#I am about to make this book EVERYONE’S problem

[prapaiwife]

I'm so annoyed honestly very upset cause why am i on twitter just scrolling through thamep tag all happily. And all the ep 9 content is gone from all socials. Then come to find out it's cause of this "concern" that this one girl has over william being so young (19 btw) acting in a love scene with est (23). And feels its inappropriate to show the shirtless pics and videos etc...now this is utterly insane that's not the problem here the problem is your uncomfortable with queer media and these two men who are acting btw portraying these characters so so well!! kissing and showing affection for each other. William is about to 20 in a week btw! But some of you fans have this infantilizing issue which is another topic for another day! William im sure has given the consent to everyone involved in the scenes in ep 9. He himself has said multiple times how he and est have had talked about this and more! and he made it fully clear he trusts him. This is so upsetting because gmmtv is giving into this bs! Williamest have worked so hard for this show to be where it is now! The show wasn't even going to happen mind you till the author/directior found her perfect two main leads. And this is the thanks they get! all of their videos with the amazing viewership of ep 9 are gone. All because of one person saying its inappropriate!? If your a fan you would appreciate and love them for doing what they choose to do instesd of craping on it and making them feel like they did something wrong. You are not William's personal family! your not in his circle it's not your place to feel as if u do. That beautiful scnee in ep 9 was noting nothing far from uncomfortable and yet your acting weird about that! Telling him to delete his own pictures his own work is crazy touch the grass!! Go for a walk it's cold so get warm and take in some air. I promise you you'll be able to sleep at night and carry on about your day! As of now tmr they have a book fair event and this is what happens after they had made a accomplishment of 1.3m record for ep 9. This needs to stop gmm needs to grow a backbone and stop feeding into those ppls mindset making them feel as if they matter more then your actual artists!!!

[librarianandguardian]

The Balconies - Viktor x Fem!Reader

Music : Everybody Wants to Rule the World - Tears for Fears

Pairing : S1 Viktor x Assistant Fem!Reader

Word count : 2.1K

Warnings : Mentions of Anxiety and Self Worth doubts, Shy Fluff

A.N : Helloooo It's meee. Am I popping up to then disappear again for a whole other year ? Yeeeeezzz probably. Needed to help my brain work through a break-up and work problems so I went to Viktor for comfort. It worked really well ! This is quite reflective and full of thoughts. I hope I did not make mistakes with portraying Viktor's disability. Do tell if you see anything, I'm keen on learning :)

A French version is up on my Wattpad account right here.

This party was as expected : extravagant and noisy. You cursed yourself to have agreed to the boys’ proposition. Jayce had been more insistent than Viktor, who wasn't too enthusiastic either, your Hex Tech assistant status forced you to be here tonight. Bollocks. You only stuck to the shadows. Because in the end, you hadn't done much besides stand by them, and be on the front row for their speech. No one minded you and they were right : who cares about the assistant of the two geniuses of the decade? The men themselves were here. The loud chatter of the room, the dense sea of people, the many invasive perfumes of the upper class, the boys out in the wild somewhere… The darker the night got, the more you felt out of place. You ended next to the buffet, mouth always full, champagne glasses after glasses, then topping it off with fruit juice. Overwhelmed, you fled to the first balcony available.

Would you rather be at the lab, tidying notes and books they had thrown everywhere to prepare for the speech? Absolutely. Considering how long it would be. But also because the low humming of their machines soothed you. Their cold coffee mugs told you they had a breakthrough. The couch still smelled like Jayce's expensive cologne and Viktor's shampoo (when he finally rested). The Moonshine piercing through the window, lighting the empty place up, made you happy. This lab was your second chance. New friends came into your life ; the boys and Sky, their other assistant. She was extremely sweet compared to the brutal science world. You guys became each other's complaints desk and laugh station. Even though you were the one who needed pity, being Jayce's direct assistant, housekeeper and community manager, you always listened to her trials with Viktor. The resilience of the young man from the Undercity fascinated you. The places he got to in so little time… You remembered your time at the Academy, his name like a whisper in the hallways. He was a mystery to be solved back in the days.

You sighed. This party congratulated your partners for their hard work, their passion. But it was also protocol. None of them rejoiced in being here. All these manners and fake smiles. Not the ideal place for scientists. At least that's what you guessed from Viktor's face all night long. He thought he hid them well, but your keen eye caught it. Unlike Jayce masking his uneasiness with class, thanks to his birth rank and natural charisma. How you would've slapped this "perfect" child. Friendly slaps, that is.

With tired eyes, you took the time to look at this Wonderful city, where your lives unfolded. During this sweet starry night, the streets of Piltover were dressed in blue and golden hues. The colors of new technology, of progress. Her people strolled, celebrating this growth with tiny markets, exhibitions and small street art shows. All this light hid the sea, you could guess with the moon shining on its horizon. The veins of the city were loud with joy, but not enough for you to hear, only feel. Everyone was happy tonight. Then a small nervous laugh escaped your mouth. With all this, you realised something : the task of maintaining the public image of your two devils was yours. For good.

Shit.

