#I don’t know that they will but I’m just gonna accept it now so I don’t get sad later when shit does hit the fan.
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Hii could we pls get a smut w player 120 x f!reader where were basically a very open n kinda cocky talkative person who tried to be all confident around the games but once stuff gets spicy w Hyun-ju we become quiet n get knocked down a few pegs by her? Pls n thank u!!
Oh yesss absolutely anon!!! I chose to do her before she fully transitioned soo...
Also this turned out more rougher than i thought it would
Title = The Games We Play
Warnings = smut🔞 (MDNI), pegging, semi-hate sex(?), degradation, cum eating, rough sex
Summary = You, all confident and cocky, messes up during a team challenge with Hyun-ju (Player 120), frustrating her. Despite attempting to apologize, Hyun-ju stays angry, leading to a shift in their dynamic that turns intense.
Word count = 2.8k
You had always prided yourself on being the life of the room. Even in a place like this, full of death and violence, you stood out. Everyone else was quiet, brooding, or sizing each other up, but you? You were a force. A smile always on your lips, a quip always at the ready. The players here seemed to appreciate the distraction, and you loved that you could be the one to make them forget, even if only for a moment, that they were all fighting for their lives.
Don’t get it wrong though, you weren’t anything like that… ‘Thanos’ guy. You didn’t have sick thoughts, try to hurt anyone or get high. The only reason you had ended up here was the generational debt. Your grandpa was a great man, but he was the reason your whole family’s financial situation went up in flames. He wasn’t thinking straight one day, and he gambled loads of money away, even money he didn’t have. And that debt slowly passed down to you.
Even then, you had quite the bright nature. People didn’t always resonate with you but you, the ever so sweet person, didn’t treat them any different. Your grandpa managed to decrease the debt into only 73 million won and your parents shortened it into 44 million won. The debt was still a hefty amount, it would probably take you your entire life or even more to earn that from your present job.
Well, that was what you thought until some guy invited you to work at his company and earn loads doing minimum work. The work, the offer in general, felt very creepy to you but you were so desperate to find any sort of reprieve, so you accepted. And now you’re here.
“Aaaa… C’mon, Hyun-ju, you really think I’m gonna let you get away with that?” You teased, leaning back against the wall with a wink, your voice light and teasing as you crossed your arms. “You’ve got to do better than that if you want to win this.”
Hyun-ju, ever the stoic person, only shot you a sharp look in response, but you didn’t mind. You were used to people underestimating you. The confidence you carried was all the armor you needed, and so far, it had worked. But even you couldn’t help but feel the slight shift in the air whenever she was near. There was something... magnetic about her, something that kept you on your toes. Still, you weren't one to let that show. You grinned again, keeping your tone light.
“You know, I’m starting to think you’ve got a thing for me, huh?” You nudged her playfully, voice dripping with confidence as you gave her a look. “Is that why you’re always so intense around me?”
Her eyes flickered briefly, the faintest hint of something in her gaze that you couldn’t place. But before you could tease her further, the moment shifted. You saw her hand reach out, just barely grazing your arm, but it felt different, heavier. More intentional. You glanced at her, a small smirk tugging at your lips.
“Careful, Hyun-ju,” you warned with a teasing chuckle, trying to keep the atmosphere light. “Don’t go falling for me now. I don’t think I’m your type.”
You and Player 120 had decided to go together for the six-legged foot race, and to say you were excited would be an understatement. You were in your element. Cocky, confident, and ready to win. Hyun-ju, however, was a different story. The whole race was supposed to be a breeze, or so you thought. But apparently, your enthusiasm wasn’t enough to make up for the fact that you kept tripping over your own feet and other’s feet.
"Watch where you’re going!" Player 120 snapped as you stumbled for the third time in a single minute. You shot her an apologetic grin, but the frustration in her eyes was hard to ignore. She was always calm, collected, and precise, but today... today, she was starting to unravel.
"Hey, I’m doing my best!" you laughed, brushing it off, but it was getting more difficult to maintain that confident facade. Hyun-ju’s grip on the rope was tight, and her steps were firm. She was dragging you along, keeping you upright as you tried to match her pace, but you were definitely slowing her down.
The more you messed up, the more you could see her temper rising. She kept pulling you back into place with sharp, quick movements, her body rigid with irritation. Each time you missed a step or stumbled, you could feel the tension in her hands grow.
You finally reached a point where you almost collapsed into her after tripping yet again, your legs tangling in the rope. Player 120 hissed under her breath, frustration evident in the way she jerked you back upright. "Come on!" she growled, not bothering to hide the anger creeping into her tone. "Stop messing around. We’re losing!"
You could feel the heat of her annoyance radiating through the rope connecting you two. She was trying her best to stay patient, but the way her brows furrowed and her sharp movements made it clear, this was not what she signed up for.
You, on the other hand, couldn’t stop smiling, despite your constant failures. It was a little funny to you, the way Hyun-ju was getting more and more upset. You could feel her body growing tenser, her pace quickening as she pushed harder, but it only made you feel more careless.
"Hyun-ju, relax, we’ve still got this!" you chirped, but she wasn’t having it.
"Not when you keep messing up every other step!" Her voice was low and tense, the frustration bubbling up to the surface. "Stop trying to make it look easy and focus!"
The mood shifted dramatically, and you could tell Player 120 was barely holding it together. Her teeth gritted in frustration, she tugged on the rope with one firm motion, forcing you to focus. You could see her pushing herself past the point of patience, and that made you swallow your usual cocky remarks. Maybe you’d pushed her too far.
You both hit the final stretch of the race, and with one final, forceful push, Player 120 sprinted ahead. You tried to catch up, but your clumsy movements were no match for her efficiency. You stumbled to the finish line, barely keeping your balance. Player 120 crossed it first, without even looking back. You were sure she didn’t even notice the way her breath came out in sharp gasps, her temper barely in check.
She turned to face you, her eyes narrowing as she exhaled sharply. "Maybe next time you’ll actually try to keep up," she muttered under her breath, her gaze cold and irritated. The playful tone you’d expected from her wasn’t there anymore. She was mad, and it showed.
You could feel the shift in the air between you two, and for the first time, you weren’t sure what to say. Your usual facade faltered as you stood there, caught in the aftermath of your own carelessness.
“Sorry…” You muttered, but it barely seemed to cut through the thick tension. You were silent as you tried to gather yourself. Hyun-ju didn’t seem to hear you, her attention already elsewhere, her gaze focused on the others around the room.
It was clear… you’d pushed her too far, and she wasn’t in the mood for any more of your usual antics. For once, the cocky confidence you usually wore like armor was nowhere to be found.
You stood there, watching as Player 120 walked away, her back rigid and her posture sharp with anger. She was still fuming, and you couldn’t help but feel the weight of the silence between you. The confident, cocky attitude you usually had started to slip away, replaced by the realization that you’d pushed her too far this time. You had messed up, and now, you needed to fix it.
"Hey, Hyun-ju..." you started, taking a hesitant step toward her. "I’m really sorry, okay? I didn’t mean to mess everything up back there. I’ll try harder next time, I swear."
You watched her shoulders stiffen even more at your words, and when she finally turned to face you, there was nothing but coldness in her eyes. The warmth that usually radiated from her was gone, replaced by a distant, almost irritated expression.
She didn’t respond right away, her lips pressed into a thin line as she crossed her arms over her chest. The silence hung between you two, heavier than any of the games you’d played so far.
"I told you to focus," she said, her voice flat, lacking any of the warmth it usually held when she spoke to you. There was no sign of the playful teasing she’d shown before, only a hint of bitterness in her tone. "You didn’t listen. You kept messing up, and it’s frustrating. I don’t want to keep carrying you through this."
Her words stung more than you expected. You could feel the weight of her disappointment, and it settled deep in your chest. This wasn’t just about the game anymore. She was angry, and it wasn’t something that could be fixed with a quick apology.
