#I broke my own heart

[ghost-bxrd]

the past was kinder…

[archiveoftragedies]

“Love sometimes expresses itself in sacrifice. I thought maybe if she loved him, she’d let him go”

(Jim Kirk, Metamorphosis)

Lyrics from “Dear Fellow Traveler” by Sea Wolf

[hatchetfieldbrainrot]

I've had even more heartbreaking Ted thoughts that I need to share with you all. So, as we know, in Time Bastard, Ted was trying to get up the courage to confess his feelings to Jenny before he "passed out". The next morning, he wakes up to a letter from her, confessing her own feelings but thinking they're unreciprocated. Well, that's an easy fix. They're college students in 2004! They have cell phones. He just needs to call her. There's two possibilities for how that goes.

1. Jenny had her phone on her when she died so it got disintegrated along with her. Ted calls her and he gets that automated message about the number he's calling being out of service. God, was he that unimportant and disposable to her that she changed her phone number already? Did she actually love him or had she guessed his feelings and this was her idea of letting him down easy? She didn't give him another way to contact her so she obviously just wanted him out of her life.

2. Jenny didn't have her phone on her when she died so it survived somewhere. Ted calls her and it goes to voicemail. So, he leaves her a message telling her that he loves her too and she doesn't need to move to Clivesdale with Andy and please call him back, he loves her so much. Except she doesn't call him back that day. Or the day after that. Or the day after that. Days turn into weeks that turn into months and she still doesn't call him back. He confessed his feelings, told her he loves her and wants to be with her, and it didn't matter. His feelings weren't enough, he wasn't enough. She still moved to Clivesdale with Andy. So, why bother telling anyone that he loves them? It won't change anything.

[grace-williams-xo]

Anthony Bridgerton went from no emotions manwhore to simp malewife when he fell in love and Tim Laughlin went from hopeless romantic to feeling unloveable after he got rejected by his one true love,,,, opposite parallels I want to shrivel in a hole

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

This drabble is born from a really angsty brain riot with Bonten's origins, that happened to me after reading this words from @just-sp-in-inginthevoid :

"Bonten is a memorial for Izana, its symbol, its members’ tattoo come from Izana’s earrings and the (天) ten of Bonten 梵天 from Tenjiku 天竺, the (梵) bon of Bonten 梵天 comes from Brahman 梵. (...) There’s no need for Senju to have the same role as Izana in Bonten if she’s not dead."

(I always pictured Senju being death in that timeline, but the reality of the kanjis being literally THAT... ajfshgsjgejgrjg, the pain of this. Wakui, you know how to break us every timeline! 😭)

Bonten was born from pain.

(drabble of the day that Bonten was created)

Warnings: I'm so sorry, this is just angst and hurt/no comfort. I wrote it as an attempt of coping with canon and how painful is Bonten timeline when you actually look closer to it. It's from Koko's POV and everyone is just broke and devastated in their own way. Again, I'm so sorry :(

(English is not my first language, so be nice please 🙈)

Most people think Bonten is synonymous with fear.

But they are all wrong. Kokonoi knows better.

Bonten is synonymous with pain, it was born in it.

He still remembers the day that Bonten was created, even if it wasn't the official date, any of the executives would pinpoint the exact same moment.

Probably, only Koko could actually offer a coherent narrative of that night. The only outsider of all the chaos unraveling in front of him.

He still has nightmares of what he saw. But is not what happened what haunts him, no. Is the voices, the faces surrounding him.

Wakasa covered in blood, his eyes looking completely empty. His blank stare, like he couldn't believe who this blood belonged to. Benkei's hand on his friend shoulder, tearing up like a baby.

Takeomi curled up in the floor, sobbing next to his sister's body. Saying “it should've been me” over and over, the older man stuck in a loop of guilt and denial.

The former members of Tenjiku looking shocked, not moving a finger for what was supposed to be their gang, their leader. Koko spent enough time with them to know that, even if they were ruthless, seeing the leader of another gang being shot like that... Was too familiar.

