#I got bullied by all the guys in my grade for being trans and the girls didn’t seem against that fact

[skid-the-mighty-poet]

[k0dante]

My experience as an underage pansexual trans guy

As I am writing this, I am 14-years-old. It’s the 7th of December, and my birthday is in one month. I am a trans guy, and have known that since I was 12. I hate that fact about myself. I am writing this as a way to let it all out. To tell my story, and what led to my realisation. What happened after.

I don’t remember that much from my early childhood. But I do remember being told a lot to be more “ladylike” by my parents and grandparents. Or I am just imagining that. That’s also a possibility. Wouldn’t be the first time. I remember wearing a lot of dresses, and liking them. I don’t think I actually liked wearing them, just how they looked. I still like how dresses look, but just the thought of having to wear one makes me almost cry. 

Whenever I wore dresses, I wouldn’t sit properly. My mom always told me to keep my legs together. I didn’t understand why. It was uncomfortable, but I tried to do so anyway. I am the youngest in my family of three children, so I always had to sit in the middle seat of the car. I remember complaining about not having enough leg space, but the answer was always “Your brothers are boys, so they need it more”. I questioned that back then. Nowadays I understand, but the lack of space for my legs as a kid was uncomfortable, especially as I grew.

I have always been bigger and taller than the other people my age. As a kid I was really uncomfortable when the teachers said that they needed strong boys to help them carry things. I was as strong as the boys, if not even stronger, so why couldn’t I help? Whenever I got to help, I carried as much stuff as I could, just to prove that I was as strong as the boys. I think lots of cis girls also have been through this, and the usual sayings like “He only bullies you because he has a crush on you” that I got. But for me, I didn’t feel like I had been insulted as lesser as a girl, or called weak for being a girl. I felt like I had been called weaker than the other boys. I felt uncomfortable being grouped with the girls, being called a “lady” and a “little girl”.

I forced myself to have a “crush” on the best looking boy as a child. I don’t think it was a crush. Or even one of those child crushes. I think I wanted to be like them. I remember being a stupid child with two of my friends, a girl and a boy. We were in kindergarten. We went to play in this one room, without an adult. Because we were stupid and curious children, the boy took off his pants. I remember being jealous, even though that boy was kind of someone I “liked”.

Before first grade, probably the early spring before school, I got my first phone that had unlimited access to the internet. I think the internet ruined me. I was about 7 back then(I live in Finland). Before that I had a Nokia, that only had offline games and I could only send messages. My new phone was a Huawei. Obviously I quickly discovered YouTube, as my siblings had shown me lots of videos. I also made a YouTube channel. I started with showing my face, but once my parents found out, I started making Littlepetshop videos. The videos were cringe, but I have a soft spot for them.

It wasn’t until I discovered Gacha that I started making connections with other Finnish Gacha and LPS YouTubers. That was when I got my first positive impressions of the LGBTQ+ community. Before that I had heard the word “gay” only as an insult. I was about 8/9 at that time. A girl that said she was 2 or 3 years older than me(I can’t remember) told me she was pansexual. I didn’t understand what that meant, so she explained it. I supported her, and the other people that came out. Around that time I also joined a lot of roleplaying WhatsApp groups, and met a lot of people. I heard the word “lesbian” and thought about it. I liked girls, not boys. That was something I thought. I think I was just jealous of them. I also got a Gacha girlfriend. A real one. I think she was a bit, like a year, two, or three years older. But that was fine to me. It was just Gacha, and we were just children.

When I was 10, just a little after my birthday in January, the girl stopped making videos, and fully stopped Gacha, so our ocs broke up. I was crushed. So was my internet best friend, who knew this girl irl. However, I got over it fast, and tried to find a new girlfriend for my oc, and I did. The person who said she was pansexual.

Remember I mentioned roleplaying groups? Well, I met someone in a Gacha roleplaying group. I made a character that dated their character. We had lots of inappropriate roleplays. That was normal in the groupchats, but ours was in private. They were about 6 years older. Both of our characters were girls, and they would call me by my character’s name. I was really uncomfortable with that. I didn’t like being called “Rose”.

Over like a month or a bit more, I got feelings for the person who was my Gacha girlfriend. I tried hinting at how much I wanted a girlfriend at a Gachatuber chat, and she actually said she could be that! She was my first real girlfriend. We were pretty happy together. Obviously since it was the cringe year 2020, we were cringe too. Calling ourselves “yandere” and stuff. She revealed to me in private her secret, she wasn’t actually older than me, but born the same year. Actually, she was 4 months younger. I was fine with this.

At some point in our relationship, I figured I wasn’t actually lesbian, but bisexual. I could see myself having a relationship with a boy. I also had flaws. Big flaws. I was really jealous. Because she was that kind of person who wasn’t online for days, and because communicating through the internet was our only way, it made me worried. And she posted a lot about her irl friend. It made me overly jealous. But I told her about this, and she helped me deal with it.

Remember the person that was 6 years older? Well, everyone basically hated them now for being stupid. They told us that they were autistic. I feel bad for bullying them, but autism doesn’t excuse the shitty behaviour, like asking out a 13-year-old. They told us they were trans. A trans guy. I don’t know what they go by these days, so I am using they/them pronouns.

When I was freshly 11, I was in a lot of queer groups on the internet. This was before the person came out. One of the groups had a link to a trans-only group. I didn’t know what it meant, but I wanted to be involved as a queer kid. I said I was a trans girl, which was far from the truth, as I was born a girl. I thought that “trans” was just a cool thing to put in front of your gender. That should have been a sign. Once I found out what trans meant, I quickly left the groupchat.

Let’s go back to the year 2020. Imagine it’s spring, and a 10-year-old child is watching animation memes on YouTube. Then, they stumble across a “Dream Team animatic”. They watch a few more, and think “that’s cool, but i don’t understand so I couldn’t be bothered”. It wasn’t until later that year, like late autumn or early winter, that I found out about Dream SMP. I immediately loved it. I don’t understand everything, but I do some. It’s the coolest shit ever. Minecraft? Hell yeah! Roleplaying? Fun! I am now obsessed with it, like I had been with FNaF and Undertale as a small child.

Now, back to early 2021. I love Dream SMP, I like writing, and I have an amazing girlfriend. All at 11! What could go wrong? I mean, yeah, my grandma that I loved dearly died last autumn, and yeah, maybe I don’t really have friends, like, at all.. Or maybe one. But otherwise it’s fun! Oh, and I’m now in 4th grade! And we are studying something I didn’t know I loved so much, countries! I open YouTube to find videos about these countries. Oh, what’s that?.. country…humans..? I guess that’s one new thing to obsess over! A lot. Even to the point of showing videos to my dad.

As it may seem, my life was pretty great outside of feeling lonely. Things I liked, even coming up with my first story. Until I got the great idea to propose to my girlfriend. At 11. The 13th of May 2021. The last month of school before summer break. I biked 6 kilometres to the most romantic spot I knew in my small town. I had came up with a long paragraph about how much I loved her. I took a picture of two rings. First, I sent the paragraph. And just before I could send the picture and propose, she responded saying ��Awh, thank you.. But I think I see you more like a friend. Sorry…”. I was crushed, even though thinking back I think that was for the best. I just accepted it, and left the spot to go home. Soon after that, I started hearing weird voices. I didn’t know what they were, so I was very obviously scared. I told my internet friends about them, and nothing they said helped me feel better. So, I told my friend, and someone I had known since first grade, and they told me to go to the school psychologist. Once I actually went there, I told her about the voices, what they said, and showed her the cuts on my wrists. Some were older, some fresher. I lied earlier. I wasn’t over my grandma’s death. The loneliness had bothered me. I couldn’t go to anyone unless they came to me first. She called my parents and the local health centre. My parents came to pick me up, and we went to the health centre. They sent me to Oulu. To the children’s psychiatric department. Basically psych ward, or something. There I was forced to come out as bisexual to my parents by the doctor. I also had to stay there for a few nights. At 11.

It wasn’t that bad there after all. I met this one boy, and this one person that was non-binary. After hearing why they were there, I felt like my problem wasn’t that bad compared to theirs. I liked being their friend. The non-binary person also liked Dream SMP. I also tried to summon a demon there with them. Whenever we had our phones, I would watch countryhumans videos. Later I found out besides hearing voices, I have anxiety, social anxiety, and “low mood”, whatever that means. Nowadays I am in therapy.

Later that year in autumn, I went to fifth grade. I had a friend. They were also queer, and to still day is, even though we aren’t friends anymore. I liked Blind Channel, as they had been in Eurovision earlier that year, and I was at their concert. Barely anything happened, except for when my sister came out as a trans woman at the start of 2022. I was one of the first people she came out to. I felt honoured. I knew she was struggling with severe depression, so I was happy for her. She was there for me, so I wanted to be there for her. The problem is my birthday in January. I was now 12. I celebrated it with my cousin and sister at our grandpa’s house. My cousin called it a “girl’s party”. I didn’t understand why, but I hated that, but didn’t say anything.

In like February, we were having a game night with my brother, sister, two cousins, and their friend. My brother left early, because he had stuff to do, but I stayed, because I was going to stay at my sister’s house. Later once we were going to leave, our cousins had a fight, and the other one(the one who I am closer to and spent my birthday with) had a panic attack. Me and my sister stayed there to comfort her, while our other cousin and his friend went outside to get the car ready to drop off me and my sister. Once we finally got to the car, they started to argue again, so me being the sensitive freshly 12-year-old kid started to have my own panic attack and crying, so I left the car with my sister until the others figured it out. There me and my sister talked, and she confessed that she had tried to kill herself, but spit the medicine out as she thought about me. I think about this to this day, even though in about 2 months it has been 3 years.

 At this point my interest in countryhumans had faded, but I still loved Dream SMP. I could fully understand them now. I liked the queer things they had going on there. I also really liked ships like BakuDeku, DabiHawks, and later Byler.