"Hyun-ju, I—I get it. I really do," you said, taking another step closer, your tone softer. "I’m sorry for letting you down. But you know I didn’t mean to mess things up on purpose, right?"
She looked at you for a long moment, her expression unreadable, and for a brief second, you thought she might soften. But the longer you stood there, the more it became clear that she wasn’t ready to forgive you.
She shook her head, a sigh escaping her lips. "I don’t want your apologies," she muttered, her eyes avoiding yours now, a mix of frustration and exhaustion in her gaze. "I’m not asking you to be perfect, but at least try to take things seriously. We’re in this together, but it’s hard to feel like we’re on the same team when you keep acting like this."
The silence stretched between you as you stood there, unsure of what to say next. Hyun-ju was clearly still upset, but you couldn't just let her walk away like that. You stepped forward, your breath catching in your throat as you noticed the way her back tensed even more with each step she took. You felt an urge to close the gap, to do something—anything—that would get her to soften.
"Hyun-ju..." you called out once more, your voice low, though there was a definite tremor to it. This time, you didn’t wait for her to turn. You caught up with her and grabbed her arm gently, not enough to stop her, but enough to pull her attention back to you. "I’m really sorry. I don’t want you to hate me."
She didn’t say anything at first, and for a moment, you thought you might’ve pushed her too far, but then, she turned her head slightly, her eyes flashing with a mixture of annoyance and something else you couldn’t quite place. You didn’t pull away; you knew she was still mad, but you also knew you couldn’t let this go unresolved.
Her gaze softened, just a little, and when she spoke, her voice was quieter, more intense than it had been before. “You want to make it up to me?”
You nodded quickly, almost desperate. "I’ll do anything. Just… tell me what you need from me."
There was a heavy pause before she spoke again, her tone thick with something you hadn’t heard from her before. "You keep messing up in all the wrong ways, but maybe... I can show you how to make it up. If you’re willing to listen." Her voice dropped lower, and her eyes darkened as she stepped closer, invading your personal space. “But this time… no more mistakes. Understood?”
Your breath hitched in your throat, and the intensity in her gaze was almost overwhelming. You could feel your pulse racing as you tried to keep your composure, but the air between you had shifted again. The playful teasing was gone, this was something else, something heavier, charged with frustration, desire, and maybe even a hint of something darker that you hadn’t anticipated.
You swallowed, your body reacting despite your thoughts. “Understood.”\
Her lips curled into a smirk, and before you could react, her hand was on your chest, pushing you backward gently, but forcefully, toward the wall behind you. The playful, calculated control she usually had was gone, replaced by something far more intense. And this time, it was clear. She was the one in control, no more funny business.
You hadn’t even had time to comprehend what had happened until you found yourself completely undressed in front of her. Your clothes were torn off by her strong hands and tossed to the side.
You let out whimpers as your skin got more and more revealed to the cold air, making goosebumps appear on your skin.
“Not as loud as before huh…” she mutters under her breath, still loud enough for you to hear though.
Without warning, she pulled out her cock from her pants, letting you admire it. She wasn’t the biggest, but it was pretty big. You had no idea how it was going to fit but you were too far gone to go back.
“W-wait! I-I need uh… to prepare…” you say, causing her to halt.
She let out a sharp sigh, before turning to you. “Go do that then. Quickly.” she ordered.
Not knowing what to do, you hesitantly trailed your hands down… to your folds and started rubbing it. You were so unbelievably wet from the situation, it was visible to both you and her. Quickly, you rubbed your hand up and down your folds, letting your fingers get covered in your wetness.
“Mm–mmh…” you moan.
Your breath became erratic, each inhale trembling as you desperately tried to steady yourself. The rapid rise and fall of your chest felt out of control, and no matter how hard you tried, the rush of the pleasure kept pushing the air in and out faster. You could feel your heart racing, thumping in your chest, matching the frantic pace of your breath.
“Keep going… you’re doing great…” she says, hand lightly pumping her cock.
Her words echoed in your mind, stirring something deep within you that you tried to ignore. The intensity in her voice, the way she spoke so calmly, as if she had already won… it affected you more than you were willing to admit. The annoyance bubbling in your chest only made the situation worse. But deep down, you knew. She had you. Every word she said was a step closer to making you forget your own thoughts, your own will.
Not long after, you surrendered to the pleasure, releasing fluids all over your fingers.
“Good… Now clean yourself up,” she says, holding your wrist and bringing your hand in front of your face. Without hesitation, you licked your own fingers, cleaning it. “Good… you’re so obedient now y’know…”
“U-ugh… whatever,” you spat, hitting her with sass.
“Still got some energy in you? I’m gonna fuck that out of you.” she says, her words hitting you like a truck.
—
You couldn't even remember how long it had been. Time had blurred in a haze of pleasure and exhaustion. Each wave of sensation crashed over you, the moments stretching and distorting into something that felt almost unreal. Her hands, relentless, drawing out orgasms you never imagined you could feel so deeply.
The number of times you'd reached that peak was impossible to count. Every time you thought you might finally break, she pushed you further. Your body trembled, weak from the constant overstimulation, but she showed no signs of stopping. The intensity of it all was overwhelming, and despite your fatigue, there was a part of you that couldn’t help but crave more.
It was a strange kind of torment. Your body aching, yet your mind racing with the need for more, for her to continue. It was a mix of pleasure, exhaustion, and surrender. Every touch, every movement, drew you deeper into the overwhelming abyss, until you weren’t sure where you ended and she began.
“A-ahh! Ng-ngghh!” you whimper, not being able to mutter a single normal word.
“Tell me you love this.” she demands.
“I- Ahh! I- I- “ you mutter, quickly being interrupted by her thrusts. Your mind could barely even think, you didn’t know how you were able to respond to her at all.
“Hmm? What was it?” she asks.
“I- I-... I love this!!” you squeal, letting out yet another orgasm before you knew it.
Then she followed, cumming inside you before collapsing beside you.
#hyun ju#squid game#squid game fanfic#player 120#hyun ju x reader#player 120 x reader#squid game x reader#i'm sorry if it wasn't to ur expectation.. 😔
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a requester asked: Travis, Garroth, Laurance, and Gene from MCD with tea, cream, and pumpkin bread. If that works! If it makes any sense star, have an amazing day and don’t overwork yourself!!!
𝐨𝐫𝐝𝐞𝐫 𝟎𝟗: 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐫𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐮𝐩 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐨𝐯𝐞𝐥𝐲 𝐜𝐮𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐦𝐞𝐫!!
𝐭𝐚𝐠𝐬: romantic tension, fluff, teaching/training/mentoring a skill
𝐚/𝐧: i LOVED this one hehe thanks for requesting, and have an amazing day/night! i’ll try not to overwork myself hhahahash but we shall see
𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓 ☆ 𝐖𝐈𝐍𝐓𝐄𝐑 𝐄𝐕𝐄𝐍𝐓 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓
𝐓𝐑𝐀𝐕𝐈𝐒
“I’ll admit, I didn’t expect you to go so hard back there…” Travis winces as he sits on a suitable log, holding up his arm to look at the deep cut he’d acquired in your sparring match.
“I’m really sorry,” you genuinely apologize, sitting next to him. “I thought you were paying attention to my swing.”
“I guess I was distracted by something…” He bites his lip, a fox-like grin spreading on his face that puts his fanged canines on display. “But, ah… I’ve had much worse than this, don’t worry.”
It doesn’t ease much of your guilt, and you reach to gently hold his arm–inspecting it with a frown.
“...If you really want to apologize, why don’t you patch me up?” he suggests, pulling his pack from his back and setting it in your lap.
“I don’t really know how to that well,” you hesitate, eyes wide when he pulls out a needle and thread, setting it in your hands as he wipes the blood from his wound with a clean cloth.
“Then I’ll teach you,” he grins. “I only need a few anyways. It should be easy to do.”
