#I am still!!!! sick!!! 🙃!!!
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it doesn’t count as kissing if you only use tongue
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I may be on day two of being stuck in bed thanks to some of the ✨worst back pain I've ever had in my life✨, but the neighbours are outside grilling, the window is open a bit, and it smells so fucking good. I'm not even hungry rn, but I am v much enjoying the second hand good food smells.
#text post#if im still not online much today the pain is why lmao#Housemate has been an absolute angel looking after me and helped me figure out it's nothing more serious#i just really befuckened my back 🙃#feeling a great deal better today than it did yesterday tho so I'm crossing my fingers I'll be back to normal by tomorrow#or at least as close to normal as possible lol#for today i am continuing the schedule of ibuprofen water edibles heating pad and naps on the wedge pillow#with the extra benefit of the neighbours grilling what must be something w/a nice marinade on it bc#like im not a big meat eater or bbq person at all but this smells so sweet and interesting that even im like 👀#...i might be slightly hungry actually but that's a win bc i was physically sick yesterday from this stupid knot in my back#and managed some nibbles yesterday but know i need to try and ramp that up today if possible#so grill away neighbours and help convince my stomach to nibble something later today
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good morning, saw the WORST slip up in my post at like midnight last night lmao pretend that didn't happen 🤣
#jrnlsht#i mean we all know who luke reminds me of 🙃#i didnt have to say it though#especially as i am still determined to keep that man off my blog from now on#there is still this gaping shocked ache in me that cant understand how nick went from telling me he loved me#and making plans to visit me in august#to cutting me off cold turkey and not answering my calls or messages the minute my illness turned from temporary#to scary real and maybe permanent#like ditching someone when they get sick is NOT love and never will be#i have forgiven him so much over the years i have loved him so much over the years#i thought he had me forever in that unfailing deep so strong it surpasses superfluous romance kind of way#but i was wrong#i cant ignore or forgive this
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Me: Surely eating double stuffed Oreos won't hurt my stomach THIS time, right? :)
Narrator: The Oreos did, in fact, destroy her stomach
#guys I am literally shitting and crying rn#why did I think that was okay. WHY#that's one of the foods that has made me sick before#but since when has that ever stopped me#honestly I deserve this lol#but still OWWWWW#it hurts so much#it's 2 AM I'm dying#gonna be a long night 🙃#IBS#gastrointestinal issues
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Unfortunately relatable. I grew up in the church and have a lot of Christian trauma from that. I show up for special occasions for my parents… sometimes. But it’s uncomfortable from the moment I step through the door. Bigoted pastor, the self-righteousness disguising the prejudice, the political comments from the altar. Shots at young people left right and center as if the hell on earth wasn’t caused by the same older generation 90% of the congregation belongs to..
I miss being young in the choir and the youth groups and not struggling with it. It’s wild to look back at the younger version of me who was unshakeable in his faith and honestly just saddening.
I was texting my sister today about it and she said
“I 100% think ALL of us have a ton of religious trauma and everyone else in the family just doesn’t realize it cause they’re still drinking the kool-aid.”
