#I have a generally healthy period so why would I want to ruin that

[sassyandclassy94]

I’m sorry but if I read or hear that something is an endocrine disrupter, I will be avoiding that as best I can at all costs

[flockofdoves]

ugh. usually on the internet nowadays i have curated my spaces enough that i'm just fine and don't get randomly mad or upset or anything and i dont go out of my way to dwell on or write posts about personal stuff that will make me upset because i'm just in a much better place than when i was younger and theres no point in ruining my mood to think about that stuff when thats not really what the internet is for me anymore.

but there's like one singular situation that in the past couple years keeps coming up with more frequency of a sort of subtle rhetorical shift among some people i follow that i actually feel like it would be good for my health in the long run to express why i disagree with that growing rhetorical trend because its much more entwined with very specific mechanisms that can easily harm specific vulnerable people than i think a lot of people realize. so if i was able to effectively write something out and express my point in a way that stays cool and collected and understanding of why people have come to those positions then that would probably be helpful for me to have out there to push back against that rhetorical trend in my own spaces and if anyone really disagrees with me then just knowing that and blocking each other.

(i have been conflict avoidant in my past and this type of thing isn't entirely separate from that but also like. i don't necessarily think that when its something happening with a large amount of people i like but hardly have an interpersonal relationship beyond reblogging posts from, that private unprompted discussions of my personal upset would be more sensible than just doing the admittedly kinda goofy thing of making a general post and reblogging myself throughout a week so people see it..)

but since talking about this stuff is so wrapped up in my personal trauma, for the past couple years i keep cycling online between long periods of time of 'yayyy everything is nice and curated on my social media nowadays [unless i purposefully go out of my way and look at main tags or subreddits] this is relatively healthy!!' to then seeing this sort of rhetoric and it making me feel super super awful and then caastrophizing about this lurking under the surfaces at all times. so the only time i have motivation to write something about this stuff is when i'm fucking having trauma flashbacks. but i will never express myself well in a way that's understandable, to the point, and kind to other people if i write from that emotion. but also i just do not ever feel like putting myself in the place of thinking about that stuff when i haven't seen anything upsetting for a while even if thats when i'd be at my most effective at expressing what i really want to get around to expressing.

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas! Swiftie anon here! I’ve been kind of having a shit week, in general. A few days ago my throat started hurting, and my nose started crying, so that’s been fun, and school feels like it’s taking fucking forever every day. last night, my sister was talking, and I asked my brother to get a coaster for me, since I was holding a hot bowl, and he was standing in front of the drawer, but my sister was talking, so I wanted until she was done to ask again.

my sister is great btw. I’d never say that to her face, but she’s my younger sister, and she’s always been so…happy, and I want it to say that way, she started middle school this year, and I was scared she’d go through the same things I did, and idk that freaked me out. She’s annoying as hell, but I want her to say happy, as long as she can be, so I haven’t been like putting pressure on her, or getting as mad at her as I did when we were younger. And like we’re only a year and a half apart, but ever since I got depressed I feel a lot older, which is sad because we were so close when we were younger. People used to think we were twins, and I miss being that close to someone, trusting someone that much, whispering things under the blankets, and playing games only the two of us know.

anyway, I asked after she was done talking, which was just few seconds, and I got the coaster, and set it down, and then my mom said, you need to talk louder, you’re mumbling again. and l got probably unreasonably angry when she said that, because I’ve always been quiet, when we were younger, my sister talked for the two of us, I hate talking and I’ve never been very loud. And maybe I like being quiet, not only because it’s in my nature, but you always yelled at us for being too loud and interrupting people, and maybe I’m scared to make you angry? Maybe I remember that shit? Maybe I don’t like being noticed because you always get pissed at my older brother, and that’s the only way I ever see you talk to him?

and then that night (after dinner we all go watch tv, play games separately, go to my parents room, pray and then sleep) she got mad at us saying, we’re not a community, we’re just people living together the three (me and my siblings) of you are cocooned in your rooms all the fucking time. You’re on your fucking phones all the damn time, melting your brains, you could be doing better things with your time. And why the hell wouldn’t I want to be in my room instead of with my parents, they stress me the fuck out, and make me feel like I’ve already ruined my chances at everything, and maybe that’s why I need to escape, because they made me believe everything fucking sucked.

and I know being on your phone and sitting down for like 4-5 hour periods isn’t healthy, but that’s a habit I’ll deal with after all the other issues they’ve caused me. I had a bit of a breakdown after that, my arms got red and puffy from my nails, but I didn’t bleed this time so…is that a plus?

I got my at my sister last weekend bc she like, dropped my instrument and didn’t pick he up and I almost smacked her, and my dad saw me like, about to, but I stopped, and got so mad at me? He said, and I quote, “apologize, how would you feel if I got you and ten years later I never said sorry?” and then I was like wtf are you talking about, you hit me when I was in like preschool (10 years ago) and never apologized. I vaguely remember him hitting me, like before kindergarten, I somehow forgot that he did until that moment. I know he and my mom got into fights about it (bc calling us stupid and staying is so much better).

and then this morning we woke up late, and my dad said “you’ll end up all alone bc no one wants anyone who never shows up on time.” And my mom started fucking monologuing about how we’re “wasting our intelligence” and we should on things better, and I started fucking bawling, bc I went to preschool far from home, so when I started going to elementary, I didn’t have any friends, and I had like, a singular friend, I made and she moved at the end of first grade, and so on and so forth until 3rd grade when the pandemic happened, so like ending up alone has always been a fear of mine, and they know this, bc back when I trusted them I literally asked them why do all my friends move away? and school has fucking sucked, pe isn’t so bad, we’re fishing in a lake across the street and I caught one today and almost killed it bc it swallowed the hook, and everything else, besides like my friends has been miserable. I had a dentist appointment today (I have them all the damn time), and they numbed the right side of my face, 3 injections, they’re so sore, and I still can’t feel the lower right part of my mouth, so that’s fun. Sorry for the rant, hope you’re having a better week than me cas! Have a good day/night

Hi hon! <3

It sounds like you're dealing with a LOT of negativity right now, especially at home, and that absolutely sucks. Are there ways you can find some positivity on your own? Things that make you happy even when others are being shitty?

I'm so proud of you for dealing with life even when it's hard <3 You're doing so great, truly! <3

[trying-to-get-somewhere-real]

🍓 :)

honestly so glad yours was the last one of these to come in my inbox because doing it now is gonna cheer me up on yet another picard depression thursday lmao

here we go!

-- you always cheer me up just by being yourself (i know that sounds so corny but it's true!) like even when i'm not sad (cause i don't tend to be sad most of the time) and just neutrally experiencing life, your jokes and commentary on just whatever make me laugh everyday, and at this point i'm pretty sure that without them i would backslide from neutral to sad a lot of the time.

-- i'm always trying to convince people that i am chill and stoic (dear reader this is partially true, i swear! irl i am way more lowkey than on here) but am still filled with anxiety and take some things Way Too Seriously, and your uss indifference vibes have gotten me through more times than i can count at this point. you just have a very smart and healthy way of looking at things that i really need (in fandom especially but in life generally!) somehow at your very small age you are more mature than like 2/3 of the people i know period (+ easily 99% of the people i am vaguely acquainted with in fandom) 🫡

-- you're such a good friend! i'm saying this not just from personal experience but from knowing how loyal and supportive you are to all of your other friends. we are all so lucky to have you (i really hope the others know that...if not i will maybe kick their asses idk 🤨)

-- you have great taste in so many things and are also very open-minded re trying new things, so i feel like we get to have this wonderful exchange of stuff all the time...truly a testament to my love for you that i'm like "thank you for introducing me to trek" instead of "why did you ruin my life"...and you drink manhattans now! i just really enjoy how we have a lot of overlapping tastes but also a lot of different stuff to share with each other. also i get to pretend to be Young and Cool and Know Things by association. but also get to have fun meltdowns whenever i realize some major life event happened for me before you existed. 🫠 it's fun!

-- you have infectious enthusiasm for the things you love (give me all the deep-dive stream-of-consciousness nerd texts forever) and then also lend it to others for things they're already enthusiastic about to hype them up (see, e.g., incredible tags on gifsets that absolutely delight the people who made them, getting super into fiona overnight and finding interviews of her that i never had that greatly improved my life)

--cutting myself off cause this post could just go forever and i don't want to be excessively self-indulgent BUT tl:dr fandoms come and go, but if you're really lucky you might meet someone because of them who changes your life, who you assume will always be in it, and you are that for me. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜💕💖

@mutuals send me a 🍓 and ill compliment u!

[pronounmelon]

I’m. Genuinely really sorry for that. Like, actually. I don’t actually know any hacking terms or really programming terms in general. I can’t program jackshit. I don’t know what I need to do to prove that??? Honestly I shouldn’t, just. Really sorry.

also, while what I sent you was inappropriate and I will not do it again (I will not interact with you privately period), considering it “rape art” is….??? If. If that’s how you take the implications of me drawing pregnant people in 5 seconds with no further thought behind it??? Im sorry for sending it but let’s not mix up something generally inappropriate to send people and straight up rape art.

My dad knows about the resume thing. Calling probably wouldn’t have done anything there, he does know, and I have fixed it. He had me delete personal information from my blog and I try to be careful now. I’m a terminal oversharer, and honestly, that could have ruined. A lot for me. I appreciate concern for my safety, I think I have it handled now?? I’d appreciate not having people say they IP logged me to prove a point in my inbox. but admittedly it was none of Rusty’s fanbase that did that!! Good job at least not doing that. I still really don’t like the person who did that. That stupid ask being sent to me was also a long time ago, so. I don’t actually care much, irrelevant. Just like. Express concern for my safety in a healthy way. Which, the person I’m responding to sort of did?? Like they didn’t brag about logging my IP in my inbox. God maybe I do care about that.

I also used my age a lot, mostly because at the time that was actually relevant, I had just become acquainted with people who had had very personal things shared about them over LB drama. It was essentially the most immature way I could put “it would be a stupid idea to do that to me”. I say immature and stupid because it was. There’s no reason I should have done that, nor that it would really move that sort of person. I had assumed for awhile that Rusty was the type of person to do that (mostly given things she had said to younger people on Instagram in the past) but simultaneously honestly wanted my bullshit acknowledged. My motivations will be assumed, but honestly it’s the same reason I do alot of things when I lack a filter. It’s “I have no idea. I’m sorry I just literally have no idea why the fuck I did that.” There’s no reason for you to like me. I don’t care. I have you blocked for a lot of reasons and I’m not even directly responding to you. Just. Thoughts out.

im still immature. I’m still stupid. I can’t even say I’m not those things anymore. I’m like…. 1% less so??

apparently white fox is some hacking guy…??? Well shit she probably did have a good reason to think I’d do that, I’ll give her that

I would not have done that though

[animeomegas]

Pregnant!Omega!Sasuke Headcanons

Anon:  How about omega Sasuke being pregnant with an over protective mate?

@hakunamatatayqueen​:  Ooh ooh could I request some fluffy pregnant omega sasuke headcanons?👀 this baby deserves so much love and happiness omg pLz I love him so much- AND GOOD LUCK WITH UR WORK DARLING I’m in the same situation😔 so take your time and no worries🖤

(Sasuke is so popular on this blog haha! I thought I would combine these requests because they work so well together <3 Also, yes, I just want good things for Sasuke. He was screwed over so much throughout his life and I just want to make it better :( Thank you for the well wishes on my work, it’s not been fun to start university during a pandemic haha. I still haven’t met any classmates or teachers in person rip. I hope your work goes well too! I decided to write this because I already had a lot written already haha. Enjoy!!)

Warnings: Mpreg, swearing, mental breakdown, morning sickness mention ((and non-graphic description) I talked around it because I’m emetophobic haha)

There is very little in the world that Sasuke hates more than being pregnant. 

He doesn’t just find the experience unpleasant, he hates it.

He feels trapped and uncomfortable all the time.

Too hot and too cold constantly.

He feels weak and useless and at the mercy of his instincts.

And that’s not even mentioning the horrible morning sickness, paranoia and mood swings.

He wanted to revive his family so badly, but the realities had him regretting his decision more than once, even if he was happy in the end.

This is the time in Sasuke’s life that he needs the support of his alpha the most.

Sasuke will refuse to get pregnant a second time. No exceptions.

He would get sterilised as soon as was safe after he had given birth.

TRIMESTER 1:

During his first trimester, Sasuke tries his hardest to carry on as normal. 

I cannot tell you how many times you have to stop him from training so he doesn’t hurt himself or your pup.

He was also miserable when he was banned from taking any more missions.

He’s pretty good about going to his doctor’s appointments though and has no problem going to them alone if you’re busy.

He suffers from morning sickness during this time. An omega’s morning sickness can be helped with the scent of their alpha, so you end up spending lots of time scenting him when he feels awful.

Sasuke doesn’t tell many people that he’s pregnant and doesn’t like other people cooing over him. You get permission but he’ll act like he doesn’t enjoy it.

Sasuke has a very strong nesting urge from day 1, and he never thinks his nest is good enough. He spends a lot of time buying new materials for his nest, rearranging things and scenting everything. You are very lucky that Sasuke was the sole inheritor of all the Uchiha wealth with how many nesting supplies he buys. 

You hovered uncomfortably outside the bathroom door, listening to your mate be violently ill in the early hours of the morning. He didn’t want you in there with him but your alpha was running in circles, desperate to help your mate somehow.

Eventually the sounds from the bathroom ceased. You waited for a moment before hesitantly knocking on the door. 

“Sasuke?” You called out. “Can I come in?”

You heard a grunt that you decided to take as a positive response.

Swinging open the door, you let out a sigh and a quiet whine. 

Sasuke was slouched on the floor, draped part way over the toilet. He looked pale and exhausted. 

“Oh, baby.” You sighed, moving towards his shivering form.

“Go away.” He grumbled, resting his head on his arms. “It’s gross.”

You ignored him, crouching down to sit on the floor and shifting to sit behind him. You sat flush against his back, wrapping your arms gently around his waist. You started to release a gentle scent to help him with the nausea.

Sasuke took a few deep breaths before slumping back against you.

You cradled him as gently as you could, wiping his hair back from his sweat soaked forehead. 

“Feeling better?” You whispered into his ear, rubbing soothing circles on his small baby bump. 

