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alliterative-albatross · 4 years ago

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So, I sent you (@disgruntledspacedad) a pretty long ask a while ago (back when you had anon on) and I'm decently sure Tumblr ate it (or maybe you ignored it, in which case, feel free to ignore this one as well). But then I saw one of those "writers appreciate feedback no matter how long" posts, so I'm back here. Here is my mediocre attempt to rewrite my original review of your work. Bear in mind that English is not my first language, so if at any point my phrasing sounds weird to you, you know why. Mandatory disclaimer/apology: this might get a little too long 😅

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

I remember being SO mad at myself for not finding this sooner. I binge read it one afternoon with no thoughts for any real life responsibilities I might have had (and no regrets). Javiears is one hell of an unconventional relationship in the beginning, and I really love what you did with them. The whole premise of your story is quite refreshing, and you somehow manage to convey the trust and mutual respect there two feel for one another without explicitly showing us the beginning of their "entanglement".

Also, fuck you for what you did to poor Emilio, that man was a saint and he deserved better! I honestly can't believe that I got so attached to a character that appeared so little in the story, but it happened, and his death kind of broke my heart.

But the Javiears reunion + mild confession was lovely, and felt completely deserved. And of course the sex scene. I won't lie, I expected a bit better from Javi there, but I did like how utterly /human/ it was. Capturing that humanity, the imperfections in each character is something you're really good at (more on that later).

AFTERSHOCKS

Ah, my emotionally constipated babies who really need to work out their communication issues. I do love them, though. And this short series did a really good job of delving a bit deeper into Ears's and Javi's psyche. Kudos to you for dealing with the medical "aftershocks" of living through an explosion AND using that experience to move your emotional plot forward. These two need to grow a lot before they can get to a stable point in their relationship, and you really manage to convey their insecurity and fear of commitment/intimacy while making it clear that they're in it for the long run and that theirs is a relationship that WILL work out so help them God.

IF I FALL

Ouch. Punch me in the gut while you're at it, why don't you?

But seriously, "If I Fall" is SO FUCKING GOOD. Don't get me wrong, it's angstier than an image of Jesus on the cross (don't judge me, it's Holy Week and I just got home from accompanying my grandma to church), but it somehow works beautifully. You, my dear, play heartstrings like they're a fucking guitar and I AM HERE FOR IT.

You're doing an amazing job at making me feel everything these characters are feeling, which is both awful (bc pain) and impressive.

Also, if anything happens to Ana I will cry, because she is adorable and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also, if anything happens to Ears I will cry, because she is badass and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Also also also, if anything happens to Javi I will cry, because he is loving and wonderful and has suffered way too much already and really deserves a break and some cookies.

Basically, I am really invested in the well-being of these characters and can't wait until they're happy and safe again (please tell me they will be, my heart can't handle much more pain).

A quick note on the angst complaints: yes, this story is way angstier than most other fics out there and it can be a bit too much at times, especially considering how many chapters of pain it's been. BUT it's obvious that "If I Fall" NEEDS this amount of angst to get where it's going, to send the message it wants to and to properly develop its characters. The pain is as important to this story as flour is to bread. You may not like eating flour on its own (I don't think anyone does), but you love bread (because bread is amazing) and you must recognize that bread NEEDS flour to work. It wouldn't be bread otherwise. And eating the flour as part of the bread even makes you like the flour because the bread is just DELICIOUS.

I fully understand and sympathize with the people who have elected to table "If I Fall" until it's completed so they can binge read it knowing there's a happy ending in sight, but in case you're feeling a bit self conscious about all the angst, please know that your story is beautiful not in spite of the pain, but rather /because of it/.

PS: No, I'm not high/drunk, I just really like bread

AUTHOR'S NOTES

Silly thing to comment on, I know, but I do feel like it's important that you know how useful your ANs have been. There are many details in the story that I simply wouldn't fully get without reading your comments at the end of each chapter, and I appreciate your writing a hell of a lot more knowing how deeply you understand and care for each one of your characters. Plus, it is obvious how much work you've put into researching a country and a time period that are (from what I gather) unfamiliar to you, and I really do believe you've done an amazing job of it.

JAVIER PEÑA

My boy. I love your characterization of this complicated character, and I have eagerly read each and every one of your headcanons about him. I can't really say if your version is fully faithful to the source material because it's been a while since I saw Narcos, but your Javi most definitely reads like a real person. He's fairly consistent as a character, and I feel like everything he does is perfectly natural for him to do as a character. He makes for an unconventional yet deeply interesting romantic lead, and so far I have thoroughly enjoyed all his POV chapters/scenes.

OCs

I know you've gotten some flack for making her into an OC halfway into the story, and while I get why the sudden change may have felt like a disappointment for some, I don't share that sentiment. I firmly believe that this fandom is unfairly harsh towards Original Characters and their creators, and I don't really understand why. Listen, I love Reader fics, and consume many Reader fics. I have read dozens, maybe even hundreds, and I can safely say that I've only ever "inserted" myself in approximately 10% of those stories. Reader characters are not as blank as their writers may want them to be. They can't be. They're characters, and character have personalities and moral values and senses of humor and a bunch of other things. Reader characters may not have a backstory or a physical description attached (and even that's not guaranteed), but they're still characters.

And on a more personal note, pretending they're actual blank slates is naive at best and insensitive at worst. Reader characters are American coded 99% of the time, and white coded 95% of the time. Not every readers is white nor American, even if that's the predominant demographic on Tumblr. When I read a JavixReader fic about a woman who speaks exactly zero Spanish, I know she's not me. The story may be beautifully written and have an amazing plot and character development, but the Reader *isn't me*. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and some of my favorite xReader stories feature a "reader" who couldn't be more different from me, but it's something that enemies of OC fics should take into account. Particularly if they are white and/or American. But I digress.

HANNAH AARONS

Your character is amazing. She's strong, smart, confident, independent and an all-around badass. She gets kidnapped while pregnant and still focuses on problem solving and survival. But she's also overly guarded and mistrustful, and really needs to work on her communication skills. There are times when I absolutely love her and even admire her, and other times when I want to whack her with a slipper. She's no Mary Sue, but remains interesting and likeable throughout the story. She feels wholly human and real, and that's no easy task. I like her, I am invested in her, and I can't wait to see what's next for her. She's a compelling and three dimensional protagonist in a complex story who never fails to draw me in. I love her. She's your baby, and you should be proud of her.

Also, quick question about personality types: I know you've typed Javi as ESFP and Ears as ENTP (100% agree on both, btw), but have you given any thought to their enneagram types? I personally have always seen Ears as being somewhere on the thinking triad, maybe a 7 or even a 6w7, but I'm not too sure about Javi. 9w8 maybe? He could also be a 6w5 🤔

PARTING THOUGHTS

Basically, I love your story, your characters and your writing in general. You are a fantastic storyteller and wordsmith. You get into the heads of incredibly different characters personality-wise (Ears, Javi, Berna...) and manage to capture all of their complexities and quirks every single time. And it doesn't feel like it's something innate for you either. To me, it seems that you have put a lot of work and effort into understanding each and every one of your characters, who they are, why they do what they do and what they want. And let me tell you, all that effort has been more than worth it. "Better Love" is a fanfic, but it wouldn't be out of place in a regular bookstore, if I'm honest. I don't know what you do for a living or if you've ever considered writing professionally, but you clearly have the skills and the drive to create some masterpieces.

You are amazing and your writing is a gift. Thank you for sharing it with us, and have a nice day! ~ 🍪

My friend, I apologize for hoarding your first ask. I’ve been sitting on it because I’m not gonna lie, I enjoy going back and rereading it. It gave me a lot of comfort when I was in a pretty dark place, both personally and in regards to my writing, and I was reluctant to send it out into the the abyss of Tumblr where I might never see it again.

That’s not fair, though. You put just as much effort into sending me that review as I put into my writing, and I apologize for never responding to you.

Okay, anyway, so twice now, you’ve made me cry. In a good way, I promise!

I absolutely love your bread/flour metaphor. It made perfect sense. I want the emotional release of Javi and Hannah’s reunion to be earned, and in order to do that, the angst has to come first (there are also a few plot “ingredients” that have yet to make their appearances). Thank you very much for understanding that, and for voicing it so eloquently.

I appreciate your comments on my research and characterization. You’re correct that I’ve put a lot of time and effort into crafting a universe. In a lot of ways, I’m doing my best to stay true to the source material (regarding culture and timelines in particular), and in others, I’m branching into my own territory.

On that note, I’ve never once regretted fully embracing Hannah Aarons’ identity as an OC. She’s stayed consistent in my mind from the beginning, and it was a relief to finally share my vision of her with the audience. And for the record, I totally agree with you regarding “reader” characters. Every reader insert echoes the perspective of their author, no matter how vague the physical description. I can only imagine how grating that must be from the perspective of a non-white, non-american reader. Thank you so much for sharing your insight! I will certainly keep it in mind the next time I write a “reader insert” fic.

Okay, enneagrams! I am much less familiar with enneagram than I am MBTI, but I agree 110% that Javi is a 9 with a strong 8 wing. I waffled back and forth on Ears a little, but eventually landed on 8w7 for her. It came down to the eight’s deepest fear, which is being controlled. That’s Ears all over, and the fact that she and Javi share that eight willfulness means that they might butt heads a little, which also seems very appropriate for them. Big thanks to @remusstark for her insight into the eight frame of mind - our conversations helped solidify my decision on this. :)

Anyway, I’m just rambling now. The big take-away point that I want you to get is that I am so, so grateful to you, both for your insightful feedback and your dedication in making sure that I actually saw it. You are an absolute gem and a deep thinker, Cookie-Anon, and if you ever feel like sliding into my DM’s, I’d welcome the opportunity to get to know you better.

Mad love and soft hugs,

~ Jay

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najatheangel · 4 years ago

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Written Ship 🐶

Hey luv! I was wondering if I could do a written ship request for enhypen , txt, and nct dream ?

I’m a 5’5 skinny south Asian girl with layered long wavy dark hair (as in it goes down to my waist but I swear it’s healthy thanks to coconut oil )and dark eyes . I absolutely adore the color yellow oml it’s just one of those colors that makes me happy but at the same time I’m like indecisive cuz every color has its own vibes but i wine with yellow a lot . And for seasons idk I feel every season have something new it brings to the table so I can’t choose.. but I kinda like the colder seasons cuz I can wear my cozy sweaters lol. I’ve been doing classical dance for about 10 years and recently started doing urban for the past 3. I’m also learning contemporary cuz why not lol. I’m also such a art geek like I love to paint, draw, and even write from time to time. As for sports I do tennis oh and mbti type is ENFP . Sun sign Scorpio, moon in Aquarius, and rising Leo. [...]

I hope you’re having a good day and thank you for ur time ! 💞

@golden-fields-with-berries Hello darling thanks sooo much for requesting it was lovely getting to know you. Sorry you had to wait so long school is really has really been a pain in the ass lately and I had to get extra study time. Anyways enough of that here ya go boo…✨⭐️

From Enhypen, I ship you with…Jungwon

Positive Side: Your relationship will last a longtime. First of all, your both very talented in the area of dancing and have enough experience to the point where it can take you to big places in your careers. Your both very straight forward, focused and would use good strategies to accomplish goals together as partners. Communication between ESTJ and ENFP personality types tend to focus a lot on the big picture when it comes to real life experiences, each other’s history and facts on certain topics rather than theories. It’s a good thing, because your constantly keeping it real with each other and being realistic which can help for the both of you when it comes to making big decisions. As far as your interactions together, you both feed of each other’s energy. You both resemble golden retriever’s in a sense getting excited over going on dates, hanging out with each others friends and seeing each other enjoying a hobby together. He enjoys seeing you playing tennis with him even though he knows he you win every game and seeing you get excited about showing your artwork your artwork to him which made him super soft for you. Jungwon is the more younger and charming one in the relationship so he doesn’t fail to sweep you off your feet and will continue to prove himself to you how worthy of a boyfriend and support system he can be for you.

Negative Side: With him being the Aquarius and you being the Scorpio, it was hard at first to become a couple, because you both have similarities yet some differences which can be hard to accept. The differences I’m referring to can relate to your expectations and values when it comes building relationships. For example, Jungwon would want someone that thinks more with their mind mean while you would want someone that thinks more out of their heart. These small differences can cause some intense debates and question your both able to survive this relationship. It almost even cause you guys to break up because of this big divide between you two that’s hard to adjust.

But…: Because your both so different from each other, doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing. At the end of the day, you both have love for each other and would help each other change for the better. It makes it a lot easier to agree to disagree and learn to respect each other views in life a little bit more. You might not be the most compatible in other people’s eyes, but you both know the what’s best for each other and would rather stick around with each other.

From Txt, I ship you with…Soobin

Positive Side: Very interesting loveable duo. Your both people that have a love and obsession with knowledge and learning new things whether it has to do with science, biology, psychology, etc…In the area you both click the most in is art and music. Of course you have more knowledge in the art department, but of course Soobin is all ears and will hear you talk for hours about the latest artwork from your favorite artists. He also love when you give him your most honest feedback on his songs because it helps him give suggestions to his other members and produce more better music to their fans. The relationship between Scorpio’s and Sagittarius tend to have a more stable connection and meet each other’s needs in a relationship. Soobin would give his input on certain situations your having trouble with whether it involves you messing up in school or getting into an argument with a friend. He tries the break down what you did wrong in the situation and how you can fix it without hurting their your feelings. Whenever he comes across an issue dealing with a scandal in his career or have any doubts within himself, you turn a negative into a positive and remind him why he’s in the music industry in first place. This bond overall is for the most part something you cherish for the rest of your young lifes.

Negative Side: Scorpios tend to have a hard time trusting people they’re closest to. Soobin is the one that’s more adventurous when it comes to traveling with you and coming up with more creative ways by expressing his love for you. The fact that his love for you is so strong, he’s constantly afraid that once he makes one mistake, there is no running back to you. Not saying that your extra strict on Soobin, but because trust is so important to you if Soobin ever lies, hides or betrays you on something huge then it’s hard to rebuild that bond you both worked so hard on building. Your biggest fear is almost similar where your afraid that because your so different from him, that it would be hard for Soobin to adjust.