Anyone who looked at them could see they never agreed with that. The ghost of Izana Kurokawa still lingered over them.

Kakucho was shaking, his lips trembling. The rain and the blood mixing with red snow in the scarred boy's mind.

The Haitani brothers unconsciously getting closer to each other. Ran pulling his arm around Rindou in a protective way, the younger one allowing it without complains. Both of them staring at Sanzu, terrified with the possibility of being on the pinkette boy place.

Sanzu's screams were the worst of it. The excruciating pain in his voice while he was holding Senju's body. His little sister's body. How he looked at Takeomi, tears rolling down his cheeks, his gaze filled with hate when he spoke to his older brother “I agree, it should've been you.”

Mikey standing there, the void in his eyes while his knuckles kept dripping with South blood. The man's body at his feet.

That gaze, dark and lacking of any emotion. Pure void that swallowed everything around.

(That swallowed them, trapped them like moths that flied too close to the sun)

Bonten was born from pain.

Bonten grew in pain, thrived with it.

And, Kokonoi is sure that whatever destiny awaits for them...

Bonten will die in pain.

[asexualenjolras]

If you value your mental health then don't think about the fact that Albus Severus Potter and Scorpius Malfoy had to sit through a Defence Against the Dark Arts class about the Unforgivable Curses after the events of Cursed Child.

Don't think about the fact that everyone was looking at them the whole time the Professor was talking, despite them purposefully sitting at the back of the class.

Don't imagine everyone whispering about the fact that Albus "didn't even need to be under the Imperius curse to do the things he did" because they don't know he only did it because Delphi tortured and threatened his best friend.

Don't think about everyone expecting it to be Scorpius that has a breakdown when the Cruciatus curse is mentioned, only to find out that it was Albus that was most affected.

Don't think about Albus shaking and having flashbacks of Scorpius' scream when the Professor talks about how painful the Cruciatus curse is.

Don't think about Scorpius doing his best to comfort his boyfriend without attracting attention to them both while Albus quietly tries not to cry aloud.

Don't think about Albus physically shaking as the Professor talks about how much of a risk of long-term damage there is with the Cruciatus curse, and don't think about Scorpius taking hold of his hand to remind him that he's still there and is still okay.

Just don't think about them having to sit there and relive the murder of Craig while everyone in the class whispers about the Killing curse.

Just don't think about it. Don't think about it at all.

[stripedstarsblueflags]

i didn't win the wheel: episode 6

would you believe me if i said i thought i was ready for how depressed doing this series was going to make me, but i was wrong? i am stupid. i am actually stupid.

Logan (in the most deadpan, empty, listless voice I have ever heard and I've worked with middle schoolers): "We will be playing a mini football– foosball– ah, game... and first to five– whoever wins–"

[he looks up at Alex, then points to the camera]

Logan the Game Show Host: "⭐⭐ Gets to spin that wheel ⭐⭐"

jesus christ, i remember starting this series, first rewatching it all, and realizing that i could literally watch everything drain out of logan episode by episode. i just.. legitimately forgot how quickly that happens. how few episodes there are. let me TRY to find something good... anyways, The Bit is back. at this point in the show logan is doing pretty much all the introductions, so alex has very much settled into his role of "can i play with this while you're talking? okay thanks :)". logan actually tries to direct his attention to the camera more than once as he's introducing it, because alex is just fidgeting away... but it's not restless or hyperactive or excited. it's like he's matching logan's energy. logan is dejected, lifeless, bored; alex is an absolute mirror right in the very introduction of the video which, um, not a good look if you're the editor. and then logan does his little thing and looks right at alex, even as he's moving away, and then *all of the sudden* there's this brilliant smile and he's actually laughing... and alex, who at first only laughs a little (because logan's dark cloud is raining on them both today) meets logan's eyes and hears the laugh and THEN his sunshine is back. look at how quickly he glances from logan back to the camera... it's like he's just unexpectedly been given his cue. oh! look at that! this is actually fun?? we're having fun?? listen to him i think we're having fun!

