#10daysofhealing

[mlim8]

Moony Eyes

Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest (Day 3+4: 09.21/22.20 - Self-Discovery + Recovery)

Someone help him lmao This is not the self-discovery he thought was gonna happen.

Day 3 and 4 for @swottypotter​ ‘s Minifest! I have ONE more idea lol that will be for Day 10, so please stay tuned! uwu

[whipbogard]

For the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest organised by @swottypotter  ♥

Day One (19/9) - An Anniversary

What better way than to draw the husbands?  ♥ ♥ ♥

[engie-ivy]

I wrote this fic for the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest, organized by @swottypotter, because I thought it was such a lovely idea😊

(also on AO3 as part of a series of one-shot crush confessions)

19/09: an anniversary

Summary:

Getting older can be a fearful experience, but when you're a werewolf, it's just a tad worse. There's only so many excruciating transformations one's body can undergo before it can take no more. For Remus, the idea of celebrating the day of being another year closer to that inevitable moment is inconceivable. However, his friends teach him that instead of simply having lived another year, his life contains many other anniversaries he could be celebrating: having been part of a close group of friends for another year, having had company during the full moon for another year, and... having a certain friend be in love with him for another year?

Moments in time

Remus Lupin does not celebrate his birthday. Doesn’t like it. Really doesn’t like it. Hates it, in fact. It’s not a case of modesty, like ‘he just doesn’t want to be the center of attention’, or even a case of bad experiences, like ‘if we can just show him how fun it can be’. No, he has made it clear to the other three Marauders that it’s no use even trying. If they throw him a birthday party, he won’t attend. If they buy him birthday gifts, he won’t accept.

It’s not that he hates birthdays as a principle. No, he’d loved it when they snuck into the kitchens and stuffed themselves with sweets for Peter’s birthday, he’d loved it when they stayed up all night and drank Butterbeer and even a bottle of Firewhiskey that they managed to smuggle in for James’s birthday, and he loved it when they had a sleep-over in the Shrieking Shack for Sirius’s birthday. It’s really his own birthday that he doesn’t like.

You see, Remus Lupin is a werewolf, and while he’s now more comfortable with that fact than he’s ever been, with being able to attend school, having people in his life that love and accept him even with knowing the truth, and having friends who became Animagii so he doesn’t have to be alone during the full moon anymore, there are just some things that come with his condition that cannot be changed. The illness on the days preceding and following the full moon, the excruciating pain that the transformations bring, and, probably worst of all, the fact that werewolves age prematurely.

Werewolves do not have a high life expectancy. There’s only so much strain one’s body can endure before it can’t take no more. Remus often reads in textbooks that werewolves don’t get old, but that’s wrong phrasing: werewolves do get old, they just get old really fast. While his friends will still be vital and brimming with energy, Remus’s bones will become fragile and his muscles stiff with constant aching due to the tearing apart and snapping back together necessary for the monthly transformations, his recovery after each full moon will become slower until he’ll never fully recover anymore, he’ll start having trouble walking and eventually moving altogether, his hair will become grey and his skin will become worn and littered with scars, making him look old beyond his years.

It’s bad enough that each year there’s a day to remind him that he’s another year closer to that inescapable faith, so why in Merlin’s name would he want to actually celebrate that day?

Remus never fully explained, so he’s not sure to what extent the other Marauders really understand what getting older means to him, but they can tell that it holds a lot of pain for Remus, and that it’s not something they can fix for him, so they respect his wishes. On the day itself they try their hardest not to give a single indication they’re aware it’s Remus’s birthday. The only way Remus can tell that they do know, is by how they go out of their way to make sure no one else dares to mention his birthday in his vicinity. This may seem weird or even mean to outsiders, but to Remus, it’s the best possible thing they could do.

That’s part of the reason why Remus is utterly confused when he enters their dorm on September 4th and finds Sirius, James and Peter sitting on pillows on the floor surrounded by drinks and candy, and a pile of gifts in their midst.

“Surprise!” They yell in unison the moment Remus opens the door.

Another reason for Remus’s confusion is that it’s nowhere near his birthday.

“What’s this?” He asks carefully.

Sirius presses a card in his hand. The front of the card shows a doodle of four boys sitting at the Gryffindor table. A small boy with peaky hair, a boy whose hair is pointing in all directions, a dark-haired boy with a goofy grin, and a curly-haired boy with large eyes, all wearing red-and-gold colours.

The doodle is clearly drawn by Sirius. Sirius is actually a very talented artist and his drawings are great, though he only ever shows his doodles to his friends. Remus loves the cute and funny doodles, but he wishes Sirius would also show them his more serious drawings sometimes. Remus has only ever caught a glimpse of his work on moments Sirius didn’t notice Remus’s presence in time while drawing, but what he saw was amazing.

Remus opens the card and reads the message on inside.

Hi Moony!

Happy 6-year anniversary of the day we officially became friends with you!

We love you!

Wormtail, Padfoot & Prongs

Remus looks up from the card to see Sirius staring at him with the same goofy grin as the doodled boy on the card, but there’s also an unfamiliar expression in his eyes, and he’s toying with a strand of his hair.

Remus realises that he’s nervous. Afraid that Remus will see it as a trick to give him a kind-of-birthday party anyway, and become upset. And of course it is an attempt to make up for lost birthday celebrations, Remus knows that, but it’s a good attempt. It’s not just celebrating a certain amount of years from his life have gone by, it’s celebrating the years they’ve been friends. Making actual friends who love him and who he loves, and keeping them for all that time, that’s something Remus did with his life, something he accomplished, something no one can ever take away from him. It somehow makes the eventual length of his life matter less. It’s celebrating the quality, not the quantity.

A smile spreads across Remus’s face, and he can immediately see the relief on his friends’ faces. “I love it,” he says.

And honestly, how could he not love something that results in Sirius throwing his arms around his neck and pressing a kiss to his cheek?

Remus tries to ignore the fluttering of his heart. They’re celebrating five years of friendship, for Godric’s sake. Being friends with someone as loving, bright and cheerful as Sirius is already more than he could have ever asked for. Wanting more, even dreaming of more, would be pushing his luck. See? His brain knows all this, but apparently his heart hasn’t gotten the message.

James gets him out of his frenzy by taking a gift from the pile. “Alright! Lets see who the first gift is for!”

“You got gifts for everyone?” Remus asks curiously.

“Why, of course, Moony!” James exclaims. “Managing to keep one of the greatest persons ever as our friend is really a gift-worthy accomplishment for us! Really something we should be celebrating and congratulating each other on.”

Sirius nudges Remus playfully. “You can see your presents as a reward for having put up with us for so long.”

Remus chuckles. He definitely doesn’t need a reward for one of the greatest things that has ever happened to him, but he’s not gonna say no to the tea, mug and book that lie before him with his name written on them either.

The next surprise comes halfway through October, during their second trip to Hogsmeade of that year. Remus is sitting at the Three Broomsticks with Peter, waiting for James and Sirius to come back with their Butterbeers.

However, suddenly Sirius places a large mug filled with decadent chocolate milk in front of Remus, complete with whipped cream and a chocolate biscuit on top and sprinkled with chocolate chips. At the same time James presses another card in his hands. Remus immediately laughs at the doodle of him in front of Honeydukes, holding a large stack of chocolate in his arms. Wondering what his friends came up with this time, he opens the card.

Moons,

Happy 4-year anniversary of your very first trip to Hogsmeade with us! (Ah, the day Moony discovered Honeydukes...)

Many trips (legal and less-legal) have followed and will follow since!

Lots of love,

Wormy, Pads, and Prongsie

Remus actually wasn’t able to join them on the first weekend they had been allowed to go, as it had been a full moon the night before. Only the next weekend a Hogsmeade trip was planned, they were able to go with the four of them, today apparently four years ago.

The following hour Remus spends reminiscing all his trips to Hogsmeade with his friends. The one when James and Sirius had hidden in the Shrieking Shack and fired hexes at passers-by to convince everyone the Shack is cursed, the one when James tried to secretly follow Lily around to find out what to buy for her birthday and she ended up throwing Butterbeer in his face, the one when Remus was acting cranky because his favourite chocolate was sold out, only to find out Sirius had secretly bought the last bars for him as a surprise, or the one when James actually managed to get a date with Lily, and Peter had asked Mary McDonald, so Remus and Sirius went together (and Remus had to actively tell himself that it was not a date for the entire day, though he doesn’t discuss that last bit with his friends).

Before they leave, the other three Marauders want Remus to pick out all the chocolate he loves most from Honeydukes as his anniversary gift, but Remus refuses, not wanting to be selfish by letting his friends buy him his treats. Back in their dorm, however, it isn’t long before a bag filled with Honeydukes’ finest just mysteriously appears on Remus’s bed.

It isn’t until January, right at the start of the new year, Remus is surprised one again. He steps into the kitchens, where the others had told him to come to prepare for a prank, and finds his friends sitting at a table around a huge chocolate cake.

“Moony!” Peter calls out, while James and Sirius shoot confetti from their wands.

“What’s this?” Remus asks, grinning while he’s shaking the confetti out of his hair. This time he’s more excited than nervous.

Peter hands him the card. Remus chuckles as he sees the little deer with a rat hanging from his antlers, closely followed by a wolf and a dog walking side-by-side, doodled on the front. He opens the card, fully prepared for another odd anniversary his friends managed to come up with, but not prepared in the least for the wave of emotion that washes over him.

Dear Moony,

Happy 2-year anniversary of the day from which you’ll never again have to spend another full moon on your own!

Love, your animalistic friends,

Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

Remus reads the card a couple more times, until his eyes start tearing up and his vision becomes blurry.

The short message is not only a reminder of what his friends have done for him, how they’ve gone and made an aspect of Remus’s life immeasurably better, an aspect Remus had always believed to never get any better.

And then the words ‘never again’, meaning that his friends will continue to help him once they’ve left school, meaning that it doesn’t end when school does, meaning that his friends will always be there for him.

Remus doesn’t even realise he’s crying until two arms wrap around him and Sirius pulls him into a tight hug. His head resting on Sirius’s chest and Sirius soothing him: exactly how he’s been waking up after the full moon for the last two years, and how he’ll be waking up after the full moon for the years to come.

At the end of March, it’s promising to become the first soft spring day after the winter, though the nights still have a chill in the air.

The Marauders are sitting on a blanket in the grass, wrapped in sweaters watching the sun slowly rise over the lake. They’d snuck out in the middle of the night through one of their secret passageways, and spent the rest of the night drinking, talking, star gazing, and now watching the sunrise.

“Cheers!” They cluck their mugs filled with hot mead together in the golden light of the rising sun. “To beautiful spring days and good times!”

“And to Moony,” Sirius adds. “On this special day.”

Remus laughs. “I should have known!” Though he feels this night has already been special enough.

Though he immediately starts reading the card, with a pretty doodle of the castle on the front.

To Messr. Moony,

Happy 2-year anniversary of the day you discovered the last secret passageway and finished the Marauders’ Map!

We solemnly swear to always remain up to no good!

There’s always more mischief to manage,

Yours sincerely,

The Messrs. Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs

Remus fondly shakes his head. The season is changing, life at Hogwarts is slowly coming to an end, but the Marauders’ days of mischief making are not ending just yet.

On the 17th of May, Remus is sitting at a table in the common room, surrounded by books, parchment, quills and ink. He’s waiting on Lily. He has a Potions essay due, and horrible in potions as Remus is, he really needs a good grade. Luckily, Lily has agreed to help him, as she’s the absolute best in Potions. Lily is not great because professor Slughorn adores her, professor Slughorn adores her because she’s great.

Remus sees Lily step through the portrait hall carrying a large pile of books, and immediately jumps to his feet to help her carry the load.

However, when they return to Remus’s spot, a beautifully wrapped gift is placed on top of his parchment.

“They came up with another date?” Remus mumbles, slightly embarrassed, but Lily just looks excited. Word has gotten around that the Marauders have been throwing Remus all kinds of parties for all kinds of reasons and everyone just loves it.

“Open it, open it!” Lily claps her hands and Remus tears the wrapping paper off.

Lily sucks in her breath. “Oh!”

Remus himself is unable to form any words as he’s holding up a frame. All he can do is stare wide-eyed at the framed drawing in his hands.

It’s definitely Sirius’s work. Not a doodle this time, but a completely finished, serious artwork. Remus recognizes himself in the drawing, curled up in an armchair, one hand holding a book, and the other holding a mug with steam circling upwards. The scene is seemingly illuminated by soft sunlight falling through a window on Remus’s left, giving his eyes and hair a slightly golden glow. The drawing is somehow comforting, in his ability to capture such a calm, serene moment. Though Remus thinks the boy in the drawing must look much more beautiful than he ever has, he has no problem recognizing himself, as the composure, radiance and expression are so typically his, that it makes him feel strangely vulnerable that someone has looked at him and seen him, really seen him.

“It’s beautiful,” Lily whispers.

The only thing written on the drawing is a date scribbled in the bottom right corner: 17/05/1977. Exactly one year earlier. Remus’s heart is thumping as he picks up and reads the small note that came with the gift.

Dearest Moony,

Happy 1-year anniversary of the day I fell in love with you.

