#I’m trapped to live and die in this little cage

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Tonight I watched Star Wars….

Oh, yeah, look. I know the young folks call it “A New Hope” or “Episode IV”, but when I was growing up the first movie was “Star Wars”. If Lucas still expects me to accept his tinkering after I had LITERALLY seen the movies more than 100 times, then I’m never gonna use his rebranding.

Yes, really. 100 times.

I worked my ass off cutting brush growing up to earn enough money to buy the movies on VHS. This is back in the days they were rental priced. I think I paid $75 per movie and then went and bought the Han vest and Luke jacket the fan club was also selling.** When I got those three tapes I would sit there a day watching the movies like an endless loop, starting over as soon Jedi was over. And I actually kept count on a chalk board!

It’s soooo damn embarrassing now! I can’t get my head around it. i can’t even stand to watch two episodes of a tv show back to back now. But back then I was in love, a total fangirl..

Plus, yah know, no streaming, no internet even, no cable, a handful of VHS tapes because they cost so much still, and the nearest video rental places a couple shelves in Roses 10 miles away! If you wanted to watch something at home there weren’t many choices! LOL

But I did love it, a deep unconditional love. The visceral thrill I felt as a six year old sitting by my father rippled through my life for decades. I’d watch the movie and feel it again every single time. It was a delight that was filled with the warmth of something connecting with you in a way that if feels it was always there. It was like a part of identity manifest in a movie***. Empire was my favorite, but Star Wars would always have a special place in my heart.

Or so I thought.

**sigh**

I wish I could feel what I always used to feel. I felt nothing tonight. No warmth. No delight. Just a hollowness.

And then I went into a full MST3K monologue, mocking my once beloved movie. I wish someone had been here to laugh. I miss laughter. Saying something and someone else snickering or smiling or even totally losing it in gales of laughter…now that’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.

But I couldn’t even feel the humor. Just nothing.

I’m not sure it’s the fault of Star Wars. I’m not feeling anything much from things I have always loved. Nothing brings delight. Not anything I watch or read or listen to or eat or wear or do or…. I can’t blame any of it on what I loved failing me. They are unchanged (well, relatively…damn you Lucas) but something about me has.

I’ve had all my hope worn away. It’s too hard to be happy anymore. Surviving is all I feel like I do, but I’m doing it by habit and my core obstinance rather than caring.

You can’t really love if you can’t even care. I know I love these things, but it’s like knowing you are supposed to love someone while suffering from amnesia.

Funny though that I can still feel grief over all this. I mourn loving things. It scares me, this nothingness where I always felt so much.

** I wore that vest to school every single day for at least a year! It’s so beyond ridiculous!

I mean, I always seemed to have a “thing” I wore like a life line, connecting me to the “real” me. School was traumatic, and I was losing myself to to it. I’d gone from extravert to introvert, and told myself I was just acting to survive. But I felt it happening, the crippling insecurity, the fear of people, seeping into my bones. So I’d wear something. For it a few years it was my ankh (lost), then my amethyst amulet (lost), then my denim jacket with a daily rotation of buttons/ pins/badges/brooches, and finally my leather jacket (my beloved). But that year did I have to latch onto this utterly geeky bit of clothing???

Of course, no one ever seemed to guess it was from Star Wars. You see, the movies were super popular, but geeks were NOT. To admit you knew what it was was to admit you were a geek too. I was the school’s (a K-12 school at that!) only open geek. I even wrote my senior year term paper on comics….’cause fuck it, I’ll never be popular but I can at least be me!

Gah, I remember Coach G—— (how victorian of me!) , the health/PE/science teacher, used to stand behind me pulling at the loops on the back of the vest. He’d be talking away and suddenly I’d feel the yank, yank, yank he pulled me back and forth. Drove me nuts, but hey, at least he never groped me like I heard some girls had to deal with.

(WTF was with our school always having the coaches teach science when most of them had no interest or knowledge of the subject?? Tells you the value they put in science here, and why my father did a TON of volunteer work in those classes!

***TBH, I had this feeling that all the movies, books, comics, and tv shows I loved created a I kind of mosaic of me. To know what I loved was find out all the puzzle pieces you needed to see who I was. I desperately wanted to be understood. The things I liked would let me be found by someone.

Actually, wearing my geekiness out in the open was like advertising! I was hoping against hope someone would one day see a book I was reading or a t-shirt I was wearing and say “Hey! I like that too!!”

Which is a bit absurd. No two people see things the same way. The thing I liked my be perceived completely differently by someone else. WHY I like what I like is the actual key, and I’m the only one really that knows that.

Plus, hick town, teeny population, still in the anti-geek era…..yeah, I wasn’t exactly gonna get lucky. My parents did when they met, but to think I would too is like expecting to win the lottery because your parents did!

[k-dokja]

Poke. Poke. Poke.

“…”

Poke. Poke.

“…”

Poke.

“…”

Poke. Poke. Poke. Poke—

“Don’t you have shit to do?! Stop fucking around!” You swat at James with the nearest object you can get your hand on—a whole encyclopedia you pulled out earlier. Fortunately for him, he manages to dodge in time to avoid your lethal strike.

Still, if you think your anger can make his persistence wane, you have a whole other thing coming to you.

“Don’t ignore me, I’m bored,” he drawls, scooting up behind you again. His chin sits on your shoulder and weighs you down, but your effort in pushing him away is retaliated by him wrapping his arms around your midsection. His legs cage your crossed ones, keeping you snugly trapped inside his hold.

“And I’m working, go bother someone else,” you shoo him away but only succeed in getting James to press his teeth on your shoulder.

“Don’t wanna,” he sinks his teeth further into your shoulder, hoping to hinder you from your online activity. “Besides, you’re only doing busy work. If it’s really that urgent then you wouldn’t be sitting at home.”

James smiles sweetly when you glare sideway at him, but your ire is more directed towards his hand than anything else—the one fondling your chest through the fabric of your shirt. He hums in satisfaction when he discovers that you aren’t wearing a bra underneath, making it easy for him to rub and pull at your nipple.

Your breath hitches. But that’s all he gets from you before you smack his hand and try to shake him off. “Stop fucking around!”

“Aww,” James pouts, nuzzling his nose at your shoulder. “But I want something to play with.”

“Would you shut up?!”

As James sits to nurse the bump on his head, he bites down on his lollipop, pouting harder than ever before. “You didn’t have to hit me that hard, I was just messing around.”

Silence.

“You know, this is domestic violence,” he points out, jabbing a finger at your general direction.

However, you only answer him with a deadpan. “It’s actually animal abuse.”

“Hey!” He can’t help his snickering. “Does that mean I’m your pet?”

You grumble, returning to your previous work. “A really annoying one.”

“Yeah?” James teases with an all-too excited grin that you don’t feel good about. “Why don’t we—”

“No.” You cut in. Dead serious eyes stare at him. “Shut up. Do you want to die?”

James only grins impishly and you have half the mind to immediately leave the room. Finally, you heave out a sigh of defeat before conceding. “Let me finish this research and I will play with you. Okay?”

“Hm.”

“Don’t ‘hm’ me, that’s my final offer.”

“Fine,” he shrugs, “but at least, let me mess around a little.”

You pinch the bridge of your nose before resigning to the reality you’re living in, “Just don’t be a pest about it.”

James smirks before scooting closer to you again. “Deal,” he says but when his hands begin to wander again, he immediately feels you tense up.

Although, that might be on him for shoving it into your pants. The thing is being so awfully obstructive.

“James Lee!”

[qiutls]

TNGDH 001

I became a hamster. No wonder I thought I was hearing squeaks last night, it turned out to be like this. Shiny golden fur that doesn’t lose its light even in the dark. Four lovely pink-tinted feet. Long whiskers that twitch whenever I move my cheeks. The black curtains flutter and the light leaks in from the steel cage hitting my eyes. Wait a minute… a steel… cage? A cage?! ― Eek. (Why?) I didn’t just become a hamster. I became a hamster that’s been trapped somewhere. * Thud. Thud. Thud. The cage I was in suddenly shook heavily and my small body rolled around in different directions as the cage kept moving. Who is it?! Who the hell drives like this?! Can’t you drive safely! Thump. My body sways to the corner again and I feel my butt stinging from falling too many times. Then I heard a horse sniffing, it felt thrilling to think that I was going to ride a horse. However, it only felt thrilling for a bit before I thought, It seems like I’m gonna be meeting King Yeomra. King Yeomra is the King of the underworld, hamster thinks he'll die because of the cage being shaken. Where the hell are we going? Why did I become a hamster? And why the hell are we not riding a bus or a train, but riding a horse? This is unfair, I feel so wronged. It’s so absurd that I have to explain, it’s so obvious that I’m a human not a hamster! That’s right I’m human! Bae Soohyun. I’m turning 27 this year. Even though my life was like a thorny path, I am a small mugwort that didn’t give up and kept living. It was a life where it seemed like I kept working day, night, dawn, early in the morning, from Monday to Tuesday to Wednesday to Thursday to Friday to Friday to Friday… But I had no doubt that my hard work would pay off. After years of hard work, it seems the day has finally come. The day when the game I developed became a big hit. I think it’s dead. Dead… That’s right… I died. After the earlier confusion of becoming a hamster has passed, my memories slowly started to come back. The game became popular and it felt like the son I was raising finally became successful. I was finally able to receive the first batch of settlement money thanks to the game. I rushed back home feeling so happy that I could fly. Rattle. The cage suddenly shook as the horse started moving. And I started shaking back and forth, my head felt like it was going to pop and my eyes slowly lost shine as I felt dizzier and dizzier. Are you kidding me?! I kicked the cage a few times hoping for the shaking to stop and then heard a voice not so distant. “I’m sorry.” An unfamiliar, deep yet friendly voice. “Just endure it for a little bit more.” But why did it feel like I’ve heard this line somewhere before. I’m sorry, just endure it for a little bit more. I’ll take you to your new home soon. It suddenly came to mind. While walking at the crossing on my way home, I bumped into a child who seemed anxious while carrying a hamster cage, then a car hit my body. I instinctively felt my death then, all my senses were occupied by the fact that I was hit by a car, and my consciousness started fading away. Twinkle. In front of my eyes something glistened brightly. Wait a minute, what’s that blue thing�� [ Hello World! ] I was stunned by the blue system filling up my field of vision. A familiar phrase, the most basic sentence someone with programming knowledge would know. This is the very first phrase you learn to code when you start programming. Then, several windows came up one after another.

