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greenhappyseed · 3 years ago

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BnHA Ch 316 - Things I noticed and comparisons

If the last chapter was AFO Rising, this one formally introduces us to Great Explosion Murder Devil AFO. Of course, it’s not new that AFO loves explosions. His attack on Nana involved an explosion and he used a big BOOM twice during Kamino; once at the beginning and once mid-fight to separate All Might from Best Jeanist, Kamui Woods, Mt Lady, and Endeavor (panels below). You know, the pros who were “easing [All Might’s] burden” and are now there for Deku.

We open the chapter with Endeavor saying he “got word from All Might,” which is weird phrasing because All Might clearly called, so I suppose the Top 3 hero brain trust sent him to voicemail. Also, Deku must be very confused about how All Might knew about Nagant and Overhaul. (And Deku doesn’t know All Might was attacked!!) But really, take a close look at this panel because I have NO idea what sequence of events lead to this image. I think Endeavor was trying to fly while carrying Hawks, and then when Hawks saw Nagant he yeeted himself towards her, falling with style until he realized those nubby wings couldn’t support them both. Plus, tiny Hawks looks like a scarecrow. Bones should have fun animating this someday.

Serious question time: Is Nagant a hero, as Hawks says? (Deku says she has the soul of a hero but doesn’t say she IS a hero.) “Hero” was once her job title, sure. But she wasn’t a “saving” hero — she murdered innocent people to protect the image of “heroes.” Then she became disillusioned with murdering and murdered the HPSC president so she wouldn’t have to murder anymore. Later, at some point while in Tartarus, she listened to AFO’s Caged Wisdom video series and believed he could solve society’s problems. Upon jailbreak she agreed to assault and kidnap a teenager so AFO could presumably torture him. (Whatever AFO wants with the kid, she had to know it wasn’t good.)

While Izuku faux 100%ed her into redemption, has she ever been a real “hero”? I think the answer is no, and what we are seeing is Hawks projecting because he wants to reassure himself that HE is a hero. He is an optimist. He is a good person, and he was just used by some bad people….right? Like how he was ordered to kill Twice, right????

It sure seems like the heroes are trying HARD to rally behind Nagant even when, objectively, she’s never been much of a hero. I can’t tell if we are supposed to cheer Deku and Hawks for giving a “villain traitor hero” a chance to do some good or if we’re supposed to see this as an example of heroes rallying around their own no matter how corrupt. I guess the real test is, would Deku and Hawks say the same things about a heroic soul to someone from the League of Villains?

Let’s get Overhaul over with. The official translation is far better than the leak summaries. It’s clear Deku isn’t going to take Overhaul’s bullshit AND won’t allow Overhaul to get anywhere near Eri. Instead, he says IF Overhaul will direct his “energy” towards saying sorry to Eri, he’ll fulfill Nagant’s “deal.” In other words, on our villain spectrum, if Muscular was unrepentant and deserved to be one-shotted, Overhaul shows he’s CAPABLE of remorse —but he doesn’t direct that towards all of his victims. He’s selectively repentant, so he doesn’t get full redemption, only the most base level of politeness required by society (that is, fulfilling a contract). In fact, note the repeated “contract” and “deal” language used for AFO/Nagant and the “subcontract” between Nagant/Overhaul. Contracts are a highly literal, unemotional type of basic trust transaction necessary for society to operate. It’s not about redemption or ideals or heroism; it’s “I give you x and you give me y” and we are both reliable.

Dadmight and Hercules are BACK baby! (Does All Might even tell anyone he was assaulted? Is HE okay?) Is he allowed to interact with anyone in this story anymore??) Top panel below is from 316; after that is one from 313 and below that is 3 pics of the Jeanistmobile with 1 of Hercules on the bottom right. Speaking of which, where the hell is Jeanist? Did Hawks stuff him inside a bag again?

Sorry Dadmight, but Deku’s not okay (TALK TO HIM, ghkhkjrjw). He’s badly injured and AFO is after his soul, which has caused badasses like Nagant to crack wide open. (Deku says Nagant has the soul of a hero in the last chapter, but here she says her soul is worn out. Chasing AFO takes a heavy toll.) Even so, look how Deku is doing his best, sitting tenderly by Nagant’s side and keeping his arm outstretched to her. This kid, indeed.

Apparently we just timeskip to everyone healed and ready to storm the mansion (sigh). Not that I need more hospital scenes, but it feels so rushed. Deku going with the Top 3 heroes and the Lurkers into a mansion to fight AFO should be an epic “I am here” moment. But there’s no moment for Deku to reflect — given the dire circumstances he’s just charging ahead and not listening to Endeavor’s warnings. Oh, and his gauntlet is still broken from the Nagant fight so there should be consequences? Maybe? At least (1) we found Jeanist so he can join the mansion raid; and (2) it seems Hawks (and All Might? Unclear!) are in a separate location, keeping in touch via radio comms.

Oooooo, AFO turning All Might’s “your turn” line towards Deku in Chapter 94 and now again in 316 before making mansion go boom. Except in 94, we all thought he meant the heroes vs villains battle passed to the next generation. Nope! AFO said in 296 that its HIS turn now, and his turn will never end, so “your” turn means you’re his latest plaything to torment.

Finally, I love how AFO squeezed in an insult to All Might, calling him an oaf. I mean, he IS an oaf, but that’s part of his charm. Oh, and I don’t believe for a second that AFO has actually lost interest in tormenting anyone, especially All Might. We KNOW how AFO holds on to petty grudges (he says so himself!).

I’m assuming the pros or a new quirk takes care of the boom, so tune in next week for more of Deku’s monster villain hunt! (If we didn’t get reunited with the hospital bed this week, I can’t imagine we will next week.) AFO now has an army or something, so in addition to Stain we could have more Nagant-style fights with brand new, completely disposable baddies! (I’m hoping not, and that AFO’s army is like Thanos’s random alien army in Avengers: Endgame, but we will see!)

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crystalsmentalhealth · 3 years ago

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Talking about the Brattleboro Retreat in Brattleboro, Vermont

I recently spent two weeks at the Retreat and wanted to share my experiences both good and bad about it.

I arrived at the Retreat in mid-June of 2021 after a four day stay at the Emergency Department of my local hospital. Originally I had not wanted to go to the Brattleboro Retreat because it was such a big campus and I equated that with busy and loud and impersonal. The Retreat would challenge my assumptions.

Getting There

I didn’t drive myself. As I said I spent four days in the ED of my local hospital and so I arrived via ambulance. The ride was stressful and nauseating. I was already stressed and nervous and the mountainous winding roads did absolutely nothing to help. I didn’t lay in the stretcher, but sat in a back-facing seat with no arm rests and with a blood pressure cuff around my left arm.

The trip took about an hour and except for a few questions from the person riding in the back with me, it was spent in nearly complete silence, which again, did nothing to help my nerves. There was no reassurance or even light conversation.

My Arrival

When we got there, they grabbed my bags for me, probably because I wasn’t allowed to have them yet, and with one person before me and one person behind me, lead me up the stairs to the admissions office. We were met at the door by an admissions person and I was dropped off like an Amazon package. The ambulance personnel left and I was officially at the Retreat.

I was first led to Security. They dropped off my bags with Security, and asked me to empty my pockets. I had none and told them such. Then I was led to an exam room where the woman who was with me found a gown that would fit me and held it up in front of her. I was then told to strip completely. I balked, but obeyed. First went my shirt, then my bra, then I stepped into the gown. Then with that covering me, I wiggled out of my pants and underwear. She gave me a pair of hospital pants to put on so I wasn’t completely bare. Then I was shown a chair and given a pair of huge grippy socks to wear. One size fits all, I guess.

After that the lady took my blood pressure, my pulse, and checked my oxygen levels. Then she took my temperature. My clothes and shoes were sent to Security with the rest of my things. I had off-brand crocs as shoes so I had no idea what they needed to check for, but off they went.

After the clothing change I was led to an office. I felt so awkward standing in a grey hospital gown, blue hospital pants, no panties, and those huge grippy socks, in front of two nicely dressed office personnel. They let me have a seat and the questions and paperwork began.

What was my insurance? Did I know about the extra inpatient days allowed? Who was my primary care physician? My therapist? My psychiatrist? My case worker? Did I have an Advanced Directive? What are the addresses? Did I want a male or female provider? There were so many questions!

Then it was sign here, and here, and here, and here, and here.

After that I was given a green folder that said Welcome to Tyler 2 which contained various information that I would need during my time there. My patient Bill of Rights, how to file a complaint or grievance. That sort of stuff.

Then it was off to another area and now they wanted a urine sample. I had already done two at the hospital and really didn’t need to pee, but I tried. I assume it was for a drug test, but I have no real clue.

Then I was sent off to another exam room, this time for a full physical. She asked me all about my medical history, whether I was having normal bowel movements or not, all about my diabetes, my family history (cancer, cancer, cancer, cancer, heart disease, cancer, kidney failure, cancer), she even checked my reflexes. The ARNP that examined me had the neatest notebook. It was electronic and I was fascinated by it.

(At the time of writing this I’ve only been home for two full days and I still have a very clingy cat who is currently laying on my left hand so if you catch a typo that kitty has caused me, please let me know.)

After the physical I was given one outfit to wear back, sans bra because my bra was underwire, and I was sent to a seat to wait to be sent to the unit.

The lady who watched over me offered me something to drink while I waited and when she offered milk I took her up on it. Unfortunately it was 1% milk, which I really hate, but hey, milk, so I drank it while I waited.

I didn’t have to wait long. Before long a Security guard and a nurse from the unit I would go to came down and led me down one corridor, in one elevator, through a cafeteria, up another elevator, and finally I was on the unit.

Tyler 2

The first thing I noticed when I got on the unit was that the bedrooms were singles. Yes! I hate sharing my bedroom in hospitals. At the worst, I’d once had to share with three other people stuffed into a two person bedroom. Two poor souls had had to sleep on cots. So I was very happy to see that I would have my own room.

I was shown into an interview room for yet even more paperwork and questions. All this is the business of the psychiatric hospital and it comes at the literal worst time of your stay, the beginning. When you’re scared and your nerves are raw, and your mental health is at it’s worst.

A three question questionnaire was first. Why are you here? How can we help? What are your coping skills? Depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation. I don’t know. Reading and journaling.

Then there was a check list of things that helped when I was feeling bad. I was fascinated to see that laying down in my room was one of the options. Most hospitals I had been in forbade that, with some going so far as to lock the doors to the bedrooms during the day so people didn’t sleep the day away. It was a pleasant surprise, and I checked that off along with a few others that I felt applied.

Then, the nurse, and we’ll just call her Rose, asked me if I was hungry and told me that they always had sandwiches on the unit and that the kitchen which held milk, orange juice, flavored water, cold water, hot water, coffee, teas, and various snacks was open 24/7. I declined both sandwich and snack.

Finally, I was left alone for a couple of minutes and I had a moment to just breathe. It was a Thursday according to the giant whiteboard that had the day’s schedule on it. Most of the groups were over with.

A little bit later a bag was brought up with my clothes and another with the few things I was allowed to have: my Bible; two coloring books; two books (A Street Cat Named Bob and A Wrinkle in Time); my toothbrush, my hair brush, and my composition notebook; were given to me. The clothes I wasn’t given yet. I was told by a nurse that because of COVID they washed everything that came on the unit whether it was clean or not and I would get my clothes once they were dry.

I was then shown my room. Number 219 was to be my home for the foreseeable future. It was a fair sized room, the walls painted hospital blue, the floor had boring brown patterned tiles, There was a plastic chair, a twin size bed with a single pillow, and brown blanket, and bottom sheet. There was no flat sheet.

There was a set of built in shelves and a small alcove with an unbreakable mirror and large shelf where I put my green folder as well as my other personal belongings that I was permitted to have. I hung around in there for a few minutes before wandering back out and awkwardly looked around.

It was soon 8:30pm and Rose, who was my nurse that night, offered me my bedtime medications. I accepted and went to bed.

The Schedule

I slept fitfully that night. I was scared, they checked on me every 15 minutes, and it wasn’t quite dark when I went to bed. I woke up obscenely early the next morning, which is very unusual for me, but I attribute it to the uncomfortable mattress, the lack of my comfort item; a stuffed cat named Fat Cat that I sleep with, and the fact that my room had a double window that faced directly East. The sun rises at about 4:45am right now, so it woke me up at around 5:30am that morning.

I wandered out, thinking it was much later than it actually was, since it was fully light out. I sleepily blinked at the analog clock and tried to decipher it. Inwardly I groaned at the time. To kill time, I awkwardly wandered around the unit again, and I think I laid back down for a little while.

Eventually I left my room again and it was 7:30am. Shift change. I can’t remember who my nurse was that morning, but by 8am it had become quite the busy place with the morning nurses, the mental health workers, the social workers, and the group leaders milling about the nurses station.

I noticed that the whiteboard had changed with the day, and so I glanced at the Friday schedule.

8am - Breakfast 9am - Community Meeting 10am - OT Movement 11am - Psychotherapy 12pm - Lunch 1pm - Courtyard (yellow level) 2pm - OT Activities 3:30pm Shift Change 4pm - Courtyard (yellow level) 5pm - Supper 6:15pm - Game room/small courtyard (yellow level) 7pm - Wrap Up 8pm - Free Time 9pm - Relaxation 10pm - Phones/computer/TV off

Yes, we had a computer. Some guy we’ll just call J tended to hog it, but so long as it wasn’t group, before morning shift change or after 10pm or 11pm on Friday night and Saturday night, anybody could use it. Of course Facebook and YouTube were blocked, but Vimeo wasn’t. Can somebody please tell me the difference between YouTube and Vimeo?

I didn’t really go to groups that first day, and I was on Red level, so I wasn’t allowed outside even if I had wanted to. I did however see the Social Worker, a very nice woman we’ll just call M. and my doctor via ZOOM, Dr. L.

All of the staff was really nice to me, and the unit, which at that point had a census of 19, was actually fairly quiet for the most part.

When 8am hit, and the breakfast trays arrived, I asked where I should go to eat. I was told I could eat on the porch, the day room, or in my room. Eating in peace alone in my room. Yes, please. I took my tray, got a carton of milk, and walked down the hall to my room.

When I pulled the lid off my plate, I discovered eggs, home fries, and a corn muffin. I also had some fruit. I cautiously tried the potatoes and found them to be quite good, but couldn’t eat anything else so I took my tray back.

I hovered awkwardly around the schedule board until somebody brought me a chair.

Then it happened. My stomach began churning. I went to the nurses station and told one of the three nurses that I had a bit of an upset stomach and could I have something for it? She looked up something and told me I could have some Tums. She sent me to the med window and used some fancy machine to dispense the Tums. I stuck them in my mouth and chewed. I swallowed. It was then that I knew I had made a mistake. I literally felt the Tums hit my stomach, felt my stomach cramp, and then I was vomiting.

After that experience and the cleaning up thereof, I got my morning meds at around 9am, and soon found myself back in the interview room, this time with a nutritionist. At least I think that was Friday. It could have been Monday. Regardless, I talked to her about being sick (it wasn’t the first time, I had gotten sick back in the ED as well), my lack of appetite, my diabetes, the medication for diabetes I was on (2000mg of Metformin and .5mg of Ozempic). She gave me some information the nutritionist I had talked to from my doctor’s office had already given me, then ordered Glucerna for me three times per day.

Glucerna is the diabetics version of Ensure for those of you who don’t know.

I slept a lot that day, and I’m pretty sure I refused lunch and maybe supper. They checked on me - and everybody else - every 15 minutes, but otherwise didn’t pester me.

The next day, of course, started the weekend. I can’t remember the exact schedule for the weekend, but it was far, far more boring than then weekday. There was just Community Meeting which I wandered into but didn’t participate in, a couple more courtyard opportunities than on the weekdays, more free time, Wrap Up and Relaxation. Relaxation happened at 9pm, but I already considered that bedtime as that was when I got my bedtime medication.

Sunday was just a repeat of Saturday with one bright exception. Sunday Sundaes. At around 2pm we got ice cream with sundae toppings that we could have on it. I don’t think I got it that first Sunday, but I can’t quite remember.

Monday doesn’t bring any particular memories except that that’s when I started attending a group here and there.

Meeting Nathan

Then Tuesday came, and I met Nathan. Nathan was a Psych intern who is now no longer there, so I’m not afraid of using his name. Nathan did 11am Psychotherapy, but had been on vacation the week before as well as Monday. I liked him instantly. He spoke quietly, thoughtfully, gently, and never pressed for answers if the person didn’t want to or couldn’t.

At first, we only spoke in group, but after one group disintegrated into chaos he ended it early and offered to speak to me one-on-one. The one-on-one time I got with Nathan, which eventually became every weekday, became the best, most helpful part of my stay at the Retreat. Some of his questions were hard. They were either highly thought provoking or brought on strong emotions, but he was very skilled in not pushing too hard and always bringing me back to the present if I got too lost in the past.

I think I opened up more to Nathan in the week and a half that we spoke than I ever did in the two years I’ve seen my normal therapist.

The Nightmares

I’ve suffered from nightmares for a very long time. In my nightmares I’ve been raped, had my home invaded, seen demons, had my parents stolen away by a dragon (that one happened twice. Same stupid dragon too.), been kidnapped, been chased around Wal-Mart by paramedics with a stretcher, and so on and so forth. The nightmares I suffered at the Retreat were something else entirely.

The dream I remember most, and let me list off some trigger warnings real quick: blood; abortion; abuse; infant death; decomposition; bad parenting; bad medical professionals, was about this young woman who tried to do some sort of home abortion that got botched. She went to the hospital and they sent her strait to surgery where they cut her open with no painkillers or anesthesia. The baby was tiny, but healthy and viable, so they took her out of the young woman’s womb, and haphazardly stapled the woman’s abdomen back together.

Then the dream began to focus on the baby, but not in linear time, but rather in snapshots. In the first snapshots the baby was fine. Pink, perfect, beautiful little girl dressed in frills. Then the next day’s photographs and the baby’s face was turning black in places. The next; her eyes turned murky and there was more decomposition. Mind you, while she’s decomposing, she’s still alive. Then her little fingers turn black and fall off, and it continues like this until the fifth day when the baby finally dies.

