#I don’t know if I’ll be able to complete these with chronic pain but I won’t let that stop me from trying!!

[theatrekidenergy]

I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT* PAIN!!!!! I JUST FOUND OUT I CAN BIKE WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I NOW HAVE TWO PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES I CAN DO WITHOUT PAIN!!!!!!! I CAN BIKE WHEN IM NOT FIGURE SKATING!!!!!!! IM GENUINELY SOBBING RIGHT NOW THIS IS SUCH A MASSIVE THING FOR ME YOU DONT UNDERSTAND

* = check tags for explanation

[sluggybasson107]

Here are my goals for camp digimonth 2023!! I’m having two art goals this year to change things up!

‣ My first goal is to draw at least one request in my ask box!

I’ve received in my ask box in the past. I have some really old submissions, so I’d like to clear up my mailbox and complete one of them!

‣ My second and main goal for this event is to create one difficult drawing.

I’m not sure what I’ll create yet, but I want to make something with multiple characters or at a dynamic angle. I’ve been trying to create more unique and complex drawings, so I’d like to put my skills to the test and try something harder!

[its-your-mind]

okay. I’ve slept and I’ve stared at the ceiling and I think I’m finally ready to put all of this into words. I’ve been building up this post in my head… basically since the moment we learned about Ashton’s chronic pain, and I think this episode finally helps me synthesize all of it. Taliesin was on FIRE this episode. (also this got way longer than I thought, so it’s going behind a read more. I just have so many FUCKING emotions about this punk rock.)

I know I’ve mentioned this a few times before, but I, like Ashton, have full-body constant chronic pain. Sometimes it gets worse with extended physical activity, sometimes it just gets worse out of nowhere. Some days are good, which means the parts of me that hurt aren’t getting in the way of me doing things too much, but there are never, ever days without pain.

I think Ashton fucking nailed it here:

And here’s the thing about background noise. Most of the time, you don’t even notice it’s there. Your brain filters it out, takes it and files it away as something that doesn’t need any conscious focus. But sometimes, something that is normally background noise can become completely overwhelming - think a ticking clock that you don’t usually notice, but when you’re waiting for something, it becomes all that you can hear, and your brain can't pull its attention away.

And, at least for me, chronic pain can sometimes become like an endlessly ticking clock in my perception. Obviously, my body is in pain, which is not fun in and of itself, but on the bad body days, my mental functions become severely limited as well. My memory is shot, my thoughts come slowly, and it’s so much easier for bright lights and loud noises to cause my brain to bluescreen for a few seconds.

There’s just too much sensory input for the brain to process.

And on those days, it can just be easier to shut down. Lay down in bed and not move or think, because moving and thinking is just too hard. And when resting isn't an option, there’s a pretty significant percentage of my brain that’s just focused on trying to filter out that background noise of pain, and it becomes so difficult to function as normal. One clock might not take up too too much brain power, but imagine if there were five. Ten. A few dozen.

I’ll get back to Ashton in a minute, I promise.

The brain might be able to turn those ticking clocks into background noise, but it’s harder to do that the louder they are. Your thoughts get sidetracked because it’s almost impossible to focus on anything but those clocks, and even when you’re able to ignore them for a bit, it doesn’t take much for you to be reminded that they’re still there, and your mind turns back to that ticking, ticking, ticking…

When you’re in pain, you learn to stay tense and alert. You economize your words and movements, because you only have so many before your body makes it too hard to function. You have to build up necessary boundaries for yourself, because without them, you’ll become a shell of a person, disconnected from a body that's just... not fun to be inside of.

And it’s so easy to let those boundaries become a permanent, defensive wall, built to keep the world at bay, because the world is where the pain comes from.

Ashton’s chronic pain might not have started until their fall from the balcony, but he’s never lived a life without emotional pain.

And so you have this person who has lived through so many awful things who should be dead several times over, who now lives with this constant, insistent, physically painful reminder that the world is cruel and harsh, and even your family can’t be trusted to keep you from getting more hurt.

So yeah. He’s fucking pissed off at the whole world. He’s lived through some fucking bullshit, so can you fucking blame him for building up walls around himself? How the fuck is he expected to survive in this world without defenses?

So he builds those necessary defenses that anyone with chronic pain has to get good at building, something to deafen the feeling of constant pain, and he makes them into a permanent fixture of his personality. They turn these necessary internal defenses into a hostile fortification, into anger, into rage, into a weapon that can hurt the world just as much as the world has hurt them.

And then, the Hells.

All of a sudden, they have a new family.

And the thing is. The thing! Is!! Ashton has always always been someone who cares so much, someone who loves their family recklessly and totally, even after the Nobodies abandoned them to die on the ground beneath Hexum's house. They’re protective, they take people in, they stand up for the people who can’t stand up for themselves. But it’s always been from behind the safety of that wall.

And the walls have started to come down.

The world might be cruel and painful and fucking shitty, but dammit, there are still things in it worth saving.

Letting people see your vulnerabilities might lead to more pain, but isn’t it just… so liberating? To not have to put so much energy into keeping those walls up?

These people. His new family. They’ve opened up to each other. They’ve all shared some of their darkest secrets, they’ve trusted each other with their lives, they’ve gone above and beyond, over and over again, to make sure that not one of their people is left behind, not ever. No matter what.

So now, for maybe the first time in his life, Ashton has something solid to stand on that he didn’t have to build for himself. He doesn’t have to maintain his walls with these people, because his family knows how to tread carefully, and they all do their best not to do anything that might inadvertently cause each other more pain.

Because here’s the thing about chronic pain. To a certain point, you just have to accept that shit is going to fucking hurt, and you’re gonna do it anyway. Instead of living in daily, constant fear of making the pain worse, you evaluate the things that you want to do with your time, and decide whether or not they’re worth the pain that they’ll cause.

Ashton started throwing himself at physical danger almost as soon as he was off Milo’s workbench. He’s no stranger to choosing things that will increase the pain in his body.

But the pain in their mind? Fuck that. We’re not going to look too closely at what the fuck is in there, because that is a fucking bridge too far.

Let their brain process the pain, and keep the rest of their shit on lock.

But now… they’ve let their family in, past those walls. They quite literally let Imogen and FCG go into their mind, multiple times, to find the things that they’ve buried deep, deep inside because they don’t want to look too closely at them. They didn’t have room in their own brain to process that pain.

But now… they’ve learned about where they came from. They know where their roots are. But more importantly, they know who their foundation is. They know that it’s safe to let these people in past those walls, because the Hells are people he can trust with all of himself, not just the solid and dangerous exterior.

And so now that they know that, it’s freed up so much more room in their mind to focus on actual, tangible goals!

He’s able to take time and space for his family, just as they’ve all taken time and space for him.

Now that the Hells have become his firm ground, he’s able to become theirs.

He knows how to be a wall, a tank, a shield. He knows how to deal with physical pain.

But now, they’re learning how to be a rock, a safe place, a firm foundation. That’s harder. That’s more complicated. That involves vulnerability, and the ability to sit and talk and process and think. That’s not something they’re always able to do, but they know now that they can do it. He’s learned how from the rest of his family, from seeing the ways that they all support him.

The world still fucking sucks. The gods have never seemed to give a single fuck about Ashton Greymoore, and he’s spent his whole life being thrown away and cast aside by the people who were supposed to take care of him. His body is wracked with the constant reminder of betrayal and abandonment. But now, they have something new to fight for. They don’t have to fight to save the gods. They don’t need to aspire to anything that lofty. But their family is here, dammit, and they’re not going to fucking lose them and so…

[sleepdeprivedsimp234]

Omgosh Hia!!! Tis a great and grand day, so for once I’m not sulking for NJ angst, or anything about Jersey actually. I wish to see some of that good good Texas angst, you know, for the funnsies! (Gosh this sounds so modern lolz, normally I don’t modern slang. Anyways we won against Texas tonight so that’s the whole reason for this XD)

YOU HAVE COME TO THE RIGHT PERSON MY DEAR FRIEND :)

(Listen I love torturing Texas sm. He just has so many angsting opportunities.)

I’m gonna out these under the cut tho, just in case.

Texas has some nerve damage in his eye and side, which is where he happened to have been given two star scars, courtesy of Mexico’s A+ parenting.

He’s VERY insecure about the tiny bit of pudge that he has. He doesn’t care that it’s not that much or that he can’t help it. He hates it. And he’s tried starving it away a few times, but he never got that far. Someone just hold and kiss the poor thing 😭

He’s ambidextrous, but he doesn’t use his left hand. Why? Well. Growing up, being left handed or using his left hand was forbidden. So um. Yeah his left hand was broken multiple times throughout his life (or at least until it wasn’t forbidden anymore) and now he either can’t feel his hand or he can feel it way too much. And it on days where he can feel it, it hurts A LOT. But he still uses it. Oh! And his hand is really shaky and tbh, I’m not sure that it healed right.

I feel like he definitely has a bunch of branding on him from when Mexico owned him.

This mf can handle A LOT of pain, or at least he’ll make it look like it cuz yknow. He doesn’t want to be scene as weak.

A vast majority of the deaths hes had were absolutely BRUTAL. And painful in most cases too. Even if they were somewhat quick deaths. Safe to say that anyone present needed new pants after.

^at least three of them were from him getting his torso crushed, and he now has a LOT of nerve damage and chronic pain in his back and torso. Mostly his back. And there’s a bunch of scarring too.