But: Your both very honest and straight to the point that you both don’t have to worry about breaking that level of trust with each other. After staying together with him longer than a year all your worries start to wash away and you both finally can live stress free as a couple. Sometimes you still have your disagreements and blow outs, but it always ends on a high note. Soobin is the light that helps guide you to the right direction and your the

From Nct Dream, I ship you with…Renjun

Positive Side: Renjun is probably the best match out of everyone on this list. To start it off Scorpios get along very well with Aries because they have a very strong sexual chemistry. Depending on how they feel at that moment in time, the relationship starts off as lust and then love. In the case of Renjun being on the more innocent side and little experience with dating, it’s no secret that he wouldn’t deny his feelings for you out of love. From your point of you you enjoy having him around, admire his intelligence and his ability to stay committed to you while living his dream. Just like Soobin, you both love having deep conversations about each others hobbies, conspiracy theories and personal insecurities that your both struggling with. You are also very protective of each other and don’t ever take shit from anybody. If anyone tries to flirt with you or disrespect, Renjun would shut that down immediately scolding that person. You both think off of emotion and crave that when it comes to becoming affectionate with each other. Your both not the best with words, but better with actions. He’s multitalented in the art and music department as well so any art project or dance cover you wanted to work on together, Renjun won’t hesitate to join in with you. Both of your biggest deal breaker is tolerating liars and people that sneak around. Lastly, your level of trust is the most balanced out of everyone on the list, because you both can be clingy and jealous sometimes, but not to the point where it’s hurting your relationship.

Negative Side: When it comes to communication Renjun can be a fire cracker. Sometimes he can be very impatient and wants answers right away when it comes to having those deep conversations with you sometimes. Just like I mentioned earlier, you can be talking about how happy you are in your relationship with him and Renjun would either have a hard time expressing his emotions back by playfully brushing it off or pretend like he didn’t hear what you were saying which would hurt you. You wish sometimes Renjun would be better at expressing his love back at you with words as simple as “I love you too.” You both also try to be strong infront of each other and can’t sense what the other person is feeling half of the time.

But: Renjun is someone that can keep you on your feet and would always show signs of his love for you. Somedays he can be clingy and constantly texting because he’s missed you all day. When he shows small yet meaningful gestures it makes you 10x happier. Your friendship and faith in each other what helps your relationship last much longer with him. Remember if you didn’t experience bad days with him, you wouldn’t have good ones. :)

Out of everyone I ship you the most with…Renjun💎

#submission #kpop ships #enhypen ships #nct dream ships #txt ships #txt #soobin #enhypen #jungwon #nct dream #Renjun

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100dad · 3 years ago

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100 things that made me America’s Dad

#1 I had Sex. It is tough to be a Dad when you do not have a kid. Full credit due for invitro dads, for adoption dads, and stepdads. I am not trying to bash on anybody’s parade. I just did it the old-fashioned way. Had a lot of fun. It is a natural talent.

#2 I got my priorities in the right order. It is not about me anymore. Faith. Wife. Kids. Then me. My hobbies take a back seat. The gym became less important.

#3 I made my marriage a priority.

#4 I made sure I could financially provide. Check income. Track expenses. Budget.

#5 Financially prepared for the future. College. Retirement. Big Purchases. House. Cars. Etc.

#6 I made sure I had a Will.

#7 I made sure I had Life Insurance.

#8 I recognized that I am now a role model. I should at least act like it.

#9 I stayed optimistic about everything. Because pessimism sucks.

#10 Made sure Mom and Dad are on the same team.

#11 My discipline game was on point. Strong, Firm, Reasonable.

#12 I protected my family. From physical harm, spiritual harm, emotional harm, evil.

#13 I am thankful for everything. Where I was born. The people I have met. That guy that gave me an idea. The guy that said I couldn’t. The ones that said I could. To authors. To haters. To supporters. Everything. Everyone.

#14 I provide. A roof, food, and water. Stable home. Education. Unconditional love. Discipline. Consequences.

#15 Not rigid. I stay flexible. Not only in the sack. I’m not going to be rigid in my parenting. Times change. Kids have different personalities. I adjust accordingly.

#16 I shouldered the responsibility. And the blame. All of it. I can handle it.

#17 I set the tone at home. It’s what a leader does.

#18 Made sure our family name means something in our community. How we carry ourselves and how we treat others.

#19 A good home life was more important than faking it on social media.

#20 I made sure our house was a home.

#21 I kicked ass at work. I tried to be the best. Because that is how you succeed.

#22 I prepare my kids for the real world. Age appropriately, of course.

#23 My values and morals are firm. I do not compromise on those.

#24 I put in the effort. Because this is too important to wing it.

#25 I became good at relationships. It’s amazing what being nice, reliable, and offering help will do for your reputation.

#26 Humbled myself because I realized my ego will be my downfall.

#27 Perspective was everything. I learned to put myself in other people’s shoes.

#28 Taught my kids about guns. If I am going to have them, we might as well make sure safety is taught and they do not become forbidden fruit.

#29 I reassessed who I hung out with. I wanted to elevate myself not be held back.

#30 This is who I took advice from. People who actually did what I wanted to do. Good Dads. Good businessmen who built from scratch.

#31 Time. Quality and quantity. I recognized its importance in raising a family. Time is everything.

#32 Let my kids be them. Not what I wish I had been. My Values and morals are firm but I let their personalities and talents bloom.

#33 I read books to my kids. Good bonding. Good teaching moments.

#34 I Play with my kids. Both when it was fun as they get older and when it was boring when they just laid there.

#35 I remain Calm under pressure. Cool heads prevail over emotional drama queens.

#36 I build up my kids’ confidence. Because self-esteem does not result from being crushed all the time.

#37 I give them frequent reality checks. If I’m going to be humbled…so will they. This isn’t a fairy tale.

#38 Created a stable home environment. Rules, routine, predictability.

#39 Realized how much these kids see and absorb…..and modified my behavior.

#40 I hated negativity. Still do.

#41 Vices – not for me. I can say no. I can handle stress. Drugs, alcohol, gambling, porn, tobacco….I make sure my mind is more powerful than temptation.

#42 My secret formula. Hard work + Good Decisions + Faith =Success

#43 Failing does not bother me. In fact, it oddly is fun for me.

#44 Plowed thru fears. Pushed forward. No, what-ifs.

#45 Live without regret. I do not want to be 90 wishing I had been a better dad or tried to make something of myself.

#46 Not afraid to make the unpopular decision because I know it is the right decision.

#47 I do not get painted into corners. If A and B are the only options. I find or create an option C.

#48 I am not afraid to get weird and step outside my comfort zone.

#49 I did not say the things I wanted to say when I was angry. Because I knew I would regret it and once those things are said they never really get taken back.

#50 Loved taking those scary leaps toward opportunities.

#51 Gave my kids independence and freedom as they earned it.

#52 I am not a helicopter dad. But I do verify the trust and freedoms I have allowed are worthy.

#53 Comparison was motivation, not depression. I was never envious, just inspired.

#54 Our house had RULES. Because structure is important.

#55 I refused to sacrifice my family to excel in my career.

#56 I let my kids fail…. a lot.

#57 Became okay with asking for help…. letting go of that ego thing.

#58 Actions were more important than words…. anybody can say the words.

#59 I didn’t make excuses, I just got things done.

#60 Willingness to do what others would not. I found there is much value in doing the things others find demeaning or too hard.

$61 I found the best balance is balancing over longer periods of time. Not day to day or even weekly. More seasonal.

#62 I gave myself reality checks. Check that ego.

#63 I realized how good I have it. And I did my best to soak in that contentment.

#64 Recognized my kids’ genetics and focused on their talents, skills, and personalities.

#65 Respect is important. Earning it & Giving it.

#66 Bravery is important. Super important. Stand up for what I genuinely believe in.

#67 Raising my kids to be fully functional adults.

#68 I used short-term tactics with long-term visions.

#69 Pushed my kids to be better, braver, stronger.

#70 Teach my kids everything I can about life, so they are prepared when they enter the real world without me.

#71 Recognized how important dads’ role is in the family.

#72 I document a lot. It’s great for memories. Reflection. Appreciation.

#73 I controlled my kids' influences. What they see, experience, hear.

#74 Strong man- Kind heart.

#75 The secret to a good life is simply being happy.

#76 I do my best. Give my best. Because effort is huge!

#77 Realized my wife was insanely important to our life.

#78 I drive our family value home repeatedly. No one and done. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

#79 Started my own businesses giving us control of our lifestyle.

#80 Worked close to home because I hated the idea of traffic instead of family.

#81 Made big efforts to be incredibly involved in my kids’ lives. Even the not so fun things.

#82 We switched to homeschooling. More time. More freedom. More control of influences.

#83 Knew my priorities in life. Faith. Family. Work. Friends.

#84 Budgeting was a huge deal. Both of us stayed involved and adhered to it. Neither of us wasted our hard-earned money.

#85 I did not borrow money. No partners. No inheritance. All on my own. No scapegoats. No crutches.

#86 Willing to do unpopular things and go against the grain. Because going along with crowds seems so…. basic.

#87 Cared more about building a net worth than impressing people.

#88 Despite mediocre grammar skills I enjoy writing out my thoughts. Creates clarity and conviction!

#89 Never traveled as a kid, Limited travel as an adult= Strong desire to travel!

#90 Sold a valuable business to the right company at the right time. Luck helps. Luck seems to happen to people who work really hard and do the right things.

#91 Realized having cash and no debt gives you options and freedom and tremendous peace of mind.

#92 Set huge, big goals. Never achieved them totally. But when I came up short, I still did great!

#93 Never afraid of work…even hard work, willing to outwork everyone.

#94 My hobby was my family and work. I excelled at the 2 things I focused most on.

#95 Leaned heavily on my Faith. Put my worries, struggles, anxieties on shoulders bigger than mine.

#96 I knew I did not want to replicate the bad parts of my father …but I did want to replicate the good parts.

#97 Married a girl with the same values and morals as me. With similar goals. With similar ethics. With the same determination to work through bad times and build a good life.

#98 Looked at my ancestry and wanted to become a legend in my family. I wanted our name to really mean something.

#99 Lived a life that if someone wants to dig into it there is nothing to find. Squeaky clean.

#100 Wrote down our family values. This became our compass and roadmap.

100% Dad is currently on tour traveling the country promoting the 100% Dad brand. Townsend Russell is the Founder and Personality for 100% Dad. Townsend has been on the tour for over 15 months with his family with plans to continue until January 2023. Townsend sold his businesses and retired in 2019 and has been building 100% Dad and creating insane memories with his family along the way.

Find out more about 100% Dad on the website 100dad.com

Rep the brand on 100dad.com/shop

Follow on Insta @100Dad

Youtube channel 100% Dad

#dadlife #dads #dad #fatherhood #father

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jimmigmalingan · 4 years ago

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Her Name Is Not “baby”, It’s JANET.

It’s not “Miss Jackson if you’re nasty” either, although just as iconic.

What better way to celebrate Women’s Month than to get to know a great embodiment of a strong and powerful woman. In fact, so strong and so powerful that my instinctive reaction when I first saw the invite to her journalism class was “Oh no.”

That was the G-Rated version of it actually. Nevertheless, same message.

I barely even knew who she was or what her teaching style was going to be like. Her G-suite display picture just exuded “Oh no” energy. I mean that as a compliment.

I went straight to my friend from elementary school who shifted to Communication a year earlier than I did. I said “Do you have any tea on her?” The first thing he told me was that she had very high standards.

I like that, actually.

Back when I was in high school, which seems like very long time despite only having been a whopping three years, those were the types of teachers that I would consider my favorite ones. Ma’am Rachel from my English class, and Ma’am Elma from my Research and Biology class. Both of which actually went on to be school heads in different schools after we graduated.

I’m just here thinking to myself “God, I would’ve been excelling at her class if it isn’t for this stupid pandemic.” I clearly am not. We will get to that soon.

When we had the chance to organize an interview as a class, it invigorated me a tad bit. This is the closest I can get to having human interaction in an academic sense, but it was also my chance to have an idea or two of who ‘Janet Tibaldo’ was. Is she going to be the bane of my existence for the next four or so years or is she going to be alongside the people who I consider to be my “heroes”?

To my surprise, she’s very, well... human.

From what I’ve gathered in both of the interviews, our class’ and the other, she is a woman of strength. She is a passionate educator, a dedicated mother, and most of all, a woman of faith and devotion. In both of the interviews, she often emphasizes the importance of the “vertical relationship” in her life, and how it can have a positive effect in one’s horizontal relationships.

I do appreciate those remarks from her quite a bit, despite me having a rockier and more complex relationship with God as a queer person. I never considered myself an atheist. I do believe in God, and I believe that I am loved by God, despite knowing that people out there will try to convince me otherwise.

How could he possibly hate me when I pray to him too and he answers them just the same? It makes absolutely no sense to me.

When she said that you can fix your horizontal relationships once your vertical relationship is stable, it did strike a cord just as much as it struck a verve in me. I am trying to. It took me a while, but nevertheless I’m glad that I am here.

She often described herself as “strict”, both as a parent and an educator. It often surprises me how much bombardment my friend from elementary experiences from her subjects. The way he describes it to me sounds a bit like torture. I always took his words about her with a grain of salt. I will probably never believe him until I experience it first hand. He did say I was lucky that I shifted during online classes because she is a bit more lenient, otherwise I would’ve been dead meat.

If she was the monster that she’s painted out to be, I do understand why. It’s not like I don’t have a maternal figure or two in my life with eerily similar approaches. Like I said, she is a bit more human than what one would expect. She talked about her sleepless nights to dedicate herself onto her work, how she takes it upon herself when things go wrong, and how she said she hopes for a better and more empathetic world when I asked about her hopes for the future. To me she sounds like a person who stands her ground and knows exactly what she wants, even if it gets the best of her at times.

With that, she shared a peek of her younger days, how she spent her childhood during the Martial Law era, how newscasters on TV sparked her interest in the field of Communication, how in her college days they made do with the resources they had back then, emphasizing how lucky we are to have the technology we have now, how she was an activist back in the day. It painted a picture in my mind. Ahhh. No wonder.

There has always been ‘fire’ inside of her. A fire that lead her to be an educator today, despite having left the path of being a media practitioner.

I did think about it a couple of times. If being a visual artist doesn’t work out for me, maybe I’ll just teach. To me, it looks fun. She did say that she never thought in a million years that she would end up becoming a teacher because she thought it looked boring. According to her, lot of her family members ended up becoming teachers and she never wanted to be one of them. Maybe there’s some ugly parts of it that I don’t get to see, but it seems like a much more stable career path than visual arts, especially in a country like this.

Just from the interviews alone, you can tell that she has so much wisdom to offer in this field. That makes me all the more excited to meet her in person. If anything, there’s your proof right there that God is out there writing poetic justice for people. Maybe it was God’s way of saying “I have something better in mind for you, you just have to trust me.”

Another standout from the interviews was when she told all of us as a piece of advice that we should grab opportunities as they come. Oftentimes, the biggest regrets you have in life aren’t the things you did but the things you didn’t do. I have to admit, the main reason why this music video is taking too long to make is because of self doubt and insecurity. She’s right. I should toughen up a bit, shouldn’t I? Not only that, but there’s a lot of competitions that I found interesting in the facebook group that I just allowed to pass me by. I don’t want to blame my years in Architecture for it, because it did cause me some good. It’s just that I knew what I was running away from after years of feeling like I will never amount to anything.

