#I hate being responsible
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been trying not to become an alcoholic/my father and god its so unsatisfyingggggg
got the urge to get drunk/high, asked myself why. answer: dissatified with current activity/bored of stardew valley. don't want to do any of my other creative activities, but have been upset that my kitchen is messy so I should go clean.
that is a responsible behavior and good to do. I will go do it. but auuuuuughhhhhh I would rather explode myself with a surgically implanted bomb
#blah blah blah#i hate being responsible#this does not give me any fuckin brain chemicals right away what a scam
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taught my 6 year old sister the H-O-T-T-O-G-O and she tried to teach it to her kindergarten teacherššš girl you can not go around repeating everything we do/say at home everywhere you go I thought we went through that
#one time she sang vampire by olivia rodrigo in a grocery store#the price of growing up as the youngest child with at least a 7 year age gap with all her siblings#like man i cuss constantly and it wasn't that much of a problem until like a few months ago#because if my 12 yo sister goes around saying āfuckā and āshitā that's fine imo#IF MY 5 YEAR OLD (at the time) SISTER DOES THAT ON THE OTHER HAND#girl also has an awful sleep schedule#she goes to sleep waaaaay too late for her age#worst of all she looks up to me so much#which makes a lot of sense as i'm her older sister#but i'm not a good role model. i don't know how to life.#i also don't like dealing with children and she's only an exception sometimes#i hate being responsible#especially for anyone who isn't me#ughhhhhhh when will the day i stop typing ; instead of ' come
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I wanna smoke but I have to go to work tomorrow š¢š¢š¢
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I swear, this year, that old man is going to pick my pockets without having to even touch me.
#stan pines#stanley pines#post about stan#grunkle stan#hunkle stan#all the merchandise i need#this is some bullshit#i just want to make this wall bigger#i hate being responsible#bah
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being an adult is so lame i used black friday to buy new glasses (it was an amazing deal and i got 4 pairs for under $200), an annual wax pass, and wax melts as a treat
#iām not even 30 i should be in the club#i hate being RESPONSIBLE#on the bright side i also knocked out most of my christmas shopping so i can chill all next month
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Weekend went by too quickly...
I hate being up in the morning, I think that's really the problem. I hate having to wake up early and be drowsy for several hours as my mind and body get into sync with one another.
I won't be done until 3:30 today. Damn I complain a lot. Complaining is the only thing I have going for me. When I stop complaining I know that things are really bad, because that means I've given up.
I could play sick. I haven't played sick yet this school year, which isn't saying much as it's barely November. But I don't need to. I'm awake, I can take it sorta slow still. Take a shower, maybe help me wake up.
But now that I mention it, I do feel sick... That's probably my mind playing tricks on me. I could SO call off. It's early enough. I could even ask to just do it tomorrow. The longer I debate, the less likely it is I do it. I'm convincing myself to call off work right now...
No, I'll feel better when I get there. I'll take a hot shower and try to psych myself up for the day...
#personal#public private journal#i hate being responsible#i just want to call off work#i don't want anyone to have to depend upon me for anything
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it's so over this SUCKS
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Dangit, I canāt finish good omens because I have a job!! š«š«
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iām being so brave (<- has to go to bed at a reasonable time so canāt stay up for the spiderbit wedding)
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this is basically what happened, right?
(these guys are very lucky that everyone at NRC 1) has the combined intelligence of a sack of bricks, and 2) is easily distracted by shiny things.)
#art#twisted wonderland#twisted wonderland spoilers#stage in playful land#stage in playfulland#these two are SO sleazy and i am utterly delighted by them#can't wait to find out their tragic backstory in approximately 3-4 weeks!#fortunately i have like a month to figure out how the heck to draw their hair (spoiler: i will never figure it out)#also. god. i love it whenever leona accidentally reveals his Mom Side.#he doesn't care about any of this but he WILL be tagging along to make sure no one else gets into trouble#once again he has to be the Responsible Adult and he hates it. the whimsical hat weighs heavy upon his head.#anyway this is me so excuse me while i now talk about diasomnia for three hours#but lilia being all 'kids gotta have some adventure in their lives!' is hilarious#specifically because you know silver would NEVER.#100% silver not only never snuck out but he always went to bed on time AND brushed his teeth AND flossed even when nobody made him.#lilia: aww but you should be enjoying your youth! >:c#silver: i am. i enjoy being respectful and disciplined and honoring you as my father.#lilia:#lilia: maybe i'm TOO good at raising kids#you know i was going to say none of his kids would be involved in this but i actually think malleus definitely would#he would not see it as a moral quandry though. he would just be excited to be invited along.#(the only reason he isn't there is because he was busy admiring a termite-infested beam somewhere and yuu didn't get a chance to ask him)#i mean MAYBE if lilia as his single authority figure told him no then he would have some reservations#but lilia's the one who's screaming HELL YEAH LET'S SNEAK OUT AND DEFY AUTHORITY while dabbing so moot point there#sebek would never and he would rat on everyone else. unless malleus is going in which case he's already there.#and i guess if everyone else is going silver probably would too#but he'd. y'know. feel conflicted about it.
