#but i think a lot of ppl put way more stake in authority than they realise....

[kil9]

everypony hates me for my complete and utter disrespect of authority

[thefudge]

hi dr. fudge! i hope you're doing well.

firstly, i want to express how much i love your writing. your fics helped me discover, explore, and better understand my appeal for darker fiction. i started reading your work in my teens and having your fic as this counter to the puritan takes on tumblr about "immoral fiction" really helped me avoid experiencing a lot of shame and general misunderstanding about dark fiction that i'm sure would've plagued my younger years otherwise. so thank you immensely for that.

that brings me to my next point and question: how do you just write shamelessly and stop caring whether people "approve" of your ship and taste? i know it is SO silly to care and that you can't appease everyone, but i'm writing my first "dark" ship - which isn't even dark, it's just pretty disliked bc one half of the ship is the show's Asshole Sexist Guy and he's paired with a more lovable female character - but i'm still oddly nervous about it? it's just a different pairing than what i usually write for.

but my needless anticipation about a possibly negative reception bc it's out of my norm and, again, bc it's for a ship where the guy is "problematic" are affecting my ability to write and souring my excitement about this fic. i know there's literally nothing wrong with this, the stakes are so low, and people will likely not care that much but if they do, who cares, yet i can't shake these nagging thoughts! i was wondering if you had any insight you could lend about Letting It Go and just enjoying writing again without these concerns getting in the way.

my apologies for dumping this ridiculously long ask on your doorstep. i always look forward to hearing your thoughts about anything and you're so kind to your anons, which is why i sent this to you. thank you for all that you do! i hope you have a nice day. :-)

omgosh, getting emotional about that first paragraph and you reading my work in your teens! :'''') thank you <3 i'm really glad i could be a good influence.

as for your qualms about writing your own darker ship, i get your anxieties, but the right ppl will find and engage with your story, because there's a hunger for bolder content that tackles darker themes in a genuine fashion. think of it this way, some ppl are just as anxious about asking for this content, as you are about writing it. so you guys will find each other.

the negative comments/reactions usually fall into two categories: 1. Spanish inquisition trolls who did not even read the story but want to berate you for tackling anything they consider improper (and you just ignore/delete/block those), 2. genuine criticism about the way you tackled the ship/themes, which may sometimes come from a good place, but which can still be a dick move if it's too aggressive or not at all constructive. The second kind of criticism may sometimes happen if the author writes dark fic that's very OOC and lacking in substance, where it's impossible to imagine the characters doing the actions in the fic, and the author doesn't even try to make it believable. and for what it's worth, though i understand the criticism in those cases, there should be room for those kinds of fics too, where ppl just wanna have fun and not think too much about it, because the right ppl will find those fics too. from your message, i get the impression that you put a lot of thought into this and you want to write a dark fic where you want the pairing to be believable and make sense, which means you'll be careful about characters and storytelling, and i think that will come through in the writing, which is why i also think you'll get positive reactions. just the fact that you care so much will seep into your writing and make the readers appreciate it.

even if you're anxious about this process, your brain already knows the answer, because you seem like you really want to write this, so let that feeling guide you, let it be bigger than your worries, because it IS bigger than your worries. ultimately, you want to make smth you enjoy, and that feeling is infectious, so your readers will feel the same. and even if they don't, i'll be here, cheering you on! so drop a link when you've posted it!

[nxiousxpsistence]

it's over, they're all over

I've let them all go.

Yesterday was yet another Pride day in London and on Pride, nothing can make me sad. That's why it was good timing to have that convo where I literally let go of my crush after holding on to these warm feelings for a month or so - wait, exactly one month!

I found him after the march and we had a couple of drinks and talked. My intention was to lay it all on the table and gauge his reactions. Before I could say anything though, he hit me with "I've been upset over this. I get upset over things like this!." I spent the next half hour trying to understand what got him upset.

Apparently he felt like a male "pervert" perving over a femme who was not interested.

It was more like him starting something without my consent. I didn't put the binary into it, he did.

And it was just bc I didn't respond to him for about 6 hours and I hit him with "I need time to think if we can find a common ground" in the morning when HE texted me "Are we not speaking BRO?".

Forgetting how he left me on read for days on end and I never made a big deal out of it bc I didn't want to keep in contact constantly. Apparently he thought it was him being aloof and me chasing him, giving him the space just so I could bag him. Like what?

I tried to make him understand that it wasn't the original boundary-shattering but how he and I handled it in the hours following. He failed to respect my agency and my space at every step of the way. The initial attempt made me feel uncomfortable, the convo that came after didn't reduce that discomfort and, in fact, added to it.

For one, he literally said "Oh, I've been expecting this, this is too familiar." This is possibly the only notion I hate with my whole heart. It renders me without any will or means to reply. Should I try to persuade you otherwise or should I say "Yeah, you must be a genius!." There's an element of trust at stake here, too. I can't really put my trust in another person's way of thinking if they are in the habit of jumping to conclusions without enough information AND submitting to their impatience to assume the worst about themselves and myself. Like Super Hans says, I can't really depend on this way of thinking in a combat situation.

Apparently what he thought was that I must have got back together with my ex, who wouldn't want me talking to other ppl. Where exactly is my agency and my authority in that? Am I just a putty in ppl's hands and have I got no willpower to do as I please? Also, why are you trying to get closer to someone who you think can actually be dragged into things rather than following their own agency?

Towards the end of the conversation, it was pretty clear to me that we wouldn't be able to make each other understand our respective positions and I told him as much. I explained how I knew the pieces didn't and wouldn't fit and this is actually a good thing that'll save us a lot of heartache.

I think it was the toxic doublethink I got from him that put me off further. Half of the convo assumed what happened the night before was purely a misunderstanding, while the other half questioned why he wouldn't be able to use sexual innuendos while talking to me, an asexual. This way of thinking is DANGEROUS, not only for whomever he chooses to be with but for himself, also.

When you start questioning if something could be anything other than what it actually was, there's no fighting that.

He couldn't answer me when I flat out asked "Was it suggestive or not?." Because it fucking was. And him trying to convince me that it wasn't (while claiming he should be able to say suggestive stuff to me) was an even bigger red flag than the original suggestiveness. Hope he got that.

I was only shocked when he talked about how I approached him sexually and how if he'd done that, that would've been an issue with me. What he's talking about is this 4 sentences I uttered to him, explaining that I'd want a casual relationship, no strings attached, with hopefully some sexy times. That's it. It was me offering him my consent - NOT to have sex right there and there, but maybe to start talking about it, what we want, and what gives us joy and what makes us tick? How is it that our personal spaces should be available at all times to be invaded by others? Why would somebody open themselves up to hurt like this?

I was so careful not to touch him when I knew he wasn't there for it even as we were lying side by side on the same bed. It was only once that I said I wanted to touch him and he only consented to me cuddling him from behind - and that's exactly what I did, nothing more. So he did see how I approached this. He knew I wanted him badly and I was keeping a respectful distance even when we were in the same house. He knew how to do it, he just chose not to.

This was also shocking bc I realised how intricate my understanding of physical intimacy was. It was never straightforward and I knew that. But I never thought it would involve me having to fight against these linear, seemingly compulsory, and frankly childish impositions of what I need to tolerate. I don't have to tolerate shit and if somebody assumes that they do, I can't convince them otherwise. I found myself trying to explain the layers of my own sexuality which I'd got together over decades and I didn't enjoy it about a month into a situationship. Even him putting me in that position was off-putting.

He just wouldn't accept why his usual way of going about things wouldn't work on me.

This led to a painful realisation. I literally told him that if I'd been 5 years younger, I'd have taken this all in, performed the role of a good femme girlfriend, his efforts to convince me his intentions had been pure succeeding and me narrowing myself down more as we went along. It would've been a 2-year relationship AT LEAST and it'd end with him and me cursing each other for all the trauma we'd caused. I said, "I'm not in the business of depending on things changing, they never do."

It saddens me to think this is how ppl are taught to start relationships - based on wishful thinking. Mine is magickal thinking, there's a difference.

Then, he talked about how rude I was, saying he'd never do that to anyone. I said, "You mean telling sb when you don't want something?." He said, well pretty much. Apparently if he were me, he'd string me along without me knowing what he actually wanted. I'm not going to berate anyone for this, everyone has their own way, but this feels so fake and so pretentious and control freak-y to me. 1) Why would I subject myself to something I don't want to subject myself to? 2) Why could I not be courageous enough to tell ppl the truth without offending them or berating them? Why is it a no-go to say no to stuff?

It's funny bc I had told him that nothing true and real could hurt me. It apparently went over his head.