I knew that. If anything I was way bolder when I left high school, only for Architecture to beat me down. It does take someone like her to remind me of who I was then.

When I was going through my depressive episode late last year, ultimately leading me to shift to Communication, I found myself seeking refuge in the music of Janet Jackson. As a matter of fact, I shared her music to the same friend I mentioned earlier, and now he’s a fan too. We’d often joke about which Janet we were talking about in the conversation.

On one hand, we have Janet the popstar, who despite being blacklisted by Bush’s racist and misogynistic America, kept on going. She kept performing and making music for as recent as 2018, and now she’s inducted in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. On the other, we have Janet the teacher, who keeps holding on to her faith despite all of the trials and challenges that came her way all these years.

What’s it about Janets being fiery passionate women anyway?

That actually leads me to my next point of interest.

What moved me the most about both of the interviews was her openness about her struggles with mental health, and how she refers students to seek help as well back when classes were physical. I don’t think conversations like these were possible back in the day, especially when I was a child. Apparently I didn’t have ADHD I was just an idiot, and people like me get punished for their idiocy. That was my upbringing, and it’s so refreshing to know that kids nowadays are lucky to have a ‘zeitgeist’ like this.

I was brought up for the longest time in the idea that if you show any signs of vulnerability, you are weak. It took some time for me to ‘rewire’ my brain and undo all of that...

because that is blatantly false.

If anything, for me, it further solidified how strong she was. It takes so much strength to admit that you’re human. It takes so much courage to tell yourself that you probably need help because you struggle in this aspect of your life. It is so easy to pretend that you can take everything like a champ and you don’t need anyone to help you.

The easy route was to say “I’m fine” or “I’m doing good” when asked a simple question “How are you?”, the hard route is to ask yourself that same question “How am I?” and be honest and introspective about it.

She did just that. She took the hard route.

She said she was having trouble sleeping and that she had to consult a mental heath expert for that recently, and that this pandemic made it particularly hard for her to juggle work and home matters.

I don’t think she will ever understand how a simple statement like that inspires someone like me, because what I got from that was ‘if somebody as strong and as passionate as her bleeds the same way that I do, I too can be strong like her.’

I just booked my appointment to my therapist yesterday. I haven’t seen her in quite some time now. It’s nice to know that I’m not alone in this, despite going there for feeling alone. Ironic, isn’t it? I feel like I’m running out of friends, and it’s starting to feel like paralysis, really.

After the interview ended, and I finished watching the interview from the other block, I couldn’t grasp the idea of this woman being taken as a monster, because the only words I could think of in association to her thus far is ‘uplifting’ and ‘inspiring’, in the same way that Ma’am Rachel was one of the people who inspired me to be a a cartoonist and Ma’am Elma inspired me to be a competitive dancer.

I had to give up three years worth of friendships to start back from scratch and to be here. I was actually so unsure if it was even worth the sacrifice, but Ma’am Janet Tibaldo, out of all people, showed me something to look forward to in this field. Based on what I’ve gathered from her, I’m up for a good time.

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ilikelookingatthings · 4 years ago

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Miraculous ladybug love square part 3

As for ladybug’s treatment of chat. She cares about him. They are clearly friends and she can play with his jokes sometimes as well. She trusts him to get his side of the job done most of the time. She doesn’t treat him with kid gloves andcan get angry at him but also make up with him. She had faith that it wasnt the real chat in copycat. She proclaimed he was important in antibug on the roof and was willing to risk her identity to untie himfrom a pole. and she trusted he’d catch adrien if she was unable to. She isn’t the best listener when it comes to chat. assuming his flirting wasn’t serious. Didn’t trust his advice when facing volphina, or antibug, or miraculer. she often leaves him out of the lop but it can be argued thats more tikki and master fu’s call on the situation. She does worry about and care about him. even if sometimes she might think its a given he’ll be there. and her comfort to express her emotions means sometimes she can go a bit too far like when she said she didn’t trust him anymore and she didn’t think about how that migt affect their dynamic because she was used to the fight and make up route and it was her way of expressing how upset she was. she alsohas the double standard when itcomes to treating civilian adrien super nice compared to chat noir. but thats kindof a given with crushes. Ladybug did listen to his feelings in glacatiour and doesn’t force him to stop expressing himself entirely like with the yellow rose. but honestly its easier to argue adrien has a secert mini attraction to her civilian self than it is to picture ladybug having a crush on chat. but we have seen her jealous over herself when it comes to chat. and ladybug was more likly to believe adrien betrayed her idntity in a timeline than the idea that adrien and chat could be the same person.

I love maribug and I know how much she cares. but even if her nerves and fears are relatable...its hard to give my all in supporting her when she isn’t honest with him about her feelings.

Adrien has a bunch of loved ones who are all really weird at communicating. They all love him but they are ALL realy bad at showing it to him and aren’t always good at loving him even if they do love him. like his dad(yes even his participation trophy of a dad), nathalie, gorilla, chloe and plagg aren’t very strait forward in their affections. pretty emotionally stunted and arent the best at emotion talks. Kagami is still learning to be more expressive and vulnerable even though she is strait forward. but as much as I love mari and knows she cares....her loving him doesn’t exactly do adrien any good if he never knows she cares. as much as I ship adriennette adrien deserves someone to tell him they love him and mari isn’t doing a good job of getting that across. and due to how deeply mari feels I can’t help but imagine she would not be able to take a rejection very well and stay adrien’s friend like how chat is with ladybug.

and now lets dicuss the lukanette and kagadrien ships.

Luka is a sweetheart. he is mature and stable. he can understand mari’s feelings very easily and he never pressures her. she can easily talk to him. He is very supportive and mari is comfortable being vulnerable around him and talking about feelings. Luka also picks up mari’s social ques unlike adrien who struggles with mari at times. they are both creative people. He gives her a place to relax without judgment and support no matter what she chooses. and He made it clear that he likes her romantically and clearly let her know he likes her. That takes away more anxiety. He also knows about her feelings for adrien. He has good hero qualities(was even chat/adrien approved). and he lets mari go at her own pace which is refreshing when you think about her friends and even herself who tend to get impatient for romance and shov extreme shipping moments down our throats. luka makes mari feel wanted and he DID turn her compass. somthing chat hasn’t even done. though mari had decided to stay focused on adrien for a while still. She doesn’t put herself own or think luka is out of her league unlike what she does with adrien. and luka is available to hang out whenever unlike adrie who has to bale due to his dad alot

downsides is luka might be too chill. mari often needs boosts that prompt her to certain aths and lukas chillness might make her not commit as much since it seems fine. Luka is selfless an its great for mari to figure her own feelings. but it does let mari someone be insensative or hurt luka due to not thinking of his feelings. and it gives the impression that luka could easily let her go. that he wouldnt fight for her or specifically for HIS feelings for her. he is also a year older and mature which could have issues because she ISN’T mature at times. luka soothes but chat is good at cheering her up or distracting her from her issues and chat actually points out when he disagrees with something. we don’t see luka standing up for his own feelings or admitting mari might have hurt him at times. like in desperada with her reaction toward kagami and adrien. or her choosing adrien to play guitar rather than the obvious luka. anf if luka has issues he doesn’t strait up tell mari unlike what chat or drien does. so mari might miss extra stuff when it comes to luka as a friend or romantically because luka seems good at communication.

Kagami has good things and bad things with adrien.

Kagami is straitforward about her feelings so thats good because expecting adrien to guess feelings and respond isnt exactly fair. both of them enjoy fencing and competeing against one another. they both enjoy the adrenaline rush in fencing or in akuma battles. both understand the other aren’t the best at social Qs. They both can hand out during parent schedualed activities unlike adrien’s other friends. kagami and adrien make jokes together. sneak out together. and cal talk about their over baring parents and understand eachother in that regard. Both admire ladybug and both admire marinette. both know the importance of validating your own feelings and can be honest with eachother. Adrien can teach kagami that winning isnt everything and the more softer emotions and jokes like how adrien got her her fencing sabre after she lost and was upset andfelt like a failure. and adrien can introduce kagami to even more friends. and kagami knows about his other crush. and kagami can teach adrien to be firmer with boundaries.

down sides is kagami might be straightforward but she also does hide some of her vulnerable and soft emotions from adrien and how invested she really is. they both move pretty quickly when it comes to love. and kagami isn’t the most sensitive I guess at times. and Kagami might treat him like a regular friend but they ARE both a little pressured by their parents to make this work. and kagami is still working through her own perfectionist tendencies and her seeing things as matches. winning, losing and points. adrien also can be prone to pressure at times. so kagami might accidentally pressure him with her aggressive stances at times. and we know adrien still has some feelings for ladybug so that could trouble thingsif that persists. kagami seems like a open book that adrien might forget to look deeper o find moe of her issues. and kagami isnt exactly a expert on softness or feelings. and they might be feeing the way they do out of expectation from the parents. or just wanting more time together and mistaking that for love when they don;t have much experience.

plus of course the secert identity issues. and they might forget to let moments breath.

both adrien and kagami are similar.

and mari and luka are similar.

only adrien has a selfless streak in him and mari doesn’t always want to be selfless and wants to be selfish about feelings.

#miraculous ladybug #ladybug #luka #lukanette #kagami #kagadrien #marinette #adrien #chat noir #ladynoir #ladrien #marichat #newyork

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nonbinaryresource · 5 years ago

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ive been thinking abt this for a little while & have been needing to ask someone abt it. i am nb & have always considered myself trans but recently ive not been vibing with the trans label bc i am so sick of seeing ppl exclude & invalidate nb ppl. ik that i shouldnt stop doing smth just bc other ppl r being assholes but its so tiring to see ppl constantly say how u dont belong or arent valid. srry this is long & kinda rambly i just dont really know how to feel abt it

I will directly address your ask, but I’m going to start by telling you a story about my journey with identifying as asexual and queer.

When I was about 11, my friends suddenly started drooling over magazines and calling people hot, and I didn’t know what it was, but I knew I did not feel whatever it is my friends were feeling.

Until I was about 16/17, this part of me remained a mystery to me and to my friends. I never had crushes, I never found people hot, I never liked complimenting people physically, I was uncomfortable with sex on TV, and I didn’t even like platonic touch. Now my group of friends were all repressed and closeted queer folk, so I didn’t have to deal with “being left behind” as my friends dated. But the later we got into high school, the more my friends began discovering and exploring their sexualities. A freshman became a part of our friend group and was openly trans and gay. One friend came out as gay. Another as bi. They started commenting more and more about other’s looks and having crushes.

Still, there was nothing on my end. My friends used to think I was just being vague and secretive because this is what I tended to be like. I don’t think they’ve ever realized how much of it was that I truly didn’t know or understand what my lack of sexual feelings meant or that it could even mean anything. I used to just consider it a “nothingness” of myself. Until, by complete chance, I came across the term asexual. I immediately connected with it. It explained so much that I didn’t even know I needed explained.

I came out quickly after that and I was really excited and happy and proud to know who I was and what how I felt meant. My friends were great and supportive. My mom was a little ignorant but overall supportive. AVEN was great and a community for me. But if I tried to talk about it anywhere else online…

Well, the effects of how people treated me would fester for years. See, I came out as asexual before exclusionism (the specific movement of anti-aro and anti-ace erasure and gatekeeping from lgbt+ spaces) was a movement or a named thing. Yet exclusionist attitudes were exactly what I faced. My queer friends all completely accepted me as one of them and I helped co-run our school’s new GSA with the rest of them. But online, as a teen, I was facing 30+ year olds telling me I wasn’t queer and that I was just trying to seem special and that I needed to shut up about my asexuality and my experiences and that I wasn’t valid and that asexuality wasn’t a real thing and that even if asexuality was a real thing it wasn’t valid and it certainly didn’t matter.

I graduated high school and went to college and was no longer really in touch with my group of friends. I therefore completely cut myself off from any lgbt+/queer community, even though a friend invited me to join the college’s queer association. I stopped participating so much in online asexual spaces. I become wrapped up in other things.

A couple of years went by and a lot of things in my life changed. By chance, mod applications for a blog about aro and ace headcanons for a fandom I enjoyed came across my dash. I had extra time on my hands and thought I could help, so I applied and was accepted. This increased my exposure to the aspec community again and thrust me back in… just around the time exclusionism was becoming a specific and named movement of bigotry.

At the same time I resisted these ideals, I was also still hurt and unhealed from what I’d gone through as a teen. I internalized a lot of the hatred and gatekeeping. I was so hurt and so tired. I just wanted to be able to exist in peace. And people I considered myself one of were harassing me and dismissing even my biromanticism. So I struggled with my identity and my asexuality. I did not specifically become an exclusionist, but I turned my back on the lgbt+ community and spaces. I did not consider myself lgbt+ because I learned that doing so only brought pain and upset and made me feel alone and isolated. I didn’t speak a lot on exclusionism or inclusionism, but at some point I did make a plea to my fellow aspecs to just let the larger community go and be our own community and accept that maybe we could be straight. I did it out of desperation and hurt, wanting to stop feeling targeted and attacked and to stop seeing the fighting on my dash and in the tags. I just wanted us all to be happy and feel accepted and supported.

On that post, one wonderfully kind and patient person opened up a discussion with me, explaining their own hurts over exclusionism and being so damn exhausted of them and fellow aspecs being targeted and excluded and written out and not supported and feeling like they had to split their asexuality from their other queer identities and how being asexual was a part of them and how it had strongly shaped their experiences, especially with realizing and coming to terms with the other parts of their queer identity. And through their raw honesty I came to realize… I had never stopped to process the harassment I had faced and the pain and hurt that cut me so deeply.

It was a changing point for me. I realized that I had handled my pain in a bad way and had ended up lashing out at other aspecs instead of the people who were actually hurting me. I realized how much I had hurt myself and held myself back and cut myself down and dismissed parts of myself trying to fit into the box exclusionists had laid out for me, as if I could ever made them happy enough to stop harassing me and just let me exist. I cut myself down for them, but the truth is that exclusionists don’t just want aspecs “out” of the community. They want to hurt us. They want us to hurt. They want us to doubt ourselves. They want to feel strong and powerful, and they feel they can achieve this through bullying us. Perhaps some, like myself, are trying to appeal to their oppressors by pointing out another vulnerable group they could target more/instead. They are passing on hurt instead of standing up to it and so they are actually festering in hurt instead of changing anything.

Today, I am a staunch inclusionist. I understand myself and the issues aspecs face much better. I am a more compassionate person regarding the confusion and upset aros and aces have over their identity and their place in the world. I feel more stable and confident regarding my identity as an asexual - and now as an aromantic - queer person who is lgbt+.

But it was a long, hard, difficult journey to get here. It was full of a lot of turmoil. I wish I would have had a happier journey where I felt more supported and accepted, and I hope I can help provide more stability and support for future generations to not have to go through what I did.

