#I feel like I SHOULD be a bit depressed | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

avirael · 3 months ago

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Confessions

It was almost like one of these dreams where you thought you were falling and woke up with a jolt. Rael’s scream and the image of A’viloh tilting forward over the edge and into the abyss - a falling sensation Rael themself had suddenly felt like it was their own - violently pulled them back from their horrible vision.

For the short moment it took to regain a sense for what was real and what was vision, Rael howled as if in pain, raising a hand to their mouth and almost falling to their knees.

Then, as they suddenly realised the imminent danger A’viloh was in, a shudder went through their body and their head shot up. As quick as Rael’s feet would allow it, the Viera jumped up and raced towards the place they had seen in their vision - hoping that it was not too late already.

Out of breath they reached the corner of the square from their vision only a few minutes later. Their burning lungs and muscles were nothing against the painful stab in their heart as Rael noticed that A’viloh was truly standing at the other side of the square. They had hoped the vision had all just been a strange imagination and not reality but there he stood, just like they had seen it.

The coldness crept back into their bones and a horrible feeling of helplessness threatened to make them freeze, while all of Rael’s thoughts only screamed one word. No!

Not sure what to do, with no idea how to prevent this disaster, how to convince A’viloh that he was wrong, Rael quickly moved closer. Loudly but in a soothing tone, though their voice was involuntarily shaking, Rael forced themself to speak up.

“A’vi…”

The Miqo’te at the edge of the plaza flinched and then slowly looked over his shoulder a little, as if the voice alone hadn’t been enough to tell him who was standing a few steps behind him.

“Rael?”, his thin voice asked and his face was covered in frozen tears. With a sudden wave of despair Rael realised they had no clue what to say. No idea how to fix him.

In their mind they already saw him falling...

No! No, this could not happen!

“What are you doing here?”, Rael asked as casually as possible, like there was a perfectly fine explanation for all of this.

For a second A’viloh seemed unsure, then he looked away.

“Nothing.”, he lied.

Rael decided not to point out this obvious lie and instead calmly asked, “It is cold, is it not? Should we maybe go somewhere else?”

But the Miqo’te remained silent. His ears stubbornly folded back, he avoided Rael’s gaze.

“Would you at least step away from the ledge a bit? Please, A’vi. Let us talk.”, Rael pleaded and offered a hand for him to take.

“About what?”, he asked with a strange voice, unusually serious for him. “There is nothing left to talk about…”

Rael could feel how they were slowly loosing him. But the right words didn’t want to appear in their mind. Only panicked yells and pleas.

“You cannot do this…”

“Why not?”, he asked sadly. “No one needs me anyway…”

“I need you, A’vi.”, Rael almost yelled.

But the Miqo’te shook his head and looked the other way again.

“No you don’t. I’m just a burden for you! This has to end before anyone else gets hurt…”

“None of this was your fault!”, Rael exclaimed, the despair all too audible in their voice.

A’viloh, with his back turned towards Rael, made a sound the Viera could not quite distinguish, a sound somewhere between a sharp laugh and a desperate sob. “Sure, keep telling yourself that. Quite a lot of horrible coincidences, don’t you think?…”

The way he said that made Rael angry. They knew that yelling at him probably would only make things worse but before they could stop themself the words were already out.

“You have got to be kidding me! You are such an idiot, A’vi! An idiot and a coward! Don’t you dare to tell me this is for other people‘s sake when in reality you are just too scared! Too scared of moving on and too scared of getting hurt again! You have not understood a single thing Haurchefant was trying to teach you. He wanted you to be happy, A’vi! Happy!! Do you honestly think he would want this? That any of the people you think you failed would want this? Are you too blind to see that their sacrifices were made so you could live? That they sacrificed their lives for you because they loved you? And now you egoistically want to throw your live away just because it hurts?!”

As a heavy silence settled around them, Rael already felt that this had been too much. With a new wave of tears welling up in his eyes A’viloh turned around and stared at Rael with a peculiar expression. A mixture of shame and anger for being called out like this but also hurt and a certain kind of stubbornness too.

“Maybe!”, he sobbed and finally admitted the truth. To Rael and to himself. “Yes, maybe I am scared! Maybe I am just a weak little coward! Excuse me for not being as clever and brave as you! But nothing you say will change that it’s not fair that they are dead and I am not! That whenever I look back all I can feel is the pain of what I lost. And it will also not change that I could never be happy knowing that all of this was my fault!”

