#I had to stay home alone because my mom made an appointment

[jewishbarbies]

my birthday is coming up and I’m just getting depressed the more I think about it because my parents were always conveniently out of money when my birthday came around as a kid, even though they’d always suddenly have money again when it was my older sister’s birthday in september, and the (1) time I got to do something for my birthday (going to an aquarium down the coast) my parents were stressing about money the whole time and guilt tripping me as if I made them take me when it was their idea. and we’re in a tough spot financially right now so I didn’t plan anything and I don’t expect to do much because we don’t live in an area with stuff to do (there’s a bowling alley in the next town over and that’s truly it), and it just makes me sad that it’s still like this. I put so much thought and heart into everyone else’s birthdays and when it gets to mine it feels like I’m just an afterthought. like nothing happens unless I plan it myself. but I feel like if I talk about this frustration it’ll just sound selfish somehow or just be taken that way so I don’t bother.

[pears-trinkets]

.

[slasher-key]

Stay With Me (Charlie Walker)

Pairing: Charlie Walker x Fem!! Reader 

Warnings: The usual curse word here and there

This is a lil enemies to lover for you. I hope you enjoy thanks for reading ❤️❤️I really appreciate it.

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I never really liked Charlie Walker. When I first moved to Woodsboro he would tease and taunt me until I broke, all so he could impress his friends. He spread a rumor about how I gave it up to him at some party once, and everyone would call me these horrible names. That was my breaking point, that was the first time I stood up for myself for once, and the first time I ever punched someone in the face. Since that day we have been at each other’s throats.

Our hatred for each other was so bad I couldn’t even go to Cinema Club, and I fucking love movies. But I already have to see him in two of my classes and lunch, so why would I want to be around him after school as well. Kirby tried to convince me to come but I couldn’t stand it. So now I just go home and watch TV alone. Since my grandma is working at the hospital all the time. I’m home alone a lot.

I am sitting in my last class of the day impatiently waiting for the bell to ring. I zone out looking at the clock when I feel a tap on my arm. I already knew who it was because he does it every day. “You coming to Cinema Club today? you know it’s the anniversary.” He says “First off why are you talking to me like we are friends? And second why would I want to celebrate a bunch of teenagers getting murdered?” I reply, a disgusted look plastered on my face “You’re so fucking weird, you know that.” I continue, packing up my things and walking out of the room as the bell rings. But as you walk out of the room you can’t help but notice the slight frown on Charlie’s face. 

On my way to the cemetery I pick up some flowers to put on my mom’s grave it is the anniversary of her death after all. My grandma was gonna come but she got called into work at the last minute so It’s just me. My mom was apart of the original Woodsboro murders. She was killed in our house alone, while my grandma took me to my doctors appointment I was only four when she died. She had me her freshman year after a ‘drunken mistake’ (as my grandma calls it) at her first high school party. She didn’t really know how to raise a child so my grandma did most of it for her, but I don’t love her any less. My grandma tells me lots of stories about her, and how she tried her best for me. I never knew my dad, so I would try to get my grandma to talk about him. But she wouldn’t let up, so after a while I gave up.  

I made it to the cemetery, and found her grave. I sat and talked to her for a little, and cleaned up her grave as well. In the middle of my sentence I pause, as I hear someone walking toward me. I look back and it’s Sidney, I stand up quick and face her. We stand in silence for a while, just staring at each other. “You look just like her.” She says breaking the silence “Yeah I get that a lot.” I reply. I sit in the spot that I was in before, and she walks over and sits next to me. I met Sidney a couple time as a kid, her and my mom were friends all through high school until you know what. I didn’t see her much after my grandma moved us out of Woodsboro, she also moved as well, so it’s been a couple years. 

“I just wish I got more time with her.” I whisper, my voice breaks, and I break down in Sid’s arms. “I know, it’s going to be okay.” She replies holding me tightly in her arms. Sid and I stay at the cemetery and just talk. Everything is going well with our conversation until I bring up my dad. “Hey Sid, do you know who my dad is? My grandma has never told me, and my mom doesn’t seem to have any pictures or anything of him or with him.” I ask, maybe this was the only way I could finally know about my dad, so I was going to try. “I don’t think that’s my place to tell you, but I will say they kept him away from you for a reason sweetheart.” she replies. After she answers she quickly changes the subject to something else. we talk for about another 15 minutes then go our separate ways. The whole drive home I can’t stop thinking about what Sid said about my dad. 

I make it back to the house and walk up to the front door. “Hey y/n, wait.” I hear from across the street I look back to see Charlie getting out of his car, and start to jog towards me. “What do you want now, Charlie?” I ask, not in the mood for his shit at the moment. “I didn’t know she was your mom y/n I’m so sorry for today, Kirby told me after I told her what you said during our last class.” He says, and for once I actually believed him and wasn’t annoyed to be around him. “It’s fine Charlie, but how didn’t you know, we have the same last name? and don’t you know everything about these murders?” I ask “I mean yeah most of it, doesn’t everyone?” He asks “Nope, not me, my grandma kept me away from this town and my mom’s murder for as long as she could.” I reply “But, you could help me with learning about it. you wanna come in?” I ask. if Charlie was going to pity me for the rest of the week why not use it to my advantage. 

“Okay so you’re grandma has never mentioned anything that can give you hints about your dad?” Charlie asks, trying to help me find out what happened to my mom and dad. “Nope she did everything in her will power to keep me away from knowing the truth, but I’m sick of her hiding things from me.” I reply “Do you guys have anything that could hold lot’s of old storage? You know an attic, a little room in the basement, a separate bedroom that no one uses, anything like that?” he asks “Yeah why?” I ask furrowing my eyebrows in confusion. “So we can see if she has any picture or anything that can give us some hints, duh idiot.” he replies “Oh fuck off, but yeah we have an attic.” I say “Have you ever been up there?” he asks “No, I didn’t know about it until recently, and I got to scared to go up there.” I reply “scaredy cat” he coughs out “Anyway, what the hell are we waiting for let’s do this fucker you want my help or not.”

We grab some flashlights from the closet and make our way up the ladder to the attic. “Well it isn’t as dusty and scary as I thought.” I saw shining my flash light around. There is a lot up here, but Charlie and I start to dig our way through. About an hour later Charlie finds a box with my mom’s name on it. We take it and go back to my room. 

I am too nervous to open it, so I make Charlie do it for me. He starts to look through the box, most of it is picture of my mom with grandma, my mom and I, and her with her friends from school. Charlie keeps digging and finds a diary with my mom’s initials written on it. He flips through the diary, and abruptly stops, a large gasp escapes him, and he quickly closes the book. “Charlie what’s wrong?” I ask, he looks at me with sympathy in his eyes. “I don’t think you should be doing this y/n.” He says, he is frozen still. I snatch the book away and start to flip through the pages. I see his name ‘Stu Macher’ I froze, the book falls out of my hand. I don’t know what to do I don’t know what to think. My body goes weak all I can do is fall to the ground and cry. Charlie runs over to me and hugs me tightly. Whispering you’re okay, and it’s going to be okay, over and over again.

After a while of me crying in his arms. Charlie and I are sitting on my bed in silence. “It’s getting pretty late maybe you should go.” I say, my voice horse from all the crying “I’m not going anywhere, I’m staying at least until your grandma get’s home.” he says, moving my face so I can look at him. “Thanks for staying with me Charlie.” I say hugging him once again. Charlie stayed with me that whole night, even when I confronted my grandma about not telling me who my dad was. 

Out of all the people I could’ve had there with me tonight, I never thought I would want it to be Charlie, but her I am cuddled up with him in sweet soothing silence.

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Thank you for reading 💕💕💕 Love You All

[itsgrimeytime]

drunk on you (part three) || Rick Grimes (TWD) × gn!reader (no apocalypse!AU)

rick grimes taglist: @golden-hoax @mgparker

series taglist: @ryoujoking

Part 1, 2.

AVAILABLE ON AO3

Summary: You'd known Rick forever, as far back as freshman year. He was a guy you (if you were honest) had a crush on; there was just something in his stance and the low drawl of his voice. You'd say that feeling only got worse from there. Before you could blink, he was married and had a kid; and suddenly, despite your best efforts, you felt very out of place. You faded out of his life, and he yours. So when Rick shows up at your door (drunk out of his mind) about 5 years after the last time you spoke to him, you have a lot of questions.

TWs: excessive use of pet names, making out, vague reference to sex, shameless flirting, crying, vague reference to Lori's infidelity, and unresolved feelings.

[[A/N: Rick Grimes in this one is simply whipped. also not me going back on my wordddddd. I might make more, we'll see. Also whoever made this gif has my whole heart. Y'all ever just want to hold a man and tell him everythings okay??? That he's allowed to feel??? No, just me? Okay. Enjoy :))]]

"Rick," you pursed your lips, rubbing at a dish in your sink.

Currently, you are at home -on babysitting duty. About a month after the wedding, their honeymoon kick-started and Carl went to stay with his Dad and Judith (who you'd briefly met at the wedding) staying with Lori's mom.

However, she had an appointment today (or at least that's what she said), so your home was currently filled with two tiny children. Luckily, you weren't doing it alone.

"Rick," you repeated -peering over the counter to look at him.

He was looking at you in that kind of way that you recognized to be just... adoration. The smile on his face perked up, as he watched you do whatever you were doing; he wouldn't even look away for a second. It felt kind of like when he told you he loved you, and you couldn't breathe-

"Stop looking at me that."

"Like what?" Rick countered with a smile -you couldn't decide if you wanted to slap it off or kiss him senseless. Later.

You huffed out a breath, finally rinsing the dish, "You know what you're doing, Grimes."

He suddenly seemed to notice what you're doing, standing up from his seat, "Baby, let me do those, you 'ave done enough."

"That's really sweet, babe, and I would gladly accept it in different circumstances," you hummed, grabbing the next one (as well as debating whether to kill him because of the pet name), "-but you're on kid duty."

His eyes instinctively went to the kids, who to his credit were quietly reading (Carl) and passed out on the couch (Judith). There wasn't much to watch.

These kids were way too well-behaved, it was kind of scary-

"If you won't let me help ya," he was slowly stepping toward you, "-why don't you take a break for a little while? You're stressed out-"

"I am not stressed out," you snapped -directly proving his point.

Rick wasn't moved at all though by your 'intimidation', coming up behind you and wrapping his arms around your waist. You sighed, instinctively leaning into him -breaths solid and mind stirring.

"I 'aven't seen ya like this since your last midterm," he commented -laughing lightly, slowly swaying the two of you in motion, "-what's goin' on in 'at pretty little head of yours?"

You let out a long breath, "I've really gotta finish these dishes, Rick."

"Finish 'em," he hummed, leaning down to put a featherlight kiss on your cheek, "-I'll be right 'ere, waitin'."

You did so, conveniently way less stressed. Every time your breath picked up and your moves started to become frantic, Rick would notice and pull you closer or kiss you on the temple. All the stress would promptly vanish out of your body.

He'd always been able to do that, even when you were kids, talk you down from ledges, 'relax, it's all goin' to be okay, I promise'. It was kind of weird the way you got him now, romantic, you'd never even dreamed of this. You wouldn't let yourself.

"Whatcha thinkin' about, darlin'?"

You laughed, finishing the last dish and putting it into the strainer, "How much young Y/N would lose their mind right now. With you."

Rick snickered, something delighted in his voice, "Yeah?"

"Oh, yeah," you affirmed, "-They would be..."

You fell silent, even now, all you'd sacrificed, all you'd shoved down still hurt. You had Rick now, but that didn't erase the years you didn't.

"...happy," you finished, a little desolately.

Rick slowly spun you around in his grip, blue eyes searching for yours, and when they found them, smiling -it shot warmth through your chest.

"I love you."

You smiled, hands awkwardly at your side -before frowning, "My hands are all soapy."

"Why does 'at matter?" He tilted his head, grin giving no signs of disappearing.

"I want to kiss you," you explained, "-but I can't do that with-"

"Well," he laughed, moving forward -pulling one hand off your waist and sliding it up to hold your face, "-I can."

Before you could let out a word, he sealed your lips together. Rick always kissed with a little passion, you'd noticed that -so you were a bit lucky that the sink was just behind your back. Otherwise, he would've blindly pushed you into a wall -which hurt last time.

He was slow as if he was trying to treasure you, show you that he loved you. It was less desperate this time, although you were very sure he'd been wanting to kiss you for at least an hour. It was just calming, grounding; the push of his lips, solid and body sturdy against your body.

You couldn't help it then, your hands went to his shoulders, supporting yourself.

And then, he brought out his tongue.

Now, the tongue was new, a lot of trouble -you were really glad he hadn't brought it out in the closet because that would have gone much differently. A little less romantic. More fun though, probably-

He urged open your mouth without hesitation (you were very simple, what can you say), tongue twirling around your own. Still slow, still languid, as if he was carefully wanting to know every little bit of you.

You pulled yourself away, the familiar heat flushing through your body, eyes blinking open to match his. He had the most mischievous little grin there, eyes staying solid on your lips.

Your heart stuttered in your chest.

"Rick," he pushed forward with a simple press of lips, your will was weak, "-we cannot do this right now."

He pushed forward again, more power this time, slowly pulling back, "Your son is in the next room."

"I'd like 'im to see a display of healthy affection," he hummed, still a breath away.

"Don't you think he gets enough of that from Shane and Lori?"