My point (or one among a few, anyway) is that I deeply and personally understand how you are feeling and the decision facing you now. As someone who went through a very similar experience, my advice to you is to take care of yourself and to prioritize your mental health.

It’s okay if you can’t handle identifying as trans right now. Maybe you do need some space from the label (and definitely from the hatred and gatekeeping). Maybe you need to pull back from certain communities or blogs or discussions.

However, I will say that not identifying as trans may not bring the peace you desire. It may end up making you feel even more isolated. Not identifying as LGBT+ certainly didn’t help me. It was reactionary and it only made me feel like there were less spaces for me. That said, you may find peace in this. But I think the bigger action to take is to separate yourself from those who are saying harmful things more than to separate yourself from a label you feel really suits you. Use your block button liberally. Don’t force yourself to partake in spaces where gatekeeping is allowed or encouraged. Follow and listen to more people who are inclusive.

I think burnout like this is unfortunately pretty common. You do not have to force yourself to face this hatred or exhaustion because you think it’s the right thing to do. It’s okay to pull back and just take care of yourself. Just work on some self-care. Work on building up a community of people around you who don’t resort to bigotry and hatred and exorsexism and gatekeeping and identity policing. Engage only with what you can actually, honestly handle.

We will confront and move past this bigotry only by acting as a united front. The responsibility for improving things isn’t on any one person’s shoulders. And no one needs to be on the front lines 100% of the time, especially at the cost of their own wellbeing. Take care of yourself and rest now before you completely burn out and break down.

You do not have anything to prove, okay? I have both hope and faith that there is a lot more to your journey - a lot more good things and a lot more happiness and belonging. Take whatever time it is you need to help heal yourself and recover from the hurt and harassment that’s been plaguing you. You are important and you matter, much moreso than whatever label you use at whatever point in time. It will be okay.

I am here for you.

~Pluto

#mod pluto #validation #exorsexism #gatekeeping #exclusionism #long post #identity policing #self care #identity #coping #queer #lgbt #mod tera #anonymous #ask #answered #asked #nonbinary

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spiritmoony · 4 years ago

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The Loyalists, Enneagram Type Six

Positives: committed, security-oriented, engaging, responsible, reliable, hard-working, responsible, trustworthy, excellent "troubleshooters," foresee problems, foster cooperation, internally stable, self-reliant, courageously championing themselves and others, dutiful

Negatives: anxious, suspicious, defensive, evasive, complaining while stressed, cautious, indecisive, reactive, defiant, rebellious, problems with self-doubt and suspicion, fearful, pessimistic

Basic Fear: being without support and guidance

Basic Desire: security and support

Enneagram Six with a Five-Wing: "The Defender"

Enneagram Six with a Seven-Wing: "The Buddy"

Key Motivations: security, support by others, certitude, reassurance, test attitudes of others toward them, fight against anxiety and insecurity

Direction of Disintegration (stress): suddenly competitive and arrogant at Three

Direction of Integration (growth): more relaxed and optimistic, like healthy Nine

Of all the personality types, Sixes are the most loyal to their friends and to their beliefs. They will “go down with the ship” and hang on to relationships of all kinds far longer than most. Sixes are also loyal to ideas, systems, and beliefs—even to the belief that all ideas or authorities should be questioned or defied. Their beliefs may be rebellious and anti-authoritarian, even revolutionary. In any case, they will typically fight for their beliefs more fiercely than they will fight for themselves, and they will defend their community or family more tenaciously than they will defend themselves.

They are so loyal because they do not want to be abandoned and left without support—their Basic Fear. Thus, the central issue for type Six is a failure of self-confidence. Sixes come to believe that they do not possess the internal resources to handle life’s challenges and vagaries alone, and so increasingly rely on structures, allies, beliefs, and supports outside themselves for guidance to survive. If suitable structures do not exist, they will help create and maintain them.

Sixes have the most trouble contacting their own inner guidance. As a result, they do not have confidence in their own minds and judgments.

This does not mean that they do not think. On the contrary, they think—and worry—a lot! They also tend to fear making important decisions, although at the same time, they resist having anyone else make decisions for them. They want to avoid being controlled, but are also afraid of taking responsibility in a way that might put them “in the line of fire.” (The old Japanese adage that says, “The blade of grass that grows too high gets chopped off” relates to this idea.)

If Sixes feel that they have sufficient back up, they can move forward with some degree of confidence. But if that crumbles, they become anxious and self-doubting, reawakening their Basic Fear. (“I’m on my own! What am I going to do now?”) A good question for Sixes might therefore be: “When will I know that I have enough security?” Or, to get right to the heart of it, “What is security?” Without Essential inner guidance and the deep sense of support that it brings, Sixes are constantly struggling to find firm ground.

Sixes attempt to build a network of trust over a background of unsteadiness and fear. They are often filled with a nameless anxiety and then try to find or create reasons why. Wanting to feel that there is something solid and clear-cut in their lives, they can become attached to explanations or positions that seem to explain their situation. Because “belief” (trust, faith, convictions, positions) is difficult for Sixes to achieve, and because it is so important to their sense of stability, once they establish a trustworthy belief, they do not easily question it, nor do they want others to do so. The same is true for individuals in a Six’s life: once Sixes feel they can trust someone, they go to great lengths to maintain connections with the person who acts as a sounding board, a mentor, or a regulator for the Six’s emotional reactions and behavior. They therefore do everything in their power to keep their affiliations going. (“If I don’t trust myself, then I have to find something in this world I can trust.”)

"About nearly every decision would involve a council of my friends. Please make up my mind for me! Recently, I’ve narrowed my authorities to just one or two trusted friends, and on occasion, I’ve actually made up my own mind!"

Until they can get in touch with their own inner guidance, Sixes are like a ping-pong ball that is constantly shuttling back and forth between whatever influence is hitting the hardest in any given moment. Because of this reactivity, no matter what we say about Sixes, the opposite is often also as true. They are both strong and weak, fearful and courageous, trusting and distrusting, defenders and provokers, sweet and sour, aggressive and passive, bullies and weaklings, on the defensive and on the offensive, thinkers and doers, group people and soloists, believers and doubters, cooperative and obstructionistic, tender and mean, generous and petty—and on and on. It is the contradictory picture that is the characteristic “fingerprint” of Sixes, the fact that they are a bundle of opposites.

The biggest problem for Sixes is that they try to build safety in the environment without resolving their own emotional insecurities. When they learn to face their anxieties, however, Sixes understand that although the world is always changing and is, by nature uncertain, they can be serene and courageous in any circumstance. And they can attain the greatest gift of all, a sense of peace with themselves despite the uncertainties of life.

Levels of Development

Healthy:

Level 1 (At Their Best): self-affirming, trusting of self and others, independent yet symbiotically interdependent, cooperative, belief in self, courage, positive thinking, leadership, rich self-expression

Level 2: able to elicit strong emotional responses from others, very appealing, endearing, lovable, affectionate, trust, bonding with others, forming permanent relationships and alliances

Level 3: dedicated to individuals and movements they deeply believe in, community builder, responsible, reliable, trustworthy, hard-working, persevering, sacrificing for others, create stability and security in their world, bring a cooperative spirit

Average:

Level 4: investing their time/energy into whatever they believe will be safe/stable, organizing, structuring, look to alliances and authorities for security and continuity, constantly vigilant, anticipating problems

Level 5: resist having more demands made on them, react against others passive-aggressively, evasive, indecisive, cautious, procrastinating, ambivalent, highly reactive, anxious, negative, giving contradictory "mixed signals," internal confusion, react unpredictably

Level 6: compensate for insecurities by being sarcastic and belligerent, blaming others for their problems, taking a tough stance toward "outsiders," highly reactive and defensive, dividing people into friends and enemies, looking for threats to their own security, authoritarian while fearful of authority, highly suspicious, conspiratorial, fear-instilling to silence their own fears

Unhealthy:

Level 7: fearing they ruined their security, panicky, volatile, self-disparaging, acute inferiority feelings, see themselves as defenseless, seek out a stronger authority or belief to resolve all problems, highly divisive, disparaging, berating others

Level 8: feeling persecuted, others are "out to get them," lash-out, act irrationally, fanaticism, violence

Level 9: hysterical, seeking to escape punishment, self-destructive, suicidal, alcoholism, drug overdoses, self-abasing behavior, corresponds to the Passive-Aggressive and Paranoid personality disorders

Addictions: rigidity in diet causes nutritional imbalances, working excessively, caffeine and amphetamines for stamina, alcohol and depressants to deaden anxiety, higher susceptibility to alcoholism than many types

Personal Growth Recommendations

Be more present to your anxiety, explore it, and come to terms with it. Work creatively with your tensions without turning to excessive amounts of alcohol (or other drugs) to allay them. In fact, if you are present and breathing fully, anxiety can be energizing, a kind of tonic that can help make you more productive and aware of what you are doing.

You tend to get edgy and testy when you are upset or angry, and can even turn on others and blame them for things you have done or brought on yourself. Be aware of your pessimism: it causes you dark moods and negative thought patterns that you tend to project on reality. When you succumb to this self-doubt, you can become your own worst enemy and may harm yourself more than anyone else does.

Tend to overreact when they are under stress and feeling anxious. Identify what makes you overreact. Realize that almost none of the things you have feared so much has actually come true. Even if things are as bad as you think, your fearful thoughts weaken you and your ability to change things for the better. You cannot always manage external events, but you can manage your own thoughts.

Become more trusting. There are doubtless several people in your life you can turn to who care about you and who are trustworthy. If not, go out of your way to find someone trustworthy, and allow yourself to get close to that person. This will mean risking rejection and stirring up some of your deepest fears, but the risk is worth taking. You have a gift for getting people to like you, but you are unsure of yourself and may be afraid of making a commitment to them. Therefore, come down clearly on one side or the other of the fence in your relationships. Let people know how you feel about them.

Others probably think better of you than you realize, and few people are really out to get you. In fact, your fears tell you more about your attitudes toward others than they indicate about others' attitudes toward you.

#long post #Enneagram six

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ferie-anon · 4 years ago

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Hello. I saw doing it for someone else so I thought maybe you could do it for me too. Can you analyze my chart and tell me who would I get on well with from ateez I am Sun-Gemini,moon- Capricorn,mercury-cancer,Venus-Gemini,mars-taurus,Jupiter-virgo,pluto-Scorpio,Uranus/Neptune-Capricorn,Saturn-Aquarius

I’ll just do sun, moon, mercury, venus, and mars ^_^ Gemini sun and capricorn moon, you are quick-witted yet dilligent, there’s a strong disposition within your mentality, and you can make for a very executive systematic person. Your sun gemini can have many ideas and impulse, while your capricorn moon is able to put forth your thoughts and processes into action. Your mercury is in cancer, and these natives may have a emotional expressive tone to them, that others may feel inclined to easily communicate with them. Combined with your sun gem and moon cap, you may convey yourself as intuitive and sensitive, your cap moon may make you cut down to the chase/blunt so your cancer mercury may convey this thought, sometimes capriciously. Your venus is in gemini, you look/are attracted to those who bring adventure or new interesting things to your life. Gemini venus ppl value talking and getting to know their partner/close friends deeply, they also want an intriguing partner in these aspects, someone that can grasp their attention all the time through communicative smooth ways. Lastly, your mars is in taurus. Taurus mars are people who are very stable in their approaches for their goals, never seaying they have a resolute feel to them about their aspirations, patient and enduring. Temperament-wise, taurus mars rarely get mad as they manage to stay calm by suppressing or enduring emotions, and can push for their thoughts better than some, ex: when they have something to say they will initiate it, though it won’t be in a flashy/dramatic way. And taurus is a fixed sign, having it in the mars can create a stubborn attitude towards the world and actions/execution, in a good and bad way.

In Ateez.... your match is san!

San is compatible not only cuz “he’s literally the member that stands out or catches people’s interest” with a lot of reasons atinies are aware of lol. His dancing and expressiveness of music and passion visible, San’s personality and overall feel of music and emotions are conveyed as a bright ray of sunshine peaking through with full force but sometimes will form clouds to shield you from the blinding rays. San is naturally caring, loves to give affection to his close ones, and overall has an understanding nature within him. He is a cancer sun, and I think he would match well with your personality, or maybe the word is balance or fill out what you need/lack. You as a gemini sun and cap moon, internally yearn for someone to love them when in the romantic aspect, to understand them or someone that shares their warmth with you. With his cancer sun, he is easily able to interpret emotions by feel, so even if you try to mask your sadness or emotions, San will just know. At first meeting, San thinks you’re intelligent and mature, admiration was soon followed by curiousity and something more. You were just someone who wants to be figured out or found out, and curiousity embellished in both of you guys, an inner connection is formed.

San’s moon is in taurus, similarly both of you guys have a calm demeanor. San with his placement, may feel easier to assert his thoughts and actions at his own pace/conditions, yet taurus moon sometimes dislike stepping out of his comfort zone. Whereas, you feel it is easier to assert your actions and goals when you decide to do so/set your mind to it. You both have a realistic attitude, yet the difference remains in how each of you projects it. San with his taurus moon, may project his realistic nature in a more down to earth way or digestable way, something like “life will always have obstacles or you can’t always avoid everything,” is how San may convey his mindset to others and himself and then put his motivation forward to work through it. I think with capricorn moon(you) are a bit more blunt about it, like you may know the responsibilities and prioritize the important stuff to you, yet I think you may be harsher about it towards yourself. It’s sorta like capricorn moons just had to deal with it or knew they had to deal with responsibilities, so I feel like you may have that suppressed thought of naturally forced to take on responsibility without mentally prepared, professional attitude born out of a survival instinct. San can be a pillar of support, someone to tell you that you don’t have to push yourself too hard, or maybe there for you after a long day or a stressful moment. A moment where you could feel vulnerable, without having to shelter your emotions. You two would have a healthy mental chemistry together.

His mercury is in... leo~ People with this placement have a sunny disposition or very energetic way of communicating, sorta like ppl with infectious smiles that causes others to smile along, similarly San could cheer up anyone or make them laugh with his humor and words. Or just by being himself, San :P. Your mercury is in cancer, and I think you two would be endearing and passionate when communicating, well it’s more of San being super hyper every time with you, but his hyperness and energy puts your cancer mercury to comfort or relaxed when talking with him. I think particularly you need someone that is similar but a bit opposite of your form of communication. Ex: bright enthusiasm/willing to listen and actively engage with your thoughts/conversations is wut appeals to you. Leo mercuries are sorta the opposite of mellowness, yet they may seem more open or less distant so it allows others to feel less awkward. Your warm communication with San’s vivid/artistic communication get along well, you both appreciate each other and listen intently. San would be your cheerleader, while you could be his caretaker 🐥.

