#I don’t want anyone to die okay???
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Y’all.
I legit just had a dream where I literally locked Leland in the bathroom of my parents’ house because, and I quote myself, “if you’re in this house, then I can keep you safe from the series finale.”
Like it was a dream where the main characters were all at my parents’ place (the trio, all of the girls, Sister Andrea), and then even fricking Andy showed up (and I said, “Oh, thank God, we’re fixing that plot thing, too!”). And I was holding my faux niece and looking out the kitchen window and I saw Leland walking by, and we made eye contact, and I smiled at him and he smiled back, even though he looked confused. Then my sister and I went outside (me because I wanted to look for him, her because she was sus about me) and we saw characters from The Umbrella Academy and were like, “OMG, are the Kings fixing the ending of that show, too?!?” (Note that I have never seen a single episode of that show; I just have seen the reactions to the finale here on tumblr).
Then everyone else came outside and Leland tried to murder Kristen with an ice pick and I blocked him with a water bottle, and Andy wrangled the ice pick away from him and I was all, “Don’t kill him!!! We need him alive if we’re going to survive this!!!” So Andy gave me an exasperated look and dragged him inside and threw him into the bathroom, where I shut the door and decided to guard it to make sure no one else tried to kill him or he couldn’t try to kill anyone. My sister was side-eying me the whole time (she knew I had a thing for him), and then while I was at the door, I saw he had a knife (looked like the garden knife from Merge Mansion).
He started going all therapist on me—asking me why I saved him, if I was attracted to men who killed, if I wanted to become a killer myself, and I was all, “Look, dude, I had a therapist on BetterHelp for three years. You’re trying to therapist me and it won’t work.” Then I added, “I need you to survive this. No one else wants you to, but I do, and the only way that’s gonna happen is if you stay in here.”
“But why does it matter so much to you?”
“Because I have a thing for psychopaths with pretty blue eyes. Now give me the knife if you want me to talk Kristen out of tazering you.”
Come to think of it, I also might have outright told him, “Michael Emerson has pretty eyes and I’m not letting his character die.”
Y’all. I am not ready for this series finale in any way, shape, or form.
#the life of me#kate rambles#i have weird dreams#evil#evil cbs#evil paramount#evil series#leland townsend#kristen bouchard#I don’t want anyone to die okay???#if that means I gotta lock Leland in a bathroom#so be it
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Finally deleted MyFitnessPal off my phone for my own personal sanity
#got some memories with that app#at first it was just sitting there bc I couldn’t stop myself from tracking the calories of some things#but after a 13 day streak shit could only get worse so I deleted it#proud of myself#that thing had me in chokehold last year did not want a repeat#tw myfitnesspal#tw mentions of eating disorder#random post#ooc post#kind of vent#???#started to wake up stressed out about what I’m gonna eat and I was like nooo not ts again#was literally restricting myself to 1200 cals a day AND IM 5’7#tw eating issues#sucks when you’re not even underweight so you don’t feel valid#waitttt I was not meant to trauma dump in this post#can we not bring being 2000s model skinny back into being trendy bc why are body types a tend in the first place#I can change fashion but definitely not my body#no bc this world is fucked up why was I scared to die alone bc I wasn’t skinny when I was literally 10#I hate that it’s normalized to praise people’s bodies#like idc if that makes me soft but a girl just living and everyone just talking about how good her body is#why is that okay bc yes it is positive but it also creates so many negatives#like does anyone get what I mean#it’s a compliment but it also makes everyone including that person afraid to be anything but ‘body goals’#idk how to explain it but like imo bodies shouldn’t serve aesthetic purposes#they actually have functions and needs and they allow us to live#tw body image issues#I hate wiead’s too but that’s just because why is everyone’s food so gourmet I literally just slap some butter onto toast lol#late night post
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ughhh I need to stop having mental breakdowns over little things.
