#I do this with our discord all the time
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I occasionally wish to reach out to old friends/acquaintances I haven't spoken to since high school/some other even earlier time in my life, but I have SOOO little social energy even for required tasks (like making dr phone calls or etc), I never have any leftover for extra ones, and it would be very odd to message someone I haven't spoken to in like 5 years out of the blue but then take 4 entire months to respond back lol.. My natural curiosity with nostalgia/collecting details of the past/etc. (literally if I were born a little earlier I would definitely do scrapbooking or something lol) is very strong, but, alas, not strong enough to beat out the Social Issues Demons apparently
#facebook always does that 'here's a post from this day 8 years ago' thing. and I see old comments interacting#with people and it's so like.. OOOOO~~ where are they now?? what's going on? how much have they changed as people?#how much are they the same? this is fascinating. i should contact them!!' but then it's like... take that to it's logical conclusion though#you would contact them and then IF they even responded it would take you 80 years to respond and then they would#think there was something wrong or that you were trying to be insulting or something. To contact anyone I need to include an 85 page#disclaimer of all of my social issues & mental illness things. 'If i take 3 weeks to reply I promise it has nothing to do with u' etc lol#THIS is why more people need to be into phone calls/voice calls/some form of audio real time communication/etc.#I think one of the main things that's hard about messaging through text for me is it's so unscheduled and open ended#(plus it takes forever if you're talking about anything in detail and gets very long very quickly)#because like you can send a message and then just get a reply whenever. and then you're expected to reply back whenever#so it's like you never know when the response will come or when a new obligation to reply can come up? so it's like this sudden thing with#no outline?? if that makes sense. whereas a phone call is very like 'hello let's schedule a call from 10am - 2pm on thursday'. And you know#EXACTLY when the interaction will start and EXACTLY when it will end and you can plan around it in your schedule easily.#I have the reverse thing of a lot of people (how people don't pick up phone calls/hate calls/only text)#I would literally talk on the phone with a stranger. I would have a discord voice chat with someone I barely know.#if someone I hardly even remember from elementary school asked to have a voice call with me out of nowhere I would do it.#but if a stranger MESSAGED me?? or someone I barely know sent me a TEXT or something?? I will never reply probably#It's just too vague and weird. and you can't read voice tone over text. and the interaction could last forever with no clear end#point and etc. etc. But a call is like. set. established. clear boundaries. you can read the flow of conversation better. rapport. etc. etc#I get that I guess people feel more anonymous or distanced over text?? but you can have fake phone numbers on the computer. or do like disc#rd calls. or zoom without a camera or etc. etc. Also the distance that's present in text is BAD distance because it just means that tone is#not conveyed properly and you will never truly get a sense of the person's conversational vibe or mannerisms or how well you really click.#ANYWAY ghgjh...... I'm so so so interested in concepts of like.. How did that one kid I used to talk to in elementary school#but then they moved away in 5th grade - how did they end up? what are they doing now?? etc. etc. Like despite the severe social anhedonia#and general lack of connection with others I'm just really fascinated in like.. idk. the human development of it all and like#the concept of how we're actually a million different people through the course of our lives ever evolving in different iterations and etc.#PLUS again. i love nostalgia. sometimes old peple you know might remember a shared memory or can tell you about something you forgot#or etc. like it's SUCH A COOL THING in CONCEPT but I am too socially inept generally speaking lol. which people I still talk to today are#familiar with my 'phone call once every few months' communication style. but strangers would just be like... wtf. And I don't blame them#Sure I literally cannot change the physical health + brain issues i have - but also I know enough to not put others through that lol
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๐๐๐