Sasuke hummed, eyes already closed, nuzzling into your neck. He lifted a hand and latched onto the sleeve of your shirt, seemingly unaware of what he was doing. 

You looked down at his exhausted form, clinging onto you in ways he would never normally let himself do, and you made a decision. 

“I’m not going into work today.” 

Sasuke’s eyes flew open at your words.

“No.” He scoffed. “You don’t need to stay here for me, I’m absolutely fine.”

He started trying to get up but you pulled him back against you, raising an eyebrow at his words.

“I want to stay, Sasuke.” You scented him some more, just in case any nausea still remained. “Think you can move back to bed?”

Sasuke hesitated. You waited patiently for his answer, rubbing small circles on his hips.

“I want...” Sasuke started, blushing. “I think I want to go to my nest.”

“That sounds like an excellent idea, omega. Do you want me to join you?”

“Please.” He whispered, embarrassed. 

You helped him stand up from the bathroom floor and went to spend the rest of the day cuddled up in his nest.

TRIMESTER 2:

During trimester 2 Sasuke begins to show. He doesn’t get many stretch marks because his stomach is pretty small (but still healthy).

His mood swings start to get pretty extreme from this point.

Sasuke is very clingy and he gets frustrated when you have to leave him for too long. When you do leave him he gets cold or angry and always kicks you out of his nest for a day.

Sasuke starts to leave the house less and less in his second trimester. This is for many reasons. Firstly, he hates the attention he gets and doesn’t want to risk running into anyone he knows. He just doesn’t want to deal with it. Secondly, he gets a little paranoid about someone hurting his pup. You’re not really sure when those feelings start because he keeps them to himself, but when you find out you’re very worried.

To deal with it, you convince him to go on walks and dates with you outside the house. With you there, his anxiety is lessened, and it helps him cope with the paranoia.

Sasuke starts to develop cravings during this period. No one is surprised that he now wants tomatoes for every meal and snack. Every market day, you bring a huge bag and just clear out every tomato there. Sasuke refuses to cook when he’s pregnant so you end up cutting so many tomatoes over the duration of his pregnancy. 

Finally, during his second trimester, Sasuke starts to be satisfied with his nest. And then subsequently spends every moment he can buried inside it. His nest is his safe space and putting him in there is a fool proof strategy to calm him down or ease discomfort.

You sat with Sasuke in his nest, watching him fuss over some pillows in the corner. He was wearing an oversized shirt, but you could still see his pregnant tummy pressing against the fabric when he moved in a certain way. You couldn’t resist.

Leaning over to him, you pushed up his shirt and uncovered his bump. You nuzzled into his stomach, pressing kisses into his skin as you went. You giggled against him when he froze.

Sasuke stiffened and then pushed your face away firmly. You fell backwards gently, knocking over a blanket that Sasuke had pinned to the wall. You both looked at each other in silence for a moment before Sasuke huffed in displeasure.

“You ruin everything in here, I don’t know why I let you in.” He growled, moving over to that corner to try and fix it. 

You looked at him, playfully betrayed.

“You pushed me!”

“Because you deserved it, idiot.” Sasuke scoffed.

You pouted at him in reply, watching as he easily reattached the blanket.

“Are you mad at me?” You fake whined, opening your arms out for a hug.

“Tch,” He blushed, accepting your embrace. “Just don’t do it again.”

“I won’t.” You crooned, nuzzling him furiously. Sasuke accepted the affection with no complaint. He must be more tired than you thought.

You both dozed peacefully in each others embrace, basking in the comfort of Sasuke’s nest and the pleasant mingling of your scents.

Until Sasuke swore suddenly, pulling himself out of your arms and scaring you half to death. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” You panicked, hands flailing in an attempt to figure out what was wrong with him. 

“Foot cramp.” Sasuke grunted between clenched teeth, hands starting to massage at his foot awkwardly. He couldn’t reach comfortably around his bump. 

“Here, let me.” You quickly moved to sit at his feet, gently massaging while Sasuke let out pained hisses. You kept going until Sasuke had fully relaxed back into the pillows of his nest. 

“Fucking foot cramps.” Sasuke sighed, pulling you back towards him, and trying to position you both back into your original position. Scarcely a few moments had passed before Sasuke groaned again. 

“Now they decides to wake up.” He grumbles, shifting to lift up his shirt.

You watched in awe as your pup began to kick. 

“This never gets old.” You whispered. “I can’t believe that’s our pup in there.”

“I wish they’d let me sleep.” Sasuke grumbled, a fond smile on his face nevertheless. 

“Get comfortable and I’ll try to soothe the pup. Try to get some sleep, omega, you deserve it.”

TRIMESTER 3:

This is where Sasuke’s mental state starts to decline. 

He has a very strong flight reflex when he gets overwhelmed, but obviously he can’t run away from being pregnant, so this just makes him more distressed. 

Sasuke is a very light sleeper generally, and being pregnant means he is rarely comfortable enough to sleep properly, and sleep deprivation makes everything worse.

Sasuke ends up having so many breakdowns that he needs someone with him at all times to make sure he won’t accidentally hurt himself or the pup when he’s not in a good headspace.

Sasuke ends up being induced early to end the severe mental strain he is under.

You watched sadly as Sasuke sobbed pitifully on your bed. You had tried to help, but he threw a fit when you tried to touch him. 

“I don’t want this anymore.” He sobbed. “I can’t-I can’t sleep, I’m too hot, everything hurts, I’m useless!” His hands started to shake.

“No, no, no, sweetheart.” You rushed over to him. “You’re okay, we’ll make it okay.”

“I want to get them out!” His hands started to twitch.

You intervened immediately, shifting his hands away from his stomach, just in case. Sasuke started to sob into your arms.

“Shh, omega.” You scented him, desperate to calm him down. You felt so powerless. “Do you want to come with me to your nest? Would that help?”

Sasuke shook his head desperately. “Too hot.”

You had an idea. 

“A bath then? A nice cool one. I’ll join you and wash your hair for you, yes?”

Sasuke didn’t respond, but you made the decision for him.

Ten minutes later, you were lowering him into a cool bath, and climbing in behind him. Sasuke slumped against you, exhausted after his breakdown. You welcomed him into your embrace, running cool fingers up and down his arms.

“Better?” You whispered.

“Yeah.” He croaked back. “Sorry.”

“S’alright, my love. Just relax.”

You tenderly washed his hair for him, careful to keep shampoo out of his eyes. You smiled when Sasuke started to purr as you massaged his head, relieved that he was feeling better.

You then wiped him down with a cool flannel. When Sasuke began to shiver, you pulled the plug and helped him out of the bath. You dried his hair for him and fetched him an oversized shirt to wear. It was when you were entering back into the room that you suddenly remembered something.

“Oh, I totally forgot.” You leant down and pulled a long, thin pillow out from under your bed. “I bought this today.” You held it up for him to see. “It’s supposed to help you sleep when you’re pregnant.”

Sasuke took the pillow. 

“How does it work?”

You laid him down and helped position the pillow, making sure to wrap it under his bump to support him. When you were done, it was immediately obvious that Sasuke was comfortable. He went boneless against the pillow, eyes already drooping, the dark circles under his eyes suddenly more apparent.

You slid into bed beside him, careful not to crowd and overheat him. Instead, you took his hand in yours, rubbing the back with your thumb.

“We’ll go to the hospital tomorrow.” You began. “See if they can induce you early.”

“’kay.” He replied, half-asleep.

You pressed a gentle kiss against his mating mark.

“Sleep tight, my omega.”

[taggingtim]

Why I love Pre-Boot Tim Drake and why the Reboot has ruined him

I love Tim Drake.  He is my favorite comic book character of all time.  I’ve been really upset the past few days about what DC has been doing with him lately, and I thought it would be cathartic for me to write something up about it.  (No, this isn’t a rant about Tim being bi/gay; it’s a much larger problem than that. But I’ll get to that in a bit.) Bear with me for a bit of history, first.

When I was a kid I loved the Batman Animated Series.  I know this will lose me a lot of internet cred, but I always preferred the fourth season. In particular, I loved Tim Drake. He was fun and funny and I absolutely adored him.  I used to beg my mom to take me to the mall so I could buy issues of Gotham Adventures. For my birthday one year my parents got me a subscription to the comic, and I was blown away by the idea that I could have comics MAILED to my HOUSE.

Around middle school I started collecting Marvel comics, mostly X-men stuff.  I loved them, but when I started college I quit the hobby for financial reasons.

 Fast forward a few years, and I felt I was financially stable enough to start buying comics again. Rather than going back to Marvel, I decided to give Batman comics a chance.  I had no idea where to start, and when I found out my beloved Tim had his own comic series, I thought it was a perfect entry point into the Batman universe. I bought the complete series from a local comic shop and dove in.

 Tim’s Robin series was exactly what I was looking for in a comic.  He was very different from little Timmy Todd from BtAS, but I loved him. I built the rest of my comic collection around him, grabbing up every book that he was featured in, from Young Justice to Teen Titans to Batman, Detective Comics, Nightwing, Red Robin, and many others.  I have random books from series like The Demon just because Tim was in them.

 So why did I like Tim so much?  What about this character made me so excited for more?  I found in Tim something that I had never seen in a comic book before: character growth.  Somehow, though he was written by many different authors over many different years, Tim managed to have a character arc that is consistent and makes sense. Sure, there were a few small bumps along the way, but on the whole Tim has always stayed true to his character, and he’s developed in a way that the big name characters, like Batman, never can.

 When we’re first introduced to Tim, he’s a young teen who has been neglected by his parents growing up. He’s smart, healthy, and strong, but he lacks so much self confidence and has little sense of self worth.  Tim notices Bruce’s increasing violence as he grieves for the loss of his son, and Tim knows he needs to step in and help.  Batman needs a Robin.

 For most characters, this would be the part where Tim put himself forward for the job.  But he doesn’t.  He seeks out Dick Grayson and begs him to come home instead.  It’s only when Batman and Nightwing are in danger and there is literally no one else to help that Tim steps up and dons the cape. And once he does, he’s constantly plagued by self-doubt, terrified he will screw up and leave Batman worse than ever before.

 From there, Tim undergoes intense training.  He never begs to be in the spotlight, doesn’t push to go out on the streets before he’s ready.  His goal is to help Bruce as much as possible.

 Here’s where I started to fall in love with him.  All that self-doubt, the constant need to be useful?  That’s exactly what you would expect to see from a child whose parents had ignored and neglected him.  He finally has a parental figure who sees him, who values him, and Tim does everything he can to make himself worthy in the hopes that Bruce will keep him around.

 This is the first example of character consistency that we see with Tim.  And it continues.  When his mom dies and his dad is put in a coma, you see Tim struggle to come to terms with losing the people he loves, but never had a relationship with.  Tim almost never mentions his mom after her death, because she just wasn’t present in his life.  When his dad recovers and decides to stick around, Tim struggles to build a relationship with him.  He’s plagued with guilt because he’s finally found the father figure he needed in Bruce, but he thinks that he’s supposed to feel that way for Jack.  It’s a running undercurrent in their relationship that creates distance between them for years.

 This is already so long, so I’m going to try to summarize a bit more.  We get to watch Tim grow up.  We see his awkward relationship with his first girlfriend, Ariana.  He doesn’t know how to treat her; he’s never had the opportunity to observe a healthy relationship.  But he tries so, so hard.  All of Tim’s relationships are awkward, because he’s never had a model of a good one. Steph is a great match for him, because she’s very vocal about what she wants and needs, and she isn’t afraid to call Tim out when he messes up, which is exactly what Tim needs.

 Big things happen to Tim. He’s stuck with Jean-Paul Valley, who slowly goes insane, leaving Tim to try to keep the city in one piece.  He’s infected with the Clench, a plague that sweeps over Gotham and kills everyone it touches, and barely escapes with his life. His girlfriend is sexually assaulted, leaving him to deal with the fallout.  His family moves out of Gotham, and he has to sneak back in during No Man’s Land to help.  His relationship with his dad has intense ups and downs, resulting in him being sent to boarding school, punished in a variety of ways, and generally caused a lot of trouble in his life.

 Then people start dying. Over the course of about a year in his life, Tim loses his girlfriend, his dad, a close friend, and his best friend, each of whom dies under tragic conditions.  Tim’s grief is intense, and he is understandably traumatized by the losses. We see fundamental changes in his character.  He changes his costume from something bright and cheerful to something darker that reflects his emotional state.  He’s more subdued, his adventures a little more serious.

 When Bruce first tries to adopt him, Tim literally creates an uncle and hires an actor to play him, just to avoid dealing with the situation.  Bruce has viewed Tim as a son for years, so to him the adoption is an obvious step.  For Tim, it feels like a betrayal of his father, and it takes a while before he’s ready to accept Bruce’s love, home, and a place in his family.  

 When Damian shows up on the scene, Tim really struggles with him, and not just because early Damian is a horrid brat who tries to kill Tim on multiple occasions.  Tim has always felt the need to earn his place with Bruce, and Damian constantly throws all of Tim’s biggest fears in his face—he’s not wanted or needed now that the “real” son is here, he’s not worthy of a place in the family, he’s not good enough.

 Tim tries to clone Conner, his best friend.  He’s lost so many people, and he’s desperate to get them back.  Conner was cloned to begin with and fully matured over a very short period of time; the technology clearly exists, so why can’t Tim use it to get his best friend back?  And if he can get Conner back, why not the others he’s lost?  He eventually gives up, but when he eventually gets access to a Lazarus Pit, he immediately wants to incorporate the waters into his process so he can revive his loved ones.  With Dick’s help, Tim eventually decides to let it go, but it’s such a poignant moment for the character.

 Then Bruce dies, and Dick takes Robin away.  Tim switches to the Red Robin persona as he travels the world, alone, trying to prove that he was right.  He has to deal with the trauma of losing another father, finds out that his girlfriend never died but let him hurt so much for so long.  His brother and the only close friend he has left both think his grief has overwhelmed his sense and that he’s gone crazy.  He’s utterly alone.

 The Red Robin series is such a great culmination for Tim.  He finds a place for himself as a hero, as a CEO.  He gets parts of his family back—Bruce, Steph, Bart, Conner.  He finally figures out who he wants to be and creates a place for himself.