I remember the fateful night. I was alone in my family’s caravan, while my mom and dad were out drinking. I was thinking. Earlier, I had been so sure I was a bisexual demigirl, but now I was having doubts. My realization was actually pretty anticlimactic. I did a “am I trans?” quiz. It said I was, so, I kinda just stuck with that because that was how I felt. I finally found out the reason for some of my behaviour. I also figured out I was gay. This was where my actual problems started.

At first I was happy I figured myself out, but then I was horrified. What was I gonna tell my parents? I had seen how they reacted to my sister coming out. They said they accepted her, but talked bad about her behind her back. I didn’t want to live knowing my parents talked bad about me. No, that wasn’t an option. I couldn’t tell them. My dad already hated the way I dress, since it was too “masculine”.

The first person I came out to was my sister. I told her over a snap. Obviously she accepted me. I told her my new name, and she instantly joked to make me feel better(the name is Daniel).

Now I finally had a word for the discomfort I felt in my body. I thought it was only the fact that I am fat, but now I knew it was that, and dysphoria. Great. I really hated my face, my chest, stomach, thighs, everything.

I came out to my friend at the start of sixth grade. They accepted me, but refused to call me Daniel, as it was their dead older brother’s name(older brother who died at birth), so they called me just Dan. I accepted that, even though I kinda hated it. I wanted to be called by my real name. I never really liked nicknames.

During the start of sixth grade, I also got my first short haircut! It was pretty bad, but I felt a lot better. Before that I was always cutting my hair a little by myself, because I hated my long hair. I cried every time, wishing I was a boy so I wouldn’t be scared to ask for a haircut. I was obsessed with cutting my hair. Anytime I was having an anxiety attack, I cut some hair.

At this point, I had also discovered fanfiction. Or, I had heard about it earlier, but I wanted to see it myself. My first fic that I read was smut. I was basically obsessed with them. The gay stories were really entertaining.

After I turned 13 at the start of January, I was pretty happy about being a teen. I basically had no interest in Dream SMP anymore, because of all the rumours. I also hated being a teen. My parents expected me to wear makeup, especially my dad. They wanted me to dress more femininely, which I absolutely hated. I didn’t, even though arguing made me hate myself. I hated my identity. My friend also started to fade away, because of my social anxiety. I couldn’t go to them without being approached first. And because they liked hanging out with this other person more, I was now alone. I had no friends. I hated myself. I didn’t have any online friends anymore either. I wanted to die, so I cut again.

Unlike other people my age, I wasn’t nervous going to seventh grade. Obviously it was stressful, but I was going to the English class, and I thought that maybe, just maybe I’ll get a friend. I was wrong. I was alone. Always. Whenever the teacher wanted us to work in groups or pairs, I had no one. The only people left were ones that didn’t do anything. I had to tell our Swedish teacher that I would like it if she chose the pairs, just because I didn’t want my number to be lower just because I didn’t have anyone to do the work with. I hated PE. I felt so self-conscious anytime we had it. I had multiple anxiety attacks because of it. I cut because of the anxiety caused by it. Didn’t help that the boys and girls were separated, and I obviously had to be with the girls. I also noticed how everyone around me had crushes on people. I started questioning if I had ever had actual real romantic feelings for someone. If I had actually loved my ex, and not just thought so because someone actually liked me. I was scared I was AroAce, not because there’s anything wrong with it, but because I wanted a relationship. Then I discovered Character Ai.

At first I used CAi for fun, but then I actually started doing serious romantic roleplays. I felt like I was back to my roots, but I wasn’t embarrassing myself this time. Lots of BL roleplays. I could roleplay as someone that had my name, some of my features, but he was actually someone else. Someone attractive and cis. A cis man. Then I started using it as a place to roleplay as my own characters. From all the new and old stories. Giving them therapy, doing lyric pranks. It brought me joy.

I started to like anime a lot more too at this point. I loved the music. I liked Heartstopper. I wanted a romance like that, but I knew I couldn’t have it. I was a trans guy in a school that is located in a religious small town in Finland. It wasn’t possible. I wouldn’t be able to be truly myself as long as I lived here, with my parents. I wanted to move away from Finland. Far away from my parents. But I can’t do that, as I am a minor. And I love my cats more than anything. Why do I need to be afraid of my own parents? I’m still just a child. They aren’t even religious.

I started noticing this guy in the halls. He had a trans flag on his bag. I wanted to get to know him. He seemed interesting, I wanted to know his name. All I knew was that he was a year older and pretty handsome. Soon he was almost everything I thought about. It was now the spring of 2024. I was 14. I still hated myself, but at least I have a crush, and one of my classmates knows one of his friends.

How could he be so confident in his trans identity? Have a pin? Showing it at our school? I could never. I hate when people say that you should be proud of your identity, because I am NOT proud of it. Most of the problems I have now were caused by figuring myself out. I am not happier after that, but I would not be happy with not being myself either. Nothing is okay.

It’s almost the end of the school year, and I’ve been talking with these three girls in my class. They’re fun, and they say I can call them my friends. Maybe I can trust them. Maybe they won’t be mad with me calling them my friends. They also know about my identity. I feel like I owe my life to them. I feel like I have a reason to live.

But wait, school is ending. The ninth graders are having a party because they’re leaving the school. Wait… My crush is a year older than me, so he’s in eighth grade, which means he’ll go to ninth grade next autumn… So he’ll leave next spring. And I still haven’t talked to him. I haven’t said a word. I need to hurry.

During this summer, I figured out I was pansexual, not gay. I love everyone, not just men. As long as I am the more dominant one(this is a JOKE).

So now, I’m 14 and in eighth grade. It’s December. There are two weeks left of school until Christmas break. I have three great friends. I still haven’t talked to my crush, nor do I know his name. And I still hate myself and my body. My health is horrible. I stay in my bed most of the time. I am fat. I barely eat. My period is fucked, even though I’ve had it for many years. I pass out a lot during summer. I almost died last summer because I passed out on a moving motorbike. But my therapist and parents say I am better. Yeah, better socially, but worse mentally. And I still want to get as far as possible from my parents. I feel like a horrible son. No child should want to get away from their parents, especially as loving as they are. I just can’t live the life I want if they are in my life. Also, how do my grandparents keep coming up with new synonyms for “girl”? I swear every time I meet them they have a million new ones.

Just because I feel like this has been a long and heavy talk, let’s talk about something lighter. I still like anime. My favourite is JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. I love listening to music. I love Muse, HIM, Rammstein, Foo Fighters and Royal Blood. I actually have gained back interest in countryhumans. This time, it’s the historical aspect. Not the shipping countries kind. I love history. I have a great history teacher. I just take history too seriously, but let’s not talk about the panic attacks I get because I feel like I have failed my history teacher’s expectations. Well… My birthday is in a month! I’ll be 15. I’m pretty nervous.

Thank you for listening. Obviously this isn’t everything, but I am tired, and it’s past 3 am now. I probably forgot something I wanted to say, but that’s too bad. I know it’s pretty dark and long, but I hope whoever is reading this doesn’t mind. I hope you have a good rest of your day/night. This probably has lots of mistakes.

[calweathers17]

HEADCANONS‼️

CAL WEATHERS!!

Fucking clumsy, by that I mean constantly falling, tripping, spilling things, knocking things, bumping into people seriously don't play basketball with this guy or especially not football, even falls while just standing in one place he probably wouldn't even dare to stand if he was forced to wear high heels.

Used to be in a Volleyball team

"You don't have to run up and down I think it's perfect."

Although he quit after getting into racing.

Welcome your local cat lover, small note here Strip is allergic to cats, must suck but anyways Cal once found a small family of cats, a protective yet sweet and clingy mother cat with 4 kittens. You must picture that scene where he found them in the barn but can't take them home due to his uncles allergies so after school or whenever he could he would check up on them bring the mother food and give them a nice ...place blanket or whatever (obviously after earning the cat's trust) and would keep it a secret but obviously Strip would sometimes go there and eventually Cal revealed the secret but begged his uncle and aunt not to move them. He didn't dare to take risks (my boy knows a lot about cats).

With a very cool person I know‼️ we made up the fact Strip is allergic to both cats and peanuts the same with Cal but he's only allergic to peanuts.

Trans, FtM ‼️

"I just never felt right being called Carol and being seen like that but when they called me Cal." - LIFE CHANGING QUOTE YALL

Has been living with Strip and Lynda since he was 13 and met Bobby in highschool → went to 2 highschools after hardly convincing his uncle to let him switch schools, 9th grade in a normal highschool before going to a school to learn coding and other computer things.......yes (quick note I have no idea how different the American and Hungarian school system is so if I got shit wrong I will remake it.) He met Bobby after switching schools.

Likes art and is quite good at it mostly drawing planes and cars sometimes people, but got into racing more after meeting Bobby who's been a big race fan for years...also likes graffiti art but only did them after switching schools.

Mostly grunge and rock music listener.

Plays the guitar.

Kinda random...once stole an ukulele from some small art meeting thing (IDK WHAT IT'S CALLED outside of school activity)

BOBBY SWIFT!!!

HERE COMES MY RACING FAN I don't have much for them YET

Got into art after Cal, being his biggest fan and supporter on the topic.

Was the first to befriend Cal once my boy moved schools

Likes cats but more of a ... Guinea pig person don't ask how.

Lives with their father, total dick though. They got the first ever support for their racing dreams from Brick (knows him since the start of Highschool, them, Brick and Cal made a pretty great trio)

Who's someone who gets under my hcs and doesn't have gender problems? Welcome my Agender dude (or demiboy, still deciding..)

"This he thing just doesn't seem to fit me, that's all."

It/they

Brick supports him, wouldn't hold back if anyone ever bullied them for it. Although Bobby never really told his father and probably won't.

Not much of a music listener but listens to whatever Cal does

Got into guitar playing after Cal and loves hearing him play it.

Small thing for my Swiftweathers fellas

After the meeting Cal started drawing people more and you could maybe guess who he was drawing!

Cal can talk for hours about cats and cars, Bobby would listen. Bobby can talk for hours about cars and racing and Cal would listen.

Graffiti art mentioned? Bobby already joked / stated if they ever become a racer their racing number would be 19 and their car would be....probably purple ( I got cool news!)