^lets not forget about Confederate repeatedly slamming him into a wall (or tree I can’t remember) until he went unconscious.

Listen- for each of his lives no matter what parents he got, he’s gone to church. And honestly, Texas was probably part of the worship team (basically the band that sings the music for non denominational and Pentecostal churches) for a LOT of them. And he absolutely LOVED it. He loved being a part of those teams with other cool people and being able to sing and all that. BUT. A lot of times, the church’s and/or his parents’ views ruined it for him and he kinda dislikes it now. And he’s trans and bisexual too so- r.i.p.

He’s the type to start dissociating when he gets yelled at and go completely nonverbal. He hates it but. He hates being yelled at more.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Texas loves cuddles, and he loves hugs, but. He CANNOT. I repeat. CANNOT. Handle having his arms and/or legs restrained from moving, since he can’t defend himself and he has no idea who has intentions of hurting him or not.

He also CANNOT handle being approached on his blind side. He might panic. He will freeze up. He can’t see whoever approached him, and he doesn’t know who they are or what their intentions are.

^and because I must, PA is an asshole and finds joy in scaring other states, mainly the bigger "tougher" states like Texas, so sometimes he’ll just sneak up on Texas on his blindside and yell "boo!" or smth. They usually end of fighting after since Texas is the type to resort to "fight" in the event that someone scares him. So um. Yeah.

[demigodofhoolemere]

Mystery pain question for my fellow chronic pain folks:

For as long as I can remember I’ve gotten irregular pains in my ankles. I don’t know how to describe this pain, other than that it’s not dissimilar to growing pains, and for years I kind of figured it was probably just part of that. At some point after becoming an adult and clearly not growing anymore, that was obviously not the case.

Nothing ever causes this pain; it will just come on out of nowhere with no obvious reason or trigger, usually just one ankle at a time, and there’s no predicting when it will happen because sometimes I’ll go weeks and weeks without an instance of it and other times it’ll come back fairly quickly after the last time, even successive days in a row. No doctors know what the heck this is and pain meds don’t really do anything to make it stop.

In the past few years it’s extended from only ever being in my ankles. It can now present itself in any of the four limbs, in any spot throughout them. Sometimes it’ll be in one of my knees or wrists and so on, and I’ve now fairly often had it be throughout the entirety of a given limb. At the moment of writing this I have this pain all through one of my legs. Sometime in the past year it was so excruciating throughout an entire arm that I was nearly completely disabled by it, it was agony to do anything with it and I was at the point of tears, which my various chronic pains/illnesses almost NEVER bring me to no matter how bad it can get, my pain threshold is very high. This particular mystery pain is not usually disabling, more just uncomfortable than anything but I can still function well enough during it, but it’s a bit concerning that it’s become enough of a problem that that can happen now. Sometimes it will also be in multiple limbs at once in various spots which is a little annoying; rarely was it ever in both ankles at once throughout growing up so there’s little precedent for it being on more than one side (or limb, now) at the same time, but that’s where we’re at now.

I wish I knew how to properly describe what the feeling of it even is, no description of either muscle or joint pain has ever sounded quite right and I’ve only ever been able to refer to it as simply “my ankle pain” regardless of where it now chooses to present itself. It’s just… this painful discomfort that sort of sits in the spot it’s at, not exactly pulsing or radiating but just… there.

I’m thinking this may be a weird fibromyalgia thing? I’ve never been officially diagnosed with that, but my mom has been for many years now and with the benefit of hindsight she and her aunt think that her mother must have had it based on things she would describe but wouldn’t have had a word for, and as time goes on I’ve developed more and more of my mom’s fibro symptoms. She doesn’t have this same particular problem but I wouldn’t be surprised if that’s what this is and it was simply the first symptom that hit me even as a child and now it’s gotten worse into young adulthood the way that some of my mom’s symptoms got worse with time.

Does anyone with fibromyalgia understand the kind of pain I’m trying to explain and can confirm that it’s likely fibro? Or anyone with some other lesser known thing that this could be? I don’t know what to make of it anymore.

[dundykelevesconte]

sighs

there is literally nothing more exhausting than simply existing as a person with ocd, not even factoring in the exhaustion of it affecting my daily life. everywhere i look there is misinformation and at any moment i’m at risk of hearing some stupid comment reducing my disorder to pattern preference or color coding being particular about the way things are organized. i have such shitty quality of life because of this disorder and i fear that even if i were someday able to be professionally treated for it i’ll still never live the life i could be living because i’ll never be cured of it. this is truly one of the most debilitating conditions i think a person can have to live with and i really would not wish it on even my worst enemy. there’s not a single aspect of my life that isn’t completely dictated by ocd. it’s in everything i do and just about every thought i have. my life is RULED by it and it so heavily affects my daily life to a point where sometimes i can’t even function. i’ve given myself chronic pain in my hands because of the severity of certain compulsions i have. this disorder kills people and i’m often afraid that it might kill me too. i’m so so sick and tired of the jokes and the shallow understanding of what it is i need everyone to educate themselves before i have to see one more dumb “ocd moment” about straightening shit or even numbers or whatever. thankfully i feel like lately there’s been a lot more awareness of it especially from a certain tweet about the us election it seems many people are coming away from it like oh THIS is what ocd is like which i’m thankful for but at the same time god myself and so many others are suffering an already pretty silent battle and nobody even knows about it or the extent of how deep these battle wounds run . it just kind of sucks knowing those who don’t understand and likely never will outnumber those who do and can sympathize. i’m just so tired of being made into a punchline for something that suffocates me genuinely every waking moment of my day

[chronicmigrainetime]

im terrified.

I ve had this for over three years, its constant. its pain, tinnitus, noise sensitivity, the insomnia, the muscle tension, the brain fog. its the occasional immobility. the rare paralysis. its spending three days not being able to practice basic hygiene or eat

I’ve just graduated from uni. Everyone I talk to tells me that Im amazing for even getting beyond my first year with my condition (I started uni within 8 months of me getting migraine). They say I should be proud of myself and I am but

This last year was so hard. My depression is at an all time high, I wake up and go to sleep anxious. My pain was so bad. I spent 4-6 weeks bedridden and alone

How am i supposed to enter the workforce?

I know I’m capable, logically speaking I graduated with a law degree in a debilitating condition. I managed to do quite well for myself despite spending essentially 5 weeks completely incapacitated so part of me knows I’ll be okay.

I also know how bad it gets, how bad it was in the beginning, how bad it was during those weeks, how bad it was just at the end of last year, how bad it probably will be despite my every precaution.

if you have any advice Id greatly appreciate it. I know i need it.

Hi iselenris, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It is scary, and I can understand why you would want to scream into the void about it. I have given it some thought and hopefully I can say something helpful, or at least provide some comfort that you’re not alone.

I can really relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I became incapacitated by chronic migraines at the start of my second year of uni, had to take a year out and then came back part time. I did eventually get my degree (in physics) but it was a real struggle and incredibly detrimental to me physically and mentally.

Now you and I are both out here with prestigious degrees that we worked really hard for and that we can’t put to use. I agree that it is a tremendous accomplishment and I think you should be proud of yourself, but I also understand the hesitation to celebrate fully. We put ourselves through hell to get here, and that’s not sustainable. So what do we do now? And if we can’t do the thing we wanted to do with our degree, why did we put ourselves through all that?

It’s now two years since I graduated, and I still haven’t ‘entered the workforce’, which is maybe not the most hopeful thing to hear, but I do think in that time I have found an answer to those questions.

My answer to ‘what do I do now?’ Is to make you and your health your top priority. I get the sense that you know that this is a crisis, I think it’s a good idea to treat it as one.

I don’t know your situation so I don’t know how possible this is for you, and maybe this is a frustrating thing to hear, but my main advice on how to do this would be to stop for a while. If you keep going when your body is telling you to stop, eventually it will force you to stop, y’know? Unfortunately, stopping obviously requires outside support, but if you have that now is the time to use it. If you are in a position where you don’t have to work, don’t, and if you’re not, find something that uses the minimal amount of your energy while keeping you afloat. If you have the option of someone else making your meals, take it, if not make your meals as easy as possible. In any case my advice would be to use the time that you have stopped doing other things to:

Rest without feeling guilty, you are doing the work of healing

Unlearn the idea that your worth is tied to your ability to work, you are enough just by being you

Take note of how your body is feeling and respond to what it needs

Prioritise yourself and your body’s needs above any “shoulds” and “oughts”

When you do have the energy to do things, focus on the things that bring you joy or make you more comfortable

Learn about your condition(s) and the things that might help you

Decide what kind of medical care you want to try and get (if any), and get the ball rolling on it

How long will it take to feel well enough to come out of this recovery state? We cannot know. But I know that (thanks to a combination of all of this, and finding some medications that work for me) I am feeling better than I did a year ago, and much better than I did two years ago. I may not have ‘entered the workforce’ but most days I know I can do the work of being a person (which is not an insignificant amount of work!). On the good days I can even imagine getting a job again, and then I’m glad I did finish my degree, because I know it will still be there when the good days become frequent enough for me to use it.

If you are looking for advice on the more medical side of things I will point you to this post, this resources list, and the #ajovy tag on my blog. I can also give more specific advice on navigating medical things if you’d like, but I don’t want to do that unprompted.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you, and I hope you are able to find some improvement. Be kind to yourself

- C

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #50

previously - Journal Entry #49 (part four)

Victor

It's Tuesday again.