He smiled then, twinkly, "Who says 'ere's is healthy?"

You burst into laughter, as his lips found solace on all the surfaces of his face -the bags of your eyes, the curve of your nose, the corners of your lips, and your cheeks. His grin only got brighter as you laughed -like it was the only sound he'd ever wanted to hear in the world. Or maybe like it was his favorite.

"Okay, okay," you let out a breath, pushing him backward, "-if this keeps going you're going to-"

Your eyes faltered to your hands, and the wet stains on his shirt, "Shit."

"'S no big deal, baby," he hummed, pressing forward to kiss you -simply, "-'ll just get a new one from my drawer."

Right, another new thing, the drawer. Rick stayed over a lot now, and to be fair, you had an extra room (you were going to get a roommate at one point, but that never happened) where Carl could sleep. So, it just started functioning that way. Plus, Rick had a terrible habit of just showing up at your place otherwise. It was much better than that.

The thing was, every time he came over, he brought more of him. Everywhere you looked you could see a little Rick -the boots by the door, the coat on the rack, the extra blanket on the couch, and he'd even brought over some dishes once. That one you weren't sure why.

And it was fine, good even. It's just that you hadn't talked about it. At all.

He still had his place at home, close to Bonnie and the town where you grew up. And while the town was lovely, you had moved on. You just weren't sure that Rick had moved on too.

He'd told you that after getting shot on the job and put in a coma, the department had essentially retired him -out of concern. So, he got a monthly check. He was at your apartment all the time, and yet it seemed like he couldn't get enough of it. You were a little worried about him going stir-crazy in the city on top of everything else. Would it be a good idea for him to even move here?

Selfishly, you still really wanted him to.

It was another day, Saturday to be specific, you were sitting on the couch and Rick's head lay in your lap -mindlessly, you ran your fingers through his hair. It was getting longer now, curling, and he was growing out his stubble -you'd told him frankly that you like both very much.

He had only smiled (the tips of his ears growing pink) and said promptly, "Guess I'll keep doin' it then."

You were happy that you had such an influence, because he was always handsome, but there was something special about having your very own Rick. Not the one when you were kids, not the one from his marriage with Lori, yours. With a kiss of curly hair and stubble.

"You really like the hair, don't ya?" He mumbled out, half-focused because of the rhythmic motion of your hand. It was cute, he was cute.

You hummed, happily -staring down at him, "I love your curls."

He smiled a little, cheeks dusting pink -you absentmindedly let your other hand brush against them. He kissed your fingertips when he could.

"I don't understand why you never let it grow out when we were kids," you expressed, staring at the baby curls on the top of his head, "-It's so pretty."

"'S hardly pretty," he muttered out.

You frowned, moving your hands to cup his face, ever-so-slightly, "You are very pretty, Grimes. Probably the most beautiful person I've ever seen."

Rick fell quiet, something crossing over his face.

"And if anyone else says otherwise," you moved your hand back to his hair, "-I'll beat the shit out of them."

He choked out a laugh, a big smile radiating up at you -eyes with that look again, you could indulge in it this time, though, "Would ya?"

"Well, yeah," you laughed, "-I smacked Shane, didn't I?"

He suddenly sat up, scooting close to your side and facing you -something in his eyss monstrously delighted, "You smacked Shane?"

"Shit," you gulped -trying to think back, "-did I not tell you that?"

"When?" He urged, and he was nearly jumping in place.

"At his wedding," you clarified, before frowning, "-that really doesn't sound good, does it?"

Rick laughed, roaming closer to you, "You did 'at for lil' old me?"

"He had it coming," you retorted, "-plus, me and Bonnie talked about much worse-"

"God," he said suddenly, using both of his hands to cup your face -leaning forward to connect your foreheads, "-I love you."

"I love you too," you responded, laughing a little, "-Does me slapping Shane really do it for you or?"

He laughed again, a bright twinkle, before settling back, "Just can't remember the last time someone did somethin' for me."

You frowned.

"But, of course, you did," he hummed, looking at you in sheer wonder, "-I didn't even ask ya to do 'at."

"I would hope not," you quipped, and his grin grew brighter, "-and, even from a friend's perspective, the guy deserved it. Deserved his shoes stomped too, but you didn't let me leave your side-"

Rick grinned, pressing a short kiss onto your lips, "I was kinda followin' you around like a lost puppy all night, wasn't I?"

You shook your head, letting out a breath, "It's okay though, I didn't mind."

He smiled at you, all soft and sweet.

"Plus, I asked Bonnie to do it for me-"

He laughed loud, eyes hazy onto your features for a moment. At his staring, all you could do was smile and start to laugh, fluster bubbling up your face. His eyes only shined brighter then, and before you could react, he pushed you down onto the couch -lips coming to find yours as you both burst into laughter.

And maybe it got a little feverish, and maybe it got a little rushed. And maybe he picked you up and carried you off to the bedroom without so much as a stuttered step (all hooded eyes and bright smiles).

But that was between the two of you.

A few months later, it was a weeknight -you had just tumbled through the door off your work shift. You usually got out pretty early, but today had been a rough one. You hadn't been expecting Rick, he was (last you'd known) at his place. Had to go back every month at least once for his check, and he usually stayed for a little bit. The drive wasn't long, but it was long enough to want to be avoided.

So, when you brought yourself through the door, you were expecting an empty apartment. You were exhausted, didn't even want to eat -you just wanted to sleep.

Instead, you walked in with the lights on and some shifting in the kitchen.

"Rick?" You offered, slipping off your shoes and shuffling to the kitchen.

"There ya are," he hummed, spinning around to meet you -before his eyes rested solely on you.

He faltered, dropping whatever he had in his hands gently on the counter (you weren't paying attention) -hands coming to rest on your shoulders. They smoothed there for a second, before he nudged up your chin.

"Bad day?"

"I'm exhausted," you sighed, fully leaning into his hands.

He pursed his lips for a second, moving his hand up to cup your face, "Ya eaten today?"

"This morning," you answered -honestly.

Frowning, his other hand dragged his fingertips over your arm, "'Gotta take better care of yourself, baby. You know 'at."

"Yeah, yeah," you groaned, but not making any motion to move, "-I know."

"I'm serious," he leveled with you, eyes starkly matching yours.

"I know, Rick," you responded, "-I'm just too tired-"

"Ya need to eat," he reinforced, guiding you to the bedroom gently -carefully steps to gently bring you there.

"Then why are you-"

"Sleep," he hummed, hands solidly on your shoulders -pulling aside the blankets, "-I'll bring ya some food in a minute."

"Rick," you looked at him, "-I can-"

"Shush," he pushed you forward but you didn't move, "-baby, lay down."

"Really, I can, it's late, you should sleep-"

"'At's enough," he hummed gruffly, grabbing you by the waist and lugging you over his shoulder.

"Rick!" You nearly squealed.

"Ya weren't workin' with me," he huffed out -trying to hold back a laugh, "-gotta do 'at I 'ave to."

"Okay, okay," you laughed, "-I get your point. You can put me down-"

"Too late," he pulled you forward, gently cradling your head onto the bed, "-already 'ere."

You looked at him for a moment, blue eyes the only thing lit up in the room and something in you softened.

His hand remained under your head, and he was close enough to feel his breath -you mindlessly looked at him. Hands blindly reaching for his face, you pulled him to you -one solid kiss.

As you parted, you still held him there -whispering, softly, "Thank you."

Rick smiled, you could see it in the distant dusting of lighting. Brushing your hands up along his jaw, you found his hair -threading through it for a moment. He leaned forward that time, a simple press of lips.

You smiled.

"Okay," he hummed, gruff and maybe tired, "-I've gotta go make ya some food, darlin'."

You nodded, solidly, "I love you."

"Love ya too," he smiled, leaning forward to kiss your forehead, "-sleep. I'll be 'ere in a minute."

"Okay," you hummed, as he pulled the blanket up over you -slowly sinking into the bed.

Just a few minutes.

You don't know how long you were out with a fuzzy mind and warm dreams. Sleep was always better when you were just tired.

"Hey, baby," his voice echoed out, a little sing-songy. The first thing, other than his voice, you noticed was the gentle smell wafting through the air. You instinctively sniffed, mumbling out.

He hummed, pulling you up, "'S getcha up, okay? Need to eat somethin'."

You groaned but moved with him -pushing the pillows up behind your back. Rick was shifting with you, being the one to primarily move you.

"Pick a show," he hummed, putting the plate on your nightstand and rumbling up to the other side of the bed, "-Let's eat, and then we can sleep again, 'kay?"

You sighed out a breath, rubbing at your eyes, and pulling the plate onto your lap, "You know what I wanna watch, Grimes, you put it on."

"Grumpy, aren't ya?" he huffed with a grin -mindlessly grabbing the remote, and putting on your favorite show.

You hummed, and ate.

There wasn't much said then, the silent hum of the TV and the shuffle of eating filling the air.

Eventually you ended up here, curled into Rick's side with your head on his chest and his arm wrapped tightly around you -fingers massaging your scalp. Your arms wrapped around his chest -as close as you could possibly be. He laughed at you, trying to get as close as you possibly could, but didn't object at all. You would never imagine him to. In fact, he actually pulled you closer -arm wrapped around you solidly.

"I don't know what I would've done if you weren't here," you murmured, low and just under the hum of the TV.

"Not eaten," he replied, teasingly.

You turned to face him, putting your chin on his chest -he simply moved his fingers to the other side, "Rick, I'm serious."

"I know, baby," he hummed, curling his hand behind your ear and trailing down your jaw, "-I know. 'M glad to be 'ere, 'specially wit' you."

You rolled your eyes, "You're cliché, Grimes."

"'At's the way you like it, though," he smiled, brushing his fingertips down your back, "-and I do like keepin' ya happy."

You sighed, trailing a hand up to dance around his jaw, "Ugh, why can't I just keep you here forever?"

There was a silence then, as your fingers fluttered over his skin -ending up at the nape of his neck, digging into curls.

"I could," he said finally, "-be 'ere, there's an openin' on the floor below ya, I asked."

"Rick," you laughed, "-don't be ridiculous."

His face contoured into something a little defensive, "Why is 'at ridiculous-"

"Move in with me," you breathed out.

Rick froze, breath fluttering out of his chest -blue eyes still lazily strolling along your face.

"If you're going to be in the same city for me," you argued, "-why not just be with me?"

He smiled, that dazzling sort of one that just made your heart twist in your chest -always so in love. You still couldn't wrap your head around it.

Fingers still dancing along your back, he countered, "Ya know 'at means Carl too, don't you?"

"Of course, I-" you spoke -a little in disbelief, "-Rick, I know that you and Carl are a package deal. Your kid comes first, I get that."

"Are you sure you wanna-"

"Rick," you reiterated, sitting up fully now and facing him, "-I love you, like crazy. If you think that I don't love him too, you're insane."

"Not everyone's," he paused, and you realized then he had been thinking about this a lot, "-ready for a kid-"

"Rick," you stressed -holding his face to guide to yours, "-I may not be the greatest at... at kids. But I am willing to try, for you and Carl."

His eyes scanned over you, a bit in wonder, like he really couldn't imagine you sat in front of him, asking what you were asking.

"I just-" he started, "-I wanna make sure you're sure. It's a big deal, and... I don't wanna scare ya away."

Again hung through the air for a moment.

"You're stuck with me," you readjusted your hands -cupping his face, "-I got away once but now you are stuck with me, Grimes. And Carl is a part of you. That means I'm stuck with him too, okay?"

Rick pursed his lips, like he hadn't expected this and something in your heart sunk.

"I'm sorry I ever made you feel like I wouldn't accept Carl-"

"No, you never-" he sighed big and long, eyes dropping to his lap for a moment, he sniffled, "-I just..."

You tilted his face back up to meet yours, and your eyes took in the tears settled in his eyes, you waited for him to talk. Mindlessly, your thumbs rubbed them away -patient.

"I never thought I'd get this after Lori," he cried, soft and just for you to hear, "-I always thought with Carl, people would never-"

You shifted onto his lap, straddling, pulling his head forward into your shoulder -fingers threading into his curls. Your other hand wrapped around his back, rubbing small little circles in its stead.

He cried into your skin for a moment, just tears creeping out of somewhere they had long settled. You wondered how long he'd been holding onto this.

You frowned at the thought, turning your head to kiss his jaw quickly.

"I'm sorry," you muttered out.

Rick seemed to want to move up and say something but you kept him there -gently carding through his hair with your fingers. He didn't put up much of a fight.

"I'm sorry for what she did to you," you clarified, before pulling his face back in front of you, "-really, I am."

"I'm not-"

"I know you're past it, Rick," you hummed, hand smoothing down the side of his face, "-doesn't mean you ever got what you deserved, an apology."

He opened his mouth, but you kept going.

"Just because you adapted," you presented, "-doesn't mean it can't still hurt, Rick. I know it doesn't hurt because of Lori anymore-"

He stared at you wordlessly, like he was desperately trying to listen.

"-but it's okay if it hurts for different reasons," you explained, gently rubbing your fingertips along his jaw, "-Your trust was broken by someone you loved, it's okay to be scared that it might happen again."

Rick hummed for a moment, eyes darting all over your face -like he was trying to figure out what to say. You merely waited patiently, in silence.