Once we had the convo, we went to the afterparty, tried to get in and couldn't, so we had a drink somewhere else. It was good as I felt things were back to normal. Like I can now have a conversation with him if I see him around.

BUT there were just 3 sentences (this is a lot isn't it?) that showed me there was no way back.

"You smoke too much, smoke less." He has no idea how much or how frequently I smoke. What is it to anybody if my way of living doesn't hurt them directly? Again and louder for the ones in the back - my life invites no intrusion.

"I don't like you when you're drunk." Then don't be around me when I'm drunk, it's easy. And if he's not comfortable with something, he can easily let me know. Holding on to it and saying it right after I "broke it up" surely isn't a good look.

"You'll get back together with your ex." Again do I have no agency? Do my words hold no truth? Why would I get myself into SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO BE IN? This is the biggest red flag as he literally believes he can find himself in situations he doesn't want to be in. Why?

This last point is also significant bc I have this suspicion that this will be the foregone conclusion the whole community around us will have. It'll be a point of conversation how I've been flirting w sb else and my ex flirting with multiple ppl and we still live together - "Oh, they'll get back together." I understand ppl talk and I don't mind it - I know we have an interesting and somewhat "impossible" story - but I'd like to have the power to not be around anyone who'll enjoy holding on to their presumptions about me than what I actually have to say. I'd rather remain a mystery for the narrow-minded.

I am so proud of myself for keeping an eye on myself through all this. My inner child is happy. She feels protected. I'm happier now that it's over than I'd be when it went ahead.

Now I'll have 2 weeks for myself to talk to my feelings, see where they are, and persuade them that yearning for him is the better way to go than having him. I think I'll manage.

Again - I love myself and my love for you more than I love you and it's amazing.

[beeseverywhen]

So I've been thinking about what tumblr is in this metaphor and I've decided: tumblr is like a pirate radio ship/commune on a boat. Some ppl saw what twitter was doing and they were like yeah we could do that and they grouped together and bought one of those really big ships. Like an ex cruise ship. And everyone was like 'this will never work they are doing what twitter is doing but in a batshit and frankly stupid way. They are more interested in painting the boat to make it look all funky rather than learning about how boats work and what they need to do to keep it afloat and how they are gonna get food and stuff. Everyone is like 'this is gonna end up badly and they'll all come to land with their tail between their legs, apart from those that are chronically sea dogs, who'll end up going to twitterland where things are actually being run properly, or else they'll consider Facebook' (which is actually a harbourside company town, but the houses are all on stilts.)

While twitter was ensuring they got important society running tm people and Facebook was ensuring the company store was filled to the brim with products from their sponsors and was like selling timeshares so that ppl could live part time in their little pods on stilts tumblr was like yeah sure everyone come on board. So you had like a section of the ship full of clowns and another full of tired adults who've quit their professional jobs and run away to find themselves and there's also a thriving lbgt section of the ship that's just like regular lbgt people who don't feel they fit in to the communities they lived in before. And there's a reasonable number of teenagers barely old enough to leave home, who've all run away from the confinement of the societal expectations or whatever

Every now and again there's rumours from the land press that some celebrity is in hiding on The tumblr (this is some kind of pun between like a drinking glass and a boat. I don't know) but all the tumblr residents are kinda shifty about it and no interviewer knows if it's all some big joke or if rockstar of the week really is hiding out on there, apparently along with a few actors, some authors and a few artists. They aren't lying they just don't seem to care. Celebrity? What celebrity? That's just Neil. He's on dish duty this week.

So for a good few years twitterland is thriving Facebook town is thriving. Tumblr is doing better than expected? They haven't sunk the boat yet. Lots of people from various walks of life like to come there to get away from things on a little retreat in to Weird tm culture. People on there are a bit elitist like 'yeah we aren't sheep, living on land under capitalism, we are here, living life as humans are supposed to. Creating art, having weird sex parties. It's all good'. The only thing these groups of ppl have in common is that they don't really vibe with regular culture on land. Its a counter culture thing. But they all live alongside each other pretty well. Mostly keeping to their own parts of the ship but getting on well when they bump in to each other. The guy that owns the largest share of the boat is like 'look. I'm going to sell a stake in the boat to my buddy so we can do some improvements' nobody agrees but it happens and nothing really changes. The old owner is still the captain. People are kinda annoyed cause they are like. 'This was a communal thing' but the guy is like, yeah but I decided to get things going, to find a boat, refit it, invite people to stay. I've been steering the boat all this time. This is for the good of everyone, the boat will be better for it

And then, a group of some of the younger residents, decide to put on an event, but they have no event planning skills and also, commit a deadly sin on board the boat: they bring money in to it. Usually money only changes hands when ppl leave the boat, but they decide to host a party on board the ship and get residents to pay for it. The party is very underwhelming. It's a great embarrassment and lots of people leave the boat for good. Its no longer seen as a good retreat for celebrities, a few stay, but they are more 'tumblr weirdos' than they are celebrities by this point. They've shed the garb of 'celeb' and fully acclimated. The hold outs are mostly ppl that were already kind of uncomfortable with being 'celebrities' they've always been more comfortable just being a weird guy just like everyone else left on the boat.

News places stop bothering with tumblr, they are more concerned with Facebook town and twitter which are considered successful, and are making money with advertising/ product placements in the 'life in a day' videos they churn out. The ppl left on the tumblr ship fully lean in to the weirdness. But without any celebrity following/positive news, on land ppl are very much unimpressed with tumblr. The guy who bought out the share goes bankrupt and the share of the boat gets transferred to a different business. After a while the original captain is like 'you know what. Its been a wild ride but I don't think boating is for me. I'm going to go live in a house. GL.

The business conglomerate that owns the share in the boat is like. Well. You need a captain. Can't just leave you to it. We've got a great guy for the job. Don't worry he loves this whole thing. He's a strict business guy and everyone is like 'he's going to sell the boat off for parts! They'll take our home!' But actually the new guy is very in to the idea of the tumblr boat, though he really doesn't get it. He keeps popping in for little holidays. He's like 'I think we could make this a holiday resort' and all the residents are like, this would be a terrible holiday resort. It was once a cruise ship, sure, but its something very different now. Why would we turn it in to a holiday destination when there are already 100s of non converted cruise ships doing a better job? And the guy is just like sipping a pina colada through a straw still dressed in a suit, like shrugging. 'It's only an idea'. He seems to be enjoying himself but he still seems a bit baffled by things, he's like 'so what's with the sex parties' and everyone is like, it's no big deal. Those of us not involved are used to it by now we don't care. They seem to be having a good time. Good for them.

Tumblr has been finding it hard to find places to moor up and resupply (it's still disorganised as hell so who knows how they're buying their communally owned food) for a while and it's not been helped by the fact that their 'all are welcome' policy has led to a few on the run criminals camping out on board, without them knowing which has given them bad press. The new captain is like 'I can solve this. Don't worry about it' and next thing they know, he's hosting a press conference saying that the boat is banning sex parties. And everyone is like?! How could you do that? Some of them are like 'sex parties are a part of life on board. We'd be nothing without them' and others are like 'personally I'm not bothered about the sex parties but I don't think they are the problem, we keep asking you to remove the wanted criminals we've warned you about, but you did nothing and now you want to boot out the rule abiding, perfectly civil sex party attendees? How could you make a decision like this without consulting us. Who will you be kicking out next? This is a slippery slope'. And the guy is like hold on a second let's not be too harsh. "Look guys. We need to reboot our image. These harbours are saying they don't want us to dock. They say we aren't family friendly. They say we've got nothing to contribute to their economy's. Banning the parties is the only way. Nobody's getting booted. You all have the opportunity to promise not to have sex on board again, and to dispose of all the posters advertising past parties and the photo collages and stuff and If you do that, you're free to stay.'

Nobody's impressed by that so loads of people leave. Either because they were attending parties and want to continue to, or just because they don't agree. By now parts of the boat are straight up abandoned. There's nobody new to move in to the rooms people left, so they are just like, standing dark and empty, still decorated, but abandoned. Time goes on, they don't have any trouble docking but it's getting harder and harder to pay for supplies, with so many less people and the company with the big share in the boat are not so willing to pay for things now they see there's little hope of them getting any of it back. (Things are just depressing now it's all empty. They'll never sell this as a resort) eventually they sell it off to another company.

The ppl still living there are very resistant to the new owners like 'they already took our sex parties and drove away our friends. How much worse can it get? What are you going to do?' And they don't trust any suggestions. But the new owners are like 'look. We kind of understand how things work on your boat. We don't personally have anything like this, but we do have experience managing a load of little communities living as property guardians in abandoned hotels/resorts. Its not the same! But we do have an idea of what you are trying to do here. You are artists. We get that.

