#I can feel this body dying all around me
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anyone else grow up on the last unicorn ?
#the last unicorn#drawing#art#digital art#drawings#animatic#artists on tumblr#sketchbook#animation#sketch#artist#small artist#digital artist#queer artist#clip studio illustration#illustration#illustrator#illustrative art#color#colors#color art#nostalgia#nostalgic#dark fantasy#childhood#the red bull#i can feel this body dying all around me#magic#magical art#magical
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Post-ToTK | Angst Drabble
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What if Link does manage to get Zelda back after defeating Ganondorf. He truly finds her and she’s no longer a dragon, but she isn’t Hylian either. Not entirely. She comes back with some features left over from the dragonification process. Still, she’s recognizable as the Princess, as Zelda.
It comes as a shock to Link when he realizes that Zelda doesn’t have a sense of self anymore; at least, not as the Princess of Hyrule. She can’t seem to remember herself as she was before it all. It makes sense, he thinks. She’s been an immortal being, an immortal dragon, for so long now that it stands to reason that she’s lost sight of the Hylian she once was. Zelda, at the very least, knows something is off, but she doesn’t know what she’s lost. Not quite.
She doesn’t know why she’s there; furthermore, she doesn’t understand why she’s mortal now. Zelda lost her immortality and her connection with the other great dragons she would often fly with. She felt every bit of her connection with herself as an immortal being getting ripped away from her. Alive as she is, she can feel her body dying all around her. She finds herself missing what she once was.
She’s not entirely lost herself, and people who knew her can see that she’s still there somewhere, but it’s buried so far into her mind. What’s worse is that she can’t understand why everyone looks at her with such sadness in their eyes.
#I’m rewatching The Last Unicorn#y’all know that whole thing with lady amalthea#she’s like#I can feel this body dying all around me#YEAH#Zelda feels that#guys consider this#I also need to draw this#happy ending maybe she gets her memories back#link and pays and Impa and everyone else literally would be so heartbroken#they would try to help her recover her memories#but also they will have to deal with her as she is bc that’s who she is as well and they can’t deny that#tears of the kingdom#loz tok#link#zelink#zelink angst#zelda#the legend of zelda#light dragon#Zelda angst
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Some beast dug up my poor dead lizard the night after i buried him and also i lost my expensive migraine glasses on the bus or train and my face eczema came back and i just found a really long weird hair on my leg and I’m turning 30 in ONE WEEK
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#amanda the adventurer#lady amalthea#the last unicorn#I can feel myself rotting#I can feel this body dying all around me#I might have posted this because I feel a little sick#melodrama#rotting#dying#decay
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I’ve relapsed on self harm for the first time in eight years…its the only thing that can regulate me anymore it’s the only thing that I can feel enough to pull me out of dissociating
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#ocs#my art#queer art#trans art#(thinking abt the last unicorn)#i can feel this body dying all around me
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If you are staring down the barrel of 40 years old don't watch the last unicorn unless you're in a really really good place.
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And then I will force you to have a deep philosophical discussion about this movies themes of immortality and momento mori and what it means that we are all mortals
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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i crave to yell into the void or something so badly it's not funny anymore..... did I gain consciousness this year or smth
#me ramble#than lore. i always had trouble sleeping but like. just twirling around till i fall asleep#then in like September i just felt like i was dying and i wuz trying to figure out why and actually sleep#and apparently it was a panic attack qnd ok. and then it kinda got better. and then for a period i was losing it again but actually slept#and now its kinda back qgain wnd i need ro keep reminding myself i wint die in my sleep#which i mean fair. but my senses have changed I can Tell and also ive been having other pains etc wnd im not that easy ro convince#so yeah now i start losing my mind when im in darkness. i somehow get a heavy dizzy ass feeling when we drive out of town. ive lost it#rn im weird and my body is sore qnd all and mentally im overthinking. as if im not healing the wisdom tooth and am on my period.#no. brain says dying and you need to sit up rn#sorry i m yapper. idk what my life is anymore#i wuz gonna talk to the psych about this cuz thats why i booked. but some time passed and she started with amother topic. so instead it was#me crying cuz i was thinking of a lot of things that day. bullying and abuse and yet again about my transness#at least im glad i finally have someone Doctor to talk wbout that. oh well im gonna shut up cuz i know ill get off topic#i dont vent as much anymore i just wanted to say i really hate going to bed. i wish i could stay uo al day and do things
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hunter is the most tragic thing to ever happen .
