#I am learning new stuff about myself
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sicksucculentz · 7 days ago
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welp
turns out I really like bugs! I like millipedes and isopods!
who knew! I thought I was gonna be strictly a small mammals fan!
pleasantly shocked to find I like the spiders at work to! and i'm scared of spiders!
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wavesoutbeingtossed · 8 months ago
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Randomly thinking about “tolerate it” (narrator voice: it was not random) and how under the cloak of fiction it is ostensibly inspired by works like “Rebecca” (which Taylor said she read during the 2020 lockdowns I believe?), with the line of “you’re so much older and wiser” indicating that the speaker is significantly younger and inexperienced compared to the person she’s speaking to and a pretty direct reference to the plot of the book.
But I saw something somewhere once that stuck with me about how it might not be referring to relative age between the characters but chronological age as in the passage of time in a relationship. And that made me think about how in a contemporary context, it might not necessarily be referencing an actual age gap between the two characters, but rather a sarcastic or cynical response to the man’s claims that he has matured (“you’re so much older and wiser [than you were before/than you were when we met/etc.]”), which then made me think about that line in relation to the woman. And that it could be taken like, “you act like you’ve matured so much in our time together and like you know everything, while I’m supposedly still stuck as the girl I was when we first met.”
Which then made me think of the “right where you left me” of it all and did you ever hear about the girl who got frozen time went on for everyone else she won’t know it and the bit in Miss Americana where she talks about how celebrities get frozen at the age at which they got famous, and how she’s had to play catch up in a lot of ways not just in her emotional growth but kind of in general. (Which also made me wonder if she’s ever been called out for immaturity/lack of curiosity/lack of education about things in her life…)
Which then made me think about the rest of the song, and @taylortruther’s posts yesterday about “seven” and “Daylight” and the way Taylor idealizes her youth yet contrasts it with an almost sinister reality in its wake, and the line, “I sit by the door like I’m just a kid,” because the discussion raised that her relationship let her recapture some of the childlike joy and wonder she’d lost. So this line is a double-edged sword: the speaker sits by the door with childlike hope that the person will come home and cherish her, but on the darker side, feels like the child dealing with the monsters she doesn’t have names for yet and the feelings of isolation she felt as she aged.
I’m not saying the song is necessarily autobiographical; like most of the songs on folkmore, it’s clearly a fictionalized story based on media she’d consumed and created, but we know a lot of the fictional songs were infused with her own feelings and experiences and… This idea swirling in my head picked up steam and now I kind of can’t stop thinking about it. Sorry but I’m a little obsessed now.
Like maybe it might start to shed light on why she identified so strongly with the novel in the first place…
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fisheito · 2 months ago
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yakuya in MY swamp? in MY ecosystem? no . i am still in disbelief. i hope you all know that my particles are bouncing off the everything. i am using periods as punctuation but the state of my mind is naught neareth final.