Yours, now and always,

Padfoot

Remus can hardly breath. The more he reads the words, the more his brain stops functioning. He looks at Lily, who has been reading over his shoulder, with a pleading look.

“Lily, what do I do?” He asks desperately.

“Well,” Lily says uncertain. “I’m sure if you tell him you care for him, but see him as just a friend, he’ll-”

“Why in Merlin’s name would I want to say that?” Remus stares at her like she has grown two heads. “Why would I want to turn him down?”

“You looked so panicked!” Lily defends herself. “Why in Merlin’s name are you even asking my advice if you feel the same way? Just go find that boy and bloody snog the living daylights out of him! Merlin, Remus, it’s not Advanced Potions!”

Finding Sirius and snogging him sounds scary, risky, dangerous, and absolutely wonderful, so Remus decides to embrace his Gryffindor courage and go for it.

He barely nods at Lily before dashing away. He bumps into Peter while rushing through the common room.

“Oi, Moony! I just wanted to ask you, are you-”

“Sorry, Wormtail, gotta run! I have to go and snog Padfoot!”

He hears Peter’s voice echo through the room as he climbs through the portrait hole. “Yeeeeesssss!”

In the corridor, he passes James.

“Moony…”

“Sorry, Prongs, no time!”

“He’s up in the Owlery!” James calls after him. “I thought you might like to know you’re going the wrong way.”

Remus immediately turns around and runs in the other direction. He hears James mumble when he passes him again.

“About bloody time.”

Remus’s courage wavers a bit as he steps into the Owlery. Sirius is standing with his hands resting on the ledge, and he’s looking out over the Hogwarts grounds. His pale skin, his grey eyes reflecting the sky, his long hair with strands blowing in his face. Surely there has to be some sort of misunderstanding. Surely a boy this beautiful can’t possibly have feelings for someone like Remus.

But then Sirius turns around to look at him, and Remus can clearly see the love and affection, mingled with fear and uncertainty, in his eyes.

“The twenty-third of September,” Remus blurts out.

Sirius looks at him questioningly.

“That’s my date,” Remus clarifies.

There’s hope in those eyes now. “As in the date of your one-year anniversary of having feelings… for me?” Sirius asks tentatively.

Remus shakes his head, and Sirius drops his gaze, looking embarrassed. “Two years,” Remus quickly clarifies.

Sirius looks up at him again, his eyes now the way Remus likes them best: sparkling.

“Really, Moony?” There’s unconcealed happiness and relief in his voice. “Two whole years and you never said anything?”

Remus huffs. “It’s not an easy thing to say! You know that, took you a year as well.”

“That’s still twice as fast,” Sirius teases.

Remus sighs in defeat. “You’re right. And there’s no way I can give you something so special and amazing as you’ve given me today.”

“You can forget about your date anyway,” Sirius says.

Remus raises his eyebrows. “How so?”

Sirius reaches out his hand towards Remus. “I was rather hoping we could share this date? As the date we officially became a couple?”

Remus hearts stops for a moment, but then he knows just what to do.

He takes the hand Sirius is offering, and in a moment of bravery pulls him close, so that they’re standing chest to chest.

Remus tugs a strand of hair falling over Sirius’s face behind his ear. “I would love to.”

[dakogutin]

nightmares and cuddles

thank you to @swottypotter​ for hosting this comfort mini-fest! and to my beta @windywings who helped me get into the mind of a ten year-old hehe

9/27 prompt: gratitude

summary: harry thanks moomy and dadfoot for being brave with him

word count: 2.1k

ao3 link

---

A blinding flash of green light. Screaming— a woman’s. Deafening explosion then a piercing ring as everything turns dark once more… Forehead burning…

Harry woke up in cold sweat, panting. He felt adrenaline coursing through his veins as he sat up, hands subconsciously running through his untameable wild hair. The silence made his thoughts yell louder and the darkness felt eerily inappropriate to his turbulent feelings.

This wasn’t new; the nightmares, the insomnia, the constant panic in his restless mind alerting him that Voldemort was by his bedroom door— a forceful pull back to consciousness. Sleep has been a challenge for Harry, he’s set the bar so low that sometimes he forgets it’s not normal to wake up crying in the night at all.

That doesn’t mean it gets easier each time.

Harry hugged his knees tight, cursing himself through harsh sobs for not being brave enough to face his demons alone. Everyone tells him that both his parents were brave, so why wasn’t he?

The worst part is, he doesn’t even understand why the vivid flashes of weird images in his dream cause him to fall apart this quickly. He just feels embarrassed. Stupid. Mad— in both definitions.

It was getting more and more difficult to breathe as he refused to let his cries out; the lump in his throat obstructing his air flow as it simultaneously intercepted with his continuous sobs. Harry sounded like he was choking through air but at the same time felt like he was drowning in it.

He pulled his blanket up to his chin and looked to his window, contemplating on whether or not he should move to open it, when he heard the doorknob slowly click open, the sound shattering the silence of the room… 

Harry jolted and an involuntary yelp escaped his restricted throat. Instantly, warm but strong hands wrapped around his apparently trembling self, gently holding him in place and stroking his back in a soothing manner.

“Breathe, Harry…” The voice said. “Come on, do it with me.” A deep inhale followed and Harry felt his body slowly relax as he focused on mimicking the action.

More minutes passed until Harry finally felt calm enough to snuggle into the soft but firm arms around him. He opened his eyes and saw locks of black hair by the person’s shoulders and felt guilt replace the momentary ease in his stomach.

“Padfoot, did I wake you? I’m so sorry…” He rubbed his eyes from the stale tears there.

To his surprise, Sirius huffed a laugh. “Nah, Moony woke me up.” Harry felt the hand resting on his back still its movements. “But I’m kinda glad he did.”

“Why?”

Sirius was quiet for a while, like he was mulling over his answer. “So you didn’t have to go through this alone.” he said simply.

Harry knew those words meant more than they suggested. After all, Sirius only hinted about his own past, never really giving Harry the full picture. Harry wanted to finally ask about it, but a concern persisted in his mind. He leaned back to face Sirius properly, “Why did Moony wake you up? Is he all right?”

Sirius broke into a soft smile before fiddling with Harry’s disheveled duvet. “You really are your parents’ child, Harry. Just like them you’re uncommonly kind. I went here for you yet you go asking about others as soon as you can.”

For a second Harry felt conflicted about this comment. The looming thought of him not being able to live up to his parents’ braveness suddenly entered his mind once more. “No, of course I am thankful you’re here. It’s just that… well, with the moon just yesterday, I couldn’t help but wonder…” Harry couldn’t finish this sentence as he found himself too distracted with Sirius who was shaking his head.

“Listen, kid, I don’t mean it that way.” He grinned, ruffling Harry’s unkempt hair. Then he sighed, looking more forlorn this time. “We— er, couldn’t sleep too, you see.”

“Is he still awake?” Harry blurted, eyes scanning around Sirius’ features in the dark.

Sirius already scooped Harry in his arms and stood up. “Let’s go wake him up if he isn’t still. Merlin knows it’s time for my revenge.”

“Are you sure it’ll be okay?” Harry asked tentatively, gripping onto Sirius’ shoulder.

He scoffed. “As long as it’s us. You know Moony can’t hate us— even if he tried. We’re irresistible like that, Prongslet.” Sirius winked.

And for the first time that night, Harry cracked a smile.

--

Sirius glanced behind at Harry, a sly grin etched on his face. Harry put a finger to his smiling lips, shushing his godfather. At this, Sirius placed a finger over his own lips, as if scolding himself as well. Harry quietly giggled before Sirius carefully opened the bedroom door where Remus rested.

Together they tiptoed to the rising and falling lump of sheets on one side of the wide bed, only his tawny mess of hair was visible. But as they approached, stealthily avoiding the creakier floorboards, a startling grunt sounded from under the sheets.

Sirius hastily carried Harry to sit on the bed and spoke, “I present you this offering! Please don’t impair upon me your wrath for disturbing your slumber.” They snickered as Sirius also hopped on the mattress, rocking the bed slightly as he laid beside Remus with Harry right in the middle.

Remus simply opened the blanket with his arm for Harry to settle inside, the younger boy quickly complied, feeling himself immediately comforted by the warmth around him. Harry felt his forgotten drowsiness washing over him.

After a period of silence, Harry heard Sirius softly speak. “Hey, what about me?” He couldn’t help but chuckle at this.

“What’d you think, Harry? Should we invite the gaudy nitwit inside our cave?” Though facing away, Harry can hear the grin in Remus’ slurred words.

“Sorry Padfoot, I don’t think you’ve earned your place yet.”

Harry knew it was all in good fun but he was too soft on Sirius after calming him down from his earlier ordeal, he told this to Remus who pulled down the blankets, revealing a giant black dog where Sirius previously sat.

“What do you mean? What happened?” Remus sat up, piercing eyes steady on Harry.

“I’m fine now.” Harry chewed his bottom lip. 

Remus looked unconvinced but acquiesced, sighing. “I’m glad Padfoot could be there for you then.”

At Remus’ reassuring smile, Harry felt this newfound courage to open up more about it. “It’s just the same nightmare again.” He then felt a cold nose press to his arm. Harry scratched the dog’s neck then fully wrapped his arms around Padfoot, burying his face in the soft shampoo-smelling fur.

“Do you want to talk about it, pup?” came Remus’ voice beside him as he felt a gentle hand rest on his back, it reminded him of Sirius’ soothing pats earlier. 

Harry doesn’t know what it was about Remus that makes it so easy to want to talk to him. Maybe it was the underlying desire to want to be comforted; that while Sirius’ presence always inspires him to be brave, Remus’ presence is more on reassurance— telling him that he doesn’t have to be brave all the time. He’s never been more thankful they balance each other so well and that he was blessed with both of them all to himself.

As quick as that gratifying thought occurred, he felt an unsettling churn in his gut.

He turned his head so his face was visible to his other godfather. “Is it selfish that I sometimes forget my parents?” 

Harry sat curious as silence hung in the air. He sat up to face Remus and felt the familiar gentle incentive of being vulnerable. He was aware this was a rather sensitive topic but he wasn’t planning on backing out of it now that they’re willing to engage.

“You have to understand, Harry…” Remus began, “Sirius and I always bring up your parents because we miss them so, so much. It’s cruel that we got to spend so much time with them while you so little.” He patted Harry’s cheek. “It’s perfectly forgivable if you sometimes… forget. Moments you shared with them are ever so scarce, Harry, it’d be quite impossible to keep holding on to them all your life.”

Harry sniffed, indignant not to cry twice this night. Just then, he felt Padfoot gradually shift back into Sirius behind him. 

“You’re not selfish for feeling too happy to think about what you’ve lost. Remember that.” said Sirius.

Remus gave an approving smile to Sirius before sighing wistfully. “We feel guilty about it too, Harry.”

“About my mum and dad?” Harry asked softly. This part about his parents was new. Neither of them deliberately bring up the events after they graduated so needless to say, Harry’s interest was piqued.

They both nodded then Sirius replied, “We talk about them a lot because you’re a living reminder of them, pup. It’s just uncanny.” He smiled, shrugging.

Harry smiled back.

Remus chimed in, “Look, we know we will never fill their shoes in your life—”

“No that’s the thing…” Harry interrupted.

Both his godfathers looked taken aback by the sudden loudness of his voice but waited for him to continue.

“When I think of parents, I just now think of you two.” He stared intently at the ruffled duvet. “I can’t help but feel like these nightmares are punishments for it.” Harry felt Sirius pull him into a crushing hug and heard shuffling before feeling Remus join them.

Remus was first to pull apart and maybe it was the dim lighting but his eyes appeared to be glistening. He then heard Sirius behind him. “You are not to be blamed for anything, Harry. You hear me?” The ten year-old turned to glance at his speaking godfather and nodded.

“I’m sorry about these nightmares Harry.” Remus says. “But you shouldn’t think of them as punishments. They’re nothing more but bad memories. It has absolutely nothing to do with your relationship with Lily and James, alright?” He tilted his head to level with Harry’s gaze under his ducked head.

“And besides,” Sirius spoke. “Who says you’re limited to just one pair of parents?” he grinned.

Harry hung his arms around their necks. “Thank you.” He mumbled, pulling their heads together, feeling their cheeks press against his own. Harry poured all of his profound gratitude through his tight grip before pulling away and beaming at them.

A thumb swiped his cheek and Harry realised he had apparently failed to keep his tears from flowing until then as he looked up to Remus smiling softly at him.

“Well, I’d say you telling us that we’re nearly good enough replacements for your parents is the highest form of compliment in my life so far. And this is coming from me, who got voted Witch Weekly’s most charming smile of the year — and I was still a student!” Sirius beamed.

Remus rolled his eyes as he leaned in for a whisper. “Still lost to Gilderoy Lockhart, though.” He then made his voice louder, positioning to lie back down. “Come on, let’s get some sleep.”

Harry giggled. He was about to make a move to head back to his room but Remus was already making space for him in between them on the wide bed.

Sirius narrowed his eyes at Remus. “Just this once I won’t say anything to that since I’d rather savour every last moment we can sleep with Harry still here.” He then shifted into a lying position with them.

“Damn right.” Remus mumbled.

Harry furrowed his eyebrows at this. “What does that mean?”