 This overarching character development is what I love about Tim.  His many, many traumas impact his decisions, and you can clearly see how he changes over time as a result of them.  I didn’t even go into his development as a leader from his early fumbling with Young Justice to his strong leadership of the Teen Titans, or how his relationships with Conner, Bart, and Cassie develop so fluidly and realistically over the years.

 This is why I love Tim. Characters like Batman are static; nothing that happens to them will ever have a lasting impact, because in the end the character always returns to what they were.  Tim, on the other hand, has changed and developed A LOT since his initial appearance.  His growth has always been consistent and logical.

 When the reboot happened, all of that character growth was lost.  Tim was replaced with a jerk who betrayed his friends and cheated on his girlfriend.  DC has basically retconned all of this and tried to turn Tim back into who he was, but by taking away all of the things that have happened to him over the years, Tim has lost SO MUCH.

 I keep looking for my Tim in recent comics, and I just can’t find him.  It breaks my heart, because I love him so much, and it feels like he’s lost to me forever.  The most recent Young Justice comic series actually gave me hope; I felt like maybe, finally, someone was going to write Tim correctly.  He had his primary friendships back, his relationship with Steph was developing (even if they seem to have completely dropped all the development around Steph’s decision to let Tim think she was dead).  The actual book itself wasn’t fantastic, but it felt like they were headed in the right direction.

 Over the last few days, I read the Batman: Urban Legends books.  I actually read the Batman/Red Hood story first, which was fantastic.  I was really excited to read Tim’s story (though I already knew how it ended).  Jason’s character was handled so well, and he seemed to actually have some character development that will hopefully last.  I anticipated the same for Tim.

 But Tim’s story was awful. The plot was all over the place—kids are being kidnapped, so Tim has to join a pain cult to get them back?  He’s somehow helping Oracle with computer issues while simultaneously questioning witnesses?  He’s broken up with Steph, off camera, shortly after telling her how much he loves her, but Steph somehow thinks that they should have a caring relationship where Tim tells her what he’s feeling?  Bernard has somehow become a good enough fighter to stand side by side with Robin?  Tim STILL doesn’t have a code name?  Why is everyone suddenly hounding him about what he wants to do with his life?

 It’s just such a mess of a story.  If it didn’t end with Tim agreeing to go on a date with Bernard, no one would ever have even mentioned it.  There’s nothing particularly re-readable or enjoyable about it.

 I actually liked that they brought Bernard back. I really enjoyed him in the original Robin series. It’s been a while since I read that part of the series (I’m actually working my way back through it now).  I know Bernard always read as gay to me, yet somehow I felt like he was out of character in these books.

 And then, the climax of the story.  Tim is bi, or gay, or has at least agreed to go on a date with a boy.

 If this had happened in the pre-boot, when Tim was Red Robin and had an actual character arc, I honestly wouldn’t have had an issue with it.  I do think it would have needed a LOT more build up than it was given here.  Tim has always been a very introspective character, and we’ve been party to so much of his internal monologue over the years.  It seems very strange to me that such a huge thing just sneaks up on him out of nowhere when he’s never even thought about it before.

 But more than that, this story just feels like the final death blow for the Tim I loved.  The whole arc is about how Tim doesn’t know who he is or who he wants to be.  What will his hero name be?  Will he go to college?  What is he going to do with his life?  These are all great questions, and his answer to all of them is… date a boy?  

 Is this going to be his defining characteristic going forward?  From here will we just see Tim exploring and discovering his sexuality?  The Tim we have now doesn’t have a family, a team, a purpose, or even a code name.  Why was this the thing that DC decided to give us?  It feels like they wanted to make a gay Robin and decided it would be Tim because they didn’t know what else to do with him.

 It’s stupid, but I honestly feel like I’ve spent the past few days grieving the loss of a loved one. The Tim that DC is presenting now is just not the person that I knew.  Tim would never break up with Steph that abruptly for what he admits is no apparent reason.  He would never say “just call me Robin, since Damian’s out of town.”  Everything that I love about Tim seems to be gone, and in its place DC has given me a date with a boy.  

 Again, it’s not Tim being not-straight that I have an issue with.  I’ve never read the character that way, but it’s something I can live with. My issue is the way it was handled. Why not make Tim an actual person first, and then explore his sexuality?  Send him off to college!  He’s obviously thinking about it!  It’s the perfect opportunity to give him his own book.  He can move to a different city, choose a new name, and DC can introduce a whole new set of characters.  Figure out which parts of Tim’s backstory are still canon, and which have been dropped. Make him a person again, and then let him explore his sexuality.

 I know this post is all over the place, and I don’t have time right now to go back and edit it.  I just really needed an outlet for my frustration.  Right now it feels like there are so many people who are so excited about Tim being bi/gay, but they don’t know anything else about him.  I keep seeing people comment how DC has been “dropping hints for years!” with no evidence other than “he and Superboy were really close!”  I guess I’d just really like to have some dialogue with other people who are fans of Tim, rather than fans of Tim-as-bi/gay or fans of Tim-as-straight.

 Does anyone else feel this way?  I’d honestly like to have a dialogue about it with other long time fans.

[spinster-sisters]

Asshole. CS

TW: Dom! san, Sub! reader, Pillow humping, stepping, generally very derogatory and lowkey rude, possessiveness. Im gonna put this here cuz i dont know where else to but this is not an example of a healthy relationship, no it is toxic or abusive, it is implied that they are just two very different people who shouldnt be together.

Your relationship with San wasn't a good one. From the moment you two got together you have been arguing about every little thing, and while the good moments were absolutely perfect the bad was far worse. Many of your friends were surprised you were still together. But despite all the fighting and miscommunications, San was still the only man you could look at, and that was infuriating.

Honestly, the two of you had tried to break up multiple times, but each period wouldn't last more than a week, because nobody else knew you like the other. So inevitably you would find your way back to each other.

Tonight was one of the bad nights. Your mutual friend Yunho was throwing a huge party at his apartment. The trouble had started before you even arrived. The plan was to get ready at San's place at ride over together, but at the last moment, you had decided to get ready at your own home, simply because San always rushed you. You figured that this way he could leave whenever he was ready and so could you. However, San did not see it that way.

You had just stood up from your vanity, having just finished applying your makeup, but a text alert brought you back down to sit.

"Your impossible" was all it said. This made you scoff. It was from your boyfriend. San had always told you that you were too indecisive and flaky, that he never knew what you wanted and it made it impossible to please you. It was probably true, but he was not without faults himself so you still found it annoying.

You chose to leave him on read before making your way over to the party. You were still simmering with annoyance over his attitude while you drove. Eventually, you landed at Yunho's building. You don't know exactly how your friend was able to afford the place as it was pretty big for only him and his roommate, but it certainly allowed for fun gatherings.

You were buzzed up and not too long after you were at Yuhno's door. Only seconds after knocking, you could hear the music and talk from outside, the door swung open to reveal the tall man.

"Hey!" Yunho cried, pulling you in by your arm. Yunho rarely drank more than one or two beers at his party so he could keep everyone in line, so it wasn't a surprise when you found him still completely sober.

"I almost thought you weren't going to make it!" The tall man spoke swinging and arm over your shoulder for a side hug. You smiled into it.

"Yeah sorry, I was running a bit behind," was all you said.

"When San showed up without you I thought you had canceled," your friend spoke while pulling away from the hug.

"Yeah, well plans change" you replied. You had thought you hid the contempt well enough but Yunho knew you too well. He gave you a questioning look but you changed the subject.

"Where is he anyway? You asked. Yunho only pointed into the living room. Your mood only darkened. There were tons of people but you could still see your boyfriend clear as day sitting on the couch with at least three girls hanging off of him. This was one of your problems with San. No, he had never cheated on you, if they tried to kiss him he would push them away, if they made a suggestive comment he would brush them off, but of they flirted with him? He ate that shit up. He said that it shouldn't matter because at the end of the day your the one who gets to fuck him, but the fact he would just sit there and let them feed his ego was pissy as all hell.

You frowned deeply, not even trying to hide this one, and turned the opposite direction into the kitchen for a drink. You could feel the judgment coming of Yunho in waves, but he said nothing. When you reached the kitchen you found the first bottle of whatever and poured yourself a tall glass of whatever. You weren't about to let your boyfriend ruin your night, even after he ruined your mood. So you opted to ignore him all night.

It had been a while. After you finished your drink and allowed it to take effect you moved back into the pandemonium that was the living room. Here was the source of the music and the majority of the talking. You danced lazily to the music, not paying any attention to anyone just allowing yourself to unwind. The pounding base felt nice in your head and along with the buzz of the alcohol you were more than content.

Soon an arm slipped around your shoulders again. This time it was Mingi. Yunho's roommate. You weren't as close to him as Yunho but you could easily call him a friend.

"What's up?" You called over the music, stepping out of the dancing bodies to talk.

"Just coming to say hi, where's san?" He asked taking a little look around.

"Don't know don't care" you replied leaning against the wall. Mingi laughed a little.

"You two at it again?" He questioned with a quirk of the brow. You returned the laugh.

"Call it whatever you want, I don't want to talk to him tonight," Mingi sighed with a smile.

"You two are impossible," Mingi walked away after finishing his comment but his choice of words soured your mood again. You dared to look around for San. Once you found him it made it worse.

It seems like two of the girls had lost hope because the last one remaining was laying it on thick. She was sitting so close their legs were pressed together and her hand was dragging up and down his arm.

You scoffed and turned away before a thought hit you. If he was able to entertain other people then why can't you? With that idea in mind, you set out to find a cute boy to mess with.

It wasn't hard, within minutes of putting yourself out there a guy who clearly wasn't close enough with anyone here to know your situation had approached you in the hallway on your way to fill up your drink.

You both stood in the hallway against the wall for a bit, he was hopelessly eager so flirting with him was a breeze. Slowly you made your way into the living room once again and made yourself comfy with the new boy. No, you weren't as obvious as the girl hanging off your boyfriend, you were too good for that, but it was clearly enough to have him hanging on your every word. At some point, you glanced up and made eye contact with Yunho who only threw you a curious look but you only winked at went back to your nameless boy.

You spoke for a bit longer, playing into him as much as possible as he showered you with compliments. You were happily basking in the praise when a sudden presence made itself know in front of you. You turned, and low and behold, it was San.

His perfect features were screwed into a glare fixated on both you and the boy. You almost let your giggle show when you look behind his perfectly shaped body to see the girl he had been entertaining looking lost and confused exactly where he left her on the couch.

Your satisfied smirk must have shown on your face however because soon your boyfriend's cold fingers wrapped around your chin hold your chin up to face him. He crouched down so you two were eye level.

"You think this is funny?" He asked in a dangerous tone. He only used this voice when he meant business but tonight you were standing your ground.

"Very funny," you replied, managing to hold your smirk even with his hand clamped on your cheeks.

"What the fuck man? Let her go," the boy finial voiced only after recovering from the shock of the scene before him. He reached out to pull Sans hand away before you stopped him.

"You can leave now," you said, not looking away from San. (not like you could) but still very clearly talking to the boy. You could hear the confusion in the silence. Before he spoke again.

"Wait what?" He asked stupidly.

"You can go, I'm done with you for now," you spoke.

"Wait this is crazy what are you-"

This time San in all his severe and intimidating glory turned to the boy and cut him off.

"Hey dick head, I think my girlfriend told you to leave us alone." He spoke with an edge. Having finally got the message the boy got up and left. And San's piercing gaze returned to you again, his hand finally dropping to let his forearm resting on his knee.

"So I'm your girlfriend now?" You asked with contempt. Crossing your arms, and swinging one leg over the other.

"Oh shut up" San replied scoffing.

"I'm just wondering if you told those girls that, that you have a girlfriend. Or maybe it's that you did but they just didn't care because clearly, you enjoyed all the attention they were giving you" the words rattled out of you in quick succession.

"Clearly you're broken up about it. Throwing yourself at any guy who will give you the time of day," he spits back, "if I remember correctly you were the one who didn't want to come together as a couple," he reminded in a scathing tone.

"Only because you are a controlling asshole," you spat back equally as resentful.

"And you're a paranoid drama queen I guess we all have our problems." He shot back. Eyes narrowing even more.

"Well maybe if you have such a problem with it I should go find that guy and fuck him. If I am so annoying then how about I go be someone else's problem!" you almost screamed at him beath heaving slightly when you finished. San stared at you unreadable for a moment.

He stood abruptly, taking you roughly by the arm and pulling you to your feet. He wordlessly dragged you through the crowd.

"San what the fuck let go!" You tried to pull free but failed. Moments later san had dragged you into Yunho's room and slammed it shut before locking it. Your boyfriend turned to you with eyes darker than you had ever seen.

"Never fucking say that again." He spoke dangerously calm. He took two quick steps twords you before slamming his lips onto yours. You reacted quickly, returning the kiss with as much anger as you could. Yeah, you wanted him to fuck you, but you weren't about to let him forget how pissed off you were.

In moments your dress had been pulled over your head and you were pushed onto the bed and Sans body trapped you there. He reconnected your lips. Your kiss was anything but sweet, your teeth were clacking and your lips were swollen. San pulled back once or twice to bite at your bottom lip and pull before it snapped back into place. His hand wound its way into the roots of your hair and yanked.

With your head now pulled away and a dull ache radiated out from your head you groaned and rolled your hips into his feeling him harden through your underwear.

"Your such a needy slut." he spoke with venom while nipping and sucking at your neck, determined to leave as many visible marks as possible.

"Like you aren't?" You scoffed running your nails down his forearms, leaving your own mark on him.

"Shut the fuck up. Do I need to remind you whos in charge here?" He punctuated this with a particularly hard bite on your shoulder. You winced.

"No, I can tell there's no need. I just need to remind you whos slut you are don't I?" He asked in a patronizing tone. "Because your all mine baby, and I am not going to let you forget it."

In a moment he flipped your bodies over and pushed you off him to stand on your own feet in front of where he sat on the bed. You stumbled a little in the process and had to brace yourself on his shoulders. He looked at you unimpressed.

Your arms crossed and your brow furrowed.

"Strip" he commanded easily. You were only in your bra and panties but clearly this was too much for his fully clothed self. You glared.

"You first," you said indignantly. After a beat and a long stare San's hand shot out and clenched your ass hard. You couldn't help the yelp that escaped you.

"Unless you want me to spank you so hard your ass turns purple you should start undressing." He let go of you.

