#I don't do well in a school environment BUT
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BARBECUE DRAGONS
[Image ID: A digital drawing of a blue dragon flipping burgers at a grill with one hand, holding four kebabs in the other, and chopping meat with a cleaver held by it's tail. A second blue dragon off to the side is breathing blue fire under the grill to heat it. /. End ID]
The semester is finally finished! This is a style frame from my story development project. Even though I've decided to change the project's final style to something less polished, I'm still quite happy with this.
#dragons#children's illustration#school projects#barbecue#stove on fire#I don't do well in a school environment BUT#it would've been silly not to go back with only three classes standing between me and my degree#pro tip: do not START working on your final project THE DAY THEY ARE DUE
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you know what, I actually will talk about this because it's bothering me. The issue with focussing so heavily on syd and carmy's potential for a romantic relationship isn't that there's something inherently unintellectual about romance or whatever, it's that a lot of people seem incapable of doing that without immediately flattening the story and ignoring or intentionally misreading any and all nuance for the sake of that romance. Every scene suddenly becomes about how it impacts their relationship, every analysis is done through a romantic lens, every frame or line of dialogue becomes about finding some easter egg or hint that "proves" these people should start dating. Their dynamic is absolutely a fundamental part of this show, but if you can only see it as a will-they-won't-they, you miss so much of what the story is actually trying to say with these two.
There are good versions of this story where their relationship is romantic and there are good versions of this story where it isn't, but as soon as you decide them being together is "the point," you lose the ability to actually judge the story for what it is, not what you want it to be.
#like so much of their dynamic (esp but not exclusively in S3) has been about showing the ways that carmy's trauma and dysfunctional#attitude in the kitchen impacts other people and how even though he cares about syd and wants their partnership to work he keeps self#sabotaging and setting himself and by extension her and the restaurant up to fail and replicating the same toxic environments that#he grew up and trained in and this is very much consistent with his character and a natural continuation of the conflicts they've been#having since S1 but because him being shitty with her runs contrary to them getting together suddenly its 'ruining the story' and#out of character and only happening bc the writers just hate to see this ship winning and like. if you really think that i genuinely don't#know what show you've been watching bc it sure as shit wasn't this one. like it hurts to see him do this because you know#they could do something genuinely great together and that he's ruining a really good thing but this is also the reality of where he is rn#if he was just a good and supporting business partner and not deeply dysfunctional it would be wildly out of character#the problem w S3 wasn't that it 'ruined' their relationship it's that it had no clear focus overemphasized carmy's arc at the expense#of the other leads deprioritized the supporting cast while failing to give them their own arcs gave more screen time to#unecessary and uninteresting new 'comic relief' characters and let conflicts stagnate without resolving them or#letting them evolve over the course of the season.#this isn't exclusive to the bear this is a general trend ive noticed where as soon as the 'shipper' part of people's brains get activated#it's like they lose the ability to read the story any other way and it stops being about what's good for the narrative and starts being#about whether or not these two people kiss and anything that gets in the way of that is bad and anything that brings it closer is good#and it's usually whatever but it's really frustrating when the story ppl are doing that to is this good#it also makes people fundamentally incapable of treating any 'obstacle' to that romance in a way that isn't wildly meanspirited and#gross (esp bc those characters are usually women) which is exhausting. like no claire isn't evil or a 'pick me' or 'bad' for carmy#or a useless addition to the story or whatever other nonsense you guys have decided must be true to feel okay. she's a perfectly normal#character and their relationship is exploring some of the ways that carmy's inability to deal with or actually address his trauma#impacts the various relationships in his life. she doesn't even have to be a monster or a narrative mistake for him and syd to be#'destined' for each other or whatever. this isn't a middle school wattpad fic.#im definitely gonna get killed in the street for this but ive been looking for a good reason to spend less time on here so might as well#the bear#sydcarmy#sydney adamu#carmy berzatto
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I need to stop romanticizing careers I am not mentally stable enough to maintain
#man it just. it's so hard#it's so hard because I love music so much but deep down I know I don't have it in me#I love everything about composing but I don't have the creative fortitude to make that the source of my income#a conducting student once told me I should go into conducting and I briefly considered that fantasy but the truth is I just don't have the#personality for it. I hate being in charge I hate even having to critique people playing My Own Music I don't cope well with attention#but at the same time I love doing it. I love the art form#I don't have the chops to make it as a performer. I knew this from the start but I formally gave up that idea after high school#when I realized that it was doing nothing for me but burning me out#I'm a better writer of music than I am a performer of it anyway#the only performance career I could envision for myself *possibly* would be in like. an early music ensemble or something#not that I really imagine that happening. but if I ever had the opportunity maybe I'd go for it#that's the only performance environment I really thrive in at all#and I guess in that sense it's not completely off the table. not as a main source of income but recently I've been getting gigs#for some of the folk music stuff with my friend because we're achieving a degree of notoriety in reenactment circles which is fun#idk. I know this isn't for me. I know it deep down#but I think there is always going to be a part of me that regrets it. a part of me that desperately wants to#mine#sorry I'm feeling normal about my choice of major clearly#composerposting
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every so often I think about how in high school art class, our teacher at one point critiqued my classmate's painting she'd done of herself getting dressed for the day, and said that 'all dressing implies undressing, and so this is inappropriate.' and then I realize some things about how I interpret my own artwork.