The mother, who was recovering from her own trauma, couldn’t have cared less about her baby.

The nightmare turned weird after that and I don’t remember what happened next, but I continued to have vicious nightmares during my stay there.

Dr. L tried to treat them with Prazosin. but I found that it made my nightmares more vivid. Then she tried to get me in a deeper sleep so the dreams wouldn’t wake me up, but that only got me caught in the nightmares and unable to wake up.

We never did figure out how to ease the nightmares and keep me asleep at the same time. Right now we’re trying a higher dose of Gabapentin, also known as Neurontin. I guess we’ll see how it works out.

Strange Characters

There were some...interesting characters at the Retreat. There was one guy who we’ll call J. You may recall him from my complaints about him being a computer hog. He suffered from delusions of grandeur and I believe psychosis. One time I was in the open area near the nurses station he began staring at me suspiciously. Then, after a couple of very awkward moments he asks me, “are you an Imperial or a Rebel?” I told him I had no idea what he was referring to. Miss J who was sitting near by goes, “she’s an imperial, she’s a good girl.” Then J nods and says “I know she’s my sister in Christ, so she must be good.”

I still have no idea what he meant by Imperial or Rebel. Is it a Star Wars thing? If so I thought the Rebels were the good guys. I’m so confused.

Miss J was a homeless woman who had been there for nearly nine weeks. She was very nice to me, but she mumbled a lot and I had to keep asking her to repeat herself.

M was a strange old lady. She would sit at the nurses station and laugh and laugh and laugh as loudly as she could, then all of the sudden she’d be declaring one of the housekeepers an angel on earth and how he should be protected and how everybody else was basically garbage. She eventually got taken out via ambulance.

A was another strange woman. Having been there since May 27th, 2021, she was there involuntary, She talked to herself a lot, drank loads of coffee, walked in and out of groups, and was best buddies with a woman who liked to be called Rabbit, as her real name, the same name as A, triggered her. A and Rabbit were thick as thieves and fed off of each other’s chaos.

Rabbit liked to sing at the top of her lungs when she was happy and when she was angry she would file a grievance, announce loudly that Obama was her father and that you (the nurse she was screaming at) aren’t her boss. She was nice enough to me, but I went out of my way to be as non-intrusive as possible.

Then there was D. D was 30-years-old, claimed to have 12 children. D was volatile, a substance abuser who enjoyed “a drink, some weed, and some coke”. Pretty sure she didn’t mean the soda. D had a shadow who had to write down what she was doing every five minutes. I don’t know exactly why, for the most part, volatile or not, she was pretty chill. She dressed provocatively and the first time she spoke to me it was early morning and we were on the porch.

She asked me why I was there. I told her depression. She asks my why I was depressed. I admitted that there was a lot of trauma in my past. She tells me she’s been (tw:rape) raped all her life, and then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn’t be depressed because I was pretty and thin. Now. I’m smaller than D was, because I’ve never had children, let alone 12 of them, but I’m 5′3″ and 210 pounds; thin is not an adjective I would use to describe me.

She then proceeds to tell me that I needed a better bra. I was wearing a soft low support sports bra, so yeah, my chest area was very un interesting. I told her I was just wearing something I could sleep comfortably in. She told me to shop at Victoria’s Secret for some better bras and I’d feel great.

After that, D decides to mention the gray in my hair. She says “you should get extensions to make your hair long and pretty, or better yet, shave your head and wear wigs. It’s what the black girls do.” She then went on about how wigs could really look good and how I’d have so much fun with it that I’d forget all about being depressed and how there were some sites where you could buy some good wigs for really cheap.

As I recall, I was fairly unresponsive during her spiel and walked away as soon as it wasn’t rude to.

The Really Bad Day

I don’t recall exactly what day it was, time blurs for me on a good day, and I wasn’t having any good days while I was at the Retreat, but one day was really bad.

TW: Suicide TW: Self-Harm

I was really, really suicidal, and I told the nurse I was talking to that. She asked if I had a plan, and for the first time I really did. I told her I would wait until right after a check - remember we got checked on every 15 minutes - then I would take a pair of my pants and wrap them around my neck and strangle myself.

Then she asked if I intended to follow through with the plan. I wanted to, I really did, but I also didn’t want to cause trouble, and that’s a huge issue with me, so I told her no. And that was the truth. I was suicidal, I did have a plan. I had a detailed plan actually. But I didn’t really intend of following through.

As you might expect, she had to report that to my doctor. Dr. L. spoke to me about how I was feeling and later, about five minutes after I had gotten on the computer to use Duolingo to distract myself, (See, I was using coping skills.), the nurse I had spoken to, and who I liked quite a lot, came to me and said that Dr. L wanted them to temporarily confiscate my clothes and take the sheet and blanket off my bed. It was to be replaced by blankets that couldn’t be ripped. Nurse E told me it wasn’t a punishment, it was a safety precaution, but I was so embarrassed and felt punished. I was allowed to keep the weighted blanket they had let me borrow, and my pillow, but other than that they took every bit of fabric in the room.

I don’t know if it was a good move or not. I just know that I wanted things back to ‘normal’, as though anything in a psych hospital could be normal, but the next day I lied to Dr. Lambert and told her I was feeling better. She said I could have my stuff back, but for some reason when I asked a nurse later on, she told me that there were no orders about it from Dr. L.

I asked again the next day and was finally able to get my linens and clothes back. I even got an extra pillow, for which I was very grateful for as my original pillow had been quite flat and hard.

The Road to Discharge

I was originally supposed to have been released on June 29th, a Tuesday, but I had to admit to Dr. L that I just didn’t feel like I could be safe at home yet. Not to mention that we were still trying to deal with my nightmares and sleep issues.

Dr. L and M, my social worker began giving me assignments to do. I was to fill out a safety plan, which I did. M had me write a letter to my regular therapist about the changes I needed her to make to improve our sessions. I am terrified to read it to her, but I really need to. I was given a huge stack of DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) information and worksheets to fill out, Nathan had me write something about a cousin of mine who had passed away due to an overdose of Fentanyl, and so I wrote her a letter telling her how much I missed her, how I was angry she was gone, disappointed that she couldn’t tell me she was back on drugs, how I was angry at her mom for getting her hooked on drugs in the first place, and ways I could have helped if she had just let me.

Meanwhile, people found out that I could make things out of the Model Magic that they had in the Contraband/Sensory room. I made I can’t even remember how many cats for people. I also made roses, and one dragon.

I was also writing dark poetry, just trying to purge my dark thoughts and get them out on paper.

Nathan continued to have one-on-one therapy with me each weekday, even if he only had half an hour.

I was meeting with my social worker daily, which they normally didn’t do, but when she realized that I wouldn’t go to them if I needed something, she decided to head it off, and meet with me, even if it were only a couple of minutes, each week day.

Finally, we decided on a day. Friday, July 2, 2021. I was so nervous, but so excited to come home and see my furbaby, Loki.

When the day came, I dressed in the nicest clothes that I had brought, which was a pair of elastic waist jeggings and my pink Cat Mom t-shirt which everybody loved. I only went to one group that day, and that was Psychotherapy, and I had my meeting with Nathan. I had one last meeting with Dr. L. and my social worker. My nurse that evening gave me my treatment plan which had my diagnoses. (Major depressive disorder, severe; Borderline Personality Disorder; and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Just as supper arrived I got the word that my ride was there.

Final Thoughts

Being at the Brattleboro Retreat was a difficult experience, but it was also a positive experience. In the beginning I was mad I wasn’t at the place where I had wanted to go, which was the Windham Center, but by the end of my first week there, I had decided to make the best of where I was. I didn’t like all the nurses, I definitely had my favorites and those I dreaded, not that they were ever mean to me, but I’m not sure, there’s just people you don’t like, you know?

I was on a great schedule while I was there. I was up no later than 8am and went to bed around 9pm, I ate at specific times. I got my medicine at specific times, and that routine was very comforting. Did I keep to it when I got home?

No. It’s currently 12:26 in the morning and I’m working on this still.

I’m still drinking my Glucerna, no matter that it costs me $40 a week for three a day, but I just don’t want to eat. Oh, I nibble. I’ve eaten some chocolate graham crackers and sipped on a 20oz Vanilla Coca Cola over the last four days. I just don’t eat.

I learned, while I was there, that it’s okay to speak up, to take up space, to have a voice, even if it’s quiet, I learned that it’s okay to get angry or ask for help. I can ask people for what I need. I don’t know how well I’ll be able to apply what I learned, but that’s always the hardest part of learning any new skill.

I know that this has been a huge amount of reading, but I wanted to give you a detailed example of what a psychiatric hospital is like. I hope that it informs you and I hope that if you’re heading to a psychiatric hospital or treatment center that maybe after reading this you’ll have less fear and anxiety because you have some clue as to what to expect.

I would also like to let my readers know that these are just my personal experiences in an American psychiatric hospital. I have no idea about British hospitals or European hospitals or even hospitals in other parts of the United States. My experiences in hospitals in Florida is a stark contrast to my experience in Vermont hospitals. I find Vermont’s response to medical care and psychiatric care in general is substantially better than Florida’s. I’ll do a post on that later.

Ask for help. Take up space. Use your voice.

National Suicide Hotline: 800 273-8255 Crisis Text Line: Text START to 741741

By the way, if you need me to tag another trigger word, please just send me a message and I’ll edit the tags to take your trigger word in consideration.

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angelicspaceprince · 5 years ago

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Youtuber!Beetlejuice Headcanons

Ok so Youtuber/Gamer!Beetlejuice has hit my tumblr with a force, so I’m going to write my own set for you here. Also, your channel has a mishmash of subject ideas because I’m trying to cater to everyone. It looks super unrealistic but hey its fantasy bby!

This also didn’t end the way I wanted it to and it stops kinda abruptly, its half past 5 in the morning. I need a nap.

His channel is a MESS

There is no consistency, except for the fact that he posts every day

But every day, no one knows what they’re gonna get

And he does everything

Beej may promise that its going to be a conspiracy theory video, but then he posts a video of him eating tide pods straight from the bag with a shit eating grin on his face with the caption ‘DON’T TRY THIS AT HOME – I’M A DEAD GUY THESE WON’T HURT ME’ plastered all over the screen because he genuinely cares for his viewers

Lydia helps him with editing, Adam and Barbra help set up his recording space which is just a large corner in the attic, Delia helps him plan ideas and Charles just leaves him to it

If he ever posts an ASMR video, do not open it

It’s just a video of him screaming into the microphone and making loud noises with him cackling after each one

Cooking videos usually end with him just straight up eating stuff no one should eat

Gaming videos go between him playing horror and laughing his ass off at how bad they are to him playing Animal Crossings and just being so happy that these people are kind to him and want to spend time with him

Live streams a LOT

It annoys his mods a little bit because he doesn’t have a schedule, and he only gives them a 30 second warning so if they see it, they have to quickly jump on over to mod the comment section

People just love the chaotic energy he radiates and if you mention a video idea, he will most definitely do it by the end of the month because he just wants to try e v e r y t h i n g

Lydia helps create merch for him so he can sell stuff. Most of the money goes to Lydia or the others in the house for helping him out, although he does save up to get better quality equipment to replace the stuff, he totally didn’t steal

If people mention about how depressed they are or if they feel disgusting but he makes them feel better, or even joked about suicide, in the live stream everything stops and he just looks down the camera and assures them that they are beautiful and deserve to live and suicide is never the way to deal with your problems, trust him, he knows

Everything just goes all serious until he has said his piece, no one is commenting and then he goes back to his happy self and is all like ‘don’t worry babes, I got ya back!’ and continues on chatting about nonsense for a while

He runs constant streams for charities that focus on mental health, it’s his one platform

He rarely accepts sponsors for his videos, he does have a patreon though

He has only accepted 3 sponsors in his time on Youtube, all of them were surrounding suicide and self-harm prevention

Offers really shitty advice but he has the spirit and means well

His followers affectionately call themselves ‘Juicey’s Babes’ which he finds hysterical

Anyone who’s been on a call with him can confirm that he is just as chaotic in real life as he is on his channel, it is not an act

But he genuinely cares and remembers everything about his followers, if one pops up on the stream chat, he will ask about their days and if the date went well with the guy from work etc.

Does do educational videos when he finds out from Lydia that sex ed in the US is pretty piss poor and that’s unacceptable! Teaches you how to put on condoms and what a clit is

Is constantly demonetised from Youtube but doesn’t give a shit

It wasn’t until someone suggested that he do a reaction video for one of your vids that he falls in love with your channel for the first time

It, too, is a mish mash of things but your schedule is a lot more constant, posting 5 days a week as a full time professional youtuber. It was exhausting but you love the work

Video game streaming or singing a cover of a song on alternate Mondays, Conspiracy videos or exploring cold cases and the supernatural on alternate Tuesdays, Cooking videos on Wednesday, general chat and educational videos on Thursday, Story Time, Crafts and Challenges on Friday with a live stream every third Saturday just talking smack

He falls in love with your channel so quick, and during the time he’s not filming or editing or whatever, he’s watching your videos

He joins your discord and talks there often

Lydia reaches out to you to ask if you’d do a collab with Beetlejuice and you agree, loving him on your discord chat and also the few videos you’ve seen

You agree to do a live reaction to the most recent Buzzfeed Unsolved video that was coming out that Saturday for your live stream, and that for his next gaming video you’d join in and play Animal Crossing with him

Beetlejuice is SO nervous when it comes to that Saturday, he really wants to impress you and not embarrass himself

It goes so well, people are commenting about what a good duo the two of you make as you crack jokes with one another, and even after the streaming finishes, you end up video chatting on your private discord for the rest of the afternoon

The gaming stream goes even better, having known each other a little better now and having found your rhythm which lead to a better stream

Suddenly, the two of you were doing collabs at least once a month, and Beetlejuice could feel himself falling hard for you

The two of you spoke nearly every day on Discord, mostly doing it via video or voice chat so you didn’t waste time typing

If either of you ended up on each other’s livestreams on Twitch or Youtube, everyone is a flurry because you end up joking with each other through the comments and its always fun to watch the two of you banter

Definitely have a few people ‘ship’ you and Beetlejuice is confused because what’s a ship?

Eventually, you get offered to go to Vidcon and when you told Beetlejuice, he revealed he did too but he wasn’t sure if he was gonna go

You say that’s a shame because you were really looking forward to officially meeting him and that Changed His Mind Quick Smart

There was so much prep that was going into Vidcon, you both agreed to do your stream there and just do bits of behind the scenes filming together

You both knew what you looked like and both knew you got along, but both of you were nervous the closer the day arrived

End up doing a panel together and that’s when you first meet, mostly because you were running super late and couldn’t meet before hand

Beetlejuice is literally buzzing with excitement and when you walk on stage, apologising for running late, he just beams and tackles you into a hug

He’s just so excited to finally meet you in person

(A video of him attacking you goes up on youtube and is instantly gif’ed and becomes a meme because everyone loves how excited he was to finally meet you and touch you)

You end up spending more time together than initially planned, but neither of you minded

The first video when you get back is filmed at your place and is titled ‘How I managed to snag a hottie for a girlfriend’, with the icon being Beetlejuice pointing at you with an excited look on your face, you rolling your eyes with your head in your hands

Everyone’s OTP

You keep your individual channels but definitely start doing more collabs on the reg whilst maintaining that perfect life/work balance, not everything needs to go on Youtube

You end up moving to be closer to him, you meet the family and Beetlejuice is just so so happy

And so are you

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anotherisodope · 4 years ago

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Master List of Fallout Canon and Canon AU Muses

Fallout 3

Charon

A gigantic, forbidding-looking, brainwashed badass of a ghoul whose protection, and combat services, are tied to the holder of his very high-ticket contract. Nobody knows who the organization was that Ahzrukhal purchased his contract from, how long he was in their service, or what horrors he was subjected to in the process of making him what he is. He isn’t talking, if he remembers at all. But despite the mental cage he is in, Charon constantly seeks ways to assert himself, follow his personal code, and prevent his own exploitation--or avenge it. A highly trained commando with a preference for mid-range weapons such as his combat shotgun, he lives for a good fight, and becomes bored and restless if his guns go cold too long. He’s got great instincts and is very protective--but is mentally and socially stunted, is observant enough to recognize that on some level, and is frustrated by it and his captivity, making him grumpy and sarcastic. He uses very formal language, sometimes with painstaking effort, in part as an attempt to be better understood. Will cause unmitigated chaos to save your life in a fight, then yell at you because you attacked an innocent shopkeeper. Probably not good to give him too many explosives.

Fallout New Vegas (or wherever)

Robert Edwin House (postgame AU)

One of the most brilliant men ever to be born into the prewar world, Robert House is the owner and primary programmer and inventor of RobCo Industries, which is responsible for everything from Fallout’s programming language, to most of its robots, to the PipBoy. Calculating the coming thermonuclear war down to a one-day window, House leveraged his tremendous wealth, influence and genius to save his beloved Las Vegas. This included preserving his body on life support while wiring his brain straight into the city’s network and defensive grid. Though not entirely successful, he survived and was able to eventually recreate and defend a walled-city version of the Las Vegas strip: New Vegas.

The AU

In a twisted version of a Good Karma Courier House playthrough, House won but was convinced by the Courier to make more merciful and thoughtful decisions. However, the Courier then betrayed them at the eleventh hour and murdered House’s physical body, leaving everyone convinced that House had died. Details can be found here. However, House had used another contingency program stored aboard the Platinum Chip to enable him to upload his mind to his own network. The Courier ended up fleeing New Vegas. (I am currently working on a description of the fates of various factions in this AU).

After the events of Fallout New Vegas and his takeover of the Hoover Dam, this version of House used code hidden in the chip to make the following changes from current canon:

Recreate a nationwide wireless Internet using freshly activated networking capability in every single Robco product

Make this Internet publicly available through the persona of the benevolent hacker Snow

Escape onto this newly created Internet, gaining access to and potential control of all RobCo products

Use this to access various new bodies, eventually including a pair of comatose synth bodies from failed Railroad memory wipes

Since then, he has been hatching plans all over the former US to steal Institute and Brotherhood of Steel technology--and reclaim as much of his own as he can. While doing this, he is acting through multiple personas. These include two Gen 3 Synth bodies he stole from the Railroad’s comatose “failures”.