I ran out of tag room and didn’t want to delete any 😭 seriously not lying I could write a book about all my thoughts and experiences
#I relate to all of this so much#and it’s so sad how many people truly have religious trauma#I still find myself lucky and privileged cause I know there are stories MUCH worse than mine#it’s really hard cause my parents still think I’m a Christian#honestly at this point I have no clue what i am#even if I end up still being a Christian that doesn’t help or heal all of the years of church trauma#but the hard part is still acting the part for my parents#growing up I always tried to fit into the good Christian girl mold#cause I know that’s what my parents wanted and I didn’t want to disappoint them#but once I started smoking weed and they found out? it went all downhill from there#their perfect angel fell from heaven#and I feel like ever since I haven’t been really their daughter…. I’ve just been living on the outside looking in to everything#it hurts looking back at all the years I spent brainwashed into believing that was the ONLY faith#it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I went to a pro life rally#the thing I was talking to my sister about was how mental health was never talked about in the church#when I started dealing with it and went to my parents or the pastors or any adult really and told them what I was dealing with#wanna know what the first thing they would ALWAYS say? well have you prayed about it? the way they treated mental illness was that it was#YOUR fault cause God is punishing you for something…. that you need to pray or go to church so then God will eventually take it away#and the thing is I don’t necessarily blame my parents (which kinda sucks cause I want to blame someone)#but honestly it’s just the environment they grew up in too… like I’m 99% sure my dad has dealt with depression his entire life#but won’t get diagnosed or anything cause they always believe faith has something to do with it#which makes me incredibly sad cause I just think about how much my dad has suffered and how he didn’t need to#^^ I was typing this out when I was late to my family gathering hahaha but then I think my sister called or something so I had to stop#sorry this post is all over the place - I swear I could write a book about religious trauma#yesterday went ok surprisingly but today? TODAY is going to be so much worse#sure I’ll make a post about it later but I guessssss I should go to bed now? it’s 2am and I have to get up at 5:45 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#and I have a fuuuuull day of fun Christian festivities while I’m dealing with all of this bottled up and unresolved crap from my past#please don’t get me wrong I love my parents and like I said I don’t blame them - they did their best#it just really sucks wondering what my life would have been like if I didn’t grow up in the church or in a super religious family#I wonder if when I told my parents I was depressed if they would have instantly brought me in to get help
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bro come ON. my endo said my estrogen levels are finally down & testosterone is in the lead again. WHY is my period still beating my ass every month 😭
seriously can't believe I even made it in to work today at all, let alone stayed for a full 8 hours. I'm absolutely miserable. Honestly might just call in sick tomorrow if I keep having cramps this bad.
#i almost called in sick this morning and tbh im kinda glad i didnt because we were ALREADY down a person#but at the same time. holy SHIT that sucked. i spent p much all day in absolute agony#(ive been back on a consistent tgel dose since august but am still having a regular fullblown period each month. and they make me cramp BAD#i had a good 1.5yr stretch where i wasnt having them anymore & it was fucking awesome. and then health insurance fuckin ruined it 🙃#def calling my endo first thing tomorrow morning bc i NEED to know if there's any way i can make it Fuck Off sooner#if anyone has any advice to make this suck less in the meantime pls share i want 2 fucking explode 🙃#ace screams into the void
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i appreciate that while i've been too busy because of work and holidays and also miserably sick the last few days on top of everything else that i'm still getting a trickle of likes and reblogs on mostly gifs i've made over the last few months, it's a nice little pat on the shoulder that things i've made are still appreciated even if i'm too out of it to be actively doing anything constructive lately 💖
#i am so sick and so ready to be over it but i'm still a seasonal employee for now so i have no pto so i can't take any days off 🙃🙃#i have sunday off and can't wait to spend the whole day in bed#mia talks about things#mia talks about real life things
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So just throwing this other point for why it doesn't make sense from a story telling point to kill off Gabriel. He's also law enforcement and they can bring him out for plot points they want to explore that don't make sense for Carlos and then not have to spend time finding another actor to cast as a Texas ranger. And if I remember right Tim justified killing off Gwyn and Charles because he didn't know what to do with them. I have no idea what this tragedy is but hopefully it isn't something that makes zero narrative sense like killing off Gabriel or cruel like giving Tk huntingtons disease
[follow up to this post]
Hmmm that is a very good point!
Mark this under The Dreaded Thing is Not Happening column, thank you for your contribution!
