#I hate my home state so fucking much
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One of my partners and I were talking about this the other day but it is BAFFLING how Indianapolis can be in the top ten biggiest cities in America and it has barely any culture.
1) There are no big culture movements here. The closest thing we have is the drag scene starting its own Drag Theatre and I know some of the local indie rock/punk rock scenes used to be thriving.
2) No one hardly ever comes here, and if they do they go to the big venue in town. We rarely get cool music groups except for the occasional LA band that realizes they have fans in the Midwest.
3) We have two different Universities that have a surprisingly large influence in theatre and film world. But I've been doing film here for 4+ years and feel like I've hit the ceiling. There are alot of theatre opportunities here but it seems to be an allusive club to get into and alot of the really good techs and actors all eventually leave for New York or Chicago.
4) Like seriously theres nothing here. Chicago is Chicago. Louisville has street performers and Thunder. Madison, WI has its big Halloween night. My partner and I both went to Philadelphia years apart. I saw some renowned art work. He had one of the best vegan pizzas hes ever had and stumbled onto a music festival.....
.....Indianapolis has *checks notes* Steak and Jazz nights at whats essentially the bastard child of a Denny's and a gay bar.
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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using the tags to vent my current emotional state into the void bc ig story feels like a bad plan for this, don’t read them if you’re having a bad day, they’ll probably not help in the slightest.
#but jesus christ coming back home while already knee deep in a suicidal episode was an awful idea#like i was maybe on the verge of improving and then i came back to all of this family bullshit#and the place as well like it’s so. i don’t want to say isolated necessarily. but so much it’s own little bubble#and i spent the last eight or nine years i lived here depressed and the last six suicidal#and being back here feels like the actual place is telling me to die#and i don’t think it helps that every place i go i know or know of someone who successfully committed suicide#like. oh this person drowned themself here. or that person hung themself in these woods. or several people jumped off the side of this clif#like. it all feels like reminders of my failures. and it’s like. cmon. wouldn’t it be easy. all you need to do is jump. is slit your throat#is find a decent piece of rope. idk. but everything is so much and i just want it to stop and it feels like the ground itself#is giving me a way to do it.#i genuinely feel like i’m like 16 or 17 again. and everything that isn’t within these hills#feels like a haze and not actually real. like the concept of buxton doesn’t actually exist and my friends do not actually exist and nothing#actually exists except the place i’m in and my family and the pub#i think going back to work at the pub was a mistake; i think it’s making this worse. especially because it’s henry’s dad’s local#and where henry’s wake was. and nothing there has changed at all. it’s like the whole last year never happened.#and i only need to get through two more days but it feels like an impossible task and i keep thinking being back in york will fix me but id#if that even true like. i was suicidal before i left. and it’s going to be intense and stressful and then i have to leave again.#come back here and do three full weeks of this all over again. i haven’t even managed two yet this time around. and i feel like#such a failure and such a drain on my friends (and on one in particular) because it just#is so much and has been so long and everything is complicated and awful and i think if i hadn’t come back i’d be in a normal mental state#by now. that’s the worst fucking part. and also the whole thing of i know how to be suicidal here. i know how to not give a shit about#living here. i know how to do that. but ive never had to try before. like im trying to improve and im trying to hold on and hold off the#urges to kill myself or self harm or whatever because i said i would and because i KNOW it can be better than this and bc i love my friends#and they love me and i don’t want to upset them or make them anxious or anything like that and kat made me promise to try and im trying so#fucking hard and it feels like it’s not even worth the effort because it’s so much effort and everything is so overwhelming and awful and i#hate the way my family interacts and i just want everything to stop and idc if suicide is the cowards way out or selfish or whatever#bullshit people say it feels like the only option i can actually withstand because everything is so much pain and so much effort and so muc#everything and i can’t deal with it anymore. and also i forgot just how much i have to fucking mask in front of my parents and especially m#father and it’s so exhausting and i can’t sleep and there’s so much yelling and i just need it all to stop#i’ve had major breakdowns the last 3 nights about wanting to die so much & trying so hard to not let myself & idk how much longer i can tak
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wow I hate everything abt the world
