#I just wanna be able to function | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

vpyre · 2 months

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Me when I burn myself out on writing once again after promising another fic 🫠

#vent #vent in tags #sorry #I sure wish doing the one thing I consider myself good at didn’t drain my energy and make me like my hyperfixation less #I honestly don’t even know if I’m actually good at it anymore. like I legitimately cannot tell #I have no sense of the quality of my writing anymore #like jesus christ I just wanna be creative but it feels like I’m drowning in incomprehensible words when I write #there are almost NO Copia fics that suit my taste so I’ve been trying to write them myself #so far I’ve only succeeded in writing one full fic; a couple blurbs; several WIPs; and making myself suicidal 👍🏻#why is being creative so draining #I just wanna be able to function #I wanna be able to bring life to the characters I love #but autistic burnout is just suffocating me #I feel like I’m actively getting dumber #and worse at writing #like the words I need are playing tag with me and I’m it #I’m so detached from the creative process that- on top of not being able to enjoy it- I can’t tell if I’m even making sense #vpyre’s verbosity #writing woes

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moeblob · 4 days

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North and Simon: (shaking hands on killing Simon potentially)

#detroit become human #north wr400 #simon pl600 #markus rk200 #josh pj500 #jericho is just... so funny to me as like. how they function (or dont)#like im v glad that i did a Good Job my first run and no one hated me but i also felt like a very distraught parent #in regards to how markus is just able to either hurt them (by suggestions OF THE OTHERS IN THE GROUP)#or help them because hey what the fuck i just dragged simon to safety and now north wants me to kill him #and then simon like oh no north got shot you should leave her BUT ! i saved her and made simon happy #so its like you know what they have to have some animosity but also respect #i feel like i wanna see more of north and simon being buddies ... and i might have to do that myself #but i also apologize if this is ooc for them because i really did only just play through once and got a not good end #i probably missed a lot of lore and stuff so im v sorry if im Messing Them Up #its currently just me liking their designs and vibes and hoping im not ruining other fans lives by being wrong #and i honestly dont know when north would kill simon but hes on her possible victims list #so since both of their victim lists include themselves for suicide it just reminded me of the meme #with im so mad im gonna (remembers suicide jokes are bad for my mental health)#and it was like yeah watch north be like im gonna (well if i cant kill myself because markus said no suicide) murder someone

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blackhholes · 18 days

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teen wolf meme: [6/6] creatures -> ghost riders

In storm clouds just like these, phantom hunters would appear, riding black horses with blood-red eyes, and wolves and hounds at their side, baying and snarling. What were they hunting? Souls.

#teen wolf #ghost riders #twedit #twgifs #mine #my gifs #twmeme #THE LAST CREATURE LETSGOOO #i love their silly little western outfits that make zero sense #noshiko said they've been hunting since before she was born and she's around 900 years old #meaning like they've been around since before 1100 AT LEAST #did they see the wild west and all get so obsessed they had to change their uniform #jeff tell me i wanna know #anyways i think the way the show changed the ghost riders and the wild hunt in general is soooooo good #like erasing the people whose souls get taken is god tier like it's insanity inducing #and the way it only appears to erase people on the humane plane is also amazing #like theo not being affected by stiles being erased and being the only person to actually have memories of him and not just a vague feeling #all because he was in the skinwalker prison when it happened makes me wanna start biting #and the way in general that the structure of the wild hunt is set up in a way that makes it feel like them grabbing supernatural creatures #is almost a mistake #like the ghost riders only function of the humane plane and within the wild hunt it's as if the existence of other supernaturals doesn't #matter to them #obviously there's the whole banshee ghost rider thing the show explores with lydia #(which might i add is something jeff and the writers created i haven't been able to find any sources that talk about both working in #conjunction with each other)#but also the fact that werewolves can leave and enter the wild hunt at will but humans can't #like when that kid peter and stiles met tries to escape he's literally catapulted back but when peter does it he goes through albeit burned #and liam is able to enter the hunt on a horse he stole from a rider #it also makes me sooooo insane that the only way for humans to break through the hunt is through emotional connections #which is part of the overall theme of the show like the brutish force of the supernatural vs the enduring love of humanity

