#I am a burden to my mom
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i am just waiting for a moment of suddenly courage so I can actually k1ll myself.
#why i wanna k1ll me you ask? well...lets see#I am a musician but no one has a job in arts for me#I am a writter but no one buy or read my books#when I was 18 nobody would give me jobs because I was too young and had no experience#my college teachers were the ones that gave me jobs for fill my resume#and also I was manipulated by my parents when I was younger trying to get my own money#I am a burden to my mom#No guy ever loved me#ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and yeah#i guess this is reasons enough for you?
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me: hey, so i feel like you maybe disregarded my saying that caretaking on top of work and school and pre-planned travel is a lot for me right now and i’m not comfortable with all of that pressure being on me alone when i wanna make sure you guys have everything you need when i’m not around…
my family: of COURSE we heard you, that’s why we started doing a bunch of things by ourselves at great cost to our physical well-being instead of asking you for help!!!!!!
me:
#my number one emotion right now is wanting to move across the country out of spite as soon as my mom is fully mobile again#i am sooooooooo done#i had recommended looking into options for home care and my mom supposedly did#but then today she was like ‘idk… there’s just nothing that isn’t medical… there’s no options’#so i googled ‘caretaker help [name of our city]’ and found dozens of people IMMEDIATELY#sent her several links#idk i’m just really pissed off#all i’m suggesting that they do is make a plan in case something like this happens again#and they seem FLABBERGASTED#my mom-mom literally said to me multiple times ‘people don’t usually plan for bad things happening to them’#and it’s like. dude. your daughter is literally lying there in a cast right now bc she fell down the goddamn stairs#the bad thing DID happen!!!!!!!#so now that you’re THINKING ABOUT IT maybe make a plan for next time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#and i was VERY nice about it#no bad words… no insults… measured and calm tone…#but they were treating me like i was being crazy and unreasonable and i just don’t GET it…#i know it can be hard to ask for help but this is honestly delusional#my mom hasn’t taken a vacation in over three years because she’s NEVER looked into home care before#and neither she nor my mom-mom are happy about that… they’re always venting to me about it#my mom about how she wants to get out more and my mom-mom about how she feels like a burden#and it’s like. my dudes…#just hire someone!!!!!#like. three hours a day tops… just to check in!!!!!#it wouldn’t be that hard!!!!!!!#am i nuts?????? someone reality check me please#i need something firm to grasp onto
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I want to be more authentic on my other social media platforms too, where irl people know me.
But I have such an intense fear of being perceived I sit. For 3 hours. On a post before posting it 😭😭 I literally just stare at it and have an anxiety attack lol.
And even then sometimes I end up deleting it.
Even though I only do it for myself and nobody really cares it's still ajajaja hard.
But I want people to see me more than a shallow human lol
And maybe, even if only one person likes my "true" self, then I'd be happy 🥲
But what if they bully me more ahhah I already am not the most well liked 🥲🥲🥲🥲
THOUGHTS GO AWAY lol 😭
#I want to be loved kinda#but I feel like if I keep hiding how I feel around people I will never be able to truly connect to anyone#I know. That I could open up to people irl better.#But I don't really have people that I trust that much surrounding me#So that's why even posting as small as a quote or a music on my instagram is a huge things for me#Bc maybe someone who previously found me uninteresting could idk become interested? If they see I'm also a human lol 😭#Idk this doesn't make sense but I struggled with this since I was a kid and finally I have a desire to change#I have a desire to be seen kinda ahhaah#I have a weird story but actually one time as a kid I almost choked because I didn't one to bother my mom??? I didn't want her to help me#bc I felt guilty????#And this pattern of feeling like a burden follows me like my own shadow ahaha#but I... kinda want to feel like a burden sometimes to be honest#I just wish to leave a mark in the world in one way or another#idk I wish people could remember me for my soul and not my looks and face ahaha yes idk#it's 6 am actually!! finally stayed awake ahaha.