“Uh…”
“Trust me. You’re not gonna hurt me anymore than you already did, beautiful,” he leans closer, eyes lidded as his face hovers near yours.
“I’ll add another cut,” you warn, and the impish man backs away with a chuckle.
“Alright! I can take a hint,” he places his uninjured hand over his chest theatrically. “Even though it hurts.”
He points down at his wound, giving you a pouted lip. “Now, could the pretty woman please grace my wounds with her touch before I bleed out?”
You situate the thread and needle in your hands, feeling nervous again. “Okay… how should I do this?”
“Just carefully thread it through the first couple layers of skin there and pull. Not too deep that out hurts but also not too shallow that it doesn’t hold,” he explains, leaning over you as you carefully do as he says. “Then loop it around there and pull gently… not too tight but enough to connect the skin together again.”
He only winces a bit as he talks, seeming used to the pain. He was right, only a few stitches were needed before the wound was closed, and the healing ointment and bandages he also had in his pack made finishing the job rather quick and easy.
“How’d you learn this?” you ask, as you finish tying it off the end of the bandage.
“Well, not many doctors would accept the son of the Demon Warlock,” he says quietly. “After so many failed attempts of doing it on your own, you eventually learn.”
A wave of sadness washes over you at the admission, the image of a younger version of Travis in pain and tears as he fails to nurse his own injuries heartbreaking to think about. Green eyes dart over your face when you remain speechless, and the man quickly jumps to his feet.
“But! Now you and I both know their technique, so what good are they for anyways?” With his hand held out, he bows to you, offering help to bring you to your feet.
You take it, standing with a quiet sigh.
“Hey, don’t look so upset. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been now that such a fine-looking face worried over me.”
𝐆𝐀𝐑𝐑𝐎𝐓𝐇
Your breath creates steam in the cold air as you stand in front of the dummy, the burlap sacks sliced and stabbed in several places; causing their hay insides to spill onto the ground. Despite the cold, you were warmed up from how long you’d been training with the head guard today, and you’d even shed a layer of your heavy clothing in the process.
Of course, the man in charge of your combat lesson naturally ran hotter than you, so you were both blessed and subjected to his upper half only to be covered by his linen undershirt. Every time he’d demonstrate a way he wanted you to swing or how to change your footwork, your eyes would drift to the thick muscles that pulled against his sleeves and stretched the material over his chest.
Truly, it wasn’t your fault! He was tall enough that those assets happened to be directly within your line of sight, so if anything it was his fault for… being so tall and muscular!
“…No, that’s not what I showed you…” Garroth sighs gently when you once again mess up your stance. Seeming as you hadn’t been paying close attention to his feet when he’d given you a demonstration, you were a bit lost when he put you on the spot.
Walking up to your side, strong arms come around either side of you as he adjusts your grip, his leg coming between yours to push your feet out. You have to stop yourself from letting your jaw fall completely to the floor, the proximity of the man towering over you nearly scrambling any semblance you had left to remain professional.
“You seem distracted today. Are you feeling well?” He asks as he steps away, a concerned look in his eye as he looks over your face.
“Um… no, I’m perfectly fine…” You chuckle nervously, dipping your sword a bit as you scold yourself for your obviousness.
“Are you sure?” he frowns, strong hand landing on your shoulder and squeezing in an act of comfort. It only heats your skin on fire, sending your thoughts reeling. “We can take a break, if you need to.”
“No. I’m alright,” you breathe. “Let’s continue.”
“…Alright, then let’s change from practicing offense to defense,” he gives in to your insistence, walking over to pick up a shield and place it on your arm.
The distance he puts between you a moment later gives you a moment to breathe, but not before he’s readying himself to attack. A sense of panic takes over you as you move to ready yourself, his nod for your short spar to begin coming all too soon.
He charges, and in one swipe the shield is immediately knocked from your hands, the force of his strength immediately overtaking you. You stumble back, and you’re sure you’re set to fall right down on your back as your feet lose their balance.
With a yelp, you tense for the impact, but you only fall for a split second before a hand tightly wraps around your arm. His sword dully falls against the training ground dirt before his other hand shoots your other side, pulling you up in a quick motion to your feet.
Briefly, you’re pressed against his chest, his heart racing against your ear and arms wrapping around you to hold you steady. He’s warm, so warm, that you almost forget the reason he was holding you in the first place. The brief sense of his strong muscles pressed against you is taken away when he pulls you back enough to get a good look at you.
His eyes are wide, unblinking, darting across your form and checking for injuries. “I think… this has been enough training for today. Are you okay?”
You manage a nod, focused in on the rising blush against his ears and cheeks. “Yes.”
“…Good. Now, how about I treat you to a meal?”
𝐋𝐀𝐔𝐑𝐀𝐍𝐂𝐄
“One thing Garroth hasn’t taught you is the art of smooth-talking,” Laurance leans forward, elbows resting on his knees. The calm breeze of the day rushed past the two of you as you sat on the edge of the guard tower, looking out on the village. “It can get you out of any sticky diplomatic situation.”
You cross your arms, humming with a raised brow. “Ah, yes. Something you know all about, huh?”
“I’d never deceive you if that’s what you’re implying,” he says with an offended gasp. “By my honor!”
You can’t help but laugh, turning away to attempt to hide it from him to no avail. When you turn back, he’s looking at you with a soft gaze and quirked lip. He hums, smile widening as he watches your eyes dart away shyly.
“I’m serious, though,” he starts, tilting his head at you with an intent look. “I don’t want you to be in a situation where simply swinging your sword around isn’t going to work and you end up in trouble.”
You deadpan.
“Are you saying I’m a brute or are you insulting my ability to communicate?”
He tilts his head back, hearty laughter dancing into the air as a hand reaches up to his stomach. “Neither! Though if you were a brute you sure are the most beautiful one I’ve ever seen.”
For everything that is good, he really can never let up on his flirting, can he? You lower your head, giving him a glowering look at his insistent teasing within every sentence he utters to you. It wasn’t fair to your poor heart, as it betrayed you with its quick beating in your chest. The way you were never able to fully gain your composure next to him was entirely frustrating.
“Will you continue to display how good you are at smooth talk or are you going to teach me?”
A snort leaves his lips. “Well your methods of intimidation need some work, too-”
You swing, narrowly missing his arm before he scoops your hands up in his. “Hey now! What did I just say about using words over violence? Not off to a good start, huh?”
He softens his smile, lowering your hands. “You have to be personable. To play on the other’s weakness to get the answer you want. I’ll give you an example.”
With a subtle tilt of his head and a pleading lift of his lashes, the man leans forward, his voice softening. “My lady, your forced indifference wounds me to my very core. Can’t you consider my advances as genuine?”
Your body betrays you once again as a rush of blood rises to your cheeks. You’re quick to look away, attending your focus back on the village below you.
“Does that work on most ladies?”
“Oh my, don’t tell me you’re jealous,” he moves his head to get a better look at your expression, his eyes eating up the slight pout on your lips. “I hope you know the only woman I have eyes for is you…”
You don’t respond, and he forms his own answer with an almost giddy smile. He’s quick to return to his suave demeanor only a moment later. “I see. Well, what’s your response? Give me your best shot.“
His smug reaction is enough to make your pride stubbornly rear its head. So you turn to him again, eyes narrowed and face coming only inches from his as you give a similar look that he’d given you only a moment prior.
“I’d appreciate it if you didn’t keep teasing and distracting me on the job,” you whisper scoldingly. “Don’t you think it’s unfair to a subordinate to tempt them all the time from wanting to do anything but their assignment?”
The smug look is replaced with a look of awe and an almost unnoticeable hitch of air caught in his throat. He dares to lean in closer, eyes longing as they drift down to your lips, his own parting for a moment before he clears his throat, leaning back again.
“Ah, good job,” he smirks, though his cheeks are flushed. “Consider me charmed. Though, I already was, so how fair of an assessment can I give…?”
𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄
Wind rushes by your ears as you sprint further into the forest, your breaths quick as you stare down at the ground ahead of you, your feet searching for the quietest part of the ground to step on. Still, the leaves and twigs crunch under your boots, and your lungs loudly gasp for air–the noise echoing off the trees around you.
A large tree looks promising ahead, the trunk wide enough for you to side behind if only for a moment to rest. Your hand meets the rough bark as you swing around to the other side, pressing your back flat against it.
In nature, animals and bugs can sense when there’s a shift in the normalcy of their small lives. They can feel when the energy shifts; when there’s something dangerous nearby. A predator. Something that wasn’t meant to be there.
You can feel it too.
Even if you didn’t, the nature around you gives plenty of warning. There’s no bird chatter or the distant rustling of bushes as critters search for a snack. Eerie silence save for the rushing of blood in your ears settles over, sending a fearful spike of adrenaline through your legs. You can’t tell if it was going to make you take off in another spurt of energy or if it would make you collapse down onto the bed of grass beneath you.
There’s not much time for you to decide which it is before an almost intentional snap of a twig under what could only be a person’s foot sounds from your left. You quickly twist your neck to look, only to be met with more empty forest before your eyes.
A breath brushes against your right ear, low and amused—and most definitely meant to startle you. Arms snatch around your torso, lifting you into the air and against a built chest as you yelp in surprise.
“You, my dear, are not very good at this.” Gene’s lips press against your ear; his breath unnervingly hot.
You swallow, gasping for air while your feet dangle in the air. Your heart feels like it’s going to leap straight out from your throat with every quick harsh beat, making you dizzy as the chase concludes.
“I made it pretty far.” you gasp, pointing your toes to the ground and still unable to gain footing.
“Yet all of the strategies I’ve shown you were nowhere to be found. I could hear you from a mile away, pretty.”
“It’s not fair, you have an advantage by nature…”
A chuckle rumbles from his chest as he slowly sets you down, though his arms still keep you trapped against him.
“That’s true… but I don’t know… I’ve been teaching you these techniques all week and you still haven’t caught on at all,” He muses in a teasing tone, grabbing your chin and tilting you up to look at him. “Maybe I just need to follow you around forever to guard you from attacks.”
His dark eyes dance between blue and red, both deep in hue like blood spilling into the deep ocean. It’s dangerously mesmerizing, entrancing despite your very nature fighting against it. A lithe finger taps against your cheek when you don’t offer him any response, his head tilting at you as his tongue runs over his teeth.
“Hm? Is that it? Should I never let you out of my hands?” He suggests, voice bordering something possessive, or maybe an emotion that ran indescribably further down than that. “Maybe you want that.”
A second passes before he lets you go, gently shoving you ahead. “One more. I’ll give you a longer head start this time.”
“H-huh?” you pant, turning around with wide eyes to look at him as he leans against the tree, not looking worn or phased at all. “Right now?”
“One… two…”
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I need part 3 nEOWWWW
When your friends don’t know best - part 3
Warning- cursing, nudity, violence etc 18+
“Oh my god! I’m so sorry! Are you okay? I had no idea…” you said as you practically ran up to Annie, looking her over.
"it could be worse," Annie said with a shrug as she sipped her champagne. "I mean he could be ugly."
You stared at your best friend like she’d completely lost her mind. “How can you be nonchalant about this? You're the one in danger if I misbehave for fucks sake!" You seethed at her. She was currently clad in a bikini laying out by the pool, like you were on vacation at a resort and not being held against your will.
“where do you think he goes all day anyways?" Annie signaled one of the bodyguards for more champagne and went over to the edge of the pool, dipping her feet in. "However he pays for all of this, is likely time consuming. He is insanely wealthy which comes with a lot of responsibility. Personally I think it's kind of romantic in like a dark way."
"you're insane." You bit out. You were having a hard time not hurting your friend yourself! Why was she on his side? “Why are you taking his side? Do you think I should actually take him seriously after what he,”
“Listen princess,” she cut you off once again,”I know this isn’t what you wanna hear, but you’re gonna have to accept it. If anyone comes looking for us, and if they actually find us, what are they going to do? I hate to break it to you, but this guy has the title and the type of money that laws don’t apply to them. Even if the police listen to our loved ones, the Marquis has an army. They’ll get themselves killed. If we escape, where will we go that he won’t find us? How will we get our papers and book flights to leave without him finding us? If anyone is insane, it’s you! So like I said, at least he’s not ugly.”
You knew she was right but you couldn’t admit it yet. You’d never felt so helpless and trapped in your life. You could feel the tears coming on, but before you’d let anyone see them, you spun on your heel and marched into the house. A few steps behind you were you're faithful guards, always staying close. Only giving you privacy in the bathroom, where they'd wait outside the door. You decided you'd take a bath and think.
You made your way through the massive estate, blind to the priceless antiques and art around you. At first you’d been impressed with his vast collection of priceless artifacts, until you’d realized he’d collected them all, just like you. Now whenever you looked at a famous painting or ancient vase, you imagined your face inserted into the scene. You imagined the Marquis in the background just out of sight, pulling the strings. It made you mad enough to spit.
Coming to the room that you'd been given, you informed your guards that you'd be bathing and they didn't say anything as usual. They just stood to each side of your bathroom door, staring straight ahead like you didn't exist. The first few days you’d been here, you’d begged them to help you escape, but they just ignored you.
You supposed they weren’t terrible since you didn’t think they’d told on you, but they didn’t help you at all either. You’d asked a maid to help you, and she’d told the Marquis. He’d told you this, by hooking Annie up to electrodes and shocking her until she’d thrown up all over herself.
That had shut you up until today, when you finally got to see Annie again, only for her to be on his side. You suppose you’d likely say the same to her, if the roles were reversed. She was practically a whipping boy and if you felt helpless, she must feel even worse. You needed to apologize after you had some time to gather your thoughts alone.
Making your way in the bathroom, you turned the water on and threw a bath bomb in the water. Undressing and taking your hair down, you stepped into the purple tinted water and tried to clear your mind so you could face your best friend and that man.
You gazed out the window at the setting sun and wondered if it was dinner time. You contemplated what you would wear, and what you could say to make Annie feel safer. It was your fault she was here.
So lost in the warmth of the water, and your thoughts, you didn't notice someone had entered the bathroom.
"it must be my birthday." The Marquis said in a low husky tone.
You're eyes shot open so fast that you wouldn't have been surprised if they had popped out of your skull. You sat up quickly, causing a large rush of water to spill out of the bath across the floor. You tried to cover yourself as much as possible, but when you locked eyes with the Marquis all your panic seemed to melt away.
"you're ok. You can trust me my love." He stated as he made his way to the side of the tub.
You couldn't explain it, but you believed him, and even though something in the back of your mind screamed danger, the longer you stared into his eyes, the less you felt like he was anything but safe.
You lowered your arms to reveal your chest and his eyes lit up in interest. You tried to think why he'd be interested in your chest but got nothing. You couldn't think and you couldn't look away, but you knew that something about that wasn't right. Your father had always said you were the most stubborn child alive, when you thought you were right, and you knew that was true.
A look of determination crossed your face and the Marquis couldn't help but chuckle. You could see the devotion and admiration in his eyes and it was flattering. This beautiful, wealthy powerful man wanted you, and you couldn't think of why that was a bad thing. Not with him right there.
Wait a minute. What were you thinking such nice things about him for? You forced your eyes away from his and stared down into the water at your toes.
Your toenail polish looked terrible. It was all chipped and your nails needed a trim. You also needed to shave your legs and underarms, but had not bothered keeping up with your appearance since you didn’t want him to like you.
You snapped your head to the side, remembering he was in the bathroom with you and wondered how you could possibly forget his presence like that.