#this is about everything and nothing in particular. just one of those fucking days#I hate that there’s a fucking genocide and that joe fucking biden is going to lose this fucking election bc he’s fucking aiding and abetting#I hate that republicans are actively voting to make raped children give birth and that Trump is going to be fucking reelected#and that will be fucking national policy#I hate that some (white) bitches like to get up on their high horses abt how sexism isn’t a big problem for white women bc woc have always#had it worse#this is objectively true but it is also ok to acknowledge that white women have also been seen as property for hundreds of years#and have been blamed for being raped and forced to marry their rapists and been institutionalized bc their husbands said so#and have had no economic power and have been reliant on men for literally fucking everything until Extremely recently#YES this is all magnified for woc but it is so performative for white women to write screeds like this#on a fucking goodreads review (hypothetically speaking)#wow! I am angry about everything!!!#normally I can keep it in check but tonight it just one of those nights when I cannot. and here we are#also on a much more micro level! I hate that my dog was bitten by another dog and now is hurt and scared of other dogs!#and we can’t do almost anything to help her!#and I hate that all I wanted for dinner was pizza from my favorite spot in my hometown but that is 800 miles away#and I hate that I would love to be near family again but they live in a red state that is actively trying to overturn the will of its voters#and I hate that my husband wants to move back to his home state which is even redder#and I’d have to leave my job that I love and move to a state with much more existentially terrifying policy#and I love working for the state government but I sure as hell wouldn’t want to work for THAT state’s government#it’s just all bad I’m so pissed
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work anxiety starting before work itself hahahahaahahahahahahhhaha
#IM BAKCIJ THE FUCKIGN BUIDLIGN .AGAIN. AUSUSUXHEHWHGLHKF#im grateful i have an internship for this summer with the way the job market is like currently.#im grateful that i have the opportunity to lessen the burden on my parents shoulders. im grateful that this job can pay rent and groceries#and tuition for a few terms im grateful i get to gain experience while still in school that will hekp me in the future#IM GRATEFUL FOR ALL THIS!!!!! BUT STILL I FUCLING HATE EVERYTHJGN#i hate being unable to eat anything ir sleep at night bc all i can think about is shit i have work tomorrow i have to email this guy and#finish these tasks and impress my manager and be approachable and enthusiastic and eager to learn and not make any mistakes#and not fail anything bc im getting graded on this its alwags grades its always the fucking grades#isnt it. it was the grades that had me crying on walks home from school when i was 9 and it was grades that made me waste away 9th grade#it was grades that made me unable to stomach anything during weeks with tests and it was and is still grades that#dictate every single fucking part of my life#and even tho the ppl who used to yell at me for getting a B in math in 5th grade are no longer yelling at me for getting 60s in linear algeb#ra and stats and calculus and cs#haha.ha when ur university is famous for its.. horribly high suicdie rates#i find that the yelling comes from me now. ive replaced the adults who would sit beside me at the dinner table#yelling bc yea guess what 8 year old me didnt understand division at first#god i hate this school so much. i hate what im studying im gratefula nd am so privileged to be ahle to further my educarion and receive#all these experiences mot everyone can have but god everytime i return to the city where the school is#i feel like throwing up and sobbing and just never ipening my eyes again#haha yea. i hope i csn get a job to support myself in the future#i hope i can still have time for hobbies#why si everyone at school so good at everything#ive met more people who have passed their rcm 10 and arct exams for piano than those who havent#i have classes with people who have already published research papers with professors in the states#my classmates can breeze through a cs assignment while still playing fir varisty teams. working out everyday. goijg ti parties.#eating and cooking balsnced meals each week. having a social life..the whole combo#meanwhile i get overwhelmed because i have to respond to an email and finish an assignment in one day#how do i become like them#why was this about work anxiety at first and why is it about the eternal imposter syndrome and lack of self confidence#i just want money man... i dont give a shit about snything anymore
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Well glad to know I'm not the only one not feeling the Christmas season this year. Mom isnt either
Now we dont know why, but here are my guesses. Feel free to place your bets.
Is it:
Bc our aunt/great-aunt died and essentially dissolved the family
|_> Bc of this we've faced so much bullshit from the surviving family we have left.
Bc the only remaining family we have are major assholes aside from like 4 people.
