#I am venting

[lilacwriter07]

am I a bad person for not wanting to rekindle an old friendship ?

Also bitch the friendship was one sided -_- stop asking everyone for my number .

[whimsofavim]

I would just like to say that all of the women I know who have CHOSEN to not have children are more mothering and motherly than my own actual mother who chose to give birth to a child ✌️

[here-but-forgotten]

alejandro wouldn’t leave the kitchen a mess after leaving me super stressed out about his problems.

[nihilizzzm]

This is a heavy post, sorry.

What an emotional dump this ff is. I have like two chapters left to write still. But like…

Let’s just say i am raised in highly heteronormative country in which lgbtqia+ people are constantly deprived of their families’ love and acceptance all around them. And being raised in this reality is painful but also it’s not the worst it could be so who am i to complain?

I am also very happy to be raised in family full of acceptance and love. And by family I mean my closest family. However it still brings me pain to even think that I could one day fall in love with a girl (most likely tbh) and will have to tell this to them. I know they will be fine but the rest of my family would absolutely freak out and probably just be ashamed of me forever. So I am living for few years now with this feeling that I will never be loved because I am more scared of stepping out of someone else’s comfort zone than I am wanting to experience love. And I am ready to give up dreams about relationship only in order not to be a problem, because my own feelings are not worth the mess they will cause.

And I did similar thing with Boromir in my ff, because in this 16 chapter monster he is mostly scared of his growing feelings which he learned to throw away in order to serve Gondor and be good son of his father, who is not very excited about his oldest liking 🏳️‍🌈men🏳️‍🌈. This includes also a lot of feeling guilty after any physical interaction, being taught to fulfil some needs with shame and constant feeling of being an imposter, not worthy of meaningful love, because his way of life already made him too damaged for it.

Idk, i kinda wanted to share it, because as I read it now I see how much really I filled this ff with my own thoughts. And ofc it’s hurt/comfort with happy ending, because I want to convince myself I will get a happy ending.

I will fill an official complaint if i don’t get one. I will turn into a karen and ask to talk to the manager, because I deserve a happy ending for fuck’s sake.

I know this post is chaotic, sorry for that. I will tag it with trigger warning for homophobia and if anyone would like me to add any pls let me know, bc I know this whole thing is heavy as fuck probably

Anyway, have a good day/night and I truly love yall <33

[a-commas-a-pause]

Said to my housemate last night "if my paper gets its... eighth? I think? rejection, even AFTER I made ALL the revisions they asked for*, then I am going to throw myself into the sea."

[*this is a thing a thing that has already happened to me fucking twice because academic publishing sucks when your supervisor hasn't been in the field for three decades yet and doesn't have the connections for nepotism]

And I was just quoting Tumblr but you know what. It's summer. I live a brisk 3 hour train ride at most away from the North Sea. And I can swim. So yes actually. I'm committing to it. If my paper gets rejected fucking AGAIN I am literally going to throw myself into the sea.

And if it gets accepted I'm going to throw a party (not a joke this part is planned) and then maybe go throw myself into the sea anyway to celebrate.

I like the sea.

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

[misery-has-no-company-now]

(Horribly written rant ahead, ignore me over here if you want to)

Don't you just love it when your brother complains of pain in his leg once and he gets taken to the hospital for a full health check-up, meanwhile you wake up every day choosing whether to roll out of bed or push yourself up first based on which will hurt less because your entire body is always paining all the time but the two times you've complained of it you get yelled at for seeking attention alongside threats of being shown what actual pain is and whenever you appear to look even the slightest bit in pain with a grimace on your face you get told how it's all your fault, your fault, your fault, and nobody else's; even though you never blamed anyone for it and one of the few friends that you have told you that their parent with a medical background believes it's chronic, and your friends' parents believe you more than your own even when you've been walking on shards of broken glass your whole life just to ensure your parents are happy with you - even if they're never proud - and to make sure that you never give them an actual reason not to trust you and yet despite all that you're never believed when you talk about your pain, you're never the receiver of so much as the scrape of an understanding look, and you're never told anything except how it's all in your head, how it's because of you and your actions alone; and your problems are always cast aside with the simplest of comments of how it's because you don't drink enough water (but you're trying to quench your never ending thirst all the time, and they shout if they see you 'wasting' water by drinking a lot of it), don't eat enough (but otherwise it's that you eat too much and they hate to see you anywhere near the kitchen), don't sleep enough (but how can you possibly sleep in such pain?), don't exercise enough (but how can you, when it hurts so much that even the act of blinking feels like it will hurt every bone and muscle in your body?) and it's always you never doing enough, you never being enough, you never being satisfied with the life you live, you never being content with what you have, you being greedy and selfish and mean and attention-seeking and troublesome and burdening when all you want is for the pain in your body to go away?