I keep doing this, recording entries on Tuesdays. Unlike last Tuesday, nothing much happened today, but that's not to say I don't have news. Even if today wasn’t eventful, the weekend was.

I finally heard from Seiji. It took him until Sunday to reply to the multiple texts I'd sent him on Friday, but better late than never, as they say. What's going on with him will require some explaining, so let me come back to it, 'cause I'm sure you want to know how Yuri and I are doing too, right?

Right. Here comes the health update. There’s some good news and some not so good news.

Good news first; I'm feeling a lot better. It's like my body decided to kick itself into high gear and get some serious healing done since Friday. I’m still getting headaches, but they’re not nearly as intense as they were before, and the blurriness is completely gone from my vision now, which is super encouraging. Today, I didn't take any pain medication for my arms and rib, not even ibuprofen.

In hindsight, I think I probably should've had a little something in the afternoon, because my rib was hurting by the time I got back from spending several hours at the hospital with Yuri. The chairs in there aren’t particularly comfortable and it’s hard for me to sit for long periods of time. But, you know me. I was trying to be a tough guy about it.

My biggest problem right now isn't pain. It's that I'm restless and nearly bored out of my mind. I'm still not cleared for exercise, but I keep trying to sneak in some shoulder stretches and a bunch of leg work whenever I can. Normally, I'd be training, going to work, cooking and cleaning, and taking care of Yuri, but I can't do any of that at the moment and a guy can only take so much inactivity. I'm going kinda crazy with nothing to do.

As for Yuri, his progress hasn't been quite as good as mine. He's slowly getting better, but he's still in the hospital. It's been a whole week as of today, and I don't think he'll be getting out for at least another week.

He hasn't reached the stage where he's bored yet, probably because he's really weak and he's still sleeping a lot, but at least he's able to get out of bed on his own now. He was even up and walking for a few minutes this afternoon. I coaxed him to drink some water afterwards, which probably looked hilarious because I was holding the cup for him and I had to hold it between both hands while he sipped through a straw.

He's still not eating, unfortunately, so they're still giving him intravenous nutrition infusions. I'm sure he's capable of eating independently, but I think he's scared, and nothing anyone's said so far has been enough to motivate him to try.

Dr. Kasongo has already brought up the subject of tube feeding at home, but only with me because neither of us feel Yuri is ready for that conversation yet. Obviously, tube feeding will be an option of last resort, and we really don't want to frighten or upset him any more.

I’ll be honest, the idea upsets me too, not just because I hate the thought of how debilitating it’d be for Yuri, but also because I don’t think I grasped exactly how sick he is until I had that conversation with his doctor. Like, I’ve always understood that his illness is serious and chronic, but I don’t think I fully comprehended the magnitude of it, if that makes sense.

Dr. Kasongo is hopeful that we won’t have to go the tube feeding route, in any case. She’s certain Yuri will settle enough to start a liquid diet by mouth in another day or two, but I'm not sure it'll happen as soon as she imagines it will. Not without some kind of intervention, at least.

The nutritionist came to see him while I was there today, and he had a complete meltdown in front of her. It was pretty clear that he did not want to hear anything about the food plan she was suggesting for him once he's released from the hospital, and his solution was to dissolve into tears and ask her to leave. I think I've seen him cry more in the past week than in the entire duration of our relationship. Yuri hardly ever cries. He rarely shows any emotions really strongly for that matter, regardless of how he's feeling inside, and it's difficult to see him in such a vulnerable state.

The nutritionist told me she's going to ask the doctor to make a referral to a psychologist for him. I already know he's not going to like that, and I’m predicting he'll cause a scene over it, but I do think it's a good idea for him to speak to someone.

That having been said, I can also empathize with his reluctance. At first, I didn't want to talk to the psychologist Dr. Sato referred me to either, but now I actually kinda like him. The initial referral was supposed to have been to talk about the emotional effects of my accident, but I told him I can get over that by myself, so we discuss other stuff instead. I've talked to him about the death of my dad and sister, the stress of being the main caregiver for somebody with a chronic illness, and the challenges of being an immigrant.

He says I'm psychologically healthy and that I don't need long-term therapy. I agree one hundred percent, but having someone objective to confess all my doubts and insecurities to has really helped me feel a lot better mentally. I'm happy to have that support, to go along with the support I'm getting for my physical recovery.

We'll see how it goes with Yuri and his psychologist. I'm envisioning hysterical outbursts, but I'm sure one of us will let you know what happens for sure.

Okay, I guess now it’s time to tell you about Seiji and what happened on Sunday afternoon.

I'd been with Yuri for the morning on Sunday. Mom and Julian picked me up around noon, just after Yuri's grandmother arrived to visit with him. She had Yuki with her as well, so it was probably a good thing I was leaving. According to Yuri, the energy of me and Yuki together in a room can sometimes be a bit overwhelming for other people. The last thing he needed was to deal with that.

Anyway, Mom, Julian and I had lunch at my favourite sushi bar, which was kind of chaotic because neither of them knows how to use chopsticks and even though I'm a chopstick wizard, I can't use them right now either. We all ate with our fingers, which earned us a lot of disapproving stares. I think people were mostly staring at me because I was picking up pieces of maki with the fingertips of both hands together, but I didn't care.

Back at home, stuffed to the brim with salmon, eel, rice and vegetables, I was ready for a nap on the couch and was not at all expecting my phone to ring. When it did, I was startled out of my drowsy stupor, and nearly fell off the sofa. Then, I recognized Seiji's number on the caller ID and all thoughts of napping suddenly dissipated like mist.

I tapped the 'answer' icon on my phone's screen, and didn't even bother with hello.

"Hinamori-san! Where the hell have you been?" I demanded. "Sakura and I have been trying to reach you for days, you know."

"We're not on a first-name basis now, Nelson-san?" was his testy response.

"Really, Seiji? You ghost me for days, and you're annoyed with me?"

"Sorry.”

"Yeah, you should be."

"I wasn't ready to talk," he said. "I went out to the country, to my grandparents' estate, 'cause I just needed to get away for a while."

"What for?" I asked. "And why didn't you tell Masao you were going? Why didn't you tell Takahiro and Fox? Like, how do you leave town without even telling your best friend and his boyfriend?"

"I headed out when Taka was at work," Seiji confessed. "I left him a note."

"You... No, you know what? Never mind," I said. "Why did you need to get away. Did something happen?"

"Did something happen?" he repeated, his tone incredulous. "Dude, are you kidding me right now? How are you even asking that? Like, what do you think happened?"

"I... don't know." I said, perplexed.

"You're so stupid, Victor.” He sounded as though he meant it.

I did my best to force down the familiar sting of humiliation at hearing that. Kids at school used to call me stupid, and it’d always made me feel horrible. My inner child wanted to cover his ears and hide under the nearest desk so he could cry without drawing even more ridicule.

But then, a little voice in my brain that sounded very much like Sayuri Ishida's seemed to whisper, that's not true.

It really isn't true, and I need to keep reminding myself of it. Dr. Ishida had put that monster from my past to rest, once and for all, and I used her words like a shield in my mind. You have an eye condition called hyperopia. Your ability to read is normal. Your intelligence is above average.

“I’m not stupid,” I said, as calmly as I could manage. It was mostly for my own benefit, but still, I wasn’t interested In letting Seiji’s dig at me go so easily.

Seiji made a dismissive snorting noise. “Whatever. Must be the head injury, then.”

I pulled in a deep breath. "Seiji, listen. I really don’t know what you’re talking about. Can you please tell me what's going on? Me and Sakura and Masao have been worried about you.”

“Masao should know,” he said.

“Maybe, but Sakura and I don’t.”

Several seconds passed before Seiji finally spoke again. “Fine. I guess I owe you some kind of explanation. Can you… are you like, okay to go out? I don’t want to talk about it on the phone, but Taka said you’re in a wheelchair and…uh, you know…”

“I’m not in a wheelchair,” I said. “I had to use one for like, maybe three days after I got out of the hospital. That’s all.”

“So, you can go out?”

“Yeah, but you’ll have to come and get me if you want me to go somewhere with you. I’m not cleared to drive yet.”

"When's a good time?"

"Now? I'm not doing much, so whenever works for you, works for me."

"Okay," he said. "If you literally meant now, I can be there to pick you up in like, twenty minutes."

"That sounds good," I agreed. "That gives me plenty of time to grab some water and throw on a sweater."

You're at home, right?"

"I'm at home. See you when you get here."

He showed up about twenty-five minutes later, looking like he'd spent the week in a tent rather than living in luxury at his grandparents' sprawling country estate. His hair was a mess, there were dark smudges beneath his eyes, and he was moving like he was the one who was injured. He looked like he hadn't gotten more than a few hours sleep in the last several days.

"You look worse than I do," I commented, once we'd exchanged greetings.

"You look... surprisingly good," he remarked. He sort of nodded at my arms, where the bottom of my casts were peeking out past the ends of my slightly too-long sleeves. "You know, except for that."

"I'll be rid of these in a few more weeks."

"And then what? Back to the mountain?"

"Naturally," I said.

I couldn't interpret the expression that passed across his features. It didn't last long, but I hadn't missed it, and it could've been anything from disbelief to worry to disapproval. It could've been some combination of all three.