San’s venus is in leo! Leo venuses love with their HEART. Most leo venuses love gifting their partner, or just really showers with love for them. They usually compliment them a lot or always with them seeking attention, loyally cuddly. Your gemini venus feels intrigued by San’s lovable ways and creative romantic ways. Leo venuses always has something to surprise their s/o with, and it’s usually very touching and romantic. Your gemini venus feels always in a rosy atmosphere with San’s leo venus ^^. You both have similar needs in a relationship, genuine feelings and communications/connecting. Leo venuses dislike fake admiration and love, and gemini venus people don’t want people that shut off communciation from them. San can provide you with the attention and conversations any day, each time with sparkling eyes and heart eyes during an engaging convo. San also appreciates you being real, willing to talk about things deeply and your affection shown through your words, you both feel a mutual chemistry and genuine adoration towards each other within this aspect. I feel like you both would be the couple video games/games, while San’s half playing the console and half hugging you and you’re beating him in the game at the same time lol.

Next up, his mars is in scorpio. San is determined, goal driven with passion for the things he loves to do/interests. It also shows in his attitude towards initiating his motives, scorpio mars allows him to be more assertive and have a keen sense of what he desires and executes it. Scorpio mars people are actually quite selfless/would do a lot for their partner once in love, like once you have their trust they put their faith in you. Your taurus mars similarly values loyalty and trust, someone to stay and have faith in you as well as be faithful. You both would bond easily, desiring and fulfilling each other’s values, and retain similar mindsets as both scorpio and taurus are fixed signs aka adept at being stable and pursuing the goals/ideas/opinions of themselves. In this aspect, trust really is important and inhabited here.

Overall, I think you two have an uncanny connection, whether emotionally or in a physical action, there seems to be a mutual comprehension of each other present here. Unsaid thoughts and emotions left interpreted by the other, you two sorta feel like lost birds that found their nest. Probs the couple everyone admires at their chemistry and love. Ppl would envy the natural and just pleasant pure affectionate look you two give off when interacting~

#ask #ateez #astrology kpop ships #san

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trylonandperisphere · 5 years ago

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ASK POLLY APR. 1, 2020

‘I Don’t Think I Can Handle 18 Months of Isolation’

By Heather Havrilesky

Hi Polly.

So the world’s falling apart. I’m seeing quotes from experts that predict this will go on for 18 months or more. I don’t think I can stand the stress and isolation all that time. I have mental-health challenges, so I think I might crack. And I’m not sure our infrastructure can endure it either. I have a medical condition that’s stable and doesn’t put me in danger of COVID-19. However, I worry the strain on the health-care system will take away my treatment, leading to a slow death. And then there are the usual worries about things like food. Will the supply chains hold up six months or a year from now? How do you see all this happening and not start looking for an exit? I’m willing to admit that I’m weak or entitled. People around the world deal with this all the time. I don’t think I have it in me. How do I find some strength and hope?

Feeling Weak

Dear Feeling Weak,

On any day of your life, a million terrible things could happen. Every morning, you have to force all of the awful possibilities out of your mind. You do this because there is no alternative.

I’ve always been a very fearful person. I’ve always been sensitive to the fragility of the human body and the myriad ways lives can be ripped apart. My dad died when I was 25 years old, and it made me even more fearful. Then I had a baby.

Imagining all of the bad things that could happen to the baby almost sent me over the edge. I felt like someone had removed my liver and now I had to hand my liver over to other people, and ask them not to drop it or neglect it.

One day I came home, and my husband was holding my liver in one hand while stirring a boiling pot with his other hand, all the while talking to my stepson in an animated, cheerful fashion.

I freaked out. “You are going to kill me,” I said. “Calm down,” he said. “Stop being so overdramatic.”

My heart started racing even more (Pro tip: The words “calm down” are never calming!), but I washed my hands and then took the baby away from my husband. And then through gritted teeth, I said something like this: “You are going to listen to me very closely. Don’t talk. Just listen. I am in a very, very particular, unfamiliar, fragile place. I have never felt this way before. I’m going to have to describe it to you. You are going to have to listen. You do not have to understand or believe that I am remotely sane. You can continue to believe that I am irrational. But if you do not listen closely and respect and honor my needs around this fragile feeling, this marriage will end. Period. This is not negotiable.”

I wasn’t someone who threatened to end my marriage, ever, just to be clear about that. I needed to communicate clearly that we were on perilous terrain.

We retreated to the bedroom and talked for a long time. I told him what I needed in order to raise a baby with him. He told me the reasons he thought I was nuts. I told him that I was fine with him thinking I was nuts. He could continue to do that. Of course my views were not utterly rational. Rational was not the point. Calming down was not the point. He needed to understand how high the stakes were for me. Even if there was a .0001 chance that my baby would drop into the boiling water, the stakes were too high for me to endure those odds. He didn’t have to understand my feelings, he just had to operate as if he had the same feelings, for my sake.

It took a lot of persuasive talk, and tears, to get my husband on my side. It was exhausting. But by the end of our talk, my husband got it. He agreed to behave in ways that were guided by high stakes and my irrational feelings and to never say the words “Calm down” to a woman whose liver you’re holding. And if ALL OF THAT sounds nuts to you, that’s okay. These were the conditions I knew I required in order to raise a baby with someone who was more careless than I was in every way. These were the things I needed in order to share a house with this man and trust him to raise a family with me.

After that, I felt better. And my husband never told me to calm down when I described the toddlers who get left in the car or run over by a clueless grandparent backing out of the driveway. He took on the low-odds possibilities until he was worrying about them himself. I turned him into a slightly neurotic, hyperaware parent. I formed him into a seismograph, in my image. Call it twisted, I don’t give a fuck. It worked. We were aligned. We fought less. We kept our kids relatively safe from harm. Maybe we became obnoxious. Maybe we were paranoid. I still don’t care. I didn’t feel alienated and alone in my marriage, because I dared to get very, very specific about my needs.

And once I knew I had someone on my side, I started to calm the fuck down. I made a resolution to keep all of the looming threats in mind without INTERNALIZING and VISUALIZING and LOSING SLEEP OVER the millions of ways a baby could die or become injured. Any time I went from safeguarding my kids to picturing something awful happening to them, I learned to stop myself.

Doing your best to avoid disaster is practical. Repeatedly imagining disaster, on the other hand, is wildly impractical. Once I realized how jittery and anxious I was feeling, I steadfastly refused to indulge my imagination when it came to my baby. I resolved not to become a pile of nerves quivering on the floor. I wanted to breathe and feel happiness and survive parenting without being transformed into a shadow of my former self. I wanted my kids to be aware of danger but not paralyzed by fear at all times.

Mistakes have been made, that goes without saying. But the decision to never fixate on terrifying outcomes when it came to my kids was very important. I could still fixate on bad outcomes FOR ME. But that was (and is) a world apart from doing it about my kids. Eventually I didn’t have to try anymore. The second I pictured something terrible, it was just: NO. CAN’T.

Everyone is different. Everyone experiences different conditions as threatening or scary or paralyzingly awful. We all have to respect these differences while relentlessly standing up for our own needs and asking for exactly what we want from the people who are closest to us. That means becoming a tiny bit shameless, I should add. It took a shameless amount of assertiveness and belief in my own particular sensitivities as a seismograph to ask my husband to behave as if he, too, were a seismograph. I had to get very specific. I also had to let go of the need to be right and seem rational. I had to own my role as the Chicken Little of the family.

“Pretend the sky is falling with me,” I told my husband, and he did. It was an act of love and solidarity. I was so grateful for it. It kept us glued together at a vulnerable time, when we could’ve fallen apart for good. I didn’t have to hate myself for being a chickenshit or a seismograph. I could relax because someone was on my side.

That story probably feels pretty divorced from your circumstances, but it’s not. For you to feel comfortable safeguarding yourself while also refusing to fixate on the millions of horrible outcomes that could befall you specifically and all of us generally, you need to stand up for the particulars of your mental health. You need to look closely at your specific emotional challenges as a human being, and you need to say: This is how it feels for me. I feel like I want to find an exit. I feel like I can’t survive this. I feel like I am not strong enough.

Here’s the suicide hotline for anyone who’s been feeling that way: 1-800-273-8255. Commit to reaching out to someone when you’re feeling bad. Everyone is struggling right now. We’re all in the same boat at some level. It’s important to understand that moments of extreme darkness will come and go, and things could get a million times worse and still be survivable. Put your faith in human connection: It makes all the difference.

If you have close friends or a partner or a family member who can listen to you describe your very specific Chicken Little–flavored needs and desires and align themselves with you, and show solidarity for your (sometimes irrational!) experiences of what this moment means, then call that person or those people. Open up to them, and explain your needs, and get them to understand.

But let’s be clear: Finding people who will join you where you are is very, very hard. It’s hard for all of us, always. If it feels impossible? Guess what? You’re not alone. Try your best. And if/when that fails, I want you to write everything down for you, until you clearly comprehend who you are and where you are and how you’re feeling right now.

This is not about descending into darkness in any permanent way, mind you. This is simply about painting a picture that someone else might understand, a persuasive portrait of how you’re experiencing this moment. This is you saying to yourself: YOU ARE HOLDING MY LIVER OVER A BOILING POT OF WATER. This is you crying and telling yourself: I DON’T KNOW IF I CAN DO THIS. DO YOU FUCKING GET THAT?

This is you making your needs crystal clear. This is you standing up for who you are, without shame. Does that really matter, all alone in your apartment as the world crumbles around you? YES, IT DOES.

This is you saying: I deserve to have my needs met. Think about all of the times you were treated like your needs were irrational, like you needed to calm down and shut the fuck up, like you needed to stop being so in the way, so inconvenient, so absurd, so laughable, such a wreck. I’ll bet you can think of a lot of examples.

Use this moment to get your own back. Take this opportunity to say to yourself: I don’t fucking care if I’m fragile and irrational. I’m going to honor my needs without shame.

Don’t skip this step, even if it seems beside the point. Honor your needs, without shame. That’s number one.

Number two is: Protect yourself. Take very good care of yourself. Feed yourself well, exercise, get plenty of rest. Stay aware of the threats so you can do your best to avoid those threats. Put energy into making yourself feel as healthy and resilient as possible.

Number three is: Resolve not to fixate on the millions of terrifying possibilities you cannot control. You can make this choice now because your peculiar needs matter. Remember? You’re honoring your needs without shame now. One of your needs is this: Avoiding the terror here. You said it to me for a reason: You aren’t strong enough to hold these terrors inside your head for 18 months. So don’t do it.

Are you strong enough to survive for 18 months in isolation? Yes, you are. You’re strong enough as long as you’re honoring even your most irrational needs without shame, being very safe and careful in areas that are within your control, and letting go of all of the circumstances beyond your control, as in banishing them from your fucking head permanently.

Cormac McCarthy’s The Road (Read it if bleakness makes you feel stronger. If not? DO NOT READ.) is about a man who’s struggling to survive in a post-apocalyptic world. As the man and his son travel south toward the ocean, looking for food and shelter, the man tries hard to avoid big questions and unknowns that might threaten his ability to survive. Because he has a boy to take care of, he becomes extremely practical. He protects his boy and he keeps moving forward, no matter what. There’s a sense of calm beauty underneath the horror of every word McCarthy writes. Showing up for whatever comes next is beautiful. You don’t have to be a hero. You just keep moving.

I probably wouldn’t have sat my husband down and insisted that my irrational view was going to need to be honored, back when we first had a baby together, if I weren’t convinced that our ability to raise a baby and stay together depended on it. It took something bigger than myself to force me to finally stand up for my very specific needs and persuade another, very skeptical human being to hear me out and get my back.

Today, you’ve been faced with a challenge that’s much bigger than any challenge you’ve faced before. The stakes are high. This enormous calamity dwarfs you and exists outside your thoughts and feelings completely. You have to treat yourself with extreme care under these conditions. This is an opportunity for you to finally stand up for what you need at every level, in a very concentrated and intense way that is fully justifiable and concrete. This is a chance for you to design a map that you can use to navigate this disaster and every other disaster to follow this one, guided by your very irrational, specific desires. This is your time to learn to blot out the parts of the world that are just too gigantic and out of your control for you to metabolize, and focus on what you can actually control and have influence over instead. You have to avoid big questions and keep moving forward. You’re about to achieve a sense of mastery over your life and your understanding of yourself, while letting go of what you can’t control in a permanent way. These high stakes are a blessing disguised as a curse. Take this blessing.

What sustains you? What can you create, every day, to bring you life, to build up your strength? What beauty is lurking underneath these terrors? As Ranier Maria Rilke wrote, “No feeling is final.”

The path before you is simple. You wake up in the morning and you put Chopin: Nocturnes in your headphones and you look for joy. You embrace every tiny glint of beauty and every scrap of hope hiding in this small, enclosed life. You surrender to the reality of this “borrowed time and borrowed world and borrowed eyes with which to sorrow it,” as Cormac McCarthy put it. You eat this divine silence, this dark longing, this lonely sweetness, this solitary dread. You sit in your quiet garden and welcome the weather, good or bad. No feeling is final. You are strong enough.

Polly

#ask polly #heather havrilesky #advice #mental health #self care #personal essays #corona virus #coronavirus #covid-19 #isolation #sars-cov-2 #pandemic #this is deep y'all

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sandracarroll · 4 years ago

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A L L I S O N C L O V E R S A N D R A C A R R O L L . twenty-two teamaker. chicago, il. psychedelics/coke dealer. tramp. dropped angel.

cw: maternal death, sexual coercion, frequent drug mentions.