#the devs really did surprise me.....i'll credit them with that#i fully believed it was gonna be rei#i looked at that silhouette. saw the chunky heels. thought of kuya#but i scoffed at myself. tch. of course not. devs wont play with their strange topbottom segregation. i'll never get the yakuya event#at least not until it's with garu so they have a yokai hella exposition event#it's gonna be rei at a specific angle to SIMULATE a kuya. he will be wearing kuya-esque heels just to spite all the kuyafans#AND YET HERE WE ARE#UNDER THE SEA NO LESS#WHAT ARE THEY DOING INVADING MY SPACE LIKE THIS#like hell i'm gonna share my zone (abyssopelagic) with those accursed sirens#i'm going lower#i'm moving to the trenches. i'm gonna slowly lose the use of my eyeball sight . i'm gonna adapt to conditions#SO MANY conditions. maybe even learn to bioluminesce#actually no. then the predators might find me. and i'll have to regain the use of my eyes in order to improve my chances of escape#perchance even enlargen them like the giant squid. living in constant fear of a fox or a snake appearing in the depths#yet i get the creeping suspicion that kuya is just going to bully yakumo (when he's not bullying eiden)#kuya gonna drop a sad story about personal sacrifice and the difficult lives he's lived#and yakumo ever the baby in comparison will stare at him with his massive saucer eyes like.... do i... deserve to feel sadness?#if i have not gone through the trials and tragedies that master kuya has???#is kuya gonna be soft yokai grandpa or is he gonna be Auntie of Hard Reality#the boy just wants to find new soup ingredients#kuya will then unveil the ethical ramifications of harvesting these specific ingredients#and using them for a purpose other than their original spiritual intent by the indigenous merfolk#along with the questionable supply chain and processes that go into creating the ingredients in the first place#(not that any ethics or spirituality rituals or stuff like that is actually enough to influence kuya's behaviour in any way)#but it'll certainly mess with yakumo!!!! and that's where all the fun is?#furrows brow. what will they do with this event.....#i am so very excited to see them interact..!#mirage of scales#yakuya
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sharkneto · 3 months ago
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Hey, sorry if this is a bit of a personal question - and feel free to ignore it if it is - but how did you know you wanted to start hrt? I am someone who IDs as transmasc and knows in an ideal world, I would've loved to have been born a guy. But the idea of going on hormones is terrifying because I can't figure out if I really want it... I worry about regretting it, or it making me 'unappealing' physically, or my friends judging me for it. Did you ever struggle with similar worries?
I think every person thinking about and starting HRT goes through this. A rite of passage, if you will, and also not a bad thing to do. HRT is a big step, some of the changes (especially on T) are irreversible. It's good to think through if it's a choice that's right for you or not.
That said, it's also Just A Thing You Can Do. I first started really questioning my gender at the end of 2020 (thank you, Elliot Page, for coming out and making me go "oh shit, you can do that?"). I got a therapist to talk about gender... Mid 2022? And started hormones spring 2023, top surgery a year later.
Before getting the therapist, I spent over a year Just Thinking About It. And a lot of the thoughts were around the changes on T and if I'd like them or not or if I'd regret them. If I'd be ugly, after being conventionally attractive as a woman.
It hits a point, though, where eventually you have to pull the plug one way or another. I spent a lot of time thinking about how my body would change on T. A Lot. With longing. I caught myself putting things off Until I Knew For Sure and because I didn't want to do it while being perceived as a woman. I was sitting, treading water for a hypothetical Later that I could start moving towards at any time. I was scared for the Teenage Round 2 phase, and didn't want to spend months being "ugly and awkward", but then the months passed anyway and I was still in the same spot.
HRT isn't an all-or-nothing thing, you can ease into it on a low dose. My doctor started me on a low dose and we ramped up over months. Some T changes can start pretty quickly (voice dropping, bottom growth - this isn't true for everyone, but was true for me). If these changes excite you, make you feel good - great! Keep going! If they scare you, feel wrong - stop. Assess. Figure out what about it isn't right (a gender therapist for all of this process is a Huge Help). In early days if you stop T, the changes can revert, for the most part. But you can always stop at any time.
The bigger thing I actively worked to wrap my head around before starting HRT is - Who Cares If You're Wrong? What's right for you now might not be right for you later. The idea of detransitioning was scary to me, society has such a weird spotlight on it, the Right uses people who have detransitioned as props against transition. But it shouldn't matter. At the end of the day, if I do change my mind, I'll know myself better, and I don't think it's wrong to chase and find comfort in your own body.