And people start to warm up to them a bit when it's been a year or so and they aren't selling off bits but eventually the new guys are like 'look we can't keep paying for your food without any contribution. Our other communes give us a cut of their business proceeds, some of them pay rent. Everyone is very unimpressed by this, but over time they warm up to the idea somewhat (it's made clear that the boat needs major repairs if it's gonna keep floating) and unlike the last guy who was pretty content to drink pina coladas and imagine he was on a different boat, the people from this company do seem to be interested in hearing from the residents. They are making small repairs. They are hosting residents meetings.

They set up a gift shop, stocking things that the residents might find amusing. They set up a few paid for initiatives that get completely shot down. They convert some of the abandoned rooms in to double sized rooms and are like 'you can pay to upgrade and live in a bigger cabin'. You can pay for a new door in an interesting color or new carpeting. They set up a stage and a gallery. People can pay to display their art/ do a comedy routine or play music. Some people pay for stage time to bring issues to light. People are still very hesitant. There's a spectrum of ppl joining in with the efforts they approve of (gift shop. Personalised doors) but ignoring those they don't agree with, and then some ppl strictly refusing to support any of it, and setting up sit ins/graffiting posters advertising the paid for ventures.

And then, some ex twitter residents start dribbling in. Some are like 'I'm only here for a short holiday while they work on putting out the fire' some are like 'I'll be hedging my bets and splitting my time' others are like 'wow this is like vintage tumblr. I can't believe you've remodelled this ship to look just like the one from a decade ago'. Twitter does not work to put out the fire. Long lasting residents are a bit like ??? Do they not know we've been here all along. More and more people move in, trying to bring some of the quirks of their twitter world community to the boat. The gift shop keeps going. Advertisers pay to put up posters. The gallery seems to regularly have art so clearly someone's paying. Nobody is really sure what the future looks like.

I can not tell if some of these bots are bots. By combining random words they are perfectly emulating tumblr users. The only thing that I'm clinging on to is how averse the average tumblr is to having their face next to their posts. But some of these bots are starting to use pictures of ppl out doing things/ messing around and I'm like... this could be a person. Is this them or is it a meme. Their face isn't in it. It's not centred on their body. This could be a person. Especially as twitter continues to slowly sink like a very slowly burning very very large construction in the sea.

It's like one of those big abandoned rigs/sea stations where years after its been left some ppl come across it and move in like 'we can repurpose this' and next thing you know they are living there like 'we are a country now' and things seem to be thriving and they appear to have a functioning society and its like 'have these ppl escaped capitalism' and then one day there's some kind of disaster and loads of ppl abandon it and come back to regular society and they are all like telling stories about how it was.

And then as time goes on every now and again another person gives up and abandons ship, and comes back to land living society with a even crazier story about what's been going down since the last person left. And time goes on and eventually it's like largely abandoned. The ppl still living there are either very loyal or remain thanks to sunk cost. And its pretty well understood that by this point the guy in charge is a dictator and its all a bit culty and there's no real reason to stay. Its just living amongst like empty rusting offices (cause there aren't enough ppl left to keep it running like a society/improving so it's just like an abandoned weather station in the middle of the sea again and the weather's always shit cause its the middle of the sea. The dream is dead, they are just only realising one at a time.

And then one day someone's boat goes past and the place is on fire and everyone's like hey are you guys OK? And tries to evacuate them. But they are all like 'our leader says its fine. Its cool we don't need rescuing. Like you could rescue us. Life on land is shit. Enjoy capitalism losers!' And everyone's a bit like uncomfortable about leaving them there, but it's like. What can you do. They are just like 'the fire keeps to its side of the station we keep to ours, its np.'

But everyone decides to keep an eye on things all the same. Reporting on things out of morbid curiosity and a little bit like 'you can still get out. We're here.' And then one day the place (still on fire) starts to sink in to the sea and you really think they'll jump ship now. What's left? But they are still clinging on to this dream of what it could have been. And the place is like burning but also littered with advertisements cause the cult leader is letting just about anyone sponsor them, and it is a burning wreck sinking in to the sea, but also its on the news 24/7 so there are always ppl willing to stick their logo on it

Anyway, I've got completely carried away with my metaphor here. But twitters like that. And as ppl slowly abandon ship and are like 'I guess we'll return to the shitty lives we thought we'd escaped' they bring a bit of 'comune that's also a country on a rig in the middle of the sea' culture with them. And so there are now more ppl on tumblr doing twitter things like having attractively posed pictures as their icon

[deathvsthemaiden]

Do you have any advice for ppl who’ve been in a reading slump since... 5 ever ? i love reading somehow it’s just harder to get into it these days :(

Omg for sure!! Here is a scrambled little list, I hope at least some of it helps:

📖 read in any format (ebook, physical book, audiobook) bc they’re all valid and make reading more accessible for people which is I think part of why ppl get hoity toity abt it. Ignore them. Also, I assume that if you wanna read, at least a large chunk of why is because you wanna have fun and consume stories yes? 😳 you can do that w/ any form of book, and any other reasons you might have to want to read, like expanding vocab or broadening ur horizons or learning to analyze books should be secondary. Focus on making it a fun and near-effortless/painless thing again and then u can graduate to those (I think that’ll come naturally tbh as long as you read semi-consistently) Fun comes First and I say that as a terrible English major 😗

📖 And with that in mind, read whatever you want, even if it’s simple or cringe or a reread or whatever because after completing the first few impulsive reads that you find engaging enough to finish completely, you can worry about reading what you think you “should” or what would benefit you specifically if that makes sense. Like I’m completely pro reading new things and not limiting urself to 1 genre but there’s no harm in taking your time moving onto things that don’t immediately pique ur interest. Get into the groove of things first, the criticism of ppl who are well past the target age market for YA but still exclusively consume it doesn’t apply to people who are trying to rediscover their love of reading imo.

📖 keep books nearby all the time! (All!!! The time!!!!) You might not actually read them 45/50 times that you bring them with you to places/keep them near you wherever u spend time at your house, but those 5 times will be bliss and you’ll thank yourself! Do it! Especially if ur open to ebooks and can read them on ur phone!

📖 put your phone somewhere far away on mute and force yourself to read for a specific chunk of pages or time. Very old person-ish advice but like. They’re onto smth when they tell us to do stuff like that, but they’re also way too smug and holier-than-thou about it so no need to tell any of them that! 🤫 but seriously be honest w/ urself if u have a compulsive notification checking problem and challenge yourself to overcome it long enough to meet a very small teensy tiny goal 🥅

📖 I juggle a lot of books at once and I’m constantly planning ahead in my brain when I do it, without consciously meaning to (library deadlines for digitized books are so strict 💔) And often I don’t end up following these plans perfectly, because following them perfectly isn’t the point, especially since life happens all the time and isn’t often very receptive when we wish we could forget everything and read for several straight hours. Reading shouldn’t be a burden, but the vague guidelines help. I think stuff like “tomorrow I’ll finish this poetry collection before bed” or “I’m gonna study and then read 2 chapters of this novel I’m rlly digging as a treat before continuing,” “I’m gonna listen to 4 chapters of this audiobook while I take a walk or do chores” etc etc. and usually I end up reading at least a little! And the best thing is when I read more than intended because the book is just that fun. I don’t write these plans down, but if it helps you to do so I urge you to anon :0 !! Just remember ur writing them on paper/a screen and not in stone, so you can always be flexible and change things around and you’re not by any means a failure for doing so. To be flexible w/ urself is most likely to ensure long term progress imo!

📖 speaking of juggling it’s absolutely fine to cycle through a ton of books and sometimes abandon them for months and come back when the whim strikes! If your memory is good enough and you prefer having a bunch of variety at all times, jump from book to book with reckless abandon! It legit doesn’t matter. Also don’t ever hesitate to drop a book if you’re not vibing it’s not worth it. Time is precious life is precious you’re doing this for fun, yes? Drop the book if you can’t bring yourself to care theres sooooo many more where it came from! Be merciless and picky!! It will pay off I promise, and to be that way is not antithetical to challenging yourself or stepping outside of your comfort zone unless you make it that way.

