#I don't know why I'm like this. Especially for someone who likely has some chronic migraine they never bothered to check up

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

on the cusp of my inner child walking into the sunset to give my inner teenager a quick hive five and wave her into the matrix I will say that this used to be the song that I had looping in my head all the time today at the bunny store the owner was frustrated and I was hyperfocused on that energy whenever she was in the room like I expected her to tell me to get out or accuse me of something and then I heard the hum of my heart who wanted to give her something to be frustrated about and let me tell you I really do understand now why someone says proudly when their caretakers were mostly dysfunctional and lost "I raised myself" I raised my daughter and myself like I wished I had been raised like she and my soul were twins in a way so alike but also completely separate people now I recognize in my son where I may have misunderstood him especially with my autism and ADHD I did the best with what I knew but learning about how I process information and how I used to shut him down for things he couldn't help that I am now experiencing I'm only glad that I have time to be better I have time to bridge the distance that I know I feel and have created by not understanding and now that I understand I can do so much better my son and I are so alike and he has my eyes there's this gentle spirit to him he's so calm and quiet most of the time and even I project weird things that happen in my head onto him and he looks at me with such confusion when I do and I apologize profusely because I hate when that happens to me and I hate that I accidently do it to him a look that says "what the fuck? do you even know me?!" there's this furious spirit that shows up when anyone pushes him too far and buddy that spirit is going to win the last thing he wants is to be held when he's overstimulated and when he says he needs space alone he means it and when he's calmed himself he'll show up again and we'll talk when I fucked up and apologize I know he truly forgives me and I'm not used to being forgiven sometimes it felt like I was never forgiven but he trusts me and I know he knows I'm doing the best that I can but I'll still prove it to him that he's worth understanding and knowing not just being guessed at anyways, he's the better version of me he hasn't had to survive like me but he has had to endure the chronic misunderstanding and dissmissal of a way of experiencing and communicating to this world in a sensitive and interesting way he's teaching me what middle schoolers actually worry about when they aren't playing mortal hide and seek with dysfunctional family and it's help me understand myself a lot and where I've gone wrong sometimes but I'll fix it I'll fix it now it's time for me to meet who I was in high school and she doesn't want peace she wants justice and I need to learn how to blend all this together and keep some compromises and actually say what's on my heart even if someone tells me it's not real because I don't think I'm taking hostages anymore you're on the ship or you're walking the plank hope you can swim but here's a quick life preserver while you're in the water waiting for someone to float by her first idea would have been to burn the entire ship so like I said compromise I'm so tired lmao

can’t emphasize enough how when you grew up in a toxic environment, being in the room with someone who’s angry or frustrated - even if it has nothing to do with you - is absolutely terrifying cuz you’ve been 1000% conditioned to assume frustration = all hell is going to break lose and be aimed directly at you

[kyouka-supremacy]

My Akutagawa toxic trait is that I'll die of pain before willingly taking a painkiller

[orchidbreezefc]

ok. years have passed and we've had some distance, so i'm finally gonna take the leap of faith that tma fandom is finally ready to hear me on this. let's talk about tannins.

161 was the first tma episode i heard on early release, and i felt the bit where martin declines wine and cites tannins was pretty obvious in its implications. cool, got it, say no more.

imagine my surprise when i was one of maybe three people i saw read between the lines there, in a fandom famous for red stringing--a fandom that immediately caught the much less obvious thread of ignition sources in the same episode. i'll spell it out: alcohol is an issue for martin.

maybe it just felt obvious because addiction is a pet issue for me--as it is for jonny, who has said everything he writes is filtered through a lens of addiction. i don't know if that's due to his own experience or a loved one's, and i won't speculate; i also don't know if martin personally struggled with drinking or just avoids it for fear he would, but alcohol would fit what we know of his family. his dad walking out and his mum spiralling into bitter wallowing and verbal abuse? i'd bet one or both of them drank, yeah.

on a basic level martin tries to decline alcohol, and that alone should have raised eyebrows given what we know of martin and, again, a fandom that dissects everything. we already knew martin "K" blackwood lied about his personal life and his family in particular, especially pre-canon, which is when this flashback took place. i was shocked that everyone took his flimsy excuse at face value with no further questions.

and the excuse is flimsy. martin turns down wine by--nervously--exclaiming tannins are "a proven headache trigger!" which sounds like trivia from a magazine cover and not the words of someone who actually has headaches--and it hasn't come up before or since. jon, confused, points out that tea, a drink martin consumes to a degree that is memetic both in- and out-of-universe, also contains tannins, and martin squawks a panicked, "what?!"

if tannins are enough of a concern for martin that he knew they're in wine and so avoids it, why didn't he know they're in his drink of choice? why does he still drink tea at the time of canon, and why doesn't he struggle with constant headaches from consuming 'a proven headache trigger' day in and day out? why, indeed, would someone avoid wine and not tea?

when sasha insists martin drink he caves and agrees to 'just a drop'. i imagine him pouring it in a plant, which admittedly he could have done if tannins really were the issue. i will say that i, for one, would be less likely to falsely agree to something that makes me physically ill than to a private issue that i'd rather not be pressed on any further. this scene also establishes martin's birthday was an ice cream party instead of the more traditional visit to a pub.

also, this scene was in the first episode of the final season, as one of three flashbacks that could have been to any pre-canon event in the archives. prime narrative real estate. not really time one would waste on establishing the important character context that martin has... headaches. which never comes up before or after, even regarding the week he spent in spiral town. but you know what is pretty crucial character background...?

it felt like a no-brainer, and yet all i saw was h/c fluff about jon attending to martin's headaches. and i hate feeling bitter about disability representation. i want folks with chronic headaches to feel seen and have fluffy escapist fantasies. i don't want to be mad about people portraying a character with a disability. but, guys? you got the wrong disability. jonny sent a clear message, and it went over fandom's head.

[featherwurm]

I'm going to get a lot more personal on here than I usually do:

Baulder's Gate 3, and especially Karlach, make me feel seen in a way no price of media I've ever engaged with before has. It's a big reason why I love it and why it's sticking with me like it is. I too am a big, loud, enthusiastic woman who says out of pocket shit. I have a heavy internal dialogue with myself. I have a temper, I'm bisexual, I love cute shit. I endured years of being utterly touch starved. I love sex and food and being alive...

I also have cancer; it's Follicular B-Cell Lymphoma. I was diagnosed in 2020 when it had reached stage 3A. It's currently under control after chemo* and I'm living my life normally. But while it's a very treatable kind of cancer, it's not fully curable**. There's nothing in me they can remove (it's my whole lymphatic system that's broken) and no drug currently that can wholly knock it out. It's cause is not known (genetically or environmentally), and its unusual for this type of cancer to affect someone as young as I am (I was diagnosed at 35 - it's much more common 65+***). So every three months I go into oncology and they check my blood and symptoms and see if I'm doing ok. I get imaging and biopsies occasionally too. This will go on until I'm not ok (hopefully a long time yet). I'll have to have still manageable but more invasive treatment the next time around. It's a well researched kind of cancer, and my oncologist hopes that in the next decade there may be some more permanent cure for it.

