#I just wanna be able to function
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Me when I burn myself out on writing once again after promising another fic 🫠
#vent#vent in tags#sorry#I sure wish doing the one thing I consider myself good at didn’t drain my energy and make me like my hyperfixation less#I honestly don’t even know if I’m actually good at it anymore. like I legitimately cannot tell#I have no sense of the quality of my writing anymore#like jesus christ I just wanna be creative but it feels like I’m drowning in incomprehensible words when I write#there are almost NO Copia fics that suit my taste so I’ve been trying to write them myself#so far I’ve only succeeded in writing one full fic; a couple blurbs; several WIPs; and making myself suicidal 👍🏻#why is being creative so draining#I just wanna be able to function#I wanna be able to bring life to the characters I love#but autistic burnout is just suffocating me#I feel like I’m actively getting dumber#and worse at writing#like the words I need are playing tag with me and I’m it#I’m so detached from the creative process that- on top of not being able to enjoy it- I can’t tell if I’m even making sense#vpyre’s verbosity#writing woes
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North and Simon: (shaking hands on killing Simon potentially)
#detroit become human#north wr400#simon pl600#markus rk200#josh pj500#jericho is just... so funny to me as like. how they function (or dont)#like im v glad that i did a Good Job my first run and no one hated me but i also felt like a very distraught parent#in regards to how markus is just able to either hurt them (by suggestions OF THE OTHERS IN THE GROUP)#or help them because hey what the fuck i just dragged simon to safety and now north wants me to kill him#and then simon like oh no north got shot you should leave her BUT ! i saved her and made simon happy#so its like you know what they have to have some animosity but also respect#i feel like i wanna see more of north and simon being buddies ... and i might have to do that myself#but i also apologize if this is ooc for them because i really did only just play through once and got a not good end#i probably missed a lot of lore and stuff so im v sorry if im Messing Them Up#its currently just me liking their designs and vibes and hoping im not ruining other fans lives by being wrong#and i honestly dont know when north would kill simon but hes on her possible victims list#so since both of their victim lists include themselves for suicide it just reminded me of the meme#with im so mad im gonna (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health)#and it was like yeah watch north be like im gonna (well if i cant kill myself because markus said no suicide) murder someone
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teen wolf meme: [6/6] creatures -> ghost riders
In storm clouds just like these, phantom hunters would appear, riding black horses with blood-red eyes, and wolves and hounds at their side, baying and snarling. What were they hunting? Souls.
#teen wolf#ghost riders#twedit#twgifs#mine#my gifs#twmeme#THE LAST CREATURE LETSGOOO#i love their silly little western outfits that make zero sense#noshiko said they've been hunting since before she was born and she's around 900 years old#meaning like they've been around since before 1100 AT LEAST#did they see the wild west and all get so obsessed they had to change their uniform#jeff tell me i wanna know#anyways i think the way the show changed the ghost riders and the wild hunt in general is soooooo good#like erasing the people whose souls get taken is god tier like it's insanity inducing#and the way it only appears to erase people on the humane plane is also amazing#like theo not being affected by stiles being erased and being the only person to actually have memories of him and not just a vague feeling#all because he was in the skinwalker prison when it happened makes me wanna start biting#and the way in general that the structure of the wild hunt is set up in a way that makes it feel like them grabbing supernatural creatures#is almost a mistake#like the ghost riders only function of the humane plane and within the wild hunt it's as if the existence of other supernaturals doesn't#matter to them#obviously there's the whole banshee ghost rider thing the show explores with lydia#(which might i add is something jeff and the writers created i haven't been able to find any sources that talk about both working in#conjunction with each other)#but also the fact that werewolves can leave and enter the wild hunt at will but humans can't#like when that kid peter and stiles met tries to escape he's literally catapulted back but when peter does it he goes through albeit burned#and liam is able to enter the hunt on a horse he stole from a rider#it also makes me sooooo insane that the only way for humans to break through the hunt is through emotional connections#which is part of the overall theme of the show like the brutish force of the supernatural vs the enduring love of humanity
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HEY I’m also doing artfight for the first time this year, probably gonna add one or two more characters in the coming week, but I’m excited to try this out!!
Here I am!!
#artfight 2024#cannot guarantee how much of this I’ll be able to do#but I wanna try!! even if I’m mostly attacking friends lol#i have no fucking idea how the search function works on this site#so if you follow me I’ll just follow you back right away so I can grab you and ur ocs#crumpled dark
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contacting another place to get tested for adhd, lets see if this will actually get me anywhere or will just be another waste of time, that ill have to then spend forever trying to get myself to get past my executive dysfunction AGAIN to contact another place AGAIN !!!!!!!!
#trying to get an official diagnosis for adhd makes me wanna tear my hair out#like please.... i just want to be able to function finally....
