k0dante

[k0dante]

My experience as an underage pansexual trans guy

As I am writing this, I am 14-years-old. It’s the 7th of December, and my birthday is in one month. I am a trans guy, and have known that since I was 12. I hate that fact about myself. I am writing this as a way to let it all out. To tell my story, and what led to my realisation. What happened after.

I don’t remember that much from my early childhood. But I do remember being told a lot to be more “ladylike” by my parents and grandparents. Or I am just imagining that. That’s also a possibility. Wouldn’t be the first time. I remember wearing a lot of dresses, and liking them. I don’t think I actually liked wearing them, just how they looked. I still like how dresses look, but just the thought of having to wear one makes me almost cry. 

Whenever I wore dresses, I wouldn’t sit properly. My mom always told me to keep my legs together. I didn’t understand why. It was uncomfortable, but I tried to do so anyway. I am the youngest in my family of three children, so I always had to sit in the middle seat of the car. I remember complaining about not having enough leg space, but the answer was always “Your brothers are boys, so they need it more”. I questioned that back then. Nowadays I understand, but the lack of space for my legs as a kid was uncomfortable, especially as I grew.

I have always been bigger and taller than the other people my age. As a kid I was really uncomfortable when the teachers said that they needed strong boys to help them carry things. I was as strong as the boys, if not even stronger, so why couldn’t I help? Whenever I got to help, I carried as much stuff as I could, just to prove that I was as strong as the boys. I think lots of cis girls also have been through this, and the usual sayings like “He only bullies you because he has a crush on you” that I got. But for me, I didn’t feel like I had been insulted as lesser as a girl, or called weak for being a girl. I felt like I had been called weaker than the other boys. I felt uncomfortable being grouped with the girls, being called a “lady” and a “little girl”.

I forced myself to have a “crush” on the best looking boy as a child. I don’t think it was a crush. Or even one of those child crushes. I think I wanted to be like them. I remember being a stupid child with two of my friends, a girl and a boy. We were in kindergarten. We went to play in this one room, without an adult. Because we were stupid and curious children, the boy took off his pants. I remember being jealous, even though that boy was kind of someone I “liked”.

Before first grade, probably the early spring before school, I got my first phone that had unlimited access to the internet. I think the internet ruined me. I was about 7 back then(I live in Finland). Before that I had a Nokia, that only had offline games and I could only send messages. My new phone was a Huawei. Obviously I quickly discovered YouTube, as my siblings had shown me lots of videos. I also made a YouTube channel. I started with showing my face, but once my parents found out, I started making Littlepetshop videos. The videos were cringe, but I have a soft spot for them.

It wasn’t until I discovered Gacha that I started making connections with other Finnish Gacha and LPS YouTubers. That was when I got my first positive impressions of the LGBTQ+ community. Before that I had heard the word “gay” only as an insult. I was about 8/9 at that time. A girl that said she was 2 or 3 years older than me(I can’t remember) told me she was pansexual. I didn’t understand what that meant, so she explained it. I supported her, and the other people that came out. Around that time I also joined a lot of roleplaying WhatsApp groups, and met a lot of people. I heard the word “lesbian” and thought about it. I liked girls, not boys. That was something I thought. I think I was just jealous of them. I also got a Gacha girlfriend. A real one. I think she was a bit, like a year, two, or three years older. But that was fine to me. It was just Gacha, and we were just children.

When I was 10, just a little after my birthday in January, the girl stopped making videos, and fully stopped Gacha, so our ocs broke up. I was crushed. So was my internet best friend, who knew this girl irl. However, I got over it fast, and tried to find a new girlfriend for my oc, and I did. The person who said she was pansexual.

Remember I mentioned roleplaying groups? Well, I met someone in a Gacha roleplaying group. I made a character that dated their character. We had lots of inappropriate roleplays. That was normal in the groupchats, but ours was in private. They were about 6 years older. Both of our characters were girls, and they would call me by my character’s name. I was really uncomfortable with that. I didn’t like being called “Rose”.

Over like a month or a bit more, I got feelings for the person who was my Gacha girlfriend. I tried hinting at how much I wanted a girlfriend at a Gachatuber chat, and she actually said she could be that! She was my first real girlfriend. We were pretty happy together. Obviously since it was the cringe year 2020, we were cringe too. Calling ourselves “yandere” and stuff. She revealed to me in private her secret, she wasn’t actually older than me, but born the same year. Actually, she was 4 months younger. I was fine with this.

