#I cant let myself get to that point when I know I can prevent it

[rantz-for-st0ry]

silly funny haha moment when I need to talk to my brother Abt smth srs cus I think I'm going down the same path he did when he was my age/a little younger but Im scared of him and him saying that I'm just copying his mental issues for attention

[gay-fordeath]

.

[kraviolis]

as i get older and continue to exist online i cant help but question why so many adults got into arguments with me over fandom bullshit when i was a teenager, and yet i also completely understand why they did.

[bookofnottheaxolotl]

Chapter 0, part 6.

[Trapped alive]

(CW: existencial crisis ig)

_______________________________________

The coast hadnt been that far off when the muffin jumped into the ocean, but the current dragged them further and further away from land. By the time they washed up on shore, several weeks had past. Despite the lack of food and water, the muffin was alive. Whatever magic gem had been baked into them, it prevented them from dying.

Sadly, immortality was the last thing the muffin wanted. Conciousness, or rather mere existance, felt wrong. They should not be alive. They should be a muffin. Yet at this point blissfull nonexistance felt more like a dream than like a memory. Perhaps there was a way. For now, all the muffin could do was weep, while feeling emotions they were never supposed to experience.

[I will be writing this part after the game comes out, but in short the muffin ends up in Barnaby's dimension.]

Slowly, the forest became less dense, and a starry sky was starting to become visible. An old, large manor stood on the horizon. When the muffin walked closer, they saw it was surrounded by a large cemetary. They didnt know how to get back, so the only way was forward, towards the front door.

Before the muffin got the chance to knock, the door slowly creaked open. They causiously walked trough the hallway behind it, but didnt see anyone. Suddenly however, the door slammed shut, and the muffin found themself face to face with a giant, owl-shaped ghost. "Well hello there! You must be here for the party!" The muffins fear was replaced with confusion. "What party?"

"Oh, where are my manners? I havent even introduced myself yet! The names Barnaby." The ghost pauzed for a moment. "Now you. Your quite the frankenmuffin, aren't you? Whats your name?" "I dont have one." "Now thats a shame, isnt it. How about i call you Frank?" The muffin gave a thumbs up at the suggestion.

"Well, im afraid I cant let you in today. For one, your still alive, wich is very much against the dress code. Secondly, the party's almost over. You cant just walk in now. Not to worry though, I have a solution. Just take this friendship bracelet, so you can come back another time. Bye bye for now." And the ghost seemed to disapear into thin air.

Frank took another look at the friendship bracelet. It was black and orange, and seemed to have a glow to it. They guessed the bracelet would allow them to freely enter and exit the pocket dimension they were trapped in. The muffin wasnt any less alive, but Barnaby had seemed friendly at least.

[glitchdollmemoria]

that last post mentioning masks got me thinking about how like... i quite literally cannot wear a mask at all times due to one of my disabilities. i TRY to wear one when i can but it isnt always an option for me, which fucking sucks because im terrified of getting sick and potentially worsening the very disability that prevents me from consistently masking. and hardly anyone masks anymore so its not like theyre helping to keep me or anyone else safe lmfao. to spell it out very plainly i am PRO-MASK so dont put words in my mouth here please.

i experience heat intolerance, as a symptom of some kind of muscle weakness fatigue issue that still hasnt been properly diagnosed. my body temperature runs warm, im overly sensitive to my environment, and physical activity makes it worse. if i overheat, my muscle weakness (and nausea, and brain fog, and-) will flare up and ill be forced to rest for what could range from minutes to hours to days to weeks to months depending on how bad it is. i have to take IMMEDIATE action when i notice myself getting too warm because i cant risk that, and taking immediate action includes removing anything i can thats keeping me warm, including masks.

so when i walk to work in the summer bc i have exactly zero alternate options? most likely cant mask right away when i come in unless the weather is cooler than usual, because i need to take like half an hour for my body temperature to go back to normal.

moving around more than usual during my shift? the physical activity is gonna increase my temperature and ill have to take my mask off.

going somewhere other than work, having to either walk or take the bus? either way i have to spend time in the sun and so again i will probably need a cool down period once i get inside / on the bus, depending on how hot the weather is.

and theres an intersection here of my multiple disabilities and my poverty. i cant drive due to another illness, and i cant afford to use a rideshare service or even regularly take the bus, so walking in the heat is my only option to get to work. my work options are limited because i couldnt complete college and cant perform heavy physical labor, so i have to stick with a retail job that requires a lot of moving throughout the store, which itself is physical labor that can potentially make me sick if i go overboard.

mostly i just wanted to put this out there because i never really see people talk about actual reasons they cant wear masks, its almost always antimaskers who dont give a damn about people like me. but if you take anything from my ranting, let it be these two points:

while most people who dont wear masks are just making that choice because they dont like doing so or dont think its important anymore, a few of us out here literally cannot always mask despite knowing its a risk to ourselves and others; and

IF YOU CAN MASK PLEASE KEEP FUCKING MASKING. covid still exists! disabled people still exist! many of us are extra susceptible to the long term effects of covid! please fucking help to protect us! please give a shit about us! i feel like im shouting into the void here because i hardly see anyone mask anymore but please.

