#lifeshrinksandexpansinproportiontoonescourage

[nxiousxpsistence]

it's over, they're all over

I've let them all go.

Yesterday was yet another Pride day in London and on Pride, nothing can make me sad. That's why it was good timing to have that convo where I literally let go of my crush after holding on to these warm feelings for a month or so - wait, exactly one month!

I found him after the march and we had a couple of drinks and talked. My intention was to lay it all on the table and gauge his reactions. Before I could say anything though, he hit me with "I've been upset over this. I get upset over things like this!." I spent the next half hour trying to understand what got him upset.

Apparently he felt like a male "pervert" perving over a femme who was not interested.

It was more like him starting something without my consent. I didn't put the binary into it, he did.

And it was just bc I didn't respond to him for about 6 hours and I hit him with "I need time to think if we can find a common ground" in the morning when HE texted me "Are we not speaking BRO?".

Forgetting how he left me on read for days on end and I never made a big deal out of it bc I didn't want to keep in contact constantly. Apparently he thought it was him being aloof and me chasing him, giving him the space just so I could bag him. Like what?

I tried to make him understand that it wasn't the original boundary-shattering but how he and I handled it in the hours following. He failed to respect my agency and my space at every step of the way. The initial attempt made me feel uncomfortable, the convo that came after didn't reduce that discomfort and, in fact, added to it.

For one, he literally said "Oh, I've been expecting this, this is too familiar." This is possibly the only notion I hate with my whole heart. It renders me without any will or means to reply. Should I try to persuade you otherwise or should I say "Yeah, you must be a genius!." There's an element of trust at stake here, too. I can't really put my trust in another person's way of thinking if they are in the habit of jumping to conclusions without enough information AND submitting to their impatience to assume the worst about themselves and myself. Like Super Hans says, I can't really depend on this way of thinking in a combat situation.

Apparently what he thought was that I must have got back together with my ex, who wouldn't want me talking to other ppl. Where exactly is my agency and my authority in that? Am I just a putty in ppl's hands and have I got no willpower to do as I please? Also, why are you trying to get closer to someone who you think can actually be dragged into things rather than following their own agency?

Towards the end of the conversation, it was pretty clear to me that we wouldn't be able to make each other understand our respective positions and I told him as much. I explained how I knew the pieces didn't and wouldn't fit and this is actually a good thing that'll save us a lot of heartache.

I think it was the toxic doublethink I got from him that put me off further. Half of the convo assumed what happened the night before was purely a misunderstanding, while the other half questioned why he wouldn't be able to use sexual innuendos while talking to me, an asexual. This way of thinking is DANGEROUS, not only for whomever he chooses to be with but for himself, also.

When you start questioning if something could be anything other than what it actually was, there's no fighting that.

He couldn't answer me when I flat out asked "Was it suggestive or not?." Because it fucking was. And him trying to convince me that it wasn't (while claiming he should be able to say suggestive stuff to me) was an even bigger red flag than the original suggestiveness. Hope he got that.

I was only shocked when he talked about how I approached him sexually and how if he'd done that, that would've been an issue with me. What he's talking about is this 4 sentences I uttered to him, explaining that I'd want a casual relationship, no strings attached, with hopefully some sexy times. That's it. It was me offering him my consent - NOT to have sex right there and there, but maybe to start talking about it, what we want, and what gives us joy and what makes us tick? How is it that our personal spaces should be available at all times to be invaded by others? Why would somebody open themselves up to hurt like this?

I was so careful not to touch him when I knew he wasn't there for it even as we were lying side by side on the same bed. It was only once that I said I wanted to touch him and he only consented to me cuddling him from behind - and that's exactly what I did, nothing more. So he did see how I approached this. He knew I wanted him badly and I was keeping a respectful distance even when we were in the same house. He knew how to do it, he just chose not to.

This was also shocking bc I realised how intricate my understanding of physical intimacy was. It was never straightforward and I knew that. But I never thought it would involve me having to fight against these linear, seemingly compulsory, and frankly childish impositions of what I need to tolerate. I don't have to tolerate shit and if somebody assumes that they do, I can't convince them otherwise. I found myself trying to explain the layers of my own sexuality which I'd got together over decades and I didn't enjoy it about a month into a situationship. Even him putting me in that position was off-putting.

He just wouldn't accept why his usual way of going about things wouldn't work on me.

This led to a painful realisation. I literally told him that if I'd been 5 years younger, I'd have taken this all in, performed the role of a good femme girlfriend, his efforts to convince me his intentions had been pure succeeding and me narrowing myself down more as we went along. It would've been a 2-year relationship AT LEAST and it'd end with him and me cursing each other for all the trauma we'd caused. I said, "I'm not in the business of depending on things changing, they never do."