#I miss you all so much I canโt even explaaaain#itโs just been a rough year+ and being able to be on tumblr at all just hasnโt been a thing ๐ซ #Iโm still trying to check discord more cause even if I canโt do tumblr I REALLY miss chatting with you all (and writing and plotting etc)#๐ฎโ๐จ my momโs dog/our older one just got diagnosed with c*ncer and itโs unclear how much longer we have with him#heโs okay now after surgery but if/when he gets real sick again thatโll probably be time ๐#itโs just that on top of still not finding any consistent work#trying to grow my shop and freelance business#itโs just !!!! a lot !!#but Iโm trying to keep it moving trying to be positive and hang into hopeโจ#I just wanted to say hello! And that I do truly miss you guys and think of you all here often!#feel free to hmu on IM here or discord or even my shopโs IG that I have linked here!#hope youโre all taking care of yourselves and each other โค๏ธ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๏ฟฝ๐ซ#00. ย // ย OUT OF AMMO ย ( OOC POST. )
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[ day 16: secret ]
๐ณ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐
๐ฐ๐'๐ ๐ ๐
๐๐๐๐, ๐๐ ๐๐'๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐จ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐'๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐
๐๐
๐จ๐๐
๐ฐ, ๐ฐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐ผ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐
๐ญ๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐ ๐๐๐๐๐๐ ๐
๐๐๐
Bonus: Dog meets Pommy
#ffxiv#oc: persephone 'azem'#febhyurary#febhyurary 2024#febhyurary2024#oc: akira kirxaa#verse: canon#I know I've been mostly doing the unsundered azem au for these#but the swap discord prompted our ocs meeting their ancient selves#two birds one stone and all that#ancient oc#azem#for those new around here Seph is Akira's ancient if the azem tag didn't give it away#technically dog and pommy can't exist at the same time but i can do what i want lol
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#gamers dont you love it when a friend breaks your heart#smashes every olive branch you extend toward them#accuses you of being the asshole when you fall apart about it#acts like they are sorry#and then just fully ghosts you 100%?#i am so fucking tempted to just give up man.#every time i meet someone and im like#''oh wait they seem normal? not hyperindividualistic? like someone who will like me always not just when im happy?''#''someone who wants to be my FRIEND not just a person in a discord call with me??''#and then i spread myself so fucking thin investing energy into the friendship#(which this person admitted wasn't even ENOUGH like i am SO EXHAUSTED from traumatic abandonment#and losing friends suddenly#that even me working at my MAXIMUM CAPACITY makes people feel like i don't like them)#every fucking time.#nothing turns out different. no matter how much work i put into it#the SECOND a person has the chance to abandon me. they will.#i am just sitting here with two forces inside of me#one who never wants to give up on love and friendship#and another who is so tired#i wish i could just be exhausted and burnt out#and someone or several someones. would love me anyways. love me enough that EVENTUALLY#i will grow my heart back#and i can love them threefold for all the love they showed me#but no one wants me even when i do have the energy to be a good friend so why the fuck would anyone want me like this#dude i am so sad i wasn't meant to live like this i was meant to make friends. close friends.#i just keep re-reading our last conversation before he ghosted me. maybe if i read it enough i can change the ending
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we have. a lot. of drawing. to do. this month. and. lots. of drawing. ideas.
Flo. wants. to write about. the effects of. Hanahaki disease. in our system. and how it. manifests. in the headspace. and then. do drawings based on that. if that makes sense. and i think. that would be fun. but we. already. have enough art to draw this month. so that. will probably have to wait. until the new year.
#... on top of the. current art project.#which if. i am not wrong. should be finished and posted. tomorrow.#i am. anxious to post it. but working on all of it. was my. idea. so. this is. my fault. i guess. i dont. know.#i feel. we are. being a bit. Too Much. with... mm. disregard. it's. probably fine.#but we feel. we are. a bit. Suffocating. currently. attention-wise. do we. shower you. in too much. attention? @fp#i am. scared to. ask directly. apologies. but i. assume. you will see this. eventually. hello. when you read this.#... anyways.#i told flo. to write. her findings down first. and then. work on art. later.#so. to our two friends. whom we talk to. on discord. near daily. expect. a wall of text. in our discord channel. soonish.#when flo has time. to write down her thoughts#pk;m diamonds๐ท#she is very. fascinated. by how it. manifests. is all. and it is generally painless; pain doesn't. manifest. in our system. unless.#the body. is in pain... or unless. we are going. through mental turmoil. but i digress.#the point is. how it manfiests. causes us no pain. it's more of a nuisance. at most. and we generally. do not notice the flowers.#until a different starmate points them out.#though rarely. we do. actually cough up flowers. it is also painless. i assure you.#but i. am rambling. that should be. flo's job. [lh].