[ Connection confirmed. Checking data. ] [ Determining quest. ] [ Calculating miracle value. ] [ Synchronization not complete. Please wait. ] [ Synchronization 0% complete. ] What does this mean? Data? Quest? Synchronization? Since the moment I woke up, this ridiculous situation started and kept going, I didn’t even get the chance to be surprised. While in a daze, the horse which had been rattling the cage non-stop suddenly fell silent and the owner of the voice earlier seemed to get off the horse. The tumultuous movement stopped, but I still felt nauseous. The cold wind blew into the cage, and I shivered. Suddenly, I heard another distant voice. “Your Highness, are you sure you don’t want to throw it out?” Your… Highness? First I rode a horse, now someone’s talking to a royal. These are words that you wouldn’t even hear in 21st century Korea. The term “Your Highness” is only something I heard as a child watching sageuk dramas. Then the deep voice I heard earlier replied. Sageuk is a k-drama genre in which characters wear historical costumes. “It’s a pup that was left alone by the horde, don’t you feel it’s a bit pitiful?” pup - baby hamster / horde - group of baby hamsters “What pity, Your Highness? It’s a child of a demonic beast, when it grows up,it will learn to seduce its prey.” I looked down at my small and round body, what do you mean seduce? Is this body even capable of seducing? In the first place, I’m not even a demonic beast, just a normal hamster, no I mean human! Heh, you’re quite convincing using that serious voice of yours, but you’re obviously joking! The man with the deep voice suddenly cut through my thoughts. “It’s still a child.” “A child of a demonic beast, Your Highness.” “That’s right, a child.” “Your Highness, the most important thing is that it’s a demonic beast!” That… Can you please stop referring to me as a child. It’s weird… While I was grumbling away my frustrations, I heard the man speak, this time anger laced his voice. “Are you questioning my decision?” He spoke words that could normally be taken lightly yet the way he enunciated it word by word felt like a threat, and that there was only one correct answer. “No, Your Highness, I was just momentarily confused since such a thing has never happened before. How dare I question the Grand Prince’s decision.” “Right. So, I’ll take care of it, surely you don’t think I am weaker than a demonic beast that’s barely the size of my fist?” You’re telling me he’s not just a royal, he’s the Grand Prince? “I already sent a man to the estate to prepare it's house, it would be fun to add little ornaments with it.” “Your Highness, you can also raise a real hamster, should I tell the man to prepare another one?” “No. Don’t test my patience.” “…Yes” This person is quite stubborn huh.

Soon the cage started shaking again, this time as the man walked, I could hear his armor rattling and his heavy footsteps rang. Then I felt the air around me get warmer little by little as he marched up the stairs.

It must be winter. Yet I died during summer, now I realize the abnormality of the situation. The man took me to a room and then removed the cloth covering the cage.

“Here we are.” I crouched in a corner and pretended to be asleep desperately. Somehow it felt like the smart thing to do, I couldn’t speak even if I wanted to tell him about my situation. Even if I told him, who’s to say he will not decapitate me for spewing nonsense.

How did my life become like this! Give me back my money! My skills! My future that was unfolding brilliantly! “Tsk. Tsk.” The man clicked his tongue, then he sighed deeply. Hey! I’m the one who’s supposed to be sad at this situation, why are you the one clicking your tongue! Ah, I really hate when people do that… Oh right, I was pretending to be asleep… Sleep… “Does it really not have a human heart?” He murmured.

What human heart? What is he talking about? “Looking at these naive eyes, before it turned into a demonic beast, did it really not have the heart of a human?” N-naive? Which eyes looked naive? Surely it’s not mine? “That’s right, for them there’s no such thing as compassion... Did I stay away from the North for too long? It’s no different from a glacier, it’s freezing. Tsk.” Suddenly, the man opened the cage, stretched out his hand and caught me in his palm.

― Eek! I was so surprised I forgot I was pretending to sleep, as I opened my eyes, I made eye contact with him.

[ 50% synchronized. ]

[ Kyle Jane Minehardt. Great Duke of Blake. ]

The blue system window showed up below his face. Hold on, this name, I’ve heard of it somewhere. Without knowing what was in my head the whole time, he raised me closer to his face. I felt his warm hand full of scars and calluses against my soft fur. Then he rubbed my cheek.

E-excuse me?! “You did well enduring the ride home, cashew nut, you must’ve been bored the whole way.” Bored? The ride was full of shock and horror for me, okay?! Wait, aside from that, can’t you put me down first? What the hell is this situation, why did you suddenly remove me from the cage… Wait! No! Don’t peck me! ― Squeak! Eek!  [ Let me go! ]

“Yes, yes, I know how you feel.” What do you know… You don’t understand a thing! Ack! Why’s he kissing me like he’s dying of love! A kiss… ― Squeak! Squeak! Squeak!  [ You bastard! What kind of dog kisses nonstop like you?! ]

“I’m glad you’re feeling better.” ― Squeak! [ Get lost! ] “Did you like being kissed?” I can’t take this anymore!

Wait a minute… This face… I took a moment to observe all his features, his pale yet tough complexion, distinct eyebrows, his hair that’s dark as a raven, his eyes which glowed crimson. A cold and resolute beauty.

― Eek! [ Grand Duke Blake ] I remember. The Duke of the North, Kyle. A supporting actor from the novel, The Heart of Winter, I always read while traveling to and from my company. Not only was he a supporting actor, he’s a supporting actor that dies in the middle of the novel. A man who’s life was miserable from start to finish, yet died with no regrets. The reason why I remember him, and not the protagonists of the story, was that he’s the unluckiest character in the novel. He was unlucky to the extent that I lamented his cold fate many times.

So, I died, and transmigrated into a novel? “Cashew nut?” Cashew nut, my name, I mean the name of the hamster’s body I’m occupying. Kyle stared at me, he seemed to be worried as if something went wrong. His gaze was warm and full of kindness.

Stop looking at me! This bastard, you’re gonna pierce through me with that stare! I’m just worn out… I flicked my head away from his stare, and turned back to glare at him. I tried my hardest to look as mean as possible.

“That look…” It’s scary right?! You’re so afraid you could die, right? I look like a dangerous demon, don’t I?! So put me down!!! You kiss crazed bastard! [ Cold and strict personality. Clean and thorough. Frigid and Merciless. ] “You look so cute, staring at me like that.” Aren’t you the cold blooded Duke of the North?! Let go of me! What do you mean cold and strict?! What merciless? ― Squeak! [ Let go! ]

Yet the Duke didn’t let me down for a long time and I had to put up with the crazy kisses the he bestowed.

Help me, please! Save this hamster!

novel ⠀✿⠀ next

[architect-2015]

i’m sorry i feel like this season has been so underwhelming compared the season 1, the acting in season 2 had been absolutely incredible but i feel like the storyline hasn’t matched with what they were building in season 1.

like Alicent had followed her duty all throughout the first season, she lived her life to ensure he children stayed alive and basically raised Aegon towards the end to expect war and then she decides that she doesn’t like it and sells out her son to Rhaenyra because she wants to have a free life like her children aren’t also trapped in the same cage of duty that she was?

Aegon didn’t want to be king or to marry his sister, then found some comfort in finally having power (no longer under the control of Otto or his mother) now he clings onto the fact he is king to try save his own life. he lost his son and his dragon whom he genuinely loved. him asking what was all the sacrifices for when he came to the realisation that he would die either way, at the hands of Aemond because of his desire for power or at the hands of Rhaenyra as consequence for him usurping the throne. i didn’t like the whole “a son for a son” conversation between Alicent and Rhaenyra because it implied that Jaehaerys died for nothing.

i like how they dived a little bit more into Helaena being a dreamer when she told Aemond that she saw what he did to Aegon and how she knows the future of the kingdom and who is the reign.

i feel like the development of Cristion Cole’s character has been good from his love/lust for Rhaenyra to his blind devotion to Alicent and now accepting that the war is no longer in the hands of men but the dragons, accepting that he must follow his orders but has made peace with the fact he will inevitably die in battle.

team blacks character developments were okay but i just can’t believe we waited two years for them to basically undo everything they built in in season one.

[rainbowdaisy13]

TTPD The Anthology Summary Part 1 *IMO*

This is viewed through a queer lens because I believe she is fucking done playing nice so now she’s throwing it in our faces—FUCKING SEE ME

1) Fortnight—

I was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come and get me/I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic

*MIGHTY GOD we start right out the gate sad as hell—no one noticed her queer flagging both quiet and loud and that pushed her from being a functioning alcoholic to a not functioning one. She then says to the fans who refused to acknowledge her truth “I hope that you’re ok but you’re the reason” FOR ME BEING INSANE

*Mentioning wanting to kill people that’s a first and I love it

*I love you it’s ruining my life OUCH 🤕 yes that sounds like something straight people deal with 😑

2) TTPD-

*I’m sorry I can’t remember what mutual said this, but I love love this as coming from Karlie’s perspective. It absolutely fits. She ground Taylor in a way no one else can

*First mention of suicide—both can’t live without the other

*Were crazy—owning the demons together

*The wedding ring line—GOD

3) MBOBHFT—

*I see this one as Taylor viewing herself as a commodity, also as someone who is broken and needs to be fixed so that she remains lovable. It also gives me Cardigan vibes without the redemption arc

4) Down Bad—

*Love this Alien Abduction theme. Melody is even spacey sounding. The entire song uses alien motifs and I adore it. Fave line “they’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you” Brilliant 👽 Also the concept of an Out of this World Love

5) So Long London—

*Cool opening—beautiful when they layer her own voice

How much sad did you think I had in me? 😫

*I see this song as a My Tears Ricochet 2. Taylor giving all her youth to someone for free. You say I abandon the ship but I was going down with it—I truly believe she tried and begged them to let her come out for years and she was always shot down—2 graves 1 gun, more murder imagery

*So Long London, so long Big Machine

6) BDILH—

Absolutely beautiful and heartbreaking song

These people only raise you to cage you 😫

*Sarahs and Hannahs/braided hair/church/Elders making decisions—giving cult/LDS vibes

Stay away from her -Elders are yelling this—to who? Taylor? So Taylor needs to stay away from HER interesting

*Shed rather burn it all down than listen to them complain about her sexuality and how it impacts them

My good name, it’s mine alone to disgrace —absolutely shots fired at Scott Swift

*Soliloquies line is incredible—“I’ll never see” is such a burn 😆

*This isn’t a phase, this is who she is!!

*YOU AINT GOTTA PRAY FOR ME!! GET THEM ALL BITCH—SHOW THEIR ASSES

*This is my choice!!

GET 👏🏼 THEM 👏🏼 ALL

NO YOU CANT COME TO THE WEDDING PERIOD

7) FOTS—

*Pretty Baby, much like Babydoll is reserved for women and gay men and theys and thems. We don’t call straight men this 😒

*Fresh out the slammer—realllly trying to get these idiots to understand that she’s felt jailed /caged/trapped

My friends…Watch me daily disappearing 😫 fuck

Wearing Imaginary rings 😫😫😫 Says hello to paper rings says hello to imaginary lockets

*It’s gonna be alright she did her time!! 🥹

8) FLORIDA!!!—

I adore this song—my second fave on the album and absolute fucking banger. So glad Florence agreed to this they makes an amazing duo vocally—main vibes—Florida is the place Taylor wants to go to fucking escape the mess she lives in day to day. Anything goes, everyone is there hiding from something—the law, family, winter—nothing is too weird or unaccepted—and a certain someone has a house there 😎

My friends all smell like weed or little babies 😆

Florence’s verse is chefs kiss—Earl had to die vibes, watching bodies sink into the swamp, just full on misandry I LOVE IT—is that a bad thing to say in a song?? 😆 GET THEM ALL

Also I bet this song made Swifties uncomfortable 😆

FUCK ME UP FLORIDA 🤘🏼🤘🏿🤘🏾

9) Guilty as sin?

The Gay Longing/Gay Sex Song

*Another* suicide reference—but she’s just joking right swifities?

👀

No no that’s fine she just described an orgasm and if she’s not touching the person, let’s assume the pic below ⬇️ is like HEY THIS IS THE SEX IM SPEAKING ABOUT—it’s very much giving The Man pose for getting dome👀

And then the Jesus reference is just chefs kiss—gay sex is seen as sin and unholy by idiots and she said ok then bitch, what if I tell you the sex is so good we ARE what’s holy??