So you can see where I'm going with this. When you hit Karlach's monologue after killing Gortash, I've never felt better understood. I have no one to blame for my condition, no revenge arc of course, but the very same fear, frustration, grief, and anger are all things my husband has heard from me. I've never seen a more beautiful and moving and real exploration of the topic that resonates with me so meaningfully out of a piece of fiction that I love. Béart's performance is amazing - capturing a whole spectrum of emotion.

Karlach's story is absolutely not incomplete as written, confirmed by both the devs and Sam Béart - a terminal condition is just that. You don't get to fix or save her, you get to go with her through tremendous trial and difficulty. If you want to continue that story in your mind that's great (I know I'm eager to do so, for my own personal encouragement if nothing else) but on it's own it's a whole story about coming to terms with something that doesn't have a quick and easy little fetch-quest resolution.

So - every time I see another whinging post/essay/bitchfest about how her story feels "unfinished" or "incomplete" or "has too much cut content" you can see why I might take it a bit personally - knowing that the life I have, the easy solutions I don't get, and the frustration and grief I live with is seen as incorrect and wrong and bad writing makes me a little pissed off. If you think the story is incomplete as told and think a 'third engine upgrade' is missing you completely missed the point.

Karlach doesn't get a simple easy ending because people like me**** don't get that either. And like my husband and the others who love me you can choose to follow that story anyway. And that's fucking beautiful.

*Yeah dealing with cancer and undergoing chemo during a pandemic was really a peach.

**XKCD hits the nail on the head here and here.

***Current treatments have good decade long prognoses... but saying 'you'll probably be fine for the next 10 years' is a lot different at 35 than it is at 65.

****And believe me I've heard from a lot of chronic/terminally ill folks who love the game for the way it represents these things and feel the same, with her Gale, and Shadowheart too.

[st0rmyskies]

What Your Favorite Link Says About You

A.k.a. The Links as tarot cards/your rising sign/your blood type.

Time

You're likely an older Zelda fan. Ibuprofen has become a food group for you. Anyone who thinks OoT isn't the greatest Zelda game has you clutching your pearls and tutting. Kids these days don't know how good they have it.

You are a person to whom young people come for advice, either in your career or in life in general. You're happy to give it, especially because you love to help, but on the inside you're silently screaming, What?? Why me???

You may have trouble sleeping through the night. Even if it's not every night, there are some where you just can't turn your brain off and worries or worst-case scenarios just keep playing and replaying ad nauseaum.

You enjoy time in solitude to appreciate the beauty of nature. I bet you know how to braid a mean daisy crown.

“The flow of time is always cruel...” - Some event in your life took your innocence from you, perhaps much too early. You grew up quickly because of it.

Legend

Either you had a crush on the emo kid in high school or you were the emo kid in high school.

You might be jaded by the world, but you still have a solid work ethic and a soft heart despite it all. Even if you hide it all beneath a healthy layer of sass.

You possess a multitude of skills, not all of which are related. Anytime a friend needs a piece of clothing mended or a picture frame hung on the wall or a leak in a faucet addressed, you have the tools and the willingness to help.

Either you have a history of moving frequently when you were young, or you have a restless spirit. You may never quite feel 'at home' in any given place.

"But, verily, it be the nature of dreams to end." - You’ve suffered a meaningful loss in your life and you have a hard time opening up again because of it. 

Hyrule

You root for the underdog, or perhaps you are the underdog. Any of those "against all odds" stories just hit you square in the chest.

Somewhat quiet by nature, you do vital work behind the scenes but you aren't the type to seek out a leadership position. Leave the limelight to somebody else, please.

You might sell yourself short when it comes to your skills and abilities, but you should believe in yourself, man! You can do it!!

You have a capricious streak in you that rears its head now and again. That smile can look sharp and devilish in the right light.

"It's dangerous to go alone!" - You either already have or are destined to find 'that one person' with whom you can open up and truly be yourself. 

Twilight

I'm willing to put money on the fact that Twilight Princess was your first Zelda game.

You have a strong sense of justice and get really bent out of shape when you encounter unfairness or flaw in the system, whatever that may be. You might be considered an outsider in some way because of this.

You're the friend who scoops spiders up in a cup and sets them outside. Live and let live.

You were the 'wolf kid' in middle school. Come on, those amazing tie dye shirts? Wolf Woman? Julie of the Wolves?? Even if you kept it inside, it was there in some way.

"Your current power would disgrace the proud green of the hero's tunic you wear." - You put a lot of stock in the opinions of others and hold yourself to a higher standard because of it. Sometimes that standard isn't achievable, though, so try to be kind to yourself. 

Sky

You, my friend, have a soft heart. You're generally a happy-go-lucky sort of person. You're likely to make excuses for those who've been mean to you in the past and come out as friends on the other side.

You're crafty, or at the very least good with your hands. You're the type to give someone a handmade gift rather than go buy something for them for their birthday, a holiday, etc.

You have a strong affinity for your friends. If anything bad were to happen to them, you'd turn violent at the drop of a hat.

You may have some level of chronic illness that affects you. Although you might do things in a different way or at your own pace, though, you still come out on top.

"You fight like no man or demon I have ever known." - You have the capability for great things. World-changing sorts of things. Don't give up!

Wild

You're some flavor of neurodivergent, if I had to guess I'd say ADHD. You have 42 tabs open in your brain at any given time and you have no idea which one the music is coming from.

You're an incredibly creative person, although you might have trouble finishing tasks/works-in-progress. Doesn't mean you didn't learn something along the way!

Rigid guidelines or deadlines stress you out. You'd rather be given a goal and decide for yourself when and how to get there. When you do have a deadline, you're a bit of a procrastinator.

Sometimes you don’t get the 'right' way to do things, but you carve your own path--although sometimes it's unorthodox--and get there in your own time.

"Courage need not be remembered, for it is never forgotten." - In spite of how your life changes you, for better or for worse, you have a driving inspiration or ethic or vocation that moves you forward at all costs.

Warriors

Those who don't know you well tend to boil you down to one or two trite traits. In reality, you contain multitudes. Most people couldn't handle all of you, not that they deserve to know even part of you.

You tend to lay it on thick--be that your charm, attitude, or whatever else your social shield might be--because you're hiding some deeper secret or insecurity at your core.

You're the mom friend or the planner in your group, or perhaps you're the oldest child. You’ll pass on an authority role if and when you can, but likely you’re still involved in some supervisory capacity in a given situation. 

You kill spiders with fire. Show NO mercy.

"You dare raise the blade of evil's bane to me? So be it. Hyrule's blood will be on your hands." - You have strong convictions and you aren't afraid to take risks, major risks, to do what you know to be right.

Four

Babe, if you ain't short, you've got short person energy. You scare me a little bit tbh.

You were praised for not being a problem child growing up, or for being very responsible at a young age.

You have a vivid imagination! You may have had an imaginary friend as a child or lived in your own little world altogether. I bet your notebook pages were strewn with little doodles in school.

You're a lover of information. If you could choose between an afternoon at the library or a movie matinee, it would be the former.

"Hanging around with you fools is dangerous for my health." - You're the snark friend, aren't you.  

Wind

You are extroverted to a fault. You need the company of others to recharge that social battery. The quintessential golden retriever friend.

You had active involvement in the music and theatre department. I'd be surprised if you weren't in at least one show in high school.