📖 buddy read/have an impromptu book club w/ someone. It doesn’t have to be official, and I’ve done this multiple times with people and sometimes we just don’t finish the book/meet our set goals and that’s a-okay! It’s still worth it to have someone to talk abt the book w/ and you guys can always pick up where you left off or try another book. Literally no stakes at all as long as everyone involved is chill and understanding <3

📖 set a reading goal you think you can manage by the end of the year! You might surprise yourself 😳 and if you don’t oh well! You’ll still have read at least a page in pursuit of said goal 🔎

📖 read short stories! The internet is full of them, and short story collections by multiple and singular authors are everywhere 📚

📖 do some searching and make a list of books that you’re extremely excited to read or really wanna revisit. And then pick your next reads from there! If you want recs for books or short stories you can always shoot me another ask or look at my goodreads (or goodreads in general)

[purplesunrisefanfic]

This is not the type of post I normally write and I won’t make a habit of it.

I had no idea how to write this post. This post is inherently problematic and I acknowledge that, but I ask that you do take the time to read it because I honestly believe that this is one of those times where it’s better to be problematic than silent. I am autistic and that’s where I’m coming from here. I can’t speak for Black autistic people but I have tried my best to ensure that I am speaking up for Black autistic people to the best of my ability.

I’m sorry there isn’t a read more, the mobile app and site on Tumblr does not do that.

I’m very worried by some of the generalisations I’ve seen being reblogged all over the place about what people should and should not in terms of grieving Chadwick Boseman and how they may be impacting some disabled Black people.

For example, I have seen posts that are very hardline about how it’s “wrong” to think/feel/say “T’Challa has died” as opposed to saying “Chadwick Boseman has died” and I have also seen posts that categorically denounce anyone who might want to react by writing fanfiction about T’Challa dying. There are other examples but I will use those two so that there are not too many.

I suspect that many of these comments were aimed at sketchy white people but they didn’t say so and that worries me. It worries that there is problem where allistic (non-autistic) and otherwise neurotypical people are failing to recognise that assuming everyone will know what you mean and/or that Black people will know it isn’t aimed at them is an ableist concept. One of the key problems people with autism face is that allistic people are often as bad as knowing what autistic people will or won’t assume or find obvious as we are when the shoe is on the other foot.

I’m not saying that some Black autistic and otherwise neurodiverse Black ppl won’t find it obvious that certain posts are implied to be addressed towards white people, because some will. But not everyone will. When it comes to autism, if you don’t say exactly and precisely what you mean then you cannot guarantee that the exact and precise thing you mean will be understood.

There are children on this platform. Are you sure you wanna say mass generalisations about how it’s wrong to do this, worry about that, think this way, express yourself that way and so forth on a platform where grieving Black children might see it? Where Black autistic children and adults might feel shamed or inferior (once again) because there’s a ton of notes on a post telling them that the way they think or feel or express themselves while grieving is wrong?

Don’t make any of these generalisations, please. Go back and rethink your posts, edit them, say what you mean. I’m not trying to be a white person inserting myself into this issue because I’m butthurt about posts calling out the shitty behaviour of white people. No, actually, it’s kinda the opposite, I’m butthurt because some of you forget to say “white people” when you needed to say “white people” I’m butthurt bc I know a lot of people think it’s okay to assume that everyone in a marginalised group always “gets it.” That idea hurts autistic people who are in another marginalised group. That idea is ableist. A person’s Blackness is not contingent on their ability to read neurotypical social rules. Do not assume that every single Black person knows instinctively that your post is aimed at white people being dicks who only care about Marvel, useless you actually say something like “Dear white people being dicks who only care about Marvel.” Yes, most people tend to “get it.” But unless you say “white people” you are the taking the risk that an autistic Black person won’t get that subtext. Please don’t take that risk when you the consequence could be that you effectively tell a Black autistic/neurodiverse people that they are grieving wrong.

I cannot think of many people out there that will be worse off for today’s news than Black autistic people for whom Chadwick, Black Panther, Marvel or superheroes in general is a special interest. I cannot put into words how much is at stake for the adults and children to whom that description applies. Some of these people may not be able to separate their mental concept of Chadwick Boseman and their mental concept of T’Challa in the way the average person does. They are not wrong, they are not lesser. They have nothing to be ashamed of. The last thing they deserve to see today is ill-thought grief-shaming generalisations that tell them aren’t respecting their hero properly.

Please check your posts, amend your posts, clarify and specify everything. If you wanna call out white people doing a thing say “white people,” if you wanna call out doing a thing in the context of having a shitty motive, call that out specifically. Explicitly say that doing X for Y reason is wrong because Y is a shitty motive. Explicitly say that the problem is Y motive. Or if it’s that the thing is okay to do privately, but some people are doing it inconsiderately and that’s hurting you, say “It’s inconsiderate to do X in this way. If you are doing X, please [specify how they can do it in a way that doesn’t harm others].” If you’re not sure how to communicate in a manner that is autism friendly, you can ask me and I’ll try to help.

Somewhere along the way I forgot to keep saying “autistic/neurodiverse,” every time and just said autistic sometimes. I’m sorry for that. So for the avoidance of doubt, this applies to anyone, diagnosed or undiagnosed/not yet diagnosed with any element of the differences I’ve talked about it, not just autism.

And to anyone of the people out there that I’m trying to talk about: How you think, how you feel, and how you process things is valid. If all you can think about today, tomorrow and maybe for a while is your fears about the future for T’Challa, that’s fine. More than fine, it’s a reflection of a way of thinking and perceiving that the world would be WORSE OFF without. If you write fanfiction about T’Challa to process your emotions then that’s okay too. Those are just two examples, the same goes pretty much across the board, however you express yourself. And actually most creative people tend to be glad to inspire other people to be creative, so if I had to bet on it, I’d bet that Chadwick Boseman would more likely than not be glad to see you writing.

If someone wants to take this rough point and write it better, please, please do. Ngl, I’m struggling with this, this is my best attempt at making these points but I’m not convinced it’s as good it ought to be. Please @ me if you do, bc I’d be glad to know.

And I’m fresh out of everything right now but here are some notes that I should add:

No one is exempt from considering autistic people, but that said I highly suspect it’s probably white people who are perpetuating a lot of this stuff, maybe even authoring it.

Every Black autistic person is inherently/fundamentally valuable regardless of their “contribution” to society, but also Black autistic people as a whole are valuable to society. The world would be shittier with Black Autistic people.

I’m a white autistic person trying to draw inferences and look out for other autistic people as best I can but I cannot and do not speak for Black autistic people. Raise their voices if you can.

[gunnerpalace]

Hi! Same anon as the previous one. Tbh, I agree wholeheartedly with you. Y'see I do ask rhetorically,too but i could really accept and understand how and why ppl can be oblivious to IchiRuki, and somehow felt that the 'canon' should suffice, even the most excruciating of all is the fact a number found the ending even acceptable (ships aside, too). Again, I could respect that. But it's my greatest bane when ppl ask 'why' and not be clear they are asking rhetorically because I literally will

provide you an actual answer. And I get it, it’s the reason why ppl find shipping wars toxic and silly. But then again, as human, conflicts are always part of us (partly because as social psych explains so, we are gravitated to the negative for that allows us to change and survive), and the reason why “logical fallacies” are coined in the first place. Human will always debate, and argue about something; the only thing we could change is how we approach the opposing views.

Again, I dont condone any way, shape or form of abuse and harm. In some certain extent, I could perhaps understand it’s much harder for some IH to approach the actual argument being there’s either too much noise, and trapped in their own island between sea of salt. Thus becoming too acquianted w/ few IH who shared the same thought until it became their views as the only truth (see, that’s why its important to have debates! it is what keep us grounded and fair! Just like you said)

Who am I to speak though? I never ever challenged anyone anyways. And as you said, you just have to understand things in every way you could possibly think of–endless ‘whys’. Which is where I agree in your reply the most–this silly fandom wars is just the black mirror to every truth that lies beneath human psyche–the dark and the grimy. Heck, being a psych major is like staring at dark hole–at times, good, but most just plain confusing, revolting even or just heartbreaking.

Sorry it’s been long, but for the final of this ask: let me tell how glad I was with IchiRuki fandom I found in tumblr. It was the saltiest I’ve ever been (im not generally a fandom person anyways) but it’s the himalayan salt–expensive and actually nutritive it really deepened my desire to become wiser in general. And you for your wonderful essays, critiques and whatnot. I definitively would love to talk with you more not only about IchiRuki but the wonders and nightmare that us humans! Kudos!

I have sitting in my drafts a post spelling out my thoughts on “canon” (and thus, the people who cling to it) in that as a concept it privileges:

officiality over quality when it comes to validity (thus violating Sturgeon’s law)

corporations (intellectual property rights holders) over fans, and thus capitalists over proletarians

hierarchical dominance over mutualist networking within fandom

curative fandom over transformative fandom

genre over literary content

plot over characters

events over emotions

It is notable that (1) generally degrades art as a whole, (2) generally advances the capitalist agenda, and (3–7) generally advances the dominance of men over women (as the genders tend to be instructed by society to view these as A. dichotomies rather than spectrums, and B. to ascribe gender to them and make them polarities). These form the sides of a mutually reinforcing power structure (in the typical “Iron Triangle” fashion) designed to preserve and maintain the status quo.

