#I could go on forever but I won't
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Farkas finding the Dragonborn after their first time turning. Farkas being furious with Aela and Skjor but prioritising getting the terrified, naked and bloodied dragonborn to safety. Farkas giving the dragonborn his cape to wrap themselves up in for modesty. Farkas tending to their wounds. Farkas using a gentle voice to soothe them as they panic from being disoriented. Farkas letting them sleep in his room because of how scared they are. Farkas telling them about his first time turning and how badly it went. Farkas bonding with the Dragonborn over how scary the beast blood can be. Farkas not leaving his room until the Dragonborn is ready and recovered. Farkas helping them drink and eat if they took a beating. Farkas brushing their matted and dishevelled hair. Farkas holding the dragonborn that night if they have nightmares about the beast blood. Far-
#I could go on forever but I won't#Farkas#Angst#skyrim#the companions#jorrvaskr#companions skyrim#farkas skyrim#Hircine#Werewolf#tes v skyrim#Whiterun#aela the huntress#Aela#skjor#vilkas skyrim#Farkas x oc#dragonborn#Ldb#Farkas x ldb#Fluff#Comfort
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Zelda!!
This poor girl I love her so much and I wish her all the best with her knight
#I could go on and on#about how she compared herself to him#and blamed herself for not living up to some impossible standard#but i won't because id be here forever#so just enjoy the artwork#loz#loz botw#loz breath of the wild#zelda botw#zelda fanart#princess zelda#breath of the wild#botw#botw fanart#fanart#art#digital art#botw zelda#legend of zelda#legend of zelda breath of the wild
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okay okay vampire obi-wan and anemic human anakin who goes to be his meal at like a fancy vampire bistro that pays willing humans to "donate" blood (get bitten) and tastes like shit whomst obi-wan then tries to take care of (in all the ways he can from sunset to sunrise) first so his food tastes good (bc anakin keeps coming back) and then because he cares
sends cookbooks to his apartment, tries to get him to go to the doctor, sends him other little gifts when he sees thinks that make him think of anakin, obi-wan just like wants to take care of his boy because he's clearly not taking care of himself (he signed up to be vampire food so that much should have been obvious) and obi-wan just wants him well is that too much to ask?
they fight about this often. (first: "how did you get my address?" "It's on the form you filled out to be here" "invasion of privacy much?" then: "you could always just... choose someone else?" "and let another vampire suffer from your lack of self care? absolutely not."") ("i don't know why you're putting so much into this? "i must have nothing else to do.") ("if this bothers you so much... just let someone else feed off me." "no.")
anakin stops showing up to be dinner for a few weeks and obi-wan gets worried. but he's not sure how far he's allowed to go in his worry, they're technically just... predator and prey (though obi-wan wouldn't describe them like that) it's just that no one tastes like anakin (that's definitely it) and nobody sasses him like anakin, and nobody is anakin and anakin is missing and clearly if he's been gone this long he can't possibly be okay
(and obi-wan is right, anakin isn't okay. he's in the hospital with an arm that might need to be amputated (but it was obi-wan's favorite place to drink from since he won't touch anakin's neck for reasons he WON'T explain)
(if you asked obi-wan why he didn't bite anakin's neck to begin with, he'd heavily imply there's no reason, but when pressed, it would be that anakin let's out this breathy moan when he's bitten, and it's music to obi-wan's ears, a symphony to his soul, he doesn't think he'd survive it if that was right in his ear, he'd have to kiss the boy then and there, have to keep him, and he can't do that, so his neck is off limits. it is IMPERATIVE anakin does not know this)
and he's lost a lot of blood and he's suffering and not alone because ahsoka and padme keep visiting, but he doesn't know how much he misses obi-wan until he isn't seeing him)
so one night obi-wan goes to anakin's apartment to see he isn't there and hasn't been there in weeks based on sent, and panics because what if he drove his beautiful boy away, or what if someone went after him, and obi-wan can't go in bc vampire rules say he needs permission and also it's good manners.