[kusundei]

its been a month or so and i keep having to just remind myself over and over that whatever happens i will live through regardless. i am moreso just fighting that guilt that i know has carried throughout my whole life and there are just so many aspects that dont help me? like at all? if anything i can just be joyous that this sort of gives me an excuse to be as sad as i am during these months. but those feelings stick and its worse because i hate winter and i get so upset even with everything in front of me and now its been amplified by like 10000x. i DO have everything but i also have nothing.

its just a whole issue of me having to be like oh well there was no point? i was supposed to be here and i was supposed to experience these things but i get frustrated by the act of healing and acknowledging because of how long it takes. but im as equally frustrated by the fact im distracted so much. i dont really get the ability to just feel and be sad and mourn and feel guilty and walk myseld through my own feelings but when have i ever??? and then again i am expressing this and letting myself feel i think by just letting myself let go a little bit. my attendance matters to me so much and missing so much school is killing me and this is the ONE year where my whole future relies on this one aspect yet i cant seem to get myself up in the morning. like on friday. i think that was just me at my core because i could not let it go and i just let myself do it. if i could im sure thats what id do all day but it upsets me that i would waste all that time in bed mopping around but also that i dont have the ability to let that happen either way.

i dont know i just keep trying to find ways to maybe try and minimize damage? to sort through it all and compromise and find my own footing here and i am slowly managing but theres a lot of things that r preventing a lot but i refuse to ask for anymore than this. it can be repeated into my brain however much but truly this sort of thing does take time and i love this family and i commend them for their hospitality and them just acting like ive always been here but regardless its hard for me to just fully be . here. and i just miss my family and i miss my room and just having that. you know? but all of this is related to my own laziness and refusal to just do shit for myself but once again i cant be bothered. this is both like the best and worst time for this to happen becquse yeah i get the excuse of oh im depressed because of this but i do this every year around this time and its just soooo much worse this time around. and i. keep. pushing it. because i dont WANT it to sink in and consume me because then itll just fuck everything up but it is so hard to stay on my feet

i dont know i just feel i need to process the majority and then gather the rest. a lot of it is just all my mom and also just my own action (inaction). whenever she plans on doing whatever stupid legal bs she wants to do then that’ll finalize shit in my head and im gonna need to start processing processing it. because if i do not tjats going to fuck me up so bad. sooo bad. i hate change so much and this is so much change and i keep having to realize i go through all this change because my mom has no patience for anyone or anything. its just so bothersome. i keep fighting that feeling in the back of my head just being like well couldnt i have just? stayed another year? lasted there? perchance my academics and my attendance would still be okay. id still be upset but i think id be able to find comfort in the familiarity of it all. i just keep choosing not tocthink of it that way specifically because a lot of things stand on alternate reasoning and regardless i dont regret leaving. its more of a just. should i have gone back when the police came to get me? but me not being there was fate and id leave that up to outside interpretation

[kuregure]

everyones saying the mahiren chapters r implying shes manipulating guren like ohhh my god ............

i totally think it's the opposite! guren understands that they're doing this together, and honestly if theyre both such evil characters they should stick together and not destroy the lives of others any further..

but i think that shes not manipulating him because guren plays an essential part in their plan which is why she says that she cant let him die because of how important he is (and obviously due to her affections for him) also thats Mahiru-No-Yo, if I'm correct..? guren isn't someone whos prone to manipulation either tbh because of the novels and such..... theres no guilt that can overwhelm him

even so i think its rlly obvious that they like each other: i mean the whole line about how they'd die together? shinjuu...

well mahiren clearly won this chapter hahaha

Helloww so yeah I saw different points of view on the topic of this chapter! I didn't go through all of tumblr because you know, the haters are back, but I saw a few posts!

I want to clarify that I'm not Kagami lmao so I have no idea who's right and who's wrong, we're not in his head and besides, he doesn't really give a clear answer.

So I'm just going to state my point of view here. first of all when I read the chapter I was AAAAA MAHIREN so I read quite quickly and I really liked the sentences "i refuse to put you in danger" as well as what Guren said about dying together. Well, no I didn't like that last part but you know what I mean, it reminded me of cat16 so I was a little nostalgic but I was sad because he seemed over the whole situation, as if he realized that he wouldn't succeed and that he was giving up. The guy's eyes are dead.

Then, Mahiru said "if you die, it's over for me" and I admit that at the time I said to myself: so you wouldn't care if he died if it didn't get to you? But then I said to myself that it's impossible since we know, Mahiru doesn't want Guren to die simply because she loves him. She always protected him. Remember, she took half of the demon on herself to prevent Guren from completely losing control in chapter 83. She told him that she was going to protect him, that everything would be okay and that she wouldn't let him get carried away. To me, it's still proof that she cares about him, even as Mahiru-no-Yo. Since yes, Mahiru no longer exists normally and this is what makes things even more complex to understand because Mahiru-no-Yo does not seem to be a demon like the others, it seems that she has retained certain things from Mahiru like her affection and protection for Guren and Shinoa (the two most important people to her). Mahiru was already a complex character, the fact that she is Mahiru-no-Yo now complicates things even more.

So I think Mahiru-no-Yo obviously cares about Guren, she doesn't want him to die because he's literally the love of her life, her light. And on the other hand, Guren is also obviously an essential piece in the plan for the resurrection of humanity, he has been working on it for 8 years and putting it in place. Then Mahiru-no-Yo also wants to continue the plan since she contributes to it herself so if Guren dies, she too will not be able to accomplish the plan. So I think it's a mix of both. She cares about Guren's life as much as she cares about the plan, especially since they are so close now.

Besides, Mahiru-no-Yo seemed pretty pissed that Guren said that. Like, she doesn't want him to give up like that so yeah, she can get carried away and try to bring him to his senses. Looks like it worked since Guren ran straight in to save her. The guy is a machine for protecting people. We'll see if he survives Krul's attack. It's a mystery~

Honestly everyone can interpret her words in different ways, we never really know with Kagami lmao but here's my pov.