A year+ on T, I've mostly made it through the ugly duck phase, I think. I was lucky, I didn't get bad acne or get too oily or anything (after having horrible acne in my first puberty). Most of what I dealt with was the chronic baby face, where I was getting read as male but a teenager - I'm almost 30 and a woman wanted to card me over a free T-shirt at a baseball game because it had beer logos on it. After some middle months of changes and going "oh my god what am I doing" and not feeling confident in how this was all going to turn out, I think of myself as relatively attractive and I think I'm just going to get more vain as my beard comes in. Some of that is physical, sure, but I think a significant amount of that is me feeling more confident in myself and liking the body I'm in more. I was never a selfie or picture person, now I am. I joke I'm like a budgie, always looking at myself if there's a reflective surface nearby. I'm more excited to exercise, I'm interested in lifting weights for the first time, I'm curious what my body on T can do and become. Keep your eyes on the pieces that are going well, the changes exciting you, and let the rest catch up.
My social circle helped a lot. I'm very lucky and blessed to have great friends and family, all of whom are supportive. If you don't have friends who are supportive of you, that are judging you for exploring yourself rather than lifting you up for it, it's a sign to expand the social circle and find ones that are. Family is harder, but that's a thing you have to navigate for yourself and find your own boundaries for.
So, there's no ~one moment~ where you're 100% certain that medical transition is right for you. It's a huge unknown and you're changing the body you've had your entire life. At some point, though, you just have to jump and see how it lands. Part of being alive is making mistakes and doing things you might regret.
That said, the regret rate for trans people is something like 3%. The regret rate for knee surgery is something like 20%. Trust yourself.
#my two favorite posts I've seen online that helped with my transition#are the one that said ''the time will pass anyway'' in response to learning a new skill and being bad at it in the beginning#and a response to the question ''how did you know you were trans?'' of ''i thought about it''#because i didn think about it! a lot! a lot a lot!#and the time does pass anyway#the cliche advice is ''cis people dont think about this stuff'' and its true#or if they do they conclude they're good where they're at and how they identify rather than twisting themselves in knots over being sure#only you can decide if you're ready to take the plunge and try hrt#i do recommend getting a therapist to talk it through with#especially the social side of transition because that is scary#even if you have people you know will accept and support you it still puts you in a very vulnerable postion and it takes courage#the therapist also helped me talk through a lot of my fears about if i was ugly on the other side of transition#and the answer to all the social fears is always ''it won't matter to the right people''#i already had the right people around me but if you don't you can find your right people#a thing i reminded myself a lot too is to give people a chance#to keep ourselves safe we assume the worst so we can brace ourselves for it - that we will not be accepted and will have to defend ourselve#but i kep reminding myself it was not fair to assume the worst of people - especially certain family members#so its good to prepare yourself for the worst - but you also have to give people a chance to surprise you#i was So Scared of telling my aunt and and grandma. they were the last people i told because i was so afraid#but i did and they were nothing but supportive#they don't get it. we aren't going to talk about it. but we dont need to - they're doing their best and i am loved#good luck on however you choose to do things and find your happiness#hrt#gender#ask response#boy stuff
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kil9 · 1 month ago
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everypony hates me for my complete and utter disrespect of authority
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pardonmydelays · 2 months ago
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i also think it's kinda cool how tyler makes me want to learn stuff
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pom-seedss · 7 months ago
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Old art, new format!
Made a paint by numbers for myself to keep track of which colour goes where because I know I would have messed it up otherwise.
Fun to see how this turns out.... I custom mixed the blues. I think 2 and 3 may end up being too similar, but it should still get the effect I wanted for the most part.