"I... I'm scared. Not that you'll... I trust ya, I do. It's just-"

"Rick, baby, stop," you interrupted him, meeting his eyes again, "-you don't have to explain yourself to me."

"But you-"

"Rick," you laughed a little, hands coming to rest on his shoulders -his eyes stayed squarely on you, "-you experienced something and reacted to it. I'm not taking that personally, you were hurt and now you don't want to be hurt again."

He seemed a little stunned, unsure of his own words. You took it as a motion to keep talking.

"I can tell you that I won't hurt you again, and maybe you'll believe it," you offered, "-but because someone broke that trust, there is gonna be a part of your brain that doesn't-"

His fingers brushed against your face for a moment, like he was grounding himself -listening to the words you were saying.

"-and that's not your fault or mine," you clarified, effectively shushing him, "-and we're gonna do our best to fix it, okay?"

Rick stared at you, a little in awe.

"Together," you reiterated, before adding on -less confidently, "-if you want to."

He didn't say anything.

"And," you cleared your throat, suddenly a little flustered with his sole attention and the ever-growing silence, "-you don't have to move in if you're not ready, that's a... a given."

You snapped your mouth shut, eyes dancing along his face -trying to read anything on it. All you got was wonder, and disbelief.

"Uh," you laughed, nervously, "-Rick? Are you... okay?"

He seemed to blink then, eyes clear of their haze, "Shit, sorry, I..."

His tone faltered off again, eyes dashing over you like you weren't even real; he just seemed so shaken by everything. You weren't sure exactly what to do.

"Shit, again, I-" He started, swallowing, "-I mean, yes to all of it."

"You want to move in?"

"Yeah," he repeated like it was the most obvious answer in the world, "-yeah, I want... I want it all."

You raised an eyebrow, asking for clarification.

"I want your help," he spoke, hands trailing up to properly cup your cheek, "-I need your help, I wanna be better. I wanna think... better."

You hummed, raising a hand to come up on top of his -turning and pressing a kiss to his palm, "Okay."

There was a silence then, as he looked at you and you looked at him. It was like a shift, somehow your relationship ticked -like suddenly it wasn't just love but a relationship. Intertwined lives, and goals to better each other; it felt different and you wondered if it was still the same-

"I get the baby thin' now," Rick murmured out, fingers playing with the neck of your shirt.

You furrowed your eyebrows, trying to remember, "Did I call you baby?"

"Mhm," he confirmed, "-'s really... special to hear it. Feels nice."

"Wait, so," your fingers danced around his chest, "-what are you saying, baby?"

Rick grinned, something twinkling in his eye, "Really? You gonna do this now?"

"Oh, yeah, baby," you laughed.

He smiled, fingers brushing over your cheekbones -blue eyes languid over your figure, "'Sure ya wanna do 'at tonight?"

You paused, noting the exhaustion deep in your skin and the sleep-slur of his words.

"Okay," you decided, yawning and nuzzling into his chest, "-fine. Tomorrow."

Rick pulled you into his chest -brushing his fingers along your back, something telling in his voice but everything else so casual, "Whatever ya want, baby."

"Rick-"

Yep, you realized, still the exact same.

[youre-a-total--poser]

Baby Troubles (Request)

Warnings: The baby is the warning, especially since it is a crying baby Age: Newborn Word Count: 1,098 Requests: Open Summary: Read the request and it will explain everything Requested by: @kmaxmadness Date: 18/03/2024 paring: N/A A/N: Thank you for your request I hope that you like it.

---⧗---

MasterList

During a mission there was a newborn baby abandoned in one of the warehouses and the Avengers knew that they couldn't just leave her.

They finished the mission and brought the baby home. A long discussion was made about what to do with the baby and it was decided that they were going to take her to a local orphanage that was until someone who they never expected to speak up and offered to raise the baby.

Natasha walked over and gently took the newborn baby out of Steve's arms.

Natasha has always wanted to be a mom but she never thought that she would actually become one.

After a lot of thinking and going through a long long list of baby names Natasha finally found the perfect one. She named the baby Y/N.

For the first week, baby Y/N was the most perfect baby ever. She hardly ever cried and slept wonderfully. Natasha never thought a baby could be this calm

That was until week two came along then baby Y/N's health drastically went downhill.

Baby Y/N went from hardly crying to crying what felt like all day. Nothing that Natasha tried seemed to be working. Steve offered to take the baby to the doctor so Natasha could get some sleep he knew that it's been days since she'd had any sleep mainly because he had stayed up with her.

Steve came back from the doctor and told Natasha that the baby had colic. Steve explained that colic was when a baby cries for no reason. He also said to Natasha that the doctor has scheduled an allergy appointment in case it's caused by a milk allergy.

The allergy test came back negative so the only thing that could be done was to let the colic pass on its own.

A week passed and things weren't getting any better after another doctor's visit all the doctors said that it was normal.

---⧗---

It was nearly 3 in the morning and Natasha was exhausted and could not handle the crying anymore. She was walking around her bedroom gently rocking the baby.

"Please stop crying." She said on the verge of tears herself.

The door opened and Clint walked in.

"Still no improvements?" He asked.

"No." Natasha sighed as she gently placed the crying baby in the cot hoping that she would tire herself out and fall asleep.

Clint could see that she was not okay. "Want me to take care of her so you can have a nap you can sleep in my room." He offered kindly.

She gave a weak smile, "Thank you, Clint."

She left the room and went into Clint's room. She had set an alarm for 30 minutes as she knew that Clint had to get home to his wife and kids. She honestly had no idea how Clint's wife Laura could handle three kids all by herself especially when the youngest was barely four months old.

---⧗---

Things were getting a little better baby Y/N was still crying but it wasn't as much as the last week but Natasha was the most exhausted she'd ever been.

She was sitting on the couch feeding the baby and she could barely keep her eyes open. She ended up falling asleep completely unaware of what was happening to the baby in her arms.

The Avengers had just come back from a mission. They walked into the living room to find baby Y/N alone screaming in the baby bouncer and Natasha was nowhere in sight.

"Natasha?" Steve called out as he carefully picked the baby up and looked around for her

They found her lying on the floor curled up in a ball crying

"What happened?" Clint asked as he kneeled beside her and placed his hand on her shoulder.

"I dropped her." she sniffed. "I fell asleep on the couch holding her and when I woke up she was on the floor."

Clint helped Natasha up off the floor and led her to the couch.

Bruce walked over and started checking the baby to make sure that she was okay. "She's fine Natasha babies are tougher than you think."

Steve tried to hand the baby back to Natasha but she turned away from him "No, I don't want to hurt her again." she said.

"You won't," Bruce assured her.

The rest of the Avengers stayed silent in case what they said would make the situation worse

"You're just stressed and overwhelmed right now." Clint urged her to take the baby again. "She needs her mom."

"I can't be her mom I'm not good enough just take her back to the orphanage shell be better off with other parents," Natasha said.

"That's not true," Bruce said, his tone gentle . "It is though." She said and tried to stand up.

Clint stopped her and took her back down to the couch. "You are a wonderful mother. You're just stressed right now. We all saw how much you adored the baby before she got colic and it won't last forever."

"You don't know that." She said bitterly.

"I do all of my kids have had it and they eventually got over it and they're just fine," Clint told her.

"And in time the same will happen to Y/N and she will be that happy baby you knew before. Trust us Natasha we wouldn't lie to you." Bruce said chiming in.

Natasha took a deep breath and looked up at everyone's faces. She knew there was a part of her that agreed with them but right now she couldn't see that it would get better. It felt like things had just kept getting worse. But she knew she needed to trust her friends. They hadn't lied to her so far, and she had no reason to think they would start now.

"Okay." She said with a sad smile. "I'll keep trying."

Natasha gently took the finally sleeping baby from Steve being very careful not to wake her and placed a kiss on her forehead.

"You dont have to do this alone Nat we'll all step in to help," Steve reassured her.

"Thank you," Natasha said looking around and smiling at her friends.

---⧗---

It took quite a while for baby Y/N to finally get ever the Colic but when she did she became the happy and calm baby that she was before. Everyone was happy especially Natasha that the constant crying had finally stopped but what they weren't prepared for was when Y/N became a toddler and just how much of a handful this tiny human would become.

---⧗---

Taglist - @knox145 // @dogtamer415 // @romanoffliviv

Go HERE to be added to the taglist

[jackharloww]

Coming home

Summary: The one where baby Nathaniel comes home

Today was mothers day and you and Jack had just left home to go to the hospital. Jack and Grace fixed breakfast for you this morning, and Maggie came by as well so Grace could stay with her today. The doctor called yesterday and told you that she wanted to speak to you and Jack today. You got anxious until she told you it wasn't anything to worry about.

"Good morning Mr. and Mrs. Harlow" The doctor greeted you as soon as you walked into the hospital room where Nathaniel was.

"Good morning" Jack answered her as you gave her a smile. You quickly walked over to him and saw that he was awake.

"Hi my sweet baby" you cooed and very gently picked him up, giving him kisses all over. Nathaniel stared at you with his beautiful big ocean blue eyes.

Jack walked up to you and stood over your head, bringing his finger up to Nathaniel's face to stroke his cheek, making him coo up to you, receiving giggles from you and Jack.

"So, the reason why I asked the both of you to come today is because I have very good news," The doctor said with a big smile, "Nathaniel has made significant progress, he is such a strong boy and we feel that he is now stable and healthy enough to go home"

As soon as she said those words, your heart started beating rapidly and your eyes got watery. You looked up at Jack and saw that he also had tears in his eyes. He leaned down and kissed you on top of the head as he held you tight.

"Are you sure" you finally asked, receiving happy nods from the doctor.

"Yes, We will of course schedule follow-up appointments, and you will have to do the necessary care at home, but Nathaniel is finally ready to go home"

"Thank you so much," Jack said as he leaned down to kiss Nathaniel's head.

"Before you leave, I just need to take final tests on Nathaniel, and my colleague will come in here and provide you with detailed instructions on how to care for his ongoing medical needs you need to think of at home, including feeding and medication administration" The doctor explained. You gave Nathaniel another kiss before handing him to the doctor. She took Nathaniel and went into another room for an examination, leaving you and Jack alone for a moment. You sat down on a sofa that was in the room.

"Why am I nervous" you whispered to Jack, making him grab your hand to ease your nerves.

"I don't know, but I'm nervous too" he admitted with a chuckle. You put your head on his shoulder, closing your eyes momentarily as Jack typed something into his phone. He ensured that your eyes were close before continuing to type.

What you didn't know was that Jack had just texted his mom and Emily letting them know that Nathaniel was coming home today. He wanted them to gather his and your family for a small surprise for you and also because they all wanted to meet him.

He put his phone down and put his arm around your shoulder, pulling you closer before kissing you on top of the head.

"I'm so excited" he said, making you look up at him with a smile.

"So am I, I can't wait for Grace and him to bond for real" you answered. You waited for about 20 minutes before a nurse came in to talk to you about instructions on Nathaniel’s medical home care.

After being in the hospital for almost 2 hours you could finally go home. Thankfully Jack had installed Nathaniel’s car seat two weeks ago so you could be ready when this day would come. You couldn’t explain the emotions you were having and as you looked at Jack you could tell he felt the same. Jack carried the car seat with one hand as the other held yours and you walked to the car to go home.

Nathaniel was asleep the whole ride home but woke up once Jack picked him up from his seat, he didn’t cry or anything, he just looked up at his dad making small noises.

“Are you ready?” Jack asked you as you walked to the door. “Let do this” you nodded. As soon as you opened the door you saw all your loved ones with big smiles saying “surprise” loudly. The room was filled with balloons and there was different pastries on the table.

You immediately got tears and looked back at Jack and saw him with a big smile. "Happy mothers day" he said

“Baby brother” Grace screamed and ran to her dad to get a glimpse of her brother.

“Remember Grace, inside voice and gentle hands,” Jack told her before he bent down for her to take a look. She nodded and smiled at him, she touched his hand and Nathaniel grabbed her finger in his hand making her giggle. The others gave Grace her moment with him, greeting you while waiting.

“When did you do this?” You asked Maggie, knowing she had been apart of this.

“Well, Jack texted us when you got the news and told us to surprise you” she smiled. After a few minutes, Jack stood up straight and walked around with Nathaniel, letting everyone see him. They all fell instantly in love with him.

"He looks like Gracie" Emily cooed as she held him in her arms.

"Me?" Gracie raised her eyebrows and ran to sit next to her auntie.

“Grace, do you want to hold him?” You asked her and just as you said that her eyes got wide

“Can I?” She asked with anticipation in her big eyes.

"Of course, sit straight next to Auntie Em," you told her and she did as you said.

"And now put your arm out" You showed her how, and then Emily put Nathaniel in Grace's lap.

"You can put your arms around him" Jack laughed as Grace just had her other hand up in the air, not knowing what to do with it. He walked up to her and helped her.

"Daddy look he smile at me" Grace whispered, taking what her father told her about inside voice very seriously.

“He loves his big sissy” Jack answered her.

"he is heavy" Grace panted out after a few minutes making you laugh, and she dramatically stuck her tongue out. It was Urban's turn to hold him so he grabbed him from Grace's lap and she ran off to play.

You walked to Jack that was in the kitchen and put your arms around him. "Thank you for this" you mumbled before looking up and giving him a kiss.

"I hope it was okay that I told them all to come"

"It was more than okay babe" you answered him before the both of you walked back to the rest of your families. You all had a wonderful time and you were thankful to finally have both your babies at home.