[kenonade]

stella maris reading log #1

its about damn time i start noting down how i feel when i read what i read. hell yeah. hopefully this makes me a better writer.

spoilers not really about the plot (bc honestly is there even a plot in the sense of a plot) but more about the language below the cut woooooo

tldr: book cool. writing insane. wtf. wtf. wtf. head ouchie. 越级打怪的后果就是头晕脑转 (dizziness is the consequence of attempting to read beyond my level). ooga booga man talk abt english

reading stella maris is so interesting because im just sitting here wondering like. how the FUCK did mccarthy accumulate all this knowledge about a variety of very distinct fields. my brain hurts. this is so much information. im learning nothing and learning everything at the same time. how the man managed to learn all this stuff and how he managed to put it together like this puzzle me equally intensely. its one thing to acquire knowledge. its a whole other thing to convey it in language so dense with information but also character. like, not to be that guy, but when osc does his infodumps i think to myself okay old man lets get you to bed. every time alicia opens her mouth i confront my intellectual inferiority and contemplate the meaning of life because it is alicia talking.

not to mention what the FUCK alicia. if only you’d have KNOWN. EUGH. WHAT. WHAT. WHAT.

my head hurts. the reason why im writing instead of reading is because ive already reached my reading breaking point where my eyes glaze over and the words go in one and out the other. its only been two hours. difficult language i can handle fine, verbosity is fine, i inhaled the ender stuff and only took breaks when osc pissed me off, but stella maris is information overload in a way that i’ve never experienced before. im like, texting three separate people all the time. oh i should vet this w my math guy. i need to show this to my psych classmate. this has to go to my orthopedics bestie.

i started this book saw the page number and went oh sure. its half the length of the passenger. the style means that it’ll contain less words overall too. i should be able to finish this on a three hour hsr ride. WRONG. i CANT. it’s TOO DIFFICULT. im running into roadblocks very similar to what i felt when i read the passenger: dont know place/name/context/big word. except im finding stella maris to be even more difficult because unlike some nautical jargon or random place in the midwestern usa that i can just look up, i cant. i think its impossible to even begin to comprehend all this math.

that’s definitely part of the charm of stella maris. the format of audio transcripts creates a much more intimate connection between the characters and the reader. the target demographic of this novel, though niche, is definitely not as niche as to comprise only of genius mathematicians with a burning passion for music and a hatred of psychology. the reader might be a master in one of these fields, but alicia outsmarts them in it along with all others. viewed through this lens, the reader is the doctor. the reader is the one who converses with alicia, trying their best to piece together a mind that is so extraordinarily genius and extraordinarily tormented. it’s a position of emotional significance. the reader sits through these audio recordings because they want to understand alicia. and to understand alicia is to love her. (this is a certified when i truly understand my enemy i love him moment)

all of that sits in stark contrast to western’s narration in the passenger.

i wrote an entire paragraph but tumblr fucking ate it. im pissed. its ok. for love i’ll write it again.

western’s narration is detached. it’s impersonal. mccarthy’s clinical and direct use of language alienates the viewer and prevents the formation of any sincere rapport, allowing only mild sympathy for western’s continued suffering. the reader is merely an observer, piecing together the life of a strange, curious creature through inference and deduction. nor is the reader meant to empathize with him. he’s the one who chose to abandon alicia, the one reckless enough to chose race car driving over his degree, and therefore the one who shoulders alone the responsibility of alicia’s death—or so he thinks. in a sense, because western is comparatively lucid, the detached narration becomes almost a punishment for the guilt he’s assigned to himself. he’s not the one in the mental asylum, afterall.

its interesting to me how mccarthy presents this duo to the audience. i have many Thoughts on alicia’s sexuality and stuff but i should finish the book before i synthesize those thoughts. anyway. thanks for reading 👍

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

warning: anon ask referring to self-harm and relapsing.

last night i relapsed on my self harm streak of about 1 year. feeling so guilty and so shitty. worried my boyfriend and felt so fucking disgusting about that. i hate myself i hate that i did this because it was all for nothing. im just as anxious as i was and feeling even worse bc i left my boyfriend so fucking worried. i havent spoken to him since last night after i told him how sorry i was that im getting him involved in this bs. i know i know i cant expect him to not worry or be scared but i feel so bad that he is doing that in the first place. i hate that im scaring him and i hate that i make him feel like he cant help me. i went off all my socials and told him i need sometime. i want to talk to him about this, i want to not be so impulsive and anxious and i want to not let him be so scared all the time. i hate this i hate it sm. send helpppp

"I'm stuck." "I did all that and I'm still like this." "I haven't changed." "I'm never going to change." "I can't break the cycle." "I fucked up and I can't get away from these thoughts, I worked this hard for this long and somehow I'm still trapped by my demons and one day I might..."

Yeah, I know.

"Lose."

I know you might feel as if you're back to square one, but you're not. Things are different this time. He may not understand why you have closed off like this, but one day he will because you will be able to explain it to him. You at least told him and that was what you were ready for at this time, but at some point in the future, maybe not in this heavy headspace, you will be able to find the words to say what you're going through right now.