You were gonna have to watch out for their potential public bad behavior. If any problem related to that occurred, you’d have to cover it. They would have to be more often shown in public with a clean look. No more dishevelled science boys.

Your head spinned with all this. Or was the champagne at fault ? No, you knew why you quivered. Your breath got quicker. What were you doing ? Close to entering a thought spiral, the door of the balcony being shut and a sigh saved you from it. Startled, you turn around. Half hunched on his cane and visibly irritated, Viktor walked painfully. He was muttering unfamiliar profanities. You giggled, capturing his attention. At the sight of your smile, he eased and joined you. A small hysteria took you both out of breath, only to stop a few dozen seconds later. The scientist had to sit on one of the benches next to the railing, shaken. His knee having slightly twitched, you came closer in case he needed anything. He sat with ease and wiped some tears off.

« ‘Tis all very ridiculous. Truly. »      he sighed with a thick accent.

Your head tilted. He was right of course, but something had to have happened to him. For Viktor to isolate away from Jayce, much was needed. The man wasn’t shy, more socially averse when it didn’t concern work. He hit the ground with his cane to calm down.

« A young daughter of some rich investor has been courting me for more than an hour now, through thick spider-like lashes- Ugh. »

With a reassuring smile, you patted his hands. The poor dear was NOT into marriage and love stories.

« It’ll soon be your new life. To the both of you, dear.

-Mmm, New Hell on Earth you mean. »

You giggled once more. The corners of your eyes wrinkled as they closed, one of your hands hiding your mouth, your nose scrunching. Viktor took in every bit of your false mockery with a grin. Saying you made life easier was down playing the truth. Mediator, Janitor, Nanny when he started to neglect himself. You had been a hurricane of salvation in their bachelor lab; making sure things were in their place, easy to find with their thought process and for the place to be clean after every project. You crossed none of the boundaries established, giving them air until a signature was needed, or an investor answered. Your soft smile, your caustic humor and laughs soothed the hardest day. Empty coffee mug? Never. No meal for 2 days straight? 'You are unbelievable! Eat if you want fuel for your damn brain to properly think.' 

Sometimes your sadness and loneliness caught up to you. Your face closed when you came in, nearly incapable of speaking. You stayed in a corner, eyes glossy with tears, looking out a window. Or you vanished to the bathroom for a while. They were unsure of what to do, but tried. Viktor went with jokes; it worked pretty often. Jayce regularly served you your favorite hot beverage. But when it was too much, Sky came to the rescue. Team dynamics were important; you guys had a good one.

The young man would be lying if he denied loving every evening spent together, alone. A comfortable silence, you watching him, being curious. Or working until you fell asleep headfirst on the table, under a small dim light. Only to abruptly wake up and push him to go home or at least get on the couch. He rarely declined.

When you calmed down, you cleared your throat.

« I'm happy that you find my situation most amusing, darling. »

You winced at his eyebrow raised in false vexation. Arms behind your back, you nonchalantly looked around. Your feet brought you back to the railing.

« I wouldn't dare.

-Oh, I think you would. I know your antics now. »

With this, he got back up and joined you. Your arms on the railing, he took it as an opportunity to lean against your shoulder, hovering his leg in the air. You relaxed against him and breathed. Your stares marveled at the chaos in the streets, ghosts of smiles haunting your mouths at the comfort of each other's presence. The party behind you almost forgotten. You used to live on the outskirts of Piltover, just in front of the bridges that led to the Undercity. You saw the dirt, the grim, the violence. Viktor lived within it, making you both hate high society, fakers and sweet talk. You would have given everything to wander down there with the crowd, watching life buzz. Viktor would have loved to sit on the docks facing his home, ranting with you and sweets.

His head turned towards you. Your eyes glistened, far away on the horizon, your breath hitched, your jaw clenched. Smoke could have come out of your ears. The train had departed the station. What could he do? One day, you had discussed fears surrounding the project, your place in the team. You loved science but stayed an artist at heart. Your studies had been followed on the opposite side of the Academy; in the grand luminous Art Classes, the Workshops of Piltover. He had heard of rumors back in his days : a young rebellious woman, bullied by insidious comrades, but who finally rose to the rank of assistant to the Dean of the Workshops. The only common room you shared was the library. There, you only acknowledged each other with quick nods. When he got up the ladder too, you’d cross paths more often. Talked too. Then you disappeared. For months. He'd often mention the incident to Sky. She'd stay evasive on the matter. All of a sudden, you appeared. Just when Heimerdinger went looking for an additional assistant for the Hextech Project. Theories blossomed in his head. At every given opportunity, he’d study you. To no avail. The satisfaction of actually getting to know you overshadowed his need for answers. Yes, mentioning this wouldn’t help. If you had not confided in him, there had to be a valid reason.

« Miss ? »

Viktor was scared you would break into a million pieces in front of him. Small tears were streaming down your cheeks. He had to call you softly for a solid minute. When his voice pierced your mental fog, your eyes widened at his. You flinched at his intensity. But he brought you back. One of his hands grabbed your left forearm, to keep you anchored.