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Going through the horrors (studying)
#i wish i did not need a high school diploma truly. like truly truly truly i hate my brain and this#vent#fuck it we ball (i cant give up because the capitalistic prison i am in is specifically designed to arouse my depression into making me#feel like a burden and oof. i just want some money so i can get out of my moms hair once and for all sjjsjs poor woman man
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Granted I have the overall geographical and cultural knowledge of a 4th grader but from what I can tell the nuclear family model really does seem to be a white colonial invention
Different cultures have different approaches but I mainly hear about either large family units where multiple generations support each other and raise their children and grandchildren together or an "it takes a village" approach where children are raised somewhat communally
And I can't really speak on it much or claim that these families were free of abuse or that children aren't often an oppressed group basically everywhere I know of but the way ownership of your children is so engrained into white society is so bizarre
Like once you notice it you can't unnotice it even the most loving well meaning parents don't know what to do about it because everyone is so isolated from their own families and their own communities so you wind up with 1-2 parents who have full legal ownership of their child and are raised in a culture where you don't have personhood until you're 18 and all attempts at self actualization before them are seen as clueless rebellion. Like our culture is so divorced from the concept that a parent is someone who is helping mentor and care for their child so they can thrive as a fellow human being and it's actually so alarming
And ik this problem isn't unique to white and colonized people but it's honestly really soothing to hear about how other cultures approach and view parenting and community as a whole and to internalize it doesn't have to be this way
#like i was reading a book by Sabaa Tahir who's Pakistani#and the perspective on parenthood portrayed in it so healing#like when Salahuddin mentions that his mom taught him not to thank his parents growing up#''Ama taught me that saying thank you to your own parents is unnecessary. Akin to thanking your lungs for breathing. The times I tried#she looked at me like I’d rejected Saturday-morning paratha.''#and like obviously the idea isn't that your kids should be ungrateful im assuming that it's their behavior and overall respect thats thanks#but as someone who was raised thanking everyone for everything especially my parents no matter what it really stood out bc even little stuff#like that can make a huge difference yk? since I can remember white adults particularly my parents taught me i was a burden#and that their taking care of me was an act of kindness rather than a responsibility and I don't think it's some big conspiracy to make kids#feel horrible but it's not really teaching gratitude it's just teaching guilt#thats just one example tho#I also am at the extreme end of white cultural isolation (neither of my parents are close to their families we've never lived near them and#they specifically isolate us from everyone so the difference is a lot more drastic for me than it probably is a lot of other people#but when i hear ppl being close to their neighbors or anyone that lives near them i go a little insane with longing tbh#like what is that like? to grow up in an environment where your world is more than just your parents approval?#where there's some kind of insulation between you and all of your parents problems bc there is no one else#this was not a ramble with any kind of conclusion tho akehrjdhr#and once again I am absolutely not saying that child abuse is uniquely white bc. el em ey oh thats not how any of this works#it's just that white cultures view on children is sickening
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as badly as i want to avoid my mom she is making it extremely difficult
#i feel really bad that im so angry at her and she doesnt even know it#but my entire living situation is making me miserable right now and its her fault#she charges me $50 in rent every week and shes increasing it to $125 a week at the end of the month#the only reason this is happening is because she FORCED ME to drop out and the only other alternative was that i had to work full time + pa#rent.............. but like at my job even if im working 40 hrs a week ill only be making abt $900 a month#so i will barely have anything leftover for myself after rent#and i cannot get a second job bc i frankly can not handle it at all + what hours would i even work#and my mom refuses to understand that the reason i had to drop out is bc i am so depressed and so suicidal and i just dont want to live#she doesnt acknowledge that im disabled and severely mentally ill#every time i try to talk about my mental health she treats me like im such a burden to her even though i literally never tell her anything#personal anymore bc she just doesnt listen or care#ALSO she FORCED ME to move across the country and transfer schools when i really did not want (hence why i flunked all of my classes bc i d#not care) but like. everything thats wrong in my life rn is bc i do not want ot live where im living and theres no way for me to go back to#texas and also i dont rly wanna live w my dad either#but anyways. this whole situation would be better if my mom was using me paying rent as an actual lesson in adult respinsibility#but it's really just a punishment because i cant function the way she wants me to#and im over it#so fucking over it why am i such a pussy why cant i just die
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people who are extremely emotionally repressed and incapable of expressing their feelings are most of the time only capable of feeling and expressing anger, irritation and bitterness. and they HATE seeing people who openly express all of their feelings and emotions, and are emotionally intelligent enough to understand the complexity of emotions. they absolutely hate them and it evokes such irritation and anger within them, because even if they dont understand it themselves, they are envious of ppl who dont take emotions so seriously or see it is being weak.