"Let's get going," he said, and although neither of us verbally acknowledged it, we both blatantly pretended the previous few seconds hadn't happened.

The car ride was weird. Normally, Seiji and I would be joking and laughing, listening to music a bit too loud, and talking about our favourite subjects. This time, we were silent, and the only sound in the car was Snowflake by Arashi, playing quietly on repeat.

Where we eventually ended up was in the valley, in Hanamigawa Park. The last time I'd been there was on Yuri's birthday, back in September. The park had been vibrant with colour then. Now, it was brown and grey and dismal, the last vestiges of winter not quite having given way to the tenuous first signs of spring.

We got out of the car, and I followed Seiji across the grass until we came to a bench.

"So...?" I prompted, after it felt like we'd sat there for at least five minutes, staring at our shoes.

"So, what?"

"About that explanation you owe me."

"Yeah." He scuffed the toe of his boot on the ground. "I've been thinking."

"About what?"

"I'm going to move to the city. Try to get a grown-up job. Maybe go back to college or something."

"What are you talking about?" I said. "Your job with the Recreation Association is a grown-up job. There's a lot of responsibility in teaching people how to ski and snowboard."

"It's not the kind of responsibility I want any more, if I ever did."

"What?"

"I quit," he said.

"You quit your job?"

"I quit everything."

At that, an awkward silence stretched between us for several seconds because I had no idea how to respond. I wasn't sure what he meant by 'everything'. I thought I could guess, but I didn't want to assume.

When the lull was starting to feel too long, I finally ventured, "Define 'everything'."

"Everything," he repeated. "I quit my job, I told Taka I'm moving out, and I'm hanging up my board. Masao already knows, so don't bother to ask if I've told him."

"You're not going to compete any more?"

"I'm not going to snowboard any more."

I stared at him. "Why?"

As if it were too difficult to hold my gaze, he looked away from me and began to fidget with his hands. "I can't do it any more," he said.

"But... why?"

"You know how people say the mountain is magical? That there's a guardian spirit?"

"Yeah."

"It's just a story," he said. "The mountain is nothing but a cold, dead rock, and it'll take everything from you with no regrets. With no feelings at all. I named my snowboard because, for some dumb reason, I let myself think it had some kind of spirit inside too, but you know what? It's just another lifeless object."

I had to admit that what he said was correct. From a purely factual standpoint, the mountain is rock and snow, and snowboards are just Fiberglas and wood or carbon, but I have to admit I like the idea of there being something more to them than that. I love the stories of the mountain spirit Yukimatsu and his beautiful sword Shirayuki, and I believe that Elsa is more than a piece of sports equipment. When Elsa and I are flying down the mountainside, I definitely feel something from her, and sometimes I imagine I can hear her singing.

"I thought you loved snowboarding," I said.

“Maybe I used to. Or maybe I still do, but it's like a toxic relationship that you can't seem to leave until it's almost too late. Like, you can't make yourself get out of it until it steals every last bit of hope and happiness you ever had."

"I don't understand," I said, because I really didn't.

"Do you know, I think I might've accidentally hurt Masao, trying to get to you when I saw you go down?" he said. "You know how tiny he is, and he was trying to hold me back."

"I didn't know," I said.

"If it wasn't for Fox, I probably would've..." He didn't complete the thought, but instead continued with. "Takahiro said I was literally screaming. The thing is, though, I don't remember. I don't remember Masao grabbing me, or me knocking him to the ground or... anything. All I could think was, you could be dying and the people you care about most wouldn't even be beside you."

"Obviously I didn't die."

"Yeah, but how were any of us supposed to know that at the time? You didn't see it the way we saw it. Masao said it looked like you could've broken your neck, and I... I couldn't handle losing somebody else like that."

It took a second for my brain to register what he'd just said. Somebody else. Had he seen another snowboarder go down like I had? Someone who hadn't been as lucky as me?

"Who...?" I began, but quickly closed my mouth because something told me I shouldn't pry.

But, it was too late to worry about it when Seiji started to answer anyway. "Didn't Yuri ever tell you about Tsubaki?"

I tried to recall if Yuri had ever mentioned anyone by that name. "I don't think so. Who is she?"

"I thought he told you everything," Seiji said.

"Apparently not."

"Tsubaki was our..." he trailed off, and then amended. "She was the woman I loved."

"Oh."

"She was our teacher in our final year of high school," he went on. "Me, Taka and Yuri were in the same class, so we all knew her. She wasn't that much older than us and most of the boys in our year had a crush on her, but for whatever reason, she liked me and Taka best. Maybe 'cause she was into snowboarding like we were."

"You went snowboarding with your teacher?"

"Not while she was our teacher," he said. "But, we all talked about it all the time, and we'd see her up on the mountain on the weekends."

I'd seen one of my high school teachers skiing on Granite Mountain once. It had felt strange and out of context to me, and I'd tried to pretend I hadn't even noticed him. But, regardless of my effort to ignore him, the rare sighting of my chemistry teacher outside his natural habitat had been enough to distract me, and it resulted in me getting yelled at by my coach at the time.

I'm sure I succeeded in forgetting about it almost immediately afterward, and I’d never even dreamed of bringing it up with him at school. I couldn’t help but winder what it would've been like to have a teacher like Tsubaki, who I could've geeked out about snowboarding with.

"Seems like she would've been a cool person to know."

"She was amazing," he said. "When we graduated, she said we could call her by her given name, and we became friends. We all used to hang out, me Taka, Yuri, Tsubaki and her best friend Mei. We went snowboarding together then, and we did other stuff like going on road trips or going to someone's place for a meal and to play games or watch movies. Or just talk. Tsubaki and I talked a lot."

"What happened?" I asked.

"With me and her?" he said. "She always told me that she didn't want to have a relationship with me, but towards the end, I felt like things were changing between us. She was starting to treat me less like a friend and more like... well, not a boyfriend exactly, but something deeper than snow buddies, you know?" He sighed. "Then everything... ended."

"I'm sorry," I said.

"Yuri really never told you about any of this? He never told you about Tsubaki's accident? How she..." He paused, closing his eyes. "How the mountain took her from me."

It was at that point when I realized Yuri actually had told me. I hadn't made the connection immediately because he hadn't gone into detail and hadn't used Tsubaki's name, and I hadn't wanted to press him for information. "He mentioned he had a friend who died in a snowboarding accident," I said. "We didn't talk much about it."

That figures. Yuri wasn't that close to her anyway." He gave a little shrug. "Yuri doesn't know how to be close to people.”

“That’s not true.”

“Isn’t it?”

“Are you saying he’s not close to you?” I asked.

“Dude, from where I’m standing, he’s not even all that close to you,” he said. “I mean, where the hell was he when you needed him? At work, and even when all of us were at the hospital with you and we were trying to call him, he ignored us. You know how many times Taka tried to reach him?”

“He was probably in a meeting,” I said.

“Why wasn’t he on the mountain with you? That’s where he should’ve been.”

"His job is important, Seiji. Besides, what happened probably would've happened anyway, even if he had been there.”

"That's not the point," Seiji said. "The point is, he doesn't care about anybody but himself. Why was it you and Sakura who were checking on me? He's supposed to be my friend."

"Sakura and I are your friends too," I reminded him. "Yuri couldn't check on you. He's been in the hospital since Tuesday."

"So what? He's too sick to send a text?"

"Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was." I met his gaze. "Are you seriously mad at Yuri because he didn't text you for a week?"

“I’m mad at him because he’s an asshole. Because he got someone he doesn’t appreciate or even deserve.”

“So, you’re not actually mad at him. You’re jealous.”

“Whatever,” he said. “I know you love him, but wouldn't it be better to love somebody who gives a shit about you? If you'd died out there, he would've just carried on with life as normal."

"No, he wouldn't," I said. "You obviously don't know him as well as you think you do, if that's what you believe."

"I know him well enough," he said. "I've never seen him shed a tear over anything or anyone. But you? You treat everybody like they matter, and you deserve at least that much in return."

"Everyone deserves to be treated like they matter because everyone does matter," I said. "Where are you even going with this?"

"You didn't have to come halfway around the world for Yuri. You could've stayed safe at home and had anyone you wanted.”

“I want Yuri,” I said simply.

"I don't know why. He's a crappy partner."

“Yuri loves me just as much as I love him, and he treats me like I matter," I said. "Maybe you’re convinced he’s a crappy partner because he wasn’t where you thought he should be, but that’s not how it works. We don’t get to script real life to our tastes. It just happens, and sometimes it sucks, and then we gotta figure out how to deal with it.”

“You think I don’t know that?"

"Do you?"

"My life has sucked for the last three and a half years," he declared. "Worse than yours, probably.”

“My life doesn't suck," I said. "There are parts of it that suck. Like, everything's not always easy or fun, but overall it's good, and I'm happy."

"Then, you're delusional." He got up abruptly and started to walk away. "This was a waste of time."

Stunned by the suddenness of his decision to leave, I stared at his retreating figure for several seconds. When I pulled my wits back into place at last, I had to run — contrary to doctor’s orders — to catch up to him.

"Seiji, wait!" I called. "We're not done."

He glared at me. “Yes, we are.”

"You said you were going to give me an explanation."

"I did. It's not my fault that you're too dumb to figure it out."