« Long tiring days are ahead of us. Things will become more complex. Jayce and I are aware of that. And… I believe you too. It's poisoning your mind. »

You briefly looked at his hand. Since he helped you come back to reality, your five senses were calm. Your mind focused on his voice. You met his sweet honey eyes again. He seemed to carefully pounder his next words. Should he talk about it all? The fright, the exhaustion, the hesitation, everything seemed conflicted in you. Soothing was wiser.

« I- I trust you. You proved us you are a pillar of our project. Your kindness and skills might not be poured into the science itself, but science alone cannot hold this dream together. There also is the hope we pour in it. All of us. »

You silently bursted into tears, unmoving.

« I do not know what happened in the past, what they told you. But you are competent. More than a lot of us. Your worries are justified, but they will be erased. I promise you. Otherwise, I'll hunt them down with my cane, partner. »

You snorted. His hand patted your arm, proud of his motivation speech. He began to understand something. This was the way Sky comforted you, how you did it for her too. He had always thought it hard to do, but everything came from his heart. His truth, his feelings. Determination took over his gaze. With a few minutes of silence, you were able to put your mind together, the scientist next to you, joking around, leaning on the railing like a bachelor. At peace, you inspected the lit-up streets again. 

« Thank you Viktor. »

He nodded, scratching his neck.

« How you would feel if we… ran away from this horrendous noisy place? »

You stared, flabbergasted. Nervous, he shrugged.

« Jayce has the crowd’s attention. I wish to flee this aristocrat and you quite obviously don't want to be here. Let’s change, get some food and sit elsewhere. In a calmer, more familiar place. »

You considered it, still shocked. One of the co-founders of Hextech fleeing the launch party? That would be bad. Especially with an assistant. However, the crowd was dense and captivated. And the young man's knee seemed to hurt him; his knuckles were white around his cane. Well. You had a plan. 

« Let's get out of here, partner.» You said, grabbing his arm.

Maybe life would not be too hard. Your team could survive it all. Those thoughts were left to linger in the dark. The balcony you had invested at the party did have a beautiful view. But it could never compare to the laboratory’s one. Sitting next to Viktor. Bundled up in warm clothes, with hot beverages and snacks, under the moon and stars.

[princessofxianle]

so, i admit i am biased bc i def gotta be one of the most obnoxious fenglian truthers out there but, cross my heart, even before i became *that* i still read feng xin a little differently...

[fyi this is loooooong]

1. Hua Cheng & Feng Xin care differently

firstly, i do agree that HC and FX are fundementally not the same, their set of values from an outside pov are nearly polar opposites (id prob make their character alignments chaotic nuetral and lawful good respectively) and yes i agree that is the point of their characters. Their relationships w XL are supposed to be foils of one another to prove a point

their values differ but their actions consequently sometimes align, bc yes they care for XL differently, but the common thread is that they do care for Xie Lian

2. Sympathy isnt Empathy

however simply caring does not always mean its done "right" or in the way XL needed during banishment. And yes, this is where FX's actions in the flashback fall short of his intention to help his prince

but it is NOT because he doesn't care. Not at all. It's because, to him, XL isn't human. He's so much "better" than human. He's perfect. He's celestial. He is a god. The strongest of them all. And his actions are always right and just

FX throws XL on the highest pedestal he can imagine and keeps him there, at arms reach, because he believes in him, because he believes thats who XL is. That's what he believes XL deserves. To be above everyone else bc, in FX's eyes, no one will ever compare. Not even himself

and, i agree, THATS the problem

3. Cookie cutter "Taizi Dianxia Xie Lian"

in doing so, in accepting to support XL's dream to ascend, FX reinforces this idea in his mind of how perfect XL is. To him that is the truth. And he has promised to support XL through to the ends his goals. To stand by his side through everything. Ascention, banishment, and everything in between. And when FX tries to encourage XL, he thinks reminding him of how perfect he "is" is the best way

for awhile, this works. Because for the first ~20 yrs of his life, XL never fails. He gracefully falls into this role because he can. Because he fits the shape of the mold around him. But then times start getting tougher. The war. Human face disease. His toppled statue. And then finally his banishment

XL experiences failure, and many of them. And for the first time

FX watches all of this helplessly. So he tries to do the only thing he can. Encourage his pedastaled prince that this failure isnt "him." He's "better than this." And he can ascend again. Because to FX, thats what worked last time

to FX he's only trying to help, but to a suffering XL's ears it only sounds like he has not only failed to be what he once dreamed he'd be, but also begins to believe exactly what you say. That "he [Feng Xin] was never understanding of Xie Lian the person" in the first place

and this is where I disagree

for the greater part of his life, god/prince!XL is not that far off from person!XL. But as soon as those versions start to diverge, if we were to put blame on FX for not "understanding" person!XL (i dont, but hypothetically), there is an equal amount that needs to be pinned on XL as well

because when XL starts to do things that diverge from his old path, he refuses to talk to FX about them. Yes, it's bc of fear that FX wont accept him, but at this point in their story, XL is at one of his peaks as an unreliable narrator, and his fear is palpable in every line of book 4.

but when has FX's actions ever once implied that he'd do anything that would give real grounds to XL's fears? Never. XL may not see this at that moment, but the we, the reader, can.