Your eyes widened at the sight of a very naked man climbing into the large bath with you. When had he taken his clothes off? You closed your eyes, and searched the last few minutes and could only see his handsome face. When you opened them again and found he was only inches away from you, you didn’t handle it well.
You screamed.
You began to fight him but neither of you could find purchase in the slippery soapy water, so you both just tumbled around. You attempted to stand but fell on top of him twice, and realized he was laughing.
You tried to hold yourself off of him, but slipped again and he was no help since he was laughing so hard he had tears in his eyes. Finally becoming irritated you snapped, "what is so damn funny?"
He took another few seconds to calm before pulling you on his lap and snuggling up to you affectionately. "In all my years on this earth, no woman has been so silly as you. I have always been successful with women, so I suppose I find the futility of it all, very amusing." He smiled into your skin before kissing you on the forehead. "I've had more fun with you this last week, than I've had the past 100 years."
"why do you say shit like that? You're not old, nobody is that old." You snapped. You were getting really sick of his strange comments.
He smiled a huge toothy smile and you noticed he had fangs. Rolling your eyes, you reached out and poked his fang, only for it to cut your finger. "Jesus! Did they file those down sharp enough?" You shouted, putting your finger in your mouth. You’d heard of people having their teeth filed down to resemble predators, but you didn’t think someone of his status would participate in such a trend.
You glared at him only to be met with yellow eyes, with slit pupils like a snake. Your breath caught in your throat as your mind tried to find a logical explanation for green human eyes, to shift to yellow snake eyes but you were coming up with nothing. You could feel your fight or flight mode kicking in, but you just stared at him wide eyed and frozen.
"Do you see mon Cherie?" He whispered.
You shook your head that you did not, and he closed his eyes and chuckled. When he opened them again they were their usual green again. You wondered if you’d hit your head when you had been trying to get away from him, and then contemplated if he wasn’t somehow slipping drugs into your food.
You looked down so you didn't get trapped in his stare again and looked up again quickly. You weren't sure how you forgot you were both nude, but now you'd seen his dick and it was hard. Should that even matter at this point? He had fucking snake eyes for fucks sake, and you're scared of a dick?
"tell me what you are thinking." He purred.
You tensed at the sound of his voice. Frantically running through different responses, you finally settled on one “What are you?"
The silence was palpable. As the seconds, turned into minutes, you finally turned to look him in his eyes and ask again, only more firm, "tell me what you are Vincent."
You were worried you’d forget yourself again if you stared into his eyes too long, so you made to get up and put some space between you two. His arms reached up and pulled you close to him. You knew you couldn’t overpower him, so you allowed yourself to go limp and huffed out a long sigh.
He sighed too, and just as you began to try and get up again, he spoke into your ear. "I am a vampire. I have lived 400 years, but only 8 of them are worth mentioning. Those blissful years I spent in the company of my soulmate Arielle, whose soul now lives within you.”
Your mind came screeching to a halt as you searched for something to say. All you could come up with was “how?” You weren’t sure what you even wanted to know but were relieved when he began speaking again.
“Arielle wished to be a mother, and only those born vampire, are able to produce offspring. Since she was born human, she wanted to have children before she would allow me to turn her.” You pulled your face back to look into His face. “She was killed when she was 8 months pregnant with our daughter. She was burned alive by her own brother. She had told her family the truth about me, even though I advised her not to.”
“What did you do?” You asked in spite of the fact you were sure it was a terrible fate that fell on Arielles’ family.
“I destroyed them of course. Not only them, but every person that saw her burn and did not stop it. Every villager, servant and beggar that did not even question why such a perfectly pure soul, was destroyed, and I am not sorry.” He looked you in the eyes, “I’d do it again.”
And you knew without a doubt, that he was telling you the truth. You knew he was capable of destroying an entire village in his rage, and you thanked god, that he thought you looked like Arielle. “So I look just like your wife?”
“No you have many differences in appearance. Same color hair, but her eyes were a soft brown and she was not so tall. She was not so lean as you are either. She was beautiful as you are, just in a more common way.” He explained.
Your brows knitted in confusion. “Then why do you think I have her soul?”
“Because I can recognize it.”
“ my soul?” You asked again.
“Souls are very ancient living things. They are unpredictable. I can’t begin to tell you exactly how it works. Some you never see more than once, while others bounce from life to life without a pause between. I do not know why or how they choose to live, but I can recognize them, just like you can recognize your friends and family. When you are a vampire, there are additional senses you acquire over time.” He explained.
“So you have powers?” You asked.
“Maybe,” he smirked.
His eyes darkened and he’d never looked so attractive as he did now. He bit his plump lip and slowly brought his face closer to yours. “May I kiss you?”
“Only if you promise, not to bite me.”
His brow shot up incredulously, and he wrapped his big hands around your waist and sensually spoke into your ear, “I promise.”
You nodded, and before you could blink you were out of the tub and in the bedroom, in the Marquis strong arms.
The Marquis laid you on the bed gently and then got on his knees between your legs. “What are you doing?” You asked nervously, as he pushed your legs apart so he could fit between them comfortably.
“I’m giving you a kiss.” He smirked up at you, before leaning forward and taking your sex in his mouth, and devouring you like a man starved.
Clutching the sheets so hard that the corners came loose, you couldn’t help but to fall apart. Never had anyone made you feel this way, and you wondered if this was possibly one of his powers. While you wouldn’t call yourself a slut, you’d had your fair share of lovers over the years, but none came close to what he was doing. Maybe it was the hundreds of years he’d been alive. How many pussies had he eaten?
Your climax slammed into you so hard, and sudden you screamed for the second time that day. Your head spun and your legs shook uncontrollably. You’d read about legs shaking from orgasm, but had never thought it was true till this moment.
Suddenly you felt lips pressed to yours in the gentlest kiss. You’d reached up and ran your fingers through his hair as you pressed him into the kiss. You couldn’t help but taste yourself on his lips, but it didn’t gross you out. You wondered if he was going to fuck you now and were surprised when you realized you wanted him to.
“I was supposed to be getting you for dinner.” He mumbled, breaking the kiss. “Annie is waiting.”
“Oh my gosh, it’s been forever!” You shrieked as you wriggled out from beneath him and rushed to the closet. “I wanted to apologize to her and I’m making her wait now too?”
The Marquis chuckled as he watched you rush around the room getting dressed like the house was on fire.
You ran in the bathroom and picked up his clothes, rushing back to the bed and tossing them down beside him. Grabbing his underwear, you began to put them on him. “I must say, not many women have ever put my clothes on.” He mused.
“Stand up,” you ordered. He obeyed and you got his boxers in place. Grabbing his pants you shimmied then up his legs, before grabbing his undershirt. Slipping the shirt over his head and tucking it, you reached for his button down shirt and pulled it on, pressing it down, attempting to remove as many wrinkles as possible. You buttoned it and tucked it into his pants, before securing them with his belt.
“My god you have complicated outfits, but you always look amazing so I guess it’s the price we must pay,” you said as you smiled up at him. He was looking at you with the strangest look on his face, but you were in too much of a hurry to think about what it could mean. Grabbing his vest, you put it on, followed by his blazer. There were still a few accessories on the bed, but you figured you’d done well enough when you fastened his ridiculously expensive watch into place. “Okay, you’re not perfect, but good enough for me. Let’s go eat! I’m starving.”
You didn’t notice the look of amusement on the Marquis face as you dragged him out of the room barefoot as you were. The fact you’d chosen a $10,000 dollar Zuhair Murad beaded mini dress, and threw it on like it was an old hoodie, made you that much more endearing. He wondered if you were even aware of the couture designer. He was a personal friend of his and he tried to imagine the man’s reaction to witnessing one of his creations worn by a barefoot girl, dragging a French aristocrat through his home like a naughty puppy.
You looked back at the Marquis and smiled at his dopey looking face. He wasn’t so bad when he wasn’t being an overbearing, controlling psycho. Maybe Annie was right and you should just make the best of this whole situation. Maybe he’d even let her go.
