#I don’t think it’s too bad yet but after watching those videos I can tell my amenorrhea is getting worse so I need to do something now

[kendrysaneela]

Let’s go through the events of Severance from Helena’s POV cause it’s wild from Helena’s POV as well as Helly’s. (I’m just going by memory so I may miss a few things or mix up the timeline a bit) I am not moralizing any of Helena’s actions cause this is just from her POV.

You get (presumably) coerced into splitting your consciousness in half by your abusive father to serve the cult you were raised in.

You then get the brain surgery and then you wake up in a hallway. Millchick says it’s cause you need time to adjust. But it’s okay because sometimes this just happens you’re not trying to leave.

Then you keep ending up on the other side of the door! Millchick comforts you and tells you about how grateful he is that you’re here and you’re happy to get any approval at all even if it is from your family’s cult. Maybe you’ll get some approval from your father.

Then you run through the door MORE! You’re pretty sure at this point that Millchick is lying to you when he says your innie is realizing she does want to be there but you run back through anyway.

Your innie asks to resign you reject that resignation (whether that was Helena’s decision or the board’s is not yet something we know)

Then on a later day you wake up in the elevator and your hair is all messed up your wrist is bandaged up and your makeup is running and you feel just such DEEP exhaustion but you don’t know why

Then you show up on another day and you’re in an elevator with a cd from a camcorder in your hands you watch it and your innie is asking to resign again. But this time she’s threatening your fingers??

So you record a video back (whether those were Helena’s words or words placed in front of her to say by the board yet to be seen)

THEN you wake up in an elevator GASPING for air not knowing what’s happening. I guess your innie tried to KlLL you??

The you’re forced to go back so when you do you crouch in the corner of the elevator in panic before you turn into your innie

THEN later you’re getting ready to do a speech about how great Severance is (you certainly haven’t had a good time but the board demands you do this so you’re gonna have to fake it)

Then all of a sudden you wake up being pulled off stage by Cobel you don’t even remember getting on the stage!

And you’re told that your innie took you over and said a bunch of bad stuff about Severance onstage so after your father insults you for a while you then you’re forced to read an embarrassing script in front of the whole country or the whole world talking about how you drank too much and thought it was a funny joke at the time.

THEN. You’re looking over footage of Helly who is your other consciousness and you see her kissing Mark. You see her being more free and more loved than you ever have. So you rewind that kiss over and over again.

You’re told you have to go back down there to the severed floor but it’s okay you can pretend to be Helly you don’t actually have to be her. And you actually are having a good time? You are having fun with them you’re feeling free youre feeling loved for the first time in your life, you’re making jokes about your family’s ridiculous lore it’s awesome. You’re trying to soak in the love they all have for Helly because you’ve never felt love and you don’t understand you can’t steal love because you’ve never had love before. You come clean with one of the innies about your self hatred.

Then one of the innies finds out you’re Helena and tries to DROWN YOU. To get back your other consciousness that lives in your body your innie who they love more than you. You thought they liked you but now you’re realizing that they just liked you cause they thought you were Helly you’re still stuck in a loveless life now. And now as a bonus you’re having an identity crisis about how Helly is essentially who you could’ve been if you weren’t weighed down by your family’s name.

Then you’re thinking “I definitely won’t have to go back now obviously I’ll tell my father” then you’re told that no you are going back down and you’re going back as Helly to the place where all of this happened because “The Board appreciates your sacrifice” and no one thinks the trauma you’ve faced so far is actually a big deal not even your father he won’t even talk to you about it. So you go back down against your will to the innie floor again and let the consciousness take you over again.

[makkie-is-screaming]

I’m gonna call Q later and I might tell her what’s going on bc I’ve been watching n reading a ton of stuff relating to amenorrhea and I’m scared but I can’t recover alone I need someone to know

[derinthescarletpescatarian]

Breakfast Time

My son’s stuck in a time loop again.

He thinks I don’t know, of course. He’s never told me that this happens to him (or that he can do this, possibly; I’m not sure which it is.) Maybe I’m a bad mother, if I haven’t proven myself worthy of that trust. But there is only so many times that one can watch their son trudge through a day with bored impatience, anticipating everything you say just a little too quickly and showing no surprise to even the most surprising event, and then come downstairs the next day disoriented but rejuvenated and with a new zest for life and a tendency to get blindsided by even the most predictable things, before one makes the obvious connection.

I don’t think he’s lived through this day too many times yet, because he’s not frustrated by my good morning joke but not surprised by the monster attack being announced on the news. He eats his toast makes polite conversation that sounds just a little too rote until his sister comes down, and he puts his toast down in that distinctive way that make her eyes widen in sudden realisation, a reaction I never would have noticed if I wasn’t looking for it. He told her about three time loops ago, I think, although it might’ve been earlier and I just never noticed the signal until then. I make sure to keep the smile on my face as I push a plate of toast towards her.

The thing on the news is some kind of flying beast, and my son’s eyes don’t leave the TV screen. I expect that calm, solid determination that I usually see in his expression on days like this, but instead he watches it only with a wary sort of calculation. I suppress a sigh – it looks like I won’t be remembering today, then.

The pair exchange glances and look to me. “Hey, mum, I figured we should go to school early. We’ve both got these big tests coming up and – ”

“Yes, fine, whatever. Go.” I know what you’re thinking – obviously they’re off to do something dangerous, and obviously they’re far too young for this sort of thing, and obviously I shouldn’t enable this, and I’m a terrible parent for letting them run off to maybe get themselves killed someday. But I put this to you:

How, exactly, do you expect me to stop them?

As my son heads for the door, though, I almost stop him. I consider, not for the first time, just telling him what I know, what I’ve figured out, and asking him to explain everything, to say where he’s going and what he plans to do about that thing and if his sister is involved and if they at least have help, to put my mind at ease. I don’t, though. Because, logically… I must have done that before, right? In at least one of the countless days that never happened. I must have gotten worried or angry or just fed up with this ridiculous charade and told him that he wasn’t as good at hiding as he thought he was. He has to know that I know, right? And yet, he still chooses to let it play out like this.

Or, perhaps, he told me once. That must have happened, right? I must have been there to help, to patch his wounds and dry his tears and listen to him confess his fears or his worries or his regrets about this big responsibility, about whatever he’s doing out there. He must have told me, at some point, at least once, in one of those nonexistent days. And afterwards, he chose not to tell the me that stuck around. Meaning that I must have given him some reason to keep this secret.

What did I do to him? What did I say to him? How bad a confidante must I have been, that he chooses instead to keep me in the dark?

They leave, they ‘go to school early’, and I start on the dishes. As I wash my daughter’s breakfast crumbs away, the plate slips from my fingers and shatters on the tiles at my feet. I sigh, and turn to get a broom.

Then stop. Pick up all the other dirty plates. And shatter them, one by one, on the tiles.

Then I leave the mess behind me, pull a full tub of rocky road ice cream out of the freezer, and resolve to spend the day eating junk and watching youtube videos. After all, it’s not like it’s going to matter tomorrow, right?

[fireflyinks]

oh my god i can’t stop thinking about riding hamzah’s thighs .. is there anyway u can incorporate that into a fic 🙏

need your attention

hamzah x reader

a/n : okay this is a little 𝓯𝓻𝓮𝓪𝓴𝔂 so beware, but tysm for this request i LOVED writing it, thigh riding is so 😋

contains : needy!reader, afab!reader, praise, no p in v, thigh riding ofc, pet names (baby, sweetheart, good girl), established relationship, Hamzah is kinda mean at first but he apologizes

18+ MINORS DNI

I watched as Hamzah sat at his desktop, clicking and typing away, editing the next slushynoobz video. I normally wouldn’t have been bugged by this, but I had now been laying on his bed for three hours waiting for him to finish.

Crossing my arms, I huffed, hoping this could catch his attention. It didn’t, of course, since he was too entranced in his video and had on the chunkiest headphones I had seen in my entire life.

I tried to be patient, scrolling on my phone until my eyes stung, and yet he still sat at his computer, clueless.

I think what bothered me the most is that he was the one who invited me over, just to not give me an ounce of attention.

Sighing, I finally stood up and walked over to him. I stood beside him, and after a few seconds he looked up at me and moved a headphone off his ear. “Hi baby, you okay?”

“When are you gonna to be done editing?” I asked flatly, almost cutting him off.

He shrugged, looking at his screen. “I don’t know. It could be another hour.”

My mouth fell open, “Hamzah, why do you invite me over just to pay no attention to me? I could be at home right now, doing something productive, instead of waiting on you.”

My words came out harsher than I had intended. I always tried to not lecture Hamzah over little things like this, but I was fed up.

“Why don’t you leave then?” He snapped, not looking up from his computer.

Hamzah never spoke to me this harshly either, and I felt my throat tightening as I nodded and walked away from him. He wanted me to leave? Fine.

“Wait sweetheart…” he called after me, standing up from his desk for the first time in three hours.

I silently grabbed my stuff, and was walking towards the bedroom door. He grabbed my hand and stopped me. Looking up at him, I could tell that he felt bad, so I stopped myself from leaving.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, I don’t want you to leave. I’ll wrap it up, okay?”

I nodded, “Can I sit on your lap?”

Hamzah smiled, “Of course you can.”

The two of us walked back over to his desk, and I watched as he sat back down, patting his lap. I smiled, sitting down.

As minutes passed, I tried to be patient and wait for him to finish. As he peered past my head, his eyes once again glued to his computer, I watched as his arms flex ever so often, typing on his keys and moving his mouse. It was a tiny detail, one that I wouldn’t have notice while I was still sitting on his bed. But now that I was on his lap, his movements seemed to infatuate me.

My eyes grazed his body, trying to take in more small details. I’d admired Hamzah before, and noticed things the way he said “what are” (water), and how his cheeks puffed out when he was trying to keep himself from laughing, but those were just cute. The things I was noticing now were more than cute, they were erotic, and had me rubbing my thighs together.

His arms flexing, the way his long fingers typed at the keys, his hands just in general. I shifted a bit, trying to ease the sensation at my core.

I looked down, biting my lip as I saw Hamzah’s thighs.

It was the middle of summer, about 70 degrees all day long, so Hamzah had worn shorts. When he was sat, his shorts came up a bit, exposing even more of his thigh. I cursed under my breath, realizing how dirty what I was planning on doing truly was.

I adjusted myself, moving to where I was straddling his right thigh, and began dragging my aching core back and forth on him. I tried my best to go slow, not wanting to interrupt Hamzah’s editing time.

“You could’ve just told me if you were feeling needy, sweetheart.”

I paused my motions, looking back at him.

“Well don’t stop on my account. I do have a request though…”

Humming, I turned around so that I was now facing him. “Anything.”

“How about you take that skirt and these panties off, hm? I wanna feel that pussy on me.”

My jaw dropped a bit before I nodded vigorously, standing up and sliding the two articles off of me. I sat back down on his thigh, straddling him.

He was never this forward, and it was turning me on a bit too much.

“Much better,” he cooed. I bit my lip, beginning to move back and forth on him once again.

Hamzah was always the dominant one in the bedroom, but it was almost alarming to me how comfortable he was with this, and how quickly he took charge.

Smalls noises escaped my lips as I moved on him, chasing a release he wasn’t providing me himself.

His eyes were still on the screen, but flicked back to me every few seconds, watching as I pleased myself on him. I could tell he was struggling to not focus on me, but he had a point to prove and a video to edit. My cheeks burned, trying to ignore how humiliating this act truly was.

“Feel good?” He said in a husky voice. I nodded, continuing to move back and forth on him.

“You’re so needy for me baby. Couldn’t even wait for me to get finished editing, you just needed to get you off, hm?”

I whined in response.

He was getting an ego boost from this, but that didn’t make me want to stop.

“That’s it, make yourself feel good on my thigh. Be my good girl.”

Looking down at his shorts, I could see an evident tent forming at his crotch.

“Hamzah…” I whined, grinding down on him harder than usual.

He hummed, typing on his keyboard.

“Need your attention, please.”

Hamzah looked away from his computer, leaning down and kissing my lips. He pulled away, “I know baby, why don’t you finish on my thigh and I’ll give you all the attention in the world?”

His pupils were blown with lust, trailing my face. I nodded, and after a few seconds, I finished on his leg.

“There you go,” Hamzah encouraged, stroking my own exposed thigh with his thumb as I came down from my high.

I basically collapsed onto his chest, hiding my face in the crook of his neck.

“I liked that… a lot.” I mumbled, closing my eyes.

Hamzah smiled softly, “Me too, princess.”

I felt him stand up, holding onto my thighs as he picked me up with him. “Now let me take care of my girl.”

[darkficsyouneveraskedfor]

The Man 9

Warnings: non/dubcon, and other dark elements. My username actually says you never asked for any of this.

My warnings are not exhaustive but be aware this is a dark fic and may include potentially triggering topics. Please use your common sense when consuming content. I am not responsible for your decisions.

Character: mob!Lloyd Hansen

Summary: a demanding customer complicates more than your work life.

As usual, I would appreciate any and all feedback. I’m happy to once more go on this adventure with all of you! Thank you in advance for your comments and for reblogging ❤️

“Mr. Hansen,” you eke out as you pad after Lloyd. 

“Did I tell you to speak?” He grumbles. 

You walk with an arm across your chest and your other hand hiding your vee, “no, but I forgot my phone in the car--” 

“You don’t need it,” he tosses over his shoulder as he leads you to the staircase, the steps wide and polished. 

“Hm, guess I wouldn’t have pockets for it anyhow,” you comment as you follow him up, uncertain what else to do. 

He growls and says nothing else. You see the tension in his shoulders and clutching in his hand, balling and unballing at his side. He tilts his head slightly as if talking to himself, gesturing slightly in his unspoken monologue. He seems stressed. You might be too if you had a hostage. Hostage may be a generous term; you’re not worth much of a bargain. 

He pushes through a door so hard it nearly thwacks the wall behind it, stopped only by the resistance of the hinges. You stop in the doorway as he crosses the spacious office and nears the sleek glass top desk. You take in the decor, all of it shiny and modern. He’s got a good eye. Or hired somebody with one. 

He sits in the white leather chair and puffs, his feet set wide as he scowls. His arms drape over your sides and he narrows his sights at you. You try to make yourself smaller as your nakedness sets you on fire. 

“What the hell are you waiting for?” He snarls. 

You smile sheepishly and step inside slowly, “er, I’m wondering that too--” 

“Get over here,” he points between his knees. 

“Oh, okay,” you giggle nervously and cross to the desk, coming around stand beside him. 

“What the hell are you doing? Get underneath,” he flicks your arm and you wince with a hiss. “Gotta train that mouth right so let’s get going.” 

You furrow your brow and the corners of your mouth tug down. He’s so gross. He lifts his chin and stares up at your defiantly. 

“Got something to say, cause what I want you to do with that mouth has nothing to do with chatting, sweet lips,” he reaches up and drags a finger across your lips and pokes between them.

You turn away, swatting him as you back up.

“Hey,” snaps and points in your face, “watch yourself. The hard my dick gets, the thinner my patience.” 

You curl your lip and repress a shudder. You can still taste him. Gross. He didn’t even let you wash your mouth out. 

You reluctantly back up and tread around the other side of the desk. He leans back and undoes his fly. You hold your breath as you try to repress every comment that flits across your mind. It will all be easier if you just be quiet. Just get it over with. And it wasn’t that bad, the end was just a bit icky. 

You close your eyes and lower yourself with a tortured strain in your cheek. Stop thinking about it. If you don’t think and just do, then it won’t be so weird. You open your eyes to dip under the desk and crawl beneath the glass. 

He pumps himself with his hand and you grimace. You get closer, staring down his... little monster. Little... you suppose it’s a good size. I mean, he could be in one of those videos you’ve seen on the internet. And yet, some of the men you’ve seen in those aren’t exactly hunks. 

You gulp and snort through your nose. Stop. It’s not funny. It’s just weirdly flesh and the veins that stick out are distracting.  

He brings his other hand down to grab your chin and forces you closer with a growl. You nearly smack your head off the edge of the desk’s frame. 

