#my life is just too crumbled
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Tonight I watched Star Wars….
Oh, yeah, look. I know the young folks call it “A New Hope” or “Episode IV”, but when I was growing up the first movie was “Star Wars”. If Lucas still expects me to accept his tinkering after I had LITERALLY seen the movies more than 100 times, then I’m never gonna use his rebranding.
Yes, really. 100 times.
I worked my ass off cutting brush growing up to earn enough money to buy the movies on VHS. This is back in the days they were rental priced. I think I paid $75 per movie and then went and bought the Han vest and Luke jacket the fan club was also selling.** When I got those three tapes I would sit there a day watching the movies like an endless loop, starting over as soon Jedi was over. And I actually kept count on a chalk board!
It’s soooo damn embarrassing now! I can’t get my head around it. i can’t even stand to watch two episodes of a tv show back to back now. But back then I was in love, a total fangirl..
Plus, yah know, no streaming, no internet even, no cable, a handful of VHS tapes because they cost so much still, and the nearest video rental places a couple shelves in Roses 10 miles away! If you wanted to watch something at home there weren’t many choices! LOL
But I did love it, a deep unconditional love. The visceral thrill I felt as a six year old sitting by my father rippled through my life for decades. I’d watch the movie and feel it again every single time. It was a delight that was filled with the warmth of something connecting with you in a way that if feels it was always there. It was like a part of identity manifest in a movie***. Empire was my favorite, but Star Wars would always have a special place in my heart.
Or so I thought.
**sigh**
I wish I could feel what I always used to feel. I felt nothing tonight. No warmth. No delight. Just a hollowness.
And then I went into a full MST3K monologue, mocking my once beloved movie. I wish someone had been here to laugh. I miss laughter. Saying something and someone else snickering or smiling or even totally losing it in gales of laughter…now that’s one of the most wonderful things in the world.
But I couldn’t even feel the humor. Just nothing.
I’m not sure it’s the fault of Star Wars. I’m not feeling anything much from things I have always loved. Nothing brings delight. Not anything I watch or read or listen to or eat or wear or do or…. I can’t blame any of it on what I loved failing me. They are unchanged (well, relatively…damn you Lucas) but something about me has.
I’ve had all my hope worn away. It’s too hard to be happy anymore. Surviving is all I feel like I do, but I’m doing it by habit and my core obstinance rather than caring.
You can’t really love if you can’t even care. I know I love these things, but it’s like knowing you are supposed to love someone while suffering from amnesia.
Funny though that I can still feel grief over all this. I mourn loving things. It scares me, this nothingness where I always felt so much.
** I wore that vest to school every single day for at least a year! It’s so beyond ridiculous!
I mean, I always seemed to have a “thing” I wore like a life line, connecting me to the “real” me. School was traumatic, and I was losing myself to to it. I’d gone from extravert to introvert, and told myself I was just acting to survive. But I felt it happening, the crippling insecurity, the fear of people, seeping into my bones. So I’d wear something. For it a few years it was my ankh (lost), then my amethyst amulet (lost), then my denim jacket with a daily rotation of buttons/ pins/badges/brooches, and finally my leather jacket (my beloved). But that year did I have to latch onto this utterly geeky bit of clothing???
Of course, no one ever seemed to guess it was from Star Wars. You see, the movies were super popular, but geeks were NOT. To admit you knew what it was was to admit you were a geek too. I was the school’s (a K-12 school at that!) only open geek. I even wrote my senior year term paper on comics….’cause fuck it, I’ll never be popular but I can at least be me!
Gah, I remember Coach G—— (how victorian of me!) , the health/PE/science teacher, used to stand behind me pulling at the loops on the back of the vest. He’d be talking away and suddenly I’d feel the yank, yank, yank he pulled me back and forth. Drove me nuts, but hey, at least he never groped me like I heard some girls had to deal with.
(WTF was with our school always having the coaches teach science when most of them had no interest or knowledge of the subject?? Tells you the value they put in science here, and why my father did a TON of volunteer work in those classes!
***TBH, I had this feeling that all the movies, books, comics, and tv shows I loved created a I kind of mosaic of me. To know what I loved was find out all the puzzle pieces you needed to see who I was. I desperately wanted to be understood. The things I liked would let me be found by someone.
Actually, wearing my geekiness out in the open was like advertising! I was hoping against hope someone would one day see a book I was reading or a t-shirt I was wearing and say “Hey! I like that too!!”
Which is a bit absurd. No two people see things the same way. The thing I liked my be perceived completely differently by someone else. WHY I like what I like is the actual key, and I’m the only one really that knows that.
Plus, hick town, teeny population, still in the anti-geek era…..yeah, I wasn’t exactly gonna get lucky. My parents did when they met, but to think I would too is like expecting to win the lottery because your parents did!