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bunnihearted · 8 days

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being too weird and unlikable and off putting and always being shunned and turned into an outcast everywhere i go and not having felt the connection and healing friendship has on you for so many years has really done a number on me

#irl mostly. but even online. i cannot connect or find communities or support systems the way most of u can #even if i do have found great connections and one connection in particular im more than grateful for #but i have had so much of my humanness torn off for so long that i am awkward and useless in handling it #but yeah idk :/ im just so profoundly jealous of how everyone can just fit into a slot #even online when ppl talk abt being anxious and stuff they still have ppl to talk to #or ppl irl to hang out with and im like.. wow... i cant even do that :/#it is just so lonely in general. and it has made me confused and incapable of knowing how to be a human #and fully realise and actualize the one connection i do have #if i had gotten to learn and now know how to be a human and a person i would've... been a person #but now i feel so removed and far away from that idek how...#like im at a point where i cant even have simple and shallow conversations online bc im like so useless #maybe only other ppl with avpd and who have been socially rejected and isolated and alienated can fully understand what i mean #it is so scary and weird and i feel such deep envy for how people can just like... talk to eo. irl and online. i dont get it #and like the connection i do have that i mention bc it is so important to me.. that does all of those things #but it is like im so not used to anyone even keep wanting to have a connection with me #that i feel like bambi on ice 💀 for lack of a better metaphor #and inside of me idk how to dare to open up to it bc i've been numb and shut off i just dont know #i dont know. but i want to but idk how.#ahhhhhh wanna scream bc just trying to describe it so i can make sense of it is frustrating!!!!#it also sucks bc other ppl really dont seem to get how fkn weird and scary it is to feel so removed from humanness #and not even be able to do most basic human people things most ppl who are mentally ill or anxious do.. i cant even do that idk #talking and communicating is the main thing like ppl do not understand how fkn hard it is for me to even have a simple convo #and i cant explain it bc theres no way someone who doesnt feel the same and have avpd could get it...#but idk. i just hate all of this and i wish i had a normal functioning brain. i just wanna be like everyone else #even ppl w social anxiety are capable of having friends. and im terrified of losing the only connection i've somehow been lucky to get #in my hands??? im so scared of losing that but idk HOW to be a person and idk!!! idk!!#other ppl dont even think abt these things im so fkn jealous lmao #anyway whatever 😔

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skelelephant · 3 months

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HEY I’m also doing artfight for the first time this year, probably gonna add one or two more characters in the coming week, but I’m excited to try this out!!

Here I am!!

#artfight 2024 #cannot guarantee how much of this I’ll be able to do #but I wanna try!! even if I’m mostly attacking friends lol #i have no fucking idea how the search function works on this site #so if you follow me I’ll just follow you back right away so I can grab you and ur ocs #crumpled dark

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knifekris · 1 month

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every day i struggle to make choices