#news from the cupola#wacky times at high school. glad that I am not still there.#ALTHOUGH that was also the teacher that introduced me to bohemian rhapsody. same class even.#maaaaybe art class was not the best environment for the young em 'overthinking it' cupola.#this does give some perspective to how I Do as an artist even some years out. which is to say that I don't do well.
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The urge to spend a 100$ on merch before getting my paycheck is so strong. I might not survive soldiers
#Priorities! Next month no food challenge#At least I can eat my vinyls and CDs 🥰#Man fr I could starve but if Id have some albums#Id be happy#eating my own organs and shit#Okay yes I officially lost it but!#ahiajwineidn the voices#I want to spend money#🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛🐈⬛#Tbh i only eat cheap ass bread anyways so maybe we can do it 👻#me tryna convince myself this would be a good idea and i wouldn't die#Mnaiaisns9jwkq but it's motivation? to keep working right?#....... IM ABT TO ORDER STUFF#IDEK WHAT. BUT. THE. VOICES.#like im soo thinking abt buying the mortal vinyl or atsushis vinyll CUZ THEY LOOK SO GOOD.#I DONT HAVE A MF LP PLAYER BUT IMMA BUY ONE AS WELL#aaaaaaaaa🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠#HM. HmmMM. i can get an LP player on facebook market place rightttt that wont be expensive righttttt#oh to not have to pay 30$ for. shipping would be so good#Ahhhhhhhhh. 😾#Gimme money#Actually I don't even have the money! idek how much am i gonna get paid! but im just thinking abt ordering stuff and hoping ill have enough#insanity is my middle name tbh#also i hate how i literally. dont keep track of my money and i always act on impulse 😭#like man idc how much u pay me i see i have enough imma spend it all#but i should save up to finally move my mf ass away from this great environment i live in#but dang is it hard next to school#getting paid less than minimum wage as a student lowkey. is not fun#But idk what to do cuz i cant skip school to work 😭 so this is shit#n e ways goodnight ily who reads my 3556th diary entry
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ah im suddenly dreading over school starting on... the 15th of August I think
my parent have high expectations for me though it's understandable
and tbh... i still don't know what course I'll take
#i was constantly nagged for what course ill take for college. in all honesty i really don't know what i want to be#drawing is only a hobby for me so far... i dont really know what can i do well for the actual animation industry#and im not even interested to animate#they think im good as a teacher because i can speak well - but... id do anything to not be in a school environment#idk... now that i think about it i dont have much interests on something that could land me a job or whatever dndbfjbffbnfhd#sorry everyday i keep worrying how the date gets increasingly closer to my school year starting#and it's 7 now. to 15#cw: negativity#~ rambling#and ill be an outcast again but. i think thats okay im used to it#i dont trust everyone there either
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Playing Bomb rush cyberfunk has been a crazy experience so far because i feel like I've been enjoying the game just as much as I'm not doing so
#which is crazy because i went in with the impression that this would be jet set radio but better#and really? the biggest thing is doing for me rn is making me wanna play old-school Jet set radio again#who the fuck looked at Jsr and thought “Hey you know what would make this game even better? 