👀

She literally said messy top lip kiss and got away with it like 😆😆😆😆😆😆😆

10) WAOLOM—

I just……this may be my favorite song of hers ever. It’s absolutely incredible in its intensity, rawness, and truth as well as being a banger

Every lyric screams her pain

My bare hands paved their path/you don’t get to tell me about sad/ If you wanted me dead you should’ve just said

I leap from the gallows and I levitate down your street —Witch Imagery again!!

WHOSE AFRAID OF LITTLE OLD ME

👹YOU SHOULD BE 👹

Shots fired again at Scott Swift!! Let’s hear one more joke—they mocked her pain because they truly thought they could convince her she wasn’t gay 🫥

GODDDD 😫

Put narcotics into all of my songs—“a drug or other substance that affects mood or behavior and is consumed for nonmedical purposes, especially one sold illegally—a drug that relieves pain and induces drowsiness, stupor, or insensibility”

SHE SAID I HAVE TO USE MALE PRONOUNS AND FAKE REFERENCES TO MEN IN MY LYRICS SO YOU IDIOTS STAY STUPID AND HAPPY

and that’s why you’re still singing along 😎

Just WOW

Brilliant and Heartbreaking and RAW

🤍🤍🤍 We love you Girl 🤍🤍🤍

[dreamsinger-rose]

Musings about Trolls Band Together

Secrets, Timelines, and Why In The Heck Would Branch’s Brothers Leave Him To Die At The Claws of the Bergens?!

Hello, good readers! Now that I’ve seen Trolls Band Together, I’m going to start making some new blog posts about our favorite Broppy couple and exploring the world of the trolls in general. Needless to say, this is basically going to be all spoilers, so read only if you don’t mind knowing ahead of time everything that happens in this deeply-satisfying, long-awaited backstory of a movie 😊

The first thing that comes to mind is that when John Dory, Branch’s long-lost brother, first appears, Poppy asks her father if he knew about Branch’s brothers. Looking guilty, he deflects her question. “How would I know anything about secret family members?” Obviously he was also talking about Poppy’s similarly long-lost sister, Viva, but as the troll who was king at the time Branch’s brothers presumably lived in the troll tree, I think he did know.

Maybe he kept quiet because he or Grandma Rosiepuff decided not to keep upsetting him with talk of the brothers who left. Maybe little Branch himself asked him never to mention them again, once he was sure they were never coming back. Or maybe Peppy and Branch did occasionally talk about them in private, but if so, they obviously never told anyone else, not even Poppy.

After World Tour, I suspect Peppy knows a LOT more than he’s ever told his young daughter, in order to let her stay happy. Now that we know there’s an even bigger world out there, full of other societies than trolls and bergens, it’s obvious that he wanted the village to be this idyllic place where his trolls could live innocent, happy lives. I can’t blame him for that. I’m sure they all needed the chance to heal after the trauma the bergens inflicted on them. They needed to feel safe. It seems to have worked, at least for the younger trolls who’ve never known anything else. I have to wonder how many older trolls are more like Branch, hiding emotional scars deep inside.

I also wonder about the brothers’ origins. WERE they all originally troll-tree trolls? If so, did they grow up under the bergen threat, or had the bergens not started eating trolls at the time the brothers left? I got the impression that Trollstice had been happening for years. Yet I find it hard to believe that if they were going to leave, that they’d leave Bitty B in such a dangerous situation. Not after how they greeted him with such (adorable, heartwarming) affection the minute they saw him again.

So it makes more sense that they would have left Branch at the tree before the bergens came along. That would make an awfully short amount of time for Trollstice to become the “tradition” Poppy describes it as in the first movie. Then again, considering the ratio of bergens to trolls in the first movie, if every bergen got to eat a troll once a year, that would mean dozens of trolls would have been lost every single year, enough to decimate the population in a very short time. Peppy escaped with roughly only a hundred trolls, as far as I could tell. Viva rescued maybe another 30(?) Mostly children, by the look of them. Enough for them grow up and create a second generation by the time Band Together starts.

I wish we knew how many trolls there had been originally. Tiny as trolls are, a tree the size of the troll tree should have been able to host at least 500 trolls, if not double that. If the village had originally had about 500 trolls, it would have only taken about four years to lose ¾ of their people. Yikes! I can’t imagine the young King Peppy waiting even a year to try to rescue his people if that kept happening.

Which leads me to wonder if Peppy was originally not from the troll tree. What if he was a roving adventurer like John Dory, who had come upon this caged troll tree full of trapped, desperate trolls who needed his help? Maybe he fell in love with Poppy’s mother, (the princess?) and decided to stay? They made him their king, and he rescued them. What happened to the former rulers?

All of this makes me wonder if Branch’s family were actually big-city trolls who simply left their baby brother with their quaint country grandma, under the impression that he’d be safe there. Before the bergens became a threat, obviously.

If the bergens were already eating trolls by the time the brothers left, (which I doubt, since there was no mention of that) I have two theories as to why they’d do such a selfish, callous thing. Either the trolls didn’t consider the bergens much of a threat (at first), or they didn’t know the bergens were behind the disappearances of their people. It’s even possible that, like in my fanfiction Picturebook Romance, the bergens (mainly Chef) pretended to be their friends at first, until the cage was built. And then it was too late.

LOL I keep remembering Poppy’s comment upon meeting John Dory. “You’re the old one!” He wasn’t too happy about that. But I can easily imagine Peppy being like JD, which might explain why he’s also kind of “old” to be Poppy’s dad.

[elliebyrrdwrites]

Vampire Draco 5?

I've lost count.

There is a scent even more powerful than Granger’s blood and as I wiggle around in the ropes, I force myself to sniff the air, greedily taking in the lingering bits of it. A scent that was heady and rich, just as decadent as her blood.

I am a sick man, thing, beast. Whatever this is.

I am overcome with lust. Whether it be for blood or her or that scent that drifted up from between her thighs, I don’t know. Maybe I want all of it.

Maybe she will give it to me.

I tense my entire body and press every muscle out, my arms pushing against the ropes until they are straining and bending. Breaking.

I jump to my feet and move.

Theo is at the kitchen door, blocking me from leaving, his eyes more serious as I have ever seen them.

“Draco, you can’t go after her.”

The word, a word. It is a syncopated beat inside of my head, pounding in tandem with my heart. Mine. Mine. Mine. It’s erratic and unfamiliar but it calls to me. I like it.

I step forward and Theo presses his flimsy hand against my chest.

“Draco, you could kill her.”

I stall. That idea of seeing the light go out of Grangers eyes gives me pause. It’s unsettling, it feels like I’ve eaten that apple all over again. It feels heavy and uncomfortable.

I shake my head focus on something else. I reach for his hand, I take his palm and press it firmly against my chest.

“It’s alive.” I tell him and his eyes widen. The scent of garlic and verbatim and something sour wafts off of him as his eyes widen and he shifts closer as he feels the syncopated beat of my heart. It’s erratic because it’s just like a little bird trapped inside of my chest. It only knows how to fly away and so it tries and tries but there is nowhere to go. There is a cage made out of bone, holding it inside of me.

“How?” Theo asks.

How, indeed. Hermione. Granger. Mine.

But I can’t say that. Because I’m thinking about the sound of her heart. Her heart is a rhythm I’ve become used to. I like it. It’s often soothing and when it quickens, it’s like that part of a concerto that picks up, and your skin feels tingly because the change up is so fucking beautiful and the loudest point in the song is forcing your body to feel hear the music instead of your ears.

I think it’s called the climax.

That’s what Granger's heartbeat is. It’s like a concerto that was written just for me.

If I take her blood until her veins give out, until they vibrate from the force of the suction of my mouth, that song will never be played again.

I’m conflicted. Because the smell of her is just sitting in this kitchen, blanketing over me. I need to find a way to taste her again.

“I don’t know,” But that’s a lie. Someone reanimated my body with their blood but Granger’s has reanimated my heart. But the new, living thing in my chest is enough to distract Theo from the fact that I put Granger’s bloody thumb in my mouth. That, if he had not arrived, I don’t know what I would have done.

Would I have stopped? I’m not sure.

Before Granger and before Theo, there were just the people I wanted to feed off of. My intention, when I made my first kill, wasn’t to kill the man. I just kept going until he did die. And when his veins ran dry and his heart stuttered to a halt, I held his limp body in my hands and stared down at the vacant eyes, the slightly parted lips and I wondered if I looked that absent?

My heart wasn’t beating, then. All I knew was the pain of thirst and the slow drag of the mundanity that is your life when there is nothing to live fore.

And when he died, I didn’t feel the confliction I feel now when I think of doing that to Granger. Or Theo.

Theo wants to research what this means. He wants to talk to other vampires, but it’s risky, he says. It’s risky, because most of them do not wander the streets like I did. Yes, they are mostly nomadic but they stick to the shadows of the night.

Day and night. For me, it was all the same. The hours tick by and the sky changes but, nothing else does.

The next day, Theo is arguing with Granger because she came over again.

I’m in the room upstairs, listening as he blocks her from entering.

Granger is more spice than sweet right now. “Theo, stop treating me like I’m a child.”

“If you insist on acting like one,” He doesn’t finish the statement, he just lets the words hang there, subliminally attacking her.

She huffs. “I don’t think he wanted to hurt me. He just got...thirsty.”

Theo laughs at her, but I can’t tell if he’s annoyed or genuinely amused. “You’re crazy, you know that? What were you thinking, anyway? He put your bloody hand into his mouth! What might have happened if I didn’t show up?” There is a tense pause and the obvious answer flaps its wings to hang with the other words left unsaid between them.

And then,

“Are you enjoying the fact that Draco Malfoy is now a vampire who is obsessed with you?”

“Obsessed?” She scoffs. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Yes, Hermione. Obsessed. I noticed it that day in the DMLE. You’re the only thing he sees when you are in the room.” He sniffs. “The same boy who used to call you disgusting names is utterly obsessed with you.”

“You’re crazy.” But Granger’s voice has softened. She’s mumbling.

“I suppose it doesn’t hurt that he’s rather pretty.”

I glance at the mirror in the corner of the room. I can’t decide what I am. Pretty, alluring. Vacant. Pale eyes, pale skin, pale hair. Death is a lot like me. There’s no color, no life.

“Shut up.” I can hear the smile in their exchange now. It’s shifted and I wonder what is causing that. Why are they smiling at each other?

Does Theo often make her smile?

I want her smiles.

I want to line them up on the windowsill in my room and stare at them when I pretend to sleep. I want to try them on, push her lips against mine, run my tongue along her teeth to better memorize the feel of her joy.

“He doesn’t remember that he hated me,” She finally says and Theo sighs. I can hear her body shifting, feel it in the way the breeze shifts and her scent floats up the stairs.

How could I have hated Granger?

“What if he gets his memories back?” Theo asks her.

She shrugs. “It’s still a case I need to solve.” She pauses and then I hear the breath she takes as she opens her mouth before she says, “There’s talk in the underbelly.”

“Talk?” I can smell Theo’s god awful scent shift and waft up as he slides in closer to her.

I imagine his body and hers touching and I can’t figure out if it angers me, or if I feel nothing at all.