#bill skarsgard#bill skarsgård#my writing#marquis de gramont#the marquis#vincent de gramont#john wick 4#when your friends don’t know best
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Okay so I don’t have anything nearly as in depth to say but I do have some thoughts. This is more in general fandomness not just queer related media. So some context: This isn’t my art account but I do make fanart and societal views of the media greatly affect what I may end up posting. I recently became a fan of a kpop band and drew one of the band members. I was scared to post it cause of so many what-ifs and the fact that it didn’t get it to look quite right. But that’s beside the point. Anyway, when I went to talk to friends about if I should post it one of them pointed out some things I had never thought about. So kpop, anime, and other media doesn’t have a good reputation where I’m from though anime has become more accepted. My friend said “So you know how a group of women isn’t evil. But then when a group of women like something it’s given a bad reputation?” Something along those lines but they said it better than I could put into words. And I feel like this has to do with the “only straight women like this media”. It’s mysogenistic. And also just incorrect in the grand scheme of things. So many people like a variety of things but when certain groups of people like something people will attack it just using the basis “well these people like it so it must not be good”. Which, is just so odd. Why would a group of people liking something somehow affect the quality of media? Like I’m sure it would have some influence but not in the way that is used in such an argument. I want to go on more but honestly can’t figure out how to go on so pls add to this. (Sorry if this doesn’t make much sense, I’m not quite sure how to properly express my thoughts)
Now onto a different topic. So I’m a fan of very niche things and highly enjoy my corny cheesey little shows. Some of which I would recommend to my friends until they called one of my shows cringe. Which, okay if it isn’t your thing I completely understand. But it’s a show I’ve expressed that I loved and even recommended. Now if you want to call my show anything call it corny, cheesey, goofy, cause it is. It’s overly dramatic yeah but that’s its vibe. Cringe is so overused and just saying stuff like this made me more wary about what shows I offer people and avoid shows that maybe they would actually like. If you’re going to criticize something, don’t just use negative words. Call it what it is. If it’s cheesey or over dramatic maybe it won’t have that gritty plot line you’re looking for but it’s not supposed to have that. It’s supposed to be a lil goofy, it’s supposed to be fun. Yeah it’s ‘unrealistic’ but the characters have super powers so it was never meant to be. Hell even if they didn’t have powers sitcoms exist for a reason. (Rak Diao, my love).
Another lil tidbit I wanted to add on was just basic understanding of media. I’ve talked about this before so I’m just gonna copy and paste it but edit it to make sense in this context:
So I find I don’t understand everything. By this I mean I can take one understanding of a piece, look at the piece again and just be like damn how on earth was I so wrong before? It’s why I like giving shows a second chance. Cause I might of completely misunderstood what’s happening or maybe I never knew in the first place. It’s just the meaning I took at that time and now I’ll learn something else from it. Like something I might misremember or have a bad impression of I’ll go back and recheck and be like, yeah no I was so wrong. This is great! And vice versa, I’ll be like man this is so good, rewatch and notice things that are a bit iffy. And just go hmmmmm. Just enjoy what you enjoy and don’t be afraid to try things again or let things go. Also, a lot of things fly over my head in shows cause I’m not aware or conscious of everything and I don’t know all the experiences or relevant ties things may have so it’s always good to double check or get a second pair of eyes. (See I read an entire book thinking the main character was a boy. It wasn’t until literal years later I found out the main character was a girl. Did this change much of anything? Not really. But it’s an example and I still thought the fairy and main character were going to end up dating. Alas they did not.)
I hope some of this made sense. T^T
Putting my thoughts out here is terrifying, cause of again all those what-ifs. Anyway, I don’t know how to uh end my lil spiel so yeah. ( ̄▽ ̄;)
a question for QL fandom at large: when did we start only wanting media that is perfectly suited to our standards?
there has never been a perfect show, and there never will be a perfect show, because everybody likes different things and QL is run on shoestring budgets. i thought this was something we made our peace with as viewers of the genre!
so i'm just wondering at what point fandom decided that a show is only worthy of praise/fandom if it has no problems?
at what point did we decide that talking about the problems of a show is more important than talking about what we did enjoy and what kept us watching? i don't know when it happened, but it definitely has. critique is treated more seriously and gets more interaction than people talking about what they like.
it seems like a really exhausting and slightly puritan way to do things, to be constantly finding imperfections and treating them as more important than the good parts. dunno about y'all but i don't want to be unintentionally enacting puritan shit.
i want joy, i want fun, i want the spirit of camaraderie in fandom.
so, why did fandom begin to snub any media that didn't fit very high standards? and how can we steer ourselves away from that impulse?
(i am genuinely curious about why this is happening and how those of us who don't enjoy it can change, so please feel free to jump in, even if you are 'late' or think you only have a very small contribution to make to the discussion.)
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dandelion is indeed the worst but if he’s not present in the next book i would legitimately be sorrowful as the whole thing will become a slog . you basically cannot have the “short stories” era-of-the-timeline iteration of geralt without dandelion, it would be like eating unbuttered bread.
though it’s not like season of storms did them dirty, i wasn’t disappointed with it (… with regards to them), but since it’s literally been over 20 years since the saga was finished i’m trying to prepare for any potential reality
#however i will accept an absence of dandelion IN THE CASE OF we get to see geralt and yennefer living together in vengerberg#but if it’s regular geralt day in the life then if dandelion’s not there it’s gonna suuuuuccckk#i mean as in geralt’s life sucks without him. badly#and it also? sucks with him. good-ly.#it’s august and we don’t have a title yetttt 🥲 and they said 2024 … hmhm sure#i just feel like rupaul ‘and don’t fuck it up’.gif#like i’m excited but also wtf? new witcher book? are we on punk’d?#it’s not going to be the best but i’m hoping it will be at least as good as season of storms. not a high bar ok!#this from the person who was optimistic about the n*tflix show. don’t trust me i like to believe in the future#i was going to say ‘and i trust sapkowski more than i trust n*tflix’ and then i laughed.#i don’t trust him—i don’t even trust the version of him from the 90s and 00s!#one side of me can’t believe i’m still here after the guardswomen of kerack. and the ‘well i’m only gay for clout’ villain motivations#the other side of me is intensely curious wtf geralt will get up to this time and how witcher could maybe even denigrate further#but season of storms ending was actually good and = well it’s not like sapkowski forgot what it was about#then again it’s been 10 years and a bad adaptation since then so im biting my nails#all i ask : please stick with the naming convention of the other books. i don’t want to write an absurdly long or short name or acronym out#sooooo weird that in a few months i will be saying: there are 9 witcher books.#actually rn i just say there’s 7 and discount season of storms as a legitimate heir but mention it as footnote lol#i just hope i can survive until this new book and until its translation LOLLLL#they said translation in 2025 but you know the track record#new book: *releases winter 2024* | english translation: coming 2045!#jk i think they finally figured out that witcher is a money printer so they will be eager to translate it now and not waffle around#they kicked their butts into gear with the hussite trilogy so ! and they made new hardcovers.#the elbow-high diaries#new book 2024
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got a friendship bracelet in the hotel lobby this morning so austin 2k24 is off to a great start
#other than me forgetting my wallet and starting my period and looking for chairs everywhere in this god forsaken city and and and#it’s okay y’all!!! things are looking up until things go horribly wrong from a race perspective this weekend#I don’t know that they will but I’m just gonna accept it now so I don’t get sad later when shit does hit the fan.#anyway. will be taking a stroll (not lance) around the circuit today so if anyone is feeling friendly lmk and we’ll meet up!#i’m rambling again aren’t i?