Having adventures is where it's at! You're a big fan of travel, either cross-country road trips or international flights. You could happily live out of a suitcase.

You tend to make friends easily wherever you go. If everyone in this classroom/workplace/bar doesn't know your name already, they will pretty quick.

"I have been waiting for you, boy... Do not betray my expectations.” - Against all odds, you've proven yourself to be worthy of great things. Screw what fate has in store! You're the type to take your own destiny by the 'nads.

[meo-eiru]

What's ur inspo for art? ur art style is so cute... any art advice?? Jajsjdkkaka, I understand if u wanna gatekeep 👁👁

I meant to answer this several days ago but couldn't find it in the sea of asks welp

Anyway as I mentioned before we don't gatekeep art related stuff in this household, artists help other artists.

Honestly it's hard to name an inspo but I do have artists I look up to a lot (this might be a bit long)

Kanisuke, you guys might be familiar with her, she's the artist of the upcoming yandere inside game Yandere Town. I know it's not out yet but I'm actually obsessed with this game and have even translated all the character intros (they are a bit old atp so there might be some mistakes) and actually if you see a Yandere Town related post high chance it's from me. Not only her art but I love her writing style as well.

Hakuri-sensei, their manga Sachi iro no One Room is definitely one of my biggest inspirations. I love the relationship between Sachi and her "captor" and it's the only manga I actually cried my eyes out while reading.

Tayu-sensei, all of their work for Yuugen Romantica (one of my fav drama cd series) are breathtaking and they've also developed even more since then, their current works are just so stunning and I love studying the way they draw hair

Shirahama-sensei, she👏is👏a👏queen👏 honestly I don't have much to say, go read Witch Hat Atelier it's an artistic masterpiece and a giant love letter to art itself

Furumi-sensei, another queen! She's the artist of my favorite Fate Grand Order character Ashiya Douman. I've even bough her art books before, honestly she is just so talented. I don't know what she was drinking when she came up with Douman but I need some of it

Usagi Routo-sense, another fgo artist AND JUST LOOK AT HOW INCREDIBLE THEY ARE AT USING COLORS LIKE??? HOW??? Their art is like cocain for my eyes I could look at them for hours

AU, one more fgo artist and oh my god guys this person right here is one of my biggest inspirations just look at their drawings. I'm not kidding I actually spent hours just inspecting how they shade outfits. I'd sacrifice my soul just to get a chance to watch them draw live

☝︎ FAN, an Ashiya Douman fanartist and god guys the comics they draw!!! They are the cause of some of my current biggest fetishes ngl

Oyo-sensei, an fgo artist and is also the main artist of 18trip. They have such a clean art style that's very pleasing to the eye. I especially love the reference sheets they draw.

Shibatora-sensei, she is the artist of my FAVORITE drama cd series Shinai naru Thanatos and my overall favorite yandere character from any fiction Seo Eito. Honestly if you know me irl probably the first thing you'd mention about me would be my chronic Shinai naru Thanatos addiction because based on what everyone says I start speaking about it within 2 weeks of meeting someone new.

ORKA, the artist of A Stepmother's Marchen. Anyone who knows that manhwa probably knows why she's on this list, her art has so much soul and passion in it, literally every single panel looks like a painting and it makes me want to cry just looking at it

82 Pigeon, an incredible incredible Korean artist, I think they also give art lessons? I really tried to get them but couldn't figure out how. They also have a youtube channel and I learn a lot just by watching their speedpaints

[littlest-bugz]

The Collective You

[one system's brief advice about accepting the idea of the collective you]

One of the best pieces of system advice started from a tumblr post and was elaborated by my DID specialist. I can't find the original tumblr post that started it, so I'm making a little post of my own <3 Share the knowledge. and also hope that someone can link the original post lol.

When I was REALLY going through it™ with my first diagnosis w/ DID, and a lack of integration, all of my alters felt like separate individuals, some of us feeling as distanced as a coworker or a stranger altogether. We were just getting a grasp on internal communication between all of our subsystems, and it was rough. We felt so entirely differentiated that we were our own people trapped in one body. While I don't really care about what language you use, all alters in CDDs are a part of one person [there's only one body and brain]- the collective you.

So obvs, I'm scrolling tumblr like the chronically online doomscroller that I am, and I see this post that goes along the line of not knowing who you are, but knowing you are 'you', regardless of who you are [referring to alters]. And it said something like "we're all me enough to pick up our meds"- something like that. iirc it was a half light hearted, half advice post, but that was really good advice for me. I kind of internalized it after I processed it in therapy. It's actually why I have started to love parts language lately tbh.

After further processing this idea in therapy, Identity Confusion stopped mattering in the grand scheme of things. I focused less on worrying about who I was, and just focused on the fact that I'm me. Just like the post I saw- We are all me. The example of all being me enough to pick up my medications just applied, like, everywhere. Even when it came down to the smallest things- with coping with other symptoms too.

Oh? I don't like coffee right now? I guess I should switch to something else. [differentiated alters]

Oh? I have barely any drawing skills right now? Okay, really sucks but I can work on something else and come back to it later. [skill variance between alters]

Oh? I have to go to a doctor's appointment? I know I'll forget that- Gotta write a list, and put it up on the board so I remember. [day to day amnesia]

You know what happened? My dissociation got better! Not immediately or entirely, obviously, and my memory [re amnesia] still sucks, but that's part of the disorder- plus other disorders that I have. This idea of the collective you is something that I think is really beneficial to all CDD systems, especially during the mid to later stages of recovery.

I, admittedly, credit most of my healing to conversations I have had with my DID specialist. Especially since, without her, I wouldn't have been able to process this idea of the collective me further, but the conversation wouldn't have been started if I hadn't seen that post on tumblr. This was a budding concept with us due to the separation we had. It helped with integration. GRANTED... Not every alter got the memo, obviously, but It's something that I'm still working on. Of course, being me comes with the prerequisite that I am a person with DID, and that I am made up of multiple parts.

Now for the piece of advice I got from my therapist- Though it requires a certain level of knowledge of your own system, such as a list of alters and some identifying info [fav drinks, fav colors, those type of things]. Look at the list of your alters wherever it may be. Just whatever you use for logging your system members. Look for the commonalities between alters. There will be at least some commonalities.

For example; A good 45% of us like bunnies, 45% like cats, and 10% have a liking for other kinds of animals. Using this information, I can pretty much deduce that 1. the collective me loves animals and 2. the collective me likes cats and bunnies especially.

Another example; I looked through our simplyplural, which has a favorite color thing [in ours at least]. By looking through the list, I figured out 1. wow I like literally all colors- my fav color is rainbows and 2. I especially like pink and light blue.

More examples; the list.. THE LIST... I looked through it and saw that a good 90% of us like MONSTER ENERGY DRINKS- of varying flavors, but the common denominator was Ultra Strawberry Dreams, but all of us like [or tolerate] water as a preferred drink. From there I can come to the conclusion that I prefer water over anything else and that I have a problem with monster [being light hearted but I genuinely do].

I hope you get the idea I'm going for. I used this process for nearly every aspect of our collective identity, though some had to genuinely be voted on, such as our LGBTQIA+ labels [offline, we just call ourself queer, but that's.. aside the point LMAO].