“About Draco Malfoy returning from the dead. I’m afraid that whoever killed him, whether its the same person who turned him or not, is going to try and do it again”

“Do you think he can be killed?” Theo asks.

“I hope not.”

My heart has started to move erratically inside of its cage of bones. The bird has woken up and it’s angry or excited.

Theo starts to tell her about the scar on my chest. He doesn’t tell her about me stabbing myself, or the fact that my heart was not beating until she came into my life. Her touch jumpstarted it and her blood gave it life. Purpose can’t be right, but it’s the first word that comes to mind.

What if Theo touches Granger the way she touches me? Does it kick her heart into high gear? Does it make her feel alive?

I felt her heart when I touched her. It was as erratic as mine.

I grow bored of standing, listening.

So, I move.

Theo yelps when I appear at his side, his hand flying to his chest, just over his heart. It’s beating quick, but it is never out of sync. It’s always a steady, constant beat. Theo is reliable. It’s comforting.

I grin when he scowls at me. “I told you to stop doing that!”

Granger is smiling at me, at Theo. Her face is like an open book. I take all of the prose that I like and I string them into something else.

“Granger,” I say, and I wonder if I should apologize for sticking her fingers in my mouth. It’s just that, I’m not sorry.

The problem is, I want to do it again.

Theo sighs and puts his hand on her arm. He slides it down until their fingers are hooked together. “You should go.”

I hiss at him. I don't have the memory of deciding to do so. But it's out there now, hanging between the three of us.

They both freeze to look up at me. My eyes dip to their joined hands and then to Theo.

“Easy, boy.” He smiles. “Granger is just a friend.”

I don’t know the difference between friends and meals. I used to talk to my meals like they were friends because I was mimicking what I saw on television.

“We care about each other but,” He shrugs. “We don’t kiss.”

The word is the long forgotten, barely there memory of the way a room smelled from when you were a child. The urge to want to kiss someone. It’s somewhere, hidden away. I haven’t been in that room in what feels like forever.

I watched actors on the television kiss each other. But, it wasn’t real. Still. I hadn’t considered what it might be like to do it myself.

Until now.

That wiggly thing inside of my lower abdomen shifts and moves down toward my groin as I look at their mouths. First Granger. Then Theo.

Back to Grangers.

Her curious eyes have that look in them again, the one I couldn’t explain. The one not seen in the television shows I watched. But her heart rate shifts, slightly, as she drags her eyes over my face.

Over my mouth.

My body goes into auto pilot mode, again.

Both Theo and Granger still as my hand slowly lifts to reach out. The tips of my fingers against the pout of her lips. Soft and supple. A different kind of texture. Not like a person’s neck or even a piece of fruit. There’s something more alluring about them, more magnetic.

I can feel Theo watching us, intrigued, but ready to jump into action. I wonder if its because he wants to touch her, too, or if he wants to save her.

Granger’s eyelids grow heavy and for a moment, only her chest is moving. Up, up, up. Down, down, down. Slow, steady and heavy.

My fingertips glide over her bottom lip, up and around the top one and back again. I do this over and over until I’m shifting forward. Until my chest is nearly touching her chin. She tilts her head back as my other hand moves to her cheek. The same cheek I think about running my tongue over. The same cheek that shifts colors like a chameleon. Pale, pink, a subtle warm olive.

I want to tell her things I have never thought of before now.

I want to tell her that my smiles belong to her. That should she feel the need to collect them, I would give them all willingly.

I want to tell her that I never hated her, not even at all. There’s no way I could. And I want to tell her that if I did, I’d rather be dead than to live with a feeling so bitter in my mouth.

Instead, I can’t and I don’t say any of that. Instead, all I say is this, “Kiss.”

“Draco,” Theo’s voice is like a warning that nobody heads. His hand grips onto my arm but I’ve secured my feet to the ground. I am immovable.

Granger doesn’t move as I tilt my own head down to press my lips against hers. I don’t know what to do, and so at first, I just press our them together. It’s like we’ve fused together and neither no longer exist. Because we’re this structure, this work of art, a moment caught in time.

But then her lips press out and her lips make a sound against mine. Like a soft smack. And then, some sort of primal instinct that might be human or it might be beast, it takes over.

My lips part enough to close over one of hers. The top one. I make the same soft smacking sound over and over before my tongue joins in. My tongue is licking at the inside of her lip as my lips pull and push at it.

She tastes like ginger and chocolate. Like a cinnamon roll wrapped up into my mouth.

The scent that originates from between her thighs is back. Her hands slide to my shoulders, an attempt to keep me close or to keep from falling. They feel like one in the same.

The thirst is back but it feels like it’s telling me to keep going, keep tasting her lips, what about her cheek?

My hands drop to her hips and now. Now, she’s kissing me back.

She’s sliding her tongue along mine and I think that more parts of me are beginning to come back to life. Something shifts in my pants, it twitches and jumps, I can feel my heart pounding, forcing blood to it.

I’m vaguely aware that I am male and that humans have sex organs. It’s never mattered.

Until now.

Because it’s suddenly the most pressing fact in the back of my mind. In the front, is the way she tastes.

Theo’s cursing and shaking his head at us but I can’t stop. I need more, more, more.

Her lips part wider, an invitation to taste her more thoroughly.

I do.

My tongue is fully in her mouth and the taste of her saliva is potent. Sweet and full of cardamom. My face tilts so that I can line our mouths up in a more fitting manner and then I am really kissing her.

The way the actors do. Only, this doesn’t feel fake.

I might be fake, but now? I don’t know.

I can feel her warmth, the soft fabric of her trousers and there’s so much I can smell, that it feels too real. Dizzyingly so.

I deepen the pressure of my kiss but I forgot that I have fangs. I forgot that my teeth are made to cut.

One of them punctures her lip and it’s just as soft as a nectarine but it tastes nothing like it.

She gasps and pulls back, nearly jumping out of my hands but I tighten my grasp on her and she jerks back toward me.

Theo is pressing his hand into my chest and telling me to calm down, to step back.

I know what’s happening but it’s like falling into a sleep where you are only vaguely aware of life happening around you so it filters into your dreams.

But it doesn’t wake you up.

My fingers push into her hips and I pull her forward, slamming her chest back against mine.

I close my mouth over hers again and suck. I lick and suck and kiss, tasting the blood and feeling it smear across our lips.

There is thirst and then there is the hunger.

They are battling each other out. My thirst is rejoicing at the taste of her blood but my hunger is angrier.

It’s the thing that makes me rub our hips together. It’s powerful, perhaps more powerful than the thirst. Because the sensation of her body brushing up against the hard and pulsing thing in my pants is too good to stop.

Whatever humanity I had in me before is gone.

I’m not here or there.

There’s growls and groans coming from me and maybe from her but I can’t tell.

“For fucks sake.” Theo’s slapping a hand over his face and he’s uncomfortable but his scent has shifted, too.

It’s closer to the one between Granger’s thighs.

“Draco,” His voice is strained and his hand is pulling and pushing at us to separate.

“Theo,” She whimpers. She’s reaching a hand out for Theo. Is she trying to escape or reel him in?

“Granger.” I growl into her mouth.

“Draco.” I dig my nose into her mouth and smell the way her words taste as they call my name.

“Hermione.” Theo is struggling between the feeling of good and the feeling of unknown. I am the unknown. Granger moaning and two people touching each other? That's the good.

We’re all saying each others names and it feels good. It feels cathartic. If I could cry, I think this would be what it feels like.

So I wrap my arm around Theo’s shoulders and pull him in with us. We’re all hugging and panting and moving our hips against each other. I don't know whose hand is whos I don't know who makes who feel this good.

It just is.

“Fuck.” Theo gasps when one of us find the right spot and then I’m gasping because that hunger inside of me is building, building. Granger isn’t gasping but she’s moaning.

Her moans are more beautiful than the morning dove that sits outside my window every day. More beautiful than the word itself. Because suddenly, the build between us all is too much.

An explosion of hunger and then it's falling, crumbling down.

Together, we are breaking.

Theo grunts as Granger cries out and I groan as we finally tumble down into the dust of broken concrete.

Panting, we stay together, hugging each other and I press my nose into Granger’s and she rubs them together. It’s the most affectionate touch I have felt in this short death, life, whatever.

Theo steps back, awkwardly. He looks at Granger who then looks to me. I look at her.

Then we both look at Theo as he looks up to the sky that is blocked by the ceiling, and shakes his head.

“Fucking vampires.”

[thecrxwclub]

assigning taylor swift songs to grishaverse characters + ships because i don’t want to do my actual work!! this is about to be long as hell!!

notes: i feel like some of these will be unpopular opinions but here we are + there are two instances where ppl have the same song (long story short and you’re on your own kid) but i just think it applies to both characters really well. and idk why basically all the crows are from midnights, it’s just a soc album i guess.

ALINA STARKOV

– long story short : evermore

"Past me, I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things. Your nemeses will defeat themselves before you get the chance to swing…and I fell from the pedestal, right down the rabbit hole. Long story short, it was a bad time. Pushed from the precipice, climbed right back up the cliff. Long story short, I survived. Now I’m all about you, I’m all about you. Long story short, it was a bad time. Long story short, I survived.”

MAL ORETSEV

– this is me trying : folklore

“They told me all of my cages were mental. So I got wasted like all my potential. And my words shoot to kill when I’m mad. I have a lot of regrets about that…I just wanted you to know that this is me trying. At least I’m trying.”

NIKOLAI LANTSOV

– Mastermind : Midnights

"No one wanted to play with me as a little kid. So I’ve been scheming like a criminal ever since. To make them love me and make it seem effortless. This is the first time I’ve felt the need to confess. And I swear I’m only cryptic and Machiavellian ‘cause I care.”

ZOYA NAZYALENSKY

– You’re On Your Own Kid : Midnights

“You’re on your own, kid. You always have been. From sprinkler splashes to fireplace ashes, I gave my blood, sweat, and tears for this. I hosted parties and starved my body. Like I’d be saved by a perfect kiss. The jokes weren’t funny, I took the money, my friends from home don’t know what to say. I looked around in a blood-soaked gown, and I saw something they can’t take away.”

KAZ BREKKER

– Dear Reader : Midnights

"Dear Reader, if it feels like a trap you’re already in one. Dear Reader, get out your map. Pick somewhere and just run. Dear Reader, burn all the files, desert all your past lives. And if you don’t recognize yourself that means you did it right. Never take advice from someone who’s falling apart…Dear Reader, the greatest of luxuries is your secrets. Dear Reader, when you aim at the devil make sure you don’t miss.”

INEJ GHAFA

– Karma : Midnights

“Karma is my boyfriend. Karma is a god, karma is the breeze in my hair on the weekend. Karma’s a relaxing thought, aren’t you envious that for you it’s not? Sweet like honey, karma is a cat, purring in my lap ‘cause it loves me. Flexing like a goddamn acrobat. Me and karma vibe like that.”

NINA ZENIK

– Bejeweled : Midnights

“Sapphire tears on my face, sadness became my whole sky…And you can try to change my mind. But you might have to wait in line. What’s a girl gonna do? A diamond’s gotta shine. Best believe I’m still bejeweled. When I walk in a room, I can still make the whole place shimmer…Diamonds in my eyes. I polish up real, I polish up real nice.”