#my day#star wars#emotions#depressed#I am so damn tired#I’m angry at myself for not caring#life is so hard and lonely but I only have myself to blame#I’m trapped to live and die in this little cage#I just wish I belonged somewhere#or still had any reason to hope things could get better#my life is just too crumbled#but no worries#I’ll just keep living because fuck you universe#I just worry I will become an angry bitter bitch that makes everyone that sees her miserable
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they really put alicent in bridgerton blue on the reunion and genuinely expected me to think that she didn’t in fact march all the way to dragonstone to get wifed up? bfr
#I am only a girl living in a society#I make connections#she looks so pretty in blue though I want more#also you’re telling me that rhaenyra saw her walk in all cute looking to not completely crumble at the sight of her?#like my girl got all dolled up for you do something#rhaenyra IS a puppy dog when it comes to those bambi eyes shut up#Alicent was like you think you want her? I’m the love of your life you moron#and rhaenyra is like I KNOW#like she’s been trying to get the other woman to realize that very thing for the last 15+ years#and alicent’s all heartbroken like oh so you’re taking her to wife#and rhaenyra is like nO? WHAT?? all dumb and speechless cause jealous alicent was definitely not on her bingo card this year#whilst also having her own mental breakdown#because how on earth is she meant to explain this to her councel#or jace for that matter#that sure was goint to be a fun future conversation to have with her heir#but also Alicent just strutted into the room and started acting like a scorned wife?#which left rhaenyra feeling like the asshole parent who stopped paying for child support after the divorce#but also she never wanted a divorce in the first place?? and alicent doesn’t seem to get this?#like she’s already figuring out how to most efficiently empty daemon’s chambers for the woman to move in permanently#but alicent’s still yapping off about not having a place in court anymore and fleeing across the sea#and rhaenyra can’t help the bitter taste in her mouth as she states how that ship came in a little too late for them and it is messyyyy#hotd leaks#house of the dragon leaks#hotd spoilers#house of the dragon#house of the dragon spoilers#rhaenicent#alicent hightower#rhaenyra targaryen#bridgerton
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mmmmmm read a disciple shen yuan/shizun luo binghe fanfic about two days ago where the first chapter was the Immortal Conference arc, and SQQ was the one who had to be pushed into the abyss (he was still the villain) except Luo Binghe was refusing and was like, lowkey losing his mind about SQQ being so close to the edge. SQQ ended up having to be the one to fall in himself because of the system's punishment system. The rest of the fic is leading up to that moment. But like, MMM i've been obsessively thinking about that first chapter for DAYS ever since.
now i've been in svsss for a grand total of *checks watch* a week. but god obsessed with that. I want to write/read a fic where disciple SQQ goes a little nuts down there. Like keep all of the things that make SQQ, SQQ, but just. Throw in a little bit more trauma in there. A little bit of a mental break. Let him go a little nuts as a treat. Just a tad unhinged. I wanna see him go, just a little, "god fuck it, i've tried so hard to change this shitty story's outcome and it feels like everything i've done has been for nothing. I'm going to die in this world no matter what I do, I've been doomed from the start, so might as well die the way I want to." and he just, breaks a little! Under all the stress.
He still retains the traits that makes shen yuan, shen yuan, like his overwhelming kindness. But he's just! yk. A little less patient. Paranoid. Jumpy. Colder. A little more aloof and closed off. A little more Shen Jiu. He's no asshole child abuser, but he was a Number One Hater in his past life and he's leaning into that old habit a little more now.
(On a totally coincidental not-at-all related note, there's not enough SJ-and-SY-are-the-same-people fics out there that i've found. This is totally unrelated...)
The Endless Abyss turns the mind into an over-sharpened blade, and SQQ is both fascinated and perhaps a little excited to explore a place that doesn't have a lot of info on it in the mortal realm, but still terrified out of his mind. And he's no Luo Binghe, he doesn't have the sheer brute strength and power to just bulldoze his way through, so he has to be a lot more sneaky and cunning if he wants to survive.
The fic itself role-swapped LBH and SQQ so that SQQ was the half-demon (which lowkey fucks) and LBH the human, but I'm equally-if-not-more obsessed with the idea that LBH remains the half-heavenly demon and SQQ the human. If only because I keep thinking about SQQ befriending some demons (particularly and specifically a group of succubi) and they grow very attached to this Human Cultivator so through magic plot stuff they create some kind of seal/illusion/talisman that makes SQQ appear as a demon because a human cultivator in the endless abyss may as well be the equivalent of putting a giant neon target on your back.
And iirc Shen Jiu was taught demonic cultivation by that one guy(?? i've only been here a week so im not caught up in ALL of the lore yet) so that could totally happen here.
