#I am happy this movie exists - just some food for thought | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

cialovesklopp · 1 year ago

Text

𝐖𝐇𝐈𝐋𝐄 𝐖𝐄’𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔𝐍𝐆 ➺ k.mbappé

𝒔𝒖𝒎𝒎𝒂𝒓𝒚 — in which it’s the night of the grammys and amara has the chance to make history and shock the world with some revelations

𝒑𝒂𝒊𝒓𝒊𝒏𝒈 — amara imani (oc) x kylian mbappé

𝒘𝒐𝒓𝒅 𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕 — 10k

𝒔𝒐𝒏𝒈 𝒐𝒇 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 — while we’re young [jhene aiko]

𝒕𝒂𝒈𝒍𝒊𝒔𝒕 — @aechii @lorarri

𝒂𝒖𝒕𝒉𝒐𝒓’𝒔 𝒏𝒐𝒕𝒆 — so… we’ve finally made it. one more article and we’re through with mon amour. I want to thank you all for reading, for not leaving even though I had some periods where I couldn’t find any inspiration. You still read Mon amour even if I found myself soo discouraged and unmotivated. Don’t worry, i still have a lot for this series planned. A very big thank you goes also to @aechii who accompanied me through the entire process and supported me in the best way. nothing i could wish more for and i am very happy about the fact that you enjoyed it so much. one of my closest people. and then a big thank you goes to my soul sister @lorarri — without her this series probably wouldn’t exist and this series are as much mine as they are hers.

masterlist

𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐌

𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐫𝐥𝐞𝐬_𝐥𝐞𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐫𝐜

liked by liyah_clark, pierregasly and 13.074.652 others

charles_leclerc the amara imani protection squad is in all on-board for the evening

view all 98.074 comments

username omg yukierre being the ones responsible for food

username to be a fly on those walls during that night

username i just wanna know if what pierre and yuki cooked was good

charles_leclerc it was edible but pierre was just there for pr

maxverstappen1 it was definitely better than what lando and oscar cooked

landonorris it wasn’t that bad, the steak was just a bit unseasoned and the vegetables were edible

georgerussell bit unseasoned? you didn’t even put salt on the steak and the vegetables were burned

lewishamilton even roscoe declined your food

username this is a want, not a need

liyah_clark as much as i love this little supportive get-together i hope no one touched any of my things. i haven’t forgotten the foundation yet.

charles_leclerc … about that 😶

charles_leclerc max slept on your side of the bed and pierre used your skincare

maxverstappen1 only because lando took nearly all the space and lewis reserved the entire couch for him and roscoe

username i swear to god they’re never gonna beat those allegations

username lestappen nation thanking the gods at the moment for this

amara.imani roscoe!! 🥹

roscoelovescoco we’s loves amara

amara.imani thx for your support guys, you are the best group ever. you’re making me cry and i’m currently in hair & makeup

amara.imani if i win a prize tonight, i’ll make sure to mention you

username but the fact that amara imani is more important than anything and even made pierre and esteban forget their petty fight

username FR like amara is so much bigger even their pettiness can be put aside

username i feel like we should give charles a extra big thank u for dating liyah and bringing amara into their lives

𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐚.𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢

liked by charles_leclerc, graceywood and 17.028.543 others

amara.imani big night and big surprise incoming

the user turned her comments off on this post

𝐓𝐖𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑

𝐑𝐄𝐀𝐋 𝐋𝐈𝐅𝐄

her life was truly a fairytale. amara imani was sure of that now.

looking back a year and a half ago, she would have never thought she would be able to say those words; especially because she loved fairy tales and her life seemed to be going drown back then. and somehow one person had been able to change everything and make her life resemble a disney movie. give her her own fairy tale.

her love for fairytales dated back a long time ago. back to when her father used to read her stories before going to sleep. how often had she fallen asleep to the happy endings of snow white or cinderella? wished that she would meet her dream prince like belle did with the beast? well, now she had.

the life she had built now was different than before. historians liked to define time by distinguishing before christ and after christ. and amara could organize her time now by differentiating between before and after evan — or better yet, before and after kylian.

before kylian, she was there but she felt herself floating between spaces, just there but with no cause. the quick rise and new found fame had made her lose herself in all the turmoil and with the addition of evan, amara soon didn’t even recognize her own reflection in the mirror anymore. during that time, life become meaningless and fairytales stayed what they were. plain fairy tales, made simply for the purpose of entertaining children.

that was the problem once one lost themself. the genuine pleasure and joys of life were lost with the person itself. colors became blurry together, and there was no difference anymore in what was real and what was a simple imagination of what one truly felt. amara found herself lost, drowning even though the water was clear. herself long gone. and her identity too.

philosophy described the identity as several qualities, beliefs, characteristics and the sense of belonging that formed a person. described them and made the different from all the other humans and their identities. their identities were highly necessary for the growth of the human. but when one lost themselves, their identity was often a part of what they were losing too. the security of knowing what one was became a doubtful question, followed by several insecurities that were coming up too.

maybe losing herself big amara so hard because she had never truly known herself — after all, the brain has not finished developing till the age of 23. the sudden void that filled a part of her and could not be filled had ripped apart the part of her that she had carried into her new life. the new-found fame. and even the smallest innocent parts of herself were lost the moment she had not known who she was anymore.

and then there was after kylian. the time where she found herself again. and fairytales became true again.

sometimes people had to lose themselves to find themselves again, to see themselves the way they truly are. find their own worth again. a process amara had needed more than she could have imagined.

evan had reduced her, made her believe she was nothing more than a side piece to his person that cling to him and followed him wherever he went. he had treated her career as if it was a side hobby she had been doing and could stop at any time. she had gotten so wrapped up in the false illusion evan had created of her, she had forgotten how much she was worth for just being herself. maybe evan had shown her a different world, shown her the secrets to it and made her see different colors — but he had also shown her how much she didn’t fit into his world. she had forgotten how special she was because she was too busy loving him, trying to meet his expectations and ideals.

it had made the idea of love seem disgusting — why would anyone go through that kind of pain just to be disappointed? sure, love included pain, after all one didn’t truly love if they had never experienced the pains of love. but when the pain was outweighing the good? the happy moments? amara had closed the chapter of love when evan had humiliated her. forgotten all her dreams of getting her happy ever after.

it was kylian who made the difference.

showing someone something was not the way one can learn. they’ll know how to spot it but they won’t know how to use it. it’s by teaching them that one can truly learn. and kylian taught amara how to love.

taught her that love was not just sharing “i love you”. the act of love went further than that, more intimate. love was about creating. constructing a world that fits the other one as much as oneself. trying to realize the best version of the world. and it was so much more than just creating.

love was also about trust. being able to confide in your partner was just as important as the feelings that were developed in a relationship. they had to trust that the other would always be there to catch them, no matter what case. trust was just as important. it was valuable and once the trust was gone, even love would not be enough.

but what amara treasured the most was communication. it made her feel seen, her problems were heard and not just swallowed down to forget. they compromised when they weren’t sharing the same opinion and talked it out when they felt misunderstood. amara had always thought men didn’t like talking about their feelings, especially with all the fights she had had with evan whenever he seemed angry but again, kylian proved that there was hope for the male population.

he didn’t keep to himself. when something seemed to be bothering him, he cleared it quickly with her and cuddle sessions were often spent with him ranting, whenever he felt bad or annoyed at his team. but most importantly, he never took it out on her.

no matter how complicated it got, how angry he sometimes seemed at paris, he never let any of his anger out on amara — he never even showed it. it was another way of expressing their love for each other; by being their best versions for each other.

they were ready for everything. even for the big night that was awaiting them.

just thinking about the grammys made a shiver run through her body. in about fifteen minutes she would officially step into the public again. re-enter the high society of the music industry and make her comeback. and for the first time, she would be opening the grammys. to say she was nervous was an understatement — even cleaning her entire house seemed like a better idea at the moment.

the closer the car got, the more she could hear fans screaming and yelling from outside. amara had truly forgotten what big importance the grammys played — the night that decided all. and she was nominated in eight categories. she hadn’t even made two last year and now she was nominated for eight — oh, how the tables could turn.

“on a scale from one to ten, how nervous are you?” grace asked her softly, reaching for amara’s hand and squeezing it.

“44,” amara replied stiffly, fidgeting with her fingers. her heart was pounding like a drum in her chest, even though in a few minutes she would put on her best million dollar smile. weeks had gone into the preparation for the grammys, especially since she was the one hosting and opening them. adding to that, she also had two more performances scheduled tonight and amara knew that they had to be perfect. everyone would be scrutinizing her, watching her with prying eyes and waiting for a slip up.

the weight of expectations was suffocating her but she was not about to have a panic attack ten minuets away from the venue. and not when she looked this beautiful.

the beautiful diamond-encrusted blue mermaid gown that had been specially made for her fit her like a second skin. the dress was gorgeous with its long tail and waves that emphasized the long slit and showed off her beautiful legs. it was made to turn heads and steal the show — perfect for amara tonight. her hair had been pulled into an elegant sleek bun that matched the neutral but glowing makeup. she looked breathtaking so why didn’t she feel like it?

“you are the star of the night and you know it. no album was as good as mon amour and everybody knows it. even the people on social media are backing you,” grace tried to assure her as amara took a deep breath. she was trying to steady her hands and stop the shivering but her nerves were getting the better side of her.

was she very excited to spend the night with people who had turned their back on her the minute evan had started spreading his lies? no. but would she love wiping the smile off their face by stealing the show tonight? definitely.

her redemption arc had gone perfectly. even better than she had imagined. she didn’t have any reason to be nervous. she was still fidgeting with her fingers as the car arrived but her nerves had calmed down a bit. this was her moment; her chance to show the world again that she was back and here to stay.

she closed her eyes for a few seconds as the car pulled up in front of the venue, a small smile appearing on her lips as she heard all the fans screaming. she wasn’t sure if they were yelling for her or maybe a previous artist but it reminded her again of how much she had missed them. missed her own fans that had defended her till the end. she would step onto that red carpet and make everyone swallow their past words. that’s what she had been taught and no situation fit better than this one.

“it’s show time,” grace whispered excitingly and amara took one final deep breath. the driver then opened the door and amara stepped out, the defeating roar of the crowd hitting her like a sudden wave.

the moment she had finally gotten out of the car, people making sure that her dress was okay, Fans reached a new height of their screams as they yelled out of excitement. everyone surged forward, trying to catch a glimpse of the attention of the star singer while paparazzis were literally blending her their cameras and constant pictures. amara turned around and waved to the fans, blowing them kisses while a huge smile formed on her face.

as she walked towards the red carpet, even journalists who were reporting live from the event were shocked by what turmoil the arrival of amara imani caused. cameras were flashing constantly without a pause, nearly blinding her as they tried to capture every move. even the other stars who had arrived before her were stunned by her appearance — and the way they nearly saw white because of all those paparazzi trying to take the best picture of her.

“oh my god, this is crazy,” amara exclaimed, her cheeks starting to hurt from all the smiling.

“girl, what did you expect? eight nominations and your first grammy appearance since two years? of course you’re gonna be turning heads,” grace replied in a matter of fact- tone because it was obvious. “this is your night so enjoy it.”

guided by her team, she moved quickly along them before stoping for the final red carpet photos and the interviews grace had told her would he waiting for her. the poses came naturally to her though it became quite difficult to keep her eyes constantly open with the way photographers were flashing her with their cameras. she smiled one last time, turning a bit so that her entire dress was visible and was caught at every angle. and then it was interview time.

with a smile plastered on her face, she stepped towards the first reporter, all cameras still on her. “wow, first let me say, you look gorgeous. you’re glowing tonight.”

“thank you so much. i would say i’m blushing but i can’t…,” she trailed off jokingly before becoming serious again. “nah, but i am really thankful for my team that organized all this and very thankful for the designers that created this dress for me.”

“well, amara, we all know that you prefer to hide the muse behind your new album but has it helped you with your success? especially after such a hard year?”

she took a deep breath, trying to form the perfect words in her head. “i guess, one could say so. choosing this privacy for my life this time seemed right at the moment and i do not regret it. i am still a bit amazed at mon amour’s success because all i did. was just expressing my love but i am grateful for the success.”

the reporter nodded before asking the next question. “amara,” she began, “your return to the music scene has been eagerly awaited by fans worldwide. i mean even i was excited when you announced that you were going to be present at the grammys. what inspired to do comeback and can we expect more music?”

amara laughed. “to be honest, it was my boyfriend who inspired me that i hid enough from the public. especially from an important night like this. but what concerns music, i do not know right now. i hadn’t planned mon amour till i had four songs ready in a short amount of time and thought i can do more. i guess we’ll see.”

she bid her goodbye to the reporter before moving along to the next one, who seemed completely marveled at her.

“wow, amara imani is standing in front of me. i think i can die happily now.” he joked enthusiastically, making amara grin too. “okay, but jokes aside. you really do look gorgeous.”

she smiled cheekily. “thank you very much. i feel flattered that i made you accomplish your life goal.”

“so, how does it feel to be back on the red carpet after your long hiatus? any special feelings?”

she shrugged nonchalantly. “it’s amazing being back. it’s always a big honor to be invited but being nominated is always another step. i kinda missed the rush and my fans. a small part of me probably even missed the constant pictures.”

“it was announced that you were going to co-host the grammys alongside dua lipa but you also have a performance scheduled tonight. that are a lot of expectations for tonight, do you feel ready for that?”

she nodded happily, her hand subconsciously smoothing out her dress. “definitely. we spent weeks perfectioning this performance especially because it is my first after such a long time — and as for dua, we are good friends so it should be funny to host with her tonight. but i’m definitely ready.”

she waved at the reporter before going to the next.one that she had grown fond of over the years. naomi hart.