You might know this already, but I'll remind you: self-harm is a habit. Habits are hard to break. Sometimes, at just the wrong time, a series of events will hit you in a certain place and shit goes down. It doesn't mean you can't stop it in the future simply because you couldn't stop it this time. It doesn't mean you've weak either for giving in. Look for the stressors and the situations you were in that pushed you over the edge. Think about ways for how to mitigate the impulse in the future. Make it really fucking difficult to get to your self-harm tools. I'm talking annoyingly difficult. If it is too inconvenient when the impulse comes, you're less likely to follow through. But it's been a year, so you might have your own system. Let's refine it more. This is not the end.

It might be someday, but it is not toady and we are going to fight for tomorrow.

It is up to you how you talk about it. I tend to think it's better to speak about it when you have a clear head, but sometimes you need someone there when you're going down. I get that. Just understand that not everyone has encountered or lived this. And even if they have, they might still say the wrong thing because they simply don't know what to say or they end up saying what they would like to hear, but that doesn't mean that is what you want to hear. And sometimes you don't even know what you want to hear. It's a fucking mess. I know.

Despite all that, you want to tell him and I think you should, because he can't understand you unless he has at least a glimpse of what is going on in your head. Please don't put the pressure on him to have the answers. There are no answers anyway. Instead, come to the conversation with ways that he can support you or brainstorm them together. What are the things you want him to say? What can he do to help you get your mind off it? What can he and you do to prevent or lessen the stressors? What are some signs you exhibit when you're especially anxious or impulsive? Are there patterns? Specific days / times / cycles? He will be less scared if he feels more prepared and knows you better.

I hope it doesn't happen in the future, but if it does, you are not shit. You might act shitty sometimes, but not that does not mean all the work you've done so far is for naught. Finding your signs is one of the most important things you can do. Try various solutions. Don't get discouraged if one doesn't work. Trust me, the same solution / distraction / what worked last time will not work every time and that is okay. Humans are changing creatures. We may have patterns but we also have the ability to break the ones we no longer want by reframing how we think about them and changing our mental environment. This is not all you are.

It is part of you but it will not be the end of you.

Trust me. You have already begun the change. You can talk about it and that, in it of itself, means you are not weak. I might be a random, but I'm also not, hm? I'm not a therapist, but I've lived it. Heh, listen to Yoongi. Future's gonna be okay. One day, you'll look back and see how far you've come. It's murky now, but the fog and the clouds will lift. You have the tools to move forward. You can, and will, do this.

[saisons-en-enfer]

your traumas and experiences are valid. while living and existing might feel like a unbearably sisyphean task, it is through finding healthy outlets/coping mechanisms that you can pacify such intense memories and ruminations. on behalf of the mutuals know that you are not alone, we care and about you, and love you🍵🫶🏼 wishing you the best on your journey king <3

I appreciate you taking the time and sending this and I just wanted to answer this in a way that is honest to maybe help you understand where I stand, so I do not mean to demean or devalue anything you're saying

Firstly I don't really have healthy outlets/coping mechanism... I've learned the hard way not to ask friends, I don't matter that much for them to keep dealing with my constant distress. I just talk to a therapist but ye, once a week isn't enough and just today when I was speaking to him I made a confession that in the last 6 years, I had numerous times (way too many for my mind to comfortably recall) where I was in such an emotionally suffocating situation that I seriously had thoughts of ending my life. Recently, I seek out help more when it happens but I just feel like people are so desensitized to it and think that I'm acting up for attention, when I can't ever convey to anyone how difficult it is to live life for others, to live life on a thread, on a constant tightrope, because I'm struggling to just stick around for myself.

My primary struggle is that I desperately struggle to find purpose, value, and meaning in my existence, and these are somethings I need because I can't just... be. Because I've mentally touched the void; I've reached such a low point that I don't see or feel beauty and intrigue in the world anymore, I don't feel as vivaciously as before, all I feel is deep sorrow, because I know the world lost it's glow to me and It's not just because the world is going to hell right now, it's because I feel things deeply and having the realization that I have to continue living even when I don't desire it and have to watch everyone I love and care for grow old and fade away and be able to not do anything about it. It's torture...

The problem with purpose is I have to genuinely believe in it or else it'll just crumble into a breakdown and I haven't been successful at finding purpose, at feeling genuine value in my existence.

I made the grave mistake recently of attaching meaning to someone I was in love with in a way that was all too deluded and idyllic and now that that's rightfully fallen through I'm just hurting again. You could say maybe what would give me purpose and value would be love, but I don't know anymore, everyone I've ever loved in my life didn't even feel marginally similar to how I did... besides I'm not someone that catches eyes anyway; I'm not someone people look at twice.

And now I struggle just to exist and continue doing so only because I never want to hurt anyone but I cant begin to explain how difficult it is and how gut-wrenching the sorrow and dread of existence is. I keep having really fucking nightmarish days where I just keep thinking that I can't do it anymore...

I keep continuing but I don't have any hope and I don't believe there is anything good waiting for me in the future... when can I just acknowledge this as a terminal illness and just be allowed to let go... why do people perceive it as preventable when my mind has been so badly damaged it will never be the same again; I find it so impossible to feel or believe anything good or modest about myself:

All I know is misery.

P.S. after years of different therapists, medications, therapeutic approaches, change of life conditions etc. no one has been able to help me ward off the unshakeable thought and "truth": that I will take my life... it may not be today or anytime soon, but I just know it will happen with how intense and unbearable some days get, and those days happen all too frequently and the more they happen the more I just lose my mind and just want to take the leap.