You knew he would keep to that promise so you slowly began to unhook your bra.

"Don't keep me waiting" he spoke in a warning.

You pulled the garment off your shoulders and slid your panties down.

"Finally you learned how to behave" he spoke with indignation. You humpfted unhappily.

"Does my slut, want me to touch her?"

"I think that much is clear," you mumbled.

"Speak up," he demanded.

"Yes!" You groaned. He glared at you for a moment.

"I don't think you deserve it," he replied. Instead, he reached behind himself and grabbed one of Yunho's pillows, and tossed it at your feet.

"You want to get off? Use that." Your stomach filled with dread.

"There is no way I'm doing that," you said, trying to convince yourself as much as him.

"Then I guess your not cumming tonight" he spoke flatly, staring you down. You stared at him in disbelief.

"Go on," he insisted. You felt your resolve slip as the ache in your core grew. Slowly but surely you knelt down and straddled the pillow. In the moments you sat down you were already dreading this. It was far too soft and smooth to gain any kind of fiction without some serious work. You already felt humiliated without having done anything yet.

"Look at me," San directed from the bed. Your pink face turned to look at him. He looked damn good as always, practically glowing in the bedroom haze. You couldn't help but clench the plush between your thighs. One more expectant look from San made you move.

After the first drag of your pussy against the pillow you almost cried at the lack of sensation. It was unfair how little feeling you got from it. But in San's eyes, you could see that that was exactly what he was looking for, the desperation.

You began moving your hips again. You were rutting your pussy against the pillow as fast as you could chasing the tiny bit of relief that came each time. You were already panting from all the work, grunting each time your clit dragged against the too soft fabric.

Slowly the pleasure was starting to build and you could feel the wetness pouring out of you dampening the cushion bellow you. Now that it was wet the material was a bit rougher so you got a little more of the friction you desired. Your eyes meet your boyfriend's dark gaze.

"Not so big now are you? Humping a pillow just because I told you to. Acting like my good little slut. Whose slut are you?" The filth spewed out of Sans mouth leaving you breathless, you were hesitant to admit defeat so you stayed silent. After a beat, Sans boot lifted from where it was planted on the carpet and dug into your thigh dangerously close to your sopping pussy. You whined as he stilled your movements. He pushed you down by your thigh keeping you immobilized on the pillow.

"I said, who's slut are you?" He asked in the sickest sweetest voice, leaning down slightly forcing the eye contact you wanted to break. When his boot dug even harder into you, stinging in the process you finally felt your resolve crumble.

"I'm your slut," you said barely above a whisper.

"Didn't quite catch that babe," he encouraged.

"I'm your slut," the words came out much more forceful this time to the point you almost shouted it. As soon as they were out of your mouth you burned in shame, looking away from the growing smirk on his face.

"All mine," the words slipped out almost absentmindedly. He reached out at cupped your burning cheeks and titled your head up.

"Come here baby,"

You obeyed him eagerly. Your hips ached a bit from the exertion but you stood perfectly still and waiting in front of him. San eyed your body up and down, reaching out to feel up every inch of you. He took special care to play with your thighs, messaging them in his strong hands for a moment. You keened happily in his touch, letting him play with you however he wanted. It helped some to ease the burn but that wasn't his goal. His hand slipped between your legs and slid between your folds.

You realized a shaky moan in response, almost jumping away as you were still so sensitive. But you stayed put.

"My little slut is being so good, letting me toy with her pussy like this." He cooed at you, fueling your blushing face. His finger ran up and down your most sensitive area sometimes stopping to pinch your clit or cup your heat entirely, but never slip inside. That he was avoiding. You felt so empty knowing he was right there, so close to filling you up but still not doing it.

You whined wantonly.

"What's wrong sweetheart," he smirks at you.

"San, please fill me up?" You begged.

"My baby wants to get fucked like a slut?" He asks, one finger prodding your hole but still not entering. You cried out in desperation.

"Yes! Yes please!"

"OK baby," he finally replied in a soothing tone, but the retracting hand made you quiver, you were so needy but you had yet to be given any kind of release and it was killing you.

"Hands and knees, baby"

You scrabbled onto the bed to do as you were told, presenting your ass to him as well as you could with a slight arch to your back. You could hear his low chuckle behind you. You felt him stand up momentarily and heard the familiar sound of a belt buckle to show he was finally undressing. You wanted to look at him so bad but you didn't want to take even the slightest risk right now.

Finally, he climbed onto the bed behind you, cupping your ass tenderly in both hands with a small squeeze.

"So pretty, and it's all mine" you heard him speak. You mumbled in agreement with a nod. You breathed heavily in anticipation, waiting to finally feel something.

In one unexpected movement, San sheathed his cock into you. Your cries were so loud you were sure they could be heard over the pending music in the next room, but you didn't care. It felt so nice to be full.

San was never one for preamble so it only took a moment for him to start to pound his cock into you at an inhuman pace. The sound of the music was now being completely drowned out by the cries from you, the grunts from San, the slapping skin, and the obscene wet sound coming from your pussy.

San knew his way around your body so well, it only took a moment for him to find that special spot inside you that had you spiraling, your front half collapsed onto the bed, muffling the sounds coming out of you. It only lasted a second though before a rough grip took hold on the back of your head. San yanked you up by your hair keeping your mouth free to spew filth.

The pain in your scalp returned as your boyfriend leaned down to whisper in your ear through his own panting breath, still nailing into your hole.

"Don't you dare, keep your head up and let them hear just how much of a slut you are for me." He spoke deadly serious. Your reply was a loud cry of his name that echoed around the room.

His focus returned to fucking you to tears, which is about where you were as you felt the first pricks of wetness in the corners of your eyes.

San was speaking again,

"Whos are you baby? Tell me who is it that's fucking you this good?" He practically shouted the words at you, his cock was sliding deliciously in and out so quickly that before you could even register his pull out he was slamming back in dragging your walls as he went pulling even more wetness out with each thrust. Your eyes were rolling back but you answered somewhat absently.

"Yours San, all yours" after the words left your mouth the first time you couldn't seem to stop, constantly spewing the word "yours" over and over again. San began repeating his reply as well with a little more force,

"All mine."

San removed his hand from your hair but you kept your head up however difficult it was when he was fucking you like that. Instead, both of your boyfriend's hands took hold of your waist, and with this newfound grip, he was pulling you back to meet his thrusts. Each push now had even more force behind it and you could feel your release fast approaching.

"San-" you tried to speak but lost the words in your mouth.

"I know baby, my little cockslut is going to cum all over me isn't she?" You cried out your affirmation when your words failed you.

"Go ahead sweetheart, cum while a fill your pussy up even more."

You finally came and came hard. It was by the will of God you kept yourself upright as your orgasm washed over you, especially with San still keeping pace although it began faltering as his orgasm crashed around him. You felt the sticky cum shoot into you in ropes coating your inner walls, making your orgasm even more fulfilling.

After a moment San stops moving. You could feel him begin to soften inside you but you were still clenching hopelessly against him. Your arms finally gave way and you came crashing down. San kneeled above you catching his breath before falling onto the bed beside you. He dared to pull you close to observe your face.

A sudden smirk arose on his perfect features.

"I won,"

"You asswipe."

[phoenixtakaramono]

Character Design Thoughts for Shen Yuan & Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky in ‘The Untold Tale’

(This is a Follow Up to This Post)

Hello, @averydrearydiana! Loved reading through your tags! I’m excited that you’re excited! Since I’m also seeing comments on AO3 speculating about how our transmigrators are going to appear as in The Untold Tale, I might as well give my current thoughts and have this archived on tumblr for future reference.

A fun fact about TUT is that a lot of the imagery in the story is inspired by Chinese PVs and popular C-dramas and literature. Since TUT is conceived as a lovestory to SVSSS, one element that I’d wanted to incorporate is playful attempts at satirical genre deconstruction. With that comes with me playfully poking fun at some clichés or things I’ve noticed in Chinese works.

Shen Yuan’s Celestial Design

Before I talk about his mortal appearance, I have to give a lil context about his celestial design in the story. We already know what he looks like as the celestial fortuneteller in TUT’s cover art that I’ve already posted on tumblr. As everyone knows, I was heavily inspired by this Chinese PV:

(TUT ch1 - Excerpt)

Among the things I’ve noticed are the fictional characters with white hair. We have a whole subculture of fans liking male character designs with white hair in anime and animation. Taking that a step further, they’ve even shown up in C-dramas, i.e. Teng She from Love and Redemption (technically more blond than platinum white, but shhhhh, just let me have this), Dong Hua Dijun from Eternal Love of Dream aka Three Lives Three Worlds, Ten Miles of Peach Blossoms (rest assured, I’m aware of the source material’s controversy, but let’s not get into that here), etc. One of the tags for TUT is Opposites Attract. Luo Binghe’s color coordination is aligned with black and red mostly. Now, visually speaking, what’s the opposite of that?

The yin yang symbol.

Fun fact, besides black vs white, green (SY) is the complementary color of red (LBG) on the color wheel. Now taking everything I’ve said, to take it even one step further, my thought process at the time was, “why not go the extra mile then and just have SY be albino? Within context of the Heavenly Realm, that character design makes sense.” TUT is me subtly riffing off what I can (for the good ol’ meta humor), but making the content come across as a legitimate story experience. As Protagonist A and Protagonist B, LBG and SY have to look visually striking together. With all that said, let’s talk about....

(In reference to the original tumblr post)

Shen Yuan (Mortal)

I’ll keep some elements of his albinism from his celestial form (light sensitivity and pale skin mostly), but SY’s mortal form is essentially SY pre-transmigration but within context of the xianxia genre.

For his appearance, let’s just keep this Author’s Note^ and TUT’s summary in the back of our brains. This is the fanvid I was originally inspired by for SY’s mortal appearance:

(TUT Summary - Excerpt)

For what he wears, I’m currently feeling very heavily inspired by this PV:

His mortal appearance wouldn’t be considered as “strange” or “otherworldly” compared to the “ethereal fairy-like beauty” SY retains in the Heavenly Realm, but as a side-effect of the 【PROTAGONIST’S HALO】 and his +20 CHARISMA stat, he would still be considered attractive to people even when he takes on a mortal appearance. (Mainly, I like the idea of Bing gē taking large shots of vinegar seeing SY turning heads no matter which appearance SY takes on, and Luo Binghe glaring at these “insects” for even “daring to lay their unworthy eyes on his fated person.” The thought of it just makes me laugh.)

What I mean by how SY’s mortal form being very much based on how SY appeared pre-transmigration but in the xianxia genre context, I mean he’ll have his dark hair (but longer), a “scholarly air” (as a nod to his novelist background), dark eyes, and even his glasses technically (the divine monocle mentioned in ch3, which is also a subtle nod to Sha Po Lang and a riff on men wearing monocles in other Chinese works andit’salsoforeshadowingbutshhhh).

(TUT ch3 - Excerpt)

Shen Yuan originally was an author in his forties pre-transmigration, so I like the idea him having a mature air about him in the Cultivation World as well. So for both our Protagonist B’s celestial and mortal appearances, the idea is that you can look at him and immediately recognize him as a protagonist of the danmei setting. My only two prerequisites are that his appearance screams “hello, I’m Protagonist B” and that he appears in “scholarly” attire.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Mortal)

Keeping in mind the original tumblr post where I wrote my thoughts on who I’m transmigrating him as, currently I’m thinking it’s a combination of these two PVs for his mortal form:

As a nod to him being a successful novelist, I wanted him to also appear scholarly. A scholarly crown prince, if you will. For his attire, imagine all the C-drama clothing you’ve seen actors wear in period dramas, and you already have a good idea already of the direction I’m heading down.

As the prince of the cannon fodder emperor, I very much like the idea of Airplane perhaps having a baby face and brown hair (as a small nod to fanon!SQH from SVSSS) but with a great body (a huge source of inspiration are clothing worn by Prince Yu and Prince Jing of the three princes from the C-drama Nirvana in Fire). Since Airplane will also be able to select his Character Creation stats like Shen Yuan had, one thing I’m fairly certain is that he will max out his CONSTITUTION—because “game logic” and not wanting to die. (For those who don’t know, the CON stat in tabletop RPs essentially indicates a person’s overall health, wellbeing, and vigor checks...so him maxing it out is equivalent to him being as invulnerable as a cockroach. A high CON means overall healthiness, which means your character probably is full of energy and vitality, can heal rapidly, and will rarely get sick—if ever. Low CON usually means a higher susceptibility to sickness and disease, wounds that fester and linger, and a general fatigue would haunt you, etc.) Like how SY zeroed in on his CHA, Airplane would have prioritized +20 CON (+5 modifier), especially knowing the fate that’d await him as a prince and the vicious environment that is expected for palace intrigue plots (the harem is a big factor, with concubines and consorts and even the empress sabotaging each other—just to win the favor of one man). Against poison or whatnot which is a cliché in palace intrigue plots, rather than relying on luck, you typically stand a better chance of passing the CON check if you have a high modifier aiding your checks. He’s basically become impervious to illnesses, most poisons (probably being able to spring back quickly), and is considered the healthiest prince in all the mortal imperial line. <- This could be taken both seriously and humorously simultaneously.

Airplane Shooting Towards the Sky (Deity/ Celestial)

For Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī’s “actual divine body” that is currently asleep and won’t be awakened until Airplane completes his mortal trial to “regain his cultivation powers,” the face should obviously be similar but, as Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī, he would appear regal and dignified as a god of this world:

Imagine something along the lines of mortal Airplane as the man on the right, celestial Shen Yuan in the center, and deity/ celestial Airplane as the man on the left. I envision a respectable appearance that would knock the air out of Mobei jūn and make him recognize Airplane despite any visual dissimilarities, and in a way we have the Four Beauties of China: Luo Binghe, Shen Yuan, Mobei jūn, and Xiàng Tiān Dà Fēijī.