Obviously, there are going to be outliers- Having DID comes with the fun [/s] aspect of alters being differentiated from each other in some capacity. Example for the monster energy one- We have a handful of alters that HATE energy drinks- even just fizzy drinks in general. There's one guy who will only drink Black Coffee and water- nothing else. He's the guy who is always hiding away our monsters in the way back of the fridge, but guess what!! He's me!! The part of me that doesn't want me to ruin my health over energy drinks. The part of me that knows I deserve better than my unhealthy habits.

Getting to know the collective you is just like learning about your system! It is not inherently different than figuring out what an alters dislikes or likes are. The idea of The Collective You shouldn't feel scary or anxiety inducing- if it is, you may want to confront those feelings with a therapist if you have access to one. Every CDD system is the collective [or, well, system] of one fragmented individual- That is a studied and objective fact. I wanted to give advice from one recovering system to another.

No, this will not work for everyone, every system is different, but I'm hoping this post finds the right audience in knowing that it's worth a shot to try this!

[koysiini-keinumaan]

Disabled Access + Queueing

Since there has been a concerning amount of ableism coming from fans this Eurotour, I want to explain how venue access works in the UK (especially since I will be having it for my next gig after Medical Issues™ at London).

UK venues, by law, have to provide reasonable accommodations for their disabled guests. This is typically seated tickets, or a dedicated area or balcony with step-free access for those with mobility needs, especially those in wheelchairs or scooters. However many venues, including several on the UK leg of Käärijä's 2024 tour such as Heaven in London and Chalk in Brighton, have extremely limited tickets for these dedicated disabled spaces, so reasonable accommodations are provided in other ways - most commonly with early access into the venue and priority for barricade.

1) Why someone would need early access to the venue?

Needing assistance to get from the doors into the main venue area, including if you need someone to navigate an alternative route such as finding a lift or ramp.

Avoiding the rush of people entering at doors, especially if fans are likely to run/push to get barricade, for your safety.

Being unable to stand for a long time in a queue when lining up for doors.

Needing to access a specific area of the venue, whether this be a dedicated space for disabled guests or a place at barricade.

2) Surely if you're able to stand at barricade, you'd be able to stand where-ever? Other than the view, what do you get at barricade that you don't get elsewhere?

Barricade provides something to physically support yourself against that you likely won't find elsewhere in the venue. This can both be for fans who need to use a support at all times, such as those with chronic pain or mobility needs, or for those whose disability means they are particularly liable to collapse/faint/become otherwise weak or unable to support themselves who would need something to lean against in case that happens (such as yours truly, who had a cataplectic attack at London 1 and had to be dragged through the crowd by friends to reach a wall).

Barricade places you directly in front of staff. If something does happen you will be seen straight away and do not have to worry about flagging someone down.

Barricade provides a clear space directly in front of the stage to leave through. Some venues have barricades than can be moved/opened, some do not. But it is still easier to get someone out of a gig that way than by trying to make a path through a crowd who is unlikely to hear/take notice of instructions.

3) But isn't that unfair on the people who queued up for barricade?

Perhaps. Perhaps not. But ultimately, venues are not beholden to fan-made queues. If they have their own policies in place - which are usually dictated by UK laws - they will follow said policies. If you need to know if there is disability access, contact venues ahead of time like disabled fans do.

At the end of the day, a non-disabled fan can choose to arrive hours or even days ahead of a gig for a good spot, but a disabled fan cannot choose their disability.

4) I'm running the queue and I'd happily give a disabled person a higher number in the queue if they told me about their condition.

Good for you. Not everyone would though. Plus, you are probably a stranger and disabled people don't owe you shit in terms of disclosure.

Also, see question 3.

5) If someone is *that* disabled, surely they should just stay at the back of the venue/not go to a concert.

Says who? Disabled fans should be allowed to have the same experience as everyone else at a gig without compromising their safety/wellbeing.

6) I'm not angry at disabled fans, just at the lack of communication from the venue.

If that's the case, don't take it out on disabled fans. Don't question their disability, don't accuse them of 'not being that disabled' and don't tell them that if it were that bad they should go to the back of the venue. Yes, these are all things people have been told this Eurotour (mostly at London 1 and one instance (that I know of) at Bristol).

Also, see question 3.

7) But I wanted barricade.

And I wanted a working body but we can't all get what we want. If you can only enjoy a gig by getting barricade and second row is that much of an issue for you, that is a you problem, not a disabled people problem.

It is so horrible talking with other disabled fans and hearing the horrible ableist treatment some of them have been subjected to. It was nice to see that ableism surrounding queueing/disability access was called out more than last year, but it shouldn't need talking about at all. Hopefully that will improve in the future.

[ponytarot]

pick a pony - what you need to know (tarot reading)

pony 1

if you picked pony 1 , you may be consistently paranoid in your relationships/friendships , almost like someone is lying to you constantly ... even when this isn't really true . i can't say out right you are lying as well , but it feels like ... due to this constant paranoia ... you also hide things or explicitly try to act like something you're not ... this has an inverse effect . you lie and hide things because you're paranoid , which fuels the idea someone is also lying to you . be more open to share things about yourself , or be yourself in general . you will find your relationships to be much more meaningful and less anxiety inducing .

song - birds of a feather by billie eilish

pony 2

you may find yourself in a situation where you're able to get some legit payback ... a very heehheehe petty moment (genuinely the only way i can describe it) listen , i'm not gonna tell you what to do or how to do it ... because this petty moment seems acceptable ... but don't be shocked when you get a bad reaction . this person you're trolling a lil' is very upfront and aggressive , if you back down , they win . do you REALLY want them to win ? i think not (i know i don't) .

song - bullet with butterfly wings by the smashing pumpkins

pony 3

i've notice a lot of people , especially clients i have in-person , struggle with feeling they need to "act" a certain way . you may also struggle with this , maybe you're young , this is ok . fuck being judged ! i'm chronically afraid of being judged , i do tarot in a bible-belt small town ... and it was the best decision i've ever made . i get nasty looks and comments , i've been kicked out of places while being a vendor , JUST because of complaints of me being a tarot reader . FUCK THAT ! you will be judged regardless of what you do , why not do it while being happy ? you will be depressed , you will be sad , you will have poor reactions to big personality changes or sometimes just because people don't align with each other ... that's not your fault . if your only fault is being yourself ... whose really the problem ? because it's not you . be different every single day , experiment with yourself , and things you like . the only person who REALLY cares is YOU . that's ok . care a ton , care too much , care too little , it's who you are .

song - dont forget em' (remix) by consequence and kanye west

[808airsoftbros]

Yujin's Wake Up Call

Author: This is a simple short story nothing too special and something that came to my mind that I want to write. If you want to see more of my stories check out my Masterlist.

Author's POV

It was another busy day at Starship, the IVE girls recently returned from their world tour and they were indeed exhausted after travelling the world for the past several months.

Yujin especially was tired along with the girls but she was disheartened when she heard that they would be visiting a patient with cancer as part of the wish foundation.

"Can you girls go for me? I'm too tired," Yujin asked and Gaeul rolled her eyes.

"Are you serious, Yujin? I get that you're tired from travelling the world but our manager says will be getting a whole month break afterward and we can do whatever we want from there," Gaeul pointed out and Yujin groaned.