XL isnt used to failing. XL isn't used to the unknown. He isn't used to not trusting himself. And that skews his whole worldview and its terrifying to him. If he cant trust himself to stay the same, how can he trust FX to? He can't deal with that internal conflict, so he resolves it in the only way he can

he sends FX away

4. Miscommunication™️ is a bitch

yes, XL makes the decision following FX saying "I really don't know why I've followed you all this time." But the conversation that happens immediately preceding this is also very important. And imo, a criminally overlooked core moment for FX as a character

this convo is the first time XL admits his [attempted] theft to FX after months of keeping it a secret. Now, here, FX could've reacted in disgust, or anger, or any of those horrible scenarios XL's mind has concocted to scare him. But he doesn't.

FX is stunned, sure (dont even get me started on how the fandom treats his moments of shock like this like he's an emotionless deadbeat like wtf HE'S HUMAN TOO ...but i digress) but he doesn't react in a way that points a finger at XL. He simply asks him why he avoided theft all this time if in the end, they would resort to it anyway. What was the point to suffer all this time to survive? Why give in now? FX's first thought is seemingly not to judge XL at all. Those questions are posed to try and understand him, not judge him

but these two are kings of miscommunication and the conversation does devolve out of control. Even tho FX is not attacking XL for his actions at all (tho he isnt really helping either), XL starts to get in his head and force FX to witness him turn his own harsh words on himself with statements like how "foolish" he was for ever thinking he could "save the common people", and many other self depricating comments toward what used to be his core beliefs and dreams as prince. And I'm inclined to think thats how he believes FX see's him then too. Broken. Worthless. A liar. And a failure

a failure to be what FX thought he truly was all along

but here's the thing, when FX swore an oath to the crown, specifically to XL, he consequently took on those values and goals as well. FX signed his life away for his prince. Willingly. He never expected to have agency in his own life again. He trusted XL with it. And then here XL is cursing his entire past. A past with FX steadfast and loyal by his side for most all of it. A past XL now claims was all a waste bc he's a worthless fool who couldnt see things "as they are." And FX can't help but ask "when did you become this way?" Not because he rejects him, but because what XL says hurts. An attack on his prince may as well be an attack on him too

XL means to direct it only at himself but he's likely hurt FX too without meaning to. Which brings me to the final classic fenglian™️ point...

5. No one ever gave Feng Xin a chance

I really do believe FX would've stayed

he would've stayed if XL didnt shout at him, "Then stop following" and proceed to slam the door in his face before FX even had a chance to process, and left him like that for 4 hours refusing to speak to him again.

I have often framed it like FX was just following orders when he left (which is true) but what I don't think many will mention is the possibility that FX believed XL simply didn't want him there with him anymore. The things XL says in the point above don't help FX to think otherwise either

But even "direct order"s aside, I still can't recall a time when FX ever intentionally did something against the wishes of what someone close to him wanted. Jian Lan proves this point twice. By first kicking him out during the time while XL went missing for a month during first banishment (to experience the 100 swords) and then 800 yrs later she declines any help from FX when he wants to help take care of her and Cuo Cuo. He offers, but never presses her

he respects the wishes of others unless he has reason to act or think otherwise

6. 800 Years Later

yet no matter how much time passes, FX never stops looking out for XL when he can

FX is now a god. He's Nan Yang. He does not need to answer to anyone except the emporer. He holds no obligation to anyone. And yet, be it...

the merits he subtlely told Ling Wen not to charge XL for

buying back hongjing

being the first to respond to Shi Qingxuan's call for help post ghost city arc and immediately tending to a bloodied XL

threatening and cursing at HC (a ghost heaven knows not to fuck with) to not harm XL after HC kidnaps him from house arrest (and then FX chasing after them himself)

...he cant seem to stop himself from looking out for XL.

And why? What would he gain? I don't know.

Why do we do anything for the people we love? Even if we don't see or speak to them that often anymore.

final notes:

feng xin is simply just "good"

...thank you for coming to my ted talk

and imo his nuance is also very misunderstood - he's not as simple as he seems

but i love him

'why are you being like this? when did. you become this way?' feng xin mumbled. 'i...i really don't know...i'm... why did i follow you all this time--?' 'then stop following,' xie lian said. feng xin couldn't wrap his head around that. 'what?' 'i said, don't follow me anymore,' xie lian repeated.

heaven official's blessing, pg 273

[winxwannabe]

I am about to become insufferable.

The world’s biggest thank you to @fierydragonprincess for finding an EU listing for the book and sending it to me in America. I’m so happy to finally have my hands on a copy.