---------------------------------

Baby boy is finally home noooow!!! now I can finally start writing for him and Grace for real, send in requests 🤭🫶🏽

taglist: @harlowsbby , @harlowcomehome , @neon-lights-and-glitter , @middlechild404 , @nattinatalia , @hoodharlow , @heavyhitterheaux , @mortirolo , @itsyagirljaz

[solverse]

A carol for the souls. (ii)

Quo; Give a character a song. (SAGAU)

Characters; Bennett, Fischl, Razor & Kaeya.

Notes; I really like the three as best friends and Kaeya is there as the responsible adult. This isn't a character study whatsoever, just a little self-indulgent fic.

Dics; Again, the intro is unbearably long because I can't seem to write one-shots under 1k words.

| (i) |

Ribs - Lorde

Bennett was having an amazing day! Not only that his bad luck had subsided a little for today, most of the unfortunate situations were him almost tripping over himself but gladly, his team was there to watch his back. Today was also one of the days when he was chosen by the Guide to go on an adventure. 

Ever since Bennett had become a 'chosen' one, he had the opportunity and pleasure to meet different kinds of people and see tons of new places. Since he was an adventurer since he could ever walk, Bennett knew Monstadt like the back of his hand.

But never would he think he'd get a chance to see other regions as well! Monstadt was his home, the place where he knew he could return to – that was the kind of beauty Monstadt was. But the other regions held such a different aura and magnificence that Benette couldn't explain in words alone. 

And what made all of that better was that he got to go with his friends. With Razor and Fischl, on their own very (miscellaneous) adventures around Tevyat! Razor and Fischl were his best friends and some of the best people he had ever known. Traveling with them to see different places, exploring, and fighting different bosses was a dream come true. 

Oh, there was also Kaeya! Brother Kaeya who had been appointed as the responsible adult of the group and Bennett appreciated that sentiment, knowing that someone like Kaeya was watching their back anytime, lest any of them get into a dangerous situation. 

On a simple day, they were traveling through the forest of Sumeru, after heeding the safety clause that a Forest Ranger had given them. Apparently, the ranger was someone Kaeya knew. Bennett had watched in fascination as the new green-haired girl groaned in embarrassment when she recognized the Cavalry Captain. Kaeya has a good time teasing her. 

It was when they arrived at the riverside that Bennett finally noticed the eerie silence starting to settle in. Kaeya was the first to notice, followed by Razor who seemed alarmed at the sudden change in atmosphere. It seemed that the occurring background music had disappeared. 

Bennett had known of this phenomenon, Barbara had told him about the random time when the Guide would start playing bizarre music. It happened to some 'chosen' ones, while some might go on their days never hearing this bizarre music.

Despite his bad luck and all, Bennett firmly believed that he has good eyes when it comes to people. It's just that Bennett sometimes overlooked his judgment so he could be friendly. But judging by his friends' reaction, only Fischl seemed experienced in this situation. 

Well, that was a given since out of all of them, Fischl was one of the original and earliest 'chosen' ones, other than the Traveler. She had the guidance of the Guide more than Bennett could wish for. But don't get him wrong! He's extremely happy that one of his best friends was favored by the Guide. 

He was snapped out of his thoughts when he heard an unfamiliar sound, building up in an echo. It sounded like it was directly next to him and yet all over him too. The sound was soothing in a way that Bennett couldn't explain. 

The drink you spilt all over me,

"Lover's Spit" left on repeat,

My mom and dad let me stay home,

It drives you crazy getting old,

Bennett almost jumped when the voice started singing before he calmed down. He felt embarrassed at the moment and couldn't focus on the song until a few seconds later. It was why he didn't quite catch the first few lyrics. 

We can talk it so good,

We can make it so divine,

We can talk it good,

How you wish it would be all the time,

Bennett frowned and crossed his arms, even though he was giving his utmost attention, he still couldn't decipher what the lyrics meant. The music sounded really nice, it made him tingle all over his body in a good way. 

The drink you spilt all over me,

"Lover's Spit" left on repeat,

My mom and dad let me stay home,

It drives you crazy getting old,

The drink you spilt all over me,

"Lover's Spit" left on repeat,

My mom and dad let me stay home,

It drives you crazy getting old,

The song repeated the lyrics again, as if giving Bennett another chance to find a meaning behind those words. But when he took a glance at Fischl, something was caught in his throat. Bennett had never seen that look on Fischl, one that told of memories and reminiscence. Without even knowing it, Bennett didn't realize how it was so different.  

This dream isn't feeling sweet,

We're reeling through the midnight streets,

And I've never felt more alone,

It feels so scary getting old,

In a way, Bennett could understand it a little. Since he was a kid, Bennett had always been the 'unlucky' or 'cursed' kid that everyone stayed away from. Because if you ever get near him, you will get hurt too. 

And that hurt a lot. Even as a child, hearing those words come from people who you wanted to know about, who you want to get along with, hurt a lot more than he wanted it to. Even now, Bennett couldn't bring it to ask himself if things got better now, as days passed by.

We can talk it so good,

We can make it so divine,

We can talk it good,

How you wish it would be all the time,

Looking back at all the stuff he had experienced, Bennett likes to say that they had built him into the person he is. A passionate adventure with a penchant for bad luck. It wasn't all that bad. Bennett likes to think that he was lucky in parts that others won't look at. 

After all, the Unlucky-Boy was able to meet two kids who were outcasted by what society deemed unorthodox. Looking back at it, Bennett will always be grateful that his path, his fate, had crossed with Fischl and Razor. 

He doesn't care much for the things others say about him, no matter how much it pained him to hear so. But Fischl and Razor was the best thing that happened to him, that's why Bennett wouldn't let anyone else say otherwise. Because of them, he felt like the luckiest person in the world. 

The days of adventure they went on for the past years stayed firm and locked deep within his heart. People like to talk, they like to say. Words are powerful. The words they spout can be such a tool that made Bennett feel useless in a broken shed. 

But actions are also powerful. Razor was raised by wolves his whole life, his speech manner was slower and shorter than others. Fischl had a lot of vocabulary, she spoke in a tongue-twisted manner that made anyone's head spin. 

But, but– despite all of that, their actions are all so powerful to Bennett. The hold, pats, hair brushing, or simple gestures were all so powerful. 

This dream isn't feeling sweet, we're reeling through the midnight streets,

And I've never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old,

Throughout Bennett's life, he learned that words can and will hurt sometimes. But even with that– actions can speak louder than words. So Bennett learned to not listen. He learned to see, to observe. 

Because if he listened, if he heard, it would hurt him. 

And Bennett thinks that it's endearing, amazing that Fischl and Razor showed their love with such simple actions.  And throughout their cages of ages, Bennett learned to appreciate those gestures more and more. 

And to realize that Bennett had never noticed any of that back then, it baffled him. But in a way, those little things– showed him something. Something that ached and warmed his heart. Something that made his eyes sting from the wave of sentiments crashing into him. 

This dream isn't feeling sweet, we're reeling through the midnight streets,

And I've never felt more alone, feels so scary getting old,

Bennett sees them and they see him. That's enough to make his heart twist in the sweetest way possible because now he knew. Along with all their time of adventures and exploring, Bennett finally saw it all. 

When he locked eyes with Razor's and then Fischl, Bennett didn't hide the giddy smile on his face. Razor looked confused at most, eyebrows furrowed while Fischl only deadpanned at him. And it's during those moments, Bennett saw it again. 

Razor's red eyes were darker and the slim gray of his hair had also turned darker through the years. It was longer than Bennett remembered, Razor's hair was by his waist now.

Fischl seemed taller, eyes shining with a glint that Bennett recently discovered after the Archipelago event. She stood steadier and a lot more confident, not afraid to break out of her character anymore. 

I want 'em back, I want 'em back,

The minds we had, the minds we had,

How all the thoughts, how all the thoughts,

Moved 'round our heads, moved 'round our heads,

I want 'em back, I want 'em back,

The minds we had, the minds we had,

It's not enough to feel the lack,

I want 'em back, I want 'em back, I want 'em,

It made Bennett a little sad as he listened to the lyrics, something echoing deep inside him as those words were sung. Truly, through his whole life, Bennett wondered if he could even experience it all again. 

It might have been a bit painful, a bit reckless. But Bennett still thought back to the moment his path had crossed with Razor and Fischl. To the day when the luckiest boy was born by two unknowing hands that held onto him through all the rocky rides and all. 

Something he held back with all his strength, never letting go. 

And beginning that, Bennett saw all those changes. 

You're the only friend I need (you're the only friend I need),

Sharing beds like little kids (sharing beds like little kids),

And laughing 'til our ribs get tough (laughing 'til our ribs get tough),

Bennett's breath hitched at that. As his eyes roamed to see his friends, the music echoing next to him, Bennett could only stare. 

To this day, Bennett held the memories close and kept them deep within his heart, where no one would be able to take them away from him. Memories that kept him alive in moments when everything had gotten blurry for him to get through. 

But that will never be enough (but that will never be enough),

It won't. That won't ever be enough because Razor and Fischl meant the world to him. They were his world. Maybe, maybe it was selfish of him to think that way, to preserve these memories like a glass ball when changes were inevitable in their life.  

Growing up from the children they were once. Bennett wondered if he was any different from then. 

You're the only friend I need (you're the only friend I need),

Sharing beds like little kids (sharing beds like little kids),

And laughing 'til our ribs get tough (laughing 'til our ribs get tough),

But that will never be enough (but that will never be enough). 

Maybe it's selfish of him to want to stay with that innocence, where their ribs would hurt so much from laughing. Maybe it's selfish of him to stay in that mirage where the old days held him with a warmth that he couldn't explain as a child. 

But those won't be enough. It won't be enough for them. So Bennett thinks that maybe it was fine, perhaps it was okay for him to keep holding onto these memories because they built the person he was today. 

With Razor's calloused yet firm hand on his shoulder, Fischl's comforting voice echoing and Kaeya's hand brushing his hair, Bennett will cherish all of these moments. 

( He wondered if they knew. Maybe that's why some needed a little bit of guidance. ) 

–

[nattinatalia]

Jack Harlow x Reader : BABY MAMA DRAMA

A/N : A whole other universe from my other AUS. Read this first 🎭 appearances by @hoodharlow 🫶🏻

You knew Jack since you were little kids running around the block. He was there when you scraped up your knee and needed stitches. He was there when you needed braces, he was there when your goldfish died.

He was your best friend.

Best friend who shared with you all of his dreams. Dreams that you encouraged and made sure he kept going and make those dreams come true.

Then best friends turned into lovers. It was a beautiful and wonderful thing. Everything was perfect. He had gotten signed to a record label and he was being recognized all over the world.

You were there besides him through it all, day in and day out. He made promises, promises that he sometimes failed to see through, but you still stood besides him, because you loved him.

Once his album ``Come Home The Kids Miss You'' was released, everything went downhill. You ended up pregnant and alone. He would be busy with work or simply not showing up.

You would confront him but all he would do is kiss you and tell you he’d make it up to you. Which you were an idiot and believed every word he said.

The first time he got caught was when he said he would be in the studio but his location would say otherwise. You never bothered to check his whereabouts, but being pregnant and hormonal, it made you do things you never thought you’d do.

The second time, he told you he had an appearance at a club in Atlanta. Imagine your surprise when you go on social media and see him partying with influencers in Los Ángeles.

He continued to make promises and you stayed, stayed because he was your comfort, but the nail in the coffin was when he didn’t even show up to the birth of your child.

Once you laid eyes on your perfect little boy, you knew you weren’t about to let Jack do whatever he pleases with you. You weren’t about to fall for his beautiful blue eyes and beautiful smile.

So when he came home three days after you gave birth and was released from the hospital, you told him it was over. He being the cocky and confident man he is, he thought you were joking.

So what you did next was pack your things and move out of your shared home. He didn’t even come searching for you or your son.

His family? His family were there alongside you through it all. His mom would apologize for his son's actions, but you assured her it wasn’t her fault.

Now three years later you’re finally in a good place physically and mentally. Growing and learning and you weren’t about to let anyone ruin that.

*********

“Tell me this bitch is joking.” Your cousin Blanca says as she enters your living room.

“Que pasó?”

“Your dumb ass baby daddy is what happened.”

“Girl, can you stop trying to fight the man? Let it go, I did.” You tell her chuckling.

“No, he hurt you and he wasn’t even around. He wants to act like the perfect father online when he’s barely even getting to know his kid.”

“I mean-“

“Go to his Instagram and you’ll see why I’m even more pissed. Pendejo que es.”

You grab your cellphone, “Blanca I’m sure it’s nothing ba- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?”

“So are we driving to his moms house and beating the fuck out of the bitch?”

“NO, you’re crazy Blanca.”

“You know they’re doing that shit to get you to react?” Your best friend says, scrolling through the comments on Jack’s Instagram post.

“Well it worked, I’m pissed. How dare he?”

“What are you going to do?.”

You shrug, “I don’t know but I have to pick up my son from Maggie’s house later tonight. I just hope they’re not there because I’ll probably do something I’ll regret.”

“Did you tell Maggie it was fine for Jack to be around?”

“In my opinion, he shouldn’t even be able to know anything about my nephew. He wasn’t around for any doctor appointments, he wasn’t around when you gave birth.” Blanca tells you, getting frustrated.