“Laugh one more time,” he warns. 

You seal your lips as he aims his tip at your mouth. You make yourself open up and stretch around him. The sensation of his smooth, slightly ridged skin presses to your tongue, and he pushes you deeper. He hits your reflex and you twitch, letting out a gag. He holds you there and you kick your feet, clawing at his pants. 

He lets you up and shoves you back down. He drags you along his length as slobber smears around your mouth and you puff through your nose. The motion makes you dizzy and your throat burns as he forces his way in. 

Your hand drifts further up beneath his shirt and you feel the hard muscle of his stomach. A fleeting thought flickers in your mind as you spread your fingers wide across his middle. You try to slow him down but he’s relentless. 

You swirl your tongue around his tip as he eases you back and he flinches, letting out a whine. You do it again. It must feel good as his grip loosens on you. You drag your hand down and graze along a wrinkle in the top of his slack pants. He groans. 

Slowly you feel him relaxing. That’s better. The pressure in your neck lessens and you flutter your fingers along his hand. He lets go of his base and you brush along his sack. He grunts again, clutching the arms of the chair. You tickle as he squirms and grip his tightly. You’ve seen lots of videos. 

You stroke him in time with your mouth. You feel his control dissolving as you take over. For once in your life, you feel powerful. It’s like a joystick and you can make him do whatever you want. 

“Toots, hold on,” he breathes, “you’re gonna--- not again--” 

You stop and pop your lips off him abruptly. You angle your head to look at him through the desk and see how his cheek ticks and he furrows his nose. He sucks in air and holds it in. He lets out a drone. 

“Shit, you almost—almost got me,” he utters, “you gotta slow your roll, cheeks.” 

You slant your mouth and arch your brows. Suck my dick. Don’t suck my dick. Just like one minute, he hates you and the next he’s snatching you up. He’s as whimsical as a rainstorm.  

“Don’t give me that look,” he sighs and sits back again, “just--” he shows a palm, “slow. I wanna savour it, sweet lips. You should too.” 

[doodlenoodleboi]

A fellow Toasty lover I see...👀

Do you have any headcanons for them yourself, both general and within a relationship? I'm curious :3

Nakedtoster Headcanons!

◦ Toast loves Final Fantasy as everyone knows and because of that he’s becomes rather irresponsible with money when it comes to it. Buying the books, props and every single game.

◦ Toast and Xyx are the best of friends Toast can find your IP address and Xyx loves trolling people

◦ When Toast gets in a relationship and his significant other gets any type of hate online best believe Xyx is trolling them online, it’s a hobby of his.

◦ Toast owns a pair of pink cat ear headphones half as a joke and the other is because he likes cats and his hair is pink.

◦ Toast has been misgendered often in public because of his pink long hair.

◦ Toast comes off as the type to have a comfort game like, animal crossing, Minecraft, or Roblox.

◦ He doesn’t own many consoles he’s a PC and a Nintendo switch and maybe a Ds or something from when he was a kid.

◦ Toast is not against doing inherently feminine things like makeup and painting nails if you want to. He might not even take off the color off hid his nails because he’s too lazy.

◦ If you’re in a relationship with Toast he most likely sees you as a friend and a lover next.

◦ He would love it if you played Final Fantasy XV comrades with him and Xyx.

◦ He definitely wears those cringey shirts saying I left my video games for this not because he likes them but I they were gifts and couldn’t care less what he wears most of the time.

◦ If you have been with Toast long enough eventually he might dedicate a character In the games he makes to you.

◦ When it comes to dates with Toast they aren’t common given he is an introvert but you will be treated to snacks and Resident evil and the bad Final Fantasy movies he claims doesn’t do them justice yet but watches them anyways.

◦ Toast is the type of guy to go to comic con and other conventions, after all it’s hinted that he is a content creator with his Final Fantasy advertisement.

◦ He generally likes anything concerning Capcom for the most part and enjoys story more than combat.

◦ He can solve a Rubik cube no problem and rather good at puzzles of all sorts.

◦ I don’t know why but once again I see him as a monster energy drink consumer not so much on G fuel not even if he was payed.

◦ Toast can cook but only basic things like a proper breakfast and a sandwich dinner is a 100% on you or take out because even if he tried the food might be bland. He is willing to learn through.

◦ From what I can tell Toast dyed his hair he’s a natural blonde that dyed his eyebrows brown/black or he’s a brunette that has to bleach and dye his hair every so often. Whatever the case is, Toast would appreciate it when you help him with his hair.

◦ When it comes to you guys first kiss he is rather clumsy out of all the Blooming panic love interest I think he has the least romantic experience.

◦ Every year he allows you to pick out his glasses frames as he couldn’t care less what he picks through most of the time it remains the same and you’re just putting random frames on his face to see how they look.

◦ Toast doesn’t necessarily need glasses but he’s couldn’t see the writing on the board in the back of the class. He still wears them today to “enjoy the effort but into the games and graphic blah blah.” He doesn’t want to admit that he’s actually a bit blind.

◦ His favorite thing on would probably be a sundress (an actual sundress) or cosplay/ convention clothes.

◦ He loves the taste of Pepto-Bismol

◦ He does have back problems given his horrendous posture during gaming.

[a-small-batch-of-dragons]

Decay

hello everyone we're back!!! sorry it took me so long, i had to rattle this one around in my head for a while to get it on straight (heh)

this is my first time really writing leon's perspective so i hope it sounds okay!!!! i also hope it doesn't come off too mia bashing, that's not my intention at all, i just think what with leon's past with sherry he'd have a hard time reconciling mia's choices against his own priorities etc.

also rose sweetie i'm so sorry i'm giving you so many dysfunctional adult/parental figures i swear once ethan recovers a little more he'll be the other emotionally competent person here

Read on Ao3 Masterlist

Warnings: talk about infidelity, previous character death (it's ethan so he's fine now but still oof)

Pairings: mithan, lethan, winterfield

Word Count: 3799

They talked about Mia's new job, about how much they missed each other, about how proud they were of Rose. All the things normal couples would talk about. Then Ethan had sighed. "Mia," he says in a quiet voice, and Mia's mouth twitches. "Yes, Ethan?" "It's no use."

Out of all the things Leon expected from Chris’s call, suddenly being privy to what has to be the weirdest talk between husband and wife was not one of them. And yet, here he is, sitting in a sterile interrogation room with a buzzing light, a former bioterrorist, and a living mold colony assuming the shape of a former systems engineer.

Life is strange sometimes. He’s learned how to roll with the punches.

“You don’t have to do this,” Ethan had said when he came to escort him from his room—room, Chris had stressed, not a cell, even though it felt a whole lot like a cell and he’s pretty sure Ethan thought of it like that too—“I’m sure you have better things to do than babysit me while I try and talk to my…ex-wife? Former wife? Widow?”

Leon had snorted. “Are you kidding me? I’m missing my favorite soap opera, the least you could do is make up for it with your familial melodrama.”

He didn’t mention that he was the only person other than Chris himself who had the required clearance to be there, and even Chris-Emotional-Constipation-Redfield knew that was a bad idea. So, here they were.

At first, it'd just been a little bit awkward, watching Ethan so visibly relax when Mia came in. Mia too—like watching a soldier reunite with his wife after a long deployment in one of those videos with a slow love song playing in the background. Only this time they couldn't touch, separated by a sheet of bullet-proof glass, and talking through phones that made everyone sound like they were doing really bad Darth Vader impressions. They talked about Mia's new job, about how much they missed each other, about how proud they were of Rose. All the things normal couples would talk about.

Then Ethan had sighed.

"Mia," he says in a quiet voice, and Mia's mouth twitches.

"Yes, Ethan?"

"It's no use."

Her brow furrows for a split second before she forces a light laugh. "What's no use?"

"You know exactly what I'm talking about."

Her hand clenches and she drops it out of sight. "I really don't, Ethan."

"Yes, you do."

What's making this so much worse is that Ethan isn't angry. Leon's gaze flicks between them as Mia clearly wrestles with the words on the tip of her tongue but Ethan's just…sitting there. Then again, the man's died, what, three times at this point? It's not that surprising that nothing fazes him, but still…

"I mean, I don't know what I'm going to tell people," Mia says, tossing her hair over her shoulder with a brusque jerk of her chin, "I can't exactly explain Rose's father magically reappearing."

Ethan doesn't respond for a moment. She seems to take that as clearance to keep talking.

"I guess I could say you—woke up from a coma, or something, but everyone thinks you're dead. You've been gone for sixteen years, Ethan, it's not—it's not something we can just shrug off."

"'We?'"

"Yes, of course, 'we'," she huffs in a laugh, even as panic starts to cloud her eyes, "what are you talking about?"

Another pause. Then he sighs again. The sound rattles through the shitty phone. "Were you ever going to tell me?"

"About what?"

"About me. About Rose."

Mia swallows. "Ethan, I—"

"Did you know the whole time? Ever since Dulvey? Or did you figure it out along the way and just—keep it to yourself?"

Her hand trembles slightly on the phone. She tries to force back that light expression but Leon watches it begin to crack as they both stare at her. Her gaze darts to him a few times—what the fuck does she expect him to do?

"I felt you die," she whispers and yeah, okay, even Leon's chest lurches at that, "when—when Jack killed you, I felt it. And—and everything was so blurry, so hard to see through—through Eveline's mess that I thought—I thought I might've been remembering it wrong, or something else had happened, or it was just—just another one of her mind games but—"

She chokes on a sob and Ethan's fingers twitch toward the glass, the phone pressed tightly to his ear.

"—but then you were back. And—and you were just you and I thought—I thought it'd be over."

"And Rose?" Mia nods, her eyes squeezed shut as Ethan breathes out a curse. "That's why the pregnancy was so bad, wasn't it? You were—you were trying to fight the mold?"

"Don't blame yourself," Mia's saying as soon as Ethan's sentence finishes, reaching out to put her hand on the glass. After a moment, Ethan's hand presses back. "It wasn't your fault. It wasn't Rose's either, she—she's beautiful. Our baby girl…"

Something in Ethan's expression twitches. His hand slowly leaves the glass. A moment later, Mia's does too. They sit there in silence for a few moments before Ethan pinches the bridge of his nose. "I wish you would've told me."

Mia scoffs. "What good would it have done?"

"I would've known." The first hint of irritation flickers behind Ethan's words and Leon has a bad feeling about how the rest of this conversation is going to go. "I could've—I could've done something."

"What could you have done? Told Chris? He'd have us locked up like this years earlier," she says, gesturing around, "and then what? Would we have taken Rose, gone on the run?"

"Mia—"

"There was nothing you could've done, Ethan," and she says it like she's trying to be kind, but Ethan's shoulders keep getting tenser and tenser.

"It's funny."

"What is?"

"That's what people said when you went missing."

Mia goes still. Leon fights the urge to shift in his chair. Yep. Bad feeling. Here we go.

"They said there wasn't anything I could've done," Ethan continues, his voice still low, "that I was beating myself up for nothing. That you were gone, there wasn't anything I could do about it, that I should go ahead and try and move on as best I could with my life. What was left of it anyway. Then I got an email from you."

"Ethan…"

"And you know what, Mia? Turns out there was something I could do. There was a whole hell of a lot I could do."

"You died, Ethan!"

"Yeah. I did. Then I came back. And I did a pretty good job about that."

More than pretty good, Leon wants to add, but he holds his tongue.

"Do you ever think about what might've happened if you just told me? Before all this had to happen?"

"I don't want to talk about this, Ethan."

"You never want to talk about it. Any of it. That's the whole goddamn problem, Mia. You were at that farm for three years. I died. And you wanted to just move on as if nothing happened. But we couldn't. I couldn't. That wasn't fair."

Mia's fist clenches. Her face twists up. Leon takes a deep breath and holds it. "You have no idea what I went through there, Ethan. No idea."

"Because you never told me! I would've been there for you—"

"You couldn't have been! You would never understand!"

"What the hell are you talking about? I was there! I got infected too—Mia, you—"

"You were never supposed to be there!"

The room rings with her panting breaths. Both of their knuckles are white around the phones.

"You were never supposed to find out," she manages, "you were—it wasn't supposed to be like this. God, Ethan, you were supposed to be safe."

An old, old anger flares in Leon's chest. He takes a deep breath, tries to swallow it, but Ethan's talking again and he frantically tunes back in.

"—think was going to happen, Mia? It wasn't just going to be that easy, something was bound to happen at some point. Did you think I—didn't you trust me?"

"Of course I trusted you, Ethan."

"Really? Because it doesn't feel like it. You kept secrets from me, big secrets, Mia, you don't do that with someone you trust."

"What was I supposed to say? 'Hi, honey, no, I'm actually not babysitting this time, I'm escorting an experimental bioweapon across international waters? Don't come looking for me?'"

"Jesus Christ, Mia—"

"See? You wouldn't have understood!"

"I died for you, Mia!"

Mia's eyes widen. Ethan's chest heaves with the force of his shout. He makes himself take a deep breath and Leon forces himself to relax. Shit, this is so not his forte…

"I died for you," he says again, quieter this time. "I died and I came back for you. And I tried to be there for you, the whole time, like I was supposed to be, and you—you—"

Oh, God, no, don't let Ethan start crying. He has no idea what the fuck he's supposed to do if Ethan starts crying.

"You were my wife," and all three of them wince at the past tense, "was it so wrong for me to want you to be there for me?"

"I tried to be—"

"You didn't." Ethan doesn't even sound mad anymore, just exhausted. "You were too busy trying to keep the truth about me and Rose from me, from Chris, from everyone. Like if you pretended hard enough, everything would be okay. God, Mia, it was like—it was like you were the one who'd died."

Her face twists. "Is that why you went to Chris?"

Oh. Oh, God, oh, fuck. Give Leon an island full of bioweapons and trigger-happy mercenaries any day, do not make him deal with emotions involving Christopher fucking Redfield.

"What?"

"Don't play coy with me now, Ethan," Mia says, voice hardening, "did you really think I wouldn't notice?"

"Mia, what the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about how you and Chris were acting more like the married couple by the end of things than you and I were."

Then, something truly terrifying happens: Ethan Winters laughs.

It's not humorous. It's not happy. It's bordering on manic and utterly, utterly cold in a way that feels wrong for a person so fundamentally warm and it rings in Leon's ears. Even Mia looks shaken by it.

"You think I what, seduced Chris Redfield with my tragic bioweapon ass because you and I were fighting all the time? That's what you think happened?"

"Ethan—"

"Let's get one thing crystal goddamn clear: I never cheated on you. Not when you were missing, not when we were stuck in the compound, not once in Romania or any other hell hole the two of us got shoved in. I turned to Chris because I was fucking scared, Mia, and he was supposed to be keeping us safe, not because he made me feel wanted. The only person who's made me feel wanted in the past—well, I don't know how many years it's been now, but that's Karl fucking Heisenberg and he only wanted me to get to Rose so he could use her to kill Mother Miranda. You can accuse me of a lot of things, Mia, and I'll let you, but I was never unfaithful."

"That's not what I meant, Ethan," Mia tries, but Ethan's already shaking his head.

"It's exactly what you meant, Mia. You think you're the only one who noticed things changing? You wanna know how I knew something was wrong that day? Miranda kissed me. And you hadn't wanted to touch me in months."

Leon can't stop himself from shifting. That's—holy fuck, that's sad in a whole new way. Seriously. He won't even ask for a gun, give him a knife and a virus outbreak, not—not whatever the fuck this is turning into.

Even though part of him really wants to put his hand on Ethan's shoulder right now.

"Chris was your friend," Mia says quietly—shit, he got lost in thought again— "and he was…it seemed like it was so easy for you to…to talk to him."

"I wanted to talk to you, but it…it felt like we were always fighting whenever I tried. Chris was—" he huffs— "he wasn't my friend, but he was…there."

Now both Mia's and Leon's brows twitch. "He was, Ethan, he was your friend—"

"No, no, he wasn't. He made that very clear."