I'm not hating on the fact that they were concerned for my brother over here, but I just wish that they won't make it so obvious that they didn't want me there. I thought they were finally happy with my existence once they stopped telling me that I was just an accident that upturned their lives unnecessarily and was a burden to deal with, instead just forgetting that I was even there, but looks like it turns out that they just found different ways of telling me know that, I guess.

[bright-haired-teacher]

going to vent this here, it's long and it's personal and it has nothing to do with teaching so don't even click it if you're not interested in me ranting about my partner

i can't fucking stand him anymore. we've lived together 5 years and i feel nothing but anger and frustration when i think about him. and he's completely fucking oblivious to how unhappy i am, just sits there and tells me "i love you" and i never say it back and this is Fine, to him i guess???

i'm so fucking miserable. like now that my work situation is sorted, i can acknowledge that my home life is a piece of shit. i'm happier when he's at work (he works 24hr shifts, sometimes even 48 which are AMAZING). i'm happier when he's not home. i sit there with the dog and i breathe a sigh of relief because i don't have to be on edge all the goddamn time.

he is not abusive. i can't stand him, but he's not an abuser. he's just. annoying. we are not compatible.

and of course i'm fucking poor as shit! i'm a teacher! and rents around here have fucking skyrocketed just like everywhere else. so i feel stuck! though i did spend a significant portion of my planning this morning doing math and making calculations to see if i can make it work and i can - barely - if i can find a rent payment under 1k (which do exist, tho they're rare) and if i don't consider things like security deposits, but i know i have friends who would spot me.

nowadays when i'm home i'm just so angry at him all the time. and i can't bring anything up to him because he gets so bitchass butthurt about it. like idk maybe it would be easier for you to clean your table if you would put stuff away as you use it instead of waiting until it's fucking disgusting!!!! and no i am not going to clean up behind you, i am not your fucking mother!

and like holy shit i cannot sleep when he's home, i'm just on edge. he makes so much noise. if i go to bed first or a take a nap, he is out there with the TV on fucking blast and using the ice maker and slamming the fucking door and like. HEY ASSHOLE. I AM TRYING TO FUCKIGN SLEEP. but again, let me bring it up, and he'll bring up the one time i woke him up like 2 years ago when i found judy on a nook island after like 600 tickets and i was freaking the fuck out!

he doesn't manage his health, he has diabetes and he shits. all. the. time. and it's fucking disgusting and the bathroom is right by my computer room so i get to listen to and smell his rancid ass constantly and sorry not sorry but if you're shitting that much there is SOMETHING WRONG, go see your doctor and/or fix your fucking diet. and he got mad at me last night for opening the bedroom door when HE FARTED AND IT SMELLED SO BAD I HAD TO HIDE UNDER MY BLANKET and he gets all sobby sobby "i can't help it" okay but we don't have to fucking soak in it, you could open the fucking door or something or spray the room or literally do anything to make it so i don't have to breathe your disgusting ass toxic fumes.

like goddamn i'm so fucking sick of him. i'm sick of the mess he makes and then he complains to me about it like it's my fault he made a mess???? fuck you. "if we buy a house together i need to know you can keep it clean" UH EXCUSE ME THOUGH WHOSE MESS IS IN THE KITCHEN. WHOSE MESS IS IN THE LIVING ROOM. HOW MANY CLOTHES ARE ON THE FLOOR ON YOUR SIDE OF THE BED. i was stressed tf when my part of the house was messy because of transferring schools and all the shit i had to bring home, and when i moved into my new school almost all of that was handled so we are not the fucking same.

can't even use the goddamn couch because he comes in the door and just dumps all his shit there after work like omfg seriously just put. it. away. it just piles up and makes it worse and you want to be all pissy about the mess that YOU. MADE.

and he's over there telling me how much he loves me and calling me "love of my life" and i'm like shut the fuck up i actually hate your fucking guts so bad and i can't believe you don't notice how i stiffen up when you wanna touch me and how much i get aggravated when you interrupt me when i'm doing something (like who THE FUCK interrupts someone who is sitting with a book in their hands? I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT INANE TIKTOKS I AM READING) then you're all oblivious like "are you mad at me?" YES! idiot! yes i am fucking mad when i'm doing something and you're making a fuckton of noise with your obnoxious tiktoks that you watch over your obnoxious reality TV. please leave me the fuck alone.

i cannot wait until i have enough money to move out of there. i wish i had never moved in. the whole point was to move in, split costs and save up so i could buy a house and then the fucking pandemic happened and shit skyrocketed and now i feel stuck af and i'm just fucking miserable and home is supposed to be my space to relax and i fucking can't and aspdgas;ldksjags;aoiseua;gliu ugh i hate.

i miss living alone. people think that you need to have a "connection" with someone, you have to surround yourself with people. no. i don't. i need animals and the internet and i'm FINE. people are assholes and make me miserable and that hasn't changed in 42 fucking years so leave me alone. please. goddamn.

ok i'm done because i do have to actually do some work today. motherfucker.