↓↓

Cal already could do graffiti art, his first one (on wall,.. if it makes sense) was the number 19, (obviously detailed and colored) small gift for Bobby (who still has it in their gallery and even as a wallpaper) although they eventually did get into trouble for it that was for something else but not the 19 one.

[habeascorpseus]

when i was in 7th grade, i had my first boyfriend. corny shit, i know. in many cases i dont think middle school relationships are enough to be classified as dating- but to this day, i do firmly believe our clumsy attempts at recreating the behavior of couples barely older than us did count. there was an emotional connection there. we had met in 6th grade and bonded over fnaf and minecraft 3 animations and all those other things that people still found found entertaining in 2014.

another notable thing in 7th grade that happened was that i had discovered i was transgender. well, i say "discovered", but it was honestly a long time coming. between my obsession with being seen as a "tomboy," my favorite song on the Kidz Bop 16 CD being Beyonce's "If I Were A Boy" (but sung in a way to make it so much less about cheating that it really became more of a call to action to imagine life as a man) to the point where i manually would loop it on my cd player for hours, and my growing love for mlm shipping— i had been a certified egg since i was in 4th grade. but despite being raised around and parented with about a dozen lesbian and gay couples since birth, i didnt know whether or not my parents were transphobic or not. so, after looking through a list of trans identities, i decided to just come out as genderfluid to my parents as sort of a compromise to the intimidating rigidity of being a trans boy. and even though it wasn't entirely fitting to what i'd ultimately figure out about myself, i grew pretty attached to it.

back to the middle school boyfriend.

at the end of 7th grade— like, a week before summer vacation— i publically came out as genderfluid. while my ex, who i will from now on refer to as Lou, had initially taken it well, albeit with some confusion, over the summer, a much different series of feelings began unfolding. unfortunately, as middle school boys are wont to do whenever one of them begins to act even slightly against the norm, his friends began asking him if he was gay. "if michael¹ is a boy sometimes, does that make you straight, or bisexual?" are some of the things i later heard them ask. and since i, phoneless till the age of 16, was unable to talk to him throughout this relentless picking apart of his own identity, by the time we got back to school, things were... different.

¹ Michael is the name i went by irl for 3 years from 7th-9th grade.

for one, there were the jokes. he was a big leafy fan (and i really did try even back then to steer him away from that but its hard when youre a cringe nerd middle schooler) and back then "attack helicopter" jokes were kind of all the rage, so he began jokingly identifying as a toaster. then he made a toaster mask out of a cardboard box, spray paint, and duct tape that he brought to school and began putting on whenever i walked by him in the hallway. and then, and possibly worst of all- a simple html website shared between his friends called "what gender is Michael today?" which lead to a random generator of options like, "boy", "girl", "toaster", and "attack helicopter." all of which is kind of a lot to deal with when youre a middle schooler with a pretty rough time of it already, and suddenly your main bully is the guy youve effectively been in a relationship with for 6 months.

and now you may be asking: hey habeas, why this sudden autobiographical deep dive into the most traumatic period of your life? what spawned this? how is this story relevant to literally anything going on? well, that's where the next part of the story comes in.

that year, our sex ed teacher was a 5ft transgender man named Mudd. Mudd had a buzzcut, and a higher pitched voice, and small hands, but beyond all of that, there was nothing visibly different about him than any other boy or man in the school. in fact, the boys thought he was cool as hell. they were fascinated by the idea of transformation of the self into an unrecognizable body. they never misgendered him, even after learning his status as a trans man. in fact, they were comfortable enough around him to be transphobic towards me. and Mudd, like a good trans mentor, told them to cut that shit out, and told me that regardless of how complicated and occasionally contradictory my identity was, it was still me, and i needed to stand up for who i was as a person.

a week later, Lou called me a tranny, and in response, i punched him in the nose and promptly stopped talking to him.

so again, why is this relevant? well, I'm not sure how terminally online (or specifically, on twitter) some of you are, but recently there's been a bit of a tiff in a certain fandom about bi lesbianism. specifically, how it, as an identity, is harmful to both the bisexual and lesbian communities. which, one: nooooo....??? bisexuality and lesbianism arent separate so much fraternal twins, and I've already talked too much to include further definitions to prove it. but my argument is really less about its validity as an identity and more about the principle of there being limits to acceptance, even within our community.

like with my experience, people were fine when they were faced with binary identities. a trans man like mudd is cool, or a trans girl like Jazz Jennings (we watched a lot of I Am Jazz in homeroom) could be seen as normal, and more so, inspiring. but when i came in with an identity people found to be contradictory or "too confusing," it resulted in backlash. the entire definition of being "queer" is to be abnormal to what general society finds acceptable, and even then, some things are "too weird" to be tolerated. even amongst "weird" people. which i find to be a pretty troubling trend amongst queer leftist young people who's only real experience with an "lgbt community" has been online. here, we prioritize and find catharsis in labels and categories to the point where the "queer community" has become instead split between identities- the gays, the lesbians, the bis, the transes, the aros and aces and the whatnot. in the real world, it doesnt matter what flavor of queer you are, nobody's going to stop and ask before they call you a groomer and then legislate your freedom away. which is why we, as an online queer community, have to get rid of the notion that some identities are "too contradictory" or "dont exist" enough to be worth giving support and love.

im saying all this here... because, well, one: nobody wants to read a 40+ tweet thread about my personal brush with irl homophobia and how that radicalized me against community separation in general, and two: i am deeply afraid of 14 year olds on twitter with too much time on their hands. but also im saying this because it was infuriating yesterday to watch my entire twitter feed suddenly turn into a puritanical campaign against the very concept of someones identity and have the ability to say nothing. it disgusted me how quickly we turn against our own simply because the way they are is confusing to our tiny fucking peanut brains. and i know none of those people who went on that tirade will read this, but i felt like it needed to be said anyways.

don't let society's impulse to ostracize the confusing and strange win out over human decency. don't do conservatives' strategy to divide and conquer us for them. a person's identity not being comprehensible to you is not inherently an attack on who you, yourself, are. you are your identity and you should stand up for it, and you should stand up for others' identities too. punch your bullies in the nose.

long live the confusing, the contradictory, and most importantly, the queer.

[authoralexharvey]

INTERVIEW WITH A WRITEBLR — @theglitchywriterboi

Who You Are:

Sparrow Aiden || He/xe

I'm Sparrow Aiden, I'm genderfluid/a trans guy & bi & mixed. My current favorite book is Flesh Eater by Travis Riddle

What You Write:

What genres do you write in? What age ranges do you write for?

Fantasy, horror, and sci-fi. Young adult.

What genre would you write in for the rest of your life, if you could? What about that genre appeals to you?

Probably like fantasy. I just think it's really fun & you can make your own rules for the whole universe [which you can do for others ofc but still-]

What genre/s will you not write unless you HAVE to? What about that genre turns you off?

Romance. I write romance in my stories, but I don't think I could do that as the main focus, especially not smut [I respect it though, just very much not for me writing wise-]

Who is your target audience? Do you think anyone outside of that would get anything out of your works?

Queer people & queer POC. I think people outside those groups would still enjoy it, at least I hope !!!

What kind of themes do you tend to focus on? What kinds of tropes? What about them appeals to you?

I don't really normally have a theme in mind - maybe death is inevitable & we can't prevent it no matter how much power we have. Also friendship & shit.

What themes or tropes can you not stand? What about them turn you off?

The one character that's always bullied for no reason ??? Like Meg from Family Guy or Jerry from Parks & Rec. It's just needlessly mean, & at least in Jerry's case he is simply trying to be nice & not doing anything :(

What are you currently working on? How long have you been working on it?

A lot of things, but mostly Deaths Diner. I've been working on it since like 8th grade [so like 7ish years ??] & I'm still not close to done 😮‍💨. Second main WIP is The River By The Hotel & a few years but idk how many exactly. Not near as long as Deaths Diner though.

Why do you write? What keeps you writing?

I really enjoy writing !!! & I've always wanted to be published - not for money or anything [though money would be nice] but because it's one thing to sew it in a document, but a whole different thing to be able to hold it & have it impact other people. Plus I've always wanted to give people joy & if people get that from my writing that'd be very cool - even if it's only one person

How long have you been writing? What do you think first drew you to it?

Since I was little. But the first time I knew I WANTED to be a writer was when I was watching Doctor Who w/ my family & after the intro it said "Written by [whoever wrote that episode]" & I thought that was so cool !! Like someone wrote that & my family & I are interacting w/ it & enjoy it !! [& being a screenwriter would be cool, but it wasn't really for me environment wise so I turned towards writing stories/books & I liked reading anyway so-]

Where do you get your inspiration from? Is that how you got your inspiration for your current project? If not, where did the inspiration come from?

It mostly comes randomly, but anything tbh. Sometimes its from a movie or show, sometimes it's from a book, sometimes it's just a "Hey, wouldn’t a story about [X] be interesting haha… Wait that's actually amazing-". The inspiration for Deaths Diner actually came about through the latter. My brother jokingly said "Haha, we should have our own show" & me being a dumb 8th grader was like "WE SHOULD !!!" So I started scripting it. Then I realized our lives aren't interesting enough to have a show based off us, so I added ghosts, then one thing lead to another & long story short it's absolutely nothing like our lives [But I think it's still really cool-]. The inspiration for The River By The Hotel is also [very loosely] based off my life too. Basically as a kid my brother & I WOULD go to hotels to visit our mom & at one there were two kids. My brother & I did go over to the river area w/ them. The stuff that didn't happen was all thr paranormal monster stuff. [But that was brought on because when we went home my little brother told me he almost fell in, so I was like "What if he did & the river was actually a portal to another world ?"]

What work of yours are you most proud of? Why?

Probably Deaths Diner. I'm still on the first draft & while it's nowhere near done, I've worked so hard & long on it, it's like my baby. I can't wait to be finished w/ it though so I can start the second book in the series

Have you published anything? Do you want to?

I haven't yet. But I really want to !! Hoping to publish something this year or next year

What part of the publishing process most appeals to you? What part least appeals to you?