“Hogwarts, Prongslet. This is your last year before you finally become an official student there after all.” Sirius replied, yawning. “Couldn’t wait for you to become our little prodigy.”

“Sirius.” Remus said warningly but was simply met with a lazy chuckle.

That’s right, Harry mused. Soon, he would be surrounded by other magical children. He suddenly wondered how different his life would’ve been if he were raised away from the Wizarding World, but then he just couldn’t— and that was all because of Sirius and Remus. Harry felt overwhelmed by this relief.

“Moony?” He called to the darkness.

“Hmm?” came his response.

“Padfoot?” Harry called once more.

“I’m here.”

“Thank you.”

Harry doesn’t know which of them did it, but there was a kiss near his scar and he felt his cheeks strain from him grinning so much that night. Not quite what he expected since being woken up, but undoubtedly the best turn of events since.

[im-captain-egg]

Wolfstar & honesty

a couple of headcanons for the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest by @swottypotter!

Sirius doesn’t lie

like never

he grew up in a household were being dishonest was punished

even now away from home he has trouble with not telling the truth

instead he says things that are technically true but won’t get him in trouble

or things that sway away from the actual question

“it was not not me but it also could have been someone else”

“oh, minnie. do you really think of me that bad? you look fantastic as ever, by the way. green really brings out your eyes. how’s the family?”

you get the point

James usually shits his pants when they ask Sirius the questions instead of him

he somehow manages to pull it off anyway

Remus lies to protect himself

being a werewolf and trans is already too much to handle for himself

he builds a wall around him to keep himself safe

lying about where he goes every full moon (”seeing my mother, she’s very sick”, “detention”, etc.) or why he always locks himself in the bathroom to get changed

over time he learns to be more honest about who he is

the Marauders make him feel more comfortable

after they start dating, they decide to always be honest with each other

both of them come with a lot of baggage so communication is key

the first time Sirius lied to Remus was when he tried to tell him “i love you” in 7th year but James barged in

instead he told him “can i copy your potions homework?”

the first time Remus lied to Sirius was when he tried to tell him “i love you” in 7th year but James barged in

instead he quietly handed Sirius his potions homework

& now another ficlet!

Today is the day, Sirius thinks with a smile. He holds Remus’ hand in his own and rushes up the stairs to the Gryffindor Tower. Remus laughs behind him, a little drunk on butterbeer. They just returned from Hogsmeade and Sirius wants to have their dorm room to himself for a moment before Peter and James join them. 

He stammers out the password, stumbling over his own words in excitement. He has thought about this exact moment for a while, he wants to make it special, wants to make sure that he and Remus are alone.

The door to their dorm room swings open. Remus and Sirius stumble inside, a flying mess of entangled limbs and giggles. Remus lands beneath Sirius on his bed and Sirius’ mind goes blank for a split second.

Remus’ smile is bright, his golden eyes look like whiskey swirling in a crystal glass, freckles like stars scattered across his cheeks.

Sirius dips his head down and places a soft kiss on Remus’ lips, darting his tongue out and tasting him up. Caramel, cinnamon, chocolate.

“Someone’s eager,” Remus giggles, brushing their noses together before kissing Sirius again.

Sirius huffs, brushing a curl out of Remus’ face, taking in the sight below him once more. “I want to tell you something,” he says softly, summoning all the courage he requires.

Remus sits up a little, supporting himself on his forearms and crooks his head. “Good, me too. You start,” Remus says with a smile, bringing one hand up to brush his thumb over Sirius’ cheekbone. 

I love you, Sirius thinks. 

I loved you ever since I saw you step onto Platform 9 ¾ three years ago after I haven’t seen you all summer. You looked so different but so good. You suddenly were taller than me but I didn’t mind. 

I loved you ever since you crawled into bed with me whenever I had nightmares, the way you held me tight all night. And you would let me do the same for you.

I loved you ever since you had chocolate smeared all over your face and let me wipe it off. You started to blush furiously under my touch. Even the tips of your ears were bright red.

I loved you ever since you started to call me Padfoot among our friends but Sirius in private. I like the way you say my name. You make it sound so soft, almost like a prayer.

Sirius snaps back to reality as James storms into the dorm room with a loud laugh. “You guys would never believe what Petey just-” He stops in his tracks, spotting the couple on Remus’ bed. “Oh,” he says and awkwardly rubs the back of his neck. “Sorry!” he yells and steps back out onto the corridor, closing the door behind him.

Remus clears his throat. “Anyway, what was it that you wanted to tell me?”

Sirius swallows and crawls off of Remus, slumping down onto the mattress next to him. “Can I copy your potions homework?” he asks, turning his head to face Remus. 

For a moment, there is silence but then Remus nods slowly. “Sure,” he says, gets up and walks over to his pile of parchment. 

“Didn’t you want to tell me anything?” Sirius asks as he watches Remus.

I love you, he wants to yell. He wants the entire school to hear it but the words just won’t come out.

Remus hands him a parchment roll with a tense smile. “Oh, it’s nothing.”

I love you, Sirius thinks and clutches the parchment to his chest.

—

read it on ao3!

[fvckyouimaprophet]

forever playing catch-up. my submission for @swottypotter‘s 10 days of healing mini-fest, day two: honesty. 

summary: peter mixes up the hangover potion with the veritaserum sirius nabbed from professor slughorn’s office.

“And now!” James says, glancing at table up front, where the professors have finally all looked away from the students, lost in conversation. 

They slide their cups over to Peter, who—despite fumbling—quickly pulls his hand out of his robes in a tightly clenched fist. Remus barely catches the glimmer of light against the glass of the vial before Peter tips it over each of their drinks and pockets it again.

“Wait!” James says, and they drop their gazes back down at their plates, focusing on the food in front of them. “Okay, go, go, go!”

Finally, they each grab their cups and take a sip. A wave a relief washes over Remus, and his shoulders drop as he chuckles. “Remind me not to get talked into drinking with you lot on a Sunday night again,” he says as he downs half his coffee. “This hangover is murderous.”

“Tell me about it,” Sirius says and runs his hands through his hair, moving it out of his face. “I feel like a corpse. I think I finally get why my father kept that mead for special occasions.”

“He’s going to kill you when he finds out you nabbed it from him over the holidays,” Peter says and frowns.

“They’ll probably think one of the house-elves got into it or think it was Reg.” Sirius glances over his shoulder, and Remus follows his gaze to where his brother sits at the Slytherin table, lost in conversation with Avery and Mulciber. Sirius’s eyes darken for a moment before he turns back around sharply enough that it makes him wince and his hand reaches up to his forehead. “Not that he could do any wrong in their eyes.”

“Fuck him,” James says, nudging Sirius lightly, and Sirius nods as if convincing himself.

“Anyway, we should probably finish eating. McGonagall will kill us if we’re late to Transfiguration.” Sirius stabs a fork into his eggs. “Merlin, I swear this potion isn’t working the way it usually does.”

Remus agrees. The dull throbbing in the back of his head is still there, and when Mary Macdonald drops her fork half a table away, he stiffens as it rings in his ears. “Did you brew it properly?” he asks James.

“Don’t be daft. I could do this with a blindfold practically at this point.”

“Peter.” Sirius’s voice, low and tense, startles both him and James. The wrinkle between his eyes deepens as he points with his fork. “What color was the vial?”

Peter looks down in his robes. “Green. Why?” 

Sirius’s cheeks turn red. “It’s always purple. Why did you grab the green vial?”

“What’s in the green vial?” Remus asks, suddenly alarmed. He looks down at his cup, but the coffee looks and smells no different.

“Veritaserum,” Sirius says after a beat. “I stole it from Professor Slughorn’s cabinet. I was hoping to use some on Snivellus to— Well, I hadn’t figured out what exactly to do with it yet.”

“You’re telling me I have a full day of classes, and I just drank Veritaserum?” James asks. “How much did you put in there?”

“I don’t know. A lot!” If the look by Peter’s face is anything to go by, Remus is certain that it will not be wearing off anytime soon.

“Well, fuck.” Sirius falls back in his seat. “Well, no one ask any embarrassing questions, and we should be fine.”

The implication of what they’ve just done hits Remus full-force, and he feels his chest tighten as his breath quickens. The room swims for a moment, and he glances over at Sirius. Even now, Sirius looks charming and frustratingly at ease. He pushes his hair back out of his face with one hand and pulls a hair tie off his wrist with his teeth.

“I’m going to go,” Remus says, careful to with his choice of words. He stands quickly and pulls his satchel over his shoulder. Before he can walk away, however, Sirius speaks up.

"Can you grab the other vial while you’re at it? You know—the purple one.” He shoots Peter a look, and Peter sinks in his seat.

“Will do,” Remus says, and he turns on his heels and walks out of the Great Hall before his friends can say another word.

- - - 

Avoiding Sirius is harder than Remus images. He has to be careful not to try to give an excuse any time he leaves, knowing that lying is impossible. He catches the question in James and Sirius’s eyes each time he darts out after class, letting them know that he’ll see them later.

Lunch creeps by as well. With each question, he jumps, anxiously awaiting a wrong step. And by the time it’s over, Remus darts to the library with an apologetic explanation that he is headed to the library.

He’s anxious enough that he can hardly swallow more than a few bites, but despite his hunger, by the time dinner rolls around, Remus makes the decision not to go. The Astronomy Tower is thankfully empty, and he perches himself in the sill of a large window, staring outside and wondering how much longer the potion has.

“Thought you could use a bite to eat.” Remus startles and turns to see Sirius leaning against the doorframe, napkin and pasties in hand. “I managed to grab a few,” he says and tilts his head as he surveys Remus up and down.

“Sorry I missed dinner.” He frowns, wanting desperately to follow it up with some sort of excuse—that he wasn’t hungry or didn’t feel well—but finding himself unable to do so with the lingering effects of the potion.

“I know you’ve been avoiding me. Everyone knows.” Sirius crosses the room and motions to the sill besides Remus. “Can I join you, or do you want to be alone?”

“I want to be alone, but you can join me,” Remus says and rubs the back of his neck, uncomfortable by his own admission. After a moment, he takes the pasties from Sirius’s outstretched hand and sets the napkin in his lap. “Thanks for the food. I’m actually quite hungry.” As if for show, his stomach growls.

Sirius laughs, and his hand sits on top of Remus’s shoulder. Remus’s breath hitches, aware of the weight of Sirius’s hand against him. His eyes shut, and he swallows thickly, trying to compose himself.

“I thought we didn’t do secrets.” When Remus opens his eyes again, Sirius is staring straight at him, any trace of a smile gone. His eyes search Remus’s as if looking for an explanation, and Remus’s heart races. His fingers tighten into fists, and he frowns as he feels the sweat on his palms.

“Only this one,” he says.

“And if I asked you what it was, and you weren’t being forced to tell the truth, would you tell me what’s been bothering you all day?”

“No.” When he sees the flicker of hurt, Remus opens his mouth to explain more, but he stumbles trying to find the right words and shuts it once more. “I’m scared of ruining things,” he says instead and unfurls his fingers before picking at the crust on the food in front of him.

“I have a theory.” Sirius’s eyes narrow, and his hand moved to Remus’s jaw, holding his head in place so that their eyes stay locked. “I’ll make one guess, and if I’m right, will you tell me.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“I wouldn’t leave you without one, Moony. If you’d prefer, I won’t guess at all. But if you let me guess, I need to know if I’m right.” Remus considers for a moment and then nods. Sirius waits to see if Remus has more to say and then continues. “Do you love me?”

A buzzing starts in his ears, and although his whole body trembles, Remus nods again. “I love James and Peter too,” he says, and Sirius smiles, though it doesn’t quite reach his eyes.

“You always were clever at talking your way out of things.” Sirius’s hand drops, but his gaze doesn’t. “Are you in love with me?”

His mind rushes. There is no hiding from the truth now—Remus knows. The buzzing in his head swells, and his eyes start to burn as he nods one last time. He’s never had good control over certain reactions, but sitting in front of Sirius makes him feel exposed and raw. Remus bites the inside of his cheek, and the flash of pain does its job to ground him in reality again.

“I really don’t know what to do with you sometimes,” Sirius says, and Remus’s face flushes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he asks.

“It’s not a secret. I know you love me. James knows. Hell, I think even Peter does.”

The room stills. “What do you mean?”

“For a while, I wondered if you were waiting on something in particular to tell me.” Remus’s throat closes. A wave of shame runs over him at the thought of Peter seeing through him; he had been so sure that he had hidden it well. His gaze drops to the food, and his hunger dissipates. 

“I see.”

“Then I wondered if I’d misunderstood.” When Remus says nothing he continues. “Would it change anything to know that you’re not the only one who feels that way?”

The buzzing stops, and for the first time, Remus is aware of how quiet it is in the Astronomy Tower. Up here, away from the chirping of the crickets, there is nothing but stillness, and against it, the sound of his breathing fills the room. Remus braces himself and quashes the bubble of hope before it can blossom into something bigger. Then, he looks up.

“Oh.”

Sirius’s eyes are soft and warm, leaving no room for interpretation to bend the truth around. “You idiot,” Sirius murmurs, and he bends down, closing the gap until their lips touch.