#vent in tags#chat sesh with iris#vent#tw vent#I feel like everyone hates me and even you all hope I die and nobody likes my ships bc everyone thinks I’m not good enough for my f/os#and the worst part is that none of it is unfounded!!!#none of my friends are talking to me AT ALL anymore even when I start conversations#(including in text)#while they actively talk to other people WHERE I CAN SEE IT!!!#only one of my friends is and all they do is send me anti bs and go ‘omggg these people are so weird!!!’ about like anyone who ships with-#certain characters (including ones that I SHIP WITH!!! which is why I don’t talk about it other than here)#people are like ‘omggg… I hate it when men like these characters. you don’t get them and they’d never love you.’ about my f/os#which triggers dysphoria and self loathing and fear about my ships#tw suicidal ideation#<- somewhat#I don’t like anything about myself and I don’t deserve anything that I have#man. I don’t even want to be here anymore#also I have severe mental illness that has caused a lack of possibility for happiness that lasts longer than fleeting moments#I have not spoken (like aloud) to anyone other than my parents since THE THIRD!!!#I’m going to ask my psychiatrist for testosterone on Wednesday but idek if I’m gonna make it until then#probably I will because I’m too depressed to gather the energy to do it#also she might even say no or not be able to prescribe it#and this isn’t even why I’m the most upset rn but I REALLY need a win#also my mom was like ‘you haven’t given me another name so I’ll just keep calling you the name I gave you 😊😊😊.’ instead of. idk. asking me?#tw suicide#okay yeah the tag is fully warranted now#I like know how I’d do it and everything#I also had a panic attack because I couldn’t find my quilt hashtag just autism things!!!#not takeover#obviously
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Small drawing collection of my latest creation Emran as a teenager/freshly minted Air Acolyte, for my dear partner in unhinged OC shenanigans @katkastrofa, as promised <3
#my art#artists on tumblr#the legend of korra#original character#I need to figure out a way to tag these guys#like with renny and dori I just put sotrl in front of their names and that works#but emran is technically an LaF character. though not uniquely tied to that verse. and idk what to do with Ila and Alasie#maybe I need to have some unique oc tag or smth. I’ll figure it out#if you’re wondering why I stayed up until half past 7 a.m to draw this it’s because I needed some way to cool down#after the kuviren smut absolutely broke my brain#and what better way to do that than by drawing my sweet baby boy?#yes lmao he went from baby girl to baby boy in like 24 hours. fucking sue me#but actually. actually!! they’re both. they contain multitudes :)#they probably haven’t even realised that at this point and are still in disguise#convinced that she’ll be punished for her deceit if anyone found out that she’s actually a girl#(okay off topic but the switching pronouns are really fun lmao)#but give them time. they’ll figure it out soon enough. in these pieces they’re slowly getting used to temple life#and that is the first step to self acceptance#I’m actually extremely proud of these. especially the one with the apple basket. I feel like the androgynous vibes are really there#and he looks like his brother the most in it#but the others are fun too. I loved doing the portrait. I should do them more often#and.. I will admit. I traced the lemur. I can barely draw people okay how do you expect me to draw animals#but I just think that Aiza would really love a little lemur friend#animals don’t judge and she doesn’t have to watch herself around them. she can just be. plus the lemurs are really cute <3#I want to eventually do a companion to this with Aiza instead. maybe from back before she ran away#probably something based on reflection from Mulan too bc the vibes are there. though.. to be completely honest#I’d say they have a lot more of Shurochka Azarova’s vibes than Mulan. but that’s just my love for Soviet cinema taking over#it’s essentially if mulan fought napoleon instead. and when discovered instead of left to die they promoted her to lieutenant 😁#I realise the comparison is completely incomprehensible to everyone but me but.. go watch the hussar ballad. it’s free on YouTube with subs#okay enough rambling. i shall now go to bed. @ Kat I hope this brightens up your morning at least somewhat. I love you!!
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Noooo…… first it’s Yuuta and Shoko, now they’re yo-yoing back around to Megumi.