Most appealing is being able to get a physical copy of my book, because it's like "Yooo I did it !! I actually did it !!!". Least appealing is probably the critics. I know even the best books & the books I love have people that don't like them, but still. It's daunting publishing something you spent so much time on because of the thought people might despise it.

What part of the writing process most appeals to you? What part is least appealing?

The actual writing is most appealing, because its fun to write, the editing is least appealing. Mostly because I get in my head about the quality & get stuck trying to fix everything - even when there's nothing to fix [or nothing major]

Do you have a writing process? Do you have an ideal setup? Do you write in pure chaos? Talk about your process a bit.

Kinda chaos. I just write when I feel like it & I'm a bit of a pantser [maybe more like a plantser though] sometimes, especially w/ a series, I know the majors stops [like we start here, then this happens in the middle, then the end happens. But how I get there I don't know & even w/ the stuff I do know its like a loose idea.] but w/ stand-alones I normally don't know that. I have some scenes planned, but other than that I have zero idea how the book will end

Your Thoughts on Writeblr:

How long have you been a writeblr? What inspired you to join the community?

A few years now. I wanted to join to have a place to share my writing & to make friends w/ other writers

Shout out some of your favorite writeblrs. How did you find them and what made you want to follow them?

Aaaa this is so hard I really like all my writeblr mutuals/friends it's hard to pick but Uuuuuuhhh- @jezifster, @daisywords, @writing-is-a-martial-art, @athena-anna-rose, @penspiration-writing, @caligraphyzev, @writingpotato07, @writewithfire, @pen-of-roses, @e-lisard, @ashen-crest, @the-finch-address, @cryptid-s-wips, @chrismerle, & so many others !!! I don't know how I stumbled onto all of them, but they're all cool people & cool writers

What is your favorite part about writeblr?

The community & event

What do you think writeblr could improve on? How do you think we can go about doing so?

I don't know tbh

How do you contribute to the writeblr community? Do you think you could be doing more?

I think I could interact more. I'm very forgetful so sometimes I forget to reply to stuff or post things. I try to share others writing & stuff

What kinds of posts do you most like to interact with?

All kinds, other people's writing & short stories, peoples replies to tag games, etc

What kind of posts do you most like to make?

Updates about progress

Finally, anywhere else online we may be able to find you?

On twitter: @WriterGlitch & on Instagram: @TheGlitchyWriter [though I'm most active on tumblr]

[17gz]

it just ENRAGES me beyond words that i reconnected with a friend from high school (who reached out to me since i was 1 out of 2 people in our grade of 500+ kids that were visibly out as trans)

because she wanted to let me know that she came out and got on E and told me her name and how she's been doing. we'd been talking for a while.

and i knew her pre transition in high school. she was miserable. and meeting her in person, she was a different person. i saw so much happiness and life in her eyes that i'd never seen before. it was so amazing to see her as who she really is.

i told everyone in my group who was going to pride about her. they all knew beforehand that i was inviting her. i expressed how happy and proud i was of her.

and when she arrived i saw a switch flip in my roommates heads. both of them. including the afab intersex one wearing a niohuru x "big dick girl" bikini for pride. my friend fully said "i use she/her. i don't like they/them, i prefer she/her." and these roommates used they/them for her the entire night.

they were so annoyed that she took up any space at all. they were so annoyed that she was excited. one of these roommates talked so often abt how its hard being autistic. and yet that same person made the rudest and most passive aggressive looks and gestures towards my friend because she's autistic. it was disgusting and juice even yelled at this person at dinner when this person kept doing high school bully shit at my friend.

and when we were forced to confront this person bc "they didnt understand why we were mad at them" we were completely honest and said that their treatment of my friend was unacceptable and disgusting and transmisogynistic

and this person denied all their behavior and even tried to cover it up by saying "i'm just a silly little guy" i wish i was fucking making this shit up i really fucking wish i was. we were stone faced and said they were treating my friend poorly bc shes a trans woman. they said "they'd never do something like that to someone in the community. they're part of the community!" and when juice said they are not incapable of being transmisogynistic, the crocodile tears were running immediately.

and then my friend i've known for 6 years (whos dating that pos) said we were being racist to their partner. and then within 12 hours we dropped the news that we were moving out. we moved out abt 17 days after that. from an apartment i literally hunted down and did all the work to find. and had expressed ALL year that i didnt want to move out from.

cannot stress enough that this roommates partner was staying with us rent free even though i even said they could pay at least $100-$200 per month to help with household expenses since money was getting tight for us and 4 ppl in there vs 3 ppl was rough (but i didnt want to say $800 -$1000 for them bc i knew they were in a tough financial state) (but also we were not doing well either and they took and broke SO much of our shit without offering to do a damn thing about it and spending their money on dumb shit)

and they'd been living rent free at our place for 4+ months. we were coerced into letting them stay w us. and the entire time they treated us like absolute garbage. they constantly made comments about us being fat and how they thought we were ugly.

not to mention. meatball is brachiocephalic. my ex friend was literally with me at the vet appointments where the vets said do NOT have smoke or candles or anything around him.

while i was vacuuming and getting him air purifiers to put around the house and spending over 2k on vet bills, the two of them were hotboxing him in their room when they smoked. i told them a trillion times to ventilate their room and keep the door closed and let the room air out when they smoked and they never listened. we only found out they were hotboxing meatball in july.

not to mention all the racist shit and the painting my friend made where they painted me as a rapist being eaten by them. never done anything like that, i was not ok w them using my likeness and even told them that, i was the darkest skinned person im that apartment, and they felt 0 shame or regret about it. and now theres a painting of me, depicted as a cis man rapist, darker than i actually am, being killed and eaten by this person.

i cannot even begin to describe my anger and rage and disgust and hatred towards this person. i genuinely hope they die. i wish nothing but misery and suffering upon them

[nite-puff]

Tonight’s one of those nights where i can’t fall asleep unless I jot something down.

So here’s my long list of Takemichi Yukimaru headcanons! Because he’s nothing if not free real-estate for them.

This will mostly be backstory with some smaller, more light-hearted, headcanons interspersed throughout. Enjoy!

(cw for mentions of abuse. he’s still a danganronpa character) (this is also my longest post. by a long shot. i just have a lot of thoughts on him)

- my intense desire to make my favorite characters latino in some capacity out of self-projection is very real. so in my mind, michi’s half-japanese, half-latino (whichever region is up to you. he doesn’t really know himself, but i will always be compelled to say mexican because i am biased). (edit: also because “michi” is a term of endearment for cats in some latin american countries. so that makes the nickname itself a little cuter. he’s like a little cat guy compared to the owadas, who are strongly associated with tigers.)

- his father was born and raised in japan and his mother moved from overseas to japan out of desire to travel during a gap-year from college. the two met during her stay and had a very explosive and passionate start to their relationship. like a long honeymoon phase. his mother actually decided to stay longer than her intended visit after she found out she was pregnant with michi, and the two were soon married. the rose-tinted glasses were still in full effect at this point in their relationship.

- michi’s hair color is naturally dark brown, like his mom. he actually inherited a lot of his mom’s physical features, including her short stature. what he got from his dad were a couple a facial features, but most notably his yellow eye color.

- also transmasc michi is so real. he doesn’t realize it until a little later in his life. a little while after meeting mondo.

- while things started out fine after michi was born, things were bound to turn sour. the honeymoon phase ended. the added expenses of a new baby along with the already poor state the family was living in raised a lot of tension in the household, and his father quickly became abusive toward his mother. michi didn’t remember much, either because he was very young when it all happened or because his brain did a good job at repressing some of the memories, but what he does remember is particularly bad.

- The only good memories he has of his childhood are with his mother. like her reading him stories or teaching him some simple words in spanish. and her favorite songs, which she would play to him a lot. the reason why he doesn’t have many memories of her is because she left when he was five. neither him or his father know her whereabouts, but michi likes to believe she’s back overseas with her family. she left behind her old cassette collection, something that was largely untouched until michi got a little older.

- michi actually really liked school. he’s described as being a smart kid, so i like to think that he did well in his classes. while he still did well as grew older, his studies took a major backseat after he met the owadas.

- he met mondo first. they went to the same grade school together and mondo was a grade higher than michi. i think that their initial meeting went something along the lines of michi witnessing mondo deck a kid who was picking on a girl classmate of his. michi is immediately enamored by this boy who wasn’t afraid to fight against bullies like that. he is less enamored by the fact that mondo immediately scared the poor girl away as well after trying to talk to her. he was an interesting character, and michi really wanted to be his friend. they proceed to do that little kid thing where they hang out for like 15 minutes, like each other’s vibe, and then say something like “we’re best friends now.” and the rest is history.

- to harken back to trans michi. mondo is taken aback by this supposed girl who wasn’t scared of him and wanted to actually be friends with him. his small naive kid-brain at first thought this could be his shot at a relationship, but 15 minutes into knowing michi and mondo abandoned the idea because michi was perfect best friend material. and because he kinda got scared at how much this kid wanted mondo to teach him how to sucker punch someone.

- mondo and michi’s friendship took off like it was nobody’s business. They were hanging out anytime they could see each other on campus and quickly got to learning about each other. mondo talked a lot about daiya and how cool he was. he mentioned how his older recently got into motorcycles and even got one from one of his friends, and how michi should come over to his house one day to check it out. michi shared a lot of his favorite music with mondo, which mainly consisted of that old cassette collection mentioned previously.

- michi doesn’t actually meet daiya until a year or two into him and mondo knowing each other. he randomly picks mondo up from school on his motorcycle. the gang had already started then, so he had his hair and makeup done and was wearing his gang jacket. michi would probably still say that it was the coolest thing he’s ever seen. mondo asks if michi wants to go with them, and it’s the first time michi doesn’t immediately go home after school. he’s in his last year of grade school at this point.

- another year goes by and michi grows closer with the brothers, basically becoming the honorary third owada brother. he gets to learn a lot about the gang, motorcycles, fighting, etc. he even starts learning how to ride his own motorcycle after daiya mentions that he may or may not be fixing one up for him. he still hasn’t joined the gang at this point because daiya won’t let him. he’s too young and has to be at least the age that mondo was when he joined. which meant michi had to wait until his next birthday.