"Yeah, and also our fans mean alot to us, and what about you?" Rei asked and Yujin scoffed.

"What are you on about? I'm only being nice because I have to and I hate that I have to be fake!" Yujin complained and Gaeul shook her head in disappointment.

Sadly, Yujin can be lazy at times, she'd be often caught slacking in dance practices when off camera, and you can bet every dollar that she tried every excuse you could think of to get out of her work.

This would annoy her members especially Gaeul and they'd always be fighting and arguing with one another.

"Yujin, do not start this shit again... We've been over this how many God damn times already?! When are you ever going to change?!" Gaeul angrily asked and Yujin rolled her eyes.

"When management doesn't constantly make us work to death," She answered spitefully.

"Well, if you do not behave, Ms. An Yujin, you will be one sorry woman, do you hear me?" Gaeul coldly warned but Yujin shrugged it off.

Because of how she always tends to act, the crew and management, and even her own members don't like nor respect her, but she doesn't seem to care.

Yujin also tends to have bad habits of drinking and smoking too much and Gaeul always catches her vaping when she's not supposed to.

Wonyoung and Yujin's friendship began deteriorating as she was fed up with her antics and was disheartened to see her friend changing for the worse.

One quiet night, Yujin snuck out of the dorm without waking up the girls and sat on a bench to smoke and drink.

It was quite foggy and there were hardly any noises to be heard besides the slight sounds of the breeze which was perfect for her.

"Perfect. No one to bother me," Yujin muttered as she takes a sip of soju.

"Excuse me," She heard a feminine voice asked and she turned to see a unfamiliar woman.

Yujin jumped in surprise as she didn't notice the woman approaching her.

"W-what do you want?" She nervously asked.

"Oh, sorry for startling you, it's quite a foggy night is it?" She kindly asked.

"I guess you can say that..." Yujin muttered to her and took a puff from her pod.

"Shouldn't idols be limiting how much they drink and smoke?" The woman asked as she sat down next to her.

"Why is it your business?" She snarled and the woman frowned.

Seeing Yujin's attitude, the woman just stared at her intently and then gave her a cold demeanor.

"I'll tell you why you're here... It's because you're lazy, useless, and a pathetic excuse of an idol," The woman coldly said and Yujin was taken aback.

"Who the fuck are you to judge me?! I can't help but get overwhelmed sometimes! Maybe if you were an idol then you'd understand!" Yujin retorts and the woman shook her head.

"Tsk. Overwhelmed? Only because you just have to visit a special patient? Is that your only excuse? As someone who has a chronic heart condition, you disgust me," The woman angrily replied and Yujin was now lost for words trying to come up with the words.

"I-" She was about to say but was cut off.

"Shut it! Did you know I was once an idol like you? I couldn't practice or sing on some days but I still give it my all! Unlike you, who has a management who at least cares for you and would get you the help you need... My management never cared for me, if they don't see me as efficient... Poof, they will simply get rid of me like I'm sort of a piece of garbage meant to be disposed of," The woman explained her story and Yujin gulped in fear.

"Every day I have to work through excruciating pain! The only person who ever cared for me was the custodian who works here, and I have to keep working no matter what just to survive, and here I see a spoiled rotten you always coming up with excuses just to get out of work! You leave me speechless... Do you have any idea how lucky you are?" The woman coldly asked with a tear shedding from her eye and Yujin tried to shrug off the feeling of guilt but no matter how hard she tried... It lingered inside of her but she refused to show it.

"There are many other idols left forgotten in the winds of time and talents wasted, they would give anything to be in your position yet you couldn't care less... It's pitiful," She finished and Yujin was boiling deep inside.

"And who the hell are you?!" Yujin asked her and the woman grinned.

"Consider me your wake up call, An Yujin, I hope one day you realize the error of your ways... Goodnight," The woman bid goodbye and got up from the bench.

Yujin watched as the mysterious woman walked into the fog and vanished out of sight.

After that, Yujin was left angry and confused, she wondered who the woman was as she had never met or heard of her. She quickly concludes her drinking and smoking session and goes back inside the building.

When she got into the corridor she finds the janitor Jake sweep mopping the floor.

"Hey, Jake!" Yujin called out and he paused.

"Yes?" Jake replied and Yujin sighs.

"Do you happen to know a woman who was an idol here? She claims to have a heart condition but... I don't know she's making it up or not to trick me into making me feel bad," She asked and Jake frowned before looking down.

Jake goes into his pocket pulling out a picture of the very same woman that Yujin encountered earlier and her eyes widened in surprise.

"Is this the woman you're referring to?" Jake asked as he showed the photo.

"Y-yes, that's her alright, who is she?" She curiously asked and he deeply sighed.

"Her name is Jennifer Jung, she was once a trainee here, she was also the sister of Jessica and Krystal Jung, but she had a severe and chronic heart condition... I tried my best to help her when management wasn't looking but it wasn't enough, she perished five months into her training," He explained the story and sighed once more.

Yujin froze in terror and shivers were sent down her spine as she could hardly believe that she was talking to the spirit of Jennifer this whole time.

She didn't know what to make of it but Jake didn't see her as a crazy person and he already figured she saw Jennifer. Yujin returns to her dorm and Jake continues his janitorial duties.

After that night, Yujin was a changed woman much to everyone's surprise, she eventually quit smoking and stopped drinking as much, although she mostly kept to herself, she stopped complaining and followed their schedules.

Yujin and the girls visited the hospital patient without issues or trouble much to management's delight and they were happy they were able to deliver someone's last dying wish.

Sometimes Yujin felt the urge to return to her old habits but refused and kept going no matter what. Yujin would never forget that encounter that night.

She never saw Jennifer again but on some foggy nights, she felt her presence was near but never again would she take anything for granted.

[allthegothihopgirls]

just finished reading death in the family properly and. whoo the racist undertones are racist undertoning. but uh. wanted to say that i cannot understand why people hated jason back then because like. he’s just a kid. he’s a KID. shaking 80s fans by the shoulders he’s a CHILD. he’s not gonna be a mature adult he’s gonna be a little weird and a little annoying even!! but he is a KID.

also wanted to ask your opinions on the jason has chronic pain headcanon? i personally as someone w chronic pain really enjoy it because it makes sense and i am a firm believer that we need more representation of invisible disabilities like some chronic pain is (and mine is) but ive heard a few people say they don’t like it

— baptism anon

right?? like yeah i think jason dying was the most beneficial thing to ever happen to his character, and he also had next-to-no defining traits as robin apart from being a dick grayson carbon-copy + replacement... but i don't get why people hated him.