#ooc ; zip it#:: overdramatic i know bt augh . she hurts me so bad#:: makes me think of that quote from the last unicorn#:: “ i wish you had let the red bull take me ! ”#:: “ i wish you had left me to the harpy ! ”#:: “ i can feel this body dying all around me ! ”#:: aghhhhhhhhhh
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slowly starting to crash... very very tired... hopefully can... get through working this weekend.... and finally have a break...... (coughs and fucking dies)
#hey I got the viktor fic to 10k words tho yayyy#it's getting even longer (not surprising)#so it probably won't be finished for a bit longer now#goddd my body just feels so tired all over#probably because I'm going to start my period#normally I'd be so ready for a break#lord I was not built to work this much#and then I'm supposed to have monday off but#apparently no one has told me yet but there's a little rumor floating around that the boss is going to ask me to work#guys I'm literally just gonna say no#I need a day man#if I don't I might literally die lol#uuugh I just want to write more and stuff but like#my brain is dying and I know#that the only reason I feel frustrated with what I'm writing right now is because my brain is exhausted#but I can't have a break yettttt#can someone please sleep for an extra few hours for me and psychically transfer the sleep to my body
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Not feeling well again tonight. I was in so much pain after being on the boat today. I must have turned gray and sickly too because my supervisor was incredibly worried about my health.
I hate talking about this and I hate bringing it up to my supervisors. I've been dismissed before from opportunities because of the pain and received bad performance reviews simply because I don't "take initiative" (In too much pain to do extra).
She's letting me have the day off tomorrow. I'm grateful, but I feel like I'm falling behind my peers. I see friends and acquaintances going on with their lives and I just feel... stuck.
I got accepted into an amazing master's program from UMiami but I deferred because I feel too sick. It's not just the pain, it's the feathers at the edge of my vision and the weird spasms as well. Even if I managed to land a job with good healthcare or my dream grad school, how am I going to keep it if I'm sick and in pain all the time?
There's something bigger going on here and I want to know what. But ever since this all happened I seem to have lost my trust in human doctors and managed to convince myself that I'm a hypochondriac.
#ow..#i miss my pre-2019 self#i only had mild arthritis#not whatever this is#one weird illness is all it took#my endo is acting up because it's my time of the month#which only happens every three months#but it's still bad#the excision surgery did make me feel better#for like five months#but i feel like I'm back at square one this time#I'm feeling hopeless#I don't want more wrong with me#i changed from medicine to science because of the EDS#but now the other thing is making it difficult to finish field work#am i doomed to a life of paperwork?#it feels like my body is dying around me#nobody is going to hire me like this#I can barely walk#i need to take a full week off every three months#and sometimes I have to chose between making dinner or going to work#I'm doomed#i'll probably delete this later#endometriosis#elhers danlos syndrome
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#theres this feeling i get sometimes. i find it very hard to articulate. its part despair and part awe. dispair at how beautiful the world is#all those intricate little process coming together to organize the chaos. i dont kno y i feel it so deeply or y it hurts so much#because its just. no matters what horrible things r going on in the world. ur body is this miraculous collection of chemicals and reactions#mobile containers of water with a history that spirals back billions of years. and you can hear and see and experience and reflect#and when you die the world goes on spinning without you. if we as humans destroyed this planet past the part of our ability to inhabit it#it wouldnt even matter. there would be continued life past humanity. cosmically we r tiny and insignificant and we dont matter#but were beautiful and wonderful and infinity complex and knowing that leaves me in agony. because i want to kno everything right now but#mind is too small and i walk around with the disorientation of someone whos just been hit in thr face ans i cant focus enough to read#cant make the words make sense and i cant justify the time it would take to try. so i sit on my deck. in the sun. crying as i think about#how the light hit the grass in my front yard the last time i was home. how the cliffs in the backyard are ringed with red lines of iron#separated out as the water leached through the sandstone. how every avaliable surface is stained green as organisms reach upward toward#the sun. and its beautiful and i dont kno y im crying. maybe its bc i cant just throw everything aside and chase that feeling. im not#allowed to feel it. im