House’s aliases (besides Snow) include

Edwin “Ed” Case (Gen 3 synth body, former infiltrator), a brilliant repairman and roboticist operating in the Commonwealth who recently did a lot of repair and upgrade work at the Memory Den. Closest to House in voice and diction, but significantly less of an asshole. Always has at least two combat-capable robots with him.

Daniel Mason (Gen 3 synth body, former courser), recently arrived in New Vegas. Not well known, as this body is largely used for physical infiltration and social engineering, or when House wishes to oversee robotic combat units more directly. Sounds nothing like House but still talks like he ate a thesaurus, though in a much more cool and reserved way. House being House, he has no idea why this body gets so much attention. Armed and dangerous. He is currently acting as House’s lieutenant and enforcer in New Vegas, along with his force of upgraded Securitrons.

He is still working on his Robert House synth body, which needs to be perfect of course...

Because of his activity in the Commonwealth and his ability to reach anywhere his network reaches, House can be interacted with by literally anyone in the Fallout universe circa 2287. Unless your character is in a memory pod or other full-interaction environment, however, you will be interacting via text, via robot, or via one of his two synth personas.

Vulpes Inculta (postgame AU)

One of the most wicked and bloodthirsty of Caesar’s commanders, this former head of the Legion’s Frumentarii was one of the most infamous men in the entire Mojave. Thoroughly and hopelessly indoctrinated in Caesar’s depraved and brutal values, he carried them out with terrifying zeal, sometimes resulting in the destruction of entire communities. Always cool, calculating, wily and in control, he never let anything get in the way of his duties--including his own needs, desires, and safety. His loyalty to Caesar was almost worshipful, and rooted in the belief that he served the actual Son of Mars.

To this end, he even plotted with the Omertas to release poison gas in the opening volley of an attack on the New Vegas strip. Forcibly stripped of any independent moral thought on the matter and thoroughly indoctrinated, he never thought twice about such actions. He served the son of a god, how could his actions not be righteous?

And then Caesar died. And Vulpes lost everything except for his life. And that was only the beginning of his comeuppance.

The AU

After brutally murdering Caesar upon learning that he had lied about his divine heritage and was afflicted with a mortal disease, Lanius took over, and promptly ordered Vulpes’s execution. Vulpes, who had anticipated this, fled, getting as far as he could from the Mojave. He knew that under Lanius’s hand, the Legion would first become a monstrous shadow of itself, and then would fall.

Illusions shattered and shamed by having to run, Vulpes spent years traveling with caravans in disguise as he sought a place to settle. Landing in the Commonwealth, he started carving out a place for himself, but his sense of purpose beyond survival and security was gone.

Worse...with it had gone his certainty that his depraved actions had been necessary and for a good cause, Doubt had crept in, and it kept growing and growing as he reconciled the differences between Caesar’s words and the reality he had lived through. Left to his own thoughts for far too long, and realizing that any remnant of the Legion that still exists will be hunting him, he is starting to crack.

He is very good at hiding this, however, being forced to learn to keep his cool in all kinds of bad situations. And so he has set himself up as a high-end, “independent problem-solver” in Diamond City, handling the kind of bloody and unethical work that would horrify Nick Valentine. But even as a showdown with his horrific karma is brewing internally, so too are external problems and temptations as he gets more and more deeply entangled with the Commonwealth’s Underworld.

Vulpes is a cold-blooded, scheming, psychopathic asshole with a volcano of repressed emotion that really only comes out when he fights. As he does not drink, date, use chems or confide in anyone, violence is and has been his only outlet, which leads to him often charging into dangerous situations with ripper in hand. When he is better under control, he deals with targets through stealth kills of various types. Unlike the vast majority of the Legion he is comfortable with most technology (science as a tagged skill), and has taken even more of an interest since fleeing East. For some reason, neither animals nor wasteland beasts will attack him when he travels alone.

His primary motivation while he wrestles with his many inner demons (which he will never let on about to anyone) is survival. He believes he will soon be the only one left who remembers what the Legion once was, and the higher aims it once strove for (through horrible means, but he doesn’t see that). While he is now hunted by the Legion’s remnants, he believes that he has a duty to survive, and maintain his discipline and his traditions before finding others to spread them among. The problem is, instead of going straight for taking over a settlement or raider gang, he’s dealing with growing doubts about Caesar, who was revealed to be mortal, and what Caesar taught him. This has made him hesitate. However, he is still using the time to gather as much information as possible about the Commonwealth, its people, its factions, and of course, their weaknesses.

Vulpes’ alias: Victor Renard

Victor Renard is a new Upper Stands resident who moved into the Latimer residence after both father and son were presumed killed by Triggermen outside the city. He has a part stake in the Colonial Taphouse, which has recently had a change of management, and is often found there, brooding over a glass of watered wine. He has a developing reputation for being very private, likely very dangerous, and being some kind of high-end mercenary. He generally wears a black suit and carries concealed weapons--at least, inside the city walls. He and the mayor/security team have a strained but polite relationship...so far.

Fallout 4

Nick Valentine

A highly talented Chicago detective, on loan to Boston PD, whose original life came to a crashing end after crime kingpin Eddie Winter murdered his fiancee and disappeared. Traumatized by the loss, he was ordered to seek treatment at a facility that was run by what would become the Institute. They scanned and copied his mind and memories, and he then died in the nuclear bombardment that soon followed. When he woke up on a trash heap in a damaged robotic body around a century later, he was left with no context or explanation for his bizarre “reincarnation”. That mystery would haunt him, like the mystery of Eddie Winter’s escape from justice, for another century. After wandering the wastes for a time, and slowly acclimating himself to his new environment and interactions with modern humans, he settled in Diamond City as a handyman after returning the late mayor’s missing daughter. Eventually, he became a trusted member of the Diamond City community...and took back up the mantle of a detective. Nick stoically carries a lot of trauma, and a lot of outrage. He works to provide peaceful, rational alternatives to the constant violence around him, and tends to be smarter and more competent than most, especially when it comes to computers or investigation. He is a bit of a curmudgeon, with a dagger-sharp wit he’ll sometimes overuse when sufficiently angered. He smokes, though he gains no benefit from it, as a tie to his human past. He tends to feel divorced from his own body to some degree, and that plus his distrust of most roboticists has caused him to forgo repair thus far.

John Hancock

Mayor of Goodneighbor and a self-styled revolutionary hooligan who is usually high on something, Hancock has more layers than you might expect, and a tragic history. Born John McDonough, he grew up in a shack with his parents and brother on the Boston waterfront. His brother was something of a bully, but not particularly wicked. They started growing apart as they grew up, with John sneaking off to Goodneighbor regularly to party and do chems. Empathetic, and significantly smarter than most people, he was able to see the suffering and inequities all around him, even after his family moved up in the world and ended up in Diamond City. John realized that his brother had...changed...when he decided to run for mayor. Running on an anti-ghoul platform, he capped off his inaugural speech by announcing the banishment of all ghouls from the city. John watched in horror as the ghouls fled with their few belongings, being brutalized by citizens and police the whole time. After confronting his brother to no effect, he forced himself to act, successfully leading several families to temporary safety in Goodneighbor. Most did not survive, however, leaving him despondent and forever loathing his pogrom-promoting brother, who is still Diamond City’s mayor. That night changed something in him, and it wouldn’t go back to sleep no matter how many chems he took. Finally, on learning that Vic, the gangster running Goodneighbor, was letting his men gun down drifters, he had a bizarre, chem-fueled epiphany. He discovered John Hancock’s coat and hat in the depths of the State House, and suddenly realized what he needed to do. He took on the clothes and cause of John Hancock, and after brutally liberating the town from Vic’s people, gave an inaugural speech declaring Goodneighbor to be “of the people, for the people”, regardless of who those people were. He took on the persona of a daring, reckless, ferociously protective folk-hero Mayor and started the long process of turning Goodneighbor into a safe haven for all. But even that wasn’t enough for him. Less than a decade ago, he discovered an experimental serum intended to turn the user into a ghoul. Sick of the face in the mirror, and motivated by half a dozen different reasons, he completed his “remaking himself” by becoming the same sort of being that his evil brother so loathed. Now, having consolidated power, he has found himself in a rut, spending most of his time putting out fires and dealing with challengers to his position and to Goodneighbor’s safety. Constantly wrapping himself up in his role and work when not carousing, however, has left a lot of painful unfinished business in his life to fester.

#fallout #fallout 4 #fallout 3 #my canon characters #roleplaying #not a normal human in the bunch lol #john hancock #charon #fallout rp #nick valentine #robert house #vulpes inculta #I said normal #psychopathic furries don't count

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iamleavingthisfandom · 4 years ago

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karaoke bar - request

@glimmersinner said:

i have a reddie fic idea, dont know if youre taking requests, but im thinking of after the battle of it (eddie survives bc its canon) they go out for kareoke and stan can live or die its up 2 u :) but they do kareoke at this bar and like richie sings “eddie,baby” to come out w his feelings and i need that in my life thank u

I am, indeed, taking requests! And this is such a lovely one, thank you for sending it to me. Hope you like what I’ve cooked up for you! read here on ao3

Raucous laughter rolled over the table full of drinks and snacks that the Losers occupied. After all the “you’re a fucking clown” were said and all the sinister interdimensional entities were done with, everyone went to settle their own affairs, but agreed to reconvene in New York. Which was currently taking the form of getting together in a karaoke bar, an occasion full of drinking and revelry, finally not bearing the shadow of responsibility for defeating an ancient evil. The laughter erupted after Richie’s quip about Ben and Beverly’s over-the-top cheesy rendition of (I’ve Had) The Time Of My Life, all in good fun, of course. A “happy for you, but keep all the straight details to yourself” was a drunken comment of him trying to read the room, with no malice behind it. He had come out via his twitter earlier in the week, with all the Losers sending him messages of love and support afterwards, and it took no time at all for jokes about being gay to become his go-to response to many things, despite the lingering internal problems. Humor was always his coping mechanism, after all, and it helped that he was surrounded by supportive friends. The main problem he was actually struggling with was his less-than-friendly feelings for none other than Eddie Kaspbrak, currently sitting across from him and sipping a Strawberry Daiquiri through a bright green straw. His jokes were decidedly not helping with that, especially not when Eddie let go of the straw to laugh so hard Richie could hear his snorts above the general rowdiness of the bar, but that was not going to stop him from making everyone laugh.

Just as Richie looked away from Eddie, desperately willing himself not to blush (he was almost forty years old, for fuck’s sakes, he did not blush), Bill called out in a challenging tone: “Beep-beep, trashmouth, either step up and sing something or stop making fun!” Richie put his hand to his chest, as if deeply wounded. “Billiam, making fun of you all is my sacred duty.” “Sing something, Richie,” Beverly joined in. Soon, Bill and Beverly were both chanting “sing,” while Stan sat between them, looking entirely unimpressed if not for a tiny hint of a smile. Ben was mostly interested in looking at Beverly enthusiastically chanting, Mike was grinning a bit, but waited to see the situation develop, and Eddie… Well, Eddie was looking at Richie with an impish expression that the latter was having trouble reading. Finally, after a few seconds of this, he raised his hands in surrender. “Fine, fine, you vultures. Let me show you how it’s done,” he grinned as Bill and Beverly cheered, and stood up to go to the karaoke machine. He scrolled through the list of songs when one caught his attention. His jokes weren’t helping, but maybe… He didn’t let himself finish the thought before he pressed “play” and the first soft chords poured from the speakers. He lifted the mic just in time for the lyrics to start. The cameras captured all of the glances And all of the chances we’ve missed Everyone at the table cheered supportively, except Eddie, who looked like he recognised the song all too well and was slowly starting to show a very fetching blush. Though there was a small, hopeful smile— except was there? Richie didn’t want to give himself vain hope, and instead sang further, only gaining confidence and enthusiasm with every line. As always, it took little time for his flair for showmanship to show itself, and by the time the first chorus came, he had started moving his hips and his free arm, in a more dramatic than choreographic fashion, but expressive nonetheless. Oh Eddie, baby, won’t you come to my arms tonight? I beg and plead you, please succumb to my charms tonight. He spared a wink at Eddie, who looked progressively more scarlet, before grinning and making a show of holding his palm to his heart. I give my heart But you take it and you break it and you tear it apart Oh Eddie, baby, won’t you come to my arms. Not that he hadn’t heard the song before, but somehow actually singing it out loud was different than listening to the lyrics: they resonated deeper now. He didn’t let himself show that, though. A smirk here and a rakish grin there did the trick, and apart from Stan’s raised eyebrow and knowing smile it seemed like no one had thought too much of it. And I hope one day, dear friend, you will come around. The second Richie thought that maybe choosing a song that showcased his hidden feelings was, in fact, not the best idea he’d ever had, he caught the sight of Eddie biting his lip in a small smile. He reminded himself that Eddie was just embarrassed at being the center of attention (wouldn’t be the first time for that) but in on the joke, yet no matter how he framed it to himself, that little smile was all that it took for his breath to catch. The rest of the performance was likely not his best form, but it mattered little, and when he finished the last line, the Losers’ table erupted in cheers and applause. Even Stan clapped, unable to hold back his smile. Richie made an exaggerated bow and got back to his seat. “Alright,” Bill clapped his hands once more and got up, “I’ll go see if they have Tubthumping,” and with that, everything seemingly got back to normal. Well, everything except the weird, almost-calculating look Eddie was giving Richie that stopped him from joking about how cheesy Bill’s song choice was. The rest of the night was uneventful and full of that special drunken merriment that can only be found in good company. If anyone noticed the looks Richie kept throwing Eddie, no one mentioned anything, and if Eddie had anything to say about Richie’s initial choice of song, he kept it to himself. Eventually, as everything in life, the night had to end, and the Losers started parting ways until the only people left outside the bar were Richie, smoking a cigarette, and Eddie, shuffling his foot on the asphalt and looking anywhere but at his friend. “Fun night, huh?” Eddie wondered, seemingly at no one in particular. “Yeah, but my head’s going to be killing tomorrow,” Richie joked with a puff of smoke. Eddie lifted his head, biting his lip and meeting his eyes for the first time since they said their goodbyes to the rest of the group. It took a lot of Richie not to let that stop his inhale of smoke, but he kept his breathing steady. “Rich,” Eddie started and paused again, unsure. “Yeah, Spaghetti?” Richie was determined to keep it light. “I wish you’d stopped doing things like— like the song,” Eddie rushed out on a single breath, like he was running on a sudden drunken influx of bravery. “If you don’t mean anything by that, it’s just cruel,” he added, quieter and hiding his gaze again. Wait— cruel? If he didn’t mean anything? Within seconds, hope grew in Richie’s chest, one that he’d systematically squashed down, and too soon it became too big to contain. After a short awkward pause, it pushed the words out of him. “I meant it.” Eddie’s eyes shot up as he looked questioningly at Richie. “Whatever you’re thinking of now, I meant it.” “Can you say it? What you meant?” The look in Eddie’s eyes, cautious but on the verge of happy, and the tentative step he took towards Richie, gave him the strength to throw the cigarette on the ground and step on it without taking his eyes off of Eddie. “I’ve been in love with you since I knew what love was,” he knew it was always a risk to be so open with his heart, but the giggle Eddie let out and a smile that lit up his face were the best payoff Richie could ever want. “You’re so cheesy, Tozier. You’re lucky I’m in love with you, too,” Richie barely had the time to make a sound before Eddie moved in and tugged him down into a kiss with a hand in his hair. The kiss was short-lived, though, and soon Eddie was pulling away with a frown, quickly replaced with a laugh. “You reek of smoke, that’s gross.” “I’ll give up smoking for you,” Richie promised dramatically, his ability for coherent thought almost gone with the giddy high of their long-anticipated finally. Eddie chuckled and stood on the balls of his feet as Richie wound his arms around him. “I can get used to it,” he kissed Richie again. The rest of the world melted away when their lips moved against each other, and as he tasted the sugary residue of strawberry concoctions on Eddie’s lips, Richie knew he’d never felt quite as elated before in his life. No, not even when his agent booked his first large venue for his show. When they pulled apart, Eddie looked at him from under his eyelashes. “Want to come over to my place?” “Ouch, Eds, not even gonna buy me dinner first?” Eddie let out a small laugh, but he looked determined, and maybe, just maybe, Richie felt like he would do absolutely anything for him at that moment. “Well?” “I’d love to,” Richie smiled in response. Eddie stepped back to hail a cab, and suddenly there was a slight twinge of doubt in Richie’s gut. “And we don’t have to— do anything you don’t want to do, of course.” The look Eddie gave him in response was best described as amused. “Oh, we don’t have to, but I definitely want to. That is, if you…” he didn’t finish the thought, because Richie interrupted him. “You have no idea how much I want to.” With a grin, Eddie took his hand and waited for a cab to pull up, which it did in just a few seconds. Richie followed him into the car with a blinding grin and put his hand on Eddie’s thigh as he listened to him tell the driver the address. His main takeaway from the whole thing was that sometimes joking about his true feelings paid off big time. Anything else was overshadowed by Eddie’s hand sliding smoothly into his once more and his large eyes staring gently into Richie’s own, but maybe that was just as well.

#fluff #reddie #reddie fanfic #requests #glimmersinner #submission #writing tag

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mtvswatches · 4 years ago

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Wynonna Earp 3x02 When you Call My Name

Click here for previous recaps!

Stray thoughts

1) Who is the fucker dragging Waverly away?! And the first thing that Wynonna says, even before she fully regains consciousness, is “Waverly.” I love these two sisters, I love that their relationship is the backbone of this show. Also, WTF.

How the fuck did she get there?

2) And I fucking love Wynonna Earp…

3) Is she… hallucinating her mother? I was wondering why, out of everyone else in her life, she would be fantasizing about her mother, but I didn’t have to wait long to find out. First of all, her ghost-mom reminds her of the survival rules she’d taught her when she was little. But most importantly, she reminds her that no matter how much pain she’s in right now, the pain of losing Waverly will be much worse. And that’s exactly what Wynonna needs to find in her the strength to survive.