“SANDY CARROLL” --- formerly known as allison clover --- grew up in the underbelly of chicago, raised by a fatally over-protective single mother, who tried to shield her daughter from the grit and grime that covered every square inch of their community.

as a child, allison was kept busy at all costs, distracted by a wallpapering of catholicism from the influence of her peers and the sordid history of her family. she was brought up in the church; she socialized primarily within the church’s community, she played on the church’s softball team, she participated in the church’s charity events and she helped organize the church’s fundraisers.

the clovers ran an online business selling homemade incense, candles, and teabags from herbs and spices grown right in their apartment. it was just enough to help keep the lights on when her mother’s job at the plant nursery couldn’t cut it. this is to say: a young, naive allison wouldn’t have much in realm of inheritance when she would need it.

shortly after ally’s 18th birthday, her mother was killed in an assault.

gang initiation. body mutilated. her teenage daughter had to identify the corpse.

the tragedy shattered allison’s eden. she woke up to the nihilistic nature of the world, in which good people can die with no rhyme or reason. it showed her the true nature of the modern christian and their shortcomings in practicing what they preach. in the wake of ms. clover, the church community offered allison their prayers and platitudes, but no one in their impoverished community had a dime to spare or room on their couches when allison needed a place to stay. every bystander assumed someone else would step up to take care of her.

emotionally distraught and disappointed in her paper thin support system, ally stopped sticking around after mass and isolated herself from the community, eventually opting not to attend altogether.

the scraps of wealth she had left after paying for a catholic funeral would not help her afford the rent. her underwhelming resume would not be enough to get her a job to support herself. with too much grief to handle working two minimum-wage gigs--- with her mother deeply estranged from the rest of their family--- with her long history of being isolated from her neighbors--- she had nowhere to turn when she was evicted.

her naivete and lack of options paved allison’s way to falling in with a bad crowd. her first night at a local shelter, she was recognized outside by a shaggy boy from her graduating class. immediately trusting, she opened up to him about her situation and vulnerability, and he was all too quick to offer her a place to stay until she got back on her feet. she never stopped to question his character or intentions.

she was fast to fall in with the boy and his band of delinquents, which she would later understand to be a gang deeply involved in several webs of drug trafficking in the city. her sheltered upbringing left her unprepared to notice red flags, and her gullibility made it easy for the kids to take advantage of her on the grounds of offering her bedrooms to stay in and spotting her meals in her hard time. when offerings of basic human necessities turned into talking her into smoking with them and bringing her along to parties, it wasn’t hard for them to pressure her into using her inexperienced body to show appreciation for their hospitality.

catholic guilt went head-to-head with disillusioned catholic angst, both raging inside her head with feelings of physical violation she didn’t have the wisdom to identify. in the midst of the chaos, she developed a taste for the escapism. she preferred to live in the haze of inebriation and work out her conflicts of spirituality with mushrooms rather than face her situation or her grief. but she didn’t realize she was running up a tab with her friends.

from a peer’s perspective, she picked up on their culture fast. learned the slang and the technique. gave off the impression of someone who knew what she was getting into when they started sending her to drop off and pick up at college campuses, and when she was smoking herself into debts she’d never be able to repay.

after ignoring the scarier and grittier aspects of the new friends she’d made for a year, and then upsetting them when she started avoiding sex— depriving her friends of their payment— things came to a head after a traumatic trip on DMT, a vision of her disappointed mother sent her into a serious crisis of faith and a fear that her sins were becoming unforgivable, which prompted her choice to branch out to people other than the dealers she was wasting her youth with.

when the ghouls started getting insulted by her pulling away, one of her lovers let her know that she still owed them for all that they had provided for her, and when she stood her ground and put a lock on what they wanted, he told her she owed them at least $4,000 for their troubles before they would let her scurry away.

in a cold sweat for finding that kind of money in the near future and feeling a serious threat to her safety at the mercy of a gang, she opted instead to commit one last sin in the form of stealing a suitcase and backpack of drugs from the trap house and taking a bus as far out of illinois as she could go.

she started going by the new name SANDRA CARROLL, and planned to keep moving and sell the stash of psychedelics to keep her afloat until she could start using her legal name again and get a law-abiding job. she tried to go to hipster bars and college parties, looking for less dangerous people to pick her up as a sugar baby and give her a couch to sleep on until she was far enough and emotionally stable enough to take care of herself.

the panic attacks and paranoia made it hard for her to nail a trustworthy hookup, but she found a way to survive by couch surfing at a state university in kentucky. the low threat level and high libido of clients on a college campus makes it easier for sandra to deal, especially to inexperienced freshmen who were too insecure about playing it cool to ask questions when she hiked up her selling prices. it was a perfect environment hustle free food and beds to sleep in, and she could have stayed afloat there for long enough to let her trail run cold, find a new social circle, and eventually even heal.

that is, until she spotted one of the gang members looking for her at a party.

sandy wound up packing up her things that night to flee to a remote place she’d heard about, in the countryside of north carolina, serene and inexpensive, far away from signals or surveillance, in a quaint little camp town called wrenbury.

(( TL;DR: sheltered church girl is ill-prepared and too naive to survive on her own when her mother dies unexpectedly; she falls in with a gang and loses control of her expenses and her body; steals an enormous stash of cocaine and psychedelic drugs and flees chicago, going by a false name and dealing to stay just barely afloat. spent the last year dorm-surfing on a college campus before coming to wrenbury. lives in fear of her ex and his gang who are still looking for her. haunted by the specter of her mother, imagining she is devastated to see how far her harlot daughter has fallen from grace. ))

> PERSONALITY / FAST FACTS.

pleasant. gentle. hazy. airy. strange. erratic. passive. flighty. compassionate, but unreliable.

the usual refrain you’ll hear is, “SHE’S NOT ‘ALL THERE.’” sandra mostly comes across as dreamy or dazed out. you might assume that extreme levels of stress and substance abuse have fried her brain, and she might agree with you, but don’t be so sure. there is a part of her that prefers to buy into that story and assure herself that she’s too disconnected with reality to process it. and she’s willing to stay as high as a hot air balloon to make it convincing.

she zones in and out during conversation, absent-mindedly wanders into places she shouldn’t be while lost in thought, and tends to lose track of time or forget important things, like curfews or notices of restricted areas. she has a mind that can muse a mile a minute, and she tries to keep it busy with innocuous thought tangents about what type of flower a person would be, rather than focusing to what the person tells her about the latest murder, for fear of ruining her vibes and falling into a panicked spiral.

she grows flowers, spices, and herbal plants all over her cabin, taking advantage of the rustic life to relive her childhood of making homemade teas and incense. she has yet to ask if marnie and regina mind all of the aromas and dirt she brings into their common area.

she views sex as something that’s casually transactional. might get confused or even suspicious if you do her a favor without accepting a lay in return.

wrenbury and its glitching borders have fanned the flame of her lack of faith in her own sanity, and made her unsure of what to believe with regards to the killers. she tries to take the word of the townspeople over her fellow campers.

the kind of person who you might see sway-dancing like a twin peaks character, stopping in her tracks to stare at a caterpillar on a tree trunk, sticking her hand out of a moving car’s window and surfing it in the breeze, or praying only when she thinks no one’s looking---and if you look close, you might catch a tear streaming down her face while she does so.

she still has a trace of purity to her that most people don’t pick up on until they outright find out about her religious upbringing. she comes off as an eccentric wallflower sitting in a circle with the stoners at a party; not unfriendly, but not the person to start the conversation; doesn’t instigate the orgy but she certainly keeps up. innocent but not inexperienced. very good at maintaining lucidity just long enough to escape any witnesses when she’s having a bad trip.

some sandy carroll pinterest boards created by myself and my friends: (i), (ii), (iii), (iv).

> WANTED CONNECTIONS.

friends, especially people with easygoing personalities. someone who can make her feel comfortable enough to have more sober conversations. people who buy from her (she’s currently carrying cocaine, ecstasy, and acid). enemies (could be on the grounds of sandy being twee, inconsiderate, or a liability). a disinterested person for her to have a crush on even though they wouldn’t notice if she was hacked up by one of the killers. a kinder person with a crush on her that she’ll never pick up on.

hookups~ sandy is pansexual and doesn’t realize that she’s been traumatized by years of sexual coercion, so she consents to a lot of bad ideas, and is still conditioned into the mindset that it’s something you use to pay gratitude to people for being nice to you.

someone she met from the college she was squatting at, especially if they’re a hippie who brought up wrenbury when they were having a stoned dorm room conversation about wanting to move off the grid.

someone, either from or hired by the gang, who was sent to track her down and collect her debt and is now trapped in wrenbury with her 👀 :GRIM_REAPER_EMOJI:

#finalgirlintro

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luthcrbornarchive · 5 years ago

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𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑎𝑟𝑒 𝑐𝑜𝑟𝑑𝑖𝑎𝑙𝑙𝑦 𝑖𝑛𝑣𝑖𝑡𝑒𝑑 𝑡𝑜 𝑡ℎ𝑒 𝑏𝑖𝑛𝑑𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑜𝑓

𝒦𝒶𝓇𝒶 𝒵ℴ𝓇-ℰ𝓁 & ℒℯ𝓃𝒶 𝒦𝒾ℯ𝓇𝒶𝓃 ℒ𝓊𝓉𝒽ℴ𝓇

(Ceremony under cut)

Written by; @luthcrborn & @kryptcnborn ( on 6.22.19)

Finally, the Ceremony was set to begin, the guest began preparing themselves just an hour before, arrived thirty minutes prior to sunset. The setting was beautiful, a small simple wood arch way with a white chiffon hanging off of it, sat on the sand of the villa’s private beach. Lanterns lined up all down the sand towards the arch on each side of the aisle. Three chairs on either side of the aisle. Each one of the friends they considered family seated, Winn, Brainy and Nia on one side; Eliza, Alex and Lillian on the other. James, standing as he captured pictures, J’onn and Arakan El in the middle of the arch way. Arakan El, the small white samoyed puppy with a black bow tied to his collar, sits patiently for his moms. The fur son that had been the first steps in Kara and Lena’s life to becoming a family here to witness the two making it official, watched in awe with everyone as both woman came down the aisle one at a time.

Both women meeting at the bottom of the aisle, caused the small ball of white fluff to tug forward towards his parents earning a small chuckle from the blonde bride and a couple of their guests. The small laughter had Lena’s eyes finally move from it’s long gaze on Kara to upon the fur ball. Watching as Kara bent down to take his lead running her fingers through his soft fur her extremities tease at the little bow tie straightening it on his collar then tapping the floor. Lena’s smile never left as her attention shifted back to J’onn, the samoyed sliding forward on his front paws to lay between his mothers in the middle of the aisle as Kara come to stand beside Lena once again she offered J’onn an apologetic smile allowing him to start conducting the ceremony he was overjoyed and honored to be officiating.

With a smile, J’onn begins,

❝ Today we gathered together to bare witness to the binding of Kara Zor-El and Lena Kieran Luthor. With great reverence, came together to celebrate the love and devotion shared by these two children of the stars, Kara of Krypton and Lena of Earth, who stand before us. We are especially blessed to be joined today as a family, we may be of different blood, different planets but we all share one thing, our love for these two souls before us. Who I speak for in this moment of saying are honored you could be here to participate in this most important moment in their lives. May I say how grateful I am to be able to share this day with the two of you, honored to be the one to bind you both together today and for all eternity under the watchful eyes of our gods both yours and mine.

In the past traditions of these ceremonies were conducted to bind one to another without love, we are lucky enough to break those traditions with ones who are no more deserving than these two before us, who couldn’t be in more love with each other. It is this tradition that a blessing is offered in support of this ceremony. Blessed be this binding with the gifts of stars. Communication of the heart, mind and body. Fresh beginnings with the rising of each sun. The knowledge of growth found in the sharing of silences. Blessed this binding with the gifts of the sun. Warmth of hearth and home. The heat of the hearts passion. The light created by both to illuminate the darkest of times. Blessed to be this binding with the gifts of the moon. The deep commitments of the lake. The swift excitement of the river. All the encompassing passion of the sea. Blessed be this binding with the gifts of the earth. Firm foundation on which to build. Fertility of the fields to enrich your lives. Stable home to which you may always return. Each of these blessings emphasizes those things which will help you build a happy successful binding. Yet they are only tools. Tools which you must use together in order to create what you seek in this binding.

Over the course of their relationship, Kara and Lena have developed a strong bond based on shared values and mutual respect. With a solid foundation from which to grow. They have made the decision to take the binding oath and spend the rest of their lives together.

Let us revel in the joy and love on display here today. May we treasure these memories as Kara and Lena, under the sun and moon, get set to begin their new life together.

Binding is a sacred and serious tradition, it is also cause for tremendous joy. Married life is full of surprises, adventures and memory-making –all made possible by the enduring power of love. When Kara and Lena finalize this binding, they will begin a new life of partnership, one defined by shared hopes, dreams and successes.

Kara and Lena, as you learn to live as one; you will encounter many challenges that can help you grow. Spend time doing things that make life precious -cooperate with each other, always make time to laugh together, and never lose appreciation for the love that you share. Remember, too, to adhere to the vows that you will make today. They say love can build bridges and climb mountains –and they’re right. You will find that as it grows and matures over time, your love for another will prove both fulfilling and empowering. Seek strength in each other, give hope to each other and let your trails help you grow. Always remember, El Mayarah, stronger together.

There will always be challenges in life, but the strength of your bond will offer you protection against life’s storms. Always make your relationship a priority and continue to nurture each other. Through a commitment to love, and with the power of faith, together you will be able to navigate obstacles that come your way.

Under the sun and the moon, I solemnly bear witness to these matrimonial proceedings. I will now finalize the sacred covenant you both enter into on this day.

The rite of binding is an ancient institution, an important ritual that binds two people together for the rest of their days. Today, as you form this union, you’re choosing to take a vow that is as sacred today as it was to your ancestors.

Now you will feel no rain, for each of you will be shelter for the other. Now you will feel no cold, for each of you will be warmth to the other. Now there will be no loneliness, for each of you will be companion to the other. Treat yourselves and each other with respect and remind yourselves often of what brought you together. Give the highest priority to the tenderness, gentleness and kindness that your connection deserves. When frustration, difficulty and fear assail your relationship; as they threaten all relationships at one time or another, remember to focus on what is right between you, not only the part which seems wrong. In this way, you can ride out the storms when clouds hide the face of the sun in your lives, remembering that even if you lose sight of it for a moment, the sun is still there. And if each of you takes responsibility for the quality of your life together, it will be marked by abundance and delight.

Kara and Lena, I invite you to express your sacred vows to another. please face each other as you declare these vows before the stars and in the presence of your family. ❞

Kara took a deep breath as the man she saw as a father indicated for her to speak, she had been secretly rehearsing this moment in their bathroom mirror for weeks going over and over in stolen moments when her fiance had been at the office or even sleeping in their bed. She would recite the words in the hope that this exact moment would be perfect yet now as her shining moment arrived Karas’ heart thumped hard enough she believed it could burst through her chest. Hands trembled as her vows ran wild in her head knowing she needed to try and get them out in a way that would be coherent enough for the woman who stood beside her and all of their loved ones to hear and understand clearly.

tears had already started to well in blue eyes closing them for only a second her gaze returning towards J’onn who stood before them giving a reassuring nod that she was ready. Turning towards the love of her life, the woman that was starting this new journey of their lives with her. Eyes had only just dried from watching Lena walk down the aisle the straightening of Arakan Els’ bow tie barely enough time to allow herself a little composure before allowing J’onn to commence with the ceremony. Her heart twisted as the fear she had felt for weeks instantly lifted from her shoulders ‘she was here and they really were doing this’ if this was a dream Kara never wanted to wake up. gulping back the lump in her throat as her gaze locked on bright greens, emeralds sparkling in the natural hues of bright orange and shades of pink filling the sky from the setting sun above them. trembling hands reach out for dainty extremities teasing their fingers together her nerves more than obvious to the brunette she tried to find comfort in their connection to calm her nerves. Closing her eyes once again she allowed herself to take in another deep breath, she could feel the warm sand below her feet and between her toes slowly counting to three then opening her eyes once again meet the gaze that she loved show much really taking a moment to get lost them in. confidence growing in her stomach as all of her fears and nerves slowly lift becoming replaced with excitement.