(On the other end of the realms, poor Shizun Luo Binghe is just. losing his fucking mind over losing his most precious and beloved disciple. About .5 seconds from burning down the peaks himself. somebody sedate him.)
The Endless Abyss sucks and SQQ is having a really terrible time and can feel himself going lowkey mad, but also holy shit look at all this WORLD-BUILDING. look at all this flora and fauna, and oh if he had the equipment for it he'd be writing all of this down. ALL OF IT. He was kinda-sorta-already planning on never leaving the Abyss as some sort of fucked up self-exile and self-preservation thing, but now he might? actually just?? never leave if he can help it, like he lowkey likes it down here.
anyways the next time anyone ever sees SQQ again he's got hair so long its almost touching the ground and he's either in rags and half-feral or he's been completely dolled up by his adoptive succubi sisters and still about three seconds from biting anyone who tries to touch him. (he's also lowkey trying to book it back down to the abyss even if he has desperately missed all of his friends and shizun)
#mxtx svsss#svsss au#scum villian self saving system#shen qingqiu#shen yuan#luo binghe#disciple shen yuan#scum villain#svsss#*points at SQQ/SY* i want him to go nuts. as a treat. let him crumble just a little over the stress of his fate and the stress of survival#and the stress of having a lack of autonomy over a handful of his decisions. starry craves angst and she craves a very specific SQQ angst#he was a number 1 hater back in the day and lbr being a hater takes energyyyy. ive heard that this man was the BIGGEST hater i wanna#see him rip a man to shreds with nothing but his tongue and a voice that could cut marble clean in half. skin a man alive sqq you deserve i#*mortal kombat voice* FINISH HIM#i love without-a-cure but unfortunately i dont think SQQ would be able to have WAC and also survive in the abyss.#the succubi nest that adopted him tried seducing him at first. it didn't work. but he did somehow charm them with his cringefail ways#so now they have a brand new mortal big/little brother to dote on. SQQ is frankly delighted to learn all about succubi culture that doesnt#revolve around sex. he makes quite a few friends/allies in the abyss because of his pure fascination and unbiased desire to learn about#demonic culture and all the different niches and nuances of it across species. he's still going insane tho. like that's not stopping.#there's a single LBH pov chapter in the fic and its frankly so unhinged it was fantastic. he's so possessive. he straight up goes:#'oh SQQ isnt gonna be the next peak lord. he's ascending to heaven with me when i do :)' when Sha Hualing (also peak lord) told him that he#couldn't keep his disciple in the bamboo house all the time. what was SQQ gonna do when LBH ascends and he becomes the new peak lord?#gosh that first chapter is rotating around in my mind so bad. LBH was SO unwell. like losing his actual shit over SQQ near the edge.#i so want to write a oneshot abt this where SQQ is also in hysterics (albeit over slightly diff reasons) and tells LBH on his knees:#'this disciple deeply apologizes to his shizun. for he will not be ascending to the heavens with him.' right before he falls into the abyss#this au being disciple SY is for shits and giggles but i can also see it happening for regular SQQ bc 'fuck it im a dead man either way'#frothing at the mouth at this idea also being a SY-is-SJ au too. for the extra angst of SQQ trying to bear the weight of multiple lives on#his shoulders and trying to figure out what is real and what isn't and if he's meant to suffer in all of his lives no matter what he does.#not once in his life has he ever been free to do what he likes has he? self-hatred to the max. he's going mad. poor boy :]
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how do you survive as a toh artist
who said anything about surviving
#the joke is i havent drawn toh in months. badumtss#and that i am constantly in a state of crumbling at a molecular level. but we stay silly#im alive. promise . iv been getting beat with a bat by life for about four weeks now im waiting for it to End before i can draw for myself#again#but on serious note. i dont think of myself as a toh artist bc its not all i draw#it's just all that i post hERE :) smiles. unless yall want my original content too?? but it's mostly for school slash portfolio#vanishing back into the shadows etc etc . adieu
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Okay what if the winners got to meet previous versions of themselves through the life games.
Like grian meets no one. He didn't have any previous "versions".
Scott meets 3rd life Scott.
Pearl meets 3rd life and last life pearl.
Martyn meets 3rd life, last life and double life Martyn.
Scar meets 3rd life, last life, double life and lim life him-
This whole thing was an idea that I got just because I was thinking about ll and sl scar because they were both so lonely like wtf and I just though about a scene that would be so. Grips chair.
Ll: "We won?"
Sl: "Yeah"
Ll: "Did we have allies? Friends?"
Ll scar probably thinks sl scar won only because he had allies to support him. He knows what its like being lonely and he hopes no one has to go through that loneliness. And he wants to be optimistic for once that sl scar, future him, gets allies, gets friends.