4) Is the dude who kidnapped Waverly some time of supernatural weirdo or is he just your run-of-the-mill weird loner guy who lives in the woods and slowly goes batshit crazy? I’m still not sure…

5) Wynonna can’t leave Peacemaker there, can’t she? Why isn’t it like Thor’s hammer? Can’t she just like magically pull it back to her? Anyway, this badass motherfucker is going to climb the fucking rocks wearing a dress and heels. How is not the entire world in love with Wynonna Earp?

6) Oh, he’s not just a weirdo, he’s also a supernatural impersonator. He fucking stole Waverly’s voice and answered the phone pretending to be her. And now Waverly can’t scream for help, that’s just dandy.

7) “You ever seen me move when I’m pissed? I’m a frigging snow cheetah!” How is everything that comes out of her mouth so iconic?

8) So far, Ghost Mom seems to be doing a good job of helping Wynonna keep her head on your shoulders and not act impulsively, which could end up with both her and Waverly dead. She’s following her mom’s survival rules, and it seems to be working, and there’s this little moment when both of them push their hair behind their ears in perfect synchrony…

And I don’t know what I’m to make out of this? Does this mean that Ghost Mom is only a reflection of Wynonna herself? I mean, obviously, she is, it’s a figment of Wynonna’s imagination and it’s what Wynonna believes her mom would do and say in such a situation. But… are we meant to infer that there’s a stronger connection between the two of them than we were led to believe during the course of two seasons? Ghost Mom also called her a “Gibson girl” – her mom’s last name – and also mentioned how Wynonna got her snark from her. Wynonna even jokes that she got the crazy from her. It feels the writers are setting up this relationship as one of the arcs of this season. I guess it makes sense, after Wynonna became a mother herself. But I still don’t know what to make of Ghost Mom or Real Mom, for that matter.

9) Jeremy, Nicole, and Dolls have no idea what’s going on with Wynonna and Waverly, of course, and they’ve figured out that the demon responsible for the massacres is like a Flash demon that got to all their victims within seconds of one another. Also, the massacres may continue. Cool. Cool cool cool.

10) Jeremy is the biggest sweetheart in this show and he’s the biggest fan of literally everyone. I felt so bad for him when Dolls told him to get a life or something and stop bothering him, and did Jeremy get butthurt? No, he told Dolls he’s fighting for him, and my heart swelled a little. He’s the best. He was such a great addition to the gang. At least Dolls had the decency to indulge Jeremy with his pop culture references before leaving, and it was a nice way to say he was sorry and that he appreciates everything that Jeremy does.

11) OMFG, Wynonna was a Hanson fan, just like I was!

12) Not liking Ghost Mom right now…

WYNONNA: Why me, though? You never brought Willa or Waverly, it was always just you and me... GHOST MOM: Willa was Ward's right from the get-go, and Waverly... She was everyone else's, but you... Ooh, you... You came into this world wailing and kicking just like I was so I wanted to make sure you could survive by yourself. But you know what? Being an heir, it has made you soft. WYNONNA: What's that supposed to mean? GHOST MOM: It means... You're leaning on your team of outlaws and misfits. WYNONNA: They're my people and I trust them. GHOST MOM: Yeah, well where the hell are they? It's been hours. WYNONNA: I don't know. GHOST MOM: Yeah. The moment that you rely on someone... to protect you, be there for you... you're dead.

Is this Wynonna’s own fear, that her relying so much on her friends is making her soft and weak and vulnerable? Because I feel that her relationships with everyone else have made her stronger. I hate the idea that a hero can’t be vulnerable, you know? It’s like what Buffy says, “my emotions give me power.” If you don’t have bonds and love in your life, is there really a reason to fight at all?

13) “We are the same, Wynonna, and that is what scares you, how similar we are.” Alright, yeah, definitely Wynonna’s own fears manifesting themselves via Ghost Mom. I mean, obviously, she’d conjure up her mom at this moment! Waverly is in danger, and she fears she’s going to fail her just like their mom did…

14) Wow, Doc is having an existential crisis after being shot by Dolls and going to hell in the alternate reality. He’s afraid that being good and doing the right thing is pointless if he’ll end up in hell with all the other demons anyway. But… I mean, he went to hell in that other reality where he had embraced his dark side, you know? How does he know that he’s destined for the same here and now? I wouldn’t think so. And damn, Dolls has some truth bomb…

DOC: We are murderers, you and I. Destined for the dark. DOLLS: We're not the same. Because I don't need a threat of damnation to fight for the right side.

(EDIT: how did I not realize this was foreshadowing Dolls’s death?! And these words will probably haunt Doc... this was basically their last conversation...)

15) Nicole found the truck!

16) Hannibal the Impersonator is using Waverly’s voice to lure other people into the cabin…

Is he a revenant, though? He seems to be, but what about his weird stealing-voices power? Do revenants get special powers? I mean, Bobo did, but I thought he was an exception…

17) Jeremy is also so emotionally healthy? Like, he immediately called Doc out on assuming the worst of people and basically told him to get over obsessing over losing his immortality. But… why didn’t he call Dolls like Doc told him to? Is he also assuming the worst…? Does he not trust Dolls?

18) Oh, my god, Waverly and Wynonna’s entire “charades” conversation was fucking priceless!

19) I laughed and I also awww-ed.

DOC: You trust Wynonna's instincts? NICOLE: I helped her kill the revenant she had sex with! DOC: Let me rephrase. Do you trust her instincts about Waverly?

20) Are Waverly and Wynonna really having the you-didn’t-tell-me-about-mom talk right now, in this life or death situation? Of course they are.

21) I DIED!

Wynonna doesn’t have Peacemaker, so how is she going to fight the revenant? It should be interesting to see her fight without her special power…

22) So Jeremy also assumed the worst about Dolls. Interesting.

23) Like Buffy said, when scary things are scared, that’s bad news. The revenant almost shit his pants when Waverly mentioned Bulshar. Wynonna used her wits and booby-trapped him, so good on her. But look who’s stalking…

Does he have nazis with him or something?

24) So… Waverly didn’t take it too well. And I get it, it feels like she’s been made a fool by everyone she's ever trusted. She doesn’t even know who her real parents are…

25) Nicole is going to climb down the rocks and get Peacemaker back like a boss.

26) Uh-oh… I guess Jeremy was right…

Why is he saying that Wynonna is going to need Waverly more than ever?

27) WTF!!!

Fucking ghost terminator nazis!

28) Nicole is literally hanging from a wire and trying to get Peacemaker back! And I think Dolls is going to wolf out and get rid of the fucking nazi but will probably lose his soul in the process? I didn’t think the chilliest part of the episode would be a fucking voice-stealing cannibal revenant…

29) Nicole is asking Wynonna to let go of the wire… what the fuck is this episode doing to me?

30) Why did he smile before doing this…?

Was he saying goodbye? Was that why he said that Wynonna was going to need Waverly more than ever?

31) He’s dead, and Nicole is trying to resuscitate him, and Wynonna and Doc are losing their shit… I wasn’t expecting this in episode two…

She doesn’t want to leave his side. Damn.

32) Wow. This is heavier stuff than I’d expected at the beginning of the season, especially after the heartbreak of giving birth to Alice only to lose her in the season finale. I feel like this episode is a game-changer, obviously because of Dolls’ death, who is going to take up his role? I mean, Nicole had become sort of his disciple, but no one can really fill his shoes, can they? There’s also the heavy emphasis on Wynonna’s relationship with her mother, which I think will definitely be one of this season’s arcs. And there’s the dooming presence of Bulshar, who still needs to introduce himself in a more memorable way.

I don’t know what to make of Dolls’ death, though. Personally, I wasn’t so attached to his character as to feel devastated, though I was truly shocked and if Wynonna cries, then I cry. There’s also this nagging feeling that no one can be really dead in supernatural shows unless TPBT wish it so, you know? There’s always a small chance he might return, in different forms – either through flashbacks or because he might actually be brought back from the dead.

Anyway, I’m super excited to see where this season takes us!

33) Hope you enjoyed my recap, and, as usual, if you’ve got this far, thank you for reading! If you enjoy my recaps and my blog, please consider supporting it on ko-fi. Thanks!

#Wynonna Earp #Xavier Dolls #Doc Holliday #Nicole Haught #Waverly Earp #WE 3x02 #WE recap #When You Call My Name #mine

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sveasauvageon · 4 years ago

Photo

Ce qu'il a donné Un an, deux ans, cent ans de bonheur Puis la vie te cueille comme une fleur || GW

☾♔; March 5, 2018 ☾♔; sotd: Котик by Alexander Rybak ☾♔; comedian otd: JOHN OLIVER ☾♔; GW To do list ☾♔; {G} https://goo.gl/XSTtMc ☾♔; mod(s): @themadmonarchist @maybones et moi

Title: lyrics from "Requiem" by Alma

--featured not-mine oc's - Eloise Avery | @themadmonarchist - Minah Delacroix | @maybones (see what I did there with the Serena and Blair positioning? -eyebrow wriggle thing-)

- - - x - - -

Updated GW to-do list: - Division of labour (we should really start saying when one of us starts working on something because otherwise we'll end up with redundancies since we think disturbingly alike) - the "chuck" problem: okay, tbh, it's more of an Ed Westwick problem than a chuck one. I don't know how you guys have reacted to the me too and time's up movements, but mine has been to cut all those men out of my sphere of entertainment, I even cut out "witch hunt", "not all men" type dudes, and "only fondled their breasts on tv and apologized for it" men (aka Ben Affleck), because time is up for all of you! Soz, not point, but since last October, Ed Westwick has been caught up in this, and thus far 3 women have accused him of ra.pe and a fourth of sexual misconduct. Now, I know it's not Chuck's fault that his portrayer is a ra.pist (allegedly), but there is still an issue with including his face, etc in aesthetics and gossip girl material because his face is that of a ra.pist's (allegedly). Tbh, I wanna leave him (Ed Westwick) out of material and only discuss Chuck and avoid showing his face or use a dreamcast instead, but like, I dunno what you guys wanna do. Chuck is a great character, although, early on, he was quite rap.ey, the character, and it does not help that his portrayer has since been revealed to be a ra.pist. Allegedly.

- also, going back up to the redundancy issues, I love both of your aesthetic collections and playlists, so for those, I was thinking for playlist, we should make one big playlist on spotify that's collaborative, so that everyone can add their music and it'll kind of be a huge explosion of musical tastes. But also, maybe have a collection that has a link on the group info for individual playlists for characters, and the group made by us and/or others. For aesthetic collections, basically the same idea with one big collaborative collection, and then that collection will have links to other collections (yes, I'm a little ocd).

- also, also, this is completely unrelated, but I was watching trevor noah's show and he made a joke about how much trump's male employees snitch and gossip like sht, but the woman haven't revealed squat. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CpmlVWFTW8A) It's really funny, and honestly, stupid people fcking up in trump's circle very publically is basically what's keeping me alive. It's just hilarious how stupid some of these people are. ___________________________ Another Update (I'll leave those up until @maybones weighs in on them)

I was working on a draft of the group description to show you guys, and I was using a template of one of my old groups and rewriting stuff and changing it to suit our purposes and I realized how many freaking rules I have (I'm so picky), anyway, some of this stuff obvs won't be applicable (like, there's one about characters dying and I don't think we were planning on going that dark. although, serena was an accessory and chuck kind of killed his dad, so meh, maybe?) anyway, I wanted your opinions on what rules to keep and/or change:

✠ RULES AND GUIDELINES {GENERAL} ✠

I. Please be kind to each other. Your characters can be total jerks, but let us, the creators and/or writers be kind, polite, and respectful (aka, channel your inner Canadian guys). There will be absolutely ZERO tolerance of discrimination. You will be immediately removed from the group, and your actions will be documented and reported. PM me immediately if someone harasses you or you notice harassment between members. ⠀⠀Ia. If you want to be anonymous, for any reason, you can send in your complaints here {https://goo.gl/kbTXeU}, it's a google form, and it doesn't ask you verify your email, and the username option, is just an option, it's not required. If I need to make further contact/information from you regarding your concern, I'll make a group announcement vaguely describing your issue, and you can send in further information anonymously again. I'll be checking the form at least once a week.

⠀II. I'm not giving this any specific rating, however, I will say, you're free to include whatever "adult" content you want, whether it be swears, gore, or the dirty stuff (I'm totally a mature, grown up adult guys). However, do be careful of polyvore's stupid censors, use workarounds like writing your story in google docs, or accents for swear words.

⠀III. This is a non-elimination group, but characters can die. It may be used for inactive members, or if you wanna kill 'em off or maybe revive as a ghost or something else. Permission will always be asked of the creator first (with the exception of characters belonging to inactive members, whose characters may be killed off as penalty).

⠀IV. If you miss 3 consecutive contests (without informing me), you'll receive an "x", "|" will be used to break up non-consecutively missed contests, anyway, if you miss 3 in a row, that will open your character to be killed by either myself or other group members. You will be notified, but your permission will not be asked. If you wish to rejoin at a later date, and you character has not been killed off, simply pm me and continue with whatever contest is in progress. If your character has been killed off, you can re-audition with a new one, and I will transfer your points to your new character.

⠀V. Always pm me, your vodka aunt mod, if you feel you'll be unable to enter a contest, your reason doesn't matter. Just let me know you can't get your entry in, that way you won't receive an "X".

⠀VI. Plotting will be left open throughout the group, however, please establish a few of these before contests begin, and always ask permission when using someone else's character(s) and be sure to tag them in your sets. Please, PLEASE work with others, I hate when people just do their own thing in oc battle groups, this is a collaborative story, everyone's stories and ideas matter. I will call you out if I notice something that contradicts the connected story, and I will always, ALWAYS incorporate the stories of group members into the overall narrative. ⠀⠀VIa. Narrative precedence will always be given to the person who completely finishes the description of their set first.

⠀VII. There is not a list of roles to pick from, you can create whatever roles you want, however, I may ask you to change it if I feel your character may become "villager number 6" and not fit in with the action. Rules, regulations, and suggestions for roles can be found here: [placeholder].

⠀VIII. Always be sure to tag the member's when you use their characters and give credit where credit is due.

⠀IX. Plagiarism will not be tolerated and you will be removed and reported. If you're inspired by someone else's work, credit them, otherwise you're stealing.

⠀X. Sets unrelated to the group will be removed.

⠀XI. You will NOT be required to write out a full story. Story portions can be answered in paragraphs, but full stories are always welcome and appreciated.

⠀XII. Do not use templates for contest entries unless otherwise stated.

⠀XIII. Always feel free to contact me with any and all questions, and/or suggestions. You can also send them through the anonymous complaints form, found here: https://goo.gl/kbTXeU

_________________________________

✠ RULES AND REGULATIONS {FACECLAIMS} ✠

I'm quite picky about these, but I'm not gonna be pedantic about it this time. You do you. Having said that, there are still some rules and regulations, as well as a challenge.

⠀I. All faceclaims must be above the age of majority (that's 18+ nearly universally on the planet), there is an exception for child characters but all main OCs must be at least 18.

⠀II. All faceclaims MUST be professionals. They can be actors, models, even singers. However, they must be singers of some note signed onto a label company, like Taylor Swift, or my beloved Dima Bilan (who's also an actor. a good one. yes, I'm bragging). Your faceclaim CANNOT be someone insta-famous, youtubers, or tumblr tweens.

⠀III. Whilst I'm not going to reject any faceclaim on the pedantic basis of "I don't like them", there are some faceclaims that I will and for one reason, and one reason only. Sexual misconduct of any and all kinds. Hollywood and the media are finally cleaning house, and I don't want those dicks in my nerd sht either. To be clear, I don't care whether the misconduct was simply groping a woman's breasts on camera and apologizing about 10 years later, I am going to reject everyone who's been accused. Examples include; Ben Affleck, Casey Affleck, Ed Westwick, Jeffrey Tambor, Danny Masterson, Andy Dick, Dustin Hoffman, and fcking Mel Gibson. (Side note, these are just actors, for a wider list of men who have fallen since the Harvey Weinstein story broke in October 2017, I recommend you check out this article {https://goo.gl/Uq65Qv} by the NY Times) ⠀⠀IIIa. If you notice I have accepted someone who has been accused of sexual misconduct/harassment/assault please inform me right away, and ideally with a link to a news source from where you learned about (I will google it myself, but the ready-to-go link would be much appreciated.) ⠀⠀IIIb. Also, Alec Baldwin is on my list of rejected faceclaims. He's not been accused of anything, yet, but I'm not liking his defensive attitude of alleged rapists. Fúck off. Matt Damon also falls under subsection B, for a slightly different reason, but fúck him too. In this watershed moment, I have no time for defensive d i c k s and "not all men" a s s h o l e s.

⠀IV. The Challenge: a lot of us have certain fave fc's we use over and over again (I'm certainly guilty of that), so my challenge is for you to use a faceclaim you have never used before as your primary oc. This is gonna be based on the honour system, some of you guys I may know well, so I'll know if you're using your fave again, but others I may not, and I can't aggressively stalk everyone, so I won't call out anyone for not doing it. It's just a fun little challenge, worth 10 bonus points, if you opt to do it. But again, it's based on the honour system, I'm not gonna stalk anyone, but if I know you and you lie to me on the audition form. First, I'll be hurt, and second, I'll say sorry and tell you you're not getting those bonus points.

(I know, two sets of rules makes me such a di.ck, it's why I need your help guys!)

#polyvore #gw #eloise avery #Svea Sauvageon #minah delacroix #doll set #mine #anna #may

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pollylynn · 5 years ago

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“It’s a sealed, nine-month experiment.” —Ed Redley, The Wrong Stuff (7 x 16)

Title: Revamp Rating: T WC: 1300

There’s an absolute ton of writing he should be doing. He is not doing it. He is, instead, rooting through everything.

It begins in his office. It begins on his laptop, actually, on which he should be writing. But he is not writing, he is rooting—electronically at first, but then he remembers that what he’s looking for might be a little outside the timeframe of just shooting off an email for something like this, and even if it weren’t, what he’s looking for most likely wouldn’t have survived the incident with the laptop he had around then, wherein said laptop had . . . accidentally met the office wall at high velocity one day when he had a ton of writing he needed to be doing, but couldn’t do.