#no they’re bashing megumi even more than ever now…. sometimes some characters aren’t built for all of THIS AND ITS OKAY#he’s forever traumatized bro he just lost his sister in front of his eyes and his body was the one that killed her#same situation with Gojo who took care of his sister and he from when they was toddlers and up#megumi doesn’t want to live anymore and yuuji has already tried getting through to him he’s completely broken and even if he’s saved megumi#might not ever be the same#I feel like fans keep on forgetting that these are kids going through all of this stuff that even some of the hardest adults wouldn’t be#able to handle#they bash him but a lot of these same ppl forget what happened to getou and love him unconditionally#they’d say “’well other characters have lost a lot as well and they’re still trying!’ and I just have to#restate that again; simply not every character is built like some hard boiled shounen badass jjk is not the usual shounen that a lot of#fans still refuse to see tbh like it’s kind of built different 🗿#it’s core genres are literally horror/psychological horror like no one if gonna be bouncing back like Naruto bro#and in Naruto’s case he never got to see anyone precious to him die in front of him#who knows what Naruto would’ve went through if sasuke was killed in front of him#but then again#Naruto was already a crazy ass#he vowed to kill sasuke and die with him so nvm#but megumi ISNT crazy like that that’s the difference ajsjsjsj#he’s always been one of the more rational characters amongst his peers#he’s so normal!!! everyone else is fucked up or got larger personalities than he does#maybe ppl are pissed off at the fact that megumi simply isn’t fighting back… it’s frustrating but he’s in pain bro#I don’t see him making it out alive at all either if I’m being real#Yuuji might be one of the only characters to survive at this rate I doubt Yuuta is even going to pull through after the techniques 5 min#are up either…#rambling#the point it…… as sad as it may sound all of the characters fighting so hard now are doing so because they simply have to#Sukuna is literally a calamity and these are the only characters left who will even stand any chance against such a great entity#they don’t have much of a choice man#Gojo tried to prepare his students for the future so that they’ll be strong enough to fight back anything together. not alone#Everyone is doing what they can now
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#miles thots#this is so stupid but i just saw one of those tiktoks that said ‘if you don’t use this sound your loved one will die tonight’#and i panicked and closed the app and now i’m panicking bc i didn’t use the sound#and logically ik it’s not real but i hate those#i think i’m having a panic attack i need help#cna someone please tell me it’s okay i don’t want anyone to die#tw death#vent
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Sometimes I doubt if I’m autistic and then I have a day where my schedule is thrown off just a bit and I’ll have a breakdown. Or my comfort person isn’t here and I can’t cope for literally even a day. Or I didn’t sleep well and suddenly everything is horrible for the entire day and I’m getting made at every little thing.
Sometimes I forget that my disability actually disables me and makes me seem weird to other people
#autism#I feel like it’s so obvious if you actually know me#but maybe I’m projecting and trying to be oppressed or smth#idk all I know is that I’m miserable rn. my mom is out of town. and my schedule was all fucked and I’m not okay#like suddenly today I feel suicidal for the first time in months?? what the fuck#and like I don’t want to die but I don’t want to be here anymore#or like I wish I could have a month to just not exist or not be preceived by anyone except my mom#but that won’t happen
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Man I just give up.
#dora daily#if only there was a way to just stop everything#idk if I want to die but I want everything to stop#like so many times I go out or smth and something bad happens#or I get triggered in public and I try so hard not to lose myself and start drama in public but I just can’t#every time I show any emotion people start laughing#I can’t even try to stop myself from bawling in the middle of the store without someone#just being so insensitive and rude and diminishing how I feel#you know I say I’m never mad and that is true bc I may seem mad a lot online but I’m not like this irl#but for the first time I actually got mad at someone irl and I was literally gonna beat him#I was genuinely seething so bad it’s not fair and things keep getting worse and worse#I was so close to just throwing this stupid phone and shattering it and ripping up those dumbass#birthday cards they sell in the store#and that stupid bitch of a sister I have is so fucking stupid#she sees someone anxious and incredibly upset and she acts like that ? fuck her#like bro idek how I have lived for this long and idek why I don’t go and just overdose on SOMETHING right now because#logically speaking I should just give up#but I don’t know why I can’t#like please my life is literal shit okay is replying on time so hard for you to fucking do so I don’t go even more insane fuck all of youuuu#UGHHHDJSOS#I SWEAR TO GOD I am so sick of this just you all wait#none of you deserve normal treatment all you deserve is something even worse than ghosting#just you wait let this stupid semester end and I’ll deactivate my socials go speak to the fucking wall you morons#you think I’m gonna wait around what are you paying me to be here ? if anything IM paying with my sanity#like if this was related to a spouse who was a billionaire but he was treating me as shittily as you guys treat me then I’ll say fine#at least I’m getting something out of this transaction who gives a fuck#but im not getting paid#im not receiving support#I’m getting laughed at and ignored#and used only at YOUR CONVENIENCE !!! what the FUCK ! I don’t exist for anyone and certainly not yall even if I did.