[egophiliac]

queen of diamonds, upright + reversed 💎

I've redone this like eighty times, I have to just be done with it now and stop staring at all my mistakes oh no 🫠

[kryptickrow]

"In quantum mechanics, Schrödinger's cat is a thought experiment concerning quantum superposition. In the thought experiment, a hypothetical cat may be considered simultaneously both alive and dead, while it is unobserved in a closed box, as a result of its fate being linked to a random subatomic event that may or may not occur. This experiment viewed this way is described as a paradox." - Wikipedia

(textless and original mspaint version under the cut)

[mistergandalf]

ULTIMATE TOLKIEN BLORBO ROUND FIVE: SECOND CHANCE BRACKET

ÉOWYN vs. MERIADOC "MERRY" BRANDYBUCK

See the ULTIMATE TOLKIEN BLORBO MASTERPOST for details and follow #ultimate tolkien blorbo to cast your vote for the blorbiest blorbo of all!

[moonmoonthecrabking]

"chaotic bisexual-" i don't find this particularly encourages me to read the book, actually. i might anyway, because of the concept (and in a partial hope to prove my preconceptions wrong), but i think that a mistake was made somewhere in the marketing stage

[asmallmadhope]

"You take away my memories, you erase me. Existence is memory. [...] You erase my memories, and you erase my lineage of ancestors – their pain, their triumphs, their passions, their dreams. No matter if the memories bring me pain. It's my pain! Let me have it."

–The Seep by Chana Porter

[girlivealwaysbean]

you know it's bad when you hit the 30 tag limit

[strwbrymlkshake]

LOVE ME THE MOST THE MOST YOU POSSIBLY CAN!!!!!! LOVE ME THE MOST I NEED TO BE THE ONLY THING IN YOUR MIND

[aizenat]

There is this girl I went to hs with and the nicest way I can say this is this girl was smart but not particularly so, and had a high sense of self despite being remarkably average. Again, that's the nicest way I can say that. She also got very triggered whenever I was better at her than something (in all fairness, she was like that with anyone better than her, but my friend caught her shit talking me once when I was the only person in my English class to get an A on my Catcher in the Rye essay--something I expected simply because I'm a writer, was then, and I never once got anything less than A on an essay my entire hs career--and that pissed me off particularly because my writing is the ONE thing in this world I can truly say I do better than most people).

Anyway, I learned a while ago that she moved to Boston, and she was associated with Harvard in some way. Without getting too into it, she works there in the weirdest and most random department (not as a professor or anything meaningful or prestigious, which will make sense in a second), doing basically admin shit it seems. I was curious because she's still listed on their site and it says she's been there for like eleven years. I was wondering if she ended up going there as a student in something, but without a linkden or something, I couldn't see. But every time I googled her name and the school, the only thing that came up was her staffing position. No information to indicate she was a student.

Which is funny. I looked up to see if you can go to Harvard for free if you work there, and the do have a reimbursement program, but you'd only get like 75% of fees back, so you'd still have to come out of pocket. And this is an IVY, so that's going to be pretty. And considering what she does, I can't imagine it paying that much where she could easily afford it. Maybe she does take classes and is slowly working her way to some kinda degree, but I doubt it. I feel like she'd at least be able to brag by now given how long she's been there (the site fucking says when she started lol).

Either way, the reason this is funny to me is because she was never even close or talented or impressive enough to anyone let alone college admissions to get into a school like Harvard (I know for a fact she didn't get in in hs lol), and transferring into schools is typically easier, she didn't get her degrees from there according to the site. So I just lowkey find it funny because the closest she'd ever get to Harvard is not as a student or even as someone brought in to teach, but by getting some admin job and sticking around long enough to get her picture on the school's site. She looks so proud in her Harvard shirt, thinking she finally "made it" but never in a way that would actually impress everyone.

It just all feels very fitting for her. In the right spaces to be around more impressive people while being overwhelmingly mediocre her own damn self lol.

[egophiliac]

his magic is so PINK and FLUFFY and PRETTY! I love it!

I'm ready to process the Diasomnias now, buckle up

[drchucktingle]

THE TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION TELLS CHUCK TINGLE TO STAY HOME BUT WE PROVE LOVE ANYWAY

just when you buckaroos thought 2024 would be a break from book drama, here comes chuck tingle in the mix. recently i was asked to be a featured speaker at the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION annual conference. a few days ago they rescinded my invitation. here is what happened.

(EDITED TO ADD THIS LINK. if you have a hard time reading this on way of tumblr you can also read for free on chucks patreon)

i would like to start off by saying it is not my intent to start a fight, and all those reading this should know that the actions of a few misguided folks do not speak for the whole TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION. i am sure there are many involved who will be very upset to learn what others at TLA have done in their name. there are many individuals here, so please do not paint them all as villains in your mind. besides, chuck loves the dang library everyone knows that.

the point of writing this is not to vilify. i am writing this is because MOMENTS OF DARKNESS are the best places to SHINE A LIGHT AND PROVE LOVE IS REAL. this is a perfect time for learning and growing and for us talk on some very important things that queer buckaroos and neurodivergent buckaroos face every day. this is an unfortunate moment that WE can turn around and use to prove love is real.

i am also writing this to understand some of my own personal feelings on the matter. for something that seems very simple on the surface, the trot is complex, and i am still working out my emotions on the whole dang thing. i am learning in this way.