“if it isn’t amara imani,” naomi greeted her cheekily, pressing two kisses on each of her cheeks. the typical french greeting the two had developed between each other.

“naomi hart. my favorite journalist,” amara stated in the same tone, hugging her. the two women went way back to amara’s early days of fame when naomi took her aside and explained to her how the whole press thing even worked.

“wow, you really look amazing. like can we just take a moment and admire your dress?” naomi exclaimed jokingly but with a slight tone of admiration. “and that necklace — must have cost a fortune.”

“thank you so much. it was a difficult choice choosing this dress but it’s nice knowing that the dress is doing what it’s supposed to do.” she chuckled, doing a little twirl with the dress. “and the necklace was a gift from my boyfriend.”

“oh, the mysterious boyfriend. wanna tell us more about him or about your grammy performance?”

she shook her head amusingly. “nope, not really. i kinda like the privacy we got. but concerning my performances, all i can say is that it’s gonna be a lot. i don’t know the word small but then again, let’s not give away too much,” she answered teasingly, winking at the camera.

“well, i’m definitely excited for it. you better slay on that stage.”

“i will,” amara stated firmly before grace walked up to her and the two were escorted inside by her security team. the show was officially starting now.

“wow… long time no seen amara,” sarah pierson greeted her, smiling at her while amara only faked small one. that sarah played a big part in her time with evan had not been forgotten. especially because she was the one amara thought she could trust the most only to be stabbed in the back. the comments her former friend had let out about her had really showed amara who had actually been her true friends and who was just with her for the good parts.

“wish i could say i missed you but mama taught me not to lie,” amara replied simply, fiddling a bit with the microphone in her hand.

sarah sighed, brushing a few strands of her hair out of her face. “amara, don’t tell me you’re still mad about the past. i didn’t know evan was lying.”

amara shrugged nonchalantly, not caring anymore. “i’m over it. you had your fifteen minutes fame. that’s what you wanted right? and now that they’re over, you’re crawling back?” amara questioned sassily as she checked her makeup one last time in the mirror. “sorry sweetie,” she replied in the same sweet tone she had been used to receiving from her, “but you’re a bit late. now excuse me but i’m about to open the grammys.”

she sent her ex-friend one last dirty glance before strutting past her, ignoring any other calls for her attention as she made her way backstage. she had spotted lots of people — people who had supported her through the backflash and people who hadn’t even bothered to send her a message through all that complicated time. it had given her the chance to realize who was truly on her side and who weren’t and sarah and her whole clique definitely were on the bad list.

“was she bothering you?” amara had found dua and grace chatting friendly when she finally made her way back and the latter had instantly remarked the somewhat displeased expression on her face.

amara waved dismissively. “it’s nothing, just some insincere apologies that i’ve already heard,” she replied shortly, adjusting her outfit. “is everything ready?”

dua looked at her phone one last time and nodded. “it’s nearly 8. the red carpet is over and people should be at their places,” her serious expression softened as she looked at amara suggestively. “is he here?” she asked slyly, emphasising the "he”.

“you won’t get anything out of me,” amara laughed as dua nudged her lightly, making her laughter only increase.

amara couldn’t imagine a better person to host the grammys with than dua. the two singers had immediately hit it off when they had been introduced three years ago at the grammys and had since then stayed in contact. dua had even sent her some messages when amara had taken her leave from the star business. and now the two girls found themselves next to each other again. a sweet reunion.

“ready to get everyone dancing?” dua teased her slightly, moving a bit so the dancers could all take their place before she left to get in place to announce everything.

“never been more ready,” amara stated confidently, as she stared one last time at her outfit. the silver metallic ensemble that she had chosen for this performance fitted her perfectly, like a second skin and made everything look very futuristic and modern. a complete contrast to the video of the song but the dancing would make up for it.

“have fun,” grace told her quickly, blowing her a kiss and quickly disappeared too as the lights started to dim, to catch everyone’s attention and signify that the night was about to start. and it was.

amara was officially letting the entire world know that she was back.

it was pitch black. except a few phones, every source of light had been extinguished or turned off. everyone’s eyes were focused on the stage or rather the person that would be appearing soon on it.

she took one last breath before going into her start position, microphone tight in her hand. the music then began to play as the curtains opened slowly and amara hid a small grin at everyone’s reaction.

“i’m ready to pull up on you,” she sang the minute the music stopped and the screen became black again before she continued to sing again. she and grace had put a lot of effort into the visuals of her opening performance, with liyah sometimes pitching in as a pair of fresh eyes. but the way everyone was cheering for her, a surge of pride overcome her as she danced — everything was going great.

she was back in her element, her true nature. performing. some people were great at singing while some prefered to dance but amara found herself home in both. and she always tried to perform for her public. give them a show. she wasn’t one to just sing and do some moves — if she was on stage, she had to do both: sing and dance. give people the time of their lives. and from the way everybody was dancing, clapping or even singing along, she was clearly succeeding.

by the time the music for hrs&hrs started, people were clearly out of breath from all the activity but they felt alive and no one was sitting down. the song she was singing now was perhaps a bit slower but people could still be enjoying themselves by singing loudly along, which was a great pause.

during the second song, amara had changed outfit and had switched from her metallic modern ensemble to a beautiful, silky green dress with two thick straps that shimmered under the light. she had let her hair open and in the short pause where the dancers had time to leave the stage and it went black again, amara could change her shoes and put on some black heels. they matched the dress perfectly.

“and yours, mine and ours,” she sang gracefully as the music faded out and light illuminated the hall again. she smiled brightly at everyone as whistles and clapping erupted from her audience — how she had missed this.

dua was the first one to join her on the stage again. “and with this, the 2024 grammys have officially begun. let’s all give a huge applause to amara imani for opening our night like this.”

again, huge applause filled the arena and amara playfully bowed down.

“thank you for your warm welcome. it’s been a while since i last performed,” amara admitted sheepishly as she brushed some hair out of her face.

“well given the audience, i think you were amazing,” dua congratulated her. “tell me your secret, how do you do it? be gorgeous and talented at the same time?”

“omg dua are you flirting with me?” amara asked shockingly, playfully putting a hand on her heart. “you’ve never been this nice.”

“took you long enough to catch up, huh?” both were grinning as they entertained the public, making the people present laugh. “okay but focus back. welcome to the 66th grammy awards everyone — a night created to celebrate some of the finest talent in the industry from pop to punk. i can assure you there is an award for everything, with big names, big performances and even bigger awards there is no shortage of entrainment for our viewers at home and here to enjoy. i’m dua…”

“and i’m amara. and we’re going to host the show tonight.” both finished the last words together, posing playfully. they laughed at each other again before dua pulled out the first envelope. “let’s kick off the night with our first winner.”

amara thanked the person quickly that had handed them the envelope before giving it to dua who opened it. the stars were out in the sky and by the stage and both were in for a long night.

the night was fully in motion. they had kicked off with announcing the grammy for best rock song of the year which had been followed by a performance from megan thee stallion and cardi b before several other winners had been announced. but none of the categories where amara had been nominated. the energy was high, everyone was in a good mood as they waited for the results of the night and there were no scandals that could be discussed slightly.

she had even spotted evan, which truly confused her as she couldn’t find a reason why he would even be invited, but it didn’t bother her much anyway. tonight was about her. she could make history tonight, or better said, gain her place in history with eight nominations. though she didn’t think she would truly win all six.

amara found herself standing backstage as she watched lizzo perform while her heart pounded in her chest. just before the black beauty had started to entertain the public, they had read out the nominees for the category of “best r&b song”, a category she had been nominated under though. the energy in the room was beyond anything she could have imagined the last time with people dancing and singing along to songs. the nigerian singer found herself so lost in her thoughts, she didn’t even notice that the performance was nearly over. as she looked up, her hands instantly clapped when she saw that lizzo was exiting the stage amidst roaring applause.

the stage was set for another celebrity to grace it as all nominees started to hope that it was their name being called out. even amara reached for grace’s hand for support and squeezed it lightly to calm down some of her nervosity. all eyes were on kelly clarkson who was set to announce the winner.

“okay, so i’ve got the envelope here.” she began as she opened the envelope. “and the grammy for best r&b song goes to… amara imani!”

the arena erupted in a loud, ear-baffling cheers as the spotlight shifted to the winner. her name was plastered across the big screen on the stage while her music filled the stage as she stood there, stunned and frozen in disbelief.

it felt surreal. she had just won her first grammy. so many days and months she had dreamt of this moment and yet she still didn’t feel prepared. she had done it.

“girl, this is your moment,” grace whispered to her quietly and amara slowly made her way to the stage. her sensations were on another end, a flying sensation running through her body. she passed many fellow stars, who congratulated her on her way and offered her beaming smiles as she made her way onto the stage.

she was instantly pulled into a hug by adele before the award was handed to her and amara took some seconds, just to breathe. the trophy was heavier than she had expected but still the proudest thing she had ever won. though as she thought about it, she noticed how it paled a bit. two years ago, she might have felt complete with it but today — she had already achieved the feeling of content and happiness.

her voice trembled slightly with emotion as she started her small thank-you speech. “hey again, i guess. oh mon dieu, this feels so surreal to me. like someone’s about to pinch me and tell me it wasn’t me. or maybe james cordon is about to jump out with a camera and that little show where they would prank people,” she joked making the audience laugh. she wiped away some tears that were threatening to roll down her cheek. “this grammy means so much to me. but it wasn’t just my work. i want to thank my family, my friends, my fans who didn’t let me down after this chaotic year that i had. that i could still do it. this is everyone’s work who believed that amara imani could do it one day. but this grammy also isn’t just for me because we all,” she continued, referring to the other nominees, “released some terrific music. and the fact i was nominated with you is a lot. i guess i just have one more thing to say and that goes specifically to my mother. mama, if you’re watching this, which you probably are… we made it. the little girl dancing in front of mirrors made it.”

once again, the audience erupted into applause, their cheers echoing for her well-deserved win. amara was still a bit paralyzed, after all she had just won a grammy in a category she had been nominated with along beyonce. her heart filled with gratitude as she saw the sea of faces that looked all happy to see her succeed. no matter if some of them were fake or not true smiles. she was the one leaving the stage with the golden trophy in her hand.

and it wasn’t the only one she would win tonight. amara couldn’t describe her feelings when she found herself on the stage again as winner of the grammy for best r&b performance. her heart raced and her heartbeat quickened as she gracefully accepted the grammy trophy in her trembling hands. everything around her seemed to fade away with overwhelming emotions and feelings rushing through her body. she felt it from her head down to her legs, that were shaking a bit. all the hard work was paying off, hours she had spent not sleeping and working instead. this was a part of her legacy now.

and what made it even more emotional was the fact that liyah was the one to have handed her the grammy. she had pulled amara into a big hug, both girls taking all their strength to not cry and ruin their makeup. they remembered the days when they were just two girls, starting university and barely managing to get by and now they stood on the stage of the grammys with one handing the other her award. the years spent on youtube, with the dream of illuminating the world with her music had finally come true. here she was, standing on the biggest stage and walking it down with her second grammy.

“i’m sooo proud of you,” grace instantly congratulated her, pulling amara into a hug again. “you did it. you showed everyone your place in the industry is the top. this all your work.”

“our work,” amara managed to squeeze out. this wasn’t just her achievement — it belonged to everyone who was somehow involved with her and the album. it belonged as much to her as it belonged to grace because without the latter, none of this would even have been possible. “we did this together.”

her mind was running at high speed with thoughts and emotions. she wanted to say so much but her voice was betraying her with words stuck in her throat. nothing could describe this feeling, this moment of pride she felt.

“let’s see our next categories,” amara and dua had gone on the stage again after a short break to continue hosting. the two had already announced the grammy for best rap album, best rap song and best country album amongst other numerous things. they entertained the audience with short playful acts and teasing that came to them naturally. and amara was smiling even more because now she stood there as a two-time grammy winner.

“but first of all, let’s hear it for adele who is going to grace us with her beautiful voice. i swear that woman just knows how to make you feel better during a breakup,” amara announced, laughing at the end of her phrase.

“and you had the hardest of all time. did you play adele on repeat?” dua went along and amara nudged her slightly. “i can imagine amara imani at home, listening to adele while filling her stomach with ice cream.”

“can you blame me? anyway let's hear it for adele.” the lights dimmed again as the curtains opened and adele appeared. the hosts left the stage quickly and took their places next to grace and liyah to listen to the british singer.

the atmosphere was beautiful, a mix of admiration and warmth as adele brightened the stage. “easy on me” was definitely one of her top songs with the way the lyrics were able to pull someone in so quickly and literally attach them to her voice. listening to adele was a journey that had to be felt in every inch of the body, it went further than just listening to it. it reminded amara again, why she looked up to adele and beyoncé so much.

the performance was nothing short of breathtaking, with her eyes recounting every detail of the song. the entire arena was left speechless again, singing quietly along but all eyes were on stage. when the final note had been sung, the room erupted into loud applause, a standing ovation that seemed to go on forever.

after adele’s performance, it was sza to take the stage and announce the winner for best pop/duo group performance. she stepped up to the microphone with a huge smile firstly expressed her love towards adele before naming the nominees again .

amara subconsciously grabbed liyah’s and grace’s hand, squeezing them both as her leg trembled a bit because of all the anticipation. “and the winner is… wow, amara imani, come get your third grammy of the night.”

the cheers were deafening and the camera turned to amara to capture her expression. grace and liyah pulled her in for a group hug, the friendship trip jumping up and down as they celebrated. she accepted hugs from stars next to her, such as taylor swift and chloe bailey before making her way to the stage. the two black artists shared a short embrace before sza stepped aside to let amara speak.