❝ I may be a writer but i’m not really good at this. ❞ she laughed softly the statement bringing a smile to her lips that had previously been worried by her teeth. she could hear a couple of laughs following her words and a soft sniff but her full attention stays locked on Lena offering her a playful smile as her thumb traces lines across porcelain skin. ❝ let me start by saying thank you for showing up. watching you walk down the aisle took my breath away. ❞ Kara words were shaky and honest. ❝ I am really happy that you didn’t leave me standing here alone as that would’ve been really awkward. ❞ she beamed with a bright hopeful smile at the now lighthearted joke her grip around her soon to be wifes’ fingers giving a reassuring squeeze pausing for a moment her bright features falling into a more serious expression Kara found herself lost in Lena’s gaze.

❝ Lena, when my planet was destroyed i was the last daughter of house El. I spent 24 years in a pocket of space where time stood still, i was completely alone. I didn’t know if I was ever going to leave and the feeling of being stuck there for the rest of eternity scared me. I longed for my lost home, for the family that i had left behind. When i arrived on this planet i’d never have thought i would be where I am today. As you know I was adopted by a wonderful family and everyday I thank rao that they were so kind to me. it wasn’t easy, i wasn’t easy yet they never gave up on me or stopped trying to make me feel like I belonged on this planet, with them. Even with their efforts and kind offerings I still felt lost, felt like a part of me was missing and that I didn’t belong here on this planet. ——— I was wrong. The moment I stepped into your office I was dumbstruck, mystified by the strongest, most brilliant, kind hearted, beautiful soul i had ever seen. It felt like every star in the sky had aligned when I first saw you and from then on i knew that I would never feel stuck or alone again. I found my best friend, my soulmate, the woman that I knew I wanted to share the rest of my life on this or any planet in all of the galaxies with. my planet was destroyed but that wasn’t the end of Krypton or house El it was a new beginning a new adventure and future that needed to be explored and I can’t wait to explore them with you. ❞

there is a shake in her voice and Kara pauses as a tear rolls down her cheeks, she feels naked like she is laying her soul bare for Lena and their closest friends to see. ❝ Lena Kieran Luthor, I promise that no matter how many times I go off to save a kitten from a tree, stop a bank robbery or save the city that I will come home to you. I promise you that no matter how many times you may find yourself falling i will catch you. that even in our toughest moments i will love you. I can’t promise you that this planet will always be kind to us but I can promise that anything it throws our way we will tackle and fight it together because even though we have the most super friends and family, you and I are our own team. There is no one I would rather have stood by my side than you. I love you. Surrounded by all the people we love in our lives i am thankful to be making these promises to you. to have you become my wife, my bounded partner. thank you for choosing me and agreeing to share this journey with me. ❞ It takes every ounce of self control not to launch herself into the crystal clear ocean or run back down the warm sandy aisle she can’t fight the tears that have been threatening to drown her cheeks since the moment she laid her eyes on her fiance.

Lena had been in awe since the moment she saw her soon to be wife at the end of the aisle. How she seemed to beam so elegantly with the gentle breeze brushing through her hair and the way the setting sun hit her so beautifully. It was difficult to take her eyes off her, so she didn’t. Not for a moment. As the beautiful words fell from the blonde’s lips, their hands in each others. Emerald hues once holding in tears finally over flown, allowing tears to stream down each side of her cheeks. For a moment her fingers slipped from the other’s wiping the falling tears from her cheek, slipping extremities into Kara’s once more, tightening the hold of their hands. A heavy breath fell from behind her lips in attempt to collect herself.

Every word had been more beautiful than the last, it left the Luthor speechless she nearly forgot it had been her turn to speak. Suddenly her heart felt as it was beating a million times a minute and there were butterflies in her stomach. She was a good speaker, spoke in public often but this was nerve wracking.

Her bottom lip curled under her teeth biting against the flesh, the moment of silence between them had grown longer than anticipated before finally she allowed her lips to part, eyes to focus only on the woman in front of her as if she was the only one around.

❝ Kara Zor-El……from the moment I laid eyes on you I knew you were special, and I don’t mean the abilities you have or the planet you are from but the simple fact that you have the kindest of hearts and see the good in people even when others don’t, especially for a Luthor, from that moment I knew I needed you in my life. ❞ There was a crack in her voice, finding it hard to remember the words she had written over and over again. The words she had rewritten countless of times trying to make it the best she knew her fiance deserved. ❝ Before you, I have never felt true love and I had been surrounded by lies and manipulation but from the moment you stepped in to my life I finally knew what it meant to love. I learned how to trust people and what it meant for people to trust me. I have learned to respect myself outside of a family name, to believe in myself and allow myself to feel where in the past I feared what those feelings would do. You have always brought out the best in me, it’s what I love about you. You bring out the best in people without compromising yourself. The passion you have towards the world and those in it speaks volumes and I can not help but stand in awe how someone with such a big heart can love all of me. There is not one part of you I would change, from the way your blue eyes light up when you smile, to the crinkle between your brows when you are so focused on a task or to the way you laugh, truly laugh with amusement. I love the strength you have when fight for something you believe in. With or without your powers I love you, I know I can not bring back those you lost when Krypton fell but I promise for as long as I live I will make sure you never feel that pain again. I promise when you face the world I will be right at your side facing it with you. I promise to always love, respect, honor and trust you, and give you the best of myself, for I know together we will build a life far better than either of us could imagine alone.❞ In this moment, she felt her heart swell with over loading emotions for the woman in front of her. Wanting nothing more than to lean forward and share a kiss with Kara. It had truly been the longest time she had gone without kissing her fiance when the need arose.

❝ I choose you Kara Zor-El, I will choose you over and over, without pause,without doubt. I’ll keep choosing you. I’d give up everything I have if it meant being by your side. ❞

A breath between her words needing them to sit, soak in the air. She had meant every word she written in her vows. Promises she would never take back even during the ups in their relationships and especially during the downs.

❝ I spent countless days, countless hours within the four walls of my office. Through holidays and summers dedicating my life to work never truly enjoying what life would bring yet with you, I forget that’s how I once spent my days, not really living and I couldn’t imagine going back to that not when you have shown me the world and what it could bring. Falling for you wasn’t falling at all –it was walking into a house and knowing you are home. Today seems like it’s the start of a new adventure, but I have always belonged to you. Kara Zor-El, I will always be yours and you will always be my hero. ❞

Tears of joy and happiness swelled her bright green eyes, the nerves that caused her muscles to tighten loosened just a bit. Everything felt lighter now that she had expressed what she had wanted to say since the moment she wrote them and even before they came to light. Every moment, that lead up to this moment held every emotion from the first day she laid eyes on the woman she stood across today. Here in front of everyone, expressing their love was something they’d do over and over again if they had to and even if they had to do it alone between just the two of them she would.

Kara held her breath, awe stricken as she hung on each and every beautiful word that emotionally passed her fiance’s lips filling the air between them. Her heart swelling, throbbing in her chest wanting nothing more than to take Lena into her arms and press a passionate kiss against her lips. Hands trembling, bright blue eyes sparkling filled with a thousand and one feelings but the one she understood the most was the love she had for the woman that she stood hand in hand with. No matter what would become between them Kara knew that they were forever the love they had for one another was special.

J’onn ran a finger quickly across his cheek hoping that it had gone unnoticed. His eyes glazed over, bloodshot from his own tears that had fallen from the words both women had lovingly shared with not only each other but with himself and everyone else that they considered to be their family. Clearing his throat of the lump that had formed he nodded ❝ Right. Yes. Please take each other by the right hand. ❞

Both women still very much emotional from their shared words hold out their right hands extremities twining together they share knowing looks and warm smiles the intense nervous that each of them felt only minutes before lifting as they already fell into an almost newlywed bless.

❝ These are the hands of your best friend that are holding yours as you promise to love each other all the days of your life. These are the hands that will work together as you build your future and make your dreams a reality. These are the hands that will comfort you in illness and trails and share the joy and happiness of life together. These are the hands that will passionately love you and cherish you through all your years may you always hold each other and give strength to each other to hold on during the storms and stresses of life. ❞

As J’onn continued Kara takes in his words her gaze instantly falling to the hand she held in her own, it was small, dainty yet seemed a perfect match for her slightly larger, stronger hand. Lena’s eyes stared at their hands, her grip tightened just slightly for a moment as if to reassure the other and herself that this was all too real.

❝ Kara and Lena,I bid you look into each other’s eyes. ❞ as if they were in sync blue and greens lock on each other ❝ Will you honor and respect one another, and seek to never break that honor? ❞ J’onn looks serious as he holds the cord above their joined hands. ❝ We will. ❞ their voice chime together in unison, their eyes falling away from each other to take in the woven red cord placed over their hands. The cords that were going to be used to bind them were made from Kryptonian fabric, the fabric of Kal-El’s baby blanket. Choosing a fabric made from Kara’s home planet had been something both women had set their hearts on. A fabric, here on earth stronger than any, ensuring their bond everlasting.

❝ And so the first binding is made. Will you share each other’s pain and seek to ease it? ❞ As the question filled the air. Both women seemed to be in a bubble that only they were inside, their gaze returning to each other blues locked with greens smiles curve at each of their features. Even through a smile, there was silent words. Words that between anyone else would go unnoticed yet between each other could say a thousand and one things. In this moment, feeling where mutual. The feeling of caring so much sharing the pain seemed as if was too much for the other. Wanting nothing more than to take it all but knowing well enough that would never be the case. Tangled extremities grip a little tighter. A small reassuring gesture to show the other that whatever would come their way that they would overcome it as long as they have each other. If anyone was watching, truly watching they’d notice the soft subtle changes in the gaze both women held upon their features as if in an unspoken agreement before saying in unison ❝ We will. ❞

The Second cord was carefully draped over their hands just as J’onn continued with the next words he had prepared. ❝ And so the binding is made. Will you share the burdens of each so that your spirits may grow in this union?❞ Lena circled her thumb gentle along Kara’s skin, she would gladly share any of her burdens but the ones she bore weighed heavy on her. The weight would take her down most days, she couldn’t possible share that with Kara. The woman who was the personification of sunshine. It was as though Kara knew. She knew Lena more than anyone, she would catch herself staring almost studying the features of the other. How even the smallest of changes in her expressions could mean a hundred different things she took pride in being able to differentiate between those small expressions, different rhythms in Lena’s heartbeat. As she felt dainty extremities circle her hand she knew the exact thoughts that were troubling her soon to be wife in that moment. Kara would do anything to take the burdens that Lena felt and have them as her own. She needed to find a way to reassure Lena that no matter the burden big or small she would always be by her side always in her corner. Bringing their left hands together Kara teased her fingers with Lena’s a never wavering smile affirmation that Kara was in this with both feet and zero regrets. Bringing their left hands to meet their right. Nodding at the gesture a silent plead for Lena to not be scared and to trust her wholeheartedly.There was that moment, where it felt as though the world stood still, when the fingers of their left hand intertwined with each other. The small gestures of reassurance made an already curled smile on Lena’s face to grow as if it could get any bigger. If she hadn’t known just moments ago she knew now even more that Kara was her everything and she wanted nothing more than to spend all of her life with her. As if they had practised beforehand their voices harmonized ❝ We will. ❞ collectively, while J’onn placed the third cord over their joined hands.

❝ And so the binding is made. ❞ For a man as stern as J’onn J’onzz to smile anyone could tell this emotional cord binding part of the ceremony was near its end. His voice seemed to express a little more then it had just moments ago as he finally began with the final question. ❝ Will you share each other’s laughter, and look for the brightness in life and the positive in each other? ❞ That question, the last question. It was a no brainer. They had already shared many laughs together. Always saw the positive, especially when they were in the equation together. Looking for the brightness in their lives seemed easy when one of them radiated the sun a brightness that bled from one to the other, bringing out the best in each other. The final question the easiest promise of all. Unlike before, where there was a slight pause between the question and the answer, they found themselves almost immediately answering ❝ We Will ❞ as J’onn had finished speaking. The last and final red cord had been loosely draped over their hands and the first three that laid upon them. ❝ And so the binding is made. ❞ With only a single step left and a few words the first earth binding ceremony had began to come to an end. A ceremony in which had honored those from the past and had become a beacon of hope for the future.

❝ Kara and Lena ❞ J’onn began once more, extending his hand to gesture towards both their tied hands. ❝ Your hands are bound together now, so your lives and spirits are joined in a union of love and trust. Above you are the stars and below you is the earth. ❞ Each hand motion towards the sky and stars above them and then again downward towards the sand below them before colliding them together intertwining his own fingers into each other. ❝ Like the stars, your love should be a constant source of light, and like the earth, a firm foundation from which to grow.❞ The four cords in place where they were meant to be, J’onn delicately took the ends of all four cords finally tying them all into one large knot,each one had been taken and intertwined between another tightly ensuring each one was tied together. A knot tight enough that the bind would be everlasting although space between each cord for both Kara and Lena to easily slip their hands free after the ceremony had finished without disturbing the bind. Both women more at ease, the intense nervous feelings they had been feeling long gone as they watch the cords around their hands being tied, knowing that now with all four cords tied together that there was only a few moments until they would finally be bound.. J’onn’s words seemed to drag on, speaking of the bond they were to share, in such a beautiful manor he had become a poet with his words. ❝ As this knot is tied, so are your lives now bound. Woven into this cord, imbued into its very fibers, are all the hopes of your friends and family, and of yourselves, for your new life together. With the fashioning of this knot do I tie all the desires, dreams, love, and happiness wished here in this place to your lives for as long as love shall last.❞ Here as he spoke his words of hope for their future, in this moment they were just minutes from being promised to another for as long as they both should live.

❝ In the joining of hands and the fashion of a knot, so are your lives now bound, one to another.❞ J’onn placed his hand upon their tied hands as if to emphasise his next words, with a gentle smile placed upon his lips he continued ❝ By these cords you are thus bound to your vows. May this knot remain tied for as long as you both continue to love another.❞ J’onn’s voice had become more like white noise to Kara since the cords had been bound and their vows had been brought to light. Her interests no more than Lena in that moment. A moment where Kara felt completely intoxicated by the woman she could in a few minutes call her wife. Blue eyes taking in the features of her face, each tiny movement expressing something different, her ears hearing nothing more than the heartbeat she come to listen out for everyday being able to tell the exact emotion Lena felt at the time just by how her heart beat in her chest. J’onn’s speech, the last few lines he was to speak continued on. ❝May these cords draw your hands together in love, never to be used in anger. May the vows you have spoken never grow bitter in your mouths. As any child discovers when they are learning to tie their own shoes, the first move is to cross the ends. As your hands are bound by these cords, so is your partnership held by the symbol of this knot. May it be granted that what is done before the gods be not undone by man. Two entwined in love, bound by commitment and fear, sadness and joy, by hardship and victory, anger and reconciliation, all of which brings strength to this union. Hold tight to one another through both good times and bad, and watch as your strength grows.❞ Lena swore she was a good listener but in this moment she heard nothing. Not the hopes poured into every sentence J’onn had spoke to them and those who attended. Nor anything about the love that was what bound their cords, no her attention had been only locked onto those blue eyes she got lost in from day one. So focused on the details of her face that the smile was stretched on her lips, turned holding in the need to laugh. She knew well that the woman across from her who was about to be her wife, much like her. Had her attention anywhere but upon the man who was conducting their ceremony.