[sisterssafespace]

Asalamualaykum i hope you're well❤️. Once again i did something stupid. So im a very impulsive person tooo impulsive and it is really affect me deen wise. So last year i was attending concerts and other impermissible gatherings where music and alcohol and other drugs is and in those gatherings i would remove my niqab and hijab and wear things i shouldn't all because of my fmo and wanting to fit in with my non Muslim friends. I really cant help it especially when i feel pressured to attend. This year i told myself that i would not attend there was event that just passed it was supposed to be happening on Sunday and i told myself that i wouldn't get the tickets for it and i didn't. But there was event on Saturday and i went the whole of Saturday dodging my impulses to buy the tickets to go but then 2am Sunday morning i got tickets and went to the event (it ended at 5am) i compromised my deen again. My non Muslim friends were at both events and i mostly wanted to go to be with them both events. I am already someone who struggles with low emaan all the time. I dont pray ever because of procrastination and i do have the urge to i really do. The only time i prayed consistently ever was this year Ramadan and 2 months after. I had never felt so close to Allah and my deen than when i was praying consistently. I just feel so lost and that im destined for jahanam and i if carry on likes this there is no hope for me at all. I literally cannot to talk to anyone about this because im afraid of being judged by others and those close to me.

Wa alaykum assalamu wa rahmatu Allahi wa barakatuhu dear,

Sübhanallah you sounded very aware of the situation in your ask. Your words reflected someone who's mature enough and smart enough to know right from wrong. You are also fully aware of the consequences of your actions and that you are - in your own words - compromising your deen. The good thing is that the feeling of guilt or regret that you feel afterwards, the unpleasant feeling that settles in your gut, that actually shows that you have a pure heart, you have a good nature, a good fitrah, you just get carried away and you let shaytan manipulate you sometimes. See if you weren't a good girl and if you didn't love Allah swt, if you had completely gone astray then you wouldn't be feeling this way.

Now, what are you going to do about the situation? I feel like there are 3 major points, all of them have been discussed and mentioned before on this page in previous asks:

1) Do not despair of Allah's mercy. As long as we are still breathing, as long as there is still rooh in us, Allah's door is always open and we can always come back.

2) Recognize the shaytan's traps and stay away from them - close the door that will lead you to relapsing/ sinning

3) Strengthen your Eman with your daily remembrance ( adhkar ) and duaas: you need to shield yourself and protect yourself with reciting your morning and evening adhkar, as you will be asking Allah swt to protect you from all evil, from shaytan, to forgive you, to guide you. Adhkar are a believer's best friend. Once you commit to them you will definitely feel the change in your life even in the smallest details. There are apps that provide these adhkar with translation and the app would even notify you to remind you to recite them.

Listen my dear, you are a smart girl Allahuma barik, all you have to do is not act upon your impulses. And as an impulsive person myself, I know from the experience that the way to control that is to be one step ahead + Taqwa (awareness and consciousness of Allah swt). How? As for being one step ahead or let's call it prevention, you need to clean out your environment just like someone detoxing their body for them not to get sick or someone who's gonna start a diet so they clear out their kitchen and fridge from anything that's unhealthy and might be tempting. Like as a simple example, I would delete that app for the concerts/events.. which is related to point 2. And if the weekend is coming and you can anticipate that your friends will go out and invite you, prepare yourself to say no, practice saying no, or just straight up tell them that you can no longer associate with such environments! Because sweetie at the end of the day, the friends that are going to make you sin and are going to take you away from Allah swt are not your friends. But to be completely honest, I don't blame your friends, at the end of the day they're non-muslims, from their perspective there is nothing wrong with going to these events for them. It is your responsibility to stand up for what you believe and what you represent. I bet it is also very confusing for your friends to see as this Muslim girl who just removes her niqab and hijab ( and her beliefs) for a couple of hours to have fun?? I am so sorry to tell you that it reflects such a bad image of Islam, which is not what we are supposed to represent! I am trying to look for the softest way possible to tell you this but please never do that again! I know you might be wearing the hijab and the niqab for a different reason, maybe it's a cultural thing, maybe it's not your fault you don't understand their value, their meaning and their sacredness, maybe you didn't choose to wear them in the first place but please respect your hijab, and your niqab, please do not violate their sanctity by associating with alcohol and concerts. It is really painful to know you are going through this. I feel like we need to have a long conversation about the meaning of hijab and the reason why Muslim women choose to wear the niqab, about their meaning, about the mothers of the believers, about the sahabiyat who gave their lives for us to be walking around today in our hijabs, and why Islam in one word means to submit to Allah swt and obey His orders.

I don't want to make this too long for you, I just want you to know that I am not judging you, no human being is perfect, no muslim is pious enough or religious enough not to sin and not to make mistakes, we are all sinners in different ways, it is just Allah's mercy and setr that is covering us. But please sweetie, you sound like a mature young lady who can be responsible and can make good choices. So please make the right ones. In Islam Halal is clear and Haram is clear. There are no blurred lines. And if you are old enough to concerts alone and pay for them alone, then you are old enough to make the right decisions.

One last word: whatever you do, do not quit praying, it is the prayer that holds that string between you and Allah swt, it is the prayer that washes away the sins. May Allah swt accept from you.

I am sorry if anything I said came off as harsh. I hesitated for days before I could write this answer because I didn't want to be overly dramatic or come off as brutal 💔 May Allah swt guide us all. I pray that Allah swt forgive me the shortage of my answer. I wrote from the heart, in shaa Allah I managed to write what Allah swt had inspired me to convey. I pray from the bottom of my heart that Allah swt shows you right from wrong and guides your heart, ameen. Please stick to your adhkar, make istighfar as much as you can and send prayers upon Prophet Muhammad ﷺ as well.

