You washed your hands first, then cupped them to bring to your face. Ideally, you would shower, but you were too exhausted for that right now. Plus, you had a meeting to get to and this round of purging had taken longer than you had anticipated. Damn pasta nearly choked you on its way back up.

It was methodical. Wash your hands, then your face, make sure your eyes aren’t as bloodshot. Blow your nose 20 times, stick your face in a towel and sigh, take your hair down and make it look more presentable, like when you had come in. finally, when everything is presentable, spray the air freshener and practice your fake smile.

God, you hated this.

You tried to stop. It wasn’t like you enjoyed puking your guts out. But you felt like your say in the matter was long gone.

You either didn’t eat anything or ate and vomited everything. 

Thankfully, no one had picked up on it yet.

You sighed again as you turned off the lights and exited the bathroom. You felt lighter and calmer, although your heart was still racing. Family dinner with the Avengers is always the worst. No excuses to miss, no reasons to not eat, therefore, you just had to take care of it after.

Usually, it wouldn’t have been too bad - you hadn’t eaten anything in days aside from a few apples. But you had fucked up. You were sparring in the gym with Natasha and you kept missing your mark. You were weaker, unable to focus.

God knows why.

Nonetheless, it was a horrible training session and you got your ass beat. Not just normal Natasha-Romanoff-beats-everyone beat, but if-this-was-real-you-would-have-killed-me beat.

Not that that was too undesirable at the moment.

See, usually, you were able to just get away with not eating without trying too hard. But whenever you made a mistake, you felt that urge. You wanted to just eat everything. You don’t know why or where it came from, but you just wanted to eat everything in sight. Just so you could barf it up along with all your negative feelings about yourself.

You had tried to get over your issues with food for so long and it never really worked out. You had gone to therapy and hospitals as a teenager and they would always give up on you. The hospital staff knew your name by looking at you, you were the revolving door patient. Any discharge and goodbye really meant see you at your next admission when you relapse in a few weeks.

It wasn’t really about you recovering. It was about keeping you alive until your next relapse. 

It was better now. You used to be skin and bones, on the verge of dying. Then you started eating and vomiting your feelings. Now you were a healthy weight, no matter how much you tried to lose it. You missed being skin and bones. You wanted to get over this, but you wanted to be thin first. 

You weren’t dying but you weren’t living either. Your eating disorder was better but still was the silent shadow on your life. The only difference was now no one saw it or asked about it. So when you went longer without eating or purged more times, no one noticed. Because no one realized there was something to notice.

You didn’t think it would get better so you stopped hoping it would. You stopped trying. You were an adult now, so you were free to make your own choices. No parents or therapists in your way.

You made it into the common area, where Steve and Bucky were waiting. There were a couple of empty chairs - one for you and one for Sam. you had a mission briefing, and since it was urgent you would be leaving tonight. 

Great. 

You sat down - well, you more fell into your chair - and leaned back and closed your eyes. Bucky, who sat next to you, turned your way slightly and laughed nervously. 

“You okay there, doll?”

You opened your eyes and turned towards him. “Just a little tired I guess. Haven’t been sleeping well.”

Bucky chuckled. “You and me both.” He laughed a little, but you knew it was a touchy subject. Nightmares would keep Bucky up for days on end, and the dark circles under his eyes right now told you this week had been relentless for him. 

Steve, ever the one to care about his team, inquired, “Are you okay to do this mission y/n? I can get someone else if you need to -”

“I’m good Cap. Really, I’m fine.” you interrupted, sitting up and flashing a fake smile. 

He smirked a little. “There you are.”

Bucky was a little less convinced. “You sure you’re -”

At that moment Sam burst in and sat down. Steve perked up. “Finally. Alright, everyone’s here, let’s start.”

You caught the first few things that Steve said but began to zone out. You couldn’t focus. You kept your eyes on the files in front of you, but it looked like an entirely different language to you. You pretended to read but your eyes just glossed over the pages and pictures. All you knew was it was a HYDRA base you were going to. But that was a given.

Bucky shook you out of your trance, only for you to realize everyone else had left. You looked at him and he furrowed his brows together. “You sure you’re alright? You totally spaced out.”

You laughed. “Yeah, I’m good, sorry. Just tired I guess!” you said lightly, hoping he didn’t hear the nerves in your voice. You stood up and your vision went black for a few moments, so you leaned on the chair with one hand. 

Bucky was by your side in an instant. “I don’t think you’re fine. What’s going on?”