Mia's gaze flicks to Leon's—he'd been half hoping they'd forgotten he was there, to be honest—and he just remembers the day he'd met Ethan Winters, before everything went to shit. Finding him alone on the mats, weeping, like he'd—

Well, like he'd just had his heart broken.

Some of that must show on his face because Mia's expression hardens with a distant anger—one he's worn himself from time to time, thank you, Chris—before it deliberately softens again. "I'm sorry, Ethan. I'm so sorry. For everything."

"I know. I'm sorry too."

She shakes her head. They sit in silence for a few more moments. "Where…where do we go from here?"

Ethan sighs. "Well, I think it's back to being poked and prodded by scientists for me. I'm not letting them take Rose away from me again."

"I don't think Chris'll let that happen."

"Yeah, let's hope so." There's a pause, then he huffs a laugh. A real one this time. "I was just thinking: Rose said once that she wouldn't let anyone try and stop us from talking 'cause I was her emotional support mold dad—"

Mia laughs at that too. Even Leon manages to crack a smile.

"—and now I'm imagining her explaining that to Chris with a straight face—"

"—and him not knowing what that means?" Mia finishes. "You know, sometimes she says things—the kids and their slang, I can't keep up anymore."

"Oh, I gave up trying. Now I just embarrass her with how bad I am at using it."

They laugh again, and Leon is going to get whiplash with how back and forth the emotions are here. Judging by the way Mia's smile is slowly growing sadder, she is too.

"How did we get here," she asks, mostly rhetorical, "how did it end up like this? We were…we were happy, weren't we?"

"We were," Ethan says, just as softly, "I was happy, Mia."

"Why can't we be happy again?"

"It's like the vows said: 'till death do us part."

Mia laughs, though it's through a sob, and Ethan does too. Now they're both just looking at each other, and then Ethan murmurs I love you, and Mia says I love you too, and—

"Alright," the BSAA guard at the door says, "that's time."

Mia stands up, smiling at Ethan, nodding at Leon, and leaves through the door. Ethan doesn't move until the door closes again, sagging in the chair with his head in his hands. Leon glances up, seeing another BSAA guard approaching their side of the door and holds up a hand. The guard pauses.

Ethan takes several deep breaths, each a little steadier than the last, before he pushes himself up with a tired smile.

"So," he says, "better than your soap opera?"

"Hell of a lot more interesting, that's for sure." He jerks his head toward the door. "You need another minute, or…?"

"No, I'm good. Thanks for being here."

Leon swallows. "No problem."

The guard steps away as soon as they're out into the hall. They walk for a few minutes before Ethan says, "Leon? Is it okay if we go outside for a second?"

"Sure. This way." They go to one of the little courtyards in the middle of the compound and Ethan immediately sits down on one of the benches, head tipped back like he hasn't seen the sun since…well, yeah, no, actually that makes sense. "You wanna just…sit here for a bit?"

"Yeah, if that's cool with you."

"I've got nowhere else to be."

And see, now, here's the problem: Leon would love to try and forget about everything he just heard. It isn't any of his business, hell, it's probably so far not his business that he shouldn't have been there in the first place, but now…now he's kind of emotionally invested.

This is why he just watches crappy soap operas that he doesn't tell anyone else about.

"What?"

"Huh?"

Ethan smiles blandly at him. "You're…kind of staring at me."

Shit. "Sorry. Just…lost in thought."

He chuckles. "You can ask if you want to."

"It's your business."

"Yeah, well, you just got a front row seat to the season three finale without being there for seasons one and two, so, you can ask." He shifts, leaning back against the bench more. "Figured it's the least I can do."

Leon frowns but puts a pin in that one. He may be slightly better at this whole having-emotions thing than Chris, but he's under no delusions that he's good at it. "How'd the two of you meet?"

Ethan lights up like it's goddamn Christmas when he tells the story and it sounds like every single rom-com in the world. Boy meets girl, they have a few sweet dates, there's a funny story here and there about office parties that don't go completely according to plan, and then they get married. Leon's chest clenches as he listens and yeah, maybe he didn't fully grasp the scope of what Chris meant when he said that Ethan was a good man, that he didn't deserve it—because no one ever deserves the type of shit Ethan's been through, but holy fuck, this man's like a goddamn golden retriever.

"Why didn't you leave?"

Shit. Way to fucking go, Kennedy.

Ethan tilts his head. "What do you mean?"

"When you got to the Baker Farm and you realized it was…"

"Fucked up?"

"Yeah."

And just like that, he deflates, something dark washing over his expression. "I couldn't. I couldn't leave, not when I knew Mia was there."

And the thing is, he gets it. He's about to tell Ethan how much he gets it when Ethan shakes his head and looks up at him with this self-deprecating smile.

"Pathetic, right?"

"You're not pathetic, Ethan. You're a damn good man."

"Careful, you say things like that too much, I might start to believe you."

See, now, that's the other thing. And judging by the way Ethan's suddenly avoiding his gaze, he's gonna guess that frown he'd tried to keep off his face made it there anyway.

"Sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's okay." He looks away, shifting to knock their legs together. "So. Karl Heisenberg, huh?"

If he was hoping for a way to break the dull mood, he failed. Miserably. "Everything in that village hated me. The lycans wanted to eat me, Lady Dimitrescu and her daughters hated me because I was a stupid manthing—" Leon tries not to snort at that— "Beneviento and Moreau were—and the Duke, I don't even know what the fuck his deal was, but he wasn't—the point is, only Heisenberg actually talked to me like a person for half a second. And as soon as I told him Rose wasn't a weapon, I was gone. It shouldn't even have meant anything, but Mia was dead—or so I thought, and Chris had been the one to shoot her and take Rose from me—and Rose was in pieces and I—"

"Hey, hey," Leon says, his hand on Ethan's shoulder before he realizes what he's doing, "hey, Ethan…"

Ethan bows his head, taking a deep breath. When he lifts his head again, his eyes are wet, and there's a lump in Leon's throat. "Is it wrong that I still love her?"

Well. Remember that shit he said about not being prepared for this?

"Sorry," he mumbles a second later, "you—you really don't have to answer that."

"How much has Chris told you about me?"

Ethan glances at him. "Not much."

"Has he ever mentioned Sherry Birkin?"

Ethan shakes his head, a furrow between his brows and suddenly Leon's telling him about Sherry. About wanting to be a cop in Raccoon City, about finding Claire—"Wait, Chris has a sister?"—and Sherry, and making a deal to keep her safe. Ethan listens, concern and sympathy engraved into his expression, reaching out to put a hand on Leon's shoulder when it takes him a second to get the words out, and he has no idea what the fuck he's doing or why he's telling Ethan this when he should be the one comforting the other man, and before he knows it he's talking to Ethan like they're old friends, and he doesn't know what's going on and all he knows is that Ethan Winters is a fucking unicorn.

"I'm sorry," he says, and there's not a trace of that weird curling in his gut that he normally gets when people tell him that, "that really sucks, buddy."

He blows out a short breath. "Yeah, I guess it does."

They sit in silence for a while. The wind is cool, not cold. The sun passes behind a few clouds and re-emerges.

"I've never told anyone all of that," he says suddenly, "not really."

"Well, I promise I'm good at keeping secrets." Leon huffs a laugh. "Hey, Leon?"

"Yeah?"

"I know this is weird, and it's—I'm not expecting you to say yes, okay, but…do you think we could be friends?"

Leon turns to look at him. Ethan just smiles back, a little awkward, but painfully earnest. He tries for a smile and finds it comes rather easily. "Yeah, Ethan. We can be friends."

That smile turns genuine so quickly it makes his head spin. He tips his head back to enjoy the sunshine again, a weight falling off his shoulders and Leon can't help but stare. In the back of his mind, he can't help but wonder what Mia Winters was thinking, even though he knows that's a dangerous road to walk down—one he's steered Chris away from a number of times too. But he looks at Ethan and all he can see is another blond trying to keep a child safe and…well, he's never been a saint.

"Ethan?"

"Yeah?"

"I won't let them take Rose away from you either."

Ethan looks at him, eyes wide, and nods. "Thank you, Leon."

He can't say much of anything else, so he just nods back. Then Ethan's looking over his shoulder like he's expecting someone to come out and sure enough, jogging over is Rose with Chris trailing behind her. Ethan stands up and catches her in an exuberant hug, spinning her around until she laughs. He catches Chris's eye over their shoulders and nods.

Fuck it. He's in.

[differenteagletragedy]

would you be ever so kind as to spare some OL2 headcanons or crumbs 🤲🤲

If you don’t wanna write for OL2 then OLBA is just as amazing!!!!!!

Hi! I will eventually write for OL2 I'm sure, but I haven't gotten through the demo yet! Right now I'm at the beginning of the first day of school -- I keep getting pulled back into the first one because it has such a chokehold on me lol.

But I was writing these for OLBA so I'll put them here! Thank you!!!

-- Do you like trashy reality shows? Good for you. Cove's not really into it, but he'll watch with you if you want him to. Derek can definitely have some fun with it. But Baxter turns into a monster.

MC answering their phone: Hey, what's up?

Baxter: DID YOU SEE, *this person* from *this show* got arrested.

MC: Aren't you supposed to be working?

Baxter: I saved the mug shot to my photos, I am sending it to you via text right now.

(Client in the background complaining)

Baxter: I do have to get off the phone now, but if you hear anything else call the office and tell them it's an emergency, they'll put you through to me.

-- If you go the Derek romance route, I think you make out once in high school. Because hormones, you've crushed on each other for years, and like it just happens. And then after he's very unwell, he keeps apologizing, and either your really shy and nervous about it or like "no it's ok, that was nice," but either way he's like "HAVE TO GO, TTYL." He doesn't talk to you for a little bit but then feels bad.

MC: Derek, I like you in a romantic way. I want you to be my boyfriend. I liked kissing you and I want to kiss you again.

Derek: Haha that was crazy, so how's school going?

-- Derek is good with cars. Big muscles make car go vroom.

Like there would have been a time when you got a flat tire and you either didn't know how to change it or blanked on what Cliff told you (Cliff taught you how to change a tire, no questions) and called him like "help" and he dropped everything and drove to wherever you were to change it for you.

-- He's also good with mechanical fixes, and just with his hands in general. Is your sink messed up? Call Derek. Some issue with your stove? Call Derek. Creaky door? You already know. (You have to do stuff for him too though, that's the rules).

-- Back to Cliff though, you know those videos of men like "I'm going to teach you some dad stuff" for people who grew up without dads? That's Cliff. Obviously your moms are amazing, but Daddy Cliff is going to step in too sometimes.

-- Cliff teaching MC how to tie a tie, just imagine.

-- Baxter goes home alone after Miranda's birthday party/the second party for him and finishes off that bottle of champagne because he knows that summer's almost over and he's going to do A Bad Thing and he hates himself.

-- Honestly it hurt my feelings so much at the end of Step 3 lol, like I was genuinely taken aback by his goodbye scene. Asking MC why they'd keep talking when he couldn't give them rides anymore like that's all they were interested in, the audacity.

-- Cove has the whole game, he's gonna be ok, we're talking about other people this time.

-- In adulthood, MC looks back at that time they learned their birth parents died when they were a baby, had a quick breakdown then went back home and did a musical performance for their family as one of the cringiest moments of their life (I'm not using second person this time because I don't want to sound judgey but LOL come on). They'll tell Derek about it later on when they're together and he'll be like "aww, that sounds sweet," and Baxter will be nice about it too, but he'll also have some comments to make.

Baxter: Darling, my plant at the office seems to be dying, could you perhaps do a song and dance number to ease my pain?

MC: Shut uuuuuup.

-- Last week gb patch made a post on Patreon with a new sketch for OLNF with wedding planner Baxter, so like the oldest Baxter we'll see in cannon, and he was wearing a cream turtleneck, a purple overcoat, and what looked to me to be a peach colored gingham suit. So by the time he gets to be like 40, his fashion sense is going to be off the rails. He's going to call you and be like "I just went shopping, I hope you like my new look," and come home like:

[daddyyy88]

Lo’ak x Omaticaya!reader

if you’d like you can reblog my original work, but please don’t post it without credit. if you take inspiration from my ideas please tag me, I’d like to see how someone else would write it

word count: 8.7k

warnings: mentions of death, mentions of infection, smut, readers mom dies, ?

summary: honestly I have no idea what this is it was supposed to be a small little blurb about Lo’ak talking to Kiri about his crush on y/n and then this happened…it’s basically a story of how Lo’ak x reader’s relationship started

anything in bold like this in the middle of a sentence means it’s either Na’vi or meant to be in Na’vi but I don’t trust the translation websites so I just use the few words I know and make do with it💀

sorry this took sooo long! I’m on spring break and I kinda took a break cause I’ve been feeling a little out of it and I think I’m gonna fulfill a request and then continue taking a break. I’m not sure yet, just feeling kinda lazy lately 🤷‍♀️

You and Kiri had been inseparable for years. You had a similar situation to her, your father died when you were young and your mother had been very overwhelmed with the loss of her mate and taking care of a young child and it made her sick, and she is still very sick to this day.

You understood what it felt like to feel like a freak, like you’re not like everyone else. You’d always been secretly jealous of her, though. She got a second chance at having a family with the Sullys. Your mother was too weak to even speak some days, and had spent most of the last year in a healers tent.

You knew your mother was going to join Eywa soon, and it had been bringing you down lately. Kiri noticed you didn’t come to see her as much, and you always seemed like you had been crying. She felt terrible for you, although her biological mother was unresponsive and for all intents and purposes dead, at least she could watch all those videos and get to spend time with her avatar body in the pod.

“Hey…is y/n okay?” Lo’ak asked Kiri. She looked up from the top she was making for Neytiri since hers was starting to become worn out. She sighed and said “she’s a strong girl, she will make it through this”

“What is “this”? No matter who I ask, no one will tell me what is troubling her” he said and Kiri looked down. She sighed softly and whispered “y/n’s mom is dying. She has been for years, after her father died she couldn’t take care of herself and y/n and it started to make her sick, and then she got hurt while hunting once and it got infected. It’s been 3 years, and Mo’at said she doesn’t have much time. She cannot walk at all or even sit up anymore, she can barely talk, she can only drink her meals and she’s always sleeping. She’s all y/n has left, so it’s really hard on her”

“No…no, no the great mother would never do that to her,” Lo’ak said, shaking his head. Kiri bit her lip and said “I’m sorry Lo’ak. If there’s anybody who wishes different for her it’s me” “why hasn’t she told anyone?” He asked and Kiri wiped a tear away.

“She just doesn’t want anyone to pity her and force her into being with her mom all the time. It’s why she hasn’t hunted in so long, she wants to be there when she passes but it’ll kill her to truly watch her wither away so agonizingly” Kiri said softly, sniffling a little.

She felt so bad for you. She couldn’t imagine truly watching her mother die. “I-Is she okay? How is she doing? Do you think I should bring her some food or something?” He asked and Kiri chuckled.

“Why do you care so much, penis face? You got a crush?” She asked, trying to lighten the mood. Lo’ak shook his head and said “ugh, shut up Kiri” “oh my god, you do! You’ve got a crush on my best friend! Ew!” She said and laughed, making Lo’ak blush hard.

She kept nagging him until he finally said “fine, I like her! I really freaking like her!” “Oh my god, no way! Good luck trying to get her to fall in love with you!” She said and giggled. Lo’ak sighed and said “shut up! I see you drooling every time you even hear Ketu’s name!”

“She’s too pretty for you anyways! Penis face!” She said and Lo’ak blushed. He chuckled and said “Prettier than you!” She gasped and threw a vine she cut off from the top earlier at him. She shook her said “so what do you like about her?”

“Stop, Kiri” he said and groaned. She smiled and said “come on, tell me!” “I just…well I liked her smile at first. A-And I thought she was pretty” he said softly, fiddling with a bracelet you gifted him for his birthday.

“Anddd?” Kiri said, giggling. Lo’ak groaned and said “you’re so annoying” “ugh, whatever. Just don’t try to really go for her right now. She’s hurt, and she’s gonna need time to heal when she loses her mom. It would help if you were there to comfort her though, don’t you think?” Kiri said and he nodded.