He tries to hope and then he sees the look on sl scars face. Or maybe sl scar tries to lie- maybe he tries to say they had allies.
Ll scar sees right through him. He's him after all. Maybe he's always gonna he lonely anyway
#im being insane give me a momebt#also i forgot pearl wasnt jn 3rd life but its okay. she was in 3rd life to me <3#ALSO? THE POTENTIAL OF 3RDLIFE SCAR? AND DOUBLE LIKE AND LIM LIFE SCAR?#3rd life scar is optimistic. he thinks its okay! grian is his ally in the fjture too right? he wins with grian?#no other scar wants to look him in the eye becayse they all remember the allyship they had with grian thay crumbled in ll#and that got completely destroyed in double life.#double life scar doesnt want to tell 3rd life scar and tell him grian doesnt care. he cant do that to himself.#tell his younger and more optimistic self that grian doesnt want them as his soulmates... that he would rather sneak off with skmeone else..#and lim life scar. he was excited for the future because he did have friends! he had allies jn lim life- but seeing sl scar?#seeing how they just go back to being alone again?#its soul crushing.#(inserting my aroace angst here: is he really that unlovable? is his lack of romantic love so unappealing?#does no one want him? does no one but himself love him?#does he himself even love him? can he? seeing how miserable they all are it feels hard and lonely#lim life scar probably wants to comfort them all- but isnt it sad that the only person to comfort him would be himself?#) okay im done being insane goodbye-#stiff talk#gtws
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I'd like a tip! How do I survive highschool? I'm being very tired and I don't wanna and you already did please
~✨
Darling let me say that considering ME a vestiage of sound advice is fucking wild- even worse is I actually have sound advice, though ill stick with general shit
SOCIAL LIFE
If you're worried about socializing? Everyone is. Its highschool. Best advice I can give is the corny "Get involved" stick but im not kidding. BE the fun person, check your schools calander, dress up for spirit day. Give away your Wednesday nights to help build theater sets and every other Tuesday tag along for your friends chess club meeting.
You wont wander in places and suddenly meet your best friends- but you wont be as isolated as Highschool sometimes makes people feel. As overwhelming as it sounds, it is easier to show up then to let yourself slip into the background, and harder to force yourself back to the foreground after.
GRADES N SHIT
Academics? Do not let yourself fail. C's get degrees, but for how fucked our system is, a shit GPA actually does fuck with your future oppertunities in a lot of ways. Also if you're talented in something, check about local school competitions, they're fun and low commitment for the most part (Also my hoh dumbass getting district 3rd place in LISTENING SKILLS??? I will never let it down)
But seriously- I know you have that feeling looking at 30 projects and wanting to just go to bed and finish it last minute. Some classes that works, I did 90% of my history homework in scribbled handwriting in my Psych class. But other classes you CANNOT get away with that, and you will find those out very quickly.
Don't EVER even humor the idea of dropping out (just don't- its NOT worth it) because the more you consider, the more days/classes you skip not out of nessesity, the more you let your grades fall "As long as im passing" you set yourself up for stress and failure alone
And unlike every 80's movies, being smart WILL get you respect (as long as you arent condesending, very clear difference.) from the right people at least. Its also a matter of self pride, you WANT to be proud of your academics, especially if you work hard for them.
You don't need to fight tooth and nail for A's, but getting an 80 on a project you were SURE you failed is a special kind of joy/pride.
CONFLICT
Lastly, if you ever deal with the more unfortunate side of being surrounded by a bunch of hormonal teens which is bullying. It fucking sucks, but its unfortunently common.
I never had to deal with much so I couldnt give advice on personal experience beyond a few things. But I was president of my schools GSA so I had a lot of kids come to me with shit and you bet your ass I handled that. So heres my advice
"sTiCks AnD sToNeS~" That bullshit will get you bullied HARD Pretending like you're the bigger person, ignoring it, etc etc- it works for SOME people, but not always. Tried and true methods? Guilt and Shame. Let me tell you a story of one of the few bullying/ mean fuck adjacent experiences I had and how I handled it As I said, I was part of my schools GSA, and for Day of Silence we had a lunch table information booth. Well some kids decided to be dicks and printed out a super straight flag (in color, had to respect the dedication) and were marching together past our table.
So what do I do? I locked eyes with a few of the boys (kids I knew by name, who id seen in elementary during their braces phase, who id helped carry books with in middle school, whose mamas knew me because of how involved I was my whole life), gave my best genuine smile and went "Oh hey do you guys have any question's? We also have some candy thats free for the taking"!
Every. Single. One. looked at me wide eyed, and apologized saying "Oh no thank you" and a few even accepted the candy. That flag they printed out?? It vanished, crumbled up in someones pocket, the moment I smiled at them.