Rael felt like they had messed this up entirely. Their eyes started to burn as they stepped closer reaching out for him. “I am sorry… A’vi… I did not mean…”

“No.”, A’viloh replied gloomily and was about to turn towards the ledge again. “I am sorry…”

“Wait!”, Rael suddenly yelled and then said something they had not expected to speak aloud themself.

“Haurchefant’s death was my fault, not yours!”

A’viloh froze.

This was Rael’s last chance, they knew this. Maybe A’viloh would hate them, maybe Rael’s magic would forever be lost if they broke this one rule. They did not know what would happen and they did not care. Not as long as it possibly could save A’viloh.

“I knew it would happen.”

“What?”, the Miqo’te muttered confused. “What do you mean?”

“It means that I lied to you.”, Rael admitted guiltily. “…and that we need to talk. Please, A’vi, step away from that ledge and let us talk.”

Visibly shaken by this confession A’viloh furrowed his brows. “No, you’re just trying to… Why would you lie to me?… I don’t understand any of this…”

With one last deep breath Rael finally revealed the truth. “I have visions of the future. I knew Haurchefant was in danger because I saw it. I saw it and I still failed to stop it. So instead of blaming yourself for his death, you should better blame me.”

Like a lost child A’viloh simply stood there entirely puzzled, like all of the sudden he found that nothing he believed made sense anymore and he didn’t know what to do or say next.

“Visions? Of the future?…”, he repeated as if these words lacked any meaning to him.

“This is why I knew you were here too.”, Rael confirmed as calmy as they could, while their heart was hammering in their chest. In a desperate attempt to convince him they stretched out a hand one more time. “Please, let me explain everything, A’vi…”

For a horribly long moment nothing happened at all. Everything was silent and motionless like frozen in time. Like fate had not quite decided yet which path it would choose.

Then hesitantly the Miqo’te made a step towards Rael and took their hand. Immediately he was pulled a few steps away from the cloudy abyss while Rael wrapped their arms around his body with a relieved sigh. A’viloh neither returned Rael’s embrace nor rejected it.

As Rael finally let go of him they looked him in the eyes and said, “I owe you an apology.”

“First of all you owe me an explanation.”, A’viloh replied blankly and Rael nodded in agreement.

Without letting go of his hand Rael talked for a long time while A’viloh just wordlessly listened. About how Rael had always heard the whispers of Golmore, about the visions that had led them on their journey, and finally about the omen they had seen but not taken serious enough before Haurchefant’s death. Rael did not try to justify their mistakes but at least they wanted to explain that their powers weren’t properly working anymore this far away from home and also why they hadn’t told him all of this a long time ago.

To Rael’s surprise there was no sign at all to signal they had broken the most sacred rule there was for the Viera. No sharp wind to bite them and no thunder striking down to punish them. Everything just felt the same as before. A’viloh on the other hand…

The thoughts racing in his head were plainly visible in his eyes. How his mind tried to make sense of all of this. “You mean you knew that all of this would happen before it even did?…”

“Not everything…”, Rael tried to correct him but A’viloh didn’t let them. There suddenly was something in his eyes, in his voice. Not exactly anger, but hurt? Disappointment?

“But you knew from the very beginning what kind of journey this was. That it would be dangerous and that people would get hurt. And you asked me to help you anyway…”

“Yes but -“

A’viloh’s ears folded back again and he almost hissed as he interrupted Rael.

“No! You knew all along that I don’t belong here. That I never belonged here. That I never wanted any of this! All I ever wanted-”

His voice broke off as he made another of these sounds that was half sob and half laugh.

Rael would be lying to themself if they said all of this had never occurred to them. Maybe they had just chosen to ignore it. But now that Rael thought about it, it made perfect sense. When they had seen him among the people of Silver Bazaar A’viloh had looked happy. As happy as Rael had rarely seen him at any other occasion. Had they possible demanded too much from him? Had he only tagged along for their sake when in reality all he wanted was to go back to a more peaceful life?

Rael didn’t know what to say. There was nothing they could say or do that would make him feel better. They just sadly looked at him as he shook his head and said, “I thought you were my friend…”

“But I am…”, Rael affirmed while also understanding how betrayed he probably felt.

“No.”, the Miqo’te said sharply. For another moment he looked at Rael, his expression full of disappointment. Then he turned around and walked away towards the lower parts of the city.

“Wait! A’vi!”, Rael called while fear rose up inside them again. “Where are you going?”

“Back to where I should have stayed before you talked me into all of this nonsense!”, he hissed without stopping or turning around.

Then he was gone and Rael was left alone.

They hated how hurt he had looked.

But they rather knew he hated them but was somewhere safe, instead of dead.