#i think a lot of times people get angry with me for openly being able to express my thoughts and feelings#they dont understand that when i vent about something it allows me to release the pain and severity of it a little bit#while they walk around holding that anger that turns into poison and hurts them everyday#somehow it is my fault for not being ashamed and feeling like i have to hide my#thought and feelings deep inside#the way they do.#and that for me feelings and thoughts arent written in stone#it doesnt scare me to face my dark and unsavory thoughts#they arent all i am#but somehow they get angry seeing someone dare to express everything#but its totally ok for them to fixate their anger on a total stranger that doesnt even care to take their existence into consideration while#expressing their feelings and thoughts ie they arent even abt them#idk i just cannot for the life of my understand that mindset#if you see someone vent about their experiences and thoughts and feelings#and get so angry you feel like punishing them or harrassing them#there is like something deeply wrong with u emotionally#it is just so frustrating to have to be bothered by those ppl so often#because i will NEVER shut up#i will never cower. i believe in total freedom of expressing things#even if i have to be burdened and bothered by stupid ppl trying to sew my lips shut and cut my tongue out i'll never stop#it isnt my responsibility that they cannot cope with someone just saying shit#it's just sad that this will def ensure that i'll keep have my accounts shut down on any platform 🙃#bc we dont live in a society where freedom of speech is a thing#and it will also make me very very very lonely bc not many ppl can handle someone who speaks openly#(plus im not a degenerate which many loud ppl are so i cant fit it w thm sadly)#but i've trid to keep it all inside and nod and smile but that just makes me....#have very very many homooo... ;))) cidal thoughts haha#cant live like that i'll explode#at least im glad i have my mom tbh#like very glad. she understands almost everything i say. im more extreme than her but she gets many things i say that others wouldnt
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How many times can I go "I feel like ass but it's fine I'll be fine" until it becomes hollow to everyone around me. BHASJGFNJFGNK
#ventings#<- ig#i feel like this happens so. frequently#im fine one moment and then bad the next and i feel bad for it. i hate having some weird brain instability#i will be real this one time ! me going `ill be fine` is more my ward so i dont feel guilty or attention-seeking for venting than it#is an actual true statement atp. i mean like. tbf. i will be fine. my mood kinda just Swings and ive dealt with this brain long enough#to be used to that and used to the fact that ill just feel like this until my brain latches onto something and is able to snap back#but eh. euuuhghhhhhhhhhhhh. fuck#also while im giving myself one post to talk abt this shit before falling silent on it again. i always feel bad when people tell me i can#vent to them. bc its like. my brain wont allow it#i feel like a burden for it when i know ill be fine eventually even without getting to talk it out with someone#i will never tell people its better to check in with me than it is to tell me i can vent. bc my brain wont let me open the door but#if the door is held open for me then i feel i am allowed. ive been invited. does that make sense#but again ill never tell anybody bc thats just. it feels like a lot to ask when nobody needs to hear my bs anyways#idk. idk if i even wanna talk about this really. i feel bad still for typing it all out. beh#im gonna go play some silly billy and then maybe start doodling. that or i play silly billy and then check in with my mom#to see if she remembers the wendys thing. cuz i know she struggles with remembering things too
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every time a female character in a male written anime/manga decides to quit fighting or being a “tomboy” for a shitty boring male protagonist, another far right incel is born
