#I can probably kill God rn
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Finally showered after one week of Very Bad Time Syndrome and let me tell y’all that felt great
#warm water can cure me actually#and it’s funny because all throughout the week I was still getting compliments on my hair meanwhile I’m feeling disgusted in myself#finally having the time patience and energy really kicks off#cured of any and all dysphoria actually#I can probably kill God rn#so sayeth karma#now if you’ll excuse me I shall have a warm meal and water
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AND I MET THE CHANGE GOD TOO. OKAY. COOL OKAY
#I WASNT EVEN MEANING TO SO I ACCIDENTALLY SKIPPED THE DIALOGUE BEFORE I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING FUCK#ill go and find it later if only to give myself peace of mind. BUT WOW. WHAT THE FUCK#my original plan was to 1) work my way to the king and talk to him 2) doom myself and take everyone down with me 3) loop back to floor 3#so i can visit the observatory and scrounge for any lore. although since i got killed that run siffrin asked the king to kill him first#which was intereresting. but i decided to have all doors unlocked that time around so i can just get the starcrest and go#but for some reason it wasnt working so i went to get the keyknife since i was already there and completely forgot i already had it#from the previous loop and THATS what triggered it. IT WAS FUNNY BUT ALSO SCARY BUT ALSO I THINK I GET WHAT THEY MEAN#about siffrin going back without actually changing. going along with a script even if his feelings on things change#the same way he has his own small rituals like the carving thing and does it for constancy. reassurance or safety even#and the times when he breaks script and ends horribly like the sadness attacking thing and bonnie yelling at him cause him to loop#to avoid it. although i cant really say anything bc id probably do the same thing. maybe not for the same reasons since im cruel#and make him do the worst to see what will happen since i put curiosity over rejection sensitivity as an observer and player but well.#i feel wrongfooted bringing it up since i dont have it myself but i have to wonder if this kind of leans into ocd tendencies.. i remember#reading something about how ocd is fuelled by fear. and things like counting and rituals are kind of used to cope with that?#if anyone knows anything more or talked abt it already id be really interested in hearing it bc im almost sure im not#the first to come to this conclusion. but i simply dont know enough nor have the confidence to broach the topic rn esp with how often#misconceptions around ocd get casually passed around so its hard for me to know what is and isnt a baseless assumption#puppy plays isat#in stars and time#isat#playthru#isat spoilers#in stars and time spoilers#isat act 3 spoilers#change god#WHAT WAS THAT WITH WEARING LOOPS FACE THOUGH WHAT THE FUCKKK
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Something that will never not be funny to me is how Harlan writes dialogue for John and then realizes how fucking romantic it sounds so he has to follow up every interaction in which he talk to anyone ABOUT Arthur with a “friend” at the end lmao.
“My king, I respect the affection and care you bestow upon your very dear FRIEND”
“He’s meat”
“Yeas but he’s my meat- MY FRIEND”
“Why does he chose you and not me?”
“Because I love him.
And he loves me. That’s FRIENDSHIP”
Sir, just stop.
Are you doing this to mess with us or are you doing this to yourself and we are all just going along with it for the feels?