PART ONE: BAG OF LOVE

a few months ago chuck was asked to be a featured speaker at the 2024 TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION ANNUAL CONFERENCE. i have been asked to do things like the before and it is ALWAYS a fun time to meet bookseller and librarian buds. trotting around face to face and talking about my story of conquering chronic pain and overcoming my mental hurdles is VERY IMPORTANT to me. i say YES to these things whenever i can. (here i am with authors at CALIFORNIA INDEPENDENT BOOKSELLERS ALLIANCE conference. they are a WONDERFUL group and they proved love with their OWN invitation to chuck. this was such a moving event with so many amazing authors and stories. got very teared up during this photo)

ANYWAY BUCKAROOS i get the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION invite and say 'YES BUD LETS TROT'. we are then confirmed.

months pass. a few weeks ago i get a call from my manager and agent and publisher saying ‘the TLA have rescinded their invitation.’

turns out some things had been going on behind the scenes

at some point the TLA asked chucks INCREDIBLE HEROIC BAD ASS PUBLISHER if chuck would be okay with not wearing the mask, to which tor/nightfire/macmillan said ‘what the heck are you talking about of course chuck is going to wear his mask. this is how chuck presents himself’ (NOT EXACT QUOTE)

as you all know, my pink bag way is a VERY IMPORTANT SPACE. as an autistic buckaroo it is a boundary that allows me to express myself freely and relieve my chronic pain from neurotypically masking all day. i have talked about this for years, and it is why i consider my private identity a SACRED THING. it is literally a health issue.

fortunately THE PINK BAG is never really a problem when making appearances. i have spent years going on television shows, doing interviews, speaking at other conferences and conventions, hosting book events on tour, and even MEETING WITH LAWYERS in my pink face covering. it is always respected and that is very validating to my way.

when arriving anywhere i always take precautions. i always warn buckaroos ahead of time that there is a masked man coming. i always have someone go in ahead of me JUST IN CASE. again, there has never been an issue. at a big conference where i am a special guest there is ESPECIALLY not an issue because my face and bio are printed IN THE DANG PROGRAM

SOME FUN TIMES AT BIG EVENTS BELOW:

CHUCK ON TV SHOW NAME OF 'AT MIDNIGHT' BACK BEFORE I WROTE LOVE IS REAL ON MY HEAD:

well, there has never been an issue.... UNTIL NOW.

PART TWO: RESCINDED

a few days ago TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION suddenly messaged my publishers and said that chuck tingle is no longer invited. my invitation was rescinded. the reason given was that people could possibly be uncomfortable with my mask

right out of the gate i would like to say this: it is absolutely the right of the texas library association to disinvite someone from their conference. it is their event, after all, and they can ban anyone they would like, for any reason.

of course, that doesnt mean other folks HEARING THIS NEWS wont have their own opinions the TLA choices. if the TLA disinvites someone, their reasoning for doing this can be discussed and analyzed. whether or not they follow their own guidelines can be questioned, and certainly their kindness and tact can be considered

there are a few BIG POINTS to make regarding this choice from the TLA

first and foremost, i just gotta say buckaroos, it is incredibly rude to invite someone to be a guest speaker at your event, have them confirm and mark off their calendar and turn down other offers, then rescind their invitation. this is maybe the simplest of the points, but it is an important one.

second, (DEEP BREATH HERE WE GO BUCKAROOS) i personally do not think of my autism as a disability very often, but i also KNOW that despite these feelings it ABSOLUTELY IS. autism is important to be listed as a recognized disability because of the help some autistic buckaroos need regarding government programs and things like that. ALSO just because my neurodivergence has helped me in some ways (hyperfocus and a unique artistic sensibility for example). i personally need to step back and remember my battle with stress and chronic pain from having to neurotypically mask all the time. for as much as i love being autistic it has made some things very difficult.

in other words, i am perfectly capable of speaking and interacting with folks without this pink bag on my head BUT WHEN I AM IN THE CHUCK TINGLE SPACE I REQUIRE IT. i can ONLY use this space while covering my face. is not a want. it is a need. holding this boundary is more important than i can ever say. i will not, and can not, let these spaces cross.

TLA not letting an autistic author wear the face cover theyve set up to express their neurodivergence in a safe, healthy way is--for lack of a better term--NOT A GOOD LOOK.

i cannot fathom them disinviting another author for using a disability aid. i cannot fathom them saying that a buckaroo who hears better with a hearing device cannot use it during their panel because it would make others 'uncomfortable'.

but here we are.