“is this normal? i mean winning one is already incredible but winning three — damn. firstly a big shoutout to cardi b because she slayed just as much as i did,” amara pointed to the female ripper and blew her extra air kisses before continuing, “okay, so big thank you again to my mother. for pushing me into the arts when i told you back then i didn’t want to. and a big thank you to my father, for sacrificing his time to accompany me to rehearsals instead of watching football — though i’m pretty sure, though i’m sure you’re not that mad about it. to my amazing fans, thank you too for putting up with me and not turning insane when everyone was labeling me as a crazy bitch.” laughter erupted throughout the arena as she paused for a moment. “thank you to my boyfriend without whom i guess this song wouldn’t exist. standard thank you to my besties grace and liyah, all those late night facetime calls were definitely worth it.”

“to all the other people who were nominated here, i loved your performances. adele, just wow and lizzo, i love you,” she blew a small kiss towards the black artist who copied the act. “and lastly before i forget, thank you to my bestie’s boyfriend charles leclerc and the amara imani protection squad. it’s lovely that you love me enough to stay up till six in the morning for me. i love you guys.”

applause erupted once more as amara finished her speech and left the stage again. she rejoined grace and liyah, giving them her grammy and sat down again. there would be a commercial break any moment, which amara wanted to use to change her dress. because the way it seemed, there was no doubt that she was the big winner of the night.

breathtaking was the only word that came to mind as amara looked at herself in the mirror. the exquisite black gown was the definition of elegance and beauty and fit amara like a second skin. it was perfect for the announcement of the award that everyone had been waiting for — the grammy for album of the year.

the dress had been a gift from versace and it reflected her beautifully. the classical mermaid dress, covered with a beautiful lacework and black crystals created an ethereal image of her.

the shoulderless dress perfectly highlighted the jewelry she was be wearing. especially the beautiful necklace, kylian had gifted her.

“wow,” liyah exclaimed as amara walked out, her eyes spotting her. “they don’t do things half-way, do they?”

amara only chuckled and did a little spin to show every angle of the dress. the gown especially showcased her décolletage and with it, her boobs that seemed to be bigger than they actually were in this dress.

“you look breathtaking,” grace appeared from behind them, having chosen to change her dress too. “gorgeous isn’t enough to describe this dress.”

“but it’s you who makes it shine,” liyah finished. “i wanna borrow that dress asap.”

amara laughed. “poor charles. you’ll drive him crazy if you ever wear that dress.”

“and don’t tell me you plan to wear it to a casual date. let’s not disrespect this masterpiece,” grace chimed in which resulted in both laughing.

liyah shrugged dismissively. “never. but the next driver’s gala, if me and charles are still going strong, why not wear it there…” she trailed off, a playful expression on her face. “make him leave earlier to take it off me… what’s for sure is that we’ll definitely not be able to christen some toilets in this.”

“liyah!” amara exclaimed and began to laugh, joined by grace who also started to laugh due to amara’s infectious smile.

“we all know i’m right though. i’m the bad bitch to his big d energy. but enough about my relationship. let’s talk about you, miss five-time grammy-award winner. no one stands a chance tonight. and don’t forget our bet,” liyah threatened in a joking way.

amara held up her hands. “don’t worry. let’s go now before i miss the last performance. and i want to see bruno mars live at least once in my life.”

the trio went back to their seats again and sat down just in time as the lights went out. amara quietly thanked taylor who complimented her outfit and send a radiant smile towards ella mai who had gushed about the dress.

the nominee’s names had all been said already along with a small introduction for each album but before they could announce the winner, they would firstly be graced with a honorary performance from bruno mars.

amara jumped up to her feet when the stage transformed into a light spectacle and bruno mars along with his usual band stepped out. the crowd erupted into screams as he launched into a medley of his greatest hits and amara found no shame in herself as she sang loudly along. and it seemed that she wasn’t the only one.

the entire arena had gotten on their feet to dance to bruno mars. they sang along to every word of ‘locked out of heaven’ screaming around out of joy. bruno mars certainly held that power — bringing together everyone and getting everybody to dance.

it felt too short as the last notes of his performance were played out and the song came to an end. amara was one of the first persons to clap, hardly being able to contain her excitement. after bruno mars performance, she felt recharged with energy again. his performance just brightened the whole atmosphere. especially because the evening was coming to an end.

it was the vibing of her phone that tore her attention away from the stage as she picked up her phone. instantly a smile appeared on her face when she saw that it was kylian and she instantly opened it. they had spoken earlier but it had been to his time, shortly before nine and amara couldn’t imagine him being awake now if it hadn’t been for her.

𝐈𝐌𝐄𝐒𝐒𝐀𝐆𝐄

amara turned around, hoping to spot kylian wherever he was hiding but it was useless since the biggest award of the night was about to be announced. she would be lying if she wasn’t nervous even though she had already won five prices that night. but the sixth would make her break history, mark her place in the music industry. she knew that this moment could change her career forever — winning six grammys in one night. and knowing that kylian was there suddenly seemed to make everything sound not as bad as it seemed.

“oh mon dieu, beyoncé is going to present the award,” liyah exclaimed, her eyes widening.

as usual, the audience clapped loudly and whistles when beyoncé took the stage, walking elegantly towards the microphone. amara felt a sort of intimidation as she looked at beyoncé, knowing what the woman in front represented. excellence, grace, talent. simply perfection.

and she was more than that for amara. she was the one to get amara into the music industry, she discovered her and made sure that her star was shining. there was a bond between them since the recording of brown skin girl — a mentor-student relationship that had made her rise.

the renowned artist began with a small recounting of how she used to stand down there and reflected shortly on how all those albums actually deserved an award. opening the envelope, beyoncé did a small double take before laughing. smiling she announced into the microphone, “and the grammy for best album of the year goes to… amara imani. congratulations!”

one second, everyone was processing what had just happened, the next amara found herself engulfed by liyah and grace and three girls were jumping up and down. a few tears of joy were streaming down her face as she celebrated, not really believing what had just happened. when the two let go, amara was pulled into hug by cardi b followed by taylor swift before she made her way upstage.

she approached the microphone slowly and tenderly embraced beyoncé who passed her the golden trophy. amara wiped away some of her tears, her head already looking for ways on how to form a sixth thank you speech. her eyes mirrored gratitude and happiness— she felt out of this world.

“congratulations amara. you just put yourself onto history,” beyoncé praised her. “i am so proud that i was your mentor and helped you get there.”

“if anything i need to thank you for even giving me a chance. for actually being there for me. thank you queen b,” she thanked the woman in front of her, who smiled at her fondly and placed her heart on her heart. “this dream became true because of you. you are so much more than just my mentor. you were my inspiration and my idol. and that will never change.”

everyone smiled softly as they watched amara imani and beyoncé share an emotional moment that was finalized with a big hug. everyone knew the little background story to them; how beyoncé has started praising a random black girl on youtube to even inviting her for a collaboration — the queen had always had her back. their bond resembled a mother-daughter bond.

after both pulled away from their hug, beyoncé left the stage and it was time for amara to hold her last thank you speech. her eyes scanned the room, where they spotted her best friends grinning teasingly at her and suddenly amara had the perfect idea.

“so the first two person that i want to say thank you are my parents. it’s because of them and their desire to give me the world that i am here. thank you to my sister for always pulling me up and backing me when i needed you. then my best friends, liyah and grace who is also my manager because honestly, i don’t know if amara imani would exist if it wasn’t for those two. they built me up, made me stronger and showed me that family was more than just blood. a big shoutout to my entire team — you did all the hard work. i just wrote the songs but you guys are the ones who spend hours and hours adjusting everything, letting everything sound perfectly and making sure that every tune is sounding the way it should. it’s more work than people think and you deserve this prideful feeling as much as me.”

a small grin made its way on her lips when she finally spotted kylian. she took a deep breath — this was the moment everyone was waiting for. millions of people were watching just to see whether she would finally uncover the mystery of her beau to the world.

“and lastly, i want to thank the love of my life who inspired me to write this entire album. kylian, this album was for you— this grammy belongs to you because all i did was just writing about the way you were loving me. about the way we loved,” she expressed, laughing as she looked him straight into the eyes. shocked gasps, whistles and whispers of astonishment erupted throughout the crowd as they followed amara’s eyes and fell onto kylian. even the cameras were zooming in to catch the revealing moment.

“thank you for going to training tiredly just because you stayed up all night, listening to me rehearsing. thank you for enduring all of my weird mood swings during the process of recording this album or organizing self-care days because you saw how tired i was. for giving me inspiration to even write this,” she wiped away a tear that had escaped, “i want to thank you for staying with me — even at my lowest and hardest times. there are so many things i want to thank you for but i doubt we have enough time for that. but one last thing: mon amour, je t’aime.”

a roar of applause, bigger than any tonight, rolled over the entire audience. everyone was clapping with smiles on their faces and the camera zoomed in on kylian’s face — everyone was excited to finally get a look at the man who had captured amara imani’s heart.

since she was scheduled to perform now anyway, amara just waited for dua to join her on stage again. grace had informed her that the winner of album of the year would be performing and in this case it had been her. and amara wanted hers to be the most memorable one from the past.

dua pulled her into a tight hug, congratulating her before announcing the nigerian singer just as tradition asked for it as the winner of the night and calling her up for her performance.

“soo… at first i thought about performing xo but honestly… i don’t feel like this song fits now and i lost a bet,” amara chuckled, “so i thought of something else. just like i promised. i do have one special request for someone.”

her eyes stared straight at him. “kylian, would you please join me on stage?”

the french striker furrowed his eyebrows, a confused expression turning up on his face as he listened to her request. his eyes darted around his surroundings, numerous celebrities encircling him. he looked at her, waiting for her to explain her request but she just nodded at him, waiting for him.

grace nudged him lightly. “go,” she motivated him and he reluctantly got up from his seat to join his girlfriend on stage, greeting some celebrities on his way up that he had met with psg before. even though he, himself, was a celebrity he felt like an outsider at the grammys, surrounded by all those stars and artists.

“want to tell me what you’ve got planned?” kylian whispered quietly, making sure his words weren’t picked up by the microphone.

“nope,” amara responded shortly. “just relax and enjoy.”

the stage lights went dark again as the music started to play in the background. just like always, when the two were together, the world around them started to blur and only they mattered. no one else fit into their blurb, everything around them just faded away.

their stare went deeper than just their iris, with their eyes going deeper than just the soul, as the music played in the back. time was frozen at the moment; they didn’t care if millions of people were currently watching them on tv — no one else mattered. this was their moment.

“‘telling everybody you’re mine and i like it, and i really hope you don’t mind i can’t fight it.” her voice was soft, tender as she sang to him, her dark-brown eyes not leaving him. her body nearly melted in his embrace, his hands steady on her waist as they swayed on the stage together. if her voice didn’t tell their love story, their eyes and the way they looked at each other definitely did. his eyes held a kind of look, elderly people often told their grandchildren about in tales: the look of love, that completely enamored look that had taken over his entire face. that innocent kind of love that had become so rare around the world. if destiny ever made them go separate ways, then faith was truly cruel.

every word hit him deeper than any ball he had ever received and went through his soul. each word was sung with a certain sincerity, vulnerability— amara was laying all of herself over for him, every of her walls. just for him.

“that we found the one in one another”

his hands were wrapped around her waist, with her back facing him as she buried her head in his shoulders, leaning back. their bodies fit like a puzzle and the feeling of comfort spread instantly while they danced slowly to the rhythm, lost in each other and the meaning of the song.

amara had never planned to actually release the song — her true and final love letter to kylian. but she had made the mistake of showing liyah and grace the unreleased song and both had instantly fallen in love with it which is how they came to the bet. and now amara was happy that she had accepted and lost the bet because the moment she was currently sharing with kylian — no money on the world could ever buy her that feeling again.

“spend my life with you, alright”

their chemistry was undeniable. even a blind man would be able to see how much in love they were. just the way they moved, perfectly synchronized with that certain amount of grace and elegance.

the french striker was definitely more than mesmerized by her. his heart belonged to her and only her. no words did justice to describe her as she sang—even angelic was not enough to describe her. and she was more than just the sun in his universe. and it was vice versa.

kylian was more to her than just her soulmate. no term in any language would ever measure up to the significance he held in her heart. nothing could ever compare to the feelings that emerged when he held her or just smile at her. the way his smile managed to drown out everything else. even memorizing it wasn’t enough anymore, she needed to see it constantly. and she had fallen in love with every flaw that he portrayed and carried. they had created a safe space around each other, that let them live like they wanted. amara had simply found her best friend in her lover; the true significance to a soul mate.

“baby, while we’re young,” amara began to sing the last verses, as the rhythm became easier and the music started to fade out. she was smiling bigly, her cheeks from hurting from its width but she couldn’t stop herself. the amount of serotonin her body was producing at the moment was too much to not show any signs of it. and it seemed kylian was feeling the same. “and walk hand in hand to the sun.”

the song officially came to an end as kylian gave amara one last spin. they both leaned in, foreheads touching as they stared at each other utterly enamored. they didn’t have to say anything, their grins were enough to communicate with each other. even as havoc broke out in the audience, with applause rushing over along with whistles and calls for more but the two did not let go of each other.

