#“misplaced forever partner” ARE YOU KIDDING ME THAT DESTROYED ME

[shorlinesorrows]

qpr jean and neil. that's all i'm gonna say.

do you see my vision?

[clonerightsagenda]

Kanaya’s arc part 2: Cherubquest onward

Canon doesn’t really have Kanaya and Terezi talk, which is kind of goofy considering they are theoretically friends, played a killer game together, and then lived together for three years.  So we do that.  They both confess that they have seen other people is more capable than themselves, which is a common problem.  Impostor syndrome, I guess.  Also, in the refuge of the bubbles and in the presence of probably the person with the most fucked up love life choices, Kanaya finally admits her concerns about her relationship. Although she feared that calling Rose on her behavior would might lead to a breakup, she now worries that her reluctance to act has destroyed them from the inside out.  She is also hurt that Rose concealed these things from her because it feels like a betrayal.  As I’m reading this I’m realizing that my more recent Kanaya updates were not all that original and kind of repeated a bunch of shit I already said.  Oh well.  We’ve been going so slowly I’ve forgotten stuff. 

She references her quest again and reiterates that she is happy to have it, but she also suggests that she’ll be happy to finish and be able to set out on something of her own.  Just because we’re content to do something that was asked of us  doesn’t mean we want to do it for the rest of our lives.  She doesn’t want to be defined solely by that role - the role of always dedicating herself to others heedless of her own desires or needs.

One would expect a space player to have a sense of space.  So I think it’s fitting that it is Kanaya who ponders what exactly counts is home for these kids at this point.  Their old planet?  The meteor they spent the last three years on?  Instead, despite her spatial orientation, she identifies not a spot but a group of people as their true home - the people they spent the last few years with.  That’s the home that they can take with them.

When the girls meet Vriska, Kanaya brings up her worries that she did not act enough.  However, Vriska suggests that it probably wouldn’t have changed anything and might have made things worse.  When it comes to light heroes who can accept constructive criticism, she doesn’t make the top of the list, not that any of them love it.  The conversation between the two isn’t a lot, because I’m really focusing on the sisters, but I did want to give them some sort of closure, considering they had the whole red pale thing going on.  As a side note, you think that would come up at least a little bit in the retcon universe, considering they were in the same place, and Vriska is shown having a heart next to her after Kanaya punches her. But who knows.

On to the first update I stalled this response for. Allegedly Kanaya’s outfit here is based off some sort of metal gear thing, because Gill just does that all the time now.  Don’t ask me what or which one.  I’m pretty sure that’s why she has an armband, although the explanation we’re going with is that Rose tried to start knitting her a scarf and never finished it.This conversation starts with Rose brooding, because that’s just what her family does.  When she mentions that her universe is dead, Kanaya gently reminds her that she’s not the only one.  Kanaya also lost a world and a mother.  This reminder isn’t meant to belittle her feelings, but to let her know that she’s not alone, and she doesn’t have to feel like it’s just her against the world. Space heroes often end up in emotional labor source-sink relationships, and you really see that play out here.  At the beginning of the conversation, Rose is angsting, and Kanaya is doing requisite supportive body language.  We see a little bit of her insecurity peek through

KANAYA: It Got Us Here KANAYA: Thats Not All Bad  KANAYA: Right

But she is quickly reassured.  Like I said before, space players tend to deal with what’s in front of them and not stress as much the alternate possibilities.  As far as Kanaya’s concerned, shit happened, and here they are. She is more worried about the responsibilities lying in her future than other ways things could have gone when she knows they had no other choice. As the conversation goes on, though, she begins to voice more of her fears.  A big theme of this conversation is stewardship are motherhood and how to take care of things.  Rose’s stance is more aggressive.  To protect someone, you have to destroy what might harm it.  Kanaya isn’t so sure about that, but she is worried about the responsibility of bringing back an entire species.  That’s a lot to deal with, especially when you’re a kid and your world is gone.  The world isn’t great, and she has to deal with the responsibility of subjecting her future charges to that.  Parenthood is hard.

KANAYA: Echidna Handed The Burden Of An Entire Race To Me And Everyone Expects Me To Carry It KANAYA: They Believe I Can Do It Because I Have Been Carrying So Much For So Long

She is also learning to start admitting some of her stresses instead of being the typical space player burden-bearer.  More on that in a bit.

KANAYA: Not To Mention As An Agent Of Creation Both Through Space And Prospit I Can Tell You When The Balance Has Been Struck KANAYA: To Avoid Any Too Reckless Acts Of Destruction Merely To Break With The Old KANAYA: If You Dont Mind That Is KANAYA: I Dont Want To KANAYA: You Know

I mentioned this before, but we see back in act five that Kanaya’s worried about accidentally wandering into the pale quadrant with Rose.  She also doesn’t want to give the impression that Rose needs watching or that her job is simply to rein her in, however, she does want to help with her endeavor. There’s a difference being the one trying to control someone, and being a co-collaborator in their efforts. Despite her thinking that Rose sometimes may be too reckless, she also knows that is part of who she is and would not want to lose that. 

On to our most recent update. If you go back and read early scenes, Kanaya is at her most awkward and funny when meeting new people, so I played that up here with Roxy and in her later walkaround logs. 