That’s not the case today. The laptops of the world are safe from wall-meeting accidents, at least. He could totally be doing the writing he should be doing. He just isn’t doing it. He’s rooting through everything, instead.

“Hard copies,” he mutters to himself, and out come the boxes and bins from the lowest levels of the credenza behind the desk. He roots through those, bending awkwardly over in his chair until his back tells him about it and he winds up on the floor until his butt starts telling him about that.

“Stupid.” He bolts upright and cracks his head on the spun-around arm of the dumb chair. “Stupid, stupid,” he says again as he clambers to his feet, rubbing the sore place over his ear.

He leaves chaos in his wake. The boxes and bins, now empty, look like he abandoned construction on a backyard fort halfway through. He smiles absently at the image, the memory of a few glorious days behind some friend’s brownstone after his parents had gotten a new fridge. He picks his way through the former contents of said boxes and bins, now scattered wide across the floor, and makes his way into the bedroom.

He heads straight for the closet, straight to the back and feels along the wide, high-up shelf. He comes down with an oversized leather folio. He tugs eagerly at the ties, but they’re knotted tight, either with time or his own stupid haste at the time. He��s just thinking about scissors when he finally makes some headway.

The stiff sides flap open in slow motion like a Rip van Winkle yawn and everything almost goes everywhere. He turns and awkwardly rushes to the bed. He opens the folio wide and flips through old, old, old cover art and lobby card–sized posters for books he’s half forgotten that he wrote.

There’s a large-format photo of Alexis in some white gown with a huge pink sash. There are roses all around her and behind her I’m trying smile, she looks absolutely miserable. Adorable, but miserable, and it takes him a minute to remember that it was Gina’s idea, that his split-second of horror when he unwrapped the giant package had gotten him in trouble. There are things and things and things that he probably should have jettisoned a while ago, but the thing he’s rooting around for is nowhere to be found. He leaves the folio and its contents scattered across the bed and moves on.

The size of it should cut down his search area, but he’s annoyed enough now—eager enough—that he roots around indiscriminately. He slides and swings and pulls open cabinets that are too small to accommodate it without folding, and he remembers now that he wouldn’t have folded it. He’s eliminated the only place n the first floor it could be, and the second floor is a dead end. He charges up there anyway.

He strides down the hall, his fingers brushing the door to Alexis’s room, the door to his mother’s. He lands in the guest bedroom with its odd assortment of things that don’t really go anywhere else—a yoga ball and some hand weights, a few boxes full of things from her place that she hasn’t gone through yet. A few boxes full of things he’s been meaning to go through to get rid of to make space.

Space.

The word stops him in the act of rolling open the closet’s pocket door with extreme prejudice. It drops him to the edge of the bed. Space. The thing they’ve been desperately in need of for a while now. Except they’re no longer in such desperate need. Or they’re about to be no longer in such desperate need, but that’s what he’s in search of. That’s what the sudden-onset rooting around is about, and there on the edge of the bed, he’s excited and a little melancholy and—

“Castle?”

He hears the shift in her voice from routine to panicked in the space of two syllables. He sees the current state of the first floor with perfect recall, and he’s on his feet. He’s skittering down the hall, calling out.

“Kate!” He hits the top of the stairs on a slide and almost goes the rest of the way down courtesy of gravity. He recovers at the last second and rapid-fires it down to meet her. “Kate. Hi. This . . . oh, man.” His perfect recall downplayed the chaos apparently. “This looks bad.”

“Bad. You think?” Those three words are all she lets through her teeth. He watches her breathe through the irritation, the wash of fear she must have felt. He watches her shake it off for his sake. For him. “You’re moping again.”

“I am not moping,” he scoffs. “I have not moped!”

“Castle.” She grabs his elbow and tugs him toward the couch. It’s covered—covered—in magazines and coffee table books. It’s covered in random crap that’s usually tucked away somewhere. She stacks a few things on the arm to make a little space and pulls him to sit beside her. “She hasn’t moved out yet. She hasn’t even started seriously looking!”

“I’m not moping.” He dive-bombs her with a kiss that carries with it a complicated truth. He has been moping. He hates change and he’s been moping over the fact that his mother will be a few subway stops away soon. He’s been moping over the fact that Alexis is dropping the subtlest of hints that she will not, in fact, be growing old in the loft. He’s been moping despite the fact that he knows all of them living crammed in like this is unsustainable, so he might as well admit it. “I have—occasionally—been moping, but now . . .” He breathes through something of his own. “I was looking for blueprints.”

She looks around, confused. “Blueprints . . . for here?”

“For here. Yeah. But not this here.” He looks around, too. He casts his eyes upward. “Before my mother moved in, I had some plans for upstairs drawn up.”

“Man room?” she asks dryly.

“Total man room.” He laughs and shoves books and magazines to the floor. He sprawls the length of the couch and tugs her along. He folds her in close to his body and wonders if she can feel the butterflies beating their wings against his ribs. “But the layout might work for a nursery, too.”

There’s a pause—a long pause—but he’s calm. He’s eerily calm after something like a full day of frenetic action.

“A nursery, huh?” Her voice is level, but he feels a shiver run through her body. He senses the crackle of excitement tripping along the surface of her skin. “You think so?”

“I think so.” He buries the words against her neck. He buries a humming, electric smile there. “Space themed.”

“Space!” She tips her head back. She casts her eyes upward and laughs. “Works for a boy or a girl, I guess.”

“Obviously.”

images via homeofthenutty

#Castle #Caskett #Castle: Season 7 #Castle: The Wrong Stuff #Kate Beckett #Richard Castle #Martha Rodgers #Alexis Castle #fic #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Fan Fic #Fan Fiction #Writing #Drabble #Drabble Fail #My Brain is Fucking Incorrigible

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allanamayer · 5 years ago

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Libraries and room rentals.

I was at a bit of a loss to contribute to the fiasco that is public libraries letting hate groups book their rooms. Mainly because the most important things have already been said:

But, since that blog post went up, something new happened! All credit goes to the law librarian @Jenifesto on Twitter - I saw the case via Sam Popowich:

h/t to law librarian extraordinaire @Jenifesto who actually found the case. https://t.co/DAukfygjUu

— das Gespenst des Kommunismus (@redlibrarian)

October 19, 2019

If you don’t feel like reading CanLii (and really, who does) there’s also an Ottawa Citizen article from September, when the decision came down:

https://ottawacitizen.com/news/local-news/court-upholds-librarys-decision-to-cancel-screening-of-controversial-film

The main points here are: community room rentals are not part of a “library’s core service” and therefore not subject to the same kind of scrutiny that a public institution fulfilling its mandate might normally be. What that apparently means is that a library can book or cancel room rentals at its complete and total discretion, beholden to none.

That means public libraries can write their own room rental policies, adhere to or change said policies at will, and basically ignore anyone who asks them to do otherwise.

In this particular case, OPL cancelled a booking (a film screening) based on a clause in their own room rental policy, which says they have discretion to cancel based on whether an event will or likely will promote hatred. Of course, libraries can reserve the right to cancel any booking at their own discretion, not subject to appeal, etc., if they want to - they can write that into their policies at any time. It will certainly save you the legal fees & committee time on writing the rest of it.

It’s important to note that by OPL's own standard the “will or likely will” was fairly cut and dried given that it was a film screening. You know the full content in advance, you can judge pretty quickly (as the article says, a 30-second googling) how it’s gonna play out. So, this case neatly sidesteps the “What if a convicted Nazi is making the booking? He might not say anything hateful while he’s there! He might not even be a Nazi anymore!” question of the TPL memorial service last year. If your library has a very specific policy written to delicately handle nuance and appear equitable and legally-adherent, rather than a solid “We unilaterally determine your eligibility, period” statement, you may run aground of some of these things.

Were room booking policies before last month written as though room booking is a core library service and therefore subject to the public policy of being open and equitable to all? Yes, they certainly were. Is TPL’s definitely boneheaded and possibly bigoted refusal to hurdle themselves over on to the right side of history a bit silly given this new ruling? Yes, it certainly is.

It’s commendable that a library considers itself to be working to support freedom of expression even in areas where the law does not dictate it do so, but it’s also 2019 and Nazis are everywhere - a very clear and detailed understanding of freedom of expression and its specifics exemptions & Charter overrides is required if you’re going to Do That Work. Some libraries are making it abundantly clear that they’re either ignoring that requirement, or they’re using a semblance of ignorance to pursue a hateful agenda. There really are no excuses at this point: they all have lawyers, and those lawyers all know how to research. The decision to err on the side of “Don’t get sued by fascists” seems particularly chickenshit given TPL is the largest library system in North America and can marshall the resources and support required to fight that fight on behalf of every smaller library, setting a useful and meaningful precedent that will go a lot further than the minor decisions of the many boards and committees their executives sit on. But no matter: Ottawa Public Library did it, and wouldn’t you have it, that handy little decision is going to become inordinately useful to crafting policies from here on out.

TPL's extremely conservative stand has actively damaged its relationship with its patrons, which is extremely irresponsible for whoever is doing the decision-making. Of course, they’ve fully Barbara-Streisand-ed themselves now and are doubling-down on their bad decisions, so there’s nothing to be done about this particular event. But the media shitstorm that’s raining down on them right now is also a precedent of its own, and hopefully smaller libraries can learn from this mistake.

----

Now that the major point is out of the way, let's discuss some interesting tidbits.

What might your library do if you wanted to support and uphold freedom of expression in ways that don't benefit Nazis? Well, there's always teaching yourselves (staff) and then others (the public) about Charter rights! Programming around what does and does not constitute hate speech might be a bit touchy, especially for sharing explicit examples with a variety of audiences, but it's well worth an attempt.

If you can't bring yourself to that level of ambition you can always program and educate more generally. You can teach people how to express themselves and where to do so - online, in petitions, with letters to their elected representatives, by organizing into groups, with press releases, with posters, with self-publishing, with zines!

The other big exception to freedom of expression is defamation. There is LOTS to be learned by everyone here, from the basic definitions and existing court cases to the ongoing issues with SLAPP lawsuits and jurisdictional leniencies. What are some cases where potentially defamatory messages were protected because they were a matter of public importance? How can people protect themselves from SLAPP lawsuits while still speaking on issues of public good? Can the library hook people up with legal help?

These are things that Nazis may benefit from too, but it can't hurt to educate the populace at the same time.

You can also avail yourselves of your Section 15-2 rights to provide affirmative action - to not just provide spaces and services free of discrimination but to offer special amelioration of the conditions of disadvantaged individuals. That means safe spaces! Women-only groups! Cultural meetups! Trans meetups! Support for youth experiencing discrimination! An accessibility advisory group!

Another thing I just want to duly note is that room rentals and their subsequent cancellation are not censorship. Libraries are not the only places that allow public events, and refusing library space to a group doesn't mean they can't find it elsewhere. There is no denial of freedom of expression if a library says "Nah, no thanks," although if you hold out until the last possible moment and make it impossible for them to rebook elsewhere on the same date, they might have a contractual issue to take up with you. So, please don't dither about and then end up in that situation.

If you find yourselves in the position of only finding out quite late the kind of things that have been booked, you can head this off at the pass by making your room booking more stringent and requiring more information from applicants. They may of course mislead you but then you can probably sue THEM so it's fun all round.

Okay okay in all seriousness, only a few rather large and privileged libraries have space for rent anyways, but it can be challenging to find staffing and resources to really vet your bookings. It will be impossible to weed out violent and hateful applicants 100% of the time. There is never a solution that doesn't negatively impact other groups in your community, from not offering rentals at all to requiring stringent application information. Even OPL wasn't able to screen applicants adequately until there was a public outcry.

Given that this is going to keep Being A Thing now that fascists nationwide have cottoned on to the concept, you had better prepare for swift response to the organizers' own public announcements. You will find out from a Facebook event or from a Twitter DM from a concerned citizen. You will need to act quickly and decisively and thank those who inform you, and apologize for the limited resources that did not allow you to know sooner. You will need to hold a public messaging line and not budge. You will need to reaffirm your library's number one priority is the safety and security of your most marginalized and vulnerable community members. And you'll need to walk the talk, too, by having other examples and evidence of that support. You will need to trust your public and work with their eyes and ears as your guides, listen to and learn from their concerns and perspectives - not scowl and turn aside when they try to make your work better.

Oh yeah, and under no circumstances should you try to pay people off. Don't do this.

I got a msg from TPL space rentals telling me the City Librarian wanted to reimburse the booking fee for the launch of #IPromise as a "gesture of goodwill." You can't pay me to accept your empty gestures and superficial goodwill. #TransRightsAreHumanRights pic.twitter.com/ZVN6Neyoci

— Catherine Hernandez (@theloudlady) October 25, 2019

#libraries #public libraries #policy

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reformedkingsmanagent · 6 years ago

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(YES THIS IS A SUPER LONG POST. I’M SORRY FOR THAT BUT I HAD TO EXPEL EVERYTHING. I PROMISE IT’S A GOOD READ. EVEN IF IT’S JUST TO FIND FAULT IN. I’LL TAKE IT.) (also pretty please send me your thoughts or add to this even if it’s not in support of the bionic boy. I’d really love to hear it all)

Because it’s been a really really really really really long time since I’ve posted any proper discourse on Charlie as a character and I was admittedly inspired by the brilliant round of discussion concerning Vaughn’s grave misuse of Whiskey as a character (which you can find here, please read, these people are grand and most importantly: RIGHT), here’s some rushed thoughts in no particular order.

I’ll admit, when I watched TSS, it ended and I was gung-ho in Eggsy’s corner. I think we all were. There wasn’t any natural opposition worth arguing over, really. The villains were really, really wrong, and Eggsy was purely correct in what he was fighting for.

I didn’t give Charlie a second glance. (Can you believe that? Ha, me either.) They wrote him too one-note. Sure, he was pretty handsome, but not someone I’d think about for more than a second as his rudeness towards the golden boy, Eggsy turned me off, big time.

So imagine my great surprise when I go see TGC in theaters and I’m left stunned in my seat while I panic about my friend sitting beside me immediately judging me the moment I open my mouth and utter the words “I didn’t like Eggsy so much this time.”

Except what I really meant to say was “holy shit, Charlie got an upgrade.”

Because let’s be real, he did! Not just in appearance, though that was a bonus, but you can tell Ed really tried to give Charlie more dimension, even with what little he was given to work with.

In TSS he was a bratty posh rich boy with no real stake in the fight who gave up at the perfect spot to advance the plot (though I have tons of thoughts about how that all could be read differently).

TGC let him grow. There’s a year we don’t know about, but obviously he’s been through a LOT. We see him waking up in Valentine’s bunker, MISSING AN ARM and HOBBLING OVER MANY MANY MANY DEAD BODIES INCLUDING THOSE OF HIS FAMILY. That’s not something I’d probably ever get over, let alone survive.

(Can you imagine his family seeing him get zapped, possibly going over to console him and wake him up, only for their heads to go ‘pop’? Because I sure can.)

We still know nothing about how he got fixed up with all his new gadgets besides that Poppy’s guys made them, we don’t even know how he came into contact with Poppy or how long he was alone, injured, before he got help.

We do know Poppy was aware of what Valentine did, and probably what caused his demise (Kingsman), so did she stop by to investigate? Was she somehow already there and immune from the head-popping incident? Did she come across a gravely injured Charlie and take him in? Or did they cross paths some other way, possibly after he recovered?

If she found him and took him in right away, it wasn’t because of his connections. He couldn’t SPEAK. He couldn’t tell her all the insider information he had access to, he didn’t even know her plans.

So there had to be a level of care there on Poppy’s part. And sure, through seeing how she was looking after him, Charlie came to care for her too, probably using her as a surrogate mother figure after stumbling over his own mother’s headless body in the bunker.

The kid’s gone through some trauma. We have to give him that.

For holding a knife to Eggsy’s neck and otherwise being a non-issue, his whole family got killed. Yeah, them being there was probably a decent justification for what happened to them, but...is it though?

How do we know the circumstances that put Charlie there? His mother there? His brothers there? (Don’t fight me, he has to have brothers with how he acts) His father we can assume made some sort of deal with Valentine. It’s obvious Charlie’s dad’s got connections, what with securing Charlie as Arthur’s candidate in the first place, and we can assume they’re both a bit shady after it’s uncovered that Arthur’s a traitor, but I’m sure Charlie didn’t know the details. At least, not all of them.

His story would’ve ended there if not for Eggsy (ACCIDENTALLY) saving his life, which Eggsy was less than pleased about.

YOU DISAGREE AND BICKER WITH SOMEONE AND THAT’S JUSTIFICATION FOR KILLING THEM?

I’m sorry, does anyone else think that’s a bit...weird? No? Just me? I’m sure this won’t be palatable for most people, but these are things I think about during subsequent re-watches of these films, from an incredibly biased perspective.

So let’s make that clear in case my blog’s existence didn’t already give it away.

YES I AM BIASED. SO FUCKING BIASED. I LOVE THIS BOY AND THINK HE DESERVED BETTER.

Alright. Sorry. Back to it.

So great: Charlie survived, and spent a year recovering (possibly all of it spent with Poppy). He got his voice back via a strange device, and he got a brand new shiny arm to match.

Once fully in Poppy’s retinue, he was finally utilized for a plan she’d been working on for a long time. Those antidote production facilities don’t pop up overnight. The stockpiles of it don’t appear in a few days. Enough for almost the whole population, all across the world? This took planning. I’d even argue this was well underway before Charlie got on board. Him having inside information about Kingsman only helped Poppy feel like it was finally the right time to go ahead with it all.

And it’s not as if he was immediately spilling the beans. Eggsy was established, comfortable even, before Charlie showed back up again. Meaning he kept some of the information to himself until he really trusted Poppy, or, they planned this confrontation for months. Making sure Charlie was ready.

And this is very important:

Making sure Charlie wouldn’t go after Eggsy in blind anger for what happened to his family. Making sure he was focused singularly on their goal of getting the information out of that taxi.

You have to notice some things about the cab fight.