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every day i struggle to make choices
#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind#mostly because options suck#i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician#cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert#i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually#working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term#surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time#which is what limits most of my choices#i need to find more paid training programs i guess#if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself#but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late#i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly#acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying#it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics#but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever#i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training#because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for#and again#a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing#if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it#thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different#id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people#im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port#they were able to run like seven tests off of it#i had to use a couple ped tubes#she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier#labs are so miserable#checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world
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Me: *watching entry 84 of marble hornets bc I'm interested in animating it at some point* :3
Brian: *appears*
Me, instincively:
#guys i tink i have a problem#marble hornets#brian thomas#I REALLY DO WANNA ANIMATE THIS ENTRY BUT MY ADHD TAKES OVER SO BAD WHEN I SEE BRIAN I JUST EXPLODE /POS#idk if i lll be able to function if i try animating it but i really wanna#😭😭😭
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the only half way safe space to be a lesbian is online and literally y’all fucking suck too, i am so depressed
#castdowns.txt#i hate conversion therapy i don’t want to be straight i don’t want to like men i don’t like them i don’t care for them#i am so tired of feeling like the most hideous creature because everything changes when people find out that i’m gay#like i’m either a little boy or a problem and i am so fucking sad#like sorry you can’t fix me but literally i will not be able to function if i concede more ground to men and patriarchy like i am so tired#i wanna lock myself in my room a lot of the time like i don’t feel good ever#and yes my period is coming but god dammit thats not the only thing wrong#its never the only thing wrong unfortunately i just have very strong emotions that i try to suppress all of the time#yes my fawn response is bad i know this i dont know what to do about the fact that there is nothing people organically like about me#everyone has to train themselves to tolerate me and i am not above working to be loved but it doesnt feel like work towards the love i want#it feels like tying a noose tighter and tighter#it feels like smiling while my blood is pooling down the fucking drain again and again#and i love people around me i do it just always feels like i am alone#i sleep under the flag and i sleep in my bed alone every night surrounded by the stuffed animals i buy to feel something#*jo march voice* i’m just so damn lonely
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...
#that's me in the corner. thats me in the spotlight crying into a PowerPoint#idk y its so hard for me to function rn#hopefully its over after today. ive just been so weepy. lots of crying at work and then leaving bc i dont wanna be seen crying at work#its so annoying. id like to b able to function again. get more than one thing done#i used to be an overproductive freak. what happened to that person? i think they died. i think i smothered them to death#and now im here with an empty head#unrelated
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I was so concerned with the horrors of making a doctor's appointment and the horrors of finding a job that i completely forgot about the worst horrors of them all. Finding an apartment.
#i just realized that yesterday#after my appointment#and now my rest of my time off is ruined#because i have to find a place to stay and the chances are low that I'll find something okay#the student dorm apartment was the hight of luxury (pretty new. good stove. good bathroom. hot water....)#now I'm most likely going back to broken showers‚ old almost unusable stove‚ hot water every once in a blue moon‚ no room to move#ugly depressing dirty#my dream is unattainable i know#i don't even want more than one room (even though in the long run i would love to have an apartment with a kitchen in a separate room)#but i would love to have an oven#i know it's too much too ask and i should be happy if i have a functional stove#also a bathroom that doesn't look and behave like it's 100 years old and is fully functional would be so nice#and my actual most important concern is having enough space to work out#it doesn't need to be much. i just wanna be able to move freely enough so i don't have to worry about bumping into anything#when doing burpees and whatnot#but I'll take what i can get#if have no choice#i can't commute. the train connections are too bad.#alright#I'll message some people now and get rejection after rejection after rejection 🥲#void screams
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its been like 4 months since I’ve been able to get a full nights sleep im sooooo fine
#don’t mind me just whining again#I think I have gotten. 3 full nights of sleep since late July. yayyyyyyyyyyy (DIES)#and I was already constantly tired when I wasn’t waking up two times a night!!!! aaaaaaaauaughhhh#doctor oh doctor I have been so tired its been affecting my every day life. please help me#‘have you tried listening to bedtime stories’ EXCELLENT FUCKING IDEA !!!!👏👏👏👏👏👏👏#THE CURE TO BEING CONSTANTLY FATIGUED IS TO SLEEP. WHY DIDNT I THINK OF THAT!!!!#i genuinely don’t know how I am remotely functioning anymore I am so tired all the time#I’m always tired and almost fainted last week just because I was standing for a biiiit too long!#so I’m fucked right? I have absolutely no hope of doing anything?#because. genuinely. what job will I ever be able to get when I feel half dead all the time and I can’t stand up for too long without faintin#ouuuuhhhhjjhhhhhgggg goodnight I don’t wanna think about any of that rn
