#I am so damn tired

[zharizard666]

it is MIDNIGHT and my brain wouldn't let me sleep because it kept going "oh you forgot how to draw anime, you can't draw anime, you anime-less bitch" and so on SO HERE IT IS,

ANIME NINTEN.

[captain-habit]

Trying really hard to work on telling certain people (namely my parents) "NO" when I can and need to. It's been difficult because I owe them a LOT, but I won't be able to get myself anywhere if I just burn myself out each day taking care of them.

There is just so much all the time, and it's hard not to get swept away by it, but I also need to take care of myself. I'm already dealing with so many chronic things that leave me in SO MUCH PAIN, I can't be pushing myself for them in a way that's any more detrimental for my health.

[quarantineddreamer]

Health rant below the cut cause idk it helps to just hurl it into the void

I don’t want to try the medicine with the shitty side effects (vision changes, hair loss etc.) but I have officially reached the point where my pain has been at a consistent 6-7 for a full month, my wrist won’t bend, aaaand my choices are the side effects or permanent joint damage so here the fuck we go 😩

And the fun part is I could just get the side effects and STILL not see improvement, or even if it does work I’ll have no idea for how long before I have to try something else hahahahahahahahahaha

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Well, just as sorta predicted, literally as I finished using the swing blade to cut the yard in town, the person I was supposed to borrow the lawnmower from FINALLY got back in touch with me.

At least it wasn’t an emergency.

Though, on the other hand, I dunno why they ever said they would give me a hand this morning if they had this other stuff planned. I’d understand if something unexpected came up, but ….

TBH, being told they were going to help me in the morning, then not hearing anything from them for more than a day, then being told at almost 4pm that they could be ready to loan it (not help, now) in half an hour…is irritating.

I mean, they don’t have to loan it to me. I appreciate that! But I waited and waited because of what they said. And if they had so much as sent me a text I might not have spent hours hacking at the damn grass!

Ah, my fellow humans. They are good at promising, and mean it in the moment, but if you aren’t a part of “them”, someone that’s a priority, you really can’t count on people.

Because, by nature, I feel extreme guilt at the very thought of not doing something I’d said or disappointing people, I keep forgetting not everyone is like that. Then I am the one disappointed! LOL

Wouldn’t it be lovely to be someone’s priority? Someone that can count on folks because I know I matter to them?

Oh well. Maybe I can borrow it in a few weeks. Or maybe I should just see about sharpening that swing blade and finding some gloves.

(I’m gonna be real sore, but it’s the blisters that are the problem. Burst blisters. And I need to work on sculpting Mom’s Mother’s Day gift. UGH!)

[i-dont-think-ill-get-better]

Bobby

1/24/23

I am regressing. I haven't sat in bed on my computer in the dark sobbing, wiping my face with toilet paper sober in so long. It is 9:54pm. I am in bed listening to Bobby by beabadoobee crying. When I was in high school, a boy I was dating sent me the song Bobby; he said it reminded him of me. I was 15 then, so this song struck a chord with me. Here I am five years later, listening to it, and the feelings I had when I was 15 arise again. Everyone always told me to be positive; time will heal it all. "You have so much to live for." I have experienced some great things in those five years but haven't. I tried to k*** myself three times within those five years, went to rehab three times, and to the psych ward four times. I always get so defeated when I think of all my friends who are successful now or have overcome all their struggles and dealt with them healthily. I always wish to stop being so disappointing to myself and others. Nothing or no one can be blamed except me.

“Nothing would last

Wishing her mind didn't think so sad 'Cause Bobby always had a stitch on the left side of her wrist Despite the love she'd get, she dismissed”

Bobby - Beabadoobee 

Today was so hard. My boyfriend is in rehab, and I am overseas with my family because I just got out of rehab and needed to be with them. I can only hear from him once a day for fifteen minutes at 7:30 AM because of the time difference. When I answered his phone call this morning, I knew it wasn't going to be well, my gut just told me so, and I was right. He told me his family didn't want me to live with him, and we had plans. I came home, and we stayed with his family. Instead, they are putting him in sober living, and I am not allowed at their home. We also had plans to move north, and I don't know if I can come with him. He said they can't decide, but they are paying for our place, so I wonder if that's true. I am so scared. I want everything to work out. I love him so much. When we talked, he told me their opinion didn't matter, but I felt so guilty that I strained their relationship. I always feel like a burden. He's my person, and somehow I hurt him by being his girlfriend. Tomorrow I am going to try and pretend to be okay. He will know, but I am going to try. I have so much anxiety that I have cried all day and still am. All I want is him, and I don't like his family affecting our relationship. He reassured me in many ways, but my head got the best of me. My heart aches for him, yet I feel empty right now. The pain never fails to rob me of any relief.

“It's that feeling of dread

The fact you may never again Be the one in my bed You never took this fire for granted But granted yourself Self relief, self relief”

“It's that feeling of blue The color most acquainted with me, with you I never took your smile for granted While granting myself no relief“

Odd Reasons - Donovan Melero, Moondough

I am so broken right now.

[drachenson]

Tragedy: local fox goes to work even if she doesn't want to

[veritasrose]

Guess who ran around the back yard for an hour and is wearing me the fuck out?

Anyways, its safe to say Wrex is feeling right at hone.

[itstimeforstarwars]

My department may not be united in much...we don't agree on christmas music, or how hot is hot food, or what a long distance to drive is...but we are united by our hatred of this one FUCKING supervisor...

[happilymad]

Another birthday

[tabethacat]

Look at me, but don't stare

Stairs lead down, don't go there

Talk with me, don't converse

I always fear the worst

Care for me, not about

Don't attach to my doubt

Touch my skin, not my heart

Maybe now, I can start

- Ugh

[fandanglefrogfarts]

Man this Thursday sucks because it's Tuesday. And also because of the horrors. But mostly the Tuesday thing

[mass-convergence]

Second dose of adderall has not assisted in making me feel any less crummy during the afternoon. I think I just am genetically wired to be the one that tends the fire and watches out for bears in the middle of the night.

I think the only thing this dose has done is like make me marginally more able to focus. But man do I feel like shit warmed over.

[gae-ta]

and the absolute worst is that i've given so much, worked so goddamn hard.. shown her time and time again that i view work as a team effort and i've done so much goddamn overtime and over and beyond...

yet i am treading egg shells

the lady wants us to take our problems to her if we got any but the same time you tell your issues she might blow a fuse

[threadmonster]

Everything in my life led up to me earning my team in Anime Jeopardy $100 because I knew where [picture of Oikawa and teammates of Haikyuu] go to school which dressed up as tragic blue hair boy Vanitas.

[unbisoudelibby]

i bring a sort of… coffee stench to the classroom that my professors hate