(And, just to clarify, this is not a “they are clearly in love with each other” post, but me saying that (whether read as platonic or romantic) it felt like Harlan realizing how beautifully he wrote a piece of dialogue and then having to throw 3 “friends” for good measure in the next sentence, lest the fandom bursts into flames. And that’s seemed a little funny to me)
#malevolent#I just listened to the witch and GOOD GOD#I can usually suspend my disbelief but last episode it got to the point of just sounding like a silly gag instead of actual dialog lmao xD#malevolent podcast#arthur lester#malevolent john#malevolent pod#john doe#malevolent spoilers#and yk what?#I usually vibe with the unhinged aromantics so much but rn#rn I’m just in a ‘nah bro they definitely look at eachother with love in their eye’#usually they are my emotional support unghinged esoterical qpr#but rn I’m living from reading John as#a tragically pinning gay dumbass who is slowly choosing the man who does not reciprocate his feelings over his immortality over and over yk#I’m not ok#I’ll probably go back to reading them as bffs who would kill and die with and for eachother#like probably next episode or the moment they have a tender moment again like it usually happens yk?#but dayum is Harlan not doing himself anyfavours to beat the shipping allegations#mans the captain of his own ship and he is purposefully sinking it wth man?#Well??? can they kiss? as friends??? like I feel they would both benefit from kissing eachother… as friends of course
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dust and horror angel and demon themes,,,, they could totally parallel each other...... :3
dust=angel of death described in the delta rune prophecy (self declared) (i DEFINITELY elaborated on this one waayyyy before but anyways dust with a fucked up savior complex SAVE ME SAVE ME.... death is a blessing ass guy. life is torment and he will be the one to liberate monsters from their bodies and with the strength they provide to him be able to take down evil evil creation of pure misery that is the human ✨✨✨ dont worry his evil cackles are to HIDE HIS PAIN of saving everyone....... trust)
horror=demon that dragged everyone in horrortale into hell (as perceived by everyone else) (i think it would be a cool hc if everyone outside of snowdin viewed horror as literally a demon. maybe undyne preaches that. anyone outside of snowdin might be WAYYY worse because they starve for longer and literally take part in cannibalism so they might not have the same sort of mild sanity that snowdin residents do,,,, besides he DID kinda bring them all eternal suffering. kinda. nobody but undyne knows what happened at the core so she could totally just paint the story to blame horror fully)
ANYWAYS i like the possible dynamics this could have :333
dust to horror (please let me kill you PLEASE let me kill you i can end it all so peacefully wouldn't it be nice??? i promise ill make it quick just for you),,, horror to dust (i want you to live and suffer with what youve done i want you to watch all of your choices hit you one day and i'll be there and laugh at you. i'll keep you alive just to keep you suffering ok?)
OR dust to horror (you dont deserve to die you dont deserve to even be hurt by me. not because youre the exception but youre the Exception i absolutely loathe you so youll never get the sweet release of death :3) and horror to dust (just let me die already i dont wanna be here. youre supposed to be a savior right??? an angel?? then why don't you save me already when i need it more than anyone else)
#SHITS THIS OUT BECAUSE I NEED TO GET RID OF IT. my evil doppelganger will adore this post i've already shown them#this is definitely a bit of an exaggeration of their characters in my eyes but i love it :333#i dont think that dust is THIS deluded in my eyes and i dont think horror is this cynical. even tho theyre both still these traits#i came up with this idea while writing my mtt meets eachother fic :3#you can probably totally guess where i made the connection. thank you horrortale undyne for this one single thing#anyways i dont know how to shove killer into this LMAO. i was thinking like.... angel and demon on your shoulder to swap choices#but but triglycercule doesnt killer already have that with his stages??? well YES but both can be true at the same time :333#idk i dont have enough brain juices for this rn. so you get this half assed explanation 😭😭‼️‼️‼️#dust: we should kill this person. totally because they need to be freed and not because they piss me off#horror: no we should keep them alive but torment them so they never get the sweet release of death and suffer#and thanks to killer THEY CAN DO BOTH!!! YAAAAY!!!!! the powers of determination are awesome man (smug tiktok emoji)#dust is sounding awfully similar to a certain killer au of mine i made..... swapinverse rearing its ugly head once again smh#idk if this is more of a symbolic thing or LITERALLY angel dust and demon horror#because i like both ideas........ imagine an actual angel dust and demon horror going around with killer doing the little dialogue i said#what would killer be in this??? he's not a mortal or a human as would be per usual when describing whats between an angel or demon#killer as a god lmao..... noooo noooooo..... maybe just something akin to one. i meaaan technically-#someone who's more into religious theming would probably eat this idea but i cant be bothered uaghhhh#if i say anything about killer i will get shot. but i can tank a couple bullets. killer does have the ability to let both dust and horror#fufill their own ideologies. and also i am a big fat SUCKER for killer keeping horror and dust 'in line' IDC if its a bad sanses concept#i love it and therefore it's now mine to use in an only mtt context. otherworldly beings trio ‼️‼️ aghhhhh#i have like 89 drafts if the drafts reach 100 by the end of the year i think i'd DIE. so this is getting posted idc#you wont see me using literal angel and demon dust and horror. but if you look in my mind you'll see the themes regularly in what i talk ab#anyways back to writing this stupid fic i go. dust is currently battling several inner demons rn. good luck loser :3#killer sans#dust sans#horror sans#murder time trio#sans au#utmv#tricule hc
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stressed
I have to fight family again
#everybody hates meeeee#tomorrow is going to be so fucked#aunt literally said i tried to kill her???????? bro idk what to do with a person like that#im really really stressed#like it never got to physical violence or anything but im always scared it will cause it's just#getting more and more heated and i know she literally hates me right now#like usually she does the whole spiel about loving me sooo much but now she's convinced that#I'm against her#well i am#fuck that bitch#but well she's acting like a freaking cartoon villain#oh wel#well#but goddamn im really stressed rn#ok whatever i just needed to vent it's probably going to be fine#but like#i do feel like I'm planning a grand escape rn#and it SUCKS ASS#i really want to cut that woman out of my life or actually out of all of our lives cause she's just#traumatizing one person after the other#god i cant wait to be away from her so i can freaking relaxxx ToT#i can't believe i let myself fall for her tricks every single time and just believe shes good now AURGG#ok ok i just needed to vent this is so unreal for me rn I've been so stressed for days this is so frantic#whatever goodbye lmaooooooo#vent
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Thinking rn about how Terios was raised and grew up on the Black Comet I’ll talk in the tags
#Giant alien creatures and the tiny toddler that they know if they attempt to harm (outside of practice) they’ll probably be killed for#(he’s important)#I imagine little Terios was scared of the Black Arms at first but was raised to see them as his own brethern#but also Terios’ over-sympathy for them as he grows vs Doleon’s “it’s sick/injured? Smh kill it we can just make a better one” my god.#I ALSO imagine Doleon had his own place within the comet. (Like Black Death did in the comics) By extension Terios was also allowed in ther#Ter probably felt really guilty and sad when all the Black Arms died just because Doleon did (the first time) oughhhhh#They had no free will. They were tethered to the hivemind. to Doleon. Thats not fair….#IM INSANE RN#Moves into team dark’s apartment and tries to sleep on the floor at first#“Do people not normally sleep on the floor?” He asks and they’re like#OH OF COURSE there were no beds or such things on the comet. Why would there be.#He’s so genuine with his question. Never seen a bed in his life. Maybe he’s the first to use the corner mattress?#But gives it up for Clippy later. He’s totally fine with it! The couch is still comfier than the floor shdvdjdbdjd#I’m getting off topic now but DO YOU SEEEEEE#wow that was a lot#sonic the hedgehog#sonic fandom#sth#oc universe au#black arms#sonic oc#terios the darkhog#sonic au#terios lore
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You ever have a day where you feel like you're doing everything wrong, even when you're like. just doing things you normally do. And are alone, so like the only person i could in theory upset/piss off/etc right now is me myself, and Yet the feeling persists
Yeaaaaah. That's today's vibe for me apparently lmao
#text post#it's fine bc i know it's probably just a culmination of a couple different worries that i should be able to address#in the coming days/weeks but all the same#my brain is pinging like no you immediately need to check with everyone you know that you aren't mucking up#but like. if that was the case they'd talk to me and let me know#and i could apologise recognise where/how I've fucked up and change what I'm doing/try to do better#some days i just can't turn off the 'everyone is frustrated with u & feeling worse bc u aren't recognising that u fucked up' feeling#bc sometimes it's true! i missed a cue or didn't properly pick up what was being put down/implied!!#and when i do that it just. kills me 💀#like i know that life does just involve fucking up sometimes and being in the wrong and apologising and doing better#but also oh god i need to know immediately if I've fucked up so i can do better and try to make things right#or as close to right as possible#i need to stop typing tags and get onto the survey sites and into the chores that need doing today#fr tho if i have fucked up recently & any friends on here know/have been nervous to tell me#pls just do. i want to know so i can try not to make the same fuck up again#the anxiety over feeling like I've fucked up something but haven't realised it is ten times worse than#being told i fucked up apologising and figuring out how I'm going to try and make things better#no more tags rn tho!! time to try and get something done!!!