#i should invest into some kind of education but cant make up my mind #mostly because options suck #i cant do trades unless my body sucks less which is sad because id love to be an electrician #cant even think about getting a pilots license cuz im not passing the med cert #i think id rather die than be a med assistant actually #working clinics at all makes me nervous tbh but probably where im headed in the short term #surgical tech would be cool but i cant do a Real program while working full-time #which is what limits most of my choices #i need to find more paid training programs i guess #if i had to pick a miserable but fulfilling job id go into education itself #but the teaching profession has always been in a downward spiral esp as of late #i dont want healthcare because i hate seeing dysfunctional glorified murder machines grinding around and around endlessly #acute care sucks id rather be in an icu for function but then im depressed because our patients are always dying #it was better as a phleb but this hospital doesnt have phleb and like i said im nervous about clinics #but i need to fucking commit to outpatient phlebotomy i think :/#the most fun ive had at a job ever #i wish i had more widely applicable skills but i cant be an emt/para even just for the training #because half of it is unpaid and the other half you pay for #and again #a job NOTORIOUS for being exhausting dangerous and traumatizing #if i was 17 again and wasnt escaping the tar pit of my mother id go for an english degree and i wouldnt even regret it #thinking about school in terms of a job i have to have forever vs for the sake of learning is so different #id like to know everything. i wanna read and write forever. and do research and have real technical skills that help people #im still riding off of the high of getting 5 ccs off of an oncology patient who desperately needed a port #they were able to run like seven tests off of it #i had to use a couple ped tubes #she only had to get poked Once and barely noticed it bc the doc team came in and im so happy i made her admission that muvh easier #labs are so miserable #checking back on the blood and seeing all of the results came through made me more pleased than anything else in the world

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kanditvofficial · 10 months

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Me: *watching entry 84 of marble hornets bc I'm interested in animating it at some point* :3

Brian: *appears*

Me, instincively:

#guys i tink i have a problem #marble hornets #brian thomas #I REALLY DO WANNA ANIMATE THIS ENTRY BUT MY ADHD TAKES OVER SO BAD WHEN I SEE BRIAN I JUST EXPLODE /POS #idk if i lll be able to function if i try animating it but i really wanna #😭😭😭

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castdowns · 5 months

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the only half way safe space to be a lesbian is online and literally y’all fucking suck too, i am so depressed

#castdowns.txt #i hate conversion therapy i don’t want to be straight i don’t want to like men i don’t like them i don’t care for them #i am so tired of feeling like the most hideous creature because everything changes when people find out that i’m gay #like i’m either a little boy or a problem and i am so fucking sad #like sorry you can’t fix me but literally i will not be able to function if i concede more ground to men and patriarchy like i am so tired #i wanna lock myself in my room a lot of the time like i don’t feel good ever #and yes my period is coming but god dammit thats not the only thing wrong #its never the only thing wrong unfortunately i just have very strong emotions that i try to suppress all of the time #yes my fawn response is bad i know this i dont know what to do about the fact that there is nothing people organically like about me #everyone has to train themselves to tolerate me and i am not above working to be loved but it doesnt feel like work towards the love i want #it feels like tying a noose tighter and tighter #it feels like smiling while my blood is pooling down the fucking drain again and again #and i love people around me i do it just always feels like i am alone #i sleep under the flag and i sleep in my bed alone every night surrounded by the stuffed animals i buy to feel something #*jo march voice* i’m just so damn lonely

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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months

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...

#that's me in the corner. thats me in the spotlight crying into a PowerPoint #idk y its so hard for me to function rn #hopefully its over after today. ive just been so weepy. lots of crying at work and then leaving bc i dont wanna be seen crying at work #its so annoying. id like to b able to function again. get more than one thing done #i used to be an overproductive freak. what happened to that person? i think they died. i think i smothered them to death #and now im here with an empty head #unrelated

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tardis--dreams · 8 months

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I was so concerned with the horrors of making a doctor's appointment and the horrors of finding a job that i completely forgot about the worst horrors of them all. Finding an apartment.

#i just realized that yesterday #after my appointment #and now my rest of my time off is ruined #because i have to find a place to stay and the chances are low that I'll find something okay #the student dorm apartment was the hight of luxury (pretty new. good stove. good bathroom. hot water....)#now I'm most likely going back to broken showers‚ old almost unusable stove‚ hot water every once in a blue moon‚ no room to move #ugly depressing dirty #my dream is unattainable i know #i don't even want more than one room (even though in the long run i would love to have an apartment with a kitchen in a separate room)#but i would love to have an oven #i know it's too much too ask and i should be happy if i have a functional stove #also a bathroom that doesn't look and behave like it's 100 years old and is fully functional would be so nice #and my actual most important concern is having enough space to work out #it doesn't need to be much. i just wanna be able to move freely enough so i don't have to worry about bumping into anything #when doing burpees and whatnot #but I'll take what i can get #if have no choice #i can't commute. the train connections are too bad.#alright #I'll message some people now and get rejection after rejection after rejection 🥲#void screams

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dreamlogic · 7 months

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2024 year of charlie gets a fucking break (hopefully. maybe. tbd.)