What they didn’t know, was that you were coming to talk to Kiri just a few seconds after Lo’ak and heard the entire conversation. You blush slightly, dry tears from thinking about your mom staining your skin.

You rustled the leaves and then shook the flap of the tent to get their attention. “Hey, can I come in?” You asked, wiping your face to get rid of the evidence of tears.

You came in and sat between Lo’ak and Kiri, talking like everything was normal. You could see Lo’ak staring at you from the corner of your eye, and Kiri not so secretly mocking him.

You noticed Lo’ak trying to be around you more often, bringing you gifts and food. It made you fall for him even harder.

You had just gotten ready for your birthday celebration, you had gotten quite dressed up since you hadn’t gotten a chance to do that in a while and you wanted to feel beautiful tonight.

Your mother was getting worse and worse. You knew she had mere weeks, maybe even days left. You just wanted a distraction. It had been 3 months since you overheard Lo’ak talking to Kiri. Things had changed quite a bit.

2 weeks after that, he confessed that he’d been so kind because he knew about your mother. You cried softly as you thanked him for not judging you or treating you like glass. Sure he’d been bringing you gifts and sort of taking care of you, but he wasn’t actually treating you differently.

You confessed that you knew about Lo’ak’s feelings and even though he was terrified, he made sure you knew how he truly felt. “I…I-I really like you, y/n. I know we’re not the closest but I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re…you’re an amazing woman and any man in the clan would be lucky to have you, but I really want to be that man. O-Oel ngati kameie, y/n” he said and you instantly began to cry more.

You hugged him, crying into his chest softly. You ended up kissing him for the first time that night, promising yourself to him. He told you you didn’t have to, and that he knew you weren’t in the best place right now. You didn’t care, you knew then and there that Lo’ak was the one. Just for good measure, Atokirina made its way over to the two of you. Eventually, there were Atokirina lining up and down each other's arms to your joint hands, making him realize you were telling the truth.

Your relationship blossomed into something beautiful, trully. Neytiri and Jake loved you even more, you kept Lo’ak in line and made him really happy. Kiri pretended she was disgusted but she was glad you had someone to take care of you and love you and she trusted that her brother was the perfect person for you.

Now, you were celebrating your 20th birthday and you looked divine. Your hair was let down from the signature braids you usually wore, you had a few framing your face and forming a beautiful crown that eventually came together and was held by a beautiful blue flower. You made yourself a new top and loincloth, the top accentuating your breasts more than you thought and making Lo’ak drool over you all night. Your loincloth matched, with similar sage green stones you’d found by a river added across the covering and you even made matching waist beads and other jewelry. You really went all out this year.

Lo’ak thought you looked absolutely stunning. He truly believed Eywa had perfected you herself, he felt so lucky to be the man you wanted most.

You spent the morning flying your ikran with Lo’ak and the afternoon with your mother, she seemed to be getting stronger out of nowhere, she ate a little bit of your breakfast and even held a conversation with you for a bit. She was so proud of the woman you’d become, and loved the outfit you made for your birthday.

“What do you think, ma sa’nok?” You asked her, twirling to show the full outfit including your hair. She smiled and said “nífrakrr, lenrra, ‘itetsyìp” (as always, proud, little daughter). You smiled as well, sitting next to her and holding her hand. You kissed it softly and said “I wish you could be at the celebration tonight, mother”

“Don’t worry, my daughter. I want you to celebrate yourself, and your achievements tonight. Promise me you’ll tell me all about it in the morning, yes?” She said with a wink. You blushed softly, she was encouraging you to take it further with Lo’ak constantly. You shook your head and said “promise,”

Lo’ak came in and said “oel ngati kameie, Mäti” and gestured towards your mother. She smiled and said “za’u, ‘evengan” (come, boy). He sat on the other side of her, grabbing her hand softly. She sighed and said “make sure she has fun tonight”

“Nìlun,” (of course) Lo’ak promised. He looked at you and smiled as he said “you look very, beautiful, my love. Someone might steal you from me tonight” You blushed softly, thanking him. Of course he brought your mother some berries that his mother had left over from lunch as well as matching flowers to put in both of your hair.

You loved how much he cared for your mother. It made you feel lucky, and you know if something ever happened to you you had the best mate possible to comfort you. She eventually forced you out to go celebrate and smiled as she watched the two of you giggle as you ran out.

Mo’at was visiting everyone in the tents to check up on them. That’s when she realized it. “Mäti…I know you know why you feel better” she said and Mäti looked away. She sighed and said “No…no, no please please do whatever you have to do. I can’t do that to her. She is finally feeling happy with that boy, and it’s her birthday, Mo’at”

“It is not under our control. I’m so sorry, Mäti…..I tried, I really tried” Mo’at told her, holding her hand.

“Y/n!” Tuk said as she ran to you. You smiled and picked her up, twirling her around. You kissed her head and she giggled, playing with the new feathers you put in your hair. “You look so pretty!” She said and you thanked her.

“What a fine young woman in my tent, someone should claim her as theirs soon, don’t you think Ma Jake?” Neytiri said, shoving Lo’ak slightly. He rolled his eyes and you blushed softly, looking down. Jake winced at his mate’s bluntness. He chuckled and said “I see you have chosen a mate for Lo’ak”

He spoke cautiously, knowing she was getting annoyed with how long he had taken to find someone. Now all she wants is for the two of you to mate so you keep him in line and make him happy.

“You guys are so annoying. Tell her Happy Birthday” Lo’ak said, trying to stop from blushing and cursing his tail for giving away how excited he was thinking about the two of you mating. He wrapped it around your thigh, pulling you a little closer.

You spent some time with them, but as eclipse began it was time to begin the celebrations. You feasted and enjoyed delicious meat prepared by Jake and a few of the other men in the clan and some other dishes Neytiri and Mo’at made for you.

You danced for hours, sometimes with Lo’ak but then Kiri and Tuk wanted to steal you. Lo’ak smiled as he watched you. You looked gorgeous. And you were so goddamn happy. He wished he could stay in this moment forever.

“Lo’ak, come!” You said, grabbing his hand. You two had been dancing to this particular beat since you were kids. You were always friends, even if you weren’t best friends you still hung out solely with him every now and then before you began dating. Dancing to this beat was your very own special thing you had with each other.

You smiled as you both remembered the steps and everything. You could see his fangs as he grinned boyishly, his eyes lit up with love and adoration for you. Neytiri and Jake cheered you on, making you both laugh as you realized everyone was watching.

As soon as it was over, he pulled you into his arms and you sighed, resting your head on his chest. Neteyam wolf whistled making everyone laugh, well those who knew what it meant anyways.

“Look at you, skxawng” He said and shoved him jokingly. Lo’ak shook his head and said “shut up, you’re just jealous!” You giggled and said “stop it, Lo’ak. Enough bickering with your brother. Be nice. God, if this is how you and Neteyam are I wonder how our kids will behave”

You didn’t realize how big of a comment you’d made. Our kids. You wanted kids with him? You wanted him to father your children? He felt so lucky, so grateful. He recovered quickly, laughing about it and kissing your head.

Another hour or so and you two ran off so you could do something you’d done every year since you could remember. “Utral Aymokriyä?” Lo’ak asked and you chuckled. You nodded and said “I like to listen to my fathers voice every year…this year I’m also listening for grandmother and grandfather as well since my mother can’t come and listen herself”

“You’re so sweet” he said and caressed your cheek, pecking your lips softly. You chuckled and grabbed his hand, running over to the tree. You smiled and connected your kuru to the tree. You chuckled as you heard the voices of your ancestors, closing your eyes.

Lo’ak hugged you from behind, caressing your waist softly. “Do you ever come here?” You asked after you disconnected from the tree. Lo’ak shrugged and said “sometimes. It’s never been a big priority for me, although maybe it should seeing as it makes you so happy”

You shook your head and he grabbed his kuru, connecting it to the tree. He hummed, listening to the voices as he felt your tail caress his back. You kissed his shoulder, resting your head on his arm.

He disconnected and smiled down at you. You smiled, pulling away. You twirled through the glowing vines and ran your hands over them. “You’re so gorgeous…” he said as he watched you, making you stop and blush.

He walked over and said “I’m serious. You’re as perfect as it gets, y/n. Eywa really outdid herself creating you” You looked away, embarrassed. He loved everything about you, but if there was one thing he could change it would be your reluctance to accept his compliments.

“My love, I am serious. Eywa, you look incredible tonight. I can barely keep myself together on a regular day, tonight has just made me crazy for you” he said and cupped your cheeks, pressing your foreheads together. You felt something pressing against your lower stomach and you looked down, realizing it was him.

“Shit- I’m sorry,” he said and pulled away, turning around and clearing his throat. You hugged him from behind and said “don’t hide it from me…I want to know how I make you feel” “y/n…no, no we must wait” he said and took a deep breath as you started to touch him over his loincloth.

You kissed his arm and said “it’s my birthday, Lo’ak. Shouldn’t the birthday girl get what she wants?” “Y/n…” he said and cleared his throat. You moved so you were facing him, looking up at him as you were nearly a foot shorter.

He took a deep breath, his gaze dropping from your eyes to your plump lips, then your breasts. He quickly regained himself, looking you in the eye. You licked your lips, placing your hands on his chest. You bit your lip and said “please, Ma Lo’ak. I want you”

He cupped your cheeks and kissed you softly, gently placing a hand on your waist. You pulled away after a few moments, smiling at him. He tapped your thigh and you jumped up, wrapping your legs around his hips.

He bent down, laying you gently on the ground. “I want to be mated to you forever, Lo’ak” you said and he smiled. He tucked your hair behind your ear and kissed you again.

“Oel ngati kameie” he said against your lips. You smiled and flipped the two of you over, kissing down his neck as you caressed his biceps. He rested his hands on your hips and you smiled through the kiss.

You pulled away, panting softly. You pressed your forehead against his and said “Oel ngati kameie” Eywa, the way you said it nearly had him ruining his loincloth.

You reached back and grabbed your braid, bringing it forward. The pink tendrils twitching and searching for something to connect to. He took a deep breath and you could tell he was really nervous.

“We don’t have to…I’ll wait as long as I have to for you” you said and he blushed. Atokirina slowly surrounded you, seemingly dancing in the circle and a few others flew around the two of you. He nodded, trusting Eywa and especially trusting you.

He brought his braid forward and made tsaheylu with you, closing his eyes. You gasped, a small whimper coming out. You placed a hand on his chest, keeping yourself upright as you felt something…euphoric.

You could feel Lo’ak’s heartbeat, his breath. You sense how nervous yet excited he was. You could hear his thoughts as well. “Oh Eywa,” he whispered, opening his eyes. You breathed shakily as you gulped and opened your eyes.

He smiled up at you and you smiled back. You shook your head and said “I’m so in love with you,” “I know. I can feel it” he said and you teared up a little. You could too. You could feel how his heart swelled with adoration, him thinking about making you feel amazing and cuddling under the stars with you afterwards.

You slowly worked your top off, making his eyes widen. Sure he had accidentally seen them a few times as the tops the Omaticaya women wore weren’t exactly the best at actually covering them, but oh my god they were even better fully bare and up close.

“Y-Y/n…” he said, looking up at you. You smiled and said “yes…” “you’re so beautiful” he said softly, his eyes dropping to your breasts again. He kissed your left boob softly, trailing kisses towards the valley of your breasts and then your right boob.

You moaned a little as he kissed your nipple, threading a hand through his hair. “You’re beautiful, Lo’ak” you said and he whined as he suckled a hickey onto your boob.

“Baby…” he groaned, squeezing your hips slightly. You chuckled and kissed his head, removing your arm band. He was lost between your boobs, not a single thought going through his head besides you. You moaned softly when he suckled directly on your nipple, kitten licking it and making you moan even more.

When he was done you were already a mess, loincloth nearly soaked, flushed cheeks, panting a little. He smirked and untied his loincloth, revealing a third leg. You didn’t think he’d be that big. Sure you’d caught glimpses here and there of him but he was still covered by the loincloth.

And sure, he seemed like he was packing decently but this was crazy. He was really thick too, you could probably get your entire hand around him but barely. You gasped when it bobbed and right under your breasts, your eyes widened and he chuckled at your reaction.

“What’s wrong?” He asked knowingly. You looked at him and then back at his cock, unable to keep your eyes off of it. It was pretty, just like him. “I-It…you’re too big, Lo’ak, th-there's no way that’s going to fit” you said and he chuckled.

He kissed you softly and said “we’ll make it fit. Promise. Last thing I want to do is hurt you” You nodded and he smiled and caressed your cheek. His tail slowly wrapped itself around your thigh making you blush a little.

He helped you remove your loincloth but stopped you from taking off your waist beads, Eywa they just accentuate your figure so nicely. He kissed you softly and slowly trailed his hand down to your pussy gathering your slick and teasing a finger at your entrance.

You bit your lip and sighed shakily, moaning softly when he massaged your clit with his thumb. You whimpered, clenching as you ached to be full. “Lo’ak…I need more,” you pleaded, pawing at his chest.

He squeezed your thigh with his other hand and slipped a finger in, slowly thrusting it and seeing how it made you feel. You breathed shakily, leaning down to kiss him. “More,” you whispered against his lips and his cock twitched, you drove him fucking crazy.

“Baby…” he said and you whimpered. He slipped another finger in and warmth blossomed between your legs as you gushed around him with need. He smiled and thrusted his fingers a few times before curling them to find your g spot.

When he could feel the intensified pleasure through tsaheylu and your gasp accompanied with a loud moan, he knew he had found it. “Oh…oh Eywa,” you moaned, placing a hand on his chest and pressing down slightly as he worked you to an orgasm as fast as he could.

“Feels good?” He asked, he could already feel it through tsaheylu but he wanted to hear it from you. You whimpered and nodded, gasping softly as he went faster. You buried your head into his chest, your cunt clenching as you rocked your hips slightly against his skillful fingers.

“Can feel you squeezin my fingers. That good, princess?” He asked and you took a deep breath as you started to feel that tingly feeling in your lower belly. “Lo’ak!” You moaned when he started rubbing your clit harder.

You looked so beautiful above him, pussy clenching around his fingers. Moaning his name. It did something to him, and made him go crazy. You whimpered as he abused your most sensitive spots, already bringing you to an orgasm faster than you ever have yourself and it’s only the first time.

“Lo’ak, ohh it feels so good!” You moaned and he smiled. He lifted your head and kissed you, your legs beginning to shake. You whimpered and pulled away, moans filling the surrounding forest around you as your breath became heavy and fast.

Tears filled your eyes as you said “I’m cumming- I- I- ahh!” You came harder than you ever have before, barely able to hold yourself up anymore. Lo’ak smiled as you started to squirt, your eyes shut hard and your jaw dropping.

“Yes, my love… just like that, you look so beautiful” he said and you whimpered, gasping at it only seemed to get more and more intense. “Ohh! Lo’ak, baby…” you moaned, resting your head in the crook of his neck.

He rubbed your back softly and said “you okay, sweetheart?” You just moaned in response as you felt him slip his fingers out. He chuckled and popped them in his mouth, sighing happily through his nose as he tasted your sweet slick.

You whimpered and sat up, hovering right over his dick before he stopped you. “Hey, hey are you sure? You just- y-you just c-came kinda hard- a-at least I think you did- maybe you should take a second,” he said and you chuckled.

“You made me feel things I have never felt before, Lo’ak. That is why I want to try and do the same for you. Do you not want this?” You said and he took a deep breath. Through tsaheylu, you knew he wanted it but something else was bothering him, you couldn’t quite tell.

“I don’t know I’m…I’m scared” he said and you sighed. You sat on his upper thighs as you cupped his cheeks and said “we are already together for life now, we do not have to make love tonight”

“No- n-no it’s- we will” he said and sat up, trying to force you up so he could slip it in. You stopped him, holding yourself down as you said “hey- hey! Why are you scared?” “I’m not anymore. You are my mate…for life, y/n. Eywa has shown us that we are meant for each other, there is no reason to be scared” he said and you smiled.