300 different inputs”#which makes it impossible for me to play this solely on the controler (the main way i play games since i suck ass at the keyboard)#because it just doesn't have that many buttons#so at times i gotta be fucking double welding this shit with both the keyboard and the controler and it's awful#because I don't have that good of a motor coordination or whatever the proper term is#on top of that. why did we need a fighting mechanic? that's so fucking unnecessary when Jsr already had a gret way of dealing with that#which was by integrating the grafitti mechanic with the fighting by having it be the way you damage opponents#just adjust that to make it take more hits/graffitis in the fight and boom. you're done. perfectly functional#all it does is take away 3 BUTTONS in a game that already has a shit load of inputs#and ik these same buttons are also used to doing tricks on rails but like. that's such an useless addition#because I'm not actually doing anything like this isn't pulling a move on a fighting game. no skill is needed. I'm just mashing buttons#so you might as well not have both of these machanics and have the buttons be set to do other. more important comands#like the one to manually continue a combo on the ground after getting off of a rail. i gonna hold control on the keyboard and move#my joysticks at the same time whenever i need that and it fucking sucks#so yeah whenever i play it again I'm definitely gonna try mapping my controler to my liking and we'll see how it goes#unrelated to the gameplay i just gotta say. sorry but the songs are so mid#if i knew how to mod things i would replace every single one of them songs from jsf and jsrf. absolutely no doubt about it#like the songs in the jsr games are so unique and distinct from one another. even the ones that have a similar style. which makes them#incredibly memorable like i still remember a good chunk of them from the top of my head and i haven't played that game in months#bomb rush cyberfun songs just feel so samey and forgettable#a similar thing can be said for the environment designs and especially their colors imo#everything within the same area feels incredibly samey and not memorable. and you may think “Carol it's a whole area of course it's gonna#look similar to itself“ and to that i say. yes. cohesion is important but take a look at Kogane and Bento from jsr and you'll see#how despite being the same area and having the a coherent color pallet and overlay applied to it their locations are distinct from eachother#and memorable to the point where i can recall how to traverse thought each area and where they lead to easily#in bomb rush it feels like I'm just looking at the same place everywhere in the map#on a good note! i like the story so so much it's definitely what's gonna cary me through playing the whole game#because jsr really needed more story and fleshed out characters that aren't just different designs you can play as
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ugh this sucks im just at home all the time and my work is online and my friends all live far and its winter yuck
I worked there for 3 months only but I miss my old workplace. It was a nice little community with people that I saw almost everyday that I could share stories about the small struggles and joys we all shared as teachers. Every morning I busily had somewhere to go to, and every evening I had a reason to be tired. I had the security of knowing I had a 'job' (as if a job being online makes it less of a job... sigh)
now im just. in my room by myself. Ugh. reminds me again of 2020
#i don't really miss the work tho#i just miss the place and my coworkers </3#the kids were too crazy and too many in a single class and every class was a whole shock to my system i don't think i had a single 'normal'#normal day in the time that I worked there. Every day there was some incident or another#i do miss the work environment tho. it was so great and welcoming and they were all so nice and kind and supportive#rlly it was like being in one of those slice of life school-based animes#:(((#not me physically improving from the flu only to be lonely and depressed lmao uh why can't i just focus on my work I was doing so well#and being so optimistic before this flu came along#Sigh I guess everyone has their days#hopefully tomorrow it gets better#praying for those friday blessings#now that i work from home i don't even look forward to weekends its so sad#weekends just means more work for the organizations im part of#sigh anyway. whatever. i hope this annoying attitude sets with the sun and doesn't come back tomorrow#✨✨#💭.txt
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...