You shooed him off of you and flashed him another bright (fake) smile. “It happens all the time, I swear. It’s fine.” and before Bucky could protest you walked away to get ready to leave. 

You knew you should eat something. You’d only kept down a few apples in the past few days. But you were doing so well, and you didn’t have time to purge should you eat too much. You felt like you were about to pass out though…..

No

You shook the thought out of your head. You had gone longer on less food doing more exercise before. You would be fine.

You put on your uniform and went to the roof to get into the quinjet. Bucky was there as well, Steve up at the front getting ready to pilot. Once again, you were waiting for Sam. no surprise there.

You flashed a small smile to Bucky, and he gave you one back, but you could see the concern on his face. Silence was all there was aside from Steve up at the front. After a few awkward minutes, Sam came jogging in, and with that, you were off. 

“Shouldn’t take too long,” Steve called from the front. “It should just be a small base.”

*skip to the battlefield*

Boy, was Steve wrong. 

You hadn’t known what to expect, but from what Steve said (and how everyone was fighting), it was well over double what they had anticipated. You were with Bucky and Sam was with Steve, everyone fighting HYDRA agents on all fronts. Luckily, they were taking all of the hits. For now. 

As you were fighting, stars swam through your vision. You kept shaking your head trying to reorient yourself, but you were starting to get nervous. Your offensive and defensive moves were both delayed and weaker than usual. Bucky was covering your ass and both of you knew it. 

When all fronts were secured Bucky turned to you, slightly angry but also concerned. “What the hell is going on with you?”

You were panting and your heart was racing. Widened your stance nonchalantly to try and regain some balance, and placed your hands on your hips. “I don’t know…..What you mean…” you said between breaths. 

“You could’ve gotten us both killed! You’re lucky we didn’t all split up y/n. I don’t know what’s gotten into you!” 

You swallowed thickly and blinked back the tears. You tried to speak again, but your mouth went dry and you couldn’t speak. You saw Bucky’s eyes widen as he saw your face go white. He reached his arms out just in time as your knees gave out and you were unconscious.

He didn’t hesitate to pick you up and carry you back to the quinjet. Over the coms, he said “Something’s wrong with y/n. I’m bringing her back to the quinjet.”

Steve immediately asked, “What the hell happened?”

“I don’t know but she’s unconscious.”

A pause.

“Stay with her, Sam and I will finish this.”

Bucky laid you down across a few seats and scanned your body for injuries. Maybe a HYDRA agent had sliced you somewhere he hadn’t seen. But he found nothing and didn’t know what to think. No injuries, just a racing heartbeat, a white face, and shallow breathing.

And he was fucking terrified.

He’d never said anything, but the super-soldier had quite the feelings for you. He was always too shy, feeling damaged, and like he didn’t deserve you. He didn’t want to hurt you but what he didn’t realize was you were hurting yourself more than he ever could. 

And he still didn’t know. 

You came to after a few minutes, disoriented. You looked around and your eyes fell on Bucky, who sighed in relief. You tried to sit up but Bucky gently but firmly pushed you back down.

“What happened?” you asked groggily

“You passed out y/n.” he deadpanned

Your eyes widened. Shit…

“Does that also happen ‘all the time?’ Or is there something else going on?” he asked firmly, still worried about you but you mistook it for anger.

You felt tears prick your eyes and your face heated up with shame and embarrassment. You put a hand over your face, hiding your eyes. “I’m fine, Buck,” you said, but your voice cracked and you knew you didn’t sound convincing at all. 

“To hell you are! What the fuck is going on with you?” he nearly yelled, causing you to flinch. Bucky softened a little, and you started letting out small sobs, shoulders shaking. Bucky helped you sit up and pulled you into an embrace, hushing you and rubbing your back. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” you kept mumbling and Bucky just held you tighter. 

He was terrified. He had a feeling that something was wrong but he didn’t know it was something this bad. He didn’t even know what was wrong yet. “Please, y/n. Tell me what’s wrong. I just wanna help you.”

You shrugged. “No one can help me anymore.”

Bucky stiffened at your words, oh too familiar to his own thinking. But what could possibly have you feeling that way? You were the kindest person he had ever met. What could have you feeling so down? “Please tell me what’s going on y/n.”

You opened and closed your mouth a few times, unable to find the words to say. “I just...Sometimes I….and it’s just hard…..I don’t know what…” you exhaled, unable to form a coherent thought. After taking a few deep breaths, you closed your eyes and tried again. “I throw up sometimes.”