Who really benefits from say, the policing of what is or is not “canon” in Star Wars? Disney, first and foremost. And then whomever (almost certainly male) decides to dedicate their time to memorizing the minutiae of whatever that corporation has decided is “legitimate.”

One can imagine a universe in which fan fic is recognized by companies for what it is: free advertising. (Much like fan art already is.) Instead, it is specifically targeted by demonetization efforts in a way that fan art isn’t. Why? Because it demonstrates that corporate control and “official” sanction has no bearing on quality, and it is thus viewed as undermining the official products.

In the same way, by demonstrating that most “canonical” works are frankly shit, it undermines the investiture of fans in focusing on details that are ultimately errata (the events, the plot, the genre), which is the core function of curative fandom and the reason for its hierarchical structure. The people who “know the most” are at the top, but what they “know” is basically useless garbage. And those people so-engaged are, of course, usually male.

To “destroy” the basis of their credibility, and indeed the very purpose of their community, is naturally viewed by them as an attack.

(This is not to say that efforts to tear down internal consistency within established cultural properties are good unto themselves, or even desirable. For example, efforts to redefine properties such as Star Wars, Star Trek, Doctor Who, and Ghostbusters, for the sake of a identity-politics agenda have largely A. failed as art, B. failed as entertainment, C. failed to attract the supposedly intended audience, and D. failed to advance the agenda in question. Trying to repurpose extant media in the name of culture wars is essentially always doomed to failure unless it is done deftly and gradually.)

(At the same time, this also shows what I was talking about last time, with regard to people seeing whatever they want to see. You will see people complain that Star Trek and Doctor Who didn’t “used to be so political,” which is obviously nonsense. These shows were always political. What changed was how their politics were presented. For example, Star Trek has, since TNG, always shown a nominally socialist or outright communist future, but was beloved by plenty of conservatives because they could [somehow] ignore that aspect of it.)

Of course, almost no one is seriously suggesting that one side of the spectrums outlined above be destroyed, rather merely that a new balance be struck upon the spectrum. But, as we have seen time and again in society, any threat to the status quo, whether that be 20% of Hugo Awards going to non-white male authors or the top income tax rate in America being increased by a measly 5.3% (from 28.7% to 34%… when the all-time high was 94% and for over 50 years it was above 50%) is a threat. This is why, for example, Republicans are out there branding AOC as a “socialist” when her policies are really no different at all from a 1960 Democrat who believed in FDR’s New Deal. (Which they, of course, have also demonized as “socialism.”)

(As an aside, all this ignores the fact that most of the “literary canon” of Western civilization, or at least English literature… is Biblical or historical fan fic.)

And this is when I finally get to my point.

Those people out there who denigrate and mock shippers and shipping, the people who hurl “it reads like fan fiction” as an insult, and so on, are the people who benefit from and enjoy the extant power structure. You will see the same thing with self-identified “gamers” complaining about “fake girl gamers.” Admitting that the hobby has a lot of women in it, and a lot of “casuals,” and is indeed increasingly dominated by “non-traditional demographics” is an affront to the constructed identity of being a “gamer.” They are “losing control.” And they don’t like it.

This exact same sort of population is what the “fanbase” of Bleach has been largely reduced down to through a slow boiling off of any actual quality. Of course they’re dismissive of people who are looking for anything of substance: their identity, their “personal relationship” with the franchise, is founded on a superficial appreciation of it: things happening, flashy attacks, eye-catching character designs, fights, etc.

(What this really boils down to, at heart, is that society at large has generally told men that emotions are bad, romance and relationships of all kinds are gross, and that thinking and reflecting on things is stupid. So of course they not only don’t care about such things, but actively sneer at them as “girly” or “feminine,” which is again defined by society at large as strictly inferior. And this gender divide and misogyny is of course promulgated and reinforced by the powers that be, the capitalists, to facilitate class divisions just like say racism generally is.)

(The latest trick of these corporate overlords has been the weaponization of “woke” culture to continue to play the people off one another all the time. “If you don’t like this [poorly written, dimensionless Mary Sue] Strong Female Character, then you are a racist misogynist!” They are always only ever playing both sides for profit, not advancing an actual ideological position. It is worth noting that there was a push by IH some years ago to define IR as “anti-feminist” for critiquing Orihime for essentially the exact same reasons [admittedly, not for profit, but still as critical cover].)

Which makes it very curious, therefore, that the most ardent IH supporters tend to be women. (Though there are more than a few men, they seem to tend to support it because it is “canon” and to attack it is to attack “canon” and thus trigger all of the above, rather than out of any real investment.) I think there are a number of reasons for this (which I have detailed before) and at any rate it is not particularly surprising; 53% of white women voted for Trump, after all.

What we are really seeing in fandom, are again the exact same dynamics that we see at larger and larger scales, for the exact same reasons. The stakes are smaller, but the perception of the power struggle is exactly the same.

Of course, the people who are involved in these things rarely think to interrogate themselves as to the true dimensions and root causes of their motivations. People rarely do that in general.

Putting all that aside, I’m glad that you have found a place you enjoy and feel comfortable, and thank you for the kind words, although I am not of the opinion that there is anything poignant about the non-fiction I write. It is, as I keep trying to emphasize, all there to be seen. One just has to open their eyes. So, it’s hard for me to accept appreciation of it.

Anyway, don’t feel shy about coming off of anon rather than continuing to send asks. We don’t really bite.

[roguestarsailor]

thoughts on a court of mist and fury *spoilers*

***** lots of spoilers folks *****

- MY GIRL FEYRE IS READING!! SHES READING LIKE REGULARLY AND CASUALLY IM SO PROUD

- RHYSAND MY LOVE I TAKE BACK ALL THE BAD THINGS I SAID IN BOOK ONE AND YOU ARE A BABY THAT NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND PROTECTED AND DESERVE PEACE AND QUIET AND MORE LOVE

- tamlin needs therapy like pronto; we dont stan a unsupportive partner and partner who is unwilling to share pain!! CANCEL TAMLIN 2020

- rhys popping up during the wedding scene was *chef’s kiss* and i noticed that he didn’t “claim” her as he said he would for like three months after everything. i suspect he was being a good person and literally letting her live her life. also for loving someone, tamlin was super chill and just kind of let her go??? idk i thought there would be more of a fight??? when feyre was literally like why are your claws retracting man?? fight for me??? hello??? but then again rhys is definitely more powerful than tamlin and probs some unspoken laws and such between high lords i guess ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ anyways tamlin aint shit

- page 296-298! fucken shook me to my core. that self awareness, that confrontation, she identified the core of everything and it was such a turning point and im just so proud of her!!! She's recognizing her traumas and is healing!!!!!!!!!!

- yeah i immediately ship cassian and nesta; i hope she fucks shit up in the next book  😀 😀 😀 😀  

- maybe az and mor are truly the slowest of slow burns   ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

- i pictured pollution from good omens as how Amren is suppose to look like

- rhys is such a strong leader and im just -- baby deserves all the love. He's really good at plotting. He really made feyre learn all these things so they can nurture their love but also be a strategic advantage its interesting that even tho theres love there he still treats her like a weapon

- the joy in his rhys eyes when they winnowed into his regular ass town house that feels super lived in. and his friends banging on the door like he isn’t the feared night court high lord that he is. that was so refreshing to see that hes a regular person and not that high lord man who lives in a near empty mansion. he puts on a mask for everyone but he himself is just a regular fae.  

- reading about the peace that velaris was able to live through was beautiful. i imagined a city like san francisco with the hills and views of the ocean but kind of like the peace found in super small towns or cities in asia; maybe even some european cities (which is prob where this location is inspired by but i haven’t visited many euro cities). the scenes of ppl dining out, making art and music and just chilling is so lovely esp given our current pandemic. art is so treasured there and im like thats the epitome of a great society isn’t it? being able to do things because you just can without the pain of financial insecurity, civil unrest, etc. i definitely would love and die and for a society like that. its just so wonderful. i was filled w happiness while reading those scenes. :)

- rhys and his inner circle taking feyre out into the town and just being casual. nobody treats them like theyre royalty or anything special. theyre just a regular group of friends who enjoy hanging out. its super nice and nostalgia inducing esp during this pandemic when friends are so far away and not like it used to be.