“je t’aime,” amara mouthed, exhausted but happy nonetheless.

“plus que la galaxie.” he finished, matching her facial expression.

in the end, the only time they needed was for each other. they were enough for each other, completely in love and ready to face the world together.

𝐈𝐍𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐆𝐑𝐀𝐌

𝐤.𝐦𝐛𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞

liked by amara.imani, achrafhakimi and 28.083.964 others

k.mbappe mon amour

view all 372.546 comments

username THE WAY I SCREAMED

username MY PARENTS

username i want what they have 😫

username same, like WHEN IS IT MY TURN

amara.imani je t’aime

k.mbappe 🫶🏾

username new power couple incoming

ousmanedembele finally! it was getting so hard to keep it a secret

antogriezmann talking as if you haven’t spilled it to everyone you met

username we all owe this man an apology

username FR like sorry, we were not familiar with your game

username and the caption: mon amour 😭😭

username especially because amara posted je t’aime, they’re such an iconic couple

username just looking at all those pictures, makes me cry. they look so in love

username but how were they able to keep it a secret for soo long

username mbappe scoring on and off the pitch

username MY NEW PARENTS

username same, i just want them to adopt me

achrafhakimi A HARD LAUNCH IN THIS OCONOMY

ousmane_dembele we taught him so well

jkeey4 FINALLY! NOW I CAN FINALLY HYPE HER UP IN PUBLIC

aurelientchm DANCE PARTY AT THE NEXT RESSEMBLÉ

amara.imani THE GANG IS GETTING BACK TOGETHER

paulpogba ma sister, welcome to the family officially

𝐚𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐚.𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢

liked by liyah_clark, k.mbappe and 29.754.368 others

amara.imani je t’aime

view all 172.530 comments

username i fuckin knew it

k.mbappe t’es ma reine

amara.imani mon roi

username WHAT WHAT— WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN

username i literally screamed when she hard launched her relationship yesterday

username how were we sooo blind

liyah_clark you guys are soo cute

liyah_clark i also just wanna brag that we were the first persons she told about kylian

graceywood remember when she freaked out because he kissed her on the cheek?

liyah_clark omg stop. you’re making me feel old

graceywood feels like such a long time ago when they were pining after each other

antonellarocuzzi welcome to the wag life

username oh my godd, why can’t that be me 😫

username WHAT DID WE MISS

username how the heck did kylian mbappe pull my wife?

username MAMA WHO’S THIS

landonorris the fact we were the first to know

charles_leclerc surprised you didn’t spill it immediately

pierregasly liyah threatened him to keep his mouth shut

liyah_clark accusations!

lewishamilton congratulations to you two, you make a beautiful couple

amara.imani thank u sir

#kylian mbappe #kylian mbappe x reader #kylian mbappe fluff #kylian mbappe fanfic #mon amour #amara imani #kylian mbappe imagine #kylian mbappe x black!reader #kylian mbappe x oc #kylian mbappe x black! oc #kylian mbappe x amara imani #kylian mbappe x singer! oc #kylian mbappé #kylian mbappé fanfiction #football #football fanfics #footballer x reader

169 notes · View notes

greynatomy · 2 years ago

Text

Out of Love

Elizabeth Olsen x Fem!Reader

another angsty fic. idk why but i’m always emotional on my bday and it’s my bday so you guys should be emotional with me.

idk where this came from but happy reading and lmk what y’all think

-grey

———

Lizzie and Yn have been together for three years. Best three and a half years of Yn’s life. She’s with the girl of her dreams, what more could she ask for?

For the past six months, she’s been planning something for Lizzie. Talking to many jewelers to get opinions on what ring designs. Even talked about it to your closest friend, basically a sister to you, Scarlett Johansson. In those six months, Lizzie noticed how secretive her girlfriend has been. She didn’t think anything of it at first, but every time she asks, she gets no explanation.

One day, walking to her usual coffee shop. Grabbing her coffee, she turns around, only to be hit by a force, spilling her hot coffee on them.

“Oh, shit! I’m so sorry.”

“You’re fine. I wasn’t paying atten— Lizzie?”

Elizabeth looks up.

“Robbie! Hey. How are you?”

“Soaked as of this moment.”

“I am so sorry about that.”

“It’s totally fine. It’s my fault anyway. How ‘bout I buy you another cup while we catch up?”

“I would love that.”

After that moment, they started to hang out more often. They didn’t end their relationship on bad terms years ago, so she thought, why not befriend him?

She would go over to his place, have movie nights, cook dinner and he would come over to her place whenever you were out doing whatever that Lizzie stopped questioning.

It was surprising that the paparazzi hadn’t caught them hanging out together out of the comfort and privacy of their homes.

You were out running some errands one afternoon, when you decided to get something to eat. Walking to yours and Lizzie’s favorite coffee shop, you see her sitting at a table through the window. You pull out your phone and decide to give her a call.

Lizzie hears her phone ring, seeing your name on the screen, she silences it and out it away just in time for Robbie to come back from the restroom, not knowing you were outside watching the scene play out.

“Who was that?” He asked her.

“No one important.” She replied.

You don’t think much of it, just thought that she was catching up with someone, not being able to clearly see who she was with, you went home instead.

Some time has passed. You have three weeks until your four year anniversary, meaning three weeks until you propose. You’ve picked up the ring from the jewelers and it looked even better as you hold the finished product in your hand. You’re excited and can’t wait to spend the rest of you life with Lizzie.

Going home earlier than you told Lizzie, you picked up both of your favorite takeout to surprise her with. Not seeing her as you walk in, you set up all the food at the bar, going up the stairs to cal her down. Nearing your shared bedroom, you hear an unfamiliar voice.

“Give me another chance, please.” It was a man’s voice.

“Robbie.” Isn’t that Lizzie’s ex? You ask yourself.

“I like you, hell I still love you and these past couple of months prove that you have feelings for me too. Meet me at our favorite restaurant tomorrow at six pm if you feel the same way I feel towards you.”

There’s a small pause.

“Okay.”

You couldn’t listen to anymore of the conversation. You quietly hurry down the stairs write a note and grab your keys and wallet and drive off, not having a destination in mind, just wanting to be as far away as possible.

Lizzie walks downstairs shortly after, hearing a car outside thinking it might be you. Once she gets down, she sees the table set up with food. Getting closer to the table, she sees a note.

Will be gone for a while. Don’t know how long. Don’t call.

-Yn

She throws the note away and reheat the food to eat for dinner.

Three Weeks Later

In those three weeks, Lizzie did meet up with Robbie at their favorite restaurant. They’ve been seeing each other regularly without Yn being in the way, even forgetting about her existence.

They decided to go for a long scenic drive, turning the radio on high at a popular station.

“We have some new stuff that we’re gonna be playing in a bit. One song is from an artist that has not released a song in a long time. So, without further ado this is Out of Love by Yn Yln.” Lizzie’s breath hitches and her body tenses. She hasn’t heard about her for a while.

I won't tell you I'm lonely

'Cause it may be selfish

I won't ask you to hold me

'Cause that won't mend what's helpless

There's not a thing I could say

Not a song I could sing

For your mind to change

Nothing can fill up the space

Won't ask you to stay

But let me ask you one thing

Oh, when did you fall out of love, out of love?

Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

Did you find out about her and Robbie? How did you find out? When did you find out? When did she fall out of love with you? Did she actually fall out of love with you or just filling a missing void while you were gone?

I can't float in an ocean

That's already been drained

I won't cry at your feet now

I know my tears will fall in vain

There's not a thing I could say

Not a song I could sing

For your mind to change

Nothing can fill up the space

Won't ask you to stay

But let me ask you one thing

Robbie hasn’t said a word. He knew what they were doing was wrong, but he was too caught up in finally having the girl back that he didn’t care for the consequences.

Oh, when did you fall out of love, out of love?

Oh, when did you fall out of love with me?

No use wondering

Why your change in heart has wandered

So I'll ask you this question

'Cause it might help me sleep longer

Oh, when did you fall out of love, out of love?

Oh, when did you run out of love for me?

Out of love (out of love)

Out of love with me

Lizzie was now full on sobbing. It made her remember all of the times she was with you, all the times she listened to your music and made being away from you hurt a little less. How did cheating on you suddenly become something she resorted to?

“That was Out of Love by Yn Yln. Wait, what?” The radio host mutes himself for a bit. “We’ve just received some very horrible news. Music sensation Yn Yln just passed away a couple hours ago.” Elizabeth’s world just came crashing down. She just froze, not knowing how to react to this news. “Her representatives have spoken and released a statement. Stress Cardiomyopathy or Broken Heart Syndrome, is what they said. Wow, she was so young too. That’s just crazy. Rest in peace to such a young and talented musician. She’s touched our hearts with her music. Thank you for blessing us with one last song.”

One. Last. Song.

Those words struck something in her. The song that just played was the very last one you released before you died. And it was you questioning her love for you, or lack there of. She felt guilty. You died from a broken heart. A heart that Elizabeth broke.

She never got a call about you when you passed. It seemed as though you removed her as your emergency contact. She stopped spending time with Robbie. He tried comforting her, but she didn’t want to be anywhere near her living and breathing guilt. She told him to stop contacting him and to lose all contact with her.

Leading up to the day of your funeral, dressed in all black and made her way to where you friends and family were gathered. Scarlett, seeing her come closer, stepped away from her husband.

“You have some nerve showing your fucking face here!”

Lizzie froze in her spot. All the attention was on her now.

“You don’t deserve to be here. I don’t give a fuck if you’ve been together for years because YOU are the REASON she’s GONE! GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM HERE! FUCK YOU!” Scarlett was getting pulled away by Colin. “LET GO OF ME!”

Lizzie breaks down, crying of guilt. Scarlett breaks down, crying of anger.

Lizzie eventually decides to leave, not wanting to upset Scarlett more. She knew how close the two of you were, how you passing is harder for her.

“Wait!” She turns back around seeing Scarlett walk to her with a box. “These are go you. You don’t deserve any of it, but she wanted me to give this to you. I don’t know if she knew of her dying, but she knew she wasn’t gonna see you anymore.”

With that, she drives back to you shared home with all the horrible memories with Robbie and the fainted ones with you.

Opening the box she notices three things. A letter, a flash drive and a small velvet box. Opening the velvet box, she sees a beautiful emerald ring. Knowing instantly the meaning of this ring, tears flood out of her eyes. Unfolding the paper it reads…

Lizzie,

If you’re reading this, then Scarlett thought that it was a good time to give it to you. I don’t even know where to start.

Well, I found out. I came home early to surprise you with our favorite takeout and went upstairs to call you down for dinner and overheard your conversation with Robbie. I wanted to know if you went through with his deal and you did so I am writing this as a goodbye to our relationship or not a relationship anymore I guess and to you.

In the flash drive, there’s a song I wrote—

Putting the letter down, Lizzie quickly grabs her laptop and plugs in the dive. She sees one file. She clicks on it and a song plays.

(it’s Emerald Eyes by Anson Seabra you don’t have to play it, just the song I had in mind)

—and it was supposed to be played right before I got on one knee and asked you to spend the rest of our lives together.

(You know how much I love your eyes, so I decided to write a whole song about how they make me feel.)

But, that won’t be happening anymore. After four years of us being together, you still weren’t over Robbie. I just wish that you broke it off with me before getting back together with him. Make it hurt a little bit less.

The ring is something I’ve been working on or working with people on. Took six months. It’s why I was always gone and secretive, which ultimately made you go to another so this whole thing is actually my fault. I drove you away and I’m sorry for me, but glad that you found your way back to the person you love even if that’s not me.

Im just rambling on paper now. I won’t be coming back for any of my clothes or anything. Only took the essentials so you can throw everything out. This is goodbye, I guess. I love you. I always will even if you don’t love me back.

Forever yours,

How can you blame yourself for her infidelity, she asks herself. You loved her so much that you couldn’t even point the blame at her.

She wishes there was a way to apologize to you. To tell her everything she did was a mistake. Most importantly, she never fell out of love with you. You understood and loved her like no other. She’ll never find anyone to love her like how you loved her, not even Robbie could love her like you did.

She was too late. She can never gain back the time to be with you again, not even for a minute. You were gone, believing she fell out of love.

Lizzie took the ring out of the box and slid it on her finger.

“I do.”

But it’s too late.

#elizabeth olsen x reader #elizabeth olsen imagines #elizabeth olsen imagine #elizabeth olsen #scarlett johansson imagine #wanda maximoff imagines #wanda maximoff x reader #wanda maximoff #wanda x reader #elizabeth olsen oneshot #scarlet witch

514 notes · View notes

lassify · 1 month ago

Text

Psychological & Psycho-Educational Concepts in 'Inside-Out 2'

(I know, this is basically coming out of nowhere. I do humbly apologise 😂)

I am such a huge fan of the Inside-Out movies, and I was so excited to go and see the sequel in cinemas – and I have to say, it did not disappoint. The writers and the creators REALLY did their research, which showed up so clearly in so many exciting ways.

If you will indulge me, I would love a moment of your time to bring attention to each of the psychological and psychoeducational concepts alluded to, referred to, and discussed in Inside Out 2:

Emotional messages

Something that the first film did perfectly, was introducing the idea that every emotion exists to communicate a message. Emotions are quite literally messages from the brain, giving us information about the environment and situations around us:

The above are some of the more important emotions when it comes to survival, but I suspect that Ennui was added for comedy (they were a great addition, in fairness!), and Envy was added to remind the viewer of a key part of the teenage experience; the importance of fitting in, and belonging to a ‘tribe’.