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I was PEACEFULLY watching a show and I was NORMAL about it which has NEVER happened before and I was so EXCITED to finally have a show to watch comfortably and casually and not INSANELY and this ADORABLE, SMARMY little fuck came along and he’s FUNNY and ANNOYING and SMART and a PAIN IN THE ASS and he READS BOOKS, and JANE AUSTEN and he loves MUSIC and he wears LAYERED SHIRTS and SWEATERS and he has BROWN EYES and a CUTE SMILE and now I’M IN LOVE AND I’M MAD ABOUT IT.
#I don’t even know what happened 😭#I thought I was gonna have a show I would love and NOT have a character I obsessed over#just characters I loved a normal amount#but he fills out like 8 separate things I find attractive in men#and just one of those would’ve been enough to sell me on it but 8???#this is ridiculous and very upsetting#and also I’m so happy and I love him so much#I just now am also coming to accept that I will probably never be normal about anything and I should’ve given up a long time ago#I was so sure I would be tho 😭#ah well#anywho#❤️❤️❤️
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“hey so we’re gonna need you to focus up and pay attention and not talk for 3 hours straight. and no you can’t look at your phone or ask brief questions or think out loud and 98% of what will be said won’t apply to you.”
“also i know you have adhd and that you said your adderall wore off but so do i. you just have to learn.”
do you seriously think i am capable of that. what if i blew you up with a cool wizard beam attack? what if the beam was purple.
#this is NOT a threat aimed at anyone specifically AT ALL#i will not commit violence NOR WILL I CONDONE IT#but honestly i’m so fucking TIRED of being told to ‘just pay attention’ and ‘work harder on focusing’#i have a fucking DISORDER WHERE MY BRAIN DOES NOT FUCKING WORK CORRECTLY#well i have adhd too. everyone does.#okay? what type then? you on adderall? how many jobs did you lose because of it?#how many times have you almost had to deal with legal issues because of it? how many times did you almost fail college because of it?#i’m tired of ableism by people that ‘have adhd too’#you know good and goddamn well we aren’t all the same and severity and symptoms differ from person to person#honestly this is about a hobby that i love doing that i’m now considering quitting#i’m not the only victim to the overall ableism BUT#refusal to accommodate and demanding compliance in a space that’s supposed to be accepting#yeah no. i can’t sit for 4 fucking hours off adderal and do nothing#and it’s like i do do something for a cumulative 1 hour of that time#i am seriously considering quitting and it breaks my heart#adhd#ableism#i don’t want to but i also don’t want to deal with ableism everything i do something non neurotypical that people have decided is#‘distracting’#i’m making quiet comments under my breath not to anyone next to or near me#and i’m not really willing to go through the process of trying to explain this shit to ableists who claim having the same disorder makes#our experiences and disability levels the same#i’ve had to fight this shit my whole life. i do this hobby because it’s fun#it’s not fun if you’re gonna tell me to sit and do nothing for 4 hours and get mad when i stop paying attention#or if i ask questions or talk to myself.#i’m so fucking tired of this shit.#my grown adult ass is now at the point where i do whatever the fuck i want forever#and sitting around for 3 cumulative hours is not what i fucking want to do
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more frequently than i expect, i will meet a grown ass adult who does not know how to properly recycle
#i always feel like the xkcd comic bc like#i’m aware the average person doesn’t check the limits of their local facility#and i know i cannot talk to most people about how broken the system is or it’ll sound like im anti environmental even tho thats the opposite#of what i’m trying to say#listen man. i know im Deep In It bc this is a topic ive cared about for forever#but i’ve seen both ‘idk what’s recyclable so i don’t try’#and ‘everything plastic is recyclable right. i’m just gonna put everything in there’#bro we have got to figure out how to get PSAs out to people now that no one watches actual tv#(frequently. just because something has the symbol on it doesn’t guarantee anything. usually only PET is actually recycled#the number is just to indicate that someone somewhere has figured out how to recycle it#but most facilities find it cost prohibitive :)) so it tends to get thrown out#or shipped overseas to go to a landfill/get incinerated there)#(there is also a difference between the chasing arrows symbol and a solid triangle with a number#and environmentalists have tried to hold plastic companies accountable for that#and they just went umm it’s not misleading just get better eyes)#(and the how2recycle infographics are again. just a hypothetical#you should always check what your local facility actually accepts)#(and people rarely rinse their shit our first)#(in general tho you should be ok to put anything with the symbol in the bin. you cannot just throw trash in there#if the lot is too contaminated with non recyclables they will unfortunately just throw everything away!)#mine
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Can I have a hug
#side effect of slowly getting better is I now have to work out how to have a life after when it feels like I ruined everything#I know I didn’t and my illness would’ve done this eventually but it feels like it cause my degree is worthless now#can’t do any of the jobs that I was going to do anymore#can’t do most entry jobs#can’t do retail or food service or most peoples first jobs#don’t really have irl friends anymore#I’m just. ugh.#my parents said they’d pay for me to go to college again so I can get a degree that works for remote jobs with higher pay than my original#field. which isn’t hard bc that pay was gonna be 20k a year for like six years lmao#and I did stumble across some resources for which doctors can treat my illnesses in Europe so I could try to use it as a way to finally#fucking leave this country but idek how I’d go about getting accepted to a university anywhere if I already have a degree that just doesn’t#work for me anymore#and I’m sad that I can’t do the career I poured my soul into for so long#and I miss my friends and feeling confident#I’m glad I’m getting healthier enough to think about after but I’m terrified and exhausted just thinking about working out how to find what#comes next and what’s possible#and I’m just really really sad#and I’m scared of getting too hopeful about anything#I really miss Austria and people have said I’d really like Germany and I’d love to move but I’m scared I’ll research and find nothing
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Today was the second birthday this year of a friend that I thought I was really close with that i didn’t get invited to
#birthday#fake friends#friend group#I’ve literally counseled this girl through half her shit this year and then she doesn’t even invite me to her birthday that she invited#people she barely talks to too and then after that she turns around and hangs out with my fucking brother of all people#I can’t wait for a new school next year so I can finally get away from the people who stopped appreciating me a long time ago#I know it sounds kinda selfish but I truly have not done anything (in the last 4 years) to ever hurt or fully disregard them and I really#don’t know what happened#one week we were waking to and from school together everyday and now I feel like I’ve been rejected from our walking group and I’m literally#uncomfortable walking with them in the mornings because they just fully ignore me the entire time#this isn’t even about just the one friend anymore#this is also happening with someone else who was supposed to be my best friend and now she barely talks to me anymore#and like I can accept that we’re not bffs anymore cause it happened a year or two ago so I’ve moved passed it#but she just pretends I don’t exist anymore#we have like three classes together and on snap she got an send it that’s said like tag your fav people on each class#and when I tell you i was in the room with her when she posted I and she didn’t even mention me#istfg#im gonna stop now because this is getting extremely ranty but I can’t really talk to anyone about this irl so this is just my vent space now
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long winded rant in the tags coming that’s partly about weight but in a very unfiltered sad way so if that triggers you do Not read on
#on holiday I was like oHHHHH this is what living in the moment is! What listening to your body is! what not worrying about how you look is#but doing what makes you happy#and then …… I came home and got sent the pictures#+ my friend being. unintentionally fatphobic as fuck#while hurtful as fuck too#and it’s all just been piling up too since I got home because I’ve been having a lot of conversations and seeing a lot of people that#confront me with who I used to be and who I am now and how I’m really not happy with that#and it feels like it’s not gonna get better#like I’m destined to be in a job I like but isn’t what I want because I’m not capable enough and I’ll never know what romantic requited love#feels like. I’ll never cure my vaginismus I’ll never be able to let someone in or they won’t want me this is just it for me#and SOMEHOW the way I look has become the ultimate culmination of all those things?#my face is suddenly a woman in her thirties face#I keep gaining weight despite not even eating all that much because FUCKING PCOS makes it impossible#my hair in my face grew back. my stomach is hairy and that plus the added beer belly just makes it look like I’m a 50 year old man#I am soooooooo tired of the dysphoria#and the way pcos ruins fucking everything because I can restrict calories all I want and move all I want but will it help ? No !#and of the fact that it impacts the way I feel about myself so much because I’m convinced now I’ll never find anyone#should have tried harder when I was 21 because that was the only time in my life I reasonably fit society’s standards like That was my shot#I’ve been taking supplements everyone says will help but I’m not sure I noticed anything in the past six months and I can’t take berberine#because it fucks with my heart medication. which. That too. I have that too#and I’m in pain! All the time now! ALL THE TIME so I can’t even work out to keep the weight stable because guess what ?#just after a normal day at the office I come home and have to lie down because everhthing hurts so much !#today I got an impromptu massage in an attempt to feel better but it didn’t fix shit and I had to buy clothes for kings day after#and I didn’t try them on just quickly grabbed some orange shit to try on at home and at what I saw in the mirror I genuinely got nauseous#I just don’t know who that is in the mirror but it’s not me and I can’t accept it. I’ve been trying so hard but I can’t#it genuinely makes me so sad and I keep telling myself that a reduction will help in feeling more like myself and it will help with the pain#but what if it doesn’t? what if my pain doesn’t go away after af all and my stomach just juts out and I feel like a gremlin all the time#what then. what the fuck do we do then. also I’m so fucking scared of that surgery anyway that I don’t fucking want to do it anymore#I want so many things and all of them feel out of reach and I know my own brain is my worst enemy and it’s not rooted in anything real but.#Isn’t it? really — isn’t it???????