#ctxt #i'm on medication that's reduced my post-hysterectomy pain by about 70%#i have an intake appointment with a physical therapist in march & a referral to start trigger point injections #to hopefully finally recover as completely as possible from the nightmarish neuropathy that's plagued me since uuuhhhh #going on 2 years ago. holy shit. genuinely can't believe i've been surviving & functioning as well as i have for this long #while suffering a disabling & extremely painful surgical complication. fuck my original surgeon for brushing me off during that time #but the new provider i'm working with is so responsive & thorough in her approach & seems genuinely committed #to helping me finally get relief after all this time. she listens to my feedback & is flexible in her approach #and her assistant is a great communicator who's been handling most of the logistics of care coordination for me #and what a huge fucking relief that is. to not have to drag my doctors kicking & screaming towards maybe treating me eventually #i wanna cry. i finally feel like i'm being taken seriously and cared for. and i'm not BETTER yet (might never be the same as i was pre-op)#but i actually feel optimistic for the first time in over a year that i won't just have to deal with this agonizing pain on my own forever #i might actually see enough improvement that i can start to get back to living my life instead of just surviving it #money is tighter than it's been since i got laid off during early pandemic and that's stressing me out #but i promised myself that i would put my health first in 2024 and that means only working the bare minimum needed to pay my bills for now #genuinely i so fucking needed a break. i felt like i was trying to swim through a meat grinder last year #and it wasn't until i ended up in the ER about it that i finally was able to take my own pain seriously enough #to put my foot down & make some necessary changes that are now letting me focus on Getting Well With Myself at last #in hindsight it's like. really freaking me out how thoroughly i was able to compartmentalize & dissociate from how miserable i was #bc nobody who had the ability to help me would take me seriously & my shitty boss was like. extremely textbook emotionally abusive #and on one hand that was a survival mechanism that kept me on my feet during one of the worst times of my life. so props to myself there #but it was also very maladaptive how long & unnecessarily it went on before i snapped out of it & escalated things for my own safety #it was the same helpless frustration i often felt as a kid of like 'well nobody is on my side but me so i gotta suck it up & help myself'#and i think the family trauma shit that was going on last year definitely contributed to that. idk sense of doubling across time?#and things had to get Extremely Bad before they were bad enough for me to realize that although i felt like it #i am no longer an isolated & parentified island of a child who is beholden to the whims of ignorant & indifferent adults #i actually can and should take action to advocate for myself bc i am an adult and i CAN now change my circumstances as needed #instead of just enduring them as if i'm stuck there with no agency or chance to change things #and i have a really solid support system who helped me feel like it was possible to stand up for myself to get the help i desperately need #chronic blogging

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death-himself · 7 months

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did 악어 stream today? i went to afreeca and nothing new’s showing up but i saw some liveblogging .-.

#i feel dumb i just wanna watch my guy #qsmp acau #악어 #qsmp #acau #i was only able to watch his prev qsmp vid on youtube so ig he deletes some of them from afreeca?#i feel like i’m missing an important function of how afreeca works but idk what lol