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Happy Halloween! š§¼š„©š
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#mouthwashing#lan wangji#wei wuxian#A mouthwashing crossover was always the plan but I ran out of time for a bigger comic. So a doodle it is!#***I am about to talk about some stuff that is not for the squeamish so please take caution from here on out***:#Okay. I know that people who know what goes down in mouthwashing are seeing this and going 'OP Why?'#BUT HERE ME OUT: Wangxian's canon kink dynamic would not bat an eye at this.#You think Wei 'I love being tied up and at the mercy of my loved one' Wuxian would *pass* on amputee-caregiver abuse roleplay???#No! He's a freak like that! 'Oh nooo I have only residual limbs and no voice to protest. And I need to take my medicine...'#Oh we even have a bonus cannibalism thing going on here. Maybe WWX needs to bring cannibalism into the bedroom. To heal.#They are not sane nor safe but certainly consensual.#Convincing Lan Wangji to get into the Jimmy cosplay is probably the most unrealistic part of this.#We hate Jimmy. That's why he is such an amazing character.#LWJ is his near polar opposite. Man takes responsibility like it's his daily vitamin.#edit: how could I forget. Happy birthday to wei wuxian. Being a freak in peace is the ultimate gift I can give him.
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Looks to see how much the Devil Nezha WFās trade is. Sees itās $1.99 on Kindle. Think awesome, I wonder if the singles are this cheap. Sees theyāre $2 more. Im confused by the pricing of things.
#worldās finest#devil nezha#I was looking to see if I could find a non-hardback version#but why is less pages more expensive? this is just making me more worried about how comics are picked on to be continued#but I was happy/sad to see Taiās GL books were much cheaper than I thought#I hate being responsible
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Bouncing off all of the fanfics where the Dead Boys are brought back to life again for a period of time to suggest that their thoughts on it are the opposite of what youād anticipate based on their perception of the living while theyāre ghosts. Charles sorely misses living while a ghost, despite all the awful, awful things he was subjected to. Edwin, despite 70+ years in Hell, is perfectly content as a ghost and finds the living distasteful to a degree.
But, when they get hit by an āalivingā spell, thatās not how it goes down at all.
Edwin has not been in a human body for over a century- and even then only got sixteen years of it- so he forgets how much he was missing as a ghost. Actually being able to feel things- the warmth of human touch, the breeze through his hair, the texture of worn book pages. The smell of petrichor after rain, a warm cup of sweet tea. Even just sleeping and having the ability to give his overactive mind a break. Heās forgotten how many good things there were about being alive.
Charles, as expected, is thrilled to be alive again and his first few days on solid ground are a whirlwind, but his energy is short lived. He frequently sleeps over 12 hours a night, and canāt bring himself to get out from under the covers for another hour longer. His appetite fades quickly, and he finds that foods heās been craving for 35 years just donāt taste the same. Initially he chalks it up to his mind and body readjusting to human life (despite Edwin having none of the same issues), and continues enjoying what he can. But eventually, it becomes clear that something is very very wrong. His right arm that he shattered at age 14 (and didnāt get properly treated for days) begins to ache again. Sudden touches are no longer a gentle spectral sensation, but an unexpected pressure that he shrinks away from. His body feels heavy, and his energy drains quickly if he has any to begin with.
It turns out that over three decades of repressed physical and emotional trauma took its toll on him, and he had naĆÆvely forgotten-or perhaps willfully omitted- the struggle that was his life when he wasnāt out kissing girls and pretending like his father didnāt exist.
Edwin feels a sense of freedom in being human again, away from all the supernatural trauma he has endured, while for Charles it is more of a burden than he ever recalled it being.