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Can someone e-mail Kaneki and tell him I love him so much and miss him a lot and would like to go to the mall with him sometime
#I miss Kaneki I wish I could just message him#he should get discord so I can talk to him any time#I wanna make a potion with him โน๏ธโน๏ธ#I want to do alchemy with Kaneki!!!!!!#he can grind dried flowers into powder and Iโll get the fire to the right temperature!!!!!!!!!!!!!#I am actually very sad that I canโt text him. he would be really really nice to talk to at 2am on a school night#I donโt even have school but I should be at his house all day every day and messaging him when I get home we need to talk all the time#we need to do that thing where the 2 guys slice open their hands and press the wounds together so their blood mixes and they become brothers#we should slice eachother open full stop our mutual pain will unite us#there was a really nice post about someone having a dream about a wizard#and they became unhealthily attached to eachother and decided to meld into one organism using one of the wizardโs spells#but it was horrifically painful these oozing lesions would open up all across their bodies#and most of the dream was just laying in agony together until the wizard said โthis is going to take a very long timeโ#and the dreamer said โthatโs okโ#Kaneki and I will make that potion we will make it perfectly together and then weโre gonna do that and then we will finally be real humans#kaneki time
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in a hilarious turn of events my flatmate didn't even know I use any pronouns....
#i thought when she was talking abt how her parents thought i was gonna come out as trans and kept checking my name/pronouns-#that the joke was that im ALREADY trans but in ways they dont know abt.... but nope she genuinely didnt know ๐คญ#to be fair. i dont rly let anyone in on my gender business unless we're close enough to be dating or its an anonymous online space#like im legally cis and thats fine. idc abt ppl using my name + she/her bc thats not my gender identity its just AN identity that i use-#to navigate the world without ppl being fucking nosy bc i pass as + am sociopolitically treated as a woman (if butch lol)#to ppl who are friends ill joke that my gender is dyke (true) and to friends whose gender falls on a similar spectrum-#or who are transmasc ill talk a little more honestly abt it bc theyre usually able to understand better than anyone else#other butch dykes w a weird gender going on are the only motherfuckers who actually Get It but theyre hard to come by tbh#to be frank i dont fucking know whats going on w my gender. and i dont rly care enough to do the introspection to figure it out rn#i have so many other problems in my life and im lucky that most of my beef w gender can be solved by presenting butch + binding#and using any pronouns around other queer ppl. its actually incredibly funny to me when ppl she/her me bc its like tch. this chump hasnt#unlocked my level of gender yet. pronouns and names in general are so far disconnected from the way i exist in the world...#its just smth thats fun for me to play around with + makes me feel weird sometimes but in ways i havent distilled yet yknow#and this has been my approach to gender for like?? 4-5 years now??? and likely will continue to be for a long while..#anyway. its not actually that surprising my flatmate doesnt know bc shes cis so ive never felt compelled to have a deeper conversation#abt gender with her. but also i could sweeaaar its been mentioned bc almost all our other friends are trans lol#and also ive been introducing myself at queer sports socials w any pronouns and i swear i talked abt that w her..... whatever#and my pronouns are on discord and shes def seen my tumblr before but maybe i didnt have them in my bio at the time... i digress#i kind of prefer cis ppl she/hering me tbh. theyre not able to they them or he him or whatever else me in a way that matters.....#altho i do find it fascinating when she or other ppl elect to use neutral or masculine terms for me. raising an eyebrow and taking notes#like when she got a job and joked abt me being her househusband.. pulling up the fem/masc tally chart and chalking a line up#a la nona the ninth.... ive been trying to figure out whos inhabiting this body my entire fucking life with no luck girl#ANYWAY just smth to think abt. im so tired i think my brain is gonna start seeping out my eyeballs#im gonna watch some more pluto and read and then -> ๐#another 6:30 start tomorrow woohoo#.diaries#zzzzz
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the bittersweet but absolute flood of relief that comes from admitting defeat at living independently, to have to move back in with parents. we tried! we gave it our best shot for almost 3 years! but living like this (being on our own) is just not possible for us at this time of our lives. we've finally proved it to ourselves that we can't do it. it'll be okay to let ourselves rest now