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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)
#ctxt#i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections#to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh#going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long#while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time#but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed#to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach#and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me#and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually#i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever#i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it#money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out#but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now#genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year#and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough#to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last#in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was#bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive#and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there#but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety#it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it#i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults#i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed#instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things#and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need#chronic blogging
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1 week until im FINALLY getting tested for adhd..... time is moving agonizingly slow ;_;
#even then ill still need to wait afterward for the results. UGHHH#and then wait until (hopefully) im prescribed something#and then wait until that starts kicking in (then potentially wait more to try different medicines if that one doesnt work)#hhhhnnnnnnnnn#i just want to be able to function already#i just wanna be able to just get up and Do Things. thats all i want
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it happened so early in the morning and i am STILL frothing with rage over this text my boss sent me
#unreasonable unbelievable targeting me bullshit like what is your problem what is your PROBLEM#are you punishing me preemptively for telling you i'm going back to school? LOL? cuz sure That makes me wanna stay!#i am splitting so viciously on her right now and i can't even care to wish i wasn't#this was the last fucking straw mentally for me on Trusting This Boss#and i sure as shit can't trust the one above her#i am soooo mad i am so mad i am so mad i am so mad#i just want to be transferred out already and start part time work somewhere else NOW#if i can leave earlier i fucking will#i will be without insurance for a bit but i can try to get on some fast#i just. ooh! ooooh!!!! you little fucker!!!!!!!!#i cannot trust a single person in the front of the building anymore#and i have to sit next to my least favorite person in the back now#and i am just. utterly miserable right now i am Miserable at this job that isn't even as bad as it could be#but holy shit the petty condescending bullshit is driving me fucking up the wall#i can't look at any of them!!!! without feeling intense hatred!!!!#i have no social life outside of work and i can't talk to ANYONE there about this because it'd just find its way back to her!!!!#i can't tell HR because it's not that serious! except it's driving my mental health into a tailspin!#but i still can't tell anyone!!!!!!!! because what proof do i have that she's singling me out!#even tho she has NEVER FUCKING DONE THIS TO OR ABOUT OTHER PPL#i can't Prove that and i sure as shit can't sit down with her and talk to her about my feelings#no job is ever fucking safe to do that in#i just want to walk into a river honestly like i need work so i can pay for college but i wanna be in college already and be Out of here#i just wanna skip to the END of college when i'm actually able to be a nurse and i can feel less like the butt monkey at work#i hate hate HATE being at the bottom of the totem pole i am literally nothing there even though they need me to function#but oh my gd the Looks people give me when i walk in a room like they expect bad news or to be annoyed#sorry for asking questions! would you rather i fuck up and you have to clean up the mess?#i clean up everyone else's messes all day!#they ARE going to feel it when i am not there anymore#you'd think they wouldn't be such cunts to me now but Nope. nope! almost All cunts.#i am so fucking angry at my boss in particular though that text fucking triggered rage i haven't felt in months
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did 악어 stream today? i went to afreeca and nothing new’s showing up but i saw some liveblogging .-.
#i feel dumb i just wanna watch my guy#qsmp acau#악어#qsmp#acau#i was only able to watch his prev qsmp vid on youtube so ig he deletes some of them from afreeca?#i feel like i’m missing an important function of how afreeca works but idk what lol
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hey if i ask so niceys do you think bill would let me be co-host at Least . <== talking out loud to myself
#HE'S BEEN SLEEPING FOR LIKE A WEEK STRAIGHT UP FRONT AND THIS IS A SIGN OF A HYPERFIXATION SWITCH ON TOP OF... OTHER THINGS.#and I'm like ówò;; i dont wanna be HOST!!!!!!!!!!! but i like having say in things heheh so‚#i tried ti manually switch it like a couple irl nights ago and He nearly shot me in the fucking head about it. so ummmmmmmmmm#and i know the ins and outs of how we function already i can do the thing!! but also doing the thing puts me at risk of becoming HOST host &#I don't want that!!!#it's such a balancing act here thiugh goddds we're exhausted of this shit. we'd like to have a stable roster for at least a year again#🙄 ohwell.#besides if it switches that's sooooooooooooooooooo fucked for us man i dont want THAT asshole in here.#and i dont think we can really function with just... 5 people* at Least on a daily basis#(*we have two mes! I'm a subsystem)#we REALLY wouldn't be able to function if it'd just be me & 🌦️ here I'm assuming if it switches that we'd form the other two down the line.#ANYWAY!!!! it's a mess!!! bfbfbsjdjsjsjfjdjsdjfjxjxncj#but no one's in danger of dormancy yet bill's just TIRED!!!!!! which is worrying. ohwell!!!!!!!!! we'll figure it out#we kinda have to!#pk;m curly🩹
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