Sirius’s touch is light at first, nothing more than a graze of the lips—a question. But a thrill rides through Remus, and he reaches up, fingers tightening around Sirius’s robes until he’s holding on for life, terrified to let go. He parts his lips and deepens the kiss, whimpering when Sirius’s tongue darts out and runs over his lips, easing them further.

Before he can settle, there’s a light thud, and Sirius pulls back. Remus falls forward at the suddenness of the empty space in front of him. It takes him a moment to realize that his food has fallen to the floor. Yet when he lurches to pick it up, Sirius’s hand settles on his chest, and gently, he stops him.

“Remus.”

Their eyes meet again, and they kiss.

[mooncat457writing]

Stolen Jumpers

Written for 10 Days of Healing - Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest. I hope you enjoy and thanks @swottypotter​ for hosting!

Fandom: Harry Potter

Ship: Wolfstar

Rating: T

Prompt: Solitude

Summary: August 28th, 1976. After running away to the Potter’s after his family try to set him up with an arranged marriage, Sirius locks himself in his new room until he gets a letter from Remus.

Word Count: 1k

Sirius stared at himself in the mirror having above the dresser in the spare bedroom at the Potters’ house. He dabbed some healing balm that Mrs. Potter—or Mum as she had insisted that he call her—had given him on the rapidly forming black eye. It disappeared almost in an instant, but he still felt the sting of it. It could have been worse. He was lucky. After he’d mouthed off to his mother right before an important dinner, she’d sent him upstairs to hide until she could send Kreacher to heal her handiwork. He’d been able to escape his horrible house with only a black eye which was nothing short of a miracle.

He sighed and stared at the rucksack on his new bed, which held his wand, the jumper he’d stolen from Remus, his Gryffindor scarf, a book a Muggle poetry from his uncle Alphard, his mirror (which James had the match of), a few of the band t-shirts James got him for Christmas, and a box of pictures and random memories. It was everything he had to his name other than the leather jacket hanging on the hook on the back of the door. He would need all new school robes and textbooks, and there wasn’t a lot of time to get them either, with the school year starting in 3 days. Mrs. Pott—Mum said they would go shopping in Diagon Alley the day before they needed to leave for the train, make a whole day out of it and stay at the Leaky Cauldron, which was generous of her. More generous than Sirius thought he deserved, but that was who the Potters were. Their generosity was why Sirius felt so guilty for hiding out in the extra room—or his room, he supposed—instead of being downstairs to talk to them about what exactly happened that made him run away. But he couldn’t face that conversation, at least not at that moment.

Sirius sat on the bed and pulled the small metal cookie tin that served as his box of memories out of his bag, setting it on his lap. He opened the lid, and right on top sat his most recent addition to the box, the letter from Remus from a few months prior. The “I miss you” letter. With a sad smile, he took it out and set it aside. Underneath it was a photo of him and Remus taken with Remus’ Muggle Polaroid and the movie ticket from the time Remus took the Marauders to a Muggle movie over the Christmas holiday. As he sifted through the box’s contents, he noticed that most of its contents were Remus related. He didn’t have the time to process that realization, though, because, at that precise moment, there was a tapping sound at his window.

He glanced over his shoulder to see the Lupin’s small barn owl named Pepper sitting on the window sill with a large package in its beak and sprang up to throw the latch open. Pepper hooted as Sirius took the package from it, then waited expectantly for payment. Sirius took the package and sat on the bed again before carefully prying the Spellotaped letter off the front of it. Thankfully, it had some owl treats in the envelope which he palmed and held out for Pepper. She flew over, devoured them, then hooted and flew off, leaving Sirius alone again.

He smiled down at Remus’ tiny handwriting scrawled across the parchment, then unfolded it.

Pads,

James called me by Floo the moment you mirror-called him from the Knight bus. I tried to come, but my parents won’t let me leave in the middle of the night, so close to having to leave for school. Maybe I’ll be able to convince them in the morning, though. I hate your stupid parents. I mean, honestly, and arranged marriage? You’re not fucking royalty, even if that hag of a woman thinks she is. Her quest for maintaining blood purity is archaic and horrifying. I’m glad you could get out. Although, I hate that you have to deal with that. It fucking sucks. And I hate not being able to be there for you even more.

Promise me you’re not hiding out in the Potters’ guest room—or I guess your room now—not talking to anyone. They care about you as much as I do and just want to help. So do I, so whatever you need, just let me know. Since I can’t be there in person, I thought I’d send you some chocolate and one of my jumpers. I’m not sure if you would have been able to grab that one you stole before you left, and I know you like them. If my parents don’t let me Floo to the Potters’ in the morning, I’ll see you on the train.

Miss you.

Yours always,

Moony

At the bottom was a poorly drawn version of the paw prints that Sirius always signed his letters with.

Sirius smiled and blinked a few times, willing away the tears forming in his eyes. He carefully untied the wrapped parcel and noticed another note Spellotaped to one of the dozen Chocolate Frogs sitting on top of Remus’ fluffiest jumpers.

So you can restart your collection.

He let out a laugh mixed with a sob and hugged the new jumper to his chest. He didn’t even bother to fight the urge to bury his face in it. Then, for the first time that evening, he let himself cry, enveloped in the smell of chocolate, bergamot, and fresh grass that he associated purely with Remus. Even though he wasn’t actually there, just his jumper did the trick of soothing Sirius. With a sniff, Sirius shook himself out of his grief and slipped the oversized jumper over his head so he could talk to the Potters—his new family—about why he showed up on their doorstep in the middle of the night with a black eye.

Also on AO3

[dusk-writes]

––––––

It is painfully clear that Azkaban has taken its toll– he is little more than a skeleton beneath the prison rags, his hair a filthy mess and his eyes bruised and sunken. When he opens them, though, they are the same piercing grey Remus remembers, sharp and alert.

‘Are you going to kill me, Remus?’ he croaks. ‘I won’t blame you… I’d deserve it.’

‘Not yet,’ Remus answers mildly, wand-point trained on his former friend’s chest. ‘I want you to tell me the truth first, Black.’ The surname feels wrong on his tongue, and he pointedly ignores the way Sirius flinches at the harsh sound of it. ‘Why did you do it?’

‘…I didn’t trust you. I was a fool, and I didn’t… I thought he’d keep them safe.’

‘You thought Vol– we knew he wanted them dead, Sirius! Why the fuck would you think–’

‘Wormtail,’ says Sirius. ‘Not… it was Wormtail; he was supposed to…’ His face twists in disgust. ‘I trusted the Rat.’

‘You killed Peter.’

‘I wish I had,’ Sirius spits. ‘Then he wouldn’t be able to…’ His expression shifts to something desperate, panicked. ‘…Harry, is Harry safe?’

To his shame, Remus doesn’t know where Harry is, hasn’t had any word of him since Dumbledore insisted that of course he was safe, but it was better for everyone involved if no one else knew where to find him. ‘He is– not that it’s anything to you, after you tried to have him killed.’

‘What– no, no, Moony; I’d never hurt him; I couldn’t– should have done it myself, but I had to try to be clever, and it was a mistake and it’s my fault but I didn’t, didn’t want, thought they’d be safer if–’

A cold sort of certainty washes over Remus, and he stumbles back, catches himself against the wall. ‘You switched,’ he whispers, and knows he’s right as soon as the words leave his lips. ‘You weren’t– they made Peter the secret-keeper. It wasn’t you.’

Sirius shakes his head, hair hanging in his face. ‘My idea. My fault.’

‘No,’ Remus says, more firmly. He reaches out and grasps Sirius by the hand, pulls him to his feet. ‘You weren’t the one who betrayed them, Padfoot– you only wanted them to be safe.’

‘But I betrayed you,’ he whispers. ‘I thought you were the one who…’

‘And I spent years thinking you were guilty, Sirius,’ Remus replies quietly. ‘If you can forgive me for that, for taking so long to do anything about it… that’s all I could ask for.’

Sirius gives a dry cracked sob in response, and Remus pulls him in close– careful to give him ample opportunity to pull back if he wants to, but Sirius leans into the embrace, holds on like he’s drowning and Remus is his lifeline.

‘We’re okay, Pads,’ Remus murmurs, rubbing slow comforting circles across his back. ‘We’re going to be okay.’

[justtoarguewithyou]

9/24: Forgiveness

My contribution to the @swottypotter comfort minifest. did we all write about the prank? i hate the prank. ugh.

The moon was waxing, and Remus was already very tired. Friday would be a full moon. The first full moon of his last year at Hogwarts.

It was a shame the penumbral lunar eclipse wouldn’t be visible this time. Remus loved an eclipse because as the moon was obscured, he could feel himself waking up inside the wolf, which was fun. During an eclipse, he had little moments that were his own, when he could fully appreciate his friends, and their forest adventures.

He wondered what a total eclipse would feel like. When the moon was totally obscured, would it be what he imagined being an Animagus felt like? Total eclipses were rare, and even rarer that they would be visible where he was. But now he wondered.

He hadn’t experienced too many total eclipses in his 17 years. Only ten.

There hadn’t been one since before The Prank.

What a stupid thing to call it, Remus thought.

It hadn’t been funny, or harmless. Whatever mischief Snape had wanted to cause wasn’t worth his death. James had stopped Snape from reaching the wolf. Sirius didn’t come, and neither did Peter.

It had been his first full moon alone in ages. The wolf had howled long and loud over that.

Sirius, who had never hidden from anything in his life, had hidden from Remus the entire day after his transformation. Remus had been hurt and disappointed when he woke up in the hospital wing to James sitting in the chair by his bed.

James had been furious.

“We’re sending you to Coventry,” James had hissed at Sirius when he slunk into the common room that night. He hadn’t even been at dinner.

Sirius, looking even further crestfallen, had watched James turn on his heel, and march up to the dormitory. For the rest of the school term, neither James nor Peter would speak to Sirius, or look at him, or even acknowledge his existence in any way. If they had known how deeply it cut him, they would never have done it. But Sirius bore his punishment stoically, falling back on the lessons he’d learned in early childhood to avoid further punishment at his mother’s hand.

Sirius had been slightly ecstatic when Remus, on the other hand, had been furious with him and told him so. They had it out over several nights in the dormitory alone together. James swore dust fell from the common room ceiling from all the magic and anger rolling off the pair of them overhead.

Sirius had been defensive and embarrassed, and hated himself for what he’d done. Remus had been torn between wanting to hold Sirius accountable for his actions, yet extending him the grace to be a person who was capable of learning from their cock-ups. Though, to be fair to himself, this was a pretty monumental cock-up.

“I’m sorry, Moony, I didn’t think—it’s just the Black coming out, the familial madness,” Sirius said, not daring to call it lunacy.

In their more tender moments after Sirius had confessed his feelings only weeks before, Sirius said it was the Black lunacy that drew him to Remus, to his Moony.

“Bollocks,” Remus said vehemently. “No Black would’ve exacted any kind of revenge in such a careless way. They’re all Slytherins—they’d never get caught. You’re lucky Dumbledore didn’t expel you.”

Sirius hummed thoughtfully. “That’s true. But this does fall under the heading of wanton destruction, at which the Blacks also excel. Seems I’ve done a lot of that, if James and Peter are anything to go by.”

“Well. They’ll come around.”

The Prank had taken place on June 1, the last full moon of the school year. The wolf had run alone all summer. Well. Not run—the shed was always unbearable after running free in the Forbidden Forest.

Sirius had written several plaintive letters to Remus over the summer. And Remus had answered them; curt at first. But as the summer wore on, Remus was better able to fill the pages. They wrote about it, because they had to.

I still don’t understand, Sirius. I don’t think I’ll ever understand. How can you love me, call me your friend, more than your friend, and betray me? And not just me, but the wolf as well? And for what? If it had worked, and Snape had been injured, or died, or turned…I could’ve been arrested. Or worse, Sirius.

What if I had been sent to Azkaban? What if I had been kissed? Or, what if the Ministry had decided to not even extend me that courtesy. What if the Ministry had decided to exterminate me?

It’s absurd, Sirius. I’ll never really believe you did it. It feels imaginary; like this was some half-hearted attempt to establish a secondary character’s motive in a children’s novel…it makes no sense. Believe me, I know, having read a lot of novels.

I’ll see you on the platform the day after tomorrow.

The train ride had been a bit frosty. Remus knew that Peter hadn’t responded to any of Sirius’s letters, but had written to James and Remus. Peter was excellent at holding a grudge.

Remus also knew that Sirius and James had reestablished their comradery after an impromptu fistfight in the back garden two nights after they got home. Their battle resulted in a black eye apiece, a broken pinky, a cracked metatarsal, and various bruises to their arms, backs and stomachs. Sirius even had a bite on his tricep.

Fleamont had broken it up, whisked them into the greenhouse, and episkied them without comment. After a few silent moments—the boys looking and feeling foolish, and Fleamont’s eyebrows furrowed in consternation—he warned them against mentioning any of it to Euphemia. Luckily, she hadn’t seen any of it, having gone into the living room before the fight broke out.

“…unless you wanted an hours-long lecture on the immorality of violence as a problem-solving technique,” Fleamont had said, eyebrows still drawn together. “Though it might do you some good to hear it.”

James and Sirius had also established an armed neutrality regarding Snape: James was determined that they should ignore Snape this year, no matter what he did.

Sirius had agreed because he loved his friends more than he hated Snape.