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ineed jimmy to die immediately.
#this is unrelated to source inhave a stupid crush on him and i need him to perish for it#do you know how frustrating and stupid this is im literally a sy.skid#im going to kill him in his sleep uold on#pk;m daisy🪅#i actually cant do that im having a sleepover w him and curly and cloudy rn and they're all asleep I'll wake them. fbfndnffnfndn#like can you fucking imagine#you invite your friend over for a sleepover and he kills your husband/qpp in the middle of the night for seemingly no reason#i mean they probably wouldn't question it that much. fhdjshfnfndnffn. and death here ain't permanent so#man i wish—nvm i forgot about the explosion. anyway.#. i am going to kill this man. i am going to kill him im going to kill him jimmy when I fucking get you jimmy ii swear to god#**** ****'* ** ** **** ******** *** * **** ** ***. oops anyway#I'M HAVING A NORMAL ONE im gonna bash his face into the fucking wall tomorrow.
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BREAKING NEWS i said yeah on the phone and rascal meowed back at me from across the room hehe
#ALSO. PARENTS JUST INFORMED ME WE MAY BE ADOPTING/FOSTERING A DOG#IT'S SUPER SHORT NOTICE BC HE'S A SHELTER GUY AND HE'S SET TO BE EUTHANIZED SOON#IM. FREAKING OUT I WANNA MEET HIM SO BAD I WANT THE DETAILS BUT IM ON CAMPUS RN#8 MONTH OLD SHEPHERD MIX (not sure what kind of shepherd but ig probably german?). IM COMIN TO GET YOU#this may mess with my 'what if we got a cat after my senior dogs are gone' idea but. but oupy dog#god i love dogs so much uaughhh.... im getting my hopes up so much you guys don't even know#i mean they wouldn't tell us only to say no right#update they are going to meet him + tomorrow we'll bring our dogs and the whole family to meet him#assuming my mom's allergies don't act up around him#but he looks and seems so sweet and goofy and weirdly gentle which is good bc sometimes shepherds can be a bit rough#and that's also good bc like. we have two senior dogs and we don't want him to stress them out or injure them by being a puppy all over them#one of the shelter videos respectfully pans away as he squats to take a shit which is very charming to me#but yeah i really really hope it works out bc like. he seems like such a guy + i love animals So So Much + i don't think anyone else would#swoop in in time if we don't. our shelter is perpetually full and they're a kill shelter#and im choosing not to think about the possibility of us not at least fostering him for the time being#bc i need to keep working and thinking I Killed This Dog By Not Somehow Forcing My Parents Into It is not going to help that#and i have no reason to believe it Will go wrong. all signs point to good atm so im going to trust that#even if it means i eventually get charlie brown footballed by my dogs hating him or something
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GODS FUCKING DAMNIT WHY DID MY PARENTS DECIDE THAT A HOUSE LESS THAN 100 FEET AWAY FROM A HIGHWAY WAS A GOOD FUCKING IDEA
#I HAVE A FUCKING MIGRANE AND THE SEMITRUCKS AND MOTORCYCLES AND ASSHOLE BLARING BASE MUSIC SOUND LIKE THEYRE INCHES AWAY FROM MY EARS#IF THE NEIGHBORS START FAILING TO FIX THEIR DAMN BOAT OR BLARING MUSIC AGAIN I WILL TELL MY DAD TO GO SCREAM AT THEM#NORMALLY IM NICE BUT RIGHT NOW MY BRAIN IS TRYING TO KILL ME I DONT HAVE ENERGY FOR THIS BULLSHIT#but for now the neighbors are behaving it’s just the fucking highway I can’t move#FUCK a train better not go by tonight#we also live less than 100 feet from a major railway :)#I don’t know why my parents thought this house was the one to buy but I CANT FUCKING CHANGE THAT NOW CAN I#can’t wait to move out I swear to fuck#this is why I shouldn’t have chronic pain I become murderous when I’m hurting#silently screaming shaking with murderous intent at every little thing that bothers me#reaching for the nearest sharp object#but guess who has chronic pain from scoliosis and collapsed foot arches and neck problems that cause headaches and migraines?#THIS motherfucker right here; THATS who!#maybe I should stop ranting in the tags now and eat my chicken sandwich before the meds wear off#ooohh I should as my mom if it’s a good idea to take my loopy drugs#idk if they’re okay to mix with Tylenol or not#OH MY FUCKING GODS A TRAIN JUSF WENT BY#AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA#IM GOING TO FUCKING KILL SOMEONE#PROBABLY THE REALATOR WHO SAID THAT THESE TRACKS ARENT OPERATIONAL#anyway as I was saying I dunno if hydroxdezine (probably misspelled that) is okay to mix with Tylenol#but it’s great for when I don’t want to be conscious and rn that’s how I feel#imma stop now#randum thots
