#I do not have a... mentally healthy history to begin with to be fair but

[blujayonthewing]

the fact that I'm a little worried I might be going a little bit Actually Insane from not leaving the house or talking to people for three years even with the love of my life also living in the same house with me is really shifting my perspective on elyss and melliwyk's backstories

[incoherentbabblings]

Thinking about Tim’s attachment to Steph when he sobbed for her not to leave him in WIBF. 😭😭😭

Could you give your two cents in that scene?

Oh gosh it's been a while I had to go back and reread the fic because I couldn't... remember.

But! Okay.

In the fic they have gone through everything pre-New52 had to throw at them, plus Take Back the Cake I wanted to write about Tim and Steph who are sort of at the end of their tether? Like, Tim thinks a lot in the fic along the lines of 'I can be happy if we can just get over this finishing line' - the line being marriage, of course. He's falling into that trap which he does sometimes of thinking sequentially.

If I do A, then I can do B. And once I've done B, I can be C, which is good.

But life doesn't work like that, and he's doing the thing were he forgets that Steph has her own motivations and interpretations of their shared history that don't necessarily match up with his.

So Tim's trying to convince himself that he's totally fine, totally healthy, no trauma, no lingering unresolved issues etc. And then he goes and gets concussed and Steph is having fun adventures with Damian and Hugo Strange is writing invasive and creepy things about his family and the girl he's sort of pinning all his 'I'm fine' emotions on. And it's just upping the emotions and logic is falling to the side and he begins spiralling.

And from Steph's point of view, she is sort of buying into the same idea right? Look how far we've come we're in a much better place now a clean slate etc. etc. even though she is still hiding things from Tim which she probably shouldn't, but at the same time she's trying to include him in her problems and be honest with him and yeah, move forward with her life with him as a unit, whereas Tim is really struggling with reciprocating.

Then there's the 'welp time to commit a murder bit' which... well. This is pre-New 52 Tim right? He knows its a bad idea to kill because he has seen firsthand where that goes for him. But he also can be really blase with the rule, especially as he gets older. And Steph has been threatened and he is this close to being happy so is incredibly desperate.

So I wanted to write him out of his mind a bit with stress and trauma (mental and physical) and just that primal fear of being left alone because she has done it to him before (again he's not thinking about why she left in the first place, centring it all on himself), and this time its over a moral issue that she used to be fine with (crime of passion) so it shows how far she has gone up, versus how far (in Tim's mind) he's gone down. So feelings of inadequacy spike and he has his wee breakdown.

Steph is caught off guard, completely. She genuinely thought they were moving forward and things were good and - if things were bad, or approaching it - that the two would talk about their issues and work together, like how she tries to in the early art of the fic. She learned her lessons, no more shouldering things alone. A problem shared is a problem halved etc. etc... But she isn't his nanny, or his caretaker, or his morality chain. It's not fair on her.

...So yeah. I think that was what I was going for. :|

[hekateinhell]

What would have happened if Daniel was not dying right before Lestat's concert? If he was perfectly healthy (still kinda going crazy tho) Would Armand still take him to the concert and everywhere else? Or would he be stashed away in a safe location? Would he still feel pressured to make Daniel a vampire?

I can easily imagine several other vampires looking at human! Daniel who at this point has been in a relationship with Armand for over a decade and knows so much about them going "either kill him or turn him, but do it now" if they meet him and even offering the dark gift themselves (Marius would sooo offer Daniel to turn him himself as a reconciliation gift to Armand) and I can see Daniel rejecting it because he wants to Armand's at the beginning but holding it over Armand's head to force his hand

I'm so sure I've answered this question before but tumblr's search function sucks! :( Even though I do my best to maintain a somewhat organized tagging system, I talk way too much on here and things get lost, so if you ever see me repeating myself... no, no you don't.

What would have happened if Daniel was not dying right before Lestat's concert? If he was perfectly healthy (still kinda going crazy tho) Would Armand still take him to the concert and everywhere else? Or would he be stashed away in a safe location?

I don't think there's any way Armand would've brought Daniel with him (mortal or vampire) unless he felt he had no choice! But especially not as a mortal. In DM, Armand is very protective of him and incredibly anxious at the idea of other vampires being near them—hence the amulet and Armand throwing his mental shield around Daniel. I think if Daniel had been reasonably healthy and Armand actually knew where he was when shit started going down, he would've gotten him as far away from it all as possible, whatever was necessary to ensure Daniel's greatest odds of survival, whether Armand himself dies or not.

Would he still feel pressured to make Daniel a vampire?

You're always get to a different answer to this depending on who you ask but from my point of view, I just don't think so! Armand turned him because he had to, and he was so tormented about it—instead of seeing it as an act of love (which it was!)—he saw it as a profound selfishness on his part that meant he was condemning Daniel to hell right along with him. Armand simply was never going to turn Daniel until he ran out that clock.

I can easily imagine several other vampires looking at human! Daniel who at this point has been in a relationship with Armand for over a decade and knows so much about them going "either kill him or turn him, but do it now" if they meet him and even offering the dark gift themselves

To be fair, I think most of what Daniel found out about vampires and their history came from IWTV and TVL, I don't get the impression that Armand intentionally shared that much with him (maybe as a means of protecting him). But still, yeah... Daniel knows enough. Armand broke literally every single one of his old cult rules for this boy!

(Marius would sooo offer Daniel to turn him himself as a reconciliation gift to Armand) and I can see Daniel rejecting it because he wants to Armand's at the beginning but holding it over Armand's head to force his hand

I imagine Marius would've 100% gone the Benji & Sybelle route here with Daniel as well! "Holding it over Armand's head" makes me sad LOL but that sounds on brand tbh given all their fights and Daniel's increasingly escalating desperation in DM. He would've done whatever he thought was necessary to get the Dark Gift and be with Armand forever.

[that-is-just-so-typically-me]

Wish me luck? There’s a strong possibility that tonight I’ll be seeing my ex and her partner together, for the first time since we broke up. I’ve seen my ex several times since, and it’s actually been positive to see her and I’m grateful for the positive relationship we have now (not “relationship” in the romantic sense I case that wasn’t clear - I just say that because it feels disingenuous to say friendship when I still need boundaries in place for my own mental health and healing that mean I can’t really be involved in her life like a friend would and have it still be fair, healthy, and holistic like a true friendship, and it’s also not right to say that we’re acquaintances because we have so much history and I really do wish her so well and warmly).

But it would definitely be a post-breakup “first”, seeing them together, so I can’t confidently say I’m going to handle it as well as I’ve handled talking to and seeing my ex since the breakup. Obviously seeing them together is just going to be different than only seeing her. And one of the big things I’m still working on is healing my body image issues that got really set back throughout both times we were together (but especially the second time). I’m healing and doing a little better, but it’s a fragile kind of okay, and I’m trying to be patient with myself because this is one of my oldest emotional “wounds”. Her partner just has the body that I had always wanted and knew I would never have since I was in second grade, up until I started healing in my early twenties. I was able to begin loving and embracing my body, but the progress wasn’t linear when I was just in situations throughout that relationship where I was in environments that were the perfect storm for comparing myself and not having the right tools or space to step away and reaffirm the value and worth of my body both intrinsically and extrinsically. It did a lot of re-damaging and even deepening of those issues, and I’m definitely not back to the same levels of positive body-image I had at my most healed. I’m worried I’m going to feel like a monster the whole time I’m there, and while I know logically I do not care what other people think, it’s so hard in situations without the “training wheels” on to fight back such an ancient and powerful voice in my head saying, “Everyone’s going to be thinking what an upgrade her new partner is. She’s so tiny and cute and everyone wants to cherish and protect her, and you are just sturdy and can take a hit so no one needs to be concerned about you, and frankly you look like a monster”. Even despite knowing with my whole heart that these are oppressive beauty standards that I never impose on anyone else, just me. I’m always the exception. But it feels so real to me. And I know that thought process sounds dramatic and unhinged, and I’m certainly embarrassed by it, but I don’t know how I can convey that those are, without hyperbole, the reality of the core beliefs I have about myself, rooted in over twenty years of repetition and just highly specific now because of the experiences in my mid- to late-twenties.

Anyway, I miss my social life with how busy I’ve been, so I’m going, even though there’s the chance they’ll be there and I may not end up okay. I’m going to be brave.

[study-coffee-chicago]

Who Would've Thought? A Government Teacher and an English Teacher (A Halstead Brothers + Upstead + Halstead Daughter! Imagine; Part of AU-gust)

A/N: Thank you for reading! Remember to like/reblog and comment! I'm also donating all the proceeds that from my buy me a coffee account to Save The Children to help the children of Afghanistan. Link to buy me a coffee.

Anyway, enjoy!

"Hey, I know you aren't a morning person," your dad said as he walked up to you sitting at the bar in the kitchen with a piece of paper in his hand.

"You're right, I'm not," you said.

"All I need is for you to look over the seating chart I made for the juniors."

"Make sure you didn't put people who have beef next to each other?" you asked.

"Exactly. And I figured, since it's your class, you'd be the perfect person to do it."

"And because I'm your daughter."

"That, too."

He set the paper in front of you. "Since I'm doing this for you, care to make me my coffee?" you asked

"The pumpkin spice one?" You nodded. "Kid, it's the first week of September. It's like 75 out (23.9 celsius). Fall's not even close. And, technically, it's still summer."

"Listen, Dunkin' came out with their pumpkin spice stuff in mid-August. And, you know the minute it hits September, I get in the fall mood."

"But you still won't go to a Bears game with me and your Uncle Will," he said.

"Dad, I don't understand football."

He pulled the K-Cup out and put it in the Keurig. "I told you that me and Uncle Will could teach you. And, you seem to understand it when you're at school football games."

"I just cheer when everyone else does. It's not that hard."

"Fair enough."

He pointed to the counter of the bar, so you looked down at the seating chart. You waved him back over to you as you heard the sputtering of the Keurig, telling you that all your coffee was almost in your tumbler.

You pointed to two seats. "These two girls have had beef since middle school, so throw them across the room from each other." Your dad grabbed a pen from his breast pocket and drew a line to put one of the girls on the opposite side of the room. "These two are dating, so unless you want them talking all the time, I suggest you at least move the guy to a different group." He drew another line on the seating chart. "And this guy dated these two girls, so you need to make sure that they're as far away from each other as possible."

"Which one is he dating now?" your dad asked as he drew more lines.

"Neither. He was dating both of them at the same time. Get why none of them can be by each other now?"

"Gotcha."

He took the seating chart from you and handed you your tumbler of coffee. "I don't drink it black," you said as you raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, believe me, I know, but I'll leave you to do that because I don't want to mess up your coffee to creamer ratio and have you get mad at me for it."

"Fair enough."

You sighed as you poured your creamer into your coffee because you thought about all the homework that was going to be piled on to your plate this year.

"What's wrong?" your dad asked.

"I'm gonna be drowning at the end of today."

"Can't argue with you there. But tell me if you think your homework load for APUSH (AP US History) and AP Gov (AP Government) is getting too much for one class. I'll talk to the teachers. And, you have me to help you with your government homework." He said the last part with a huge smile on his face.

"Dad," you groaned. "You've been waiting for me to be a junior forever now just so you could be my teacher."

"Yup, and you chose AP over me. How rude."

"Sorry, but college is expensive. It was only like 50 bucks a class when you went to college back in the olden days."

"Young lady, I am not old."

"Fine, you're vintage. Better?" He just glared at you while you finished stirring your coffee and then started making your breakfast. "But, at least Hail- Miss Upton doesn't give us a ton of homework because she knows we're drowning in homework already and have the SATs to worry about, so that's nice."

You were super thankful for your Honors English 11 teacher, who also taught AP Stats. She gave you at least half an hour each class period to do your homework since she knew that most of you had sports or after-school clubs or a part job to get to and didn't have all night to do homework. She was the one who also said to send her an email if you couldn't get the assignment done and she'd give you an extension. She said that your physical health and mental health were way more important than you finishing your homework.

Your dad was like that, too. Granted, he didn't give the students in his class a ton of homework to begin with, and he made the class fun...at least, that's what you heard from the kids who were juniors last year. The only time your dad really gave homework was when he gave out study guides to fill out. He'd give them out a week before the test and then after two days, he'd check that everyone got them done and go over them in class so that everyone had the right answers to study from. Mr. Jay Halstead also didn't give tests on a Monday because that was just cruel...and he knew that when he was in high school, he absolutely hated homework, so he didn't give a lot of it. And, he hated coming to school on a Monday when he forgot to study over the weekend, so he didn't give tests on Mondays.

"You're not going running this morning?" you asked as you cut up a banana to go into your oatmeal.

"No, I think I'll run with you guys after school today at practice."

Your dad was also the high school cross country coach. You weren't a fast runner by any means, but your best friend, Emma, had made it to regionals and was a great runner. And, your dad said that you either play a sport in high school or you get a job, so you joined the cross country team. In all honesty, you liked running for the endorphin rush it gave you after the run and just talking to some of your teammates while running or listening to music or podcasts while running. But, you weren't competitive, so that's probably why you weren't as fast as Emma, and your dad knew this. But, he was just glad you were being active in some way after school and that you enjoyed exercising even if you weren't the best or the fastest runner. He just wanted you to live a long and healthy life, and he knew starting to exercise in high school would help you build those healthy habits.

But, usually what your dad did in the morning was go to school at like six in the morning, so he'd be up at five, and then he'd utilize the weight room or the indoor track to workout. Then, he'd take a quick shower and get ready there, and be teaching by 7:30. Yeah, he was crazy for running that early.

"You know," you started, "Miss Upton likes to run. Maybe you should see if she'll co-coach with you? Or maybe she'll run with you in the morning?"

Jay shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. "Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that Hailey and I are just friends. Nothing more."

"Says the man who lesson planned with her last week," you said, wiggling your eyebrows.

"Y/N, she's a coworker. I would've done that with anyone. It was just coffee. You read too much into things."

"Dad," you sighed. "You haven't dated in years."

"Yeah, since Abby dropped you off on my doorstep." He used to refer to Abby as your mom, but she wasn't around, so when you were around 14 years old, you just started referring to her as Abby. After all, you had never even met the woman, and she didn't want you, not even leaving an address on the note attached to your pajamas, so she didn't deserve the title of Mom.

"So, 17 years. You haven't dated in 17 years, Dad. You gotta get back out there. Even Uncle Will said you need to."

"You talked to your uncle about this?" he asked. "Oh, and put some egg whites in that oatmeal for some extra protein."

"What? You gonna make us lift weights today at cross country practice?"

He shrugged. "You never know. Now, no more talking to Uncle Will about my love life."

"There's not even anything to talk about. But, he does think you and Miss Upton would look cute together."

You added some egg whites to your oatmeal and put it back in the microwave for an extra minute.

"This has been going on for way too long now, Y/N. We're not gonna date. We're just friends and coworkers. Just drop it."

You put your hands up in mock surrender.

Ever since freshman year when you had Miss Upton for creative writing (yes, she taught one section of AP stats, one section of creative writing, and she also taught Honors English 11 and regular English 11 for the rest of her sections), you knew that her and your dad would be a great match. So, you confided in Emma and she agreed. Ever since then, you hadn't really let the topic go.

"Fine," you groaned...even though you and your dad both knew that the topic would not be dropped in the slightest.

"Now, do you want me to drive you, or do you want to drive yourself?"

Usually, since he left before you, you'd just drive yourself to school since you were 17 and had been driving for a year now. But, during the first week of school, your dad didn't do his morning workouts, so he always gave you the option if you wanted to ride to school with him.

You pursed your lips. "Fine. I'll ride with you, just cause it'll save me gas."

Jay laughed. "You're not even the one who pays for your gas."

He was right. He was the one who paid for your gas because you had always studied hard...and you played a sport, so you didn't have time for a part-time job. Because of this, Jay decided he'd pay for your gas. But, you did have to work a part-time job in the summer.

"Fine. It prolongs the time before I have to go to the gas station. How's that?" you asked.

"Miss Upton would be proud of how you worded that."

"Maybe you should tell her that, Dad. It'd be a great conversation starter."

***

"So," Emma began as you were warming up for your run after the school day ended, "how'd the chat with your dad go?"

You sighed while jogging. "I don't think it's ever gonna happen. He's too damn stubborn to ask her out and he claims that they're just friends and coworkers. I hate it. They'd be so damn cute together."

"I know," Emma agreed. "You know, I overheard her in the hallway between classes saying that she was going to chaperone the homecoming dance. Maybe your dad could get in on that and that's how they could talk more?" she suggested.

"Emma, that's a great idea, but I really don't want my dad at homecoming. That is awkward as hell."

Emma laughed. "Sorry, didn't think about that."

"Hustle up!" your dad yelled. "Time to stretch!"

You started your normal stretching routine before your dad started to give his normal beginning of the school year speech. "Alright, I need all of you to listen up. I don't want anybody talking over me, you hear me?" You all nodded. "Okay, good. So, I know that some of you have heard horror stories about the old cross country coach who said that if you miss a practice, then you miss a meet...unless it was for being sick." Most of you nodded.

Before your dad started coaching and the other cross country coach retired, a lot of the students hated the previous coach's coaching style. His coaching style was run more to get better at running...which sounded good in theory. But, this didn't actually work. You see, what would end up happening was that he'd make the runs longer and longer. He'd even make the athletes do a long run on Saturday and then a short run (which to him was three miles) on Sunday. If an athlete didn't send him the screenshots from apps like map my run, then they wouldn't be able to race in the next meet. This obviously was a recipe for overtraining and injuries. You heard that one girl even hurt her IT band from running so much! So, it was no surprise that most people hated the coach and so many parents complained, so he stepped down, and then your dad came in to coach.

"That's not how I coach," your dad continued. "School and your grades are really important. So is sleep. I don't want you guys not getting sleep or not getting to spend time with friends or not have other social interactions because you have to practice for two hours and then go home and do homework and get to bed late. I don't want you guys to be sleep-deprived zombies." Most of you laughed at that. "With that being said, if you're overwhelmed and feel like there's not enough time in a day, just come talk to me and we'll figure it out. Whether that's only coming to practice for an hour or taking a few days off to study for an upcoming test or taking time off for a family emergency, we'll figure out what to do." Everyone nodded. "Alright everybody, let's go run the big loop. Keep track of your split times."

***

You were walking inside with Emma to go grab your stuff from your locker after you had finished practice. Perks of having your dad be a teacher? You and your friend could leave your stuff inside instead of bringing it outside with you.

"Just meet me in my room when you're done, Y/N," your dad told you. "Have a good night, Emma."

"You too, Mr. Halstead," she replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jay when it's not school or practice hours?" Jay smiled and then walked down the hall to his classroom to retrieve the stuff he had brought with him for the day...with his shirt sticky from sweat since he had run with you guys today.

He walked out of his classroom with his backpack and gym bag, to come face to face with Miss Hailey Upton walking out of her classroom as well.

"Run with the team today, Jay?" she asked.

"Yeah, you know, first week of school, kind of hard to get my early morning runs in when there's so much to do on the classroom side," he answered.

"Understandable. I've been doing mine after I lesson plan and before dinner. Hopefully, I'll be back to nightly runs soon before it starts getting dark earlier and earlier."

"But, when it gets too dark, then you'll be running in the mornings soon...and then it'll be cold," Jay pointed out.

"There's this thing called a treadmill, Jay. I utilize that in the winter."

"That shows that you're an English teacher: you use big words."

Hailey rolled her eyes. "I see you reading books during your lunch period. I know you know big words, you just prefer not to use them."

"Yeah, because I want the kids to think I'm a cool teacher...not a snob."

"I am not a snob!" Hailey jokingly argued.

"I'm kidding, Hailey! I'm kidding! And, I know you lesson plan and grade on your lunch break, too instead of going to the teacher's lounge."

"Spying on me now, huh?"

"Our rooms are right across from each other and we have the same lunch period, what else am I supposed to do?" he laughed.

Hailey sighed dramatically. "Oh, I guess. Tell you what: come to my room during our lunch period and I can give you some good book recommendations."

"I get enough book recommendations from my daughter, thank you very much. But, I guess I can always use more."

"So, see you during tomorrow's lunch period?"

"See you then. Have a good night, Hailey."

"You, too. Tell Y/N I say hi and not to work too hard on all her homework."

Then, they walked down the hallway and Jay walked back towards where you were still chatting with Emma. All the while, he was thanking God that you weren't there during that conversation between him and Hailey because he wouldn't hear the end of it. But, he was also wondering what the hell he'd just gotten into.

***

"You will not believe what I just saw!" Emma whispered to you the next day in your AP gov class.

"What?" you whispered back.

She had forgotten her laptop in her locker and had to go get it. Which, the route to her locker from the classroom you were currently in went right past your dad and Hailey's classrooms.

"Your dad and Miss Upton are in her classroom eating lunch together."

Your eyes practically bulged out of your head. "No way!"

You received a glare from the teacher and were quiet. But, you'd be sure to ask your dad about this when you went home tonight.

***

"Uncle Will's coming over for dinner in an hour," your dad told you when you got inside your house after practice. You had decided to drive yourself to school today instead of riding with him. "How much homework do you have?"

"Uh..." you blanched and set down your backpack and unzipped it. Then, you grabbed your planner and flipped it open, laying it out on the kitchen table. "I have an AP stats worksheet that's due tomorrow, I have to read half a chapter in my AP bio textbook by Monday, I have to read a full chapter of my AP gov textbook by Tuesday, and I have an APUSH assignment due tomorrow. Oh, and I should probably read a chapter of the book I chose to read for my English class plus I have to annotate a few paragraphs of crappy 16th-century literature by tomorrow, too."

"Christ," your dad said. "So, what do you have to do tonight?"

"AP stats worksheet, APUSH assignment, and I have to annotate for English. I could always not read the chapter in the book I chose to read if I don't want to."

"Do you want me to just tell Uncle Will to come over this weekend?" he asked.

Jay know knew you absolutely loved his brother and that you were always excited to tell him about your day and how school was going. It had always been this way because, when Jay found you on his doorstep, he was 22, and had just started undergrad and was working on his teaching degree. Because of this, when Will wasn't studying in his last two years of med school and later working in a hospital as a new resident, he was your go-to babysitter. And you absolutely loved when he came over...despite not being able to remember much because you were so young. Apparently, you had been particularly fascinated by Will's red hair and would pull on it every chance you got. But, he'd let you play with it until it really started to hurt him because you were his favorite (and only) niece and he knew he'd do anything for you. This came in handy as you got older because you realized you had him wrapped around your finger and would always ask him for homework help. Or, if your dad wouldn't give you spending money, you'd go straight to your Uncle Will, and usually, he'd give you some.

"No," you answered. "A doctor needs to know stats, right?"

"I think so," your dad answered. "Why? Are you struggling already? Do you need to go into the regular stats class instead of the advanced one?"

You laughed at your dad's concern. "No, I'm fine. Just figured he'd be able to check it for me to make sure I did everything right."

"Oh, good. And, I'm pretty sure he can do that. Now, go take a shower so you can get started on your homework before he gets here and so I can start on dinner."

***

"Guess what?" you asked as all three of you twirled your spaghetti onto your forks at the dinner table an hour later.

"Chicken butt," Will said.

Jay rolled his eyes. "I swear, I wonder if Mom and Dad were lying when they said that you were older. Maybe I'm the older one and they just lied to us because you sure do act like the younger brother."

"Relax, Jay. Just because I'm more fun than you and Y/N likes me better, does not mean that I'm immature."

"Anyway," you said, wanting to tell Will what you had found out earlier today, "do you want to know what I have to say or not?"

"Go ahead," Will said.

"Okay, so today during AP gov, Emma had to back to her locker to grab her laptop. And she went right by Dad and Miss Upton's classrooms." You paused as you looked over at your dad and saw his eyes slightly widen and then go back to normal. "And they were eating lunch together in her classroom!"

"Awe," Will cooed. "My little brother's back on the market. Good for you, man." Then, he turned to you. "Upton's the short, blonde English teacher you've been trying to set him up with for years now, right?"

"He's not supposed to know about the set-up part!" you hissed.

"Oh, sorry. Jay, forget I said that."

"Y/N, I already you've been trying to set us up," your dad laughed. "It's been kind of obvious."

"Now that that's settled," Will started, "how'd it go? What did you two talk about? And are you having lunch together tomorrow?"

"You two are terrible, you know that?"

"Oh, we know," Will said. "But, you can't ground me, so I can be as terrible as I want."

Jay laughed. "She won't get grounded for that, Will. She might get grounded if she keeps procrastinating her stats homework, though."

"Need help, kiddo?" Will asked. "I have to read stats for things like new drugs and stuff, so I'm good at that. Don't know if I can help you with actually solving the problem because it's been ages since I've done that, but I can try."

"No, thanks, though. I just took a long shower so I have to get it done after dinner. I understand it all, though."

"Good, you can always come to me if you need help with it, though," Will offered. "Or, since it's Miss Upton--" He looked directly at Jay when he said Miss Upton and then turned his attention back to you. "--who's your stats teacher, you can always ask her. But, be sure to drag your dad along with you."

"Will!"

***

Two weeks later

"Might want to tell them to drink a ton of water after this, Jay, because it's so hot," Hailey Upton said as she walked up to Jay Halstead--and Coach Halstead for the next few hours--at an away cross country meet on a Wednesday afternoon in mid-September. "Or better yet, get them some Gatorade."

"Hailey?" Jay asked as he turned around, getting his stopwatch ready. "What are you doing here? And, I'd get them Gatorade if I could. I kinda forgot to pick it up last night."

"I'm here because some kids asked me to come to their meet. And, I always try to come to those things if kids ask me."

Jay cocked an eyebrow. "Would two of those kids be my daughter and her best friend?"

"Among others."

He looked down at the rolling cooler she had brought. "What's with the cooler?"

"Well, you may not have had time to pick up Gatorade, but I did. So, there's one in there for each kid plus the coach...and me of course."

"How'd you know Gatorade would help?" Jay asked. "Other than logic of course."

Hailey laughed. "I've run a few marathons in my life, Jay. I know all about proper hydration and how important it is to refuel after a hot run."

At this, Jay raised his eyebrows. He knew that she ran, but she didn't know that she ran marathons. "Oh, wow. Which ones?"

"You know, the Chicago marathon obviously. Always wanted to do like Boston or someplace, but you have to qualify for those, you can't just go and sign up like here in Chicago. Oh, and I've always wanted to do a Disney marathon. I think it'd be cool, you know? Run through Disney World, maybe hop on some rides during the race."

Jay smiled. "That actually does sound really fun."

The announcer said that it was ten minutes until it was time to race.

"I gotta get to the first mile marker," Jay said.

"Okay, where's our tent? I'll go put this cooler under it."

Jay told Hailey where the tent was and was about to leave when she stopped him.

"Where do I get the maps? I can go to the second mile marker to help out with times in case you can't get there fast enough," she suggested.

"That'd, uh, that'd actually be great, Hailey. Thank you. And, you just get the maps from the table right over there," Jay answered and pointed to a table about 200 meters away.

"Awesome, thanks. See you after the race, Coach," Hailey joked.

Jay nodded and started to jog off toward the first mile marker. But, all the while he wondered what the hell this woman was doing to him. Because he felt his cheeks heating up in a blush as he jogged off.

And, as for Hailey, well she was watching as Jay jogged away and loved the way he ran with perfect form and how his biceps flexed just enough that she could see the muscles slightly bulge.

She laughed to herself. If they ever went running together, she'd have to tell him to loosen up because you weren't supposed to run with your arms as taut as his were; he was wasting energy.