Sirius still looked slightly ashamed as they met Remus on the platform. But Remus had smiled, and had been kind during their train ride. They had shared snacks from the trolley and talked about their upcoming NEWTS, and placed their annuals bets on the question of Lily going out with James.

Remus had held Sirius’s hand as they sat in the horseless carriage together, and Sirius’s usually ramrod straight posture wilted with relief; he might have cried, if it had not been for James and Peter’s presence.

The welcome feast was delicious as usual. Remus caught Lily looking sideways at James a few times, and felt good about his odds of winning the pot.

They had unpacked after, and spent time together in the common room. Sirius had managed to get a weak laugh out of Peter. At midnight, when James and Peter were snoring, Sirius parted Remus’s bed curtains.

“Come on, then,” Remus scooted over to let Sirius in. Sirius needed the comfort and the absolution of Remus’s arms.

As was their custom, Sirius still whispered “Good night, I love you,” and now added that he was so very sorry. Remus wished he didn’t have to add the second part, but he did.

“I love you, too,” Remus said.

Then Sirius cried, smothering his sobs with the pillow, and with Remus’s mouth as he kissed him. Sirius apologized over and over. And Remus, who loved Sirius more than he had ever loved anyone, cried, too, and caressed Sirius’s hair, and they kissed so gently over and over.

“This year will have to be different,” Remus whispered between kisses. “You can’t just say that you’re sorry. You’ll have to live it, too. It’s time to grow up, dauphin.”

Sirius could only nod desperately, as he took off their clothes because he needed the warmth of Remus’s skin. He fell asleep under Remus’s arm, with his face pressed to Remus’s rib cage, his fingers curled over Remus’s hipbone, his leg hooked over Remus’s legs.

The next morning, Sirius sent Snape to Coventry, and found that life was more relaxed and enjoyable when Severus Snape didn’t exist. Sirius began to accompany Remus to the library for homework, and had even remained awake during Arithmancy lectures.

Soon, their first full moon rose, and Remus was more himself than the wolf for a short during the penumbral lunar eclipse.

If Remus had brooded over the summer, the wolf had not. The minute the wolf emerged fully and sensed its companions, it headed to the usual play spots in the Forbidden Forest, choosing to run to the dell furthest away. The wolf was happy.

The transformation had been more mild than usual because of the eclipse and when Remus awoke, Sirius was tucked under his arm in the hospital wing bed, which Sirius had charmed larger to accommodate himself. Madame Pomphrey had stopped fighting that battle in their 5th year.

“Morning. Feeling all right?” Sirius asked.

“Yes, just fine,” Remus said, leaning into Sirius’s hand that gently touching his curls.

[mlim8]

The First 100 Years

[READS RIGHT TO LEFT]

Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest (Day 1: 09.19.20 - An Anniversary)

Sirius knows Remus frets over giving back as much as he gets and comes up with a ridiculous way to try and combat against it. They’re wizards too, so they’re gonna live for over a hundred years, don’t fight me on this —-

This is for @swottypotter​ ‘s #wolfstarcomfortminifest / #10daysofhealing …! Thank you for giving us a chance to have some comfort and love and healing uwu

The diamond was courtesy of LionsTigersnDice’s material on CSP… because I tried for hours to draw a diamond and it ended up looking like something someone threw up into Minecraft. Also catch me googling traditional anniversary gifts for all years and trying to figure out what I want to do with that idea because I KNEW there was something there…. 

[engie-ivy]

Since I loved writing the first one, I wrote another fic for @swottypotter Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest. I really wanted to write a birthday-themed fic for 23/09, as today is my birthday🎉 So this is my birthday treat to you😅

It became way longer than I intended, so my (theme-related) apologies.

23/09: an apology

Summary:

Keeping your relationship healthy can be a challenge. In the middle of a war, dealing with secrets, false accusations and unjust suspicions, it’s even more of a challenge. But a fight can lead to an apology, an apology can lead to forgiveness, and forgiveness just might lead to happiness. And as it turns out, not all secrets are bad.

If tomorrow the world crumbles

Sirius is freaking out. Outwardly, nothing seems amiss. He’s sitting at the kitchen table in the flat he shares with Remus, reading the Daily Prophet. Inwardly, however, he’s on the verge of panic. He has been on edge all morning, his hands are fidgeting, and he has been staring at the same sentence for the last hour.

You see, Sirius doesn’t know where Remus is. Normally this wouldn’t be such a problem. They’re not attached at the hip. They’re in a healthy relationship and respect each other’s independence. But Remus is acting secretive, which still wouldn’t have been such a problem, if they didn’t have loaded conversation about that very thing just a few weeks ago. The war had been taking its toll on them and miscommunication, false accusations and unjust suspicions were threatening to break their relationship.

It started when James asked Sirius to come over for a meeting with him, Lily and Dumbledore. The threat to Lily and James was getting more serious and they needed to talk about an option that involved Sirius’s help. James asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Sirius didn’t even consider this to include Remus, and he thinks James didn’t either. What Sirius knows, Remus knows, that’s just how it is. The only reason Sirius didn’t tell Remus right away, was because Remus just happened to not be home at the time.

During the meeting, Dumbledore informed them about something called the Fidelius charm, and how it was James and Lily’s best chance of survival if the situation were to get worse. They talked about the technicalities of the charm, the best practice of how to implement it, and the possibility of Sirius being the Secret Keeper. By the end of that first meeting, it was Dumbledore who asked Sirius not to tell anyone. Once again, Sirius had agreed, without considering it to include Remus as well, but unlike James had done, Dumbledore pressed the issue further. There was a traitor amongst the members of the Order of the Phoenix, and they were completely in the dark about who it could be, so the general rule had to be to not tell anyone, no exceptions. Dumbledore assured Sirius this did not mean they thought Remus was the traitor, it simply meant they didn’t have concrete proof that he wasn’t the traitor. None of them could imagine Remus ever betraying them, but then again, that could be said for all their friends, and one of them was undeniably betraying them, so that line of reasoning simply couldn’t be applied anymore.

So Sirius had to go behind Remus’s back. Sirius went to meetings with Dumbledore, James and Lily without informing Remus. They discussed the information Dumbledore was getting from his non-disclosed spies, and tried to monitor how urgent the threat against James and Lily was, and they discussed the risks that being the Secret Keeper would involve for Sirius (“Are you sure you want to do this, Pads?” “Yes, Prongs, I’m sure.” “Don’t you need more time to decide if you want to put your life at risk just to help me?” “Prongs, I’ve known I’d give my life to protect you since I was twelve. I’ve had plenty of time.”). Every time Sirius got back, he ignored Remus’s questions. He could barely look Remus in the eye, because every time he did, he could see the hurt and confusion. His solution was to avoid Remus as much as he could after these meetings.

If things weren’t already strained, they got really bad when Remus started acting strange. He was going on Order missions much more often. Normally, Sirius knew exactly what type of mission Remus was on. Having someone to talk about it helped them stay sane, and sharing information and gaining more knowledge on the enemy could be beneficial. Now Remus suddenly had all these Order missions Sirius didn’t know anything about, and Remus wouldn’t tell him anything about. It was unsettling. Remus never flat out refused to answer his questions, which Sirius would’ve preferred, as then they could’ve had an apparently much-needed argument, but Remus gave these infuriating meaningless answers. “It went as you would expect.” “You know how these things go.” “It’s no use dwelling on it.” “We did what we had to do.” Remus started to stay away for longer periods of time, and the longer he stayed away, the snippier Sirius got with him. They couldn’t talk about the war or the Order anymore without one of them storming off, but the war consumed every aspect of their lives, so eventually they didn’t seem to be able to talk about anything anymore.

Things went from really bad to even worse when suspicion started creeping in. Sirius tried to think rational, to not let himself be blinded by his feelings for Remus, which were, despite everything, still so strong, but to look at the facts. There was a traitor in their midst and Remus was evidently keeping things from him. Remus caught him looking through some of his papers one night (some cut-out articles on Lycanthropy, some maps of England and Scotland, a letter from his dad; nothing incriminating). Sirius had expected Remus to snap, like he was constantly snapping at Remus these days, but Remus had just stood there and looked at him with so much hurt in his eyes that it made Sirius want to disappear.

The following morning, Remus was gone. Sirius found a note with just four words scribbled on it:

On an Order mission

Remus stayed away for two weeks. All that time, Sirius didn’t hear from him, not a single word, not any sign of life. Every time the thought crossed Sirius’s mind that he didn’t even know if Remus was still alive, it was immediately followed by the thought he didn’t even say goodbye.

Then, after two weeks, Remus came home. It really was as simple as that: opening the door and walking into the kitchen. He looked terrible. Pale, tired, thin, cuts on his hands and face. Sirius had been sitting on the couch and he watched Remus come in, feeling a whole range of emotions coursing through his body. He focussed on the anger and clung to it like a lifeline, as that was the emotion he knew, the emotion he grew up with, the emotion he knew how to express. The other emotions were too unfamiliar, too scary, too revealing.

“Where were you?” Sirius got up from the couch and stood behind Remus, who was standing at the kitchen counter stirring a Strenthening Potion, back turned to Sirius.

“Order mission,” Remus replied, without turning around to face Sirius. “Left a note.”

Sirius folded his arms over his chest. “Is that all you’re going to say?”

“No,” Remus replied in a flat tone. “I’m also going to say that I'm tired and I’m going to bed.”

“Fuck you, Remus,” Sirius hissed. “You think a four-word note justifies two weeks of absence?”

Remus finally turned around and glared at Sirius. “I don’t have to justify anything to you.”

“So you can just do whatever the fuck you like then?” Sirius asked. “Disappearing whenever to wherever doing whatever, and leaving me without even an inkling of when you’ll be back?”

“Don’t you dare, Sirius!” Remus shouted, pointing the spoon he was holding at Sirius’s chest, sending a few droplets flying. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t put this all on me when you’re the one who bloody started it. Leaving to secret meetings, not telling me what for or why I wasn’t allowed to join, acting distant and evasive. And I’m supposed to sit you down with a cup of tea and trust you with every detail of my missions when I get back?”

Sirius narrowed his eyes. “So that’s what this is about then? You don’t trust me. Do you think I’m the traitor, Remus?”

“No, you stupid idiot!” Remus smashed his cup down in the sink. “I don’t think you’re the traitor, I think that you think I’m the traitor, and that’s even fucking worse!”

“Well, what am I supposed to bloody think, then?” Sirius shouted back. “You’re obviously keeping things from me! How is this sketchy behaviour going to make anything better? Why couldn’t you just come talk to me, so you could have proven that you’re not-”

“Because I shouldn’t have to proof anything to you!” A hint of pain was seeping through in Remus’s frustration. “All my life I’ve had to proof myself to everyone, and all my life I’ll have to continue proving myself, simply because of what I am, but not to you. Never to you. You’re supposed to believe in me! You’re the one person who’s supposed to be on my side.”

“And I was,” Sirius said, trying to make Remus understand. “But you know how I am, how I overthink, how I get in my head. And then you leave me alone with my own thoughts without so much as a word?”

“You were already shutting me out,” Remus replied. “Leaving me alone with my anxieties and insecurities.”

“I was gone for a couple of hours, at most,” Sirius defended himself. “You were gone for two weeks, two weeks of me having no idea where you were. Two weeks, Remus! How could you even think that was okay? How could you do that to me? I thought something had happened to you! I thought I was never going to see you again. I thought...”

It was quite a remarkable thing. Sirius looked in Remus’s eyes and suddenly, in a single moment, all his anger seemed to dissipate. Because that was just the thing now, wasn’t it? He thought he was never going to look in those eyes again. He hadn’t been angry, mistrusting or betrayed, he had just been fucking scared. Scared that he was ruining the best thing in his life and didn’t know how to stop it, scared that something had happened to Remus, scared that he had lost him.

All the emotions that used to be hidden underneath thick layers of anger, were suddenly washing over him. Threatening to overwhelm him. Fear, sadness, hurt, guilt... It was too much all at once. Sirius’s legs gave out from under him and he crumbled to the floor. He was crying. For the first time in weeks, he was crying, and now there was no stopping it.

“I thought you weren’t coming back, Moony! And you didn’t even gave me a chance to say goodbye. I thought I would never get to tell you that I love anymore. I was so scared, Moony, I was so scared...”

Sirius felt two arms wrap around him from behind and he was pulled backwards against Remus’s chest. He heard Remus softly talking to him. “I came back, I’m here, I got you, I’m here, I’m not leaving...”

They stayed like that for a while. Remus sitting on his knees, his arms wrapped around Sirius, and Sirius clinging to him. Sirius used the steady rhythm of Remus’s breathing to ground himself. He spoke again when he regained some of his composure.

“I am on your side, you know.”

He felt Remus’s arms tighten around him.

“I never thought you were the traitor,” Sirius continued, and the moment he said it he knew it was true. He had tried to shut off his emotions and only use rational thinking. He had told himself that he couldn’t know for sure Remus was truly loyal to them, and that Remus’s behaviour was suspicious. But no matter how much he had tried to use only logical reasoning, deep in his heart he never truly believed Remus would ever betray them.