- when rhys immediately saw how under weight and dead freye looked when she was in spring court -- AND IT WAS THE FIRST THING HE SAID TO HER WHEN HE SAW HER THROUGH THE DOOR WHILE TAMLIN DIDNT FUCKEN NOTICE

- i also take back my frustrations in book 1 when freye always wondering around the grounds in spring court esp during calanmai. i thought it was because the author needed to move the story forward but its just freye. she doesnt sit still and now that shes w rhys, we are seeing soooooo many things about prythian and thats beautiful. tamlin was truly a hinderance huh

- rhys sent her music when she was in the cell in Under The Mountain which was found in velaris. maybe he wasnt risking a lot but he just showed her a glimpse of the forbidden world right under aramantha’s nose holy shit he saved her from destruction!

- when rhys had his nightmare and feyre came to comfort him and kissed him on the cheeks and gave him such tenderness made my heart sing~

- rhys is literally opposite of tamlin is soooo many ways. RHYS DID THINGS OUT OF LOVE, WHILE TAMLIN DID THINGS FOR LOVE. everything from how rhys made sure feyre can grow into who she is meant to be, to how he introduces her to his friends and how he interacts w everyone in his court, how he handles pain, everything is so different than tamlin. tamlin feels pain and just bulldoze over things, doesn’t think about how his actions are hurting others even as he is hurting. he doesn’t talk, he doesn’t share, he doesn’t try to get himself or feyre out of this misery and just sees threats everywhere and hits them. he was also supper passive honestly. no doubt hes riddled w guilt and grief but can’t figure out how to handle it so he uses feyre as his crutch where if he can “save” her he will be free smh

- rhys PAYS feyre!! HE GAVE HER FINANCIAL INDEPENDENCE AND RESPECT FOR HER WORK!! THE INDEPENDENCE THAT TAMLIN DIDNT FUCKEN GIVE.

- THOSE NOTES THEY SEND TO EACH OTHER SINCE FREYE CAN READ AND WRITE NOW

- Ianthe was sus from the beginning!! i knew it!! although i did bet she was gonna sleep w tamlin on the side. But she's a lot worst so we don't like her either

- the throne room scene was steamy af this time its fine because there was ~consent~ and also because we see the dynamic and growth between the two and how they work together. this was great although I was kind of like pls get a room tho

- RHYS SMILING!!! FEYRE AND RHYS LAUGHING TOGETHER UGH I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

- THEY ARE MATES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FEYRE AND RHYS FOUND EACH OTHER AND HAD SO MANY SHARED TRAUMAS AND WORKED IT OUT TOGETHER AND GREW TOGETHER AND LEARNED ABOUT EACH OTHERS QUIRKS AND ITS JUST LOVE IN ITS PUREST FORM UGH THAT SCENE WHERE RHYS WAS CRYING AND FEYRE HEATED UP FOOD FOR THE BABY AHH MY HEARTTTTT  MY WHOLE ENTIRE HEARTTTTTT IS BURSTING WITH LOVEEEEEE

- LUCIEN AND ELAINE HOLY FUCK WHAT A LEFT FIELDER i hope this is the push that will propel lucien to defy tamlin. going back to the contrast between how tamlin vs his court and rhys vs his court, rhys has a group of unwavering loyal friends and are treated equally esp letting them joke around so much and it feels like a casual group of friends hanging out. tamlin has just as much loyalty from lucien but theres still a power structure that tamlin maintains. luciens words doesn’t have much weight whereas rhys’s friends do. both tamlin and rhys have so much power and sway and similarity in traumas and tragedy but both execute things completely differently. tamlin only wants to upload what he is familiar with, maybe what he thinks his father wants whereas rhys actively tries to think of something better, to change the system regardless of how hard it is.

- tamlin you dumbass. He didn't learn from amarantha. He again let his pride fuck over a bunch of other ppl. He shat on amarantha and fucked over his court. Now he fucked the rest of prythian and human world by bargaining w the king. Smh goodbye tamlin

- I straight up knew the queens were bad!!! I knew they had to be plotting something. The sixth is "ill" my ass.

- LADY OF THE NIGHT COURT LETS GO FEYRE AND WOOWW WE STAN A MAN BREAKING TRADITIONS AND SUPPORTING EQUALITY

- when hybern was destroying velaris. I WAS GONNA THROW HANDS BRO. I'm glad we saw the extend of how powerful feyre could be and how she was clever and we can really see how she's completely different from before. She has bite and fight in her and it's so refreshing!

- how about we let az and cassian live in peace. Those boys had to deal w the blunt of literally everything. from being the only shield in valeris to poison/hurt wings against the king, just beat up all the time 🥺

- suriel is their version of a wikipedia

--

I read all 600 damn pages in like 2.5 days and I was loving it the entire time! My heart sored when feyre and Rhys were getting close and starting to break down their walls and really connect. This was a truly good enemies to lovers, slow burn tale and the drama is so great. There were good stakes that changes a character and their behavior and a good balance of action and excitement but at the same time so many little moments that let u see the character and how they interact w each other and the world. a lot of big plot moments, slice of life moments, a bit of romance and comedy. overall, an amazing book but super long. thus far this is my favorite book and im hoping the rest of the books can be just as charming and lovely but not too heart breaking. i hope rhys and feyre makes it. i cannot predict what to expect in the other books in the series (isn’t there gonna be 8 books total???) 

[jageunyeoujari]

i had a good convo w @gam-zeh-yaavor abt fma so i’m gonna repost (edited a bit) so there’s more clarification on my blog proper abt how i view fma’s stance on war & reparations

me: to start off, i want to remind again that fma is written by a japanese person who's also part ainu. the context there is crucial. jpn war criminals & emperor hirohito got off scott-free. jpn's continued refusal to acknowledge what they did to korea & those policy makers NOT addressing reparations is an enormous point of contention & source of intergenerational trauma. 

arakawa is coming from that perspective & she also has a personal stake in this considering she's descended from indigenous peoples who the yamato japanese colonized. & fma does hold roy & the others accountable BY making them use their power to enact meaningful, widespread change. giving up their power is maybe a symbolic gesture but it's not a concrete act to make amends

& the thing is that individual jpn ppl HAVE made monetary reparations to kr survivors of wwii/colonization. & that's all fine & good but it hasn't solved the core issue, the real point of contention, the real source of intergenerational trauma which is the utter lack of real accountability from the ppl who enacted those horrors

& roy & the others are feared. my first post abt this has screencaps from the manga that says that the amestrian uniform is the only thing protecting them, that in times of peace, roy & the others are nothing but mass murderers

bradley & the homunculi are all killed. bradley was killed by scar, an ishvalan survivor. kimblee was killed. fma is clear in this that if ppl refuse to be held accountable, they do deserve to be punished which includes death

gzy: ahhhh. so, in this context, accountability is more a matter of honesty, integrity and goodwill than it is a matter of reparative measures? the thing for me I think is that if I were living in this world as a citizen of ishval - or indeed as a survivor of yamato japan colonisation - I think I would feel very fearful and reticent about the notion of the same war criminals retaining their power and authority

it's definitely better to see people acknowledge their failures and mistakes than not, and it's obviously important that the experience of the victims is acknowledged and respected by a society trying to heal

but like, remembering how albert speer gets to be a part of the UN, I get a pretty bad taste in my mouth thinking about how people who used their influence to do evil hurtful things are in a position to do it again if it's ever convenient for them

actually I have to retract that because it totally wasn't speer. but I recall some other nsdap officials receiving power in the following establishment and that feels busted somehow

it's like... the idea that you can just say sorry and then you get to keep running things feels wrong. the intention to enact reparative measures... is always good. we of course have a lot of "insider info" about the motivations of Roy and the others... but nobody else does. how can a world still so scarred trust the people that inflicted those scars ever again?

me: oh i totally get you! i think that fma differs from those ppl tho bc roy & the other soldiers enact a coup. they dedicated their lives to toppling a corrupt, genocidal government which i would say is the only thing that could be done w a government like that. & the manga also addresses this: roy & the others know perfectly well that ppl will not automatically trust them to run things. they will be put on trial. they're willing to face consequences for their past actions but still work to better conditions

miles & scar are also going to actively work in the new government too so it's not like roy & the others are going to be solely deciding what to do

i mean i hate general macarthur, may he burn in hell eternally, but if he worked to topple the us government? that'll be a hell of a lot more meaningful to me than washing his hands of the whole ordeal

even if he did do that, he'd still need to be put on trial & all that but i'd rather someone like him use the power he has than... not

gzy: that's a fair point. I suppose by virtue of opposing the existing establishment, they do make a powerful statement that they have disavowed the things they did and believed before

doing something, yknow. they didn't feel bad about it and sit on their hands and just not do war crimes. they were proactively resisting the institution which enacted a culture that normalised their obedience to evil commands

which is a hell of a lot better than anything actual war criminals seem to ever be doing. I suppose the notion of fma as a kind of wish fulfilment - a sort of "man, we live in a fucked up world, but people can choose to be better and do better" - is a meaningful, hopeful idea

and those are rare and valuable.

in the same way, ed's growth from a boy who just wanted things exactly like they were before into a man who knew that the stone was a comforting lie and the only way forward was to find a way to create better things in the present is the same story

me: exactly! i think that ppl call fma 'liberal' bc yes it is a kind of wish fulfillment but arakawa is a humanist & fma is rly all abt the strength of individual humans coming together & we can actively choose to make the world a better place. humans are not mere ants like father & the homunculi think we are. our mortality & ability to choose to do better & capacity for genuine love & connection is what makes humans powerful.