#anon answered#911ls spoilers & speculation#if i werent so strongly looking for things to go in The Dreaded Thing is Not Happening column I would maybe point out a thing#(and that thing is the reoccurring character of Detective Washington)#BUT! I am ignoring that pls and thx#also small note but I do think Charles was technically killed off cause the actor got another better job and Tim...#... didn't know how to work around that & therefore 'didn't know what to do with him' - i'm not still bitter at all about that btw 🙃#negativity discourse all the bad words#<- only kinda but I know people are already sick of this gabriel talk and i don't blame them lol
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driving myself slightly bonkers trying to engineer a pollen screen of sorts ready for summer so i can use the ac and try not to spend months laying on the floor in misery due to my heat exacerbated Maladies WITHOUT letting air into the house, the very reason i needed to get an ac anyway (can't have the windows open lest i surrender my vision and breathing and nose to The Allergies). Why are premade pollen screens hundreds of pounds.... Why is my house not 100% square, instead being slightly wonky and leaving gaps in the already kinda garbage-y sliding-door-adapter through which pollen can get in..... i WILL be able to make one for i am guessing <£40? hopefully? (pollen-stop fabric, adhesive velcro, Long zipper) but it's A Lot to get my head around and i need to get a move on because otherwise before i know it summer will be here. Watch this space, telling friends about it will 100% motivate me to actually start it instead of keep stewing on it! :P
#i was so ill last year for so many months. like crying on the floor ill.#which is fine. like i got through it i am still here! but i would really really really like to not go through that again.#hopefully i will get a diagnosis that might give me access to medication that has a small but hopefully real chance of reducing some#of my symptoms in the next couple of months!!!#(I am ignoring the fact that having the ac on is so loud that it makes me sick from autistic issues so i can only use it a little 🙃#the little that is does help is huge and i'm v grateful for it. i just. wish i could like. live with air and heat and the world and stuff.#:P )#ANYWAY THIS IS DEFINITELY A FUN CRAFT PROJECT!#i'm gonna do it and i'll feel less ill and be real and alive for all the months of the year!
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#hhhhh im still really freaked out about needing a root canal thing done again on the same tooth#my clinic called me to make sure the doctor explained things to me#and i totally misunderstood everything she was asking me and i just mansplained everything back to her#she was looking for like a yes or no answer and i just foot in the mouth thought she wasnt clear on what the endodontist sent her#listen im tired and sore and scared and hadnt had pain medicine yet at that point in the morning#understated my pain too bc i have fibromyalgia and its like. i gotta subtract like 5 points to cover for the fact that...#...im in constant pain all the time including all of my teeth#she was like 'we can probably process the request for the second root canal by next week'#excuse me? 🙃 so im gonna be having fucked up half-teeth one on each side of my mouth?? till the end of january??#how tf am i supposed to eat anything?!?! my diet is already fucked up from having jaw pain and tooth pain from orthodontics#im having regular days of 3-digit calories and none of them are healthy calories except the supplements im taking like#how tf am i supposed to eat anything man im tired and its so hard for me to make any food at all bc of my back pain#im so fucking tired of everything i dont want oral surgery man just let me live with the infection at this point#that tooth doesnt have a root anymore so i dont even notice it and ive been used to the sensitivity since 2022 man#this is too much and im scared to call the tmj doctor about my orthodontics bc i dont wanna ...#...sit in the fucking car 2 hours each way to go for another visit bc of my back pain. its unbearable just sitting in the car 5 mins#wonder if getting orthodontics made the infection show bc of the tooth movements. just ugh. im sick of everhthing happening#vent#personal#medical#dental#delete later / /#ShitPost.exe
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I spent all my spare time today making him a 5hr long playlist but in my defence I asked him for is Spotify on repeat playlist and he sent me a playlist he made back instead so I kinda had to right?
I've had a playlist made for me and honestly I thought that was cute as heck but I've never actually made a boy a proper playlist. I've made ones about relationships but never made a playlist to actually send to one.
I'm nervous. He's sleeping. He said he'd listen to it at work and I was like oh no that's an awful idea. I've not made a work appropriate playlist in my life.
Anyway it's almost like 2am and I've abandoned all responsibility.. I need balance. I need sleep.