Bucky pulled back and looked you in the eyes with concern. “Are you sick? Why didn’t you say something, we could have brought you to medical -”

“It’s not like that Buck.” you cut him off and looked to the side. “Not exactly.”

He furrowed his brows and cocked his head. Why would you be throwing up if you weren’t sick?

You took another deep breath. “It’s a long story, and it’s depressing and I’m sorry. It’s just...I hate myself and I just need to lose weight and I’ve done this my whole life and I try to be healthy and sometimes I don’t eat for days and then I eat and I can’t stop and then I hate myself more and then I just need to get rid of it and I throw up and I can’t stop and ithurtstobadijustneedittostop-”

“Hey hey, breath…” Bucky said as he pulled you in, and you realized how you were hyperventilating. You tried to calm down and focus on Bucky’s heartbeat, trying to follow his forced deep breathing patterns. After a few minutes you felt yourself calming down. Still locked in his embrace, Bucky began to ask questions softly.

“How long has this been going on?”

“Since I was a teenager.”

“Why did it start?”

“‘Dunno.”

Some silence passed between you. 

“When was the last time you ate?”

Silence. 

You sighed. “Technically a few hours ago, but I didn’t keep it down.” you said softly. “Before that an apple a couple days ago.”

You felt him inhale sharply and swallow, wrapping his hands around you a little tighter. “Y/n…”

“I know, I try to stop I really do but it’s so hard.” you said, voice cracking and fresh tears filling your eyes. 

More silence passed between the two of you. Eventually Bucky took a deep breath before asking, “Can I try and help you?”

You let out a dry laugh. “I’ve tried getting help for years Buck… It never really sticks. It never gets better. I stopped hoping that it would.”

Bucky’s heart shattered. He’d never seen you so defeated before. And it scared him how much you sounded like his own thoughts surrounding his nightmares. “It can always get better doll. Please don’t stop trying. Please, let me help you. Talk to me, talk to any of us...But you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You passed out y/n, and it could get a lot worse...I can’t watch you do that to yourself. I care to much about you. We all do.”

You looked up at him. “You sure you wanna get involved in this? I don’t want to disappoint you.”

He smiled back at you. “You could never disappoint me with this. You’re trying your best, that’s all I can ask for.”

You smiled a little, still skeptical but nodded anyways. Maybe he really could help you. Maybe things could get better. 

And it was hard. There were days you slipped up, days you broke dishes, snapped at Bucky, locked yourself in your room, and found yourself bent over the toilet again. But there were also days that you couldn’t stop laughing, you enjoyed movie nights with the team, and family dinners weren’t so hard. It was a long journey, but that was exactly it - there wasn’t a destination. It was all a process. One that you had help with now. And you wouldn’t trade that for anything.

[nightlywxnders]

update

currently bmi 13.6 lol and going down

basically on a mission to lose as much as I can before being admitted to inpatient

and then I am fucking done with this shit

anorexia, bulimia etc. have ruined my life

I had to drop out of medical school for this academic year

currently am struggling so much. barely able to shower. compulsively doing 25k+ steps a day but like I can also barely open doors or walk up stairs because I am so weak.

this is not glamourous. skinny is not worth it. I have no friends. I have no life, my entire life is literally starving and walking.

I want my life back.

I want to be normal. like proper normal. I want to cope with my anxiety and depression without using food or my body.

so yeah

going to make the most of inpatient. will be giving up my Apple Watch so no exercise, not until I am in a healthier mainframe and body. no using ED behaviours, gonna talk honestly when I struggle with staff and just fucking work on myself. I will heal.

it is gonna be so hard. I know I will hate being 'not skinny'. but I have learnt that when you have an eating disorder, you can't do weight loss in 'moderation'. it always ends up taking over ur life.

I can't wait to be able to listen to my body, eat whenever I want, exercise for FUN, wear nice clothes, say yes to spontaneous cake and drink oat milk in my coffee, have the energy to wake up and do yoga and meditate and eat nourishing food, HAVE A FUCKING SOCIAL LIFE

this is my last post here, just thought I would update. I know that no one cares but if anyone sees this and thinks getting to a low weight will make u happy, please listen to me when I say it won't. it strips you of ur whole life. I wish I started recovering when I was struggling with binge eating, binging and purging, I wish I didn't convince myself that starving would make me happy. it is not true happiness, that moment of joy when you see the scale go down; true happiness is being part of normal life, true happiness is having a normal healthy body, true happiness is being able to manage ur mental health without abusing your body.

lots of love, please choose recovery.