- while all of this is happening, tensions are brewing back at his home again. michi was a able to avoid his father’s abusive tendencies for the most part because he’s at work when michi is home from school/hanging out with the owadas. but he later had a change in work schedule and soon found out about what michi had been out doing using context clues. the diamonds have also gotten some traction, so the larger population of their hometown are starting to know about the new gang, including michi’s dad. michi elects to ignore this and just doesn’t acknowledge his father when he sees him, but things all come to a head one day and the two of them fight. not physically, verbally. it’s very ugly and it ends more or less with his father telling michi that he can go join the gang if he wants, but he’ll never be allowed to live in his house again if he does. michi storms out and goes to his room, and it’s the last interaction the two of them have. michi is gone with his belongings the next morning.

- he is welcomed into the owada’s home with open arms, joking about how he practically lived there already. though he does sleep on the couch because the small apartment the brothers rent out only has two bedrooms. he doesn’t mind this.

- michi officially joins the gang on the day of his birthday because he is so excited to do so and can’t wait another day. he is also given the motorcycle daiya mentioned as a present.

- he gets the makeover! complete with bleaching his hair, doing the makeup, getting a couple piercings! and getting his new gang jacket courtesy of mondo.

- michi was picked on by some of the gang at first, mostly because of his height and softer features. not much happened outside of that because it was established upfront that michi was close to the brothers, but most importantly, close to daiya. he also shut the naysayers right up after his first gang fight with them. he displays some unnaturally good skills at fighting other guys twice his size.

- michi grows to be a great fighter, even surpassing the owada’s in that regard. he’s the leader of the elite guard and Mondo’s bodyguard for a reason. mondo taught him the basics when they were younger, daiya taught him some of the more higher-level stuff as he grew older, and michi perfected his technique with the sheer amount of practice he did. it was a lot. all so that people wouldn’t pick on him or abuse him anymore.

now for some random, not that important headcanons as a break from all the story:

- michi is allergic to dogs. that made living with chuck very awkward when the little guy was still around. he’s perfectly fine around cats though

- his fan club is very quick to form. it started out on school grounds with some girls who found him cute following him around. news gets out that he joined the crazy diamonds and he gets more attention the higher he climbs up in the ranks. daiya jokes that michi is the most popular crazy diamond member, second only to himself. he teases mondo with the notion as well. michi avoids all interactions with his fan club and is greatly embarrassed by it. to the point that he gives them dirty looks if he sees members following him.

- i cannot for the life of me decide if i want michi to be homoromantic asexual or aroace. so i just combined the two. he’s asexual and arospec and if he were to pursue a romantic relationship, it would be with a guy. he’s thought about this more than he’d like to admit.

- mondo being genuinely curious as to why michi hates his fan club so much leads to michi clumsily coming out to both of the brothers and admitting that he doesn’t really like girls like that (also that he just finds the fan club annoying). they ask how he feels about guys, and he genuinely can’t give them an answer because he doesn’t know how he feels about guys. daiya tells him not to lose so much sleep trying to figure it out. he’ll know when he knows.

- michi sometimes likes to collect more cassette tapes for his collection. he can’t waste too much money on them but he’ll sometimes buy a couple if he thinks it’s music his mom would’ve liked.

- michi never forgot those small bits of spanish his mom taught him. his pronunciation is shoddy and he’s not by any means fluent, but he knows what they mean.

- when daiya and mondo are talking about the switch in leadership, michi is the first to come to mind for mondo’s right-hand man. it’s a no-brainer there.

- he’s been to juvie the same amount of times mondo has. the two are just always together when they’re caught.

- he continues to be more intelligent than what he lets on. this mostly shows through his more level-headed personality because he doesn’t fall for the things that are clearly meant to get a rise out of him. mondo does though, so it’s good that he can be the reasonable one to drag him out of a situation like that.

back to the story:

- on the night of the race, michi can’t stop himself from following after the brothers some time after their race started. he’s always had a strong need to protect people, and he’s scared of what mondo could do while that angry and recklessly driving his motorcycle. he doesn’t see the accident happen, but he’s the first to show up to the scene after it occurs. he’s the first person mondo tells his lie to.

- the weeks after daiya’s death are rough. michi isn’t as bad as mondo was, but he’s still grieving. he doesn’t expect mondo to be back on schedule as quick as he is and even encourages him to take a longer break. he’s ignored.

- michi is uncomfortable having to be back to the gang so soon, but he has to because he now basically has the highest non-leader power. at this point, he is immensely respected by the rest of the gang, and new members who try to make fun of him are shut up by the older members.

- mondo at first doesn’t plan on going to hope’s peak when he is given the invite and even starts writing the letter telling them such. michi convinces him to go, telling him it would be stupid to give up an opportunity like that. that serves as excellent angst material after michi learns about the killing game and mondo’s death.

- michi is left in charge of the gang when mondo is gone and can be considered the third leader of the crazy diamonds, even if it’s not official.

- kinda random, but michi is jealous of mondo and taka’s friendship at first. like, who’s this other guy claiming to be mondo’s best bro??? this hall monitor, straight-laced, son of a cop no less. that period of time doesn’t last very long because michi is quick to figure out mondo’s more than friendly feelings toward taka. before either of them do. jealousy becomes pity with a side of secondhand embarrassment from watching mondo deny his feelings for taka then witnessing his terrible attempts at “flirting” when he does realize said feelings.

- then he’s kidnapped, demon game, library, gontakerus, yada yada yada. we know this.

- there’s something so cool about thinking of michi as “the last crazy diamond.” idk maybe the title is just cool. but he still holds hope that some of the other members are alive and out there somewhere. he makes it his mission to find them and restore the gang. he kind of blames himself for not being there to protect them when the tragedy does happen. he doesn’t think about how he really had no choice in the matter.

- also michi, takaaki, and hiroko found family dynamic is so real. let that boy have a loving mother and father figure in his life. he needs it.

- he never really gives up his goal to find some crazy diamond members, though it becomes less about restoring the gang and more about wanting to see his old friends again. but that mission is put in the backseat after he’s found by the future foundation.

um that’s mostly it, but here’s a non-despair universe thing:

- the tragedy never happens, and mondo hands the gang down to michi after he graduates from hope’s peak. michi is an awesome leader and hands the gang down to his successor because he wants to try his hand out at getting a higher education. what he wants to be, he has no idea (because i have no idea).

- also michi is mondo’s best man at the ishimondo wedding. because why wouldn’t he be?

AND THATS IT!!! I PROBABLY FORGOT SOME STUFF BUT GOD I AM SO TIRED ITS 4 AM

i love michi, i wish he was real.

[your-queer-dad]

ahhh ok i just want to rant im so sorry i love my highschool so much i havent seen a single person there be outwardly transphobic or homophobic at all. my highschool is also big, like 2000 people big. and i know people in every grade there. its not just people not being homophobic to queer people who act "normal" but also to really outwardly alt dressing people. like theres this one football player who looks/acts like a disney highschool bully who one of his best friends is a short trans guy with really cool rainbow hair. and they dress really colorful everyday.

i know that might be kinda of weird to point out but before i got there at the start of this school year i wasnt used to seeing that kind of stuff and it makes me really happy to see after being really scared of highschool since a lot of people online always talked about how terrible of a place highschool was to be queer at. but after meeting and seeing so many couples over the year openly be affectionate in the hallways like how i see straight couples be without getting weird looks (besides the usual get a room that anyone making out in the hallway gets ofc) i feel a lot safer despite not feeling any romantic interest in anyone. 💕

Hey kiddo!!! That's amazing, I'm so glad you're school is so supportive and diverse!!!

- dad x

[mysterycharacterbracket]

what has been the most chaotic description/character in your opinion. istg some of these submissions are so stupidly funny (the submitter, pi, god) and i just wanna hear your opinion

Sorry I didn't answer this sooner, but I must have been busy or something the day you sent this ask.

Most chaotic? I think I have a few:

The following description in the first tournament described two characters:

He's got daddy issues. He got fire powers. He's got rage. He's a villain that became a protagonist. He's popularly shipped with the female lead character but they don't get together in canon. He's got a red and black colour scheme.

This was Prince Zuko from Avatar the Last Airbender and Warren Peace from Sky High.

Garwin Chang from Keeper of the Lost Cities received a record four descriptions in my first tournament.

First:

He was only in one scene in the first book and all he did was bully a 12 year old because he was bitter she got into Yale and he didn't and wear an ugly shirt. (The shirt said "Back off-I'm gonna fart!")

Second:

He’s petty and immature as an eight year old, what more could you want from a man

Third:

What a fucking guy. He was on-page in this 9 (soon to be 10, maybe 11) (12 if you count book 8.5) book series for like... three lines. He's a twelfth grader who dedicates a good chunk of his life hating on the twelve year old in his (twelfth grade) class. His only outfit ever mentioned is a shirt that says "LOOK OUT, I'M GONNA FART!" He's especially bitter about said twelve year old because she got into Yale (despite being twelve) (she was in the news and everything) and he did not. That's literally it. He's a bitter little bitch and honestly the whole fandom loves him for it

And fourth:

High school senior who was rejected from Yale. Bullies a twelve year old and wears shirt that say things like “back off I’m gonna fart”

And for the first tournament they were all entered in separately, so a lot of people including myself were like "Didn't we eliminate that guy already?" (Oddly enough, none of the Garwins that won the tournament, but Sophie Foster, the girl he bullies, did.)

And the only character in this tourney who had multiple submissions was Cole from Lego Ninjago. This time we switched descriptions each round to avoid the same mistake. I announced that at the beginning, but some latecomers were still confused.

Here's the first description:

he's died like three times by now. his mom died and his dad neglected him so he ran away and followed some random old man to "fight the forces of evil." he's fully willing to commit murder, especially in the earlier seasons. he has a habit of picking up random children and adopting them. he has a boyfriend. he has self worth issues and a whole lot of trauma that is pretty much never unpacked. he has superstrength and a cool scar. he also has a very interesting connection to death.