First, Charlie was after the console in the back. Had Eggsy unlocked the cab and left, that would’ve been the end of the encounter. Of course, Eggsy wouldn’t just give up trade secrets like that (which I totally agree with), so instead he forces Charlie into the cab to attempt to get rid of him.

Second, Charlie was not trying to kill Eggsy. He just wasn’t. Flashy fight scene aside, the only moments where anyone was in real danger were:

Eggsy shooting at Charlie (Did he just magically understand that the arm would protect him? No)

Eggsy about to get sandwiched between the two cars (was Charlie driving? No)

And Eggsy swiping at Charlie with the poisoned blade in his shoe, the very same weapon he used to kill Gazelle.

We can assume Charlie wasn’t intending to kill the cab driver. Honestly. He was just saving himself. But yeah, sure, I’ll give you that one.

Charlie’s thrown from the cab, his metal arm left behind, but he’s still breathing. Regardless, he succeeded. In gaining information. Information Poppy wanted.

Did Charlie know what Poppy planned to use the information for? Most definitely. So yeah, while I can sit here all day and tell you he didn’t personally push the button, I’ll give you that too. I can imagine Poppy doing it in a protective, motherly way. The way she watches the progress with Charlie. She announces to him that it’s been dealt with. And then gives him a gift.

Yeah, I know. Arm-Ageddon.

He gets this mere days before the final confrontation. This weighs into how ineffective he seems. He’s not had any time to train with it. He’s had the lesser version of the arm for much longer, but it’s lighter, smaller, less obvious, and less useful in a fight besides for self-defense.

What time has he had to train with the new arm? To get used to the heft of it? Pretty much none, when you think about it. He’s been travelling around for Poppy, for Clara, and most of this movie takes place across a few days. I’d say he’s doing his best adapting.

His whole fighting style has changed. He relies upon it HEAVILY and chooses to anchor himself as opposed to staying flexible and on the move. He’s a heavy hitter now, kind of tank-y, but we don’t get to see much variety. Because there’s not time to explore its many new functions.

In between all this we get a glimpse of how Charlie’s changed. We know nothing about the extent or actual status of Charlie’s relationship with Clara. First, she’s his ex. Then she’s his girlfriend. I get it, it’s “complicated,” we just don’t know. Was she with him before V-Day? Did he bring her on with Poppy? Or did he meet her through TGC?

Who knows.

The bigger takeaway is that despite whatever is going on, they are mostly apart and he definitely warned her about the spiked drugs. Does she listen? No. But what does he do? He personally sees to it that she gets the antidote. She gets cured.

And I’ll put money on Poppy not having a clue.

Why? Because it’s risky at this stage. Also, an antidote was taken by Eggsy as a result, and Charlie didn’t know what became of it. But he had to report it to Poppy just the same. Destroying that stockpile wasn’t his call to make. But was he ordered to get rid of it? Most definitely.

So yeah, sure he’s angry with Clara for hooking up with his mortal enemy and leading him there, but he’s more angry with Eggsy. He doesn’t yell at Clara, though she definitely knows she’s messed up, instead he focuses his anger on Eggsy. He knows if they get away with the antidote he risks his position at Poppy’s table. And that’s the last thing he wants to do.

Because Poppy = mom, and that’s exactly what Charlie needs.

We also get to see how polite Charlie is.

He’s nice to Poppy. He tries to get her to perk up and gives her bits of motivation when she’s down. He indulges her silly hobbies like bowling and going to Elton concerts for two.

He thanks the guy for opening the door at the antidote stockpile because even though he’s absolutely pissed off, he knows it’s not to be directed at him.

He’s trying, okay?

Alright, I know this is stupidly long at this point and I feel like cutting it down so it’s something people will actually read but. I just can’t do that.

Still, I’ll try to wrap this up.

Charlie doesn’t give up Poppy’s information. Whether he knows about the password or not is irrelevant. He struggles against Eggsy, but ultimately he accepts his fate. You can see it in his face.

He laughs. He laughs because he knows it’s unavoidable. He doesn’t cry, he doesn’t throw a fit. He accepts it.

Quite different from him being tied to those train tracks, don’t you think?

If that’s not growth, then I don’t know what is.

And let’s point one other thing out.

Poppy’s plan would’ve worked and there would’ve been FAR LESS CASUALTIES if not for the dick president refusing to sign. So while a bit misguided, we can say that not all those lives lost are on Poppy’s hands either. Not that she’s a saint, she grinds up people and feeds them to her employees, but she’s not 100% culpable.

I do absolutely think quite a few people would’ve died simply based on the logistics of getting those documents from point A to point B, it would’ve been drastically reduced. We can’t know for sure.

Holding the population hostage? Super shitty.

Not signing the documents because you’re a holier-than-thou dick? Also super shitty. Just saying.

And if you REALLY want to put this in a grey area, what about Tequila? Not gonna open that can of worms, but the idea that Eggsy and co. are 100% pure isn’t fair. So can we allow a tiny percentage of acceptance of Charlie? Because in the grand scheme of things he’s really no villain. An obstacle? Sure. But a villain? No. Does he have reason to be now if they somehow bring him back for a future film (PLEASE)? YEP.

Charlie’s not a hero. Not even close. Does he have reason to be angry though? Hell yes. Does he do a relatively good job at controlling himself? Yep. Did he deserve an apology, or even a chance at possible redemption? Absolutely.

He reacted to hearing Merlin over the walkie talkie, so there’s some part of him that doesn’t totally hate Kingsman…

Give the boy a shot. Please.

#charlie hesketh #KINGSMAN #STUPIDLY LONG WASTE OF A POST BUT #I was inspired #everybody deserved better this time around #I can't even think about what they did to roxy without burning anger #healthy discourse is good for the community #I think #I love you guys please don't be mad at me for this #if you think I'm wrong that's valid and fair #I'd love to hear more opposing opinions

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theliberaltony · 5 years ago

Link

via Politics – FiveThirtyEight

Welcome to FiveThirtyEight’s weekly politics chat. The transcript below has been lightly edited.

sarahf (Sarah Frostenson, politics editor): Last week, congresswomen Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Ilhan Omar, Ayanna Pressley and Rashida Tlaib captured headlines for breaking with House Democrats and Nancy Pelosi on an emergency border aid bill that lacked protections for migrant children.

This wasn’t the first time the so-called “Squad” broke ranks. Or the first time their public disagreement with House leadership has led to sniping in the press (Pelosi told New York Times op-ed columnist Maureen Dowd that “All these people have their public whatever and their Twitter world. But they didn’t have any following. They’re four people and that’s how many votes they got.”)

But it’s not just Democratic leadership taking aim. Republicans have tried to paint “the Squad” as part of the “radical left,” and the direction the party is moving in. And on Sunday, President Trump sparked a firestorm — at least among Democrats — when he tweeted that “‘Progressive’ Democrat Congresswomen” should “go back and help fix the totally broken and crime infested places from which they came.”

So what is it about the Squad that has captured the attention of both Republicans and Democrats? Let’s try to tackle this in two parts: 1) What role do we think the Squad has in pushing the Democratic Party in a new direction? 2) And what, if any, do we think will be the electoral repercussions in 2020?

To get us started, what do we make of the news surrounding the Squad and their split from Pelosi and House Democrats on the emergency border aid bill?

julia_azari (Julia Azari, political science professor at Marquette University and FiveThirtyEight contributor): Well, I can start from providing the view from poli sci Twitter, which tends to be a fairly pro-party group of people (and leans Democratic/anti-Trump). So in response to the Twitter fight between the House Democrats’ account and AOC’s chief of staff, there was a lot of talk like “have these fights behind closed doors, don’t have a big, public blowup.”

But I disagree. Party infighting should not be done in a smoke-filled room. That’s just not what people want from politics anymore, and I think when that does happen, it contributes to further institutional distrust and disengagement.

natesilver (Nate Silver, editor in chief): I’d note that AOC has a Trump score of 18 percent, meaning that she’s voted in line with Trump’s position 18 percent of the time. But according to her data, you’d expect her to vote with Trump about… 0 percent of the time based on how liberal her district is.

So she’s actually proving a bit problematic for Pelosi, in the sense that she should be a guaranteed vote, but Pelosi is only getting her ~80 percent of the time. Except none of this has really mattered since Pelosi has room to spare in the House, and a lot of legislation that passes the House has no chance of passing a GOP-led Senate anyway.

sarahf: Is there at least an argument to be made that Pelosi and the Squad should take fewer swipes at each other over their disagreements, as too much of a focus on intraparty fighting can’t be good for the party?

julia_azari: So here’s my galaxy brain take.

natesilver:

julia_azari: It’s good for the Squad for Pelosi, at least, to take swipes at them. After all, part of the anti-establishment brand is to be in tension with, well, the establishment. And it’s possible that leaders like Pelosi know this! What I’m not really sure about is how good the Squad (so much shorter than typing all their names) is for the Democratic Party.

I don’t think they’re a problem, but it’s too early to gauge their party-building potential. And obviously, they make some people nervous. But if the goal is to engage young people, women and people of color, and keep the left flank of the party somewhat happy, they seem like a good bet.

I am really long-winded today. #sorrynotsorry

perry (Perry Bacon Jr., senior writer): It would be smart for the party establishment to think of this as natural tension between the wings of the party.

The problem is I don’t think they actually do, which is one of the reasons why this is all so interesting. (The House leadership’s official Twitter account attacked AOC’s chief of staff over the weekend, with the implication that she should fire him.)

sarahf: To Julia’s point about the Squad’s party-building potential, isn’t there an argument to be made that they don’t even need to have that? Their ethos is that they’re here to do away with the old system. They agitate for change; they don’t need to bridge consensus within the party, unlike say, Pelosi, who has a very different role to play.

And the fact that virtually all of the 2020 Democratic candidates have a position on the Green New Deal is a testament to their effectiveness at pushing the party in new directions, no?

julia_azari: Right. Which maybe Pelosi likes and maybe she doesn’t. Obviously, moving to the left carries risks. But (and this is where I got into it with a bunch of people on Twitter on Sunday), it’s not clear to me that Democratic leaders actually want to go back to the 1990s and early 2000s.

Yes, the party was more “professionalized,” and less split internally, than it is now. It also won two plurality elections and lost to George W. Bush. Not to mention, voter turnout was low.

So one lesson you might learn from the 2008 period onward is that the party does well with fresh faces, even if it also has to win suburban swing districts that might not view AOC and Rashida Tlaib all that favorably.

perry: But the Democratic establishment (I don’t know about Pelosi, personally) seems to think that the prominence of these four women is not a natural, healthy tension, and instead is broadly bad for the party.

And I think their preferred outcome is that the AOC wing basically stays quiet until December 2020 (after the presidential election). That’s where the real tension is.

julia_azari: We’ve (and here, I specifically mean academics and the media) way overemphasized the concept of party unity.

sarahf: I guess I just don’t understand why the Democratic establishment is making this into such a big deal. But I agree with Perry that they definitely would prefer the AOC wing of the party stay quiet, especially when polls like this are leaked. (Axios wouldn’t disclose the group that conducted the poll, so there’s a lot we don’t know about it, and its findings should be treated with skepticism. But it reportedly found that many likely general election voters who are white and have two years or less of college education had a negative opinion of AOC and socialism.)

julia_azari: For the record, that Axios piece is extremely misleading.

sarahf:

It’s just hard for me to believe that these four women really would have that much of an impact on 2020?

natesilver: I kinda come back to Occam’s razor on this. When you have a bunch of new members who want to push the party in a more ideological direction, it usually entails electoral risk. But the benefit, potentially, is that you also shift the party’s platform in that direction.

perry: Yes, but so many party establishment people want to take away any unnecessary election risks–and I think they would argue AOC talking about getting rid of the Department of Homeland Security, for example, is an unnecessary election risk.

natesilver: It’s also probably a very marginal electoral risk in a world where Donald Trump is president and there’s much bigger news all the time.

julia_azari: Part of the problem is that the lessons of 2016 aren’t clear. You could say that 2016 showed that there was a real push to move Democrats to the left. Or you could say that 2016 was about how Democrats lost groups of voters to Republicans (e.g. the diploma divide among white voters). And those forces push the party in different directions.

perry: The party establishment is probably overstating the rise of the AOC wing in terms of affecting the 2020 elections. But their risk assessment, I think, is driving these tensions–leading Pelosi to bash the AOC wing fairly often, for example.

natesilver: But it’s not crazy for the party establishment to be worried about it! Sometimes I think everyone in this discussion is not always clear about what they think will be electorally advantageous versus what they do — or don’t — like policywise.

julia_azari: Most of this in relation to the Squad is marginal, though, no matter how many hot headlines Axios posts with polls that don’t actually say anything about AOC being the face of the party or about swing states.

natesilver: Journalistic malpractice on Axios’s part TBH to publish a poll without even listing who conducted the poll.

We don’t even know who leaked it. We don’t even know if the poll was real. We should be that skeptical when basic facts and details about a poll are missing like that.

sarahf: That’s fair. And I know we’ve talked about this before, but I think part of what we’re seeing play out here, especially with AOC, is there is now a group of politicians that aren’t willing to play by the old rules. And they will use their large social media followings to get their message across, and on their terms.

So maybe party leadership is scared of losing control?

And so we see Pelosi snipe about how they’re only four votes.

Maybe the Freedom Caucus and the headaches it has caused for the Republican Party has so scarred Democratic leadership that they’ll do anything to stop this faction of their party from growing.

But is this kind of fear misplaced? How much is the Squad really moving the party to the left?

natesilver: Clare said this yesterday on the podcast, but the Squad are very effective at getting media attention, and the media is quite happy to play up the “Democrats IN DISARRAY!” storylines. So in that sense it does seem like a mistake for Pelosi et al. to hit back at them.

perry: About a third of the 235 House Democrats (CNN has this number at 82) support starting an impeachment inquiry into Trump.

Ninety-five support the Green New Deal; 118 support Medicare for All. So just in terms of raw numbers, the positions of the AOC wing are much broader than four people.

I think the big shift for Pelosi is that she has never had a vocal, powerful group saying that she is too far to the right. For basically the entire time Pelosi has led the House Democrats, her biggest tension has been with the right flank of the party — some conservative Democrats in the House thought that she was too far to the left.

But now, Pelosi is being attacked from the left in a serious way, for the first time. And I actually think she and Biden are responding in similar ways to these attacks from the left.

My sense is they both see themselves as liberal icons–the man who helped elect the first black president, the woman who pushed through a huge health care reform that extended insurance to millions. And I think this criticism from the younger generation of Democrats makes them mad. Pelosi seems indignant at times, so does Biden.

julia_azari: Biden and Pelosi also managed to establish themselves as liberals when cultural/LGBT issues were on the rise in the party, and you didn’t have to do anything particularly radical to be liberal enough on economics and race.

In 2019, it takes more to be a liberal icon.

natesilver: I mean… I don’t know that the Squad always pick their battles all that well, and in that sense they are pretty Freedom Caucus-like. On the other hand, they have a lot more star power than the Freedom Caucus. There is a lot of political talent there.

And they’re all pretty young. So a lot of my critiques of Bernie Sanders’s campaign, for instance, i.e. that he doesn’t have a good plan to expand his base, definitely doesn’t apply to the Squad when they can unify leftist Democrats with nonwhite Democrats.

sarahf: Something I think we’re all touching on here is the fact that it is four women of color pushing the party to the left and challenging the status quo. And that matters. Each of them have made appeals to their background and how they represent people who historically haven’t had a seat at the table.

And this probably, to put it bluntly, does make certain older vanguards of the party uncomfortable, because they consider themselves to be liberal, and that now they’re forced to reckon with the idea that they’re maybe not as liberal as they think.

perry: I want to come back to something Nate said earlier that I think is essential.

“Sometimes I think everyone in this discussion is not always clear about what they think will be electorally advantageous versus what they do — or don’t — like policywise.”

The AOC wing at times says its ideas, like Medicare for All, are both the right thing to do on policy AND will help Democrats electorally, by either increasing turnout among people who might not otherwise vote or appealing to swing voters. Whereas the establishment wing often says a policy is bad on substance and that it will hurt Democrats’ chances in 2020.

To me, both sides are overconfident in saying that their policy views are the best electoral position, too.

natesilver: I get annoyed by this sort of question for a couple of different reasons. On the one hand, I think it’s generally bullshit to think that a policy that polls as being quite unpopular will magically turn out to be electorally helpful because it motivates the base or whatever.

On the other hand, there’s a lot of bullshit in which more establishment/centrist Democrats will deride a policy for being unpopular, when their real motivation against it is that they don’t like the policy.

perry: I know it’s our job to analyze elections. But I think it’s really hard to figure out exactly how policy ideas and outcomes affect election results. So I find claims people make suggesting “Policy X is unpopular so Candidate Y will lose” to be way too overconfident at times. At the same time, we can make some judgements.

For example, “Medicare for everyone who wants it’ (the basic position of Biden, Pete Buttigieg and other more centrist Democrats) is probably a safer political position than “Medicare for everyone and change the whole system” (the stance of AOC and Sanders). I say that even though Medicare for All might be a better health care policy.

natesilver: “Medicare for everyone who wants it” is indeed quite a bit more popular than “Medicare for all,” and one of the reasons “Medicare for all” polls well is because people assume “Medicare for all” means “Medicare for everyone who wants it.”

julia_azari: So my view on the policy thing is complicated. Nate has the Occam’s razor view that I think makes sense, but here’s another galaxy-brain take. I spend most of my time in Wisconsin, a state with a long anti-establishment political tradition, and around a lot of younger people (my students), so my sense of how popular some anti-establishment and left-leaning policies are is probably inflated. But in general, I think most people are NOT sophisticated on policy specifics, but they are sensitive to scary images and wording. There’s even evidence that policies that sound too left-leaning or disruptive are especially vulnerable to scary images and messaging. So while it might seem like a lot of people are not happy with the status quo, that does not mean major, risky policy change isn’t still intimidating.

perry: That’s well put. Medicare for All is very vulnerable to scare tactics.

sarahf: Especially when abolishing private insurance enters the equation.

natesilver: I don’t know. I sort of agree with Vox’s Matt Yglesias that people are learning the wrong lesson from Trump. He was actually perceived as a relative moderate by voters in 2016.

perry: I understand many voters said that Trump was more moderate than Clinton.