Here are a couple of duaas you can recite in your sujud:

رَبَّنَا لَا تُزِغۡ قُلُوبَنَا بَعۡدَ إِذۡ هَدَيۡتَنَا وَهَبۡ لَنَا مِن لَّدُنكَ رَحۡمَةًۚ إِنَّكَ أَنتَ ٱلۡوَهَّابُ

Our Lord, let not our hearts deviate after You have guided us and grant us from Yourself mercy. Indeed, You are the Bestow.

يا مقلب القلوب ثبت قلبي على دينك

Oh turner of the hearts, keep my heart steadfast upon your deen.

La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah 🥺.

- A. Z. 🍃🤍

[thrashingthrashing]

01/31/25

my girlfriend has been staying over because she needs to do nursing trial shit at a local hospital. she takes night shifts so she basically sleeps in my bed all day and then leaves and then comes back and sleeps more. she's also sick with fucking mono of all things and she smells like she's literally fucking dying. all of this makes me super uncomfortable to the point where i'm starting to doubt my interest in this relationship. it's not made better that this comes after a month long period where we were both sick and didn't see each other. don't know if working from home has made me want to isolate myself from other people or not. maybe living alone for 6 years is what did that? anyways i want her out of my house like all the time. i just want to be alone so bad when she's here. when she's not here it is a massive sigh of relief. it's not made better that i sleep like shit when i'm in a bed with someone else, the stress prevents me from getting good sleep anyways. i completely fucked up everything. it's so fucking hard for me to feel affection in the first place and this is making it very difficult. i learned the term "avoidant attachment style" which i think is a bullshit term for emotionally iced out lunatics like myself that cant love like a regular person. avoidant is a shitty term though, i just dont want to cohabitate with someone whose presence totally reshapes how i've been living my life for 6 months at this point. fuck i want her out of my house so bad. i literally tried to not think about this decision before i made it. i was like "i'll just let it happen and see if i can deal with it"= complete insanity.

every time anything inconvenient happens i'm like ohh i should have dated jadynne ohh i should have kept fucking alva just total fucking nonsense because i can't cope with the idea that at my core i am a person with a voracious appetite for victimizing myself and making myself unhappy and ANY other future was the right decision to make- the life i chose to live is the wrong one. i'm completely fucking delusional. or do i just want to sleep alone? it has to be one of the two

[fodlsk]

Dollhouse

Dollhouse. A perfect, cozy, diminutive home, a miniature house. A dwelling so small as to suggest a house for dolls.

Our house, our family is as perfect as a dollhouse. A perfect facade, behind the curtains, hides dolls far from what others sees.

At times like this, it hits me. How toxic our family is, everyone holding a knife that cuts through the soul of another. Everyone is suffering from hidden trauma that rooted from an anger management issue. Mom's anger issue.

I know, and it's clear to us. You have always warned us about your anger and on how you can burst into fires when you are annoyed or mad at some mistakes your children make. We get it, you have anger management issue.

But, that doesn't give you enough excuse to spit hurtful words, that doesn't excuse you from throwing sharp knives at your own children. We are always walking on eggshells just to prevent you from bursting and saying these hurtful words to us. And that should not be the norm, because in the first place it should be you who needs to sort this out and control her feelings.

This has been going on and on ever since we were kids... it never ends. You want us to do everything your way? You want us to be perfect like how you imagined us to be? One mistake and those sharp words will come flying at our direction. Scarring us, bruising us.

My sibling may not be vocal about their feelings, but I know. I know deep down they are also scarred just like me. And maybe that is the reason why there is this unsaid void between us, eventually developing into something unpleasant. To the point that some of us has slowly adopted that anger management issue of yours.

Ever since we were children you expected us to be these obedient, smart, pleasing, perfect children. But we can't always be those children, we can't always stay perfect. People makes mistake and that is inevitable. You can't expect someone to always stay perfect just because you want to. With just one mistake and your sharp words will come rushing at us, not even giving us a chance to redeem ourselves. You are scarring us, bruising our soul.

We have been carrying these emotional baggages ever since we are little kids, and now that we are adults, it's affecting us so much. Sometimes I want to blame my thyroid hormone problem to whatever I am feeling. At times, whenever we are having lecture on my Med Surg course, I look for physiological reasons to blame everything I am feeling, trying to deny the fact that it's not something physiological but rather psychological problem. And at times like this, it hits me. That it's not a hormonal problem.

It's a 'FAMILY' problem. It's an 'US' problem.

We pretend to be this perfect family in front of others. A perfect family that everyone admires, that everyone envy, that everyone wants to be a part of... but in reality there has always been a big curtain at the windows, covering everything behind it. Concealing everything behind and preventing others from seeing what is actually happening inside. That even us, your children, tries to conceal this with a smile not only from our own selves and family but this whole society. Concealing the hidden turmoil between us.

You've been hurting us that it has developed into something obnoxious. We have developed unpleasing coping mechanisms. And maybe I'm one of those... I made it my coping mechanism, to raise my voice whenever I'm frustrated, I disobey everyone, and I let my emotions got the best of me. I let myself be the 'black sheep of the family' just so I can slowly try to break free from those binding words you drilled inside my head.

It's too tiring trying to be perfect, to live up to your expectations. It's too tiring, we already an adult but it's still the same cycle. But what can we do? We can't even say whatever we are feeling to you, we cant say these words to you because we fear your words.

I love you Mom. I'm sorry, we are not perfect.

But then again, we are just children inside an adult body full of scars, bruise, and wounds.