And here's the second:

He has a boyfriend and a lovely trans daughter, as well as two adopted sons. Also he has a magical girl style transformation despite being a grown adult man

So yeah. I think those are the most chaotic descriptions and characters in this blog's history.

And I also felt compelled to mention that I think the most chaotic rounds were the first round of the first tournament (because I didn't really know what I was doing at the time and I had to add an extra poll because 3 characters were submitted but not counted), and the tiebreaker rounds in the second tournament (because there were so many characters competing in tiebreakers that I couldn't use Tumblr to make the polls, and so I didn't post the descriptions on the post but rather provided a link to the document containing all the descriptions).

[disregardcanon]

Toh npmd au for my own personal amusement

First thing’s first: character assignments 

Amity as Steph 

Luz as Pete 

Willow and Gus as Ruth and Richie

Boscha as Max 

Hunter as Grace 

Odalia and Belos both as parts of Mayor Lauter

Setting details: it’s still in Gravesfield, CT which still has its same Puritan vs witches branding. The mascot is a pilgrim and that IS Gus in the suit. Who has more school spirit than Augustus Porter? (No one.) 

So a few changes I’m making to make the toh cast slot a bit easier into the framework 

Belos is a fundamentalist preacher who’s raising his “niece”. Yes he DID kill Caleb and Charlotte. No one knows tho. It was lords in black related. Does that make it better? eh

Hunter is trans masc and a TOTAL egg. Right now, he’s a very enthusiastic little warrior for purity culture. Yes, he’s trying to get the dance canceled, YES he’s bullied a lot for being a “nerdy prude”. Not gonna dead name him but. He wouldn’t realize he’s a guy until significantly after the events of this musical 

Luz has NOT been in amity’s class since the 1st grade. She only moved here a year ago

Amity is still the mayor’s daughter and she and Boscha used to date. Amity’s stopped actively bullying people after they broke up and she’s felt like, guilty about it, but she’s never seen how much more.. Physical? Boscha’s bullying got than hers did. Sure, Amity was a queen of psychological warfare, but she never beat people up in the parking lot. 

Luz moves to Gravesfield during her junior year of high school. Amity and Boscha on the cusp of breaking up, so things are changing in their social hierarchy. For one, Amity is backing away from bullying and the spotlight and for two Boscha is getting WORSE. She when Luz moves in and aligns herself with “half-a-woman Willow” and Steve Urkel.. She’s thrown to the bottom of the school hierarchy immediately. Looney Lulu is what comes to mind first. 

Enter Boscha: literal monster, best quarterback in the school’s history and the first girl (she works that angle as hard as she can), and QUEEN of the school. She’s amity’s ex and like… mainly over her. 

Okay, who are we kidding? She’s not over her. Not at all. Boscha decides to put all her “trying to make amity jealous and take me back” energy into seducing amity’s least favorite student: local nerdy prude, preacher’s “niece” wittebane. 

Hunter and amity do NOT get along. At all. They’re duking it out for the valedictorian spot, their respective guardians are pitting them against each other, and they both just find the other… insufferable. 

So trying to bag the “girl” who’s the forbidden fruit and maybe making amity mad enough to take her back with it too? It’s worth a try, at least. 

Amity, meanwhile, is failing theater. She’s getting very frustrated and flustered and asks luz to be her scene partner so maybe she doesn’t fall on her ass. Luz is nervous because this is Amity Blight, super cool girl who used to be very mean to willow and now isn’t really a bully but is just? Way cooler than they are? Amity’s able to talk her into it. 

The teacher heaps a LOT of praise onto them and their chemistry and promises them good grades in the future if they keep working with each other. This leads to amity calling luz and trying to set up the pasqualli’s date. 

Boscha, meanwhile, is cornering hunter near the gym where he’s protesting the concept of dancing. He gets freaked out when boscha starts getting very very flirty and he gets really flustered because? Girl? Girl flirt with me? Also a girl? Hahahaha NO I AM NOT GAY I AM NOT- and he’s having a little sexuality crisis. Willow, who’s done putting up with boscha’s shit right here in the school building, hurls a waterbottle across the room in between them. 

Hunter SPRINTS away because OH BOY I WAS EXPERIENCING SOMETHING STRANGE AND UNWELCOME NO THANK YOU NO THANK YOU- and then he finds out that newly buff and gaining more confidence willow is the one who saved him. And she’s just like oh yeah anytime. No one should corner other people like that. And his little heart is going bEEPBEEPBEEEP BEEEEEEEEEEPPP and the rest of his body is not calming down either, ya know? 

Unwanted sexual attractions experienced by local nerdy prude today: 2. Fantasies experienced in the bathtub: 2 very, very different ones in a single sequence. 

Luz gets the shit kicked out of her at pasqualli’s because she runs into boscha before she finds amity and she’s like no i’m not gonna cower AMITY BLIGHT INVITED ME HERE! And. that. DOES NOT GO WELL 

Willow is ready to go to war over this when they get to school the next morning because she WARNED luz that amity wasn’t to be trusted and look? Look what happened! And luz is like yeah you also said i should stand up for myself- and willow’s like husssshhh. 

They plan a prank in the bathroom that goes very poorly. Hunter writes gus a detention slip for being in the girls’ bathroom (he should have written himself one too!) and then they prank the shit out of Boscha. 

To the point she. You know. Dies. then they have to dismember her at hunter’s urging! Hooray!!!!

Cue peace and love at the high school :) until poor gus dies. I’m sorry dude! You’re the mascot you were cursed. Of course the quarterback was going after you first. 

Boscha goes after luz second because she’s the dweeb who thought that she could steal boscha’s girl. Luckily for luz and amity both, they were together at this point and they RUN as fast as they can. Luz demands they go find willow because she’s probably the next victim, and they find her mid-boscha kill. She lost an arm because boscha was trying to take the “half-a-” thing to its logical, puny extreme. They rush her off to the hospital. The police come to question them. 

And then pastor wittebane comes with hunter in tow. He pulls something with the police about the parks wanting him to perform a protestant equivalent of anointing of the sick on their ailing daughter. 

Pastor wittebane very clearly knows what happened. 

“I thought you were gonna keep the beans cool!” Amity demands. 

“I couldn’t,” hunter tells her. 

“Fucking useless, wittebane,” amity mutters. 

Pastor wittebane glares at all of them. “You are going to get in my car and come with me.” 

“That sounds bad,” luz says, “my mom told me to never be one on one with religious officials.” 

“Fine,” he says, “if you’d like to be the next victim, be my guest.” 

They all get in the car, except Willow, who’s bed-bound. (Luckily, since she’s already in the hospital, boscha thinks of her as less of a kill count priority.) 

Belos takes them out ot the middle of the woods and makes them dig up the black book. Then boscha kills him! We DO get boscha killing belos, so i think that’s a win. They flee the scene, run into some cops, then make it to the high school to complete the ritual. 

We’ve got amity, luz, and hunter on the floor of the gym summoning the evil teletubbies. The evil teletubbies REALLY want amity to kill luz. They get to have their cool as i think i am reprise <3 and then the bullet leaves the gun and boscha catches it. Because she is very, very excited to do luz in personally. She’s still debating whether or not she’s gonna end amity, but luz IS going to die. In front of amity. For absolutely certain. 

Boscha’s getting ready to take care of another nerdy prude when hunter bursts out like HELLO YES! I AM READY TO HAVE THE SEXUAL INTERCOURSE! And boscha’s just like… whut? And then he gets very flirty and goes along with the stuff that she was saying earlier, and he’s.. Legit into it. Sure, flirting with hunter was half to spite amity, but she’s still very turned on by the idea of corrupting the perfect angel church girl into having hot and heavy sex with her on the football field. And making amity watch? That’s a bonus. Maybe she’ll get a threesome out of it. 

Hunter sends boscha to hell with the power of his jesus freak virginity, luz and amity have sixteen different crises, and willow lives to hear the whole crazy tale. Luz and willow mourn gus, hunter goes through the weird process of mourning his uncle while also realizing he’s glad that the guy’s gone and gets to know the shoulder ANGEL part of the shoulder angel and shoulder devil fantasy he was experiencing, and amity hides the book away in her own personal safe to try to keep it away from bad actors. 

It doesn’t keep it safe from mayor odalia blight, but… that’s not going to be that big of a deal.. Right? RIGHT?!?!?!

[batmanshole]

So this is a saga and it starts in the 6th grade (11yrs old) and goes until now (I'm going to turn 21 this year). Mild nsfw warning but nothing serious. There's a lot of context needed. In middle school I sort of curated the gayest most toxic friend group and it seemed like whenever we'd get bored we'd start dating each other. I was best friends (at the time) with this (then egg) trans guy we'll call James and another close friend of mine we'll call Eve. Eve was friends with another one we'll call Kate, but we didn't get friendly until far later bc I was always starting shit for no reason.

In 6th grade me and James became best friends and we're so close everyone always thought we were dating (also bc I was one of the only "out" gays at school) and even though I really was into him, he didnt wanna date me n that was ok 👍 My feelings for him wore off a little so in 7th grade I started dating Eve bc I wanted a girlfriend regardless and found her cute. Towards the end of the school year we break up bc we started drifting apart due to her thinking I still liked James (didn't) and then she starts going behind my back to be affectionate with Kate so I break up with her and listen to Electra Heart album in bed crying.

During the Summer I start getting pranky with my other friends and me and this other kid decide to super glue a dildo to Eve's house bc she was going around making fun of me with my friend group and others behind my back about owning a dildo and shaming me for it. I didn't feel like using it anymore due to the bullying so it was time to make her pay. Btw she lived right next to me. The glue ...doesn't work, in short. I sneak into her backyard (or what I thought was her yard) and put it in an above ground pool with a tarp on it. Come back the next day, it's still there, and its not her yard. So I put it in her mailbox, wet and covered in dried globs of super glue.

8th grade kinda sucks all my friends from that group started hating me bc Eve's side got taken. James was on the fence but hung out with me still. Kate was Kate. 9th grade starts,I begin to reflect, James throws a birthday party at his house for another friend and I see Eve and her brothers there and I personally apologize for dildo mailbox. They all don't know what I'm talking about at all. I'm shocked. Meaning, either their mom, their dad, or their cop grandpa found it. Whatever. The siblings forgive me and find it extremely funny.