You caressed his cheek and slowly lifted your hips up, allowing him to line himself up at the entrance. “Go slow…don’t hurt yourself” he said and you nodded. You slowly sunk down on the tip, gasping softly as your pussy clenched. You already felt so full and not even ⅓ of his dick was in yet.

He was going to ask if it hurt but he could feel through tsaheylu that it was actually quite the opposite. He chuckled, going to kiss you but being hit with an amazing feeling as you clenched around him. “O-Ohh…” he said, his hands on your waist tightening as his cock twitched.

“Can- c-can I do more?” You asked and he nodded. You took a deep breath and sunk down more, a moan escaping your lips. He groaned and said “shit…” “Eywa, you’re huge” you said, almost all the way but it was getting to be too much so you stopped again.

He smirked and you rolled your eyes, clenching around him. His eyes widened and he let out a loud moan, squeezing your waist hard. You lifted yourself up and sunk all the way down, his balls pressing up against your ass.

He grunted and you breathed shakily, you were overwhelmed by how full you were, and feeling Lo’ak’s pleasure too just heightened it even more. “You’re…you’re incredible” he said, chuckling.

You kissed him softly, slowly beginning to make out. You lifted yourself up and sunk back down, making him break the kiss. He pressed his forehead to yours, grunting softly. “Feel so full…full of you” you whimpered, placing a hand on his upper chest.

He kissed you quickly, you then started to go faster and none of you could hold back your moans. He cupped your cheek and caressed it softly, trailing his hand down to your clit and rubbing it softly. You gasped, a shaky moan coming out.

You didn’t think he’d know where it was, you’d heard other women in the clan talk about their mating stories and assumed you’d have to teach him basically everything. “Ahh! Lo’ak, oh god!” You moaned and he chuckled.

“How’s that feel?” He asked just to hear you say he was making you feel good and you moaned his name again. He grabbed your ass with his other hand, squeezing it softly. You couldn’t help your moans and groans of pleasure, bouncing feverishly on his cock. He grunted out your name, his cock throbbing as your tight pussy squeezed his dick perfectly.

He wrapped his arms around you, thrusting up into you and making you practically scream out of pleasure, the knot in your lower stomach getting tighter and tighter. You pussy was clenching hard as you tried to hold back, not wanting this to end.

“Fuck…” Lo’ak whispered, grunting as his balls begin to tighten up and his dick twitched. He moaned softly and said “shit- you feel so fucking good!” You smiled and went as fast as you could, tits bouncing in his face like crazy and pussy squeezing his dick so perfectly he could cum right then and there.

You groaned softly and said “uhh! Lo, I’m so close!” “Me too baby…just keep riding me j- uhh- fuck! just like that!” He said and you whimpered. He slapped your ass softly and it only made you closer to cumming.

Your breathing started to pick up and you squeezed around his dick hard as you moaned loud with not a care in the world. “Lo’ak! Oh my- ahh! Ahhh!” You moaned, your nails digging into his skin. He moaned at the pain, squeezing your ass as he felt his cock throb with the need to cum.

He grunted and said “I feel you baby! Come on, cum for me babygirl!” “Mmm! Uhhh! Lo’ak- I’m gonna cum- oh fuck! Ahh!” You moaned and finally released, squirting again and clenching so hard Lo’ak was struggling to hold back.

“Babe! Babe I’m cumming- no- no fuckfuckfuck- ughh!” He groaned, grabbing your hips hard enough to leave bruises as he came hard inside of you. He grunted as his cock throbbed and twitched like crazy, pumping cum endlessly into your tight little pussy.

“Shit!” He said and whined, it was borderline painful as both of your orgasms had yet to die down. When you were finally done, both of you were light headed and you were practically passed out, laying on his chest limply with him still inside you.

“I’m sorry…” he said softly, trying to catch his breath. You whimpered, pussy still twitching slightly as you said “for what?” “F- For finishing inside. I-I tried so hard not to I kept meaning to ask but I…well I kinda forgot” he said and you chuckled. He caressed his ribs as you said “it is okay, Lo’ak. I am not upset. You are my mate for life now, and if Eywa blesses us with a child now it is because it is right for us to start our family now. If not, that is also okay as well”

“You want kids already?” He asked, eyes widening. You chuckled, hearing his mind race and feeling his heartbeat quicken through tsaheylu as you said “I didn’t say that. I do not want to specifically start trying to have children just yet but if I happen to become with child I would trust that Eywa knows what’s good for us. I trust you, Lo’ak. I trust that everything will always be okay with you and that we will always figure it out…together”

“You’re so perfect” he said, looking at your lips. You smiled and cupped his cheek, kissing him passionately. He moaned a little at the unexpected surprise of being kissed so fast and so hard.

He quickly reacted though, kissing you back feverishly. You ran your hands over his chest, feeling the hard muscle that only strengthened day by day. He kept kissing you until eventually you started grinding against him, making him wince from overstimulation and sensitivity from the orgasm.

“Ah- babe I’m gonna need a minute” he said and you sighed. You lifted up off him slowly and laid on the soft moss next to him. He noticed you squeezing your thighs together and smirked. He bit his lip and said “just can’t get enough, can you?”

He made sweet love to you a few more times, his only goal to make you feel good. You fell asleep in his arms, watching the stars as he rubbed your back and played with the clothing pieces he put back on you. He felt so grateful that night, grateful for you.

The next morning, you two disconnected regretfully and you felt empty. You liked how you felt when you were connected to Lo’ak, it made your love for him grow even more. He brought you to a nearby river to rinse off, massaging your sore thighs and back.

Of course he smirked to himself when you were slightly shaky while walking, making you roll your eyes and shove him playfully. He found some berries and you both walked the long way back to the forest and ate some berries before the big breakfast with the clan.

When you got to the tents, everyone looked sorry and upset. You were confused until Kiri came running to you. “Y/n! Where have you been?!” Kiri said and your eyes widened, she looked like she’d been crying.

“I- I was at-” you started to say and she rolled her eyes. She grabbed your hand and said “it- i-it doesn’t matter you have to come with me” You could immediately tell by the way she was talking and how sad everyone was what was happening, or had already happened.

“No…no Kiri, don’t…she- she was- she was fine last night- I-I don’t understand” you said and she whimpered. Lo’ak felt his heart drop, this could not be. Kiri’s lip trembled as she said “I-I know…I know, b-but she doesn’t have much time”

You’d never ran so fast in your life, still holding Lo’ak’s hand because you didn’t want to be alone. You let go as you got closer to the tent and Lo’ak stopped following you. Kiri caught up and Lo’ak looked at with tears in his eyes.

“What’s wrong brother? Is she…” Kiri asked and Lo’ak shook his head. He sniffled and said “I- I-I don’t know I…Eywa, I can’t go in there” “what are you talking about? She needs you right now” Kiri said and Lo’ak let out a sob.

He groaned and said “it’s my fault. She should’ve been here, with her sick mother but instead we…” “no…ugh, you skxawng! Seriously?!” She said and smacked him lightly on the back of his head. He shook his head and said “do you think if I knew this was gonna happen now I would’ve still done the same things? She wanted to go to Utral Aymokriyä to listen to her dads and her grandparents' voices and then it just…happened. We are mated before Eywa now, it is done”

Kiri scoffed and said “that is why she wasn’t with her mom on her last night? Because you needed somewhere you put your stupid dick” “no! Fuck, Kiri it wasn’t like that. I love her! I love her, Kiri. I wasn’t planning to mate with her it just happened, okay? And I feel like the worst mate ever now because of it” he said and took a shaky breath.

Mo’at came out of the tent and said “Lo’ak! Get in here, now!” He wiped his tears away and Kiri shoved him closer making him groan. He slowly entered the tent and his heart broke as he watched you sob, holding your mothers hand as she struggled to keep her eyes open.

You were mumbling prayers through your sobs, not ready to let her go yet. He instantly began to cry harder, bending down to your level. “Oel ngati kameie” he said softly as he pulled up the thin blanket covering your mother’s body.

“Oel ngati kameie” she whispered, reaching for him. He quickly reached and grabbed her hand, caressing it softly and kissing it. “I want you to take care of her, okay? And I want you to be her mate. Please? I only trust you to take care of my daughter” she said and he nodded.

“H-He is, sa’nok. We ar- a-are mated before E-Eywa” you said, sniffling. Her eyes widened slightly as she smiled. She looked between you two and said “What? When?”

“Last night,” you said bashfully, taking a deep breath. She squeezed your hands slightly and said “oh, you have no idea h-how happy that makes me” Lo’ak smiled a little, brushing her braids out of her face.

Mäti groaned, pain surging through her body. She closed her eyes for a moment, making you scream as you feared you just lost her for good. She whimpered and said “I’m still here, maite. I will always be with you, you know that”

Her voice was weak and hoarse now and she was struggling more to talk. You shook your head and said “no, no I- I can’t live without you” “it is okay…i-it is okay, syulang” Mäti said, trying to calm you down.

She grunted, struggling to breathe. “I see you, sweet child” she whispered, wheezing slightly. Her breaths became shorter and faster, trying her hardest to stay alive. You whined as you said “no! Ma sa’nok!”

You were so scared, you didn’t know how to live without her. Her eyes began to flutter, you all knew this was it. “Mommy…” you whimpered, shaking your head as you begged the Great Mother to bless her with health and life again.

“Y/n…nga yawne lu oer” she said before she stopped breathing, her eyes dilating and her hands falling limply as her head lolled to the side. You gasped, your whole body shaking as you realized what just happened.

You shook your head, more sobs racking your body. “Ma sa’nok! No! No Great Mother- No! Wake up, please!” You screamed, shaking her body trying to get her to wake up.

“Y/n….” Lo’ak said and placed a hand on your back. You shoved him off and cupped your mothers face in your hands, trying to find life in her eyes again. You shook your head and screamed in agony, wailing as you felt the pain of the loss of your mother in your chest.

Lo’ak began to sob as well, he was so angry at himself, and heartbroken at the loss of what felt like a second mom. You pressed your forehead to hers, whimpering and crying harder than you ever have before.

“I’m so sorry, y/n” he said and you ignored him. You grabbed your mothers hand and said “wake up, mom. Mom…mom please! Mommy, wake up!” You cried and cried, unable to even think about calming down. Losing your dad and barely having any memories of him is hard on you, but now having had your mother take care of you, love you your entire life and for her to just suddenly no longer be here for the rest of your life is even harder.

He tried to touch you again and you shoved him, standing up. You shook your head and said “go away!” “W-What…” he said and you groaned. He stood up as well as you said “get away from me!”

He tried to touch again and you yelled out at him, shoving him so hard he nearly fell back. He shook his head and said “y/n-” “no, this is your fault! Your fault! I should’ve been here. M-My mother…oh Eywa, my mother i-is gone and I wasn’t with her on her last night alive. Ever since you came into the picture I’ve spent too much time with you. She needed me!” You said and scoffed.

His chin trembled as you bent down to your mothers lifeless body, sobbing as you pushed her eyelids down. He whimpered as he left the tent, punching the shit out of the nearest tree. Mo’at went in and tried to comfort you but it didn’t work for her either.

Kiri ran to Lo’ak and said “hey! What happened?” “Sh- fuck- s-she’s gone. M-Mäti is gone. A-And y/n is mad at me. Sh- S-She probably regrets what we did last night and I-I don’t blame her. She told me to go away b-because she’s upset that she was w-with me instead of being with Mäti on her final night a-and that because of me she’s been spending less time w- with her and too much with me. The worst part is, she’s f-fucking right!” Lo’ak yelled and sobbed, wiping his tears away.

Kiri shook her head and said “no sh- she didn’t…she’s just upset Lo’ak” Kiri was crying as well, Mäti also took care of her a lot when she was younger, you and her even considered yourself sisters because of how big of an impact you had on each others lives.

“No…no I’m the reason she wasn’t there. She will never get that time back. B-Because of me! And now she’s stuck with me forever!” He said and groaned, punching the tree again. Kiri stopped him, he already had some splinters so instead of letting him get an infection like Mäti that would kill him she brought him to her tent and began to take care of him.

Mo’at came in and didn’t even have the mental energy to scold him for hurting himself. She couldn’t help but think about her mother, she died similarly and it brought up a lot of old feelings. Not to mention, Mäti literally delivered Neytiri when Eytukan was rushing back from a hunting trip far away. They were great friends. She knew what you were going through better than she would’ve liked to.

“Y/n is experiencing the worst thing she’s ever gone through in her entire life. She’s upset and her mind is so messed up she doesn’t know left from right. She’s angry and she’s heartbroken and she wants to be comforted but she does not want to let anyone in either. You are her mate, Lo’ak. You’re going to have to learn these things about her and you’re going to have to learn how to take care of her when she’s in this state. She still loves you very much, I’m sure of it” Mo’at said to him and finished wrapping his hand in a leaf that’s healing properties would heal his hand in about 3-4 eclipses.

He nodded, tears still rolling down his face. “Now, go. She was asking for you” Mo’at said and practically pushed him all the way out. He slowly made his way back to the healing tent your mother had been living in for months.

You were still crying, not sobbing as much but you were still whimpering and hiccuping every now then. You looked over at him and stood up, gently putting your moms hand down on the mat. You walked over to him and your chin trembled as you looked up at him.

“I see you” he whispered, even if you were still mad at him he didn’t care. He saw you, he saw your pain, he saw how weak and vulnerable you were right now and he was ready to heal your emotional wounds no matter how hard it would be.

You sniffled and said “I see you, Lo’ak. I’m s-sorry about what I said earlier. It isn’t your fault. N-Not at all, you were…I actually liked having you there. I trusted you, and you showed me love and support and care when I really needed it. I could never regret the time we’ve spent together, and I surely can’t regret last night. Even if this is the worst day of my life, last night was the best. Because of you”

“You don’t have to apologize. I’ll always love you. And I’ll never be mad at you, I couldn’t possibly. You’re grieving, and you’re going through something unimaginably painful. Of course you're gonna have reactions you don’t mean to have. I'm here to take every harsh word, every shove, every cry, and also every smile, every laugh, and every hug with nothing but love and a smile. I only want to make you happy again” Lo’ak said, caressing your cheeks.

You nodded and whispered a shaky “thank you” He kissed your head and wiped your tears from under your puffy eyes, wrapping his arms tight around you. You cried softly into his chest, holding him tight. “Hey, hey it’s okay. I’m here, I’m here my love” he said, noticing how you seemed to be desperately holding onto him like he was going to leave or something.

You whimpered and said “I just…oh Eywa I’m scared somethings gonna h-happen to you” “I’m not going anywhere. I promise. I’m here with you, forever” he said and kissed your head a few times, rubbing your back.

Kiri came in and her heart broke as she saw Mäti lay there lifeless, not receiving the usual smile and seeing her lift her arms weakly to hug her. You looked up and Kiri sniffled, looking over at you. “I’m so sorry, y/n” she said and you bit your lip.

You hugged her and said “she really loved you, tsumke” “she loved you even more. Talked about you like you hung the moon and stars yourself” Kiri said and you both giggled. Lo’ak walked over and gently grabbed Mäti’s hand.

“I’m gonna take care of her. I promise. I’m gonna make her the happiest girl in the clan. Thank you for creating such a wonderful young woman that I now get to cherish for the rest of my life. I don’t deserve it, really. Rest in peace, Mäti” he said and caressed her hand, wiping away his tears.

1 year later

“Good morning, honey” he said softly, brushing your braids out of your face. You took a deep breath and mumbled “hi, baby” and stretched adorably, clinging to him after. He chuckled and kissed your head.

“I brought breakfast,” he said. It was some fish and some berries and a juiced fruit in a bowl. You smiled and kissed his cheeks, making him laugh. You heard Lawnol fussing a little and sighed, sitting up.

Lawnoltsim, or Lawnol as you called her, was your 3 month old baby girl. It’s not uncommon for a female to become pregnant the night she mates, and that is what happened to you. You realized your symptoms a few weeks after the loss of your mother and when Mo’at confirmed it felt like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders.