From an evolutionary perspective, it is extremely important for all humans to be part of a ‘tribe’. Banding together led to the best chances of survival; from protecting each other from predatory tigers (and other tribes), to sharing resources and food with each other.

Therefore, we have developed emotions like Shame/Embarrassment and Envy to help motivate us to remain part of the tribe. At the core, all our brain wants is for us to survive.

Fear vs Anxiety

When the second film was announced, along with the character Anxiety, I admit that I initially offered criticism of this, based on the fact that anxiety is very much a subset of fear.

But Anxiety perfectly explained that Fear appears based on the things that can be seen, whereas Anxiety is the fear of things that can’t be seen.

Anxiety was very convincing in her justification that she “plans for the future”, convincing both the characters and the audience that she really did know better for Riley, when actually, we have to remind ourselves that while our brains can be good at coming up with potential scenarios to prepare for, our thoughts are not facts.

Let me say that again: thoughts are not facts.

This was brilliant to see on screen, because anxiety can almost make us feel like we are predicting the future, when in fact, our brains may be ‘catastrophising’. Inside Out did a great job of showing us catastrophising in action, when it showed Anxiety putting a lot of mind-workers to the task of thinking up dozens of worst case scenarios. She justified it by saying that she wanted Riley to be ‘prepared’ and ‘happy’, but Joy herself knew that it was harmful because it stopped Riley from getting any sleep!

Window of Tolerance

This is concept is very widely used in Emotional Literacy 101, so I won’t give a full explanation of this, because it can get long and confusing, but you can watch a brilliant video explanation here.

In short, the “Window of Tolerance” is a psychoeducation term to describe the internal ‘window’ in which we can tolerate uncomfortable emotions and sensations. This window is sometimes also known as the ‘Green zone’, where we can think rationally, react calmly, and make decisions. (Note: It does not necessarily mean that being in the Green Zone makes us happy or calm, just that we can tolerate our more unpleasant emotions.)

If a situation is too uncomfortable or distressing, this can take us outside of our Window of Tolerance, and we will automatically either be in ‘Fight or Flight’ (what psychologists would call the ‘Red Zone’) or ‘Freeze’ mode (otherwise known as ‘Blue Zone’).

When the builders moved into Riley’s mind and updated the console, this very much narrowed Riley’s Window of Tolerance, which meant that it was harder for her to tolerate her emotions: A button pressed by Anger turned into instant rage. Sadness accidentally activated a state of despair. And Disgust turned into actual loathing.

Although not explicitly named in the film, I loved the allusion to the Window of Tolerance, illustrating just how uncomfortable emotions can become when we reach puberty, and highlighting that every teenager is learning to adjust their Window of Tolerance.

Helpful vs Unhelpful emotions

This was such a small mention in the film, but I loved it anyway. Joy tried to reassure the basic emotions about Anxiety’s presence by saying “I know sometimes they can feel unhelpful...”, before noting that she managed to improve her understanding of Sadness.

When giving psychoeducation about emotion management, we always try to move away from viewing emotions as positive/negative, and more towards helpful/unhelpful, because the truth is that emotions can be more or less helpful depending on the situation and what the message of the emotion is telling us.

Imagine we are in a dark forest at night – this is when fear would be really helpful! By keeping us alert and on our toes, we can be better prepared for any potential danger. The same can be said for waiting for an interview – a little dose of anxiety can actually help us perform better in stressful situations (look up the Yerkes-Dodson curve).

An emotion stops being helpful when it starts to cause harm to us, or when it doesn’t match the situation that we are in. For example, going food shopping in the supermarket, when we are suddenly struck with overwhelming anxiety, that stops us from being able to get food. In this situation, it is wholly unhelpful, because it stops us from functioning in a normal way.

In Inside Out 2, Anxiety became an unhelpful emotion, because she stopped Riley from sleeping, from enjoying her favourite hobby, and created a panic attack.

Beliefs

This concept is popularly used in Cognitive Behavioural Therapy: Whether they are aware of it or not, everybody has subjective beliefs about themselves, the world, and other people around them, and these beliefs would have been entirely formed by experience and development.

For example, a child who grows up in an environment that is healthy and safe, with parents who are loving and nurturing, will have formed generally positive beliefs about themselves, others, and the world around them:

I am good. I am strong. I am worthy. I am loveable.

Others are good natured. Others can help me. Others are trustworthy.

The world is a good and fair place.

These form part of our core beliefs.

In contrast, when a child grows up in an unstable environment, doesn't often get their needs met, and their parents are inconsistent and unreliable, their core belief system will adapt to integrate these beliefs into their understanding of the world. This is also the case for children who grow up in abusive environments, whose parents may even be overtly harmful or destructive, and this will creative adaptive beliefs:

I am bad. I am weak. I am unworthy. I am unlovable.

Others can’t be trusted or relied on. Others can hurt me.

The world is unjust and unfair, and isn’t a safe place.

(Image is from Beck's Cognitive Triad)

Joy took Sadness and the viewers on a journey to the Core Belief system, and even showed a few examples of Riley’s positive self-concept (“I am a good person”).

However, when Anxiety flooded the Core Belief system with hand-picked memories from Riley’s more anxious moments, Riley’s core belief system adapted, and created a new core belief: “I’m not good enough.”

In Riley’s case, she does have strong attachments with her parents, and with her friends, but in that time frame where her strong attachment to her friends was threatened, even Riley was susceptible to developing negative self-beliefs.

I personally loved this touch, because it really just goes to show how complex and multi-faceted human beings are. There are no people who are just ‘positive’ or just ‘negative’, but instead we all have a mix of core beliefs working together to create our sense of self.

Attachment

I touched on this briefly when talking about Core Beliefs, but attachment theory is an important framework to understand child development and human interpersonal relationships. Overall it’s a huge topic and I won’t go into too much detail on it (you can read more here), but in both Inside Out films, it is very clear that Riley has a strong and secure attachment to her parents - as evidenced by her resilient and positive self-concept.

I enjoyed that even though Riley demonstrates a secure attachment style (you can read about the different styles here), she is still susceptible to negative core beliefs: this is reflective of how humans are, that nobody is perfect, no parenting style is immune to outside influence, and it is still possible to carry both positive and negative self-concepts no matter what style of attachment we may have.

However, I will emphasise that secure attachment by itself is also a protective factor for developing a healthy self-concept.

Psychology jokes

Just for fun, because I like it and/or they made me laugh:

Emotional baggage: Anxiety arrived to headquarters carrying mountains of suitcases.

Bottling up emotions: When Anxiety literally puts Joy, Anger, Sadness, Disgust and Fear into a bottle to repress them.

Brain Storm: self-explanatory, and oh so fun.

Sar-chasm: self-explanatory, and comedic genius.

Overall I really enjoyed both the Inside Out films, but Inside Out 2 is a masterpiece of bringing psychological concepts to the everyday audience. It’s so clear how much love and work they put into the film. It made me cry - and to me, that’s equivalent to a 10/10 rating.

Anyway, that's all from me. Go and watch Inside Out 2. 🥰💖 You won't regret it!

#I'm sorry to all the people who follow me just for sxf #this just got me so interested i swear #thank you for accepting my ramblings #i love talking about this stuff #psychology #inside out #inside out 2 #inside out psychology #look sometimes jstuff just takes over my brain until I have to get it out somehow #im sure you understand #psychoeducation

13 notes · View notes

robin1729 · 10 months ago

Text

living in the moment ft. my dad

I have always had my head in the clouds, a little bit? I have spent my entire life lost in stories. It started with those magazines they have for kids. Champak, Magic Pot, Tinkle. Then it moved to novels for kids. Secret Seven, Famous Five, anything Enid Blyton really. Then Fantasy. Percy Jackson, Harry Potter, Artemis Fowl. Then as we grew older, the classics. Pride and Prejudice, Oliver Twist, Black Beauty. I was the kid who always had his nose in a book. In our substitute periods, my friends would be calling my name and I simply wouldn't hear them because that's how engrossed I was. I would be walking down the stairs with my head in a book and people would warn me that I am going to fall, and I would tell them (with a bit of pretentious snobbiness, I have to admit) that I had been doing this shit since I was 6.

Then came college, and like a lot of people I shifted to shows and movies. How I met your mother, Parks and Recreation, New girl. The same thing happened. My eyes were now always glued to my phone screen. I watched with so much concentration and watched the same things so many times I ended up memorising entire 9 season long shows. I started narrating movies dialogue-by-dialogue in front of my friends.

My dad didn't help either. He had to see every movie that came out. If too many movies came out in a month, he would bring pirated CDs for 50 rupees each and we would watch them on our tv. He would randomly come in his car in the evenings when me and my brother would be playing with our friends, roll down his windows, and say "Get in the car, we are going to the theater." Our friends would watch with childish jealousy as we just randomly up and went to see a movie. We wouldn't even check what was in the theaters that week. We would just get there and sit for whatever was starting in the next 15 minutes. I have seen so many sequels without watching the original?

Somewhere in all of this, I think I lost some sense of reality. I would be writing novels in my head. And no, not just outlines. I would be sitting on the dining table, writing them in my head sentence-by-sentence as I ate my food, mouthing dialogues that my characters would speak in the way they would speak them and not realise what I was doing until my brother pointed it out. That must have been creepy for him, to say the least. Suddenly I am 23 and life is more complicated than in any book, show, or movie I had ever read or seen. People on LinkedIn talking about the best investments and wanting to build careers and customer service strategies and I find it so hard to care sometimes??

Why can't I just be happy that my friend Hagrid has come back from Azkaban where he was wrongfully imprisoned for being the heir of Slytherin and that Gryffindor has won the house cup again? But noooo, I have to make excel sheets, and powerpoint presentations, and think of the best way to automate our processes. The real world is so, so boring.

My dad, somehow though, lives in both these worlds. He still watches every hindi movie and show that comes out. But never gets too attached. He really just watches them for simple entertainment and then doesn't get obsessed??? what a maniac?? He doesn't even remember plots of movies he saw two weeks back. And I remember movies I saw when I was 15 like I saw them yesterday. Whenever we talk, I want to talk about astronomy, and philosophy. About how tiny and insignificant we are in space and time, about thought experiments. And he never has anything to say about any of those things. He just nods and listens. "I don't really think about this stuff," he says. He has experienced way more stories than I have, and yet his head stays on the ground. If it's not something that affects him here and now, in the real world, he doesn't wanna hear about it. Who cares if wormholes can exist or not, when it's not affecting his life in any way?

And like, I get it. Life already throws so many things in your way; why add to it, right? He keeps his head clear, focuses only on the present, and on what is directly in front of him. A simple man. And on some level, I admire that. And I have been trying to be like that. But I don't want to lose my passion for stories, for things like the universe and different theories of ethics.

There's this very young businesswoman and internet personality I admire, and she is a great speaker. She always comes across as very confident and very sure of herself. And she was asked in an event how she deals with any failures or setbacks. And she said that she has learnt to regulate her emotions, so that she doesn't get too happy when something goes her way, and she doesn't get too sad when something doesn't.

Isn't that... kind of sad? It broke my heart, to be honest. I wanna be madly happy when something goes my way, dude. I wanna party and feel like I am on top of the world and that I am invincible. Moderating your emotions sounds like dulling the human experience.

Like always, I don't know what the answer is. But right now I am a little tired of feeling too much, of thinking too much. So I am going to try my dad's approach for a while, and let you know how it goes.

24 notes · View notes

castlebyersafterdark · 9 days ago

Note

i was thinking about why sexual aspects of a relationship between byler shown on screen would be deemed unwholesome by many

imagine them saying they want to hold hands and kiss and go to the movies and be together, and people are like awww, and then when will starts admitting he has sexual fantasies people would get like oooop

i think because there's little guilt in watching and enjoying watching a couple be 'wholesome' and enjoy each others company, but enjoying watching a couple be sexually intimate treads over into voyeurism, because it's something that is supposed to be private between that couple only (barring kink etc, but thats a peripheral preference that is not elemental to all human sexual expression). so basically the viewer is forced to become aware that they are not involved in this, and are just watching, in a way they wouldnt feel awkward when just seeing a couple being happy day to day 'wholesomely'.

food for thought about why storytelling causes such controversy too: does the very act of being an audience member makes one a voyeur? i'm not sure, because stories exist to be watched while voyeurism can be about the thrill of looking when you're not supposed to or people dont know you are. but i think plenty of people are more comfortable with experiencing their own experiences than living vicariously through those of others, be that reading a book or watching a show. and if they accidentally find themselves ENJOYING watching something, like two characters having sex? woah woah woah, that says ALL kind of things about that person! must be a perv! ew!

for me personally, i don't consider myself an active voyeur when watching things because i am too immersed in the show to even be aware i exist lol. it was only when i came to fandom and saw people fretting about finding a sex scene uncomfortable because of what it would say about them to enjoy it that i started thinking about this topic.

it's also why i dont really care for foah judgemental-ness. i like foah - i noticed their dynamic years before joining fandom, and i dont feel like my identity or personhood is threatened by enjoying it, or enjoying byler, or wanting to see byler get down together when theyre clearly gagging for it and it would be so so so healing for them - and for us, too, cos lets face it: every byler missed out on SOMETHING once upon a time and is living vicariously some way, somehow, through them. you don't end up this deep in fandom if that's not the case; you just don't.

byler is catharsis.

what do you think, vinny?