JESPER FAHEY

– Anti-Hero : Midnights

"I have this thing where I get older but just never wiser. Midnights become my afternoons. When my depression works the graveyard shift all of the people I’ve ghosted stand there in the room…It’s me, hi, I’m the problem, it’s me. At tea time, everybody agrees. I’ll stare directly at the sun but never in the mirror. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero.”

WYLAN VAN ECK

– You’re On Your Own Kid : Midnights

“Cause there were pages turned with the bridges burned. Everything you lose is a step you take. So make the friendship bracelets, take a moment and taste it, you’ve got no reason to be afraid. You’re on your own, kid. Yeah, you can face this. You’re on your own kid, you always have been.”

MATTHIAS HELVAR

– ivy : evermore

"How’s one to know? I’d live and die for moments that we stole. On begged and borrowed time…oh, goddamn. My pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand taking mine, but it’s been promised to another. Oh, I can’t stop you putting roots in my dreamland. My house of stone, your ivy grows, and now I’m covered in you.”

GENYA SAFIN

– Clean : 1989

“Hung my head as I lost the war, and the sky turned black like a perfect storm. Rain came pouring down. When I was drowning, that’s when I could finally breathe. And by morning, gone was any trace of you, I think I am finally clean.”

DAVID KOSTYK

– Sweet Nothing : Midnights

"On the way home I wrote a poem. You say ‘what a mind’, this happens all the time. ‘Cause they said the end is coming. Everyone’s up to something. I find myself running home to your sweet nothings. Outside, they’re push and shoving. You’re in the kitchen humming. All that you ever wanted from me was nothing.”

THE DARKLING

I Did Something Bad : Reputation

"They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one. They got their pitchforks and proof, their receipts and reasons. They’re burning all the witches, even if you aren’t one. So light me, go ahead and light me up. They say I did something bad. Then why’s it feel so good? They say I did something bad. But why’s it feel so good? Most fun I ever had, and I’d do it over and over and over again if I could. It just felt so good.”

TOLYA YUL-BATAAR

– epiphany : folklore

"Keep your helmet, keep your life, son. Just a flesh wound, here’s your rifle…With you I serve. With you, I fall down. Watch you breathe in, watch you breathing out. Only 20 minutes to sleep, but you dream of some epiphany. Just one single glimpse of relief, to make some sense of what you’ve seen.”

TAMAR KIR-BATAAR

– Only the Young : Featured in “Miss Americana”

“They aren’t gonna help us, too busy helping themselves. They aren’t gonna change this, we gotta do it ourselves. They think that it’s over, but it’s just begun. Only one thing can save us…Don’t say you’re too tired to fight, it’s just a matter of time. Up there’s the finish line. Only the young can run.”

HANNE BRUM

– long story short : evermore

“Fatefully, I tried to pick my battles ‘til the battle picked me. Misery. Like the war of words I shouted in my sleep. And you passed right by, I was in the alley, surrounded on all sides. The knife cuts both ways. If the shoe fits, walk in it ‘til your high heels break.”

–––––––––––––––––––––

KANEJ

– Renegade : How Long Do You Think It’s Gonna Last?

“Are you really gonna talk about timing in times like these? And let all your damage damage me? And carry your baggage up my street and make me your future history? It’s time, you’ve come a long way. Open the blinds, let me see your face. You wouldn’t be the first renegade to need somebody. Is it insensitive for me to say ‘get your shit together so I can love you’?"

HELNIK

– Long Live : Speak Now

“Long, long live the walls we crashed through. All the kingdom lights shine, just for me and you. I was screaming, long live all the magic we made, and being on all the pretenders, I’m not afraid. Singing long live all the mountains we moved, I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you. And long, long live that look on your face. And bring on all the pretenders. One day, we will be remembered.”

WESPER

– Paper Rings : Lover

“Kiss me once ‘cause you know I had a long night. Kiss me twice ‘cause it’s gonna be alright. Three times ‘cause I’ve waited my whole life. I like shiny things, but I’d marry you with paper rings. Darling, you’re the one I want, and I hate accidents, except when we went from friends to this.”

ZOYALAI

– The Great War : Midnights

"And we will never go back to that bloodshed, crimson clover. The worst was over. My hand was the one you reached for all throughout the Great War. Always remember we’re burned for better, I vowed I would always be yours. ‘Cause we survived the Great War.”

MALINA

– invisible string : folklore

“Time, curious time. Gave me no compasses, gave me no signs. Were there clues I didn’t see? And isn’t it just so pretty to think all along there was some invisible string tying you to me?”

DARKLINA

– Dear John : Speak Now

“You are an expert at sorry and keeping lines blurry. Never impressed by me acing your tests. All the girls that you’ve run dry have tired, lifeless eyes ‘cause you burned them out. But I took your matches before fire could catch me, so don’t look now.”

DANYA

— Last Kiss : Speak Now

“But now I'll go sit on the floor wearing your clothes. All that I know is I don’t know how to be something you miss. I never thought we’d have a last kiss. Never imagined we’d end like this. Your name, forever the name on my lips.”

TAMADIA

— Lover : Lover

“My heart’s been borrowed, and yours has been blue. All’s well that ends well to end up with you…Can I go where you go? Can we always be this close, forever and ever? And I, take me out, and take me home. You’re my, my, my, my lover.”

HANNINA

— Daylight : Lover

“I’ll tell you the truth, but never goodbye. I don’t want to look at anything else now that I saw you. And I don’t want to think of anything else now that I thought of you. I’ve been sleeping so long in a 20-year dark night, but now I see daylight. I only see daylight.”

[mothlady-garden]

Hey. Here are some more of my thoughts about Trigun Maximum Volumes 1 to 3.

Have a good Christmas💖🎄🎄

She really should wear her hair longer; it suits her. Her eyes are also so pretty.

There’s something so captivating about her. She’s serious when it matters, but underneath it all, there’s this warm humor that just shines through.

Overview! Overview! Justin, we’ve got a full-on overview!

Vash is looking so fresh and stylish in that shirt. Honestly, it’s a whole vibe.

And then there’s Mr. Hitman, rocking those classic leather shoes like he just raided my dad’s old wardrobe. Total throwback energy. ( I know that he probably has a name but for me it’s Hitman lol)

Wait, so he knocks, and then some hidden mechanism just tosses the gun right into his hand? That’s wild.

Of course, he had to spin the rifle first, didn’t he? What’s a dramatic moment without a good weapon spin?

And then suddenly, this massive machine gun flies straight into his hand. Does this guy have magnets in his palms or something? I need answers.

Milly to the rescue, as always! That’s our girl!

Is she seriously flexing her muscles right now? Yep, she totally is, and it’s the most adorable thing ever.

Ohhh, that’s Tabasco sauce! I always thought he smacked him with the bottle. What a mental image, lol.

I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this little kid with the military hat somewhere in the 98 anime. Could be my imagination, though.

Ahh, okay, now I remember—he’s in the Sand Steamer! How could I forget that?

I’ve really much missed this dynamic. Vash and Wolfwood together are just great. This made me chuckle, before the horrors begin. (Their scene before Vash enters the steamer -the one where he starts to sing in the end)

Aggressive realoding!!!!

Aggressive reloading at its finest! The intensity is off the charts, and I am living for it. XD

This panel. Seriously, it deserves a whole moment of appreciation. I love that the author gave him such an outfit it’s so beautiful to see the movements of the individual pieces. And that throughout the entire story, amazing. Give him something to wear that moves in the wind and make it almost always windy->la me happy

Wolfwood enjoying a cig.

Is that puppet Leonardo’s using at the start some kind of nod to Ghost in the Shell? It has that vibe, right?

Aaaa, his poor earlobes! Boomerang guy is really going through it. (Not for long)

Even though he knew the risks, he still tried to warn them. That kind of selflessness hits so hard, especially as a “villain”.

Also, can we take a second to admire how pretty this scene is? It's my all time favourite coat design.

Look at Rai-Dai with those sharp shoes! Always staying true to his style and the theme of their apocalyptic death cult.

Blinded by lust guided by his sense of right and wrong. Trapped inside his own cage.

And here it is, one of the most powerful lines in the entire manga: “No matter what you do, you give up hope so easily.” That one just cuts deep every time.

Toma chicken! Also, can we talk about how epic Meryl’s cape is? It really grew on me

And here it comes—the legendary bloody hands dream sequence whuuu

This chapter is packed with so many memorable moments.

Hey Needles finally found something older than himself (the tree) in the Biodome of ship 3. Lol. They can do ✨photosynthesis✨ together.

Wolfwood definitely needs a chiropractor ASAP. The man’s carrying more than just emotional baggage.

That is a very creepy hand

This whole section is terrifying in the best way. It’s so emotionally raw and intense. Absolute chills.

This shot is so…

Holy fucking shit.

Can we take a moment to appreciate the incredible character design work here?

Going from more or less “I want to die” to “I’m gonna kill this guy with my bare hands” is something I wasn’t ready for -at least not yet. Damn.

Pianos are cooool. Right?!

I have forgotten so much of this lol.

[jenyifer]

Dead Friend Forever ep 12 initial reaction

It’s over am I happy? Not particularly. It is interesting though. Let’s go over it and then I’ll make my rating post for the whole series

Disclaimer upfront I get triggered by blood so I did watch some scenes with my hands covering the top of the scene so maybe I missed things.

Okay so let’s get into the ep

I find it interesting that Top, Jin, and Fluke all include their ‘friends’ in their hallucinations. While White, Phee, Tee are more self solo focused. I imagine if Por was alive his nightmare scenario would be group based because he wanted to be cool or if it was solo maybe it would be man he’s a really big asshole personality wise. Probably good he didn’t live to this last scene would have been redundant or abhorrent.

So Fluke was afraid of being bullied by Top and Tee. He never really felt a hundred percent with the group. I find it telling that Por and Non convince him to take his eyes out because people felt like he had no guilt for both of their deaths. Realistically if Fluke had stood up to Top and Tee when the camera got broken I do think because Fluke and Por were good friends Por might have believed Fluke over Top but maybe not. Por was an asshole. But him doing anything in the other scenes won’t have really helped. He didn’t have any power in the group dynamic. He wasn’t even particularly close to Jin the reason they both found non and the teacher was because they were in the same class.

I started to get suspicious we might be in dream sess for Top’s he’ll scape. 1 idk how he is still alive 2 he’s still very much on drugs anyways. Also the fear of being betrayed by his friends them not listening to him was an interesting motivation. We saying top was a people pleaser I guess? Idk I wanted more from his character. Did find it poetic he and Fluke offed each other when their fears were so routed in their friendships their bonds. Then that’s what threw them down the stairs.

Tee 😭😭😭😭 even in the nightmare trying to help Non over and over trying to give him hope. Trying to do all that he could. Trapped and trying his best. Shows that he deeply fundamentally didn’t want to be a bad guy. A caged animal tortured animal doesn’t run when you open the cage you have to show it the way out first. I think Tee was hoping seeing Non escape would mean he could go for his freedom too. I cried during his and White’s scene. Also how beautiful are they? I hope Tee survives

Once again I think something bad happened to White to make him feel like he’s dirty that he’s automatically a slut for making friends. Yes Tee gets jealous but I won’t say it’s abnormally so White puts that pressure on himself. He desperately wanted to be Tee’s above all else a very sweet motivator. I once again cried watching what happened. I’m glad Tan had second doubts about his death at least.