But, for now, she just made her way over to the tent and left the cooler and then went to get a map and start off toward the second mile marker to help out a fellow teacher...well, maybe he was starting to be more than just a fellow teacher. Neither of them really knew at this point. But, Hailey liked the thrill of it all. She felt like she was in high school again...a high school student, not a high school teacher.

***

You panted and winced as you crossed the finish line. Shit, your shin splints were really acting up this time, and God, it was so hot out and you felt nauseous and even had to walk during some points of the race. We'll see what your dad had to say about that.

Wait, was that Miss Upton coming up to you?

It is! She actually came!

"Y/N, are you okay? I saw you walking," she said worriedly while your dad jogged over since you were the last one on your team to finish.

"You good, kid?" your dad asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. My shin splints just hurt really bad and I think the heat's making me feel sick."

"Okay, well, I have to go watch the boys and make sure they're ready. Hailey, can you, uh, help Y/N? The medical tent's across from here. Maybe make sure she gets under our team tent without puking and get her something to drink?"

"I can do that, Jay, don't worry."

Emma walked up to you. "Good job!" she exclaimed.

"Girl, I didn't even run as fast as you! You flew through there. But, it's hot as hell!" you said.

"It is really hot. You gonna watch the guys' race?"

"No, Dad told me to sit under our tent in the shade. Gotta get some ice for my shins first, though."

"Shin splints acting up?"

"Yeah."

Then, you, Miss Upton, and Emma walked over to the medical tent where you got bags of ice wrapped around your shins.

***

"I'll run to Mcdonald's and get you ice, too," your dad said before you got in your separate cars back at school after the meet. "What do you want?"

"Uh, a ten-piece nugget--don't forget the honey mustard--a medium fry, and a medium lemonade," you said as your dad typed it into the notes app of his phone. "Thanks."

"I'll see you at home. Drive careful."

"See you in like half an hour."

Then you drove home and decided to start on some homework while still in your sweaty cross country uniform.

When your dad got home, you gobbled down your food because damn, you were hungry after that mentally taxing race. Then, you and your dad filled the bathtub up with ice and cold water.

Time for hell...aka an ice bath. At this point, you'd do anything to prevent your shin splints from getting bad. At least the old coach wasn't coaching because, from all the horror stories you heard, it'd be worse for your shins if he was coaching and not your dad.

After you changed into a pair of spandex shorts and a long-sleeved running shirt and a hoodie, you lowered yourself into the freezing and icy water. You set your phone timer for eight minutes and braved the cold for that long.

Then, after that, you drained the bathtub and took a very hot shower. But, as you were in there, you started feeling nauseous again. You crouched down and actually ended up throwing up a bit in the shower. It was nothing major, you just figured it was from eating too fast. But, you were still really tired.

And this is what you told your dad when you got out of the shower.

"But, I still have homework," you said defeatedly. "I kinda wanna just go to sleep now. It's already 7:00 and I have at least two to four hours of homework to do."

Jay sighed. He never wanted to play this game, but he wasn't going to let you run on not enough sleep tomorrow when you weren't even feeling your best.

"What classes?" he asked.

"Uh, I have to get APUSH done which will take me like at least two hours, and then I have English and stats homework," you answered.

Jay sighed. "I'll give Hailey a call and explain the situation and see if she'll give you an extension on the English and stats homework."

Your eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes, now go grab some water and get started on your APUSH homework. And.. it will only be a one day extension."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best Dad ever!"

Then, you grabbed your water and went back upstairs to your room.

But, all you could think about was that your dad and Miss Upton were talking over the phone outside of school. Maybe they were becoming more than just co-workers.

Jay dialed Hailey's phone number and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Jay?" she asked when she answered.

"Hi, Hailey. Yeah, it's Jay. Listen I have a huge favor to ask you," he said.

"What is it?"

"So Y/N puked a bit in the shower, probably because of the amount of sodium in those damn chicken nuggets she wanted, and then she took an ice bath and then a hot shower, so the quick and significant temperature change probably played a role. Anyway, how it happened isn't the point. It's just that she's really tired and she has AP US history homework that she has to finish. So, would it be okay if you gave her a one day extension on her English homework and her stats homework? If not, I completely understand because you can't just make exceptions because she's a teacher's kid and--"

"Jay, relax," Hailey laughed. "Yes, I'll give her the extensions. What is it that you always tell your team? Their physical and mental health comes first?"

Jay chuckled and then took a sip of his beer. "Yeah, that's about right. And, thank you. Y/N will greatly appreciate that."

"No problem. But, I also have a favor to ask you."

Jay cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

"So, we're short on chaperones for the homecoming dance and I was wondering if maybe you could chaperone? And, I figured that since you have a kid and would probably want to be there for her pictures before the dance, you don't have to help us set up. Maybe just chaperone and then help us tear down? If not just chap--"

"Hailey, of course, I'll help out. Now, Y/N, she might not be happy that I'll be chaperoning her school dance, but I'll be there. Count me in."

***

2 weeks later, 3 days before homecoming dance

"Okay, I know I'm just your English teacher," Miss Upton started at the beginning of class that day, "but I still care about your guys' safety. So, please, please, please do not drive drunk or buzzed. Call your parents to pick you up. I can absolutely promise you that they'd be happier that you called them to pick you up than you trying to drive home and getting into a car accident."

"What if my parents will be mad at me for drinking anyway?" one kid asked.

"So, if that's the case, you can always call me and I will come pick you up from wherever you're at. I can lose a few hours of sleep to make sure that you guys are home safe." She started writing numbers on the whiteboard. "Right here is my cell phone number, if you think you'll need it, write it down or make it a contact in your phone. Again, I'd rather not come to school on Monday and learn that one of you is in the hospital because of something that could have been prevented."

You pulled out your phone, you didn't think that you'd need Miss Upton's number, but you figured you'd put it in just in case since two girls from your AP gov class asked you to be the DD for a party. You were kind of friends with them, like you studied for tests together, but that was it. But, you had debated it because it was a party after homecoming and you had never been to a party before...let alone one after a dance.

"Oh, Miss Upton," you said as you put your phone face down on your desk.

"Yes, Y/N?" she asked.

"What color dress are you wearing when you're chaperoning the dance?"

"I haven't really thought it much." She furrowed her eyebrows as she wondered why you were asking this question. "But, probably red. Why?"

"Just wondering."

And now, you just needed to make sure that your dad had a red tie and that he actually wore it when he was chaperoning the dance.

***

3 days later, homecoming

"What about this?" your dad asked as he walked out of his room in dress pants, a white shirt, a navy blue tie, and a sport coat.

You were already in your dress and had gotten your hair and nails done earlier in the day, so now you were just waiting to take some pictures with Emma and then actually go to the dance.

"Hmm, I don't know. The shirt and tie are kind of what you wear to work everyday, so I think you need something different. Maybe a brighter tie or something," you said and then walked into his room and opened his closet.

You sifted through the closet until you found what you were looking for: a black shirt and a red tie.

"I think you should wear these," you said and laid the two pieces of clothing on his bed.

"What? Why? You know I never wear red. That tie has been hung up in my closet since you were probably ten," he argued.

"That's the point, Dad! You need to get out of your comfort zone and wear something besides what you wear to school...or in your case, work. It's a dance, so you have to wear something fancy."

Jay groaned. He knew he wasn't going to be able to win this argument.

"Fine. I'll change."

"Good."

Then, you walked out of his room.

Your plan had worked.

***

"Mr. Halstead," Hailey said as she saw Jay walk onto the dance floor a few hours later when all the lights were off and the cleared-out cafeteria became full of students dancing.

"Miss Upton," he greeted. She laughed. "What?"

"It's nothing," Hailey said quickly. "It's just that, well your tie..." she trailed off while his eyes raked down her body in the slightly tight (but not too tight because they were at a school function) spaghetti strap bright red dress that she was wearing. "Let's just say I now know why Y/N asked me what color dress I was wearing."

Jay groaned and shook his head. "My daughter. Always...you know, I don't know what her game is at this point, but I should've suspected something when she told me to go change."

But damn, Jay thought, she does look good in red.

God, Hailey thought, I wish he'd wear those kind of black shirts to work more often.

***

It was now after the dance and you and your dad had arrived back at home at around the same time.

"You're a little devil, you know that?" he asked when you were both inside.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I plead the fifth," you replied.

"Very funny. You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. You should know this, Dad, you teach government."

"You can plead the fifth in court, but you cannot do it with your dad. So, I know that you asked Hailey what color dress she was wearing just so my tie could match it."

"Oooh, so we're calling her Hailey and not Miss Upton now. I'd say that's a step up. What did you two talk about at the dance? Because I know for a fact that you didn't ask her to slow dance."

"And you didn't slow dance with anyone either, so we're even, kid," Jay retorted.

You rolled your eyes. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Get this hair out."

"Okay." Your dad yawned. "I'm gonna get to bed. Now I know why you sleep until noon the day after dances: they're exhausting."

"Tell me about it. Goodnight. Send Miss Upton-- well, Hailey now-- a text to make sure she got home safe!"

You didn't even wait for your dad's witty reply before you bounded up the stairs and into your bathroom.

But, you didn't actually end up taking a shower. You ran the shower while you washed off your makeup and re-did it into something more party-appropriate and then took down your hair and put it up into a ponytail.

After half an hour, you turned off the shower and wrapped your still dry body in a towel after you had stripped off your dress. You peeked out of the bathroom to see that your dad's bedroom door was closed, which meant that he was asleep.

Then, you tiptoed into your room and changed your clothes.

You pulled out your phone to tell the girls to park a few houses down so your dad didn't hear the car pull in the driveway or see the headlights.

Your plan of going to your very first high school party was a go.

***

It had been two hours since you had snuck out and it was nearing two in the morning. And, you weren't feeling too hot. You had decided not to drink because you were the DD out of you and the two girls from class. And, you had kept the car keys away from them so that they couldn't do anything stupid...and so you could keep them safe. You hadn't drank anything, but you had eaten the fruit off of the top of the spiked punch bowl and, for whatever reason, you were starting to feel lighter and happier.

Shit.

Your dad had warned that fruit soaks up alcohol. How could you have been so stupid to forget that? He was going to kill you! There's no way you could call him to pick you up, absolutely no way!

Somehow, you found your friends, they were by the makeshift bar, no shock there because you knew the only reason they were there was to get drunk. Note to self: if people you only know because of one class ask you to come to a party for the sole purpose of being the DD, do not go.

Luckily for you, one of the girls' boyfriends played on the football team and wasn't going to risk his season just for one party. So, you told him that you needed to leave and that you were the DD and asked if he could get the two girls home safely. He agreed and you passed off the car keys to him.

Then you walked outside, the chilly mid-October night air helping to slow the nervousness coursing through your veins about facing your dad.

You pulled out your phone and hit the contact you had made in class a few days ago.

"Hello? This is Hailey," you heard Hailey's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Miss Upton, it's Y/N Halstead," you said.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" You heard shuffling on the end of the line and assumed that Miss Upton was standing up from somewhere.

"I mean, I'm kinda woozy I guess. But, I snuck out and my dad doesn't know where I am." You hung your head. You couldn't believe you had been so stupid.

"And you had a drink so you can't drive home?" she finished.

"Yeah." She didn't need to know the details. All she needed to know was that you needed help getting home.

"Okay, send me your location and I'll be there soon, okay? Is it safe for you? Do you need me to stay on the phone or call the cops?"

"No, no, I'm perfectly fine. Just need someone to drive me home."

"Okay good. Send me that location and I'll be there soon."

Then, she told you the model of her car and the color so you could spot her easily. Once you were off the phone, you sent her your location and she replied with a thumbs up, telling you that she got it.

Your phone rang. You thought it was Miss Upton, but then you looked down and saw it was your dad.

Double shit.

***

"Please don't tell my dad," you said when you pulled up to your driveway half an hour later.

"Y/N, I have--"

But, she was saved from telling you that she needed to tell your dad when the front door flung open.

Your dad must've seen the headlights.

"Go," Miss Upton said. "You're only prolonging the inevitable if you stay in here."

You sighed. "Will you walk me up?"

"Sure."

So, both you and Miss Upton exited the car.

The minute your dad saw you, he ran down the steps to you.

"Young lady!" he yelled. "Where were you? Do you know how worried I was? You could've gotten seriously hurt!" He paused. "Get over here!"

You knew to listen to him when he pulled out the dad voice.

He put two fingers underneath your chin and tipped your head up. "Breathe. Now."

It was faint, but it was there, your dad smelt stale vodka on your breath...mixed with a citrusy scent and teeth that hadn't been brushed since the previous morning.

He sighed and clenched his teeth. Then, he put his hands down and he finally spotted Hailey. "Hailey, what are you doing here?" he asked, unclenching his jaw.

"I always tell my students that they can call me if they need to get picked up from parties and can't drive. So far, Y/N's the only one who has utilized that."

"Well, thank you. I'm sorry she had to make you come out at this time of night." He turned back to you. "As for you, go inside. Not only did you drink, but you went to a party, too. We'll talk in a few minutes."

You hung your head and made your way inside and sat down on the couch in the living room.

Jay walked up to Hailey. "I'm really sorry about her. But, thank you for getting her home safe. How far did you have to drive? I can give you gas money for all of this on Monday."

"Jay, it's fine. I make this offer for homecoming and prom every year. You don't have to pay me. I just wanna make sure all the kids get home safe, that's all."

"At least let me buy you coffee or something. You brought my little girl home safe when I didn't even know where she was. I think that warrants some type of reward."

"If you want to repay me that bad," Hailey began, "I'm lesson planning and grading at Starbucks tomorrow. I guess you can buy me a coffee."

"Done. Text me the time and I'll be there."

"Will do."

"Now, excuse me, but I have to go deal with my daughter."

"Goodnight, Jay."

"Night, Hailey."

Then, she drove off and back to her house while Jay walked up his front steps and wondered what he was going to say to you.

"Look at me," your dad demanded when he made his way into the living room.

You looked up. "I'm so--"

"No," your dad said quickly, cutting you off. "You don't talk. You only listen. Do you understand me?" You nodded. "Good. Do you know how worried sick I was when I couldn't find you inside? I was beside myself, Y/N. I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were hurt. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you. What you did was stupid and reckless and please do not ever, ever do that again. Never do that again. Do you hear me?"

"Yes," you answered.

"Good."

You took a deep breath before you asked your next question. "Am I in trouble?"

Your dad sighed and sat down next to you. "As much as I want to ground you, no you are not in trouble. I'm just so relieved that you're home safe. And, you made the right decision by not driving and calling someone to pick you up...even if it wasn't me."

"Do you want an explanation as to why I went?" you asked.

"No, God no. I may look calm on the outside, but on the inside, I'm still pissed."

"Can I ask how you knew I snuck out?"

"You forgot to leave your fan on and I knew it was way too quiet in your room."

The doorbell rang.

"Shoot, I forgot to tell your uncle that you're home safe. But, you better go up to bed before me and him talk and think of a punishment for you."

"So you're still mad?" you asked.

"A little mad, but mostly I'm just relieved and disappointed. I thought you knew better." You hung your head. "Now, go to bed."

"Okay." You stood up. "Goodnight, I love you." You gave him a hug.

He gave you a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, too, kid. Now, get to bed."

You went upstairs, but instead of going all the way to your room, you sat down on the landing, intent on listening to your dad's and your uncle's conversation about you.

"Hey, she's home. It's all good," Jay said as he answered the door and then motioned for his brother to come inside.

"Oh, thank God. Where was she?" Will asked as they made their way to the living room and sat down on different couches, facing each other.

"Apparently she went to a party. I know she drank because I smelled alcohol on her breath. It was just a bit, but it was there."

"If you want, we can bring her to Med and I can do a tox screen to see the level of alcohol in her system," Will suggested.

"You know, that's not a bad idea actually."

Jay quickly stood up, but Will stopped him. "I'm kidding, man! Don't do that! She was still lucid when she came home, right?"

"Yeah, she was walking and talking normally."

"Okay, then sit your ass back down and don't drag your daughter to Med. Did you ground her?"

"No, I actually didn't."

"There's a shock. You always said you'd ground your kid if they snuck out. Oh, how things changed."

"I was just so relieved," Jay said and sat back down. "When Hailey pulled in the driveway and Y/N got out of her car--"

"Wait," Will started, cutting Jay off, "Hailey picked her up? Hailey Upton?"

"Yeah," Jay answered. "Apparently she'll give out her phone number to the kids in case they need to get home safe from somewhere after prom and homecoming. And, Y/N called her and not me."

"I wouldn't call you either," Will joked. "You'd probably scream at her in front of everyone at the party."

"I would not!" Will cocked his head to the side. "Okay, maybe, but that's beside the point. All that matters is that Y/N had the wherewithal to know that she couldn't drive and she solved that problem. God, Will, the amount of adrenaline that left my body when I saw her get out of that car was astronomical."

"I bet. So, do you know where she went?"

"I just know it was some party. She got lectured when she got home, don't worry about that." Jay put his head in his hands.

"What? What's wrong, Jay?"

"Anything could've happened to her, Will, and I wouldn't have been there to protect her. I wouldn't have been able to protect my own kid."

"Jay, you can't blame yourself. Hell, most teenagers do this stuff."

"I know, I know. It's just that her grades have been slipping slightly and I'm wondering if I should have her transfer schools." Your eyes widened as you listened to that part of the conversation. "Maybe, having her dad teach at the same school isn't helping her. She went to a party, Will. Maybe it's the kids she's meeting in class, maybe being at another school would be better for her."

"Jay, you can't make a decision like that based on one stupid decision the kid did." He knew his brother was torn up about this, so he changed the subject. "What'd Hailey say?"

"I offered to pay for her gas, but she shut me down."

"Anything else?"

Jay sighed. He knew his brother wouldn't let up. "We're going out for coffee tomorrow to grade. She said I can repay her by buying her coffee there."

"Aw, you're going on a date."

"It is not a date! It's just two coworkers working in a coffee shop together...in their off time."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that."

A few minutes later, the conversation was over and Jay walked Will out, so you made your way to your room.

One thing was for sure: you were not giving your dad another opportunity to even think about you switching schools.

It was time to grind...starting tomorrow because you desperately needed to sleep right now.

***

You woke up around 11:00 the next day, which was Sunday. Then you got up and went downstairs to eat some breakfast.

"Morning," your dad said. "I made breakfast sandwiches. There's two in the fridge if you want one...or both."

"Thanks," you said. You wanted to ask if he was still mad, but you didn't really want to have an argument right when you woke up.

But, being around teenagers all day must've given your dad a sixth sense.

"Listen, kid, I'm not mad at you if that's what you're worried about. You just... you scared me last night. If something happened to you because I couldn't protect you-- because, as a parent, it is my first responsibility to keep you safe. Anyway, if I couldn't keep you safe because I didn't know where you were, I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Can I tell you why--"

"No. As a teacher at the school, the less I know the better. I really don't want to have to tell the administration and then get kids suspended from their sports for drinking. So, all I know is that you snuck out, went to a party, and drank. I don't wanna know who else was there or whose house it was at."

"But, I--"

"Y/N, end of discussion. Now, I have to go and meet Hail-- Miss Upton, for coffee since she so graciously picked you up when you made a bad decision last night. Don't do anything stupid when I'm gone or else you will be in trouble, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it. I'm just gonna study for the SATs."

"Good idea. Be back later. I love you."

"Love you, too, Dad."

***

"...And whatever she's having," Jay said and slid over so that the barista could input Hailey's order.

"Just a grande vanilla sweet cream cold brew, please," Hailey ordered.

Jay paid and then he and Hailey waited by the other side of the counter for their drinks to be ready.

Jay laughed. "You and my daughter have the same taste. You both like vanilla sweet cream cold brews."

"I'm shocked you let her get that with the amount of caffeine in cold brew," she said.

"Eh, it's just like once a week. On my rest day when I don't have to be at school before dawn to run, I'll grab her and I something from Starbucks, and then she'll just stop by my room to get it before school starts."

"That's nice of you," Hailey mused.

"Yeah, but nothing compared to Miss I have coffee in my room for the kids and you can drink as much as you want Upton."

"If you've ever heard kids talk about how little sleep they get like I do since I teach AP classes, then you'd get why I do that, Halstead. I hear kids saying that they normally only get four hours of sleep a night because they're up so late doing homework. While I don't think they should become dependent on caffeine at such a young age and need to be getting a lot more sleep than that, they need to stay awake during school. That's also probably the reason why you and I don't give a lot of homework."

"And it's ridiculous how early school starts anyway," Jay said and grabbed their drinks off the counter.

"I'll drink to that," Hailey laughed and then poked her straw in her cold brew and took a sip.

Once they took their seats, they talked a little before starting to grade and lesson plan.

"Not to pry or anything," Hailey began, "but did you ground Y/N? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to, I'm not her parent, so I know I'm not the least bit entitled to that information."

"Well, you did pick her up when she needed help, so I'd say you are entitled to that information," Jay chuckled. "But, to answer your question, no I didn't ground her just because I was so relieved that she was home. The amount of adrenaline and cortisol that dropped in my body when I saw her get out of your car was amazing, Hailey. Thank you so much." He paused and took a sip of his cappuccino. "But, we did have a talk about how she shouldn't be doing that because it's dangerous and if something happened to her, that I wouldn't be able to help her and since I'm her parent, my first job is to keep her safe. She does know that if she sneaks out or goes to a party again, I will be grounding her, though."

"Well, you had a much different and a way better reaction than my dad did when he learned that I snuck out," Hailey muttered.

But, Jay had great hearing and heard her. He put down his coffee and furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened? You don't have to tell me anything you aren't comfortable with."

"Why did you become a teacher?" Hailey asked instead.

"Why did I become a teacher?" Jay repeated and Hailey nodded. "Well, as you know I was in the Rangers in Afghanistan and, while I was there I saw so many kids walking super far to schools or us accompanying children to school. They had to go through so much just to get to school, and I wanted to make a difference in kids' lives here Stateside. So, when I came home, I enrolled in college and got my degrees in education and a minor in history." Hailey had known that he was a veteran, which explained why he took every September 11 off, but she didn't know he became a teacher because of what he saw over there. "What about you?" he asked. "You went into social work before you became a teacher, right?"

For the past almost month and a half, the two teachers had been eating lunch together in either Hailey or Jay's classroom, and during those, they obviously talked about their experience with education and what made them want to go into the teaching field. Hailey mentioned one time that she was originally a social work major but then switched it to education. But, Jay didn't know why.

"Yeah, yeah, I was originally a social work major. But, it uh, it brought up some really bad memories and I didn't think I could handle being around that all day," Hailey answered, staring directly at her coffee.

Jay cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean? Again, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"Um, it's okay. It's a part of my past. So, why I said that you were a lot nicer to Y/N when she snuck out was because, well, when my dad found out that I did, he uh, he..." she trailed off.

Jay's gaze was soft and sad as he finished for her. "Physical?" he asked, referring to the type of abuse she had endured as a child and teenager.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Hailey, I am so, so sorry that happened to you. I'm honored that you'd tell me this."

"It's uh, it's why I give those kids my phone number in case they need help. And, at the beginning of the year, it's on my syllabus, too," she said.

"In case they need a way out, they can call you," Jay said, piecing it together.

Hailey nodded.

Jay reached across the table and gently grabbed Hailey's hand in his. "You're a good woman, Hailey Upton."

She smiled sadly and nodded, grounding herself by focusing on the feeling of Jay's hand in hers.

"Do you want to get started on grading now?" she asked after a minute had passed.

"That might be a good idea," Jay laughed. Then, he let go of Hailey's hand. But, neither of them wanted that little handhold to end.

***

One month later

God, you were in pain. You didn't wanna get out of bed; you just wanted to sleep. Hell, you needed sleep.

Over the past month, you had thrown yourself into studying. You wanted to stay at this school. You loved all your teachers and you didn't want to leave your friends, especially your best friend Emma. And, you were also scared that if you had to transfer schools, that you might not do well on your AP exams or that you'd have a bunch of other requirements that the new school had that you'd have to do the last half of your junior year and during the entirety of your senior year.

You didn't want any of that.

So, you had come up with a plan.

The day after homecoming and that next week, you studied an hour or two hours later than normal. But, you still felt that you had work to do if you didn't want your dad to transfer you at the end of the semester. So, during your study hall hour, you'd go to the teachers and ask how you could get your B+ up to an A- or your A- up to an A. You'd even review questions you got wrong on quizzes so that you could get them right when those types of questions showed up on the tests.

Yes, the teachers probably thought you were crazy because you had good grades already and were trying to be Little Miss Perfect (or they thought that you were trying to get into another scholarship bracket for college or trying to become valedictorian), but you didn't care if you looked crazy. You wanted to finish your high school career at the school you were at now.

Also during this time, you had been "going to sleep" around 10:00-11:00, which was your normal time, just so that your dad didn't get suspicious. But, what you'd actually do was sleep for an hour-ish and then get up and study more.

It started with you studying until midnight and at the latest 1:30 in the morning...and then you'd wake up five hours later at 6:30. It wasn't ideal, but you could manage. Because, since your dad went to school earlier than you, you just brought extra coffee to school and he didn't notice a thing.

But, since all the teachers wanted to get their tests in before Thanksgiving break, for the past two weeks, you had been doing your power nap thing so your dad assumed that you were asleep, and then would wake up and do homework and study until 3:00-3:30 in the morning. This meant, that during the week, you were running on just three to three and a half hours of sleep a night. And, it wasn't like you could catch up a ton on the weekend, or else your dad would get suspicious. So, you just got like seven or maybe eight hours of sleep on the weekends. So, you were constantly in a state of sleep debt and in desperate need of caffeine.

You had done the extra cup of coffee for the first two weeks, but for the past two weeks, you had been drinking two cups of coffee at your house before school and finishing the second cup at school right before classes start, but then going into Miss Upton's classroom and getting another cup of coffee. Then, you'd also get another one from her room a little after lunch. (You made sure to never go in there during her lunch period because your dad and her still ate lunch together and you didn't want him to get suspicious.) Also, sometimes you and Emma would go to Starbucks to study after school. So, lately, you had been averaging four to five cups of coffee during the week and just two on the weekends. Because, again, you couldn't have your dad getting suspicious.

And, your dad and Miss Upton ran together in the morning before school now, so you really had to be careful about what you told Miss Upton. You couldn't have her telling your dad that you were drinking a couple additional cups of coffee. You just told her that your coffee never stayed warm long enough when you brought it from home, which is why you opted for hers. And, she bought it.

To cover the bags under your eyes, you had been wearing a bit of extra foundation and cover-up. And, to make sure that your dad didn't notice at home, you'd wash off all your makeup after school, but then quickly redo the area under your eyes.

So far, he was oblivious.

But, for a week and a half, your stomach had been super achy and you couldn't stand to eat anything in the morning before you had at least one cup of coffee. So, what would typically happen was that you'd end up eating a bowl of overnight oats in your car in the school parking lot before walking inside so that your coffee had time to digest. You figured out that you were fine after that. Well, it was still achy, but not as bad as in the morning.

God, you wish you were at that point right now.

For the past five days, you've been feeling nauseous and your stomach has been achy, but in the morning, there'd be a stabbing pain before you had any coffee. You'd roll out of bed when your alarm went off and go straight downstairs to get coffee because that seemed to be the only thing--besides ibuprofen--that would alleviate the pain.

But right now, right now was the worst you had ever felt in your entire life. You felt like someone was stabbing your stomach and it wouldn't let up. You felt nauseous like you'd puke any second. And, trying to get into another position didn't help. Nothing helped.

Fuck, you had to swallow your pride and your secrecy and go tell your dad.

You needed help and you needed it now.

So, you got up. But, that just made it worse. You swallowed, trying to keep the lump in your throat and not have it go on the floor.