J’onn hadn’t needed his powers to tell that the two women stood in front of him were no longer actually listening to his words. Both women seemed lost in each other like they had both been caught in a magical trance and the only thing that they could have their attention fixated on was one another. His voice raising an octave or two his next statement in the ceremony the most important of all. ❝ May your gods and mine bless this binding and with the power invested in me, by the Sun and the moon I pronounce you, Kara and Lena as wife and wife, bound before the stars. ❞ There it was, the very last words of the ceremony. After what seemed to be a very long drawn out day it had come to these moments. Ones they had almost missed, the line they both had been waiting for, the very one that made all the planning of the binding, reception and this whole trip that everyone had taken worth it. They were married, bound to each other for the rest of their lives. Wife and wife for as long as they both shall live.

❝ Kara, you may now kiss your wife. ❞ J’onn beamed a smile in the direction of the kryptonian bride knowing only too well that this was the part that she had really been waiting for.

It was the words that Kara had been waiting for J’onn to say since he had tied the four cords around their hands binding them together as one. They were married. Lena was her wife and if Kara was being honest with herself it felt as though all of her dreams had come true, this was their new beginning. They had already overcome so much and were all that more stronger for it and now this was a fresh milestone in their lives. They had ascended were starting a new chapter of their lives which Kara knew going to be the best years of her life and she could only hope that Lena felt the same.

Taking in a deep breath with a bright smile in the setting sun, her left hand slipping free of the binding her a sense of loss from the lost contact but stepping closer to her wife teeth nipping at the flesh of her lower lip the nerves and fear she felt before the ceremony had been washed away replaced by unadulterated excitement, happiness and love. Kara had kissed Lena thousands of times yet this time it seemed different. Wrapping her free arm around Lena’s waist using their bound right hands to pull the love of her life closer bringing their joint hands to her lips pressing a small kiss to cords that bound them. ❝ Mrs Zor-El ❞ the name rolled off her tongue with ease her stomach a flutter with wild butterflies. In a single motion Kara had brought their bound right hands around the base of Lena’s back dipping her into a dramatic kiss. Soft pink lips pressing against those painted red as a giggle escaped between them. She could hear the whoops, awes and comments of them getting a room but in that moment Kara didn’t care allowing herself to press their lips together that little bit more passionately the grip of her left hand on the curve of Lena’s hip holding her in place sure of the fact that she wouldn’t slip from her hold. Allowing the kiss to go on just long enough for her wifes’ change in heartbeat to echo in her ears, lifting her back so both feet were firmly back on the ground a mischievous knowing grin widening across sunny features.

Since the very moment she saw her down the aisle, she had wanted to kiss her. Now, they were finally married, though the engagement had been short it seemed as if it had dragged on. It seemed as if this day was never going to come with everything that had happened prior to this day. The struggles she faced alone and the ones they had endured together, this was the happy moment they needed, she needed. To know that with the many more days to come she had been promised to Kara who would always remain at her side through the many happy moments that had been yet to come and the many struggles she knew was to follow.

The moment the single lined sentence had her heart pounding into her chest yet before there had even been time to react she found herself within her wife’s grip causing a soft chuckle to pass from behind rose painted tiers this time unable to hold it in as she had countless times during the ceremony. Digits tightened around the fingers already intertwined between her own as her other hand wrapped loosely around her wife’s neck. Lena starred, truly looked into those bright blue eyes with love and hope. Her mind had been clear, no fear or pain to cloud it, pure bliss as her newly appointed last name rolled off the blonde’s lips so easily as if it were one she was always meant to have Her lips connected so easily with Kara’s it was as if they were made for each other. The first kiss as newlyweds had been exhilarating full of passion and lust. In this public moment, the connection made the world go silent like they had been the only two in it. There were cheers and comments but the little soft howl from Arakan El who wanted to join in had a soft laugh falling once more from Lena’s lips as they slowly parted from another. Pressing her forehead to Kara’s, she smiled with laughter a soft ❝ I love you, Mrs. Zor-El .❞ had been whispered against the kryptonian’s lips.

❝ Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great honor that I officially present to you Mrs. and Mrs. Kara and Lena Zor-El.❞

#⊰*•°✘tᴏᴅᴀʏ ᴍᴀʀᴋꜱ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʏ ᴡᴇ ʙɪɴᴅ ᴀʟʟ ᴏᴜʀ ʜᴏᴘᴇꜱ ꜰᴏʀ ᴛʜᴇ ꜰᴜᴛᴜʀᴇ ᴛᴏɢᴇᴛʜᴇʀ » 6.22.19°•*⊱#⊰*•°✘Bᴇʜɪɴᴅ ᴛʜᴇ ʟɪᴘꜱᴛɪᴄᴋ ᴀɴᴅ ꜱᴘʀᴇᴀᴅꜱʜᴇᴇᴛꜱ » Hᴇᴀᴅ Cᴀɴᴏɴ°•*⊱#⊰*•°✦ Vᴇʀꜱᴇ. Uɴᴛɪʟ ᴛʜᴇ ꜱᴛᴀʀꜱ ɢᴏ ᴏᴜᴛ » Mᴀɪɴ Cᴀɴᴏɴ Dɪᴠᴇʀɢᴇɴᴛ ✦°•*⊱#head canon

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system-of-a-feather · 5 years ago

Text

I should sleep but instead I’ll share a bit more about myself

Sleep is for loosers anyways jk for real sleep is important to your mental health you really should try to get decent sleep if you can

Anyways, I had asked about it earlier cause I was reminiscing back to the old days a bit so I figured I would just go on an old man’s tales of the old days. Don’t worry this shouldn’t have much of any potentially triggering content. Its just kinda a look back on where I started and where I’ve come since I split off or at least a bit of a general one. So if you like, grab some marshmellows, pick up some chocolate and lets enjoy some smores by the fire. (Keep reading below if interested; ps its kinda really long XD)

Honestly, its been mentioned a bit around here that I am, in fact, not the original host of the system and while I have taken very strongly to my role as host and my system has come to respect me (at least for the most part) as the host and “leader / commander” in the alternative role descriptions our system likes to use from time to time, I honestly have only been in this role for like... the past three or so years of the like... ten or twelve (depends on if you count when I split off or when I actually began interacting actively with the world) years.

Like for some background, I split off originally in order to help the previous host and trauma holder (who weren’t in communication) handle and adjust to life while we moved schools twice in a single year. From what I know prior to my split, our system was very dependent on hanging out with our friends as a way to keep trauma from surfacing to the host or something similar to that and the host before I split off was a bit of a shy child. My family made a really bad decision with a move that sent everyone in my family into various bad mental states and to cut the unpleasant info out of it, the host at the time couldn’t handle or adapt to the new school that had a horrifically different atmosphere from our old one. None of the ways she was able to have fun or connect with others were capable and with a even worse condition house and a lack of friends, it essentially caused two splits. One was Lucille and one was me, almost around the same time for similar, related, but different reasons.

For me, I know my main role was to be able to make friends, maintain friends, and to make sure school life wasn’t a problem and that we could constantly have someone to be around when we were younger. Back in the day my main job was to be charismatic, make friends, and create stable and sturdy social connections with everyone so that one of the largest important coping mechanisms could be saved.

Admittedly though, even though I did fill the role needed and did create wonderful webs of connections and friends, even though I did make friends by taking outcasts of each school I went to in order to make stable relationships, honestly a mix of our family’s toxicity and a lot of bad luck with friends moving made it so few friendships lasted more than a year. It made it rather hard for anyone to hold host and I believe for the longest many years no one was a consistent host - something that was considerably concerning given we wouldn’t start communicating or being actively aware of each other for another six years.

Anyways, a lot of the repetitive failures honestly made me loose a bit of faith in people and humanity for a few years and I kind of retreated to online where I became an edgelord and went under the idea of “I really don’t care about the real world and my real life anyways, we aren’t gonna live that long anyways and my life will figure itself out” and engrossed myself solely into being an “online social” personality for a long while from the ages of like twelve until like... sixteen.

It was honestly a mistake I suppose as me abandoning the real life wasn’t abandoning my life like I thought it was as much as it turned out I was abandoning an important duty in a system I didn’t know I was part of and such action not only led me into being put into a lot of abusive relationships with online people, but also left our life horrifically unnurtured, barren and dry. During the time I popped in from time to time to help with club activities, but for the most part managing our real life was left to Aderis (who scared everyone away out of defense), Lucille (pre-integrated being an introverted know it all), and a trauma holder that avoided everyone. Our club life flourished and we had a group of friends in our band activities as it was the only part of the real world I would end up being out in and caring about enough to foster, but outside of that our life was barren. Sometime in that period, Aderis had made contact with me and everyone vaguely got to know each other, but considering a lot of denial and other abuse and trauma was going on then, we never properly established an understanding of DID or our system or even full recognition of each other - or at least I didn’t.

In a sorts, it lead to the point where apparently the trauma holder that was vaguely taking host was getting so sick of existing and was so envious of the beautiful life I was hosting online that it became a huge problem that apparently was the driving force to get us into therapy. I don’t really know too much of the specifics but it had caused a massive internal war over if we should destroy my online life as to force me to actually come back and try to help fix the mess our real life was at, or if we should just give up on having a real life and foster in the one I was building online. It was a internal conflict that actually had Lucille and I worried that it might end up to self harm or rash decisions and it was enough to get us to push for therapy which we eventually got.

Through the first few months of therapy it was noted by a not-dissociation specialist that what I was going through sounded a lot like DID but that wasn’t addressed further than him attempting to integrate what he identified to be “the online personality” and the “offline personality” by bringing someone who can bridge the two worlds and assist in integrating the two parts. Of course, being he wasn’t a professional in DID or dissociation, it didn’t quite work out properly, but it did get me actually focused on our real life a bit more. I was put in a position where I had to try to transfer what I did online to the real world and I did so by bringing a somewhat trusted individual into communication with me online.

At that point I had kind of forgotten how to be super charismatic irl and so I kept a lot of the more personal conversations online and rather than bridging me and the semi-host (as we didn’t really have a host), it rather got me somewhat interested in the real world again - or at least gave me something beyond my online world that meant something to me. I fostered a strong relationship with this individual and I took it upon myself to try to keep this relationship working as it was the first time in ages that someone in the real not-online world that seemed to intend to stay around us and it gave me some hope to my otherwise jaded view on the world.

It was honestly a lot of work being in therapy and trying to find this middle ground of managing online and offline and trying to get both domains to work in our system’s life, especially when I took the initiative to consider dating that person that really seemed to stick around and have enough faith and patience with me and our system to work with us, especially since the system wasn’t entirely on board, and especially sicne even then, we had no clearly defined host.

A lot of back and forth happened, a lot of alters trying to sabotage each other, a lot of really poor mental health and poor adjustment, and then two or three things too many happened and the trauma holder that was semi-host seemed to fall entirely dormant leaving the host position completely open and with the system a bit shook.

In a sense, due to the fact that Aderis was going through things at the time, Lucille was insecure on his existence, and the other active known member was a child, I was kind of kicked out to fill the role - especially considering the person we were in a relationship was considered to be my partner and my decision and my responsibility at the time. Plus, of all the alters in the pool that could have picked up host at the time, the most socially capable for managing a life was of course the alter that was MADE to be social and to create friendships and reach out to individuals.

I suppose in a sense it was natural that I was the one that got kicked out. Honestly, I don’t see myself to be as socially capable or charismatic as I am told I am and honestly I personally struggle a lot from time to time with friendships and relationships due to a lot of the personal things I as Riku have been through and how being online almost exclusively for three or four years messed with my understanding of social rules and interactions and all that, but honestly, it was generally at that moment that the system kinda just forced me to handle a heccin lot.

And like... talking about adjusting from being an alter formed primarily to establish and maintain friendships to being the host and person in charge of a lot in the system, I could go on about that on its own for ages. It is honestly something I both gripe and grumble and am really critical on myself for not doing “good enough” but it is also something I am pretty proud to say I feel I have been managing pretty good all things considered.

I do wonder how the trauma holder that stood in as a kinda-host after the original host refused to be host is doing, and I really hope she is alright and I honestly know she isn’t but I hope one of these days I can build this life to be healthy enough, stable enough, and safe enough that she can come out of dormancy and recover as she deserves to.

Currently, she is honestly in a really unstable state to the point keeping her dormant is one of the highest priorities of our system as she is honestly really dangerous to us and we aren’t in an environment that can support and safely provide a place for her to recover, so honestly, if nothing else, I hope that one of these days I can make this life a life she can be safe in.

I do deal with some of the thoughts of “I stole this life from an individual” or at least I used to struggle with them a lot, but I like to think of it more as me saving and rescuing this life for someone who couldn’t handle it anymore.

And in the end, we are all the same individual. We are all working towards the same thing, and if there is anything I can do with the honor it is to be the host of the system and to get this much time out and to have this much direction over how we drive this life, I want to make my system happy and safe.

I dunno. Its just some sentimental thinking I was going on about to myself before since I was thinking back to when I was a protector and when all I had to worry about were social issues and picking the most reliable trust worthy people to add to our lives and replacing them as fast as possible when they left to maintain stability. Back when all I cared about and had to worry about was building social circles, and now I gotta do that among all sorts of other things.

It was a simpler time, but I am happy of where I am now. I suppose when I was “just a social protector” one of the largest hobbies I had was finding people that were less fortunate, rejected by the cliquey social groups of our school, and creating a bit of a safe place and a friend to have so they wouldn’t be lonely, and from time to time I would get them involved with other more popular individuals and it was great to watch them grow and succeed socially after being the social rejects for being blind or “fat” or awkward or shy. When I went online, I took a strong liking to helping people out and helping people feel a little better about themselves and letting people have a person they can talk to.

I suppose upon becoming a host, I just expanded my external duty inward and now I have a team that I love dearly that I want to make happy and to give them the best life possible.

I suppose in a sense, even as a host, I still strongly come from my roots as a social protector and thats nice to think about from time to time.

Anyways, thanks for joining me at my campfire and roasting some marshmellows. I dunno if any of you guys got anything of substance from my old man stories reflecting on my old duties and how thats changed some over time, but thanks for listening in.

-Riku (Host)

#alter: riku #did #osdd #dissociative identity disorder #actuallydid #personal

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