~

jason w/ chronic pain!!!!!! oh boy i have feelings about him... i LOVE.

especially when it's death-induced.. a bit like phantom feeling/pain, but instead it is. very. real. like, he has chronic joint pain in places where joker hit him a few too many times etc. personally i reject the 'lazarus pit made him squeaky clean' canon, so on top of him keeping all his scars, and being more frankenstein than man.. chronic pain fits in very well.

i also definitely enjoy headcanons of him with chronic migraines.. not because i'm projecting.

i think it's a pretty agreed-upon headcanon that jason isn't a fan of medication in the slightest, due to his mother's death (only making exceptions when he's sustained more than a minor injury on patrol or a mission and is being tended to).

so i propose, stubborn jason w/ chronic migraines, who will never admit to needing actual medication. obviously he isn't going to be stupid about it, he won't patrol if it's too bad, and maybe tries to ward it off with some regular ibuprofen. but he is so against being properly medicated for prevention or treatment, and gets super defensive if dick or bruce suggest it to him.

he's always in varying levels of head hurt™ and just. lives with it. in the comfort of his own apartment he's definitely not a stranger to herbal teas and heat packs though.. however at the same time he's 100% beating himself up whenever he can't just power through.

i don't think he'd actively tell anyone either. dick figures it out from the way he'll rub at his temples post-patrol, or maybe a couple of unclosed search tabs on a computer 'whydoesmyheadalwayshurt' or 'home remedies: how to naturally prevent migraines'

for bruce finding out i have a bit more of a developed idea. jason's gone out patrolling with a migraine, against his better judgement. he's on comms with bruce, who's getting his assistance on a case he's been tracking. seemingly out of nowhere he hisses a little in pain, and bruce is asking what's wrong.

jason grows defensive quickly and spurts out a routine "imfinedontworry" but was apparently not convincing enough because before he knows it bruce is asking "status?" ..and he swears there's a microchip in him somewhere that forces him to give a truthful answer, because it's not like he wants to tell bruce his head's hurting, because that's just plain embarrassing. he doesn't want people thinking that he can't handle pain that miniscule.

between that and the other times he's been asked "red hood, report" and stated his condition, adding on a "head hurts a bit too, but that's just normal".. it wasn't difficult for bruce to suspect something unusual.

moving away from migraines, i think he also experiences chronic joint pain. compared to the previously mentioned, it's easier to play joint pain off as 'normal' and convince himself there's no cause for concern. he's 100% in denial of having an actual issue, which i'd like to think somewhat comes from bruce experiencing the exact same thing, and jason watching him absolutely refuse to admit any weakness it causes him.

he ends up believing it's just something that happens to everyone (well, at least everyone who dresses up and fights crime on the regular). jason's confused when dick's asking him if he wants to stick around for a chat post-patrol, because is dick not also desperate to go home, ice his joints, and spend time doing stretches to ease his pain before finally getting some sleep?????

i don't think he'd realise that it isn't a normal thing until he's called out on it. maybe he makes an off-comment about 'never feeling 75%, let alone 100%' comfort-wise, and damian remarks how that is. an issue. jason's instantly defending himself "yeah well that's just what happens when you've been in the business for this long-" and dick chimes in to point out that he doesn't feel like that. from there i think he goes to an even larger effort to hide any pain he's in.

big believer in jason being a cane user too. i think babs is the one who convinces him to start using one, after the events of this panel ↓ ↓ ↓ 

you cannot tell me that she's letting that comment slide: "that book looked... useful" plus "i don't think i've ever been okay", ok jason mr 'i really resonated with this and now i'm having revelations' todd.

she's 100% sitting his ass down for a real talk about whatever he has going on.

and i think afterwards, babs suggests that he really considers mobility aids. to which i think he ends up being very accidentally ableist, in the 'but those are for old people' way. it takes... a lot to reverse his somewhat internalised ableism, and get him to at least try a mobility aid out.

he grows less opposed to it as he realises that it's not something he's obligated to use all the time, and that it works. so he uses a cane around his apartment, and around the manor when he gets to be confident enough (he's a bit worried of people asking questions, but no one even bats an eye, because it just makes sense).

i have a whole other set of thoughts about the batfamily + how they go about jason using a cane... but i think i've gone on for long enough.. my apologies

in conclusion... chronic pain!jason todd is a HUGE headcanon of mine. love it a lot.

[olderthannetfic]

This is a rant that is going to end in a question that I genuinely want the answer to.

I've recently seen (in the past year or so) an uptick in people online using the word "delusional" casually or as an insult. Worse even than that, "delulu" which I believe originated on Tiktok or Twitter (likely places for ableism to come from, yeah, fork found in kitchen etc etc). The only people I really see calling this behavior out are, you guessed it, actually delusional or psychotic people.

Typically it's thrown around to describe someone's "weird" or "chronically online" beliefs. Like using it to talk about reality shifters or RPF shippers who think their ship is actually together or etc. And, like, while I don't disagree that spiritual psychosis or "the belief that someone is sending me signals via social media" are real actual delusional behaviors/can lead to actual delusions, I really don't think that believing you can shift to Hogwarts to see Draco or that you have a mental connection to the Stranger Things universe or that Taylor Swift is queer and flagging via music videos really fits the criteria for spiritual psychosis or erotomania or what have you *in itself* - meaning if you live an otherwise normal life and only get out of touch with reality when you're on #MaraudersTok or r/LarryStylinson, you're likely not delusional, or at least not delusional enough for it to impact your functionality.

So, that begs the question, WHY? Why use delusional to describe stupid chronically online drama? Like, I'm being genuine, I truly do want to know why. Are these people misusing/misunderstanding what the word delusional means? Are they armchair diagnosing? Do they think these people are actually experiencing psychosis, and if so, why are they using said diagnosis as an insult or as part of their moral flaws? Why are they so bothered and obsessed with someone else's "delusion", especially when the delusion in question isn't hurting them and is just a stupid thing like thinking that some random celeb is about to hard launch their coming out or that they can teleport to a fictional world?

(also, PLEASE, I know it sounds like I have specific beef with shifters or gay rpf truthers, I DON'T, nor am i necessarily 'defending' these communities, 'cuz i know they do have actual issues outside of just being cringe or whatever. I don't want gaylor shift malfoy snapewives discourse, i want "why are you using a psychotic disorder to describe these fringe fandom communities" discourse, and in the circles i run in that's just the type of people who are described as delusional the most - I know that the overall issue runs much deeper, I just figured Id ask a fandom blog why the word is so prevelant in fandoms, especially in specific "types" of fandoms)

Like, I'm not looking for an argument of "it's ok to use delusional so casually" or "yeah i agree it's so fucked up that people throw that word around :/" all i want is an honest and concise answer of WHY delusional has become the Hot New Armchair Diagnosis For Weird People On TikTok or whatever.

--

Lots of words get used with a colloquial definition and people aren't really thinking about their technical meaning.

K-pop fandom. Blame them.