In this conversation, Kanaya finally escapes the typical space player source-sink emotional labor relationship. Instead, she is honest: about her fears of smothering Rose, about her drinking problem, and about frustration she feels over Rose’s addiction. She also admits to her own insecurities, especially in comparison to her dancestor. “I can control myself,” she says. A lot of her story is about control. She enunciates carefully. She grooms topiary into beautiful shapes. She tries to keep the social dynamics around her orderly. I think part of the reason she keeps mum about her problems is because it betrays that facade of control, and admitting her addiction problem does too. However, that silence only prevents her from truly getting a grasp on her situation. Sometimes you have to loosen your fingers a little bit in order to get a better grip. 

Moving on, I honestly thought she would make use of all the blood she purchased in canon. She didn't, but we do. Symbolically, she is taking a former weakness and symbol of death or loss and turning it into a chance to fulfill her quest and bring about new life. Of course, in canon they just use the ectobiology labs, which raises the question of why the orb was such a big deal in the first place, but oh well. I guess they used it for the initial population surge to keep going. Rose throws her two cents (or rainbow lifey water) into the mix, because girlfriends gotta work together. 

KANAYA: Are You Breaking Up With Me ROSE: Think of it as offering a strategic retreat, if you want to take it. KANAYA: Is That What You Want

Like I said, this is her chance to be honest. At first, Kanaya shows some of her typical passivity, responding as if she is leaving the choice up to Rose. Rose, of course, would probably then wriggle her way out of the relationship out of a misplaced sense of duty and/or the belief that she is not worth it. It's a family trait. We mostly see the angst on Rose's side of the relationship, but now Kanaya gets a chance to speak, repeating a lot of the same concerns she finally spat out earlier to Terezi. This isn’t a situation I am familiar with personally, so I did do research into how alcoholism affects partners or other loved ones. I think more than anything else this is Rose’s wake up call and what will prevent her from falling off the wagon again. She doesn't want to do to Kanaya what her mother did to her.

KANAYA: I Kept Hoping I Would Find A Way To Fix It KANAYA: But Thats Not What A Relationship Should Be

Space girls do seem to favor fixer uppers, especially Kanaya. And as she says, you can't build a relationship just on that. It's unhealthy and one-sided. However, even if they're going through a rough patch, that's not all their relationship is. And for once, Rose leaves a crucial decision about her life in someone else's hands, and Kanaya is willing to make the tough choice instead of letting someone else make a call she doesn't agree with. Communication, guys. Astounding. 

They close out the conversation by talking about having fun. This is partly because they have all had some terrible times, but also because this couple is often painted as the "boring lesbians" or "background couple" and that is silly. They're going to have a good time. 

Like I said, Kanaya still has several more significant updates ahead. I just didn’t want to sit on this DVD commentary forever. So stay tuned for the conclusion of her hereditary quest and a few other bits I think you'll find interesting. Overall though, what I tried to focus on was her putting herself first a little bit.  We know she's insecure and will sometimes avoid conflict or try to help other people even if it isn't in her best interest or she disagrees, so throughout the story I tried to make sure she stood up for herself, learn to voice her true feelings, and put her foot down when she thought it was necessary. She may not be a beacon of self confidence – I don't think any of them are – but she's doing better.  That's what we can hope for.

[srseattlestreetnews]

Seattle Street News 44, Crying For Freedom

City News:

Rally for SINless Recognition Marred by Police Violence

This Saturday the SINless and their allies gathered in Westlake Park for a rally and protest. The event brought together numerous community organizers, spoken word poets, VR artists, musicians, and even Redmond Mayor Sonya Scholl spoke briefly about the need for SINless protection and recognition. It wasn’t just a general desire for recognition that brought the SINless together this day, however. It was the crisis surrounding the kidnapping of SINless children and Knight Errant’s Law Enforcement’s lack of response paired with hope that the new administration might change things for the better of all that brought everyone together. There was an estimated three thousand protesters and rally-goers. There were young children and senior citizens. The crowd were at times outraged, at times anguished, at times inspired and full of hope. They spoke of what they hoped to accomplish.

Knight Errant presence was heavy, but local SINless community security force The Knights of Red were also on hand to keep the protesters safe. But it wasn’t enough. Someone in Knight Errant got mad and decided to start shooting at the protesters. It started with Knight Errant officer Augustus Ivan Polk, a man with a reputation for alcoholism and multiple citations for insubordination, who somehow still has a corporate badge, who shot Ork Pedro Tanaka in the belly. Pedro was doing nothing but protesting peacefully, but that didn’t matter to Officer Polk. Polk’s regular partner Patrick Oliver Mahon in “defense” of Polk also shot an unarmed peaceful protester.

The situation threatened to become a riot but the work of KE mages who cast a calming ritual alongside some moving words and song by Ork Underground activist Sarah Brown who led the crowd in a version of the song “Crying for Freedom in the Metroplex,” stopped any further escalation of violence.

Pedro Tanaka’s wife, human Aki Tanaka, well loved tattoo artist in the Barrens spoke passionately and with steely determination before the crowd in the wake of her husband’s shooting.

A Transcript of her speech:

"My husband is an Ork. So he never had a SIN. My parents didn't have SINs so I never had one either. We live in the Barrens. And we are honest people who work hard. I do tattoos and he works on a fishing boat. We have never hurt anyone in this city. We get up, trade for the things we need. We were excited for this last electionl. We couldn't vote, but we had friends in the Underground that finally could. We felt like the future might mean something good for us finally.