But I just have a hard time with this idea that the candidate who ran calling for a ban on Muslims traveling to the United States and suggested that he would “lock up” his opponent was the moderate candidate.

natesilver: IDK, I think we’ve shifted from a media environment in which a lot of outlets took an (implicitly center or center-left) “view from nowhere” to one in which the media is more outspoken, and the difference between partisan and nonpartisan media is a little blurrier.

And I think that’s shifted the assumptions about whether centrism is electorally advantageous in a direction that claims that, actually, elections are all about turning out your base. But I don’t think there’s actually any evidence that how you win elections has changed.

julia_azari: I don’t think I read Matt’s piece but that’s not gonna stop me from saying I’m not sure I think the discussion around moderate candidates is useful. Even if Trump was thought of as a moderate, he ran in a way that criticized the status quo.

Basically I’ve become one of those Twitter trolls who reads the headline and then makes a critique.

natesilver: Trump also won independents 46-42 though!

sarahf: We can’t downplay just how much Clinton and Trump were disliked in 2016, though. Yes, Trump won, but that might say more about how we think about women in politics more than anything else.

natesilver: What if Clinton had run as more of a centrist, though? Would she have gotten more than 8 percent of the Republican vote? The Democrats had a pretty darn liberal platform.

julia_azari: My suspicion is that it’s a wash, but I may be discounting the impact of Democrats being perceived as too left/liberal.

sarahf: If Clinton had higher favorables, I don’t think it would have mattered how she ran, i.e. centrist or super liberal.

perry: So that gets to the real question. Would Democrats be marginally better off if AOC

and company were a little less prominent till December 2020?

sarahf: Yes, I think that’s the argument Pelosi and leadership are making. I just don’t think it’s particularly salient. But I also haven’t seen the attack ads yet, I suppose.

perry: My own, non-data judgement, is yes, Democrats would be slightly better off if AOC and her allies were less prominent in the run-up to the 2020 election. Why? Because having issues of race and identity (like immigration policy and four very liberal, female people of color) being central to the presidential election is hard for Democrats. They have become the party of people of color but most voters are white and this is especially true in key swing states (in particular, Michigan and Wisconsin). Also, Trump is likely to run a 2020 campaign about race and identity that raises the question of who should represent America–forcing voters to take sides.

Pelosi, I assume, does not want the 2020 election to be seen by the public as a battle between AOC’s vision of America (even if Biden is the Democratic nominee) and Trump’s vision of America. And I think she is right to be concerned about that. This is not a new challenge for Democrats. Hillary Clinton was probably not helped by the rise of Black Lives Matter preceding the 2016 election, and backlash to the civil rights movement arguably helped Richard Nixon win the 1972 election.

natesilver: I guess the counterargument, which folks were sorta alluding to above, is that Pelosi can push back against the Squad to show that actually she’s the “reasonable,” moderate one. I’m not sure I buy that counterargument, but it’s an argument.

julia_azari: YES, THE GALAXY BRAIN TAKE.

My read on this is that this stuff is always bubbling under the surface, also. Like you can’t indefinitely ignore race issues because they’re tricky politically.

natesilver: Democrats derive certain benefits from having a more diverse coalition, one of which is that the coalition is simply broader — more people identify as Democrats in this country than Republicans. It also entails certain costs, including tension among different parts of your constituency that can have racial undertones (or even overtones).

The hard part for Democrats right now is that nonwhite voters are significantly disempowered by the Electoral College, and especially by the Senate.

#IFTTT #Politics – FiveThirtyEight #politics #538 #A FiveThirtyEight Chat

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robertogreco · 6 years ago

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Varsity Blues and the Destructive Myth of Meritocracy

In the wake of the “Varsity Blues” college admissions scandal that made news on March 12, 2019, I wrote (mildly edited here with more character space and one grammatical correction):

It’s not just a matter of who “should“ get in or not and graduate from where or not. “Elite” educations aren’t really cultivating better critical thinkers — otherwise the graduates would’ve dismantled them by now rather than flashing degrees to lift themselves and justify their advantages.

We need to give up on the notion of “earn” and “deserve,” and make sure our collective resources and wealth are spread (redistributed) evenly, that everyone is taken care of, and that we don’t wreck the planet (reverse the wrecking).

Then I found many other great reminders about the lie of meritocracy and its assistance in building inequality and maintaining the system. I have collected them here.

★

Dana Goldstein:

When rich and famous people allegedly buy their children admission to elite colleges, you have to wonder what terrible fate they believe will befall their incredibly privileged offspring if they don't attend such schools.

What drives the anxiety? Fears of downward mobility? Name brand obsession? Has the education gospel anxiety traveled this far up the economic ladder? Paging @tressiemcphd!

Tressie McMillan Cottom responds:

Yes, I like Shamus Khan and Mitchell Stevens here. It is hard to completely process if it isn't your culture but there is no such thing as "enough" for elite status groups. Their anxiety feels as real to them as the objectively more real risk of failure feels to poor families

★

Jessica Valenti:

What I don't really get about this college scheme is that these kids were gonna be FINE and RICH no matter what. Who cares if they got into some college?

My only explanation - somewhat supported by the totally bananas court document - is that the parents wanted their kids (who were unaware of the fraud) to feel smart. That's some next level shit

Tressie McMillan Cottom responds:

Again, it's hard to explain but the social reproduction of privilege requires this kind of anxiety.

Nadirah Farah Foley adds:

yes — and this is where Khan's distinction between privilege and entitlement is so crucial. an elite degree legitimates advantage as earned rather than inherited, which is essential for status under the meritocratic logics & ideals that dominate US society.

★

Nana Kwame:

So you mean rich people cheat the system to get their kids in.. in an institution that artificially creates a perception of scarcity regarding a resource that is not scare in order to drive extraordinary costs up which in turn perpetuates mass inequality at all levels of society?

★

Antonio García Martínez:

What's funniest about the college bribery scandal is that the privileged, unbright scions of celebrity wealth felt they needed the imprimatur of prestige schools to justify their rank in life, to bolster the charade. A false meritocratic standard is worse than no standard at all.

It's worth recalling that the word 'meritocracy' was coined as a satirical slur in a dystopic novel by a sociologist. Bizarrely, it was ingested by the culture as a universal good that it would be offensive to even question. link to Wikipedia page for meritocracy

★

Nadirah Farah Foley:

I also hate to see us reinforce the idea that the metrics/standards by which we determine deservingness of access to a high-quality education are objectively good/right measures of "merit." and there's a LOT of that implicitly going on in statements about this scandal.

★

Clint Smith:

The very idea of our society, higher-ed or otherwise, being a "meritocracy" is something that was made up to justify & reify existing social hierarchies. It's not real. What's real is how wealth & race combine to give ppl things that they tell themselves they inherently deserve.

★

Nadirah Farah Foley:

there's so many angles to this admissions scandal, but I just keep coming back to the fact that stuff like this probably wouldn't happen if we didn't have a super stratified & unequal system in which attending an elite school comes with such outsized material & symbolic benefits.

that, and we might not have such a stratified system of education if we weren't so wedded to the idea that meritocracy is a good system for meting out just inequalities, and education is the way to administer that system.

it doesn't have to be like this, though.

★

Shamus Khan:

My worry is that it will recede into a discussion about "merit" where we basically say, "oh... we just need to get back to a 'true' meritocracy and then it's all good" rather than asking ourselves what kinds of communities we want to create and what our social responsibilies are.

Nadirah Farah Foley responds:

this. so much of the discourse today is reinforcing the idea that the process is basically about merit except when it's corrupted via bribery or nepotism. the question of what a "true meritocracy" would look like — and whether that's even desirable — is an essential one, imo.

the question of what a "true meritocracy" looks like requires digging into what merit means; the question of whether it's desirable calls for interrogating whether just inequality can exist, or whether inequality in & of itself is unjust/to be avoided. those are tough questions.

★

Anand Giridharadas:

They were the kind of liberals who want to change the world as long as that doesn't mean their world having to change. Much of what appears to be reform in our time is in fact the defense of stasis. These are in fact conservatives who fly stealth under the shield of liberalism.

★

Chanda Prescod-Weinstein:

The problem at these schools isn’t these singular bribes. The problem is the tax-free donations they get which literally cut the tax base for public universities. The problem is the large number of legacies they admit who think they got there through hard work.

★

Reclaim UC:

Has anyone done a study about how increased access to higher education has coincided with dramatically worsening economic inequality in the United States? I.e “access” doesn’t mean what it once meant during the postwar boom.

★

Hoodqueer:

your kid's "spot" doesn't exist. admission to elite american universities is a highly strategic, profit-driven affair. the university gets something out of every student it admits. if it's not money, it's reputation,"diversity," or free labor. your kid's "spot" doesn't exist.

★

Hari Ziyad

Plot twist: the “legitimate” criteria for acceptance into elite schools are all white supremacist bullshit too. SAT scores. Grades. Extra curriculars. None of them make a person smart or special. They all show you’re willing to play their game tho, which is all you need to do.

My hope was that “legacy” was an obvious enough example, but it’s important to mention because all of these things are connected. You can’t have “elite” schools without being rigged for the elite, in big and small ways.

And you can’t have POC complaining about how they were assumed to be accepted into elite schools because of affirmative action without reinforcing this bullshit either. If you did not get accepted due to aff action you did it by perfecting their rules.

★

David J. Leonard:

Derrick Bell made it all too clear in 2002: “We live in a system that espouses merit, equality, and a level playing field, but exalts those with wealth, power, and celebrity, however gained.”

★

Tyler Reinhard (posted previously):

Ivy diplomas are luxury goods, not qualifications. If they had any real value — some educational secret sauce —they would scale it. Instead they do the opposite by offering something “exclusive”, just like every other luxury brand.

Update: 13 March 2019 (same day as post): I have added many more below and will likely continue to do so.

★

Anand Giridharadas (See the full interview here.):

In this college scandal, we haven't heard much from the kids themselves.

But I found a glimpse of how they processed their inflated scores in the indictment.

And it offers a vital lesson: rigging things doesn't make the beneficiaries insecure, but rather unduly self-confident. [video embedded]

★

Talila Lewis:

So many thoughts on #CollegeAdmissionsScandal / #CollegeCheatingScandal.

The true injustice is that with all the cause célèbre, we're missing a prime opportunity to name & address that the US "education" system has since time immemorial been at least racist, classist & ableist.

★

Nadirah Farah Foley:

or, counterpoint: maybe college admissions is a meritocracy! but maybe meritocracy is bad —a system that legitimates inequality and rewards privilege while mischaracterizing it as "ability" and "talent"meritocracy killjoy added,

★

Tamara K. Nopper

So if everybody worked as hard as many who are sharing their stories, all without the extreme wealth and connections and lying we would still have a problem. Cuz people shouldn’t have to be working so damn hard and the stakes shouldn’t be so onerous to gain access to higher ed.

★

Nadirah Farah Foley:

I keep hearing people say bribery is different from donating a building because “bribery is a crime,” but I think it’s important we not lose sight of the fact that legality and morality don’t always overlap. something not being a “crime” doesn’t make it okay.

I’m not saying bribery isn’t a particularly extreme manifestation of leveraging wealth to gain access, but if the only reason you draw the line at bribery is because it happens to be designated a crime...I think it’s worth interrogating why.

★

Eric Levitz:

The real scandal isn’t all the unethical shit rich parents will do to keep their failsons and faildaughters from tumbling down the socioeconomic ladder — it’s that we use adolescents’ test scores to ration economic security in the first place. [link to “All College Admissions Are a Pay-to-Play Scandal”]

★

Nadirah Farah Foley:

I always find "X is not a meritocracy" takes interesting, because they seem to imply that something else is, or could be, a meritocracy. I really wonder about that, though.

★

Anand Giridharadas:

The college bribery scam is not a college bribery scam. It is a master class in how America — governed by a cheater, ruled by rule breakers, managed by a class that confuses its privilege for merit — functions. [with link to “The College Bribery Scam Reveals How Rich People Use 'Charity' to Cheat: Anand Giridharadas explains how alleged payoffs to test takers and athletic coaches are part of a larger ecosystem of elite hypocrisy.”]

★

Anand Giridharadas:

America is being revealed right now as it hasn't been in my lifetime.

Jamil Smith responds:

This, for me, is pretty much the only way that the Trump presidency has been useful—at least in terms of its influence on our politics and culture. The nation’s institutional faults, holes, and past errors are being laid bare in a particularly conspicuous way.

★

John Keogh responding to one of Nadirah Farah Foley’s remarks above:

I find it telling that most people who preach most ardently about the virtues of meritocracy take it as a given they’ll be the ones to win.

Take away that certainty and they find meritocracy a whole lot less attractive.

Nadirah Farah Foley responds:

something that’s surprised me is finding out that while the winners in a meritocratic system may believe in meritocracy more strongly, even those disadvantaged under such a system cling pretty tightly to meritocratic ideals.

@L1vY responds:

We all internalize it because it's the only way to imagine we might end up having some control over it. Socio-economic victim-blaming works like every other type of victim-blaming.

#college admissions #meritocracy #inequality #elitism #capitalism #us #colleges #universities #society #wealth #education #schooling #schooliness #testing #sats #sorting

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nerdy-flower · 6 years ago

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@sinunamor here it is! This is part 1 of a 3-part headcanon I’ve had for a while, I really hope you like it! Sorry it took forever ;^;

Hugo knows change has come to roost when Ernest's dinnertime debriefs turn from reluctant, barely-there details to soap-opera recaps with all the accompanying comedy and tragedy.

“-and I didn't even know this, but Mackenzie told me later, that they were dating before he even dumped Emily, which is like- come on, dude. Did you look at all your options and pick the douchiest possible one?”

“That is very selfish,” Hugo says, frowning around a mouthful of chicken. “I always thought Pat was a nice young man.”

“So did I!” Ernest snorts, stabbing at his rice and sending some spilling over the side. “He's literally the only reason I've been hanging out with the theatre kids. The rest of them are so-”

Damien cuts in as Ernest briefly flails, searching for a word. “Dramatic?”

“Weak,” Ernest pulls a face, seemingly physically pained by the quality of the dad-joke, while Damien appears rather pleased with himself, chuckling into his hand. “Anyway, so Mackenzie said that Pat told her he was just going to keep it on the downlow, basically, until summer because Emily's moving, right? It won't be as awkward then. Except I guess they kind of forgot that their Insta accounts aren't private? So now everyone knows, and Emily has to stage manage her ex-boyfriend while he has a romantic subplot with her former rugby teammate. Because that's not going to go terribly at all.”

“Good heavens,” Damien replies after a moment, dabbing his lips with a cloth napkin. “I don't recall any tales so tangled from my youth, but then, perhaps I've repressed all that nonsense.”

“Didn't they get voted 'cutest couple' in the yearbook?” Hugo cringes as Ernest enthusiastically nods, kindly not answering with his mouth full. “Oh god, and that just went to the printers- No wonder Ms. Lee had aspirin with her lunch today.”

“Yeah, it's all like ten levels of stupid,” Ernest grumbles, not even distracted by Duchess' damp nose nudging at his lap. “I swear, I'm gonna have like no friends by graduation because I can't deal with everybody acting like they've found their soulmate and then dumping them in two weeks. No one our age is gonna get married until our thirties, anyway, shit's expensive.”

“Language,” Hugo chimes in, met with the usual roll of the eyes and offended huff.

“One's youth can be rather fraught and strained,” Damien adds with a knowing grimace, their cutlery clinking audibly against their plates in the quiet coziness of Hugo's dining room. “But you'll find people who don't engage with those sorts of theatrics. And besides, those who do will soon grow out of it.”

“Yeah right, I've heard that one before,” Ernest scoffs, returning to his food. He's quiet for the rest of the meal, and their walk through the park at dusk, Duchess and her boy running ahead. Damien's fingers find Hugo's after sending a quick check-in text to Lucien, and he feels a tentative kind of bliss run through him in the warmth of the setting sun.

***

Hugo's deep-down, etched-on-his-bones love for his job keeps him motivated through all the obnoxious students, righteously indignant parents, and illogical funding cuts, but he does keep a small, hate-fuelled torch burning for outdoor supervision. It's especially hard not to envision his student loan payments going up in smoke while breaking up fights, confiscating cigarettes, or discovering another hopelessly unoriginal piece of lewd graffiti.

Today has been blissfully quiet, if blanketed by damp warmth. He wipes sweat from his brow as he continues his circle around the middle school building. A new fast food joint had recently opened down the street and the promise of buy-one-get-one fries had draw most of the troublemakers away. With the bell approaching, he turns to head in and spots a familiar orange hoodie near the emergency exit ramp behind the library and sighs. No one is ever up to anything good behind the library.

He's still a good thirty feet away, obscured by the parked rustbucket cars in the student lot when he glimpses a shock of pink hair attached to one of his Comp Lit students from Ernest's grade. Tahereh is her name and she's giggling, along with his son, and leaning in awfully close- Nope.

Nope, nope, nope. He turns on his heel and walks away as quickly and quietly as he can. His son deserves privacy, and he had mentioned being paired on a geography project with that girl-

Hugo blows out a sigh, purposefully forgetting the follies of his own adolescence before he gets himself worked up over nothing.

***

A lengthy text conversation with Nick is an unusual relief. He would have preferred to do it by phone, but the man is in England of all places on a work trip. Besides, it's a little more private should Ernest come strolling in.

HV: You're sure you're okay with me taking the helm on this one?

NH: Oh yeah, I'm not worried. You're better at this kinda stuff than I am.

NH: I'll be home in a couple days so I can run recon if things go south lol

Hugo does manage to chuckle at that. Nick instructs him to break a leg and says he's turning in but to text if need be. A lengthy message pops in from Damien, having been Hugo's confidante the previous day, reminding him that his own similar chat with Lucien a few years prior was awkward at the time, but went a long way in maintaining good communication. As well as reassurance that Hugo is a wonderful father with no reason to doubt himself, and this is another prime example of it.

The usual expressions of affection at the close never fail to make Hugo smile. He types a slightly longer than necessary reply and pushes his glasses up. With a silent pep talk, he heads upstairs. It's not like he's going in blind. They've had plenty of very open talks since Ernest was small. About bodies and boundaries and babies. This topic isn't inherently uncomfortable, it's on him to shake that mindset.