At some point in our relationship, I figured I wasn’t actually lesbian, but bisexual. I could see myself having a relationship with a boy. I also had flaws. Big flaws. I was really jealous. Because she was that kind of person who wasn’t online for days, and because communicating through the internet was our only way, it made me worried. And she posted a lot about her irl friend. It made me overly jealous. But I told her about this, and she helped me deal with it.

Remember the person that was 6 years older? Well, everyone basically hated them now for being stupid. They told us that they were autistic. I feel bad for bullying them, but autism doesn’t excuse the shitty behaviour, like asking out a 13-year-old. They told us they were trans. A trans guy. I don’t know what they go by these days, so I am using they/them pronouns.

When I was freshly 11, I was in a lot of queer groups on the internet. This was before the person came out. One of the groups had a link to a trans-only group. I didn’t know what it meant, but I wanted to be involved as a queer kid. I said I was a trans girl, which was far from the truth, as I was born a girl. I thought that “trans” was just a cool thing to put in front of your gender. That should have been a sign. Once I found out what trans meant, I quickly left the groupchat.

Let’s go back to the year 2020. Imagine it’s spring, and a 10-year-old child is watching animation memes on YouTube. Then, they stumble across a “Dream Team animatic”. They watch a few more, and think “that’s cool, but i don’t understand so I couldn’t be bothered”. It wasn’t until later that year, like late autumn or early winter, that I found out about Dream SMP. I immediately loved it. I don’t understand everything, but I do some. It’s the coolest shit ever. Minecraft? Hell yeah! Roleplaying? Fun! I am now obsessed with it, like I had been with FNaF and Undertale as a small child.

Now, back to early 2021. I love Dream SMP, I like writing, and I have an amazing girlfriend. All at 11! What could go wrong? I mean, yeah, my grandma that I loved dearly died last autumn, and yeah, maybe I don’t really have friends, like, at all.. Or maybe one. But otherwise it’s fun! Oh, and I’m now in 4th grade! And we are studying something I didn’t know I loved so much, countries! I open YouTube to find videos about these countries. Oh, what’s that?.. country…humans..? I guess that’s one new thing to obsess over! A lot. Even to the point of showing videos to my dad.

As it may seem, my life was pretty great outside of feeling lonely. Things I liked, even coming up with my first story. Until I got the great idea to propose to my girlfriend. At 11. The 13th of May 2021. The last month of school before summer break. I biked 6 kilometres to the most romantic spot I knew in my small town. I had came up with a long paragraph about how much I loved her. I took a picture of two rings. First, I sent the paragraph. And just before I could send the picture and propose, she responded saying “Awh, thank you.. But I think I see you more like a friend. Sorry…”. I was crushed, even though thinking back I think that was for the best. I just accepted it, and left the spot to go home. Soon after that, I started hearing weird voices. I didn’t know what they were, so I was very obviously scared. I told my internet friends about them, and nothing they said helped me feel better. So, I told my friend, and someone I had known since first grade, and they told me to go to the school psychologist. Once I actually went there, I told her about the voices, what they said, and showed her the cuts on my wrists. Some were older, some fresher. I lied earlier. I wasn’t over my grandma’s death. The loneliness had bothered me. I couldn’t go to anyone unless they came to me first. She called my parents and the local health centre. My parents came to pick me up, and we went to the health centre. They sent me to Oulu. To the children’s psychiatric department. Basically psych ward, or something. There I was forced to come out as bisexual to my parents by the doctor. I also had to stay there for a few nights. At 11.

It wasn’t that bad there after all. I met this one boy, and this one person that was non-binary. After hearing why they were there, I felt like my problem wasn’t that bad compared to theirs. I liked being their friend. The non-binary person also liked Dream SMP. I also tried to summon a demon there with them. Whenever we had our phones, I would watch countryhumans videos. Later I found out besides hearing voices, I have anxiety, social anxiety, and “low mood”, whatever that means. Nowadays I am in therapy.