"We dreamt that maybe we might be able to walk in the streets outside of the Barrens without fear. That maybe we could go to one of those fancier places and get all the things we only dreamed about getting one day. Nicer food. Nicer clothes. "

"I work out of the burned out building where we live. And I babysit the building’s kids for their parents while they are out doing whatever they can do to survive. But lately some kids have gone missing. There was no one to turn to. Our babies are being kidnapped. And we don't know who's doing it.

“Is it some maniac serial killer cuttin' up us SINless because no one cares? Is it some corp kidnapping us for experiments...again? I don't know. But I've had moms and dads in my tattoo studio crying at night in pain over their missing kids and frustration that no one would listen.So that's why we came here. Because they don't think the lives of our babies matter. And then what happens?

"Some jack-booted corporate thug shoots my man. Sees him only as a SINless piece of trash that can be abused with no consequence. But we have a new governor now, there will be consequences. They took my husband off in a med wagon. But he has no SIN, so he has no medical records. I don't know if they'll actually treat him or if they'll dump him in an alley to die.

"His name is Pedro Tanaka, he is my husband and he is not trash to be dumped. He is SINless, but he is a person.

"This just can't go on anymore."

Although the police violence threatened to turn this protest into a tragedy, SSN is happy to report that, thanks to the work of some good Samaritans, Pedro Tanaka was able to get medical care and he is currently at home recovering. He isn’t able to work while recovering and so the Tanaka family could use help. Any help for the Tanaka family can be delivered to SSN, Sarah Brown, or the Knights of Red.

Despite this violence, the call for SINless recognition will not be silenced. Knight Errant, find out what is happening to our children. Governor Dzhugashvili, start a program to get the SINless recognition.

 Open Letter from Lt. Salazar Monroe Concerning the Recognition Rally Violence

Lt. Monroe was not assigned to the protest, had he been, I imagine it would have turned out differently. That said, Monroe is a man of honor and he has taken it on himself to make a statement about the Recognition Rally violence:

Dear citizens of the Seattle Metroplex,

I come to you, in one of our darkest moments, to condemn the actions of two fellow Knight Errant officers. From what I have heard from their sergeants and colleagues on the scene is that they’ve been dealt with and disciplined on-site, but my sources refuse to elaborate. I can only hope that our hands have not shed any more blood than what we have already done today. I trust that the officers who serve under me and were also present understand that we must hold ourselves to a higher standard of ethics. The city has placed a lot of trust in us and we must do everything we can to ensure that everyone in Seattle knows that it is not misplaced. They’ve been burned before, and they’re not eager to find out that they’ve made that mistake again.

What these two officers have done has irrevocably shaken all of us to the core, surely, but please know that this isn’t the Knight Errant I enlisted in, the Knight Errant that trained me, shaped me, molded me into the man I am today. These bad apples must be culled swiftly and precisely before they spoil the rest of the barrel, and though it might already be too late, it’s better late than never.

I didn’t set out to change Knight Errant from the inside, nor did I set out to single-handedly save Baltimore or Seattle from themselves. I enlisted into Knight Errant because I was sick and tired of seeing criminals of all stripes getting away with their schemes while the common man suffered. I set out to ensure that everyone had their dues, from the SINless down in Dundalk to the hotshot corporate types Downtown. Everyone gets their day in court, as it was back in the Fifth World, and as it should be in the Sixth.

I’m on personal leave right now due to...excruciating circumstances that are regrettably beyond my control, but as soon as I come back into the office tomorrow, things are going to change for the better not just for the executives but for the SINless and everyone in-between, I can promise you that. And if you think I can’t live up to that boast? There are a few people in Baltimore who can vouch for me.

Sincerely, Lieutenant Salazar Timothy Monroe

 Stoking the Fires—(by Demmalition1)

Eustace Zhalang died the moment she put the revolver in her mouth and pulled the trigger.  She’s going to die for a second time in the press tonight after they get ahold of her financial records and skewer her fresh corpse over the burning coals of public opinion.  Molotov was after her, you see, and when he sets his sights on something, he won’t stop until it’s dead or close to it.  She chose the quick way out, as opposed to being burned alive at the hands of him and his henchmen.  Oh, you didn’t know?  Yes, he’s recruiting followers like the night of the Christmas tree burning a while back.  But back to Ms. Zhalang.

As a citizen of the venerable corporation of Wuxing and a prominent name in many a circle of high society, one would think she had it all.  Money and fame were synonymous with her name, and her presence was hard to escape from even when she wasn’t in the room.  But she will forever remain a black mark on the face of Wuxing, for she was not a good woman.  She destroyed the lives of countless people by running sham charities in the names of noble causes in order to rake in funds from a gullible public.  These stolen funds were then used to prop up a multitude of failing businesses, all under her name or the Wuxing banner.  When Wuxing found out they let her go and sent her home with a generous package to placate her duplicitous ways.  They killed any investigation into her dealings as well in order to quell any negativity against a high ranking executive of the board.  Better to hide your sins under the carpet than deal with them openly, I guess.  Shortly after her forced retirement she developed lung cancer, it progressed until she turned into a bedridden grey husk at 88 years old.