You whimpered and then walked a few steps and opened your bedroom door.

Then, you threw yourself on the floor and crawled across the hallway.

You held your breath as you stood up, anticipating a ton of pain--which came--when you stood up and opened the door to your dad's room.

Then, you went back on the floor and crawled in there with tears streaming down your face.

It took all your energy to whisper, "Daddy."

***

Jay blinked sleepily. He thought he heard his daughter mumble "Daddy", which she hadn't called him in years. But, then he heard it again.

He looked down and saw a figure curled up in a ball on the floor.

"Daddy, make it stop, please," you whimpered.

He quickly flicked on the light so that he could get a better look at you.

"Y/N, baby, what's wrong?" he asked quickly when he saw your tears, your face contorted in pain, and how jagged your breathing was.

"Hurts," you whimpered as more tears fell and you clutched your stomach.

He jumped out of bed and knelt down next to you. "Your stomach?" he asked urgently. You nodded. "Can you sit up?"

You nodded and leaned against his bed. But, that was a bad idea because the minute you were upright, you puked right down yourself. You groaned and pressed down more on your stomach, which just caused you to vomit more and more.

The minute you started to vomit, Jay looked at the clock. He started to soothe you by rubbing your back, but then quickly stopped and ran into the adjoining bathroom to grab the trashcan and put it underneath your mouth instead.

"There you go, there you go," he soothed as he held the trashcan with one hand and rubbed your back with the other. "Get it out. It's okay. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, Y/N."

But, when you puked for almost four minutes straight and were still in pain after, Jay knew something was seriously wrong.

"Don't get up, you'll make it worse," he said. You nodded weakly. "I'm gonna go grab you some water and Gatorade and put those and a bowl in the car. Then, we're gonna go to Med to get you checked out." You nodded again. "I'll be right back. I love you."

He gave you a quick kiss on the forehead and then sprinted off into the kitchen to grab the stuff he previously mentioned. Then, he ran outside and unlocked his car, turned it on to start heating up, put that stuff in the backseat, and sprinted back inside.

"Y/N, you still awake?" he asked when he walked back into his room.

"Mhm," you hummed with your eyes still closed and your hands still clutching your stomach.

"Okay, I'm gonna throw on a hoodie and my shoes, and then I'm gonna run into your room and grab you some shoes and a hoodie because it's pretty cold out. Are you okay here?" you nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll be right back. Don't get up."

Five minutes later, you had your shoes and hoodie on. You weren't much help getting those on; your dad basically had to dress you as if you were a baby again.

"I'm gonna pick you up and bring you to the car and we're gonna go to Med to see Uncle Will."

"Uh huh," you said, letting your dad know that you had heard him. Then, you felt yourself being lifted off the ground and soon felt the chill of the late November air and then the leather seats of your dad's truck on your back and the warmth of the truck.

"There's water and Gatorade. I want you to take a few sips," your dad said. "There's a bowl, too in case you have to puke again."

You drank a few sips of Gatorade and then laid back down and closed your eyes.

As your dad backed out of the driveway, he called Will to explain the situation and tell him that the two of you were on your way to Chicago Med.

After the call, he threw his phone into the passenger seat and reached his left hand into the backseat, and grabbed one of your hands. You gripped your dad's hand weakly as he drove as fast he could to Chicago Med.

He had to make sure that his little girl was okay.

***

"We've got a treatment room right here," Maggie said when she saw Jay sprinting into the ED with you in his arms.

She quickly led him to it and he laid you down in the bed.

Will rushed in with Natalie and April a few seconds later.

"Y/N, Y/N, can you hear me?" Natalie asked.

"Hurts," you mumbled.

"Jay," Will started, "did she puke on the way here at all?"

"No, no, she didn't. She just puked for almost four minutes straight at home and it's worse when she sits or stands up. She's been clutching her stomach since she woke up."

"Gonna- gonna--" you started to heave and a pink basin was thrust under your mouth and then you emptied the few sips of Gatorade into the basin. You started to cry even harder once you finished. "Make it stop, make it stop! Please make it stop!"

Natalie turned to your dad. "Do we have permission to administer medications?"

"Please," he answered, his voice cracking. He was terrified. He was terrified something was seriously wrong. He had never seen you in so much pain. "You have permission. Just please help her."

April pushed antinausea and pain medications as well as a light sleeping medication because it was apparent that, along with puking and being in a world of pain, you were also utterly exhausted.

"Y/N," April started, "you're going to get sleepy soon. But, can you give us your pain level on a scale of one to ten?"

"Ten. My stomach hurts at a ten," you answered while tears still ran down your face.

"Did you eat anything you weren't used to? Drink anything?"

"No, no," you panted. "Just- just lots of coffee. Not a lot of sleep. Studying."

Will and Natalie shared a look. They knew what this could be. And, at least they got it out of you now, because it was clear that the meds were starting to work and you were fading fast.

"Hun," Natalie began, "we're gonna leave April in here with you in case you get sick again. Is it okay if me, your Uncle Will, and your dad have a chat outside real quick?"

"Want my dad. Please."

Natalie smiled sadly. "Okay, he'll stay. We can talk to him later."

Your dad reached for your hand and held it and rubbed his thumb over the top while you drifted into a medication-induced sleep.

Five minutes later, you were out.

Jay looked at his brother. "What's going on? What's wrong with my kid?"

"From what she told us, it sounds like the acid in the coffee she's been drinking has been irritating her stomach lining. Has she been drinking a lot of coffee lately?" Will asked.

"Not that I've noticed. But, sometimes there's a little less in the coffee pot than I think there should be. But, even if she is drinking two cups, that can't cause this, can it?" Jay asked worriedly.

"No, two cups shouldn't. But, if she isn't sleeping a lot, sometimes lack of sleep can make people feel pretty crappy. So, if she's drinking more than her normal amount of caffeine and not sleeping, then that could be what's causing it."

"But, she goes to bed at her normal time," Jay argued.

"That doesn't mean that she's sleeping. She could be lying awake in bed. Has she seemed more tired to you?"

"No, not that I've noticed. Uh, what do I do, Will? Can't you run some tests?"

"I mean, I can run one to see if she's sleep-deprived, it's a plasma cortisol test. If her levels are elevated, that means she's not getting enough sleep. But, it wouldn't give us the reason why her stomach's hurting so bad and why she's nauseous and vomiting," Will answered.

"Then don't run the test," Jay said. "If it's not going to figure out the problem, then I don't want to put her through that. But, what do we do?"

"If it's what I think, an irritated stomach lining, then we keep her for observation for a few days, ween her off of caffeine to a healthy amount, give her antinausea and pain medications, and just wait for her to go home until she feels better," Will answered.

"Okay. I guess we wait. You mind grabbing me some coffee?"

Will laughed because they had just been talking about how you had been possibly drinking too much coffee and now Jay was asking for it. "Yeah, I can do that. My shift ends in an hour, so I'll be down here to wait with you then."

Jay smiled. "Thanks, man."

***

It was 7:30 in the morning the next day, which was Thanksgiving Day, when Jay's phone rang, waking him up. He answered it without checking the caller ID because he didn't want to disturb your peaceful sleep.

"Hello?" he asked groggily.

"Jay? Where are you and Y/N?" he heard Hailey's voice through the phone.

Shit, the Turkey Trot, he thought.

He and you always ran the Turkey Trot every Thanksgiving, sometimes dragging Will along if he didn't have to work. Then, you'd have your Thanksgiving feast later in the day. Granted, your dad had to keep pace with you for the entire time, so it really wasn't a race. But, it was a nice bonding experience, so the two (sometimes three of you) kept it up.

Jay had mentioned it to Hailey one morning when they were running the indoor track before school started, and she said she'd sometimes run it, too. So, Jay had invited her to run it with him and you, and she agreed.

You were convinced that Miss Upton and your dad were secretly dating.

But, Miss Upton had been waiting for you and your dad at the designated meeting spot for half an hour now. And, Jay Halstead was not one to be late.

"Listen, me and Y/N aren't going to be able to make it. She had some stomach issues last night and now she's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong," Jay said.

"Oh my God," she said as she started to walk away from their planned meeting spot and towards the parking garage where she parked her car. "What hospital are you at?"

"Chicago Med," Jay answered. "Why?"

"I'm gonna find someplace that's open and grab breakfast and then I'll be there."

"Hailey, you don't have to."

"Jay, I want to do this. I'll be there within the next hour."

Then, without waiting for him to protest once more, she ended the call.

***

When you woke up a few hours later, you rubbed your eyes, despite the IV in your hand, and rolled over.

"Well good morning, or almost afternoon," your uncle Will said and stood up. "How's the pain on a scale of one to ten?"

"Uh, maybe a six, seven?" you said.

But then, you looked around the room.

Why was Miss Upton here?

"I'll go get a nurse and let you three talk," Will said and then left the treatment room.

You looked at your dad and raised your eyebrows. At the same time, the achiness in your stomach started up again and you clutched it.

"Gonna be sick?" your dad asked.

"I don't know," you answered.

He handed you the pink basin anyway (a clean one because last night's was gross and went off to get cleaned) and you set it on your lap.

"Feel like you can eat anything?" your dad asked. "Hailey brought food...and coffee, but we'll have to check with the nurses about how much coffee you can drink."

"You brought it?" you asked as you looked at Miss Upton.

She smiled. "I did. I called your dad to see why you two weren't at the Turkey Trot yet, and he said you two were here, so I figured I'd find somewhere that's open and get you breakfast." She rummaged around in the bag and pulled out a container. "He mentioned you were having stomach issues so I opted for something light, so the fruit and nut oatmeal from Mcdonald's. I also grabbed a packet of syrup in case you wanted it sweeter."

She passed the food to you along with a spoon and a napkin. "Thank you," you said as you took them from her. "Sorry I messed up your run."

Hailey laughed. "It's okay. My run's the least of my problems. Me and your dad just want you to get better."

You tried to hide your smile. She said she and your dad. She cared about you more than she did other students...and you were just waiting for them to slip up and call each other babe at this point.

"Hey, I'm back," Will announced as he walked into the room. This time, he had Dr. Choi and Monique in tow. "Natalie and April have Thanksgiving off, so you have Dr. Choi as your doctor and Monique as your nurse."

You nodded.

"Hi, Y/N, I'm Dr. Choi, as your brother just mentioned. Monique here is just going to check your vitals." You nodded again. "I understand you've been having some stomach issues. Can you tell me when they started? Any changes to your diet or routine that I should know about?"

Here goes nothing.

You looked at your dad as tears formed in your eyes. "I'm sorry," you said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Your dad moved his chair closer to you and gently grabbed your hand. "Tell me what, baby?"

"I- I went to that party because--"

"Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to know why because I'm a teacher? Me and Miss Upton are both teachers."

"But I didn't go to drink at all! I hadn't even planned on drinking! I didn't even drink a drink!" you yelled, causing Monique to take a step back. You took a deep breath and turned to her. "Sorry, sorry. I'll be calm so you can do your job." After a few breaths, Monique went back to checking your vitals and you continued your story. "These two girls I know from my AP gov class asked me to come to the party to be their DD. So, I went. But, when I was there, I ate the fruit from the punch bowl and I forgot that the fruit absorbs the alcohol. I'm sorry."

"And when you realized what happened, you called Miss Upton?" your dad asked.

"Yeah," you confirmed. "And, I even made sure to give the car keys to one of the girl's boyfriends who wasn't drinking because he plays sports so that they'd get home safely."

Jay smiled slightly; he had taught you well.

"Did you keep drinking consistently after?" Dr. Choi asked. He couldn't see one drink causing all these problems.

"No, God no!" you said. But, then you clutched your stomach and took in a deep breath.

"Pain?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Yeah, it's not as bad as last night, though."

He looked to your dad. "If she wants more pain meds, will you allow it?"

"Yes," your dad answered.

"Do you want more pain meds?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Please," you answered.

So, Monique started to get the pain medication ready to go into your IV and then pushed the meds.

A few minutes later, once the medication had started to work, you continued your story.

"I heard you and Uncle Will talking," you said.

"When?" your dad asked. "Me and Uncle Will talk a lot."

"The night I snuck out. You and Uncle Will were talking and you said that you might make me transfer schools if my grades don't get better. I don't want to transfer schools, Dad."

Your dad sighed. "Kid, I was mad, but in reality, I wouldn't do that. That was just me being angry and trying to find a solution when I wasn't in the right headspace. Were you so nervous that your stomach hurt all the time?" he asked.

"No," you answered. "but, I started staying up later and doing homework."

"Really? You always seemed asleep to me."

"I'd sleep for an hour and then wake up and study more." Your dad sighed. "I'm sorry. And then I was just sleeping for like three hours, so I'd drink four or five cups of coffee a day and my stomach hurt so bad in the morning if I didn't drink any coffee, so I'd eat breakfast in my car before school."

"For how long?" your dad asked. "For how long have you been bottling this up? For how long have you been waiting to eat breakfast?"

"The stomach aches started a week and a half ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." You started to cry harder.

"Hey, hey it's okay. We know what happened now, so hopefully, Dr. Choi and everyone else here can fix it." He looked up at Dr. Choi who had been intently listening as well. "Right, Doc?"

Dr. Choi smiled. "That's right, Y/N. And, what it seems to me is that you've just been drinking too much coffee, and coupled with the lack of sleep, have had abdominal cramping and nausea due to all the caffeine irritating your stomach lining. So, what we'll do is ween your caffeine intake back down to one to two cups of coffee per day, not go cold turkey because you'll probably feel pretty crappy if we did that, and then continue giving you pain meds and antinausea meds. We'll probably keep you here a few days upstairs in a recovery room just for observation to make sure nothing else is going on."

"So, I have to spend my whole Thanksgiving break in the hospital?" you asked.

"I'm afraid so," he answered.

"Well, this sucks." You looked at the table next to Miss Upton. "Is that coffee for me?"

"It is. I don't know if you can have it, though," she answered.

"She can have it," Dr. Choi answered. "Just, no more after this one seeing as that's a large."

You nodded.

"I got you a vanilla iced coffee. Since apparently, we have the same taste because your dad said you also like vanilla sweet cream cold brews as much as me," Miss Upton said and then handed you the coffee.

"Seeing as everything looks good, me and Monique will check on you later." He turned to the three adults in the room. "If she pukes up that food or her stomach pain gets worse, come get us."

"Will do, Doc," your dad answered.

"Jay," Hailey started, "can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?"

Jay furrowed his eyebrows slightly but nodded. "Of course. Be right back, Y/N. I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad," you said.

Then, your dad and Miss Upton left the room.

Outside the treatment room, Hailey took a deep breath, grounding herself as she prepared to talk to Jay.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"For what?" Jay asked, utterly confused.

"I knew she was drinking extra coffee but didn't tell you! Well, she told me when she brought it from home, that it would get cold too fast, so she always came to my room and had two cups during the day. If I knew she was drinking some at home, too, I would've never let her have any. I'm so, so sorry, Jay!"

"Hailey," Jay began and placed his hands on her shoulders, "it's not your fault. Hell, I didn't even notice it and she's my daughter."

"I know, but I just feel slightly responsible for her being in that hospital bed--"

"It's not your fault, Hailey. I promise. I don't blame you one bit and I know Y/N doesn't either."

Meanwhile, back in the treatment room, you really needed to use the bathroom.

"Uncle Will?" you asked, causing him to look up from his phone where he was trying to figure out what restaurants were open for dinner on Thanksgiving. He really didn't want him and his family eating hospital cafeteria food for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Hmm?" he hummed and gave you his full attention.

"I really need to go to the bathroom," you told him.

He pocketed his phone and stood up and moved over to you. "Okay, I'm gonna help you up and with one arm, I'll hold on to you and with the other, I'll hold onto the IV pole for you. Is that okay?" You nodded. "Do you think you'll need help in the bathroom? I can grab a nurse if you need me to," he offered.

"No, just help me to the bathroom, please. I should be good when I get in there."

"Okay." Then, he helped you up and the two of you made your way over to the bathroom where he stood and waited while you went inside.

Back with Hailey and Jay, Jay reassured Hailey once again that none of this was on her.

"If anything," Jay began, "I should be thanking you. You got Y/N home safe after that party."

"Jay, we've been over this. I would've done it for any one of my students," she said.

"But, would you take their dad up on their offer of buying you coffee if it wasn't my kid you picked up?" Jay asked and tilted his head to the side.

"Probably not," Hailey said, a blush rising to her cheeks.

"Can I ask why?" She stayed silent. "Listen, Hailey, it's been a long time since I've seen you as just a fellow teacher," Jay admitted.

She looked up at him. "Since we're all sharing secrets today, it's been a long time since I've seen you as a fellow teacher, too, Jay."

Jay smiled and moved a piece of her hair behind her ear. He leaned in. "Can I?" he asked.

He didn't get a response because she quickly pressed her lips against his. It was the kiss she had been waiting for since she asked him to eat lunch with her that first week of school.

You and your uncle Will had chosen that exact time to make your way back to your treatment room. You two had seen everything: your dad putting a strand of Hailey's hair behind her ear and them leaning in and kissing.

You were glad that one of your hands was free because you whacked Will across the chest in excitement.

It was finally happening!

Jay and Hailey pulled away and looked at each other and smiled.

"I uh, I hope that was okay," Hailey said quietly.

"Oh, it was more than okay. I'd happily do that again, but we should probably get back into Y/N's room. She's probably wondering what's taking us so long," Jay said.

Hailey laughed. "Probably."

The two turned around and saw you and Will standing thirty feet away. Jay's eyes widened. "Uh..." he trailed off as Hailey blushed hard.

"Finally!" you exclaimed.

"Yeah, I agree with Y/N on this one," Will laughed. "But, who would've thought? A government teacher and an English teacher?" He started to help you walk back to your treatment room but turned his head back to Jay and Hailey. "Oh, don't stop on our account."

"Will!"

A/N: hank you guys so, so, so much for reading! Again, please remember to like/reblog and comment because I love reading all your comments and seeing that you liked/reblogged because that means you enjoyed reading the imagine! Again, I am donating all my proceeds on buy me a coffee until the end of AU-gust to Save The Children to help the children in Afghanistan. Buy me a coffee here.

As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’d be happy to add you!

Taglist: @theambracer88@virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

[fuckinfruitybitch]

I knew Akito was gonna be a huge topic of debate, but for some reason I figured Akigure was going to be overlooked. In my opinion, their relationship is the second most important in the series. I know they’re a toxic pairing, but that’s they’re point. Akigure teaches us a few lessons.

Healthy relationships are built

We are responsible for our relationships

Clean slates do not exist

Fruba is all about examining different relationships between different people. The main couple is Kyoru, and are a shining example of a healthy couple. They listen to and support each other. Throughout the whole series they help each other grow and know they are loved. They don’t fight, they communicate. I love them. But the thing is, of course they are healthy. They are characters we’ve always seen as good. As rocky as they’re friendship was in the beginning, there was no malice. Of course they’d have a healthy romance.

Akigure however is the exact opposite. The two are abusive in different ways to each other and other characters. They began loving and innocent (the garden and flowers) but as of now that’s soured. Looking at it, they should not be together. But having them get together in the end symbolizes the enduring nature of love. I don’t excuse anything they’ve done, which I’ll get to in my next point, but I think they showcase forgiveness. If a relationship is no longer working, it’s time to jump ship, that seems to be a common mindset. But the thing is healthy relationships don’t just happen. Even with Kyo and Tohru those two worked through a lot of damage before getting together. Akito and Shigure have a whole lifetime of damage, some of which they inflicted on each other they need to work through. While it would be easy to just break up, that’s not what they want. Every relationship is hard, and you have to continually work to keep it healthy. Having these two flawed characters in a flawed relationship working to become better shows us that we can become better too. Everyone deserves a healthy relationship, but they’ll only get it if they work for it. It won’t be handed to you and you won’t have the perfect match, you make that. These two are so far from being healthy, but admitting their problems is the entrance to a new relationship that can be healthy. Shigure didn’t want to love Akito because she was a god, he wanted to love her because she was Akito. So he needed her to realize that, and if she wouldn’t be herself, he made it so she would never see his true self. This beginning isn’t just in their relationship, it’s a new life where neither one is playing a part, they’ve come to the garden, uninhibited and honest.

Now, a lot of people think Akito should have been single to rebuild herself. I can’t say I disagree completely, I wouldn’t have minded this. BUT considering her fears of abandonment I think this is just bad. She’s already dealing with the loss of the rest of the zodiac and the identity she’s held since birth. She needs someone in her corner. While Tohru is there, I don’t think that would be fair to Tohru, and Akito still holds Tohru in a very high regard. I think akito would always compare herself to her, and that isn’t good for mental health. Shigure, she trusts him. And I get she’s afraid of him and resentful, but I still think she trusts him more than anybody, I mean the guy even knew about that empty box. So she needs someone to help her regain her footing and not fall back into bad habits, because while Shigure did let her run wild, he didn’t like what she was doing. Another thing is, if we jsut removed her from Shigure and away from the Sohmas, it’s like saying she is a result of her environment. While I believe that’s a factor, it assuages her from responsibility. Akito is the only person responsible for how she treated others. Most of the Sohmas are kind people, despite the damage, but Akito was cruel and abusive. While there is possibility of forgiveness, she is wholeheartedly responsible for every horrible action. She needs to learn how to be good even in a problematic environment, even around people she hasn’t been good to, so she can never blame her actions on the environment. Being able to become better with someone else who isn’t exactly a gold star showcases that anyone can become better.

And the final point, Akigure represents clean slates are impossible. The two do symbolically begin again, but the history is still there. The memory is there, and they have to work with all of that. Akito has to work with the Sohma clan. Shigure has to see Ren and remember what he’s done. And while I don’t think trauma should be glamorized, sometimes you need to deal with the bad to end up with the good. Akito is learning how to be a good person from the guilt and pain of her past. While she can grant future generations a better slate, it will always be a bit tainted. Her relationship with Shigure will always have a bad past, but that doesn’t mean they have to continue that. And going back to the second point, realistically, no once can ever jsut get a brand new life. Traces of the past will always seep in. So Akigure is a relationship that shows how you can still find happiness in a tainted place. The slate will never be pristine, but you can try your best to wash it. I guess that’s the point. These two can be happy and love each other, and it won’t erase anything that’s happened, but it’ll provide us hope. If there’s not hope for a better tomorrow or love, these things can’t come to fruition.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

why does jean warn up to mc so quickly? ikevamp makes it clear that jean is a pretty reserved person and doesn't open up or let people in easily but he seems to let mc in quite quickly and it confuses me quite a bit.

Oh boy, where to begin with this one.

Well, I have a lot of Feelings^TM about this, but I'll try to be concise. Essentially, I think Jeanne doesn't recover in the other routes--or the general storyline--largely because he's just a lot to unpack narratively speaking. And without some pretty direct intervention, he has a hard time healing. MC’s direct intervention was meaningful because it was focused, consistent, and adapted to Jeanne’s specific needs. She also doesn’t make light of his experiences which is key; she fully understands that she can’t fathom what he’s been through. There is a very weighty respect and acknowledgement, a seriousness with which she treats his wounds that’s important.

It’s easy to make this a “why is MC nOt LiKe ThE oThEr GiRlS” but honestly that’s just not the sense I get when I look at all the information available to us. 

That being said, I also just feel like every person's recovery from traumatic events doesn't really look the same? I mean Leonardo’s cptsd isn’t going to operate the same way Jeanne’s wartime/Inquisition cptsd is going to operate. Some people require very individualized healing, others will often require a large scale group effort to lift them up.

Typically people don't ever just get over what happened to them and never worry about it again, either. It's usually a process of coping; the hope is that with time you find healthy ways to deal with grief and move forward. Therapists aren't magicians, they just help people process painful experiences/thoughts. It's honestly up to individuals to find meaningful ways to implement these tactics. 

Tl; dr: My contention is that Jeanne doesn’t open up or choose to stay alive because MC magically heals him, rather his recovery is a convergence of many people’s efforts and hopes that he stays alive. Gilles (he insists that Jeanne must live, asks him to promise), MC (affirms and bolsters that promise), Comte (makes a second life and recovery possible)--and in no small measure Mozart and Napoleon--all make an active effort to buoy him. As people often say, it takes a village to raise a child.

While Jeanne seems to respond most powerfully to MC’s attempts, it feels more like a product of chemistry/compatibility than it does a random cop out. There is no insinuation that only romantic love can heal; after all, MC gets close to him without any romantic intentions at first. They’re just good friends? It’s more that their feelings simply moved in a different direction after a point, which doesn’t necessarily happen all the time. Jeanne is also incredibly moved by Mozart’s love for him as a friend, Comte’s love for him as a father, and even Gilles’ love as a comrade to an extent. If anything, without their input Jeanne’s capacity for romantic love would be questionable at best.

Now, because I can never for the life of me stop analyzing, I have a more large scale outline of my thoughts below. Spoilers for Jeanne’s route:

If we look at Jeanne's life history, he has pretty specific trauma. Most of the harm he endured was a direct result of human rights violations after the war itself. He didn't enjoy fighting and killing people, but he's also very much a man that sees the reality of his position: it's either kill or be killed. His entire goal was to defeat the enemy as efficiently as possible in the hopes of ending conflict, and with his enormous resolve turns the tide. He had no innate interest in inflicting harm, or lack of control when engaging. He isn't pathological about it, and doesn’t dehumanize the other side. He was more "this was an act of necessity, but those are still human beings." So as far as I can tell he has a very strong moral compass and sense of duty, he doesn't show much delusion/confusion in that regard. (Also evident in his conversations with the young orphan boy.) Furthermore, he has been shown to have a sense of humor--cracking jokes with Gilles and boosting morale for his fellow soldiers.

His childhood abandonment is significant (he left his home because he was "not an adequate farmhand and they had no ability to feed all their children") but I don't know if I would consider it a huge trauma point for him. It seems as though he deemed it an act of necessity--not spite. It was simply the way of things, and he couldn't help his wiry constitution. You'd be surprised how common that was once upon a time, tbh... While it's certainly not right or fair, it does appear that in his perception it was the choice he made and he moved on after he became a soldier. Just focusing on what he could do, rather than everything he lacked. For people in his position, they often feel it is useless to linger on what should have been. There’s no time to linger or doubt, life hangs in the balance.

That leaves us with his time under the Inquisition, just before he was slated to be burned alive. I think this is the keystone trauma point for him, because there are a lot of moving parts to his powerlessness here. The first part is that his entire life's mission--ending the war so that people would no longer have to die and/or starve as a result of senseless violence--was just sabotaged. All those years of doing things he never wanted to do (wartime violence) and being forced to leave his family to ensure they didn't all starve, all of it treated like some kind of joke. Like he didn't sacrifice years of his life and sanity to protect a people who were happy to call him a monster and watch him burn alive. The second part is the overt gaslighting and rewriting of Jeanne's personal history (and overall French public perception) for the sake of the King's political agenda. To call him a treasonous danger to the country when he was once lauded a hero. The third portion is the actual physical helplessness of being arrested, starved, and continuously maimed for no reason beyond pure malice. While it's never right to do that to any human being, this was done to a man who prided himself on his stalwart moral code. To abuse and torture him for something egregious that he would never do (at the risk of death) is just another slap in the face to everything he is and believes in.

I just feel like the context clarifies why that period of time would be the tipping point. His entire moral code and life’s work is being called into question and swept aside, as well as his agency? He believes very powerfully in a sense of right vs wrong, what's fair and what isn't fair. Somebody else deciding that for him--and deciding in a way that is openly unfair/incorrect--further makes him lose himself and his sense of reality. A person in that situation begins to doubt if they are good or bad. His belief in god all the more pressing; if he was a good person, why would fate bring him so much suffering? Honorable soldier or not, his blade has drawn so much blood...