Long covid?
Work stress/ working under a tyrant piece of shit.
Bc I'm an adult now so the *magic* is gone?
All of the above??
#marquilla#we still havent made cookies and are like i want the cookies but i dont want to make the cookies...#so we agreed we can do it after christmas if need be#i really think it's all of that combined. like my g-aunt dying really tore this family apart. we weren't like close close before but i mean#everyone started taking sides (the executors (my mom) vs my cousins. like listen you motherfuckers she left you [insert number bc i also#got this amount and am not disclosing]. you little freaks need to get over the fact that she loved me as much as if not more than you.#maybe bc i wasn't a fucking entitled brat and was always a polite well behaved child (for her) and didnt take my mommy/daddy issues out on#her. you already got: 2 free cars. 3 fully paid for weddings. 4 college degrees (one that you're not even using bc you havent worked since#college bc you became a tradwife. (not dissing stay at home moms im dissing her making college a BIG DEAL for her and then just#essentially saying haha thanks for the 100k in tuition but no ❤). COUNTLESS hours and money poured#into your lives from her and our g-uncle. amongst the 4 of you. (only 1 is not a brat but thats bc they pretend she doesnt exist bc shes#annoying and autistic so a drain on them they were ever so happy to dump on their dad)#you aren't entitled to any of that. that was a GIFT. your inheritance was well thought out. it is an insult for you to suggest otherwise#anyway so theyre being whiny brats and oh boo hoo you exects are SO MEAN to poor Ally who didnt sign the fucking will and thus held up#$50k FROM A CHURCH. and my uncle (not their dad. their moms brother) is taking their side. his wife is a massive piece of shit ab it too.#dont know whose side dog cousin is on bc shes close to my mom but very close to them. and i know lesbian cousin is on moms side to some#degree. and idgaf what Murderer cousin thinks bc that bitch can and will rot in hell.#so anyway any one we could possibly spend time with this season is either dead or hates us. or lives states away and won't be in til after#and only for a day anyway. and we just dont have the fucking energy to deal with anything
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I’m going to shoot the next person who tells me “oh I’m sorry” after I say I’m from Texas
#I love my home state I love our culture I love our people I love our aesthetic it’s my home#and you yankee fucks will never fucking understand what it’s like to live in a state you love that hates you so goddamn much#I’d spend my entire life in Texas if I could but it’s dangerous for me and that is fucking heartbreaking for me#joanna speaks
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cried for twenty minutes in front of the stove waiting for my grilled cheese to cook except i didn't add enough butter and it turned out so mid i could sob again, honestly
#ngl between shitty dating and half of my friends not even trying to make an effort to see me#i'm in such a horrible state right now. i feel so alone again#i used to think that i deserved to be lonely when i was younger because i was kind of a dick very often#and it turns out trying to be kind and vulnerable and honest with other people is just worse#i feel now that i'm constantly begging for company when people used to beg for MINE#like do people really hate themselves so much they only want to be with people who don't care for them#also terrified because i'm moving in august and it'll just be this same bs again or worse#i just want to go home where i feel safe and loved tbh i'm tired of this bullshit#my family was right nobody will ever love me as much as they do. it's actually so fucking sad
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#i live in hell#im barely climbing out of the hole of a major depressive episode that i barely made out of alive#and i agree that for my own sanity it was a good call that i not move away from here as soon as i had planned#but i have been lowkey harassed twice while shopping for groceries entirely unprovoked#and some dude decided to preach at my work just now for over an hour with like prayers and everything#and that's just within the past 5 days#i felt so uncomfortable#evangelist christians really have no clue they could be sending someone hurrying home as fast as possible#because my religious trauma is so fucking deep and i really wish my manager had kicked the asshole out because#THAT PLACE IS PUBLIC. NOT EVERYONE IN THIS FUCKING STATE BELIEVES THE SAME SHIT.#I WAS HOLDING BACK A PANIC ATTACK UNTIL I FINALLY JUST GRABBED MY SHIT AND LEFT AND KRPT MY EYES DOWN SO I WOULDN'T GET CORNERED#and i had already spent half my night waking myself up having mini panics too#and other bullshit that im really too frustrated about to repeat today#i hate utah#i hate it here so much 😭#im terrified#i wanna be openly queer so bad but if strangers are feeling free to see anything questionable about me#and think it's fine to be outright assholes then i really don't want to imagine the danger i would be in if i were out#i don't have my therapy appointment until wednesday and i already hate that im gonna have to dump all this too#please someone just take me to whatever queer utopian island alternate universe there is i need a break