[aamethyst000]

Another Late night May 5,24 - 3:07am

Even when i take my meds, i cant seem to sleep. so i think i may need those melatonin stuff, i think ill take them in gummy form. now that i have emulators downloaded, i think that is what ill use up my time for. Especially if i cant sleep. Change of subject, since i havent worked for a whole ass year now, i am just going to start looking for a job. at least, what i can do here in this small(ish) village (i say "ish" because, as ive been told on may occasions, we arent exactly "small" we have about 4200 and more while the other villages has way less than that). there isnt much to do, and i want to save up money to move and possibly visit my older brother who lives down south. since ive been planning this for years, i have been getting better at saving up my money. so far, the method i have been using is working now. i got less than i have hoped but it is way better than nothing (i definitely would have cried about having no savings). im just so worried about never having enough. since prices have gone up, it has been making me very hesitant about moving anywhere. owning is too expensive, renting is way out of my limit, even with one other roommate. it got to the point where i added another person to my personal plan to move down south. I dont mind it, since its my best friend. but i also have plans to move in with my brother too. whoc was my original plan; find an appartment and move in with him.

then, after my little brother graduates, he and i can save up and have him move in with us! i want that more than anything. Before this whole ordeal. i wanted to move in with my 2(two) childhood best friends. then shit happens in our own life, individually that is, like, it got so bad that we drifted apart and it is not even our own fault (or am i just making an excuse for us?). It sucks, but what can i do? one lives in the same village as i do and i hardly go to see her, the other lives in town and she, herself, doesnt go see anyone othere than her immediate family. shit got crazy during our teen years man, it isnt even funny.

anyway, i figured, since i cant fall asleep, il just use this time to rant/vent about whatever was on my mind. and it seems to be on the past, im trying to let that go but i cant, or rather, i dont want to. cause as much as i hated being that young and naive, and those shit happening to us and around us. there were good moments that over ride the bad in my life, and i am desperately clinging on to that hope and happiness i had before turning 13-14. and that is way too young to be left undiagnosed and depressed.

but who would believe a teenager actually being depressed? we were "attention seekers" and "trend follower" (to be very fair though, i really did try to follow a lot of trends in my life) there was even a moment where i went to this little convention event thingy that was going on in my village, and it was about suicide prevention. so, i decided to go, because if i wasnt going to get help from my own family, i may as well get it from somewhere else (i really was trying so hard to activly not look for bad habits to start on, one of them was already developing without me knowing or realizing...so). when i got there, and we got into a circle to introducing ourselves, open up and talk. the instructor said to talk about why some of us choose to go to that event, so when it was my turn. i talked about how i--

((((by the way, very strong TRIGGER WARNING!!!! talks about suicide attempt and possible eating disorder))))

--was feeling so alone and just so very lost and caged up because of my ex boyfriend, i sat there on my bed with scissors i grabbed from the kitchen and just stared at my arm. i didnt message anyone, or even write a letter. i just wanted out. i opened the scissors enough to make it easy to hurt myself, that part alone i was trying to figure out how i should do it. that thought did scare me at the time but it does now, holy shit. anyway, i made the decision and then, like a movie theatre, memories of both my brothers played in my head, their smiles and laughter loud and clear for me. like someone was there just waiting for the right moment to show me them, who ever they were, im glad and thankful. because at the very lowest moment of my life, i was already struggling with my eating habits. there was no inbetween for me. i either ate a lot, enough to be "teased" about looking or "being preggo" which is sick by the way when your teasing a literal MINOR (12 through 17) about being pregnant. like, why would you even do that? anyway, it wasnt my family that unintentionally helped me develop those bad eating habits. it was my friends and me comparing myself to every girl and characters out there.

i didnt care that it was a bad thing to get into at the time, to me, i was surrounded by girls that were skinnier than me, or, who i thought were skinnier than me. ive seen photos that my family and friends took of me, i cannot believe that i ever thought i was ever fat, ever, but i guess thats what low self esteem and bad comparisons does to you. i mustve been looking through foggy mirrors how dysphoric(???) i fucking felt. it was so bad that most days i choose to either have one meal or throw that plate away in my own garbage bag and just have a toast for my first "meal". i didnt care about the calories i was eating up, or lack therof, like raw ichiban, dry cereal, or just popcorn, and on "good days" i let myself have pop and chips with my first meal which is usually dinner time. it made a bigger effect on me when my little brothers dad decided to act like a total bitch and not get any proper groceries and just get chicken nuggets, ichiban, cereal, hot dogs, milk, and rice.

so, i forgot to mention, but i was 16 when all of this was overwhelming me and when i nearly took my own life. i didnt tell this story as detailed as i did while in the circle, but as soon as i finished, feeling (while it was very short lived) lighter after i told my reasoning, you know what i heard? on my right, this elder lady: *snickers* "im sorry, i didnt mean to laugh, but i think that was cute. that was all?" i didnt hear the rest because i was ready to cry again. how can you say that? i shut down for the rest of my time there. i dont remember how long that event went, but i knew from there on, not to ever open up here in the village. ever. mind you, there were other servivors who talked about their own stories in their own ways but why was i laughed at? How in the ever loving fuck is what i almost did "cute"? how was my story not made a big deal just like the others? i wish i knew but that fucking hurt like hell.

((((END of TRIGGER WARNING))))

wow. i did not think that this would be a big post (journal entry) but here we are. im not going to lie, im still feeling iffy about posting this. or if i want to delete that whole section and just say " id rather not go into detail about my...." idk what else to call it other than my lowest point. i dont know what else to write about so i am going to get ready for bed and see if i can fall asleep after having a toke. cause right now, it is currently 4:16am and i want to get more than 4 hours of sleep tonight, or at least try to. hopefully i feel better after writing this out and sleeping on this. we shall see tomorrow.

good night.