I will say I currently have an idea of making Airplane have “golden” eyes in both his celestial and mortal forms. (Spoiler alert: in my notes, I’d written down to give Airplane yellow eyes as an Easter egg to Yanxi Palace, I believe, where there was an episode where someone of the imperial harem schemed against the empress and almost had the newborn baby killed because that and the yellow skin was an inauspicious omen. We later find out through a timely intervention that the true reason was due to jaundice—because of the diet/ pregnancy cravings she ate for a period of time which resulted in her son’s symptoms. With Airplane’s high CON and another trope I’m bringing in which’ll have to do with the Medicine King’s Valley/ Valley of the Medicine King, his yellow eyes are the only side effect that lingered from that traumatic event which would have killed him had they gotten away with their scheme. A lot of palace dramas have to do with the vicious harem plots, so this would potentially be one such example.) The reason being that this is the identifying marker for MBJ to clue in that they’re the same man he will have loved. And I think that has romantic potential.

Misc.

Now addressing the other tags, yes, essentially speaking, Mobei jūn might just very well experience his very own Big Damn Reunion trope that Bing mèi had suffered from SVSSS. Poor MBJ. He’s in a tumultuous ride of his own with him considering Airplane as his own fated person, hahaha. But for the Moshang dynamic, I want him—a demon—to find himself taken with Airplane in his mortal guise—and subsequently his true celestial appearance once he finds out. I very much also want SY to jokingly snark to his fellow transmigrator-and-writing-colleague about him getting in a relationship with his own “creation” (MBJ). And Airplane would jokingly snark back about SY “ruining his ‘first son’ as well” (LBG). If you can read between the lines of that, then kudos. I’m glad to hear you’re looking forward to the palace intrigue.

I’m especially very happy to hear you’re looking forward to the descriptions! I personally love worldbuilding in the stories I consume I’m an interior designer and realtor irl, so I’m glad my love of house details and landscape, etc shows in TUT. For the pseudohistorical vibe, in the Mortal Realm, I will be referencing the Forbidden City of our Chinese history and a couple popular period C-dramas. Take the settings of period C-dramas like Ruyi’s Royal Love in the Palace, Yanxi Palace, and Nirvana in Fire as examples for what will be awaiting us when we finally meet Airplane in his mortal body. In the Heavenly Realm, the descriptions will be heavily referencing shows that contain aesthetics such as those of Ashes of Love, Love and Redemption, and Eternal Dream.

Take this with a grain of salt just in case I change my mind later on, but in the chapter when we meet Airplane for the first time, I probably won’t say which character he is in the first scene. I’ll give plenty of hints in the first scene so that you all can make your guesses before the big reveal, but I’m fairly confident you all or most of you will be able to pinpoint who he is among the cannon fodders. We’ll meet the emperor, who is discussing with his sons about the matter regarding the approaching calamity that is Luo Binghe. Then when we transition into the second scene, we’ll know exactly which “royal prince OC” it is that our beloved Airplane has transmigrated into, hahaha.

(*Keep in mind, for everything written above, some details are subject to change. Nothing is official until it appears in the story, or I’ve actually drawn my ideas out and posted online to both my tumblr and twitter. These are just my current thoughts.)

A goal of mine for TUT is to make the story widely accessible, meaning it doesn’t matter if the reader is new to the SVSSS fandom or aren’t familiar with the Easter egg references or meta jokes or subtext or even the Chinese culture, or even if English is not their first language. Having knowledge beforehand might help someone notice more hidden details in TUT, yes, but it is a humble wish of this writer for her esteemed readers to be able to dive into the story and get the enjoyable feeling like they’re reading a genuine danmei novel. It really makes me smile whenever I hear feedback that I am able to emulate that experience.

Very exciting developments indeed are in store!

[the-tharns-speak]

General impression on each of the providences (sans, perhaps, Cyrodill, if you’ve already covered that), both positive and negative? (Leaving it up to you whether or not you want to cover the various sub-cultures (I.e. East vs West Skyrim, the great houses of Morrowind, Forebears vs Crowns, etc), and to what degree you wish to cover them (the various tribes of Black Marsh, Valenwood, and clans of Elsweyr).

A broad topic, I know, but curiosity lends itself to asking theses kinds of question. Like I said, feel free to answer at your leisure; don’t want to annoy you with a question that requires an ungodly long post.

I’ll tackle it briefly and not go into too many details, we don’t have that much time, I think.

High Rock - I could do with it being so... wet, but all that industry makes it hard to enjoy the place. The fashion and cuisine are enjoyable... in small amounts and only for short period of time. Longer than a week in one of those over-starched collars or a corset they decidedly call “formal waistcoat” and someone is going to wind up dead, be in me or whoever gets in my way. Nice stocking though, gotta give it that.

Wrothgar - Cold, full of orcs. If I was to be sent to exile, this would be probably the perfect place to deposit me.

Skyrim - Cold and full of Nords, therefore worse than Wrothgar. Has no proper alcohol or savoury cuisine, the fashion scene is a disaster. Rampant magic-phobia, so not a place I’d favour. It’s only saving grace is the Reach which unapologetically shoves middle-finger into everyone’s eyes and doesn’t bother to pretend it is keeping up pace with anyone else.

Morrowind - Has all the bad parts of Nibenay: cutthroat relationships, insects, overgrown mould. Throw into slavery and religion of dubious consent and you get with the best textile export of Tamriel. I still prefer to interact with Morrowind through an intermediate.

Black Marsh - “What doesn’t kill you will give you the worst trip of your life.” Still, the Black Marsh is not that bad once you get your hands on a solid mosquito detergent, but the smell of the mud will linger for months. The Argonians are quite nice people as long as you mind where you step. It isn’t a horrible place to be, it’s just... why would you stay there? There is virtually nothing to do except fish, wrestle crocodiles and harvest leeches.

Elsweyr - Too hot, and also the locals aren’t exactly fond of me as of lately. Tooth-rotting sugar everywhere. One could have a great fun crawling through all the forgotten ruins, because unlike they with the Ayleid ones you have a sort of guarantee that you won’t find horrible abominations that will make you wish you had gouged your own eyes and eaten them, but once you realise that every riddle or puzzle just uses virtually the same answer (”Moons”), it gets old incredibly quickly. It’d make a great place for a fishing trip, though.

Valenwood - Zenithar’s bountiful bosom, let me complete my herbarium in peace!

Hammerfell - Since there is almost nothing to do in the desert but to wander and think your thoughts, Hammerfell produces way too many fighting philosophers. Some trees should be planted there or something. This much space is not healthy, and all those wannabe-wise men are getting on my nerves. I used to think it was just Sai Sahan, but no, it’s the entire Hammerfell.

Summerset - If the whole place sunk to the sea, we’d lose some of the most beautiful sceneries in the entire Tamriel and 83 % of the most hateful and vitriolic people on Mundus and quite possibly beyond. As far as I am concerned, that’s a tradeoff I am willing to make.

[livingwithkami]

The importance of legitimacy of Shinto clergy and shrines

Date of posting: Saturday, April 10th, 2021 By: Rev. Olivia Bernkastel

Hello everyone! It's been a long time since I've posted an article of mine. It's been a very difficult time, especially with COVID-19, and I hope everyone has been keeping safe and healthy.

This is a topic I felt was too important to not write about, especially that it has come to the attention of other Shinto clergy online and myself, that a number of illegitimate shrines and individuals claiming to be priests or Miko with no authority to be doing so have come up in the past few months, and I don't want people to be misled.

 I have compiled a list of legitimate Shinto and Shinto-related presences overseas here, so please see here: https://www.livingwithkami.com/shrines

I want to write about this topic a little so the reason of why it is so important can be understood.

I am not sure why the above issues occur so often personally; but in my time online I feel this stems from various issues.

A main issue I have noticed is that Shinto is often equated with, or regarded as under a type of Paganism, and this is a misnomer. 

Shinto a living, unbroken way of living and tradition that has existed since ancient times in Japan and never died out. 

Pagan religions are those that have existed since ancient times, but at some point the tradition, knowledge, and organization of such religions were lost to time. 

 There are some groups that try to re-establish these ways with revivals, but it is not the same as a living tradition, especially not the same as a living tradition tied deeply and inseparably to Japan and Japanese culture.

In Pagan spheres, anyone can claim to be a priest and set a shrine/temple because there has been no formal continued living tradition, organization, schools, or authorities (such as licensed clergy or elders) that set a standard since ancient times.

Shinto, in contrast, does have all of these factors. For example, in the Pagan sphere for the Greco-Roman gods, if we take for example a temple of Apollo, it would have once been active and bustling, but then overtime the religion in the region changed and the temple would have been left to ruin for thousands of years. 

In contrast for Shinto, a shrine could have been established a thousand years ago and still stands to this day, upheld and caretaken by all the generations before and into the present day. 

This is a large part of why not just anyone can call themselves clergy or set a place of worship. Shinto clergy must learn from, and respect the history, culture, traditions, and sincerity of the generations of everyone before them, as the respective past clergy and authorities before them have done so upholding the traditions unbroken.

 And it is of utmost important for everyone to know to uphold this understanding and learn properly, so the traditions and practices in our religion can be preserved and respected properly as well for many years in the future, especially as it spreads more overseas outside of Japan.

Especially for myself, as one who before becoming a licensed priest did not know any better, and had trusted illegitimate shrines and individuals to my demerit. Since that time, I have wanted to ensure that people are aware and have the knowledge to safeguard themselves from illegitimacy.

Since learning much more, there are many key factors to tell if one is legitimate or not. 

One key thing is the lack of transparency, the lack of willingness to explain the roots or origin of their practice in Japan, which is a very key important point. No mention of a Mother shrine that theirs has come from, and not understanding the fundamentals of Shinto practice, let alone Japanese culture in which the two are inextricably intertwined and cannot be split from one another. 

Clergy must have an intimate knowledge of Japanese culture, especially considering all must train in Japan for a period of time and learn the culture, especially to be familiar with the language, and strive for fluency, as a part of the licensing and ordainment procedures no matter the faith.

 Especially for the case of properly transmitting the way to chant Norito Prayers, and in writing the Main Prayer to Kami-sama, this is so important.

Personally speaking in my faith, Konkokyo, I did not need to know Japanese fluency initially, but I still must strive to learn it and I am held to eventually know fluency, especially here in Japan to properly understand certain untranslatable concepts, prayers, and so forth.

I must also continuously strive to humbly learn from all my teachers and elders here, and ensure to be able to transmit the culture and traditions properly.

 I had failed to aptly do this in the past, and therefore I have taken a long hiatus to learn more and absorb more before sharing. 

But I digress, I write this so it can be understood how important and how deep it goes within Shinto, that the fact this is a living tradition with many faiths within it, tied so closely to Japanese culture and history, that cannot be forgotten.

 Especially if we want to ensure it's upheld outside of Japan.

Thank you so much for reading.

[recurring-polynya]

What’s your opinion on pre-canon Renruki?

I think that they already had a romantic or almost romantic relationship back in the Academy, maybe even back in Rukongai, and the reason it wasn’t explicit is because firstly it would have spoiled the endgame couples, and secondly it’s a shonen, so it’s implied.

I think they fooled around when they were orphans in Inuzuri. They grew up together, they were always together in their “teenage” years (however adolescence works for souls😅), I think it’s not impossible that they had their first experience, if just their first kiss and make out session, with each other. When they joined the Academy, they spent less time together due to their different courses, and I think Rukia’s sad expression when Renji leaves for the mission in the real world depicts that (along with worry for him, and maybe even jealousy for his achievements compared to hers). By then I think they were quite intimate, they fooled around sometimes (with the little time they had) and knew the other’s and their own feelings, but never said anything like “I love you”, or talked seriously about the depth of their relationship. If they were “just friends”, as some antis like to claim, they wouldn’t have been so heartbroken, have so many regrets and felt so guilty during their separation. And why that separation in the first place? It’s not a matter of class difference, because Rukia did talk to people of inferior status, like her Squad mates. What’s actually forbidden to people from different classes is relationships. If Renruki was just a friendship, there would have been no problem, but their bond was beyond that. Rukia wanted Renji to tell her to stay with him, but his feelings of inferiority and belief that Rukia deserved better (maybe even better than him) prevented him to do it. Their separation doesn’t feel like an end to a friendship to me, it feels like a breakup. They avoided each other because it hurt so much, and they couldn’t bear to have any relationship other than a romantic one, which was impossible once she became a Kuchiki.

After the Soul Society arc, they got back together. They were physically too comfortable around each other to be just friends, like when he basically hugged her to encourage her to go back to Soul Society when Orihime is kidnapped (and maybe he was also comforting her), or when, during the fight with the Fullbringers, he casually placed her head resting on his thigh. By then they were secretly dating, in my opinion. In the last arc they were always together, it’s so easy imagining them as a couple.

What do you think? Is my interpretation far fetched? I’d like to hear your theories about their feelings, when they blossomed, when they confessed, if they had something going on during their Academy years…

Thank you if you decide to answer!🤍

Well, as you say, Bleach is a shounen, and also I don’t think Kubo was particularly interested in including romance in the story, so I don’t think there is a correct or incorrect interpretation. It’s left to the reader to imagine what they like. I don’t think “spoiling the endgame” has anything to do with anything.

I don’t think your interpretation is “too far-fetched,” although I don’t happen to agree with it. There’s very little to go on in canon, people can fill in the gaps in whatever way makes them happy/makes sense to them. I have exactly 0 interest in arguing with people on the internet about stuff like this. I enjoy reading fanfiction that has wildly different interpretations from my own, I generally love to hear a variety of ideas, although I generally prefer the format of a narrative over Tumblr posts (funny, since I do seem to write a lot of them).

Anyway, here are a bunch of opinions. This is way, way too long, so I'm gonna throw it under a cut.