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i won’t apologize for being a hater. seeing comments on chappell roans posts about being too hypersexual and needing to dial it down (mmm dial what down. say it very explicitly to me. what is making you uncomfortable in your own very clear words) and directly contrasting it with renee rapp just made me not like that girl even more i’m sorry! maybe she should try not being an annoying blonde bi girl who only seems to hang out with other blonde bi girls making mediocre pop. whoops
#is my opinion on her subject to change sure maybe and if you like her by all means don’t let me being mean take that away from you#but that was just. the quiet part out loud. renee is accessible and still not so visibly overtly queer but enough to be like#Tehe girls are sooo pretty#and um cater to that sort of crowd. chappell you have to love and celebrate and embrace queerness wholeheartedly#it’s making me sooooo mad like chappells music is so representative of the fun flirty ways EYE like to express myself#and has made me feel comfortable in that literal sexuality part of my sexuality. and ur gonna sit here and put her down in favor of…#i can’t like i can’t i’m sorry i want to watch that show and you know how much i want to support women and queer women specifically#so yeah again i’d keep my mouth shut in the general public but that fucking brand of sapphic queer Will Not Say The Word Lesbian vibe of#person. i can’t stand you.#you are a traitor to dykes everywhere and you need to do a lot of work. not saying that’s all her fans but WHATEVER i’m not qualifying my#stupid complaining right now it’s my blog#abby talks#this is giving smith college problem and i accept that#and general blanket apology for comparing two queer things when u know there r so many more serious issues in the world#however i’m here to complain about whatever the hell is annoying me. so.
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I wish I could inject pasilyo into my brain so I can have permanent happiness
#There’s this specific part of the song#It srsly alters my brain chemistry#Anyways#i hate tumblr sm#Idk like I Gen hate being on here sm#No matter what account I make no matter if I tell ppl about it whether I don’t tell ppl I just hate this place soooo much#Like if I have a following it sucks because it’s rlly lonely if I don’t it’s still lonely and then if there’s nobody at all it’s lonely#Loneliness is what got me to discord boy so like :D#The fact I am genuinely missing him sm I’m gonna krill myself 😻🙏#Also I think I hate talking to minors cause these kids be letting themselves get groomed all the time I’m so tired of seeing it#The creep in my course is being so weird to Raisa who is a minor … I can’t help but think it’s all my fault … I invited her to the pharm gc#To show her how messy it was ….#I didn’t expect her to follow and accept requests of everyone …#Anyways I just am so annoyed. Like I wish I could have one person just one where I can be confident in being their no.1 but every time I th#Think I’m maybe somewhere high up on someone’s list of important ppl I realise I overestimated my position even tho I’m rlly self conscious#And being myself down over that. Also I still hate Eid. I hate Eid sm. How do ppl genuinely enjoy Eid. Idk if I’ve ever been excited for Ei#It’s like I’m just suddenly getting more sick of ppl by the day. I Gen don’t like talking to ppl at all even tho I used to rely on talking#To others like its sustenance now it’s just such a hassle to me because I’m so sick of being unimportant to literally every single person I#Have ever known. Literally everyone except maybe dahlia idk. the only person who has never gotten mad/snapped at me o is dahlia#And knowing my luck that will soon be taken from me too. Anyways good riddance to tumblr i loathe this site and im sick of the mind games#All the time from just existing on here. Gen makes me feel ill. I’m so sick of that girl I like and sick of everyone. The only time ppl car#Is when I cause a scene. And ykw atp I loathe being showed sympathy and pity for these sorts of posts because it just feels like a big joke#Cause why couldn’t you just care when I was fine. Why do you ONLY care when I’ve had enough of your bad behaviour. How does one make someon#Like me go mad with all these things#Istg if I come back to this dumb site whether to this acc to the tora one or my other account everyone has permission to beat me up.#dora daily#Tldr;I HATE ppl and everyone ever + I’m just sick of pretending like everyone doesn’t suck cause how can ppl be so insufferable intolerable#Insane horrible in every way and ppl like them. How do they live with themselves when they’re this aggravating. Every day I hate ppl more#Because their mannerisms their everything is just so embarrassing.#Essay tags 😻😻😻
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exhausted dot png
#i’m cishet neurotypical for the weekend right and i guess bc i was cishet half of the time just two short years ago i thought this would be#a lot easier than it is? like i underestimated how exhausting this would be#not to sound Like This but hanging with all of these protestants really is so different than the catholics. maybe bc i’ve been largely surro#unded by catholics so im well adapted to dealing with them lol idk.#it’s just. i accepted that the cousins wouldn’t accept me if they ever knew but my beloved beloved great aunt…..#my mom is so sure that she would accept me if she knew but i’ve been telling her i don’t know i don’t know now that she’s a protestant it’s#different…. and lo and behold every other fucking word out of her mouth is virulent shit#and idk what to do with it.#i love her too much to lose her over this (for now) but christ i nearly told her i was a dyke at lunch today just to get her to shut up abou#t trans people.#i have no desire for my family to ever know i’m genderqueer bc i don’t need them to know but eventually my aunt is going to need to know the#homosexuality and this trip has just emphasized how. man it’s gonna be shit isn’t it. no doubt to cling to anymore.#anyways i’m expected to go to baptist church tmrw morning and autism brain i kind of want to go just to see what it’s like but me brain i’m#just. so tired. and even if the transgenders don’t get brought up in the service i don’t think i want to go anyways.
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I wish my parents didn’t think it’s unfair of me to want them to accept me unconditionally
They say they do but it’s a very Christian way of love the sinner hate the sin
My dad said that to me tonight
#I never wanted more than to take my own life as an act of revenge which is very unhealthy thinking DONT do that#my parents are Christian and so they view their love for me as unconditional#but i said to them: you don’t want to be in the gay part of my life that’s not unconditional#“i love you unconditionally but I can’t accept your lifestyle”#my brother in Christ that’s literally putting a condition on love#my parents don’t know I’m getting married and I felt some guilt about it but now I just feel sad#they follow the Bible so much that they would miss out on my wedding if I had been marrying a woman#and that was my worst fear and I thought I was over it but hearing my dad directly say it made me cry#the worst part is they think they love me unconditionally and that I’m being unreasonable#my mom got so upset that I’m pushing them away but at this point it’s like#you don’t want to know about this part of my life which is important to me#so why keep up our relationship when eventually you’re gonna pull back and disapprove of the choices I make#I wish I wasn’t gay sometimes it would save me a lot of grief
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