#ok. so the guy from school i visited emailed me today like: good news! we unanimously voted to extend u an offer here#so expect the formal offer in the next week. and im like uuuugh i wanna say yes so bad#bc in the us i would have more flexibility in the program than i would in the uk#and my options in the us r either to b a big fish in a small pond at this schoolor a little fish in a big pond at the other#bc this school is underfunded and a bit isolated out in the mountains but the staff r pretty great and big egos dont seem like a big issue#but if i go to the other school its like a big well funded school. the application was like 75 dollars. fuck u and really annoying#and i mean id have to live in new jersey. so in the city with city driving and prob a more high pressure school environment#and more of a chance of dealing with big egos. but like career wise im sure it would b good. assuming i don't mentally collapse#but i mean that doesnt seem as fun as spending 5 years out in the rocky mountains#like thry have fucking moose and bears! there were deer and turkeys in town!#and my dad just sent me a video of all the spring peepers singing back home and im like 😭 bc froggies and he was like i bet u could find#frogs out in [redacted city] and im like 😭 ur right. it just seems like the better choice for my poor overtaxed brain and the project is#so cool too. i want to get the cyano species as my computer background asap. and the guy is nice and apparently super supportive#and i could probably walk to hiking trails. god. i mean i have to say yes to that. i wanna say yes so bad. send me the formal offer bro#ill fucking take it before i even hear back from the other schools lol. ugh. i hate making choices#oof i am so excited to kno where im going and plan my departure. its gonna b such a pain moving tho i pray that my mum or dad can drive#with me bc otherwise the 20hr drive by myself might kill me. thats almost as bad as my initial move out here lol. the us is so big#ugh. again choices. is this the right choice? probably one of the biggest decisions of my life. the project feels so right. cyanobacteria#my algal group of choice. and hot springs. how tf do u say to no to that? i mean. id b doing that in new jersey too but with red algae#ugh. put me out of this misery lol. also as an aside. shout out to my fucking disaster brain for not being able to focus on a single thing#my boss in a meeting: so glad to have students and staff so excited to b working on this project!! me: lady i hate that im on this project#bc im just sitting in until they can get an actual student. i just do what im told but appreciate the enthusiasm lol#ay. im so tired. i wanna see the snow and mountains. and fix my head. and get outta the desert. and listen to frogs 🐸 😌#unrelated
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will zero finally go back to school... stay tuned and find out
#not to keep using this blog as a diary but ANYWAYS#so got confirmation i'm basically in the middle exit phase so my last day will probably be in mid-december#which is actually really good timing all things considered#so i can either plan to get a new job at the beginning of the new year OR think about going back to school#starting during spring is kind of awkward so unless I find a really good situation i'd probably go for fall of 2024#tuition is obviously something i have to think hard about since i'm also balancing a mortgage... but the benefit of me doing nothing but#work my ass off for the last 4 years is that i do have the money saved. like unless i go to a super prestigious school i can most likely#afford it on my own. ofc the question is am i willing to spend it all for a degree that might not even be of any benefit to me. who knows#i also don't even know what i'd go back for. it wouldn't be pure CS but probably something adjacent or bio-related#another reason I want to go back to school is honestly for social reasons. networking and finding new friends#i'm not the most outgoing person but in an academic environment i was infinitely better at socializing than I am now lmao#and sharing classes with folks will definitely help. i'd definitely pick up TAing again as well if possible#i also talked with my manager a bit about this and he was also like yeah at your age and situation now is actually a really good time#anyways. we shall see#0.txt
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some important calvin and hobbes facts in case you haven't read the original comic strip in a long time or only absorbed stuff on it from memes and out of context bits on here:
Calvin's last name has never been given, and neither has any of his parent's names. This was actually why his uncle Max only showed up for a brief storyline; the creator of the comic, Bill Watterson, ultimately felt that while it was fine to have him as someone for his parents to talk to, it felt far too awkward to never have Max refer to them by name and he never made a return appearance.
The general tone of the comic is fairly light-hearted, with a big emphasis on goofy slapstick comedy contrasted by clever wordplay and often surprising adult-centered jokes that'll hit you like a slap. A big part of the comedy is, as Watterson put it (paraphrased) "It's really funny to me when people express deeply stupid ideas with really fancy terminology." One notable example you might have seen is that one bit where Calvin asks his mom for money to buy a Satan-worshiping rock album and his mom replies that there's nothing genuine about them and they're just putting on the attitude for shock value, and comisserates with Calvin as he deplores that mainstream nihilism can't be trusted. He concludes that childhood is disillusioning.
There is a LOT of criticism of the extreme materialism and selfish mentality of the late 80s, when the comic was initially written. This may go a long way to explain how its aged so well; much of what it criticizes resonates well with people today.