#latimers parents not mine!!!! i am NOT moving back to florida LOL#really hope that the changes will be good for my mental health. this apartment is toxic to us#ive been on the verge of meltdowns Kind Of A Lot lately. imnot doing great#extremely dependent on substances. just to reach a baseline level of functioning. but even that isnt working as much anymore#the only things i do on my phone or tablet these days is like. 2 mobile games. and skirting past my dms to check latimers blog#its too overwhelming to even open discord these days yknow. everything on earth is too much for me right meow#i havent been drawing i havent been social online OR irl i havent been cooking or creating#i havent been keeping up with personal hygiene like at all im particularly ashamed about that one#i've been really bad about doing my T the past few months which is a HUGE shame because im SO fucking hyped to be on it#theres just. too many obstacles in getting it done half the time. and the other half of the time i just forget#anyway. anyway.#our lease ends in july so between now and then we're just gonna try our best to tolerate our living situation enough to get by#there's a light at the end of the tunnel. and its called 'i only have to be in charge of like 2 rooms at most. and not a household!'#we're gonna try to slowly comb through all our things between now and then so the process of moving wont suck as bad#cuz listen. its pretty fucking bad right now#maybe not for other people. but it is for me. and its okay to let myself come to terms with that#im just. so relieved. still very stressed! but theres at least light at the end of the tunnel and its only like 2 months away#ill be able to draw guilt-free again. ill be able to just EXIST guilt-free#i dont think ive felt guilt-free for just existing the way i do since like. turning 20#i know my mom wouldve loved if i stayed home forever. and im sad i cant be there for her#but ever since i had a fight with my dad at 15 or 16 it just really felt like he didnt want me there more and more#maybe as the youngest he was resenting that i was preventing him from becoming an empty nester or something. i dont know#because all the other kids had been moved out and on their own at least once but i had never left home before#i dont know if he'd be heartbroken or not to hear that i feeling like he was resenting me. but thats the energy i was picking up for years#i dunno. i dont know#anyway. back to housing. for now im going to try to relax and store energy for the moving process#the huge pile of things by the kitchen? i dont have to worry about that becoming permanent because we're leaving in 2 months#the general discord of the state of our possessions? we have to go through everything to pack it all anyway. we can move in RIGHT this time#when we moved in here we didnt have a car or license so we were dependent on latimers 3-hr-drive-away parents to help us move#just /across town/. and we had a whole month between leases! but it still had to be done in a weekend
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As of yet unnamed game card art!
#pixelart#pixel art#card game design#card games#scottish mythology#Happy new year gang#I've been on my course for a good while now. I have a new very close friend from it and have made a few others as well#Our little group is in a discord and we're all a good bit nerdy haha#I'm far from the oldest one in the class/group which is always good to see#We got two weeks off for winter break which is great. We come back tomorrow. I'm not ready lmao.#But with the time I got I treated it like a game jam. Me and friend were like โwe got two weeks let's make what we canโ#And I wasted the first few days. Not by not working but by using AI to try and help with code. Turns out it's terrible at it.#I've been openly anti-AI but our course encourages us to use it for coding so I thought it would be good at games.#Nope. It's dogshit. It worked for a while but I ended up working so much more efficiently just making the code myself#So this new game. It's a card game. you might be thinking โThis has nothing to do with the 16 characters you were making what happened??โ#It's all connected. ALL of it. Greenhollow. HoaM. Elphame. This new project. The 16 characters. They're all connected.#It's gonna sound like the story will be oversaturated and it is. But I'm not worried about that rn. Just making sure the game is fun.#And I can confirm: The game is fun. It's playable. Graeme and I have been playing it a ton and I feel so happy. I love designing the cards#I don't want to explicitly state what's up but here's a clue: These 20 cards are all playable by the ISTP character#That will either make you understand completely or not help you at all.#Anyway. I'm tying in previous projects so they all get to tell their story. My sister made designs for characters ages ago#and I'm finally getting to show them. One is on one of these cards. But I intend to show all of them and tell all their stories#Of course since there are so many characters a lot of the little side stories will be optional.#I'm getting ahead of myself. But I'm loving doing art and programming for this rn. Tomorrow I return to DA lifestyle...#But at the end of the month I'll be a lot less busy and might get to work on this again. No idea of a release ETA#but in 2 weeks I've done 20 cards. I'm hoping for between 128-256 (I love symmetry). That said it's faster once I'm in the habit of it.#I have a little bit of programming left before this version is final (4 cards left) but yeah. It's looking damn good.#I'm not as manic as the last post but I am very proud of myself#Also 2024 was my favourite year for movies lmao. Inside out 2 wicked and sonic 3 were all amazing All 3 make me sob like a baby#2024 was crazy. I lived so much hahaha. I met a lot of people and travelled so much and got so fit (then lost it all in winter)
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suddenly remembering how we used to write down conversations between our old host and their "ocs" (see: headmates) during school when we were super stressed out. hmm.
