#I just wish I belonged somewhere

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Tonight I watched Star Wars….

Oh, yeah, look. I know the young folks call it “A New Hope” or “Episode IV”, but when I was growing up the first movie was “Star Wars”. If Lucas still expects me to accept his tinkering after I had LITERALLY seen the movies more than 100 times, then I’m never gonna use his rebranding.

Yes, really. 100 times.

I worked my ass off cutting brush growing up to earn enough money to buy the movies on VHS. This is back in the days they were rental priced. I think I paid $75 per movie and then went and bought the Han vest and Luke jacket the fan club was also selling.** When I got those three tapes I would sit there a day watching the movies like an endless loop, starting over as soon Jedi was over. And I actually kept count on a chalk board!

It’s soooo damn embarrassing now! I can’t get my head around it. i can’t even stand to watch two episodes of a tv show back to back now. But back then I was in love, a total fangirl..

Plus, yah know, no streaming, no internet even, no cable, a handful of VHS tapes because they cost so much still, and the nearest video rental places a couple shelves in Roses 10 miles away! If you wanted to watch something at home there weren’t many choices! LOL

But I did love it, a deep unconditional love. The visceral thrill I felt as a six year old sitting by my father rippled through my life for decades. I’d watch the movie and feel it again every single time. It was a delight that was filled with the warmth of something connecting with you in a way that if feels it was always there. It was like a part of identity manifest in a movie***. Empire was my favorite, but Star Wars would always have a special place in my heart.

Or so I thought.

**sigh**

I wish I could feel what I always used to feel. I felt nothing tonight. No warmth. No delight. Just a hollowness.

And then I went into a full MST3K monologue, mocking my once beloved movie. I wish someone had been here to laugh. I miss laughter. Saying something and someone else snickering or smiling or even totally losing it in gales of laughter…now that’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.

But I couldn’t even feel the humor. Just nothing.

I’m not sure it’s the fault of Star Wars. I’m not feeling anything much from things I have always loved. Nothing brings delight. Not anything I watch or read or listen to or eat or wear or do or…. I can’t blame any of it on what I loved failing me. They are unchanged (well, relatively…damn you Lucas) but something about me has.

I’ve had all my hope worn away. It’s too hard to be happy anymore. Surviving is all I feel like I do, but I’m doing it by habit and my core obstinance rather than caring.

You can’t really love if you can’t even care. I know I love these things, but it’s like knowing you are supposed to love someone while suffering from amnesia.

Funny though that I can still feel grief over all this. I mourn loving things. It scares me, this nothingness where I always felt so much.

** I wore that vest to school every single day for at least a year! It’s so beyond ridiculous!

I mean, I always seemed to have a “thing” I wore like a life line, connecting me to the “real” me. School was traumatic, and I was losing myself to to it. I’d gone from extravert to introvert, and told myself I was just acting to survive. But I felt it happening, the crippling insecurity, the fear of people, seeping into my bones. So I’d wear something. For it a few years it was my ankh (lost), then my amethyst amulet (lost), then my denim jacket with a daily rotation of buttons/ pins/badges/brooches, and finally my leather jacket (my beloved). But that year did I have to latch onto this utterly geeky bit of clothing???

Of course, no one ever seemed to guess it was from Star Wars. You see, the movies were super popular, but geeks were NOT. To admit you knew what it was was to admit you were a geek too. I was the school’s (a K-12 school at that!) only open geek. I even wrote my senior year term paper on comics….’cause fuck it, I’ll never be popular but I can at least be me!

Gah, I remember Coach G—— (how victorian of me!) , the health/PE/science teacher, used to stand behind me pulling at the loops on the back of the vest. He’d be talking away and suddenly I’d feel the yank, yank, yank he pulled me back and forth. Drove me nuts, but hey, at least he never groped me like I heard some girls had to deal with.

(WTF was with our school always having the coaches teach science when most of them had no interest or knowledge of the subject?? Tells you the value they put in science here, and why my father did a TON of volunteer work in those classes!