Very interesting perspective!

No, I definitely don't agree that viewership is inherently of voyeur and unwilling subject when it comes to these things, so therein I believe I agree with you - art and creation is to be viewed. To entertain, inform, engage, etc. You're supposed to watch. That's what movies and television are for - and not everything is for everyone. There is a culture of guilt and shame right, topics we've all gone in circles about. I think you outlines it well and there are several other asks I'll get to or have gotten to about all of this sexuality in media conversation.

I like the idea posed here that fans of Byler have all missed out on something. Breaking it down for what that means to me or at least how I view things, because I can only truly speak for myself:

Representation People want to see themselves as a part of a story, on the screen, recognized as a part of the big picture of life. We are here. You are here. We exist. Different human stories all deserve to be told. We haven't really had a story like that of Mike and Will. So those who see themselves in these characters, or even so different, but want to see characters like this - how perfect. And for those who are not like Mike and Will and their story - it's important to see stories NOT identical to our own and to sympathize or just be entertained and let ideas into their lives for a little while.

Will and Mike are characters living in an era where a story like theirs (albeit without the supernatural aspect) was not impossible, a work of fiction, unrealistic. It's not a story that gets to be told. Boys fell in love with other boys. Childhood best friends struggled with feelings and family issue and identity and sexuality - there were real people who lives this. Many of these boys grew up into men and didn't make it. Some did. The importance of this show for both aspects there. Bringing mainstream something not common, but authentic.

Living Vicariously What do we like in our favorite characters? Why do they resonate? Will and Mike are relatable, to many peolpe. And you don't have to have been a young gay guy in the 80s to relate. Maybe you're just a nerd or a person with sexuality issues or a person who had a group of friends like the party or wanted a group of friends like that. Something stuck to you. Or, you just think they're neat. That's still relatable.

I like Will and Mike because while far from 1:1 parallels, I see traits of mine in them. I love stories about groups of friends like that, love watching this show because they're best friends and I'm rooting for them to make it. Because I wish I had a group of friends like the party so it's fun to watch, I'm emotionally attached, I feel the nostalgia factor.

Storytelling Big time reason - I just like the story. I think the show presented a compelling narrative. It has succeeded in getting me to want to see how Will and Mike's stories end up. I'm invested as a fan of romance and as a fan of horror and supernatural elements in stories. It's entertainment!! Sometimes it doesn't even have to be that deep. There was something missing in my need to be entertained and in Byler and in Stranger Things, something was found and has been fulfilled.

You're right, overall. Byler is catharsis.

#Queued

5 notes · View notes

jhrutvija · 7 months ago

Text

Love people think they know, but they don't unless they've read about it and i've read about it, I still read about it in the books, the words flow so smoothly on the paper bleeding hearts writing what love is or how painfully beautiful it is, I read how hurting it feels but its the flavors of hurt so tasteful on your tongue, it’s like a beggar eating something sweet for the first time after starving for food almost the entirety of his life ,it feels like a cold breeze of air on your face after living in the dessert since birth , its hurting but a hurting that’s magnificent in a way it feels raw but so much more alive at the same time and they write it all so perfectly on a paper describing it in the words that your heart calls out on those words saying “Yes… I understand what they feel, I understand it all”. Love, everyone thinks is simple and easy but it's so much more hideously painful, utterly raw , like needles pricking your skin , a fire that has a capacity to burn you alive in the best way possible. It's anything but soft simple and easy, if you feels it’s that easy and simple means it's not love its either like or lust or merely just a blooming friendship nothing more .Unless you are entirely hurting from inside out whilst being happy it’s not love .Like conveys easily, it spreads easily, unlike love, so yes I know what love is and I feel lucky to have been experiencing it but the surprising part is I never had it before until now, I had thought it only existed in books and movies just a mere ink on paper but God, were those words real and truthful each and every single one of them because Yes I have been burning in Love and loving every single bit>

It's exactly how they say it is , it's like asking for their wellbeing first over yourself ,having joy in their smile, their laughter, their peace, their beauty goes way beyond you know you're in love when the moon itself feels bland and boring in front of them it's the sense of drowning in their eyes and the feeling of being lost while listening to their voice , it all becomes them rather than a you, it's all painful and destroying but I would rather be destroyed by this pain than be kept away from them , because I would rather face death than be kept away from them even for a rare fleeting moment, i would rather drink the hurt smiling than spend another second in the asylum of my lonely mind where i am sentenced as a prisoner for life, till death do us apart.

I find it so unwittingly funny How my life takes such a 360 where I was just existing one second and living the next and the sole reason is them. People say this is just me coping up with my loneliness trying to find attention from someone and name it love but how do i tell them that my heart runs wild at their single smile or my body feels light knowing they are laughing somewhere around the world and existing how do i tell them that their mere existence makes me want to live. For so long my will for living has been dead but one fleeting glance from them convinced me how beautiful life can be when i only thought of suffocation when i thought of life .It’s been so long living in this prison i had forgotten what warmth felt like how do I tell them that this isn't some infatuation or attachment when in reality all they brought me back to life, this reminds me about a very beautiful yet painful line Mohmoud Darwish wrote, he says, ‘They asked me Do you love her to death?’ and I answered smiling “Talk about her over my grave and watch her bring me back to life” how beautifully he worded each and every letter to dig out the meaning over what love is and how it feels like, so tell me how do I explain that it's not my loneliness speaking it's my heart singing which had been mute for so long that I'd forgotten what whispers felt like but just one glance towards them had it singing so loud that the voices in my head turned down to the point I feel silence and peace for the first time in my life .Maybe I do have severe attachment issues just like a homeless person living in the cold street has with the blanket gifted to him by God to help him feel some warmth over the dark frightening cold winters ,so I like to think God took pity over me and gifted them to me when I'd been feeling the wrath of my dark empty yet full of ferocious but cold mind which had been eating me alive every single and no one knew what it was like when I was smiling to my loved ones and not able to express the turmoil I go through everyday in that cold prison so God thought it's enough to be tortured by one’s own mind so much that he gifted them to me and I would like to thank him everyday praying that I get to cherish this gift every moment so I don't let them see the true darker shadier parts of me and drag them in my endless void .I pray that I keep them at bay from my darkness and somewhat return the sunshine they have cast upon me. This feels so much better than what I feel most days because part of the days of my week feels so numb that I don't even remember those days ending and when the sleep takes over and pulls me and I wake up and repeat that cycle again or how some days are so loud that sleep feels so far away but death so close it feels like I'll go dead over the loud creaky noise constantly mocking me how lonely it feels in that cell but all of this have tamped down to a point I can appreciate life, the nature's beauty surrounding me, it's like a big stained glass been taken off of my face and I can truly see the world around me clearly rather than just shutting my eyes off and listening to the chaos happening within me day and night.

People think I might kill myself if I ever lose them but how do I tell them that even in this dark void I've created around me I've found solace in it and that just the thought of death scares me to the point I feels safe in this chaos .So the answer to that question is ,if they ever decided to leave me I'll spend rest of my life just existing and living at the same time because thanks to them they added the living part in my existing so I will be existing in this darkness cherishing the sunshine they left with me and loving them for the rest of days till the darkness takes over me , swollows me whole and drags me in a solemn sleep of peaceful nothingness……….

~hrutvija

#book quotes #book review #bookworm #books #poetry #prose #english literature #libraries #literature #academia #bookish #love #romance quotes #romance #romantic #love quotes

15 notes · View notes

reedeemable · 2 months ago

Text

I’m venting here cause I have no where else to do it.

I want to die so bad, so fucking bad.

I wish I was never born. My whole life I’ve been pushed aside, forgotten, ignored and why wouldn’t I be? I have nothing to offer. Nothing.

I’ve been bullied since I entered school and I deserved every second of it. I was a weirdo. No knowledge of social cues whatsoever. No grasp on how to handle my emotions. Why would anyone want to be friends with me?

20+ years on this earth not a single friend. Not one. Not fucking one.

I can’t socialise properly because years of bullying made sure I never talk to much in fear of making a fool of myself.

And when it comes to romance, I know that I’m going to die alone. I’ve never once been found attractive. I have nothing to offer as a partner.

All I want is for someone to love me as me. Despite my flaws, despite my insecurities, I want devotion, adoration, appreciation, everything I was denied all my life but I’m never going to get it.

I know that I’m going to die alone. I know it. I’m trying, I really am but I literally have no one.

Every night these thoughts plague me and I can’t stop them. The only thing I can do is cry so hard that I make myself want to vomit.

I have no friends, no family, the social skills of a brick wall. I have so many thoughts and feelings and such a strong need to reach out but it feels like I’m walking through this world alone. It feels like I’m invisible.

I want to kill myself. If I had an easy way out, I would have died already but I’m a coward. A loser. I’m too scared to risk it in case I live and knowing my luck I will cause life likes to screw me that way.

I’m sitting in a bathroom at work typing this cause all I want to do is find any way to end it and believe me, I’ve fantasised about them all. Bleach, carbon monoxide, slitting the wrists, jumping off a bridge. If it exists, I’ve imagined it.

What do I do? I’m sick of being told things will get better cause I know they won’t.

Life isn’t a movie. Plenty of people have killed themselves. I’m not special. I’m not meant to be alive. I’m just too much of a coward to make the call.

Not once, not ever have I met anyone like me. Anyone with the same interests, anyone who gets me. The closest I ever got was going to a con once and even then, those people they didn’t even like me.

Maybe the problem is me. Maybe I’m just too ugly, too awkward, too much of a loser to ever find a connection.

I just want the pain to stop, the thoughts to go away and ending it is the only way but for some stupid reason, my brain has hope. I still have 000000000.1 whatever fucking hope that I’m just over-exaggerating, that I’m just being a drama queen and I’ll get the happy ending that I want.

But again, life isn’t a movie. I’m not the protagonist. I’m not the centre of the world. I’m not special. There’s no reason for me to be happy.

Millions of people die every day and every one of those days, I wish that I could just be one of them. I wish a bus would hit me, I wish I could choke on some food, I wish I could have an aneurism.

I wish something would happen to stop this.

I’m not religious but if there is a god, he is definitely keeping me alive to torment me.

I just wish one day I could go to sleep and never wake up. I’m sick of waking up.

I wish I had the courage to get up right now, drive to the nearest bridge or building or whatever and throw myself right off it.

I have no one who loves me. The closest I’ve got to any human connection is the people who’ve reached out on here but what does that matter?

I have the social skills of a paper bag. I can’t talk to people. I can’t be social or friendly. I talk like a stilted robot.

People can tell me that I matter all they want but they’re not here. They’re not with me. They’re not here talking about shared interests or going places with me.

Every day I wake up, I’m alone. Every night I go to sleep, I’m alone. Every time I go out into public, I have to see all of these people who have families and friends and know that I’ll never be one of them.

Half of me is filled with anger, anger at these strangers for daring to have what I can never and the other half doesn’t blame them cause it’s not their fault.

It’s mine. It’s mine for being the product of two crackheads who were stupid enough to reproduce.

I feel like a dog who has outlived their life and needs to be put out of their misery. I’ve lived too long. This needs to end now. I need to go. I need to leave and fade away from this world.

I’m not even sorry. It feels like the natural solution. I don’t want to die. To be honest, I’m scared of not existing but it’s not up to me. I need to die. I don’t belong in this world.

No one will ever want to be my friend cause I can’t talk to people. I can’t socialise properly. I don’t instigate conversation. I can’t. The years of bullying have taken that ability out of me.

I need someone who will instigate conversation until I am comfortable enough to be myself but be honest, who wants a friend like that?

No one will ever love me. No one will ever want to hug me or kiss me or love me cause I’m just this unattractive, ugly, disgusting excuse for a human being who has nothing to offer.

This was originally a vent post but I want it to be a goodbye. I want to stop existing, stop thinking, I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

What do I do? I’m sick of being told things will get better cause they won’t. And by people who aren’t even by my side? How does that help?

I wish suicide was legal and assisted cause some people aren’t meant to be alive. Suicidal people aren’t selfish. The ones who want them to live are.

Yeah, you keep them alive but for what, so you feel better? What about the pain that we have to live with. We have to keep trekking through our days just so you don’t feel guilty?

I’m so angry, so hurt, so sad. I just want to go. Please just let me die. Please, I’m done thinking, done crying. Literally no one in this world can help me.

The only I could live is if I was loved but I’ve never been loved for who I am. Not once and I believe, I know deep down in my heart that it will never come.

The only people who share my interests aren’t even by my side and the one time I did get to meet them, I made an embarrassing ass out of myself as always.

I don’t even know why I’m venting. It won’t fix anything. I’m just going to post this, people are going to say “don’t die, life is so beautiful, blah blah blah” (newsflash, it’s not) and I’m going to keep going through my days until I finally reach my breaking point and end it.

Do you know how lonely it is to have all of these thoughts that you can’t share cause you can’t talk to people or the people in your life don’t care?

Do you know how lonely it is to go to public places and see everyone else with their friends and families while you have nobody.

Billions. Billions of fucking people on this planet and I have nobody. Not one. Do you understand how fucked up that is?

Why should I stay alive? Fuck it, I should just end it. I’m so sick of feeling this way. These thoughts, this unlovable dna needs to die with me.

#personal #not deleting later cause I won’t be around to do it

5 notes · View notes

mangogemm · 2 years ago

Text

💌 Introduction...