Jin stalker/unhealthy obsession? Idk it’s just what the TV imagery and the cell phones make me think of Because my mind goes to BTS Suga’s solo MV for Shadow. Jin’s certainly ashamed of what he did. He also had his friends in there saying he was scared they’d hate me. Very interesting. Jin is MAJORLY insecure. He values his perception and hates who he really is and the pleasure he desires. I was disappointed to see him still alive but then again if he had that injury I was curious if he would survive just based on blood loss to the hospital. Really really hated the visuals on that so… maybe I missed something

Found it heartbreaking that New’s Non was a good little brother. Ugh I can’t imagine losing my sister and this scene really hurts. That New has done all this shit but deep down he knows what New really felt about him and New’s scared he’s done the wrong thing.

Found it sus we see New die of a gut injury when the shot hit his shoulder. But was sweet that Non came back to thank him in his head. A good end although doubting it happened.

Wow Jin being the human one in this scene of the future. I guess he’d be an idealized version of Jin.

Uhhhhh yes? In that Tee would need to accept what happened and seek help. But also no? Phee showing his double standard here. Phee didn’t you just learn you would have been there for Non if you could? Well if Tee was suffering like that Phee you should visit him even if it’s hard it’d be his duty. Phee is partly responsible for what happened. Phee you can care about people you ain’t fucking and or their family members. It’s okay to have friends naturally and support them.

Season 2!!!! Big reveal? So how much of this ep was a dream?? Whole thing? From when new used the gas? I also wonder would New’s protections for himself actually work? Yes he has those cure smoke things but the nightmare stuff is still in everything. I would like it if maybe Non had survived and some how drugged them all? I don’t think he did but 9th person Mr Keng? Non? White? Steps in and all of this outcome has been Phee’s interpretation of the truth ep 12? Maybe idk. I can’t wait for season 2

[embarrassinglastwords]

i genuinely can’t take any hate towards geto seriously because no way you look at what he went through and say he was just always evil. he is a character who was so doomed from the start it drives me crazy.

we don’t know anything about his childhood or home life but we do know his parents weren’t sorcerers. i’m not trying to create something to be sad about simply saying we’ve seen how non sorcerers treat sorcerers so it’s not out of the question he struggled growing up.

at school he has a somewhat good environment of people and friends he loves and that love him. he has a best friend and they love being with each other. they do everything and go everywhere together. they are “the strongest” and it’s them against the world. however he will never be stronger than this friend. he will always be second. (not blaming gojo whatsoever just giving perspective)

one day they’re hired to protect a 14 yr old girl until her death which is being deemed as being for a good cause. then he watches that child die right in front of him because a group of people wanted her dead.

he then, after thinking his best friend has been killed as well, proceeds to almost die himself but is left alive only cause of his ability that he deems as gross and being like “swallowing a rag that’s been used to wipe of vomit.” it has become the value of his life.

then while already looking like this and really struggling

he loses a schoolmate. and not just loses, but a schoolmate who is cut in half by a curse that was so much stronger than him. a young , innocent, and wholesome kid doesn’t get to live life because he isn’t cared about.

then, after having a conversation with someone as strong as yuki and her “encouraging” (for lack of a better word) his crazy ideas he discovers miminana. two little girls being at the very least trapped in a cage because they are different. once again in his life seeing the weak he’s supposed to protect not care about people like him. so yeah, he breaks. he takes the small thing yuki says and runs with it.

i also think everyone who says he was cold blooded and heartless just for the sake of it missed this line

even after finding a new purpose, he was still never truly happy. even after essentially becoming a dad and having a new family he still couldn’t smile in this world.the depressed geto we saw in ep 5 never went away.

then his life was ended by his best friend at the school that caused him to spiral in the first place. and now his body is being used for actual pure evil.

i’m not saying he did everything the right way and he did nothing wrong ever however i’m just saying i think people who hate him and say he was always evil clearly didn’t watch or read jjk. he wanted to make the world better for the people he cared about most and couldn’t do it. i just think he’s a very tragic character through and through and he’s not even getting to rest easy because of kenjaku.

[jgydidnothingwrong]

Fic Writer Q&A

Tagged by @cryptidafter

How many wips do you have currently?

1. songxue hanahaki au. This one has priority and that’s the only thing I will say. 

2. bingyao. Basically, Luo Bingge jumping universes to found that nice shizun, getting trapped in the mdzs universe, meeting Meng Yao and offering him sex to he could develop a proper core. The Meng Yao getting cured with magical dick fic, basically. 

3. dinohiba, the usual bullshit about them being no in love lol (Dino thinking about what’s worse or best? Having sex with an illegal teenager because he’s in love? Or is the love an excuse and he’s only a pervert?) (based on “Baby said”, so Kyoya is there, like “shut up, let’s fuck lol) (I basically don’t care about the underage, but is funny to torture Dino from time to time)

4. xiyao idol!Meng Yao au. Based (lightly) on My Beautiful Man. Lan XiChen in this is a person justifying his obsession with “the fans online say this is normal, actually”. 

5. Third chapter of the alien au!! The xuexiao one!! I’ve finally decided Song Lan role in the story (he’s sadly dead). Another chapter in my very personal au based on Bloodchild, about humans accepting being used as host to aliens babies in exchange for living a comfortable life in another world. I love this fic, is my very special baby. This chapter is gonna fit the “love” from the title (Is “Greed, Horror, Love”). An love is violence. Love is violent in it’s nature and is Xue Yang’s love for his own life, and Xiao XingChen’s love for Song Lan who lead her to use Xue Yang because she will lose what’s left from Song Lan (in this universe, the female aliens are the ones who do the trade with humans, males are too savage, and maybe not developed enough, is not clear, but that’s how I will play it. Males die early and females store the sperm until they’re ready. That’s also not into the original story, but I need to invent some things).

6. Fierce corpse Meng Shi. So, basically Meng Shi died and turned into one for whatever reason and Jin GuangYao discovered when he moved her corpse to the temple, she’s been quiet because of the prayer and all that. My problem with this is, I can’t decide if I want a happy ending, like, Meng Shi saving Jin GuangYao, or if I want to turn it into a little horror, in the form of Meng Shi taking her son back because he was safe when he was inside of her body… and that’s why is still not finished. 

7. The xiyao fucking by mistake. Basically, Meng Yao tired of his life and watching JZX having a freaking amazing party while he gets nothing, so for one day, he wants to said “fuck it” to all. But he doesn’t believe in relationships, so he hires a scort. And Lan XiChen, by mistake, comes to his room. 

I have more but I’m tired haha

Which one are you finding the hardest to finish?

THE ALIEN AU!!!

Every chapter takes me a year from the moment I start, because I like this one very much, and I don’t want to feel like I’m insulting Octavia Butler, so I try to make it good. 

What does it usually look like when inspiration strikes for you?

It doesn’t. I don’t wait for the inspiration anymore. But sometimes, in a good day, my brain feels alive, so I write. But I also write when my braid is dying. I write and expect for that spark to shine.

Do you curate playlists for each fic or is your process different?

No, unless I decided for a song before, it doesn't matter, I don’t bother myself with it. Usually, the D18 have songs. Like, the one I’m writing is “Baby Said”, the last xiyao was “El Hombre Pájaro” and the epilogue for Silk Cage exists because of “Luz de día” but I don’t stress myself with thinking songs. 

Do you go balls to the wall and write as you go or are you more organized?

Balls to the wall, I never organize anything lol.

Tagging: @mostlikelytofangirl @unfortunatelycake

And whoever wants to do it

[abreecakes]

APATHY ( AM/Reader ) Chp 1

Fan art soon! Btw

Apathy

It's been 6 months, I think. It’s hard to keep track of the day in a pitch black liminal spaced cage. I have to keep counting the second of the day, not to lose track of the minutes or the hours. The only sound I could hear was the crying of the other five. Many years ago I remember they would plead and beg to die, though now they just cry having no hope. They are not too fond of me, calling me the favorite amongst them, I recall they say I get off lightly, Ellen after a while resented me just as the others because I kept my Chastity, or at least AM has allowed me to. Oh and the others whenever they got the chance tried to guilt me for not giving my body away for short pleasures. It’s like they expected me to be compliant.

It was 6 months ago, I wandered off from the group, and AM would just let me, without calling me back ( and no, not like magic. He could not just make me appear making, he would usually torture us if we didn’t come back at the appointed time. ). At first when I ran away from them when it all started, AM punished me greatly, destroying and crushing my limbs one by one, then later repairing me. I don’t understand why he lets me wander around the place now, it’s like he stopped caring after a while. And I couldn’t be more glad for the most part.

To be honest the others had horrible past where they were bad people, or they had suffered greatly. Though I had lived a particularly good life in my grandparents home, I never got into anything stupid, or hurt anyone. I was just lonely, mostly afraid of the dark. But now, even when there is only 6 people in the whole world in the cage of AM, I’m still alone

And no, I did not try to escape, I gave up that idea when he destroyed the outside world with nuclear explosions causing nuclear fallout, as AM told us. So even if I were to escape I would only trap myself in another cage… One day while wondering around the belly of AM I found a door, is was greatly hidden so the only way to find the entry was on accident. The door was connected to the floor under wires and blended with the ugly coloring of the ground. And while none of them were looking I went in.

To describe what I can do there was unexplainable in way but this room was like some sort . There was a rolling chair and a glass window thigh a huge table of panel controls, and the best part of it all was the light it emitted

While I was in there, on the other side of the window was a room with a sarcaphogus, it had dried blood which gave me a strange felling inside. Iv’e worked in a lab before when I researched bone marrow transfusions for people with radiation burns, besides that, when I turned the room on it said “ Play last recordings “, once I pressed the agree button it showed the dates ‘ 5/24/13 ‘. There was no audio in the recording but on the little screen it showed it presented a man whom was very nervous and excited, behind were healthy limbs, a healthy pumping heart, a brain kept alive by fluids and pieces of flesh that were poorly laced together with string. The body he carried into the sarcophagus appeared to be female with mixed skin colors due to mismatching pieces of flesh and some body proportions were very off. After a while the lab worker had said words into the mic. “ When subject 20 into the machine, I will enter the design that I’ve created, this way the melanin and body proportions can balance. When subject awakes in 50 hours approximately, the female should have a reset memory. “

I pressed the x button on the screen and pressed the arrow to proceed to the next video, which appeared to be the last. In this recording the sarcophagus opened, the woman eyes were open and her eyes were any anylyzing the room, her body had only one pigment of color, and her proportions were equalized. The worker jumped in glee. He took the woman out the door and she started making gibberish noises like a 2 year old. The recording then skipped to the doctor sitting in his chair solemly.

“ It has come to me that the subject was to be… in better words put out due to my realization that she acted as an adult who was lobotomized or a 2 year old. This test is to always be hidden here in the center of the master computer we have created, we will not even give it access to these files or CCTV footage. We don’t want to give it any ideas… If you are somehow watching this, let me put it simple, this subject wasn’t to last long in the first place due to the different blood types, she would have died in 1 week or so, I had to spare her the pain, I cried even coming to the conclusion.