Bill Watterson views comic strips a legitimate form of artwork, and repeatedly fought to have more space to draw more beautiful and artistic backgrounds, which was a very hard fight and unpopular even with other comic strip artists. He eventually did win some compromises and a lot of Calvin And Hobbes' artwork shows it, with the use of space to indicate time as well as a sharp contrast between the often plain environments of mundane life contrasted by the wildly beautiful imagery of Calvin's imagination (which often sports realistic depictions in an art shift of sorts).
Hobbes is explicitly not an imaginary friend, by word of Watterson himself. We don't know WHAT he is exactly, and Hobbes is apparently unaware of the strange nature of his reality; people look at him and only see an ordinary stuffed tiger plushie, but he has a tangible effect on the world that would be physically impossible for Calvin to do on his own. He's apparently been around for a while, and was apparently around when Calvin was a young baby.
On that note; Hobbes has implicitly killed (notably treated as both a gag and also with the vibe of 'he's a tiger, duh') and while he doesn't do it again on-screen, he doesn't have any moral issues about it. Calvin claims that he's never had trouble bringing Hobbes to school because the last time he did, Hobbes killed and ate a bully named Tommy Chestnut and simply comments that it was gross and he needed a bath. Calvin's tried to repeat this again, but Hobbes was grossed out at the thought having to eat a kid raw and not being allowed to use an oven first, or complaining that children are too fattening.
Hobbes became gradually less human-like in body language and more like an actual cat in both body language and behavior; this was due to Watterson drawing more inspiration from his cat, who also inspired a lot of Hobbes' running gags, such as pouncing on Calvin when he got home. Several years into the syndication of the strip, Watterson's cat passed away, and he did a tribute to her with a comic strip of the two of them agreeing to try to dream together so they can keep playing when they have to sleep; Watterson's commentary (if I recall right), remarks on his cat: "We can see each other again in dreams."
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If your vision for the deradicalization of right-wing men begins and ends with "other men telling them that that's gross and to stop it" then I'm sorry, you do not understand how masculinity works.
"Men who hold patriarchal status" and "men who are feminists" are two groups who overlap less than you want them to. I'm sorry. That's not solely because men are so happy with patriarchal status that they don't want to risk it by policing misogyny/queerphobia/racism, It's because being misogynistic, queerphobic, and racist, end expressing other forms of toxic masculinity(and often abusively so) are part of how people establish and maintain patriarchal status. The men who have the ability to stop this via nothing but peer pressure are the very people who are doing it. That's by design. And engaging in feminist intervention is, in and of itself, usually the abrupt end of that status and its associated power to persuade misogynistic men.
Like, I have worked in blue collar jobs as a notably queer person. It was pretty much a constant deluge of verbal abuse. In my experience, most blue collar work environments are exploitative, abusive, and bigoted, and very gleefully so. On the occasions I have spoken up about someone saying something that was super fucking out of line (asking me which of the girls walking by was hottest. We were installing a portable classroom at a middle school), believe it or not, they completely failed to be shamed! Because nobody else on the crew gave a fuck. *I* was the weird one. They ghosted me. A full blown company ghosted me. I suddenly didn't have a job anymore because they just straightforwardly stopped telling me where the next job site was.
Like, this doesn't mean that it's your job to do it, but this vision you have of these big groups of men where everyone is on the fence and there is precisely one shit stirrer who can be shut down by a brave feminist man who can single handedly set the example for all these other guys...you are high. You are describing an "everybody clapped" level absurd scenario. Most of these truly virulent misogynistic guys either have zero friends, because, you know, our society is atomized to fuck, or they are in a group where the feminist guy is actually the weirdo who can be shut down and ostracized much, much easier than the misogynists, because there is no such thing as a man misogynists respect who stands up for women.
You might be saying "well, we're talking about longstanding personal relationships, actually. Like, they need to have to want to spend time with you and then, as a side effect, you can mind control them out of being a threat to us."
Problem with that being:
1: Many feminist men also have no friends, see the atomized society above.
2: Feminist men already stopped hanging out with men who make rape jokes because why the fuck would we want to spend time with them.
3: That isn't just because we respect women so hard. We are in many cases talking about men who are also deeply queerphobic, heirarchical, violent and abusive to other men. What initially drew me to feminism and women was a lack of heirarchical squabbling and constant bullying, and the ability to be openly queer. A lot of men who came to feminism did so because they knew that the patriarchy was not a place they would find success or acceptance. These are not the men who are gonna be able to change right wing minds.