sorry to dash your hopes, alex. after the one glint of laughter, logan is immediately locked in, i mean look at him he's practically gritting his teeth. meanwhile alex isn't quite having fun– he's losing by a lot– but he's trying to sort of jumpstart some fun anyway. the whole time he's making his little noises like "aaaAAA!" or "oooOOoo" that don't really mean anything, but it's kind of like when you're trying to get your dog to do something it doesn't want to do... you put all the emphasis in your voice and pretend that the bath or whatever is actually THE BEST PLACE EVER and SUPER SUPER FUN just to get the task over with. to get participation. and logan is... well, he's participating in the game, but he's not participating in alex's game. and alex seems awkward and alone and like he's trying too hard, because he is. because he's expecting a little bit of banter, a little bit of anything from logan's side that he can sort of coax into something eventually, because if anyone can bring logan out of his shell it's alex. but right now he's left with nothing. logan's doing what he's told. he happens to be alongside alex. that's all alex is getting.

ugh, thank god that's over. we're warming up a little! only took the most painful game of foosball i've ever secondhand experienced. alex spent the whole time losing, but not only did he not really lock in, he also didn't stop talking for more than five seconds for, like, the whole game. "what team are you, by the way?" straight up asking useless questions just to get something. i said earlier that alex's exuberance comes out extra when he's around logan– subconsciously or consciously– but this is a very solid, definitive example of what it looks like when it's intentional. he's nearly embarrassing himself. he sounds like an absolute goofball because he's trying so hard to bring the energy up. because they've done this before, they've played together, they've connected, they've had fun, why can't it be like before? why can't they find their own little world away from all the shitshow around them just for three minutes like they used to? he's trying too hard and he doesn't really know how and it shows.

but look, we got that little win celebration. FINALLY. some emotion!! never mind the fact that there's literally no eye contact... hmm, wonder how alex will react to this?

[Logan is declared the winner, cute little transition graphic]

Alex: "Disgusting defeat..."

Logan: "5 - 1... I'll give it to you, I had a little practice trial before–"

Alex: "To be honest with you, I don't think it owuld have made a difference."

Logan: "A little..." (cuts himself off because he's laughing)

aaaaahhhhh that's refreshing. okay. you know what this reminds me of? episode two. "you're a lot better at golf than me, so i expect you to do well." neither of them approach these challenges with the arrogant, hyperbolic confidence of carlos and charles (which is always hilarious and adorable between those two but anyways) but they're generally pretty confident. competitive, like all drivers. i have yet to see a put down from one to the other stronger than the infamous wink of episode one but i can only count two instances where they're putting themselves down. logan did it first when alex was getting distracted by his own anxiety. and here alex does it. why? because he spent the whole damn game trying to break the ice and WHEN DID IT BREAK? at the win. at the hands-in-the-air, the cheering, the laughter. so now he's going to go after that feeling like he's cracked the case. he exaggerates not only his own defeat but also apparently his skill level? logan tries to sort of put them on an even plane and alex is like hell no i ain't messin with this self confidence moment. he's found some momentum, he's running with it, he's not going to drop it now. still fidgety but now turned almost all the way in to face logan. no eye contact, but not gazing all over the place either, he's listening. he's listening carefully. knowing the moves to make. and you know what?

Logan: "I mean you did score an oggie to lose, little own-goal.. but, uh–"

Alex (laughing): "Oggie..."

Logan: "Little oggie, oggie..."

(Alex is still laughing)

Logan: "But you know the deal. That means... I get to spin that wheel–"

(he and Alex immediately start laughing before he can completely round off the sentence)

it fucking works. it did take me a while to figure out what oggie meant because i'm culturally inept and even more so when it comes to anything to do with sport. anyway, it's a silly word, and alex has such a low threshold for what he finds funny (even LOWER if it's said by logan) that he can't help but laugh and repeat it to himself, and then because he's laughing logan goes ahead and repeats it again. looking over at him to catch the smile on his face. and of course alex can't even hold the eye contact because now he's flustered, because he wasn't ready for happy logan today and he doesn't know how to play it cool at the best of times... also standing that stiff with his hand on his hip so he can continue to face like 80% towards logan? is not playing it cool? logan smiles and alex remembers how head over heels he is. love to see it.