I've always been terrible at introductions. Always wondering what should I say, is this too much? Too less? Hence I've never had bio/introduction on any social platform. But Tumblr is different. It's just been a week since i joined but I've never loved any platform so much. Tumblr feels like a safe home... where i don't have to think too much about what to say. The best part is everyone here is like that...and it's beautiful honestly. The raw, genuine, chaotic, honest side of people here is what I love. Okay enough bakbak now I'll start with the introduction...

So hello, I'm Ekta :)

I'm 21. मराठी मुलगी haha ❤️ A computer science graduate. I'm the eldest daughter 🌚

@mainsamayhoon is my little sister who has a twin brother. And I love these two little munchkins more than anything in my life. God has made up for all the shitty things in my life by sending them as my siblings.

Not just these two. I am so so blessed to have amazing people in my life who are just so dear to me I can't even begin to describe it in words. @maybeicebreaker being one of them. I love this girl so much. sister from another mother fr. Also I love her mom 😭 who basically treats me like her daughter. Then there's @imacrickthing who's my baby. One more light in my life. She's my niece who's just 5 years younger to me lol. (Indian families be weird like that) I'm technically her आत्या lol. But we're more like besties only. Also love her mom who's my second mom basically. My वहिनी. And just like these cuties i have many more cuties in my life who just make me so happy. Who make life worth living. And I'm beyond grateful to have them.

Here are some things that I love, cause Mother Taylor Swift said "you are what you love" -

As you must have guessed. Miss Taylor Swift.

Sunsets. 🌅

Music, Movies, Stories.. 💌 ( fav movie : Interstellar )

Food 🤌 specially आईच्या हातच. Big fan of पुरणपोळी.

This beautiful beautiful universe.

Some random facts about me -

I'm an introvert. But I love talking to people :) first meets are usually super awkward for me but when I get comfortable i won't shut up lol. Also, love listening to people. So if anyone wants to rant, vent, talk about random shit...feel free to text me ;)

I'm very very emotional. And honestly I love that about myself. Sure, I am sensitive and I get hurt easily...but i also get to experience all the good emotions on that same level. So chalta hai :)

A hopeless romantic all my life 🎶 haha. Won't be able to describe how much i LOVE love. It's the most beautiful thing to ever exist and it's such an honour we get to experience it. काफ़ी प्यारी चीज़ है प्यार।

I love comedy lol. I spend most of my time watching comedy. Some of my favourites are - Rahul subramanian, kanan gill, kenny Sebastian.

That's enough ig. That's me. Maybe I'll add more things in future. Let's see. For now that's all.

On this blog you'll just find random shit posts, me dumping my silly thoughts, sometimes posting something wise being pretentious, do-tin fukat ke advice, rona dhona...Blah blah. So make yourself at home if that's your kinda stuff 🥰

If you read all this, Thank you for your time :) I appreciate it cute human <3

#introductory post #this is me #nice to meet ya

20 notes · View notes

dirtyvulture · 10 months ago

Note

😎 My nephew was born at 2:02 AM on April 12 ( so he is two days old) at 8 pounds, 2 ounces and 20. 5 inches. Both my sister and baby are doing great and are perfectly healthy!!!!!! It is important to state that my sister and her family live in a place that is 2 hours behind us so I woke up at 4 in the morning ish with the news that my Nephew was born ….. if I HAD to be woken up at 4 in the morning THAT is the reason I WANT to be woken up for . He has been brought home and their dogs have just FALLEN IN LOVE with him ( they have two dogs and a cat) .

Auto correct continues to be the BANE of my existence and continues to target ME SPECIFICALLY ( I KNOW my ass can’t spell but you don’t have to come at me ALL THE TIME😭) and makes dumb little mistakes in the posts . I know everyone knows what I mean but it still BOTHERS me ok !!!! Some thoughts turned into Soo thoughts. MCU was changed to MUC .

Of course I am giving you love for your fic , you deserve it and I am super excited for part two :)

It’s …… funny how this woman is doing and taking part of behaviors that do and act the EXACT same way as man ( being kinda of a jerk or kinda a asshole , for example CEO R! is doing things - sleeping with whatever moves and being that asshole or jerk - and acting EXACTLY LIKE Tony Stark ) but NO ONE bats an eye when a man does it. And R is CLEARLY an intellectual and talented woman but because she is a woman people can’t see her talent and strengths ….. they only see her flaws. I was talking with my friend and we were like ….. Yelena 100 percent helped Nat with her getup and makeup ( Yelena is a fashion icon after all ) . We also decided that Yelena wasn’t at the event, she was at home chilling in her pjs with Kate watching movies and binge watching tv. Nat planned and did everything out on her own and didn’t tell ANYONE ( ESPECIALLY her parents or little sister) about what she did that night.

SB 100 percent carried Nat( while she was still sleeping and they were able to keep her from waking up ) out of the chair with their in law following SB out of the hospital to let Sarah rest and sleep. Nat woke up in the car so the group of three just went out to breakfast for food and coffee. Yes Sergeant Romanoff was very impressed and feral for SB the whole time ….. poor golden retriever never saw it coming ( they were sleeping for a LONG TIME afterwards and Nat hooked them up with liquid IV ) . That brings me to my next point , I had a discussion with my friend and we were talking about . What if Nat can’t get pregnant ? What if she had an injury while she was on duty/ deployment ( that injury / the mission she was on was what got her the promotion and the rank she has now ) . She didn’t need to know nor cared about if she could kids then , but with SB ……

R has a lot of dexterity in her hands ( in more ways than one , one of which Nat is VERY HAPPY WITH 😏😏😏) and I did a quick history google search and found out ( from wiki so take this with a grain of salt) that nail ciphers were invented in 1881 . So she probably used a pocket knife ( think young victor in the Wolverine Origins opening except R isn’t making her nails into claws, she is just cutting them) for a really long period of time and if she didn’t have a pocket knife then she would use her claws. But yeah if Nat panic and stop R from cutting her nails with her claws , R just looks at her saying “ what ? I lost my clippers and don’t have my pocket knife…… I am not making my nails into claws . I am NOT a psychopath.”

Ps I hope I can see my nephew in the earliest time too . Whenever I talk about him for future reference , I will just be calling him “ Buddy” . Obviously not his real name but the name I will call him here .

(I have to apologize for responding to your most recent message first when you sent this one before, my drafts are a mess lol)

Very excited and happy for you and your family, friend! 🥰🥰

Autocorrect has never been your friend here to be honest 😂

Thank you for the love, I am really excited to write a Part 2 for you all (didn't think I would, but I can't deny you all after that warm reception).

Yep! I honestly didn't even make that connection, I kind of just wanted to write R as a dirtbag lol instead of the typical dumb golden retriever himbo. And as I work on part too, we will definitely get to see a little bit of Yelena. :) Although yeah, she probably had no idea what kind of sins her sister was getting into that night.

SB loves to take care of Nat :) And they always have to take advantage of doing it when she's asleep or something because she won't stand for it if she's awake.

Honestly, that's a really interesting theory. I was actually thinking the same thing (since a lot of readers ask how come Nat hasn't gotten pregnant by now...what if she actually can't because of a previous injury or medical condition?). And you're right, Nat probably didn't care about having kids at all, but then she met SB and now she might have changed her mind...

Heehee. 😂 R has very sharp actual claws already, no need to shape her nails into them too.

#😎 anon #vulture answers #sergeant beef au #darkest knight au #envy and venom au

5 notes · View notes

cannibalcoyote · 1 year ago

Text

Simon Gruber: Am I Worth Anything?

Imagine being John McClane's youngest daughter, and running away to Germany after your parents start fighting again and your dad moves back to New York. What happens when Simon Gruber finds you on the streets:

-This is set after the second movie, but before the 3rd. I have the reader at age 12-

They'd started arguing again, everything was going so good too, Dad had moved here to LA and everything. I don't know what caused all of this, I thought they were happy, I thought everything was fixed... but I'm wrong as per usual.

Mom has us staying with her, but I'm honesty feeling so alone, even with my siblings around. They both are a few years older than me, so they either bully or ignore me, but neither is my friend. Dad was helping us figure this out, but that all went to waste after he left. They started being cold again, acting as if I don't exist. I know this separating is effecting them as well, but at least they have each other, I don't even have mom here to confide in since she's always working.

I try to call dad sometimes, but he's always drunk and usually thinks I'm mom, sometimes he doesn't even give me the chance to talk, just picks up the phone and starts cursing. He's never treated me like that before, sure, sometimes he just picks up the phone and responds that way before knowing it's me, but is that really an excuse? The separation must be hurting him as well... I wish I could help him, but I don't even know how to help myself.

Sometimes, late at night, I think about what occurred leading up to dad leaving. I remember them shouting at each other, trying to get my brother and sister to take sides. They choose mom either way, I just stood in-between, how could they make me choose? The looks of disdain coming from all sides made me wither, I felt hated, unwanted. Maybe things would be better if I leave?

_______

I left home, it may sound really stupid, but maybe things will be better if I stay at dad's for a little bit; surely things couldn't be worse than staying with my mother and siblings.

The train ride was costly and took around 3 days for me to arrive in New York; my packing was light, just my back pack with a few changes of clothing, all my savings, my ID, some food and a notepad and pen. I didn't want to pack to much because it would make it harder for me to slip out of the house unnoticed, so I just stuffed my backpack and went for it - I probably should've packed other things, but it's too late now.

New York was interesting, I was quite young when we moved to Los Angeles, so being back is a new experience. The buildings are tall and overbearing, they make you feel so small, and the crowded, busy sidewalks only emphasize that point.

I pull out the map from my pocket, dotting what street I'm on, and then charting the best way to get to my father's apartment. His apartment is a bit away from the station, about 20ish blocks, but I've got enough daylight to make it before nightfall.

Before beginning my trek I pull out my walkman, restarting the CD, it's the Station to Station album by David Bowie - I had to beg for a whole 2 months before my father finally gave in and bought me the walkman, he later gifted me this CD upon noticing how Bowie is my favorite musician. It's a nice reminder that my father cares for me, whenever I'm feeling lonely, I'll listen to this album.

I'm weaving my way through people, trying my best not to run into anyone. The sun seems to be setting a lot sooner than I thought it would, but that must be due to the time difference, I must've forgotten to account for that. Either way, I'm over half way there and the sun is just beginning to set, that last thing I want is to be caught after dark on the streets of New York - I especially don't want this as I am currently an unattended child.

I finally arrive at my fathers apartment, pressing the buzzer at the door, hoping he'll be home and let me in.

"Who is it?" I hear an annoyed voice answer, but I still sigh in relief.

"Dad?" My voice sounds so small, hopefully he still heard me.

"Y/N?" I don't know how to describe it, but it seems like so many emotions smashed into one word: relief, anger, happiness, anxiousness. So many that they overwhelm me.

"Yeah, it's me, can you let me in?" I don't get a verbal response, but hear the door being unlocked. I push open the heavy door, making my way inside the lobby. I head over to the elevator and push the up button, waiting patiently for the doors to open. I'm startled by the abrupt opening of the door from the stairwell, staring at the door as I watch my father come bustling out of it. He looks tense and rushed - a mess if I'm being honest, looking around quickly before stilling when he spots me.

His movements are fast, he catches me off guard when he pulls me in unexpectedly for a tight hug. I'm surprised, but accept the contact, it's been so long since I've seen my father after all. As he holds me, I can't help but smell the alcohol on him, though I know mentioning it could be disastrous.

We separate and head into the now awaiting elevator, the ride up was quick but surprisingly quiet; I expected some sort of conversation, but maybe he's processing? The walk from the elevator to his apartment felt uncomfortably tense though, like something suddenly angered him. Either way, it made me feel uneasy.

As soon as I enter, I go to speak, but am cut off by the harsh slamming of the door.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" He questions in a raised voice, he's angry, that much I can tell.

"I-" I begin to respond, but have no time as I am immediately cut off.

"Leaving without telling your mother, wandering the streets of New York at night! How the hell did you even get here from LA, no airline would let you board unattended?"

"I-I used the amtrak." I explain in a shaky voice, averting my eyes from his gaze and staring down at the dirty floor.

"What were you even thinking? Coming over here?" His voice is solemn now, and it makes me more uncomfortable than when he was yelling.

"I thought that... maybe I could stay here for a while?" I respond sheepishly, but hoping - no, praying - that he'll let me stay.

"Stay? Here, with me?" He questions incredulously.

"Please?" I whisper, glancing at him hopefully.

"What? No, you can't stay with me." He looks at me like I'm crazy, I suddenly feel very out of place, like I can't find anywhere that I'm allowed to exist. It's an astounding experience, especially when I've always felt so comfortable with my father.

"But..." I begin, trailing off as I try to think of what to say.

"But what? Don't tell me, you thought you could leave your mother and come live with me, that it would be as easy as showing up on my doorstep unannounced?" I can tell he's making fun of me, his tone gives it away.

"I-" I begin once again, only this time I'm interrupted.

"Well it's not! I thought you were smarter than that? You're going back to your mother's first thing tomorrow, you understand?" His shouting is scary, he's never acted like this towards me, though I have seen a few interactions like this between him and my mother.

"Dad, no, I want to stay here!" I all but beg, wide eyed at his words.

"I don't want you staying here, I don't want you anywhere near here!" My hearing goes silent after that, but there's an obnoxious ringing... Did he just say that? That he wants nothing to do with me, that he doesn't want me anywhere near him?

He says a few more things, but I don't care enough to hear them, all I can manage to do is stare straight forward in a daze. I travelled so far, but not even my father wants me around anymore.

I was right, I should've just disappeared; I'm the catalyst of every fight, had I never been born, maybe they would still be together?