"Kill em with kindness" Works better than you'd think when its more of a "Oh Im being genuine" then a "Oh im being the bigger person". The moment you match their energy, you fuel it. So instead you have to be that sound mind, shove a mirror in their face and go "You're being a dick."
Of course that only works with people who have any level of self respect, and also men because mean girls are a whole different breed. For girls, just act embaressed on their behalf- don't say anything, but if you ever get a "Woah I didnt know you spoke your always so quiet" You hit them back with a "Haha wait really? Thats so weird to say." or if you wanna still try for peace "Yeah I havent' talked to you before, though this is our first class together- oh and I love your necklace, silver is perfect for you- wheres it from"?
TO SUMMARIZE (and more)
Keep track of school events, and participate
DO SPIRIT WEEK- PLEASE, Its not cringe it actually is cool as hell (and a lot of people involved in school planning get so excited if they know you participate- easy way to be known in a pos light)
Find out your teachers fav candy, Buy them a little treat, make them a doodle. For the love of god let them know you outside your work (Ive had wild exceptions because teachers knew my character enough to GIVE me that grace otherwise not given)
Have a space finished essay tucked away if you are ever like "I just.. cannot" (same for PPT formats)
DONT USE CHATGTP I dont care the situation, at MOST I will say okay on help with ideas/phrasing- but do not copy and paste shit
Go to school theater productions, they are unironically cool as hell
Respect social etiquete, yes there is wanting to be "your own person outside the system" thats great, but not when a bunch of hormonal teens are stuck in a poorly ventilated building for several hours going over US history
Bring gum/mints and offer to share sometimes (if they are chill)
Always have some hairties, spare tampons/pads(even if you arent a girl), bandaids, deoderant. Basically anything someone could go "Oh fuck I forgot-" be the one prepared. Also Earplugs/ a quiet subtle stim toy do wonders
Bullying becomes a problem?? Document EVERYTHING. And dont let people act like its not a big deal.
Pull your weight in group projects, and be VERY truthful on group reviews (If you get stuck with a shit project? Ask the teacher about alternate assignments)
Have a fun little backpack (my senior year was a childrens white with neon rainbow dinosuars and I fucking loved that thing)
ALWAYS HAVE A SPARE CHARGER/EARBUDS
Best advice I can give? Be the person people recognize in a positive light. Reputation is ALOT. Not in the sense of "Oh Tiffany B is a whore so no one should talk to her" But in a it just makes stuff so much easier
Say hello and goodmorning, ask the teacher about their weekend (but plz god not during a group discussion), congratulate your classmate on winning regionals competition, ask a friend if they want gum, offer someone the homework awnsers or a quizlet you made last week, learn the lunch ladies/cleaning staff by name and greet them. All the little simple things add up.
Ive had some shit days in highschool- everyone does. But walking through the halls- having a dozen people call your name, wave, give even a head nod in your direction- it makes you feel seen which to most people, that means the world.
#sunny asks#here we go!!#A whole essay#but yeah- highschool can be rough#mine wasnt too bad#but that was a lot of factors#ill say this-#Sunny isnt my name.#(le GASP)#I know I know SHOCKER!!#But it was a nickname I got in highschool#Why??#Because I was taught life fucking sucks#so what was I gonna do about it?#and for me- as a kid in a world that felt like it was crumbling#it was doing my best to make everyone elses#just a tiny bit better#even with just a goodmorning#ANYWAYS-#Got a little corny and emotional#but here we go#if you want more *specific* thats another day lol#ty for the ask!!#sunny advice
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debated posting this one 4 a hot min but u know what .. i think the Kaiser tag's dryness deserves a droplet 🩷 have this RIDICULOUS Kaiser with a supa fucked up hand bcuz I DONT KNOW HOW TO DRAW ALLAT 🔥🔥🔥 he's wearing an outfit from Ice Spice's "In Ha Mood" music video cuz some lyrics i heard from another song of hers made me think of him . if u know u know anyway srry 4 this silly behavior but u know i can't let any of the boxers escape the girly clothes grasp
srry 4 this wack lighting btw this was taken multiple days ago at like 10 pm or smthn it was NAWT light ✝️
#punch out!! wii#punch out wii#punch out#von kaiser#dewdlebug#i apologize 4 this one guys ive been a lil crazy lately#the lack of PO!! Wii art has driven me simply mad .. but u know me ........ i still have ideas that i NEED to execute but one step at a tim#hes soooooo handsome and he would eat in this fit but i think hes too much of a viejo for Ice Spice hed crumble if he heard Deli ... old ma#IM GIGGLING SO HARD WHY DOES TUMBLR CUT OUT THE LAST LETTER OF EACH TAG LIKE GIRL CHILL#love and kisses 2 all my PO!! Wii buddies tho i miss u guys hehe ive just been LIVING LIFE HAPPILY 🩷 but beware my shenanigans#loooooooove u Von Kuntser u changed lives ✝️
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I found this to be such a random comment until I realised it was Balgeum saying it and it suddenly felt so heavy
#his money trauma runs so deep he cant see how his behaviour hurts inho much more than any money issues could#or maybe he does and its just that bad that he cant physically stop himself#when he told inho to go back i was like my man he cant keep coming back until you have enough money to feel secure#if you dont deal with this now that insecurity is gonna run for the rest of your life and even if you do have money youll always worry abou#losing them and not be able to enjoy the comfort that comes with them#and youre always going to base your feeling of self worth on them#and your happiness and everything valuable in your life would be so easy to destroy#itd crumble#i want him to see the truth so bad it hurts me watching him go through it#im happy he was at least honest with inho#thats a step#hes gonna have to take a lot of small ones too#all of these hurt boys ugh#its such a pretty show and the comedy is fun and the acting is top notch that it makes me ignore how much sadness there actually is in ever#episode#and i recommend it as a light watch because they mix the sweet and the sour so well#but i feel for all of these characters#including hyejin lol#boys be brave
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...