Logan: "So. Let's get into it."

Alex (frat boy Logan voice): "boom. spin that wheel babyyy"

(brief moment where he clearly has no idea what he just said)

Alex (normal voice): "What?"

(surprised and hysterical burst of laughter)

first of all, alex leaning into logan (while logan puts his own hand on his hip to make room) and putting his chin in his hand is fucking adorable. alex in general is adorable but can you imagine him acting this way with literally anybody else? even george? think about it the answer is no. moving on:

sometimes alex reaches the point of his silliness where nothing he says makes sense, even to his own ears. on team torque logan is obviously pretty used to the glittery moments of nonsense, but this is so random and so stupid that logan's laugh sounds like he was very much caught off guard, and then alex is laughing at himself and they're both cracking up and they have to visibly switch gears to focus on the wheel as it gets to a prize. because after all this they've finally gotten to ✨their space✨ and it's surprising because neither of them thought that was going to happen today! and it's a relief! but it's at the end of the activity. and we've gotten to a point where ✨their space✨ can only exist in little bubbles, little pre-designed staged moments when they're not in real life anymore they're just in a video. and then the video ends and real life is back and how are they supposed to keep pretending like the world isn't falling apart for one of them? how is that space sustainable in the real world?

so basically alex had to jump through eight and a half hoops to get to this point and it's over as soon as it's begun. because he doesn't get to have this part of logan in a way that he can keep. that part is off-limits to him, closed off by the neglect and the depression and the constant self-deprecation that is unspoken but visible from a mile away. logan's losing f1, he's losing his seat, he's losing his team, and alex isn't even comprehending that he's losing logan. he's not giving up his prompting or joking even when it gets awkward, even when logan might even consciously be shutting him out, because he's not willing to except that this is ending prematurely. "it ain't over til it's over" well alex fucking needs that. he needs every last second of logan he can get before they're torn apart and he doesn't want to spend those seconds looking at him between iron bars but that's what it feels like. because logan isn't allowed to have happiness and alex isn't allowed to have logan.

fucking hell

episode 7

[vampelric]

And that was a lie man how could they

MY BOYS

[pollyna]

I read this fic on ao3 where Mav tells Ice they aren't worth risking it all, because Mav worked too hard to be in a good place and he doesn't want to lose that. And it made me thing. Mav says they aren't worth it, that whatever love they could have isn't worth it and he doesn't regret it. But Ice doesn't stop loving him or resent him for that: he takes all this love and tries to help Mav to stay where he wants. For Mav, maybe, their love isn't worth it, but for Ice? For Ice is worth everything, even years later, when they hadn't talk to each other in years. It's worth it, because Mav is worth it.

[manuellarts]

"If only I could apologize,

Apologize a million times,

as many times as there

are stars in the sky.

If only I could apologize

for not being strong enough,

for having allowed you

to be hurt by this cruel world.

I welcomed you in a world

that has offered nothing,

but pain and suffering.

Yet in my heart full of sorrow,

you bring a light that

was unknown to my soul.

You are the sun that has

calmed my eternal storms,

and has made my rainy days

more tolerable.

You are too small to bear

any burdens.

Let me carry everything

that weighs upon your heart.

I will carry a mountain

to save you any ache.

I will carry a mountain

so one day,

you might forgive

my mistakes,

If God forbid, you may

ever remember the

pain I have caused you.

Yet I long for you to

remember me,

to remember me,

as the one who has

carried you,

into the sunlight.

I will hold you close

to my heart,

I will carry you until

you refuse the safety

of my arms,

and the sound of

my broken heart."