eventually anakin comes back to him, sans one arm, apologetic because "i know that's where you liked to bite" as if that could possibly be the reason that obi-wan is as upset as he is when he comes in. "i'd understand if you need a different meal," he says, as if that's all he is when obi-wan refuses to bite him because for the first time, he looks fragile and that's heartbreaking
so anakin leaves and obi-wan is gobsmacked, flabberghasted, realized anakin waited to have this conversation as close to sunrise as possible so obi-wan couldn't follow him out of the bar, but he doesn't realize that his vampire would absolutely run into the sun for him (except quin and satine 1000% don't let him "that's not how you get your man, he doesn't want a pile of dust, where's that going to get you, man, think for just a fraction of a second")
so obi-wan send anakin more little gifts, things he can puzzle out one handed as he gets used to being an amputee, trinkets he might enjoy, notes that are meant to make him smile, or that say he'll find somewhere else to feed on the boy if that's going to get him to come back when nothing else has worked. all he wants is to let anakin know that he's he's appreciated, make him feel wanted and loved.
eventually anakin sends him a note back with his phone number and then texts him to come over. he makes obi-wan stand on his stoop for an excruciating amount of time and he gets a lecture about personal space, and respecting people's wishes and "it doesn't matter that you're 300 years old, some people just don't want anything to do with you!" and anakin tries to say all of this with a straight face, before he cracks because he misses obi-wan and it is an act, and he's been in love with this vampire since he decided it was his job to take care of one human that wasn't taking care of himself.
then anakin kisses him and gives him a goofy grin and asks "what are you doing just standing there?"
"are you inviting me in?"
"i guess i am. you're stuck with me though, i'm your problem now."
"darling, you've been my problem for a long time, and i wouldn't have it any other way."
and eventually they fuck, and obi-wan bites anakin's neck, and here's his symphony played out in the most desirable circumstances. and they live happily ever after
(until anakin pesters him about making him a vampire "so i can be your problem, permanently" and they argue about it, but agree that anakin gets a life first "you've gotta be at least 40 before i turn you, i'm not going around looking like i forever robbed the cradle!" "you're not even 40! 25." "nope." "fine, 30 then, final offer." "and if I say no?" obi-wan's grin is feral, like he knows he's lost but he's still willing to play the game. "i know you won't" so does obi-wan)
#obikin#fic ideas#obikin fic#i'm so sorry for the number of parentheses in this it is obscene#this might be more than an idea#i might need to write it now#because it's 1000 words now and i have ideas#you can fit so much guilt in obi-wan and this seems like the perfect place to do it#obi-wan who doesn't drink from people more than once most of the time because it can be addictive to the human#and he doesn't want to subject anyone else to his fate#vs#anakin who just loves it because it's obi-wan in spite of his nagging (or partly due to it)#who is fascinated by this man who doesn't seem interested in him like that and won't bite his neck#so he wants to see him break but also maybe wants to hold and be held#they're obsessed with each other. if their friends have to hear anymore about these religious biting experiences#they're going to explode#i feel like i could go on about this forever so i'm going to stop now and maybe outline it for real#vampire au
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I know im biased bc ive written it multiple times but there is just something so !!!! about second chance romance jegulus. I have so many feelings about it
#I know ive posted about second chance before#and how much I love it#because well I won't go on when ive already done a post about it#but JEGULUS#second chance!#it should happen more#its always wolfstar#which is great#BUTTTT I do think jegulus just *hits* with second chance#jegulus#james x regulus#I could write second chance romance forever actually#second chance romance
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I'm sorry for the person I'm about to become after witch hat atelier news drops later today
#WITCH HAT MEANS SO MUCH TO ME.#I need everyone to read witch hat atelier. it is my one wish#I promise not to spam but I'm about to become the “unfollow me now this is the only thing im going to talk abt--” meme in my personal life#I could talk and gush about it forever but I won't do that in public here u_u
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qpr jean and neil. that's all i'm gonna say.
do you see my vision?