James becomes a cunt and we have numerous falling outs (the latest being 2ish yrs ago but he's not coming back in my life ever lol). Kate became semi-close to me in high school but we lost contact. Me and Eve still live right next to each other but don't interact ever. I saw her at the gas station I walk to sometimes and she jumpscared me lol. Anyway that's my story

can you buy a bigger dildo to put in her mailbox again. for old times sake. also the part about electra heart is so so real

[my-demons-personified]

Day 48- the drums of liberation are beating

it’s been a while. Not because nothing has happened but because I just don’t know how, when, where, or why I must post. You could say I got gay bait writers block

so I got a Blåhaj now! His name is Blåhaj but the B stands for Bungus which stands for Bustling Fungus so he basically comes with 3 names. I love him so much. Just merely holding him gives me a mood boost so good it makes me play games better. My first replay of Celeste with him was a new PB of 1:06:19.037 which is a really good decrease from my first few runs that ended at around an hour thirty-ish (longer than that but fuck off) and I don’t think my parents are catching on.

I don’t know how my parents aren’t catching on because I shaved my legs and stuff. They are VERY aware of my love for casket and Guilty Gear in general as well. I think I’d have to straight up tell them at this point because I don’t think my mom’s caught on even after I told her that my gaydar is very good so she shouldn’t be surprised if I end up gay. I’m thinking of asking her if she thinks I’m any flavor of gay and say I’m asking because kids at school say I give off a homosexual energy.

I also took Blåhaj to Miku boy’s house and every time I go there, I learn something new about the T in the alphabet mafia’s true name… why does this guy know so much about estrogen?? It’s getting concerning that he knows how to COOK the stuff and seems to look more and more feminine by the day like are you not telling me something? I’m not only getting better at bracket, I’m also playing I-No a little bit. I’m shit at her but you know how it is. The Limp Bisket Guilty Gear Strive plushie is arriving in May too! This whole be gay do crime thing is getting good…

I also had my first therapy session in YEARS and while I didn’t tell the therapist about the town inside me, I probably will next session. Yesterday’s therapy session was pretty productive and I like my therapist. It’s crazy how having a good therapist and being willing to actually cooperate makes therapy addictive… I really don’t know how to explain all of the gay gay that’s been going on. What the hell will she do when I say, “My friends have been calling me gay since 7th grade and recently ever since I picked up the game ‘Celeste’ I’ve been getting called trans and some of my friends are exposing patterns in my thoughts, feelings, and actions to show that it completely makes sense without plot holes but the thing is is that they’re most likely very right but I’ve been saying that I’m not either attracted to men or think I’m a woman even though I’m feeling both very hard and it’s starting to really get to me because while they only found out the trans allegations a few months ago, I’ve been feeling this way to a lesser extent since early 2023 when I played a romhack of Pokémon emerald called ‘Pokémon emerald rogue’ and was allowed to be a black girl in a yellow and black colored fit and it was the first time I felt anything like that before and everything is very confusing and I think it’s affecting every aspect of my life in one way or another but I’m too deep into repressing it to come out about this and I’m already black so I don’t need more things for cops to shoot me over and new things for people to bully me over so I feel trapped.” Like I wouldn’t know how to respond to the run on sentence final boss either tbh. I can kind of splurge like that on the internet since none of you know me and there are zero consequences to saying this, but imagine if my mom overheard this. That’d fuck everything up.

I’ve also been congested for a while. Not related but also I’ve had to take like 8 tests since the last time I posted. It feels really good to release all of this like a Makankōsappō fresh from the fingertips. I’m gonna go beat Celeste again. 20 times isn’t enough, I need to hit 30.

Mfw literally everything is shit and I want to die but a really good song is playing in my earbuds

[gameside]

Why the hell did they think I was a troll?? Was that a democrat or republican, Because I can't tell but it could very well be either because both sides have some crazy fucking people. I don't even think what I want is that insane, But then again I haven't posted here since my mother finally stopped basically feeding me 24/7 insane propaganda like 'snake people' and shit.

I'm not even against abortion 100%, I just don't think the procedure should be a fucking thing outside of medical reasons!!! Medical reasons being the mother would die from the birth and a pill wouldn't take care of it. Abortion pills work for 15 weeks, AKA 3.5 fucking months!! Thats enough, Isn't it?? I can understand case by case using the procedure if pills aren't working, But gosh!

I'm not giving cops money and cheering them on in the streets, But I'm also not gonna tell them to fucking die!! Saying all cops are bad because there are a few that's corrupted is crazy! I've had cops save my life, I've had them traumatize me as well. Yes, Some are absolutely fucking insane and not ready to be a cop! We don't need to abolish police, (though I would REALLY prefer the alternative of ELECTING A SHERRIF and letting them have a DEPUTY and that be it, The Deputy giving others training to be public servant ect ect or whatever happens with deputies) We just need to give all police officers the same training military gets so they don't accidentally shoot, So they're ready for situations that would require being calm even if they're at gunpoint!! Give them a fucking mental evaluation!!

And don't get me fucking STARTED on school shootings. It could ALL be PREVENTED by giving teachers guns inside of a safe, In every classroom. Mental evaluations every WEEK for the teachers. School shootings are so common now, But when my dad was a kid they had shit like archery practice and he told me that in his entire time there no accidents happened!!! It got banned after some parents complained it 'could be dangerous.' Schools need way more fucking funding and put TRUSTED people as teachers. We need to give our schools the help we can since the fucking government isnt.

And I'm gay, You all know my fucking stance on that. I think being trans is a REAL thing that happens! I think some people would GENUINELY be happier as the other gender, But I think letting children, Who're EASILY INFLUENCED by EVERYTHING!!! I thought I was a fucking zombie because I loved zombie movies!! If I could've chosen I would've LOVED to be PERMANENTLY DISFIGURED to LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE!! And I would've fucking regretted it later. My entire life I've gone by so many different names. 'Zack' in kindergarten through 2nd grade, And then in 3rd I tried to get everyone to call me 'Rose' And then, In 7th grade, For a while, I used my real name. Then in 9th I told people I was trans and to call me Mark. It's since been changed again, But I don't wanna give out my age, Grade or new name people could identify me irl with. I am biologically a woman (and don't plan on changing that, I just like guy names) and so many times in the past I would have JUMPED at the chance to do hormone therapy, WHICH MULTIPLE PEOPLE WHO'VE GONE ON SAY IS NOT REVERSABLE LIKE THEY SAY, Or to completely transition. The reason so many trans people kill themselves isn't from bullying, It's because so many people make a mistake and rush to cut it off or stitch it on and then realize they'll never be the same, Or they realize that it hurts horribly every day and theres no going back to how they used to be, Or they realize they weren't trans in the first place. Some people just like people someone else online, Being different characters, Or like being boys online and a girl in real life. That isn't them being trans, Its just liking a persona. I probably worded this one weirdly I'll just take asks about it and clarify anything that may have came off wrong

I am autistic and have ADHD, BPD and possibly schizophrenia, So I'm not ableist.

My older sister, Whom I grew up with and love dearly, Is black. I do not find my race superior to any others, So I'm not a racist.

My dad is the most important person in my life, And I want to be just like him, No daddy issues.

Mommy issues though, You got me there haha

I don't hate men, In fact so many times here I've stuck up for them. Equal rights, Equal fights. Equal rights ALSO means whatever a WOMAN does, It's okay for a MAN to do. Single fathers shouldnt get suspicious or dirty looks just for fucking existing with their child.

I don't hate women, I love women (literally I'm a lesbian). I think equal pay is fair if both genders are doing the same amount of work, So like. Basically I think more jobs should be 'You get paid per amount of work' and not 'fuck you guys even if he sleeps all day and does none of the work we pay him twice as much because he's been here long >:('

I have bitches, Usually a new one every week honestly (I start relationships fast, I'm 'pretty' for societies standards so it's easy to get more girls), But I'm settling down for now and I'm actually happy

I don't know why I'm still writing literally nobody asked okay bye

[the-silent-hashira]

nonono your answer absolutely makes sense!

for the longest time whenever i would go up to my mom with concerns about people before i meet them she'd be like "oh don't worry she's a woman she'll be okay" and in my head I'll try to make myself believe it but i never really identified with that notion that women are better with children than men?

also i was pulled out of public school in the 3rd grade and for the longest time my only interactions with people in the meatspace were when my grandma would take me to her moose lodge chapter (basically a country club for poor people tbh, though my immediate family was never working class) and i made some friends there. i only hung out with the boys and my mom flipped the hell out when she found out I'd befriended a 17 y/o boy at 13 (my grandma put a stop to this when she said the 17 y/o was also autistic and was really good with people younger than him)

- ezra

that makes a lot of sense really, i dont really know why the expectation of women being better with children is so prevalent when so many women actively voice that they just do not like children, but thats sexism to you ig!

im bisexual but like. sometimes im way more wary of women, or especially teenage girls even as an adult. i was never hurt by the boys as much as the girls- thats probably because a lot of afab people are conditioned to believe that they have to prove themselves as 'better' than the others around them in order to be respected, and its often a subconscious bias that they dont realize is happening.

ive been pretty isolated my whole life, but the few female friends i had growing up saw me as inferior to them, thus an acceptable friend to have as they could be assured i wouldnt be taking attention from them. it was never intentional i dont think, but every time i got bullied it was the girls who always just turned away, or worse, joined in. they often even looked guilty for it, so i never really blamed them for it all. if anything, it meant that i was a threat to the people who DID bully me.

i think sometimes, when girls see you as a threat, they give you MORE attention, often negative, because the goal is to be seen as The Most among their peers. giving someone like me negative attention encourages other girls to do it as it can often give them positive attention from each other. its kinda like antis but less direct targeting and more a collective social norm being perpetuated.

meanwhile, amab people and men are often conditioned to just not fucking care, in both a negative and positive way. boys will be boys, but for some of them the not caring applies to who you hang out with and just accepting certain people without really thinking about it.

you can end up with a really shitty friend group because you just think that youre all just being boys, and other times it means you make friends with the bullied kids easier because they arent focused on the same things- guys dont always care whether youre pretty, whether youre The Best in class, and they dont always care about what you can do for them.

its easier to make friends because its all typically surface level, they dont really like digging into the emotional depth and while thats also a problem, it makes it way easier for ostricized girls to make friends like with the kid you made friends with. i mean he was autistic, too, he was probably equally as ostricized.

all this is to say that you being adverse to women is understandable given both your treatment from those teachers and the idea that women are always safe with other women, when a lot of them are basically conditioned to be cruel to each other to maintain autonomy of some sort.

feel like thats why a lot of people who are ND and traumatized identify as trans, they literally do not feel like they belong with their assigned gender because of the expectations that come with it.