She was very good at tugging at the heartstrings you see, pulling in money for orphans, SINless, even disease research.  Therein lies the rub, the roaring spark that would turn into an inferno.  She syphoned research funding that was meant for whichever disease Molotov’s wife had.  A horrible woman’s greed and depravity lead to the indirect creation of a monster who seeks nothing but revenge at the crucible of the flame.  This money would not have cured his wife, she was too far along and the time too short, but it was enough to grab his attention.  She would be an easy hit.  After all, who would care about a little old woman who never left her estate?  She was going to die soon anyways, might as well finish the job before the reaper could drag her screaming soul down to Hell.

Molotov began the hit by driving in through the front gate with a few accomplices disguised as a catering crew.  Once near the front door their decker attacked the cameras and they burst out of the van guns ablaze. Their decker did not, however, destroy the cameras as they had thought.  Their actions were all caught on tape.  They killed three guards at the front door, one at the gatehouse, and another who came outside soon after.  Once inside, the first accomplice, Bai Zhao, is dropped by a drone.  Another, Choi Zhao and sibling of Bai, was killed by a guard with an antique spear from a display (bricked smartgun).  Nearing Eustace’s last redoubt, she shoots herself before they could get inside and do the deed themselves.  I guess that would rob Molotov of some of his satisfaction. Good.  When the door was smashed open, a third accomplice, Agnes Peterson, was killed by uzi fire from a guard rushing down the hall.  Molotov then burned Eustace’s corpse and killed all staff inside be they butler or cook.  He burned their bodies as well before looting the place and escaping with two other then unidentified accomplices. After that he  burned the van a mile away from the mansion.  A total of 16 people lost their lives that night. The identities of his two surviving Hellhound accomplices are known: one is a female decker by the handle 5t@1k3r (Maria Stoyanova) and another a brute named Charles Whiteman.  Investigators already found most of the fenced goods which had tracking RFIDs and were sold well below their street value.

Here’s what we know:  all accomplices were members of the Hellhound gang, all were human, and all had a history of violence against the better angels of society.  I warned the police over 2 weeks ago of Molotov’s movements, but nothing was done because there was no concrete evidence.  13 innocents and 3 assailants died because of this.  The forces of Knight Errant did nothing, in fact they did less than nothing despite the heavily detailed but incomplete information I gave them.

I guess this is what Molotov wanted, to get Eustace’s story out there.  Well congratulations you monster, you won.  But here’s the thing, you don’t get away with the killing of someone so recklessly in both deed and message.  You are going down, Knight Errant has partnered with Wuxing to form a special task force sent out just for you, you special little firebug.  I got your home, your hideout in the Cedar Rim Apartments, and your current hideout in the Hellhound Den.  I’m watching you right now as I type this.  You will not escape The Truth, for it is a fire so pure that it will engulf you and incinerate you until not even ash is left.  You will go out dying in agony or in the deepest pit they can throw you in as a broken man.

I spoke to your sister-in-law, Rachael. She spoke of you in a spiteful fashion usually reserved for the tyrants of history.  She said you defiled Maki Adsida’s memory with your actions, and how she would be ashamed of you and what you have become.  Maki has died a second time.  She would kill herself again without hesitation had she known that the monster that she married bombs and burns innocents in her memory.  So I’ve decided to do something.  You know that picture of you and her that you had in your apartment?  The one on the mantle that I saw the night I went there, the one that was conspicuously missing?  I’ve burned it.  I’ve also destroyed the empty urn you left in her memory after you scattered her ashes.  I’m erasing anything that may associate her to you besides this article.  That will be her legacy with you: nothing.  You are a wretched man who will end up in the annals of history as a monster.  You will not make it out, you will not honor her memory, you will not win.

Come find me, I dare you.

The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong in the broken places. But those that will not break it kills. It kills the very good and the very gentle and the very brave impartially. If you are none of these you can be sure it will kill you too but there will be no special hurry.

--  Ernest Hemingway, A Call to Arms  --

 Corp News:

Reflections on the Matrix Services Market

The article is one of a series looking at the current state of individual corporate subsidiaries in the Seattle Metroplex. This particular issue focuses on the Metroplex Matrix Services.

The Matrix Services market is the second largest Market of the Metroplex, right behind media with a value of 219.9¥B. Matrix Services are the life blood of modern society and this life blood is controlled by four megacorporations in Seattle: NeoNET (39.9%), Mitsuhama (36.0%), Horizon (16.7%), and Renraku (7.4%). Matrix Services, unlike Media, has historically been more volatile, with NeoNET viciously attacking Saeder-Krupp’s Matrix division, back in August (See Issue 24) when they still had one, and a flurry of anonymous, not as effective attacks against NeoNET’s Matrix Services two weeks later (See Issue 26). In the months since then, the Matrix Wars seem to have calmed down, but with such an important market sector one never knows what the future will bring.