That being said, you have some really amatonormative ideas in there that I do take issue with. Friendships absolutely can be as deep and important as romantic relationships. I categorically reject the idea that a romantic bond is stronger than a friendship one or that acts of physical affection necessarily imply a romantic relationship. I actually have no beef at all with people who want to read Rukia and Renji’s story as a very strong friendship. I do think it was still reasonable for Renji to avoid her during their separation, even if his goal wasn’t romance. He wanted to see her live a better life, and didn’t want to drag her down. Yeah, sure, if he just wanted to be a casual workplace friend, he probably could have joined Squad 13 and seen her once in a while. But, especially in the early days, it would have been a bad look for Rukia to continue socializing with people deeply below her station, and I feel in my heart that Byakuya would have forbidden her from seeing Renji if he found out she was hanging out with someone from her Inuzuri days, even if it was just casual. Yeah, there exist people who say Rukia and Renji are "just friends" for the sake of other preferred ships, but also, like, so what? Who cares? That’s a lot better than making Renji out to be a bad person or trashing his character. To be honest, I am generally happy to read a fanfic that had some other Renji or Rukia pairing if it actually contained some solid Renruki best friend content (I have found a few 369 fics that do this, and maybe also in the little bit of RenIchi content I have read, so, uh, good job, my gays. This is sometimes touched on in ByaRen fics, but usually not as much as I want, althought I also tend to hold these to a high bar, because if I have to deal with Byakuya in my fanfics, they should have to deal with the Rukia-Renji friendship 😂)

Anyway, you asked for my interpretation, so here it is . These are all just, like, my opinions, man:

Life in Inuzuri just really, really, really sucks, and Rukia and Renji both have a lot of trauma and emotional hang-ups from that time. I think they forged a deep emotional connection during this time that was probably a little too codependent to actually be healthy. They had no models of healthy families or relationships. I also think they were incredibly close to Fujimaru, Kosaburou, and Mameji, and that even if they wanted to have a romantic relationship, they wouldn’t have, at the risk of ruining the more important bonds of the larger group.

In my fanfic, in their last days in Inuzuri, I do have them fool around for a brief period. It coincides with the deterioration of the bond with their last surviving friend, leading to his death. I did this for trauma reasons, because that’s how writers are.

“Communication” is probably the most important theme in my writing, and a thing I bring up all the time is that young Rukia and Renji had a thousand ways of communicating survival-based things between each other, and 0 ways of communicating how they felt about each other.

I did a post on this recently, but their whole gang was incredibly powerless in Inuzuri. They lived on the fringes of society and stole scraps to survive. I think that their number one duty to one another was to survive. In the anime, Rukia swears that she will never leave Inuzuri, that she will always stay with her friends. I think the reason she does an about-face is not just because their friends are gone, but because she realizes that she will lose Renji next, and the only way to prevent that is for both of them to get stronger. Neither of them actually wants to become a soul reaper. They do it for each other.

I think that Renji would have remained in Inuzuri and tried to make a life as best they could, but Rukia knew this was futile, and where Rukia goes, Renji follows.

I think they purposely maintained distance at the Academy. Just as in Inuzuri, their primary duty to one another is to survive and thrive. They were rejected and mocked for their low origins, and hanging out together would have made this worse. I think it hurt Rukia that Renji made new friends, but on the other hand, they were exactly the sort of people who would help him get a leg up in the Gotei. Rukia’s Academy days were very painful because she saw Renji succeeding, just as she wanted, but leaving her behind in the process. Conversely, Renji got super focused on doing well, with the idea that he could pull Rukia up behind him, except for the part where he never actually told her that.

I feel like I’m in the minority here, but so much fanfic focuses on Rukia and/or Renji being “wrong” in the scene where he tells her to go to the Kuchiki, but I disagree! Everything they have done is in order to get to a better life! It is Renji’s duty to encourage her to leave him behind. He doesn’t want to be an anchor holding her down. Likewise, Rukia knows that if she doesn’t go, she’s just gonna be a burden on him. Their relationship has always been about each of them surviving separately over having happiness together. Up to now, they’ve always managed to find each other again, although this kinda looks like it might be it for them. Do these kids need to go to therapy? Yes! Did they do anything wrong? No!

I think about this a lot, but even if Rukia had turned down the adoption (which… I’m not actually sure she could have), even the offer would have ruined their relationship. Imagine that Renji asks her to stay, and she does. Maybe they even get together at this point. Every rough patch, every time there’s money troubles, this spectre of “Rukia could have been a Kuchiki” is going to hang over them. In fiction, there is often an idea of sacrifice being a one-time romantic gesture, but in my real life experience, this sort of thing hangs around like an unwanted ghost. I can, in fact, envision a scenario where this is exactly how Aizen manages to get his hooks in Renji, by offering Rukia an unseated spot in Squad 5, even though she “isn’t really good enough to deserve it” and “taking care of them.”

I am really fascinated with Rukia’s crush on Kaien/Miyako. Bold proclamation here, but I think there is something developmentally healthy about young people having crushes on the older people in their lives, provided that said older people treat them with respect and dignity and don’t take advantage of it in any way. Crushes are, by their nature of being unreciprocated, a safe way for young folks to imagine the sort of people and relationships they want to have in their lives. I headcanon Rukia as bisexual, and maybe also a little bit genderfluid, and she had these two extremely cool people in her life, whom she maybe wanted to be and maybe wanted to kiss and maybe to have a marriage like that some day. I… like to think that their role in her life healed some of her trauma before their death caused even more.

Fully into headcanons now, but I like to think that Renji had a parallel experience, with, of all people, Ikkaku and Yumichika. Like him, they came from the ass-end of Rukongai, but they stuck together instead of bowing to the social mores of the Seireitei. It is critical to note that they were able to do this through strength. This is literally not a thing that Renji and Rukia could have done, but at the same time, Renji sees this as the kind of relationship he wants to have with a partner. He doesn’t want to look after Rukia and protect her, he wants to fight back-to-back with her and then make out afterwards. He’s still convinced that he needs to go through the proper class channels to see Rukia again, but without their influence, I don’t think he ever would have been able to say “fuck it” and turn on his captain during the Soul Society Arc.

Meeting Ichigo and dealing with his unreasonable need to protect everyone he cares about, personally, was also a huge blow to Rukia and Renji’s “I cannot allow the other person to take any risks for my sake” hang-up. Ichigo has his own traumas, which are entirely different from Renruki’s, but the one thing he had was growing up in a loving family. (Isshin has his problems, but I feel strongly that he always made his kids feel like his love was unconditional). I’m not saying that making friends with a shounen protagonist is a good replacement for therapy, but it does have healing properties.

Entirely off-topic, but I feel like Ichigo is incredibly selfish in the way of Terry Pratchett’s witches: “All witches are selfish, the Queen had said. But Tiffany’s Third Thoughts said: Then turn selfishness into a weapon! Make all things yours! Make other lives and dreams and hopes yours! Protect them! Save them! Bring them into the sheepfold! Walk the gale for them! Keep away the wolf! My dreams! My brother! My family! My land! My world! How dare you try to take these things, because they are mine!

Where were we? Oh, yeah. I honestly think that it is unknowable when in canon Rukia and Renji confessed. I already covered this pretty thoroughly in this post. I hate the idea that they were secretly dating. Renji worked incredibly hard to get his post and I think that both his job and Byakuya’s respect are very important to him. I do not think he would put either of those things at risk like that, nor would Rukia want him to. I tend to prefer a slow-burn approached, and I honestly think they got together during the 17-mo timeskip at the earliest, and more likely post-canon entirely, although I think them confessing in the Royal Realm is the spiciest possible outcome, so that’s what most of my fanfic cleaves to.

[marygaby25]

Guys there is something I want to talk about, it's a scene from "Captain America: The First Avenger".

I clarify beforehand I am not criticizing neither the actress; because she did and said what was in the script she is not to blame; nor the character because although she has her character in the comics she would not do something like that. My criticism goes to the writers and screenwriters, even to the directors who do this kind of scenes.

Remember that scene of Peggy catching Steve making out with a girl, then because she's still upset she shoots him?

Well, Peggy wouldn't do that.

I know, it's a Sharon blog, but come on guys how do you hate one of the people Sharon loves the most and more if they do to her what they did to Peggy.

When Peggy shoots a whole load of bullets at him without knowing if the shield was working, Steve had time to raise the shield or have the bullets ricochet to someone else; just because she found Steve making out with another girl seems over the top to me. I see the scene and the look on Steve's face, Howard Stark's face and everyone in the room is freaked out.Normal, but what's not normal is that Steve would be attracted to that, that anyone in general would be attracted to that.Or that he would still want to have something with someone like that.

Honestly I know maybe they wanted to make Peggy tough or in character, but that's out of control and abusive. I don't blame Peggy's character, nor the actress I repeat. My call of attention is that the writers normalize jealousy to such a degree, it is normal that sometimes people are jealous at times because we are human, but when it is at that level of uncontrolled, visit a specialist because it is not healthy for anyone.

Well, I know it is a universe of heroes and everything is fantasy, but imagine that in real life? It's not very sane; imagine the scene in reverse, a guy does that to a girl he officially has nothing with (and even if he's officially a couple it's unacceptable) it wouldn't be very approving anymore would it?

Why do I bring this up, because it bothers me what they did with Peggy, do you really think Peggy would stoop that low or act like that? Well, no. Maybe Sharon would be bitter and give him a couple of somewhat harsh words; until she finds out it was that they stole a kiss from him, then she would be embarrassed and make fun of him. Peggy on the other hand is an English girl, full of class, sophisticated, rough, but elegant. She will most likely ignore him, give him cold sidelong glances, trying to be as polite as possible and pretend it didn't hurt.

You know, just as they wrote this Peggy scene that has nothing to do with the character.

What they did with Sharon in TFTWS is the same. For those who think Sharon is just a blonde, pretty girl and Steve's love interest; they couldn't be more wrong.

Sharon is not only Agent 13 of SHIELD. She is a warrior and fighter, for a long time she was abandoned behind enemy lines (Steve didn't help her because he thought she was dead) that period she was raped, tortured, starved, cold and was in a tiny cell full of filth. Sharon is a survivor, instead of being filled with hate and destroying SHIELD for revenge she helped Steve save the world, then she saved Steve, she helped save the world again, she joined SHIELD again, Fury chose her as interim director of SHIELD, you know the rest saving the world and Steve's ass a few more times; those things heroes do, because even if it hurts some Sharon is a heroine

Natasha, what they did with natasha in her movie is priceless. Marvel said it was a Black Widow movie, basically I felt they only made the movie to introduce new characters,mind you I'm not against them introducing new characters, nor am I against new characters. the movie is mostly there for us to know where Yelena came from, because she might try to kill Clint and mention Valentina de Fontei. Not to show Natasha's past, the most they could show is that she was stolen from her mother, some of her childhood with Yelena and what they were doing to her in the black widow program (we already knew about the program from the age of ultron) . It would have been better to set that first attempt of Natasha to destroy the black widow program, you can also include the characters of Yelena, Melina, Red Guardian, then at the end it is revealed that it is a lie that she dismantled it because Dreykov. It would have been great if they showed us when he trained with the winter soldier so that "don't you remember me?" line would make more sense, address their relationship whether romantic or emotional by seeking comfort in each other and have them separated because together they are a danger to hydra and Dreykov if they are revealed, that will definitely increase natasha's contempt for both organizations even more. Who didn't want to see the first meeting with Clint and not just be half told, see Natasha wanting to know about her mother, that SHIELD recruitment by Nick Fury, a private funeral with those closest to her. Eye I'm not saying the movie was bad, just that they could have given an origin movie approach to how that growing up process was or what Natasha went through before she became the SHIELD agent of avengers, because the Natasha from civil war we already knew.

for the fans of the characters I name what I say I do it because it is enough that marvel gives an image of the characters that are not, not because I have something negative towards them.

Nat's movie deserved to be treated differently, not like it's necessary to bring out a Nat movie because the original six have one (Clint has a series) and other characters need to be introduced.

Peggy didn't deserve to have them try to show her "character" or "rudeness" in that way as if she has no self control or is a celopath

Sharon did not deserve to be treated as a romantic interest and spiteful villain.

That most of the things that are affected are female characters.

So guys don't let the MCU give you what they want and you accept without protest. Analyze and be demanding so marvel doesn't keep ruining stories.

[engie-ivy]

Since I loved writing the first one, I wrote another fic for @swottypotter Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest. I really wanted to write a birthday-themed fic for 23/09, as today is my birthday🎉 So this is my birthday treat to you😅

It became way longer than I intended, so my (theme-related) apologies.

23/09: an apology

Summary:

Keeping your relationship healthy can be a challenge. In the middle of a war, dealing with secrets, false accusations and unjust suspicions, it’s even more of a challenge. But a fight can lead to an apology, an apology can lead to forgiveness, and forgiveness just might lead to happiness. And as it turns out, not all secrets are bad.

If tomorrow the world crumbles

Sirius is freaking out. Outwardly, nothing seems amiss. He’s sitting at the kitchen table in the flat he shares with Remus, reading the Daily Prophet. Inwardly, however, he’s on the verge of panic. He has been on edge all morning, his hands are fidgeting, and he has been staring at the same sentence for the last hour.

You see, Sirius doesn’t know where Remus is. Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem. They’re not attached at the hip. They’re in a healthy relationship and respect each other’s independence. But Remus is acting secretive, which still wouldn’t have been such a problem, if they didn’t have loaded conversation about that very thing just a few weeks ago. The war had been taking its toll on them and miscommunication, false accusations and unjust suspicions were threatening to break their relationship.

It started when James asked Sirius to come over for a meeting with him, Lily and Dumbledore. The threat to Lily and James was getting more serious and they needed to talk about an option that involved Sirius’s help. James asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Sirius didn’t even consider this to include Remus, and he thinks James didn’t either. What Sirius knows, Remus knows, that’s just how it is. The only reason Sirius didn’t tell Remus right away, was because Remus just happened to not be home at the time.

During the meeting, Dumbledore informed them about something called the Fidelius charm, and how it was James and Lily’s best chance of survival if the situation were to get worse. They talked about the technicalities of the charm, the best practice of how to implement it, and the possibility of Sirius being the Secret Keeper. By the end of that first meeting, it was Dumbledore who asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Once again, Sirius had agreed, without considering it to include Remus as well, but unlike James had done, Dumbledore pressed the issue further. There was a traitor amongst the members of the Order of the Phoenix, and they were completely in the dark about who it could be, so the general rule had to be to not tell anyone, no exceptions. Dumbledore assured Sirius this did not mean they thought Remus was the traitor, it simply meant they didn’t have concrete proof that he wasn’t the traitor. None of them could imagine Remus ever betraying them, but then again, that could be said for all their friends, and one of them was undeniably betraying them, so that line of reasoning simply couldn’t be applied anymore.