#just the idea of Charles āi hate being deadā Rowland being just as miserable when heās brought back to life#and also thoughts on how depression can fuck with your body#even when your mind isnāt aware of how much the rest of you is struggling to keep up with the responsibilities of life#but also Edwin rediscovering his love for life once he can experience it with people who care about him#ugh these two have me ill#payneland#dead boy detectives#dbda#save dbda#save dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#dbda au#dead boy detectives au#fanfic#kinda#jessās thoughts
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Wilbur: Who's the lucky- who's the lucky lady, who's Missa, what's she like?
Phil: It's a dude. *laughs*
Wilbur: Phil, you didn't tell me you were bi, and also polyamorous.
Phil: Definitely not.
Wilbur: What does Kri- what does Kristin think of your- of your... husband?
Phil: SHE'S NOT CANON IN THIS UNIVERSE! And we- and it's not like that, it's not like that- it's uh, we're- it's platonic, we're just dude's hanging out protecting an egg-
Wilbur: Who's the top?
Phil:
#Philza#Wilbur#Wilbur Soot#QSMP#You know what. I take it back I'm glad I missed stream#because if I'd seen this live I don't think I could legally be held responsible for the atrocities I'd commit against Wilbur Soot#for making me hear this#No full transcript because I cannot physically handle listening to wilbur say this more than once#''I see you as a bottom Phil'' I HATE HIM I HATE HIM I HATE HIM#Wilbur's next stream title is going to say ''I am being hunted for sport''#Chayanne truly does have the spirit of Techno because he sword critted Wilbur 3 seconds after he said that
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one of the things that i think we should pay attention to, socially, about the disney v. desantis thing is that it is really highlighting the importance of remembering nuance.
in a purely neutral sense, if you engage in something problematic, that does not mean you are necessarily agreeing with what makes it problematic. and i am worried that we have become... so afraid of any form of nuance.
disney isn't my friend, they're a corporate monopoly that bastardized copyright laws for their own benefit, ruin the environment, and abuse their workers (... and many other things). this isn't a hypothetical for me - i grew up in florida. i also worked for the actual Walt Disney World; like, in the parks. i am keenly aware of the ways they hurt people, because they hurt me. i fully believe that part of the reason florida is so conservative is because it's been an "open secret" for years now that disney lobbies the government to keep minimum wage down, and i know they worked hard to keep the parks unmasked and open during the worst parts of Covid. they purposefully keep their employees in poverty. they are in part responsible for the way the floridian government works.
desantis is still, by a margin that is frankly daunting, way worse. the alternative here isn't just "republicans win", it's actual fascism.
in a case like this, where the alternative is to allow actual fascism into united states legislation - where, if desantis wins, there are huge and legal ramifications - it's tempting to minimize the harm disney is also doing, because... well, it's not fascism. but disney isn't the good guy, either, which means republicans are having a field day asking activists oh, so you think their treatment of their employees is okay?
we have been trained there is a right answer. you're right! you're in the good group, and you're winning at having an opinion.
except i have the Internet Prophecy that in 2-3 months, even left-wing people will be ripping apart activists for having "taken disney's side". aren't i an anti-capitalist? aren't i pro-union? aren't i one of the good ones? removed from context and nuance (that in this particular situation i am forced to side with disney, until an other option reveals itself), my act of being like "i hope they have goofy rip his throat out onstage, shaking his lifeless body like a dog toy" - how quickly does that seem like i actually do support disney?
and what about you! at home, reading this. are you experiencing the Thought Crime of... actually liking some of the things disney has made? your memories of days at the parks, or of good movies, or of your favorite show growing up. maybe you are also evil, if you ever enjoyed anything, ever, at all.
to some degree, the binary idealization/vilification of individual motive and meaning already exists in the desantis case. i have seen people saying not to go to the disney pride events because they're cash grabs (they are). i've seen people saying you have to go because they're a way to protest. there isn't a lot of internet understanding of nuance. instead it's just "good show of support" or "evil bootlicking."
this binary understanding is how you can become radicalized. when we fear nuance and disorder, we're allowing ourselves the safety of assuming that the world must exist in binary - good or bad, problematic or "not" problematic. and unfortunately, bigots want you to see the world in this binary ideal. they want you to get mad at me because "disney is taking a risk for our community but you won't sing their praises" and they want me to get mad at you for not respecting the legit personal trauma that disney forced me through.