You were excited to be a mother, and when Mo’at suspected it was a girl it only excited you more. Lo’ak was worried initially, he felt terrible for getting you pregnant and for putting through this at such a stressful time in your life. He was surprised to see how happy the pregnancy made you, even with all the pain you couldn’t help the joy you felt when you thought about your daughter or felt her kick.

He wanted to name her Lawnoltsim because it meant “a great source of joy”, and that’s what she was. She brought so much happiness during the hardest time of your life. She was nothing short of perfection to you.

You scooped her up out of the sleeping basket Neytiri weaved together for you a few weeks before your daughter was born and held her to your chest, kissing her head and caressing her little back. She cooed and Lo’ak smiled, he always fell in love with you more and more watching you be a mother to the daughter you made together.

“Hi, baby…oh you’re so beautiful,” you said and kissed her nose. She smiled up at you and played with your braids, babbling something. He wrapped his arms around your waist and said “my princesses. So gorgeous”

You giggled and kissed her cheek a few times, fixing her hair so it wasn’t so messy. You spent the morning with the two of them like you have every day since Lawnol was born, playing with her and singing to her and then breastfeeding her for a bit before having your breakfast.

He was worried about today, it was the 1 year anniversary of your mothers death.

Neytiri asked to spend the day with her grandbaby which you gladly agreed to, her and Jake had been really good about watching her when you and Lo’ak needed and never passed up an opportunity to spend time with their first granddaughter.

You went off to go hunting for a bit with some other warriors and Lo’ak began to worry more. You hadn’t acknowledged it all. He couldn’t help but think about how heartbroken you were that morning, how hard it was for you to leave the tent and bury her.

When you got back, you checked on Lawnol and then helped Mo’at make lunch. Lo’ak kept an eye on you, always lingering around. Of course he spent time with you throughout the day regularly as he was your mate and he was literally obsessed with you. But you knew why he was especially lingering today.

You knew well what day it was. You did take some time already to yourself to walk through the forest and process your thoughts, cried a little bit just thinking about everything. You didn’t want to turn today into a day of sadness. You just wanted to think about all the happy memories with your mother. All the good times, how happy she made you, what an amazing mother she was. You hoped to be that for Lawnol.

“Hey, honey” you said as you came into the tent, it was nearing eclipse. He was re-stringing his bow but had just finished when you came in. He smiled at you and said “hi…how are you?” You kissed him softly and said “I’m good”

He took a deep breath, you knew he didn’t believe you. You sat down in front of him and said “I know you don’t believe me. But I promise I am. I know today is one year since I lost my mother and I should be really sad about that but I am not. I…I do not want to be sad. I just simply want to celebrate the happy times I had with her, and what an amazing mother she was and how she impacted the clan and everyone else’s lives. I miss her greatly, but moping around and crying about it isn’t going to bring her back”

“I’m just worried for you. It was hard watching you go through that” he said, caressing your cheek. You smiled and he sighed softly, admiring your features. He couldn’t help himself sometimes. You grabbed his hand and said “I do appreciate it, you know. I was just about to go to the tree of voices to hear her voice. Do you want to come with me?”

You hadn’t gone yesterday because it was your birthday and you didn’t want to be sad. You wanted to wait until today instead. He nodded and stood up, following you. You walked quietly, tail swishing gently as you held Lo’ak’s hand.

You walked up to the tree, closing your eyes and taking a deep breath. You took a deep breath and connected your kuru to the tree, gasping slightly as you heard your mothers voice. Lo’ak hugged you from behind gently, bring his own kuru to the tree and listening to his ancestors voices.

You felt a tear slip down your face and you sighed. You whimpered slightly and Lo’ak disconnected from the tree, kissing your head and moving his arm up to sip the tears away. He caressed your waist as he said “it’s okay, baby. Just cry it out if you need to”

“I miss her, Lo…” you whispered. He rested his chin ontop of your head and said “I know, syulang. I miss her too” “she loved you so much. You have no idea, Lo’ak. She was so obsessed, she was always asking about you. She knew you were it for me. My mate” you said and smiled.

He chuckled and said “I know. Everytime she could get me alone she swore that it was the perfect time to mate before Eywa forever. And she…” He stopped because he began to tear up and his throat felt tight.

“What?” You asked, disconnecting from the tree and turning around to look at him. He cleared his throat and said “s-she trusted me to- t-to take care of you. Do you remember? W-When I came to the tent s-she made me promise…p-promise that I would take care of you, a-and she said she only trusted me to be y-your mate”

“Oh, Lo’ak,” you said and cupped his cheeks. He cried softly as he looked at you, wondering if he really had been fulfilling Mäti’s final wishes like he tried to. As if you could hear his thoughts, you said “you have. You have done an amazing job at protecting me, loving me, caring for me, and you’ve done the same for our daughter”

“I try…” he joked, sighing softly. You smiled and said “I see you, my mate” “I see you” he whispered back, pressing his forehead to yours. You both took a deep breath, embracing each other and falling even more in love with each other with every second that passes.

Taglist: @laylasbunbunny @goddesslilithmoriarty

As of now l'm writing for

Eddie Munson

Joseph Quinn

Jamie Bower

Steve Harrington

Robin Buckley

Lo’ak

Neteyam

So just comment the taglist you want to be added to and l'll add you :)

[everytimeigetmoody]

platonic macauchay (with mentions of kimchay)

wip wednesday on a friday. let's gooo this is in the same universe as my this wip. progress is being made

As he was walking, he paused at a window that only just gave him a view of the entrance of the house. Chay stayed there, watching like a ghost trapped in the home they died in. He only tore his eyes away when he heard footsteps approaching. 

Macau was walking in his direction. The two were the closest in age and yet they never spoke. Porsche told him he wasn't too bad, but Tankhun insisted that the only thing he was good for at a party was to be a piñata. 

"Can I join you?" Macau asked, already stepping up to the window. He pulled out his phone and opened up a game on it. Chay had seen Vegas nudge Macau's arm earlier and tell him to shut it off.

"What are you playing?" Chay looked over his shoulders and saw a series of black and white tiles on the screen. 

"It's a piano tile game. Basically, you're just trying to get a faster score. I've been trying to beat Pete's score for the past two days, but I'm starting to think it's impossible," Macau explained.

The pair stayed like this for a long time before either one of them spoke again. Chay watched Macau play, and Macau repeatedly failed at trumping Pete's high score. The only sounds between them were the dull taps of Macau's fingers on the screen. 

"So I take it you didn't want this party?" Macau asked after giving up on his game and pocketing his phone. “I’m Macau, by the way.”

"Yeah, no, but they didn't really care about that," Porschay huffed and went back to staring outside the window. “I’m Porschay”

"That sounds rough. If it makes you feel better, I also didn't want to come. No offense but this party sounded lame." 

"The thought was nice, but this isn't even that big of a deal. Going away parties shouldn't be for people who have been in a place for, like, a year and are moving 30 minutes away.”

Macau shrugged, “They must like you here.”

“I guess,” Porschay said, frowning. A feeling of guilt washed over him as he realized how long they had been outside of the party. “Why did you come here if you didn’t want to be here? We don’t even know each other.”

“My brother said if he had to come to this shit, so did I. He didn’t even have to come through. Pete said he wanted to go alone. Things would be so much less tense if he did,” Macau pursed his lips and rolled his eyes. “Vegas said he had to come, otherwise Pete would look single or something like that. I love my brother, but their engagement has made them fucking insufferable.” 

“My brother’s the same exact way! I can’t invite him anywhere without him suggesting that Kinn come along or Kinn inviting himself. It’s like they can’t be two feet apart,” Porschay let the jealousy and resentment he had been pushing down crawl up his throat finally. It was like stinging bile in his mouth, but at least it was finally coming up rather than stewing in his stomach. “It’s so hard being around them sometimes. And then Tankhun invited my fucking ex to this party, so not only do I have to watch my brother be grossly in love with his boyfriend, I have to see my ex and his stupid face.”

“Sorry, but this party suddenly got interesting.” Macau leaned in closer with a smile. “Who is it? I thought the only one not here was Kimhan.”

“Speak of the devil,” Porschay narrowed his eyes at the sleek black car pulling up to the front door. He looked away, but he could perfectly picture Kim coming out of the passenger side door. Chay’s mind put him in a tight white tank top and those black leather pants he constantly dreams of (when Chay saw him wear those in a music video, he didn’t think he would recover). He wonders if he could see his rings from this far. “Do you want to ditch and see my apartment?”

“Things only just started getting good though.” Macau had an amused expression on his face but gave in reluctantly when he noticed Porschay's disappointed look. He sighed and put an arm around Chay’s shoulders. “Lead the way, Porschay.”

[letstalkwhump]

Let’s Talk Whump No.7

Welcome to Let’s Talk Whump, a series of interviews that spotlight the amazing people in our whump community. I’m Malice and I’ll be your host. 

Today we have @kira-the-whump-enthusiast joining us to share his whump story!

Tell us something non-whump related about yourself!

Hi I'm Kira! I'm just a guy on the internet who has something wrong with him (affectionate). Outside of whump I do a lot of regular OC stuff! Though, it always ends up angsty. I draw a shit ton, I watch video essays, and I pet my cat. He's adorable and amazing, by the way!

What does whump mean to you?

God, I don’t know man. It's when the character gets hurt and it makes me smile, I guess. For me it usually ends up being brutal torture of the physical or mental kind!

How did you discover the whump community? 

So I found the whump-culture-is blog, and I kinda skirted around the whole idea cuz I wasn't super comfortable with it yet. And then I stumbled upon Hazeshift by @whumpwillow!!! That was the story that got me into whump, it clicked a switch somewhere in my brain. And from there I started following more whump blogs, creating some OCs to whump, and eventually made a blog! Now I’m here.

It seems to be a common thread that everyone has a specific whump story that just clicked! Have you found that your whump tastes have changed over time?

I think my favorite tropes have largely stayed the same, same as my hard preference for OC over fandom. But I've gotten way more into making whumpy art lately! It's mostly on my art blog @kira-does-art-sometimes So, I haven't exactly been writing. I am still doing some though,  I'm just really bad at finishing it.

And your favourite whump tropes?

May the devil bless my soul, I am not mentally normal about any of this. 

First of all I am an avid whumper-turned-whumpee and villain whump fan. This is the Main Trope I enjoy because it is just so good. Look man, I just need to see the somewhat sympathetic (or not) bad guys get whumped and then maybe get a hug afterwards because even if they did bad shit before, they still don't exactly deserve bad things to happen to them? I dunno know, it's a bit soothing. Also god, there are so many good dynamics you would have. Reluctant caretakers, righteous whumpers, whumpees-turned-whumpers,,,, god, I am insane for this. Also the angst potential is ridiculous and I love it. 

I am also a fan of sicko shit like cannibalism and gore and vivisection. Like yes, cut that guy open and eat his organs. I will never not be normal about cannibalism and also I believe it is completely ethical if it's fully consensual. Anyways, fucked-up cannibalism is very good too. I need the people to eat each other. I need blood dripping from mouths and staining smiles. I need the faux-intimacy of feasting on another. Vivisection is also great for similar reasons. It is very Intense and Torture and I think it's fun!! You can also eat the whumpee's organs. Food for thought, pun intended! 

Glasgow smiles!I love those. I need to give more of my whumpees those. I just think it's neat and it's an alternative gag. You can't exactly talk without pain when your face has been slit open.

Immortal whump is the best. Because you can just do anything, really stretch a guy past their limits and then do it again!!! The fun never ends because they can't die, at least not permanently. Killing an immortal is underrated. And I don't mean permanently. I mean like bringing them back, again and again, and continuing the murder! Is that not fun?! 

Isolation in whump is very underrated. Solitary confinement is a form of torture after all. I think there's something very resonant for me about the simple. Lack of anything to the point that it drives you insane. The only thing making you like this are the walls cutting you off from the world. How do you explain that to people? I also like other fucked up forms of isolation like when the whumpee pretty much only interacts with the whumper or people on their side. The way that it can fuck them up is very intriguing to explore in writing I think. 

I realize this is somewhat sicko behavior. I have decided to not apologize for this. Also if the FBI is reading this, I um. I have little to no desire to do this in real life okay don't arrest me.

I think we’re all screwed if the FBI ever decides to look our way…I look forward to sharing a cell with you all! Do  you have a favourite piece you've written? 

I guess I'd definitely have to say Spirals and Solitaire is one of my better pieces!! Look. I just needed to write about a woman with depression. That's my favorite type of character. It combines a lot of my favorite tropes. A villain with angst for days being trapped in a room and slowly, slowly, going fucking insane. Getting way too attached to the only person that talks to them. And a bystander who doesn't help until it's too late. But better late than never hey? 

Also I am still a fan of Midnight Meal which is really surprising since it's like almost a year old I think? I think it holds up! I just like the cannibalism. And the gore. And I have gotten the best comments on it. Thank you to the nice people who left comments on it! Definitely my most sicko piece out of all my writing. Isaac's my favorite whumpee and this is not even the worst thing that happens to him, by the way. 

I also have this single series, Diamonds to Dust that I have definitely updated recently. I may or may not actually start writing the seventh chapter. I apologize for the radio silence on this lol. Storm and Zuri and Xavier are my beloveds. Also Lusik and Octavia are fucked up lesbians but I haven't gotten into that yet. My favourite toxic ship!

What's your writing routine like? Is there a must have drink or snack? 

My writing schedule fucking insane to be honest. Kinda goes like: 

- At a random point in time I get an idea. 

- I ruminate on the idea for an extended period of time. From like a week to a year. Average is prolly a couple months. 

- After the rumination I finally get some words on the goddamn paper! I write in fucking simplenote cuz I can access it on all my devices. 

- The words never get finished on the first day. From then it is three days to two months until I continue the goddamn thing. Or I just don't. Sometimes that happens. 

- And then the editing. Oh god. The editing. Suffice to say I hate it, I hate it, I hate it but it's necessary so I do it. Actually this takes like two weeks max cuz again. Hate it to shreds. I send it to my lovely whump friends for beta reading. I love yall!

- And then post. God help me when I do that. 

This is why I never post anything sorry about that. 

Usually I write in my very comfy bed in the evening. I don't really munch on snacks or drinks when I write.

Is there anything specific that you find easy to write?

I find that it's pretty easy for me to write characters with depression. When the character is just angsting and going through the emotional ringer, it's pretty easy for me to write stuff. Honestly that's probably how I got Spirals and Solitude finished so quickly. It's literally just like three thousand words of Wrenna having depression. I really struggle with writing like pure fluff. I dunno know,  I just find it hard to create a good conflict when it's so lighthearted.

And  do you have any current projects?

I have like a couple WIPs who are not finished yet. I may finish and post them one day. I am also always drawing. Probably of my OCs or fan art of my friend's OCs!

Bless us with some writing advice please!

You ask me??? For writing advice. Uhhhh I dunno man. Just get a little silly with it. Being Quality is overrated. Someone's probably gonna read it and get something out of it even if it's just like seven words in comic sans or whatever. Or maybe you are the one who reads it and gets something out of it! Self deprecation is overrated too. Your writing is probably fine. It is probably even good. Likely, it is even great and amazing! 

Shoutouts?

Huge shout out to @whump-in-the-closet for being extremely cool and having the best OCs and writing. And also listening to my little sicko OC rants!

@whumpcloud has literally some of the best whump stories I've ever read like god! I go feral for their characters. 

@zillastar13 has extremely amazing writing and very good taste. Love their art!

Anything you'd like to add? <3

Lowkey I think we as a community need more transgender characters. In any role. I just need to see more guys who are transgender. Who get a little funky with their gender. Who maybe even have their transsexuality impact the story in some way. Same for like, characters of color and female characters. I'd love to see whumpees with lots of different backstories and female characters in lots of different roles in the narrative. I personally don't think that the violence that women and minorities face in real life necessarily has to be analogous to the violence faced by a character in a story. I know it can go very badly but it can get a little tiring sometimes to only find stories with cis white male characters. Variety pls.

It was awesome to have you here, Kira! Thanks for stopping by!

And to all you folks at home, have a whump-derful day!