Some impromptu verses to accompany the video, which relates to my Awakening series 🩷

[pdraxxi]

SOLAVELLAN SONG! 🙂‍↕️

[completelymindfucked]

It chips away at dean’s soul bit by bit, these nights John spends drowning himself in whiskey-scented memories of a woman long gone. But he endures it silently for his father's sake - bears the name that's not his own on trembling lips, lets rough hands map Mary's silhouette over his skin in the dark. Because God help him, it's the only times John looks at Dean with something like tenderness or pride rather than disappointment. And it's more than Dean’s had in all their hard years on the road.

So he submits to the lie if only to glimpse a version of his father who might've loved him, once. Who claims his body as thoroughly as any lover, branding worship into every secret inch with lips and teeth and whiskey-stained words of adoration meant for a ghost. It's selfish, Dean knows, and his virtue is sacrificed on the altar of his own desperate need. But with John marking him wholly as his own under cover of darkness, it's almost possible to pretend a future where they could truly belong to each other without shadows of the past.

And so Dean bears it all silently - aching bruises and fractured soul alike - to keep this small illusion alive, if only for a night. To cling to the fantasies that sustain him through their brutal lives once reality calls John back in the morning. It will have to be enough. For now, their stolen moments will have to suffice.

[maaikeatthefullmoon]

Had the inevitable conversation with the 8yo about "If you could meet anyone in the world, who would it be", debating the pros & cons of a dinner party vs one-on-one conversations, etc.

And I realised my knee-jerk answer (I'd like to hang out with Neil Gaiman & Michael Sheen, because they're already mates and both seem cool and I've got loads of things I'd want to talk about with both of them) would actually be a fucking nightmare...

...because I would give myself away as being an unread, uncultured, philistine with a mediocre education and absolutely nothing interesting to bring to a conversation.

Reader, my whole concept of this fantasy of 'your ideal dinner party' or 'one person you could spend the day with' has just gone *poof* in my head when I realised I'd actually need to contribute and I am not at all interesting.

Please excuse me while I go cry into my Ribena.

Fuck, even my drink is mediocrity in a glass.

[electromignion]

Carving pumpkins 🎃

31st of October 1980

Jeremy Bradshaw is 5, and it’s one of the last memories he has with his father, Thomas, as he is going to disappear on the night of the 15th to the 16th of November 1980 💔

I’m very sorry as I’m also heartbroken by what I did 😭

But I like to think that Jeremy would end up being very nostalgic of Halloween because of that, and would be the one having candies to give is any kid would ring at his flat on Halloween’s night, and he’d even have candies for his student because he’s cool ™

I wanted also to draw Thomas Bradshaw for once because that doesn’t happen much kdkdkd (it’s a quick drawing so no intricate backgrounds or anything because I was really inspired by this idea:)

And when I saw this yesterday my brain just went immediately “Jeremy and Thomas Bradshaw” so here y’all go!

I also like to think that Jeremy has kept that t-shirt in his closet because it reminds him dearly of his father and still wears it time to time to this day 🥺

Speaking of the tee, I did research to do accurate touristy t-shirts so I got inspired by this one I had found on Etsy! (I thought that as Thomas worked for Bridgewater he must have had gotten something like that at some point AND it’s also a nice way to get a nod to the podcast like that 🤧)

[chaoticdelinqueerwithglitter]

Okay, yesterday I had a shared brain riot with @just-sp-in-inginthevoid about Kakucho not having a real birthday and the s62 throwing him unbirthday mad tea parties. More of once in a year because, hey, it's an unbirthday! Mostly because the Haitani brothers wanted a excuse to be extras and dress up, but also because they decided it was a funny way of trying to find out his real birthday (of course, Izana was the one that decided the official date).

In some way, this is the second part of this drabble here. What could be at least in Bonten!timeline.

Kakucho used to loves his unbirthdays. Before everything changed.

(Drabble of Kakucho during Bonten. There is some subtle KakuIza, but it's just a tinny moment easy to ignore and see it as platonic)

Warnings: Angst and hurt without too much comfort. I'm so sorry, I swear the idea was hilarious in my mind, but then Bonten timeline appeared and it refused to not be angsty. So yeah, I'm so sorry, Kakucho 😭

(English is not my first language, so be nice please 🙈)

"Happy unbirthday!"