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Me having the beginning of a good day: :)
My brain: Remember how your cat died on your bed and you definitely wont get a new one
Me: Oh :/
#j.p speaks#vent#not fandom related#kinda hate being alive now idk#i cant say my cat was the only thing i loved but like..it was close#just feels like nothing really matters anymore#i hate being home so much cuz everytime i walk in im reminded shes not there and it fucking sucks.#idk why my mental state banked so hard on a cat
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mentally ill bitches will live in an extremely toxic environment and then be surprised when the mental illness flares up when they get home lmao
#its me im bitches 🙃#i got to spend a day out at my gparents house bc theyre out of state and it was just#quiet#and i could exist without being in fight or flight constantly#the cats were happy to run around w/o worrying abt the dog#and as soon as we started driving home i just started breaking down and having a major panic attack lol#every noise every movement every time im aware of other ppl in this house i wanna claw and bite and kick and scream#i hate it here i feel like im drowning#every time i so much as breathe i get judged and criticized and belittled#i want to leave so fucking badly#i want to live in that little empty house where nobody can hate me#im so tired#i just want to rest#vent post#ig#sigh
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This song is so deep.
“Take me out to the ball game “ take me away for wherever I’m at, I don’t care, j wanna escape
“Take me out with the crowd” I just wanna be social I just wanna be around people
“Buy me some peanuts and cracker Jacks” take care of me so I don’t have to
“I don’t care if I never get back” I’m not excited about anything I’ll be returning to
“And it’s root, root , root for the home team!” American propaganda. Also it’s Root for Me to get a dub
“If they don’t win it’s a shame” If I make a wrong choice it’s a shameee
“For it’s one, two, three strikes you’re out at the olddddd balllll gaaaaaaaaaaaaaame!!!!!” =Life
#I DONT CARE#lyric posting#blog post#I don’t care I Luv it I luv it I crashed my car into a bridge I wish I let it burn#when I heard THAG song as a kid I truly lost my fuckigg mind JT reosnsted#Yes icona pop#And that song my friends are in the bathroom getting higher than the Empire State#I just remember looking out the window as my mom drove me around w that song playing feeling emo as fuck I think I started crying about a#puppy we adopted from camp hiho for 3 days I started crying Bc we had to give it back and how was it supposed to know it was just being#moved around How come KT wasn’t allowed a permanent home and my mom looked at me in the rear view mirror#to see me crying in her passenger seat and I remember her being so incredouskt and asking why do you even care i thought u hates RHAT dog u#never paid attention to it#and I remmeber thinkjng#I cared so much I can’t believe my own mom didn’t know that#I still remember that dogs fur#and that it poooped in the living room and had fleas#and I cleaned up the poop and didn’t tell anyone and watched cartoons on the big tv on the pleather couchy chair#and the dog didn’t like to go swimming at the pool but I wanted to see a dog swim so I kept encouraging it to try but it was a puppy and#scared#See take me out to the ball game is so deep
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Should have taken today off too.
Someone come finish boxing up all my crap.
#personal#moving#goodbye New York#I hate my home town#is it pop punk sad#or#country music love#gonna die in a state I never wanted to return too#NYC was fun#small town living#also fuck my in laws#I hate them so much
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I hate this so much
#just need to vent#but college sucks. so much.#I’m out of state and know nobody and don’t care about most of my classes#everyone talks to be about how these are the best years of my life!! enjoy them!!#the longer I spend here the more I hate it#nothing here is like at home. the food is horrible and I’m not eating because of it#no car so I can’t go anywhere#dead campus so I can’t do anything#I’m not a people person so I’m okay not spending loads of time with people but everyone at home keeps badgering me about it#I don’t feel safe even in my dorm room#just. the whole thing sucks#but if I say that to anyone at home I’m not giving it a fair chance and it takes time to adjust and so on#I’ve given it a month and it’s only gotten worse#people also keep giving me the ‘if you hate it so much why did you choose to go there’#I didn’t!!!#I only got into two schools with my major. one was stupidly expensive and there was no way I could afford and the other gave me a schola#*scholarship#s’not really a choice is it? it didn’t feel like one#I’m giving up what feels like everything to study zoology#and I don’t understand why I have to which makes all of it so much worse#why the fuck should I have to deal with all of this for the one career I want? why does everything have to be so hard?#it might not be so bad if I could complain. but I can’t so I’ve been bottling it up for a month straight :)#I just want to to be over#max attack
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Had to block my bfs number for the day bc he texted something mildly annoying and it sent me into a rage. I love being mentally unstable.