PART THREE: WHAT DOES A BUCKAROO GOTTA DO TO GET BANNED AROUND HERE?

this is the TLAs official stance on disability issues according to their website:

when poking around on the TLA website i noticed a few other things. i noticed a previous guest speaker wearing a niqab, and i was left wondering if the religious significance is what make that okay but chuck tingle banned. that made sense until i looked deeper and saw mascot buckaroos dressed up on the exhibition floor, and saw some kind of spiderbud in a costume contest. nobody around them seemed to be all that scared. their invitations REMAINED INTACT.

it should be mentioned here that AT ONE POINT during the discussions an email was sent from TLA saying chuck is allowed to come and wear his mask in the exhibition halls and smaller panels, just not at any of the big PAID PANELS i was once supposed to participate on. this was a confusing offer, but their explanation was that people who paid for something should have the option to not see chucks 'scary neurodivergence aid'. i tried to wrap my head around WHY they would make a distinction. maybe the exchange of money (rather than time) causes some kind of philosophical adjustment that i just cant grasp?

i wonder, would the author who wears a niqab ALSO be banned from the paid panels? i hope not

my answers trotted up short until i investigated deeper and found this quick moment from one of the TLA help videos. while some events DO require additional buckaroo cash, it actually appears that THE ENTIRE CONFERENCE IS TICKETED AND COSTS MONEY.

at this point i realized there is clearly no actual official policy about not covering your face (other than one from a few years ago saying that you HAVE to cover your face), and the addition of 'money' is a red herring. these excuses make no sense

PART FOUR: CLOSE THOSE GATES

it appears that my neurodivergence is 'scary' enough to get me uninvited, REGARDLESS what their disability and mask policies may say

BUT WHY? why is chucks preferred physical presentation valued SO little by the TLA that a THEORETICAL complaint is worth more? is my neurodivergent expression so awful? is my own safety as a queer activist such an afterthought?

is a pink bag with the words 'love is real' scrawled across the front REALLY going to frighten someone when the posters and pamphlets on the way into in panel would have a photo of my masked face saying THIS IS LITERALLY WHO IS ABOUT TO APPEAR BEFORE YOU.

if THAT accommodation is too much, would it really be so difficult to have someone trot out beforehand and make an announcement? to say 'there is someone on this upcoming panel who needs a mask to express this part of himself, if this makes you uncomfortable then this panel might not be for you'.

and really, i have to heckin ask, is this physical expression of my raw inner truth really so hideous and frightening that fear of making someone uncomfortable is a REAL problem?

(a terrifying display of autism. apparently)

i cannot imagine what kind of precautions they need to take before a stage play featuring costumes and masks.

you MIGHT think chucks queerness and left leaning politics could be the issue with this organization, but they have had drag queens as past speakers (also featuring some GLORIOUS makeup and hair that covers almost all of their faces. VERY CURIOUS). regardless, the TLA do not seem like a conservative bunch.

if you are bisexual or an autistic person who is good at 'passing' you probably already know where this is headed, your dang spiderbuckaroo senses are tingling at FULL ALERT. i will say i do not KNOW the real reason why i was uninvited, and i do not have enough information to make any concrete statement of the real answer. there is only evidence that masks have been fine at TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION events in the past, but not much else to go on.

so the FACTS part of our discussion ends there, but i think it opens us up to talk about some very important feelings that bisexual and autistic buckaroos know well.

THIS is where we take a unfortunate, hurtful moment and turn it into a discussion. this is where we prove love is real.

as someone who is constantly doubted and put through purity tests because of my unique way, we are pushing up against a subject i know well. thats right buckaroos: we are talking GATEKEEPING

AGAIN, i do not know if this is the answer, but someone in my position might be VERY STRONGLY INCLINED TO THINK that a few well-meaning left leaning buckaroos think i am a joke and that this is a character, and that there is something problematic about my work because i am not really a real person.

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a neurodivergent buckaroo with an unusual visual presentation, an autistic buckaroo who conquered his chronic pain ONLY by creating this important space... but what about a FAKE autistic buckaroo?

any upstanding left leaning organization would OF COURSE allow a mask for a queer LGBTQ activist standing up for gay and trans rights against a torrent of scoundrels hunting for his legal identity. its a matter of safety... but what about a FAKE queer activist?

let me be very clear for the 100th time: i am a real person. this is not a joke. i am not playing a character. i am really autistic and bisexual. tinglers are sincere and they are not ‘so bad theyre good’. they are just good. camp damascus is not ‘my first serious book’ because my queer erotica is serious. my art is important and real.

when people tell me to unmask they often do not know WHY they want it, and of course one very good reason is innocent curiosity. but there are SOME cases where i start to get THAT feeling--that tingle all of us ‘passing’ buckaroos get when we can sense the real intent behind the poking and prodding. that is the feeling of stumbling into a gatekeepers crosshairs.

if i was to take off my pink bag, what about my face would you analyze to tell if i was REALLY queer. my eye color? my ear shape? if you learned my legal name, would you see if it sounded autistic? is my voice neurodivergent enough?

or is all of that utterly absurd? i am curious what the TEXAS LIBRARY ASSOCIATION thinks.