Kakucho almost jumped when Ran, Rindou and Mochi screamed at him as soon as he entered his office.

He just sighed, because of course, he should've know better. It was Februart 1st, he's official "unbirthday".

But the scarred man thought, that now that they were all adults (and criminals, for god's sake), this surprises parties were over. Or at least, the costumes were over. He should've know better, Ran and Rindou missing a chance to dress up and be weirdos? Not in a million years. Even the poor Mochi was wearing some ridiculous bunny-ears.

"I'm not going to wear a costume, so don't even try it."

Kakucho managed to say as soon as he saw Ran's mischievous smile. Rindou looked disappointed, but the two brothers quickly shrugged that off. They tried every time, but no even Izana himself could make Kakucho dress with an "Alice" costume.

Oh yeah, his unbirthday parties had a theme. Always the same one. A mad tea party in Alice in Wonderland. But the Haitani brothers always wore a different costume. Every damn time. They could repeat characters, but outfit? Never.

Chesire Cat Ran smiled at him, not caring about his grumpy attitude.

"Come on, Kakucho, we deserve some fun. So sit down and drink your tea, before I decide this was a fiasco and we need to throw you another party soon"

Kakucho shivered with the idea. No thanks, he still remembered that times (He tried so hard to forger, yet, he still remembered everything). All the s62 generation throwing him a unbirthday party more than once a year. Because for some reason, the Roppongi rulers decided it was a good way of finding his real birthday. Ran was sure they would get it right eventually, Rindou was convinced that Kakucho would have a big reaction when they finally did it. Of course, both of them were wrong.

So, even if his "official" birthday was the date Izana decided for him, even if it was just supposed to be February 1st, he had more tea parties that he was able to count. Izana used to joke about how Kakucho was at least fourty with so many celebrations.

Maybe is that, he thought, the memory of Izana's laugh being too real for a second. Because now he finds himself smiling softly while drinking tea and eating cake with what's rest of his family. Mad Had Rindou is making jokes about Sanzu's insanity and Kakucho is laughing, he's actually enjoying this.

Kakucho had fun, even if they could only stole a couple hours for that. But he felt good for this hours, less alone. The reminder that there was still people with him that shared the same memories, the same grief. The left pieces of his broken family. Kakucho was not alone and his friends never failed to show him that when he needed it most.

Later that night, after finally finishing the job and cleaning everything up, Kakucho was unable to sleep. The memories were too present this time.

He still remembered the last umbirthday he was actually happy. A few days before the Kanto Incident. Even if everything was getting more dangerous, even with Kisaki's plots, with the raids on Toman, the Haitani brothers decided that it was the best day to do it.

Or maybe it was exactly because of that, who knows. Kakucho certainly needed to relax that day, he was tense with everything that was happening, with seeing that bastard manipulating Izana.

But that day, Izana shone. That day, Izana didn't talk about Mikey or Toman, focusing his full attention on his servant. He dressed up like the queen of hearts, like always. Refusing to wear any costume that didn't show how majestic he was. Kakucho thought the tanned boy always looked like a king no matter what he was wearing. But he never told him that. He never told him so many things...

Kakucho cries himself to sleep that night, curled up in his bed like a kid.

The image of Izana smiling at him printed on his retine.

Overlapping with the last time he ever saw Izana's genuine smile directed at him.

Snow threathening to fill his nightmares one more time.

His own regrets eating him alive.

[wellofdean]

Here's what I think: Cas knows Dean's heart, and in Despair The Truth, when he says "The one thing I want, it's something I know I can't have" he's not saying that he knows he can't have Dean's love, or that he thinks Dean doesn't return his feelings. He knows Dean loves him. How could he not? He's saying he knows he can't allow himself to avow it, and have the happiness of being with Dean, living in the full light of that love, because...