So Sirius had to go behind Remus��s back. Sirius went to meetings with Dumbledore, James and Lily without informing Remus. They discussed the information Dumbledore was getting from his non-disclosed spies, and tried to monitor how urgent the threat against James and Lily was, and they discussed the risks that being the Secret Keeper would involve for Sirius (“Are you sure you want to do this, Pads?” “Yes, Prongs, I’m sure.” “Don’t you need more time to decide if you want to put your life at risk just to help me?” “Prongs, I’ve known I’d give my life to protect you since I was twelve. I’ve had plenty of time.”). Every time Sirius got back, he ignored Remus’s questions. He could barely look Remus in the eye, because every time he did, he could see the hurt and confusion. His solution was to avoid Remus as much as he could after these meetings.

If things weren’t already strained, they got really bad when Remus started acting strange. He was going on Order missions much more often. Normally, Sirius knew exactly what type of mission Remus was on. Having someone to talk about it helped them stay sane, and sharing information and gaining more knowledge on the enemy could be beneficial. Now Remus suddenly had all these Order missions Sirius didn’t know anything about, and Remus wouldn’t tell him anything about. It was unsettling. Remus never flat out refused to answer his questions, which Sirius would’ve preferred, as then they could’ve had an apparently much-needed argument, but Remus gave these infuriating meaningless answers. “It went as you would expect.” “You know how these things go.” “It’s no use dwelling on it.” “We did what we had to do.” Remus started to stay away for longer periods of time, and the longer he stayed away, the snippier Sirius got with him. They couldn’t talk about the war or the Order anymore without one of them storming off, but the war consumed every aspect of their lives, so eventually they didn’t seem to be able to talk about anything anymore.

Things went from really bad to even worse when suspicion started creeping in. Sirius tried to think rational, to not let himself be blinded by his feelings for Remus, which were, despite everything, still so strong, but to look at the facts. There was a traitor in their midst and Remus was evidently keeping things from him. Remus caught him looking through some of his papers one night (some cut-out articles on Lycanthropy, some maps of England and Scotland, a letter from his dad; nothing incriminating). Sirius had expected Remus to snap, like he was constantly snapping at Remus these days, but Remus had just stood there and looked at him with so much hurt in his eyes that it made Sirius want to disappear.

The following morning, Remus was gone. Sirius found a note with just four words scribbled on it:

On an Order mission

Remus stayed away for two weeks. All that time, Sirius didn’t hear from him, not a single word, not any sign of life. Every time the thought crossed Sirius’s mind that he didn’t even know if Remus was still alive, it was immediately followed by the thought he didn’t even say goodbye.

Then, after two weeks, Remus came home. It really was as simple as that: opening the door and walking into the kitchen. He looked terrible. Pale, tired, thin, cuts on his hands and face. Sirius had been sitting on the couch and he watched Remus come in, feeling a whole range of emotions coursing through his body. He focussed on the anger and clung to it like a lifeline, as that was the emotion he knew, the emotion he grew up with, the emotion he knew how to express. The other emotions were too unfamiliar, too scary, too revealing.

“Where were you?” Sirius got up from the couch and stood behind Remus, who was standing at the kitchen counter stirring a Strenthening Potion, back turned to Sirius.

“Order mission,” Remus replied, without turning around to face Sirius. “Left a note.”

Sirius folded his arms over his chest. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“No,” Remus replied in a flat tone. “I’m also going to say that I'm tired and I’m going to bed.”

“Fuck you, Remus,” Sirius hissed. “You think a four-word note justifies two weeks of absence?”

Remus finally turned around and glared at Sirius. “I don’t have to justify anything to you.”

“So you can just do whatever the fuck you like then?” Sirius asked. “Disappearing whenever to wherever doing whatever, and leaving me without even an inkling of when you’ll be back?”

“Don’t you dare, Sirius!” Remus shouted, pointing the spoon he was holding at Sirius’s chest, sending a few droplets flying. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t put this all on me when you’re the one who bloody started it. Leaving to secret meetings, not telling me what for or why I wasn’t allowed to join, acting distant and evasive. And I’m supposed to sit you down with a cup of tea and trust you with every detail of my missions when I get back?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “So that’s what this is about then? You don’t trust me. Do you think I’m the traitor, Remus?”

“No, you stupid idiot!” Remus smashed his cup down in the sink. “I don’t think you’re the traitor, I think that you think I’m the traitor, and that’s even fucking worse!”

“Well, what am I supposed to bloody think, then?” Sirius shouted back. “You’re obviously keeping things from me! How is this sketchy behaviour going to make anything better? Why couldn’t you just come talk to me, so you could have proven that you’re not-”

“Because I shouldn’t have to proof anything to you!” A hint of pain was seeping through in Remus’s frustration. “All my life I’ve had to proof myself to everyone, and all my life I’ll have to continue proving myself, simply because of what I am, but not to you. Never to you. You’re supposed to believe in me! You’re the one person who’s supposed to be on my side.”

“And I was,” Sirius said, trying to make Remus understand. “But you know how I am, how I overthink, how I get in my head. And then you leave me alone with my own thoughts without so much as a word?”

“You were already shutting me out,” Remus replied. “Leaving me alone with my anxieties and insecurities.”

“I was gone for a couple of hours, at most,” Sirius defended himself. “You were gone for two weeks, two weeks of me having no idea where you were. Two weeks, Remus! How could you even think that was okay? How could you do that to me? I thought something had happened to you! I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought...”

It was quite a remarkable thing. Sirius looked in Remus’s eyes and suddenly, in a single moment, all his anger seemed to dissipate. Because that was just the thing now, wasn’t it? He thought he was never going to look in those eyes again. He hadn’t been angry, mistrusting or betrayed, he had just been fucking scared. Scared that he was ruining the best thing in his life and didn’t know how to stop it, scared that something had happened to Remus, scared that he had lost him.

All the emotions that used to be hidden underneath thick layers of anger, were suddenly washing over him. Threatening to overwhelm him. Fear, sadness, hurt, guilt... It was too much all at once. Sirius’s legs gave out from under him and he crumbled to the floor. He was crying. For the first time in weeks, he was crying, and now there was no stopping it.

“I thought you weren’t coming back, Moony! And you didn’t even gave me a chance to say goodbye. I thought I would never get to tell you that I love anymore. I was so scared, Moony, I was so scared...”

Sirius felt two arms wrap around him from behind and he was pulled backwards against Remus’s chest. He heard Remus softly talking to him. “I came back, I’m here, I got you, I’m here, I’m not leaving...”

They stayed like that for a while. Remus sitting on his knees, his arms wrapped around Sirius, and Sirius clinging to him. Sirius used the steady rhythm of Remus’s breathing to ground himself. He spoke again when he regained some of his composure.

“I am on your side, you know.”

He felt Remus’s arms tighten around him.

“I never thought you were the traitor,” Sirius continued, and the moment he said it he knew it was true. He had tried to shut off his emotions and only use rational thinking. He had told himself that he couldn’t know for sure Remus was truly loyal to them, and that Remus’s behaviour was suspicious. But no matter how much he had tried to use only logical reasoning, deep in his heart he never truly believed Remus would ever betray them.

“Dumbledore and I were meeting with Prongs and Lils. They want to use the Fidelius charm to go into hiding, and we were discussing me being their Secret Keeper,” Sirius said, because he was just sick of it. Sick of pretence, sick of secrets, sick of feeling like half of him was missing.

“Dumbledore asked us not to tell anyone, no exceptions. Maybe I’m blinded by love and this will be my downfall, but Merlin, I’d rather face my downfall with you by my side than get through this war alone.”

“Moody wants a spy within Greyback’s werewolf community,” Remus replied. “We were trying to make connections, and infiltrate. Moody also told me to not tell anybody. Normally I wouldn’t even consider that to include you, but you were shutting me out. I guess I wanted to... get back at you? I was being petty and vindictive.”

“You were right to be.”

Sirius felt Remus shake his head.

“No. I should never have left without a word. It was cruel and selfish and I regretted it the moment I did it. Please know that I thought of you every day. Please know that I... Merlin, I’m sorry, Padfoot! I’m just so sorry. What I’ve put you through... I’m sorry.”

“No, Moony, it was my own stupidity,” Sirius replied. “Thinking I could just start keeping secrets from you and everything would be fine... I’m an idiot. I didn’t even try to talk to you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for creating this mess. I’m sorry for ruining everything we built together.”

“Don’t say that.” Remus’s voice suddenly sounded firm. “I’m here, aren’t I? And we’re talking.”

Sirius felt a glimmer of hope that they were actually working towards something good here, that this could be a new beginning instead of an inevitable end, that this fight was long-overdue, but maybe not too late.

After a silence, Remus whispered against his hair. “You’re going to be in a lot of danger.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand. “So are you.”

“Fucking war,” Remus mumbled.

Sirius pushed himself up and turned to face Remus. They were now both sitting on their knees on the kitchen floor, looking at each other, their hands clasped together between them.

“This war is going to take so much from us,” Sirius said. “I don’t want it to take this as well, to take what we have.”

“Me neither,” Remus said. “But we’re still here, we’re still together, still fighting for us. And I’m not going to give up that fight.”

Sirius looked at Remus with a resolute expression on his face. “If we want to give us a fighting chance, we need to be honest with each other, believe each other, and trust each other.”

Remus looked back at him with the same kind of intent. “I promise I will. No matter what.”

Sirius held Remus’s hand a little tighter. “No matter what.”

From that moment on, it seemed like they managed to restore their relationship. They could rely on each other again for support and advice. Remus could vent to Sirius about the anger, frustration and powerlessness he had felt when seeing Greyback again. Sirius could check with Remus some of the plans he and James came up with regarding the going into hiding, such as the idea that has been playing in his head of making Peter the Secret Keeper in an unpredictable move, while he himself will serve as a distraction. He was slightly taken aback when Remus pressed him not to, but as Remus explained, he understood his reasoning. Remus had been worried about Peter lately. Peter seemed to have lost all hope that they could win this war, and he was terrified of what the opposing forces might do to them once they’d fall into their hands. Remus thought his fear might make Peter an easy target for You Know Who and his Death Eaters, and you never know what kind of bad decisions a desperate person can make. Sirius listened to Remus and decided to put that idea out of his head. He felt bad he hadn’t noticed Peter was in such a bad state, and this was just one of many reasons why he needed Remus in his life.

But it wasn’t just talking about plans and tactics. There were also moments of intimacy, calmness, happiness. Mornings of being tangled up in each other and not leaving the bed, afternoons of Sirius lying with his head on Remus’s lap while Remus reads to him, evenings of sitting on the carpet and eating greasy take-out, nights of dancing in the living room. Moments on which they could pretend there was no war.

But back to Sirius freaking out. You see, Remus is doing it again. He’s going to places and Sirius doesn’t know where, he’s talking to people and Sirius doesn’t know who. Once again, there’s something he’s keeping from Sirius. Sirius hasn’t confronted Remus, as he had promised to trust him. But had Remus not promised to be honest with him? Well, he’s obviously not. Sirius tries to not overthink it. Remus probably has a good reason, and he just has to wait until Remus is ready to tell him. He does trust Remus, he really does, but what if Remus doesn’t trust him anymore? Or what if he has tried, but just can’t forgive Sirius for his stupidity after all, and now he’s pulling away?

This morning, when Sirius woke up, Remus was gone. He hadn’t told Sirius where he was going, or even that he was going somewhere. The only thing there was, was another one of those damned notes, only three words this time:

Running some errands

Sirius tries to put his mind to rest as he apparates in Godric’s Hollow and makes his way over to James and Lily’s. James has asked him to come by to help him go over some documents the Order confiscated. Sirius told Remus about this, but he wonders if his boyfriend even remembers. Maybe the task can be a good distraction, but Sirius highly doubts he’ll be able to focus on any documentation right now.

He’s recognized by the protective spells surrounding the house, speaks the required passwords and steps into the hall. Unsuspecting, he walks into the living room.

“Surprise!”

The outcry is followed by a huge cloud of confetti flying in Sirius’s face. Startled, Sirius jumps backwards, and, once the cloud has subsided, looks around the room in shock. The room is excessively decorated with a large variety of garlands and balloons. In front of him are the grinning faces of his fellow Order members and friends Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Peter, James and Lily, and, of bloody course, Remus.

Sirius blinks. “What... What is this?”

“Oh, Merlin.” James steps forward and wraps him into a hug. “Moony wasn’t exaggerating when he said you had completely forgotten about your birthday.”

“My birthday?” Sirius asks dumbfounded. Is it November already? Yes, come to think of it, it is.

“And not just any birthday!” Lily exclaims. “Your twenty-first birthday! Who knows, maybe someday you’ll become an actual adult after all.”

“Let's not hope too hard, Lily,” Marlene grins.

Sirius looks around the circle of friends, still feeling rather overwhelmed. “Can I maybe talk to Moony for a second?”

“I’m sorry,” Remus says, as soon as their other friends are in the kitchen. “This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, Padfoot, I just wanted to do something nice for your birthday and you always love parties so much... I could tell you noticed something was up and I could tell you were freaking out. I really am very sorry, I should’ve-”

Sirius wraps his arms tightly around Remus. “You wonderful, kind, amazing man. I love you so much, but don’t ever do that to me again!”

Remus hugs him back. “But you do like it?”

Sirius pulls back just enough so he can look at him. “I do, but please, no more secrets. And we need to work on your note-writing skills. Really, Moons, first a four-word note and now a three-word one?”

The evening really couldn’t be better. James and Lily have prepared an elaborate dinnerl and they sit around the kitchen table, just eating, drinking, talking and laughing. By the end, they serve a large, home-made cake, complete with candles. Sirius has to make a wish while blowing out the candles, because apparently there’s no age-limit to that tradition. Sirius looks around the table, to Marlene, who’s leaning with her head on Dorcas’s shoulder, contently sipping her Butterbeer, to Fabian and Gideon, who are sporting identical goofy grins, to Peter, who’s bouncing in his chair from excitement (and a few sips of brandy too much), to James, who’s looking back at him with such incredible fondness, while his arms are wrapped around Lily’s waist, and to Remus, who’s sitting next to him, holding his hand underneath the table and leaning his head on his other hand, tilted towards him with his lips curled into a soft smile. Sirius blows out the candles.

Please, please let us make it through this.

“You really put way too much effort into this,” Sirius says, as Lily is dividing the cake.

“Well,” Lily replies. “You can make us all coffee then.”

It’s a well-established fact in their friend group that Sirius makes the best coffee, and therefore it’s usually his task, birthday or not.

Sirius grins. “Normally I shouldn’t be put to work on my birthday,” he says, while getting up from his chair. “But the idea of having to drink coffee made by any of you...”