PART FIVE: GENDERED

this will be the shortest of parts, but it has to be said. i have a very complex relationship with gender, as written about at length here and here. i understand these things can be difficult to parse for some, but i ask that you trust me when i say that the ONLY reason i have been able to talk about my gender and sexuality and learn these things about myself is because of this pink bag. this outward appearance is a direct expression and reflection of my gender journey.

if the texas library association does not care about my appearance as an expression of my autism, then i cant imagine them giving a dang about it as an expression of my gender and queerness. that being said, it is personally very important to me and i think it should be mentioned

PART SIX: SO YOU WANT TO REMOVE AN AUTISTIC QUEER AUTHOR FROM YOUR EVENT BECAUSE PEOPLE MIGHT FIND THEIR DIFFERENCES SCARY

there is a question to be asked here: how could the TLA have done this correctly?

i have one very big piece of advice i would like to shout from the rooftops. please, for the love of sweet barbara, DO ENOUGH RESEARCH to know if this appearance will be a problem and, IF SO, dont extend an invitation in the first place. unique buckaroos with different presentations are constantly left in this place of limbo because we are bombarded with careless actions like those of the TLA. before you consider extending a branch to an artist who might need more accommodations than usual, think to yourself 'CAN WE MAKE THESE ACCOMMODATIONS?'

putting all of this on the shoulders of a single 'buckaroo with a difference' is exhausting. as the TLA has shown, we currently live on a timeline where a buckaroo like myself never really knows if an invite is SOLID without doing a deep dive history lesson on how often a group discriminates and against who.

i did not want to spend my whole family holiday worrying whether or not i should say something publicly or just lie down and shut my dang mouth. i had to consider HOW i should say it. i had to worry whether or not its worth standing up for myself in the face of the largest state library association in the country. i think buckaroos with differences are with me when i say: WE ARE SICK OF HAVING TO DO THIS WORK TO COVER FOR THE POOR BEHAVIOR OF LARGE ORGANIZATIONS WHO TREAT US BADLY

another option would just be to use kindness and common sense and happily accommodate artists with unique presentations to your conventions

PART SEVEN: LOVE IS STILL REAL

i would like to close by saying THANK YOU to my publisher nightfire and editor kelly for standing up for me. they immediately stood firm and had my back. they are the real dang deal. THANK YOU to my management and agent buds dongwon and gino for trotting along beside me. THANK YOU to the folks at the texas library association who initially invited chuck with goodness in their heart and then likely got bowled over by someone else, and maybe even got knocked to the side by a big closing gate.

i hope there are librarians in texas who are still interested in carrying BURY YOUR GAYS when it comes out (which is ironically about someone who creates a space through art to express their queerness where they cant otherwise). libraries prove love is real and what they do IS SO IMPORTANT. it was SO IMPORTANT TO ME as a young buckaroo and i cannot thank you enough. i am not sure if me writing all of this will hurt my sales in some way, but this opportunity to speak about the reality of disability awareness and queer gatekeeping is too important to stay silent. (if you have not already preordered BURY YOUR GAYS then give it a preorder to make up for some texas library losses i guess.)

which leads me to my final thank you. THANK YOU to the buckaroos reading this. yes YOU. i am in the position to stand up and speak my mind against scoundrel forces ONLY because i have the might of you buckaroos by my side. the buckaroo trot is ALL OF OUR TROT and we are ALL HERE TO PROVE LOVE. i cannot tell you how much i appreciate the way you have created a space for me to express these important parts of myself. you have seen this pink mask over my face and saying YES, I ACCEPT YOU, you have literally saved my life. for that i am so thankful.

if you are UPSET by what youve read here, then turn it into something positive. you can support autistic creators, or make a donation to the AUTISTIC SELF ADVOCACY NETWORK

and besides WHO IS REALLY MISSING OUT? this is what it looks like when you invite the worlds greatest author chuck tingle to your event and treat their identity as valid. WE HAVE A DANG GOOD TIME

KEEP TROTTING INTO THE FUTURE. KEEP KICKING DOWN GATES WHEREVER THEY MAY BE. KEEP PROVING LOVE IS REAL AND PROVING IT TOGETHER. lets go buckaroos - chuck

UPDATE AN HOUR AFTER POSTING:

true buckaroo TJ KLUNE was set to be another author on panel chuck was removed from and has informed me he has now chosen to decline his invitation in support and solidarity with chuck. i am so deeply moved by this. thank you from bottom of heart buckaroo

to be very clear TJ has a huge platform and DOES NOT NEED TO DO THIS. these conferences are great for book sales and he is taking a hit out of pure solidarity. this is queer buckaroos standing up for eachother. i am floored by this kindness and love

please consider checking out his books if they are not already covering your dang bookshelf. chuck blurbed IN THE LIVES OF PUPPETS and i was blown away i heckin loved it

MOST RECENT UPDATE:

here is more

[julesnichols]

Y'know. There were several ups and downs when I was working for the mouse, and the downs were always really, really bad. But like also I'm glad for them because four years ago I absolutely would not have said SHIT about being given a shift that conflicts with my availability and just worked it hoping it never happened again. Now I will talk to all four fucking managers who work throughout the entire day I've been here until one of them listens instead of pushing back and getting pissy about me saying it's not my fault and sure, I'll try to find coverage to be nice, but not my fucking problem if I can't find it, can't work the shift, they can't mark me as a no show and they can die mad about it because they should've thought about it before giving me a shift I can't work 🤷

[phoebespenglers]

well i think i know why this is happening to me now.