#i might add onto this later but right now I'm too busy crying#“misplaced forever partner” ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT DESTROYED ME#neil ordering a hit to keep jean safe changed my brain chemistry#i need them to be friends#i need them to call each other and gossip and send each other stupid memes that only they understand#i need them to slowly grow closer as they heal until one day they can finish each other's sentences#and they ocassionally make super dark jokes about their trauma out of the blue (they bet on how people will react competitively)#i need them to call each other derogatory names but get Super Upset whenever anyone else talks shit about the other and offer to kill them#and i would love them to reclaim the spots next to each other that riko set#and make them their own#they're not partners on the court but they sure as hell are partners in life#the mcs ever#at one point andrew and jeremy are just looking at each other across a table at a restaurant as these two bicker#and realize they have somehow both become the Third Wheel despite the fact that 1) there's four of them and 2) jean and neil aren't dating#the amount of queer platonic pining i could fit in these traumatized people#the: “i'm lowkey obsessed with you but I Really don't like you romantically and I don't know what to do with it”#and the: “oh thank hell me too i thought i was even weirder than i already am. wanna go harass the fbi with me?"#jeremy and andrew watch this trainwreck both exasperatedly and proudly you can't convince me otherwise#cannot convince me that these four won't somehow end up living in each others pockets even if they live 1000 miles away#kevin pops in frequently as his usual wonderful diva self#anyway i'm going insane how yall doing#neil josten#jean moreau#all for the game#the sunshine court
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transcription under the cut!
The worst ship chart ever.
Ship name: Loopdile
[insert very tiny math] Ages: 43 and 31? Age difference: 8?
Portrait of Odile with an eyebrow raised saying "I'm not telling." Name: Odile. Gender: trans woman (maybe nb but idrc rn). Sexuality: Aro lesbian.
Portrait of Loop with a finger raised saying "I'm not telling~" Name: Loop. Gender: Nonbinary (??? what is identity). Sexuality: Ace bi
General sliders. "Relationship starts quickly vs the slowest burn you can possibly imagine" is marked fairly close to slowly and trails off towards slow burn. "They'll be together forever vs They'll break up after 2 months tops" has two marks, one at 2 months and one really close to forever. "Cute couple vs dear god they're ugly" is marked a quarter slider away from cute. "Reasonably healthy and normal relationship vs They're dying and getting killed and hurt man" has a wide mark all the way from the halfway point to a quarter away from healthy. "Extremely popular ship vs literally no one ships this but me" is marked fairly close to no one.
Specific sliders. "Giddy and happy to be in love vs they just killed themselves 40 times in their head at the idea of being in love" has loop at died and odile fairly close to died. "The madoka vs the homura" has loop at homura and odile a third of the slider away. "Telling anyone who will listen about their partner vs rarely brings up that they're in a relationship" has loop a quarter away from telling anyone and odile fairly close to rarely. "eats and/or encourages a healthy diet vs eats dry instant noodles only" has loop at noodles and odile a third away from healthy. "crazy ass vs truck freak" has loop at crazy ass and odile fairly close to truck freak.
Tell me why your ship is interesting... go!
What draws them together? Odile is the only motherfucker that can handle them; Loop is weird and intriguing.
What stands in the way? Poor communication skills; Loop is clingy but Odile often needs space; Loop lashes out and self-isolates.
What are their good traits? They're both hilarious and dedicated to the bit; they're both devoted to their loved ones.
What makes them hopeless at romance? Odile is aro-spec and uninterested in romance; Loop both hates/fears and craves romance; Luckily they can just be something stranger!
Describe them with one trope: found family, deadpan x emotional, secret third thing, I'll protect you from yourself.