People often reference his stilted social skills (and I am of the belief that he is on the autistic spectrum) as a reason why he is so "people-adverse" but tbh? I don't agree. His memories before the onset of this trauma reveal that he was actually a very warm person, and that people were more than willing to fight under his banner. He had friends, and he had comrades--his country loved him. He was the picture of well-meaning civic duty. Just because he doesn’t integrate smoothly into larger social groups or adapt well to socially shifting circumstances, doesn’t mean he just hates people lmao. When people give him the space to exist within his comfort zone and don’t take advantage of him, he thrives. Compounded by that, we also have his actions in the present to further prove what is true and what isn't.

While he is stern with the orphan boy (I'm sorry I can't remember his name, damn it) there is no malice or cruelty in what he has to say. He doesn't punish the kid or do anything out of line. It may not be fair in terms of the adult level of discretion he asks of him, but the kid also didn't have a lot of options realistically speaking lmao. Same thing with MC, she and the orphan boy are nearly identical in how Jeanne treats them. He's a little rough, but the route reveals that his intentions are just a reflection of what he's been through. He truly believes that if a person isn't strong, they won't survive--because his entire life was a series of trying to be strong/reliable because nobody else would. There was nobody to protect him, and nobody to care for him went things went south. It was him and his sword against the world, and even his exceptional skill as a fighter did not protect him from the Inquisition's arbitrary torture. He has lived in a world where good acts can become absolutely meaningless, where following rules and helping people still gets you slaughtered. That's going to take a considerable toll on his mental health: where do you find the will to go on when the next second of your life could mean the devastation of everything that matters to you?

Spoilers: you don't. Or if you do, every minute of the day is a fight to stay alive. That is the point at which we meet Jeanne. Caught in the hellish whirlpool of wanting more, wanting better--but being terrified of the cost. The cost of hoping, only for his entire world to go up in flames again. It's not a small thing, in my view.

If you have any doubts as to whether or not that is the case, I direct you to literally every singular instance in which Jeanne's emotional sensibility goes visibly dark/south. When do these instances happen? When it rains, for one. And when Shakespeare deliberately starts pressing on his sensitivities: about the soldiers he was forced to kill, about the nation that spurned him, how he's truly "wicked" at heart and doesn't deserve to be happy--seconds before flames erupt for the festival. Does that really sound coincidental? I mean lmao. The rain is a painful reminder, but MC transforms that memory into something a little lighter with her bet. He has nothing to lose in her game, all she does is ask for time with him or offers him something if she loses. There's a playfulness there, a restoration of agency and ease that's invaluable to his recovery.

As for Shakespeare's deliberate retraumatization...I can't even begin to explain how damaging that event was. Shakespeare is undermining Jeanne's agency in that he--not unlike the corrupt monarch of Jeanne's era--is twisting Jeanne's beliefs to work against him. He knows full well that Jeanne doesn't feel like he deserves somebody so bright and understanding (we need to remember it's not really a luxury he's had much in life, especially after the war ended). He knows Jeanne has a tendency to impose that strict moral code on himself even more than he does on others. To reaffirm his every worst fear and lurking terror only throws Jeanne into a vicious downspiral. Jeanne doesn't reject MC out of disgust or hate. He rejects her because he literally cannot handle the concept of trying to be happy again, or of burdening her with his constant struggle to move on while he’s in the middle of a bad episode. He knows he won’t be able to stop reliving the past, that every second of his life and breath will be colored by his gruesome memories. He's trying as hard as he can to keep the intrusive thoughts quiet, to move on. But I'm not going to lie to any of you, that is incredibly difficult to do alone.

The next obvious question is, well why can't the other men help him? This isn't to say that they can't--we see how much solace Jeanne finds in Napoleon and Mozart. Even Isaac is gentle with the veteran. But there are limits to how much they can do. Napoleon is struggling with his own wartime trauma, and it's not identical to Jeanne's. Plus there’s a distinct difference in their sensibilities? Napoleon is the type to habitually seek comfort in helping others when he can't help himself, he's not as in tune with answering his own personal feelings and regulating them. (I mean just look at his new ES: he knows what he wants, but it takes a nudge from Isaac for him to go through with it.) He’s very communally reliant in ways Jeanne isn’t; Jeanne is a very private person, and typically prefers one on one from what I can tell.

Mozart is the definition of repression, and if you look at their interactions it's usually Jeanne that's smoothing over Mozart's rough edges. Mozart says as much himself: that he feels like a rotten friend because he knew Jeanne was struggling with a lot of intense trauma, but he didn't know how to unravel it without hurting him in the process. Mozart calls it personal cowardice, but honestly I just feel like they both had too much going on to be able to help each other effectively. (And Jeanne expresses this sentiment too? This idea that he's not angry with Mozart? He knows they're both carrying a lot, he's just touched Mozart cares about him in return.)

Okay, briefly unrelated, but like. Am I the only one that wheezes uncontrollably when Mozart is like "?????? Idk what it is about MC...I don't want her to be scared of me..." in his own main story in the baths. And Jeanne. IS TRYING SO HARD. NOT TO SPILL THE BEANS ABOUT HIM O B V I O U S L Y BEING IN LOVE. THE HILARITY I CAN'T DO THIS. Jeanne was like "yeah....yeah that's rough buddy.......[screams internally, give your boy time Jeanne he's fragile]"

Honestly? That's the thing about Jeanne too--he has incredible self-awareness and hyperarousal-related (I mean the PTSD kind, get your head out of the gutter) awareness to the people around him. He's very, very conscious of the fact that he is surrounded by geniuses when he can't even write his own name. Just because he has the fortitude not to lash out with his insecurities, doesn't mean he never feels stupid or inferior. And it doesn't help when there are people in the mansion who call him--a fucking war veteran from 500 YEARS AGO--nAiVe. He's not naive lmao. He just doesn't know how the world works so many years later, and it's a ridiculously steep learning curve? Leonardo and Comte are nearly 500 years old, but they lived throughout every hour of that time in a linear fashion. It is a big deal to be moved from 1430 to 1890 in the span of a second asynchronously, and then be expected to function without a hitch??? Given the circumstances he adapts well.

That atmosphere--this constant impatience with what he doesn’t understand, his inability to be caught up to speed quickly--is going to hinder his recovery lmao. He feels like a burden most of the time, and agency and freedom are crucial.

Another thing that occurs to me about the mansion's arrangement is that there is a power dynamic, just as any space with people in it has some level of hierarchy (unless you live with miraculously chill people). Jeanne is acutely aware that Comte is the most powerful being in that space, and he is not only hatefully angry at him--but likely afraid too. We have to remember that the biggest betrayal he witnessed in his life was at the hands of a monarch; it was the aristocracy that turned on him and erased the truth. Comte is openly a child that resulted from both that era and that type of lineage, I don't really blame Jeanne for being wary. He intimately knows how willing rich people are to throw normal folks under the bus to suit their ambitions/whims. Comte, while not deliberately threatening, also seems to be painfully aware of this impression he gives off. His "chad persona" as I've mentioned allows him to navigate his life in secret by necessity, but it’s actively damaging to his son. He can't reveal the truth because of Vlad's betrayal, and he's openly unsettled by what it could mean to be honest. Will they wonder about Vlad and find themselves ensnared under his mind control as Charles and Shakespeare are? Will Comte himself be subjected to the mortifying ordeal of being known only to lose them?? That's a risk he isn't willing to take--and that leaves him in a double bind.

What is it that they say, the truth will set you free? This is where MC and Comte come into enormous play when it comes to Jeanne's recovery. One thing to keep in mind is that most of the people in the mansion have their own traumas they're trying to carry, and I feel like a lot of them are unsure how to approach Jeanne. Or if they do, he's very guarded. It takes a lot of consistent effort to get through to him. What does MC do when Jeanne unleashes his harsh worldview on her? She's understandably frightened, but Jeanne isn't malicious (so she chases him around). In fact, he openly avoids and runs away from her--well aware that what he's done is wrong. If anything, he did it on purpose, bringing us right back to Shakespeare's verbal undoing; why does Jeanne attack her in the first place?

LMAO. He attacks her because she essentially says "oh thanks for helping me!" "I am not nice. Watch yourself." "But you seem like a nice guy to me?" "REEEEEE" Does the pattern become a little clearer? When people think kindly of him, his instinct is to shatter that illusion with an impulsive reprehensible act. When people think poorly of him or lash out, what does he do? When that orphan boy starts yelling and screaming, Jeanne is nothing but calm. He explains the situation, and offers the kid a choice, perfectly happy to be the bearer of bad news. This operates on many levels I’m sure, but I have a feeling it has something to do with him being hailed a saint and a war hero only to be tortured and branded a monstrosity (and he probably thinks being a vampire is doubly monstrous). He’s more comfortable being hated because he feels it’s what he deserves in a lot of ways.

Jeanne has a lot of internalized self-hatred because of what he's done, and because of how much harm was inflicted on him outside of his control (he's Catholic and he was tortured, come on this writes itself). If I'm honest, I think that's actually the greater part of why he hates Comte lmao. Comte refuses the very concept of being cruel no matter how much Jeanne lashes out. Sure he lectures him and scolds him, but he never actively limits what's important to him or controls or harms him. Comte fully realizes the tragedy of how Jeanne's life was used by a nation in dire straits, and knows he needs time and acceptance to heal. No matter how dismal or unhappy, Comte doesn't stop--he fully believes Jeanne should have time in his life where he can really live for himself for once. But therein lies the issue, Jeanne doesn't know how to live for himself.

Which brings me to how MC and Comte "heal" Jeanne. I feel like they give him the space he needs to recover, and that's what results in his gentled temperament and happiness. Remember that so much of his main story is MC endlessly chasing after Jeanne. No amounts of his hissing or running or threatening stops her. Even if his refusals are empty of real dislike, they're enough to deter most people. Not MC. She's able to see through to the depths of who he is, and doesn't just use him for her own ends? She actively seeks to teach him (to read and write) to help him settle better in this era, she actively tries to ease his distaste for rain with a well-meaning bet, and she never gives up on him. (Actions mean so much more to him than words in general too, tbh...). Love is more easily defined by work and effort than it is by attraction.

When he has his episode at the festival, sure she's rattled; but that's because she truly believed that he didn't want to be around her anymore. When she notices he really doesn’t want to be followed, she stops like any normal person would. It’s only when she reads his notebook and sees the truth for herself (that he’s given up despite having the same feelings for her) that her determination is rekindled. She doesn't approach him fearfully, doesn't treat him like he's made of glass either. She just wants him as he is--accepts and loves him as he is. Scarred, bloody, exhausted, abrasive, terrified. She doesn't define him by how easy he is to love. That is a huge issue with traumatized people lmao. Because of their maturity, people always just assume they don't need help, or they rely on them to an extent that isn't sustainable. The second they reveal need or that they struggle, people walk away or victim blame them because it’s easier than taking them seriously.

While MC's attempts may be a little more obvious (cherishing his lily field, wearing the hair pin he gave her, careful about his gruesome injury, really listens when he talks about the horrors of his life and accepts that he experienced a level of agony/terror she can never understand, tries to express her feelings no matter his evasion) I think it's also important to consider Comte's large scale effort. I don't say this to undermine MC, I say it because Jeanne's life was defined by a complete lack of security. He left his parents to make their lives easier, he lived in a war that meant life or death any second, and his country's leader branded him a traitor which lead to his endless torture and public execution. Jeanne does not know a life in which safety is the norm. Point blank. He does not understanding going outside and not expecting the worst anymore.

Comte not only understands that level of despair, but treats it with dignity and respect. He fully accepts being hated if it means Jeanne can use that hatred to live on and find a way to heal. And most importantly, when Jeanne begins to move forward with MC and Mozart's help, Comte never once holds it against Jeanne when the truth is revealed. He's not angry, this isn't about reprisal or reparations or revenge. It's just love.

Jeanne doesn't really have a concept of this? His entire life was mostly transactional, defined by strength and efficiency. Nobody gives a damn about your feelings. You either hurl yourself at the problem or die. Nobody is going to help you or carry you or save you. While he may have had a little more support while he was in the military from his fellow soldiers, that support system was ripped away from him during the Inquisition.

One very common sentiment regarding elongated imprisonment and torture is that survival occurs in pairs. It is an undeniable fact that people need others to survive. It is the nature of who we are. Individualism has never proven to be successful, or if it is, its dividends are astronomically minimal when compared to people working together.

What does it mean to be the most reliable, steady person in the room? Usually it just means you don't know how to ask for help when you are no longer capable of maintaining that stance. Napoleon is guilty of it. Leonardo, Comte, and Jeanne all are too. It's part of why MC and Comte's capacity to see what he needs and provide as much as they can is such a big deal. That sort of consistent support (without a constant necessity to beg for help) allows Jeanne to be able to re-integrate into his new reality and find joy. Even if his nightmares and memories never go away, they are now being actively overrun by positive experiences. That's the thing about recovery, really--it tends to be more about drowning out the negative as much as possible and coming to terms with it, than it is about forgetting or never feeling it again. It’s about softening the sharp edges of pain like sea glass.

So is MC magical and randomly got Jeanne to open up? Nah, I don't think so. I think it was a series of persistence and real acceptance of who he is that made him warm up. People really seem to underestimate how deeply affecting understanding is, but that's how damage is undone. Jeanne can't really linger on the idea of his own monstrousness, his unworthiness, a lifetime of misery, when the person in front of him actively listens and cares about him. Makes him laugh and smile and lose himself in warmth for the first time.

If I'm honest, I feel like people also just...underestimate the level of traumatic resurgence that's perpetuated and inflicted by society’s standards in general lmao. This rhetorical structure in which good and bad exist in moral extremes, this idea that people should be able to recover and never experience relapses or periods of sensitivity. The refusal to radically listen to people and their problems, and make active attempts--not matter how small--to mend/ease those hurt feelings. Granted there will always be people in the world who do not want to improve, but I feel like most people want to. It's hopelessness, silence, and stigmatization that remain the true enemies of traumatized/mentally ill people everywhere. And among that population are always war veterans...

[the-bau-quinjet]

Sore

I don’t love what this idea turned into, because it was supposed to be lighthearted, but it really spiraled. I will say, I like the ending.

Summary: Reader breaks down after a tough case. Spencer is there to help. 

Warnings: mentions on child abuse, domestic abuse, sexual assault, unhealthy coping mechanisms, therapy

Word Count: 2930

She didn’t mean to overdo it, but sometimes it’s inevitable. It’s her only escape.

 The team just finished up a domestic violence cult case in Laramie, Wyoming. It took six days for them to even realize the cult aspect, having been trying to connect the victims to one offender. The case was draining for everyone, but especially for her.

Everyone in the BAU has some kind of past trauma. Nobody randomly decides to do this kind of work for a living without some significant inspiration. Over her time in the BAU, Y/N has come to learn about these traumas and how they’ve shaped the people around her. She has yet to share hers though. Not because she doesn’t trust them, but rather because she only ever talks about it to her therapist. She’s made significant progress in coping with her trauma, but she hasn’t worked through it enough to bring it up herself.

 Of course, keeping it bottled up doesn’t work so she found a way to relieve the stress. Exercise. It’s never been a problem before now. She’s never overdone it before. If a case has her thinking about it, or she’s having a particularly bad day, she’ll do a HIIT or fully body workout until she’s tired enough that her brain shuts off.

 Her therapist is working with her to limit the bad days. Honestly, since joining the BAU her bad days have been rather infrequent. There’s just too much else to worry about for her to think about her own problems.

 But this case hit too close to home. Every new victim and every new piece of evidence reminded Y/N of what it was like growing up with abusive parents. She went into foster care at 15. Three years later, she went to college and did everything in her power to forget it.

 But history has a way of repeating itself. Her college boyfriend hurt her. It started small. He grew controlling, accused her of cheating, and then tried to beat the “truth” out of her. She finally left him, only to wind up with another guy who wouldn’t take no as an answer. So she stopped dating. She threw herself into her work, trying to rid the world of men like those of her past. That’s what lead her to the BAU.

 The group of profilers on the jet could all tell something was off, but Y/N isn’t one to be pushed into opening up. They know she’ll come to them when she’s ready to talk about it. Whatever “it” is. So, rather than poking and prodding, each member shows they are there for her in their own way.

 Derek and Emily each give her a hug before departing, something reserved for after especially difficult cases. Rossi squeezes her shoulder, much how she would imagine a loving parent to. JJ offers a kind smile, the one that always brings you joy, and reassuring eyes before heading out for the day. Hotch gives her less paperwork than everyone else. Penelope sends her extra videos of cute animals to lift her spirits. And Spencer stays by her side for the entire flight. Normally, Spencer would sprawl out on the sofa to catch up on the sleep he always lacks. Instead, he sits beside Y/N and offers her the blanket he typically uses, calming her nerves with the gentle swishing of pages being turned in his book of the hour.

 With everything on her mind, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She should call her therapist, but they aren’t landing until 9:30 pm and she knows Dr. Robbins has a family of her own. So, she treats it like she used to treat a bad day. She finds a workout to do, and puts every last ounce of energy into the different exercises.

 Only, it doesn’t work like it used to. After completing the nearly hour long workout, her mind is still whirring with the pictures from the evidence board. Every time she closes her eyes she sees her father’s face, and hears his drunken yelling. Her mother in the background, unbothered because she only had Y/N so he would have a new punching bag.

 So, she finds another workout. And then another. And then another. After three more hours, she’s finally exhausted her brain into tuning out the memories long enough for her to sleep.

 She sleeps for most of Saturday, waking only long enough to shower and eat dinner. Sunday morning, the memories are back. So, she’s back to working out.

She knows in her head that it isn’t healthy, but the logical part of her brain isn’t exactly functioning at its highest level. All she’s focused on is making the pain go away. If turning the emotional pain into physical pain is what it takes, then so be it. She’d rather have the aching muscles.

 All of that, lead her to now. It’s Monday morning and she can barely walk like a normal person. Every step requires more energy than the last. Hell, she can’t even sit down without falling into the chair.

 The elevator doors spring open, revealing the glass doors that lead to the BAU bullpen. She walks in as best she can, tossing her bag on her desk with a dull thud. Of course, she’s later than normal and so Spencer and Morgan are sitting at their desks, watching as she throws herself into her chair.

 “Hi Y/N…” Spencer trails off when he sees the bags under her eyes and notices her stiff posture. “Um, are you alright?” Spencer’s puppy like concern warms her heart.

 “Yeah, I’m fine. I just did a little too much at the gym this weekend is all. I’ll be fine in a few days.” She tries to hide the underlying emotional stress behind why she did too much. Morgan can tell she’s hiding something though, even if he is way off base about what it is.

 “Yeah, the gym.” Morgan snorts his response, cutting Spencer off before he could start rambling about how to combat the negative effects of too much exercise and simultaneously drawing the attention of Emily and JJ who were reentering the bullpen after getting coffee.

 “What’s that supposed to mean?” JJ questions before Y/N can defend herself.

 “Little mama over here is sore from too much time at ‘the gym’.” It’s clear to her, and nearly everyone else in the room, that Morgan thinks she is sore from being absolutely railed. Suddenly all eyes are on her. It’s just too much for her to take. The combination of mental and physical exhaustion crossed with not wanting to talk about it causes her to break.

 She’s not sure what thought process her brain is following when she replies. Actually, she’s pretty confident her brain isn’t functioning at all when she starts speaking. Her words are painfully quiet, lacking the typical edge one would expect from someone so mentally and physically exhausted. She sounds broken. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I was in the gym for four hours Friday night and seven more yesterday, so excuse me if I’m a little bit stiff. It’s hard to work in time to stretch afterward when you’ve finally exhausted yourself enough to sleep without having to worry about remembering-.” With tears in her eyes, she cuts herself off, pushes herself from her chair, and starts the walk toward Hotch’s office, stopping to whisper her gratitude to Reid. “Spence, thank you for checking in on me.”

 Morgan, JJ, Prentiss, and Reid share confused glances as she opens and closes the door to Hotch’s office without even knocking.

 “Hotch, I think I need to go home. I- I need to talk to someone and I can’t do that if I’m here.” She manages to mutter out the words without fully breaking down, but Hotch can still clearly see something is wrong.

 “If that’s what you need to do, please go ahead. I just want you to know that we’re here for you too. You’ve been part of this team for a little over two years now. None of us want you to feel like you have to keep it all to yourself. Unfortunately nightmares come with the job, but I want you to know we all-” He stops talking as the tears begin to stream down her face. Rising from his seat, he walks around his desk to offer her support.

 Without even sparing it a second thought, Y/N collapses into his arms. She’s too exhausted to hide her emotions anymore. It’s all become too much.

 “I just can’t keep it in anymore. I feel like I’m hiding a piece of me from all of you, and I just don’t want to anymore.” It’s not exactly how she pictured letting it all out, but it makes sense. She’s hit a wall and there’s no way forwards but through.

 “Shh, it’s okay. What do you need?” Hotch is protective over his entire team, but something about Y/N makes him feel like an older brother. Like it’s his job to protect her from anything and everything he can.

 “I just want to go home. I need a break from remembering it all.” Hotch nods in understanding, reaching for his coat.

 “I’ll take you now.”

 “Actually, can Spencer take me? I want to tell him first. And can you tell Morgan I’m sorry? It wasn’t fair to say that. He didn’t know.” Hotch guides her out of his office, promising that Morgan wouldn’t hold it against her.

 “Reid, take L/N home.” Spencer nods in understanding, already reaching for Y/N’s keys since he takes the metro.

 It feels like hours have gone by, but it couldn’t have been more than 30 minutes before Spencer was sitting next to her on her couch in her apartment. They didn’t talk at all on the drive. Tears were still falling down her cheeks, but at a much less alarming rate.

 “You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to. We can just sit here.” Spencer has never felt less equipped to handle a situation. His years of learning everything there is to know haven’t prepared him for seeing the one person he cares about more than anyone else in the world so broken.

 “No. I- I want to tell you. But I need you to do me a favor afterward.” She sniffles, slowly looking into his eyes.

 “I’ll do anything you need me to.” His words are so sincere, it almost brings about another round of sobs.

 “After I tell you, I need you to tell everyone else. I just know I won’t be able to force myself to relive it more than once, so if I tell you, then you can tell everyone else because-”

 “I’ll remember exactly what you say.” He nods to himself, thinking she picked him for his memory rather than because of any potential feelings.

 “Well, yeah. But, also I wanted you to hear it from me. I wanted to tell you because I couldn’t bear the thought of you hearing it from anyone else. I wanted to look into your eyes when I say it all for the first time without being with my therapist because I know you will still look at me the same way afterward. You won’t treat me any different because you know what it’s like to feel like the baby of the group and as much as everyone else cares, with you it’s different. I just know you’ll understand what I need in a way nobody else will because you’ve always been able to read me, even when I tried to hide it.” She manages a weak smile in his direction, taking a deep breath to prevent anymore ramblings.

 “I don’t… I don’t know what to say. I- thank you for trusting me enough to be here for you.” For the first time since meeting Y/N, Spencer feels like she might feel the same way about him that he feels about her. Of course, now isn’t the time to act on it, but it still fills him with a confidence he would have otherwise been lacking.

 Before she starts talking again, Y/N reaches for Spencer’s hand. An action he would quickly come to understand is a big deal for her.

 “As far back as I can remember, I never had anyone who cared about me. My dad, he would hit my mom. When she got pregnant, she saw it as a way out. He stopped hitting her because she told him once I was born, he would have his own personal punching bag, but I had to actually be born for that to happen. I don’t really know when he started hitting me. If I was an infant or a toddler or whatever. But it’s all I can remember of them.” Spencer begins rubbing circles into her hand with his thumb when he hears her breathing speed up.

 “It was like that until I managed to tell one of my teachers there was something wrong. I was fifteen when I was placed in foster care. I switched between homes until I went to college on scholarship.” Spencer does his best to provide comfort to you, but he can tell there’s more to the story.

 “Freshmen year of college a met a guy. We started dating, and I thought I found someone who cared, ya know? But, he started to get angry at the smallest things. He would lash out, break things. One day he started hitting me, forcing me to do things.” She takes a shaky breath before continuing. “I was more prepared this time though. I had a therapist I could call. She helped me work up the courage to leave him. But then right after graduating I met another guy and it all turned out the same.” Silent tears pour down her face as she continues.

 “I felt trapped. Like there was no way for me to escape the cycle. No matter what I did differently I kept meeting people who hurt me to deal with their own pain. I gave it all up, figured I’d never find people who would care about me. I focused on work, made it to the BAU. On bad days, I would work out until I was so tired I couldn’t remember my own name let alone the things they had done to me. Then when I met all of you, it felt too good to be true. There was this whole team of people who suddenly cared about me. It was hard at first, to accept that it was real. But you have to know I never thought any of you would hurt me, it was just in my head that I would never have this kind of familial bond with anyone.

 This last case, I don’t know what it was about it, but I couldn’t stop seeing the evidence boards. The faces of women who were passed around from man to man as objects to abuse. So, I fell back into my old habit. Only, it didn’t work like it used to so I just kept going and going until I could escape.” The tears slowed as she managed to get everything off her chest. All that could be heard in the room was her ragged breaths.

 “Y/N, I… I can’t imagine how difficult that was to share.” Spencer shifted closer to her, but not too close in case she didn’t want the touch.

 “I’ve always felt like the team- like you would understand. I’ve been working on it in therapy actually. Figuring out a way to tell you all, but I guess I hit the proverbial wall first...” She’s shaking her head as she looks at the floor.

 “Hey, none of that. I know self-deprecation when I see it, and I will not tolerate it from you.” His words carry a gentle conviction. “You are truly one of the most incredible people I’ve ever met. I’ve seen you take down unsubs three times your size with pure physical strength. I’ve also seen you talk an unsub down, saving countless lives without laying a hand on them. Never doubt that you are strong enough for this job, because you are one of the strongest people I know.”

 Spencer’s words bring tears to her eyes, but the happy kind this time. She throws her arms around him, snuggling as close as she can. Spencer, at first surprised by the contact, freezes. He quickly melts into her embrace, rubbing circles into her back until she falls asleep.

 Spencer manages to fill the team in via text, explaining enough that everyone understands what happened without having to go into too much detail. He helps her move to her bedroom, trying to prevent any more soreness. When she asks him to stay, he lays down by her side.

 The next morning she wakes up cuddled next to Spencer with several texts from her BAU family. Rossi invited everyone to his house for dinner, an offer she greatly appreciates.

 That night, the team shows her what it feels like to have a family over pasta and wine, a classic combination. In the future, they’ll continue to show her what family really is.

 Spencer will show her what it feels like to be in a healthy relationship. He’ll show her how it feels to be loved without living in constant fear. She’ll show him what it means to be loved for who you are.

 They’ll show each other what it means to be happy.

  tag list:

@mac99martin​

[skitter-kitter]

Fic Masterlist

Most of my fics are listed here for the sake of organization! (Last updated 7/3/21)

MCYT 

New Beginnings

Technoblade (the streamer) is sent into the Dream SMP, and must rely on Dream to survive in this new world. (Set during Tommy’s Exile!) Lots of angst and codependency! There are currently four parts out of this series.