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mortellanarts · 10 months ago
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2023 go bye bye
#999 spoilers#art summary#art summery 2023#my art#shoutout to all my monster high drawings that are still in the oven#I haven't posted them anywhere but! my friends made them pins and I've sold them on cons throughout the year :3#I only started drawing them as a request from a boothmate actually and they're such fun designs to draw!!!#I went to a lot of local conventions to participate in the artist's alley and made so many friends that way it was wonderful#I think the next thing I'll reblog will be the game I worked on!#found out the nda doesn't cover me simply saying 'hey I worked on this thing coming out in a few months!'#so I made artist and cosplayer friends selling my art on the beach and I got my first proper job#....then I proceeded to give me a shoulder inflammation because my setup was terrible and it had to catch up to me eventually#but! already managed to get a new tablet and desk for myself!! it's even a screen tablet so there'll be a learning curve but I'm excited#I'm hoping this display will make things easier I always had trouble sketching on digital#and I am more carefully taking breaks now also because turns out relying on hiperfocus is bad for you? never knew#I was going through some stuff in the middle of the year there though I had so many vent drawings of akane from may to october qwq#not featured here are the tons of utena and umineko wips I have accumulated those were my favorite new media I got to experience for sure#in fact I'm watching the adolescence movie rn!! what in tarnation is this last act lol whatever! go Anthy go!!! floor it queen#also not featured the tons of oc stuff I made :D I'm glad I feel like I can start properly working on them soon ^^#but yeah that's that I felt like writing a whole diary entry in these tags and you read it and that's what tumblrs all about ♡♥︎
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cappurrccino · 4 months ago
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maybe i should try my hand at typesetting/bookbinding with my bang fic from last year... 🤔
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nemotakeit · 4 months ago
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i remember the first time ever i listened to SO i was like pfft rap? get out. (i was cringe) and then when i gave it a listen again a few months later i was a changed person... so i binge listened to their entire discography immediately and was genuinely shocked because how could ALL of their songs be bangers, like i couldn't believe it was possible it was surreal........ i wish i could turn back time (lol) to experience that pure shock again
#and the funny thing is i was in denial abt liking them for some time#i couldnt afford a new hyperfixation in that specific year#and i remember thinking to myself 'lol their music might be good but they're probably ugly its okay i wont like them'#(I WAS A TEENAGER SORRY FOR MY MENTALITY)#so i searched them up on pinterest and guess what i saw. the blurryface photoshoot#i kind of glitched and realized i was fucked#but i still tried to deny it and avoided looking at their pictures for days#but i eventually gave in and looked up videos and interviews and random facts about them#i was like SO stressed out abt this like i would get in trouble if someone found out i like them ahjdkdl#mind u in my country hardly anyone knows who they are#i made peace tho and then i fully embraced becoming a clikkie#technically im a hiatus clikkie#and one of the biggest concerns in my life then was the question of 'ARE THEY RETIRING WHY ARE THEY GONE'#idk looking back its so funny#this was in 2017#OH and one more thing#i was born and raised a christian and still was at that point (now i am not)#and all my life my mom would heavily censor stuff that would come across as 'devilish' or even mildly offensive to the christian religion#yknow even harry potter#so i had this irrational fear/anxiety abt stuff like that wired in my brain as well#so when i saw the hds live vid on youtube (the official one with a ton of views)#i got sincerely worried they might be some kind of devil worshippers or something 💀#them having a song called heathens did NOT help#off i went to google their religion and... the relief i felt when i found out they were christian lol#btw my mom did freak out over heathens when she found out 💀💀#i wont go into detail but she did give me trauma when she learned about the dema storyline too............#i still dont play lore videos when she's in the room 🥲🥲 thats why im lowkey jealous of clikkies with clikkie parents#okay story times over lol#tøp#nemotakeit
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torchickentacos · 1 year ago
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REALLY want to legit learn how to sew. I can't just buy myself things for various reasons, so I'm always looking at, like, how to make dinner with random shit around the house, how to alter clothes since they WILL fit differently from 2013 (because I only own old things and hand me downs), how to repair things at home, and I really just want to have things I like to wear without resorting to fast fashion or even shipping stuff to my friends and picking it up that way. I bought one jacket off of amazon as my, like, single purchase of the last five months and I feel really bad about it (which is silly and I know it, but alas), and I just really want to be able to sew actual garments on my own. Do I need another hobby right now? Not really but we'll see.