#yeah i do mean sango from inuyasha#you’re telling me she decided she wasn’t gonna fight at all anymore OR lead the rebuilding effort and become chief of the demon slayers#???#or ‘oh you’re telling me this cool badass girl that used to do whatever the fuck she wanted without caring what people thought#decided to finally grow out her hair and wear dresses and have a more soft spoken quiet personality#to ‘rediscover her femininity’ only now to FINALLY get the attention of and be perfect for some bland asshole guy???#I SWEAR TO GOD if i have to hear another female love interest talk about how she has to learn how to fucking#sit on the sidelines and endure neglect and an absentee lover#because ‘his duty/job is too important’ and ‘i knew this is what it meant to love him but i will anyways’#OR FUCKING WORSE#‘i can’t tell him my very obvious feelings for him because it might distract him from his Very Important Warrior Development Where He Fights#To Save Lives because it would Burden him AND he probably doesn’t feel the same way#i am going to FUCKING SHIT ALL OVER THE WRITERS’ HOUSES#STOP only writing women as support#STOP only defining them by their sex appeal or attraction to/for a male character#it’s STUPID and it makes me HATE THEM#STOP turning badass fighters into stay at home moms and housewives#LET THEM FUCKING BE BOTH#inuyasha#shonen#shonen manga#shonen anime#tbh i could name tons more specific examples but i don’t care enough about those poorly written shows to get into discourse lmao#and by inuyasha i specifically mean yashahime or the series now that Rumiko isn’t writing it anymore#weeb speak
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anyways sry its not srs eventually ill get it together . and be a person again. one day
#its just like atm everything that i need is like . not possible. which is oartially my brain being like We have to do this before we this#which sometimes isnt true but sometimes is#like i cant get medicated again or back seeing a psych or back on t until i get a job again#but i cant get a job again utnil i get my ged <- partially untrue but ged would make it a lot easier#but i cant get my ged until i have a job bc it costs money <- if i asked my parents they would probably help me If they had money 2 spare#since like. yk. they want ne to be able to work again so i have money again and ill be another source of income and they care abt me also .#affirmations . ppl donot just see me as a piggy bank they do see me as a person im not judt someone to squeeze money out of thats not how#ppl view me and its fine its fine its fine its fine . it feels so stupid being scared abt that i feel like a rich person whos like She only#likes me for my money 😭 like stfuuu annoying ass. i just ummmm. have a massive fear of debt and like. ppl demanding money from me#unexpectedly or expecting i am going to give them money. not in like a Ohhh fucking ppl want me to donate not it at all im happy to donate#but in like. god this is dumb. eveeytime i got birthday or christmas money as a kid i had to give it to my parents so they could buy food or#gas or whatever. and it never got paid bsck and it felt like shit. but i couldnt ever say no bc then itd be My fault we didnt have food that#week . yk. my first paycheck i had to give it all to my mom for groceries and we got in a fight in the store bc she was like Ok im gonna go#buy pop and my dumbass got upset abt it bc like. my mom told me itd be Necessities nd like. yk. wtvr. it was fucking stupid my entire family#r caffeine addicts so pop is a necessity i was just. rly upset and it felt like my parents saw my money as just. theirs but they had to ask#abt it so i wouldnt get pissy. yk. and they ask me for money a lot usually for food and i dont mind but it like. idk im rly paranoid abt#being a provider and ive got a Lot of guilt abt like. anytime we dont have enough food it feels like my fault bc it was my fault when i wasa#kid if i didnt give up my christmas money for pizza. or whatever. idk its so dramatic like i didnt need the money i was 8 it was selfish of#me to wanna buy fucking. toys or whatever that wasnt more important than My parents being able to get to work or my siblings being able to#fucking. literally eat. or paying bills. like its selfish that im like wahhh wahhh but i wanted to buy vibeo game wif my bday money i#shouldve judt been fucking grateful i was able to help my family. wtvr. I hate connor. wtvr#n then the shit with ugh last year like. yk. and stuff. and then the them stealing 1000 from me not getting into it b4 i get mad. idk.