MimicVerse Knockoffs

A series of stories inspired by Subl1m1nals own series Mimic Verse, wherein an evil version of Technoblade takes his counterparts place. Tommy is the only one who notices Techno’s change in personality, and tries to prove to the rest of their friends that this is not their Technoblade. (Set outside of the Dream SMP!) Lots of angst and hurt/comfort from Subl1m1nal, and a ton of angst and pain from my series.

i will be changing soon

An SCP AU based on the Sleepy Bois Inc. Family Dynamic! Centered on Techno! A fair amount of angst and violence.

certain things will never go back to how they used to be

A fic based around Sam, Quackity, and Dream’s mentality during the first day of Quackity torturing Dream. Angst, with some blood and violence. 

phantom home

A character study based around Sam and his relationship with Las Nevadas and Pandora’s Vault. Lots of angst, and some pseudo-fluff.

bodies in the basement

A Sam-centric character study based around his torture of Ponk, Tommy’s death, and his relationship with Quackity. Angst, blood and violence! Read the tags!

refuge

A Quackity-centric fic about 3 times Sam helped Quackity and one time Quackity helped Sam. Lots of angst and violence, but with a happy ending!

indulging in you

A soulmate AU based around Schlatt and Quackity, and the impact that their soulmarks have had on one another. Angst and a character study! 

One Day (One Hour)

A Schlatt-centric fic about Schlatt being stuck in a time loop after his death. Lots of angst and manipulation from Schlatt!

the greatest sacrifice

A character study of Skeppy during his day trapped in the Egg, and what caused him to turn so apathetic toward everything he used to love. Angst, hurt no comfort!

A Single Orange Rose

A Fundy-centric fic based around Fundy and Dream’s marriage. Angst with a healthy dose of unhealthy relationships!

our home in hell

A fun fic based around Technoblade and Quackity both being raised in an illegal hybrid fighting ring. Lots of fluff, (because I lost motivation to write the chapter where the angst starts up) but a lot of violence and children getting hurt.

convalescence

A Tommy-centric fic based around five times Tommy got hurt, and the one time someone helped him. A lot of angst with some comfort at the end!

our patchwork family

A fic based on egare’s ( @elpalaccio ) chaos, she politely knocked, based on the mystery of where Tommy was staying while Quackity was dealing with Technoblade. This is a mix of a Tommy and Sam character study, with some angst and humor thrown in!

pawn to e8

A fic based on egare’s ( @elpalaccio ) chaos, she politely knocked, wherein Quackity is a shapeshifter and after the failed execution he is forcibly recruited by Dream. The original has a lot of angst and found family, and my fic carries the angst train by giving Quackity’s POV of his breakdown in chapter 11.

Best Friend

A Glatt-centric fic based around the idea that he’s forgotten his life before death, but unlike Ghostbur he is not remembered for the “good” he did in life. Lots of heavy angst!

evolution of the smartest

A Pokemon AU that centers around Technoblade and his journey to becoming champion! 

in my heart, in my hand

A Sapnap-centric fic wherein Quackity has been dead since Technoblade’s execution. Lots of angst and grief and major character death!

open arms

A fun cracky fic based around “what if Quackity proposed to all his enemies (and friends) and they had family reunions every few months”. Tons of fluff and fun! Oh also some Fundy angst lol

you could be happy

A Hogwarts AU that centers around Technoblade, a mis-sorted Hufflepuff, and Dream, a Slytherin, and their quest to find a spell to control others. Angst, with a character getting caught in a blizzard!

three of a kind

A fic inspired by dappledleave’s healing: achieved underground, a Quackity-centric fic based around his time in Pogtopia! Since it’s all Quackity’s POV I decided to do a character study for Schlatt, George, and Fundy from healing. Just some general angst!

your worst fears come true

A Sam-centric fic based around Wilbur’s revival, and Sam’s hesitation to kill the intruder at the time. An exploration of what would happen if Tommy died a second time in Pandora’s Vault. Lots of angst and completely canon divergent.

Love and Loss

A fic based around the theory that Sir Billiam III and Sheriff Sherman Thompson are brothers, and that John John is the Butler! Some fluff and some angst, plus some canonical major character death!

Badlands!Techno

A Techno-centric AU series where Technoblade joined the Badlands after the Red Festival! Mild angst!

heart and soul

A study of Techno’s relationship with the staff of Hypixel. Fluff and found family!

Star Wars

Domir

A fun peek into a “Maul trains Ezra” AU! Lots of angst and canon divergence!

Family Reunion

An AU wherein the Bridger’s take refuge with the Rebellion, after they believe their son has died. After fifteen years, they reunite with their son, who has become Maul’s apprentice in their absence. Lots of angst and feels!

a better version

A canon divergence of the “Visions and Voices” episode wherein Ezra manages to convince Maul to help him save Kanan and Sabine. Lots of angst and canon divergence!

our final night alive

A character study about Maul and Savage and brotherhood. Lots of angst, as is typical with these two.

nobody to love

An AU where during "Visions and Voices” Maul sees Savage’s ghost among the Nightsisters. Fairly short, but lots of angst.

fantasies of a better future

A fic inspired by @doorsclosingslowly​ ‘s fic Your death is a number but I cannot count that high which is a Savage Lived AU on angst steroids. My fic is an imagining of the reunion between Savage and Maul, before said scene was written! Lots of angst, as per usual.

acidic words

A fic about Dathomirian’s tattoos and how their meanings change in a world filled with soulmate-identifying marks. Some angst!

keep breathing

An AU wherein Ezra is found by the Inquisitors at a young age. Some fluff and angst, and a surprising amount of found family content!

legacy of kings

A fic based around the Haunted Dark Saber Theory (anyone who uses the Dark Saber can see/is possessed by the past users) wherein Maul becomes the Mand’alor, fights his former master, and loses his brother, all in a matter of hours. Mild angst.

standing on forgotten memories

An outsider POV of a Maul getting de-aged fic. Some angst and some vague mentions of Maul’s childhood.

the most honorable thing

A fic about Maul finding his way to the World Between Worlds, and saving his brother. Some angst with a happy ending!

Cardooine Chills

A sickfic with Savage taking care of Maul. Some angst and hurt/comfort.

Marble Hornets

heresy of heresies

Tim timetravels back to his childhood. Angst.

squeeze you empty

An Alex Lives AU wherein Liu Woods finds him in Rosswood Park. Blood, injury, and angst.

handfuls of dust

A sequel to squeeze you empty wherein Masky reunites with Alex. Angst.

who controls the past controls the future

Alex is stuck in a time loop based around the day Tim kills him. Angst and violence.

hold me close

A platonic soulmates AU. Lots of angst.

a smile, a hug

A fic about Masky being the Dad of Slender Manor.

flowers blooming, lungs aflame

Hanahaki Disease is a symptom of Slender Sickness. Angst.

a flare in the night

A fire starts in Slender Manor. Some mild angst.

Creepypasta

time heals no wounds

A fic about Sally and playing with the “a traitor in Slendermansion” trope. Lots of angst.

Harry Potter

just send me home

An AU wherein Harry is a seer working for Voldemort. Lots of angst and violence. Read the tags.

Warriors

Buteo Jamaicensis

A Hawkfrost character study. Heavy angst and hurt no comfort.

hand in unlovable hand

An AU of Into The Wild wherein Firepaw loses to Brokenstar, and is held captive by the Shadowclan leader. The fic is set many, many moons later and deals with the consequences of Firepaw being missing during that time. Lots of angst and major character death.

Déjà Vu

A fun Ashfur character study based around his time in Starclan and how he feels about Hollyleaf and Hawkfrost. Some angst and blood.

Pistanthrophobia

A fic about Hawkfrost being chosen for the New Prophecy quest instead of Brambleclaw. Lots of angst with a sprinkling of Riverclan loving Hawkfrost.

omitted from history

A fic about Feathertail meeting the original founders of the Clans. Some angst and fluff.

Tangled: The Series

Factory Reset

A fic about Varian getting his memory wiped during “Rapunzel’s Return”. Lots of angst.

Weeping Angels

A fic wherein Varian gets trapped in the amber instead of Quirin, and Quirin goes on a quest to the Dark Kingdom to free his son. Angst and emotional hurt no comfort.

love languages

A fic co-authored by my friend i_am_not_a_bird about the soulmarks of Rapunzel, Cassandra, Varian, Eugene, and all of the Brotherhood! Lots of angst, as per usual!

Axiom of Maria

A fic wherein I finally got Moonstone!Cassandra and Varian to team up against Rapunzel after four months of planning. Some angst, but mainly it’s a character study.

Gravity Falls

It’s Called: Freefall

A fic based around a Bill Wins AU, and a Dipper from that universe timetraveling back. Hopefully, to fix things. Lots of angst and violence, some character death.

burn you right up

A fic inspired by Child_OTKW’s Broken and Lost, a fic about Reverse Falls and how Weirdmageddon went in their universe. My fic was my own imagining of their childhood before the fic happened. Lots of angst and unhealthy relationships.

Heathers

Missing: Heather Chandler

A fic inspired by cipherdoodle’s The Ballad of Heather Chandler, my fic is set directly after Heather and JD go on the run and their resulting conversations. Lots of angst.

36 Questions

fondness is just another word for regret

A character study about Jase’s thought process during the two-year time skip. Mild angst.

Pokémon Mystery Dungeon

i’ll be by your side (even in death)

A character study about the relationship between the Player and Partner Pokémon after the Player’s “death”. Some angst and hurt/comfort and complicated relationships.

[thinkingisadangerouspastime]

family/gyatso

Written for Day 2 of @aangweek! Read here on AO3.

~*~

2. family/gyatso - live like there’s no tomorrow (‘cause all we have is here, right now) / love like it’s all that we know (the only chance that we ever found)

“Hey, Zuko,” Katara said as she gently pushed Mai’s bangs out of her sweat-ridden forehead, “can you step outside with Izumi for a moment? I’m going to heal Mai up a bit, but I’ll need it as quiet as possible to concentrate.”

Zuko nodded, panicked tears of relief still trickling down his face. “Right. Yes. I can - I can do that.”

Katara showed Zuko how to cradle the baby, shooting Aang a look over the firebender’s shoulder that said keep him distracted while she did so. Aang gave her a discreet nod before following Zuko out the room. He snagged a tissue from a table on his way - Aang had no doubt his friend would need it.

Mai’s labor had been unexpected. Early.

Dangerous.

It was sheer luck he and Katara were still in the Fire Nation. They were supposed to have left earlier that day - well, yesterday at this point - but had ultimately chosen to stay another night because of a bad thunderstorm rolling in. He and his wife were master waterbenders, yes, but that didn’t mean Aang would feel right forcing Appa to fly through such miserable, risky weather. So they’d stayed, and it was a good thing they had.

Without Katara’s healing abilities…

Aang didn’t want to think about what might have happened to the new mother and child if Katara hadn’t been there. He couldn’t begin to imagine how Zuko was feeling.

Aang closed the door behind him, joining his friend on a small, gold-adorned bench not far from the room they exited from. He left about a foot of space between them when he sat, and he watched Zuko cradle Izumi ever closer to his chest. The baby appeared so tiny and fragile and even sickly, yet all the same…

“She’s beautiful,” Aang murmured. He smiled down at Izumi, who was now sound asleep. Her first cry had been loud and healthy, much to everyone’s relief. Not all premature babies were so lucky. “She’s going to look so much like Mai, isn’t she?”

Zuko laughed, though the sound was still wet with tears. “Tell me about it.” He took a shuddering breath, and Aang offered him the tissue. Zuko accepted it, wiping his face before returning his hand beneath Izumi to support the newborn with both arms once more. “Better than her looking like me.”

Aang frowned, unsure what had provoked that particular line of thought from his friend. “What do you mean?”

Zuko shrugged, careful not to disturb Izumi. “My family’s genes are all but cursed.” He brushed his daughter’s dark hair out of her face. “Better for her not to bear that burden.”

Aang stared at his friend, probably more flabbergasted than he needed to be. He supposed his reaction could be attributed to the early hours of the morning. That and the fragile, weary relief still hanging over all four - five - of them. “Are you kidding me right now?” he at last managed to say.

Zuko gave him a dubious look, which was at least better than the terror that had been so prominent in his eyes only minutes earlier. “Aang. You know my family’s history.” He laughed. Tired. Bitter. “Can you blame me for wanting to spare her that?”

Aang hesitated. “Zuko… that’s not your legacy.” Confusion permeated his voice. “I mean, it’s part of it, yes, but… but that’s it. A part. Part of your family. Part of your history. Not the whole.” He paused before adding, “You… know there’s more to you and your decisions and - and what you leave behind than the choices your blood relatives made.”

Didn’t he?

Zuko frowned, carefully shifting Izumi in his arms. “The percentage doesn’t matter. They’re still my family and my mistakes to own.”

Aang pursed his lips. Zuko wasn’t wrong, per se, but… He was missing something. Even after so many years, he was still missing it. In all fairness to his friend, Aang supposed old, indoctrinated mentalities could be difficult to revise. “Zuko,” he continued after a beat had passed between them, “how do you define a family?”

Zuko raised an eyebrow at him. “Is this a trick question?”

It seemed Aang was transparent. He shrugged. “Maybe. But I won’t judge you when you get it wrong.”

Zuko snorted. “‘When.’ Your faith in me is comforting.” He slowly rocked Izumi. “Parents, I guess. Children. Grandparents. Aunts and uncles. Siblings.”

Not wrong. But not fully right, either. As expected.

Aang chuckled. “Then I guess I didn’t have a family.” He held up a hand before Zuko could speak, the panic written across his friend’s face causing him to bite back a louder laugh. “I didn’t live with my parents. If I had siblings, I didn’t know who they were.” He shrugged. “Guess my childhood was miserable and lonely.”

Zuko sighed, rolling his eyes. “Alright. I can tell you’re readying up some Avatar wisdom. Hit me with it. End my suffering.”

Aang laughed again. “Not Avatar wisdom, actually.” He reached across to adjust the crimson blanket Izumi was swaddled in before smiling at Zuko. Perhaps his expression was tinged with sorrow. “Air Nomad.”

Zuko’s eyes widened, but his gaze soon softened. “Of course.” He offered Aang a sorrowful smile of his own. “Even better for me to learn from.”

“You’re not wrong, per se, about what a family is,” Aang began. He noticed how Zuko’s hair hung limp across his shoulders, remnants of anxious sweat causing it to stick to the sides of his face. “Families do involve your parents and your ancestors.” He stood, moving around the bench to stand behind Zuko. “Ozai. Sozin.” Aang pulled his friend’s hair back from his face, gently combing through tangles with his fingers. “Roku, too.”

Zuko relaxed into Aang’s touch, though he kept his daughter cradled firmly to his chest. “Are you trying to remind me that not everyone I’m descended from did horrible things?”

“Mm, you can draw your own conclusions there.” Aang’s nails lightly scraped Zuko’s scalp, and his friend shivered. “But like I said - that’s only part of what a family is. The rest of it?” A smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “They’re whoever you choose to welcome into your life.”

Zuko snorted. “I don’t think it’s that easy.”

“No?” Aang began coalescing Zuko’s hair into a low braid. “Monk Gyatso didn’t have to be related to me for him to be my family. I didn’t have to marry Katara for Sokka to start feeling like my brother.” He chuckled. “We had that relationship long before Katara and I were even dating.”

Aang finished his friend’s braid, tying it off with a ribbon he usually reserved for his wife. He spared Izumi another awestruck glance before sitting down next to Zuko once more. “And Iroh didn’t have to be your father to feel like your dad, did he?”

It was a question that required no answer. Zuko didn’t provide one, and Aang didn’t press him to, either.

“You’re not bound by the mistakes of your ancestors,” Aang continued, his voice soft, “and neither will your daughter be. Because family is everything more than the people you share a name with.” He hesitated. “Does that… make sense?”

There was a pause. Then Zuko exhaled slowly. “Yeah. It does.” He pressed a gentle kiss to Izumi’s forehead before offering his daughter to Aang. “Do you want to hold her?” A small smirk tugged at the corners of his lips. “Since you’re her family, too.”

“I suppose I am her great-great-grandfather,” Aang mused as he accepted the precious cargo, cradling her to his chest the way Katara had instructed Zuko.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

Aang laughed, though he never took his eyes off the delicate new life in his arms. “Yeah. I know.”

~*~

aang with kids makes me SOFT. i hope to see you for day 3 - avatar state/cycle! thank you for reading!

[princeanxious]

The Royal Librarian- Chapter 1

Chapter 1- “The Road to Perfection is Destructive.”

Fandom: Sanders Sides

Ships: Future analogical, future sidelines royality, sidelines established dukeceit, background remile

Word Count: a little over 3k

Warnings For This Chapter: Virgil’s got anxiety and is a bit self depricating, brief mentions of panic attacks, Virgil stays up and works himself for so much longer and harder than is healthy for a normal person in one session, boi highkey overthinks a ton when he’s not occupied. Don’t work yourself for 24 hours straight like Virge does, it’s not good for you.

Minor notes on Virgil’s mental state in this fic: Virgil has ADHD(as reflected by my own life experience) that shows up in different ways here and there, and he suffers from RSD(Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria) which drives Virgil’s need to be perfect or fail till he damn near collapses from exhaustion, which also just feeds into his chronic anxiety. Thats all for now!

Chapter one(you are here!)|Chapter two(coming soon!)

Bonus stuff:

-the Rough Library Layout

[[MORE]]

Quiet. Such a word was practically synonymous with Virgil’s existence. The young adult practically grew up in silence, sought quiet spaces out like a moth drawn to a flame. And like a deer spooked by a snapping branch, he often fled from loud groups larger than three. He had been a quiet child, content to lose himself in any book he could get his hands on, reading for hours in any quiet atmosphere he could find. Alone, and content because of it.

So it was really no surprise he picked up a local library apprenticeship when he’d turned fifteen, and was a well-versed and well-read librarian by age nineteen. He had his lifelong friend Patton to thank for making him apply alongside hundreds of others to the opening position of the Royal Astra Family’s castle Librarian position, a year later. And, to be fair? He’d only applied because he’d been sure his resume would never have been seen, let alone selected, if only to simply placate his best friend’s excited begging.

He didn’t account for Patton’s connections as the Royal Head Cook to shift that margine of possibility to reach at least being seen. Though Patton chalked it up to the fact that he’d always talked about Virgil around the royal family anyway, long before the position had needed a replacement. It seemed to be just Virgil’s luck that ‘Virgil’ just happened to be a very uncommon name.

The panic attack that followed after he received a letter that his resume had been selected alongside a select few others for further evaluation had been a rough one. Still, he held out hope that his perceived inexperienced youth would save him, the stress and responsibility of such a serious job couldn’t be trusted with some ambitious kid like him, could it?

And, besides, it’s not like Patton’s constant praises carried that much weight, right? That's just how Patton was, a personified ball of sunshine! It was why Virgil was never surprised to hear Patton mention the royal family and staff by name on accident, or mention a silly story involving them in private, he’d clearly become close to them as the Head Cook. Though, the more he thought about it, he realized that.. Well, it’s not like the royal family had known Patton as long as Virgil had. Patton could be too trusting, and tried to see good in everyone, and well, perhaps the royal family trusted his judge of character over just simple skills. And wasn’t it just peachy that Virgil was lifelong best friends with said ball of personified sunshine? (Not that he’d ever trade their friendship for the world, never. It was just Virgil’s problem that he could never seem to tell Patton no, huh?)

Eventually, a nerve wracking week passed before Virgil finally had his answer in the form of an acceptance letter hand-delivered and an accompanying uniform and granted permissions to traverse and move into the castle grounds, all ordered and signed by King Thomas himself.

Apparently, his suspicions over Patton’s influence had indeed won out.

Three days later, Virgil finds himself silently saying goodbye to the home he’d made on his own, not as terribly forlorn over the loss as he thought he’d be. The small cottage he’d been renting didn’t feel much like home to him, anyway, not like a library did. Still, there was a longing to hide from the large change crashing into his life, and thrice he’d hid under his covers and cursed his weak will against Patton’s puppy eye’d pout. Eventually though, he’d talked himself out of his panicked haze, just in time for his first shift the following day.

“I can’t believe I let Pat talk me into this.” The ravenette grumbled as he leaned to the side. Using his weight and momentum to shift the sliding ladder he was perched on, he slid closer to the next book he’d been reaching for.

“Become the castle’s new Librarian! It’ll be fun, he said! It’ll help sooth my anxiety to work with even more books and even less people, he said, the head cook who works with at least 20 other staff each hour to maintain a steady meal plan for the entire castle staff daily!” The little librarian huffed to himself, resignation seeping out with each controlled breath.

His first day hadn’t been an easy one, and though he hadn’t expected it to go smoothly, he certainly hadn’t expected it to become such a mess. It wasn’t his first time working as a librarian, but leave it to good ol’ Virgil to let life make his days as eventful as possible!

From the moment he woke to the time he had his lunch break, not that he would actually willingly take a break nor need one yet, the day had been.. busy, to put it lightly.

It’d been storming when he woke, and though he was on time to get ready and leave, he’d only realized that his umbrella had broken the month prior. It had left him to make a twenty minute dash in the pouring rain when he found no other options.

He was plenty grateful for a bathroom stationed just inside of the library building entrance, where he hurriedly rushed inside to change out of his soaked attire. He’d been smart enough to pack away his official Royal Librarian uniform into a water resistant bag with a few additional dry essentials, and let his common clothes get soaked instead.

In a short six and a half minutes, Virgil was changed and mostly dry, though there was little he could do about his damp hair aside from comb his fingers through it. With his wet clothes packed away, he made it into the library on time to begin his first very long shift.

He’d already been sworn into secrecy when it came to occasionally dealing with the royal family’s history and artifacts in the future, and with his first and hopefully one of very few ever meetings with King Thomas out of the way, he was officially the new Royal Librarian. And now, also the only. As he was told in no certain terms that the last had retired and fucked off into obscurity before anyone had realized that the library had been left in disorganized chaos.

The old coot had apparently made his own system for everything, and hadn't bothered to write any of it down. From sorting sections to assigning books to genres, none if it clear and often very, very unorganized.

Virgil’s first big task was to comb through the entire damn building and use a new system, one that made sense. He was to reorganize every book and every section, using the appropriate genres and sorting. This way the royal family could actually functionally use the library and not waste time sorting through chaos.

This was where Virgil found himself three hours later, on the verge of a minor mental breakdown as he’d just barely sorted an eighth of the books on the main library floor into the Dewey Decimal system.

He’d had plenty of empty tables at the beginning of his journey, and right now every single one had some few stacks of books on each, labeled accordingly. Aside from his muffled ranting and the pattering of rain, the library was relatively silent.

It was odd, being alone in such a gigantic library. It almost reminded him of home.

He paused for a brief moment, having set down the final few books taken from the bookshelf he’d been working on. He’d gone through just one row of 6 bookshelves, and had 7 rows left to go, and that was just barely counting putting books back in the previous shelves as he went. A whine left him as he realized just how long this project was going to take.

“Fucking fuck.”

Somewhere between the second row and the third, Patton had stopped by to check in on Virgil. He found him hard at work sorting the fiction section on the left side of the building, tables half forgotten as Virgil attached unobtrusive non-damaging number labels to each and every book. Stacks of books lay carefully placed on the floor against each shelf, seperated by label and lack of label.

“You already look so at home, Virge!” The head cook whisper-shouted, though the sentiment was not necessary as the only other being in the library was the librarian himself.

“Yeah yeah, hush you. I’m a bit too swamped for ‘I told you so’s at the moment. So, what's up?” Glancing up at the taller man, Virgil briefly noted a small package wrapped in cloth was held in his hands.

“Can you spare a minute to eat?” Patton giggled, but Virgil knew better. He’d known Patton since they were kids, it wasn’t a question. Or a decision to be made. With a sigh, he placed the book he was holding in its place before turning to the cheery cook. “Yeah, I can.”

“How’s the kitchen today?” He asked lightly, having eaten the light meal quickly in order to get back to sorting. Patton hadn’t commented, nor had he been shooed away when Virgil began sorting again. He contently sat out of the way to finish his own lunch, his original goal having been accomplished.

“Oh! It’s going great today, honestly. Not too many mishaps from the newbies today either, so that's a bonus! And well, you know, making mistakes is in human nature but, they’re learning so quickly, I’m so proud of them! They’ll be taking my place by fall, just you wait and see! And, well, Roman stopped by earlier to swipe some snacks for Prince Logan, his brother, and himself. You know, the usual.” Patton chuckled, and if Virgil had looked, he’d seen the besotted look Patton always had when he talked about the head knight of the prince, he’d seen it a hundred times and was bound to see it a hundred or so more.

“Oh, speaking of,” Virgil butted in playfully, “I’ll finally get a chance to meet this knight and shining armor you’ve been swooning over for over a year now, huh?”

He watched Patton’s freckled face flush bright red, sputtering and then coughing on his mouthful of food. Virgil just cackled delightedly, stepping over to give Patton a few hard pats on the back to be sure his friend didn’t choke.

He laughed again when Patton gave him a pout and a soft “You’re so mean to me, Virge!” Eventually Virgil was able to placate Patton with a gentle hug, and the cook was sunshine and smiles again.

A finished lunch break later had Virgil finally sending Patton off, back to the warm bustling kitchens in the main castle building while he moved on to the next portion of his task.

He quickly found the steady back and forth rythme soothing. Pick a few books up, put them away. Pull a few books out, sort it by number as per their section of genre, set it in the right place. It was a blessing to find that there was just enough of a consistency to the previous plan that he could find up to five to six books in the same category in a row, and each set of books could be similar in subject, usually ending up just one section away. Often was the wayward book that found itself out of place, though he had assumed that these were often books just placed back haphazardly considering their subject patterns.

Often the most scattered and random books had ended up being of a few select categories. Without fail, he found that it would end up being a book on Space and Astronomy and/or Mathematics, in-depth Anatomy of Plants and Animals, young adult Fantasy Adventure novels, or Horror novels. It was.. Sort of odd, how there had been no section for each and all of these books, and yet there were so many evenly scattered. Perhaps that had been on purpose then, not haphazardly placed. But why?

Too busy to think deeply about it, he designated spots fitting each book type, and decided he’d figure out what he’d do with the puzzle later.

It was 6 pm by the time he’d finished the fourth row, and Patton had stopped by briefly to check on his best friend. He watched Patton’s merry expression drop some, concern seeping in as he took in his best friend’s progress.

“It’s almost 6:30, Virgil. Have you had another break yet?” He asked, watching his best friend continue moving back and forth. “Aren’t you tired? It’s been a little under 12 hours at this point, kiddo.. dontcha think it’s time to call it for the day? I mean, you’re already halfway there!”

“Library hours, at least Librarian work hours, don’t end till 9. And yeah, I guess I’m a little tired? But I’m in the zone, Pat. You know how I get when I’m in The Zone. If I stop now, who knows how long it’ll take me to finish sorting the other half?” Virgil rambled, half distracted and still trying to keep a vice grip on his concentration. “And besides, King Thomas said he’d be checking in on me tomorrow.”

“But Virge, you know he doesn’t expect you to have it done in one day. Thomas isn’t like that! That’s why he gave you a whole week to settle in, so you could move into the Library’s living quarters-which you haven’t done yet, might I add!- and get the library situated.” Patton stood stiffly, knowing he was fighting a losing battle. Virgil was as stubborn as he himself was when his mind was made up.

“Look, Pat.. just, I’m sorry. You know I hate to worry you. I’ll try to stop at 10, go home and get some rest, and tomorrow i’ll move my stuff into my new home here. And, i’ll take a break from sorting for a few hours. Okay?” Virgil reached out, taking Patton’s hand and giving it a reassuring squeeze. He let Patton pull him into a tight hug, and didn’t resist when Patton briefly rubbed at his tense shoulders.

“Okay. Just, take care of yourself, Virge, okay? If I find out you stayed out an hour later than 11 pm, you’re gonna be in big trouble mister!” Patton giggled, lightening the mood the way he knew how.