You understand your prima completely, she and your best friends did everything Jack was supposed to do. They even moved to be near you and your son, so their feelings towards Jack are totally valid and you respect that.

You nod, “I know B, but I didn’t want my son to grow up without a dad like me. It’s a messed up situation between Jack and me, I don’t want my son to witness that.”

“I know but that shit he pulled is uncalled for.”

“Oh yeah completely and he’ll be hearing about it when I pick up Adrian.” You say.

“You do know we’re coming with you right?” Your best friend tells you.

“Yup, most definitely. What if his girl is there?.” Blanca adds.

You chuckle “Están locas ustedes, but yes I know.”

“So are we going for sexy milf or comfort clothes tonight.”

You shake your head but head towards your bedroom in search of an outfit. Your cousin and bestie are following right behind you.

***********

You were now outside of Maggie’s house to pick up Adrian and you noticed Jack’s jeep was in the driveway.

“Don’t slash his tires Blanca.” You say getting out of your car.

“Bitch I wasn’t. But good thinking.”

“I can’t with your crazy ass.”

You’re now by the front door of the house and ring the doorbell. You can hear little footsteps running towards the door.

“Mama.” Your son yells once the door is opened and runs to you.

“Hola mi amor, ¿cómo estás?” You carry him and kiss all over his face.

“Missed you mama.” He tells you and kisses you on your cheek.

“I missed you too, did you have fun with your grandma? And tio Clay.?”

He nods then looks behind you “Tia Blanca hi.”

“Hi squirt, come on let’s take you with tia Drea.” Blanca looks at you. “I’ll be back.”

You nod and finally notice that the one who opened the door was Jack and not Maggie.

He’s standing there with his hands inside the pocket of his hoodie. “He missed you.”

I nod, “Yeah, he told me.”

“I know you’re probably pissed about some stuff that happened over the weekend and on social media.”

“You had no right to do that without speaking to me first. But this is not the place or time to talk about that. I have enough respect for your mom, I’m not going to cause a scene in her front door.”

“Then can we meet up tomorrow? I know I don’t deserve to even be speaking to you or being in my son's life but I want to be better, I want to do better for you and him.”

“I can’t tomorrow I’m busy.”

“With what?”

“That’s no concern to you at all.” Blanca says walking back towards you. “But she has a date.” She says smirking.

You turn and glare at her.

“A date? With who?” Jack asks.

You shake your head, “No, nope, not doing this with you. Is your mom home? I’d like to say bye to her and thank her for looking out for Adrian.”

“She’s taking a call.”

You nod, “Well I’ll be heading out.”

“Control your bitch next time. Don’t be having her under my nephews pictures. It’s messed up what you did. She feels some type of way, I’ll knock some sense into her if she comes near Adrian again.” Blanca tells him.

You hold back a laugh. “B come on let’s go.”

“Y/N, just text me the details of when we can meet.”

“I don’t have your number, I’ll reach out to Clay.” You say and head towards your car.

You don’t wait to see if he said anything else, you just wanted to leave. You didn’t even notice your cousin didn’t even follow after you.

You’re inside your car with your son and best friend.

“She’s probably laying it on him.” Drea says.

“Yup.”

*******

“Y/N is too nice but she has me, I’m not letting you hurt her or Adrian. If you’re not planning on being in his life one hundred, then don’t give that little boy hope.” Blanca tells Jack, staring him down.

“All due respect, that's none of your business, that’s between Y/N and me.”

Blanca chuckles, “You have no rights, Y/N is the one who decides who comes around Adrian, you should’ve known introducing your little girlfriend without asking Y/N first, was a mistake.”

“I didn’t mean to push any buttons. But I do have a life and if he’s going to be in mine, he needs to meet everyone from my circle, including my girl.” He says getting annoyed.

Blanca laughs, “Would you be okay if she introduced Adrian to her date tomorrow? Not that she will. But I can bet money that you’d feel some type of way.”

“Again, none of your business what we do with our son.”

“Este pendejo.” She’s glaring at Jack. “Do whatever you want man. But keep your bitch away from my nephew. I have no problem knocking her and Neelam out.” She says and walks away but not without flipping him off.

Jack is standing outside of his parents' doorstep and watches as you drive off with your son.

As soon as your car is out of the neighborhood. Jack is texting his best friend Urban.

Jack: Meet me tomorrow.

Urb: For?

Jack: Baby mama has a date.

Urb: ????

Jack: I want to see who it is.

Urb: NO!!!

Jack: Bro come on!!!!

Urb: Fine 🙄 🤦🏼‍♂️

Jack smiles and heads inside the house and starts planning what he’s going to do once he sees you on your little date.

He might have a girlfriend at home. But he has a son and he can admit he misses you and will try hard to get his family back. No one will stop him and his plans, not even Blanca.

•

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[lionheartslowstart]

POA

Something happened recently that has caused me to confront the fact that I am truly disabled. It's not that I didn't know I was, of course I have since the autism diagnosis, but I really, and I mean really, got hit in the face with it.

I'll explain.

I can't go into too much detail regarding the actual circumstances, but the long and short of it is that I had to give my parents power of attorney in order to solve a housing issue. I trust parents completely and I know it's not something they would ever abuse. They made it clear to me that should I ever want to dissolve it, we could do that, and that the sole purpose for getting it was to avoid any houses issues now and in the future.

We had to go to a lawyer's office to sign the document and have it notarized. It was all very official. Afterwards, I drove home, sat on my bed, and just cried.

When I received the autism diagnosis, I was diagnosed with Level 1 autism. Autism is divided into 3 different levels. However, in my research, these levels seem to pertain strictly to social skills. In this way, yes, I am a Level 1 autistic. But if we're talking about "functionality," I'm not so sure I can qualify as Level 1 anymore. (Seriously, why IS it split by social ability? That's stupid.)

I'm 30 years old, and I'm still financially dependent on my parents. At this point in my life, I can't work a full time job. As a result, I will never be financially independent, and I will never be able to afford housing on my own. I say "at this point," because maybe one day that will change, but I doubt it. And for the record, I count myself lucky I can at least work a part time job, because 85% of autistics can't work at all.

Autism is a developmental disability, and I feel that as I'm getting older, it's become more obvious. Because I'm staying the same. I mean, obviously not completely the same. I've learned and grown and matured, and my friends who have known me for over a decade always comment on how much I've changed, but that's not what I mean. I mean that I feel like an adult and a child at the same time. I mean there are certain things I can't DO, certain things I can't retain or process, because my brain just won't let me. For example, I can't set up health insurance by myself. Every time my mom tries to explain it to me, my brain glazes over. That's the best way I can explain it. And I swear, I am trying SO hard to pay attention. I can't help it. My brain just...won't.

If this is what my life looks like when I'm 30, what is it going to look like when I'm 50? 60? 70? Not good. Not a good quality of life at all.

I'm so jealous of my friends and family. I don't understand how they do it. Even my other autistic friends are able to work full time or go to school full time without incident. (I did go to college full time but I almost ended myself like 3 times and I had to take a LOT of time off throughout.) It makes me feel guilty and bad. Like a loser. A failure. And yes, I know that autism can look different in everyone. I guess this is just one of the ways it affects me personally. But even so, it's painful to watch everyone around you be fully independent, and for whatever reason that's just not you. I mean, I'm independent in other ways. I can live by myself, make my own appointments, work part-time, and form meaningful relationships. I'm really trying to focus on those things instead, but it's been difficult to stay positive. I feel like financial independence is pretty major.

I want to interject here and say that I am insanely grateful to my parents. I know how blessed I am. They are my biggest supporters, both emotionally and financially. They love me so much, and if I didn't have them I'm certain I'd be homeless, probably long dead. I know that most people don't have parents like mine, let alone autistic people. I thank them all the time and tell them how guilty I feel and reassure them that I'm not lazy or spoiled, that I take their support very seriously. And they always assure me that they know, and not to worry about it, and they just want me to be happy.

But I do worry about it. My parents have wasted so much money on keeping me alive, it makes me physically ill. If I wasn't around, they'd have more money in their pockets for other things. They wouldn't have to worry about me all the time. I genuinely feel like they'd be better off without me, at least in the long run.

Like I said, the thoughts have been real dark lately, y'all. I've been extremely depressed since we instated the POA. This is my reality.

I don't know if my friends will still want to be friends with me in 10 years. Even my autistic friends. I don't like that I'll most likely never be financially independent. It is my greatest shame and I wish so badly it wasn't true.

People who insist autism is a fad and that people fake it for attention or whatever can eat my entire ass.

I would do anything, and I mean anything, to not be autistic.

[atwooozi]

gojo x reader

Chapter 17: Stay With Me

summary: Over pizza and a lighthearted TV show, Ai notices a rare vulnerability in Gojo that draws them closer. As the night progresses, the two share quiet moments, from sorting through photos to watching a bizarre horror movie.

genre: modern AU, slice of life, comedy, eventual romance, eventual smut, some angst

A/N:

Hello again! We're actually getting to a point where I need to start writing up some fresh chapters. The ending for this half of the story is in sight but we still need to connect everything to make it work if that makes sense. I'm really excited and proud of what I've created and to those who are reading it thank you for following this story like you have.

The song for this week's chapter is iconic if you love city pop. It's called 真夜中のドア/Stay With Me by Miki Matsubara . Whenever this song comes up for me on shuffle I always find myself a bit nostalgic but happy. I feel that while we don't know much from Gojo's perspective the lyrics kind of capture what he's thinking.

READ ON AO3

When Gojo had come back from the gym, Ai and Geto were sitting in front of the TV with a pizza box in between them, watching Takeshi’s Castle. Ai looked towards the door when she heard it open and she smiled Gojo’s way, giving him a small wave. 

When Gojo opened the door, he looked somber–if Ai hadn’t seen it herself, she wouldn’t have believed it. As he entered, he looked as if he was carrying the world upon his shoulders, but when he noticed that someone was there to welcome him home, it was as if he had become weightless. Ai wasn’t so deluded as to think that it was only because of her presence–after all, his best friend was there, in addition to a warm meal. 

Ai also had days when she would come home to her apartment after an especially hard day of work, and at those times she likely looked similar to Gojo—longing to be greeted by someone as she walked through the door. But unlike Ai, Gojo always had to be “on”. No one cared if Ai seemed quiet or sad, but what would people say if Gojo stopped wearing that same smile, day in and day out?   

“Satoru, come eat while the pizza is still hot,” Geto called out. 

Gojo threw his gym bag off to the side and plopped himself in between Ai and Geto with a smile. 

“How many people have made it so far?” Gojo asked as he looked up at the large TV in front of them. 

Ai smiled as she watched Gojo and Geto, listening to them quietly talk about the show while she chewed on her slice of pizza. Gojo’s hair was still damp, and he had changed into more casual clothes. He seemed much more relaxed than she had ever seen him before. It made her heart feel warm. She wished she could take a picture of him at this moment and save it forever

“Ai-chan!” 

Ai jumped a bit when she heard her name. 

“W-what?” Ai huffed, she felt her cheeks flush.

“Do you want more?” Gojo asked with a smile. “I’m pretty hungry.” 

“Go ahead.” She waved her hand at him and shifted her attention to the TV.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺

Geto had left first, he said that if he didn’t leave any sooner than he did he’d end up sleeping there, and while he usually would he had some commitment in the morning that he couldn’t miss.

Ai wasn’t sure why she stayed. Maybe because she didn’t want to imagine Gojo alone with that sad look on his face. There wasn’t any other reason for her to stay otherwise so she was helping Gojo put away the pictures that she assumed Tsumiki had pulled out earlier that day.

“Those kids…” Gojo sighed as he collected some photos. “They just leave a big mess and leave.” 

Ai giggled as she handed Gojo the pile of photos that she picked up. “You call them kids but they’re only six and eight years younger than you. Technically they’re adults.”

Gojo snorted. “How adult were you at twenty?” 

Ai pursed her lips in thought and laughed. “My mom still schedules doctor appointments for me sometimes,” she admitted. 

“Exactly.” Gojo smiled gently. 

They continued to sort through the photos silently. Unlike other times when Ai would be alone with Gojo, she didn’t feel as anxious. There was tension there regarding where they stood, but the ease between them at the moment overpowered those underlying anxious feelings. For the first time, things felt comfortable, even if things weren’t clearly defined for them yet.   

“Hey Ai,” Gojo called out to her. 

Ai felt her heart jump. Gojo had called her by her name countless times now, but he dropped the honorific and without the usual bratty tone of voice it felt almost too intimate. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to run or collapse on the floor right there. 

“S-Satoru…” Ai cursed at herself for stuttering but did her best to remain cool. However, when Gojo cracked a smile at her stutter she wanted to smack him upside the head. 

There was a moment of silence between them and it made Ai want to scream. Just when she thought she could feel comfortable Gojo pulled the rug right out from under her. It was as if he knew just when to push her buttons. 

 “Part of me wondered if…” Satoru hesitated for a moment, thinking of how to phrase his words. 

Ai glanced up at him, waiting for him to continue, but his eyes flicked away from her own.

“A part of me wondered if when I came back you’d be gone.” His voice was barely above a whisper. 

There was a vulnerability in Satoru’s voice that she had never heard before. She almost felt like it was something that she wasn’t supposed to hear. She wondered how Satoru felt that night at karaoke or even when she left him at the train station…it made her heart sink. 

“I’m sorry,” Ai said in a soft voice. 