#and im just lazy now i need to get a job again but all the shit like. as i was saying earlier b4 i started whining. idk. i should be happy#that i get to help w bills and stuff that was my dream as a kid#like ever since i was 5 when i was fantasizing abt my future i was like Im gonna marry a prince and then ill be able to afford to pay all of#my families bills and my parents and siblings will be able to go to college and be happy and maybe never have to work bc ill be able to#handle it and ive always like. yk. when i was a dumbass kid i was like Ill go to college so i can get a good job and be useful. of course i#cant ever go to college bc im fucking. useless. and itd just be another burden on my family if i was in debt bc i couldnt help them as much#if i had debt and itd be selfish. and it doesnt matter bc im too stupid to go to college anyway. idk. i wish i could just fix everything#it just feels awful rn im literally just a drain and my family doesnt say it to me yk like. ik theyre happy imback i think they are
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ok time to try to blame someone else instead of me
#being dramatic but idk im also trying to think abt why i am this way#in part to the fact that i inherently view myself as a burden and always have since a child since i could like. comprehend the things my mom#was going through for my life & moving the america etc etc#but like yeah i was basically as independent as couldve been in the PH bc i had multiple ppl who could take me places and take care of me#but in the US it was just my parents and our family and our X amnt of cars#idk i just keep thinking about how much i miss doing anything in my life and how i used to be a dancer a martial artist a potter like#there was so much to me and now because i refuse to learn to drive and get a car i just. am locked out of everything#bc my aspirations cant work out on 1 vehicle in sparse & spread ohio#like idk maybe its the fact that i always was just like im not allowed to have friends im not allowed to go out in the summer#im not allowed to visit friends or extra places or events#never really been independent until i basically ran away and even now im just#only partially independent bc sure i have money and i have my own space but. im dependent on a driver and other ppls schedules and it just#idk i cant not see myself as a burden all i can think of is that im not a good enough woman let alone wife and thats something no one wants#like i barely know how to cook i barely eat i dont clean i barely wash i barely provide like. yeah idk also ever since i had a breakdown#i feel fundamentally just. changed especially about food. and idk i have been asking for others to cook for me more but i still am waiting 4#the next time someone says you can make it yourself and i starve for the next 24 hours#idk dude i literally cannot see myself as not a work of labor. its all mama ever ranted at me about. very verbally very constantly up until#i stopped being difficult with her being the head of the family of like 12#whatever. whatever#im done blaming someone else im gonna eat my words with regret and shame :/
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/ᐠ - ˕-マ。˚ᶻ 𝗓
#tw vent#jaq is nonexistent ☁︎⋅#work is so tiring and I am so exhausted#it’s exhausting to work and it’s slightly less exhausting to not work#I’m either burdened w the stress of where my money is going to come from or (even worse) forced to have to work so I’m not broke#my food stamps aren’t on my card and idk what’s going on with that#couldn’t log in and it was just my last straw I guess I’ll put on makeup and hope me crying doesn’t look too obvious#I hate working so much the pay is always shit with the jobs around here or#if it isn’t people don’t wanna hire you for that kind of stuff#I applied for like 60+ jobs the past few months and i got two interviews#and the first one I only got bc my mom called again for me????????#do I not sound like a good worker over the phone????????#I could do everything I’m supposed to and people just will not call you back#this life is sad and miserable and I hate it and if I didn’t have my family and all my friends#I think I would’ve kms a long time ago