[heloflor]

“Part two” of this post since I wanted to keep it positive but also have more things to say about comparing the 86 Anime and 2023 Movie:

In defense of the 86 Anime not being great and low-quality, the plot of the 2023 Movie is kind of a pacing mess too. Plus, I don’t care about the animation quality and, while I do enjoy good soundtracks, a bad one doesn’t really bother me that much. Those are “superficial” elements that, while making a movie more enjoyable and pleasant, aren’t that big of a deal for me.

For example, I actually find the soundtrack of the 2023 one to be one of the best things about the movie, and I can’t praise enough the work that went into researching and using the video-games ost while still keeping it fresh. My second favorite thing about this movie is how expressive Bowser is. You can tell when Nintendo plays around with his 3d model that they’re trying to make him expressive but struggle with it, so to see such an array of emotions from him is amazing. However, the fact that those are my two favorite things about the 2023 movie is not a good look.

I’m also not going to judge the voice acting bc for the 2023 Movie I don’t care about the og dub (watched it in french) and the 86 Anime is in Japanese which I don’t speak so I’m less focused on intonation and more on subtitles. Although I will say that when re-discovering the 86 Anime this year, the main thing I remembered from watching it as a kid is the way Peach says Mario’s name, and that’s not exactly a compliment.

Ultimately, I think the main difference between the two for me is that the 2023 Movie pisses me off due to how much wasted potential it was, while the 86 Anime is more of an odd relic from the past that’s definitely not great but still fun for what it offers.

And yes, I’m definitely being a lot harsher on the 2023 Movie than the 86 Anime. After all, the 2023 one was made decades after the franchise took off and is a high-budget project, while the 86 one is a small production made likely on time constrains and with little to work on. The 86 Anime was also made by a Japanese studio back in the 80s, meaning the comedy and story standards might not have been the same. For the comedy you can for example see it with the Mario Kun mangas having a completely different kind of humor than what you expect in the West. As a result, it’s much easier to forgive the 86 for its mistakes, while the 2023 is under more scrutiny.

For example, both suffer from a pacing problem, with 86 dragging on while 2023 goes too fast, on top of both feeling like the creators had a specific set of action scenes in mind but didn’t know what to put in-between hence the many montages and paper-thin story. The 86 Anime can be forgiven more easily since every level in Mario Bros 1 looks the same + there’s like 10 different enemies, so of course they’d end up forced to capitalize on those enemies, causing the travel to be rushed while the enemies encounters go on for too long.

For the 2023 Movie, it just feels like they got lazy, especially when the elements put to give the story more substance don’t get resolved/have no payoff (had Mario and Luigi fought a cat instead of a dog, it could’ve been great payoff with the cat power-up ; Peach is shown to be curious about the human world yet has no reaction when entering Brooklyn ; Toad is just kind of there ; most of the plot is about getting the Kong army who immediately gets kidnapped, meaning it was for nothing ; Mario is good at platforming in the intro yet his struggles with Peach’s course are written as if he’s never been good at it ; we’re never shown how does Bowser’s army gets all this intel on Mario and Peach ; since we see Mario eat a mini-mushroom and then getting bigger through a hit, it means all Bowser needs to do to escape at the end is punch himself ; the blue-shelled soldier never interacts with Mario yet is straight-up delighted about killing him, and there’s no mention of him doing it to get Bowser’s respect or a promotion so there’s no justification for him being this unhinged ; etc).

Now I could say from this list that the 2023 movie has more plot holes than the 86 Anime, especially when the 86 one does explain when they put those types of elements despite its overall weirdness (the Goombas following the brothers, the dog being sent with them because he’s Haru). But ultimately the 86 Anime has a lot less overall substance, so of course it’s going to have less plot holes since there’s less plot. Plus, the 86 Anime has a lot more instances of things happening "just because".

Another example would be 86 Luigi and 2023 Peach being OOC. In the first case, Luigi didn’t even have a personality back there, so he can’t exactly be out of character if there’s no character to begin with. Meanwhile in the second case this is a character that had been established for decades yet they couldn’t be bothered to even try, which feels incredibly insulting and it better not affect the games (you just know that had Peach kept her role as Mario’s guide/mentor while actually being written in character, we still would’ve gotten Wonder and Showtime. Hell had she been written properly we wouldn’t have had that worrisome box art change).

Finally, before people crucify me, know that I give the 2023 Movie an 8/10 as an adaptation and a 6/10 as an original movie. It’s a fantastic adaptation outside of the characters being more or less OOC and does an amazing job at bringing this world to life, on top of the references not just being for fanservice but also serving the story since the characters are in the Mario universe. But as a movie itself it’s really average and honestly deserves a lower score. Were it an original fantasy movie with no relations to Mario, you know people wouldn’t give it a second glance and praise the villain as the only good/interesting part. The reason why I’m not giving it lower than a 6 is because the movie doesn’t try to be anything special, it just tries to be fun, and it does deliver on being fun.

Ironically enough tho, despite thinking the 2023 Movie is a fantastic adaptation, I actually wouldn’t recommend it to someone who doesn’t know much about Mario and wants to learn its lore, as this movie takes a lot of liberties on that front (Toad Town isn’t a construction site, Peach’s castle is sometimes on a hill but not that high up, Cranky isn’t King of anything and is DK’s grandpa, while DK is incredibly important to Mario’s history hence him being in the movie he’s not present at all in the mainline games, Kamek isn’t a hype man but a sarcastic tired dad (granted this goes into the characters being OOC), Bowser doesn’t have a floating island but instead uses airships (which I’m genuinely surprised the movie didn’t use given they’re a staple of Bowser’s army, granted they probably wanted Bowser constantly on the move while still being in large rooms for the meeting and piano scene, both of which wouldn’t work on an airship), the Clown Car also tends to be used exclusively by Bowser and his children except for Bowser’s Neo City from Mario Kart, Peach isn’t the only human in this world since Daisy exists and we even see a desert that could be Sarasaland on the Toads’ map, the Penguin Kingdom was completely made up, Peach’s backstory was also made up, Foreman Spike is a one-off character from decades ago, The ToadTM and Captain Toad are two different Toads, things like that).

And while I’m at it: Mario: 8/10 original character, 6/10 adaptation ; Luigi: 5/10 character , 9/10 adaptation (literally the only reason why I like Movie Luigi is because I adore Games Luigi; but as an original character he’s completely absent past the Brooklyn scene so it would be hard to really care about him if the movie was an original piece) ; Peach: 7/10 character, 0/10 adaptation ; Bowser: 10/10 character, 6,5/10 adaptation ; I can explain these scores a bit more in a separate post if anybody asks.

[interwebois]

Dissociative Identity Disorder/ Other Specified Dissociative Disorder

In October of 2022 watching Moon Knight because Cinema Therapy did a video about it saw a bit and was like well I have Disney plush and its Oscar Isaac, (Poe) so let’s watch it. Little did I know our life will change after that. I Alice don’t remember watching Moon Knight the first time or watching The Making of before watching the Series. The only think I Alice remember is episode 2 but it’s a 3rd person prospective. I remember right before and after watching the series and for 2 weeks having non stop panic attacks and not know why. Some of the thoughts I do remember like, “this happens to me all the time”, “Other people experience this” “I don’t have DID because I don’t have Amnesia but other than that it’s all relatable” “This is how I experience being Trans or having an OCD voice” (being Trans is real what I’m referring is the body looking like someone else and me thinking that’s what it meant to be Trans, only time feeling Dysphoria) and searching “Is it possible to have DID and no Amnesia” “Is it possible to be Autistic and have DID” “How Steven and Marc interacts with each other, well that’s too relatable” “Have to show this to my mom because I can finally explain what I experience” watching DID channels to look more into it and every video, every article, every post. The more and more I read, the more and more was like umm “So all those weird things that happens, and I don’t tell anyone even my therapist at that time because If I say it out loud what’s happing they will think I’m weird and the fact that we brushed it off all as having Autism, other people experience theses, what?” but still being like “I don’t have this because I don’t have Amnesia” (Later in November finding out OSDD-1b and still being like nah TW: my trauma isn’t that bad, now knowing more about it and being like that happened what ohh:) and in October started to look like Steven Grant and me being like “Well this is normal, It’s the phase where I look like someone else”, (because this happens with different people) it happened in July of 2022 with Neal Caffrey from White Collar, felt like was about to happen but didn’t (Now we understand that Steven is either was a Fragment that turned into an Alter as he was figuring out his identity or he was an Alter but didn’t really identify with a particular look yet and was trying figure himself out, because this reminds me especially of high school, well I couldn’t control what I was saying when getting excited (but now with a British Dialect, which I Alice can not control, or feeling things for guys but at the same time not since young) and it happened with Isaac Kalder in high school and he was the first Alter that I Alice was able to see and similar things happens with him, rewatching The Devil Inside and My Virtual Escape from McJuggerNuggets on YouTube later after knowing DID/OSDD being like “Oh my, did not realize, how much Isaac was Passive Influencing us” Literally how he talked, walked, songs that he listened to how he handled his depression or when someone triggered him. In 2019 I Alice feel bad about this now, threw all of the clothes that he bought (except one), stopped listening to songs that he liked, stoped watching TDI and MVE (even though gave us comfort) because was like every time I look like him. I’m sad, I feel dysphoric, I want to look like him, to the point I Alice was forgetting what the body looked like and forgot the body’s biological gender or forget that Alice is a thing, depression, which caused him to go dormant until 2021 where I started to hear him from the inside but with his voice) (Sorry🙁). and also TDI is like an accidental representation of DID because I remember now rewatching (the first time I Alice do not have those memories just remember right before and after, when TDI was out but not MVE, just like Steven absorbed those feelings) TDI when the split happened because a lot of stressful thing happened at that time, being like well I can relate to Jesse because he switches with his characters that he has from his childhood and can’t control what’s happening.

And in December still not think I have OSDD-1b but thinking maybe I’m just really autistic so I don’t understand my emotions at all, “Is there any similarities between TDI/MVE and Moon Knight” and the amount of things that are similar was like “wtf”, and later rewatching Moon Knight and getting told why they related to Moon Knight other than the DID symptoms and well yeah. The amount of things in Moon Knight that tides into our childhood is actually astounding especially Steven, which make sense, when watching a movies, series your brain lights up the same way as if it were happening, (TW: my leading theory before I knew this was a thing was, the stuff that happened when younger that’s how we reacted, felt and those same brain frequencies were getting turned on:)

Difference and similarities

btw there are other Alters just talking about Isaac and Steven and well Alice/Ashla.

Isaac Kalder

Similarity: Identifies like 90% with his source

Difference: His age is 19 and the source he’s 18, I think it’s because I Alice always wanted an older brother and now the body is 19 so he’s like a month older, I always saw him as an older brother even before knowing about the System)

Steven

Similarity: Identifies with the look, name, dialect, how he carries himself, body cadence, just more romantic (finding these thing along the way being like why do you do that, I guess that’s a different thing from your source that’s cool and rewatching it being like oh that’s where that quality cam from)

Difference: He’s more like Episode 5 when Steven (MCU) is comforting Marc and now he’s more confident in himself, basically after Season 1. It’s like instead of (TW warning: the trauma that happened to Marc, Steven and Jake it’s replaced with what happened to us. also he’s a Subsystem (For us an Alter in a Alter) mostly because of flashback that happened fair recently and yeah, all those flashback kind of went to Steven and he kind of split with Llewyn Davis from Inside Llewelyn Davis, that was confusing when it was happening, now Steven is more bi they kind of passive influence each other sometimes but when triggered Steven kind of goes inside and Llewyn kind of comes out. DEPRESSION, Steven and Llewyn are kinda figure things with Isaac where if Llewyn feels more the same way which when the split happened Llewyn did absorb the liking guys thing more:) (our Steven is more Romantic I guess the feeling of love)

Alice/Ashla (Biological Female but doesn’t really identify with that mostly so I guess I’m Non-Binary, still figure things out, I do like woman though no question about that)

Love Star Wars and Moon Knight and Disney and McJuggerNuggets content. It’s rare for me to feel like Alice but when I do it feels weird, higher voice etc so kind of go by Ashla just like that name mostly because it’s a SW thing.

It make sense that we have a lot of fictives, Autism and because of it have hard time connecting with people and understand peoples actions and only able to relate, and understand fictional characters, or since younger only having emotional comfort from fictional characters, and love everything about film from filming it, acting, voice acting editing, sound design and want to do those things we want to do, we all like different aspects of the Film process

Consent forms:

Alice/Ashla: I agree to publish this

Steven/Llewyn: Yeah sure. We agree to this s***

Isaac: Okay

[weirdohippiefreaky]

I really don’t understand why, but finding out that Karen and Carly Jane both got boyfriends very shortly after we spit has added to my feeling bummed out. I guess I kind of feel like I am very replaceable. Not to mention the fact that I already had so much difficulty getting a woman’s attention when I had a job and now that I’ve been unemployed for over a year? I feel like I don’t have a snowballs chance in hell. I was just watching a YouTube video on ask Reddit “what ruined modern day dating“ and I guess that also bummed me out. In fact, a lot of the time the ask Reddit postpunk me out. I like hearing the ones about dating disasters with clueless people, but sometimes it hits too close to home you know? I sometimes wonder if I fall into the category of a “nice guy“. I don’t expect anyone to give me sex for no reason or just because I do the bare minimum. I sincerely believe everybody is entitled to date who they please, and for whatever reason. That being said, it’s tough knowing that I so very rarely fall into the category of what a woman wants. Online dating really is just a bonanza for women and a desert for men. I can’t really talk about this on Reddit cause I’ll get down voted to oblivion…being called an incel or a loser and being told that’s all my fault. And technically, I *am* an incel in that I am indeed involuntarily celibate. The longer I go with no replies, no matches, and no one really showing any kind of romantic interest in me the more start to feel that some of the things these misogynistic pricks say aren’t entirely untrue. I’m not an ugly man. I might be 49 years old, but I keep myself in pretty good shape and I still have a handsome face yet I didn’t get a single like on Tinder. All of my messages on Hinge go ignored.  I want more than anything to not care, but I can’t help it. Sometimes my depression and loneliness feels like it’s gonna swallow me. I do have good friends, including of course, a female friend. But I feel like I don’t want to tell Bridget how much being single bums me out. Mostly because she’s made comments about “losers who can’t get laid” before and I can’t have her thinking I’m some kind of neck beard or incel. I know she would be nice about it, but I would be paranoid that she would actually think I’m some kind of tool and I just can’t have that. Luckily, I can talk to Bill and Andrew about it but there’s only so much those guys can really do.

another reason I generally won’t go to Reddit is because I’m just too sensitive to criticism. I put my Tinder profile up on a throwaway account to ask what I’m doing wrong and I got one response that said “you’re 49 and you’re still on Tinder? Aren’t you from the generation that actually knows how to talk to women? just go to a bar“ I immediately deleted the whole thing. I was really nervous to put it up because of the last time I asked for people‘s opinions of my profile, it immediately just became a free-for-all of insults, put downs, being told i’m ugly, my jokes are bad, calling me “cringe“ one woman on there said that I would be a “hard left“. Ok, I get she *thought* she was being helpful, but all that did was just insult me. And of course, all the advice that I got was conflicting with other pieces of advice. Some people said that my bio wasn’t funny enough, some said there was too much attempted humor, some said it was too long, some said it was too short. I don’t know.

And one thing I know for sure, don’t ever tell somebody who’s lonely, miserable and full of anxiety, that “it’ll happen when you least expect it” that kind of thing doesn’t happen to people like me. Never did, and it never will 

[hours2hours]

THE HAWKINS PARADOX: CHAPTER FOUR

Miles

Half-laying on the empty table, I continue scribbling aimlessly until my pencil pierces the paper. Drawing is one of the few things that can distract me, but not today. My thoughts downpour as strongly as the rain outside, too much to focus. The library at Matlock Collegiate is tiny compared to the city school I used to go to, meaning it’s usually filled to the brim with students studying. But this window and table are tucked behind a corner in the back. Usually the isolation helps calm me down, but the murmurs of students tell me I’d be alone regardless. 

