I’m honestly this 🤏🏼 close to ghosting him because he doesn’t deserve my friendship or presence in his life anymore and I’m not going to be the one to enjoy talking every day again just to get discarded Again when he meets someone else who takes the place in his life I held 🙄🙄
I don’t want to give him a reason to justify his lack of feelings for me by doing something so callous, and also I’m just not able to be a bad person like that, as much as he really doesn’t deserve any explanations or tact from me.
You don’t deserve a single thing from me anymore.
I want him to hurt as much as I hurt, I want to hurt him as much as he hurt me, but I don’t want to think about the possibility that he just doesn’t care at all about me and won’t care if I disappear. I think that would destroy the rest of my almost non existent self esteem and break my heart again.
I just want to stop caring about what he thinks, what he thinks about me, and just stop caring about him at all.
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what if gaster in a future chapter calls out the audience for speculating so much about him. the guy canonically has some amount of access to Real Life Social Media. like i started this mostly as a joke but there are definitely some real metanarrative opportunities for a character with recklessly curious impulses, and possibly a fragile sense of self, having nearly limitless access to streams of debate over whether or not he’s a bastard. rude to talk about someone who’s listening etc
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hey this isn’t aimed at anyone in particular but I’m saying it for the record here: if I tell you no, please stop messaging me about fundraisers and mutual aid.
I get enough messages that it’s impossible for me to keep up without devoting at least half an hour each day, when I’m not even on tumblr that long most days. Me having a boundary about this isn’t a moral failing, it’s a lifeboat for me on my own blog.
In my personal life I’m already advocating and donating literally as much as I can spare. This is not me not caring, it’s just me not willing to interact with that on the one place I go online to not interact with irl news and world events for the most part.
I cannot be upset all the time. I cannot be upset everywhere. I cannot use all my emotional and mental energy fielding my own upset from ongoing events. My options are to hold boundaries about this or stop coming online at all.
I’m all for sharing information and signal boosting to reasonable extents, but the scale of it this year is so large and so enduring that it is literally not possible to for me to participate on every account I have. I’ve previously shared links to Gaza eSIM donations and a major hub of verified Go Fund Mes here and elsewhere online. We, the online humans, know how to look those things up ourselves by now. There are many, many people choosing to do advocacy work, and right now, I can’t be one of them.
If you’re extremely upset when I tell you I can’t share/donate right now about a Gaza family or personal fundraiser you ask me to share here, just unfollow and block me. That’s what those buttons are for. Protect your own emotions and energy and get me off your feed instead of staying upset and continuing to engage with online people or content that upsets you.
Please don’t send repeated angry messages based on manufactured purity politics and moral outrage into my messages and inbox when I exercise the right to run my own blog.
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if I look back on my earliest of posts (which I will not do for my health) I’ll feel the need to ask that young man how he feels and if he knows how he feels. Did something come out of sync along the way between emotion and language and expression to resemble something like fear or was this always the trajectory. Would also ask him not to eat entire cakes by himself in his room in the dark looking at a laptop on the floor which all on their own are fine but combined is like actively inviting chaos into your life (Ants and migraines)
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I hope more people who feel they’re leftists begin to realize that genuinely hating men AND/OR immediately assuming a man (or someone you perceive as a man) you don’t know is out to harm you is t3rf behavior. This belief will not keep you safe, it’s meant to isolate you and put the marginalized men around you in danger. Hating men will not do shit to the bigoted cishet white men in power, but it’ll tell the marginalized men around you that they aren’t welcome around you. This extends to anyone who looks like cis society’s idea of a man, but isn’t actually one, too - do y’all really think trans people of ANY gender say “okay I’m x gender now” and are immediately treated like that gender by society as a whole? Do you think your fear of anyone with facial hair and a deep voice will stop at dangerous cis men, and that only dangerous cis men have those traits? And I’m specifying DANGEROUS cis men because cis men as a group aren’t inherently dangerous. The way someone looks or identifies says nothing about whether they’re “safe” or not! I thought we fucking learned this!!
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sort of but not technically for @terrortracks - here is an untitled ‘survives the expedition’ solving playlist for you all <3 (more commentary in the tags lol)
listen on 8tracks here
1. All These Things That I’ve Done - The Killers
over and in, last call for sin / when everyone’s lost, the battle is won
2. The Only Thing - Sufjan Stevens
faith in reason, i wasted my life playing dumb / signs and wonders, sea lion caves in the dark / blind faith, god's grace, nothing else left to impart
3. Wasteland, Baby! - Hozier
when the stench of the sea and the absence of green / are the death of all things that are seen and unseen / not an end, but the start of all things that are left to do
4. Blue Ridge Mountains - Fleet Foxes
terrible am I, child, even if you don't mind / in the quivering forest where the shivering dog rests…
5. We Both Go Down Together - The Decemberists
i laid you down on the grass of a clearing / you wept, but your soul was willing
6. Olympians - Andrew Bird
you start spitting out anathemas…
7. Love Love Love - The Mountain Goats
love, love is going to lead you by the hand / into a white and soundless place
8. King and Lionheart - Of Monsters and Men
in the winter night sky, ships are sailing … past the wondering eyes of the ones that were left behind / though far away / we're still the same / howling ghosts, they reappear in mountains that are stacked with fear / but you're a king and i’m a lionheart
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the last unicorn post from earlier has me thinking about the master. that yana is still in there, you know? is still someone he was, if even for a brief flash across the life of a time lord. there’s no way to unlive that life. there are ways to twist it later, sure, to make utopia into hell on earth. but the life was lived. in much the same way that the doctor can remember, can feel, the love he held onto as john smith even as that life is ripped out of his hands. the doctor choose denial and then grief and then to shutter it all away. and so john smith died, and so professor yana died, and the doctor and the master live on. the doctor has done this before, and he lives in orbit around humanity, trying to keep the best parts of them and hold them deep enough to take root (which he can pretend he gets to choose, as a time lord. as a human, it all floods in and can’t be dug back out.) but what about the master, right?
to borrow a turn of phrase: i think there are two time lords left in the universe, and they both learned how to regret.
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