4. Men do not view themselves as a monolith. There is no universal brotherhood of men. The actual meaning of the term "Fragile masculinity" is that men are constantly expected to prove that they are deserving of the status of being a member of their own gender. There are large swathes of men--including most of the men who you'd look to as examples of good, feminist men who you want to undertake this project--who are considered failed men, sissies, f****ts, soyboys, ect. They are. Not. Going. To. Convince. These. Men. Of. Jack. Shit. Much less successfully *shame* them. Jesus.
I know all of this sucks. I know it would be cool to be able to just point at a group and have them be responsible for the work. But nah. It's gonna have to be a societal project, one that will probably outlast all of us. Sorry. The thing you want these men to do is, absolutely, the morally correct thing to do. But presuming that it would be effective is, and once again I am so sorry about this, just ignorance of how these social groups function.
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Not main tagging this cause it's rude I think but I am so close to muting the S.BG tag. I love that comic with all my heart, I love the fanart, the memes, the fics, everything, but y a l l
I like when fandoms grow because more people discover the media! But despite being thriller S.BG has drawn a younger audience. This ain't a bad thing I am technically "younger audience" but it is painfully clear that lots of us are very new to fandom. Y'all have GOT to learn to BLOCK AND MOVE ON. I cannot browse the tag without seeing people arguing over a WEBTOON and tagging people and hating on other users. Block and move on. Please. It is always better to block and move on
#Learned from experience took me a year and a half to be able to cut off people after an environment like that#Please do not make it a toxic corner of the internet it will backfire on yall so badly it does NOT EVER END WELL.#Rambles#May make a main tag post about it again#Already did months ago and lots of yall agreed with it and drama died out as others brought it to light#But the fandom has exploded#ATP may be unfollowing the tag#I don't want to unfollow people I love this fandom but why is there s.bg middle school drama on my page#I SHOULD BE STUDYING FOR THE EXAM IN LIKE AN HOUR OR WORKING ON OTHER POST#BUT FANDOM ETIQUETTE RAMBLE IN NOTES IT IS#I've been a rambling mood for two days now hence the horrifically long reblog rambles in linguistics tag o7
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Here are some simple questions you can ask in an interview when they ask you "So do you have any questions?" (Hint: Always ask a question)
Why is this position open? (Lets you know if the work environment is toxic bc the last person quit cuz they couldn't take it anymore. It's open because the workload increased/the company grew is a good sign--not only are they successful, but they hire new people instead of just working their current employees to death.)
What are the primary goals/measurements of success for this position? Ie, what you have to do to get a "good job/thumbs up, you're doing your job. (Lets you cut to the core of what the job actually is for your own information and demonstrates you're interested in doing a good job.)
What do you think will be the hardest part of the job? and/or What do you think are the most essential skills to have for this position? (Gives you a chance to follow up with saying how you have those skills/are good at the hard part/are prepared to do a good job/are well suited for the challenge.)
What do you (the interviewer) like and dislike about working here? (Gives you more insight into the working environment, gives them a chance to be introspective, gives you a chance to follow up with saying why you think you're a good fit for the working environment.
Very last/if you don't have any other questions: Do you think there's anything else I should know? and When can I expect to hear back from you? (leads into the natural conclusion by discussing timetables and the next steps of the interview process.)
Bonus: If there's anything you think is particularly cool about the work there, especially if it's something you went to school for, let your enthusiasm bleed through a little bit and/or ask more questions about the technical stuff, it will probably win you points. If you can fake it that might work too.
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For the last several months I've been resisting the siren call of machining while enjoying the new-to-me channel Pask Makes, with its woodworking and tool production.
But yesterday I watched two videos from Adam Savage in a row, with all their semi-chaotic plotting, layout work, and winging it. I now desperately need access to a machine shop and I'm being so brave about it.
That said, I have just downloaded FreeCAD to get as close as I can digitally to that thought process without the metal shavings, blue stained fingertips, and sulfuric lubricant smell. Or at least as close as I can for free.