Ernest's room is in its usual disarray, but he beckons him in quickly and takes his earbuds out. Flat on his back with his tablet held overhead. As good a start as any.

He assumes the best non-threatening parental figure pose, sitting on the edge of the bed with his elbows on his knees. Ernest is way too clever to fall for the small-talk nonsense so he skips to the point. “I hope you're not upset by this, but I saw you and Tahereh behind the school last-”

“What the hell?” Ernest bites back, anger narrowing his eyes as he drops his tablet and sits up fully. “You're spying on me now?”

“Of course not!” Hugo answers, quick and even with hands held up. “I was on yard duty, I turned right around. The only reason I'm bringing it up is-”

“She's not my girlfriend,” Ernest spits back, blushing and running hot. He draws his knees up and hugs them, a habit leftover from his toddling years. “We just kissed because we're cool like that. It was whatever. Don't make a big deal out of it.”

“I'm not, I promise,” Hugo says, confused and not entirely convinced but trying not to let on. “But say you did find someone you liked and wanted to start dating them, your Pop and I wouldn't be opposed at all. I only wanted to check in with you about er, safety and-”

“Oh my god,” Ernest covers his face, dragging the last word out into a strangled note of exasperation. “I've had sex ed like five times already, I don't need this. Please just shut up.”

Hugo decides admonishing him via their no 'shut up' rule would only make things worse. “I know you have all the basics covered. I just need you to know that you can always come to me or Pop for anything, okay? Don't ever feel embarrassed.” He reaches into his shirt pocket, takes a deep breath, and removes the small cardboard container, pushing it across the comforter towards his son. “And if you need these at any point, don't-”

“Oh my god, no,” Ernest's scowl deepens, the blush creeping down his neck as he explodes in frustration. “No, no, no! I'm never gonna need those, so just get the hell out of here!”

Hugo feels the wrinkles crease on his face as he struggles to say the right thing. Had the divorce put him off the idea of relationships entirely? God, he's too young to be thinking that way, isn't he? “I just want you to have these in case, you know, you meet someone and you want-”

“I don't 'want,' I never have and I'm never going to!” Ernest throws his hands up, eyes still flashing. “I'm a fucking freak, are you happy now? Get out!”

Hugo does not, merely stills as Ernest mashes his face into his knees, actually vibrating from anger, sadness, or both. It nearly does him in, there's nothing that hurts him more than seeing his son in pain. Thankfully, he had said just enough for the puzzle pieces to snap together in Hugo's head.

When the boy's breathing evens out, Hugo dares to inch closer, the mattress sagging with his weight. “Ernest, you're not a freak. There's lots of asexual people in the world and-”

“Name one.” The snappish tone is muffled by denim and knobby knees.

“Well, I mean, I don't know any personally,” Hugo says, rubbing the back of his neck. “But they do exist, they're not unicorns.”

“Unicorns don't exist? This entire day sucks.” They both laugh hesitantly at that, a sigh resounding from under the orange hoodie. “Mrs. Finn said in health that people who say they're asexual are just dealing with like, trauma or whatever. We're all driven to make more people, so it makes no sense scientifically.”

Hugo silently counts to three in his head. “Have you ever been hurt?”

That finally picks his head up, glaring at his father again. “No!”

“Then clearly that's not true. Ca- Mrs. Finn is sadly misinformed.” And would be told as much, without directly mentioning Ernest. Seniority be damned, he was going to have words with the Board that's what it takes. He manages a small smile for Ernest. “If sex is only about reproduction, how do you account for gay people?”

“Gay people can still like- do what's necessary to make a kid.” Ernest waves a hand towards himself. “C'est voila, or whatever.”

Hugo snort-laughs at that, he does admire his son's wit even in serious moments. “Well, so can ace people. There's lots of ways to make a family.” Ernest merely grumbles in reply and looks away. “And- I know it really doesn't seem that way sometimes, but there's a lot more to relationships than the physical bits. They're important to some people, but not everyone, and not in the same way.”

Ernest stays resolutely silent, staring at a fraying movie poster on the wall. “You will find someone who loves you, mijo. It might take time, but you'll find them.”

“Yeah, when I'm finally old enough to join Virgin4Virgin dot net.” Ernest only slightly resists his dad's chastising ruffle of his hair, glancing down at the box of condoms with moderate disgust. “Can you throw those out and we pretend this never happened?”

“I'll put them in the bathroom cupboard. I'm not saying you will, but if you ever did want to be with someone that way-” Hugo tucks the box in his pocket as Ernest's pained groan cuts him off. “Listen, this could have been much worse. Before I went to my first party, your Abuela made me sit at the dining room table and wouldn't let me leave until I correctly put a condom on a banana.”

“You're lying,” Ernest replies blankly, only for his eyes to bug out at Hugo's unfailing stare. “You're serious? Oh my god, that's- I can't believe Abuela is capable of such savagery.”

“You don't know the half of it,” Hugo chuckles darkly, then carefully touches Ernest's shoulder. “Hey, I'm really glad you told me. I won't tell Pop, that's your conversation to have with him.”

“Thanks,” Ernest glances down, frowning and fidgeting in place. “Can I like, go now? I promised Carmensita I'd help her set up for open mic night.”

Hugo smiles stiffly, moving out of his son's way. “Yeah, you can go now. Text me when you're there, alright?”

Ernest makes a non-committal noise and hurries down the stairs, drawing the attention of Duchess. Hugo shuts the bedroom door behind him with a small sigh.

***

Carmensita's dad comes with the most fringe benefits by far. Not only are they allowed 'backstage' provided they help out and don't cause trouble (Ernest never has, something about how calm Mat is kinda intimidates him to be honest, it's the ones with the longest fuses that you have to watch out for), they get to enjoy the whole show for free and eat/drink anything leftover at the end of the night. Even if some of the acts are a little weird, it's still way cooler than sitting around watching TV.

“Hugo knows he's picking you up, right?” Lucien asks over the roof of his secondhand car, keys in his hand. “I've got plans after.”

Ernest grins wide. “Man, don't ask him out if you can't even say his name right.”

Lucien somewhat-gently shoves him as they cross the small parking lot. “Hey, have you ever heard about shut the hell up?”

He disappears into the crowd and Ernest soon finds Carmensita. He's been spending way more time with her lately. Girls aren't gross about sex like all his guy friends are now, making “that's what she said” jokes literally every five seconds. She's also one of the last vestiges of sanity in his grade, as off-put by the constant dating drama as he is. They sit in the back kitchen, chatting with the younger, more anxious performers and talking about 'Hamilton' between sets.

“I'm pretty sure I'm gonna listen to the cast album once a week for the rest of my life,” she says, cheek full of Right Said Banana Bread, or whatever it's called this week. “And I'm totally okay with that.”

“Oh, once a week minimum,” Ernest nods eagerly, leaning out to watch some college kid plunk away on an acoustic guitar. Bo-ring. “I would straight up sell my soul to write that good. Like, find me one lyric that doesn't land. One, I dare you.”

“It doesn't exist,” she concurs, picking a crumb out of her front braces. “Oh! You'll never guess who's finally putting out a new album!”

“Who?”

And on and on it goes. Even though the linoleum hurts his butt, chilling with Carmensita is his favourite part of the week. No fighting, no bullshit, just goofs and talking about whatever. She's basically the funniest person he knows, doing an impression of Damien that has him choking on his own spit. It makes him forget everything else. Well, almost.

Once everyone files out, they pick up their brooms and try to clean up quickly while Mat counts the money. He heads into the back to put a bank bag together and leaves them jamming to the music still playing over the speakers.

Ernest stops polishing the counter to the beat, his curiosity getting the best of him. “Hey, 'Sita?”

Carmensita glances up, still doing something between the mashed potato and the tootsie roll while sweeping, not in the least caring about the backlit glass storefront behind her. He wishes he were that cool. “Yeah?”

“Do you think asexuality's like, a thing?”

“Oh yeah, sure,” Carmensita replies, knocking a couple muffin wrappers from beneath a table like she's going for the slapshot. “Why?”

“Eh, no reason.” Ernest shrugs and keep polishing. “Just seems kinda weird to me, is all?”

“Not really though,” Carmensita pushes her pink glasses back up, tucking the broom under her arm to gesture. “It's like that thing in that Bruce Willis superhero movie. If there's someone at one end of the spectrum, there's gotta be someone else at the other end, plus all the people in the middle, right?”

Ernest makes a considering noise, pitching his scrubber into the sink. “Yeah, you're right.”

Mat returns and they lock up, Hugo's car humming in the empty street. Ernest fist-bumps Carmensita as she heads off with her dad. “We're still on for the fair next Saturday right? I'm retaking my skee ball title this year!”

“In your dreams,” she sticks her tongue out and waves to him. “Don't get grounded, okay?”

“I won't!” Ernest grins, turning and shuffling towards the hopefully not-awkward, air-conditioned comfort of his dad's car.

#sinunamor #dream daddy #ddadds #hugo vega #ernest hemingway vega #there's a smidge of vegamarch #dream daddy hc #kind of a fic

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acaseforpencils · 6 years ago

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Jason Chatfield.

Bio: I grew up in the far flung suburbs of Perth, in Western Australia, and used to spend my paper route money on MAD Magazines (I cheaped-out and stole my dentist’s waiting room issues of the New Yorker. I think I was the only kid who looked forward to going to the dentist).

I moved to New York in 2014 and started pitching to the mag in person. I’m not sure Bob liked me, so I went back to pitching via email. Then I went in on his last day and finally sold my first piece. I feel like it was his final f—k you to the magazine. “Here! Have a Chatfield!”

Find this print here!

The cartoon was a goofy play on Vlad the Impaler.

I didn’t sell to the magazine again until last month, but I’ve had a handful sold as dailies. And I’m published in MAD often, so they’ve clearly done away with any of their standards.

When I’m not drawing gag cartoons I write and draw a syndicated legacy strip called Ginger Meggs which I took over 10 years ago. It’s been around since 1921 and now appears daily in 34 countries. He’s kind of an Australian version of Dennis the Menace, except he predates him by about 30 years.

Tools of choice: For drawing/roughs, I use a Prismacolor Turquoise clutch pencil with a red lead and try to find some paper with a little bit of tooth. The mixed media pads at Blick do the trick nicely.

I ink using a Uni-ball Vision Elite Stick Roller Ball Pen… or a Pigma Micron 03.

DO NOT use the Uni-Ball Vision Rollerball Pens, Fine Point (0.7mm) if you’re traveling. They explode on planes. And ruin your copy of The New Yorker.

For a wash, I just use watercolor and whatever brush is lying around. Nothing fancy. There’s a scanning app on my phone called “Adobe Scan” which does a nice job of scanning line-art into a PDF when I’m out of the studio and need to email in a quick rough.

I use a Wacom Mobilestudio Pro for finished artwork. I like to get out of the studio and work from a bar or restaurant, so it helps that I can take that with me. I use a little glove that I got on Amazon so I don’t grease up the screen, and the felt-tip nib that comes in the pen-holder makes the friction between the stylus and the screen more like pencil on paper. Unfortunately, they’re not waterproof, as I found on a recent vacation…

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My wife plays piano and sings at bars around the city so I’ll often sit at the bar during her sets and draw. Digital/Traditional depends on what deadlines are most pressing. (She has a weekly residency in Astoria —if anyone’s interested in going, let me know!)

A lot of people email me for advice about tablets —I’ve been trialling/demo-ing Wacom products for 15 years— I think they’re great. If you’re married to doing stuff by hand but want to colour digitally, you can get a decent tablet without going broke. Depends on your workflow.

Writing Desk: My wife and I were living upstairs in 5A when my neighbour in 4B died. He was a brilliant poet and had an incredible old writing desk. It’s the only thing that was left in the apartment, so I’m looking after it ’til his grandson moves in at the end of our lease. I work for countless hours at this old thing. It’s beat up, but I’ve patched it together enough that it won’t collapse and bury me mid-brushstroke. I’ve stuck a few of my favourite toons on the top of it.

Tool I wish I could use better: My brain. It really is a sack of cats. Whenever I want to sit and do work, it clocks off. Then it comes up with a pearler of an idea at 3 in the morning when I’m trying to sleep. I write it down in my phone, but autocorrect makes it indecipherable by morning.

I like working with my writer friend, Scott. We both do comedy at night and have developed a nice short-hand. We also seem to have the same library of references and can build on each others’ premises, which tames my sack-of-cats.

Tool I wish existed: The Deadline Extender.® I’ve never missed a deadline, but that said… an extra 3 or 4 minutes to allow for a terrible wifi connection, or a errant scanner wouldn’t go astray.

Also: The Deadline Extender® PREMIUM: Let’s you go back in time to when you were procrastinating and slap yourself in the face. $30 p/month.

Tricks: Ok, well. This is going to sound a bit Dalton Trumbo, but bear with me: I do my best work…in the bath.The most productive 3 hours of my week are during Scotchbath Sunday; an immoveable chunk of time on Sunday evening whereby I lock myself in the bathroom, run a bath, lug my drawing stuff onto a bit of wood that sits over the bath, and just write and draw. Nothing else. I write weeks worth of my syndicated comic strip (Ginger Meggs), I write New Yorker cartoons, scribble up roughs for dailies— and when I feel like I’ve earned it (usually 2 hours in) I tap the side of the bath three times, and my wife peels herself from her piano and I unlock the door to a nice big glass of scotch. It’s a hell of a carrot on a stick to work towards when you’re stuck. (PS. Lest you think I’m some kind of Don Draper-era misogynist; the scotch reward part was her idea. I think she realized it keeps me in the bath and out of her way.)

Anyway. It’s a great way to switch gears creatively. It’s like being on an aeroplane. No wifi, no phones — just the work you need to get done. Get involved. #ScotchBathSunday.

Oh! And if I get my deadlines done for the week, I have a small budget for a solo lunch somewhere where I can eat cheese and draw. I really didn’t know cheese ’til I moved to America. (And yes, I’ve already been to Wisconsin. Good Lord.)

Tips? I always tell younger artists to not even think about touching a drawing tablet until they’ve learned to draw by hand first. Otherwise they’ll always be drawing away, knowing they have the insurance of the CTRL+Z key at their disposal if they screw up a line. That’s not a good habit to have when you’re working to a deadline. But, once you do know how to draw, by all means dive head-first into the digital realm. It’s incredible. Procreate, Sketchbook or Photoshop are all great.

Misc: One of the hangovers from working in advertising illustration is that I’ve had to be a bit of a chameleon style-wise for the last 15 years and haven’t allowed myself to just settle into one style. Lately, I’ve just decided to say “Bugger it!” and try and find a loose, consistent style that I’m comfortable with, that’s an apt conduit to my silly ideas.

I always loved George Booth’s line, and his ability to create a scene with so much movement but just at the right moment in time. Also Sam Gross’ dark, hilarious cartoons with perfect line-economy. And I’d give my left arm (I draw with my right) to know how Barry Blitt has so much control with his washes…

Chatfield’s portrait of Sam Gross

While I’m geeking out, I love seeing younger cartoonists find their feet and thrive in a style that just feels like they’re speaking to you— Ellis J. Rosen, Sofia Warren, Hilary Fitzgerald Campbell, Jason Katzenstein, Amy Kurzweil, and a seemingly endless list of talented younger artists who are putting in the work are a big inspiration.

I know it should be Steig or Thurber or Addams, but my favourite cartoonist is Sergio Aragones.

I was always so enamoured of MAD growing up and studied the lines of Jack Davis, Mort Drucker, Al Jaffee and the Usual Gang of Idiots. I remember being so frustrated I couldn’t even come close to getting my work to look like theirs, but I think I found a style somewhere in between when I fell short.

I think Wil McPhail’s poses are masterful, and I wish I knew how how the hell he did that. One day I’ll trudge up to England and knock on his door to ask him. I find myself doubled-over at John Cuneo’s Instagram, and Ed Steed’s absurdly funny gags. I have a slew of toons I’ve torn out of years’ worth of magazines and taped to my studio wall, or my zillion year-old writing desk. I’m constantly humbled by how generous and welcoming the existing crop of New Yorker cartoonists have been to a goofy Aussie immigrant — Joe Dator, Matt Diffee and Pat Byrnes, Mort Gerberg and an ever-growing list of prolific, talented cartoonists who make the 99% weekly rejection tolerable.

I’ve made some of my closest friends and have been lucky enough to meet my cartooning heroes through the National Cartoonists Society. I got to spend a lot of time with Sergio at the Lakes International Comic Art Festival in the UK last year which made my year. We were signing together for a whole afternoon and I spent more time geeking out with him than signing.

Okay. Enough drooling. Sorry.

I’m a fan of cartoonists.

Website, etc. I have a weekly podcast where I throw around ideas for New Yorker cartoons with a fellow comedian and writer, Scott Dooley. It’s called “Is There Something In This?” It’s a bit of fun. We don’t take ourselves too seriously, but we do take the art of writing gags very seriously. It’s an extremely difficult skill to master, and we’re virtually zygotes at it. We have lots of listeners now, which is bewildering. Talking about drawing is like dancing about architecture, but here we are. Anyway you can find it on iTunes or wherever you waste time listening to podcasts.

My website is jasonchatfield.com and my comedy stuff is up at jasonchatfieldcomedy.com ( I’ve been doing stand-up comedy for 11 years. If anyone wants to come see a show, hit me up! I’ll put you on the door). My instagram is @jasonchatfield. I’m still trolling the British chap who has the @jasonchatfield handle on Twitter to no avail. To that end, I’m @jason_chatfield on Twitter.

If you want more art supplies in your life, A Case for Pencils is on Instagram and Twitter. You can also find me, Jane (the person who created/edits this blog), on Twitter here, which is where I stick the paintings that I’ve been doing instead of interviewing people consistently (I needed to balance working on other people’s work and my own work!). Oh, and If you’d like to support this blog, which is always very appreciated, there are many different ways to do so, which you can find here!

#Jason chatfield #how to draw New Yorker cartoons #artists on tumblr #art supplies #drawing process #artist interview

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