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people begging me to do something to make a certain someone happy aren’t taking into account that i hate this person and i will revel in the knowledge that i kept them from getting the most perfect version of what they wanted. in fact i hope they mourn the loss of this for the rest of their life and die unhappy about it
#i wish i could do worse. i wish i could go through and ruin everything i ended up giving them (all against my wishes) and i wish#i could ruin everything they love because god do i hate them and i will laugh when they finally fucking die#i have no idea why everyone glosses over all the shit this person has done to us and all the pain they’ve caused and i can’t fathom why#everyone wants to make them happy and why they’re willing to beg and bribe for me (and one other person who also hates them) to#give in but it is amusing and i hope they all fucking cry about it like oh nooo did poor [REDACTED] not get something they will never#get another chance to have ? oh well that sucks so bad for them i’m oh so sorry i caused that i can’t believe i managed to ruin their#chances for this how awful that this person i hate who has done and gotten away with so many horrible things didn’t get their perfect#little fantasy how sad we should all comfort them and call me a bitch who has no respect for anyone#god sometimes i wish i gave into violence more in the past bc i wish i got to fucking beat their ass up back when it would be self-defense#unforch i will never get to now. SAD!#i suppose i have murder fantasies and the thought of being able to ruin their funeral to soothe my soul#and the knowledge that i could make them fucking hurt by refusing to cooperate w them#and ough every time an opportunity presents itself for me to fucking take back what they took from me arises i have to fight myself#on it bc everyone will know it was me. i don’t even want what they have i just want them to know they will never get it back and#god it would upset them so much but they never should have had it in the first place ough if i get the chance before i ditch everyone here#for good i’d want to take it and stick around just long enough to hear how much they’ll cry about it before i fuck off#unforch i would need to know where all of their copies of things are but fuck i hate knowing they’ve taken so much from me bc i didn’t#get a fucking choice and they think they have to right to keep it all bc oh it makes them so happy they love having it they’re so fucking#afraid of losing it but it’d be so easy and i doubt they’d even notice for a while and i genuinely could disguise it as a mistake something#got misplaced some files corrupted etc etc but whatever this is fantasy a sweet little daydream of mine my second fantasy involving#them has smth to do with setting their house on fire and my third fantasy is desecrating their grave when the time comes#okay i’m done w this lalalalalala *skips off into the distance* i think revenge is not productive but god is it delicious to think about
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I feel like life series fanon jimmy is kind of mischaracterized and there’s an easy way to make sure you’re doing it right: he has a lot of unearned confidence
#the tags is where I’m going to ACTUALLY say stuff LOL!!!#but like I love life series Jimmy mkay. he’s got that curse of dying first and all. which is what I mean by fanon cuz curses aren’t real#but a lot of fans make it like Jimmy accepts the curse? or even acknowledges that it’s real. which bugs me a bit cuz No He Does Not#(side note tho. I’m not mad about it. I know ppl wanna explore the concept of someone cursed to die first and that’s what they’re doing)#but like Jimmy would just be so in denial about it okay. even if you managed to convince him he would be like ‘..BUT SURELY THIS TIME’#and this relates to ranchers too. I love ranchers ok. mostly cuz my sister does tbh LMAOO she loves them. but ranchers fan content isn’t#what I’m looking for cuz it’s so often stuff like.. Jimmy being like ‘I’m sorry I’m cursed’ and Tango being like ‘it’s ok love u anyway’#but it’s really more like ‘CURSED?? NO! WE WILL WIN!’ which I think is MORE fun for the aftermath of their death. meeting in the afterlife.