“Dumbledore and I were meeting with Prongs and Lils. They want to use the Fidelius charm to go into hiding, and we were discussing me being their Secret Keeper,” Sirius said, because he was just sick of it. Sick of pretence, sick of secrets, sick of feeling like half of him was missing.

“Dumbledore asked us not to tell anyone, no exceptions. Maybe I’m blinded by love and this will be my downfall, but Merlin, I’d rather face my downfall with you by my side than get through this war alone.”

“Moody wants a spy within Greyback’s werewolf community,” Remus replied. “We were trying to make connections, and infiltrate. Moody also told me to not tell anybody. Normally I wouldn’t even consider that to include you, but you were shutting me out. I guess I wanted to... get back at you? I was being petty and vindictive.”

“You were right to be.”

Sirius felt Remus shake his head.

“No. I should never have left without a word. It was cruel and selfish and I regretted it the moment I did it. Please know that I thought of you every day. Please know that I... Merlin, I’m sorry, Padfoot! I’m just so sorry. What I’ve put you through... I’m sorry.”

“No, Moony, it was my own stupidity,” Sirius replied. “Thinking I could just start keeping secrets from you and everything would be fine... I’m an idiot. I didn’t even try to talk to you, and I’m sorry. I’m sorry for creating this mess. I’m sorry for ruining everything we built together.”

“Don’t say that.” Remus’s voice suddenly sounded firm. “I’m here, aren’t I? And we’re talking.”

Sirius felt a glimmer of hope that they were actually working towards something good here, that this could be a new beginning instead of an inevitable end, that this fight was long-overdue, but maybe not too late.

After a silence, Remus whispered against his hair. “You’re going to be in a lot of danger.”

Sirius squeezed Remus’s hand. “So are you.”

“Fucking war,” Remus mumbled.

Sirius pushed himself up and turned to face Remus. They were now both sitting on their knees on the kitchen floor, looking at each other, their hands clasped together between them.

“This war is going to take so much from us,” Sirius said. “I don’t want it to take this as well, to take what we have.”

“Me neither,” Remus said. “But we’re still here, we’re still together, still fighting for us. And I’m not going to give up that fight.”

Sirius looked at Remus with a resolute expression on his face. “If we want to give us a fighting chance, we need to be honest with each other, believe each other, and trust each other.”

Remus looked back at him with the same kind of intent. “I promise I will. No matter what.”

Sirius held Remus’s hand a little tighter. “No matter what.”

From that moment on, it seemed like they managed to restore their relationship. They could rely on each other again for support and advice. Remus could vent to Sirius about the anger, frustration and powerlessness he had felt when seeing Greyback again. Sirius could check with Remus some of the plans he and James came up with regarding the going into hiding, such as the idea that has been playing in his head of making Peter the Secret Keeper in an unpredictable move, while he himself will serve as a distraction. He was slightly taken aback when Remus pressed him not to, but as Remus explained, he understood his reasoning. Remus had been worried about Peter lately. Peter seemed to have lost all hope that they could win this war, and he was terrified of what the opposing forces might do to them once they’d fall into their hands. Remus thought his fear might make Peter an easy target for You Know Who and his Death Eaters, and you never know what kind of bad decisions a desperate person can make. Sirius listened to Remus and decided to put that idea out of his head. He felt bad he hadn’t noticed Peter was in such a bad state, and this was just one of many reasons why he needed Remus in his life.

But it wasn’t just talking about plans and tactics. There were also moments of intimacy, calmness, happiness. Mornings of being tangled up in each other and not leaving the bed, afternoons of Sirius lying with his head on Remus’s lap while Remus reads to him, evenings of sitting on the carpet and eating greasy take-out, nights of dancing in the living room. Moments on which they could pretend there was no war.

But back to Sirius freaking out. You see, Remus is doing it again. He’s going to places and Sirius doesn’t know where, he’s talking to people and Sirius doesn’t know who. Once again, there’s something he’s keeping from Sirius. Sirius hasn’t confronted Remus, as he had promised to trust him. But had Remus not promised to be honest with him? Well, he’s obviously not. Sirius tries to not overthink it. Remus probably has a good reason, and he just has to wait until Remus is ready to tell him. He does trust Remus, he really does, but what if Remus doesn’t trust him anymore? Or what if he has tried, but just can’t forgive Sirius for his stupidity after all, and now he’s pulling away?

This morning, when Sirius woke up, Remus was gone. He hadn’t told Sirius where he was going, or even that he was going somewhere. The only thing there was, was another one of those damned notes, only three words this time:

Running some errands

Sirius tries to put his mind to rest as he apparates in Godric’s Hollow and makes his way over to James and Lily’s. James has asked him to come by to help him go over some documents the Order confiscated. Sirius told Remus about this, but he wonders if his boyfriend even remembers. Maybe the task can be a good distraction, but Sirius highly doubts he’ll be able to focus on any documentation right now.

He’s recognized by the protective spells surrounding the house, speaks the required passwords and steps into the hall. Unsuspecting, he walks into the living room.

“Surprise!”

The outcry is followed by a huge cloud of confetti flying in Sirius’s face. Startled, Sirius jumps backwards, and, once the cloud has subsided, looks around the room in shock. The room is excessively decorated with a large variety of garlands and balloons. In front of him are the grinning faces of his fellow Order members and friends Dorcas Meadowes, Marlene McKinnon, Fabian and Gideon Prewett, Peter, James and Lily, and, of bloody course, Remus.

Sirius blinks. “What... What is this?”

“Oh, Merlin.” James steps forward and wraps him into a hug. “Moony wasn’t exaggerating when he said you had completely forgotten about your birthday.”

“My birthday?” Sirius asks dumbfounded. Is it November already? Yes, come to think of it, it is.

“And not just any birthday!” Lily exclaims. “Your twenty-first birthday! Who knows, maybe someday you’ll become an actual adult after all.”

“Let's not hope too hard, Lily,” Marlene grins.

Sirius looks around the circle of friends, still feeling rather overwhelmed. “Can I maybe talk to Moony for a second?”

“I’m sorry,” Remus says, as soon as their other friends are in the kitchen. “This was a bad idea, wasn’t it? I’m sorry, Padfoot, I just wanted to do something nice for your birthday and you always love parties so much... I could tell you noticed something was up and I could tell you were freaking out. I really am very sorry, I should’ve-”

Sirius wraps his arms tightly around Remus. “You wonderful, kind, amazing man. I love you so much, but don’t ever do that to me again!”

Remus hugs him back. “But you do like it?”

Sirius pulls back just enough so he can look at him. “I do, but please, no more secrets. And we need to work on your note-writing skills. Really, Moons, first a four-word note and now a three-word one?”

The evening really couldn’t be better. James and Lily have prepared an elaborate dinnerl and they sit around the kitchen table, just eating, drinking, talking and laughing. By the end, they serve a large, home-made cake, complete with candles. Sirius has to make a wish while blowing out the candles, because apparently there’s no age-limit to that tradition. Sirius looks around the table, to Marlene, who’s leaning with her head on Dorcas’s shoulder, contently sipping her Butterbeer, to Fabian and Gideon, who are sporting identical goofy grins, to Peter, who’s bouncing in his chair from excitement (and a few sips of brandy too much), to James, who’s looking back at him with such incredible fondness, while his arms are wrapped around Lily’s waist, and to Remus, who’s sitting next to him, holding his hand underneath the table and leaning his head on his other hand, tilted towards him with his lips curled into a soft smile. Sirius blows out the candles.

Please, please let us make it through this.

“You really put way too much effort into this,” Sirius says, as Lily is dividing the cake.

“Well,” Lily replies. “You can make us all coffee then.”

It’s a well-established fact in their friend group that Sirius makes the best coffee, and therefore it’s usually his task, birthday or not.

Sirius grins. “Normally I shouldn’t be put to work on my birthday,” he says, while getting up from his chair. “But the idea of having to drink coffee made by any of you...”

Lily jokingly rolls her eyes at him. Sirius walks towards the kitchen counter, grabbing the container in which James and Lily keep their coffee. He opens it, and it’s like his heart stops and the whole world fades away for a moment. There’s no coffee in the container. Which is not the reason for his reaction. Sure, he likes coffee, but really not so much to have an almost-heart attack at the sight of a coffee container containing no coffee. No, in the container sits a small, black box.

Sirius picks it up and turns around. His friends have huddled behind the kitchen table, staring at him with huge, hopeful smiles, and James suddenly holding a bottle of champagne, but Sirius hardly registers any of that. The only thing he focusses on is Remus, sitting on one knee right in front of him. Sirius is crying before he has even processed what’s about to happen.

“I know you didn’t want any more secrets, but I promise you, this is the last one.” There’s a tremor in Remus’s voice, probably from keeping his emotions under control. “I don’t even know how to put in words what you mean to me. With you... I don’t just want to be a better person, I’ve actually become a better person. I wouldn’t be who I am today if I hadn’t had you. I am braver, because I can be scared around you, I am more confident, because I can be insecure around you, I am happier, because I can be sad around you. You embrace every part of me and make me feel like I’m enough. You’re it for me, Sirius. I know you aren’t thrilled about my note-writing skills, from a four-word note to a three-word note, but I’m afraid there’s one more. Open it.”

With shaking hands, Sirius opens the black box. Inside, he sees a beautiful, elegant silver ring, and a small piece of parchment tucked in the lid. Sirius takes it out and unfolds it, seeing it is, indeed, a two-word note:

Marry me?

“Yes,” Sirius manages to say through his tears. “Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.” He flings himself forward to tackle Remus to the ground in a hug. He vaguely registers the sound of cheers and a champagne bottle popping open. He stares at Remus. “I’m yours, Remus Lupin,” he whispers, before kissing him.

Later that night, when they’re home and in bed, Sirius lying on his back with Remus nestled against him, head resting on his chest, Sirius has his hand stretched out in front of him, and both of them are staring at the ring around his finger, gleaming in the dim moonlight.

“When Prongs and I were discussing the idea of me proposing,” Remus says. “I said that a war was no time to be thinking about a wedding. Prongs replied that a war was no time to wait with the things you truly want, as tomorrow the whole world may crumble.”

“If tomorrow the world crumbles,” Sirius replies. “Having this, this evening, this moment, just this, makes it all worth it.”

[im-captain-egg]

Wolfstar & anniversaries

a few fun and sweet headcanons for Day 1 of the Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest by @swottypotter

Sirius remembers all the anniversaries

and when i say all, i mean all

first full moon together, first kiss, first date, actually getting together, first time holding hands in potions class - you name it

he collects little memories along the way like pictures, leaves, candy wrappers, coins, tickets etc.

leaves Remus little gifts and notes under his pillow or in his pockets

Remus tends to forget anniversaries

not the most romantic but he tries his best

somehow manages to always pull something off anyway

mostly with the help of Peter or Lily

one time Sirius forgot their “getting together” anniversary in their 5th year

he had been through a lot that summer, running away from home and all

Remus had the date actually marked down for once, red circle in his calendar and all

he had a huge and romantic thing set up for them with the help of his friends

a walk along the lake, watching the sunset, a romantic dinner in the kitchen, a handmade present, flowers, chocolate, music they could slow-dance to, the whole package

but Sirius has been awfully quite all week so Remus cancelled his original plan

instead they just curled up in the Common Room in front of the fireplace

James and Peter got them some hot chocolate and cookies

Remus and Sirius had never been happier

& now a ficlet

When Remus pulled the curtains to Sirius’ bed open, his boyfriend still laid underneath his covers, curled into a tight ball. His ink-black hair was fanned around his head like a crown, messy and uncombed from another sleepless night.

Remus gestured for James and Peter to leave for breakfast without them before he climbed into bed with Sirius.

It was a foggy Saturday morning and their anniversary. Usually, it was Sirius who would be climbing into bed with Remus in the morning, cuddling and kissing him until he was fully awake.

Remus reached out and brushed his knuckles across Sirius’ cheekbone. “Good morning, Pad,” he said softly with a smile. 

Sirius stirred, his grey eyes fluttered open and his sleepy gaze met Remus’ golden eyes. He looked awful, dark circles under his eyes, skin unhealthily pale and grey eyes heavy with sorrow and homesickness. 

It pained Remus to see his boyfriend like that. He felt helpless, unsure of what to do. He had hoped that once Sirius was no longer home, things would be better but it took more out of Sirius than Remus had thought at first. The best he could do was to be there for him in the same way Sirius had always been there for him.

“Rough night?” Remus asked and slipped under the cover, wrapping his arms around Sirius and pulled him close. Sirius hummed, the sound vibrating deep in his chest.

Remus carefully combed his fingers through Sirius’ hair, brushing his fingers over his ear and down his neck, nestling them into the hair at the nape of his neck. He brought his head down, brushing his lips over Sirius’ forehead, the scent of Sirius’ shampoo tickling his nose.

They laid in bed until the sun stood high in the sky, warmth creeping into the dorm room through scarlet curtains. “We should get up,” Remus said softly, nudging Sirius’ leg with his own. Remus pulled Sirius to his feet and helped him to get dressed.

Down in the Common Room, the others said around the fireplace and waved at the couple when they descended down the stairs. “We got you some hot chocolate and cookies,” Peter said with a smile and gestured to the cups and plates in front of him. 

“Thanks,” Remus replied and gently nudged Sirius over to the sofa. Together, they curled up again and Remus handed Sirius his hot chocolate before he took his own.