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I just wanna hug my sister so bad dude im tweaking
#I normally don’t see her for hella long but im just scared for her yknow#it’s probably older sibling instinct but I fucking hate the household she’s staying in#I was almost fucking killed there as a kid#and so was she#so I just#ick#im really tweaking out rn though#I also don’t have anyway to talk to her#im just listening for everything I can#I fucking hate my mom#I don’t care if she has mental problems and that’s why she did everything#I want to punch people but I don’t#let alone toss your kids into a fridge#she’s the cause of like everything#all of my trauma. like almost all of it.#��’your mom was just abusing her medication and alcohol while mentally ill’’ idk that doesn’t give her a right to do that#anyways I just wanna hold my sister and talk to her#we were supposed to watch something together but I left at the very end of the first episode#god I hope I see her soon#I hope she still loves me#tw vent#tw child abuse#that stuff starts in the tags but it’s still something you’re supposed to tag for so.
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What a good episode. Maaaaaan
#I can't even start I'd be here forever#It did take me in fact like one hour total to watch it lmoa. It sooooo good!!! The animation is very good#(albeit it's awfully low on brightness at times. But such seems to be the sin of lot of recent media unfortunately)#but I'm not even going to dwell on that. The plot / storytelling is so good. Sooooo god. I adore this arc.#Love the symbolism. I've been saying this for almost two years now (is it really been that long ever since these episodes came out... ) but#I want to write an analysis on the op & ed so baddd. The emphasis on the twilight this episode!!#Like the sun was setting on the detective agency. I love love love the hd. They're so cool in this episode and they're so cool in general.#I ADORE Jouno. I don't feel particularly strongly for sue/giku yet their scenes are so cute and funny. I see why people ship them.#Even Tetchou I don't usually care much about is so !!!!! I love all the hd so much fr!!!!!!!!!!#I love love love Jouno. Like much like it is for Akutagawa I'm very weak for characters that aren't really good people.#But they're still trying to be a better person than they were. And oftentimes they end up doing a terrible job!!#But the fact alone that they're //trying// has me ougheueueueu. Here in this episode you can see Jouno–#sliping very easily in his cruel / sadistic habits. But he is trying to be a person that cares for others! He made good actions in the past#and he will again in the future even though right now he's acting like this! Because improvement isn't linear! I love him tonsss#And DON'T get me started on the ada. Yosano's “Welcome” scene. I love women. I love women. Yosano please one chance#KENJI'S SCENE God I needed this. How could I forget the way this literllyyyyy rewinded my brain when I read the manga for the first time.#That scene is so deep and poignant and so so meaningful I. Oughhh#I am going to run out of tags am I not#Kyouka saving Atsushi!!!!!!! That scene is one of my all time favourites. It makes me soft to remember when the s4 trailer dropped–#I was so overjoyed for that bit of them holding hands :') Rightfully so!!! It's so cute.#Her coming back to save Atsushi. The “don't worry– I didn't kill them” direct towards Atsushi–#that is so so Akutagawa and it sends me insane hhhhhhgggggggggg#Kunikida!!!!! His “I'm not leaving anyone behind”!