#suicide mention#these are today's headcanons... tomorrow? who knows.....#so. the weird sliders.#siffrin had a low grade crush on odile which. obviously didn't instantly come to fruition but it's not exactly a slow burn situation eithe?#and then during sasasap and isat loop's emotions about everything ever were. not doing great#they come out of canon a total mess#and odile's like ...i could fix them. NO WAIT IM NOT DOING THAT.#so again the thought is there and. a little more slowburn y this time. but only for a specific part of the dynamic#and then there's kinda a slow build of loop's new dynamics w everyone in the group?#and the thing with odile escalates into being a Thing#but again it's hard to call it slow burn bc there's no like. line to tip over into dating.#but it's not *instant* either#it's a snowball gaining speed downhill#ok next weird slider#oh yeah#they 'break up' fairly often as one of loop's 'this is 100% a joke and not my real feelings at all' bits#even though they're not dating and they don't actually want to break off whatever shit they do have going on#it's a way to express a need for change#BUT the whole family is in it for the long haul#and loop and odile's dynamic may shift over time but again. there's no 'breaking up' line#so they won't necessarily be [together?] forever but they will be together forever#and then it's. not an *unhealthy* relationship but it's not normal either lol#with a whole range of behaviors between 'genuinely helpful to each other' and 'lmao what the fuck guys'#ok those r the weird ones! the rest are obvious right. like ofc odile is closer to truck freak 🙄 but not entirely
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hiiii ^^ beastlife fishie analysis. spoilers ahead. etc etc
okay so. the main point of this is simple. I don't think the salmon head cursed c!fishie. Explaining that is the harder part I think. also i'm going to refer to the salmon head thing in e5 as "the incident" from here on out because frankly i think it's funny
Let's start with the incident. The big day. etc. What happened? Why did it happen? Obligatory third questioning statement? Well. She was gifted the salmon head for her birthday by kiwi(or like. someone in the kiwibird system. -bird system. the birds). Immediately upon receiving it she relives parts of season one and fishie herself doesn't really acknowledge it. The other players definitely notice but im not caught up enough in any other pov yet to like have thoughts on that I'll come back to that point someday. Fishie seems shaken, sure, but she moves on so quickly, especially considering what happened just there. 37 seconds of standing frozen, unresponsive. she recovers in 5 seconds. And seeing how she reacts later on to realizing the memory situation--if she was aware that happened, she would probably be concerned by it. She puts it on for a brief second at the end of the party and takes it off immediately. She's otherwise normal -- well. as normal as she is otherwise up to that point. Because that is also how she acts with pretty much any salmon head, even just kiwi herself.
I raise: Episode one, about 8:20 in. The slow zoom on kiwi as the static overtakes every other noise. This is the *exact* same behavior displayed when fishie receives the salmon head, albeit without actual concrete old video footage style flashbacks. In episode two (28:55ish) the same thing happens when she looks at the salmon head in moch's house, but this time there is technically a flashback -- kiwis grave. Fishie moves on immediately and doesn't acknowledge her behavior at all, and, seeing as it is fishie, im inclined to believe that means she does not know she is doing it. Fishie (when alone) will discuss all of her problems in immense, and usually misguided detail (bestie i promise kiwi doesn't hate you???) to the audience and/or herself. I mean she's not alone in episode one, and it is technically presession, and i guess getting struck by lightning is a decent distraction from your problems, but in episode two? She is completely alone. There is nobody with her. She went looking for moch and moch is not there. She still doesn't acknowledge the fiveish seconds she is completely frozen. This happens again and again with kiwi and salmon heads.
And then that leads you to e5. The incident. She's. well. she's doing worse. 0:50. "This will distract me if i leave it up." This is the first mention from fishie herself about how fucking weird she's being, and even then she doesn't seem concerned. I think she does not realize she's being so so incredibly weird about it. If the static and freezing is what's referred to as "distraction" then keeping it in her inventory makes it worse actually so it wouldn't really make sense unless the way it is distracting her is NOT the. well. whatever the fuck is wrong with her (affectionate). After she puts the head on there's the static all the time but for a short brief amount of time she's like significantly more normal and i don't really know if that means anything i just think it's really funny.