#started writing this post and had to pause for about an hour to search desperately for the name of my Intro to Machining Technology teacher#i'd thought of him and gotten to the point of being *pretty* sure he'd vanished from linkedin before#i confirmed he's definitely not there (or at least not the account that connected with mine)#and another person with his first name overwrote my memory of his last BUT this time i managed to find the right search terms#that pulled up his spot in the school's whitepages directory#so i emailed his school account knowing full well he probably doesn't have access anymore as an old adjunct#i certainly don't - it was almost ten years ago#but if he does or there's some email forwarding possible he's gotten a thank you message#because that was one of the classes i loved the most from my community college and tbh my whole school experience#anyway this isn't just impulsive yearning to machine#if I'm doing it right the project after next will have a lot of assets that parametric modeling would help#including vehicles if I'm brave which i need to be if I'm really using it as an environment artist portfolio piece#specifically they might require nurbs which would need me to download and practice with the silk add-on#which i think common sense dictates should happen after i understand how to use the vanilla toolsets#so gaining that familiarity might be what we're up to some stream soon#ramblings#tag you're writ
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I think you're right that it's significant, and I think Mori is clever to recognize that Akutagawa is a rook.
Like a rook, Akutagawa is powerful, but generally contained and often undercut by his predictability. However, because he's keenly aware of his own constraints, and because others often aren't (especially regarding variables they've internalized as known), he's able to play into and against his own predictability to paradoxically surprise them.
He moves within the confines of his rigidity to shape outcomes, sometimes more effectively than his more dynamic opponents and peers. Rooks do that too, if you let them.
Me, knowing nothing about chess, probably overthinking the significance of referencing akutagawa in this scene, but is going to look it up later anyways
#i have very specific chess feelings and thoughts re: rooks (which is what that piece is)#because in elementary school i was in a program for intellectually gifted students - by which i do NOT mean an honors program#i mean i displayed several specific neuro characteristics and struggled in a classroom environment such that i was referred for screening#the results of the screening flagged me for several additional tests and my results on those tests then prompted a comprehensive assessment#which was conducted by a licensed examiner who additionally administered another test chosen specifically based on my prior data#the report from which triggered a review of all of the above data by a panel of specialists who determined that I was wired so atypically#that I required specifically designed support services to avoid an adverse impact my access to education#ie I was not considered academically gifted which is what people are usually thinking of when they talk about giftedness (esp on tumblr)#i prefaced with all of that to counter misconceptions and emphasize that i was not in a program for smart and highly successful students#i was in a program for students with distinct cognitive processing needs that could not be met without specialized intervention#but inanely and entirely b/c of misconceptions the administrators at my school forcibly registered us in an annual chess tournament#which they wouldn't let us opt out of b/c there was a funding incentive for the school if we advanced far enough#ironically chess is a bad fit for this type of giftedness b/c it's rote + relies on bounded conventions instead of creative problem solving#but anyway i did not want to fucking play chess especially not competitively - it's boring and gets redundant#so i intentionally threw all of my games to remove myself from the tournament early#except my fellow indentured chess competitors noticed i was doing that and they were also bored and didn't care for the tournament#and so several of them made a game out of forcibly advancing me as far as they could by outmaneuvering my attempts to lose#horrifically they managed to corner me into winning enough that i was in serious danger of advancing#and so i started AGGRESSIVELY practicing chess in my spare time to learn how to shape the board and get confident in my ability to do so#i played against computers and then strangers online for hours a day and i studied checkmate patterns and how to subvert + reconfigure them#all so i could play well enough to ensure i'd lose even when being actively sabotaged#it worked - i narrowly escaped advancing that year and I don't think they were able to lose to me again after that#they kept trying - even playing me outside of tournaments to try and figure out how i was consistently losing#it's b/c i layered multiple strategies that involved breaking select conventions + manipulating their focus and psychology#BUT the fulcrum of my approach relied heavily on my rooks and select pawns as my most valuable pieces#i got very good at using rooks to shape the board without placing them in a position to be captured until i wanted them to be#once i had a few pawns close to promotion i would shift my rooks into bait b/c once one was taken i could just promote a pawn into a rook#and because absent a potential stalemate people almost always promote pawns into queens#my opponent would forget my additional rooks and would make choices based on the implicit assumptions that my deputized pawns were queens#rooks are treasures
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