[campingwiththecharmings]

those people that are like 'talk to me!!!!!!' but when you try, they just ignore you lol 🤦‍♀️

[rafeandonlyrafe]

well 🧍‍♀️ as a reminder this blog is NOT a safe space for trump supporters but it IS a safe place for women, queers, trans ppl, people of color, undocumented people, and any marginalized group.

[oy-to-the-world]

I’m working on a shiur about gefilte fish and I’m reading an article about culinary tourism in Krakow and Szeroka Street from Eve Jochnowitz and it is almost always impossible for me to not be angry when I read about this tourism industry built on falsified Jewish history and culture (and, y’know, just about everything else in association)

[komodocloud]

do you guys ever feel like an outcast even in a group full of outcasts. like i'm autistic and even in groups full of neurodivergent people i'm still excluded sometimes. i don't understand why

[horreurscopes]

[rakimaiirisa]

I don't like raisins but I like raisin bran. Fam thinks I'm weird about it but putting raisins in cornflakes is not the damn same. Different flavor, different texture😤

[evakshinova]

dysphoria

[saccharinehell]

I did my best to be lovable.

[thegreymoon]

Turkish dramas infuriate me. The last one I watched in full was Bir Bulut Olsam years ago and the ending to that one brought on such levels of rage as I have rarely experienced while consuming any kind of media. I have since (mostly) sworn them off, but I still catch random pieces of some episodes of various dramas because my mother watches them while I am making dinner, which is enough to keep up with the plot.

Anyway.

The current one has a FL who is the embodiment of virtue, grace, innocence, beauty, etc. fall in love with this guy. But!! It turns out that the guy has a wife and small kids back in his village. He proposes to the FL while still very much married to said wife. The FL accepts! But then the wife shows up with the kids in tow, everything is discovered, shit hits the fan and the FL dumps the guy. So far so good, right? Well, then the guy starts pressuring his (traditional, conservative, religious, uneducated, unemployed, impoverished) wife who relies on him for everything for a divorce so that he can marry the FL. The FL still says absolutely not. Then I skip a couple of episodes, but tonight I watch some of it again, and the guy is so mad at the wife (??) for getting dumped by the FL that he hits her across the face (as in actual, on screen, explicit physical abuse) and absconds in an unknown direction. He ABANDONS the wife and two small kids because his mistress (not knowing that she is a mistress) now no longer wants a relationship with him as if this is their fault and refuses to return until the mistress takes him back. (Like???? What even???? But anyway.) Cue the wife and the kids begging the FL to make up with him so that he would return to her and the kids. I'm not even sure what the wife's plan is here? Both of them being married (?) to his cheating loser ass?? (Again, I missed some episodes). AND (!) THE FEMALE LEAD (!!) GOES (!!!) 🤬🤬

LIKE, WHO IS THIS EVEN BENEFITING?? ALL FOUR OF THEM ARE BETTER OFF WITHOUT THIS ABUSIVE, LYING, CHEATING LOSER!! WHY ARE WE EVEN DEBATING THIS?? WHY IS THIS EVEN AN OPTION?? A PLOT POINT?? WHY??

AND EVEN KNOWING EVERYTHING AND THINGS BEING AS THEY ARE, THE FL'S MELODRAMATIC ASS IS GOING, "Oh, I know he would do everything in his power to make me happy, but it is my fate to be unhappyyyyyyyy" 🙄🙄

LIKE. Girl. Sister. Bestie. Friend.

He is an ABUSER. A CHEATER. A LIAR. HE IS SELFISH. SELF-SERVING. SELF-CENTERED. SELF-ABSORBED. MANIPULATIVE. HE IS WILLING TO ABANDON HIS OWN FUCKING KIDS TO GET HIS DICK WET.

On top of it all, HE IS POOR.

WHAT HAPPINESS ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT???????? WHY DO YOU THINK THIS PATHETIC EXCUSE OF A HUSBAND AND FATHER WILL MAKE A BETTER PARTNER TO YOU??

I CANNOT WITH HER STUPID, WISHY-WASHY ASS.