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bunnihearted · 5 months

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☁️🌷

#ugh im so anxious and like i think i have more pains bc of it #i overslept bc ever since i got a new phone my alarm is so quiet i never wake up?? this is the third time this happens for this class #but i cant miss more bc if i have more than three weeks absence they'll fail me :< so i hurried and walked to school #i wish i had a bus pass T-T since they introduced civilian clothed controllants i havent dared taking the bus at all i dont wanna get a fine #so yes anyway. on top of that im pretty sure my sister stole my keys. bc they were in my jacket pocket yesterday and today they werent there #and she left somewhere earlier this morning. so now im anxious abt not knowing where they are + will i get inside?? my mom wakes up late af #ummm what else???? idk im just so stressed. i got to class and have been here for 40min now and the teacher left for lunch #i'll leave now bc i cant focus enough to sit here more. my tooth aches too :((#i just wanna cry tbh #the entire way here i was like i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die #i feel so awful.. and stupd and worthless. why am i incapable of getting a job? or even studying at university? im so bad at everything #im like an anxious wreck who can barely function. everything hurts both physically and emotionally #i dont even wanna walk home im just sitting in my empty classroom bc i dont wanna kove #move*#what's wrong with me? how did i turn into this? i miss school. like i miss being able to actually do my work and talk to the teachers etc #im only a shell of what i used to be. and im scared i'll never be anything other than this :((((#well i gotta move ig bc the sooner i do the sooner i can get home and lie in my bed & cry over how useless i am :3

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ladytemeraire · 8 months

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I have just enough post nasal drip from something (dry air? allergies? minor cold???) that it's irritating the back of my throat, but not enough that it's actually congesting me enough to blow my nose or hack it back up

It's not making me cough or even sniff, just annoying the heck out of me, and I'm super over it

#life with ladytemeraire #also it makes me SOUND super ill even though I'm able to function just fine and that pisses me off #medical cw #anyway I'm still staying home just to be safe but I don't wanna miss dance on Saturday so I hope it clears up by then

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eithernich · 6 months

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#been so unbelievably depressed all day that like the mere act of breathing makes me wanna die like every thing i can hear or see smell yada #yada makes me sick on a molecular level i'm so tired of this #i have a dm i haven't been able to respond to due to how messed up in the head i've been if you're reading this please know i'm not #ignoring you deliberately just losing my mind #i promise i will respond when i'm a little more functional <3

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lightblueminecraftorchid · 2 months

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it’s not fair that so much of my memory and cognitive function is tied up in something I cannot control or reasonably prevent

#blue chatter #EMDR therapy is genuinely helpful #but I’m starting to hate how much it impacts my ability to function afterwards #I don’t wanna feel like my consciousness is detaching from reality like a moist sticky note after every session #I don’t want to have gaps in my memory for hours afterward #it’s not fair that other people inflicted all these traumatic experiences onto me #and now I have to process them and suffer the consequences #I told my therapist today that I’m angry at myself for not being able to spin enough plates #that if I had just been more attentive and had more energy and worked on my homework like I should have #I wouldn’t have suffered nearly as much from the deep distrust and constant surveillance academically #and if I hadn’t been so easy to manipulate and groom #my parents wouldn’t have had a good reason to violate my privacy and read all my text messages and browser history #I’m angry that I never earned my right to privacy #and I’m angry at my brain now (even though I know it’s unfair)#why can’t I just process this like a normal person #why do I have to have all these new scary symptoms I’m not used to #why can’t I just get therapy and face my traumas and anxieties and get over it quickly #and I know that’s unfair. and I’d never say that to somebody else.#I just want this all to be over with. I want a life where I don’t just stop functioning once a week.#I hate having to write off the rest of the day after a session because nothing gets done #and my brain turns into goo and I feel floaty and spacey and strangely unable to move or think #it’s not usually like I can’t respond at all. or pay attention. it just takes so much effort. and my body and brain feel strangely heavy #and clumsy. like I’m walking in a mech suit or something.#I want my brain back.#but I know that getting it back means doing this work now #which sucks and I don’t like it. esp since I don’t know for sure that this will ever go away.#it’s scary to lose memories of important events and lose chunks of time and feel like I can’t trust my own version of events #how can I know if I’m being gaslit if I cant trust my memory already? it terrifies me that I’m so vulnerable #anyway. rant over. sorry y’all.

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