SSN reached out to NeoNET, Renraku, Mitsuhama, and Horizon for comment on their view of the market, only NeoNET returned any commnent by the time of publication, though if you want a comment by anyone in Matrix Services, it is NeoNET. An executive in NeoNET responded:

Matrix services is a big, boring and, frankly, thankless business. Big, as everyone relies on it and it takes huge capital expenditures to become a significant player. Boring because it generates steady revenues with limited room to grow. Thankless, as customers only remember what company sends the Matrix bill when it stops working for them. Thankless, also, when a longtime customer such as the Seattle Metroplex unfairly terminates a contract. The current state of the market, with two leading companies and two comparatively minor players, reflects the characteristics on which it depends: reliability, to avoid a repeat of the two catastrophic crashes that took place in the last fifty years; resilience, with built-in redundancies; and fairness, as ensured by the monitoring of the recently created Grid Overwatch Division. As a whole, the Matrix services business is second only to Media, which relies heavily on it. Though remarkable for what is seen as just another utility, this fact points to the path for real growth: deliver compelling contents on the Matrix infrastructure. Which is exactly what NeoNET set out to do and why it sponsors events such as the Blast from the Past competition that spotlight the best of both worlds. Coming from the opposite direction, Horizon used the cash generated by its huge Media business to start its in-house Matrix division. Mitsuhama’s big share of the market points to Japan’s long tradition of self-reliance and defiance of foreign meddling. It is difficult to say whether there is more to it for them in the doldrums where they currently are.

Finally, Renraku’s looming presence in Law Enforcement suggests its involvement in both Media and Matrix services may have more to do with surveillance than customer satisfaction. To conclude, NeoNET can be relied on to keep doing its share in preventing a new crash of the Matrix for the foreseeable future and to deliver the best contents on it.

Again, SSN was able to get insight and analysis from one of Seattle’s premier financial analysts, Saeder-Krupp executive Vorack. Gentle readers will be asked to remember the…complicated…relationship Saeder-Krupp and NeoNET have had in the past, especially surrounding Matrix Services:

Vorack: Oh man it’s Matrix time eh, guess its time to ask a simple question. What is the Matrix? The answer is out there, readers, and it's looking for you, and it will find you if you want it to. We at SK are no longer in Matrix at all but that is mainly because of one certain corp trying to push us out in particular, but we will talk about that later. First of all we should talk about matrix as a whole, it pretty much connects the entire world and if you don't use the matrix.... well you're a liar. Look at anything and you'll find a link to the matrix in some way. It might be a product that you bought off the matrix, and let’s say you got it physically, well the person you bought it from probably filled out an order and used the matrix to make that initial purchase, and even if they didn't do that, the person who first wanted the product to be made, oh they connected with the producer through it for sure. This little interview, that's able to happen because of the matrix, all the research I do on all the corps and subs, matrix. That advertising Horizon does, oh the matrix was involved in that. You could say we are all tapped into the matrix, even if we don't think about it. As someone who personally taps into it regularly, looking for information I find it kinda weird, since unfortunately, no one can be told what the matrix is. You'll have to see it for yourself, and its something special. [SSN editor: I thought the Matrix was a series of tubes, no?]

So let’s talk about our history in the matrix, about what’s happened to it and what looks like will continue to happen to it. It started off with four corps investing in it, Mitsuhama, NeoNET, Renraku and Horizon. Us here at SK joined in at one point but we were pretty much pushed out by some heavy opposition and completely bought out later on, I swear I’ll go into details about this later. All in all, Matrix has been a safe industry to be in, as profits continue to raise and the market value seems to be constantly rising with very little infighting, well except for what happened to us, but that's another story. The first big event in this industry happened to be SK dipping our toes into the segment, but mainly using it as a platform to show off what we had been working on, show off our products and maybe help recruitment in some way. And I just want it known that SK was the first corp to do this! Matrix had never been used to specifically promote an entire AAA Corporation up to that point, we were trend setters and other companies ended up copying us later on and maybe this is why we were so unjustly targeted, but anyways. Then before we knew it Renraku and Mitsuhama did something massive, something drastic. Clearly Mitsu wanted to be the big boys when it came to Matrix as they traded everything they had in Law and Heavy Industry to Renraku for 40B worth of their Matrix division. (I gotta say this seemed to end up being a good deal for Renraku, they are one of two Corps left in Heavy industry aside from ourselves, and in Law enforcement they are only beaten out by Ares and only by a small amount). All of a sudden it was a competition to see who would be the larger force, was it NeoNET or was it Mitsuhama? NeoNET always seemed to be a bit behind and even to this day they are still playing second to Mitsu. [SSN editor: Fact Check. NeoNET is the current market leader and have been consistently in the Matrix Services market segment.]

I guess this is where I should mention the act that I've been hinting at, the unjust and outrageous attack NeoNET did against our Matrix division. Where NeoNET tried to completely reduce and destroy 100% of our industry all because we defended ourselves from them and perhaps they were jealous. I am happy and proud to say that they were ineffective at doing so and in the end they just hurt themselves. They might have destroyed 67% of our entire Matrix segment but we were able to hold them off and the entire time this transpired, we had a secret going on with their own division. I’ll admit it here for the first time, SSN you are getting one hell of an exclusive in this, I am damn proud to say we had a team of SK workers inside NeoNET's entire matrix R&D crew for well over a month and easily learned their secrets, more than enough to pay for 116% of any damage they ever caused us. The real kicker here is that us at SK apparently traded our 5.7B matrix division (which was mainly valued that high because of the work NeoNET had done and we had taken) to NeoNET for their Robotics segment which was estimated to be worth over 15B. Though I was "occupied" at this time and can’t confirm this. Seems like we clearly pulled ahead as the winners at that one.