Sirius was quietly sipping his hot chocolate while Remus combed his fingers through his hair again.

The room around them was quiet, most students were outside and enjoying the autumn sun but Remus wouldn’t want to be anywhere else in the world but by Sirius’ side.

“Happy anniversary,” he mumbled into Sirius’ hair, placing a soft kiss on the top of his head.

Sirius lifted his head and looked up at him through a curtain of long lashes. His eyes looked a little brighter than they did earlier that day and his skin had regained some of its colour. “Thank you,” Sirius said, quietly. “For not giving up on me.”

A soft and warm feeling pulsated underneath Remus’ sternum and with a smile, he pulled Sirius closer, nestling his nose into his hair. “That’s what I’m supposed to say.”

They both chuckled, curling into each other some more, bathing in the comfort that they provided each other with.

[fvckyouimaprophet]

in an unsurprising turn of events, i’m late joining in on the first day of @swottypotter‘s 10 days of healing mini-fest, but here’s my submission for day one: anniversary. 

four times remus remembers anniversaries, and the one time sirius beats him to it.

I: “It Was a Dare” (1977)

Sirius hunches his shoulders forward. “Fuck. It’s cold.”

“You’re the one who insisted that you didn’t need to bring a cloak.” Remus sits comfortably in his and wraps the fabric tighter around his shoulders. “Need to go down?” He hands Sirius the joint, and the glimmer in his eyes says what he won’t—I told you so.

“Sod off.” Sirius snatches it from Remus’s fingers and puts it to his lips. The tip burns bright orange, stark against the gray stone of the Astronomy Tower, and when he pulls back, Sirius lets the smoke waft out slowly and circle his head.

“Don’t you think you look cool?” Remus laughs and leans in for a kiss. Their lips meet, slightly parted, and Sirius flicks his tongue over Remus’s lower one and breathes out slowly. He watches, transfixed, as Remus’s eyes flutter shut, his face half-lit.

His scars shimmer, nearly iridescent in the moonlight, and before he can stop himself, Sirius reaches up and runs the pad of his thumb gently across one. He starts just under Remus’s right eye and crosses the bridge of his nose. When his finger settles on his left cheek, Remus pulls back. He breathes out a faint stream of smoke—passed between them—and flushes.

"You look beautiful,” Sirius says. The high cradles him, and he teeters forward and presses a kiss to Remus’s forehead.

“Lightweight,” Remus teases, and he takes the joint back and lights it. Remus has never been able to sit with a compliment, so it comes as no surprise when he changes topics. “It’s our anniversary, you know.”

“Remus, we started dating eight months ago,” Sirius says. “I know you’re high, but surely you haven’t forgotten that.”

“Not that.” Remus rolls his eyes and a small bit of smoke comes out from his nostrils. “Our first kiss.”

“The first time we kissed was last year at Hogsmeade. James and Lily were on a date, and Peter had fucked off with Mary, and you said we should go to the Shrieking Shack, and—”

Remus cuts him off. “Nope, the first time we kissed was third year.”

Sirius scrunches his face up, ready to protest when it hits him. “It was a dare! That doesn’t count.”

“I could tell that you liked me.” Remus smirks and stubs out the joint. “You couldn’t look me in the eyes for two days after that.”

Sirius huffs and does his best to meet Remus’s look with a glare of his own, but he isn’t able to last long before he falters and nudges Remus lightly with his knee. “Fine. Maybe you’re right.” When he laughs, he sees his breath, and he shivers. “Now, can we finally go back?”

Remus chuckles and stands up.

II: “Technically, It Was Just Before Midnight” (1978)

"Well, I’m headed to bed. You two lovebirds behave,” James says, waggling his eyebrows at them.

They wish James good night, and when he disappears up the staircase, Remus turns and gives Sirius a sharp look. “You told him about last month, didn’t you?”

“I had to tell someone. I can hardly look at the Common Room the same way. You on this couch, begging—”

“I was there. We don’t need to relive it.” Remus doesn’t meet his eyes, but from the red tinge on the tops of his ears, Sirius is certain that despite his words Remus is thinking about it. After a moment, he rubs the back of his neck and clears his throat. “I’m surprised everyone’s gone to bed so early,” Remus says, glancing around the empty Common Room.

It’s not his best attempt at changing the subject, but Sirius lets him have it, knowing that the moment they disappear upstairs into the dormitory it won’t matter. “Yeah, it’s a bit unusual.”

Sirius dips a hand under Remus’s jumper and runs his fingers across Remus’s stomach. Remus lets out a breathy whine, and his head falls back against the pillows. He arches just barely into Sirius’s touch, and Sirius smiles, indulging as he traces his gaze up Remus’s legs to his torso where his skin is barely visibly just above the waistband of his trousers and to his neck, seemingly longer than usual as he tilts his head back.

Sirius leans forward and when he kisses the skin just at his pulse point, Remus reaches out, fingers curling around Sirius’s robes.

Before Sirius can think of what to do next, the portrait swings open, and he pulls back and composes himself just as two fourth year girls come into sight. His heart pounds against his chest, and when they disappear with hardly a glance thrown their way, Remus and Sirius double over laughing, and Sirius can’t shake the electric feeling that they’ve gotten away with something again.

“We should stop before we get in trouble,” Remus says, and he reaches into his robes. “Besides, I wanted to give you your anniversary present anyway.”

“You’re a day early.”

“Technically, it was just before midnight that you asked me out." Remus reaches into his pocket.

“Technically—“ Sirius scowls. “You’re insufferable.”

“Then, I suppose you don’t want your present.” The grin on Remus’s face lets Sirius know that he’s proud of whatever he’s hiding, and he hesitates.

“I just want to say that you’re taking advantage of my hatred of mysteries,” Sirius says and sticks out a hand.

“I know.” Remus gives him a victorious look before pulling out two rectangular pieces of paper and setting them in Sirius’s hand. 

He barely reads the words before he jumps up. “Fucking hell.” Sirius glances over at Remus and back down at the tickets in his hands. “Are these real? Am I really gonna see Bowie?” He lets out a whoop when Remus nods.

“You’re going wake people up,” Remus says, but Sirius can tell that he’s too excited to care. He stands up and wraps his fingers around Sirius’s hip, pulling him closer.

Despite himself, Sirius pouts, thinking of his present to Remus, locked in his trunk. “You know, it’s not fair. I put a lot of thought into what I got you, but now it’s gonna look like shite next to this.”

Remus rolls his eyes. “I’m sure I’ll love it. Now kiss me, you idiot.”

III: “Warmer” (1979)

Sirius wakes up to the smell of coffee and the feel of something heavy against his stomach. He blinks, his sight temporarily bleary as he adjusts to the light of day, and a full tray of food comes into sight.

Steam rises over the waffles and bacon, and narrows his eyes as he glances over at Remus. “What is this for?”

Remus glances upward at the ceiling and folds his hands in front of him. “Can’t I just be cooking my boyfriend breakfast to let him know that I care about him?”

Sirius raises an eyebrow and pulls himself up until he’s sitting, careful not to spill any of the coffee. He takes a sip before answering and hardly bites back a satisfied sigh. “Well, I know it's not the anniversary of the first time I told you that I loved you because you already sprung that one on me last year,” he says. 

“You don’t have to be bitter just because I have a better memory than you. Now try the waffles while they’re still hot.”

Sirius grumbles and cuts it, glancing at Remus all the while. “It’s not that I have a bad memory. You just have a freakishly good one.” He takes a bite and softens. “You’re such a good cook.”

“It probably has something to do with not growing up around a bunch of rich snobs who left the cooking to their House Elves,” Remus teases.

“Can’t argue with that.” Sirius takes another bite and does his best to think. “Are you going to make me guess?” Remus smirks. “I don’t know. First time I copied your homework.”

The smirk disappears, and Remus rolls his eyes. “You have to be a smart-ass about everything. No, this is actually meaningful.”

“First time hanging out—just the two of us—without James or Peter.”

“Warmer.” Sirius sets it down the utensils and does his best to rack his brain. Seeing his effort, Remus relents, taking pity on him. “The first time all of you came with me to the Shrieking Shack.” Remus sits on the edge of the bed and looks down at the floor. “I remember feeling so touched. I couldn’t fathom the idea that anyone would make that much effort to help something as monstrous as me.”

“Remus—” Sirius reaches out and places a hand gently on Remus’s arm.

“I know what you’re going to say. I’m not monstrous. For a while, even after that, I didn’t believe that you really saw me that way.” He turns and looks at Sirius, his lips quirked up in the slightest of smiles. “Who would’ve guessed that Sirius Black is actually a softie beneath it all?”

Sirius sets the tray of food on the nightstand and tugs Remus down on top of him. “I believe you’ve been sworn to secrecy about that,” he says. He nips at Remus’s lower lip before soothing it with his tongue.

“Syrupy.” Remus chuckles into the kiss, and Sirius hooks a finger into a belt loop of Remus’s trousers. He kisses his way up Remus’s jaw until he finds the spot just behind his ear that makes him melt.

“On a scale of one to ten, how mad would you be if I didn’t eat breakfast until after I’d fucked you?” he asks.

Remus glances over at the tray of food and then back at Sirius. “Four.” Sirius cups Remus and drops his lips to the spot where Remus’s neck meets his shoulder and sucks hard enough that Remus breathes in sharply through his nose. “Oh, just fuck me, but you better not expect breakfast from me anytime soon.”

Sirius grins. “I can work with that.”

IV: “It Makes Me Feel Like a Terrible Person” (1980)

Sirius leans over the balcony, staring vacantly down six stories to the people passing by on the street. 

He doesn’t remember the last time he’s smoked back-to-back like this. He ashes his cigarette in the tray and lifts it back up to his lips, closing his eyes and trying to push out the buzzing in his head by repeating the words in his head. Breathe in. Breathe out. He only gets to a six-count before he coughs, his throat raw.

When he reaches for the glass behind him, he misses and hears the sound of shattering glass instead. "Fuck.” Sirius pulls out his wand. “Reparo.” He watches the shards come together. He picks it up, staring at the smooth glass, and a surge of anger passes over him at the thought that there are no cracks, no signs of what just happened.

Sirius opens his hand and watches glasses fall again. This time, when it shatters, a shard flies up and hits his leg. He stares at a moment, watching as the blood wells up, beading before dripping down.

The glass door to the balcony slides open. “I heard something breaking.  Are you—” Remus’s eyes fall to the cut on Sirius’s leg, and he pulls out his wand, casting a few quick spells to close the cut, mend the glass, and clean the mess.

“I could have done that myself,” Sirius says. It comes out gruffer than he intends to, but Remus doesn’t flinch.

“You’re thinking about Regulus, aren’t you?” Remus asks. “It’s been a year since you found out that he—” Remus doesn’t finish the sentence, but he doesn’t have to.

Sirius nods and glances away, hating the way his chest tightens. “I hate him,” he says. He looks down at his cigarette, ash nearly down to the filter, and crushes it against the ashtray.

“I know.” If Remus has more to say, he bites his tongue. Instead, he stands behind Sirius and wraps his arms around his waist. His chin falls to Sirius’s shoulder. His hair tickles Sirius’s neck, and when Sirius breathes in, the scent is warm and familiar.

It’s enough to set him off, starting in the pit of his stomach and spreading until his body feels numb. He trembles and sinks against Remus as he lets down a deep, raspy breath. The tension leaves his body as he sobs, and he truly feels the weight of it.

"How many people died because of what he stood for?” he spits out. “I think about him, and then I get sad, and it makes me feel like a terrible person for even caring.” 

Sirius braces himself—ready to fight—waiting for Remus to coddle him and tell him that he’s not or that the fact that he cares shows a goodness within him. But Remus doesn’t. He turns Sirius around and presses a kiss to the corner of his lips, and when he looks at Sirius, his gaze holds all the words he can’t find.

Sirius swallows thickly and lets Remus lead them both inside.

V: “It Doesn’t Work Like That” (1981)

"Harry seems happy,” Remus says as he hangs up his coat. "He’s quite a natural on that broom already.”

Sirius laughs. “I’m calling it now. Give it twelve years, and he’ll be winning Gryffindor the Quidditch Cup.”

“You don’t know he’ll be a Gryffindor.” Remus ignores Sirius’s scoff as he heads to the kitchen. “I’m going to put the kettle on. Want some tea?”

“I think I’m alright for now—thanks.”

He watches as Remus moves around their apartment, lost in thought. He knows Remus’s system by now—grab the milk out of the fridge, set the water to boil, pull the mugs from the cupboard, spoon out the sugar into them before adding the water, dip the teabag three times before winding the string around the handle, and finish it off with a splash of milk.

It’s the smallest of routines, but watching it, he feels heart swell in his chest. His hand falls to his robe pockets. “Remus, did you know today’s our anniversary?” he asks.

Although his back faces Sirius, Sirius can see as Remus’s brow furrows and he runs through any possible moments he might have missed. “What of?” 

“When I asked you to marry me.” Sirius fishes the box out from his pocket. Before he can decide whether or not to go on one knee, Remus turns around.

“You haven’t asked me to— Oh.” He stares at the box, gasping when Sirius undoes the latch and the silver band comes into view.