***TBH, I had this feeling that all the movies, books, comics, and tv shows I loved created a I kind of mosaic of me. To know what I loved was find out all the puzzle pieces you needed to see who I was. I desperately wanted to be understood. The things I liked would let me be found by someone.

Actually, wearing my geekiness out in the open was like advertising! I was hoping against hope someone would one day see a book I was reading or a t-shirt I was wearing and say “Hey! I like that too!!”

Which is a bit absurd. No two people see things the same way. The thing I liked my be perceived completely differently by someone else. WHY I like what I like is the actual key, and I’m the only one really that knows that.

Plus, hick town, teeny population, still in the anti-geek era…..yeah, I wasn’t exactly gonna get lucky. My parents did when they met, but to think I would too is like expecting to win the lottery because your parents did!

[silkjade-archived]

i haven’t been here much recently, and i’m sorry i’ve only been negative on the off chance i’ve been online, but let me just say one last piece before the end of this month, so that maybe the next might be better….

[tamagotchikgs]

my sister wants to go to the fair again n i cant and everyone is mad at me for it n i already felt guilty for not doing it n i just . stuck in my room in a ball crying n shaking & squeezing myself as tight as i can 2 make it all stop

[elven-kisses]

send message in gc it is silent for a whole 12hrs

anyone else sends mrssage and it is immediately active

rinse and repeat

[knifeslidez]

the queer community rn (at least in my experience) kind of feels comparable to a clique-filled cafeteria. perpetual "well you have x trait/identity so you can't sit with us" from all sides

[oglegoggle]

Went to nonbinary support group earlier this evening. A fun and silly question was asked, “What’s your non-traditional gender?”. The person asking described their gender as some cigarette butts floating in a gross puddle, another person describing themself as a cigarette butt with lipstick stains on it, my love described themself as a bunny rabbit, and when it came around for me to answer I said I’m a dirty hippy. The person asking then spent ten minutes going off on me about how #problematic hippy culture is, ignoring multiple bids from me to say yeah there are things wrong with it I know full well but they did not relent, eventually remarking that punks look mean but are actually nice and hippies look nice but are actually mean and telling me my gender is pretty much folk punk anyway?? My love stopped the convo by asking the others in the group who didn’t get a chance to answer to do so but the vibe was not great after. This is such a strange and petty encounter but something about it still rubbed me the wrong way in such a way that continues to linger in my mind. What the fuck?

[darlinimamess]

this is gonna sound so strange but i wish manhood was beautiful in the way that womanhood is

[ketavinsky]

i just want to be able to forgive her

[puppysdog]

i dont belong anywhere except dead

[trillscienceofficer]

can't make a shareable playlist for B'Elanna/Seven because I'd be hard pressed to not include "With You" by Linkin Park (which is both thematically appropriate AND was released when Voyager was airing!) and then you all are going to hate me

[deadrlngers]

i think the Thing that makes vhanya's tragedy so..tragic to me is her youth. but not in a 'omg dying young, she had so much to live :(' which is. well rip to her. but more like every single mistake she does is in a way..normal. like mistakes you do when you're a teen and are sooo dumb but make you learn and they shouldn't weight too much or more like. they shouldn't have you pay a too expensive price. while vhanya's mistakes aren't looked at with kindness, there's no Understanding. she walks around with her rage and tears like she's screaming "i'm still learning!! don't i deserve some kindness?" and instead of a "it's okay that you fucked up, we can fix this" it's mistakes that shape forever her future without any way to rewind and idk it gets me </3

[urlocalmagicalcat]

nothing will ever describe my life and how I view it as much as Will Stetson’s cover of Unknown Mother Goose

[a-lonely-tatertot]

laying on the floor

[f1owermoon]

once again feeling like the most unlovable creature on planet earth NICEEEE

[kenobion]

I am not having too great of a time lately 🙃

[heavenlydevil-95]

...