I don't remember much that happened after, just my father rolling his eyes as he drags his palm tiredly over his face. He walks me to the spare bedroom and tell me to get some rest, but I don't think I'll be able to sleep after the words we traded.

I'm not quite sure how long I lay in that bed before I hear my father talking from the living room, I tiptoe out of bed and look through the cracked door, he seems to be on the phone.

"You think I wanted her here! Listen Holly, I'm sending her back on the train tomorrow, alright? Make sure she doesn't comeback to New York." He sounds tired, annoyed, upset... I guess he really doesn't want me here, but I know my mother doesn't want me either.

I wait until my father's all but drunk himself to death, it's around 0100 in the morning before he's passed out on the couch, empty bottles on the coffee table. I cling tightly onto my backpack, walking to the front door as quietly as possible, opening the door slowly before sliding into the hallway and closing it with a dull 'click.'

The ride down was eerie, and it became even more so when I exited the apartment building. The darkness enveloping New York made the environment look quite scary, especially with only the light from the full moon and some blinking lamp posts to light my way. There was still some people out walking, most were either drunk or homeless, so I tried to pass by silently and unnoticed; my goal is to reach the airport before sunrise and buy a ticket out of the country, anywhere as long as it's not here.

I would've preferred to hail a taxi, but I can't risk not having the funds to afford a ticket, though neither of my parents want me, they still have an obligation to find me. Since I'll be paying for the flight in cash, there'll be no tracking where I went, unless the person selling me the ticket remembers my name, face, and flight destination; but I highly doubt they'll check the airports first.

When I finally arrive, the sun is just beginning to raise above the horizon, the streets are getting a little more busy with 6am traffic, and there is now light foot traffic along the sidewalks.

I was coming up on the airport, I can tell because the planes kept getting louder and louder. I'd been thinking during my entire walk on where I wanted to go, it would be suspicious for a 12 year old to ask what flights are available to anywhere, especially without an adult present.

I've chosen to go to Germany because I've always loved the language and have wanted to visit since I was 5; I've also formulated a story should I be asked any questions. I'm going to say that I'll be visiting family in Cochem, Germany. I remember reading about that beautiful place in a travel magazine, it looked nice enough and I also can't remember any other place. If they want more info, I'll say I'm specifically visiting my Uncle who lives there, that I'll be staying there for the summer. They shouldn't be asking much after that though, so I should be all good.

I push open the terminal doors, and immediately locate the booth where you can purchase a ticket. The lady behind the desk looks nice, she sounds polite as she finishes up talking with another employee before turning to me. She looks a little surprised to see just me, but she quickly recovers.

"Hello, how can I help you?" She questions sweetly.

"Hi there, I was wondering if you have any flights today heading over to Cochem, Germany?" I respond, I try to sound mature, but I'm not sure if it worked as I notice her raise her eyebrow humorously.

"Well, let me check real quick." She clicks a few times on her computer, tilting her head as she shuffles.

"There aren't any flights to Cochem since they don't have an airport." She states.

"What does that mean?" I ask, scrunching my eyebrows as I think my plan may be ruined.

"It just means we find the closest airport to their, and that looks to be Frankfurt Hahn Airport; it's only about 15 miles away." She states nonchalantly, but I'm sighing internally. 15 miles, after how long of a flight? I'll need to get a map too if I don't want to get lost.

"We have a flight leaving at around 0900 with a few seat openings." She continues, showing me the available seats.

"Alright, that works." I state, handing her the cash for the ticket, waiting as she prints it out and hands it to me. I smile in thanks before wandering off to check in and head to my boarding area, I've got a while before my flight, so I guess I'll make myself comfortable.

I don't remember the flight too well, I mainly slept through the flight, having sparse moments of wakefulness when they brought us food and drinks. The people I was seated beside were a kindly older couple, they kept me company and checked in on me; I think they just saw a child alone on the flight and wanted to make sure I wasn't scared or anything.

They would try to talk with me, but I think they realized how tired I was and just let me sleep. They were rather nice, even walking with me off the plane before they separated to go to baggage claim; I didn't need to as I only had my carry-on.

I quickly bought a map from the convenience shop in the airport before heading off on my trek, its around 5am and the sun has yet to rise. The temperature is around 60ºF, so I'm not too cold, I actually welcome the chill as the movement will warm me up in no time.

_______

I've been in Cochem for around 3 weeks now, and I must say that I really should have thought this through. I swapped all my USD over into euros, but I barely have enough to afford food everyday, not to mention I have no place to stay, hotels are far to expensive to even think of. Learning german has also been more complicated than I thought, I assumed it would be easier since I'm immersed in the culture, but it's all just been one big shock for both my body and mind.

Some of the shop owners have started to recognize me; I think they have their assumptions and know I'm homeless, sometimes they'll give me something to eat free of charge. I also can't risk speaking to them in english, I can't risk anyone knowing I'm from the United States, that would only heighten their suspicion on why I'm here instead of in the US. So, for the time being, I'll just have to come off as mute until I learn the language.

_______

It's been a particularly harsh past few days, the temperature has been dropping lower than usual, and my deteriorating clothes haven't been doing much to conserve my body heat. The local children have also taken to terrorizing me, I think they've been making fun of my clothing and muteness (I am now able to mostly understand them after some tutoring from a friendly shop owner).

Sometimes, they'll try to grab my bag, I've had a group of them chase after me just because I wouldn't let them steal my backpack. Their parents either don't notice or don't care, either way, I'm on my own.

They haven't caught me yet, and I can't say what they would do to me if they did. Would they just grab my bag and leave? Or would they want to hurt me for having the audacity to run? Maybe they just chase me because they find it funny, or maybe I have good reason to evade them?

It was actually during one of these chases that I ran into the man that would come to replace my father over time.

It was routine at this point, a group of 6 or so kids would spot me and give chase, I would see them coming and take off. So far so good, I'm dodging the adults that go on with their lives, trying not to get hit by cars as I sprint across the road.

I'm doing really good actually, I turn around to catch a glimpse of them, they got stopped at the road by passing traffic, yes!

I look forward just as I turn a corner, running straight into someone, they are larger than me, barely being affected by the collision. I, however, had toppled down to the ground , scraping up my palms on the ground as the flail out to catch me.

Tears well in my eyes at the stinging pain, I can feel as the grit and dirt dig into the wounds as they rub against the cobblestone. I quickly glance up and see a tall man with short blonde hair, his eyes are a striking blue; they make me think of my father's eyes, how his aren't as striking as this man's.

I observe his expression, his eyes widen only slightly, showing his surprise about being barreled into so unexpectedly. He looks very professional in what I can best describe as a business casual suit, but something about him makes him seem like more than what he shows. This strange man, he holds an air of authority, power, I could almost describe him as threatening.

My thoughts are drawn away by the trampled footsteps behind me. I quickly scramble up from the floor, ignoring the pain in my hands as I snap my gaze to the corner I had rounded. I look just as the others come around, they halt as well at the sight of me and this adult.

I lock eyes with the groups leader and immediately begin sprinting down the road, I can hear them giving chase immediately, shouting that no one cares enough about me to help. The tears already welled up in my eyes begin to cascade down my face; they're right, not even my own family wanted, how could I expect that strangers from a different country would want me either?

In my moments of self-pity, I step into a crevice, I was unprepared for the change in level and feel my knee giving out. I tumble to the ground in a flurry, scraping my limbs against the harsh ground. I curse at myself, attempting to stand, but this fall may have done me in, my legs feel like they are on fire, and my left ankle feels heavy and stiff, as though it was being strangled.

Looking up, I notice that I've fallen in a rather secluded area of town, almost no foot traffic here at all, so these miscreants will have a field day, I wonder what they'll actually do now that they've finally caught me.

They surround me, two of them ripping my backpack from me despite my struggle to keep hold of it. The leader marches forward and shoves me, allowing them to grab the bag away. They unzip it before turning it upside down, shaking everything out onto the floor.

We watch as clothes, food, paper and pens tumble out. They look disappointed when nothing else appears, what were they expecting, cash? As if I have any left...

The leader and his lackeys roughly lift me from the ground, having to hold me up since my legs have stopped functioning. Just as they're about to speak, a stern voice erupts from behind them.

"Aufhören (Stop)." They all freeze, the boys looking back to see who interrupted them. I look as well, though it took a lot of effort.

There, standing imposingly a few steps away is the man with the blue eyes, I ran into him, what is he doing stopping these boys from hurting me?

"Was (What)?" The leader questions, he tries to sound stern as well, but I can see him shrinking away when the man steps closer.

"Verpisst euch, lauft zu euren Müttern (Fuck off, go run to your mothers)." He growls in a deep tone, I can feel the disgust in his voice when speaking to these boys.

They apparently don't need to be told twice, they release me, allowing me to crumple to the floor as they bolt away in the opposite direction. I feel dazed after everything that happened, but looking down at the ground, I can't help but feel despair swelling in my throat. Among the content of my bag was a picture of me and my parents, they're smiling and happy, and so was I. That was our last photo together before the fighting started again.

I reach out and grab the crumpled photograph, gently bringing it up so I could cradle it. I glance at the stranger as he steps closer before kneeling down. I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it wasn't for him to begin collecting my belongings and putting them back into my bag.

I can tell he has his suspicions upon viewing my dirty clothing, the toothpaste and toothbrush, as well as the bits of old food wrapped up for later. He finishes zipping up the bag before gently placing it in front of me.

"Wo ist deine Mutter? Dein Vater (Where is your mother? Your father)?" He questions with a concerned tone, I glance into his eyes before quickly looking away. He's very intimidating, even when he's being so nice.

"Weg (Gone)." I reply solemnly. My parents may not be dead, but I don't plan on ever going back, they're better off without me.

"Nun, wer ist für Sie zuständig (Well, who is responsible for you)?" He asks again, hoping that someone is out there looking after me. I sadly, can't give him that answer, it would be wrong to lie to the man who saved me.

"Nur ich (Only me)." I respond, avoiding eye contact at all costs. I'm terrified, what if he turns me into the authorities, or puts me in an orphanage? Or worse, what if he takes me back to New York!

"Nur Sie? Hier draußen (Just you? Out here)?" He sounds shocked, his eyebrows scrunch up in worry, a distant look appearing in his eyes. He tilts his head in thought, of what, I'm unsure. He stands abruptly, and I'm sure he's going to leave, allow me to be alone again; but I'm the shocked one now when I notice his outstretched his hand.

I analyze it for a few seconds, wondering whether I should accept it, what happens if I do accept it? Is this a mere action of kindness before leaving me, or will this lead to more actions occurring? So many questions in my head silenced when I reach out and place my hand in his, allowing his firm grip to pull me off the floor.

My legs are still regaining their senses, but he supports me as I try to remember how to stand. I look down at my legs and notice the scrapes and cuts along them, mostly localized around my knees as they are what I fell on during my tumble. I shift my gaze up to my hands, they are so small against his, knuckles scraped and bleeding from sliding against the ground.

I tilt my head at them, so many injuries in such a short span of time, how will I fix them? I don't have any bandages on me, and I certainly can't afford to buy any.

"Komm, ich bringe das in Ordnung (Come on, I'll fix it)." I just nod my head, who am I to rebuke against his orders, especially after how he's treated me?

"Wie ist Ihr Name (What is your name)?" My words are slow as I try to remember what to say, I am doing better at understanding what is being said, but have trouble speaking the language. I can see the man raise an eyebrow, I almost think he won't answer me.

" Simon. Und du (Simon. And you)?" He states, walking with me through the town market, grasping my hand tighter when he notices the group of boys that had been terrorizing me cross the street.

"Y/N." I respond quietly, it's almost a whisper. It's been so long since I've spoken, let alone this much; I haven't said my name once during my stay here, so it's a strange feeling.

_______

After that day, Simon took me in, cleaned my wounds and bandaged them, gave me a hot meal to eat, and a room to rest in.

He unofficially adopted me after a year, explaining to me that I'm like a daughter to him, and that he want me to see him as my father. He didn't have to ask though, I've seen him as my father since the day we first met.

The first months were hard if I'm being honest, I had no idea how to act around a father figure, especially not after what happened with my actual dad. I was a lot more skittish, scared of maintaining eye contact, terrified by the slightest raise in his voice. Those behaviors began to melt away when I realized he wouldn't push me away, that he actually invited my company and tried to do things that I enjoyed - such as painting with me, or taking me into nature so I could write poems in the serene environment.

He asked me quite early on who my parents were and what happened. I was afraid that if he knew they were alive, that he would send me back to them; but I never was able to lie to him. I told him the truth about my parents, who they were, why I ran away, etc. He talked to me about it, and actually explained to me the dark history between his brother and my father.

He was empathetic towards me, explaining that he had similar feelings of displacement when he was staying with his family; it felt good having someone that could relate to me. He would reassure me during times of self-hatred, comforting me, stating that I was never the problem, that my parents should've never made me feel that way. He promised me that he will never allow them to treat me like that again.

The adoption was a quiet affair, he had documents for me falsified so that it stated I was a German citizen that he adopted out of the orphanage.

Yes, I know they were falsified, and I know all about his side of business; he told me the night beforehand what type of person he was, as well as the types of jobs he does. I'll admit, he caught me off guard since he's quite amiable, but I suppose everyone has sides that no one understands.

Some of his close friends that he works with were there to witness my adoption, they were polite and friendly as well. I had never felt more accepted in my life than I did when I was with Simo–my father, and I don't plan on ever letting go of this feeling.

11 notes · View notes