#I NEED to see ranchers content where they keep denying that the curse is real then Jimmy dies and they’re ghosts or whatever and Jimmy’s#like ‘oh no. we didn’t break the curse. tango probably hates me now. he only liked me cuz we thought the curse wasn’t real.’ and tango to be#like upset at first as anyone would be when they die. but then he like notices the way Jimmy is acting and he’s like ‘no.. ranchers 4 life’#???? what am I saying. hire me for writing fanfic I totally know what I’m doing.#anyways what I’m saying is Jimmy is the canary but he’s the canary that’s like ‘SURELY I can sing for the miners the whole way THIS time’#he is NOT the canary who says ‘WELL time to eventually stop singing in this cave’#HOWEVER I do think that although he has loads of unearned confidence and is in a constant state of denial. he does also have that crumble#sometimes. so it’s not totally ooc imo for him to act like that. but it would be rare moments and also mostly post death#ANOTHER SIDE NOTE I WANNA SAY. I HATE the way I’m saying this as if it’s fact. it’s my personal analysis and just because I think it’s right#doesn’t mean I want to present it as undeniable fact. I could be misinterpreting. if you want to interpret life!Jimmy’s character different#then go on ahead. I don’t hate fanon Jimmy I just wish I saw more like how I see him. that is all.#ok I lied I also wanna add that I’m bad at explaining things ESPECIALLY personalities so it’s possible that I didn’t convey what I wanted to#say properly too. sorry. OKAY NOW THAT IS ALL.
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merlin bbc merlin kills people in the same way that people die all willy nilly in any medieval or cowboy western media like idk where the idea came from that he’s ruthless and willing to kill at the drop of a hat when the series continually shows him just wanting to use his magic to make flowers and shit. plus a large majority of the characters he does kill in the show are like in the midst of trying to kill him and his friends like it’s a bit of a kill or be killed situation
#also#his faults come from him being all too human. not like an eldritch horror terror or anything#he has somewhat lost his way through the series putting arthur above his freedom which does have questionable moral implications#which makes him very interesting#but he never really set out to kill anyone. he wouldve just killed mordred had that been the case#or left morgana to die after he pushed her down the stairs#nameless medieval randos that hes fighting really don’t count okay i’m sorry#the dark evil broodingification of characters is my enemy#so is woobification like we can’t overcorrect here#he’s not a smol bean defebseless can’t do anything for himself softboy either#people can interpret characters however that want. but i will be looking AWAY
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I looked at my dads phone today bc I’m nosy and he was texting a guy abt fobbie tickets and he started it with “my daughter is the biggest fallout boy fan in the world !!!!!” Like I’m literally going to cry I’m so glad me and my dad love each other again :-(
#I was deleting pictures on my google photos and I found old texts he sent me from when I wasn’t talking to him and like#I literally had to just put my phone down for a little bit why was I so fucking awful#and we went tk the store and he kept telling me to pick out snacks I could bring to work :-(#and then when we got home kept being like why don’t you make blah blah and I was like okay fine#and then he sat down and ate his little soup while I made my little croissant sandwich :-(#and went uostairs when I did :-(#I want everyone else to just explode and die and leave it’s not fair#and like 3 of my coworkers aren’t going to be at school tomorrow LOL so it’s going to be another don’t let anyone in or out of the classroom#BUT THATS FUN TO /ME/#anyway I can’t wait until March I love my dad I love Lydia and I heart peterick amen#I Heart Personal diary posting#AND I’m gonna go see my buddy at FYE tomorrow I miss him#okay bye
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OCD actually stands for “one cool disorder” bc it’s super cool that it makes me wanna die :)
#personal#this is dramatic#I am okay#but also not okay#but like by makes me wanna die I just mean like my brain is a sucky place rn#but there are times where ocd will ACTUALLY make u wanna die#this isn’t one of those times tho#I just don’t want anyone thinking I’m doing something stupid lol#I am just venting bc this disorder is so cute and quirky