Later that year in autumn, I went to fifth grade. I had a friend. They were also queer, and to still day is, even though we aren’t friends anymore. I liked Blind Channel, as they had been in Eurovision earlier that year, and I was at their concert. Barely anything happened, except for when my sister came out as a trans woman at the start of 2022. I was one of the first people she came out to. I felt honoured. I knew she was struggling with severe depression, so I was happy for her. She was there for me, so I wanted to be there for her. The problem is my birthday in January. I was now 12. I celebrated it with my cousin and sister at our grandpa’s house. My cousin called it a “girl’s party”. I didn’t understand why, but I hated that, but didn’t say anything.

In like February, we were having a game night with my brother, sister, two cousins, and their friend. My brother left early, because he had stuff to do, but I stayed, because I was going to stay at my sister’s house. Later once we were going to leave, our cousins had a fight, and the other one(the one who I am closer to and spent my birthday with) had a panic attack. Me and my sister stayed there to comfort her, while our other cousin and his friend went outside to get the car ready to drop off me and my sister. Once we finally got to the car, they started to argue again, so me being the sensitive freshly 12-year-old kid started to have my own panic attack and crying, so I left the car with my sister until the others figured it out. There me and my sister talked, and she confessed that she had tried to kill herself, but spit the medicine out as she thought about me. I think about this to this day, even though in about 2 months it has been 3 years.

 At this point my interest in countryhumans had faded, but I still loved Dream SMP. I could fully understand them now. I liked the queer things they had going on there. I also really liked ships like BakuDeku, DabiHawks, and later Byler.

I remember the fateful night. I was alone in my family’s caravan, while my mom and dad were out drinking. I was thinking. Earlier, I had been so sure I was a bisexual demigirl, but now I was having doubts. My realization was actually pretty anticlimactic. I did a “am I trans?” quiz. It said I was, so, I kinda just stuck with that because that was how I felt. I finally found out the reason for some of my behaviour. I also figured out I was gay. This was where my actual problems started.

At first I was happy I figured myself out, but then I was horrified. What was I gonna tell my parents? I had seen how they reacted to my sister coming out. They said they accepted her, but talked bad about her behind her back. I didn’t want to live knowing my parents talked bad about me. No, that wasn’t an option. I couldn’t tell them. My dad already hated the way I dress, since it was too “masculine”.

The first person I came out to was my sister. I told her over a snap. Obviously she accepted me. I told her my new name, and she instantly joked to make me feel better(the name is Daniel).

Now I finally had a word for the discomfort I felt in my body. I thought it was only the fact that I am fat, but now I knew it was that, and dysphoria. Great. I really hated my face, my chest, stomach, thighs, everything.

I came out to my friend at the start of sixth grade. They accepted me, but refused to call me Daniel, as it was their dead older brother’s name(older brother who died at birth), so they called me just Dan. I accepted that, even though I kinda hated it. I wanted to be called by my real name. I never really liked nicknames.

During the start of sixth grade, I also got my first short haircut! It was pretty bad, but I felt a lot better. Before that I was always cutting my hair a little by myself, because I hated my long hair. I cried every time, wishing I was a boy so I wouldn’t be scared to ask for a haircut. I was obsessed with cutting my hair. Anytime I was having an anxiety attack, I cut some hair.

At this point, I had also discovered fanfiction. Or, I had heard about it earlier, but I wanted to see it myself. My first fic that I read was smut. I was basically obsessed with them. The gay stories were really entertaining.

After I turned 13 at the start of January, I was pretty happy about being a teen. I basically had no interest in Dream SMP anymore, because of all the rumours. I also hated being a teen. My parents expected me to wear makeup, especially my dad. They wanted me to dress more femininely, which I absolutely hated. I didn’t, even though arguing made me hate myself. I hated my identity. My friend also started to fade away, because of my social anxiety. I couldn’t go to them without being approached first. And because they liked hanging out with this other person more, I was now alone. I had no friends. I hated myself. I didn’t have any online friends anymore either. I wanted to die, so I cut again.