#the other day i was talking to my dad and he said im at a crossroads in my life except its an intersection of many different roads#and i have no idea which one to take. but because the semester is starting tomorrow it feela more like im standing at the edge of a cliff#waiting for the ground to crumble out from under me. not sure what im gonna tell my PI when i see him monday bc i feel like ive got one foot#out the door. its just hard when you dont know what to do or which direction to go or what opportunities you'll even get#and if i say goodbye to this program im probably saying goodbye to astr0biology. and if i dont go back to my old boss im probably saying#goodbye to microbial ecology. and if i say goodbye to those things i might be saying goodbye to a job where im passionate abt what i do#in exchange for being less insane and being paid an actual salary lol#its just frustrating and it makes me even more twisted up inside bc im teaching this semester and im like#how do i put passion into this when i#when all i feel is frustration and uncertainty. i dont even want to go into my office. when i left i couldnt sit in there without crying#but we'll see. too late to back out now. unless i have a breakdown halfway through#unrelated
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Okay y'all it is over it is done the conversation has been had he knows I love him we are still friends I have cried my eyes out properly I have laughed again my heart will keep on hurting for a while but it is FINISHED
#it is a bit rough to be told that the age gap (3 years??) is too big and life stages are too different#and that it would be unwise since im graduating next year#and then be told that he's not attracted to you in that way#and THEN be told that if you were younger he might consider it#but alas that is the way the cookie crumbles#i do value his friendship very much and i am glad for it#but i am also glad he was honest with me#lads if i could choose i would go through all of it again! i have loved this poor sweet oblivious boy for a short while#but it has been very long and very deeply lodged in my heart#anyway i will be okay and im glad i can laugh again so soon :)#thank you for praying for me it really has been a fresh new hell in many ways#and i do love him. i do love him so terribly much#but i know it will pass#also he WAS very sweet about it. very sweet and honest and vulnerable and i deeply appreciated it#part of me is like. WILL I EVER LOVE AGAIN??? and the other part is like. i cant imagine loving anyone else#i kid you not he is the most wonderful God fearing gentle kind man of integrity i know. i love him terribly.#and there is no other guy who i trust implicitly and know i can tell or talk to about anything#so it is hard to imagine loving anyone else. he is so precious to me and just being around him makes my heart so happy#it will pass!!!!!#the waiting room chapter
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🧍♂️............................................................................................... alright man I'm just going to say it. I'm so hsrpilled that it's making me act out and draw fanart again. look forward to it or else ヾ( ̄▽ ̄)
^ that's a wip
#i'm too scared to check but i think the last stuff i put in my art tag on here is like. fe:fates#YEARS!!!!!!!!!!!! AGO#i miss blogging and i'm going to decide to stop being worried about it etc#updates that are not about my life: dr. ratio is my favorite character. if you are in any sustained contact with me you have heard about th#s at least five times#i am 'looking forward to dawntrail' but 'i am not caught up with the last few patches and that is my homework this weekend'#i played the house of fata morgana last year and i'm still a crumbling pile of debris about it. recommend! seek content warnings though LMA#i am playing paranormasight: the seven mysteries of honjo NOW and i'm not done but every time i predict a twist i go heeheheee hoohoHAHA#reading the actual text of mdzs now... on volume 3..........#and just to give you a taste of the REAL WORLD: i am growing out a really stupid haircut.#it's not that bad but man did we miss the mark#my art#wip
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"Biden is the best choice and he's actually really empathetic and reasonable but also you can't wait for a candidate that won't do genocide and war crimes because to become a presidential candidate you have to be willing to do that" see what you fundamentally don't understand is I'm not waiting for a candidate that won't do war crimes, because I know that. I cannot morally stomach this system, it's a joke to claim its democratic, and AMERICA DELENDA EST. this country is a plague on this Earth