One other main event has happened in Matrix, and it happens to feature our good friends over at NeoNET yet again. Two weeks after they attacked us, it seems karma decided to show her fickle head and something happened to them. They were attacked, over and over again and it was glorious. To this day I don't know who did this, I don't know which of the corps decided to stand up against them and in doing so, defend SK in their own way, but I have to say thank you. Be it Renraku our long time allies and friends, Mitsuhama a generally unknown and quiet competitor or maybe even Horizon the Media powerhouse, I send my thanks personally to whoever took NeoNET down a peg and reduced their market value by a noticeable 28% or a large 24B Nuyen. I don't usually condone these sort of attacks, but for this one, you have my respect and my appreciation. So who knows what’s gonna happen with Matrix, which of the two corps, be it NeoNET or Mitsu, stays ahead. There could be more attacks as it seems to have been awhile since the last major event. I know I personally have no idea what will happen. As a whole, SK seems uninterested in rejoining the division, but I would be lying if I didn't say I use Renraku's services for my own needs and I hope they continue to do well.

Vorack broke some interesting news and my own research corroborates that indeed NeoNet’s Matrix Services had been plagued by espionage problems around the time that Vorack claims SK had been spying on NeoNET. As for Vorack’s claims that they had nothing to do with the flurry of attacks that NeoNET suffered two weeks after they attacked SK (it should be noted NeoNET claims that round of attacks were retaliatory for an ealier SK transgression)? Well, maybe they didn’t attack NeoNET or maybe they did. That is something that only the attackers know. That said, will Matrix Services remain quiet? Or might it become the next battleground in the Corporate Wars?

 Features:

Once More 4--(by Breach)

On February 8th, 2029, computer systems around the world began to fail - sometimes spectacularly, actually burning out hardware in the process - as an unknown virus ravaged world networks.  Within months, the Internet - the precursor to our Matrix - lay in ruins, and distrust of communication and computers ran rampant.  Seattle’s Redmond district, once home to the greatest technological companies in the world, was especially ravaged by the virus and the subsequent riots against technology’s masters.  Now, over forty-five  years later, it still has not recovered; it’s hard to believe the Barrens were once one of the richest and most luxurious parts of the city.

The Crash Virus did more than destroy computers, as those computers ran systems that the world depended on. Safety protocols were breached globally, causing outbreaks of once-contained pathogens and experiments in population centers, as well as sabotaging the control systems of the many orbital platforms surrounding the Earth; the direct, immediate death toll of February 8th was in the tens of thousands, with the long-term death toll reaching the millions.  

The United States government organized a response to the virus; a team, dubbed “Echo Mirage”, was formed from leading computer scientists and military cybersecurity specialists.  The team utilized then-revolutionary cyberterminal technology to enter the Internet and computer systems to combat the virus directly in cyberspace.  

They failed completely.

A month later, Echo Mirage was reformed using less conventional expertise; fringe theorists, white-hat hackers, conspiracy nuts and wide-eyed dreamers were recruited instead.  Today, we’d recognize the attributes of most of the people, and it’s widely accepted that Echo Mirage was the first team of “Shadowrunners”.  

Cyberterminal technology continued to advance, and at the end of August, the new Echo Mirage team once again attempted to battle the Virus and save the Internet; and while not a complete failure, they were once again rebuffed by the destructive computer worm.  Four members of the team were killed by lethal biofeedback - destructive impulses sent to their bodies through the ASIST interfaces of their cyberterminals.  

By the end of the year, Echo Mirage has mastered their cyberterminals and discovered new ways to defend against the Virus’s biofeedback, and over the course of the next few years, they actually managed to isolate and contain the Crash Virus.  The Internet never truly recovered, but enough infrastructure was eventually saved to allow the creation of the first Matrix.  

The Corporate Court would spearhead this initiative in 2032, finishing the transition of our communication infrastructure from its government-sponsored beginning to our modern corporate-owned reality.

Questions about history? Ask Breach! breach.ssn@gmail.com

 Seattle Street News is an independent activist news source released weekly on Tuesdays or Wednesdays

[Watch CorporateSINs on every Wednesday, 6pm PST or on Youtube at, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h11c7BLFQtc&list=PLHKocVDXoWBtzze1SGGUnU6KB5UFrDLFo]

[insession-io]

The Rage Mothers Don’t Talk About

Mothers are supposed to be patient martyrs, so our rage festers beneath our shame.

“[My son] can provoke me into a state of something similar to road rage. I have felt many times over the years that I was capable of hurting him … [T]he myth of maternal bliss is so sacrosanct that we can’t even admit these feelings to ourselves.” Anne Lamott, “Mother rage: theory and practice,” Salon.com

The rage lives in my hands, rolls down my fingers clenching to fists. I want to hurt someone. I am tears and fury and violence. I want to scream and rip open pillows, toss chairs and punch walls. I want to see my destruction — feathers floating, overturned furniture, ragged holes in drywall.

When I get mad like this around my 3-year-old son, I have to say to myself, like a mantra, “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him.” Touching him with this rage coursing through me only ends in my shame, and my son’s shock, and what else I do not know; only time will reveal that. I have never hit him, but the line between “hitting” and “not hitting” is porous. In this “not hitting” gray area there are soft arms squeezed too tight, a red superhero cape (Velcro-clasped around his neck) forcefully yanked off, a child picked up and thrown into his crib. For me it is better not to touch at all. Only a few years ago, I remember judging a mother on the bus for smacking her child. Now I have only empathy for her. Mother rage can change you, providing access to parts of yourself you didn’t even know you had.