And then we all know what goes on during the incident i'm not analyzing this video frame by frame. um. i could. but i am not going to right now. And then she has the conversation on the table with kiwi where she like is normal for 5 minutes. Like genuinely the most. i guess stable? fishie's thought process is is like in the moments directly after the incident. She is immediately understanding with the antikiwi situation, they come to an agreement that they're like. okay now. "thank you for everything and im so sorry i couldnt do more" / "it was short, but it was nice" "i knew what i was getting into when i married you" etc etc and then they kind of rush it at the end because people won't stop dying. But then fishie is fishie and takes it in the complete opposite extreme (from. um. whatever was wrong up until now. to "oh kiwibird must secretly hate me because" and then there's no real good reason she's just like that) and it's also an issue. And i think the season two memory thing is also a part of that but this is so long already and so i'm not going to get into it rn. So bringing all of this back to my original point: the salmon head was not the cause of the curse(?) because she's been so weird all the time forever and the salmon head thing was just like. an effect. of whatever went Wrong(tm) in the season transition. like the head was a vessel to Be Worse about it but i feel like it would have worked with any salmon head she got her hands on and that it happened to be kiwico was a coincidence and also that the head wasn't cursed at all there's just something deeply wrong with fishie s3 in general and uh yeah 👍
I'm so sorry this is so disjointed i had a thesis statement and everything. alas
#whisp whispers#fishie beastlife spoilers#since i had to rewatch videos these tags will serve as going insane about details i missed that were irrelevant to the post#i could make a whole thing on the parallels between fishie and bree. 'at least im not the only one with a troubled love life' yeah i guess#this is taking me ages to finish because if i think about beastlife fishie too long it genuinely spikes my heart rate#i think there's something wrong with me#fishie and bree both leaping at the oppurtunity to trade with their exes is so funny to me#someone should do indepth research about the way fishie interacts with dingo because i haven't been paying attention to it#by 'someone' i mean me because i'm the only one who can do that. other beastlife fan if you see this. holds out hand do you want#to make an analysis post with me .......#i appreciate kiwi trying so hard to do bug facts because bree's moth take is toooo insane for him. we can yes and the alien bit he draws th#line at incorrect moth facts though#'im neutral this is just fascinating' <-really funny in retrospect#*this is also taking so long forever because i keep distracted by whatever the fuck is wrong with everyone that i can't remember how to lik#put things into words#for what is a housewife without a house and no longer a wife?#'sorry guys it's just gonna be a lot of decorating today' YOUUUU. YOU. (<quote from beginning of e5)#ratchelor pad guitar riff is horrid on 2x speed. never do this what i'm doing right now#one of my irls is still in awe of the 6person boogie kill (or rather how nobody noticed fishie preparing the 6person boogie#is it boogey or boogie#does oku falling off a pillar and dying in the middle of fishie lore also count as a fishie proximity death#fishies curse is that people won't stop dying in the death games#also hiiiii fishieeeee you said you enjoyed analaysis. um. this one went a little off the rails i think and is more theory than analysis#posting this and disappearing off the face of the internet. cringe is dead but like. i mean you get it
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oh no, accidentally awake at 4am which means it's feel-weird-about-things time 🤡
#fandom behavior and archival tendencies are both inherently weirdo behavior but also so very important#so many niche interests of mine just vanish into the depths of time and the internet as accounts get deleted and websites go down#so many videos i used to love that I'll never see again. so much of my own art and writing gone with old fansites in the 2000s#so many things i wish i could see or read or experience again just gone forever and it makes sme want to hoard EVERYTHING#but then i feel SUPER WEIRD for hoarding stuff about bands because they're just... some dudes. across the planet. I'll never meet.#like why am I doing that??? its weird??? i feel weird about it????#anyway i promise that even if I stop posting to this blog someday that I won't deactivate so people can still access it!!!#mod talks
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never understanding y'all who hate shakespeare or studying shakespeare because ONE shakespeare fucks very hard and TWO if you are in like middle school high school it is the easiest shit to study i mean the EASIEST if you don't like to read shakespeare you can go to YOUTUBE DOT COM and type in ANY OF SHAKESPEARES WORKS and you will find a FULL PRODUCTION OF IT for FREE you SHOULD follow along with your book but you don't HAVE TO because you're experiencing shakespeare in the WAY IT WAS MEANT TO BE EXPERIENCED and you will ENJOY YOURSELF and you will LEARN SOMETHING and this is the ONE OPPORTUNITY YOU'LL EVER HAVE IN LIT/ENGLISH/WHATEVER TO WATCH THE "MOVIE" VERSION OF THE BOOK I CANNOT BELIEVE PEOPLE BITCH AND MOAN ABOUT HOW BORING AND DIFFICULT SHAKESPEARE IS!!!