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm not precisely Kunikida's first fan but aaaaaahhh he makes me feel–#so much for him in this scene!!!!! Mmmhhh one last note would be. It bugs me a little how the ada is defined terrorist by the military–#forces starting this episode? I don't have space to elaborate properly but. An action to be considered terrorism must have clear political–#orientation and goal. Violence alone isn't enought to be defined terrorism. It's an incorrect use of the word#Up to the next episode!!! Can't wait to see more Atsushi 🥰🥰#random rambles#It's late now and probably most are asleep rn... Then I'll be queing my posts for tomorrow probably
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might have covid again. please god
#rambling#vent#i'm literally gonna hurl myself off a cliff can i just have one moment of peace#probably gave it to my bf who's never had it before#and he had a very bad almost fatal reaction to the vaccine#so what if i kill him. oh god#i know i'm catastrophizing rn but god it's been such a bad day#cw suicide ment
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y2 daigo dinner but make it healthy <- theres seltzer instead of booze <- this does not negate the heart attack in a can right next to it
#snap chats#fyi never make a post on tumblr mobile because it will never go through and you'll want to kill someone !!!!!!#anyway hi everyone :) back from nyc :) i have THE LAMEST stories to tell tomorrow but rn im giggling at my new kirbies#and the christmas gifts i got my bro but moving on Before Anyone Starts and i swear to god I Will Kill You if you say 'well actually'#i know daigo is more of a whiskey man and they dont put whiskey in a can but for the bit we will act like he drinks beer sometimes#i wanted to make jokes for a while abut daigo drinking liquid death to try and contol his binge drinking so let me have this#i already made jokes about daigo drinking monster. probably. maybe. definitely to someone at least.#i dont even like energy drinks but.... heh... guess you could say..... i was... drawn like a... moth to a flame... hehe..#butterflies and moths are cousins suck my gonads. anyway my fave moth is the luna moth and my fave butterfly is the dragonfly-tail butterfl#theyre so silly looking and the colors are so pretty......#highkey tho this post relevant to the times cause of that fuckin redbull post i made LOLOLOL#playable daigo but he drinks monster instead of tauriner oh god THERES TAURINE ON THE FUCKING CAN#shaking crying throwing up im so fucking smart#ok im gonna drink both of these now <3 because im a glutton <3 BYE
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now that my PI is like hey you should actually be sitting in the lab to write instead of doing it at home im shooting one million lasers at his head in my mind. fuck off
#exploding and killing even. WHO GIVE A WHOLE FUCKING SHIT MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!#ESPECIALLY since our AC is fucked up rn and my office is the only fucking one thats still hot#hes like oh you can work in [other girls] office shes out this week!!! like omg thank youuuuu thats a perfect setup for me 🥰🙏🏻#working in someone elses office doing work i can do exclusively at home because you think i should be in here even when you and nobody else#is. or you are but its not like we’re even seeing each other. awesome!!! 😁😁😁😁😁❣️#i dont know why hes doing this now. he literally hasnt given a shit before like he said verbatim when i joined the lab a YEAR AGO that he#doesnt need us to be in here all the time if we dont have anything in-person that we have to do. as long as we’re getting our work done.#AND I AM BITCH. SO WHY. THE FUCK. ARE YOU THROWING A LITTLE PISSY FIT ABOUT IT NOW. KILL YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#okay whatever. i really like him and hes a lot better than some other PIs that have their students coming like 8-5 even if they have nothing#to do. like literally to the point where theyre playing cards and watching movies and shit. so it could be worse#but i dont know why he is MAKING it worse. when we literally had a perfectly fine lab dynamic going on. WHATS YOUR DEAL!!!!!#ugh whatever. its probably just bc its summer and hes like why the hell am i in the lab if nobody else is!!!!!#well man sorry to say it but you have kids. so im sure if you need work done you have to come here. but i dont have shit so i CAN work from#home with no problem. okay whatever rant done im not even that upset im just annoyed as fuck and idgaf if he said we should be here usually#9-4 my ass is leaving at 2:30 today to grocery shop and go the fuck home so i can actually get work done KILLS PEOPLE