#this is from the same time period that we found out Aerina was from so we were def a system but still an egg#still in that all-systems discord rp server while i was doing this and still clueless ๐ญ like i think abt that fact so often i am Dumb ๐ญ๐ญ#but like. we have a few memories of doing this during exams and things. and we had not had our syscovery yet#but like. in those few fragmented memories. i can Tell there's multiple people there#like?? i don't know how to describe how we know if a memory was formed by multiple of us or just one of us#like if multiple people are near front or if it's just one in that memory#and sometimes we can tell OH that was THAT GUY that makes so much more sense now but not often#but we can tell when a memory is from a cofronting time? idk it's weird#these were conversations with the same guys we had after the syscovery though with a few exceptions#sometimes i wonder if it would be a bad idea to try to find all my old fave fanfics of the time to try to unearth some fictives-#we definitely had at least one. i know for sure. from a specific fic#bc we dressed up as one of those fic characters for halloween#it was specifically a fanfic character that guy was not in the canon whatsoever lmao
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my reaction after ()โs attempt to gaslight me for the uncountable time into trying to repair this broken relationship that they ruined
#es talks#no because whyโฆโฆโฆโฆ#you ended it i didnt doโฆ anythingโฆ. (head in hands in disappointment)#story time here.. click for more if u wanna read..?#ill call them (). one day they texted me about our friend who ill call koru who unfollowed(?) them on twt because they kept#commenting (more of in a critical way..) about how their art was missing fingers despite it being drawn correctly. so they tried to somewhat#force me to stop talking to koru and shit talks about them to meโฆ. which i still remained in contact with koru and told them everything#so we stayed as besties and eventually () came by to visit me and eventually found out i was still friends with koru then decided to throw a#temper tantrum and ignore me to the point their mother had to get involvedโฆ which still didnt work out after their mother helping us 3 times#then our โฆ like 4 years or longer relationship just went down the drainโฆ all because of that.#unfriended me and also started shit talking me to their friends then just yesterday which i found out today#<- discord btw -> she then sent me multiple messages in some gcs we were inโฆ calling me disgusting & said i shouldnt ignore wtf i did in#an attempt to gaslight me thinking what i did was gen wrong and also guilt tripping me to crawl back to her to beg and apologize as i always#doโฆ but i just had enough ehfjejdje#well ill most likely delete this later just needed to get this out of my system!
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Would you guys be interested in an art discord server with me? Specifically, iโve been given the idea every now and then to run my own discord server where i get to just focus on sharing my art, especially making it like. Patron/kofi-member accessed for at least some channels
Have you guys been a part of discord servers like these that are focusing on other peopleโs art? Have you been a part of discord servers that are paid access?? Do you have suggestions etc? Or dislikes?
Ive been thinking that maybe I can use it as a place to 1) host art streams (since my internet lags heavily on picarto & twitch, but not discord), 2) show off wips in real time instead of having to choose between tumblr, twitter, insta, tiktok, etc) at the very least
For maybe $3-5 a month, what would YOU want to see as paid options, or what would you be willing to pay for?