“I wanted to have a big fancy speech prepared, but I’d probably bugger it up just trying to remember it all. And I know today’s just some ordinary day, and you haven’t even finished making your tea, but with the war and all, you never know when it’s all going to go to shite, and if I died without asking you to marry me, I’d probably come back as a ghost just to beat myself up over it. So, will you? Will you marry me?” 

Remus nods frantically, and it takes Sirius a moment to realizes that there are tears welling up in his eyes. “Of course I will.”

Sirius fumbles as he reaches for the ring and nearly drops it before sliding it on Remus’s finger. Between sniffles, Remus laughs, and they step forward and kiss—wet and messy and desperate. His hand falls to the back of Remus’s neck, and he runs his fingers up into Remus’s hair and tightens his fingers.

The world drops as they kiss until nothing exists beyond this moment. And when they pull back, Sirius’s head spins, and his shoulders shake as catches his breath.

They stand, neither willing to let go of the other. “It doesn’t work like that.” 

“What doesn’t?” Sirius asks, and he traces the back of his fingers along Remus’s jaw.

“Anniversaries. It's called an anniversary for a reason. Ann—”

“Means year in Latin. I know. But you always beat me to them. Just for once, I wanted to surprise you.”

For a second, Remus looks as if he’s going to insist, but any fight quickly disappears, and he folds. “Fine, but it’s not fair. How am I supposed to top this?”

Sirius smiles. “Somehow, I’m sure you’ll find a way.”

[mooncat457writing]

And the Dog Star

Written for 10 Days of Healing - Wolfstar Comfort Mini-Fest. I hope you enjoy and thanks @swottypotter​ for hosting!

Fandom: Harry Potter

Ship: Wolfstar

Rating: T

Prompt: Forgiveness

Summary: March 3rd, 1976. After several weeks of Sirius giving Remus space in the aftermath of The Prank, Remus decides that they finally need talk to things out.

Word Count: 850

Remus stood at the edge of the Astronomy Tower, leaning his arms on the half wall as he stared up at the stars. Out of reflex, he found Canis Major first. Sirius’ constellation. The dog star. It wasn’t shining as brightly as it usually did. If Remus put any stock into Divination using the stars, he might have thought there was meaning in that.

He heard a sound on the stairs behind him and quickly turned toward it.

“Hi,” Sirius mumbled. He stared at his feet and kicked at a brick with one of his heavy Muggle combat boots.

“Oh, Padfoot,” Remus breathed, unable to help his heart from pulling at the sight of him. Remus had done his best not to spare a glance at Sirius over the past two weeks, but now that he was looking, he couldn’t help but have sympathy for him. Sirius’ usually sleek and carefully styled long hair was dull and uncombed, he seemed paler than usual, and he had dark circles under his eyes from lack of sleep.

Sirius’ head snapped up at the nickname. His eyes filled with tears, and he rushed toward Remus, babbling. “I’m so sorry, Remus. So, so sorry. I’m such a fuckup. Fuck—I’m just—I hurt everyone around me. I don’t mean to, but I do because I don’t think things through and I’m impulsive—”

“Pads—”

“No—I don’t deserve that nickname. I don’t deserve you. You’re so good. Merlin, Remus, you’re so good and so kind and patient. And you’ve been there for me through everything, and then I just go and completely shit all over that—all over our friendship and—” he buried his face in his hands, “And now I’m just making this about me and I’m so sorry.”

Remus pulled Sirius’ hands away from his face. “It’s ok.”

“But it’s not, Re—”

“Sirius, please let me talk.”

Sirius stared down at him, tears streaming down his face.

“I talked to Lily. She told me that Snape has been going on about me for weeks. He already suspected that I’m a werewolf and just didn’t know how to prove it. He wanted something on me—I guess to get me kicked out,” Remus paused, “or more likely you since he suspected that you, James, and Peter were up to something, too. So, honestly, it’s his own fault that he was bloody stupid enough to go down a tunnel he believed led to a monster—”

“You aren’t a monster—” Sirius protested out of a habit he had to always correct Remus when he was being self-deprecating. “And I’m still the one who told him how to get past the tree,” he said, staring down at his feet.

“I know, but I absolutely believe that he goaded you into it. Snivellus is a slimy git who knows exactly how to push your buttons. I know that you didn’t mean for him to go down there.”

“You don’t know that. Hell, I don’t even know that for sure.” He looked up. “Remus, what if somewhere deep down I knew what would happen—”

“No,” Remus said firmly, putting his hands on Sirius’ shoulders. “I know where you’re going and no. You are nothing like your family. You’re a good person who would never intentionally hurt anyone that didn’t deserve it.”

“I hurt you though. I didn’t mean to, but I still did,” Sirius said with a sniff. “You’re the person who means the most to me in this whole bloody place, and I fucked that up.”

As he watched more tears fall from Sirius’ grey eyes, Remus couldn’t stop some from escaping his own. He couldn’t be the person who meant the most to him. There was no way. James was Sirius’ best friend. Remus always knew that. They were attached at the hip, had a secret language that not even he and Peter understood. But he couldn’t protest that, not right then. All he could say was, “You didn’t fuck it up. You’re still my best friend. We’re alright.”

“I’m still so sorry.”

Remus moved to caress Sirius’ face, wiping away his tears with the pads of his thumbs. Sirius exhaled sharply and grabbed at Remus’ wrists to hold his hands in place. “I forgive you,” Remus said.

Sirius let out a choked sob and pulled him in for a crushing hug. Remus let out a little “oof” in surprise, then sighed and wrapped his arms around Sirius’ neck, lifting on his toes so he could rest his chin on his shoulder.

Sirius sobbed again and squeezed Remus tighter, almost as if he was afraid that he would disappear. “Thank you,” he mumbled. “Thank you, thank you, thank you.”

Remus hugged Sirius with everything he had and let himself be hugged. They were probably standing in their embrace longer than any ordinary pair of friends’ embrace would. But he didn’t care. He missed his best friend. Missed his warmth, the way he somehow always smelled of a campfire, the way he made Remus feel at home.

“You’re welcome,” he whispered.

Also on AO3

[dusk-writes]

finally got the rest of this fic posted on AO3! :D

AU drabble for @swottypotter’s comfort fest, for the prompt Forgiveness (Sirius is released from Azkaban early due to a clerical error; definitely a bit of angst as you’d expect from this prompt, but comfort in the end). enjoy!

Keep reading

[justtoarguewithyou]

9/26: Solitude

my contribution to the @swottypotter comfort minifest. :)

Sirius had broken out his uncle’s bottle of Old Midleton Irish whiskey. It was nearly time for a new bottle, as the refilling charm only worked so many times before whatever you were refilling tasted slightly of vinegar.

This whiskey was nothing like vinegar, though. It still tasted like vanilla, and fruit and the way the sun had shone on the golden grain the day it was harvested.

Sirius was in an artificially good mood, thanks to the whiskey. He listened to “Corcovado” for the third time in a row. The Getz/Gilberto record was one of many incredible things he had inherited from Uncle Alphard. Alphard had left him the whiskey, the records, his flat, an embarrassingly large fortune.

This record was calming. He needed it, as he was waiting for Remus to come home. Remus was overdue.

About a month before, after an interminably long and boring Order meeting, Albus had pulled Remus aside to give him his orders while Sirius was talking James and Lily into going out.

Sirius had just wanted to go out and get pissed with his friends. The Prewetts were always game for a laugh. Alice and Frank were going home to “have an early evening,” Frank had said, but they all knew what that meant. There was a lot of winking, and Fabian had teased Frank as Alice stepped into the fireplace. Frank had shot Fabian a vee, and floo’ed after her, saying Fabian was just jealous that he wasn’t getting any.

Fabian had shrugged. He certainly wasn’t.

Later, after they’d gone out, had laughed as much as they could, and were drunkenly undressing each other, Remus told Sirius that Albus had given him instructions regarding his werewolf liaison missions. He was leaving for a month, and that he was under strict instructions not to disclose any of it.

And Remus hadn’t. Not really. He told Sirius, because of course he told Sirius. Their reasoning was, if they shared everything with each other, they would know who had blabbed if it was information that only the other person was supposed to know.

“It’s a kind of insurance, isn’t it,” Sirius had said, kissing Remus, languidly, “I won’t have us ruining a perfectly good friendship and our truly spectacular sex life,” Sirius had added, divesting Remus of his sweater vest and unbuttoning his shirt another night after another interminably long Order meeting, “over a megalomaniacal You Know Who and a bunch of power-hungry, pretentious and pompous Slytherins.”

Remus had laughed at his alliteration, and then they had very intense, and incredibly sloppy…

Absolutely not thinking about that, Sirius thought, as Side B finished playing, and the arm lifted the needle off the record. He got up and turned the record over, and vocalized along to the opening bars of “The Girl from Ipanema.”

It had been their first moon apart in however many months. And for one month, Sirius had been very steadfast, and brave, and very patient. He’d run errands for the Order. He had eaten regularly (he knew Remus would get after him if he didn’t). He’d seen James and Lily, gone to Order meetings when they were called.

But he’d begun to unravel on the 31st day, and now, on the 32nd day, he’d been up since 6 a.m., and was drinking his second glass of whiskey at 10 a.m., and rifling through Uncle Alphard’s albums.

Sirius put on “Jazz at Massey Hall” for a few minutes, then let out a deep breath and put on Kate Bush’s “The Kick Inside,” but he decided he couldn’t listen to any of Remus’s albums.

He took it off and put on The Scream by Siouxie and the Banshees. He tapped along impatiently to “Pure.” But when, “Jigsaw” came on.

“This sounds like something the bartenders play when it was closing time at the pub, and they want everyone to leave immediately,” Remus had said.

Sirius had punched him playfully, and they’d kissed their way through the rest of the album and had very sloppy and incredibly intense… Sirius laughed to himself. There was no getting away from thinking about a naked Remus. It distracted him from thinking about a post-transformation Remus, who most likely needed him very much.

Sirius lay down near the stereo speakers, and thought about the several quiet conversations that he and James had had over the past several months since joining the Order. He and James were never quite sure what they thought of Albus Dumbledore. He was brilliant, yes, but there was something so very sly about him, too.

“He plays his cards very close to his chest,” James had said. “And I don’t understand the need for secrecy amongst our own.”

“I’m not sure I like it, either,” Sirius had replied.

Sirius sighed, and put on The Clash, and even broke out The Stooges for old time’s sake. Gideon had invited him to a pub that night. He needed to eat and stop drinking if he was going out later. If he was going to get through another day of waiting for Remus.

He left the flat and went to get some apples, peanut butter, the chocolate biscuits that Remus was partial to. He bought bacon and eggs and bread. He even bought a few vegetables. He remembered to get more tea for Remus: Earl Grey, jasmine, oolong, Darjeeling, Ceylon. Anything that struck Sirius’ fancy. They’d run out before Remus left. He also needed feverfew, lavender and chamomile from the apothecary.

He ran his errands, and picked up some take away he barely wanted. He went home to the (still) empty flat. He went out with Gideon.

He came home to the (still) empty flat and slept alone. He hated sleeping alone.

He waited.

The 33rd day was much like the 32nd day, except James and Lily came to feed him dinner, and he didn’t go to a pub. Instead, they finished what was left of a bottle of vodka together, and told stories, and gossiped about Order members.

“Did you know that Marlene McKinnon was seeing Dorcas Meadows?” Lily asked.

Sirius did know. “I saw them at the Moonlight Club earlier this summer, snogging while Adam Ant was onstage,” he said. “Marlene’s leather-clad swagger rivals my own. Dorcas had painted her eyes in heavy liner, and she’d teased her hair.”

Lily was absolutely chuffed.

“What about Peter and Mary MacDonald? Is Peter really interested, or do you think it’s going to be another Hestia Jones situation?”

James and Sirius just shrugged. Neither was sure they would ever understand Peter’s love life.

“I really do feel that Peter has not, might never, get over Amelia Bones…” Lily said, opening one of Remus’s chocolate bars. Sirius frowned, but said nothing. He’d get Remus more chocolate tomorrow. It would get him out of the house.

All evening, while talking with his friends, he waited. His skin crackled with the waiting.

Sirius slept alone. He hated it.

On the 34th day, Sirius finally finished the Old Midleton and went around to three liquor stores looking for a replacement. He blessed Uncle Alphard and his bank account when the shop owner rung him up for two bottles of the stuff. The shop owner had looked like Christmas had come early.

He went to Diagon Alley. He ate something. Probably.

Later, he felt very maudlin, and broke out his secret copy of The Carpenters’ The Singles 1969-1973, which he hid in the sleeve of a recording of Beethoven piano sonatas. He thought of Remus, and how they’d only just begun to live…

He fell asleep after listening to songs off at least 30 different albums.

The 35th day, he woke up, hid his Carpenters album, and went to brush his teeth. He almost choked on his toothpaste when he heard a key turn in the front door.

“Sirius?” Remus called.

Sirius practically apparated out of the bathroom, and held Remus so so close, almost as if he could hide Remus inside himself.

“Moony, Moony, Moony,” he cooed, his hands in Remus’s hair, pressing desperate kisses to his mouth, feeling Remus relax, melting against Sirius’s chest. “I’ve been so miserable without you.”