It didn’t even sound like her own. If she had heard it played back to her she would have a hard time accepting that such a sad sound had left her mouth. The sound wasn’t what she was ashamed of. She couldn't care less about that. She was ashamed of her pitiful apology. He had tried to bear his heart to her time and time again, but she pushed him away each time. She had been so frustrated that he wouldn’t open up to her, but she was the reason they were that way, and all she could say was “I’m sorry”. 

Satoru smiled down at her and gently ruffled her hair like he had many times before. Ai lifted her eyes to meet Satoru’s gaze and felt the tears well up behind her eyes as he looked at her with such undeserved tenderness. He slid his hand to cup Ai’s chin, his thumb idly rubbing against her bottom lip, which parted for him easily. 

Satoru’s eyes dropped to Ai’s mouth before speaking again, his voice falling into a low, quiet, but relaxed tone. “There’s nothing to apologize for.” 

Ai nodded her head silently. She didn’t agree with him, but she wasn’t going to beg him for forgiveness. He just wasn’t that type of person. Instead, she chose to enjoy his presence, he felt like an anchor which was funny since all of her anxieties seemed to stem from him, but in this moment, he grounded her.

“I’m glad I’m here,” she whispered. “With you.” 

Satoru’s smile softened, a warmth illuminating his features as he leaned in to press a feather-light kiss against her forehead. “Stay with me a little longer.” He murmured, his words laced with sincerity. 

And so she did…

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺

Ai was wearing a pair of Gojo’s shorts and a T-shirt. Even his casual clothes were expensive just by the way the material felt against her skin. She had a sneaking suspicion that the shirt she was wearing could cover at least half of her rent if not all of it. 

She sighed and sat down on Gojo’s plush couch, cozying up against the arm of the seat. She wanted to take up as little space as possible. The whole situation filled her with anxiety, so the smaller she could make herself, maybe the easier she could disappear. They hadn’t done anything wrong. They didn’t even kiss, but the intimacy of it all weighed heavily on her. Despite not crossing any physical boundaries, the emotional walls had started to crumble. 

“You okay, Ai-chan?” Gojo asked as he came out of his bedroom with a blanket. 

Ai flinched when she heard her name but nodded. “Mhm.” 

Gojo pursed his lips and gave Ai a skeptical look as he plopped himself down next to her. 

“You sure?” He asked teasingly as he leaned his face in closer.

“Yes,” Ai pouted as she tried to shrink away from him. “Do we have to sit like this?” 

“What do you mean?” 

Ai frowned at Gojo. “You have this big couch and you’re practically on top of me.” 

Gojo broke into a smile and laughed. “You don’t want me on top of you, Ai-chan?” 

Ai’s face flushed and she looked away from Gojo. “Just move over, Gojo…” she muttered as she crossed her arms over her chest.  

“Satoru,” he corrected as he gave Ai some space. 

Ai relaxed some when Gojo eased off of her. She watched as Gojo scrolled through a list of movies to pick from. He looked so at ease as if this was a regular day for him.

“Do you like scary movies, Ai-chan?” Gojo asked suddenly, breaking the silence. 

Ai thought about it some and shrugged. “I don’t hate them.” 

Satoru grinned. “Then we can watch my favorite movie.” He turned to the screen, hitting a button on the remote. “If you get scared I won’t laugh at you too much.” 

Ai rolled her eyes and turned her attention to the screen. “Your favorite movie is Human Earthworm Four?” 

“It’s good!” Gojo insisted. “Have you seen it?”

Ai sighed as she wondered what she had gotten herself into. “I couldn’t even get through the first one. It was so gross.”

Gojo busted out laughing, his laughter filling the room and washing away whatever tension that remained. “It’s not that bad!” he teased, giving Ai a playful nudge. “This one is more of a romance, anyway.” 

Ai gave Gojo a skeptical look. “I can’t even tell if you’re being serious or not.”  

Gojo grinned mischievously and pressed play. The opening credits rolled, and Ai could already tell that it was going to be a memorable night at least. She stole a glance at Gojo, who was leaning back comfortably, looking far too pleased with himself. 

“I’m serious, Ai-chan. This movie is a masterpiece,” Gojo said, his eyes twinkling with amusement. 

Ai sighed, she really couldn’t tell if he was messing with her or not. “Fine, I’ll give it a chance, but if I have nightmares I will never forgive you.” 

Gojo chuckled and draped the blanket over both of them. “Deal.”

As the movie progressed, Ai found herself inching closer to Satoru despite her best efforts to stay composed. Human Earthworm 4 was even more grotesque and bizarre than Ai could have imagined. Now and then, Gojo would lean in to whisper to her to see how she was holding up, and if anything that put her more on edge than the movie ever could. 

At one particularly tense moment, Ai flinched and grabbed Gojo’s arm without thinking. He looked down at her hand and then back up at her face, a smirk playing on his lips. “Scared, Ai-chan?” 

Ai quickly pulled her hand away, her cheeks burning. “No! I just–you said this was supposed to be a romance.” 

“You need to learn some patience, miss.” Gojo teased as he gently took her hand back and held it in his own, giving it a reassuring squeeze. “Just watch, I’m here with you.” 

Ai’s heart raced, but she didn’t pull away this time. Instead, she did her best to focus on the screen, trying to ignore the warmth that was spreading through her at the simple gesture. She felt like she was in high school all over again with how shy she was acting over something so simple as holding hands. 

The movie ended with a bizarre twist that left Ai more confused than anything. She turned to Gojo, narrowing her eyes at him. Was this truly his favorite movie? 

“How can you call that a romance?” 

Gojo laughed as he looked over at Ai with tender eyes. “You didn’t see the love story? It’s all about connecting with someone despite their circumstances.” 

Ai shook her head in disbelief. “You’re insane…I must have missed that part when they revealed the human earthworm babies.” She couldn’t help but break out into a smile. “But…thanks for sharing that with me.” 

“Anytime, Ai-chan,” Satoru said softly, his tone suddenly more serious. “I’m really glad you stayed.”

Ai glanced up at him, she felt that anticipation build up within her again. “Me too, Satoru.”

They sat there for a moment, just looking at each other, the mood shifting to something more intense. 

Then, Gojo broke the silence with a playful grin. “So, you ready to watch Human Earthworm Three? They make more sense this way.”

Ai groaned and threw a pillow at him. “Absolutely not!” 

Gojo laughed and held up his hands in surrender. “I was joking. No need to get violent, Ai-chan.” 

Ai huffed, settling back against the couch. She looked over at the goofy man who sat next to her and couldn’t help but smile. Oddly, she found herself feeling more relaxed than she had in a long time. Maybe it was the exhaustion from the long day that was hitting her, or maybe it was how at ease she felt with Gojo. Either way, her eyes grew heavy, and she started to drift off. 

Gojo noticed and gently adjusted the blanket around her. “Sleep, Ai-chan.” 

She mumbled something incoherent, already half-asleep, and Gojo smiled softly. He rested his head against hers, letting the sound of her gently breathing lull him into a more relaxed state. 

For the first time in a long time, Gojo hadn’t felt that loneliness that he had become accustomed to. As Ai slept beside him, he promised himself that he would do whatever it took to keep this feeling alive.  

[wishbrightdreams]

Weekly Check-in: September 13th 2024 💭

Oooh it’s Friday the 13th today! 🐈‍⬛ Spooky. Where I used to live, we had a flood of bikers come into town and take over the place for the weekend. It even made the news a few times! It was a nightmare living through that because of the noise haha. This week started out productive and on track, then in the middle of the week I fell off the rails.

⭐️ What I Accomplished:

Got through more of my hospice volunteer training course, I’m making good progress!

Booked an MRI appointment at the local hospital instead of the one in the big city that’s an hour away. Even though I have to wait longer, I dread having to commute into the city

I also cancelled a follow up appointment that was going to be at the end of the month that would also be in the same city, I wouldn’t have gotten the necessary tests done yet so I saw no point in going and wasting another whole day and then telling me nothings changed

Had a phone appointment with my family doctor (she lives in a different county 2 and a half hours away), we can’t get a new family doctor where I live right now (it sucks!) and I got some skin cream and prescribed muscle relaxants

Did a little bit of organizing my closet space situation (not finished it yet though)

Made Pillsbury Cinnabons (kinda burnt them lol)

Had no alcohol (can’t afford it right now so it’s easy to avoid haha)

Did some more robotic affirmations affirming sessions every day

😅 Things That Could Have Gone Better

I was very tired this week and slept a lot, I’m not sure if it’s my meds or what. The changing of the seasons mess with my mood and makes me more sleepy

I changed my ADHD/Autism coach session to next month (I only meet with them once a month because that’s what I can afford)

I’ve been feeling more stressed and on edge lately, I think I’m absorbing my parents energy because when they leave the house, I go back to feeling stable again 🤷🏻‍♀️

Because of me feeling more stressed, my eating habits haven’t been that great lately (been eating a lot of pizza and stuff)

Could have had more alone time, parents weren’t feeling great so they cancelled their outing

Fell off with my volunteer hospice coursework in the middle of the week

Slacked on my chores

Didn’t go out at all this week (stayed inside pretty much all of the time)

Didn’t do any meditation sessions

🗓️ Plans For The Weekend:

Finish decluttering my bookshelves and nightstand

If I have the energy and focus, I’ll deep clean my bedroom

Catch up on chores

Get through some more modules of my hospice volunteer training coursework

Have a spirit guide meditation session (30 mins) + get back into the gateway tapes

This week started out promising, then it fell off. I hope my mom will feel better after going to a friends house for the weekend. Things have been quite tense lately because of money and such. We’re okay, it’s just tight right now because we’re not getting any sales on our medical grade red light machines. I need to get better at protecting my energy, I’m too lenient when it comes to my parents (especially my mother) and I let their energies affect me a lot. I know it will improve once I am volunteering at the local hospice, as I won’t be around my parents all day (they work from home) and will have a new change of scenery. If anyone has any helpful tips on how to protect one’s energy I’d love to hear it!

See ya next time, dreamers ✨

[goldeneyedgirl]

@sonyawixI am so so sorry about your earring. If it's a pair or you have a photo, I know there are people on etsy who can recreate one for you!

However, let me see what I can do...

divorced jalice.

He braces himself on the deck railing as he stares out into the night. He looks haunted, honestly, and she almost feels bad for him. 

“That wasn’t how I wanted you to find out,” she begins gently, and he just shakes his head. 

“How long?” His voice is hoarse and for a moment she wonders if he’s fighting back tears. “How long has this been going on?”

“Six and a half years.” She moves closer slowly, like he’s a wild animal, too easily spooked. “My doctor is great, I’m doing well. I just wanted Carlisle’s opinion on if I needed to bump up an appointment, it isn’t a big deal.”

He still hasn’t looked at her. 

“When did you find out?” He’s so tense, she’s surprised he hasn’t hit something yet. 

“Six and a half years ago,” she replies. Don’t get specific, Jasper, you’ll just upset yourself. Please.

“Before or… after?”

That’s when he looks at her, and the raw pain in his eyes cuts her. She wants to lie to him, offer him some comfort, but she can’t and she won’t. She’s been protecting him from the full picture for so long, has let him live with the easy reality that she gave up on him and on them because he was an addict and a cheater.

She moves closer to him. “Why does that matter?”

He shakes his head. “Because the fact that you were… you were that fucking sick and I didn’t notice? That you had to walk away from everything… god, I know Rose and Bella cut you out. I know they blamed you for months until Rose worked out that I was having an affair, and then we couldn’t fucking find you. You could have been dead and I wouldn’t have known…”

“You were still my next of kin, you would have been told,” she offers lamely, and he just stares at her again. 

“You had no one, Alice. You didn’t even have your own home,” he says through gritted teeth. “When did you know?”

“Before the divorce was finalised.” The words she says are firm, determined and they both know that she’s dancing around the truth, and he feels so sick. 

“It was why you left, wasn’t it?”

She closes her eyes to steel herself for what she says next. “I… I knew that nothing was going to change between us until you knew you had a problem. Maria hurt my ego, but the drugs Jas… They changed you. And I could manage that better when I was healthy but when I found out that it was serious, I realised that I needed to … to put on my own life vest first. How ugly do you think it would have gotten if I had stayed? My recovery was long, Jasper. It would have been a disaster. I made the best choice I could with what I had.”

He nods once but he looks so miserable, she wants to hold him.

“Why didn’t you tell everyone the truth? About everything?” He finally asks. “You know Esme and Carlisle would have taken care of you, and Bella, and…”

“Because they were your family and you needed them. My family came through for me when I needed them to.”

“With money. Health insurance. Have you actually seen them in person?” His voice is laced with anger and she feels tired. She didn’t want this conversation to happen like this. She had it planned out, had it prepared in nice, easy pieces so that it didn’t have to hurt like this. 

The best laid plans. 

“No, Mom and I email each other. I think she sent flowers once? Maybe she just talked about it. But I didn’t want to see them, Jasper. If healthcare in this country wasn’t so awful, I wouldn’t have spoken to them at all.”

“So you were alone.”

“Jasper, I honestly wasn’t well enough to care or notice for most of it. You’re making this a much bigger deal than it is.” That’s when she reaches out to touch his arm, but he pulls away. 

“I need to go,” he says suddenly, straightening. He still isn’t looking at her. “I just… need to go.”