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really wish there was a tag that separated “I’m having Big Angry and/or Angsty Opinions about Star Wars” from “I’m goofing off with Star Wars I’m playing in the sandbox none of this is real so yes I will make my blorbo and this random glub shitto go on an adventure that makes no logical sense” posts because there’s too much of the former and not enough of the latter for my current mental state
#starlight personal#the good news is that I finally have another ketamine appt scheduled and it’s sooner than I thought they’d have an opening#the bad news is that the appointment is not tomorrow and we’re kinda at the end of my mental-emotional rope#now kids this is what we call: an inherent flaw in my treatment plan that cannot be removed#because pretty much in an ideal world I’d have ketamine appointments every 6 weeks but 1) expensive and probs can’t afford that#2) they don’t have enough availability for that to be realistic 3) can’t take off of work THAT frequently without consequences#4) I would probably start to doubt reality if I was tripping that frequently 5) I don’t think docs would allow it#treatment resistant depression and anxiety my beloathed if we could just chill that’d be great#treatment resistant PMDD my other beloathed someday I will do my damnedest to cut you out of my body#idk not to be too selfpitying on main but god it fucking sucks that I appear to be doomed to another cycle based mood thing#PMDD means I get two good weeks two bad weeks#ketamine being the only effective treatment for whatever my brain’s got going on means two good months followed by x bad months#until my next appointment#which like! two good months is better than no good months I am grateful that something helps#I just wish it was a more convenient help and it could be applied more consistently than my psych office provides#also wish I didn’t have to call them 3 times to get it scheduled but it is what it is#also also wish that I had fewer of the physical side effects of my anxiety and wouldn’t wake up puking the min things are rough#this is all to say: I want silly SW headcanons and droid headcanons and silly fic ideas and not Everyone is Always Suffering#but I’m also too lazy (I.e brain cannot make decisions rn) to search for new tags that may give me more silly#which means time to browse my bookmarks for good good comfort fics I have saved I suppose#(this is lowkey why i want to physically fight everyone i know who’s like ‘yeah meds would help but idk :/‘ like!!!!!!!!#bro it’s a privilege to have access to meds and it’s a privilege to have a body that doesn’t turn on you the min you take one!!!!#just try 10mg of zoloft I would kill for 10mg of zoloft to not make me entirely incapable of functioning!!!)#I don’t mean that - you have a right to take or not take medication and everyone’s reasons may be their own#I just had my body and have some rough feelings around treating my issues being so expensive and inconvenient#and then feeling guilty b/c I know I’m lucky that I can afford it and can take off of work for it when I need to#like I am pretty lucky to have something that works and to have a care team that helped me get here#so I don’t wanna be ungrateful or unappreciative of my own luck in this and the work that went into getting here#I’d just also like it if I could change the circumstances slightly#make treatment on the weekends an option - get my psych office to have more than 2 trip sitters so scheduling isn’t so bad
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