That was the precise moment in which I lost my temper. I think that if I could've grabbed him and shook him, I would have, but maybe it was a good thing I couldn't.

"I'm not dumb!" I yelled. "I'm sick and tired of everyone saying I'm stupid! I'm probably smarter than you, but I'm not a damn mind reader, so if you want me to understand something, then explain it in a way that makes sense!"

"Fine!" he said. "You want it in language your brain can handle? Here it is. I'm done pretending I'm okay. I don't want to be in this place, hanging around with people who remind me how useless I am and how much I've lost. I don't want to be on that damn mountain every day, thinking of her."

“But—”

"I can't keep running the risk of putting my parents through what her parents had to go through. What I had to go through. It's not worth it. I'd rather have nothing myself than to leave my family with nothing."

"But, there's lots of other stuff—" I began.

“There isn't," he said. "Snowboarding was the only thing I was good at. I’ve failed at everything else. Like, I was rubbish in school, and I was useless as a medic. I couldn’t even…”

“What?”

“There was only snowboarding, but you know what? Snowboarding fucking wrecked my life, Victor! There's no part that it didn't touch, and I can't fix anything now. All I can do now is protect the people I love, and try to forget it."

By the time he was done with this speech, he was crying. Evidently not wanting me to see that, he wiped his sleeve across his eyes so fiercely that I'm sure it must've hurt.

"Seiji—"

"Leave me alone," he said.

“You’ll never forget, you know.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You can go to the city if you want,” I said. “You can go to the other side of the world or a whole other planet, but you're never gonna outrun grief or anger or whatever. You might think you feel better for a while but there's really no place far enough away to escape from it."

"What the hell would you know about it?"

"You might be surprised by what I know about it," I told him. "But I'm not gonna give you a lecture. If you’re not ready, you wouldn't listen anyway.”

"I doubt you know about it like I do," he said.

"Maybe not exactly in the same way you do," I conceded. "But, you know what? I get what it's like when somebody who was the center of your world suddenly isn't there any more."

There was a lot more I could've said. I wanted to tell him I know what it feels like to think about someone every single day and picture how the future might've been different if they were still around. I often wonder about all the stuff Dad and Caroline and I might've said to each other, and all the ways I could've been a better person when they were alive, and how they'll never know what i learned because of them, and who I became because of them.

Tears were still leaking from Seiji's eyes, but he wasn't trying to hide them any more. As I watched, he stood there with his head bowed and whispered, "I couldn't save her. No one could."

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

He shook his head, but regardless of that, he started telling me anyway. "It was just a normal Saturday," he said. "I was working with Mountain Patrol, and my team got the call about an accident up on the expert run. I didn't know it was her until we got there. The advanced care paramedic on our team took one look at her and somehow he knew right away that her neck was broken. It was really bad."

"That had to have been a shock."

"They took her in a helicopter down to the hospital in the valley." He went on as if I hadn't spoken. "You know, to assess her and try to stabilize her. They might've rushed her to one of the big hospitals in Kyoto afterwards, but... there wasn't time. Her parents were in Tokyo, and there wasn't time for them to get here, either. Me and Taka were the only ones with her, and I don't know if she was aware of us being there, but I was holding her hand when she passed."

"I'm sorry," I said.

I thought about my mom. I hadn't found out until many years later that she'd been with my dad in the hospital when he passed and had been able to say goodbye to him one last time. Caroline had been killed almost instantly, so Mom didn't get that final goodbye with her, and I can't decide if that was a blessing or not.

I mean, I can't wrap my head around how terrifying and soul-shattering it'd be to hold your baby as she took her last breath. Watching your partner die would be devastating enough, but losing a child...? And my mom had to suffer through both. The pain she felt must've been immeasurable, making even mine seem minor in comparison.

I don't know how she handled it. I don't know how she survived it. I think if something happened to take Yuri away from me, I'd die too, of a broken heart. Or maybe I wouldn't literally die, but I'd wish to stop existing if he wasn't by my side.

I had to resist the urge to hug Seiji as he stood there crying. His whole body was visibly rigid, and I knew he wouldn't want me to touch him. Takahiro probably would have if he were there, but Taka the compulsive hugger could get away with it and Seiji might even relax enough to reciprocate. In fact, Taka is the only person I've ever seen give Seiji a hug that didn't look unnatural or uncomfortable. Had Seiji always been that way, or had his trauma caused him to change?

He swiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "Sorry," he mumbled. "I shouldn't have told you all that."

"It's okay. You must've needed to say it."

"Maybe. It was just... that thing you said. About somebody being the center of your world? She was, you know. She would've been, for the rest of our lives. I would've taken care of her, and I think we would've been happy, but... None of that's gonna happen now."

"Have you ever talked about this with anybody before?" I asked.

"Only Taka," he said. "He's the only one who understands. Everybody else thinks it's ridiculous 'cause we weren't even in a relationship."

"A friendship is a relationship. So what if you weren't her boyfriend? That doesn't mean it should hurt less."

"You don't think I'm like, being dramatic or whatever?"

"Why should I think that?" I said. "I don't have the right to tell you how you're supposed to feel or what your grief is supposed to look like, do I? Maybe you're like Yuri and you hardly ever cry for anything, no matter how destroyed you feel, or maybe you're like me and you cry over every little thing, or maybe you're somewhere in between. It doesn't matter. It's all valid."

"Thank you."

"You don't need to thank me for letting you feel however you feel."

"Yeah, I do. Most people would judge me for it."

"I'm not into judging other people for their feelings," I said. "I've got plenty of my own that I'm busy judging myself for."

"You shouldn't. Like, if you can tell me my feelings are okay, you can tell yourself that."

I offered him what was probably a lopsided smile. "I'm working on it. My psychologist says I have to stop creating burdens for myself."

"You're seeing a therapist?"

"Yeah. Unbelievable, right? My doctor referred me to him after my accident, but we've been talking about everything. He's helping me get perspective."

"Perspective," Seiji repeated, as if he were contemplating it.

"You know," I said. "Like how some stuff in your life seems so big and overwhelming, you don't know how you're supposed to deal with it? Sometimes you have to break the situation down and manage it bit by bit."

"Like learning a trick," he said.

"Exactly. Remember when you first learned to ride? There were probably lots of people around you doing all kinds of crazy tricks, and you couldn't even do an ollie yet. Now, you're the one who's flying, but you had to build up to it, one skill at a time."

"So, how am I supposed to do it?"

"I don't know," I admitted. "Maybe start off with figuring out what's really going on in your head. Like, are you sad or angry or scared, or what? And then... I don't know. Ask yourself exactly why. Like, if you're angry at a specific person, or you're scared about a certain thing."

He nodded. "I guess that makes sense. But... do you think I need professional help for that?"

"Maybe? I'm probably the last person you should ask about that. I didn't even know I needed professional help until I was getting it."

"But, it's working, right?"

"Yeah, but it's not magic. You have to want to get your shit together before you can get your shit together, and you have to work at it."

"Good to know."

"Listen," I said. "Everything's gonna be okay. It may take a while, and it might not look exactly how you wanted it to, but it eventually does get better."

"Thanks."

This time, I could feel my smile in my entire face. "You're welcome, but give credit to Yuri, too. He taught me that."

"Yuri taught you optimism?"

"He taught me about resilience," I said. “That’s better than optimism.”

“How so?”

"’Cause it’s realistic. And it’s honest.”

“I see how optimism can be unrealistic.”

“Resilience is sort of like body armour,” I said. “Having it on doesn't mean nothing ever hurts you. Sometimes it hurts like hell, but you get through it and you survive, and eventually the pain isn’t so bad any more. Yuri's constantly showing me that, whether he realizes he is or not."

"Okay," was all he said in response.

He started walking again, in the direction of the park gates. I fell into step beside him, and the quiet between us this time didn't feel quite so fraught.

When we reached the place where we'd left his car, I asked, "What are you going to do now?"

"Take you home, I guess," he said.

"I meant in general."

"Oh." He shrugged. "I don't know. I'm going to Kyoto tomorrow. I've got a couple of appointments to view apartments. Do you want to come?"

"So, you're definitely moving?"

"I guess so."

"What kind of job do you think you'll get when you move there?"

"Does it matter?"

"Not really," I said. "I was just curious."

"I'll probably end up in a convenience store," he said. "But, I was training to be a paramedic before, so I might be okay at taking care of sick people at home or something. And I like kids, so maybe I'd do all right working in a daycare. Or tailoring. I learned how to draft patterns and sew from my mother, so I could probably do that."

"I didn't realize you were training to be a paramedic. When you said 'medic' before, I thought you meant you had the certified mountain rescue course. The advanced first aid one."

"I do have that certification," he said. "But, I was in college for paramedicine. After she... after Tsubaki died, I dropped out because couldn't handle it any more."

"How far did you get?"

"Not very far. I finished the first in-class module, and Mountain Patrol was my first part-time clinical placement. That was it." He made a face that might've been self-disgust. "Useless, right?"

"Not necessarily," I said.

"What?"

An idea was starting to form in my head, but I didn't want to say too much to Seiji until I'd had a chance to talk to Yuri about it first. "You think you could drop me off at the hospital instead of at my house?"

"I'll drop you off anywhere you want," he said. "But, what'd you mean?"

"About you quitting college?"

"Yeah."

"There might be more options for you than snowboarding or working in some dodgy convenience store in the city."

