#I am so damn tired

[zharizard666]

it is MIDNIGHT and my brain wouldn't let me sleep because it kept going "oh you forgot how to draw anime, you can't draw anime, you anime-less bitch" and so on SO HERE IT IS,

ANIME NINTEN.

[captain-habit]

Trying really hard to work on telling certain people (namely my parents) "NO" when I can and need to. It's been difficult because I owe them a LOT, but I won't be able to get myself anywhere if I just burn myself out each day taking care of them.

There is just so much all the time, and it's hard not to get swept away by it, but I also need to take care of myself. I'm already dealing with so many chronic things that leave me in SO MUCH PAIN, I can't be pushing myself for them in a way that's any more detrimental for my health.

[quarantineddreamer]

Health rant below the cut cause idk it helps to just hurl it into the void

I don’t want to try the medicine with the shitty side effects (vision changes, hair loss etc.) but I have officially reached the point where my pain has been at a consistent 6-7 for a full month, my wrist won’t bend, aaaand my choices are the side effects or permanent joint damage so here the fuck we go 😩

And the fun part is I could just get the side effects and STILL not see improvement, or even if it does work I’ll have no idea for how long before I have to try something else hahahahahahahahahaha

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Well, just as sorta predicted, literally as I finished using the swing blade to cut the yard in town, the person I was supposed to borrow the lawnmower from FINALLY got back in touch with me.

At least it wasn’t an emergency.

Though, on the other hand, I dunno why they ever said they would give me a hand this morning if they had this other stuff planned. I’d understand if something unexpected came up, but ….

TBH, being told they were going to help me in the morning, then not hearing anything from them for more than a day, then being told at almost 4pm that they could be ready to loan it (not help, now) in half an hour…is irritating.

I mean, they don’t have to loan it to me. I appreciate that! But I waited and waited because of what they said. And if they had so much as sent me a text I might not have spent hours hacking at the damn grass!

Ah, my fellow humans. They are good at promising, and mean it in the moment, but if you aren’t a part of “them”, someone that’s a priority, you really can’t count on people.

Because, by nature, I feel extreme guilt at the very thought of not doing something I’d said or disappointing people, I keep forgetting not everyone is like that. Then I am the one disappointed! LOL

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be someone’s priority? Someone that can count on folks because I know I matter to them?

Oh well. Maybe I can borrow it in a few weeks. Or maybe I should just see about sharpening that swing blade and finding some gloves.

(I’m gonna be real sore, but it’s the blisters that are the problem. Burst blisters. And I need to work on sculpting Mom’s Mother’s Day gift. UGH!)

[drachenson]

Tragedy: local fox goes to work even if she doesn't want to

[happilymad]

Another birthday

[tabethacat]

Look at me, but don't stare

Stairs lead down, don't go there

Talk with me, don't converse

I always fear the worst

Care for me, not about

Don't attach to my doubt

Touch my skin, not my heart

Maybe now, I can start

- Ugh

[fandanglefrogfarts]

Man this Thursday sucks because it's Tuesday. And also because of the horrors. But mostly the Tuesday thing

[mass-convergence]

Second dose of adderall has not assisted in making me feel any less crummy during the afternoon. I think I just am genetically wired to be the one that tends the fire and watches out for bears in the middle of the night.

I think the only thing this dose has done is like make me marginally more able to focus. But man do I feel like shit warmed over.

[gae-ta]

and the absolute worst is that i've given so much, worked so goddamn hard.. shown her time and time again that i view work as a team effort and i've done so much goddamn overtime and over and beyond...

yet i am treading egg shells

the lady wants us to take our problems to her if we got any but the same time you tell your issues she might blow a fuse

[threadmonster]

Everything in my life led up to me earning my team in Anime Jeopardy $100 because I knew where [picture of Oikawa and teammates of Haikyuu] go to school which dressed up as tragic blue hair boy Vanitas.

[unbisoudelibby]

i bring a sort of… coffee stench to the classroom that my professors hate

[dinothedemonkiller]

Imagine if you died in your sleep you die like an NPC ragdoll. Like you're just laying in bed and then suddenly

"Ooolughhhh" *teleports to your feet before your knees bend and you fall back into your bed with your arms out in the air*

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Tonight I watched Star Wars….

Oh, yeah, look. I know the young folks call it “A New Hope” or “Episode IV”, but when I was growing up the first movie was “Star Wars”. If Lucas still expects me to accept his tinkering after I had LITERALLY seen the movies more than 100 times, then I’m never gonna use his rebranding.

Yes, really. 100 times.

I worked my ass off cutting brush growing up to earn enough money to buy the movies on VHS. This is back in the days they were rental priced. I think I paid $75 per movie and then went and bought the Han vest and Luke jacket the fan club was also selling.** When I got those three tapes I would sit there a day watching the movies like an endless loop, starting over as soon Jedi was over. And I actually kept count on a chalk board!

It’s soooo damn embarrassing now! I can’t get my head around it. i can’t even stand to watch two episodes of a tv show back to back now. But back then I was in love, a total fangirl..

Plus, yah know, no streaming, no internet even, no cable, a handful of VHS tapes because they cost so much still, and the nearest video rental places a couple shelves in Roses 10 miles away! If you wanted to watch something at home there weren’t many choices! LOL

But I did love it, a deep unconditional love. The visceral thrill I felt as a six year old sitting by my father rippled through my life for decades. I’d watch the movie and feel it again every single time. It was a delight that was filled with the warmth of something connecting with you in a way that if feels it was always there. It was like a part of identity manifest in a movie***. Empire was my favorite, but Star Wars would always have a special place in my heart.