[noona-la-la-la]

I read your long reply to an ask abt resilience and how a study that you've came across claimed that young ppl nowadays suffered from depression/anxiety becos of their lack/reduced sense of resilience. I think the claim is somewhat unfair becos the challenges/obstacles young ppl face these days are way higher and greater than say their parents' time. Also upbringing changed drastically. So it may or may not have any relations there. But yes resilience is always good no doubt.

Sorry for the delay responding to you.  I was trying to find the specific reply that you are referencing here and I couldn’t find it. (I really need to get better at tagging things so I can find stuff easier!)  I remember the news report that I referenced, because the things they said made a deep impression on me.  I also think I know what I wrote in that response, but I wanted to to find it just to make sure that I wasn’t sloppy or vague with what I wrote -- I usually try to be very cautious with what I write so I won’t be misunderstood, but it’s possible that I could have expressed myself more clearly.

I do think it’s unfair to flatly say that young people today face much higher obstacles or greater challenges their people of previous generations.  I know that my grandmothers have told me stories about their upbringing that make me wonder if I would have been able to withstand the poverty, abuse, and discrimination that was just considered a normal part of life for some people.  I would never say I had it harder. 

So... this response gets long and wonky and probably will just annoy some people.  So I’m putting it under a cut.

The news report was about the dramatic increase in the number of American college/university students seeking counseling services on campus and the fact that universities are having difficulty trying to accommodate the increase in demand.  The report was more focused on what universities are doing to try to meet the demand, changing delivery models and the economic impact to a school and it’s student body.  But towards the end of this report, they spoke to a man who was a mental health professional on one of these campuses and also the head of a professional organization for university counseling/mental health providers.  He said a couple things that stuck with me, one of which is that currently the most common issue students seek help with is Anxiety.  In the past it was Depression.  When the reporter asked why does he think this shift is happening, he said in the last few years, students seem to not have developed as much resilience before going away to school and that leads to the anxiety when faced with the challenges of higher education or living away from home for the first time. He claimed that this was a change that they have seen within the past 10 years.

It was one news report.  Really, it was one guy in a news report that covered a much wider topic.  I can’t say with any authority that lack of resilience is the issue -- but it’s worth considering and it does make me think a lot about resilience and it’s value.  The thing is, becoming resilient relies on facing hardship and overcoming it.  The implication made by the guy who was interviewed is that today’s students (this is in the US btw) haven’t faced and overcome the same types or as many hardships as those in previous generations.  That would mean the challenges and obstacles young people face today (before getting to college) are actually lower than those of their parents.

Interestingly, just last week, I read an article about a study that said today’s teenagers (in the US) are less likely to drink, have sex, drive, or work than teenagers in previous generations (going back to the 1970′s).  Some of these are considered good things... like waiting to have sex or start drinking.  Others are more neutral... why the drop in driving or having part time jobs?  The study’s authors postulated that what we are seeing is a delay in young people trying to engage in what are considered “adult” behaviors.  Why?  I don’t know. 

 What does it mean to take this new study (actually a compilation of multiple studies over a 40 year period) and then put that in the context of the guy who said “today’s students are showing up on campus not having developed the resilience to handle college life”.  I think it fits together.  If a person has delayed engaging in adult behaviors, or basically learning how to navigate in the adult world little by little -- what happens to that person when they are thrust into university life where they are kind of forced to be an independent adult?  I think some of those people might face a high level of anxiety.  

I’m not trying to encourage every 16 year old (who aren’t reading this right now because this is an 18+ blog, fyi!) to go out and get drunk and have sex.  I didn’t drink before (or even during) college, I didn’t have sex before 18, I didn’t drive a car either.  I did have a lot of baby sitting jobs, but I don’t know if that counts as “adulting” at all.  But I adapted pretty well to university life and I think I managed to be a fairly resilient individual in many capacities. There are other capacities in which I don’t think I adapted nearly quickly enough and felt like I lacked some of the maturity to navigate that part of life well.  Dating is one example.  I sometimes think that if I had dated and had my heart broken in high school, where the stakes were generally lower and the expectations to handle it like a grown up weren’t there, then I might have made better choices and been better able to make good decisions when it came to dating while in college.  Or maybe not.  I know other people who didn’t date in high school and still managed to be more resilient and smart when they started dating in college.  Who knows? 

So please don’t think that the results of these studies, news articles, etc are meant to apply specifically to any one individual.  We all have different circumstances in our lives that impact us.  But I do think that the topics covered are interesting and it’s worthwhile to consider how adaptable and resilient you are, and to not shy away from facing hardship and pushing yourself to face fears or anxieties head-on as a way of developing that resilience that will make you stronger and more confident in the future.

In case you are interested, here’s a news article about the study that talked about teenagers delaying engaging in adult behaviors.

I couldn’t find the news report about university mental health centers that I heard.  There are lots of news articles about the same topic, but the part that I referenced on resilience was specific to the one I heard.  I’m pretty sure it was NPR, but I could be wrong.

[cielospeaks]

so game related opinionions

go

-my oldest and most... idk even what our relationship is. anyways its a consistant thing. you arent getting rid of me

-honestly jp or nothing, i could care less abt the sprite/game appearance changes and whatnot but i really dislike/am uncomfortable w the actual language translation decisions w the eng version. it rubs me as kinda... making a spectacle of other languages and just really memey and half assed, and not genuine to the feeling of the original

-i have tbh a lot of strong feelings(tm) abt the game and its story- specifically, i kinda hate the end (last 3 chapters) of part 1, am completely apathetic and unimpressed by 1.5, and lb 1-4 at least are my lifeblood and the reason im so fired up abt this game (and regarding that, ivan and qsh best lb kings by a long way). i also adore mashu (and olga marie, and gordolf, and meuniere, and both da vincis, and holmes, and captain, and..) and still have a consistent soft spot for my starting servants (like first ehhh 2ish months of the game, maybe first year ish in general) despite losing interest/enjoyment in some of their appearances later in games (alters, the authors, for instance) im still fond of the versions of them that have been w my guda and squad for so long.

-that being said i do have strong feelings(tm) regarding guda relationships but only w my oc gudas- basically like my take on the ingame guda(s) of my game specifically. like dont catch me w generic gudamashu or guda/anyone tbh, unless its like ova/movie ritsuka, whos cool but not a big fave. and despite this, i still kinda feel uncomfortable w ppl self inserting through guda to heck dr roman, seeing as i see him as mashu’s father figure

-not necessarily go specific but a lot of the more recent protagonist-ish characters make me uncomfortable (the male protagonists besides aformentioned ritsuka, and i dont mind but dont rlly care either way abt anime hakuno, sieg is fine, but the others are kinda shit tho thats not my focus), i really cant put my finger on it tbh. it just... seems like uncomfortable to me. ig bc theyre supposed to be really “cute” and “likeable” but they kinda seem just like tools/fitting a mold? but then again im really not sure for sure why.

f-h

-first of all fk book 3′s story, fk the main trio, fk the fanbase for this game especially. bunch of assholes who cant handle pretty ladies and think theyre so smart and edgy for not liking them and instead liking the blandest boys. book 3′s story is so pointless and basically just a f/s/n ripoff plotwise, and the related things like fb and tt just cement my uncomfortableness/hatred for it

-but other than that.... tbh its a super cute concept of a game. its totes playable, doesnt have the required difficulty spikes like go, and is actually pretty kind w drop rates/5 stars availability. a lot of things i think work for it, and i dont mind that it doesnt have the same things as go, and vice versa. if theres one thing i really dont like is the “hidden stats” bs, but thats like a long running nintendo thing so i dont think its gonna change, nor do i expect it to

-i do think it kinda sucks at pacing tho. and has way too many seasonal banners to proportion of new banner/non seasonal character releases (esp since some seasonal/theme banners are “new character” ones, like cyl (x2) and fallen heroes)

g-f

-this game is broken and not in a good way. barely functions, absolute shit gacha, ive been struggling to hold interest in it and am only still suffering through it bc im a sucker for detective stories. the story/characters are really hypocritical and too much of it is either “no stakes slice of life uwu” or “UGHHH so EDGY Story Relevant(tm)!!!1!” and it really makes it kinda.... unbearable tbh.