“Yeah, yeah, hear ya loud and clear, Dad.” He watched Patton beam at the nickname, and moments later he watched Patton disappear behind the library’s main entrance door as his friend left him be, reassured. Virgil gave a heavy sigh, looking down guiltily at the stray book clutched in his hands.

“Let’s just hope ‘trouble’ just means a week of disappointed reprimands like last time…”

Hours later, Virgil’s head jerked up from his sorting as a father clock somewhere in the library dinged, signalling 10 o'clock. Biting his lip, he walked to the front doors and examined his options. He found he could lock the library from the inside, and pulled down the shutters. Briskly, he moved to cover each large window with their thick drapery, finding the adorning cloth thick enough to keep the low artificial light from seeping out. He dimmed the inner library lights so the library looked closed, but otherwise the building was still functioning from within.

Unless someone else had keys to the doors of the library, no one would know that the librarian was still stationed and working within. No one could see out, and more importantly, no one could see in. Which meant that Virgil was safe from Patton’s wrath if the Cook came to check on him, temporarily at least.

“Fuck, Patton’s gonna be so mad..” He muttered to himself, leaning against the librarian’s desk with a deep sigh. He’d briefly admired the beautiful desk earlier in the day, from the intricate carving to the beautiful dark mahogany. It would serve him well in the future, he hoped, after the thorough ‘grounding’ he knew he was going to get from Patton.

He shook his head to free his thoughts. There was no sense in getting in trouble and feeling guilty about it if he didn’t do anything to learn from in the first place. It was time to get back to work, and if he was lucky, he’d finish the main body of the library by the time his next shift started. Then, he could try and play it off, like nothing had ever happened, he’d just keep Patton out of the library till tomorrow to hide his finished work.

11 pm came and passed as he worked, and when he looked next at the clock, he found it was nearly 4 am. Tired but determined with only one row left, Virgil trekked on with a new vigor. All-nighters weren’t anything new to Virgil, not in the slightest. He was a creature of the night who rarely got a full night's rest to begin with. And sure, it was rare he worked his body so hard and for so long, but fixations were hard to break once in The Zone, it’s not like he could feel it past the hyperfixation haze.

Patton had often told him off for it when they were young, but as time passed they’d come to realize that’s just how Virgil was. Laying down did nothing to lure his mind to sleep on even the tiredest of nights if his insomnia had something to say about it. Better that he used the extra time to be productive, rather than spend 6 hours tossing and turning in bed, numbers and thoughts crowding in his head, and only getting up more restless than before. Patton often just tried to ease the aftermath if he could help it.

Sliding the last book into place was like sliding a final puzzle piece into a massive puzzle. The triumph of accomplishment had never felt so good, not like this.

Though, he quickly found himself aimless not 10 minutes later, seeking errors to fix and lost books to give a home. His brain wasn’t ready to let go of it’s fixation just yet, but as each second crawled by, he found himself recentering into the real world.

His body ached, and he was exhausted. His stomach gnawed at him weakly in hunger and his eyes watered from staring unblinkingly for so long. He eyed the chair behind the librarian’s desk, his desk now, he reminded himself.

“Screw it.. The Library’s sorted enough, I've got the rest of the week to make it perfect. A ten minute nap won’t hurt, right..?” He huffed to himself as he pulled the window curtains open one by one. Shuffling over to the main library doors, he unlocked them and raised the shutters. Soft morning sun rays fluttered into the connected windowed hallway just beyond the doors. He smiled at the tiny beauty of life, spotting the main library windows letting in the same comforting, dappled light.

Pulling his cloak tighter around himself, he plopped into the chair at his desk, finding it soft and comforting. Leaning forward, he rested his head on his arms, and under the fluttering morning light, succumbed to sleep’s gentle embrace.

Unknowing of the rude awakening that was soon to come.

Chapter two

[prinxlyart]

How do you think some of the other parents would react to the blight parents journey to redemption/being fully redeemed? I think it would certainly be shoking at first and they'd be skeptical because of how much of a reputation the blights have built

Ooooo this is a good one I like it okay let’s see

Willow’s Dads

I think Willow’s dads have an especially sour attitude towards the Blight parents just because of Willow’s personal history with Amity and those 7 years of non-stop depression their daughter suffered because of Alador and Odalia’s actions. They’re extremely skeptical of the Blights trying to “turn over a new leaf” and are convinced they’re only saying so because they want to get something out of it. They’re also both especially protective of the Blight children after they’d originally escaped the manor simply because what the ever loving fuck did those two sorry excuses for witches think they were doing to these kids???????

After Willow explains why Amity stopped being her friend all those years ago, her dads sort of. Accidentally adopt? Amity? Sort of? They legit tell her that she’s welcome to stay with them any time and for as long as she needs if she ever has any trouble, etc etc, and no joke they offered their little 2-bedroom flat to the blight kids when they were first discussing their escape plans. They wanted to be absolutely certain these kids would have a safe place to go the moment they flew the coop.

They love Luz. No question. Okay, maybe one question: why is she so insistent that she try to make those good for nothing Blight Socialites see the error of their ways? Their heads are so far up their own vain asses; they consider Luz’s newest quest to be an impossible one. They’re rather surprised when Luz reports back that her talk with the Blight parents actually went in her favor. They still won’t believe it until they see it though, which Luz concedes is fair. It’s not until Camila (who they also love) also reports back weeks later that she made them cry and that they bound themselves in an everlasting oath to Luz that they were going to do better that they finally believe it.

They defo still don’t like it, but yknow. They’re trying? Which is more than they could say of most of their childrens’ lives? And it’s extremely tense; even though all of the Blight children are adults now, these two Very Good Dads (still with no names; please Dana I’m begging you) find themselves acting as chaperones occasionally to the Blight kids when they meet up with their parents. Usually when it involves Amity (as she’s the future daughter in law), but they also don’t hesitate when Edric or Emira ask for their backup as well.

Viney’s Parent(s)

I’ve seen a lot of fanfics where Viney only has one parent and I don’t know why that’s so common. Regardless, Viney’s parent(s) would be fucking livid at the Blight parents. Not only did they openly criticize their daughter (viney) to her face, but also just the years of shitty parenting they inflicted upon their daughter in law and her siblings??? Super not okay. In fact, they were so spiteful, it was a common theme muttered under their breath at Viney and Emira’s wedding. Viney’s parent(s) could almost constantly be heard whispering something about how glad they were that Odalia and Alador weren’t there or how disapproving they would’ve been at any display of affection the newlyweds would share. Long story short, they fucking hate the Blight parents. Where Willow’s dads are much like Willow in that they would let their anger simply simmer and fester like a dark storm on the horizon, Viney’s parent(s) would be the vicious winds of the storm fast-approaching.

Similarly to Willow’s parents, they offer the Blight kids their home if they ever need it. I’m not sure if Viney has siblings or not but regardless, they’d figure out at least three different bedroom solutions for the Blight kids if they ever needed their help with anything.

As much as Viney’s parent(s) love the Blight kids and want to protect them, they actually find planning Viney and Emira’s wedding as the only parent(s) rather difficult. Although that lasts for all of five minutes before the doors are blown off their hinges and Willow and Luz’s parents (and parental figures) burst in like a super hero squad. These adults all want to make sure all of the Blight kids are happy, not just the one that associates with their respective daughters. It just adds fuel to the fire when all of these parental figures show up and the Blight parents don’t.

When they do show up while they’re all trying to plan out our girls’ triad wedding, Viney’s parent(s) have nothing but cold, venomous hatred in their heart(s). How dare they try to reinsert themselves into Amity’s life at a time like this???? It actually takes everyone in attendance of this wedding planning meeting to keep them from just ripping the Blights to shreds where they stood.

Everyone Loves and Respects Camila Noceda. It’s like an unspoken law in the Boiling Isles (and probably also in the human realm, but we’re not there rn). As soon as Camila explains why the Blight parents are even allowed to be at the meeting is because of their willingness to change and the effort they’ve already put in to making amends with their children, Viney’s parent(s) back down. But they don’t stop seething.

I don’t think they truly believe the Blights are in it for their family and not for some other ulterior motive until the day of the wedding. Like, it literally takes Alador walking his daughter down the aisle and taking his seat and just dissolving into tears for them to actually believe they’re here for their daughter. They see Odalia holding his hand tightly and dabbing at her eyes with a handkerchief which is more emotion than they’ve ever seen from Odalia Blight ever. They’re only finally convinced that the Blight parents are capable of changing during the wedding itself. After that point they go much easier on them.

Luz’s Family

I think Eda and Lilith have more personal ties with the Blight parents. We know they all at least went to school together and likely have interacted in the past. Lilith much more recently as the Ex-Head of the Emperor’s Coven and likely actively checking in with other coven heads and their immediate subordinates while also attending to her coven leader duties. I think if they hadn’t been witnesses to Camila ripping them to shreds, they would find it hard to believe too.

Whether or not they believe it, they have very little faith in Alador and Odalia’s ability to actually change much. Or at least, Lilith has the least amount of faith. Eda’s got faith in the Nocedas wedgie-ing those stuck-up Blights into acting like civil witches. And if anyone can melt some ice-cold hearts, it’s the Nocedas. Eda trusts her girls.

Lilith doesn’t not trust them, she’s just worked professionally with them in essentially the same office as them (probably different departments) for the last 20-30 years and hasn’t seen them change once. They seemed somewhat happier in the workplace after their children were first born, but they kept themselves strictly professional at all times. Unless, of course, they were bragging about what new accomplishment their children had achieved. All this to say, the Blight were not so easily swayed.

I think between the Bligjt parents and Lilith there’s a lot of like? Reciprocal Validation in their progress to be Better? Like, Alador and Odalia look to Lilith as a sort of example for someone that used to be in their position thats spent the last several years working hard to change all of that and be worthy of Luz and Eda’s time and attention (and respect. Sometimes Luz still struggles with that one). Lilith sees the Blights’ progress from the view point of someone that’s gone through those same struggles of unlearning everything you thought you knew and building it back up into something more healthy, and she lets them know that they’re doing well, at least compared to her when she was in that same place however many years ago. Idk if the Blights and the Clawthornes were ever friends during school but I like to believe that at least during the hard parts of the Blights redeeming themselves, they do make a real friend in Lilith as someone that understands exactly the mental place they’re coming out of and trying so hard to fix.

Eda generally keeps to herself when it comes to the Blight parents. She loves the Blight kids, of course, one of them is head over heels for her own kid and she’s been a proud bystander watching their relationship flourish over the years. She’s fiercely protective of the Blight kids; any time any of them show up at the Owl house with distressed looks, she immediately puts a kettle to boil and starts prepping some tea before they can even start hashing out what new complicated BS they’ve got stirring in their noggins. She started doing this as a way to not have to deal with teenage hormones because when did her house become a teenager safe-haven??????? But then continued it over the years because all the kids found comfort in the small act of love and care. Even though Emira and Viney are married by the time the Blight parents begin their Redemption Journey, Emira will still stop by the Owl House from time to time and just sit and have tea with Eda (as a fellow trouble-maker, Eda feels a special kinship with the twins. She never minded the Twins’ presence in the Owl House despite all her complaining that her House had turned into a teenage clubhouse).

Any time the subject of Alador and Odalia comes up in conversation, Eda just sits back and crosses her arms and shockingly, remains silent. She knows it means a lot to so many of them; Luz and Camila seem especially invested and she cares for those Blight kids more than she’d ever admit out loud, but she’s not here to get involved. She’ll quietly support her kid’s noble efforts and be on standby in case shit hits the fan, but otherwise she wants nothing to do with the Blight parents.

King is surprisingly observant when he wants to be. He can see just how much this means to Luz and to Amity and knows that while teasing here and there might be okay, he would respect their wishes to continue trying to make the Blight parents decent people again. But that doesn’t mean he likes Alador or Odalia. He, just like Eda, had been among the ones the Blight kids had turned to when they were at their lowest points and seeking comfort over the years. He’s acted as those kids’ teddy bear for years. He only wants them to be happy (he insists it’s so he can stop being the Family Snot Rag but everyone knows it’s because he loves them). So he, like eda, remains silent whenever the topic of the Blight Parents comes up in conversation.

King and Eda defo talk shit about the Blight parents when it’s just the two of them. They will rant for hours about how shitty the Blight parents are and how undeserving they are of this second chance that Luz is giving to them. Whenever other people bring them up, Eda and King will exchange glances and eye rolls. King will often go to Eda’s lap (if she’s sitting) and pretend to nap on her. He’s actually listening and gripping Eda’s dress in his claws as a reminder to Eda to not say anything. Eda does the same under the guise of petting him; she’ll run her fingers through his fur and just grip tightly whenever she feels him starting to grow agitated under her hand. They don’t like the situation, but they also don’t need to be part of it.

Camila’s so fucking tired you guys. She’s long since accepted that her daughter lives in the Demon Realm and that the demons living here tend to only be different in physiology compared to humans or witches. Otherwise, they’re exactly the same as any other person.

No, the true demons, Camila’s discovered, are those like the Blight parents. Those that neglect their children in favor of something so frivolous as social standing and at the same time, thrust ridiculous expectations on their children to behave in the same way such a social standing would require. Withholding affection as something to be earned rather than giving it as the basic need children require. As if their love was something to work for like Luz doing all of her chores (and not forgetting them) for a month to earn a new book. She’s disgusted to say the least. But! Luz is her whole world. And the Blight children are a part of her world. Putting in the work to change the Blight parents for the better rather than just writing them off as a lost cause is something that means a lot to Luz (and by extension, the Blight kids who Camila’s adopted in her mind. She adores Amity and loves watching Eda interact with the twins). So she’s ready to put in that effort. If only so she can scream at them to their faces about the million ways they’ve fucked up and get away with it.

Camila doesn’t....like Alador and Odalia, just sort of on principle. If anything, she pities them. What sort of lives have they led where they think treating their children so horribly was even an option? As she helps guide them into being decent people, she does get to witness their actual personalities break through the tough exteriors they’d crafted for themselves. Alador is a dork. Odalia is quite smart despite her dumb life choices. Both are extremely talented in the magic paths they’ve pursued. Alador is like every man ever and cracks dad jokes that literally only Luz (and sometimes Edric) finds funny. Odalia has a quick-witted kind of humor that you have to stop and think about before it sinks in what she’s said.

It takes a long time for Camila to actually be able to stand their presence, but I think she tolerates them by the time their daughters’ wedding takes place. After that point it’s a matter of chipping away at those stony exteriors they made decades ago to get their real personalities out into the sunshine. By the time those masks are gone, Camila finds she actually doesn’t mind them being around. She’s okay with them being in-laws. I’m not sure if they ever become like. Friends? But they certainly come to a point of mutual respect. Eventually.

Thank you so much anon!! This was a super cool thought exercise :0

[secondpubertyscene]

8.14.21

This year has been one of major change. In Octavia Butler’s Parable of the Sower, there’s this quote, “God is Change. Beware: God exists to shape and be shaped,” and I think for the first time since reading it, I get what was being said. While I subscribe to the idea that there is a higher power of some kind, I also believe that we (as in, us as individuals) have great power as well. That power lies in our ability to change, to grow, to persevere. This year has been one of major change, and we really have to talk about it.

It is easy to look at this last year and think, “Well, that fucking sucked” because frankly, it did indeed fucking suck. I could write you a list of things that brought me great pain this year, unbelievable, undeniable, unrelenting pain that still lingers now. But, see, the beauty of it all is that none of that pain happens in a vacuum. Along with the pain, I’ve come through it all with more wisdom, more compassion, more empathy, more gratitude, more peace, more love, and more confidence. I’d like to share how those things all are connected, but first I would like to acknowledge something.

While I don’t know for sure if this is just an American thing, it does seem very clear that Americans aren’t fantastic at processing grief, death, and pain collectively. We often are encouraged to suck it up, to shut up about it, to not make others uncomfortable with our tears and trauma. I believe this is in large part due to the fact that American Exceptionalism doesn’t quite allow us to acknowledge when our systems have failed us or when we are suffering in the “greatest country in the world.” I don’t intend on participating in that toxic positivity or to dismiss the seriousness of the year past. I simply intend on acknowledging the nuances of my experiences, the complexity of it all. Now, let’s begin.

Without recounting every moment in large detail (in part because that would be far too much and also because I don’t need to relieve my traumas today), the events of the last year have been as follows: 1) COVID hit, 2) I had a severe emotional breakdown that resulted in a short stay at the hospital, 3) my grandma passed away, 4) I broke up with my partner of a year, 5) I was officially diagnosed with adult ADHD (inattentive), 6) I got into a PhD program for sociology (fully-funded), and 7) I moved to Ohio (two weeks ago now). So much happened in what feels like a blink of an eye. When you’re a kid, you think a year lasts forever. Now, a year feels like a couple months!

Anyhow, all of these things had super intense negative impacts on my life and most of them had super intense positive impacts on my life. Let’s talk about how. I won’t say that COVID had any “positive” impact on my life, because it’s still currently making things difficult and it is still destroying lives (full worlds) every day. The emotional breakdown that I experienced shortly after COVID began, however, was the impetus for some of the greatest change I would ever make in my life. It began with new therapy, medication for the first time ever to treat my mental illnesses, and a new relationship with boundaries.

Out of this breakdown, I came to realize a few things. 1) I wasn’t really feeling most of my life up until that point. That isn’t to say that I didn’t feel at all or that I wasn’t aware of my feelings all the time, but to say that most of the time, I numbed everything out that was too hard to bear. I didn’t cry, I didn’t write, I didn’t even take the time to try to identify exactly what emotions I did feel. I just lived through it and waited until I felt better. Or, I would breakdown with rage and then feel better. Therapy, especially the group therapy I participated in for a couple weeks after leaving the hospital, changed that in huge ways for me.

Because I was able to sit in my pain, in my discomfort, I was able to actually work through some of my issues. I began to identify the areas in my life that made me genuinely unhappy and began to grant myself permission to feel disappointment. I granted myself the permission to expect more, to want more. I granted myself the permission to set boundaries without guilt or shame. I granted myself freedom. It is an ongoing journey of mistakes and back-peddling and trying again, but it is mine and I am proud of it. Had I not had that breakdown, I don’t know that I would be where I am now.

My grandma dying is one of the most painful things I’ve experienced and honestly, I haven’t dealt with it all the way yet. I didn’t get to say goodbye to her in person, I still am battling the feelings of guilt despite knowing that there likely was nothing I could have done, and my chest still feels heavy thinking about her. Even as I write this, I feel that pain. I know she is not truly gone and that she lives within me, but oh, I do miss her physical presence. The nagging, the phone calls, the hugs, the cooking, her soft hair and beautiful hands. I miss her. Because of her, though, I have been able to rehabilitate another relationship in my life. The relationship I share with my mother.

My mother is a lot of things, but for whatever reason I continually forgot that she too is a victim of hardship brought on by nothing but sheer luck. In this last year, she lost her mother, the man that she loved, multiple cousins, friends that went back to childhood, and who knows who else. She suffered a lot this year and she has suffered a lot over the course of her 61 years of life overall. For the first time, I have been able to really acknowledge her as a full being with a complex history and understand her as a person, rather than just as a parent. I’ve set new boundaries with her as a result, boundaries that have completely change the dynamic of our relationship and will continue to do so as we both learn more about each other. Gone are the days where she relies solely on me for emotional support or financial support. Gone are the days where she feels comfortable talking down to me and then expecting any kind of favors from me. She understands and respects that I am an adult, that I am independent, and that I can terminate our relationship should it get to a point where I feel unsafe again. While this might sound like a threat or even negative, it is in fact quite the contrary.

We now share the belief that I deserve better from her and that my continued relationship with her is founded upon our mutual growth. That’s a beautiful thing that arose from us being pulled together by the loss of someone we both loved more than we maybe even loved ourselves. Thankfully, though, I have come to love myself more than anyone else on this planet. This newfound self-love and respect resulted in the severing of my relationship with my partner.

I won’t pretend like my ex was this horrible person because she wasn’t. She was kind, loving, intelligent, hilarious, unique, complex, and so many other amazing things. I still love her with all of my heart and have thought about her every single day since we broke up. It is not for lack of love that our relationship came to a close. The issue was that I needed more than what she could give. I needed someone who could really sit in my shit with me without invalidating my feelings jokingly because they didn’t know what else to say. I needed someone who could make me feel safe and secure, not fearful and insecure. I needed someone who understood boundaries as openings for futures, not closed doors. I needed someone who could show up for me the way I showed up for them, even when they hurt me, even when they lied out of fear. She wasn’t able to do that. She wasn’t able to stick beside me during the worst days of my life. She wasn’t able to see me beyond our relationship. When my grandma passed and our relationship was on the rocks, she made it about us. She didn’t stop pestering me about our relationship for long enough to give me support on losing someone who meant the world to me. I couldn’t trust her after that and I also realized, I wasn’t required to.

Boundaries in that relationship weren’t healthy. I felt unseen, unprotected, and sometimes even unloved. While I am sure that she has grown even more since we have parted, the reality is that when I ended things, I knew that doing so was the most fair thing I could do for the both of us. This is because I deserve someone who sees my value inherently. I deserve someone who takes the time to understand me, to love me, to see me. Not just see me and them together, but me as an individual separate from them. More importantly, I needed to be able to ask for those things without feeling guilty or bad. As of now, I still don’t know that she sees me as me, as a singular person, and maybe she never will. That is okay. I still love her anyway. I just love me more now. As a part of that love I’ve grown for myself, I also now have sought out more help for myself. This seeking of resources led me to realizing that I was ADHD and helped me change my life.

Being diagnosed with ADHD at 21 felt absolutely ridiculous. How could I be ADHD when I can sit still most of the time and have a pretty decent amount of impulse control? The answers came from my psychiatrist, breaking down the stereotypical understanding of ADHD and allowing me to find myself within the diagnosis. Finding the right combination of medication has been difficult, but what hasn’t been hard at all is finding more resources that help me manage my symptoms. It’s because of some of these resources that I am able to sit here and write this.

A huge part of ADHD is this perfectionist mentality that makes it nearly impossible to start or complete some tasks. Every time I sat down to write in the past, I told myself that I absolutely had to write every single day, once a day, or I should just not do it. When it came to this blog especially, I had so much shame when I failed to post for a long time or had a lull, that I would either consider deleting the whole thing to start over, or just never posting again. I realize now that those were just cop outs for my brain, that I can write as little or as much as I want because it is for ME. It doesn’t have to be perfect; it doesn’t have to be anything but what I need it to be. Waiting for perfection would have me waiting forever because it’s simply not how my brain works. Accepting that is a large part of how I got into my PhD program.

I’m not going to lie. I am still trying to figure out all of the feelings I have regarding this PhD program. I am shocked that I got in, shocked that I got full-funding, shocked that I am now in Ohio, shocked that I am in my own apartment, and overall shocked that I’ve made it this far in general. While I do not believe that I am stupid or not capable of greatness, I am realizing that I’ve always seen myself pursuing something more straightforward. When I was younger, I had a pretty clear idea of what I wanted to do even as those things changed. I knew what was required of me, I knew what I would ultimately do, and I took refuge in that. Doctors go to medical school. Chefs go to culinary school. Forensic anthropologists get masters degrees and do field work. It felt clear cut, straightforward, safe. This is uncharted territory. What do you do post PhD? What do you do DURING PhD years? I suppose I’ll just have to find out!

Anyhow, this year has been intense. Change is always present in our lives and sometimes it brings with gifts that we can only receive when we’re healed enough to take them. I’m hoping to keep healing, keep growing, keep loving, and keep going. I’m learning so much about myself and about the world. I’m loving myself more than I have in the past. I am incredibly proud of where I am. And I’m not done yet.

[jalapeno-princess]

We’ll Be Okay

Football jock Mark! X Reader

Genre: Angst (warning) Somewhat of a toxic relationship, insecurities

Word Count: 5.9K

Summary: Your relationship with your boyfriend Mark has been on the rocks lately and you’ve been hearing rumors about him cheating on you. Instead of confronting him on your own, you and your best friend Youngjae attempt to catch him in the act at a college party but things don’t go as expected and you’re given the ultimatum to finally end your toxic relationship or continue allowing Mark to take advantage of your love for him.

A/N: Every time I listen to Psycho by Red velvet I wan’t to write an imagine but a storyline never came to me and I’ve been listening to this song on repeat for months (Top Red Velvet song in my opinion don’t @ me) So yeah this is what came out of it I don’t feel as proud of this one as I do my other stories so please go easy one me (honestly this is so messy but whatever) please enjoy! (By the way #teamyoungjae hahahaha)

What should I do about you? I haven't felt this way Up and down a lot I can't control myself One thing is for sure I don't play the game People say we're so weird I just like you so much You know it so well and control me So do I We're in a very weird and strange relationship We crush each other (Crush) And hug each other (And hug) You got me feeling like a psycho, psycho People keep telling us As we fight like it's our last But then we get along They don't get it It's so funny

You knew you shouldn’t have been there. There was nothing you hated more in life than attending college parties. You never found the point in them, but you had a reason for going to this specific one and you wanted nothing more than to find what you’ve came for and then leave. There was a rumor going around school that your boyfriend Mark was secretly fooling around with one of the girls in your science class. You never wanted to be an insecure and easily jealous girlfriend nor did you want to assume the rumors were true without talking to Mark, but you couldn’t help as if there was something he was hiding from you. 

Toxic was the best word to describe your relationship. He had a tendency to make rash decisions without putting anyone’s feelings in to consideration. Your boyfriend also had a very bad temper and would lash out on you over the smallest things. The two of you have been fighting almost every other day for the last month and it was coming to the point where you wondered if you should just call it quits on your relationship entirely. He claimed you were too needy and over expectant of his attention, but whenever you’d stay away from him to give him his space he claimed to need so much, he’d come running back to you less than a day later. 

Deep down you knew it wasn’t healthy in a relationship to argue and to lack trust in one another, but you couldn’t picture life without Mark. He was all your heart knew and craved for the last three years. You knew you deserved better, but you didn’t want anyone else. Mark was it for you. Your friends began to pull you on the side and begged you to leave him. It was obvious your relationship was taking a negative toll on both your mental and physical health. Not only were you drastically losing weight and your eyes were always red and puffy from what they assumed were the cause of tears, but your smile no longer reached your eyes like it used to, you always seemed so out of it whenever someone would talk to you and you found yourself cancelling on plans simply because you didn’t have the energy nor desire to go out. 

Tonight was the first night in weeks that you found yourself getting ready for an event and it wasn’t even one you were particularly excited to be going to. When you told your best friend Youngjae about your assumptions that Mark was cheating on you, he was quick to suggest that the two of you go to where he knew he could find Mark on a Friday night. 

You and your boyfriend were polar opposites. He was the typical football captain; extremely outgoing and friendly to each and everyone that he met. You on the other hand were the definition of an introvert. You were also quite the bookworm and never really interacted with anyone other than your small group of friends unless you really had to. How the two of you ended up together was a mystery to everyone; even to you sometimes. However, when the two of you were paired up for a science project back in your freshman year, you found yourself spending most of your time with him and it didn’t take long for either of you to develop feelings for one another. 

When he confessed his feelings for you and asked you on a date during one of your study sessions, you were hesitant on taking things further with him. Mark was notorious for being a player. Although you weren’t one to get involved in the drama that went around campus, it was hard not to hear all about his dating history and how he slept with almost half of the girls at your university. You didn’t want to allow yourself to get hurt by him, no matter how attractive and charming he was. Nor did you want to have to change anything about yourself to impress him or to be what you considered good enough for him. But you couldn’t help yourself. 

Mark Tuan was a drug, and you’d be lying if you said you weren’t addicted. 