#🌱.txt#I was at work and he sent me a video of him out with friends and I said something like “too bad you’re at work” and it made me so angry#sent me straight into a split#like why tf would he say that why does he always go out without me and then act like he misses me#I’m at work trying not to kill myself and he’s out drinking at the lake with all our mutual friends#and with the state I’ve been in recently it’s too much for me#I have to go home to our apartment and I know he’s gonna ask me why I blocked him and I don’t need that#I hate feeling like this#like legitimately hating my boyfriend bc of something stupid like this#I hate splitting on people it makes me even more suicidal than I already am#FUCK#vent
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Listening to stories of people who survived situations like being trapped in collapsed buildings and it kinda sounds like the human response to being trapped in a bad situation is to just keep going back to sleep until death comes. Thinking about depressive avoidant sleeping. Brain doesn't know you aren't trapped under rubble it can't see out of his bone prison brain just knows everything is bad and everything hurts and we can't handle this stress we need to divert all power to life support, night night.
#is that a horrible comparison to make? yeah probably in poor taste given the state of things#do I earnestly believe I am in as traumatic a situation as that? I think my brain is reacting the same way yeah. genuinely.#I think my brain has been in survial mode or death incoming mode for like. since middle school#I think I hit puberty and my brain decided we are dying slowly and painfully and has been reacting accordingly.#I think this year it got much worse tho I think this is when I hit the critical level because this is when I have been sleeping more#I hate that house and my roommates so much that I just sleep whenever I'm there. i don't eat much at home#I try not to drink much so that i don't have to use the bathroom as much and that also minimizes my kitchen trips.... I collect 2 litres of#water each morning. one for me one for my cat. his fountain stays full and I ration my water for myself and on the 4 nights a week I work#I will refill it at work. I am mostly trying to be unseen unheard in that house. Of course the dogs always hear me which is why I am so#careful. I only pass through that house twice a day: once in the morning and once in the evening. Coming and going.#on my days off that means only 2 bathroom trips per 24 hours but you know fucking what I still get bitten by a dog every time.#and wish I had just pissed in a bottle or something because they are jumping on me they are biting me there are tears in my eyes I am biting#my tongue because if I shout or tell them to stop their owner comes and yells at them. And they don't give a shit about being yelled at!!#but me??? Bleeding and anxious and trying not to piss myself?? I don't handle being yelled at well!! even if it isn't directed at me!!#I have RSD!! I used to cry in school when a teacher was chewing out SOMEONE ELSE !! and being SHOUTED genuinely at????#i am not coping well!! i do not feel safe in this house!!! between the actually getting bitten and the yelling!!!#and the yelling is nonstop because these women have issues with each other. bro I'm so fucking glad my dad moved out when he started having#Marital Issues bcos I think I'd have like 85% more childhood trauma if I had to listen to them fighting like this as a kid#shit I'm getting adulthood trauma from these women fighting. oh my god. angie dump your girlfriend for christ sake#and sTOP MOTHERING ME. I MOVED HERE TO GET AWAY FROM MY MOM AND THIS WOMAN IS WORSE THAN MY MOTHER ABOUT THE FUCKING MOTHERING.#Stop telling me what to wear!! Stop telling me what to eat!! Stop asking if I'm seeing anyone!!#this is my own fault I put myself in this situation and I am trying to claw my way back out but it isn't as easy as it was to get in ;-;#I hate myself I hate the decisions I made that got me here
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