#insufferable theatre freak nonsense#i fucking LOVE shakespeare#as literature but first and foremost as THEATRE AS IT WAS MEANT TO BE EXPERIENCED!!!!!!!!!#and it's the easiest shit to study#like hello it is pretty much word for word translated onto the stage#these writings are so sacred that people won't fuck with any characters lines or plot points#it's way better to study shakespeare watching in tandem with reading you will understand it so much better#i could go on forever#hate hate hate how schools teach shakespeare because he fucks heavily and is way cooler than the way we're taught it#it is a DAMN SHAME that i was the only person in most of my classes who actually enjoyed studying shakespeare#because i was already into theatre and i actually understood it#you have to be able to UNDERSTAND it to ENJOY it and the way we teach it doesn't teach understanding!!!!!#i'm being 100% fucking serious if ur studying shakespeare rn cause you have to for school look up a production on youtube and read along#you will actually understand what they're saying because it's being ACTEEEEDDDDDDDD#LIKE IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE!!!!!#okay anyways#theatreposting#shakespeare
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tagged by @onconstellationstreetmp3 to pick five of ur fave films & have ppl vote on which matches ur vibes the most THANK U YAYYYYYY
tagging @cropcircling @brigittefitzgerald @anyonebutromeo @moonyslesbian @battlechick & @catacombchrysalis IF u wanna do this obviously!!!! + if u haven't already been tagged <3
#last one was way too hard i've got the first four down bc they're my letterboxd four movies but what of the fifth......#but back to the future is rlly like. has been my movie for a while so i feel like i HAVE to put it up there bc it feels weird not to. it#just should be up there u know. but shoutout 2 the runner-ups ily runner-ups i won't name bc i'll go on forever but anyway btwn 4-5 stars#on letterboxd means it was up there in the runner-ups. ALSO i've completed the circle aka music + character + movie ❤🙏❤#there actually might be more bc u could do books too. or shows. haven't seen those around though so idk if they exist.#WELL ANYWAY TRIO COMPLETED YIPPEE!!!!!!#r.txt#tag games <3
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My bike wouldn't start yesterday and it was SUCH a perfect day to ride :( it's not the battery/fuses/clutch switch, don't thinkkkk it's the side stand switch/deadcut/ignition button. I rode it 8 weeks ago and it was perfectly fine but I'm having trouble getting it into gear so I couldn't even bump start it after pushing it all the way to the top of the hill :( lol just me on my walk with my 125kg bike.
#i've been meaning to remove the side stand switch forever. nearly stripped the damned screw. fucking thing's made of cheese istg#the clutch hand lever has had play for ages but I've never had issues getting into gear while riding#the whole damned bike is so fucking moldy tho. I need to strip it down and clean EVERYTHING inside that's exposed to air anyway#sunny day job#anyway I'm 100% sure I can fix it. I'll tighten up the cable and if that's a no go then I'll buy another start motor and try that#'won't start' seems like such a simple issue but there's like 10 different things it could be lol#motorbike#text tag#OOhh my print is ready
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I hate the whole Lord Chaos arc, but at least it gave us this incredible panel:
#i hate terry long with a burning passion#he fascinates me because he's written in a way where I think he could be interesting#like if they let him be a predator who slowly gets more controlling#and like let Donna deal with being in an abusive situation and let the others grapple with the fact they failed to see the signs#that could be fantastic!!!#but I know they won't do that#and it frustrates me to no end#god I'm going to have to write a fan fic about it now#also i should say that I actually I'm only on part 4 of 9#but it feels like it's been going on for /forever/ because they basically already started it like ten issues ago#the new titans#terry long#anti-terry long#donna troy#tara markov#troia#team titans#total chaos#the new teen titans#i read comics#(also if anyone knows a good fan fic that covers this topic that already exists please let me know I'd rather read it than write it)
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hey if you're a minor and dealing with adults not listening to you and being treated miserably by programs and people claiming to help you know that i love you so so so much and i promise one day you'll escape and the damage may scar instead of fully heal but you WILL make it. I believe in you. Stay strong. i know it's so fucking hard and unfair but you can do it.