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#i’m having an incredibly hard time.#and i’m trying not to burden anyone else with it because i’ve already expressed so much of my grief related feelings over the last year#but this loss in particular is so incredibly profound and arguably the most painful bc it was the least complicated or nuanced#therefore i am completely and paralyzingly distraught in ways i didn’t experience with my grandma or my sister#and that’s confusing bc on one hand i wonder if it makes me a bad person and on the other hand i just don’t even care#pet grief is something entirely different#harley was and is the most important and precious thing in my life#his love was unconditional and he gave my days structure and routine#he is still so embedded in me that i have spent every day without him so far still listening for him around the house#i don’t think i’ve ever cried this consistently and so easily every day in my life#i don’t even have to try to cry or force it at all and i wonder how long it’ll take before the automatic nature of it stops#i go to sleep crying and the minute i get out of bed i am crying before i even leave my room bc i know he won’t he outside of it#my heart is so broken i feel like i’m going to suffocate#two nights ago i ran into my mom’s room sobbing before bed bc my night time routine was suddenly shortened#i can’t go to bed without putting him to bed#i didn’t know what to do i just broke down on her bed where i would tuck him in#i don’t know how i’m going to move on from this i genuinely am at my lowest point#i am Not okay. i haven’t been okay in a really long time but this has knocked me down so hard#i don’t see myself ever getting up atp
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Just canceled all of my future therapy appointments. Big fudgin’ bummer. Did I mention I lost my insurance? Didn’t even find out about that until the day it lapsed. Trying to find a way to fix it now, reapplying and whatnot, but ya know, it’s bureaucracy so who knows how long it’ll take. Just fingers crossed I don’t run out of meds first.
lol it’s underwater 🐠
#ugggghhhhh so sad#like genuinely I think my therapist rocks#he’s the best one I’ve ever had. nice and cool but no BS and just harsh enough to push me#I feel like such a baby for saying it but literally the number one thing I’ve wanted these last few weeks was to go to therapy#I had to skip my last appointment so I haven’t seen him in weeks#between my mom’s organ transplant and driving back and forth to see her everyday and taking care of my bros aaand super suicidal birthday#I’m just… I’m tired. I want to vent. I just want to spill my guts for an hour and maybe cry a lot#and I can’t do that with anyone else. I know that’s dumb to say#I 100% can’t complain to my family because ya know I gotta be strong and they don’t need me being a burden#and I love my mutuals but I don’t know any of you anywhere well enough to feel comfortable venting#I mean. y’all can vent to me all day. I’ll gladly listen to you talk about yourselves. I’m here for it. I just can’t do it myself 😕#I’m so tired and anxious and I don’t want to really get into the self harm talk but I’ve had some serious self destructive thoughts lately#I don’t know what I’m going to do#I have to believe it’ll get better#because if I don’t believe that then… what’s the point?#also.. I’m really fucking lonely. just to throw that out there. if you can’t tell by my reblogs.#I am like desperately and ravenously lonely and full of longing#and you add that to everything else it’s just the sad little cherry on top…#now I want an ice cream sundae… mmmm….#I need 1000 hugs and to sit with someone and maybe get fucked up and complain and sit in silence and and and blegh#but that’s life. it’ll be… it’ll be whatever it is.#sorry. this is a bit too heavy for this time of morning#I’ve been sick. really bad vertigo and vomiting and I’m just wiped out and sad#but I love you stranger or at least I like you enough to be okay with you reading this#okay be safe#goodbye forever#text
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obsessed w this guy who buys expensive easter eggs (like 70+ reais) n recreates them at home for. 4-10 reais.the economy man.the economy.
#nyways yes i am still expecting my egg my moms the one paying not me n after the amount of suffering she has put me through#i expect smth expensive actually in fact I DEMAND IT.#analiceoriginal.txt#being a financial burden is smth ive embraced v dearly ever since she said i was greedy for wanting a gift once#oh you want greedy ill give you greedy you little
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Isn't life just wonderful <- suffering through making a life changing decision and has no one to talk to
#cant talk to my mom she wont be unbiased. cant talk to my dad. cant talk to my siblings (also biased).#i dont really have irl friends and the person i am closest to online (you know you are). i would not feel comfortable burdening him with it!#Anyway. hahahahahahahahahahaha. im totally one hundred percent normal and fine.#mb's two am rambling
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