Mother rage is not “appropriate.” Mothers are supposed to be martyr-like in our patience. We are not supposed to want to hit our kids or to tear out our hair. We hide these urges, because we are afraid to be labeled “bad moms.” We feel the need to qualify our frustration with “I love my child to the moon and back, but....” As if mother rage equals a lack of love. As if rage has never shared a border with love. Fearing judgment, we say nothing. The rage festers and we are left under a pile of loneliness and debilitating shame.

The shame is as bad as the rage and just as damaging. I am afraid of my actions. Of myself. I know — know — in the deepest part of myself that this yelling, this terrifying anger is not O.K. My little boy is unfolding, blossoming more into his glorious self with each passing day. I am afraid I am destroying his bloom with my rage.

I get furious with my son for all kinds of reasons: for running away from me down the sidewalk; for not getting in the car; for not letting me brush his teeth; for spitting at, hitting and biting other children at school; for ignoring me; for eating only five monochromatic foods. In my calmer moments, I can access the wisdom of distance. I remember that his behavior is age-appropriate, that all kids test limits. But in the moment, I’m consumed by what a brat he is being. Fury does not welcome wisdom.

In this red place, I yell at my son so hard my voice becomes a growl. I want him to react. To cry or look scared. To feel my fury. I turn into a tantruming child, stomping along with each word. I slam doors, smack my hand on the counter. “Goddamn it! Jesus Christ! You’re making me insane!” I threaten forever-timeouts, no supper. I take away videos, treats, toys, privileges. When I get through with him the house will be barren, the dusty outlines where the furniture used to be the only indication that a nice family once lived there.

[How to discipline your child without yelling or spanking]

One evening, my partner, working late, calls me after a particularly rage-filled day. I am watching a movie on our bed, while finishing off all the sweet things in the house. “How was the day?” he asks. My voice is tired and small. “It was hard,” I say, trying not to cry, and I detect an edge in his voice when he asks me what happened. He knows, I think. I can’t tell him everything. He will hate me. He won’t trust me. Our son is his baby, too. I wouldn’t trust me either.

Mostly, I keep my rage between my son and me. My partner’s presence mitigates my outbursts, but sometimes my fury bubbles over and he witnesses it. He’s an even-keeled guy, so when he says, “You need to figure this out now,” I know I need to get help beyond ice cream and deep breathing.

I start working with a life coach. He assigns me a section of Daniel Goleman’s book “Emotional Intelligence.” Goleman cites the work of University of Alabama psychologist Dolf Zillmann, who discovered that the physiological effects of rage can last for days, and that rage builds on rage. Repeated aggravations — “a sequence of provocations” — can dramatically increase anger, so that by the third or fourth rage trigger, the person is reacting on a level 10 in response to a misplaced key or a dropped spoon.

The example Goleman uses is (wait for it!) a mother in a grocery store with a 3-year-old and a baby. The 3-year-old is begging his mother to buy things, pulling food off shelves and not listening when she orders him to put it back. Then the baby drops a jam jar, which shatters on the floor. The mother explodes: yells, slaps the baby, slams the cereal box down and angrily zigzags the cart toward the exit.

Of course Goleman chose this story to illustrate Zillmann’s “sequence of provocations.” Motherhood is relentless provocation! And yet we are expected to be saintly and patient, to lovingly hold and care for our babies, even at their most challenging. To dwell so serenely in the state Anne Lamott calls “the myth of maternal bliss,” that we don’t yell or curse, and we certainly don’t become enraged or violent.

Looking for help, I join a 12-week anger-management group for mothers. The facilitator encourages us to add “tools” to our “toolboxes.” We practice deep breathing through one nostril at a time, and we read about “happy parenting.” The most important part, for me, is the mirror provided by the circle of tired, sad mothers. One woman is divorced. One has a toddler at home and a 3-month-old on her breast. Only one participant is a dad; apparently, there is no class for dads who rage. Another mom admits that she wants to throw her child across the room, and the rest of us have forgiven her before she has finished her sentence. We all nod, as our bodies flood with relief that the rage has not singled us out.

Couples therapy, individualized therapy, life coaching, anger management for mothers — I have been working on my mother rage. I have not yet found the golden ticket to serenity, but I have noticed that when I manage to exercise, make art and eat healthy food, I have a longer fuse. In toolbox lingo: These things fill up my patience cup. Unfortunately, as a working mom with a small child I am not swimming in spare time, and cooking, running and unpaid hobbies often fall to the bottom of the to-do list.

I am trying, though. And failing. And sometimes succeeding. I count every small win — today I got mad and clenched my fists but kept my voice really calm! Each day I begin again: breathing in his sweet little-boy smell when he crawls into our bed and I wrap my arms around him, enveloping his body in mine; and by the end of the day, whispering to myself, “Don’t touch him, don’t touch him, don’t touch him.”

Minna Dubin, a writer, public artist and performer in the Bay Area, is working on a collection of essays about motherhood.

Kin Leung is a Marriage & Family Therapist, MFT practicing in the San Francisco Bay area. Kin specializes in helping couples overcome struggles related to infidelity, intimacy, miscommunication, mistrust, and parenting. Kin's kind, thoughtful and compassionate approach to marriage counseling San Francisco helps guide couples to a calmer and safer space to explore issues and move forward in a more productive manner.