“No.” She’s shaking her head and turning back to go inside, for the whole Cullen family to look at her with pity and curiosity in their eyes. “I’ll go. You stay here with your family, and you call Peter, okay? I’ll call an Uber and we’ll talk in a couple of days. I don’t want to be the reason you break your sobriety, okay?”

--

deaf mary-alice.

Seeing Jasper again is like... it's like the world is back in colour. It's a cliche, thinking like that, but she can't help it - she missed him so bad it was like someone had taken off a limb. She just kind of... adapted. It was easier knowing that he was safe and he was healing; she could watch her and see him getting better, and she convinced herself that it was selfish to want anything more than his safety and happiness. That it was enough to keep her going.

How many times had Maria and the other older soldiers reminded her that no one had any use for a defective vampire? That she would make any coven vulnerable and they'd turn her away, and that she was safer with Maria?

(The last night was supposed to be special but it all went wrong. They only got a little while to sit and talk before it was over. She regretted that. She wanted to send him off with the memory of her touch, with her kiss. That he would remember that he was treasured. Instead... well, sometimes the future changes and she just has to live with that.)

She lives in a quiet world with everyone gone. Maria still talks to her, but mostly she's expected to lip-read and that's all orders and stuff. No one wants a conversation, so she just stops bothering. Maria lets her keep the Major's quarters and his books. At lot of them are hard to understand, and slow to read, but she tries. She draws a lot, when there's chalk and paper. She fights and trains and hunts. It's a small life, a quiet life, but it's hers. The future doesn't show her ever having anything more, so she just appreciates what she has.

What she had.

It's been decades by the time that Peter and Charlotte just... show up. She's never been so pleased to see them before, talking to Maria like they didn't flee in terror. She cannot help herself, the way she half-tackles them, hugging them so tightly. They look wonderful and Peter laughs at her, fumbles through what he remembers of her language, and Charlotte seems a little sad at her excitement.

(Charlotte's wearing a top that has little flowers on it, it's clean, and she smells so nice. Even shoes! And fancy little pins for her hair!)

She's not paying attention to Maria's conversation with Peter until Maria taps her shoulder and signs the words.

You can go North with Peter and Charlotte, Mary-Alice. You've done well.

It's the biggest compliment that Maria has ever given her and the words take a moment to settle her brain. North? 

Charlotte smiles at her and tells her, she can go and see the Major. 

And that was terrifying. North to see the Major. 

She'd nearly asked to stay with Maria. 

What if... what if the Major didn't want her? What if he'd forgotten her?

What if he had a mate? She hadn't checked on him in a while - sometimes it was hard - and maybe the Cullens had found him some pretty girl who could talk and hear and sing.

Her stomach had been in knots and it had taken every ounce of her bravery to agree to go North. Something new, something different.

(She couldn't bring herself to Look because she was terrified about what she would find.)

And then she got there, arrived at him home, and he remembered her. 

He remembered her and he was happy to see her. He had missed her, he still cared. 

(He still knew their words, still smelt the same, and held her so tight like he was making sure she couldn't get away. It was like the world had flipped the right way up.)

She presses herself so close to him, holds him so tight, only lets go to speak. “Maria sent me, said I could come be with you now. You went north and I was lonely. No one spoke to me like you.”

She doesn't even care about the Cullens watching them, watching her tell him she missed him and loved him, watching his hands fall into the old words. 

(The Cullens are... nice. She remembers them from her early visions, and what she knows of them, they are no threat. She can lipread some of what they say; she can see their eyes follow how she holds onto Jasper, how eagerly she speaks with him. But they smile and welcome her into the house, into the home, and maybe something is finally going right for her. Maybe the world just got a little bit bigger).

--

anathema.

We sat together on the couch, talking about superficial topics at first - he went by Jasper Hale, not Cullen, as part of their cover story of adopted and fostered children. He had drawn the short straw, and had to attend Forks as a sophomore this year - luckily, the school year was more than half over. He was originally from Texas, but the Cullens’ most recent residence was Alaska. 

“That night in the field when you fainted,” Jasper began. “You mentioned something… you have some kind of gift?”

I nodded. “I sometimes get knowledge of things that might happen,” I said, twisting to face him on the couch, crossing my legs. “I might wake up with the absolute certainty that a client is going to smash a vase, or that Charlie Swan is going to have a flat tire. It very, very rarely happens when I’m awake.”

“But it did the other night?” Jasper looked so serious. “It caused a seizure.”

I looked at my lap. “When decisions change rapidly, my mind just shuts down,” I explained. “I kind of just… shut down. It’s happened before, but that was kind of an extreme episode. I’m fine.”

He watches me with this look on his face that I cannot decipher; almost affectionate. He reaches out to gently take my hand. 

“As long as you’re okay.” 

—

The Cullens come over to speak with Freddie on Friday night, and I am buzzing -  I can’t stop moving and fussing and asking questions, and Dulcie is going to strangle me when I am too nervous to eat dinner. 

I break two plates washing the dishes, and Freddie is quick to redeploy me to drying up before we run out of flatware.

“You’ll stay up here for the meeting, Alice,” he informs me with a sternness that is alien to me, when he catches me watching the clock. 

“What?” I promptly drop a mug, and Dulcie plucks the dishcloth out of my hands. “But…”

“No buts. This discussion does not involve you,” he says. “Go and study, make sure that you make a convincing high school student.” He’s sour tonight, grim, and I am reminded of the days after Jeanie’s death. 

I am desperate to see Jasper again, but I don’t want to push my uncle too far. I don’t want this to hurt him more than it already is. 

“Can I call Cynthia?” I ask, as I pause to get myself a soda out of the fridge - more habitual than anything else. 

“Tomorrow,” Dulcie says kindly, and nods for me to leave.

My room seems small and stale now that I am virtually trapped in it for the evening. I have the little drawing Jasper did of me on the scrap of paper taped to my mirror, and the flowers he brought me that have wilted. Nothing Freddie would notice as out of place. Dulcie tells me my bedroom reminds her of a thrift store - so many little treasures cluttering up the surfaces. It’s a good way to hide things in plain sight. 

I could watch a movie in the living room, but that holds less appeal than my room. Instead, I pick up the books Dulcie bought me, left stacked neatly on my desk. They don’t hold my interest for more than a casual flip through - I was never taught Spanish or Algebra, and I have little patience for History, or for Chemistry, especially when I handle chemicals every day of my life. I should be working my way through the reading list Sue brought over, but it’s dull work and almost enough to convince me not to bother with high school at all. 

But Jasper…

I am making my way bravely through Romeo and Juliet when Dulcie brings me in a slice of cake, her hand running through my curls gently. “He worries so much about you,” she said kindly. “He’s just nervous.”

I nod, taking a bite of the cake before I reply. “I know, it’s just… different. I know with my whole heart that Jasper would burn this town to the ground before he hurt me. I am never more safe than I am when I’m with him.”

—

Dulcie is officially my partner in crime; the door isn’t latched, so there’s no sound as I creep out of the apartment and down to the landing. 

I crouch on the landing of the stairs; with the lights off, Freddie and Jeanie couldn’t spot me but the Cullens do and Carlisle winks at me. I probably look like a child, with my hair in curly pigtails and in a giant pink sweater. 

“Alice is a child,” Freddie insisted, looking older than I had ever seen him. “She might not look like it but…”

“How old is Alice?” Carlisle asked gently, and Freddie looked at the ground. 

“You need to tell them the truth, Fred,” Dulcie said gently. “If nothing else, they can protect her when we can’t.”

“Protect her from what?” Edward asks, and I want to echo that question. 

Freddie takes a shuddering breath. “Her mother… Alice’s father was a vampire that stalked and raped her mother. Lilian did not survive the birth, and Alice was… not a normal child.”

“That’s impossible.” The blonde, Rosalie, snaps but Carlisle holds his hand up. 

“Please, Mr Brandon, continue.”

“She grew so fast - by her first birthday, she looked like a perfectly healthy three year old. We brought her here to Forks because Jeanne had a family home out near Noah Bay. When she was born, she was… she was aware of us. Does that make sense? She reached for her mother, but Lillian was dead by then. 

“She didn’t eat for weeks because she … she wanted blood. That was our line in the sand, we couldn’t do that for her. I have no idea how Jeanne managed to get her to take milk and human food, but we got past it. Jeanne always wondered if Alice was so small because we accidentally stunted her growth.”

My hands were shaking.

No one had ever told me any of this before. 

[jedi-bird]

I am trying to get ready to sleep because I'm very tired and have to get up early tomorrow and my brain has decided that now is the time to remember horrible things.

I got told recently by someone close to me that I couldn't possibly understand how much grief weights on you or how guilt eats at you. I didn't take it well. Because no, how could I understand?

How could I know what it's like when I was the one home alone when my grandma stopped breathing? When my family yelled at me for stepping out the room for a moment to grab the stamps that they had asked me to get. When they yelled at me for not trying harder. None of them know what it's like to forcibly break the ribs of the one who raised you and loved you unconditionally. None of them had to deal with calling for help while also having to manhandle your loved one onto the floor. The thud of her head hitting never leaves me. They told me I didn't do enough, that I failed, that I didn't care. The dispatcher was the only one who told me that I was going to be okay and that I was doing everything correctly. I got yelled at for not calling family fast enough, despite spending the entire time on the phone getting talked through life saving measures. My mom yelled that if I had just stayed in the room she wouldn't have left us.

Except I did do everything right and it was never going to be enough. It took years to realize that and come to terms with it.

I get told that that was different. That I needed to let it go. I've made peace with the past as much as I'll probably ever, but no. Clearly I'll never understand.

I try not to compare what I went through with what others experience. Everyone experiences grief in unique ways. It is not my place to say what hurts one person but not another.

It galls me that they think it's okay to do that to me.

I am the only one in the family who understands the medical terms used at doctor's appointments. I am the only one who knows the difference between procedures and testing. I know what various bandages are for and the best places to find them. I know how to clean wounds and keep things as sterile as possible in a home setting. I've had to explain what each life saving measure meant; they didn't believe me until the nurse told them all what I said word for word.

I don't know why my brain decided to think about this tonight but it's maddening. I don't want to stay up late thinking and worrying and trying to find peace again. I want to sleep. I am going to try and if it's not possible then I'm getting up and writing; I will not sit in bed all night again pretending to sleep.

Sometimes, I really hate my brain.

[maeswritingnook]

A New Chapter In Our Story

Prompt: Jake and Sherry get a new job positions and have to move their family, but they get a fresh start

Warning(s): None

Rating: E

“I am ready to have a home and not just a house though." Sherry smiled and took one last look at the apartment.

"I just, I never imagined this for me-for us. Don't get me wrong, I love you and I'm so madly in love with our little boy, but I feel like I'm dreaming. I never thought we would slow down a little, get married, have a kid, and now have an official home. I got so used to the fast pace that nothing like this ever crossed my mind."

Ao3 Link

Edit September 2023: Just realized in all my other parts Jake doesn’t have a mom so I had to fix that haha

Packing was something Sherry did better when she was alone because when she was in go mode, she was in go mode. She was packing up all the last-minute things they need for their move. They were moving from Washington to Boston. Even with her foot in a boot due to a broken ankle, she received from her last mission, she was kicking ass right now.

Chris, Claire, and Leon had made a couple of trips down to Boston with Sherry to help her move a lot of stuff while Jake stayed back with their son. Sherry figured it was better for Jake to stay back with their seven-month-old so his schedule wouldn't be thrown off.

Leon and Chris had come over right after Jake left so they could take all the bedroom furniture and the last of Aiden's bedroom furniture.

Their son did have an appointment that day so Sherry had Jake take him while she stayed back and packed all the things that they had left at the apartment so they could still live there until they had to leave for Boston.

The move was something very last minute, they only had a month to prepare. After the Chef of the DSO Boston headquarters offered Jake and Sherry a new position there, they had to hurry and find a house.

They were lucky to find a house that wasn't too far away from their new office and big enough for the three of them to live very comfortably.

The decision was hard on Sherry and Jake but since they had worked with the Boston team many times before and every mission they had helped the Boston team on was a success, and the fact that they knew how things operated over there, helped them come to a decision.

____________________________________

Jake❤️

Hey, just finished up here with Rebecca, are Aiden and I allowed to come home yet?

SuperWife🤍💍

Ha! I know you're joking but no actually. Can you two stay out for a while? I need to focus and get Aiden's room done and I can't do that with you two here. You are both too distracting.

Jake❤️

You know what, I'm gonna take that as a compliment...I guess Aiden and I will find something to do. Need me to pick anything up when I am allowed to come home?

SuperWife🤍💍

Of course, you are...and yes, please! I need more tape for all the boxes I've already packed. Also, send me a picture of our kid, I haven't seen him today!

Jake❤️

Okay and will do! Let me know if you need anything else.

____________________________________

Sherry put her phone back in her pocket and looked at her son's room and sighed, she had started packing clothes, diapers, and other things like that the night before when he was asleep. She knew his room was going to take her a while, not only because of how much stuff he had but because of how emotional it was for her.

After about two and a half hours, Sherry could hear the sound of the door being opened and closed.

"We're back!" Jake called out from the front door. He was shocked to see almost everything packed and ready to go.

"I'm in Aiden's room!" Sherry called back. Jake smiled and then walked through the small, almost completely empty, apartment to their son's room.

"Looks like you've been doing a lot of work while we were gone, supergirl." Jake chuckled.