#cipher talk#It's baffling because okay so you know how fucked up this is but you're behaving in a way that clearly indicates you want that this shambli#Disgusting empire to cling to life until after you're dead because it'd make /you/ uncomfortable and inconvenienced#To live through its destruction (the wealthier classes and more privileged experience lesser material changes in state collapse so long as#They aren't too highly ranked/involved in politics. A Sri Lankan wrote an article specifically addressing Americans about this)#It's so dehumanizing! People's blood is so cheap to you! You've just accepted its inevitable that genocide will happen!#Because of how the US operates! You can see no other future! It hardly matters to you!#You say this like the death of Palestinians of Yemenis of Syrians is someone else's dropped ice cream cone#You understand why people hate this country and you understand we deserve it but it just. Hardly matters to you#It feels like madness to watch this. It's disgusting#I keep thinking- it'd be so easy for you to justify my people being killed if violence broke out and it was in your favor#It's unlikely because. Well. America loves 'the church of the martyrs'#But you'd do it if that was favorable. You wouldn't think twice. You might feel a twinge in your heart but that's all#Because we aren't people to you!#We aren't all that important! Not important enough for you do anything more than 'well let's vote a blue in and do some protests'#What's a protest worth if you perpetuate the system and can't see a way out and don't try for a way out?#That's killing a man then putting flowers on his casket. It's /perverse/.#You get used to the idea that Africans die that West Asians die and that's just the way of the world. My g-d do you understand anything??#I watch necrosis take hold my parts of my culture and I watch every good person I know be ground to dust under a military regime#I talk to my friend who got drafted and is trans and may never come out because if they do they can get arrested as a 'prostitute'#I watch the wild hope for the future I was introduced to over radio at 9 years old wither#I watch people risk it anyway because just past the fence they can see they know there are people there#I watch my neighbor to the south crumble and weep because our hands are bloody and it's in part because we bloodied them for the west#And you just think that's how things are.#Fascist white death cult mindset
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I'm no professional and I don't want to claim anything, but I think that maybe, just maybe, perhaps even only hypothetically, I have a smidge of depression
Because tell me why nothing that used to bring me joy brings me joy anymore, and when before I was looking forward to my new future I see nothing; or rather, I still do have a future planned but it all just feels hopeless.
And why is it that despite so many health concerns popping up with too much frequency lately, and me getting somewhat concerned by it, a part of me rather do nothing and just let it simmer and get worse despite that being such a huge fear of mine (dying at home due to some random health concern I ignored).
And despitem my fear of death, the thoughts of self deletus keep popping up with much more frequency and no amounts of "but you have so many projects to do, so many things you still want to acomplish, so many people still relying on you and would be sad if you left" to myself is working anymore and that, frankly, is terrifying in itself. I jumped in so many projects so that I could have something to look forward to, to enjoy and have fun and idk make a future for myself, and yet I find myself unable to do any of them properly.
Or maybe I'm just tired, maybe it's just the heat making me sluggish and lazy and I have neglected my health so much it has made me weaker and thus making me just rot in my own home....
Or maybe I really just need professional help which isn't possible in the moment when my parents refuse to even go to the hospital when I'm in major pain anyway and, despite being an adult, I have no money for these kinds of things and I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO THIS IS TERRIFYING WHERE AND WHO DO I FUCKING TURN TO
My friends aren't therapists, this blog is too public to air out my traumas, even this is over sharing but no one sees my posts unless it's fandom related to fuck it.
Koko bot will only send me to professional help I can't reach at the moment.
I just
Feel lost????????
And I'm letting so many people down due to my unproductivity right now, this is so terrifying because I'm letting my health get worse on purpose I think and no amount of fear is making it stop.
I'm slowly killing myself and I hate it.
#salty rants#vent#this is honestly a cry for help#i feel like im cumbrling over none existent pressure#like my life is great?????? its awesome??????#in retrospect my trauma wasnt THAT bad and its been forever ago??????#and im an incredibly privileged person with an incredibly privileged life so like??????#but then again i never “processed” it cuz i always felt too “busy” and pushed to take care of it after i was “done with things”#but now that i actually have free time idk what to do and i just feel like im crumbling#like i was glued with ductape and the tape has ran out of glue or something idk#i just feel awful awful and i just IDK IDK WHAT TO DO ANYMORE I DONT I DONT I JUST FUCKING DONT
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a fellow english major, really happy to see someone who's proud of their degree <3
you know that "no love, no matter how brief, is wasted" line? i think the same applies for knowledge too - no matter how useless it may seem, knowledge acquired is never in vain.