[meandmymentalhealth67220]

17th June post from Facebook

So, I was thinking about what to write about this week in these, "getting to know me and my mental health issues" status updates. This one is kind of a tough one for me to talk about because I've been hiding my sexuality and gender identity issues for most of my life, and I'm still going to hold some of those things back because they are extremely personal and I'm in the process of sorting them out. But the whole point of this is to be open and honest and let you get to know me, so I think the time has come to explain this as fully as I feel comfortable with.

First of all, I've never felt normal or like I fit in. As a kid, I learned quite quickly not to show this off when my grandmother would hit me if I stole her lipstick or tried on her shoes. This kind of abuse was considered normal and acceptable during the 1980s. Soon, I was at school and learning from everyone that being "gay" (in this instance, everything that wasn't straight) or "kinky" (anything that wasn't gender-normative) was disgusting and wrong. This didn't change who I was inside, all it did was make me ashamed and shut off. It meant that I was somewhat confused and angry for much of my youth, especially once puberty kicked in.

And then I was angry, drunk and disfunctional in my 20s.

Now, as a teenager, I dated and fooled around. In my 20s, I dated someone for a year or so. But I never felt comfortable or happy with who I was or with them. I was going through the motions and trying to prove to everyone, and myself, that I could be normal.

Eventually, though, trying to fit myself into a box in which I wasn't comfortable started to break my mind apart. I think the first time this really started to damage me was when I got to the point where women kept thinking I was just trying to bone them when I was just trying to be friendly, and every time I had confusing feelings for some guy I would get ashamed or angry. Then, I had this relationship where I loved the person I was with considerably... but I hated myself and who I was, and it eventually destroyed everything.

When that ended, my depression and anxiety really began. There were other issues, and other things have become a part of it, but the loneliness and misunderstanding, the way that people couldn't acknowledge me as the person I was, and all the rules everyone bought into that I didn't, just shattered my sense of self-respect.

By this point, I was in my 30s, and I'd spent almost all of that time hiding myself away because I was terrified of people. The TV and everyone I knew reinforced these stereotypical ideas that I didn't really fit in with, and I wasn't brave enough to do anything other than get angry and upset about minor things that really had more to do with everything else I was actually upset about. I remember getting so upset at my parents loving Mrs Brown's Boys because, (a) it was shit, and (b) it was laughing at a guy dressed like a woman, because that is just inherantly funny, isn't it? People like that should be laughed at, shouldn't they? After a lifetime of this, I started to snap, because that was people like me they were laughing at.

It was about this time I started to broaden who I dated. In secret, often with understanding male and female partners who started to make me feel a comfort I had never felt prior to that. But the shame I had been taught to feel was hard to shake off. I met up with one guy and ran away after an hour because I was just scared I was evil and corrupt and wrong. Safe to say, that didn't work out well.

Due to these two conflicting sides of myself, and a need to get away from home and figure myself out, I moved abroad. The first few months I decided to see if I could cope with living as a "normal" person. I soon found out I couldn't, and when I came home I started to rebuild my wardrobe so I could feel more comfortable. But living somewhere where all non-straight, non-cis people are hated to a violent and legal degree, it meant that being myself meant being a shut in. It was a trade off, but wouldn't be forever, and I had already decided that five years would be my end point here, anyway.

Due to other circumstances, that became three years, but at the end of my second year I got so tired that when I came back I came out as queer. I love the term, as it sums me up in numerous ways: my sexuality, because I'm not straight or gay; my outright weirdness in that I seem to love stuff other people haven't even heard of a lot of the time; and, finally, the fact that I prefer to present as genderqueer, enjoying the fluidity it brings, because sometimes I want to glam up, and sometimes I just want some baggy jeans and a jumper.

It was really hard in my youth to define who I was because the binary was was simply gay or straight, normal or a tranny, normal or kinky. One of the greatest things about now is simply that so many different labels exist that allow us to really choose who we are when we don't fit in with boring old conventional norms.

Despite being more open, this year has been hard. In the last ten months, I've spent nine generally having to hide myself from people. Even when going out with friends I trust enough to be honest with about this stuff (in Egypt, the amount of them can be counted on one finger, no offence everyone else), I could never go out in anything but a generally masculine style. This is a problem because I prefer to skew more towards the feminine. I'm sure most of you don't know this at all, but hiding who you are inside is absolute TORTURE! Most people like me have considered suicide because of the stress of hiding their true self, and it is a 24/7 thing, and it isn't healthy. I'm lucky in that I've just reached a place where I only feel a lot of anxiety and depression, and no small amount of guilt at having to lie to people.

Conversely, my best moments this past year were ones where people acknowledged me as me, such as the care package I got from Zena Youseph one day, or Shelagh Rowan-Legg's comment when Cobie Smulders showed up at the end of Infinity War, or Alicia Duffy, Elizabeth Wilkinson and Shaun Wilkinson taking me out round Blackpool's gay bars and clubs, or John Taylor making the effort to try and ask me about stuff he didn't understand in Pizza Express, or that nice message I got from Jack Wild one day, or Carolyn Forshaw complimenting my bag, or Heather Atkins' offer to give me some advice on dressing... none of you will ever know how much those little actions helped me. Oh, and, of course, everyone else on here who had been nothing short of accepting and kind and supportive.

But I guess the biggest thank you is probably owed to Anna Grace, who has known the longest outside of me. :-)

I'm on the road to being healthier, now, and happier - so thanks, everyone, for showing me my trust was not misplaced.