"Right."

"I'll come with you to Kyoto tomorrow," I said.

He frowned at me. "You've got some kind of ulterior motive, don't you?"

"Maybe."

"You're trying to convince me not to move."

"No, I'm not trying to do that. If you want to check out the opportunities in Kyoto, there's no reason not to. All I'm saying is that you might want to go there with something better in mind than working at a convenience store. Like, if you're serious about home care or child care, maybe try it out and see if you like it before you take off to the city and commit yourself to a lease and everything."

"You think I should do that in Mt. Komorebi?"

"Think of it as a safety net," I said. "Stay home for a bit longer, try some different stuff and find out what you really want. Then go off and chase your dream, whatever it is."

"What if I really don't want to stay here?" he said.

"Nobody can force you to stay. All I'm saying is, before you leave, make sure you're deciding and not just reacting."

"Okay," he said. "But I still feel like you're up to something."

"I'll tell you about it tomorrow," I said.

"I'm not going along with it, whatever it is."

"You don't have to go along with it, but you should at least wait to hear what it is."

He drew back his arm as if he were going to punch me, but only flicked my shoulder instead. "You're a massive pain in the ass, you know."

"Yeah," I said. "I hear that a lot, but for some reason, people love me anyway."

"I hate you," he growled, but I knew he wasn't being serious. "Get in the car, Nelson. Wouldn't want to keep you from your pain in the ass other half."

"You didn't really mean what you said about him before, did you?"

If I was expecting an apology or a retraction, I would've been disappointed.

“Some of it,” Seiji said. “He is an asshole, and you seriously could've done better, but if you're happy..." He raised his hands in a gesture that seemed to indicate there was no further comment he could offer. "Anyway, you can tell him I'll come by and see him in a day or two. I'll make Taka and Fox come too, if they haven't been there yet, and I'll bring daifuku mochi. The strawberry kind."

"He's not eating," I said.

"Since when has Yuri ever said no to strawberry mochi? Me and Taka have literally seen him too weak to sit up, and he’d still be lying there demanding a little bite of our strawberry mochi. It's his all-time favourite. That, and tinned peaches, but they're probably already on the lunch menu at the hospital."

"How do you—"

"Just tell him," Seiji said, "And tell him I'll even feed him if he needs me to. Oh, and also tell him to expect a huge piece of my mind for what he did to you. He had no business abandoning you like that, and he definitely has no business taking you for granted. Actually, having somebody as devoted to his pathetic little ass as you are, he should consider himself the luckiest person in the universe."

I didn't show it on the outside, but inwardly, I was both relieved and amused. It might not be an apology, but I figured this was as close as Seiji would get to saying he still considers Yuri his friend.

Even if I hadn't liked hearing what he'd said about my husband, I couldn't blame Seiji for being upset. From Seiji's point of view, maybe Yuri's behaviour after my accident had looked horrible and uncaring, but Seiji hadn't seen him in my room with me immediately after. He hadn't heard the pain and guilt in Yuri's voice when he told me over and over that he was sorry, and he hadn't seen how hard Yuri worked to help me at home when he really should've been resting himself.

"I'll tell him," I said. "I think he'll be glad to see you."

"Yeah, whatever." He opened the passenger door for me, and I climbed into the car. A moment later, he slid into the driver's seat. "I'm leaving for Kyoto at eight in the morning. You'd better be up and dressed when I get to your place."

"Don't worry," I assured him. "I'll be ready."

((More about Seiji & Tsubaki from a different perspective, for anyone curious))

[try-and-try-and-try-again]

26.06.24

I was on the phone to a lady from Samaritans. I’ve had a horrible evening of overwhelming thoughts and feelings of doom and wanting to unalive myself. I don’t have any means of unaliving myself in this house because the staff keep all medication and objects I could possibly use to try and end things locked away so instead I felt trapped and started unhingedly sobbing down the phone to my parents (I don’t feel like I can talk to the staff here, they talk to me like I’m an idiot and recently when I’ve broken down after trying to hold things together for too long I’ve discovered they get angry with me and shout and it’s horrible). My parents convinced me to phone Samaritans. Consequently I’m trying to think of hopeful things that are coming up and that I will miss if I cease to be.

In mid July I have an ecology field course I got a scholarship for. I was meant to go last year but was in treatment. I’m grateful they held my place.

Although nothing’s been actually organised yet (I’m waiting on a meeting to be scheduled) one of my university lecturers has asked me if I’ll volunteer at the zoology museum by producing scientific illustrations. I’ve been feeling really hopeless and scared about whether I’ll ever be in a position to study again after two attempts at uni that ended in breakdowns and hospital (or was it just life in general because I’ve had breakdowns and relapses and ended up in inpatient/day patient care every year for the past 8 years regardless of whether or not I’ve been studying?) and being scared that all the psychotropic drugs, trauma and self harm has permanently eroded my brain. The Samaritans lady said even if I don’t end up able to do a degree maybe this will be a step forward as museum work is what I think I want to do with my life anyway.

I will see the cats on Saturday (and hopefully cuddle them)!

I plan to sing Choral Evensong again on Sunday (I don’t actually know what my religious views are, I guess I’m agnostic but for some reason I love Evensong and I’ve been a chorister since I was 7. I’m glad to have gone back to choir recently).

Today I ordered a Jellycat I’ve been eyeing up for approximately two months and I’m looking forward to that arriving. I worry it’s potentially childish and materialistic but oh well, I’m still looking forward to it.

The pain clinic referral from the hospital didn’t go through. This isn’t good and hit me hard when I found out but in case I can’t get anywhere on the NHS a private clinic have said they’ll see me (I’m grateful for my parents saying they’ll help with the cost). Perhaps there is a tiny bit of hope for the chronic pain side of things after all.

I literally just found out that having done the screening test I will be referred for an ADHD assessment.

I’ve just started being monitored as part of a study into sleep in autistic people. I have to wear a monitor, document day-to-day things and will get a report of my sleep quality at the end which I am curious about. (I don’t want to get a smart watch to do this because I don’t think having the option to measure certain other things like steps and calories will be good for my ED/obsessive brain). I will try and hold on to see what the outcome of that is. And contributing to research is always a good thing so I should try and complete the period of study.

[0th3rw0rldl1n3ss]

Disabled community, I want y’all’s thoughts on this (esp people who are familiar with the way disability accommodations and stuff work in the US) because I feel like I’m probably being screwed over.

So I work at a store chain in the southern US and I applied for reasonable accommodations under the ADA for diagnosed chronic pain and fatigue. I have a relative who was an HR manager (or something like that) for years and I asked for her input and she said she thought my requests were perfectly reasonable, unlikely to be denied for any reason, and very well worded. I asked for, with a doctor’s input, having two days off in a row twice a month, being scheduled no more than 8 hours a day, and “flexibility in scheduling” (doctors words, not mine, and I’m not a huge fan of this part because of how incredibly vague it is, making me unsure of how it would be applied in practice). I was told when I first sent the paperwork in to my manager that I should be the first one to hear back directly from HR via email, it’s been probably over a month and I have not heard back.

I talked to my manager this morning after my shift, asking if he had heard anything, and he said HR had gotten the request but that he and my comanager had decided to, instead of giving me the accommodations as I requested, change my job position to something “less physically demanding”. In the moment I was too tired from my shift to process this fully and was thinking “whatever, I’ll take what I can get I guess” but the more I think about it the more frustrated I am. I don’t feel that changing my job position to something less physically demanding will be adequate, because the physical labor isn’t the entire issue to begin with, although it is a big part of it. With the combination of chronic fatigue and being autistic (which I am formally diagnosed with, but did not mention in my request for accommodations because I thought it would be best to include as little of my diagnostic information as possible so they have less reasons to want to fire me, but now I realize this may have been a mistake) I am easily exhausted to the point of being unable to function adequately at work or otherwise, even from non physically demanding labor- ESPECIALLY from doing day shifts working retail where I am required to interact with customers all day. This is extremely hard on me emotionally and even physically (from the stress of it causing chronic pain flareups) and it would be even if I were allowed to sit down as much as I wanted.

I’m upset, I don’t know what to do, any advice or thoughts on the matter would be appreciated. The thing that really gets me is, you shouldn’t even have to be disabled to want two days off in a row a measly twice a month. But the fact that I am disabled according to doctors and they’re still apparently denying me this is just absolutely bonkers to me. And for someone with debilitating chronic pain, fatigue, etc that’s especially barely asking anything, it’s not even the bare minimum, it wouldn’t be anywhere near enough, but I asked for it because it would at least be better and I thought it was such an agonizingly reasonable request that they couldn’t possibly deny it. But I guess I underestimated how (even with my already present complete and utter lack of faith in the system) how unseriously the ADA is taken by corporations and how unwilling they are to make even the tiniest of adjustments. And, I’m not the only person in my job position who works there, it’s a big store with lots of employees, there’s no reason they shouldn’t be able to give me that much. This is all ridiculous. I don’t know what can be done, or if what they’re doing is even legal or not (but even if it isn’t, I’m not sure what I could do about it because it’s not like I have the money to hire a lawyer).

This is my first “real” job and I’ve only been there since summer of this year, if that matters for context.

Reblogs appreciated so maybe more people see this and have input.

[prismaticstreams]

Building confidence with chronic illness and disability

What does it look like to be empowered and confident with a disability or chronic illness?