#honestly like. idk what your age is but when i was attending uni i kept getting told that i shouldve gone for IT. because the future#- and the money - is there.#now look at the IT companies. the whole thing is crumbling#not to mention the arrogance. that IT degree didnt make you immune to the same old scam tactics did it. how are your nfts doing btw#honestly i never really expected it myself that a humanities degree would prove useful in a daily life type of way#like. sure i knew it wasnt useless but still. its entirely different to experience it in real time yknow#and the whole new wave ''it isnt that deep'' trend is honestly pretty dangerous bc there usually IS something deeper.#a narrative an agenda a propaganda etc.... or simply just capitalist greed#so its needed to read between the lines and see what the point/intention really is#- and thats what literary and other art analysis is making you do! it makes you stop and think#this is all not even mentioning all the political historical and cultural stuff we learned about all the anglo-saxon countries#which all prove to be pretty useful in light of recent events......#so yeah. anyway. dont listen to all those who say its useless (and theres a lot of those even among the ones who chose this major too)#its clearly not. but even if it were it wouldnt matter ehat they think#(i do wish tho that i couldve attended it already on the right meds bc i feel like i forgot A Lot bc of my mental state at the time#but oh well. what can you do)#thank you for the ask it was really nice of you 💞💞💞#ask#anon
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Gushing about Gojo and Megumi and how they are or could have been everything to me I forgot to mention that I really really really love Yuuji. Like, a lot
#His attempt at reaching out to Sukuna‚ saving him and living with him#and how we see can see here and there moments in which he tries to reason with him from the very beginning#is one of my favorite things in JJK#It moves me a lot. It fits Yuuji a lot#But it fits the constant theme in JJK about how curses and people are not that different so much as well#Yuuji in the conditions of his existence looks at himself and then regards Sukuna#and the difference he sees is a faint line between them drawn out of merely being... lucky. Lucky enough to have someone supporting you#So he asks. Over and over. Let's try. Let's try again. This time it can be right. I know you could love flowers and haiku and company#I know you fear death. I will keep you company in life. Let's try again#But Sukuna owns it like Tirso de Molina's Don Juan does#I don't know. I love Itadori a lot#Their dynamic is truly something else. I wish it could be better#Damn I guess I just don't like shonen. The potential is amazing but damn why is it so unsatisfactory#Talking about best potential ever but unsatisfactory sorry to gush over Megumi and Gojo again#but the apparent parallel between them is arriving me off the wall#Megumi's mention to how it's the three of them reminded me of Gojo's similar comment to Ijichi and Shoko when he learnt Nanami had died#I live for these things. I wish there was enough to actually sustain me#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#Also Gojo found her mother. She said she didn't care but he did. Just in case I suppose?#Perhaps to give her the chance if she did care after all. And I don't know. I don't know. I guess... This is it. This is why I love him#Despite everything he does care. And does take care of things. In his way. Uncouth. Weird. Irresponsibly. But he does#And Megumi laughs#Despite how his world crumbled he laughs. Because of something he wrote. Because of Gojo keeping his promise#In the worst most absurd Gojo way possible. But there he is. Taking care of it as he said he would. Telling him about it#And Megumi laughs. Because that's just so Gojo. Megumi laughs. And it's a sight to behold#And this is it. This is what Gojo could have been. What he was. But the glimpse of what could have been sooo deep when it comes to Megumi#And this is why I love him and them so much. And why the undeveloped potential breaks my ribs so severely#They could have been everything to me! They could have been everything at all! One of the dynamics ever!#Even if it had been nothing! Even in the nothingness! For the nothingness itself. Like the nothingness of this letter! Perfect example
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"what is grief if not love perservering?" or so the saying goes.
"love hurts" or so they say.
i hate that both statements go hand in hand. because i am so fucking far from okay. physically, mentally, and emotionally, i am fucked. i can't even sleep well anymore. i'm still losing weight and i don't think my body ever truly recovered from the weird bouts of illness i had last month, so...
like i didn't mentally check in to work until my shift was supposed to be over. i have to work two more full shifts this week, i have onboarding for a new job tomorrow afternoon and then i have to go and watch a movie with the love of my life right after.
you'd think that seeing a movie with him would be reassuring, but it's really not. i don't want him to see me like this. i'm in no condition to entertain myself, let alone anybody else.
something always hurts. head, stomach, throat, chest. doesn't matter. i'm in pain all the time.
#[ 🌱 — blah blah. ]#i'm too scared to call the doctor because what if i get told that i'm dying or something#like i want to think that i'm just letting the grief that i suppressed catch up with me#but i also am at a point where i literally cannot let that happen#and yet my life is crumbling around me#and by my life i mean my room#and my sleep habits#and my eating habits#the only way i can relax these days is by smoking weed
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