It saddens me to think this is how ppl are taught to start relationships - based on wishful thinking. Mine is magickal thinking, there's a difference.

Then, he talked about how rude I was, saying he'd never do that to anyone. I said, "You mean telling sb when you don't want something?." He said, well pretty much. Apparently if he were me, he'd string me along without me knowing what he actually wanted. I'm not going to berate anyone for this, everyone has their own way, but this feels so fake and so pretentious and control freak-y to me. 1) Why would I subject myself to something I don't want to subject myself to? 2) Why could I not be courageous enough to tell ppl the truth without offending them or berating them? Why is it a no-go to say no to stuff?

It's funny bc I had told him that nothing true and real could hurt me. It apparently went over his head.

Once we had the convo, we went to the afterparty, tried to get in and couldn't, so we had a drink somewhere else. It was good as I felt things were back to normal. Like I can now have a conversation with him if I see him around.

BUT there were just 3 sentences (this is a lot isn't it?) that showed me there was no way back.

"You smoke too much, smoke less." He has no idea how much or how frequently I smoke. What is it to anybody if my way of living doesn't hurt them directly? Again and louder for the ones in the back - my life invites no intrusion.

"I don't like you when you're drunk." Then don't be around me when I'm drunk, it's easy. And if he's not comfortable with something, he can easily let me know. Holding on to it and saying it right after I "broke it up" surely isn't a good look.

"You'll get back together with your ex." Again do I have no agency? Do my words hold no truth? Why would I get myself into SOMETHING I DON'T WANT TO BE IN? This is the biggest red flag as he literally believes he can find himself in situations he doesn't want to be in. Why?

This last point is also significant bc I have this suspicion that this will be the foregone conclusion the whole community around us will have. It'll be a point of conversation how I've been flirting w sb else and my ex flirting with multiple ppl and we still live together - "Oh, they'll get back together." I understand ppl talk and I don't mind it - I know we have an interesting and somewhat "impossible" story - but I'd like to have the power to not be around anyone who'll enjoy holding on to their presumptions about me than what I actually have to say. I'd rather remain a mystery for the narrow-minded.

I am so proud of myself for keeping an eye on myself through all this. My inner child is happy. She feels protected. I'm happier now that it's over than I'd be when it went ahead.

Now I'll have 2 weeks for myself to talk to my feelings, see where they are, and persuade them that yearning for him is the better way to go than having him. I think I'll manage.

Again - I love myself and my love for you more than I love you and it's amazing.

[nxiousxpsistence]

bir işi düşünmeye başladıysam gerisi gelir

kendimi kontrol etmem asla mümkün olmadığı için, kendime güvenmeye karar verdim.

vardır bir bildiğim vol. 5.65.

sana yine bak söyleyemediklerim var. hani kulağına giderse, gözüne değerse sınır ihlali olacaklardan. ne sana'sı hatta, size. topunuza.

hani gerçek oluversek bir anda kim olduğumuzu unutucaz da o yüzden mecbur var olana razıymışız gibi.

ama diğerleri duymasın, çok mühim değil, senin duymaman sıkıntılı olur benim için, en azından uzun vadede.

10 parmak öğrenmem lazım, yardım eder misin bana?

uWu

Bugün sana "bak bir parçam da sende ama söyleyemiyorum" yazdım yazdım, sildim. öyle çünkü.

senden yine güç alıyorum çünkü. keşke bana kendini daha çok anlatsan, I'm really not very good with listening to what ppl have to say nowadays and I know damn well it shows.

sorry, not sorry. thank you for winning the war against you.

I am more me because of the space you've let me give you.

You're practically the only person I'd consider an authority worthy of my consideration.

My cognitive cogs eat money for gas.

So I do love you and it's this kind of love that'd die rather than invade any of your space with. I feel like you (and he) are like rare flowers I'd very much enjoy watching grow, as I grow - hopefully but maybe not.

I want to be there, the non-anxious one, the always horny one, the bubbly yet dark one, the one who wears her hair high just so they can be seen as an old person. Hey, IT'S FUCKING FUN.

Like, I don't know, I've been without human touch for so long that I can easily publish a better version of myself (my trick is to reduce myself to momentous pleasures rather than meeting my own god) out there and catch his eye. Why the fuck not?

And I don't know. I may just do that. Ppl grow exponentially when they come to hate me.

Like he can hate me.

But I can't bear the thought of you seeing me for who I am and not liking it - I trust your judgment. I know you'll tell the truth. It's not even a deep kind of thing - I understand how your mind works, am curious to know more, and perhaps be there for you when we can have happiness together? Like in any capacity whatsoever?

My only expectation in life is to be able to seize what I choose to add to my life. I'd like you to choose to be with me - even if it is for a moment. We can be real to each other, get naked hopefully in more ways than one - or none - and I can finally say "Well, I must surely exist NOW?"