I’ve been pondering this lately as I find it’s easy to get into the mindset that when my health improves or if I fully recover, then I’ll finally feel confident, badass and empowered. And yes, that’s partly true. Having more energy and wellbeing definitely gives me a huge boost in my mood and sense of self efficacy. I also think it’s great to work on improving our health as much as possible.

However, what do we do in the mean time? What would it look like to be the best version of myself, right here with my current circumstances? I've been pondering this question recently, and wanted to explore it further.

Unfortunately, many of us get trapped in a downward spiral that feels out of our control. Feeling unwell saps our self esteem, and having to stop jobs, reduce social activities or limit hobbies can be very depressing. It’s a vicious circle that can be tough to escape. Financial and health struggles can create so much anxiety and stress, it can feel crippling not just physically, but mentally, too. It can feel shameful and embarrassing, and often we just want to hide and protect ourselves.

There can also be a lot of self-consciousness about our physical bodies and appearance. For example, many medications can make people put on weight, fatigue can cause dark circles under the eyes, and allergies can make people’s faces look puffy. Surgeries can also leave people with scars and it’s normal to wonder if people will find you attractive, especially in the dating scene.

However, the great thing about working on our health and confidence is that it can also be an upward spiral. Confidence can help motivate and empower us to improve our health and life situation, and in turn the increase in energy and health can boost our confidence. I’ve found that even improving my health by 5% or 10% can make a surprisingly dramatic difference in my overall quality of life. Every little bit counts!

Here is my advice, based on my life experience - in no particular order:

One: Escape the comparison trap.

Stop comparing to others, especially other able bodied people. Even comparing to others with the same condition can be highly problematic, as people have wildly varying symptoms, different levels of severity, as well as different levels of support and financial resources. Many people with the same outward symptoms also have a completely different root cause (or combination of root causes). Not to mention the treatments that work for some may not work for others at all. Some people find a silver bullet solution, but for most people, it’s more complex than just one thing.

Focus on yourself and stay in your lane. Concentrate on your personal achievements and look at how far you’ve come. Being able to walk for five minutes may mean nothing to the average person, but it may be a huge milestone for you. Don’t forget to celebrate your wins! Even the small ones. Also embrace the reality that the journey is going to be up and down. You’re going to have good days and bad days. Don’t let that discourage you from continuing.

Two: Self compassion and self acceptance.

Work on talking to yourself with more love, compassion and acceptance. Acceptance is really important because we need to come to terms with our reality, which is often incredibly frustrating and painful. This often involves a great deal of grief too. It’s okay to feel all the emotions, and hold space for them. I find journalling, therapy and EFT tapping really helpful in this process. I also really like parts work, and the concept of unblending, as it helps me gain perspective on difficult emotions and parts.

Know that it’s okay to feel the sadness and anger. It’s also okay to feel envious and jealous of people who are able bodied and have easier lives. It’s normal. Don’t add insult to injury by beating yourself up over totally normal emotions!! Society encourages us to repress and deny our shadow, but we need safe spaces to talk about the tough stuff.

Being disabled and chronically ill comes with a huge amount of stigma, and often trauma, too. Get the treatment you need for any trauma that’s holding you back and sapping your spirit. I recommend EMDR and somatic therapy, but there’s lots of other modalities out there too.

Three: Own it fully.

This is easier said than done, but when you’re disabled or chronically ill, it’s better to own it and speak about it as confidently as possible. I find this is especially relevant in social or dating situations. I try to be honest, open and frank about my lifestyle and limitations, rather than hiding it or pretending I don’t have any conditions. This is sometimes a tough line to walk as you don’t want to overshare or freak people out, but in general I prefer to be up front with people.

This also includes freely using mobility aids in public settings, social situations or going on dates. I’ve become very comfortable using a mobility scooter to get around, and often take a walking stick with me too. It takes time to get used to this, but the more you do it, the less self-conscious you’ll feel. Some people find it helps to decorate their mobility aids or get a walking stick that looks funky. Canes can be incorporated into a steampunk, dark academia or dapper aesthetic in a fun way! Find a way to own it and make it your own, in a way that suits your personality and style.

Another area that can be challenging is dealing with dietary limitations. Strict diets and allergies can be tricky, but again, it’s better just to own it. I don’t eat at restaurants, but I still go to restaurants and cafes with friends and enjoy hanging out. Yes, it’s a little awkward sometimes, but you have to push through it. The right people won’t care, and will value your presence more than anything else.

Four: Seek supportive connections, friends and community, whether online or off.

Find friends, groups and events that are supportive, uplifting and accessible. Don’t hang around people who judge you or drag you down. Even people who constantly insist on giving annoying unsolicited advice (like "just drink more water!") can drain your precious spoons.

I know this is so much easier said than done, because being disabled or chronically ill can bring with it a great deal of isolation. It’s natural to just hang on to whatever connections you have, and not want to let go or burn a bridge. So be kind to yourself if there’s some people you’re just not ready to let go of right now. But keep looking for better friends who are going to life you up and who fully accept and celebrate you as you are.

Never, ever assume you have to tolerate any abuse or mistreatment because you’re disabled or chronically ill. You are not a burden and never deserve to be treated badly.

The same goes for dates and partners. Don’t settle for people who are toxic, judgemental or just tolerate you – rather than fully accepting and loving you right now, for who you are. Also, find people who respect and cherish you as a person, not for what you can do for them or what you achieve. People who are very focused on things like class, money and status are usually best avoided where possible.

Five: Cultivate a sense of purpose in your life that’s bigger than you.

I find when I’m focused on my purpose and calling, it’s easier to be confident because I’m not so focused on what other people think of me. I recognise that I have a calling that’s a lot more important than that! Obviously, this is easier said than done, especially if you can no longer work – or have had to change jobs, or reduce your work hours. Even volunteering can be surprisingly difficult when you have health limitations.

But purpose, meaning and calling in life are much greater than what we do for money, or even our hobbies. Relationships are a core source of meaning and purpose for many people. Being creative and growing spiritually are also significant. I’ve written more about this in other blog posts, but I find this is a significant piece of building a sense of empowerment in difficult circumstances. Reflecting on your core values can be really powerful and inspiring.

I’d recommend doing an exercise where you select words or phrases that represent your core values in life.

Six: Don’t be afraid to have fun, explore and try new things, as much as you can!

I find singing and dancing at home to positive, empowering songs can really boost my mood and confidence. It can be hard to be as spontaneous and active as I would like, but I still try my best to engage in life to the fullest extent of my capabilities. Sometimes this means asking for help or using mobility aids to get to certain events. It can also mean more planning ahead when travelling.

I really love riding my escooter, as it gives me an adrenaline rush but isn’t too tiring. Think outside the box and be open to new experiences. Brene Brown talks about engaging in laughter, song and dance in her guidelines for wholehearted living, and I think it’s applicable here. Watching hilarious movies and having a laugh with friends can be so uplifting.

Finally, don’t discount celebrating your sexuality. Disabled people are often portrayed as non-sexual, but exploring dating and sex can be a lot of fun and very empowering.

Practical suggestions:

Explore journalling about – what does it mean to live my best and fullest life with my current limitations? What does being empowered and confident look like for me right now? Brainstorm whatever comes to mind.

If you’re feeling rejected or unworthy, put your hand on your heart or your belly, and send love to the parts of you that are holding these emotions. I find self compassion practice can be really powerful.

EFT tapping is a great tool for working through negative core beliefs, like “I’m a burden” or “I’m not enough”.

If people give you a compliment, take a screenshot or write it down and save it into a folder on your computer for whenever you feel down and need a pick me up.

Try writing down your strengths, good qualities and things you like about yourself.

Create a celebration jar where you write down anything you’re proud of or qualities your love about yourself on little bits of paper. Put them in the jar and you can open it whenever you need a reminder. Another option is putting a marble or stone in a jar whenever you do something you’re proud of.

Experiment with visualising yourself as your most confident, empowered self. You could go back to a past memory where you were feeling your best, or imagine yourself in the future. I find doing this while listening to music can be really uplifting.

Use positive affirmations, for example: My worth and value is based on who I am, not on my achievements. I am confident. I am powerful. I deserve to be treated well. If it feels a bit fake or forced, you could try asking yourself, “What if I felt confident?” and see what arises.

Further links and resources:

Chronic Illness and Confidence: How to Rebuild

Facing the World with Confidence and Chronic Illness

How to be Confident While Being Chronically Ill

[delightfullhumanperson]

Small rant about my health because I’m so done with all the bullshit.

I have rheumatoid arthritis and my body is in pain in general, however it is activated more with repetitive motions which for someone with an anxiety disorder and ADHD that has a lot of need to fidget is this worst. I’ll sometimes be hyper focused while moving my leg and my mind is feeling calmed by letting out some of the build up stress until sharp pain starts forcing me to stop and not knowing how to let it out. Or I was doing Rubik’s cube when my hands just gave up even if my brain was like more more more which leaves me feeling exhausted and worse from not completing to and end that spurge of activity.

Even small things like drawing that I really enjoy leave me with a lot of pain that is so energy draining.

I’ve taken to chewing stuff constantly or just having something in my mouth from just needing other stimulation present to be able to focus on another task.

Small mercy though having a genetic autoimmune disease that gets worse the moment you get pregnant means I have a medical right to permanent birth control something I’ve always wanted even thou I’m young and I’m really happy I don’t have to go through a hole process for it to be able to happen.