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fair-lead · 6 months ago
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textbook mentioned gravitational waves/radiation and i almost imploded in my seat
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neverendingford · 6 months ago
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#tag talk#I feel good cause a new friend at work said something about how my boyfriend hasn't talked much to him since meeting me#And I was like uh oh I do not want to be that bitch#and I know he's been trying to organize some kind of game might and I was like rip you can't get him to play stardew valley with you#and I don't like stardew valley so I was like hey what about minecraft? because if I get them playing together on a realm then It's fixed#so anyway now I might have a new server and friend group to play with and hopefully I'll be less in the way of the preexisting friend group#because I'm really conscious of when I'm the reason stuff goes poorly so I don't wanna be a reason friends don't hang out anymore.#cause that shit sucks. jealous girlfriend type can go die I ain't about hogging people I don't feel good about it.#I just want everyone to get along and be friends#I'm putting in the work to learn bedrock mechanics. that's how committed I am to this. I hate variations on an established base.#it's the autistic in me for sure. I loathe multiple versions of songs. there can only be one true version. one right answer. all else is bad#so the slight discrepancies between bedrock and Java drive me absolutely nuts bonkers up the wall#I read a really good twilight fanfic and it rewired my brain and now I'm forever mixing up which is cannon and which is fanfic#because my brain immediately booted the version I preferred less and installed the new fanfic version as the correct right version#anyway. I'm hunting tutorials that actually explain the mechanics and taking notes so I know how to adjust the designs for aesthetics#because you need the minimum mechanical base to work before you can ad lib a building style and design onto the structural framework#I figured out the iron farm mechanics so tomorrow I think I'm gonna work on gold farm stuff. and redstone I just want to learn myself
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pepprs · 1 year ago
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discovered miah_pie on t*ktok (<- i don’t have one btw i just stumbled upon her bc someone i follow on ig talked abt her) and her videos make me want to cry so bad. 24 year old dependent moment
#purrs#i went to a clothing store today to try to get new work shoes and pants bc the one pair i have of each literally have holes in them and are#falling the fuck apart on my body and it was a HORRIBLE experience largely bc i think everybody in town was out shopping for back to school#so it was super crowded and there were lots of screaming kids and it was extremely stressful + my dad got into a mini car accident while i w#was in the store (he was / is completely fine thankfully but the car is not which is so awesome 😍😍😍😍😍) and i was just so stressed and#overstimulated but also like… nothing fits me bc im so short lol. but anyway it was so horrible i was on the verge of starting to cry in the#store and then i came home empty handed and my mom got super pissed at me for… needing to go to the store / being the reason we were out lol#and then finding miah pie and her videos are all about making trips to the store SO much fun and buying little treats and saying yessir and#OHHHHHH MYYYYY and just finding the joy in smth that can be so stressful and unpleasant… it makes me want to cry happy and sad tears at the#same time like i want that soooo bad and i can’t do it fully yet but i want it. need it. fuck my stupid baka life#anyways im gonna start saying the stuff she says just to make myself feel better even when im not at a store. yessir! OHHHHHH MYYYYYY.#acquired. don’t mind if i diddly dooooo!#also btw i am not a dependent except for the ways i am a dependent. hope that helps 🫶🏻#the problem is really that i don’t have a car or a license and also that my mom throws a fit every time i need / want to get driving#practice bc it’s never a good time so. lol 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍 me doing drivers ed this summer was a fucking joke i forget literally everything i#learned and have only been behind the wheel 3 times and none of them have actually counted bc im just developing basic motor skills#(literally). fmlllll im never getting out of here who am i kidding 🤪#delete later
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schnaf · 7 months ago