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i’m an asshole and i am aware of that but i am literally hoping two of my friends break up just so i don’t have to constantly fucking hear about them together
#taylor.txt#we can be having an entirely unrelated conversation and then it’s like ‘that reminds me of my boyfriend’ ‘my boyfriend would love that’#‘my boyfriend said this’ ‘my boyfriend said that’ ‘my boyfriend and i are gonna do this’ oh my GOD GET A PERSONALITY#i was talking about my tattoos because like i’m excited and then it’s ‘yeah my boyfriend and i are getting matching tattoos soon’#which. you have mentioned. every fucking time anyone mentions tattoos. or jewellery. or friendship. or relationships.#the worst fucking one (which has happened to me with two different friends now actually and both times it made me want to die) was like.#i said something. and then it’s. ‘oh that reminds me of this’ and when i said i didn’t understand its just.#‘oh it’s an inside joke with my and my boyfriend you wouldn’t get it’#like. okay. so don’t make the joke to me then???? what purpose has this served other than making me feel like shit????#AND THATS HAPPENED TO ME TWICE!!!!!!!!! BOTH TIMES MADE ME SAD!!!!!!!!!!!#like you’re allowed to talk about your partner o don’t care but like if everything conversation you have has to mention them#fucking. break up. get a personality. youre insufferable to be around.
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thinking about how i was only in the hospital for a week bc i hated the staff so much i forgot to hate myself
#miles thots#tw suicide#actually what happened was i told the story of my coming out and expressed my anger at my mom for taking so long to be okay with my transne#in a group session and the nurse was so quick to defend my mom even saying she sounded like a good mom even after i told her it was the#biggest reason i wanted to die#and she was all ‘i’m sure she just didn’t understand’ even though i said i’d sent her videos and links to articles and offered to explain#myself if she still didn’t get it#this nurse made me feel so incredibly invalidated. i left group early and my roommate came to check on me (he’s also trans so he got it)#i was actually still actively suicidal when they released me but i hid it so well bc i couldn’t stand to be in there any longer#my friends saved me more than that place did. they let me crash on their couches until i was ready to talk to my mom#also- in case anyone actually read this: my mom is wonderful and i love her and we have a very strong relationship now.#it took a lot of work to get here though and it doesn’t change how i view what she did or how she made me feel in the past#but we have talked about all of it and i’ve forgiven her. she’s now my biggest supporter and i love her to the ends of the earth#so this story isn’t me talking bad ab my mom- just the situation and the response i received#oh yeah also they violated hippa and i didn’t realize it for about a year and while they had no right-#i also don’t care enough to do anything ab it anymore lol#tw transphobia#< almost forgot that one
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#inhales. i am so god damn unlikeable i get so fucking sad seeing everyone have their own circles of friends i want to die#i wish i wasn’t the worst person alive i wish i wasn’t so bitter and jealous but i can’t handle the loneliness honestly like being dead woul#hurt less. i feel outcast and like everyone is throwing me to the side on purpose. i feel like i’m living through a punishment#i deserve it if that’s the case... i’ve done enough wrong. that’s why i can’t be close#i have to remind myself my feelings don’t matter and me being lonely is just a monster of a person crying like he even deserves to#it’s sad lmao.#and i’m too mentally ill to ever have friends i know now. i’m too crazy and i never open up ever. what else do i expect#but it feels like anyone i know who is also mentally ill isn’t this fucking freak of nature like i am#i stick out and i leave a bad taste in everyone’s mouths and most of all. man i just. i can’t take it if this is what life is#i CANNOT bear this loneliness even slightly. i’m scared of myself. i want to stop my breathing#i still feel like i did when i was 16#trapped and receding into myself. i’ll never feel okay#how am i supposed to cope when i’m acutely aware everyone fucking hates me
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