The autoimmune part has been getting a lot worse thou and I’m always sick and suffering aside from the chronic pain. So give and take yay :)

[elliottenotnoire]

CONTENT WARNING vent

i think im stuck in misdiagnosis purgatory. maybe. i don’t know.

ive had lots of ocd symptoms ever since i was a kid. ive had lots of rituals against risk-taking (locking and unlocking doors over and over, obsessive use of hand sanitizer, walking/sitting/going down stairs funky, etc.) it got especially bad when i turned 11, where i would have these forced images implanted into my head of someone getting murdered/SA’d the moment i looked at them. and god forbid i came across a sharp object or came near any sort of window or balcony. i would never leave my room and i’d do anything i could not to trigger it, but even then i would just lie in my bed and cry wishing that i wasn’t “like this.” it got so bad to the point where it would affect me physically and i would involuntarily jerk at every thought i had. i told my mom about it and started therapy, but everyone just thought it was homicidal thoughts. then again i was just diagnosed with mdd and i was having a lot of symptoms of psychotic depression, so it just sorta blended in. i always felt too ashamed to tell anyone about what went through my head, but i was able to confront it at one point in the psych ward. and now i never talk about it. i tried once in 2023, but i chickened out last second.

homicidal thoughts is still on my list of diagnoses. but unlike when i was suicidal, its not me thinking it. when i was suicidal, i genuinely wanted to stop the pain i was in. but even though im on medication that technically neutralizes ocd, those “forced images” feel like they’re the complete opposite of me and everything that i stand for. the weird rituals that i still do to this day are not of my own volition. in the moment it’s because “that’s what’s going to happen if I don’t do them” but really its something making me super paranoid. but whenever i mention any of these ritual things to my therapist, she just processes them as “oh its your chronic pain, you’re protecting your leg bcuz you’re so used to being in pain” or “oh its your anxiety, you’re protecting yourself bcuz you’re uncomfortable in social situations.” that’s only partially true, and I think that’s the thing that “it” uses against me. it tells me to walk down stairs funny and look directly down at my feet because it knows that I’ll believe i will fall and land on my shitty leg.

maybe it is ocd. maybe it’s just my already recognized psychotic depression + panic disorder + adhd combined. maybe its just how i am and im just inherently fucked up. but then again im the same person who believed they were a human-shaped demon for 7 months so idk if I should trust myself on anything ever

[confessions-official]

I absolutely hate myself for wanting what my friend has. She’s disabled. She can’t live on her own and her boyfriend stays with her and treats her so well so she doesn’t have to live with her family who doesn’t give a fuck about her

I may not be paraplegic but I’m also disabled. For me it’s a bunch of “smaller” invisible disabilities. I have chronic pain that’s not too bad sometimes but still affects how much I can lift and how fast I can move and sometimes I have flareups so bad I have no energy and am pretty much housebound. I also have very shitty lungs. I come down with a pneumonia like illness that knocks me on my ass at least twice a year and if I’m lucky it’ll only last a coupke weeks but sometimes it REALLY clings in and is so resistant to antibiotics I’m sick for months. There’s also the autism.

I can pretty much take care of myself but I’d give anything to have someone who’s there like she does. Do I need them? No unless I need to move something heavy during a pain flare up or need to drive long distances which is hard because of the pain but I force myself to do it anyway even though my body is SCREAMING at me to stop because if I don’t I’ll pay for it later but I’ve got to do it all myself because unlike her, I don’t have anyone in my life who gives that much of a damn about me. I have my parents, but they treat me like a fucking toddler even though I’m in college and have a job. If I go back to live with them it’s back to being monitored around the clock, not being allowed to eat without their permission and being treated like a psych ward patient - they’re all or nothing people.

If I need their help with anything at all, that’s how they fucking treat me and I’ll never be able to build a bond wi to anyone outside of them. Unless I can be normal to where you can’t even tell my body is slowly destroying itself, I can’t have a relationship. I can’t expect to ever find anyone as understanding as the kind of person she found, especially because on the outside you can’t tell anything’s wrong with me and I have to deal with people screaming at me all day for being “lazy” , simply not understanding how burned the fuck out I am not only from trying to fight my own stupid body but being traumatized and mentally exhausted from having to be a fucking one man army against an entire world that seems hellbent on killing me and keeps throwing one thing after another at me that I’m forced to tackle one after another but I’m slowing down and soon I won’t be able to keep up with all of this shit.

I know that makes me toxic. I should be focused on money and success instead of wanting love and support. I’m a man. I’m supposed to be a fucking island. But this world has no idea I’m running on fumes at this point. Nobody knows, nobody cares, and I don’t have a single person on my side or even an emergency contact.

I know I know I know! Stop being a man child. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps! Don’t love anyone until you can be an island and don’t need anyone’s help with anything ever. That’s what they tell me. Little do they know that I’ve lost 40 pounds in the last 3 months from stress and being spread so goddamn thin. I have no one who can help. I’m in this completely alone and I don’t know how much longer I can keep going on like this.

I have a boyfriend. But if he knew what I dealt with (he doesn’t think I’m actually sick), if I asked him for help, he’d leave like everyone else. As a man it is NEVER okay for me to need help

 

[the5thelement]

It’s really amazing when you get in an argument with your dad about why you are never around him. which only started because I fucking accidentally flooded my bathroom sink which then leaked into the living room below me which didn’t actually cause any damage that wasn’t there already from a massive storm that we got in the spring. So I told him why would I want to be around you when you constantly say all this fucked up shit to me when your pissed and try to always make me feel like a piece of shit. Two months ago I was the worst I’ve ever been and couldn’t even sit up without losing my vision or fainting and he thought it was the time to tell me I’m lazy and don’t care about anyone but myself because I didn’t ask how him how he was feeling after his doctor appt. I said you love to make me feel like shit when I’m already at my worst but instead of trying to understand that he just proves my point by acting like the irrational man with the emotional maturity of a teenager that he is. He then repeats all the ways he thinks I’m a piece of shit. Which is really only because he can’t stand someone being more unwell than he is. When he’s not feeling well it’s inconvenient for me also to be in too much pain (not in pain anymore,) now I’m dealing with pots, but I can’t possibly be more fatigued than him. so instead of looking bad for not helping my mother with anything it becomes my fault. Oh and also probably mostly because I refuse to go to church with them or pray the rosary with them or complete my confirmation, I can’t even count how many times he’s told me I’m going to hell at this point. It’s really fucking crazy, he’s always been a dick but it wasn’t until I was older that I realized he’s a massive narcissist who honestly if he wasn’t my father I would have absolutely zero interest in ever knowing him. He goes off about how disrespectful I am which actually made me laugh out loud which he didnt like and I said I could say a hell of a lot more to you but I fucking don’t because I don’t want to make mom cry, he finally shuts up for about two seconds, then he tells me to move out. So I said my sisters family will be more than happy for me to move to Nc with her, which then my mom was about to cry so I stopped, but really also my brother said he would let me go to his place in jersey, hell I’ll go my friends in Florida if I had to. So I go to walk away and pack and he yells at me to stay. I’m like well which is it? He honestly just hates that he can’t control me anymore and it pisses him off more that I don’t really react to the bullshit he says Anymore, except today obviously. The only reason I’m here is because I physically couldn’t handle getting a second job to be able to afford living on my own, chronic pain / fatigue is too much. Also all the years I was dealing with my endo pain and trying to find a surgeon, which I got my surgery two years ago and it took a whole year to recover from. But worse than all those years of pain is now dealing with pots and trying to understand why I pass out all the time, these weird neurological symptoms and learning how to manage this properly, I thought I could at least feel like I might be safer around my family. I don’t even really know why I think that though because after my surgery they literally left me the next day to go to my sisters for two weeks. So not they they were of any help during that. Then recently When I started with these pots symptoms after I gave blood, I had literally fainted as my dad was walking towards me and he didn’t even fucking notice and walked away. So I was unconscious in the chair leaning on the counter when my mom walked by and was like rubbing my arm asking if I was okay and woke me up. He thinks he’s always been this fucking gold star father because he worked a lot ( like bare fucking minimum, you choose to have 6 kids.) or because he coached us in sports, sure he was a good coach, but like have a son that gets depressed and tries to kill himself and watch how ill equipped he is for that and it’s not at all because of him.

cool I’m 32 and have now manifested daddy issues lol 😅

[bonesmarky]

Is smoking marijuana beneficial in any way?

Absolutely, and I can bear direct testimony to that fact. I have been suffering from chronic pain following an infection of the bones at the base of the skull and first vertebra of the neck in late 2010. I was on oxycodone for almost 9 years, when a few months ago I was introduced to CBD oil. I didn’t even have to wean off of oxycodone. I was able to stop taking it, and had no side effects. The CBD oil takes care of my pain completely, where the oxycodone just made it tolerable.

Missouri passed a medical marijuana law last year. It goes into effect later this year. I qualify for it, but don’t know if I’ll need it since I’m well controlled on full spectrum CBD oil.

Studies have been conducted to show the effectiveness of CBD products on patients who suffer from cancer, Parkinson’s Disease, peripheral nerve pain, and back/neck pain. As a result, more and more states are legalizing marijuana for medical use. Check these guys out for some hash and cannabis