A bolt of lightning strikes, and thoughts flash to Mateo, what his body might look like, disfigured and cold. How different would today be if I had stayed with him that night? He might be sitting here with me, working on our comic book or talking about new video game releases.

“How is that guy not in jail yet?” 

“Beats me. Just keep your distance.”

The whispers have been driving me insane. If this is what I hear when people think I’m not listening, how much has really been said?

“Can I sit here? Or are ‘ya busy sharing an intimate moment with the window?”

I drop my pencil and slide off my headphones when Joel’s hand smooths over the back of my chair. I wipe the moisture from my eyes and ask, “How’d you know I was here?”

Joel takes a seat. “‘Ya know Miles, you’re one of the most secretive people I’ve met. To know much a anythin’ about you I’ve had to observe. You always come to the library when you’re messed up, this is the most isolated spot in the building with a close window, and I know you like watching the rain.” He finishes wearing a smug grin.

“Not bad detective,” I joke. 

A flash of light, and I’m pulled back to a time when Mateo and I were kids camping with our grandparents. They were fast asleep during the storm and I was so scared, so he came into my bed and we watched for a while. When I was scared of the storm coming close, he taught me how lighting works, how to tell how far away it is. He assured me the danger was far away, and made me feel safe enough to sleep.

“Uh oh, the murderer’s planning something. Look who he’s sitting with!”

“Do people in this town gossip this fucking much? Or is it just for me?” I snap.

Joel leans in close as if to reveal a secret. “In Matlock beach, I like to look at other examples of isolation turning people into animals. Ya’know, lord of the flies and shit. In this case, people have gotten so bored they actually make up any shit they want to keep entertained.”

Chuckling slightly, I resume staring out the window. 

Joel slides his chair closer and stares into my sketchbook, head resting in his arms. “What’re you drawing?”

“Just scribbles,” I say without looking. Joel slides the book close and raises an eyebrow. He picks up the book and stares at it, a confused expression overtaking his face. “Why'd you write this?” he asks.

“Write what?” I reply, reclaiming my sketchbook. The page is still just a bunch of random scribblings. But then Joel takes s pen from the desk and begins drawing on the page, tracing over what he sees. In a way I hadn’t even noticed, the strips of pencil lead have spelled out three words, “HOURSTOHOURS”.

“The hell?” Joel remarks.

“Those words sound familiar.”

“They marked the place where the money was ‘sposed to be.”

“Guess it’s been in the back of my mind.”

“Must be,” Joel appears awestruck. He hesitantly places the book down as if wanting to question further, but doesn’t.

After a long pause Joel says, “... anyway, I came here ‘cause I wanted to tell ya that there’s search parties lookin’ for Mateo. Don’t think they’ve found anythin’ yet though.”

“Figured.”

“Point is they’re looking, an’ they’re gonna find ‘em.”

I don’t answer. It doesn’t make me feel much better, because I know what they’re going to find.

“This place sucks, huh?”

“Yeah, I guess,” I reply.

“We should get outta here,” Joel says with a mischievous smile.

I glance back at the page I continue to scribble, “Lunch period is over in ten minutes, we have to get to class.”

Joel scoffs, “You know that neither of us are gonna do shit today right? How can they expect you to? Let’s go,” he taps the table twice hard with an open hand before standing with his bag over his shoulder. He’s right. If I can’t draw I doubt I’ll be very productive in the classroom. I’m not exactly an advocate for skipping class, but they have to make an exception if my brother’s probably dead, right?

Joel guides me to the side exit of the school, only known by students as the smoker’s door. No one’s out in the pouring rain though, maybe the cold will act as a distraction at least.

Joel pulls out his keys and unlocks his car door in advance. “Ready to book it?”

I hold my backpack over my head and nod. Joel opens the door and we sprint through the rain. Truck in sight, Joel reaches for the handle only to step into a deep pothole, tripping on his face. I manage to tug at his hand to bring him to his feet. But he still keeps a smile while he jumps in. “Are you okay?” I say exasperated and giggling, while Joel is totally soaked and covered in mud.

“Yeah,” He heaves. “Thanks for the help.” He starts the engine. 

“Sorry for getting your car all wet,” I say.

“Oh c’mon, if I didn’t want it dirty I sure as hell wouldn’t’ve come in. This thing is a dumpster anyway.” He doesn’t buckle his seatbelt before driving off  toward the beach. His car is a bit of a wreck with green specks littering the floor and cup holders, the smell of weed still easily distinguishable.

Downtown Matlock Beach is a rectangle of run-down buildings roughly the size of two or three city blocks. There’s the arcade, an old building with outdated games and prizes, the recently renovated cafe where I work, the bank, an antique store, some restaurants, and various self-owned shops. Of them all, the only one which interests me is the comic book store. I wonder if I’ll still be able to go to that alone with how anxious these places make me. Before, Mateo would take me.

East to all the stores is a grassy area with tables and trees. There’s a stage in the middle where a lot of c-tier bands come to play in the summer for tourists.

Today, the water is a jagged sea of white-peaked waves. Normally there are fishermen on the water, some speedboats and a kiteboarder or two, but it’s barren, and not just because of the weather. No one’s really been boating or fishing at all in the past few weeks. In fact, I can recall some warnings not to go in the water at all. Other than being a tourist spot or summer home, this town relies on the lake for fish and summer activities, but those haven’t been possible with the current state of the lake. Parasites making the fish unhealthy, turning their tongues black. Crazy the mundane things you care about when you desperately need to distract yourself.

Joel drives us to a diner I’ve never even noticed before, squished between the arcade and a tackle shop. He parks out front and we run inside.

It’s old as expected. The furniture and interior design all outdated, but not in a nostalgic way. We sit down at a booth with seats made of wood that are faded and chipped all over, right next to a huge dingy window. A waitress comes by and takes our orders, but after that we’re sitting in silence while I spin the salt shaker in circles.

Joel sighs, “I get you’re worried, but they’re going to find him. I promise you.”

I sit with my fist squishing my cheek up, “That’s what I’m worried about. I'm not ready to see what they’re gonna find.” Joel touches the back of his head. “Well, what were you guys up to that night?”

“Why does it matter?”

“‘Cause I get what it’s like for someone to fuck with you, and not just ‘cause of the Toby incident. I’ve dealt with shitty circumstances before, and unlike the cops dealin’ with your case, I give a shit. Maybe I can help.”

“How do you know they dont?”

“I heard the way they talked to you. They think your pain is just another problem in their day, another case they need to solve for a paycheck.”

The waitress drops off some waters, which I swish around endlessly. “If you want to help then I don’t see the harm. We were just filming this stupid video for art class in our backyard. I didn’t see or hear anything weird, he wasn’t acting much weirder than usual that day. Although in the weeks before he had been leaving the house more often than normal. He helped out on my assignment for an hour, until Annie messaged me. I left… and then he was gone.”

Joel barely grazes his finger against mine on the table, he’s leaning forward and speaks softly. “It isn’t your fault.”

“I know, everyone tells me that. But I just can’t shake the feeling that if I were there, it might not have happened.”

“But he was acting unusual you said?”

I look away back at the pouring rain. “He was never really a normal guy, but he’s been leaving for days in the last few weeks. It wouldn’t be odd for someone his age, but Mateo usually kept to himself. When I asked him where he was going he lied to me. But he’s done stuff like that before, I dunno.”

Joel is quiet while he thinks things over. “An’ the cops checked his phone?”

“I don’t know, Dad hasn’t mentioned anything, why?”

“You said he was gonna finish the project after you left, do ya think he might’ve still been filming?”

My stomach drops like a falling elevator. “How did I not think of that? I’m such an idiot!” A fisherman eyes me when I yell, but somehow I don’t even care.

“He left the thing behind?”

“My Dad found it when he went looking for Mateo, but I seriously doubt he knew the password.” Feeling guilty, I leave a small tip on the counter before rushing out the door.

“You mean you actually know it?” Joel shouts over the rain.

“He was my brother,” I reply. “I knew everything.”

***

Joel pulls up to my home, the downpour growing denser until a soft haze covers the ground. As the car slows to a reasonable pace I hop out, and I don’t hesitate to bang my fists on the door when the handle doesn’t budge. “Dad it’s me, open up!” I call.

“He isn’t here,” Joel says.

“Dad open the door!” I cry out, slamming my fists harder. Mateo’s life could depend on that video if he really did record what caught him. There’s no guarantee that it’ll be anything but I have to try. Every second wasted is another where he’s tortured, or sold to human traffickers, or sliced open to be sold for parts. Joel turns me around when I find that the rain isn’t alone in streaking down my face. “This door is too strong to bust down. Let’s find another way in.”

But despite his calm demeanor, I still can’t seem to catch my breath. My breathing steadily grows faster just as my heartbeat. but Joel is eyeing the house up and down. “C’mon.” He gently guides me around the house, while raising his sweater above our heads as shelter. The house is so tiny, practically a trailer home, so there isn’t a lot in terms windows. On the back of the house though, there’s one right next to the back door. I slice open the tips of my fingers trying to pull the thing open, but it barely gives. Joel quickly joins in on heaving the thing, placing a foot on the house to pry it open.

Despite my objections Joel is fine with staying out in the rain while I make a mess of the floor. It doesn’t feel right entering Mateo’s room. People’s rooms are their private places, it’s not something I ever want to intrude on. But I can manage to forgive myself this one time. The phone sitting on his bed is hard to miss and has some battery power left. Just to make sure it wasn’t changed, I type into the password screen, H2H2 and it unlocks. As badly as I’d like to lock myself away in my room, I don’t need to do that this time. Just before leaving I catch sight of something on his desk: Mateo’s sketchbook. I carefully tuck it underneath my hoodie and head back outside where Joel waits.

The trip out from the house, through the rain and to the front porch is only a soaking wet blur, Joel’s voice almost surprises me. “You’re shaking,” Joel notes. I didn’t even notice how violently my hands were vibrating. The fear I haven’t felt in years shows itself with impulses I thought I’d grown past. I open the video and skim past all the school stuff to the part where I left him alone.

The camera recorded the top of our heads as we sat on the grass in our backyard. The sun was just setting while we were talking about how to finish our project, then I received a text. “Oh god, I’m sorry man. I have to go.”

Mateo just laughed softly and said, “No worries homie, we’re basically done anyway. I’ll finish it up.”

“I totally owe you. By the way, is your part of the comic almost done?”

“Five more panels to ink and it’s all yours. But if you really wanna repay me, I wouldn’t mind some help with the last few. I’d value your artistic insight.”

At this point the footage clearly shows me picking my backpack off the ground and heading out. “Awesome, I’ll probably be out late, tell dad not to freak out. See you tomorrow!”

Mateo watches me leave and when I’m out of sight, he simply sits and watches the sun setting. After five minutes or so, he stands and turns the camera to the forest.

“Hmm, sun’s going down. I think I’ll just try to get some b-roll for now. Hey uh, Miles, if you’re watching this I’m sorry but I’m totally not getting this done tonight.”

I laugh as a tear streams down my face. Then the moment it catches my eye I pause it.

“What’s wrong?” Joel asks.

“Do you see that?” I point into the dark of the forest, at the faintly visible glow peeking out of a bush, two pinholes of white light. Joel takes the phone from my hands and examines it closer. “I dunno what I’m looking at here.”

“Nevermind,” I hit play again, and the lights disappear. The only sounds are the creaking trees and Mateo’s breathing. He slowly pans the camera across the trees, and tests various angles and lighting conditions.

Then someone speaks.

It’s difficult to even notice at first, so I crank the volume and both of us inch closer to the speaker. 

“Help… please,” the voice calls. It’s voice chokes over each word as if speaking with a mouth full of water. Unmistakably masculine, but other than that it’s unrecognizable, barely audible. Mateo is on the edge of the frame now looking into the forest with his mouth agape.

“A-are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“Please....”

“Hold on, I’m going to get help.” Mateo turns to run for the house, but he’s stopped in place. I gasp when two arms spring out from the dark and clasp tightly over his mouth. They aren’t visible somehow, the odd lighting of the shot makes it so the arms appear as silhouettes against his skin. Mateo stops wide-eyed before fighting against his attacker. He fumbles over their arms trying to pry them off his face, he tries to yell, but in a moment he’s dragged into the woods all while the person mutters something under their breath. It’s only a few words, but the attacker repeats them over and over while he and Mateo’s muffled screams grow fainter.

The footage is silent for a moment, until louder screams fill the air. Horrifying, pained screams. I turn the phone off, sobbing, unable to breathe. Joel only holds me tight, knowing well that no words could make this okay.

“What was the point?” I ask.

“I dunno, Miles. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. It was a good idea.” But all this video confirmed was my suspicions of Mateo’s violent end. 

“Maybe we’ll still find something of use on it. If not to save him, to bring you some closure. Can I see that?”

I plop the phone into Joel’s hand, he taps a few buttons and hands it back to me. He guides me back towards his car while I cling tightly to the book in my lap. The last piece of him I still have.

“What’s that?” Joel starts the engine.

“Something of his that I need to finish.”

“One day I’ll get some straight answers outta you.” He wipes the wet hair out of my face. “Now c’mon, let’s get you somewhere dry.”

[sagelives]

•·.·'the little thing called sex'·.·•

Warning: mentions of sex and all things that cums with it (bad joke, I’m so sorry you had to endure that)

Okay, TMI Moment (I highly doubt anyone is reading these posts, so I can say what I want): I lost my virginity at 19, and it was….meh. Now, don’t get me wrong. The guy was okay. It was his first time too, but this isn’t about him. For once, this is about me.

Like every girl with access to the internet at a young age, I went searching for everything and found it. I can’t remember my first phone, but I remember vividly the first porn video I seen: on a iPod, in the bathroom of my grandma’s house. I mentioned to push myself in the corner behind the toilet and held the iPod so close up on my face that all I saw was skin and not the actual deed being done. I didn’t know what I was watching at first. I thought it was intense wrestling or something, but whatever it was I wanted to find more.

By middle school, I didn’t care for porn anymore, but I was introduced to Wattpad and Tumblr (and I never them. They are my babies fr). I was reading it, and for some odd reason, the words had more impact on me than the actual videos. I wanted what the characters had - someone who loved them and their body so much. I thought that this was ideal, and I would stare at myself in the mirror, wondering if I would ever be ‘claimed’ the way those girls did in the books (I read a lot of vampire books, so ‘claimed’ was the only word I could think of). I pulled at my skin wanting to match their description, so I could be deemed ‘fuckable’.

I wanted to be wanted at age 16. A crazy age to be thinking about losing my virginity, but for some reason, I felt left out. Like I was missing out on a secret that everyone else around me knew. I wanted that secret to be mine - to have and share it with one person and think nothing of it. Up until a couple of months ago, that’s all I would think about. How I was being left out and left behind. I know now that it wasn’t a race. If anything, I was the only one running.

I lost my V-Card in October, a month after I lied to my best friend, telling her that I lost it. I was so jealous of her because she was sleeping with someone and was ahead of the curve in someone way, so I lied to her. What else was I going to do? Tell the truth like a normal person? No.

So, I lost it, and it was just that. In all honesty, it didn’t feel like I lost anything at all. I didn���t wake up the next morning, looking around the room, asking for it. If anything, I just felt normal (I am sparing you great details because we just met and I don’t think I should tell you everything, everything).

I’ve said all that to say: I think discovering sex at such a young age and continuing to engage in that type of content fucked with my brain a tad bit. I’ve seen what I seen and read what I’ve read, and I thought I would have wanted that for the longest of time. Yet, the truth is, I didn’t. I still don’t, and I’m okay with that, I think. I’m not actively seeking out things that could turn me on, but I’m not ignoring the way my body reacts to certain things either. I’m just going with the flow, and the flow has gotten me this far.

(I’m probably a sex addict in some way, but that’s for Future Sage to deal with. She can handle it just like everything else I mess up.)

I thought this would be a lot longer than this, but I guess I got to my point fairly easy.

Cool. Alright, until next time,

Kisses for my bitches,

Sage!