Or so I thought.

**sigh**

I wish I could feel what I always used to feel. I felt nothing tonight. No warmth. No delight. Just a hollowness.

And then I went into a full MST3K monologue, mocking my once beloved movie. I wish someone had been here to laugh. I miss laughter. Saying something and someone else snickering or smiling or even totally losing it in gales of laughter…now that’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.

But I couldn’t even feel the humor. Just nothing.

I’m not sure it’s the fault of Star Wars. I’m not feeling anything much from things I have always loved. Nothing brings delight. Not anything I watch or read or listen to or eat or wear or do or…. I can’t blame any of it on what I loved failing me. They are unchanged (well, relatively…damn you Lucas) but something about me has.

I’ve had all my hope worn away. It’s too hard to be happy anymore. Surviving is all I feel like I do, but I’m doing it by habit and my core obstinance rather than caring.

You can’t really love if you can’t even care. I know I love these things, but it’s like knowing you are supposed to love someone while suffering from amnesia.

Funny though that I can still feel grief over all this. I mourn loving things. It scares me, this nothingness where I always felt so much.

** I wore that vest to school every single day for at least a year! It’s so beyond ridiculous!

I mean, I always seemed to have a “thing” I wore like a life line, connecting me to the “real” me. School was traumatic, and I was losing myself to to it. I’d gone from extravert to introvert, and told myself I was just acting to survive. But I felt it happening, the crippling insecurity, the fear of people, seeping into my bones. So I’d wear something. For it a few years it was my ankh (lost), then my amethyst amulet (lost), then my denim jacket with a daily rotation of buttons/ pins/badges/brooches, and finally my leather jacket (my beloved). But that year did I have to latch onto this utterly geeky bit of clothing???

Of course, no one ever seemed to guess it was from Star Wars. You see, the movies were super popular, but geeks were NOT. To admit you knew what it was was to admit you were a geek too. I was the school’s (a K-12 school at that!) only open geek. I even wrote my senior year term paper on comics….’cause fuck it, I’ll never be popular but I can at least be me!

Gah, I remember Coach G—— (how victorian of me!) , the health/PE/science teacher, used to stand behind me pulling at the loops on the back of the vest. He’d be talking away and suddenly I’d feel the yank, yank, yank he pulled me back and forth. Drove me nuts, but hey, at least he never groped me like I heard some girls had to deal with.

(WTF was with our school always having the coaches teach science when most of them had no interest or knowledge of the subject?? Tells you the value they put in science here, and why my father did a TON of volunteer work in those classes!

***TBH, I had this feeling that all the movies, books, comics, and tv shows I loved created a I kind of mosaic of me. To know what I loved was find out all the puzzle pieces you needed to see who I was. I desperately wanted to be understood. The things I liked would let me be found by someone.

Actually, wearing my geekiness out in the open was like advertising! I was hoping against hope someone would one day see a book I was reading or a t-shirt I was wearing and say “Hey! I like that too!!”

Which is a bit absurd. No two people see things the same way. The thing I liked my be perceived completely differently by someone else. WHY I like what I like is the actual key, and I’m the only one really that knows that.

Plus, hick town, teeny population, still in the anti-geek era…..yeah, I wasn’t exactly gonna get lucky. My parents did when they met, but to think I would too is like expecting to win the lottery because your parents did!

[apostaterevolutionary]

Okay can I be a bitter Anders fan for like. Just 2 minutes here lmao

Cause bioware released some game stats for veilguard and apparently 72% of players redeemed Solas which is like. Okay yeah the game kinda pushes you towards that. But when I think of all the shit I used to have to put up with just for enjoying Anders like at all and…

(This is not me being anti-Solas, I do not care if you love or hate him, but I am gonna say what he’s done is like. Objectively worse than literally every other companion so lmao. And that’s fine! You can still enjoy him! I’m not saying you can’t and it’s important to me that people understand that! I’m just saying he did in fact do objectively morally worse things in game than Anders did and I don’t think that’s really debatable. And I can’t really make my point here without saying that but I do want to make it clear this is not some moral condemnation of Solas enjoyers cause it’s not)

Getting anon hate on the regular, being told “oh you’re allowed to like Anders as long as you regularly talk about how much he sucks”, people gleefully describing how much fun they have killing him ON your posts about the fact that you like him, the devs making jokes about shitty fates for him when fans asked innocent questions about him, the absolute audacity of his writer to say half the shit she did in interviews (about bisexuality and mental illness, most critically), and then being beaten over the head again in inquisition about how Anders is the worst character to ever exist and there’s no redemption for terrorists who lie to you one time in the entire game and he deserves death or worse and that’s it

And now… 72% of people are down to redeem the guy who lies to you for 2 games straight and who did a lot of questionable things that includes creating the fucking blight and. Like. I guess I’m glad that Solas fans can live in a world where they aren’t constantly harassed and can give their ship like. A pretty damn good ending all things considered. And that the devs love Solas and actually give the option for that happy ending and have characters go to bat for Solas throughout the game and the most annoying thing they have to see are people making scrambled egg memes. I would not wish anyone to have to deal with the shit Anders fans had to put up with back then cause it sucked. It really sucked. And I’m glad it’s not being repeated with a different character, if nothing else

But like. Man there really is a difference when the writers actually like the character who does the thing, huh