He was both shocked and relieved when you told him you felt the same and he was quick to kiss you before you could finish your confession. In the beginning of your relationship, Mark was nothing short of a gentleman to you. He never failed to remind you how much he loved and adored you on a daily basis and he would constantly tell you that he thought the world of you. Sometimes you felt as if he was only dating you out of pity and you knew he could get anyone he wanted, so you never really understood why he was settling for you. He never forced you to do anything you didn’t want to do, but he also didn’t stop doing things just because the two of you were dating. 

When you and Mark first started dating, he spent every moment of his free time with you. If he wasn’t at practice or in class, he was at your apartment, lazing around with you. Of course, there were days where both of your schedules would collide and you weren’t able to see one another but that didn’t stop him from calling and texting you to see how your day was going and to let you know that he missed you. Everything seemed to be going just fine between the two of you for the last three years. Sure, like most relationships you had your fair share of disagreements; but it was never nothing that you couldn’t handle. 

It wasn’t until just a few months ago that Mark grew distant towards you. He began contacting you less and started to come up with excuses as to why he couldn’t spend time with you. As captain of the football team, you knew he had many responsibilities he had to take care of and he had a lot of people depending on him to make sure your university’s football team made it to state finals. But when you found out that he was still attending parties and going out to bars and clubs with some of his teammates, you couldn’t help the green monster on your back telling you that there was someone else. 

The first time you confronted him, you both got in to one of your biggest arguments together as a couple which led you to stay away from him for a few days. Many mean things were said to one another and he even threatened to end your relationship but he never went through with it. A week after the fight, he came over to your apartment at 2:30 in the morning begging for you to forgive him and that he promised to do better. 

Unfortunately, he was all talk and no action. More and more arguments arose and he even tried to accuse you of cheating on him. You never understood where it all went wrong. When things were good between the two of you, then you could forget all about how cold he could be sometimes and the idea of him fooling around with someone would be pushed to the back of your mind. But when things got bad, they got real bad. Your boyfriend was completely aware of how insecure you could be sometimes and he did whatever he could to instill it in your mind that you were the most beautiful girl he’s ever laid his eyes on and not only were you extremely smart and had one of the kindest personalities, but he loved every single thing about you. 

When he began using your insecurities and self doubts against you, that’s when you knew he was no longer the same man you fell in love with three years ago. You felt crazy for putting yourself through this rollercoaster of a relationship and you knew that you were stupid for allowing this toxicity to continue. 

“Are you sure he’s here Youngjae? We’ve been going in circles for the last twenty minutes and I have yet to see him. Maybe we should go.” The older boy released a frustrated sigh before grabbing two beers out of the makeshift cooler in the kitchen sink and handed one over to you. 

Out of all of your friends, you were the closest with Youngjae. He knew you like the back of his hand. Other than Mark, Youngjae was one of the only people who held any meaning to you. He was very vocal about how much he disliked your boyfriend and how he knew you deserved way better than Mark. However, he also knew of how much a pushover you were and how you always tried to find the good in people. No matter how many times he and your two other friends BamBam and Yugyeom would try to talk you in to breaking up with Mark, you just couldn’t find it in you to go along with it. Sure, there were a couple of rumors now surrounding your boyfriend, but you weren’t going to give up on him until you saw for yourself that the rumors were true. 

“I really don’t want to put any kind of negative images in your head, but there are a couple of rooms in this house and people are known to hook up at parties like these—“ Youngjae stopped talking mid-sentence the minute he saw tears build up at the corner of your eyes. Being the number one person you ran to when things were rough with Mark, Youngjae grew accustomed to seeing you try and conceal the fact that you were on the verge of crying. He hated it. He hated knowing the pain that Mark put you through and he hated knowing that you were willing to do anything and everything for your boyfriend even if it was obvious that he wouldn’t do the same for you. 

“Y/n, please don’t cry. We’ll find him, I’m sure he’s playing beer pong with Jackson or something—“ you shook your head in disagreement before giving him a sad smile. 

“We came here for a reason Youngjae. I wouldn’t have came here if I didn’t think there was a chance he was having an affair. It’s my fault for not having the courage to tell him of my worries—“

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for anything negative that happens in your relationship with that asshole. Do you hear me? Look at you y/n! This relationship is killing you! You shouldn’t even have to feel as if he might be cheating on you. I’m sure he hears the rumors himself and as your boyfriend, he should reassure you that there’s nothing going on. Especially because he knows of your insecurities. I hate him, so much and I hate that you continue to allow him to do this to you. You’re always at his beck and call y/n and look, you changed yourself into the person you said you’d never be. All for someone who couldn’t give less of a shit about you—“

“Will you shut the fuck up? You know nothing of y/n and I’s relationship. What are you even doing here y/n? You hate these parties.” Your boyfriend’s face seemed to soften at the sight of you but soon turned in to a scowl when he noticed Youngjae’s grip on your arm. The two of them never got along. None of your friends approved of your relationship with Mark and Mark hated the idea of you having male friends. You had a huge feeling things weren’t going to end well and you wanted nothing more than to go back home and pretend like none of this happened. The sarcastic laugh that fell from Youngjae’s lips sent chills down your spine. Anyone who knew Youngjae knew of how much of a happy-go-lucky person he was. He was always so nice to everyone and just like you, he believed everyone had some kind of good in them. That applied to everyone but your boyfriend and Youngjae was willing to fight anyone if it meant protecting your happiness. 

“Well when she hears rumors that her oh so dreamy football captain boyfriend is cheating on her, she has to come and see so for herself because our words are never enough for her anymore. She doesn’t believe anything anyone says whenever it comes to your punk ass. How does it feel huh? Taking advantage of such a genuine and golden-hearted human being? She’s been crying over you for the last week because you’ve been such a fucking asshole towards her. So where have you been all this time lover boy? Loving up on someone else? Did you have to come downstairs for a quick break or something? I wouldn’t be surprised; you’ve never had a clean track record. What? Is y/n easy to you? Is that why you continue to break her fucking heart like it’s a toy? It’s because you know that she’d do anything for you isn’t it? You never loved her, you loved her body! The attention she gives you, the fact that you can change her in to anyone you want her to be. I knew you were pathetic, but God, I didn’t know you were the kind of person to do such a thing to someone you mean everything to. Y/n is such a wonderful person and you are the biggest piece of shit to exist. Why don’t you do all of us a favor and give her up already, I’m sure you can’t wait to get her off your hands anyway—“ 

The loud crack sound echoed throughout the room and if people weren’t already looking from the argument going on between your best friend and your boyfriend, then they were sure to be looking now hearing how loud the punch Mark sent against Youngjae’s jaw was. You couldn’t believe what had just happened. No matter how angry Mark could get, he would never resolve to violence and even if he despised Youngjae, he knew to never lay a hand on him. 

“Mark what the fuck—“ before you could even process the entire situation going on in front of you, Youngjae threw himself towards your boyfriend and began punching him repeatedly. You felt as if you were about to throw up. 

“Stop it! Get off of him! Youngjae please, that’s enough! Mark, stop it! Someone please help!” A few more punches were thrown, more so from Mark but you didn’t care who did what, you just wanted them off of each other or you were sure police were going to get involved. Once Mark’s friend Jackson came and pulled him off of Youngjae, you let out a sigh of relief and absentmindedly reached for his hand and attempted to lead him out of the house. However, the grip on your waist ultimately prevented you from taking any step further. 

“Baby—please. Let me explain—you know it’s not true—y/n please—“ you found yourself cringing at the freshly forming bruise on his jaw but you couldn’t feel an ounce of remorse for him. If anything, it was Youngjae that you felt bad for. He came specifically as moral support but ended up with a black eye; all because of you. You yanked his arm from off of your hip and continued to make your way out of the house. His pained expression was now burned in to your mind and you wanted nothing more than to turn around and pull him in to your embrace; but he wasn’t the victim in this situation. You knew you’d have to deal with him sooner or later, but all you wanted to do was go home and take care of Youngjae. 

As soon as you got in to your car and made sure Youngjae was buckled up, you drove straight to your apartment with the intent of cleaning him up and putting ice on his eye. The car ride was quiet for the most part; neither of you knew what to say and your thoughts were filled with the events that just happened to really hold a conversation with the boy next to you. However, you felt like you had to apologize for the trouble you caused Youngjae and thanked him profusely for defending you and doing whatever he could to protect you. 

“Youngjae, I’m so sorry—“ he reached over the gear shift and gently squeezed your thigh to reassure you he was fine. 

“Don’t apologize, I’m the one who egged him on. If anything, I should apologize to you. I didn’t mean to start such a scene and practically embarrass you. I don’t regret punching him though, he deserved worse. I’d take a thousand punches for you, you know that.” You gave him a sad smile before returning your attention back to the road. As soon as you pulled up to your parking structure and made your way up in to your apartment, you had Youngjae sit on the couch while you got him an ice pack and your first aid kit from the bathroom. 

“So what are you going to do?” You handed him the ice pack before cleaning out his cut with alcohol. Hearing him hiss at how painful it was made you feel bad. He wouldn’t have been put in this situation if you just confronted Mark on your own. 

“I don’t know honestly. I’m gonna need some time away from him, that’s for sure.” The laugh of disbelief that fell from his lips didn’t shock you. You knew you’d hear Mark out sooner or later and it didn’t take a genius to know that Youngjae wasn’t going to agree with your decision. 

“Y/n, tonight should’ve been your wake up call. You should pick up your phone and break up with him right now! Are you kidding me? You had no clue that he was going to that party and we don’t know exactly where he was the entire time. You’re insane you know that? Completely psycho. Who in their right mind would allow this kind of treatment to continue? Please y/n, let him go. I hate seeing what this relationship is doing to you! It’s tearing you apart. I can’t witness this go on any longer.”

“But Youngjae—I love him.”

There was nothing else he could say or do to get you to change your mind. Those three words got him to shut up completely. He knew you loved Mark; you wouldn’t continue to stay in a relationship with him if you didn’t. However, he didn’t know if he could say the same thing for your boyfriend. If he really loved you, he wouldn’t be treating you the way he’s been for the last month. The distance between the two of you would bother him and the thought of you hurting alone should’ve awoken something inside of him. There was nobody in this world that would take care of Mark and treat him the way that you did. Your best friend didn’t want you to continue to give Mark the world on a silver platter when he couldn’t even give you a second of his time. 

“Fuck, I really wish you didn’t. Damnit y/n, when will you wake up and realize that asshole isn’t good enough for you? How long are you going to keep up this unhealthy relationship? You’re going to end up in the hospital sooner or later at the rate you’re going.” You shrugged indifferently. 

“Youngjae, I know you want nothing but the best for me and I’m very appreciative for how much you love and care for me. But I think that’s enough for tonight. I just really want to go to sleep.” He released a frustrated sigh before standing up and pulling you in to his embrace. You couldn’t help but tear up at the way he was holding you. Youngjae was the older brother you never had but always wanted. He always took such great care of you and did whatever he could to make you happy. You never argued with Youngjae once in your ten years of friendship until you started dating Mark. Although you knew he was right most of the time, you hated hearing him degrade your boyfriend and talk so negatively about him when he barely knew him. But then again, did you even really know Mark? Or was the person you thought you knew all a facade? 

“You’re right, lets get you to bed.” The next morning, Youngjae was no where to be found, but the note that was left on your kitchen counter answered a few of your questions for you. You understood that he had every right to be upset with you, knowing that you were going to allow Mark to explain himself even if he didn’t deserve you. Deep down, he was aware that you were going to take him back even if you were to find out that he’s been cheating. Youngjae was sure that Mark could kill somebody right in front of you and you’d still stick by his side no matter what. Your boyfriend could do no wrong in your eyes. 

When you read that Youngjae needed some time to accept your decision, you teared up at the idea of Youngjae staying away from you. You felt stuck between a rock and a hard place. By choosing Mark, you were pushing away Youngjae and if you thought with your mind; you’d give up on Mark completely if it meant having peace with your best friend. Why was your heart stronger than your mind? Why did you find pleasure in pain? 

Mark did whatever he could to try and get in touch with you. You checked your phone every single day for the last week and your inbox only grew more as the days went by. You had at least 100 text messages, 56 missed calls and 25 voicemails. You didn’t dare to read or listen to any message. You weren’t mentally prepared to talk to him and find out why he’s been acting the way he has been for a while. You were tired and the longer you stayed away from him, the more you were getting used to his absence. When you returned back to work exactly a week after the fiasco that went down at the party, you weren’t mentally prepared to socialize with people and you wished you asked your boss to give you a couple more days off so that you could gain back a little bit more of your sanity. 

Although working in a coffee shop was an ideal job for most college students, you didn’t feel like dealing with customers at all today. The day seemed to go by so slowly and your face was hurting with how many fake smiles you forced yourself to put on. You were fifteen minutes away from the end of your shift and you couldn’t have been more excited. You wanted nothing more than to go home and continue to wallow in self pity. Since it was slow, your boss had you go and wipe down the tables before you were finished and it was like a breath of fresh air for you. 

As you were wiping down the last table, the door opened and you greeted the person without seeing who it was. You smelled him before you saw him. The Versace cologne that you bought him for his birthday last year was strong and overpowered the pungent scent of coffee. You gave yourself a few seconds to prepare your heart from seeing him again. You knew you’d have to face him one of these days, but you didn’t think you’d see him so soon. When you finally turned around, you felt your heart sink at the sight of him. Although it’s only been a week, his appearance changed completely. 

The bruise on his jaw was still faintly there, both his eyes and his cheeks were swollen and puffy, his lips were chapped, his skin was paler than usual and his posture was so weak and frail. Was your absence affecting him that much? You didn’t think you meant all that much to him but seeing him so fragile made your stomach drop. Your eyes landed on the bouquet of flowers he was so desperately trying to hide behind his back and you couldn’t stop the small smile that began prying at your lips when he handed them to you. 

“Hey.” You thanked him politely while taking the mixture of roses and sunflowers. 

“Hi.” The two of you stood there awkwardly and he began to lean back and forth earning himself a little giggle. 

“Can we talk?” You took in a deep breath before nodding in agreement. Although you weren’t exactly ready to head him explain himself, you were dying to know why he’s been acting so suspicious and you wanted him to shut down the rumors. 

“I finish in ten if you don’t mind waiting.” He was quick to agree and took a seat at one of the tables as you returned back to work. You decided to watch him from afar as you finished up the rest of your responsibilities and quietly laughed to yourself as he began to fiddle with his fingers. You’ve been with Mark long enough to know what each of his mannerisms meant. Whenever he would play with his fingers, you knew it was because he was nervous and needed a distraction from his thoughts. Once you were finished, you clocked out and grabbed your things before making your way to him. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you saw Mark hesitantly reaching out for your bag; something he normally did whenever he came to pick you up from work. You found it cute how he seemed so worried but he had every reason to be. He didn’t know what you were thinking and he was afraid that you finally came to the realization that you no longer wanted to be with him. 

Mark was selfish. He knew he was being such an asshole to you and deep down he was aware that you could do so much better than him; but he couldn’t let you go. He was stubborn and loved you with every fiber of his being. Your boyfriend was going to do and say everything he could to get you to forgive him and to prove to you that he was worthy of your love. You allowed him to grab your things and walked right behind him to his car. He helped you open your door and you thanked him quietly before getting settled inside. 

“Um—my place or yours?” You thought about it for a few seconds before speaking up. 

“Mine. Just in case things go south, I can just kick you out.” He had to stifle back a laugh but returned back to his sullen expression and drove. Mark plugged in his phone and put on the playlist he made especially for you of songs that reminded him of you. You playfully rolled your eyes at the idea of him trying to lift your spirits and stared out of the window as Billie Eilish began to sound off through the speakers. You could tell there was a lot on his mind and that there were quite a lot of things he wanted to say, but he was afraid of saying the wrong thing and scaring you away before he could apologize completely. 

You surprised both yourself and your boyfriend when your hand reached out for the one he wasn’t using to drive and intertwined your fingers together. A smile made it’s way on your face when you saw his breath hitch at your touch and you brought his hand up to your lips and placed a gentle kiss there. 

“Mark.” He hummed in curiosity before grazing his thumb against your wrist. 

“Yes baby?”

“We’re going to be okay.” He squeezed your hand all but gently before agreeing. 

“Hell yeah we will. You and I are endgame y/n. Don’t ever forget it.” 

When he parked in his usual parking stall and got out of the car to help you out of your seat, he took no time and pulling you in his embrace and connected your lips together in a very passionate and long awaited kiss. His lips were rough but still fit perfectly with yours. Your hands made their way around his neck while his gripped at your ass all but gently as he swiped his tongue along your bottom lip, nonverbally asking for entrance. Before things could get too hot and heavy, you pulled away and placed your head against his chest. 

“I’m sorry for staying away for so long.” He shook his head in disagreement although if he had it his way, the two of you would’ve made up the morning after the incident. 

“You needed your space, I understand. Let’s head upstairs.” He intertwined your hands together and had you lead him towards your apartment. As soon as the two of you made your way inside, you looked for a place to put your flowers while he took a seat on your couch. Once you put your bouquet in a vase, you found your place next to him on the couch and allowed him to speak when he felt like he was ready. He scratched the back of his neck in embarrassment and leaned back in to your couch as he brought his face in between his hands. 

“I just want to start off by saying I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry y/n. I’ve been a dick—an asshole—a really shitty boyfriend these last few months and there’s no excuse for my behavior. The last thing I ever wanted to do was hurt you. You know that right? I need you to know that. I know I’ve been acting the complete opposite lately and you don’t deserve that. You’ve been nothing less 99than perfect to me and I could never thank you enough for all that you’ve done for me. I can’t tell you why I’ve been acting so weird towards you because I don’t even know myself and I know it doesn’t make sense—but I promise you—I never cheated on you. Okay? I could never live with myself if I were to do such a thing. I was pissed when Youngjae brought up that you guys were at the party to catch me cheating, but I can’t blame you. Even the last couple of accusations; I’ll admit I was hurt that you’d think I would ever do that to you. But I haven’t been showing you or telling you otherwise.” He took a moment to breathe before continuing. 

“This last week without you has been one of the toughest weeks of my entire life and I’m a football player. That says a lot. I’m practically tormented in the sun, running for up to five hours with very little breaks and only a few sips of water here and there but it’s a pain I can endure. I couldn’t stop thinking about the look on your face that night and it haunted me every single day. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I had a huge feeling you were probably crying this entire week and I never hated myself more for being the reason. I hate being away from you. You’re my only source of happiness y/n. You’re the only person who means anything to me. It may not seem that way, but trust me when I say I love you with everything that I have. Youngjae’s words—fuck. He’s right. I didn’t meant to sock him in the face—okay well maybe I did, but it was because I was irritated with the fact that he was right. I don’t deserve you. You—you’re the best thing to ever happen to me and I took you for granted. The thought of losing you—I can’t even bear it. I know my sorries probably mean jack shit to you, but please know that I’m being sincere. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before. I love you more than anyone or anything on this hell forsaken earth. I’ll try to do better. Fuck that—I will do better. I refuse to lose you y/n. I can’t be without you. You’re my lifeline baby. I want you for as long as I can have you for.” 

Seeing tears build up in his eyes made your heart melt. Mark always tried to keep up his tough exterior, but you knew your boyfriend was a huge softie. You were one of the only people who got to see the real side of him and you were extremely grateful that he trusted in you to show you the sensitive side of him. 

“People think our relationship is toxic Mark. They think I’m crazy to continue staying in this relationship with you—“ the growl that came from the back of his mouth should’ve scared you, but you were used to his anger. Especially whenever people tried to get involved in your relationship. It was one of the main reasons why he never cared for any of your friends. 

“I don’t give a fuck about what anyone has to say or thinks about our relationship. It’s our relationship. Not theirs. The only people who’s opinions matter is you and I. What do you think y/n?  What do you want? Do you want an out of this relationship? Do you agree with what everyone has to say? I hate the idea of letting you go, but I can’t force you to stay if you don’t want to. So tell me y/n, what do you want? I’ll do whatever you want me to baby. The ball is in your court now.” 

You turned yourself to face him and cupped his cheeks with your hands. No matter how much you knew you deserved better, and deep down you knew even if he’d promise to change there was a huge chance things would continue to be up and down between you and Mark, you would rather fight and argue with him than to be happy with anyone else. You didn’t care how twisted your relationship was, this man was the only one you wanted to spend the rest of your days with. 

“It’ll take some time for me to trust you again, but I want you Mark. I’ll probably always choose you and our relationship. I don’t care what anybody says. I’m in love with you. I’m a fucking fool for loving you. Honestly, the love I have for you will probably kill me one day. Please don’t take advantage of my love for you. I can only give you so much of myself before I lose myself completely. I’m risking it all for you. My pride, my love, my happiness, my friendships, my health; please make it worth my while.” 

Seeing his award winning smile before feeling his lips smash against yours caused butterflies to erupt in your tummy. “I love you y/n. Our relationship is sad but beautiful and that’s what makes it worth fighting for. I love you and you love me. That’s all we need. We’ll be okay.”

We're in a beautiful and sad relationship We make each other shine (Tell me now) Like the moon and the river And we hug again You got me feeling like a psycho, psycho People keep telling us As we fight like it's our last But then we get along They don't get it It's so funny Right psycho, psycho (Like a psycho, psycho) We're fools loving each other so much (Fools, fools) Without you I feel dizzy and sad I feel low People say we make a cute couple Hey now we'll be okay Don't look back Like that let's be who we are I feel you with all my body Everything will be okay You got me feeling like a psycho, psycho People keep telling us As we fight like it's our last But then we get along People say we make a cute couple Hey now we'll be okay

[that-there-is-a-wierd0]

‘I’m sorry Erie’ (AEwVS one-shot)

[Alice, Erie, Tiara] Major spoilers for the game/ angst/ hurt and no comfort/ mild depictions of violence/ depictions of panic attacks

Hiii. Guess who made another advanced education one shot :). Not that I haven’t got to the history level yet, and this post may be edited for grammar mistakes and inserting additional trigger warnings if need be. Nonetheless, hopefully you enjoy :P

Somewhere in the History level, a water fountain sloshes lazily. The ambient noise of water splashing can be heard from all over the level, creating a soothing and natural lullaby, enjoyed by both staff and students. The sound of papers shifting can also be heard. Smooth thin surfaces lightly scratching against rugged, cold tile. A body shifts, desperate for warmth, barely mumbling about the chill they’ve grown accustomed to.

Sometime around 2:00 AM, Alice Freudenmacher continues to shift uncomfortably on the pathetic pile of papers she calls a bed. She opens her phone, and peers at the time with silent despair. Once in a fetal position, she rolls on her back and opts to stare at the ceiling. She’s already tried playing Tetris for some hours, but she’s grown bored of doing so nearly every night of the week. Turning the screen off, she huffs out of frustration before deciding what she wanted to do with her time. Too mentally exhausted to revise history questions and too frustrated to simply lie on her back, Alice thinks that going for a walk will do her good. Maybe if she spends some energy walking, then she would get tired and finally get some sleep.

Alice hesitantly lifts one leg at about 45 degrees, and let it hang in the air for a minute.

Nothing.

Alice smiled. This must mean that Tiara left a while ago, and she was left alone in the level. Tiara would have forced Alice to stay still, as she is disturbed by major movements. She puts her leg down and uses both to get up from her paper pile, stretching in the process. She’s still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, so she does not need to do anything else before pocketing her phone and beginning to roam. Alice begins to walk around her level, no longer concerned with the time. Her bare feet make soft taps on the tile, lost to the echo of the empty level. She walks towards a wall and gently places her hand on it, feeling the light and aged wallpaper beneath her palm. Keeping her pace, she continues with her mind on automatic, until the gentle ambience of splashing water can be distantly heard.

With her ears perked, Alice makes her way to the marble water fountain. Alice does not know where it came from, nor how the school would collect the funding for that type of thing, but nonetheless, it’s here. She walks over to the edge of the fountain, barely gazing her reflection in the dark. She briefly captured the neutral frown on her face, her eyes naïve yet darkened with fear. Without much further observation, Alice knows she has changed.

Much has changed since the curse started.

First, it was everyone around her. Since Mr. Cleany was a friendly person, he and she both got along pretty well. But suddenly, he became more involved with cleaning trash than anything else, leaving Alice with few others to talk to. In the math level, she was disgusted with the state of the cafeteria and preferred to stay away. Laura and Viktor won’t talk to her much either, citing that they had ‘more important things to do than talk to a measly human’. In the language level, Marzia would make snide remarks about how Alice was ‘undeserving’, given her small affinity for Erie. Phonty held the same attitude. She chose to ignore their comments, but they did not hurt any less.

She was so grateful to have Erie as a partner.

Erie was strong and was able to defend her from the verbal abuse of the other staff with rebuttals of her own. She had a confident attitude, and rarely backed down from challenges the staff or students presented her with. But she was also sweet and gentle, telling Alice that she is her favorite human, telling Alice that she loves her, that she will do anything for her, living for her.

That Erie would be there for Alice no matter what.

Alice breath lightly caught in her throat. Unwelcome memories start flooding into her mind, and no matter what Alice tries to do, she knows that she will have to relive what happened between her and Erie.

One day, as the curse was re-activated by Angell getting a notebook answer wrong, Tiara took over Alice’s body. Large black tendrils shot out of her body, tearing some new skin and breaking through where scabs had once formed. Alice could do nothing but cry out in distress as Tiara dominated over her once again, her mind fuzzy and numb.

“TIARA!”

Startled, Tiara quickly looks up. Stomping towards her was that robot girlfriend of hers, Erie. Just by the looked of unfettered rage of her screen, Tiara readied to defend herself.

“LET GO OF ALICE! YOU DO NOTHING BUT HURT HER!”

Not as fluent in English as Viktor, Tiara only hisses and growls at Erie, sending the same message. Tiara forced Alice to crouch as she brings up all four of her arms to the air, ready to fight.

If she could, Alice would be shaking from the emotional conflict. She knows that Erie is only trying to protect her, and she knew that what constantly happens to her body was not at all healthy. She’s always miserable cycling between sleep schedules, allergic reactions to spores, eating habits, and having no control over her body. She hates having to feel her wounds constantly reopen over and over again, the blood soaking her back and making her clothes stick. She hated all of it.

But by extension, she knows Tiara was no better fighting off the curse than Viktor. Alice can feel her personal isolation, her persistent longing for Viktor’s company, her lost desperation to save Tarwill World, her misplaced anger. Alice was aware that Tiara had come to a completely new dimension, with nothing to her name, and no one to talk to.

Fear was the emotion that bonded Tiara and Alice.

Without any control, Alice takes a front seat to Tiara lashing out at Erie. She jumps forward with her arms bared. Anticipating the attack, Erie lurches back, making sure not to get slashed by her foe. As Tiara focuses on slashing, Erie continues to sidestep her, noting the pattern of which her arms were being used. Luckily, Tiara’s tendrils were long and not scythe-like, so Erie easily grabs two arms, and seamlessly transitions them into one hand. That leaves the other two. Holding on to a pair, Erie utilizes her height and sweeps Tiara under her feet. Being unable to account for the imbalance due to the body she was in, she falls flat on her back and is pinned down by Erie, her other hands pinned by Erie’s knees.

“I WON’T LEAVE!! NO WANT!!” Tiara cries angrily.

Erie is blank faced. She slowly draws a small red plant from a back pocket and gently brings it to Tiara’s face.

“And I don’t think I gave you an option.”

Alice felt the rising anxiousness that rose within Tiara’s chest, uncomfortable and suffocating. She never felt Tiara being scared before, just angry most of the time. Now, waves of nausea were making their way through Alice’s torso. She had also never seen the crueler side of her girlfriend either. Maybe moody, but never so calm like the brewing clouds of a catastrophic storm.