#do you have any other suggestions on what i can offer for patreon/kofi-memberships related to discord?#i think the most interesting to me would be the streaming part#weโve been wanting to stream for the LONGEST time but our internet is not strong enough to cater to twitch and picarto etc#but discordโs streaming services are actually way better and has less lag/delay#so that would make it easier for us to stream#we also love organizing disocrd servers so if any of you have cool or fun ideas i can try to implement them best i can#we just want to open a patreon (or something like it) again because of many reasons#you guys could watch us stream commissions and design pride animals in real time#or literally anything else#maybe a paid access channel could be request streamsโฆโฆโฆโฆ much to think abt#would that be fun ??#maybe we could do art c;asses togetherโฆ#im not a professional but we could all stream together and iwe can cheer each other on lol#less of a class and more of a peer review thing#mod stuff
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i can't believe this keeps happening to me. i figure out a theory i think i might want to apply in my thesis, go look at the text that has the theory, and find that that text already mentions jane eyre
#DORRIT COHN WHEN I GET YOU#i'm trying to apply discordant narration bc i'm really realising how significant the judgements of the narrative voice are#for our understanding of the story#but cohn already said that the narrator's judgement are concordant with the overall story#which obviously. it's an โautobiographyโ#i'm not really sure how to angle this??#bc on the one hand it really makes sense to comment on how the narrative voice is the one that makes judgement statements most of the time#which are what one might say mostly relates to contemporary discourse#(along with pure description)#but it feels too risky bc it may start to sound like i'm saying that the narrative voice is expressing brontรซ's judgements#which is not what i mean at all#this is what i get for trying to write a historically contextualising thesis (not actually my thing)#narration is actually more my thing which is why i keep ending up back there#oh. that's what this is#i'm subconsciously trying to change the angle of the thesis to be about narration#fuck this is another completely separate essay isn't it#if you never hear from me again it's because i drowned in new essay ideas that can only come to fruition if i do a phd (not in my plans)#(at least not for another decade)#jag borde ha vetat att det hรคr skulle hรคnda
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nothing has united mcytblr in a LONG TIME quite like this awful fucking trailer has lmfao
#txt#saw it for the first time when a friend sent it in our discord and immediately logged on here to see everyone being haters about it#together <3#and its been nonstop all day LOL#i dont have anything new to add it just delights me . i hope we get a new wave of people describing how theyd do it better#i remember aaages ago people were posting about a hypothetical dsmp musical or stageplay but i cant find the post i reblogged about it#this was years ago ik people have been doign it again lately
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I frequently feel completely isolated no matter how much I talk to people. So that's fun
#sorry if anyone sees these im tired of using my personal discord servet to vent. i always spiral too much#anyways i have an idea for a good poem to write for class because of recent events#ughhhh idk i just wish i wasnt so annoying about asking if i can open ip to people#or if someone would just ask if i was okay. i mean actually id probably lie i am not actually good at being open.#but like hey idk it feels nice to feel like people genuinely want to know#ughhhhfhfhf i do this to myself sometimes JSHSJSKDJDJD#welp its just how life goes. i feel lonely all the time and i soldier on#surely helping the next person will make me feel better! nope. surely helping yhis next person will make me feel better! nope. surely-#tgats me. thats what i sound like#yeah idk it feels like everyone is going through something worse than me so itd be a moral failing on my part#to ask them if i could just like. feel bad. noticeably#not even talk about it just look down and out of it for a day#yknow i emailed one of my teachers asking permission to go by a new preferred name#this is at like. a massive very queer and trans art school.#and i asked him permission to do this#and i was joking with my friends about how pathetic i sounded in it#and one of them patted me on the head and said โthere there buddyโ like very jokingly#but i almost cried because thats the first time in so long someone has like. really tried to comfort me#or shown me much physical affection#my mom gives me hugs and stuff but thats always about her. i dont blame her shes got a lot of stuff going on#but idk its really selfish of me but i just wanna have people see me and feel bad for me and it be about my pain for a little while#ill get over it im just being a teenager but shit god fucking damnit#i just want a break from feeling like my world is falling apart#then getting some footing#then it falling apart again#okay i feel a bit better now better stop the complain train JDJDJSKSJD#hey why do i never hear that it rhymes and everything thays so good#damn i gotta use that more#welp weve reached our stop sorry if anyone ever read thjs. hope you have a nice day tho lol
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#today is essentially my first day driving combine this year since my 'first day' was only like an hour and a half long almost two weeks ago#but of course my first day we're harvesting the field that was the last one we did last year 'care free'#one year ago today was the last time i saw my sister#and tomorrow will be one year since we harvested this field and afterwards we went home for dinner#and while refueling equipment after dinner my brother in law went to see if my sister felt up to running grain cart for us that evening#and he found out she wasnt home and nobody had heard from her all day#so that was the evening of the 16th and we didnt find her until the morning of the 18th#it was probably somewhere around noon on the 16th when she killed herself#and it just wrecks me cause i can remember exactly what i was doing that whole day#like someone here sent me an ask about whumpy music so i spent hours that day compiling a playlist to share here#and i was talking with a friend (in a group chat that consisited of me my sister and our friend) about their zucchini harvest#and another discord server i was gushing about it being the new moon in a Blue Moon month plus the persied meteor shower#and the whole time i had no idea my world had already shattered without me knowing#it makes me hate this field and i hate that even with the way we rotate crops every year it still came up ready this week#probably would've been worse if it came up on the 16th again but it's not much better being on the 15th
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