[celestie0]

binge read kickoff and I’m sooooo obsessed with it. >.< manifesting someone like Satoru. This might seem dumb but I’m just curious to know what satoru’s friends (Suguru, nanami etc) think of reader?

but anywayyy, thank you for this amazing story and have a great day! :)

hiiii my darling omg i'm so happy you've enjoyed kickoff so far!! it means sm to me :''')

omg not dumb at all i would love to answer this!! i think i answered a similar question to this before but i can't remember what i said xD so we'll start fresh haha i mean it's been a while anyway

suguru: oh yes i also got an ask that was wondering if kickoff suguru has feelings for reader or was romantically interested in her since he seems to be a lil flirty sometimes haha but no i think he's just naturally flirty LOL. he's definitely aware of gojo's feelings for her even tho gojo never told him that or anything, i'd like to think he knew gojo had feelings before even gojo knew SDKJFHSDKJF. but yea anywho he def thinks reader is cool n is kinda different from the girls he's used to seeing in gojo's company n i think that's also why he's intrigued by her bc he's like what's up w this girl that she's got my best friend glancing over at the sidelines every two seconds during practice LMFAO. tbh i can see kickoff suguru n kickoff reader being really great friends, they kinda have similar personalities :)

nanami: he has hella respect for her because he likes people who have a craft or a skill that they're passionate about lol. especially if it's something niche, so he thinks that reader knowing a lot about photography n has really fancy cameras etc is really cool. he's mostly indifferent/disinterested in what she has to do w gojo, he doesn't really care about their status of are they friends? are they dating? sorts of stuff, but i'd like to think he pulls her aside sometimes to ask her questions about her camera specs just cause he wants to learn more about it

choso: pls kickoff choso is soooooooo go with the flow, two braincells, smooth brained, slightly grumpy, chronically tired but very sweet hearted in my head. tbh i don't even think he knows reader's name n i'm p sure he's mistaken her as being three different people bc he just cannot cognitively retain faces for the life of him LMFAO. yea he was mostly indifferent n i'm ngl reader was probs invisible to him for the most part BUT when he saw her slap the shit out of ren at the bar he was like :0 god damn that girl's sick. and now his interest has been piqued n he’s like 80% sure he knows her name now. omg i feel like kickoff choso n reader would not get along for some reason skdfhsdflk choso's nonchalant cynicism would clash w reader's anxious optimism

other players on the team: they all are just really hoping that she's getting their good angles when she's takin her snapshots HAHAH. i'd like to think some of them be mewing on the field 💀💀

coach yaga: “STOP DISTRACTING MY STAR PLAYER!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED HIS EYES ON THE BALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

LOL hope this answers bb <3

[virtualcarrot]

[KKIR] Not!fic wherein someone has an itch to scratch but the nature of that itch causes misunderstandings

Kakashi hadn't quite realized, before becoming Hokage, the full extent of paperwork involved. Files keep landing on his desk no matter how many he sends away, in a never ending dance that he'd very much like a break from.

Which is why, when Shikamaru walks back with the folder he was supposed to have gone and filed, Kakashi furrows his brows.

"I thought we were done with that."

For someone so unflappable, Shikamaru looks unusually flushed.

"We are," he replies with something tense at the back of his voice.

"Then why's it still here?"

"Ah. It's no bother, I'll file it later."

Shikamaru must be really out of sorts if he thinks Kakashi will buy that excuse, especially from someone commonly known to think everything is, in fact, some form of bothersome.

Kakashi steeples his fingers and leans back in his seat, eyes deceptively mild. He waits.

It doesn't take long.

"The filing room is… occupied," Shikamaru says slowly, shifting his weight.

"I'm sure it's big enough that you can still maneuver around the cabinets."

"No you don't--It's. Iruka-sensei was there, and he sounded… busy."

Kakashi frowns. "Iruka-sensei's a professional. He wouldn't stop you from doing your job."

"That's not--Iruka-sensei was busy. With someone else."

Kakashi blinks. "So wha--oh. Oh." He clears his throat. "Are you sure?" he asks, because it's very out of character.

But what does he know, after all. Are they even friends, when Iruka keeps shying from his touch and avoids holding his gaze and flushes in discomfort whenever they're too long together in the same room? Probably not.

"I didn't see anything but the noises were… Yeah." Shikamaru trails off awkwardly.

No point wasting more time on this, then. It's not like Kakashi doesn't have other things to do. He's a busy man.

He stands up and holds out his hand.

"I'll file it."

-

"To the left, press th--nghhh, fuck," Iruka's voice grunts from inside.

It's breathless and a little pained and ends up on a cut off groan. Kakashi goes still as a statue, feeling himself shrivel on the inside.

"I'm done," a woman's voice asks from the inside. "You good?"

"Yeah, I'm good," Iruka replies, not entirely relaxed.

"You sure? You don't sound like it. I can keep going if you want."

There's movement, the shift of a chair or a table, the heavy rustling of shinobi gear. The voices move about the room.

"Nah. I don't want to impose more."

"It's not like it's a hardship," she says, closer to the door. "I mean, the view isn't bad."

"A-hah," Iruka says wrily.

"No but really, you can't go on like this. Go see a PT."

The handle turns.

"What, so they can suspend me? No wa--Kakashi-san!"

"Hokage-sama!"

The two chuunin screech to a halt, bumping into each other with a badly hidden wince from Iruka. His clothes aren't quite rumpled but his chuunin vest is open, and fine loose hairs fall over his headband.

Kakashi gives them an awkward little wave.

"Hi."

-

(follows a comedy of double speak, pining, a long-suffering coworker/friend who was just lending a hand and wants nothing to do with the whole drama, and culminates in workaholic Umino Getting-A-Hugeass-Fuma-Shuriken-To-The-Back-Has-Consequences Iruka finally going to a physio over ten years after the fact)

(you'll pry chronic backpain Iruka from my dead, dead hands)

[cripplecharacters]

Hi! I have a character that has a slight limp due to injury, Im not sure if it counts as a disability or if this is the correct place to ask since what I find online differs a lot, but I figured it wasn’t wrong to ask. I’d like to know if there’s some advice from someone with personal experience. I know it depends on many factors, like the type of injury, the severity, etc. But I think all kind of input would be nice! I’m specially interested in difficulties people don’t usually consider (Does your bad leg bothers you even if you’re sitting down? Is there something that aggravates it that isn’t usually considered?) and misconceptions people may have (How much can you actually endure? Can you actually push yourself to do something (like run) or is it straight up imposible?). Most of the things I find online are about cures and hypotheticals so I’d like to know more about the mechanics about living with one. Any advice would be useful! Thanks!

Hello!

Yes, a limp can be a disability, especially if the underlying cause of it affects the person in other ways too. That being said, there are people who have permanent limps that wouldn't consider themselves to be disabled, which may be why you've found some conflicting information online.

To give some context for my further answers: I have a pretty bad limp in my right leg, which was caused by a past injury and has only gotten worse over time due to my chronic pain and issues with my joints -- especially those in the lower half of my body. I use a cane full time because of it and have used a wheelchair before when it gets bad.

You are right that it depends a lot on somebody's specific situation such as the cause and severity of their limp, but it also depends on other factors such as the part of their leg that is affected and any other conditions they may have.

Keep in mind that a limp is always the result of something, not the cause.

In my case, it's from my past injury to the leg as well as my chronic pain and other condition(s). However, the root cause isn't always pain in the leg or even in the leg at all. A limp can also be caused from an injury to the spine/back or other places in the body, chronic conditions such as arthritis, limb differences such as a leg length discrepancy, several neurological conditions, and a whole host of other things.

Because of all the different causes of a limp and the different factors that can impact somebody's situation, people's experiences can differ greatly. I can only speak from my own experience, so please keep that in mind.

Now, to address some specific questions you've asked:

Does your bad leg bother you even if you're sitting down?

I'm at the point where I don't typically notice my pain unless it's much better or much worse than usual. It's just a constant sensation in my life that I've gotten used to (For lack of a better term).