#ri rambles#speaking from personal experience#i love you. you'll be so happy you made it one day.#I know it stretches on forever. god i know. time will pass. you will do it.#you might need to mask to survive right now. it sucks. one day you won't have to#issue with getting older: seeing so many minors in situations you can't save them from and wishing so hard you could#im glad some of you have good parents or i might actually go insane
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Being self aware is literally hell I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy
#diary#god I could rant about about this forever#tw mentions of assault in the tags dont read if that makes u uncomfortable#im kinda getting tired of people asking why i dont date 🤩 it sends me into a mental spiral hahahaaaaa#i just tell people im not looking for anything serious rn but its a big fat fucking lie because i DO want to date#but i think my nervous system is so shot from living with my dad still and he can be so emotionally abusive it's insane#it makes me not trust my judgement because shitty behavior is so normalized and i KNOW whats Right and Wrong but im so used to keeping the–#–peace because its a survival tactic for me and always has been#like when people like me i think one of two things usually:#1) they're genuinely interested in me and i hate myself so much i cant understand why anyone would like me#or 2) theyre interested in me for my body which is both easier to understand and terrifying because people in the past have hurt me because–#–they wanted to be with me. read between the lines for that one#because of how i grew up and what I've experienced i genuinely do not trust people. i trust no one fully and it kills me#i feel so fucking guilty all the time bc most people arent out to get you but that wasn't the case for me#i feel like i cant grow as a person because im stuck in a survival mindset. i KNOW why I people please and i hate it#i genuinely do love people and i want the best for them but its also ingrained into my head that if something is wrong it's My Fault#and there will be Consequences#back to dating though#there are so many reasons I do and dont want to date#i call myself a Helpless Romantic because there's no way I'll be dating in the near future. i cant just go on dates I have to know you for–#–a while and build trust. but what if it ends badly and im the idiot who cant take a goddamn hint and realise love isnt meant for someone–#–like me?#i grew up knowing my parents hated each other and “stayed together for the kids” whatever thet means. like that fucks with your mind#seeing my mom being mistreated by my dad made me snap out of the disney movie princess x prince charming daze everyone else was in as a kid#i realised very early on that relationships won't save you and can actually be the worst thing to ever happen to someone#theres more to this but ive already said enough lol. anyway
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i <3 feeling like i'm literally always making the wrong choice
#every passing day i dig a little deeper the bottomless debt i owe my parents#monetarily and morally#and god i wish i could kill myself but noooooo i tried again and i can't fucking do it i can't#so i just. i don't know i want to be incapacitated i want to be in the psych ward forever.#i don't want to fail and never make enough money to pay for their retirement home#i don't want to have to visit them every god-knows-how-often#i don't want to be fifty years old and still having to exist in relation to my parents#and god they've done nothing BAD i shouldn't want to cut all contact with them#but it's so. i don't know. i don't know how people even do it.#like you always have to come back home you always have to act right you always have to think abt them and text them and call them#and nothing you do is ever right and you want things that can't coexist with their happiness and peace of mind#and you're an asshole in every way you're an asshole deep down and you're an asshole outwardly too#but you can't stop wanting stupid things and acting weird and demanding#and it's a curse upon them to have you near but it's literally so fucking ungrateful of you to stray away a little#and you still do it because you can't stop wanting to follow things instead of keeping to your resolutions#and trying to do the best for them#and nothing is ever the best for them it's always just bad choices cause you shouldn't even exist you're just wrong you're born wrong#you don't want things that are good for them too and you're not capable of good things#dad wants to go on vacation at his family's like twice a year. mom want to stay home and take care of business and relax this year too#even now that grandma is gone and doesn't require her to be near. cuz emptying the flat & all of that.#and it's just. cool cool i make the wrong choice whichever way.#if i stay with mom i'll make dad's family sad and inconvenience my mom and leave dad alone#if i go with dad i'll leave mom alone (also alone to work on the flat) and i'll be an annoying asshole to dad and his family#because i'm too stupid and egoistical to pretend to be fine with things that mildly inconvenience me for five seconds#and either way i won't do any fucking work because i'm a sad piece of shit and i'm going to fail the fuck out of school next year#broadcasting my misery#vent
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