in a grander scheme outside of disney: what happens is a horrific splintering within activist groups. we bicker with each other about minimal-harm minimal-impact ideologies, like which depiction of bisexuality is the most-true. we gratuitously analyze the personal lives of activists for any sign they might be "problematic". we get spooked because someone was in a dog collar at pride. we wring our hands about setting an empty shopping mall on fire. we tell each other what words we may identify ourselves by. we get fuckin steven universe disk horse when in reality it is a waste of our collective time.
the bigots want you to spend all your time focusing on how pristine and pretty you and your interests are. they want us at each other's throats instead of hand in hand. they want to say see? nothing is ever fucking good enough for these people.
and they want their followers to think in binary as well - a binary that's much easier to follow. see, in our spaces, we attack each other over "proper" behavior. but in bigoted groups? they attack outwards. they have someone they hate, and it is us. they hate you, specifically, and you are why they have problems - not the other people in their group. and that's a part of how they fucking keep winning.
some of the things that are beloved to you have a backbone in something terrible. the music industry is a wasteland. the publishing industry is a bastion of white supremacy. video games run off of unpaid labor and abuse.
the point of activism was always to bring to light that abuse and try to stop it from happening, not to condemn those who engage in the content that comes from those industries. "there is no ethical consumption under late capitalism" also applies to media. your childhood (and maybe current!) love of the little mermaid isn't something you should now flinch from, worried you'll be a "disney adult". wanting the music industry to change for the better does not require that you reject all popular music until that change occurs. you can acknowledge the harm something might cause - and celebrate the love that it has brought into your life.
we must detach an acknowledgment of nuance from a sense of shame and disgust. we must. punishing individual people for their harmless passions is not doing good work. encouraging more thoughtful, empathetic consumption does not mean people should feel ashamed of their basic human capacities and desires. it should never have even been about the individual when the corporation is so obviously the actual evil. this sense that we must live in shame and dread of our personal nuances - it just makes people bitter and hopeless. do you have any idea how scared i am to post this? to just acknowledge the idea of nuance? that i might like something nuanced, and engage in it joyfully? and, at the same time, that i'm brutally aware of the harm that they're doing?
"so what do i do?" ... well, often there isn't a right answer. i mean in this case, i hope mickey chops off ron's head and then does a little giggle. but truth be told, often our opinions on nuanced subjects will differ. you might be able to engage in things that i can't because the nuance doesn't sit right with me. i might think taylor swift is a great performer and a lot of fun, and you might be like "raquel, the jet fuel emissions". we are both correct; neither of us have any actual sway in this. and i think it's important to remember that - the actual scope of individual responsibility. like, i also love going to the parks. Thunder Mountain is so fun. you (just a person) are not responsible for the harm that Disney (the billion dollar corporation) caused me. i don't know. i think it's possible to both enjoy your memories and interrogate the current state of their employment policies.
there is no right way to interrogate or engage with nuance - i just hope you embrace it readily.
#does this make sense#to do be deleted probably yikes#(takes a swing at a wasp's nest)#like i think ppl have started to just be really quiet when they like something 'problematic'#and im like... u can be like -#girl tswift NEEDS to just TAKE A BUS . LIKE?????????????????????#while also being like.#''she's a lot of fun''#if ur personal policy is that u don't support her for that reason that's great#but it's like. eating meat???#like yeah some people won't bc the environment. but the fact i eat meat doesn't mean i hate the earth#like i can say that i think the meat industry is HORRIFIC and also downright cruel to its employees#but like. still enjoy a chicken nugget....#there are people who choose otherwise. it's okay . we are people. i make like no money. u probably don't either#us fighting about whether or not it's Right To Eat The Chicken Tender just distracts from like.#actually turning your ire on the corporation#i hope it's clear what i'm saying here is like. when we fight each other for Purity Reasons#we are just doing the work of corporations . for free. like they WANT us to be doing this lol#it's the fucking DREAM of the upperclass that now ALL forms of responsibility fall on the individual
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I understand Garp, I truly do. But personally if my grandson were about to be executed just for existing after years of asking himself if he deserves to live, idk, I think I would've gone on a fucking rampage and had killed everybody
#i understand garp but i understand garp haters#and then luffy blamed himself for what happened like no baby the one who should've protected you didn't#don't come at me saying he was too deep in the marines and he was being cautious and responsible#'he literally told them to hold him back or else he'd kill everyone' i know i watched it#i'm just saying that i would've liked it if he had tried to kill somebody idk#no hate to garp but also yes hate to garp it depends on the day and how sad i am about ace at the time#one piece#monkey d. garp#portgas d. ace
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