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#learning hangul never ends#and i am like 🔪#so you're thinking of yourself as superior to chinese?? at least chinese MAKES SENSE#and doesn't have to make up new rules at every single corner#it's so weird that hangul was invented bcs this guy was like nah chinese characters are too hard i'm gonna make an easy system#and then it's like... oh but this is an exception#this letter is pronounced that way! but if it comes at this position it's pronounced another way#and sometimes it's just silent#and sometimes there are 4 letters but two of them are silent and 1 of them isn't pronounced regularly#i am DONE#sure learning chinese characters is a LOT#but at some point you can see patterns and it all fits together#korean letters are way easier but THE PATTERNS ARE A MESS#(but also i just looked at another way to count in korean)#(like.... i know un deux sept)#(but there's a second way to count and it sounds so similar to chinese and 🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳)#(i know there won't be many crossovers so i'm happy about every single one)#((talking about crossovers: i started learning czech recently because i have no self control))#((((also because i told myself i'd only start learning a new language after being good in chinese and that day will never come))))#((((so i dropped that plan and now i've got nothing holding me back from starting new languages))))#((and a few days ago i listened to a russian interview and i was like wait i know these words))#((it was very nice but also a reminder that i should have stuck to languages that are part of an actual family))#((i want to know more 'if you know one you know them all' languages))#anyway that's my language rant for today and if it wasn't for my number crossover i'd be a bit more 'why did i decide to learn korean UGH'#(the answer is immersion btw. i thought if i keep watching korean stuff i might as well learn the language bcs at least i've got immersion)
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batfossil-fr · 2 years ago
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I have another skin I've been wanting to get some progress on and then I remembered that I haven’t streamed in one million billion years. if people are interested in a jank little ipad stream (oh god I’ll have to figure out if that’s even possible) maybe I’ll try my hand again at streaming my art. no promises I’m still trying to crawl my way out of Only Making 2 Pieces of Art Per Year so I cannot guarantee when the mood will strike me
#unfortunately it has been a Bad Time. i had all these hopes to start up a non FR blog and was going to!!! but I'm so dead.#I hope I'll be able to do it soon because I really want to! it just requires energy of which I have none right now#I have an insane amount of worldbuilding shoved in my head and it would be fun to share#like I will go insane with worldbuilding if I'm left to my own devices. I was trying to make a new chromosome system the other day.#I once tried to figure out orbital mechanics to make a planet system. I am an evolutionary biologist. I know fuck all about orbital mechanic#s#god help me because I started thinking about weather patterns recently#anyways#really the most part is I just gotta get over the mental hurdle of ahhhhh sharing scary#sharing stuff here has me sweating sometimes LOL#just because Ahhhhhhh People Can Perceive Me and My Art#plus streaming is like Get Perceived Idiot and I think that I need to practice that#anyways welcome to my TED talk.#who cares!!!!!!!!!! @ ME Get This Through Your Head.#also I know I'm the king of ok I will try my best to make this happen! and then not making it happen but I did not forget.#I have ALWAYS wanted to make an art blog since I was like 12 and learned what those are. but 11 years later I'm still too chicken to do it#SO. I'm working on it#I am biting the bullet and forcing myself to start posting shit. eventually. soon#if you want to get the jump on it my tumblr is actually already made I'm just sitting on it and letting it haunt my brain#it's rewormer. just rewormer#because I will be posting about worms. many many worms. I love them. they are my brain rolled out into a worm shape.#MY brainworms. no dewormer allowed <3#my interest in worms went from 'I love looking at sandworm concepts I should make one sometime' to#'ok I finally made my own sandworm and they are so incredibly self indulgent that I can think of nothing else now.'#speculative biology my beloved at this point I do my little biology thing and then come home and immediately try to apply all of those ideas#anyways holy shit if you read all of this. I give you a sticker#but I just wish I had the energy to do all this. I'm hoping it changes soon because I do really want it! very badly! I just am not there yet#unfortunately things have been Bad and I have not been doing Well and life kinda derailed and then the train fell into a lake.#and I am still sitting in the water being like aww shit my train. but I'm hoping to call Train AAA soon#holy shit I hit the tag limit okay bye for real
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