That said: I find that my bad leg is usually bothering me regardless of the position, though sitting or laying down is almost always better for it. It doesn't stop the pain entirely, but it does help to ease it and prevent my leg from feeling stiff or cramping.

With that in mind, it depends on how I'm sitting. Having my leg folded up (Such as when sitting cross legged) or sitting on my leg is the worst, even compared to standing, especially when in close quarters such as the back or middle seat in a car.

Most of the time, I'm fine with sitting in a chair normally or even cross legged with my bad leg pulled up but having my leg stretched out is better since it doesn't start to cramp or seize up.

The best position I've found is sitting normally on a chair with my bad leg outstretched and propped up slightly on a stool or a lower chair. Propping it up too high (Such as straight out or above the chair I'm sitting on) causes my knee to overextend, which makes my pain worse, while propping it up too low is just an awkward position and doesn't help.

On days when it's worse, sitting down doesn't do much for me except stop the pain from actively getting worse. These are usually the days where I can't stand for longer than a minute or two unassisted and for around five minutes with my cane or another support.

Is there something that aggravates it that isn't usually considered?

To be honest, I rarely see characters with limps in the media I consume so I'm not sure what kind of things are already considered as it is. That said, here are some of the factors I find make it worse:

Overuse: Being on my feet or pushing myself the previous day can cause the next day to be much worse. Before I stopped being able to play sports, I found that my limp was always worse after a hockey game or a particularly active practice. I'm still fairly active even without organized sports (Though I do play wheelchair basketball on occasion) and I now find that my leg is worse and my limp is more pronounced after I've been hiking or walking around.

Underuse: On the other hand, spending the day in bed or in one position also doesn't do me any good. My leg begins to ache and cramp up if I can't stretch it frequently. In general, a good balance for me has always been shorter, frequent walks throughout the day or one longer but slow-paced walk.

Standing Still: This may sound counter-intuitive but standing still (Or generally keeping my leg in the same position for so long) actually aggravates my leg more than being active does. Walking around allows me to move and stretch my leg out. Keeping it in one position too long makes the pain worse and causes it to seize up and cramp. If I'm able to, I'll usually try walking back and forth or even just taking a few steps but sometimes this isn't possible when waiting in line.

Weather: When there's a sudden shift in the weather, especially in the air pressure or when it becomes damp, my leg tends to ache more and be more stiff. Usually this is when a big storm is coming or there's a drastic shift in temperature but even just cold or damp weather in general makes it worse. I don't fully understand the science behind it myself, but this article [Link] goes into it a bit.

Other Injuries/Pain: Though this isn't something people tend to think about, having pain in other parts of the body (Especially the opposite leg) can make my limp worse. If it's pain in a completely different part of the body such as a headache or stomach ache, it usually has no effect. For pain in my back, arms, or other leg, however, it can have a big effect. This is usually because my bad leg has to compensate in some way. This could mean putting more weight on my bad leg to take weight off of a sprained ankle on my 'good' leg, walking with a slightly different gait to avoid worsening back pain, or needing to use my cane on the other side to compensate for shoulder/arm pain.

Poor Footwear: This is one I am... very guilty of. My combat boots don't have the best support but they're what I have right now and I can’t afford better footwear or orthotics right now. This is to say, wearing poor footwear such as flipflops, sandals, or other shoes without proper support will make a limp worse. I don't personally notice much of a difference with my boots since I use them all the time regardless but wearing flipflops is very difficult because I have no stability in them.

Something to note is that sometimes bad days can come on with seemingly no cause at all. Though I don't doubt that there is something influencing it in the background, it's not always possible to pinpoint what it is.

How much can you actually endure? Can you actually push yourself to do something (Like run) or is it straight up impossible?

On a good day, I'm sure I could run for a bit if I absolutely had to but I would certainly be paying for it later. Running puts a lot of strain on my leg and I know from experience that on a very bad day, I wouldn't be able to get very far without my leg giving out, even if it was a life or death situation. I'm unsure how adrenaline would effect that, however.

Something to keep in mind is that for a lot of people with limps and/or chronic pain (Myself included), the pain is rarely linear. There are days where I feel great and I barely notice it and there are other days where I can hardly walk without wanting to cry from the pain. And I have a fairly high pain tolerance.

In general, I am fairly fast with my cane. I'm able to walk at the same speed as most people my age and I generally tend to outpace them on a good day. My cane helps me avoid putting too much weight/strain on my leg and also helps with my balance issues. Without my cane, I'm usually in too much pain and don't have the stability to walk normally.

Whenever I do have to push myself to do something (Such as navigating the stairs during a fire drill or carrying my gecko's terrarium into my room), I try to get ahead of the pain if it doesn't show up immediately. Ice packs help to mitigate any swelling or pain that might come and I usually have pain meds with me to take just in case. I usually take a Tylenol (Or the generic version) and an Advil (Or the generic version). This is at the advice of my doctor to help with my specific issues, I strongly advise against mixing pain meds without approval from your doctor.

Phew, that was more than I thought I'd type about this! Hopefully some of this is helpful, I'm also happy to answer any more questions you might have!

Cheers,

~ Mod Icarus

[thechronicelk]

My name is Galaxy. I start this blog tentatively in hopes of connecting with other chronically ill artists and finding a supportive community. I've gone a long time without a support network of people who actually know what I'm going through.

I have Myalgic Encephalomyelitis, also known as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (ME/CFS). I've been sick for around ten years. I don't usually talk about how intense this experience has been for me, because hearing about suffering can be uncomfortable, but I desire a place to talk openly about just how hard it is to deal with this.

What is ME like? It's like paying for every action you take. You may have heard of the spoon theory, but I haven't connected with it as much as some people have. Having ME for me is like being in a cage. It's like wearing weights everywhere you go. It's feeling like you've been hit by a truck. Everything you do hurts you sooner or later. But that's putting it lightly. If my life is a railroad, ME derailed the train completely. Everything I ever wanted to do, be, see, experience... it was all gone. All of my autonomy vanished.

These chronic conditions can look different for each individual. I've seen people who can't leave their bed, and I've seen people who are high function despite the pain, fatigue, and other symptoms they deal with. I myself fall on the more severe end of the spectrum. On a bad day, I lay in bed with my eyes closed and wait. All of my mental energy goes towards survival. Survival from debilitating pain. On good days, I get a few chores done and work on my artistic passions. It's all I can do.

But it's not just physical. Brain fog is another terrible symptom of ME that has altered my life irreparably. For me, it feels like I'm slowly losing my mind. It's like being an old phone that takes forever to load its applications, and often crashes in the process. Things I used to be good at, like memorization, improv, and especially reading, have become extremely difficult and exhausting.

This is why I say it feels like I'm in a cage. Between a dysfunctional body and mind, all I can do is exist. I can wait for a day when the fog clears a little, like today, and use the energy I have to try and be productive.

Sometimes it's exhausting to be positive, especially when things truly are not okay, and I think that's okay. I think it's okay to be upset by the hand you've been dealt, because it's not fair. It really isn't. I did everything right... and that's what's so tragic about this chronic illness. However, I hope that my words help someone feel seen, understood, and like they're not alone. Like even though things suck, we can live on. Because despite it all, there are things worth living for. I will not let ME kill me. I refuse.