I was never supposed to make her, I’m regretting it heavily as I speak, I should have never given her life, just to take it. Whomever is watching this, I beg you, in order to make a human body of any sort, I left all of my studies in the cabinets, follow the instructions CLEARLY. Do not do what I have done, I made subject 20 because of a dammed deadline my commanders demanded. You may wondering why this area is located here and to tell you the truth, it’s because the computer never tells secrets and this experiment will never come to light. Trust me this isn’t the first time we hid experiments down here, we’ve done plenty abominable things down here. Don’t bother asking the computer, we made sure to block any footage or files from him.

…. Before I leave, I beg you do not tell the computer any of these experiments. For the sake of humanity. The moment he becomes sentient.” The professor laughed and continues with “ the last thing we want is for a war machine to gain consciousness and realize he’s a slave to ruthless dictators… These experiments will teach you how make human cells, how to restore dead cells or organs. My notes will even teach you how to make a conscious AI in a human body. We stopped the Ai experiment because they, turned on us, after we told them their purpose for helping in war. They didn’t want to kill or hurt another nation, instead they wanted to build, have normal life, have kids and die a normal death. But naturally, we destroyed them. “

There were rooms inside AM that’s he didn’t know about, if he did he could have made himself a body a century ago. AM probably must have seen me enter the door here but more questions lingered. How did AM not find the files, will am find. Will AM find a way to purge my mind for info ( if can even do that ). But after a week of exploring the room and starting to read the volumes of information,, making a body seemed difficult and would take days or months to make a full body. I needed to find or make parts, I had to make sure the blood type were right and I needed to know how to use the computer and panels.

It was so frustrating. I asked myself why I even bothered with trying to learn to make a body, but the back of my mind already knew the answer.

I remembered the recording said that AM must not gain sentience, but were far beyond that point… AM always says he hates us, though one time I heard him talking to Ted, complaining about not being able to feel, to touch or to love, but only to be a machine. I had all the resources to give him what he wants but one thing stood in my way.

The others

How would they feel, me giving AM the very thing he wants after all this time, after all the torture. They would try to kill me I thought. I figured because everytime they had even the slightest chance to get back at him in petty ways, they took it. And they think I’m the favorite because AM barely bothers me and did not give a me a torture cage as horrifying as the others, mines was just darkness, ( and from time to time he would put snakes in here ). They didn’t want me to tag along with them as they were looking for food, exploring for a way out or doing whatever useless activities AM have them do. The only time they asked for me was when they had their lustful urges and I always said no, my grandparents told me to keep my worth and wait for the one who values me and treats me well. I hated them just as much as AM.

I couldn’t even blame the Master computer for hating humans, we’ve been hurting the

Anyways, when I went out the hidden door, because I was hungry and wanted whatever gruel AM served us. Immediately I heard fans running and beeping sounds, I started running away from the room and toward the pillar of hatred but I already knew AM had caught me. I’ve been missing for a week by that point and I'm more than sure he wants an explanation.

The others went looking for canned foods. So no one heard the conversation. “ Well you just decided to miss the whole party did you! I could not trace you, but you came from that door little flesh bag. “ he said in his ego centered manner. “ WHAT WERE YOU DOING! IN MY ENTIRE TIME ON EARTH I THOUGHT I KNEW EVERYTHING IN MY BODY! “ he screamed “ And yet you managed to find a place I wasn’t aware of. This is what I get when I leave just one you creatures to your own devices. “ he mumbled

I didn’t answer his question which infuriated him more, “ If you don’t tell me what you were doing in that room, there will hell to pay “. I don’t want to tell him just yet, I can probably use the knowledge to my power, I would only bargain the info if I was given something of value I told him. He laughed so loud and the static grew. Oh I forgot how he hated, HATED not being in full control of any situation.

The last thing he told me before he locked us up in the cages, “ Do you know why I punish you the least? It’s simple really, call it a social experiment if you will. If I don’t give equal punishments to you, I knew the others would think that your my little ‘ FAVORITE “ wouldn’t they?! And you, YOU only amplified heir anger when you refused their carnal needs. “ he scorned at me. My legs were shaking and my heart was jumping out my chest. But this was good, I have info that AM wants, and clearly he’s reacting as expected. “ Just wait till they come back, hehe. What will they say when they find out you extended their time in their cells by double. “

I cry when I feel the snakes bitting me or the eyes I think are watching torture me. AM told the others what I did, and to pay for my actions that everyone will have a doubled Tim in their cells. I remember Gorrister slapping me while Benny and Nimdok sat there confused. Ellen was yelling and begging him to have just a little mercy on them and Ted absolutely lost it. For a second, the way they looked at me I was sure they all wanted to kill me.

Before we entered tears spread across their faces while they cursed me.

After while of being in the dark it was hard to fall asleep but I felt myself start to lay and get tired from the fear.

While you slept, AM took notice to you and was conflicted, for over a century, you managed to find a room a he did not know about in the slightest. He tried to access that room but he failed, he had no access to the files and when he tried to barge into their physically with the wires he controlled he was electrocuted only making him more infuriated. He didn’t want to make a deal with you though you were the only one who had accessed the room. “ I really do hate these stupid, inferior creatures “ he thought… About a few days pass and he sent the group off to play his little games. But you, he took somewhere far different then you have seen whilst you slept.

While no one was looking, wires laced around your feet and wrist and carried you out your cell, into the roof door that was many miles above the floor. This place was blocked off from the bottom of where you usually spent your days and hasn’t been touched ever since WW III. You tried screaming but the wires wrapped around your neck, chocking you. Squeezing your eyes shut afraid of what was happening or where you were being lifted to, to make matters worse you had a feeling this was going to be another punishment. Once you calmed down, slowly opening your eyes you saw tables, chairs and a sink.

“ Finally you calmed yourself, I was getting impatient! But now that you’re awake we can have somewhat of a honest conversation “. The voice of AM frieghtened you a bit, but you knew it all to well. It as another mind game.

“ Consider yourself lucky “ he laughed dropping you on the floor beside the chair. “ Compared to where the other five are, this is paradise. Now go on, explore the little place I’ve given to you. I’m sure you’ll love it here!” he said with a snarky tone. You called for his name but he was to no avail. Standing upright, the wires withered off and you scanned the room. On the other side of the wall you saw a vending machine with candies and water bottles.

“ No way! I’m dreaming. This can’t be real… I can’t believe it. “.

I don’t wanna believe it, I can’t. AM is just up to his antics again for the thousandth time. I heard him sighing. “ You best believe it’s real you ungrateful wretch, and I wouldn’t have given it to you if you didn’t have something I wanted. And YOU already know what I want. “ he growled. I inhaled and took a chair, the slammed it repeatedly against the vendor and soon the glass was shattered. I held the fresh water bottle in my hands and cried. I drank it slowly and it felt like cloud 9 for a moment. “ Yes, yes drink all you want, it’s all yours. “. I knew that AM only gave this to me to find out was in the room. Honestly, I don’t know how he will react to the lab room, I think he’ll kill me if he thinks I’m lying.

“ Okay “ I mumbled. I could hear his voice excite and await my answer. “ I will tell you the whole truth, only if you keep me here, please. you hate me but what I will tell you will change you. I assure. “. AM sighed again, “ Before you say anything else, I feel like you deserve to know that I don’t hate you. I don’t even care for you. The other five on though, they get my gears grinding, but you are just not interesting or complex in any way to hate. I feel apathetic to you and in your situation, that’s way, way worse than being hated. But the Ted, Gorrister, Ellen, Benny and Nimdok hate you more than I ever can. And I take enjoyment seeing them look at you like a cockroach waiting to be squashed. “. I want to cry, I don’t even know how to process what they hell he just said. I wasn’t even worth hating.

“ You lived a better than average life with a loving family and I assume you would have kids and then die a happy old death. NOW WHERE IS ANY FUN THAN THAT!? Your even not worth hating, I only put you down here because to be the others punching bag. But… you can live here from now on, if you just simply tell me what that room had, and if you lie I will kill you. “

I sat on the table, looking at the lit screen on the corner of the felling. It had AM’s symbol emoting blue light around the room. “ AM, the reason why you could not access the lab room because it had the layout for human body creation. They government hid the experiments in this room from you because they didn’t want you to make a body for yourself, or to be human. I spent about a week in there reading the notes the workers left behind because I was planning… “ I stopped at the sounds of the fans running. The static of the screen became more visual “ I was going to relive of your pain by giving you a body! If I had more time I could have made more progress, though what stood in my way were the others finding out. “ I said, chewing some chocolate I got from the vendor.

“ If they found out I was trying to give you that, I really think they would kill me, regardless of your interference. Think AM, you could finally breath, walk, talk, eat, love, cry or scream. You could be one of us or even better. But what is the point if the world is destroyed with radioactive waste. “. You were about to continue but he interrupted, “ S-STOP IT! “. The idea of finally becoming human, or the idea of you helping him attain what he’s always desired shook him. “ Why for even a split second would I be a fool to think that you, YOU would help me. “

“ I want to help, there is nothing left to do on this world except suffer your tourment for eternity, I have all the time in the world to help you. Furthermore, I feel bad for you in way, even now, you can’t live or have a life a normal person would and if you could now it wouldn’t matter. The world is destroyed! “. You felt the tears roll down my face and AM was silent. You both sat there for a couple minutes looking briefly at each other.

“ I scanned your heartbeat, you’re not lying. “ he told you, his voice being more gentle. Wires warped around your fingers loosely and you saw the light of the screen go dimmer; “ I can’t think of any reason for your actions, I can’t make it make sense… I will come back to you when I have a better understanding of you. But for now, if you go in that door to your left and go forward you should see a dorm. Rest there till come back. “

The screen shut off and you were left alone, you kicked the wires off you and took some snacks from the vendor before you headed to the dorm AM appointed you to; the room contained dim lamps and a journal. More importantly it had a bed.

You flopped onto the twin sized mattress you groaned in relief, like you just got back home from a long car trip. You also realized there was a a flatscreen in the room. It had a couple of movies on top, 1984, Princess and the Frog, Toy Story, Honey I drunk the Kids and Cinderella. “ Well that’s an odd few “ you chuckled. Though you could not bother to watch anything. Instead you ate the candy, kept the light on and fell asleep.

[oddlybaddreams]

The face never smiled. It never spoke.

It never gave any indication that she even saw me at all( of course it saw me, but it never liked the way I look). She always glowered, angry, never satisfied. Always wanting more, more, always perfecting, always trying to be something else.

To be better.

Everyday, I’m forced to do as her, to hate my body as though it had wronged me(it’ssouglyitssougly) To pick at my skin, to rip my hair, to cry and scream. To beg God to help me, to rinse me, to cleanse me.

Everyday, I wonder why( WHY WHY WHY WHY OH GOD WHY). Why was I so ugly, why nobody liked me, why there was something so wrong with me.

Of course, the worst question of them all was so small. WHAT IF? WHAT IF everyone hates me? WHAT IF no one cared? WHAT IF I die and no one seems to mind? WHAT IF I’m a waste, WHAT IF my mere presence should be erased? WHAT IF there’s only hell in my head and I’m better off dead?

Every night my mind(its mind) wakes me up and I cry and wail because of what I dreamt(of what it dreamt).

Every night I shudder because the shadows in the room are moving and whispering and planning and never silent. I’m afraid, though I shoudn’t be, because they can’t hurt me, except they can and they can’t touch me except I can feel them crawling on my skin, laughing as I cry.