-i also think its kinda becoming cheap, what with never giving free characters anymore, and overly obsessed w the characters it deems “story relevant/popular”. i dont think it helps that a lot of my faves are npcs, and ive kinda lost hope of them being playable (cept maybe caro.... and belial in 5 years)

jumpchi

-oh gosh where do i start.. i am loving this wild thing! its the closest i can get to playing kabukicho e youkoso again, and at least i get to see my boy, even if its understandably not voiced (what with being based on manga rather than anime). its super cute, has the same vibe as f-h with being a crossover, and i am living rn. i hope theres a jojo event in the future, seeing as theres barely any joj now, but i dont mind. if anything ill try to keep it up if just to say hello to nizou. thank you for reuniting me w him im so arigatoful

[aroberuka]

Evens for writers ask meme?

2. Where is yourfavourite place to write?

Either the kitchen table, which is the perfect height for my laptop & the only place in the house that gets sunlight in the morning, or my bed tbh.

4. Do you have anywriting habits/rituals?

Not writing habits so to speak but I do have a getting ready to write ritual that mostly consists of dragging myself out of bed and going for a walk.

6. Favourite characteryou’ve written?

Mouse!Surana, hands down. I kinda just made her on the spot for that one oneshot and as a result she ended up radically different from my usual OCs (they’re not usually this… driven xD), which made her such a blast to write.

8. Do you have anywriting buddies or critique partners?

@coppercaravan​ has been both for a little bit over a year and they’re such a pleasure to work with tbh.

10. Pick an author (orwriting friend) to co-write a book with

1) @coppercaravan we should stick our OCs together and see what happens, y/y?

2) That being said it’s super easy to get me to write with you literally all you have to do is drop into my inbox like “hey we should write a thing” and be very patient with my spoonie ass.

12. Which story ofyours do you like best? why?

Honestly it’s the quasiplatonic solavellan fic. I love Tathas, I put a lot of work and also a lot of me into it, I have a lot of thoughts about what’s coming next and I really wish I could finish it already esp since it wouldn’t be that long (like. 8-10 chapters tops, not counting a potential Trespasser sequel) but I haven’t been able to get in a DAI mood for forever x_x

14. What does it takefor you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

Ideally I’d need the stars to align perfectly on a week with two Mondays, but more realistically what I need is:

-a playlist, or at least a couple artists that’ll put me in the right mood

-character sheets with some basic info + relationship charts + their stake in the plot

-a rough chapter by chapter plan that will inevitably fly out the window by the time I finish chapter 1.

16. Cover love/dreamcovers?

Not really, no.

18. Tell us about thatone book you’ll never let anyone read

So back in January there was that self-insert month thing, and I figured why the hell not, but b/c I’m apparently unable to write self-indulgent fluff and also I was in a Mood it turned into a writing as therapy thing and now I don’t know what to do with it b/c on the one hand I do want to write it & I think it would help me deal with some stuff but on the other idk that I would ever be able to let anyone read it, let alone post it online.

20. Any advice foryoung writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

Length is overrated, short chapters are fine and the only good piece of writing advice is that there is no such thing as universal writing advice.

22. Tell us about thebooks on your “to write” list

… I’m not gonna give you a full list b/c it would be ridiculous but the ones that are on my brain atm are:

-- Présages aka The Novel aka that one story about ghosts that turned into a story about the importance of healthy communication & a good support system.

-- A novella about an aromantic protag that was supposed to be a subplot of the previous but is now its own thing so I can give it the attention it deserves.

-- A fantasy novel that started with me listening to too much critical role and is basically a thinly disguised metaphor for fighting against depression.

(All of them are depression books tbh and I’m not even a little bit sorry.)

And then there’s the fics:

-- A post Akuze longshot feat. Leo, grief and politics.

-- A Leverage/HP crossover feat. pre-canon Eliot, wizards and poor attempts at dragon smuggling.

-- A CCS/Naruto crossover that I’ll probably never write tbh b/c the sheer size of it is terrifying to me, but I like to dust it off every other month anyway b/c I put a lot of thought into it.

24. Do you remember themoment you decided to become a writer/author?

I don’t remember the moment I started to write – that was a long long time ago – but the moment I decided to become a writer I’m pretty sure was when I read The Princess Bride, b/c I very distinctly remember closing the book and going “I wish I’d written that”.

26. What’s the mostresearch you’ve ever put into a book?

It’s kinda hard to tell tbh b/c my research, like everything else, tends to be scattered in short bursts over months/years, but my most recent research-heavy project has been the Leverage/HP crossover, which has led me to a lot of reading on poaching/smuggling as I tried to figure out how one would go about smuggling a dragon.

Turns out there’s no actual book on dragon smuggling but I ended up learning a lot about butterfly smuggling, which as it turns out is

1)a thing

2)very serious business.

28. How do you stayfocused on your own work and how do you deal with comparison?

I don’t. I don’t stay focused on anything, ever. I also deal very poorly with comparison even tho the only one doing the comparing is my own self.

30. Do you like to readbooks similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

I do! I find it very helpful esp. when I’m writing in a genre/style I’m not used to. I try to avoid it with fanfiction tho so as to avoid accidentally absorbing other people’s headcanons into my own work.

32. On average how muchdo you write in a day? do you have trouble staying focused/gettingthe word count in?

Tbh I usually count in ‘pages’ (quote/unquote b/c I’m using my own format which is considerably shorter than what you probably think of when you hear ‘page’), and I’m trying to get myself to two pages a day for The Novel but I’m considerably slower when I’m not writing in French b/c language is hard.

34. Unpopular writingthoughts/opinions?

-- Character death is overrated.

-- The idea that conflict is necessary to tell a good story is highly subjective and even if it wasn’t a good conflict shouldn’t just boil down to ‘characters being horrible (or downright abusive) to each other’/‘characters being forced to commit or witness atrocities’ over and over again.

-- Romance is boring and so is smut.

-- Young/aspiring writers need positive feedback way, way more than criticism, constructive or not; constructive criticism overall is overrated (which isn’t to say that it’s never useful but like it’s not The One True Way For A Writer To Improve that a lot of ppl try to sell it as).

36. Post a snippet

She’s always been lucky is the thing.

Lucky to find the Reds when she needed them, lucky to lose them when she no longer did, lucky to get caught by the right people at the right time, lucky to be offered military service instead of prison, lucky that Anderson had seen something in her no-one else ever had.

Lucky to survive doesn’t feel so special.

38. How do you nailvoice in your books?

Honestly that is one thing that comes p much naturally to me? Like whenever I write in a character’s voice I can usually ‘hear’ what I’m writing so to speak, which makes things considerably easier tbh.

40. Do you look up toany of your writer buddies?

What kind of question is that I look up to all of y'all??? I’m not even kidding here y’all are amazing and talented and I’m so thrilled I got to meet all of you?

42. How many drafts doyou usually write before you feel satisfied?

I’d say 2-3 though it’s kinda hard to tell b/c I don’t strictly speaking work in full drafts, I tend to go back and forth between paragraphs instead.

44. Why (and when) didyou decide to become a writer?

I must have been like 16 or something. Hell if I remember why except I love stories and it seemed like a good idea at the time?

46. Past or presenttense?

I actually prefer past tense despite my current inability to write it (idk why all my fic end up being present tense but I suspect English).

48. Do you prefer towrite skimpy drafts and flesh them out later, or write too much and cut it back?

I mean most of my fics are already under 500 words long can you imagine if I actually cut stuff from them? :p

50. Do you share yourrough drafts or do you wait until everything is all polished?

I tend to wait until everything is polished but also, again, it’s super easy to get me to share rough drafts or even outlines with you b/c I am weak and crave validation.

52. Who do you writefor?

Me. Always.

Like listen the fact is actually talking openly & honestly about personal stuff even to people who have been there for me in the past is literally the hardest thing for me to do and I got so damn good at avoiding it I don’t even have to think before I do it anymore, and sometimes it feels like writing is the only way I can actually properly communicate anymore. So yeah I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about ppl loving what I write but it will always be first and foremost something I do for myself.

54. Favourite firstline/opening you’ve written?

already answered here