#he said its cause the girls at work messed up his spotify cause he lets them use it#oh i lied but i only got 2 songs in and gave up#sailor boy#diary#i am sick#and uh haha this playlist is just for him only him no one else#this is fucking vunerable af for me#we will see if he still wants to do a cute lil hotel getaway after he listens to my head 🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃
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not me finally hitting adventure rank 59 just a few hours before 5.0 like dang girl VERY nice timing👌👌
#also 5.0 TODAY??#being sick sucks so bad it feels like i time traveled like a week into the future#im not readyyyyy#i probably won’t even do much with it yet since i still feel absolutely awful🙃#BUT i am very excited about some of the qol stuff#so im DEFINITELY going to tinker a little😤#ensured three boss drops im SO ready for you <3333
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Woah i love being not able to sleep and feeling nauseous all the time from extreme stress. I love having my hair fall out again and having to take pepper spray to work because i have a stalker now. I love not having a moment to myself and having to clean or cook or look after dogs or etc etc 🫠🫠
#genuinely what the fuck am i supposed to do#i had a sobbing breakdown this morning because i broke something of mine looking for other peoples shit#i feel like i cant even have ONE fucking thing#sorry for the vent im just. trying so hard not to lose it every day#i feel so sick all the time and not being able to sleep is making it worse#ive been feeling exhausted and fatigued for months but i literally dont have money to see a doctor#barely eating anything and still gaining weight too. mostly bc of nausea 🙃
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#god DAMN it#how do i turn off my stupid thing that i do where if i can sense that a guy likes me i just#can't help but play into it a bit?? even if i don't like them back that way#i think it's because the chase/crush phase of anything is entertaining and i am easily bored#it feels like a game and that's fun even if it's not serious#the problem is it's so easy to interpret the excitement of having fun as attraction or romantic interest when it actually isn't#and then you have this mess of being tangled up with someone and realizing you don't want them and you're going to have to hurt them#and you don't know why you can't just BE NORMAL ugh#i also think i project this sort of mysterious vulnerable sad girl vibe that makes certain guys want to take care of me#and my entire being physically rejects that even though a part of me does want to be taken care of rather desperately#basically i think im very much one of those women men later describe as having been crazy or screwed up#cause im constantly getting conflicting feedback from my mind and body and as a result i give very mixed signals#ive never tried but im relatively certain i would also do this with women because even though the baseline fear is absent#the general anxiety and dread i have around vulnerability would still be a big factor#anyway i would just really like to be able to like somebody without constantly questioning if it's real and not feeling physically sick 24/#🙃🙃🙃🙃🙃#tbh i think part of it is just that as far as my nervous system is concerned#sex is dangerous and so is anyone who might want it from me
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#I am having a day 🙃#hell shift at work#they’re short staffed and my boss is out so it falls to me and just#there is no way one person could complete what they needed#I skipped my 15 and got out late and it’s still not done and I gotta deal with shit in the morning#stg I almost quit on the spot again this shit is ridiculous#then got a letter complaining about my husbands car from the township#the registration is expired but it’s on our driveway#someone complained to the township and they’re saying it has to be covered with a tarp#we have some time to get it done but said tarp is $60 so kinda mad#know exactly who complained too#it was the asshole neighbor down the street who keyed my parents car and got caught#the one who also keyed my car but we can’t prove mine :/#and I’m either getting sick or my allergies are kicking it or my long covid is acting up cause I’m run down#or all three#I’m coughing and running a fever again and I’m so achy I feel like I have the flu#wanna just curl up and sleep 😞
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Feel like death, trying to convince myself it’s okay to leave work even though my anxiety is like “no that’s not allowed”
#I was fine this morning#so ofc like ten minutes after I clock in#my period decides to start AND a migraine develops and because I’m already here that means no pain meds#I am 🙃🙃#and I have plenty of sick time#but my brain is like ‘but what if you use it now but then get even MORE sick later but don’t have enough cuz you used it now’#and I know that’s ridiculous but 😭#I also feel bad because they only scheduled one other closer tonight so if I leave I’m leaving them alone#which I know is not my fault that’s on them for understaffing#but it’s still gonna be my coworker who suffers for that not management or the company and just#hnnnnnn I wanna leave so bad someone tell me it’s okay to leave#I want to lay down in a dark room and take ibuprofen and go completely fucking brain dead#kaz rambles
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