Unlike other people my age, I wasn’t nervous going to seventh grade. Obviously it was stressful, but I was going to the English class, and I thought that maybe, just maybe I’ll get a friend. I was wrong. I was alone. Always. Whenever the teacher wanted us to work in groups or pairs, I had no one. The only people left were ones that didn’t do anything. I had to tell our Swedish teacher that I would like it if she chose the pairs, just because I didn’t want my number to be lower just because I didn’t have anyone to do the work with. I hated PE. I felt so self-conscious anytime we had it. I had multiple anxiety attacks because of it. I cut because of the anxiety caused by it. Didn’t help that the boys and girls were separated, and I obviously had to be with the girls. I also noticed how everyone around me had crushes on people. I started questioning if I had ever had actual real romantic feelings for someone. If I had actually loved my ex, and not just thought so because someone actually liked me. I was scared I was AroAce, not because there’s anything wrong with it, but because I wanted a relationship. Then I discovered Character Ai.

At first I used CAi for fun, but then I actually started doing serious romantic roleplays. I felt like I was back to my roots, but I wasn’t embarrassing myself this time. Lots of BL roleplays. I could roleplay as someone that had my name, some of my features, but he was actually someone else. Someone attractive and cis. A cis man. Then I started using it as a place to roleplay as my own characters. From all the new and old stories. Giving them therapy, doing lyric pranks. It brought me joy.

I started to like anime a lot more too at this point. I loved the music. I liked Heartstopper. I wanted a romance like that, but I knew I couldn’t have it. I was a trans guy in a school that is located in a religious small town in Finland. It wasn’t possible. I wouldn’t be able to be truly myself as long as I lived here, with my parents. I wanted to move away from Finland. Far away from my parents. But I can’t do that, as I am a minor. And I love my cats more than anything. Why do I need to be afraid of my own parents? I’m still just a child. They aren’t even religious.

I started noticing this guy in the halls. He had a trans flag on his bag. I wanted to get to know him. He seemed interesting, I wanted to know his name. All I knew was that he was a year older and pretty handsome. Soon he was almost everything I thought about. It was now the spring of 2024. I was 14. I still hated myself, but at least I have a crush, and one of my classmates knows one of his friends.

How could he be so confident in his trans identity? Have a pin? Showing it at our school? I could never. I hate when people say that you should be proud of your identity, because I am NOT proud of it. Most of the problems I have now were caused by figuring myself out. I am not happier after that, but I would not be happy with not being myself either. Nothing is okay.

It’s almost the end of the school year, and I’ve been talking with these three girls in my class. They’re fun, and they say I can call them my friends. Maybe I can trust them. Maybe they won’t be mad with me calling them my friends. They also know about my identity. I feel like I owe my life to them. I feel like I have a reason to live.

But wait, school is ending. The ninth graders are having a party because they’re leaving the school. Wait… My crush is a year older than me, so he’s in eighth grade, which means he’ll go to ninth grade next autumn… So he’ll leave next spring. And I still haven’t talked to him. I haven’t said a word. I need to hurry.

During this summer, I figured out I was pansexual, not gay. I love everyone, not just men. As long as I am the more dominant one(this is a JOKE).

So now, I’m 14 and in eighth grade. It’s December. There are two weeks left of school until Christmas break. I have three great friends. I still haven’t talked to my crush, nor do I know his name. And I still hate myself and my body. My health is horrible. I stay in my bed most of the time. I am fat. I barely eat. My period is fucked, even though I’ve had it for many years. I pass out a lot during summer. I almost died last summer because I passed out on a moving motorbike. But my therapist and parents say I am better. Yeah, better socially, but worse mentally. And I still want to get as far as possible from my parents. I feel like a horrible son. No child should want to get away from their parents, especially as loving as they are. I just can’t live the life I want if they are in my life. Also, how do my grandparents keep coming up with new synonyms for “girl”? I swear every time I meet them they have a million new ones.

Just because I feel like this has been a long and heavy talk, let’s talk about something lighter. I still like anime. My favourite is JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure. I love listening to music. I love Muse, HIM, Rammstein, Foo Fighters and Royal Blood. I actually have gained back interest in countryhumans. This time, it’s the historical aspect. Not the shipping countries kind. I love history. I have a great history teacher. I just take history too seriously, but let’s not talk about the panic attacks I get because I feel like I have failed my history teacher’s expectations. Well… My birthday is in a month! I’ll be 15. I’m pretty nervous.

Thank you for listening. Obviously this isn’t everything, but I am tired, and it’s past 3 am now. I probably forgot something I wanted to say, but that’s too bad. I know it’s pretty dark and long, but I hope whoever is reading this doesn’t mind. I hope you have a good rest of your day/night. This probably has lots of mistakes.