Lily jokingly rolls her eyes at him. Sirius walks towards the kitchen counter, grabbing the container in which James and Lily keep their coffee. He opens it, and it’s like his heart stops and the whole world fades away for a moment. There’s no coffee in the container. Which is not the reason for his reaction. Sure, he likes coffee, but really not so much to have an almost-heart attack at the sight of a coffee container containing no coffee. No, in the container sits a small, black box.

Sirius picks it up and turns around. His friends have huddled behind the kitchen table, staring at him with huge, hopeful smiles, and James suddenly holding a bottle of champagne, but Sirius hardly registers any of that. The only thing he focusses on is Remus, sitting on one knee right in front of him. Sirius is crying before he has even processed what’s about to happen.

“I know you didn’t want any more secrets, but I promise you, this is the last one.” There’s a tremor in Remus’s voice, probably from keeping his emotions under control. “I don’t even know how to put in words what you mean to me. With you... I don’t just want to be a better person, I’ve actually become a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t had you. I am braver, because I can be scared around you, I am more confident, because I can be insecure around you, I am happier, because I can be sad around you. You embrace every part of me and make me feel like I’m enough. You’re it for me, Sirius. I know you aren’t thrilled about my note-writing skills, from a four-word note to a three-word note, but I’m afraid there’s one more. Open it.”

With shaking hands, Sirius opens the black box. Inside, he sees a beautiful, elegant silver ring, and a small piece of parchment tucked in the lid. Sirius takes it out and unfolds it, seeing it is, indeed, a two-word note:

Marry me?

“Yes,” Sirius manages to say through his tears. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” He flings himself forward to tackle Remus to the ground in a hug. He vaguely registers the sound of cheers and a champagne bottle popping open. He stares at Remus. “I’m yours, Remus Lupin,” he whispers, before kissing him.

Later that night, when they’re home and in bed, Sirius lying on his back with Remus nestled against him, head resting on his chest, Sirius has his hand stretched out in front of him, and both of them are staring at the ring around his finger, gleaming in the dim moonlight.

“When Prongs and I were discussing the idea of me proposing,” Remus says. “I said that a war was no time to be thinking about a wedding. Prongs replied that a war was no time to wait with the things you truly want, as tomorrow the whole world may crumble.”

“If tomorrow the world crumbles,” Sirius replies. “Having this, this evening, this moment, just this, makes it all worth it.”

[bigskydreaming]

Thinking about the Church of Blood story in general now, like, the big culmination one, and it had some really great Donna and Joey moments, as well as some great scenes between Kory and Jason actually.

I’ve talked a little about my disconnect with the Kory - Jason - Roy trio in general in the past, in terms of their New 52 dynamic vs their history pre-boot.....but this story in particular makes it stand out for me, because like, both Roy and Kory thought Jason was precious as fuck, but he was very very much their friend/boyfriend’s kid brother. Not in a dismissive or condescending way, but just like.....hmm, hard to describe exactly. But it also went both ways, and personally, I’ll never be able to look at the three of them and NOT see Jason as always viewing them through the lens of how he first knew them.

Because one thing that I really really think has so much potential to be explored after Jason’s return and when he starts to get closer with the family again, is......so like, if you’re going off of pre-boot continuity, whether you ship DickKory or DickBabs or DickRoy or whomever....I think if you play off of the idea of DickKory’s canon relationship at all, to any degree, like......Jason is Gonna Have Opinions and Feelings about them not being together by the time he returns to Gotham. I think it absolutely is gonna be a big deal to him, whether he voices that or not, and hell, whether HE even consciously processes why that is or not.

And that’s because canon DickKory IMO was quite literally Jason’s first look at a happy, healthy and mutually respectful adult romance.

Jason’s never cited any real memories of his parents being happy together, frankly. And for the three or at most four years he lived with Bruce, its not like Bruce was in any committed long-term relationships other than his flirtations with Selina. And while Jason was never quite as removed from Bruce’s Justice League circle of friends as a lot of fanon takes for granted, its not like Bruce was hosting weekly gatherings and thus giving Jason a lot of up close encounters with Clark and Lois as a couple, or Ollie and Dinah or Barry and Iris.

So for pretty much Jason’s entire existence as Robin, the relationship he had with Dick and by extension Kory as his brother’s girlfriend....literally WAS his first and most formative view of what two adults in love COULD look like.

And throughout that time, Dick and Kory were SOLID. Like, they were together for a very long time, and the issues in their relationship pretty much existed at the start of their relationship when they were first getting together and working through their very different at times outlooks on life....but with this predating Jason’s debut.....and then like.....conflicts in their relationship pretty much only then started appearing at the tail end of Dick’s brainwashing, with Kory’s wedding on Tamaran - which Jason wasn’t witness to, and didn’t last long at all as Kory returned in time to help rescue Dick and with Jason having a front row seat to her concerns for him and desire to reconcile and put all of that behind them. And then again AFTER that....Kory and Dick were once again quite solid for awhile, up until and after Jason’s death, with her pretty much being Dick’s rock through all of that....and their ultimate break-up basically only happening around the time of Knightfall, when Tim was already firmly established as Robin.

So for basically the entire time Jason knew Dick before he died.....he knew Kory too, and the fact that his brother and Kory were very much in love and very happy and very GOOD together. And then years later, Jason returns, and finds that at some point in his absence.....the literal golden couple, the two people whose relationship was literally his introduction to the concept of a healthy adult relationship, hell, probably the only reason he viewed such a thing as even POSSIBLE.....had broken up, and not only did nobody ever talk about this or bring this up....if Jason HAD looked for details....the reality is very few people probably even had a clue WHY....beyond just being able to tell him vague facts like “oh they were engaged, but something happened on their wedding day, and then they called it off, and then Dick left the Titans around the same time and they never got back together.”

I mean, if I’m Jason, and I come back and that’s all anyone can tell me about why my brother and his girlfriend, the two people who I thought were more in love than anyone else I’d ever in my life known two people to be.....

I’m gonna be like....dude, what the FUCK HAPPENED??!?!

But at the same time, probably not wanting to actually ASK Dick that, because sensing that anything to result in this probably isn’t something he remotely wants to talk about, or be reminded of just how good they used to be, back when Jason knew them.....and also there’s always the possibility that on some level Jason doesn’t fully WANT to know what happened, as he doesn’t want to ruin the mental image/memories he has of this formative-on-his-view-of-romance couple’s happier times by knowing just what exactly did happen to destroy that.

But that doesn’t mean he’s not gonna definitely have some thoughts about all that and a whole lot of confusion and likely some mixed feelings....

And it DOES also mean that if and when he DID find out about various factors that contributed to the end of their relationship, like the role Mirage played in that as well as the one-sided nature of how the Titans as a whole reacted to Dick in that storyline.....IMO, its not going to be as generic or removed a situation for Jason as most Jason-finds-out-about-Tarantula-and-sometimes-Mirage takes often assume it to be. For Jason, its likely to be a bit more personal than that, especially compared to the way Tim, Damian, Steph or others who came along later would view that revelation.

And this too, plays into why I’m big on “no, actually Dick and Jason did have a sibling relationship k and thx, this is kinda key and crucial to some very poignant story beats”....

Because Jason was THERE, back in the day. He SAW Dick and Kory together. I need to grab some panels of Jason and Kory from the Brother Blood story because they had some cute moments and like.....I mean, we might not have seen much there but what we did see, he was Team DickKory. The end of their relationship would not be some abstract piece of history the way it would be for most of the Batfam....because given that Jason literally interacted more with Dick during the time he existed as Robin than even Bruce did during that same period.....Jason is the one and ONLY member of the Batfam who could ever possibly have an actual clear image and view of just what Dick LOST due to the end of his and Kory’s relationship.

Because he’s the only one who ever really got a chance to see what Dick HAD there....back when he had it, and it was good.

[agendratum]

hey @tootiredtoosadtooangry i tried to answer your 6 weeks old ask, but as i saved it as a draft to check the formatting and all that, it just fucking disappeared, cause tumblr is a website. it may magically come back later, but idk if it will happen. good thing is that i saved the text of that ask separately, cause i’m a genius and i wasn’t gonna lose this essay *wink wink* to this fucking website

ok, so it's been 6 weeks

it's basically 5-7 business days, right?

so 6 weeks ago i made a gif, and under that gif i said that i might write an essay about some things (wei wuxian), but then some other things happened (word of honor) and i kinda got distracted. but now i have my glass of whatever this alcohol that i'm drinking is, and i think i'm ready to talk a bit about our depressed necromancer who in that gif just came back to life. mostly about:

1. the specific flashback he's having in that moment, the one about seeing lan wangji for the first time

2. the general concept of being back to life 16 years later and getting using to that new world around him

so, first of all, what i find really interesting, is that upon seeing sizhui's clothing pattern, wei wuxian remembers, of course, lan wangji. but the thing is, being just back to life, his last memory from being alive is him falling down the cliff with lan wangji's face fading while the distance grows. that is not what he remembers. his memory goes back to the very first moment they met, the moment before literally anything happened, including all the things that went wrong.

because think about it. even tho i'm going here by the live-action canon, if we go back just a little bit to the novel canon, wei wuxian doesn't actually remember lan wangji fighting by his side in that final battle. when he comes back to life, he believes that he's remembered as the terrible yiling laozu by everybody. and that includes lan wangji. by the end of wei wuxian life he became everything that lan wangji warned him about, and everything he said he wouldn't become. so he believes that if lan wangji would find out that he's back to life, it wouldn't make him happy (oh how wrong he is)

when wei wuxian sees lan sect juniors for the first time, there seems to be a bit of hope - "is *he* also here?" but later we find out, that he doesn't actually want lwj to be here, cause he thinks that their meeting will not look like a friendly reunion (it will look like a very romantic reunion, but that happens later). and i think that when he has that small flashback to their very first meetings, the sadness that overcomes him is caused by the realization of that enormous gap between them when they just met and them after all the terrible things that happened. wei wuxian wants to see his old friend, a person who once at least tried to believe in him, who is also still alive, which can't be said about a lot of people he knew, but there is this huge barrier that he believes cannot be crossed. and he crossed that point of no return himself in his previous life, and he is now undeserving of lan wangji's trust and friendship.

and that's of course isn't true. but there is a difference between what we know, what lan wangji thinks and what wei wuxian believes and remembers.

there is no smooth transition i can think of to get to the second point, so here we are. 16 years. 16 years is a lot. it's a whole fucking life. a human can be almost fully formed in that time period (which is perfectly represented by both fully grown up sizhui and jin ling, who, when wwx died, was a one month old baby) in 16 years a lot can happen to a person. a person can grow to change their whole world view, their believe system, some of their principles, become comfortable with their identity and finally figure out what they want from life. a person can grow from a child to an adult, who's carefully and patiently initiating a plan they've been cultivating for years, while playing a role and hiding their true face from everybody. a person can take their enormous grief, their rage, their pain and direct it all towards achieving their goals, actually fulfilling the impossible, while managing to raise a child and not completely ruin them from the inside, but actually letting the child know that he's loved and safe.

and then wei wuxian who died 16 years ago before any of that happened, comes back to this world full of people he used to once know. but he doesn't anymore. and we can see it in everything, from little details to big very important conversations. the most obvious is him trying to play and flirt with lan wangji the ways he used to when they were teens, and being so confused by lwj's reaction. because lwj grew past that so long ago, while wwx just didn't have a chance to get this out of his system. that part is him getting to know lwj again, from the beginning, because he meets a new man. but at least with lwj, wwx is willing to get to know him and lwj is willing to let him do that.

then there is jiang cheng. there was always a certain level of misunderstanding between yunmeng bros, but at the same time, wei wuxian used to know jiang cheng pretty well. when jiang cheng was upset or something was going wrong home, with his parents, wwx mostly knew what to do or what to say or how to distract him and make light of the situation. he used to be able to look jiang cheng in the eyes and lie, and jiang cheng would believe that. and when wei wuxian comes back, he thinks it's the same jiang cheng. but the thing is, it's not. jiang cheng grew in not the most healthy ways, but he still grew up. there are so many moments, where instead of making the light of the situation, wei wuxian's actions escalate it. it's both jc just being a new person and wwx not knowing anymore how to act around him. the most important scenes showcasing that are lotus pier fight and the conversation in the temple.

there is also nhs, who's fooling everybody around him easily because he always did. even if it was just about school work. but isn't it fucking sad, that he's fooling even he's best friend. wwx isn't really surprised in the end, of course, when we find out that nhs has been behind all these deeds, but still he doesn't really suspect him. like at all, if i recall correctly? and they used to be on the same page of fooling everybody to think that these two boys are just some lazy fools. they're clearly not on the same page anymore.

wwx comes back to the world full of people who look like people he used to know or remind him of people he used to know, but they aren't them. meanwhile he didn't have the time to grow or change or just have some peace. wherever he's been while being dead, he was just out of it. his path of growing and figuring himself out stars with him coming back. but he's years behind. and with someone like lan wangji, we know that he's willing wait and he gives him space and he gives him love and home and warmth. but then, for example, jiang cheng's frustration is visible in the air, because he had years to overthink everything went wrong again and again, and wei wuxian comes back and it seems like he just want to ignore and leave "the past in the past" and it's infuriating for someone who couldn't let go of it all for 16 years. but it's understandable for someone who just came back and now the weight of everything they did multiplied by 16 years is suddenly being thrown at them.

and he has to get to know all these people from the beggining, if they will be willing to get to know each other at all. and the growth, that getting to know himself, it's a journey he has to take on his own. that's why i'm such a big fan of that trip he takes in the end by the way. but still it's a trip he takes alone, and there are still huge chunks of life he missed. and he will never get them back. he missed all those years when sizhui and jin ling were growing up. and it will always be there. they will be sharing their childhood stories with him, and the lack of wwx in their lives will be so obvious. he will continue to learn new things about lwj, about his old friends, about the world, because it's been so long, and it will be noticeable that he was not there.

i would say that all the characters of their generation (that survived) are lonely in their own way. but for wei wuxian it's the loneliness of being dead and just completely not present on the lives of his loved ones.

i don't know where i'm going with it now, so i think i will just stop here and maybe come back to you 6 weeks later with another terribly messy emotional take influenced by me drinking alcohol.