"I've been putting off his room all morning, it's kinda sad to take all his things down and put them in boxes." Sherry looked around at the almost empty nursery. It made her sad to see all his pictures and things put away.

"Hey, how was his appointment?" Sherry asked, bringing her attention to her son and husband and away from packing for a minute.

Jake smiled and kissed Sherry's head before sitting down on the floor next to her.

"It went very well. Rebecca just said to bring him back one to two times a month so she can check him out."

Since both Jake and Sherry were genetically modified and had active cells of the C and G virus living and flowing through their body, Aiden was born with both the C and G virus mutations in his blood. Rebecca was always checking Aiden out to make sure he was okay since he could be considered a BOW because he had both the G and C viruses. So far, he was harmless and they wanted to keep it that way.

"Okay, that's good." Sherry smiled as she took Aiden out of his car seat. "You look wide awake bubs. Did you just wake up from a nap?" Sherry smiled at her son. His blue-grey eyes were wide open and his red hair was a little messy meaning he took a very good nap.

"He took a two-hour nap. I went to the office to sign some last-minute papers and I went to go get more tape like you asked me to and he slept the whole time which is kind of surprising. I was also going to get you flowers but I felt like now wasn't a good time because, well, you know," Jake added. Sherry looked over at Jake and smiled before kissing him.

Ever since they were dating, Jake would bring home flowers for Sherry if he was out without her. He did it on their wedding day, on their honeymoon, and every day she was in the hospital whenever Aiden was born.

"You are the best husband ever." Sherry giggled as she got up with Aiden and walk to the kitchen.

Jake smiled at Sherry's compliment before getting up and following her to the kitchen. He leaned against the kitchen island and watched as Sherry open the cabinet doors and tippy-toed to reach the top shelf.

"Want me to take him?" Jake asked as he saw Sherry getting some glass plates out of the kitchen cupboards.

"Umm, I think he's okay for now, he seems like he will stay still, but can you help me grab the plates please?" Sherry answered as she looked down at her son who seems pretty content and happy with just playing with the necklace she was wearing.

"Hey, we're staying at your Claire and Leon tonight, right?" Sherry asked as she wrapped the dishes in some towels as Jake handed them to her so they wouldn't break during transport.

"Yeah, we can head over to her house as soon as we're done here."

The kitchen only took her about half an hour to pack and luckily for her, Aiden hadn't gotten upset or bored yet but she still needed to hustle.

After Jake took all the kitchen boxes down to the car, Sherry walked over to the last remaining things in the living room and grabbed a pacifier for her son since he was starting to get a little fussy. She sat him on her hip and closed her eyes to think.

She could hear Jake walking back into the apartment and towards her, probably to ask if she was okay or to make a snarky remark.

"Don't say anything. I need you to shut up for a minute so I can make sure I got everything from his room and our room." Sherry's tone was soft, she wasn't by any means trying to be rude, she just need to picture everything in her head to make sure she got everything from the bedrooms.

"There is still a box in our bathroom. Can you go grab it please while I finish up things in here?" Sherry asked as she opened her eyes.

"Yes ma'am." Jake smiled as he went to go do what he was asked. As Jake walked off, Aiden grabbed Sherry's face and smiled at her even though he had a pacifier in his mouth. Even he could tell that his mama was upset and tense.

"You look too much like your daddy." Sherry smiled as she moved Aiden from her left to her right.

"You wanna play while Mama finishes packing?" Aiden smiled up at his mom and then rested his head on her chest as if he was hugging her. He was the sweetest little baby and it melted her heart.

Sherry walked to the few boxes that she had packed the night before and looked threw them for Aiden's toys.

"Baby, do you know where Aiden's toys are?" Sherry called out. "Leon told me that he took some of the boxes by the door this morning so he might have taken them," Jake responded before he walked back to the living room and put the box he was asked to grab by the front door with the other boxes Sherry had packed.

"Now what do we do to keep him occupied?" Sherry looked around at the empty apartment hoping that there was something to keep him in a good mood and occupied for about an hour.

"Here, look." Jake took Aiden from Sherry and put him in an empty box and put his blanket over him. Aiden pulled the blanket down and looked at his dad and giggled.

"Jake, you can't do that." Sherry laughed. "Why not? It's keeping him in one place and he seems pretty happy." Jake defended himself.

"Or I can also do this." Jake grabbed one of the flaps from the box and started pulling his son around in the box.

The baby's laughter only grew louder and wilder. Sherry couldn't help but laugh herself as she watch Jake pull their child around in a box.

"Why don't you take a break and play with him and I can do some packing, you've been on your feet all day, your ankle has to be killing you."

"My ankle is killing me, but I want to keep going, I just want to keep my mind occupied," Sherry answered as she walked over to Jake and Aiden and gave them both a kiss before going back to work.

After an hour of hard work and help from her husband, the house was finally empty. No family pictures, no baby toys scattered around the living room, nothing. Their apartment was 100% empty.

"Where is your gun?" Jake asked Sherry after he came back from putting the last box in the car.

"I left it in the closet while I packed. Yours?" Sherry asked as she grabbed her keys and put her shoe on.

"Mine is in the car's glove box, I didn't feel the need to bring it in."

"Can you put him in his car seat while I go grab mine from the closet and do one final sweep to make sure I got everything?" Sherry asked before she passed Aiden over to Jake.

Jake smiled and happily put his son in his car seat. "We're gonna go spend the night with your grandma so you gotta sleep through the night. Deal?"

Aiden looked up at his dad and smiled.

"Are you ready to go?" Jake asked Sherry as he picked up their son's car seat from the floor and watched her walk back into the living room. Sherry looked back at her husband with a bittersweet smile.

"No...We've lived in this apartment since we were dating and this is the plane we brought Aiden to after he was born. It's bittersweet for me." Sherry admitted truthfully.

"I mean, I know this place isn't home, but I'm still a little sad," Sherry added. Jake put Aiden's car seat back down and then went to go hug Sherry. He knew Sherry didn't do well with change so he knew how difficult this was on her.

"I know, but it's going to be okay. You're allowed to be sad, supergirl." Jake cupped Sherry's face in both hands before kissing her.

"I am ready to have a home and not just a house though." Sherry smiled and took one last look at the apartment.

"I just, I never imagined this for me-for us. Don't get me wrong, I love you and I'm so madly in love with our little boy, but I feel like I'm dreaming. I never thought we would slow down a little, get married, have a kid, and now have an official home. I got so used to the fast pace that nothing like this ever crossed my mind."

Sherry had always wanted to settle down before she met Jake, but when they got together she wasn't in a rush at all. She liked the fast pace of life and had never given a thought about getting married, starting a family, and having a home.

"I know how you feel. Before you, I never thought I would slow down or be the person I am today, but after I spent a good two years with you I knew one day we would slow down, but I didn't expect the kid or the home." Jake looked down at Sherry and laughed before kissing her again.

"Two years?" Sherry teased and laughed when she saw that Jake got flustered.

"You know what I mean! I knew I wanted to marry you after our very first date. It was after two years I realized that I was ready to settle down." Jake tilted Sherry's chin up before giving her a quick kiss.

It was reassuring to Sherry to hear that Jake felt the same way as she did, to know that he thought the same as she did.

"Okay, I'm ready now." Sherry looked back over her shoulder and took in the fact that this chapter of their life was over.

"You sure?" Jake wanted to make sure that his wife was ready to officially leave.

"Yeah, I'm ready. I'm also getting hungry and Claire said she would start making dinner at 5:00 and it's almost 5:30." Sherry nudged Jake's shoulder with hers before she grabbed her son's car seat and opened the apartment door.

“Claire is cooking? Hell yes! Let go!”

[bots-and-cons]

Stressed, tired and dealing with grief

I know the title probably makes it sound worse than it actually is, but I just need to vent, because I've had a bit of a rough week. I'll try to post something tomorrow, because I don't like leaving the blog alone for this long. Also I can deal with crap by writing so it's a win-win I guess. The stuff below might be a bit of a ramble, but eeeh

Venting starts here btw

There has been a lot going on during the past week and being at my mom's and looking after my little sister really drained me, because I didn't get a single minute alone for six days, aside from sleeping and I didn't do much of that either. My social battery is already nonexistent to begin with and then you add to that no sleep, it's not a good combination. I'm probably not going to my mom's for a couple of weeks, since I can't really deal with my two youngest siblings until I recharge.

On other news, my grandma on my dad's side died a couple of years back in June, and her husband, my grandpa is in a nursing home. I don't visit him much, because I can't really handle it well. He doesn't remember any of us anymore, not even my dad, and it's just way too much for me to handle most of the time.

Anyway, today we went to clean out their old house and it was pretty hard. I didn't really realize it right then, but now that I'm getting tired and have stopped for the day, it's kind of hitting me. We found so many old things that I played with when I was a kid, clothes that I remember my grandma wearing, actual physical photographs were stuffed into every cabinet and corner, and I found all kinds of stuff. I didn't really stop to look at them though, I couldn't really handle it. I looked at one photo for a while, my grandma smiling, wearing that blue flower dress that she liked. That's how I'd like to remember her though, smiling. I know she loved me, even though I didn't hear it for a long time before she died, because she stopped talking. I'll always love her and even though the grief raises its head occasionally, I'll get through it somehow.

Another thing that's been getting to me is the anniversary of Technoblade's death. He died last year at the very end of June. I don't normally get attached to youtubers or streamers, or people on the internet I don't personally interact with, but I guess in his case it was different. I started watching Technoblade when I was still pretty badly depressed, and he was a big source of fun and joy for me. He was one of my comfort youtubers and I still watch his old videos occasionally. I just watched a few old animations about him and hearing his voice literally made me cry.

There's a lot that's stressing me out right now and my grandma's death anniversary among other things just happened to trigger a bit of an emotional avalanche. I've been keeping all this crap in since the beginning of June and it's now all rising to the surface, because I'm tired and don't have the strength to keep it at bay anymore. Also me overburdening myself doesn't help this situation at all, so I'll probably sort of refrain from most social contacts next week and try to take it easy. I'll make some good food, bake something for my birthday (12th of July) and maybe go get ice cream with my bff. I also have an appointment with my mental health counselor/nurse on Monday, so that's gonna help the situation a lot too.

Stay hydrated y'all and thanks if you read all this :D

[iamjustcara]

My dad died at 72 on 12/31/19 after his 2nd massive heart attack. It was hard, but as a family we got through it and even moved my mom to Memphis to live in a house right next door to me. She was out of shape and overweight but did fine in her house on her own for 2 years.

Then in Nov 2022, at 74, she fell and broke her femur, requiring intramedullary nail for the fracture and full time rehab. Rehab that isn’t going well. Rehab that has been derailed by a bladder infection that made her throw up and prevented her from eating and required 5 days in a real hospital. Rehab that was derailed further when she got Covid at the ER while waiting for bladder infection treatment. She’s finally back at rehab, free from her 2-weeks of Covid quarantine, but she’s throwing up again. And on it goes. It’s always something.

I whine about all this to say: this is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life and it’s not even happening TO me. I’m powerless, I’m helpless, I’ve got no control of her treatment and it feels like I’ve got no control of my own life b/c I spend so much time visiting her and worrying about her comfort and going to her appointments.

People: stay active. Walk your ass down the driveway every day. It will make a difference. Get up, get out, move around and use your body. Sure actual exercise is good for you but movement of any kind will help. My mom will likely never walk unassisted again. My mom can’t come home and live alone and I can’t be her personal home aid. She’s going through this medically but I’m going through something too.

Being a caregiver (really I’m a care supporter) is slowly killing parts of me. And I am mad. I’m mad that my parents never followed instructions after previous surgeries to be active. All they had to do was walk around the block everyday. They never did. I’m mad that nothing seems to go right for my mom since she fell and all the lofty goals of being back to “normal” in 6-8 months have evaporated.

I’m mad that my two brothers and I haven’t met up to discuss things. Even when the older one showed up in town unannounced last week he didn’t tell me his plans so I never even saw him. I’m mad that I can’t focus on critical things in my own life because everything has become dependent on my care obligations. I wash her laundry bc she’s got sensitive skin and needs special detergent. I bought her new clothes so she wouldn’t be in the rehab gym in her ratty old house clothes. I haul shit over from her house to make her more comfortable in the rehab room. I leave work to go to appointments with her, to hold her hand when she cries. I do all this shit but it’s not enough to change any god damn thing.

Nothing is going to be changed. I’m locked into this bullshit until mom finally gives up and dies. There is no fucking escape. The brothers aren’t going to hold her hand and rush up there when she calls scared and crying it for my dead dad. My role in this position was set in motion when I was born the only daughter. And I’m fucking mad.

I love my mom. Living next door to her was a dream come true. But I’m killing myself trying to support her and I’m mad that I can’t let myself step away. I know I don’t have to be the caretaker, but if my dad ever found out I abandoned my mom he’d be so disappointed. As he died in Vanderbilt hospital I held his hand and promised him I’d take care of mom. So I have to keep going. I do my best and I acknowledge that my best changes from day to day.

I’m mad at my mom for being old and out of shape. I’m mad that she had surgery, followed by an infection, followed by Covid. I’m mad at myself for not adjusting into this new role easily. I am not a parent, I have no experience guiding someone to make good decisions and try her hardest. I’m not trained in this at all but now I’m fucking stuck in it.

I’m so mad