The mirage I've built for myself would like to be perceived by you because you have the most well oiled machine I've seen around. If you see something that doesn't sit right, I'll consider it. I may not agree with it, but I'll consider it.

With him, it's too early to tell, but the feeling doesn't smell nice. It's there and it's fun and it's exciting and it gave me new life and new inspiration

BUT

his way of thinking does not intersect my way of thinking on enough number of points along the way.

he needs to see a home in me, I have built a magnificent home for myself, which I won't allow anybody to touch for a while.

he's unwavering in his quest for the ultimate love, thinking my annoying habits will brush themselves off with good sex, and oh boy is he wrong.

his claim of me feels unnatural. he doesn't know me, still. I'm practically the fun, bubbly, curvy bitch who is overconfident,

oh and a gaybie who's merely living through queer euphoria. like a stage I'll grow out of soon? Why?

I didn't realise it until you mentioned how toxic this is. Exhibit 1A, Your Honour!

Like he walks on eggshells around me and we won't get anywhere until he realises I haven't put those there, on the floor there.

It's surely me evading responsibility as the inherent mistake we've been born with tells us to assume responsibility over others when we feel stuff.

We take responsibility without authority. This is where the balance gets askew.

I want you to talk to me more, but I don't know how to do it. I can't believe I find regular flirting (romantic) easier than I do intellectual flirting, which I'm actually supposed to be good at.

Are you actually making me blush and feel awkward? Investigate when not high.

I really wonder what thoughts you had as you shared those stories and let us know how you were and made me happy just to see you and Baris happy.

Like I'm dying to know about the depression, the void calling you again.

I literally need your experience with withdrawals and self-medication as I don't know how to navigate it - and your experience will be like a good book for me to enjoy. You're so ingenuous in your ways!

02.07.2023 - I really needed you to discuss asexuality a couple of days ago. Your insight would've added clarity to my deliberations. I wish you'd been there.

You shine and I see you. Is it too foolish to say exactly that?

You make me feel like it is.

He makes me feel like I'm claimed and I don't like it.

Maybe I've driven it this far but it's no longer in my control.

Perhaps this is the dance and I shall just play along as I really need the touch of a person who makes me feel fuzzy and warm inside.

And oh boy is he promising!

02.07.2023 - I didn't enjoy it and he's not that promising.

-- Not me getting high on my own romantic thoughts, the figurative flowers I've bought for you, the meals I had with you in candlelight --

Maybe you'll read all this when we meet in September.

And me laying myself bare to you may have just given me a will to be seen.

I hope you're the above to my below and we run around naked for a while.

I mentioned you at the picnic, to somebody who I was amazed to find has the same exact thinking as I did - I'm more spontaneous. I said, there was this person who was open about their gender and I started following them. I learned from them. I felt things for them. Today, I realised how this all started as a parasocial relationship. I enjoyed the thought of me growing just enough to ask you to have a chat with me. I knew I was missing things, I knew I had some more exploring to do. I kinda knew the pandemic was coming (I actually did). But I knew our paths would cross someday and they did.

I enjoy waiting for people who I kinda suspect would enjoy my company.

19.07.2023

I can't believe I've been going in circles since this all started.

It didn't start with me having a crush, it started with you unblocking me.

The laughter came when I made you blush.

My joy is delayed often and I get overwhelmed by happiness more easily than I do by sorrow nowadays.

I like to think I did my bit.

But there you are, as glorious as ever. I was just today anxious about this huge ball of feelings and yuck and more yuck and lovely pussy smell and boobs and feelings and yearning (for servitude?) being a side track to my feelings for him and ALAS FUCKING ALAS he was the distraction the whole time.

I literally couldn't even check if you unblocked me before rising and roaring and being (pretty loud). I was a shadow of myself.

Everything brings me back to your bedroom and I can't believe how incredible this feeling of being free to love you and NOT HURT YOU at the same time is.

I'll be your awkward toy and for that you do deserve some running around, but that's for a separate discussion, one we may never have - and it's ok.

There's a catch, tho, as this flow of juices has unfortunately damaged the ceiling downstairs and the council needs to be involved soo

Should I curse myself for this ability to experience love so deeply, so joyfully, so hornily, and so like bathing in a warm pool of bubble tea bubbles, all the while making reasonably adult plans to let you know about all this and letting you decide how to deal with this on your end. I'll be busy melting more the whole time, I know where mine goes.

I need to be brave and honest. I need to kill it just so it can make a conscious choice to respawn or not. Otherwise dimensions will collide.

I need to tell you all this.

It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

I knew I needed to write a love letter to you.

Never thought it'd be a love-love letter, tho.

Now this IS awkward.

Oh I want you so bad.

Ask yourself:

Would anais do this?