not allowed to talk abt it in the way i want. bc im afraid no one cares as much as me in the same way. bc when i#talk abt what i study its obscure and academic and so far from what most ppl think abt that they get intimidated and dont try to understand#so i just try not to talk abt it. or maybe im just afraid. bc i have my 1st TA meeting tomorrow and i meet with my new advisor friday#and im worried and im afraid i wont b able to do this in a way that doesnt make me feel like im dying. bc i like to b busy and i like having#a strict schedule but if u throw me that knife im going to stab myself with it bc i dont kno how wield it as a tool without hurting myself#sure ill get the job done. but at what cost? whatever. ill try to b better this time. try to hold tight to the wonder. but that feels like#reaching out into forever. knowing ill never make contact. not knowing what im reaching for.#the closest approximation to the feeling i can find is that scene in the terror. where go0dsir is asking if god is there. any god. and it#doesnt matter bc he can see god in the landscape. in an environment that's so harsh and barren that its killing him slowly in the worst of#ways and its beautiful. its still beautiful to him. there is wonder here. and im wasting my time laying in a dark room crying bc i put#myself into a container so constrictive that the surface snaps and i come spilling out as an angry liquid. smearing away into nothing#unrelated
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i tried so hard to be kind and sweet and all of these things that are supposed to be good? and valued? but im alone again and i dont think ill ever not be
#if you recently asked me how i am doing. sorry#i do remember and value that. its just very hard to trust that as something i could ever actually lean on#like even to say that feels like maybe i am overstepping. so. yeah thats where im at haha#ive just gotten burned way way too many times at this point#forged in fire??? burnt to ashes#i used to think phoenixes were relatable but not really anymore#the vibe has changed completely#and really im on my way out. not in like a super depressing way im not about to kill my body but when i say#im transitioning to a p zombie its . not a fucking joke im done here#my support group of all things went to shit yesterday too so i really have nowhere to stand im just breaking breaking. breaking. breaking .#dissolving. dying. and im like kind of hurt that nobody even cares enough to know these things about me#but how can i blame people for not knowing that asking me how im doing is not enough#or like how can i blame people for not caring#ppl got their own lives or whatever idk how this shit works.#man im just so so so done.#my friend told me about some future worries today and i was just sitting there like man. how do you even.#talk like you will have a future#like anything matters like any of this is real#because to me it's pretty clearly not#i didn't say that shit to him obviously#id like to keep a friend or two around just in case idk#someone to go on a walk with#sometimes he asks me what i think about stuff#i like listening to myself talk. so i benefit from that#anyway the point of this post was that while im done being a self im also very fucking done being selfless#acting like i think i can help people or something. i cant. i dont want to. i dont care.#i just dont fucking care anymore.
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took a bunch of clothes to my mom's to wash them since my washing machine is still down and she said 'ill do it dw about it' and threw my favourite white top in with the colours. i no longer have a favourite white top :)
#and i cant even be mad at her because her husband is dead#lol and lmao#anyway the top is now the ugliest greyish minty colour and it looks horrible#normally i wouldnt mind. like there were two white tops and the other also got dyed and idc#but this one had a more unique idc shape? whatever you call that. and it was one of the very few crop tops#that really made me feel good about my body. like not even 'ok i guess i dont look like something that crawled out of a garbage bin'#but genuinely 'good'#and it feels so stupid to be this upset over such a small thing but i feel like ive been at the very limit for the last few days#with everyone fucking crying around me#that this genuinely feels like a tragedy to me rn lol#anyway im being nice and i keep saying its no big deal and nvm but ig you can see that im upset#so now SHE'S mad that I'M mad even tho im not even being a bitch about it im just Sad lol#kms#anyway i feel like shit and it all feels so overwhelming and to think that ill have to spend the long weekend in may here too#my dad and his gf will be at my place in wrocław going to concerts cause there's some sort of festival#all my friends will be chilling and having fun#and i cant even go to prague or vice versa because ill have to be here. having the time of my life with my mother and my grandpa#losing my mind and getting panick attacks in the bathroom lol
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