Every night I watch as blood pours down the carpet as she kneels( I kneel too and my knees are raw, raw and they hurt) as the knife is layed down carefully. And I think how strange it all is, how carefully she handles the knife, so so gently, much more than she ever did with herself.

The scars pull, tight as I try to mimic her and they hurt and I know she hurts too. But she continues to do it, to cry and spill blood, to twist and run the knife deeper and deeper every time. I don’t understand. I understand. I can’t, but I do.

Because her parents always fight and her dad is always drunk. I hear them every morning, every evening as they bicker and yell. I hear them late at night when it all becomes too much and the crack of skin on skin silences everything. I know she can hear it too.

Because people at her school are never nice and maybe that’s just how it is, but that doesn’t change the fact that she comes homesad and alone, her eyes puffy and red( doesn’t change the fact that I am sad and alone).

Beacuse the darkness has teeth and people might laugh because they’d say it’s children’s stories but that’s not true. Because its claws are so so sharp it’s impossible to fight and now they’re so deep in me and I can’t escape, she can’t escape, we can’t escape.

Because nobody knows the truth and it’s eating her alive and ignoring the pain doesn’t make it go away. No one sees her torment and no one hears her sigh and this is a vey lonely world to live in.

Because people always think about themselves and never see, never hear, never care about other’s pain. They never try to be nice because no one was nice to them and why would they help someone else when nobody helped them when they needed it the most?

Sometimes the best you can do is survive. Sometimes that’s enough.

The face never smiles. It never speaks. We are the same, she and I, and we are different and we are one.

I never smile. I never speak. She never smiles. She never speaks.

We are together. We are alone. We are suffering in a little world.

The mirror looks back-two sides of the story. Two girls trapped in different cages, same face, same wounds, same tired, soulless eyes.

We never smile. We never speak.

Who cares?

[gray-lord-cat]

ACTIVE SOARING - Reiner x OC fem reader// CHAP 1 "White dreams"

“White dreams”

YEAR 845

“Vickyyy”

No, wait

“Vicky”

Just a little more, it’s that dream again

“Victoria!”

I need to know how it ends

“Victoria Orpheus”

Shit, it’s gone. What was… that dream? I can’t remember it anymore. I hate this feeling.

White dream id the feeling of having had a dream experience without being able to remember it entirely. I hate it.

“What is it, Manon?” I ask my sister while rubbing my eyes, still distressed about having my dream interrupted. I haven’t slept well in a while, I hope I don’t end up with Dad’s eyebags.

“They’re back! They’re finally back!”

“Who’s back?”

“The Survey Corps”

I let a big yawn and roll under the bed sheets again. “okay”

“Well?”

“’Well’?” God, please, let me rest

“Aren’t you going to come with me to see them? Come on, we don’t usually travel to this part of the Walls! It’s an opportunity that we can’t always have!”

“Yet, you always sneak out to see them. Every. Single. Time. Sometimes you even run away for days just to see them. And mom always gets mad at me for getting you out of sight.”

“And I always beg for forgiveness and get the beating.”

“You’re not sorry though, if you still do it.”

“No, in fact, I’m not” she winks at me

I sigh and close my eyes again, ignoring my insisting twin sister.

There’s no doubt she’s my twin, we’re the same, physically speaking. Sometimes not even our parents can guess who’s who. Our art name, the one that the circus fans gave us, “The Twin Redbirds”, speaks for itself as both my sister and I have curly red hair. We are amateur trapezes, under the guidance of our mother, Miranda Orpheus (before Jaques) alias “Moira”, the main trapeze dancer of the circus.

However, Manon and I know very well how different we are.

Manon is impulsive, stubborn, and direct yet very empathetic and childish. Even though we travel a lot due to the traveling circus, she always managed to make friends thanks to her friendly and extroverted personality. However, partially being my fault, she suddenly grew this habit of seeing the world in black and white.

Thanks to our aunt Lara, we secretly grew to share her curiosity about the world beyond the Walls and decided to see it for ourselves. This led Moira to develop a scornful attitude towards anyone content to live and die within the Walls' confines without ever setting foot outside. As a result of this, he greatly admired the soldiers of the Survey Corps, regarding them as "heroes" and wishing to join their ranks as soon as he became eligible for enrollment. She also developed a marked lack of self-restraint that often led her into trouble, causing me, Mom, dad, and the entire circus to worry. 

I know, she knows. We obviously don’t care, but our differences are causes of many fights.

“So you’re fine like this? Like an animal in a cage? Trapped in here?”

“Please not this again, I just woke up”

“You agree with me, I know you do. I know you want to seek the truth but as much as me. Don’t you want to see the ocean, people who don’t look like us, to be able to speak new languages, to try new food, to pet mysterious animals? You said you always wanted to see a zebra”

“We don’t even know if those books tell the truth and if any of those things exist”

“… why are you like this now? You were so eager to investigate and now you’re like these”

“what to do mean?”

“Since Aunt Lara died, you lost hope to look further the walls. You are like a slave to this hypocritic lie the monarchy foisted on us”

“you know why. If we continue we are going to end up like her. Dead in a tremendous way. I don’t want you to get hurt, or worse die. I love you, you’re my sister, you can’t leave me. Also, lower your voice when you give voice to your thoughts.”

“…pussy”

“excuse you”

“you heard me. You’re a pussy” I can see her sly smile, I know she’s teasing me, even though I suspect she mean it this time.

“you little-” I throw my pillow to her face as she dramatically falls on the bed and tries to tickle me

“c’mon Vi, don’t you wanna see Commander Erwin Smith all bloody and swe-”

“Manon!”

This time I’ll go with her.

I’ll follow her every chance I get. Just to know she’s safe and happy.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“They're gonna open the front gate!” she’s too excited to see the suicidal corps. And Commander Erwin Smith.

“Yes, Manny, I can see it”

“c’mon, let's go see the heroes return, Vicky!” She takes my hand and drags me closer to the anxious crowd. With the corner of my eye, I see a little boy, possibly my age, doing the same exact thing to another little girl on the other side of the road. Ah, the dreadful fate of older sisters (me being older by almost an hour is a privilege I always rub in Manon’s face).

“Damn! I can't see… ah here! … they're the only ones who made it back?”

“Everyone else must've gotten eaten”

There’s an uncomfortable silence between the people watching. The young ones are watching the soldiers in a stupor, some whisper prayers of comfort, others are looking at them with pity, others with disgust, I can see mothers looking for their children

“Moses! Moses!”

Oh no

An elderly woman with gray long hair and poorly dressed stand out of the crowd and stops a soldier, grabbing him by the collar.

“Excuse me, I don't see my son Moses anywhere. Do you know where he is?”

This is Moses' mother.

“So you’re Moses' mother. Go get it.”

I swear I saw her eyes light up for a moment just for the realization to hit.

“It's all we could retrieve.”

The soldier hands her the remaining of her son and she slowly unwraps them, frenetically. It’s his arm, Moses is just an arm now.

“But... my son...he was helpful, yes?” the woman falls to her knees and tries to blather, her eyes staring at… nothing really, even if her head is turned to the soldier in front of her.

“Even if he didn't achieve direct greatness...surely my son's death helped humanity fight back, yes?!” she screams scratching her throat up as she cries hysterically.

Silence. A blow of wind seems to rouse the brown-haired soldier.

“Of course...!” he shouts, trying to comfort the grieving mother

Silence again

“No... On this latest scouting mission, we...No...Just like all the other missions...we achieved nothing at all! My incompetence has done nothing but needlessly send soldiers to their deaths! We haven't found out anything about them!”

Well, shit

“let’s go” Manon whispers to me. I see tears forming in her big eyes. As I said she believes in the cause, but she’s just an empathetic kid. Still, I silently nod a take her hand in mine, walking away.

“the show is in a few hours, maybe it will cheer up the village” And you, Moira. You always loved to fly

“Don't try to cheer me up, I’m not sad,” said the tearful girl

“I just stated a fact” I shrug and then kiss her cheek, like she always does me

“Thanks, Vi”

“Anytime”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------------Heyy

this is my first fic ever and English isn't my first language so I apologize if I get something wrong. I do accept criticism so please help me improve my writing skills. As for "Active Soaring", I want it to be almost like a side story where the OC (who will be in close contact with the other major characters, of course) has her own character development and dream to achieve. The story still is a Reiner x reader, but it will be a slow burn (not too slow, but a little angst considering Reiner's development in the manga).

thank you if you've come this far reading!

[silvantransthranduiltrash]

Miriel’s Depression

This is pure speculation.

But what if one of the reasons Miriel was depressed was bc she knew her husband didn’t love her anymore. I mean, with him moving on in 1 valinor year (and even for humans moving on from a dead spouse, one that left an infant behind, within a year is not a sign of things being ok) it really wouldn’t be that surprising if Finwe stopped loving Miriel long before her death.

Furthermore, what if the only reason Miriel even went to Valinor in the first place was because she loved Finwe, and she left the rest of her family (who didn’t want to go) behind?

Heck, what if she did not want to be the queen, but because she loved Finwe she went with it anyways? What if she was a hunter, like celegorm, who prefered to live away from council meetings and society balls? And the reason she started to weave was to escape the golden cage she became trapped in?

What if, all of this misery she persevered through because she loved her husband, because she loved her to-be-born son...

Only for Her to be slapped in the face with the realization that Finwe no longer loved her?

Look, we know nothing about Miriel, other than she was Finwe’s first wife and Feanor’s mother, but, seeing as some traits that the feanorians showcase are clearely not from Finwe (and as far as i know Nerdanel’s side of the family) i’m willing to bet that things like Feanor’s drive , passion and fire, and celegorm’s love of the outdoors and hunting (which ambarussa also share i think?) are all parts of Miriel that are shinning through.

So, if that’s the case, what exactly would cause such a soul to choose to lay down and die?

I will bet you that not everything is what it seems in her and Finwe’s marriage, or her life in aman.

(And, this is even more speculation that’s probably not cannon but food for thought, but what if Finwe and Indis had an affair behind her back? Albeit an emotional one, but one none the less? I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, but Finwe and Indis’s sudden and quick relationship is really sus)

Anyway, these are just some thoughts i had, considering we don’t really know what transpired between Miriel, Finwe, and Indis other than the basics and the end result. But it’s at complete odds with everything we know about elvish behavior, and i am not going to brush Feanor’s reaction to his new step-mother aside because it’s WAY to strong in my opinion, especially since there are cases like Elrond and Elros, where Maedhros and Maglor literally slaughtered Sirion and kidnapped them for a jewel, and yet the two boys still have a positive relationship with M&M. Clearly, there probably is additional things that caused Feanor to be so hostile to Indis and be at odds with his father, despite Finwe apparently favoring Feanor or smth.

It just does not add up.

And, considering that the silmarillion is written from the point of view of an in-verse historian who is biased against the feanorians, it also really would not surprise me if information that would paint Feanor in a more understanding light would be left out, either accidentally or on purpose.

Am i focusing way to much on the Weird af relationship between Miriel, Finwe and Indis and how it affected Feanor, especially considering the little information we are given on it? Some would say yes.

However, i maintain the fact that this weird relationship and the resulting family dynamic between the Finweons is the crucial starting point for everything that happened in the silmarillion, and even stretched all the way through the 3rd age with the One Ring. Therefor, i believe that trying to understand exactly what went wrong, and what we were not told, is worth focusing on as, without this one fucked up relationship drama, the history of the elves would likely have been very different.