[emptym0rgue]

I need to rant this is a rant about covid n the flu n all that shit.

I have a coworker who refuses to wear a mask, we arent mandating masks at the moment but this coworker said if we start to, they “need to let her know in advance so she can put in her two weeks”. This bothers me because of just how selfish it is.

She claims she didnt get the vaccine, had covid once so she doesnt care if she gets it again, and refuses to wear a mask. Lemme break this down.

She didnt get the vaccine. She 100% could, just chooses not to. The reason the vaccine is there is so those who can get it do, making them less likely to get covid. “But its just a flu it didnt hurt me when i had it i dont care if i get it-” theres people out there who cant get the vaccine. Those who cant have compromised immune systems and other conditions that makes them significantly more susceptible to getting covid and or dying from covid. Essentially the point of the vaccine is for people who dont have compromised immunity to go get it and prevent those with weaker immune systems from getting covid themselves. For example, i get the covid vaccine because my mom has a weaker immune system, covid could literally kill her. Its also a point that if you go in public while having covid and not knowing it/not caring, you could give it to strangers. This could cause that stranger to have a “little flu” like some call covid, or it could cause them to have major respiratory issues, or kill them.

Next, she said covid was just like a flu and she doesnt care if she has it again. Similar to my point before, if she has it then she could transmit it to folks with weaker immune systems. “But it was just like the flu it doesnt matter if others get it-” for others, it may be more than a flu. Some have died from covid yes but others have got pneumonia, had lung damage and other traumatic experiences. Just because one person with covid sees it as a bitty lil flu that doesnt mean everyone will experience it that way.

Last she refuses to wear a mask. Sorry to repeat myself but the point of the mask is to protect others so they dont get it, not for yourself.

The ideology that covid is some lil flu and theres no reason to get the vaccine and all this n that, its inherently selfish and harmful. So many people say about “why do we act like this with covid but not the flu, the flu kills people” thats the fucking point of the ~flu vaccine~ that ignorant asshats also refuse to take.

History proves that vaccines n masks n all of this works. In the US, polio was killing people and making people sick. In the 50’s, hospitals were full of sick patients, kinda like they were in 2020 with covid ridden patients. Heres a graph of the deaths and cases over time.

The cases and deaths all significantly went down roundabout 60’s and 70’s. The polio vaccine was created and given out starting in 1955 as a shot but later was given as a liquid drop orally in 1961. Theres been little to no cases of polio in the US since the 70’s.

What im trying to say is that if we treat covid how we treated polio, it can be gone. For that to happen, get the vaccines, wear the masks, be considerate and conscious of those around you.

[rupsmorge]

Curls Upon Curls

Spencer Reid x Curly Hair Gn! Reader 

Summary: After getting frustrated with his curls. Spencer’s curly haired partner decided to help him by doing his hair with their curl products. 

Fluff

Cw: literally none :))

A/n: hi! please know that while i, myself, have curly hair, i have no idea how to properly take care of it. so this is based off my little knowledge and hair care routine. 

In the last week or so Spencer started to get frustrated with his unmanageable curls. Growing up he was not taught how to take care of his curly hair and after years of being gelled down flat, his hair had had enough. 

It was an early Sunday morning when Spencer had finally had enough of his unruly hair. While messing with his hair in the bathroom mirror Spencer let out a frustrated groan. 

While following the sound of angry murmurs you asked him whats wrong. “What’s wrong, bubs?” 

“My hair. I cant get my it to lay right and the curls are pointing in every direction,” he responded with a pout. “How do you get your hair to be manageable?” 

With a breathy chuckle, you moved from your spot in the bathroom door way and hugged Reid from behind. “I dont. That is why my hair is either clipped back or in a bun. I’ll tell you what- How about we take a shower and then, if you are okay with it, we can put my curl products in your hair? Does that sound okay?” 

Spencer held your hands that were wrapped around his waste. “That sounds perfect.” 

-------

After getting out of the shower, and after getting dressed, you dried Spencer hair with a t-shirt to help prevent damage. 

“Can you tell me what you are doing?” he asked as you stood in front of where he sat on the edge of the bed. 

“Of course, Spence. So the first thing i do, after drying my hair some, is scrunch in some leave-in conditioner and then hair mousse. This helps the curls become bouncy and keeps the frizz down.” You explained as you put the products in his hair. 

Spencer hummed contently as you continued to scrunch the mousse in his hair. While he’d never admit it to his team, Reid loves having his hair played with and he would let you practice braiding when his hair was longer. 

“What’s next?” 

“I was just about to tell you,” you teased him with a slight giggle in your voice. In response, Spence squeezed your sides causing you to laugh even harder. 

“Okay, now we put in some gel. This will help define your curls. And you scrunch this in too. If you wanted, after the gel in applied you can dry your hair with the diffuser or just let it air dry. Its up to you.” 

 “I’ll just allow it to air dry. My hair doesn’t take that long to dry anyways.” He replied as you finished you doing his hair. 

He watched you in awe as you started to do the same thing to your own curls. Spencer Reid always loved how certain piece of your hair laid in ringlets while other were loose waves. He loved to wrap the ringlets around his fingers and play with the tips of your hair as you slept. After tonight, he planned to learn everything he possibly could about curly hair and how to properly take care of it.