[runthepockets]

White trans men kinda piss me off and are impossible to talk to for this reason. Like they're socialized with the idea that anyone with a dick is the enemy, and they just believe it. Even when they transition and are regularly read as people with penises, they're just like "well this doesn't apply to me" instead of wondering what leads people to these conclusions in the first place. Growing up many of my peers were black and latino boys, and that was the manhood that shaped me. Becoming a man and regularly passing as your average cis black guy lead me further down a hole of intersectional feminism and brought me closer to these men that I previously thought possible and made it easier to accept myself, too. I don't understand why white trans men are not doing this for themselves and the men (both cis and trans) in their lives.

And it's not entirely their fault, of course, there's also the Gamergate guys and the Incels and the Joe Rogan types, centuries upon centuries of slavery-- it's definitely harder for them to make peace with their birthright in some ways than it is for mine in the same ways. I come from the men who invented everything from Rock music, Rap, R&B, and Hip Hop, to the guys that probably built the sidewalks you walk on and pick up the garbage you put out every week. This is a very different and kinder reality than the descendants of men who stole these things, and are directly responsible for putting other men (and women) in positions of financial and physical vulnerability. They have very few role models that do the right things for the right reasons. As much as they annoy me, I feel for white trans guys.

That said.....those guys are a fairly small demographic of the world. The right wing / annoying dudes you knew in high school do not have the monopoly on anything. Those guys are more often than not read as incompetent weirdos who live in insular echo chambers with other white people and a handful of self hating nonwhite people. Like, just cus me and Andrew Tate are both straight black guys doesn't mean you're going to see me trying to make up for all of his failures. That's simply not realistic and simply not what I was put on this Earth to do, especially when I know most straight black men are not Andrew Tate anyway.

There are some very nice white boys out there, some who laugh at inappropriate times and some with shaved heads and "poor" fashion sense and many with penises. And a lot of them are chill dudes. I'm personally a big fan of John Goodman, Tony Hawk, Steve-O, Riley Gale, John Tardy, Dylan Walker, Chase Mason, Zach Hill, Hunter S. Thompson, and, of course, Travis Miller (Lil Ugly Mane). My best friend in 3rd grade-- a white boy-- started the semester hating me for racist reasons, then came around to protect me from every bully and indulge me during every playground LARP fantasy of Mortal Kombat and the previous weekend's Naruto episode, because he got to know me a little better over the course of the year. It's not the end of the world if you slip up, sometimes. It's your reception (or lack thereof) to change and growth that really dictate your character.

There are many ways to be a good white dude that don't boil down to perpetually framing yourself as frail and waifish to alleviate yourself as all responsibility, or constantly self deprecating, or worse yet framing yourself as superior due to being a male feminist (that's basically what every post that frames trans men as superior to cis men boils down to, to me) and/or knocking cis guys for everything from being (understandably) insecure around hobbies and clothes that they were taught to read as feminine, to, like, just straight up having "different chromosomes" rather than their actual, material harm toward women children and queer people. Like it's really not as stressful as a lot of you are making it for yourselves. Please heal.

Every day a white trans guy has to reconcile being a feminist with his white masculinity and he has to make it everyone else's problem. Like bro, you can smoke shirtless on your porch and still think women are people. You can lift at the gym and still think women are people. You can play video games with a shaved head and still think women are people. You can have a dick and still think women are people. Cis men do it every day. Trans men too. You will be ok.

[quillsink]

AIGHT WHO WANTS TO HEAR ABOUT THE BLORBOS FROM MY MIND!! part 1/???

Okay so if you’ve followed me for a bit you’ve probably heard about my OCs. I have a Lot of them but the main three whom I love with all my heart are James, Alan and Chris!! Putting this under cut because it is Long as hell. Please send me asks about them I love them so fucking much

Okay so James, Alan and Chris are a trio of friends! I created them in January 2021. James is the most developed character and my personal fav (don’t tell alan and chris shhhh) he was the first one to be created! Alan, his best friend, followed and then Chris. 

The trio are a group of low ranked soldiers in the Revolutionary War, all of the trio in their early twenties with Alan being the oldest at 25 and a half and James the youngest at 21/22/23 (haven’t decided his age yet rip). 

All three have very different personalities although they all look like your average dude and they all bond over a bunch of shit especially mental illness and being queer (totally not projecting here. nope not at all)

Anyways enough rambling time to introduce them!!

In this post I’ll be talking about James, I’ll talk about Alan and Chris in other posts!

James Evans

JAMES, MY CHILD MT SWEET BABY BOY I WANT TO CRADLE THIS FULLY GROWN MAN AND KISS HIM ON THE FOREHEAD AND TUCK HIM INTO BED, HE IS MY BOY, MY SWEET CHILD, MY LVIE MY DARLING ANGLE CHILD I WOULD GIVE MY LIFE FOR THIS MAN THAY I MADE UP

Okay now time to actually introduce him to yall!

James is your average mentally ill white boy, you can find millions of them in high school classrooms across America. He was born to a poor family and his parents were okayish but he basically fucked off and did his own thing like jon clark and then proceeded to be traumatised because I can’t let my OCs have nice things!

James is cis, he uses he/him, is the sort of guy who’s like “i do not understand what trans people are in the slightest but if anyone misgenders you i will push them into a river,” and yeah he’s pretty cool!! He’s gay and I basically coped with my internalised homophobia by projecting it onto him so yeah that fucked him up Badly.

I basically like invented him because I needed a gay character for a fic and then realised I accidentally gave him like, character traits, and now here I am over a year later still obsessed with this white guy I made up

Anyways him being gay is pretty central to his character, it reallt contributed to the alienation he faced growing up and this whole sense of being different from everyone else, it also made him more withdrawn but it also made him stronger and helped him learn how to endure the unendurable and being gay led to him making some reallt strong connections with some of his closest friends.

He has depression and anxiety and is some form of neurodivergent, probably adhd but he has no clue what is going on Up There except that he is Different  and it fucked him up as a kid. He was bullied and teased a lot so he became reallt withdrawn and quite. He wasn’t like teacher’s pet gifted kid but he was decently smart and got through til tenth grade, then had to work to support his family.

Now, when he’s like 20ish, ✨ le amrev ✨ starts and this mf signs up to be a soldier because like idk why not. That’s his entire motto brosties hes literally just some guy. He wakes up and he does things and he’s gay and then he goes to sleep. That’s it that’s his life and that’s very sexy of him actually

Anyways he signs up for the army and so does our bestie Alan. Alan and James are very very different but they end up becoming besties and James being the gay idiot (affectionate) that he is ends up falling head over heals for this depressed mf and spends his days being gay for Alan! They’re very close friends and I haven’t decided when they met yet, childhood or teens or army but ah well

Anyways onto James’s personality! He is my sweet baby boy and I love him very much in case I have not made that clear! Anyways he is Anxious. A lot. All the time. And he’s a major people pleaser as well and he often puts others before himself to his detriment at times until alan is like motherfucker take care of yourself

James is also one of the victims of something I like to call the great depresso  and he’s had it since he was like twelve but he’s just like vibing at this point. Like yeah I hate my life and I want to (redacted) sometimes but idk life’s pretty neat. Depression is shitty for him and he can be pessimistic at times 

but at the end of the day he is an optimist and he always finds hope in *everything* to the point where alan is like brostie if you don’t stop being happy then you’ll cute mt depression and the one steady thing in my life will be gone and james is like well what about me and they have an awkward gay moment 

ALAN AND JAMES’ DYNAMIC THO >>>>> i love them sm it’s unreal i will literally just think about them. like just have thoughts about them. like literally.

I’ll talk abt that later after I introduce Alan’s character!

OKAY NOW. AN IMPORTANT PART. JAMES AND LAURENS!!

James and John are like, besties and I love their dynamic so fuxking much. I would kill to see the two of them interact like i fucking love them so much you don’t even understand.

Anyways James and my interpretation of John are very very similar. Both very withdrawn very quiet very repressed desperate for affection sensitive affected really badly by homophobia internal and external dont trust very easily. They bond instantly and there is something there and they don’t really know what it is bevause it’s like they’ve never met anyone else so similar to them before. They’re like brothers.

The two of them have a quiet understanding. They can wander the woods for hours and say barely a few words but they understand, one heart can speak to another if they are designed to fit together. They met and they....clicked. It took time for both of them to learn to trust the other and realise the other wouldn’t betray them and report them for being gay but soon they’re the closest of friends. And then John fucking dies 

Also like the dynamic between James and John is entirely platonic btw they don’t have any romantic feelings for each other, they’re like soulmates but platonic 

Also I cannot understate how much I love James and John silently wandering the woods together. The woods are very very important for James and Alan and to John too and James and John find a shared peace in this. They just wander the woods for hours on end John lying down with his eyes closed head resting on a log James staring up at the canopy watching the sunlight filter through asking John why God invented sunlight John saying because he needed a place to put love.

Wait that was oddly poetic 

Anyways James james james. James my sweet beloved boy. James james james anxious smiles hugging his best friend coming to terms with being gay nervously approaching people he thinks are cool laying in grass fields wooden cabins soft breezes James. James mt angel darling child. I would die for this man. *shakes you by the shoulders* DO YOU UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE HIM