Erie finally brought the plant in contact with Tiara’s face. All hell broke loose inside of Alice.

Tiara begins to scream at pitches that Alice never previously imagined, one that bring a dull ring to Alice’s ears. Tiara begins to howl from pain and thrashes against Erie’s weight, desperate to be free. Alice feels the panic, fear, sadness, and regret amalgamating in her chest, running through the polymorph’s body. Her vocal cords were suddenly ragged and choked as Tiara continues to struggle. Her skin felt like it was a flaming inferno that slowly melted her flesh.

Please stop! Please stop! Please stop! Please stop! Please stop! Please stop! Please stop!

Finally, Tiara’s control seems to be weakening as she surrendered, and Alice seizes the opportunity to regain control of her body, the nuances of physical senses fully returning to her. Alice began coughing due screaming. As she recuperates, she can somewhat process what Erie was saying.

“Alice! Are you ok?” Erie gently asks as she gets off of Alice, tendrils now returning within her body.

“I’m...mostly fine.” She responds as she softly lays a hand on her side, nervously eyeing the wound where Tiara once was. She clears her throat.

“W-What was that plant you produced Erie, if I may ask?”

Erie grinned, a smile that Alice was strangely wary of.

“So, one of the students made it to Viktor’s home. And there are poisonous plants that can deter Tarwills! I told the student to bring one for me, so we can get rid of Tiara!” Erie said with enthusiasm as she looked down at the ivy in her hands. Alice also gazes at the plant, but with horror. Being a history teacher, she was somewhat interested in the history of the Tarwill’s existence. At her pestering, Viktor vaguely stated that their home was invaded by a plant, and said that he wished to speak of it no further.

That plant…it must be the one Viktor mentioned!

Alice spoke without forethought.

“Erie…no…please don’t tell me you hurt Tiara.”

She was met with confusion.

“What do you mean? Do you think it’s fair that she hurts you, but you don’t want to hurt her?” Something was coming, and Alice was scared of what may happen if she pushed this conversation. But, strangely enough, she still wanted to fight on Tiara’s behalf.

“But I don’t want anyone to get hurt. I think…I think I understand how she feels!”

Erie, dumbfounded, retorts with anger.

“IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT SHE FEELS. What matters to me is that you are ok. I could care less about Tiara! I’m tired of seeing you miserable all the time because of her.”

Alice felt an inkling of repulsion. Surely Erie was not so…inconsiderate?

“You have a point my love, but I think that does matter! You need to realize that Tiara is hurting too, and she can’t control her actions during the curse!”

“Then why can’t she just leave your body and go find someone else to pester, huh? I should not be arguing with you about this, it’s ridiculous that you offer yourself to someone that always hurts you.”

Both of them knew they were past the point of return.

“That’s not what I’m doing! I’m just trying to help and understand her! She doesn’t have anyone to talk to! She can’t go to Viktor; he only sees her as a threat!”

With Erie’s emotions fully derailed, she screams.

“I NEED SOMEBODY! I NEED YOU, ALICE!”

Both of the jolted from the sudden action. Alice’s passive nature made her and Erie’s relationship practically fight-free. And yet, here they were screaming at each other, casually misunderstanding each other.

Erie is the first to get up. With tears, she refuses to say anything more to Alice. The old conversation topic that always goes in circles was nothing new to either of them. What was new was the fight. Erie simply walks away, not bothering to heal Alice’s wounds. Alice so badly wanted to scream for Erie, to run back and embrace Erie with her arms. She wanted to be forgiven, to forget what happened between them. To tell Erie that she loves her forever and she’s sorry and that she’ll never act that way again. But she can’t, because that would mean ceding her point. And Alice did not want to give up on Tiara.

And just like on that day, Alice can only double over and sob into her palms.

Somewhere, as a hidden spectator watches Alice, they turn with silent and heavy footfalls to one of the level’s many walls. Making sure they are quiet and far away enough from Alice, they carve a message into the wall, big enough to be highly noticeable. They linger at their work for a moment, before gently sinking to the ground as a mask.

“I’M SORRY ERIE”

[olliedollie1204]

everything fits (2/8)- the follow up

Single father Patton is utterly devoted to his son Virgil. Recently divorced Logan is utterly devoted to his twin sons Remus and Roman. The pieces come together.

Pairings: Romantic Logicality

Word Count: 4,795 words

Tags: Single dad Patton and kid Virgil, Divorced Dads Logan and Janus and kids Roman and Remus (their split was mutual and their relationship is good)

chapter 2 babey! this chapter features that past romantic Loceit-- just a reminder that there’s no drama or conflict regarding their divorce at all!

warnings for general discussion of divorce, siblings bickering, brief descriptions of injury, and arguments between ex-spouses!

(Read it on AO3!)

Logan mostly pushed the morning’s incident out of his mind, switching gears into what Janus lovingly referred to as his “Robo-Teacher” mode. After he relieved the substitute from her position watching his class, he wasted no time in getting the second graders back on schedule.

They were good kids, if a bit rambunctious, but Logan enjoyed the work. Children are so much brighter than society gives them credit for. All they want is what anybody would want: to be heard, and respected, and taken seriously. Logan could understand that; he remembered feeling exactly the same way when he was a child.

So even though he had a reputation as a stickler for rules, order, and schedules, he actually didn’t mind too much when a student would interrupt math time with an unrelated question like, “Mr. Croft, why can’t we drink hand sanitizer?”, or when one would come up to his desk during silent reading with a request of, “Mr. Croft, can you tell us about stars, please?”

He would simply nod and change the subject, giving an impromptu lecture about alcohol poisoning or Alpha Centauri, and within minutes his pupils were satisfied and engaged again.

This attitude was a little unorthodox among his peers, but made him a hit among the children. Every holiday would result in his desk being covered in candies and coffee mugs and handmade cards (which he saved in his bottom right desk drawer— every single one).

So the day was not wholly unenjoyable, even though it had gotten off to a rocky start. Truthfully, he really had never once been late to work, not even when the twins were little.

Logan sighed to himself as his work was once again interrupted by thoughts of his children. At least he didn’t have any reason to worry about them at the moment. They were happy, healthy, and safe— three things that were becoming harder and harder to maintain in his prepubescent sons.

In hindsight, babies are remarkably uncomplicated compared to the minefield that is nearly-teenage children. Babies simply have certain physical, mental, and emotional needs that must be met in order for them to grow up happy, healthy, and well developed. And Logan, not to brag, was very good with babies.

Especially cute little twin baby boys, with their gurgling coos and their sweet smiles and their tiny, pudgy hands, one for each of their daddies to hold—

Logan shook his head, attempting to read the words in front of him for the third time, but he still found his mind drifting to his sons.

That was the main problem, really: Logan was constantly thinking about the twins.

The thing is, there was really no reason for Logan to worry as much as he did. Roman could be a little self-absorbed, and Remus had no concept of a filter whatsoever, but they were generally kind, courageous, and so unbelievably creative, it made Logan wonder where on Earth they got it from. Certainly not him; the arts were admittedly not his forte, although he did know a great deal of trivia about art history. And although Janus was crafty and charming, even he had to admit that he had no idea where the boys got their innate sense of innovation and originality.

Logan hummed, tapping his pen against his desk as his mind drifted from his children to his ex.

His relationship with Janus was about as healthy as ex-husbands could be— you’d think that getting divorced from a lawyer would be hell on Earth, but Janus Sanders had gotten to be one of the top attorneys in the city for a reason. He was so furiously thorough at ensuring everything was fair and just in their divorce papers, Logan hadn’t doubted for a second that everything would end on equal terms.

He’s a good man, Logan thought, not for the first time. They still liked each other, but they weren’t in love, not really— not anymore. It had taken them so long to get to the point where they could make that distinction, and even though they knew it would’ve been easier to carry on in their marriage, neither could deny the somewhat sombering realization that their separation was for the best.

That was a year and a half ago. And things were good between them, sometimes better than they were when they were married, but if he was being honest, Logan just missed his kids.

He had stayed up all night last night thinking about them; their goodnight phone call had been cut short when Roman burst in on Remus’ time, begging his brother to help him add something to their current art project before they had to go to bed. And Logan understood how important their projects were to them, he really did, but he couldn’t deny the twinge of hurt when the line went dead, his sons on the other side of the city. They might as well have been a world apart.

So he had gotten very little sleep the night before, and this morning, he had overslept.

Logan knew, rationally, that it was not a big deal: he had immediately called the school, requesting a temporary sub to watch his class, and set about preparing for his day. He lived relatively close to the school, so despite the increase of morning traffic due to him leaving at a later time, Logan knew he would be there before a substantial amount of time had passed.

But still, it was the principle of the thing, to be on time for work. And then he had remembered that he needed to make those photocopies for his students, and he had been in such a rush to get to his class, until—

He paused, letting his mind drift to the interaction he had had with the man— with Patton— this morning. He found himself flushing a little, even hours after the conversation, as he thought back on the awkward way he had first invaded Patton’s personal space, then spoke to his child without his permission, and then proceeded to continue to converse with him when he and his son were very clearly in a hurry.

And Patton had been so polite, trying to let Logan know he didn’t need to walk them to the office, and he had replied, what? ‘It has nothing to do with you’? ‘I would be going this way regardless’?

He groaned internally. It was not a pleasant interaction to look back on. Normally, he would push it out of his mind altogether, but…

But Patton had been kind, not judging him for his somewhat stilted way of speaking. He had asked him about his kids, a topic of conversation which Logan could never possibly tire of. And he was clearly a doting father to Virgil, who was, in Logan’s professional dad opinion, objectively adorable.

He hadn’t meant to duck out right before the two of them had to leave; he had seen Virgil coming to rejoin his father, and Logan could tell that the boy was at least moderately uncomfortable around him. He had quickly stepped away to give them space, entering the break room and beginning the photocopying process, but when he heard Patton make a comment about getting Virgil to his classroom, he suddenly realized that he couldn’t let them go without saying something.

So when he saw that they were mere seconds away from stepping out the door, he acted without thinking, calling out Virgil’s name on a whim.

He remembered how the two had turned to him, identical looks of confusion on their faces, and how he had scrambled for something to say to the shy boy, something that would perhaps make up for all of the mistakes he had made earlier in the conversation.

So he took a swing, and complimented his hoodie.

In no way could he have predicted the reaction he got. Virgil, who up until this point had barely even looked at Logan, broke into a delighted smile, chirped “Thank you!” in a clear, sweet voice, and waved his free hand at Logan so hard that the hoodie sleeve flopped around in the air.

And Patton— Patton’s reaction was almost as good: the half-second as he registered that Virgil had spoken to Logan directly, and the uninhibited joy in his face as he looked at his smiling son made Logan feel… well. He didn’t know what exactly that smile made him feel. Maybe satisfaction, that he was able to help Virgil in a way that made Patton so happy? He pondered it for a moment more before shaking his head. Feelings were really not his area.

And right before they left, as Virgil practically skipped into the hallway with Patton in tow, the two men met eyes yet again, only this time there was something different in Patton’s gaze— not just friendliness, but like he was… exceedingly grateful. Yes, that was it. His gaze was full of gratitude for Logan, for the small act of kindness that apparently would leave a big impression on his son. Then he, too, raised his hand and waved at Logan, and Logan waved back, and then the door shut, and they were gone.

Logan stared into space for several seconds, picturing Patton’s smile in his mind’s eye, before straightening up in his chair. He would think about this interaction in greater detail after his work day ended. In the meantime, he picked up a pen, continuing to decipher the scrawled handwriting of his students.

He was glad his class had electives for the last section of the day; he had the classroom to himself for 45 minutes up until the final bell, which usually gave him plenty of time to finish his work before the school day officially ended. But today, his attention kept drifting to the clock on his desk, until he looked up as it read 2:03.

His fingers twitched slightly as he did the math in his head: school let out at 2:00 on the dot, his classroom was on the second floor of the main building, and it was approximately a five minute walk to here from the gymnasium; so if two little boys were to, hypothetically, sprint at full speed from the gym as soon as the bell rang, in order to come join Logan in his classroom, then they should be arriving right about—

“Dad!”

Logan dropped his pen, spinning haphazardly in his desk chair just in time to catch the child that was diving in to wrap his arms around his waist.

Immediately he felt himself break into a large smile. “Hello, Roman.”

The boy in his arms pulled back, grinning wildly. Both of his sons were on the scrawny side, but Roman was already building up a bit of muscle mass, while his brother seemed content with somehow becoming even more gangly and bony with each passing day.

“Where were you this morning?” Roman demanded, shifting to sit on Logan’s knee.

“We thought you got hit by a bus!” Remus interjected with glee, running in to give Logan a quick hug before hopping up to sit on a desk.

Roman frowned. “No, we didn’t,” he insisted. “I said you were probably running late, and— oh!”

He suddenly tugged on Logan’s shirtsleeve. “And Remus called me stupid! This morning! He called me stupid, Dad!”

Logan shifted his eyes to his other son.

“Remus?”

Remus shrugged, not looking sorry. “He said something stupid. You’re never late.”

“First of all, although it’s true one might say something which may be qualified as ‘stupid’,” Logan began, rubbing circles on Roman’s back as he lectured Remus, “it’s inappropriate to assume that a single statement is indicative of one’s intelligence. Second, don’t call your brother stupid, you both have big, beautiful brains,” he continued, planting a kiss on Roman’s temple, which the young boy attempted to duck away from.

“And third,” he finished, “Roman was correct. I was running late this morning, and I did not arrive until school had already started.”

“Ha!” Roman exclaimed in a gloating fashion. Remus seemed unbothered by being proven wrong, instead leaning forward to taunt, “I’m gonna tell Papa you were late for school!”

“Please do,” Logan replied dryly. “He’ll probably find it highly amusing.”

As he spoke, he reached into his desk drawer, pulling out two packs of fruit gummies. Both boys gasped as Logan passed one to each of them.

“Thanks, Dad!” they said simultaneously, ripping open the snacks. Logan grinned.

“Now, if my memory is correct, I believe it is Remus’ turn to tell me about his day first.”

Roman’s jaw dropped. “No, it’s not!”

“That was rhetorical,” Logan replied. “I am positive it is Remus’ turn. You went first yesterday, because you wanted to show me your paper mache project. Remember?”

Roman paused, then groaned. “But that’s not fair!”

“Yes, it is!” Remus jumped in, his mouth full of gummies.

“Not!”

“Is!

“Not!”

“Is!”

“Not!”

“Is!”

Logan sighed. The twins would literally keep this up for hours if he let them.

“Time out,” he interjected. The boys shut down immediately, turning to him with matching sheepish expressions, and Logan would have to remember to thank Emile again for suggesting he and Janus implement that technique back when the boys were first learning how to talk.

“Roman, will you please staple these papers for me while Remus talks about his day?”

Roman huffed and slid off of Logan’s lap, sticking his tongue out at his twin as he did so.

“What would happen if I stapled myself?” Remus asked Logan with idle curiosity. “Would it hurt?”

“Depends on where, exactly, you stapled yourself,” he replied as he passed Roman the stapler and stack of papers.

“My finger?”

Logan hummed. “It would hurt like a pinch, but as long as you pulled the staple out smoothly and made sure to disinfect and bandage the wound afterwards, you would be fine.”

“Can I try it?”

“If you feel like you need to experience the pain in order to learn why you shouldn’t staple yourself, go ahead, but I will not feel sympathy for you when you get a booboo.”

Remus wrinkled his nose in disgust. “Don’t call it that, I’m not a baby!”

Logan bit back a smirk. “Of course not.”

Roman cleared his throat.

“Excuse me,” he interjected. “Will you start talking about your day, so that I can talk about my day?”

Remus made a face at his brother, but he did turn to Logan and begin rambling about his day, from the bus ride to school to the food they had for lunch to the game he, Corbin, and Sloane played at recess. He was halfway through explaining the increasingly incomprehensible rules for the game (something about who could perform the most dangerous stunts on the playground equipment while simultaneously answering trivia questions about their favorite cartoons) when Logan caught sight of the clock, realizing almost fifteen minutes had gone by.

“Switch,” he interjected the next time Remus took a breath.

“Aw, what?” Remus protested as the two boys swapped places, Roman hopping onto the desk while Remus grabbed the stapler.

“Your bus arrives at 2:30, and I still need to hear about Roman’s day.”

“But I didn’t even get to tell you about the bee that got in the classroom,” Remus grumbled.

“Save it for tonight,” Logan commented absentmindedly. Silence followed for almost two full seconds, which was a clear sign of trouble with the twins.

Logan looked up from his gradebook to see the two having a silent conversation. Whether it was from growing up attached at the hip or a genuine case of twin telepathy, Logan couldn’t be sure, but very often the twins could convey rather convoluted ideas to each other using only their faces.

“What are you hiding?” he asked bluntly. Both children jumped.

“Nothing!” Roman insisted, turning and giving him what he probably thought was a winning smile (it was, but Logan would not be distracted).

He turned to his other son, who was suddenly very interested in sorting the papers into neat piles.

“Remus?”

“Hm?” he replied, looking up innocently. “Did you say something, Father?”

“Boys—”

“We’re going to a sleepover tonight!” Roman blurted out. Remus groaned.

“Why did you say it?” he asked accusingly. “You suck at lying.”

“Stop.” Logan held up a hand. “Explain, now.”

Roman took a deep breath. “It’s Sloane’s birthday today, and he invited all of us—”

“He invited me, and told me you could tag along—”

“Falsehood! The invitation had both of our names on it!” Roman shot back with a dirty look at his brother. He turned back to Logan, continuing, “He invited us and Elliott and Corbin to a sleepover at his house, and, um, he said we could come over at six, and we know we usually do our goodnight call at nine, but—”

“You will ideally be busy gorging on pizza and playing video games at that time,” Logan finished, giving them a measured look. “That’s why you didn’t want to tell me?”

The boys looked down in guilt, nodding.

Logan toyed with the pen in his hand.

“Come here,” he said suddenly, patting his lap.

Roman and Remus hesitated, glancing at each other for a moment, before Remus bound over and sat down on Logan’s left leg. He leaned his head on Logan’s shoulder, and Logan’s hand instinctively came up to stroke his hair. Roman soon followed, taking his spot on Logan’s right leg.

Logan gave an exaggerated groan. “You’re almost getting too big for this,” he said, bouncing his legs as much as he could under the boys’ weight. They both giggled at the movement, each clutching onto his shirtsleeves to avoid falling off.

Logan took a deep breath. “I love you.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “We know, Dad.”

Logan leaned forward to kiss Remus’ forehead, causing the young boy to squawk.

“I love you,” he said again. He turned his head, catching Roman with a kiss on the cheek.

“Ew, Dad!” Both boys were blushing at the display of parental affection, but they were smiling, too.

“I love you,” he repeated once more. “Nothing you can do will ever change that. Even missing our goodnight call.”

Both boys seemed to relax, and Logan felt his heart swell a little bit.

“Don’t lie to me again,” he finished sternly.

“We won’t!” the twins chimed in unison. Logan fought the urge to roll his eyes.

“Falsehood,” he muttered, before asking out of pure curiosity, “What was going to be your excuse for when nine o’clock rolled around and I didn’t get a call from you?”

“Rats chewed the phone wires,” Roman and Remus replied instantly. Logan registered this for half a second before he let out a bark of laughter.

“That makes perfect sense.”

~

“So, the boys are at a sleepover tonight.”

“Yes, I walked them over to Sloane’s house about an hour ago,” Janus replied, his smooth voice losing its hypnotic effect over the phone.

“And when, exactly, was I going to be informed of the whereabouts of our children for approximately the next 18 hours?”

Silence came from the other end of the call before Janus gave a huff of annoyance. “They told me they told you about this days ago.”

Logan smirked, holding the phone between his shoulder and ear as he carried his dinner to the dining room table. “I’m beginning to see why we should not trust our children to act as go-betweens.”

Janus heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry, Croft. I don’t have any idea why they would lie about something so minute.”

“Falsehood, we both know they were doing it to protect my feelings,” Logan replied in a clipped tone.

“You know, I did think it was weird when they insisted they would be okay making their goodnight call from Sloane’s house,” Janus remarked idly. Logan could picture him sitting in his home office, his feet propped up on his desk as he spoke. “I had assumed they had reached some level of maturity where it’s not embarrassing to love their parents.”

“An obvious mistake on your part.”

Logan could also picture the smirk Janus was currently trying (and failing) to suppress. “Clearly.”

Logan resituated himself as he sat at the table, turning on speakerphone and placing the phone next to his plate.

“Speaking of our children being liars,” Janus continued, “Remus had this crazy story about you being late for work.”

Logan reached over to pour himself a glass of water from the pitcher. “Crazy indeed. I didn’t arrive until almost eight.”

“And the school descended into anarchy and chaos,” Janus deadpanned.

“My students were merely happy for a break,” Logan replied. “I should’ve slept in a little longer to give them the entire morning off.”

The conversation fell silent for long enough that Logan leaned over to check that the call hadn’t dropped.

“You overslept?”

Logan blinked in surprise at Janus’ incredulous tone. “Correct.”

“You. Logan Croft. Overslept.”

“Is our connection failing? Are you having trouble hearing me?”

“Logan,” Janus said with the air of someone who was explaining something very simple. “I have known you since you would bike to school on four hours of sleep and three energy drinks, stay awake in all eight classes, go to at least one extracurricular after school, work retail for a few more hours, do homework until you passed out, and then do it all over again the next day. You have never overslept in your life.”

“Falsehood,” Logan replied. “In fourth grade—”

“Why did you oversleep today, Croft?”

Logan paused. “I was… thinking,” he admitted.

Janus waited a few seconds before prompting, “About…”

“About the boys,” Logan confessed, suppressing a sigh.

Immediately Janus dropped his overcasual schtick. “What’s wrong with them?”

“Nothing at all,” Logan rushed to reassure him. “I was merely reminiscing about some of their childhood antics, and it prevented me from going to sleep on time.”

“… Antics like when they accidentally ripped a book of stickers they’d been fighting over for an hour, and proceeded to scream like banshees in the middle of a crowded Walmart?”

Logan smirked. “Antics like when they ran around the house with pull-ups on their heads, calling themselves aliens and demanding we take them to our ‘leader-ers’.”

Janus snorted with laughter. “Oh, God. I’ll have to find those pictures for their next birthday party.”

“I’m sure they’ll thank you for bringing up such delightful memories in front of their friends.”

“Snarky today, aren’t you?”

“Only for you, Sanders.”

A companionable silence fell as Logan finished his dinner.

“Are you okay?” Janus asked, gentle in the way he only got when he spoke to Logan or the twins.

Logan hesitated for just a moment before answering, “Of course.”

“Because if you want to take the boys out somewhere tomorrow night, I’m sure they’d—”

“It’s important we stick to the schedule,” Logan interrupted, a touch more defensively than necessary. “It’s your weekend with them, and I don’t wish to complicate things.”

Janus paused, and then scoffed. “It’s not… complicating things if you want to spend time with our children, Logan.”

“You’re already sacrificing one of your nights together for the boys to attend this sleepover,” Logan insisted, feeling himself becoming increasingly irritated that Janus wouldn’t drop the subject. “I don’t want to take another night away from you.”

His ex-husband’s voice dripped in derision as he cooly remarked, “I love how it doesn’t even cross your mind to consider that the two of us could possibly spend an evening with our children together. So glad to know you would rather spend your night alone than have to be near me for even a sec—”

Logan hung up, his hands shaking as he attempted to hit the button to end the call. He hadn’t realized he was clenching his jaw until he forced himself to release the tension in his body. He closed his eyes, taking deep breaths in through his nose and out through his mouth.

Logan had known Janus for over half his life. They had been married for almost as long— 18 and fresh out of high school, Janus insisting he was only doing it for the tax benefits right up until Logan had kissed him in the middle of city hall. They had spent the last decade raising their sons together.

Logan did love Janus. Which is why moments like this, moments that reminded him why they shouldn’t be together, were so particularly painful.

He continued to fume for a few moments, replaying his ex’s callous tone and harmful accusations, but his mind also drifted to how he had shut down Janus’ genuine attempt to be considerate of his feelings, how abruptly Logan himself had left the argument when he didn’t know what to say.

The anger seeped out of him, replaced with something akin to shame. Logan curled inwards, leaning his head on his hands.

It made sense that all of their worst fights in recent history had been over their children. Janus was an excellent father, Logan recognized, his thoughts turning somewhat bitter as he continued, a better father than me—

Suddenly he saw Patton’s face in his mind. Patton smiling at him kindly when Logan had slipped up and made his divorce obvious. His quiet voice, telling Logan, ‘I reckon you’re probably a really great dad’. Logan focused on the words, allowing himself to remember the sincerity in Patton’s voice.

It didn’t make sense how much comfort Logan found in the memory. Patton didn’t even know him, had never seen him interact with any children besides Virgil, and even that had started off poorly.

But for some reason, when Patton had reassured him, Logan wanted to believe him.

Logan realized he had been staring into space for a few minutes, finally shaking his head to bring himself back to reality.

He reached over to grab his phone, muscle memory taking over as he dialed the familiar number, but when it rang in his hand Logan remembered that his ex was just a little bit faster than him when it came to self-reflection.

“I’m sorry, Logan,” came Janus’ voice as soon as Logan answered. “I didn’t— I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sorry.”

Logan sighed. “I apologize, as well. Ending the call in that manner wasn’t productive or healthy.”

Again Logan could visualize the way Janus was waving his hand in the air dismissively.

“Pobody’s nerfect.”

Logan’s lips quirked into an involuntary smile. “What a ridiculous statement. I had assumed an attorney would have a more advanced vocabulary than that.”

“Lawyer, shmawyer.”

Logan laughed lightly, and he swore he could hear Janus’ grin through the phone.

“While I do appreciate your offer,” Logan eventually continued, breezing past the topic of the previous argument, “I have plans tomorrow evening regardless.”

“Oh?” Janus questioned casually. “Hot date?”

Logan scoffed. “An all-day teaching seminar,” he replied with distaste, “in which a group of corporate-funded administrators are going to spend twelve hours lecturing the faculty of the top school in the state about how we need to be making them more money.”

Janus clicked his tongue in sympathy. “Plus on Monday, you’ve got that parent-teacher meet and greet thing at the school.”

Logan paused for one, two, three seconds, before letting out an unceremonious, “Fuck.”

He heard Janus laughing on the other end of the call. “Sorry I said anything.”

“No, it’s fine.” Logan heaved a sigh. “I had forgotten that was this week as well, and I still have to prepare packets for all of my students’ guardians—”

He froze midway through his sentence.

“Logan?” he faintly heard Janus ask. Patton’s smile flashed through his mind again.

“Yes,” he responded, a little too quickly. “I apologize. I just remembered I have more work to do than I thought, and I will need to hang up now to complete it.”

“Uh huh,” Janus replied slowly, sounding unconvinced. “Cough twice if you’re being held hostage.”

Logan coughed once, pointedly falling silent.

“... Oh, you’re funny, you know that? Just absolutely hilarious.” The sarcasm in Janus’ voice was palpable, making Logan grin.

“Goodnight, Janus,” he said with affection.

Logan could hear the fondness in his ex-husband’s voice as he responded with a quiet, “G’night, Croft”, before the line went dead.

Logan turned his phone over in his hands, his mind far away. The likelihood that Logan would see Patton again at this event was causing him to feel a strange sort of tension. He didn’t understand it. Why was he still thinking about this man, this stranger, really, who he had spoken to for less than five minutes?

Logan couldn’t answer that question. All he knew was that he would most likely have trouble falling asleep again tonight.