#I always go hard pity
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2 pulls... 2 pity... I was going to skip him but I guess...
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Ok woah so the new Nightmare exchange system is pretty good, well, better compared to previous one
So here in simple terms the new Exchange ticket system: For each summon, you get an exchange ticket in return. Which youâll be able to spend at the Exchange.
If your aiming for a specific UR+ card, and youâre relying on pity system youâd have to Summon 100 times instead of 125 or 150 which saves more DV (demon vouchers).
If youâve already exchanged 100 on one UR+ card, to exchange another you would then need 50, then 30, then 20, and stays there.
So real quick math calculation if you want Skill level 5 UR+ youâd have to exchange 220, or in other words summon 220 times. Compared to previous system more decent I guess.
Hereâs the part that I actually picked up on the most:
If your not able to or planing to reach 100 summons youâre also able to spend it on other helpful items:
Anyways this is a very simple f2p playerâs opinion whoâs pretty much content with this, better than the last one at the very least and not much detail on explaining it fully but :))
#The items are what actually made this good otherwise my reaction would have been :| âcool not too badâ#since I never really have pulled on Nightmare with 125/50 demon vouchers ready#Iâve always tested my luck and never relied on the pity system#So to be able to spend these on UR/+ or SSR Joker cards feels like not everything would go to waste#especially thinking about how hard they were to obtain at the beginning of NB#yeah I remember thinking I wasnât even going to get more than 5 UR+ Joker cards#or UR ones for that matter#obey me#obey me shall we date#obey me nightbringer#obey me nb#obey me event#obey me nightmare
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it is unfortunate when i go to prayer and cry my eyes out and the only response i really hear is that i simply have to bear it. like usually i can get my emotions out and once theyâre settled i hear a rational solution but it sucks when i donât get the answer i want. i just have to keep waiting. like normally i hear something that gives me strength but wow apparently iâve hit a new low
#literally all my problems would be so much easier to deal with if i had friends#and normally iâd be told âdo this and youâll probably find friendsâ#my plan has always been just to wait for someone to find me bc iâm horribly shy and antisocial#even though logically i know thatâs a bad way of going about it#my logical rational analytical brain has always been obsessed with finding concrete answers. itâs always been âwhat can *I* doâ#so even when i suffer thereâs a part of me that says âitâs ok once iâm done crying i can work this out and go right back to tryingâ#iâve been emotionally dead for years but iâve always held onto faith like that#tonight i feel like iâve been brought low. i feel like iâve finally been told that i might just have to wait after all#which i might think would be comforting bc it absolves me of responsibility#but itâs actually crushing bc it absolves me of power#i feel like iâm finally facing the realization that iâm powerless and pathetic and iâm never going to be able to fix myself#that i can try as hard as i want but i canât shake off this cross#but i donât know how long i have to wait for someone to find me#and even if they find me how do i not fumble it#my first instinct is to push people away bc i assume theyâre not really interested theyâre just trying to be nice#which is usually true#i donât even know how to sustain casual friendships and im so desperately in need of deep ones#i canât open up to someone without just breaking apart and making it clear how pathetic i am#one would think i ought to find someone better than myself who can fix me#but on the other hand i think the only time that the good parts of me come out is when im facing someone even worse than me#like i have a tendency to morph into the opposite of the other person in any given situation to maintain healthy balance#so like when surrounded by extroverts which is almost always i become an introvert#itâs rare to meet an introvert but then i become stronger and more extroverted around them. like something in me just loves helping others#even though i canât help myself#what do i pray for? a fellow pathetic person? or someone with the patience and kindness and life knowledge of a saint?#will either of them really be found just by chance in my life?#and even if i do meet someone. truly i wish theyâd also be lonely. i want them to need me#i donât want to be a pity charity case. like a side project for someone with real friends already
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#tmi but i've been trying to consume less fanfiction so i dont always resort to escapism and fantasy when real life gets tough but#it's so fucking hard#like i feel so alone w no one to talk to rn and everything is so hard and im having family trouble and the past few weeks have been awful#and allllll i wanna do is read and fantasize abt how ppl from the other side of the world who dont even know i exist would comfort me#or distract myself w other scenarios that will literally never happen n all it does is feed into my discontentment when real life is a bitch#and inevitably fails to match imagination#not only that but it also has a real effect on my real life relationships (or attempts at them) and i know i cant keep going like this#but as someone who's been an avid fanfiction reader for over a decade.... yea it's hard đ¤Ą#this is not a pity party or a cry for help btw i just wanted to get this out and needed to dump it somewhere#feel free to ignore it! or not idk! do what u want#mari.txt#personal#tw negative
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i haven't been this social & talkative in Years someone drag me out back
#rambling to myself in the tags just go ahead n pass by đŤĄ#u've been warned#i can feel the burnout(?) creeping up on me & its been. two days.#at least my friend is reassured i'm still in their life every few months đ#even if i end up hating being dragged out places i know a little relief feels like a lot to other ppl#but i also just. hate being involved at all. esp if its pity but also when they genuinely want to talk with me. which sucks!#i hate thinking like that. however it just feels like the most logical path sometimes yk? after (gestures vaguely) everything?#i'm childishly obsessed with the aspect of destruction. me or them carrying it out it doesn't matter#any sort of socializing feels like grinding stone together whether or not their intentions seem as pure as possible#it feels like my socializing button is broken and my battery is locked at 2% 24/7#its not that i actively try to keep myself locked in self serving cycles to stay pitiful lord knows i hate being pathetic#i despise being miserable. it may not be Everything i know. it may be comfortable or familiar or whatever edgy shit#but it takes so much energy to have any emotion. i feel like i wrung myself dry in elementary school#ultimately i know i'm capable of Having Emotions. they're just all buried beneath 78 layers of static that don't seem to be there for other#i try to be social. even when i know Deep down i like them i end up hating every interaction. no matter how smooth or funny or whatever#i seem to have this blanket that makes everything heavier on me. i don't like being weighed down but sometimes i have to comply else#i know i'll just fucking crash out for the next however many years & end up being more hurt than i began with#<- metaphor doesn't make sense bc i ditched it half way thru but you get the point#be social to the complete detriment to my health & appease others or hurt other ppl (something i don't like doing bc i know how it feels) &#end up ''''saving'''' myself (trapping myself further. lose/lose). i wish i was completely exempt to people paying attention to me#i Hate wallowing in this fucking pity. this whole woe is me evvybody huwt me so now i feel nudding :( schtick makes me feel so weak#i like feeling strong by socializing. sometimes i get this litttlee inkling of maybe i should try & put myself out there More but it always#comes with the same results. one of these days surely it'll change (<- bearer of the curse) (<- but still has hope despite denying it)#yes i'm in therapy yes i'm working on my social capacity slowly instead of getting my boundaries ran over at top notch speed by my abusers#sometimes i need to say the self pitying shit out loud to knock me to my senses & be like 'if a friend said this i'd criticize them'#'if anybody else thought that you'd cringe so hard and be filled with That Specific Misery you feel & hate so much' ohhh right. my bad
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i literally likw felt sick hust now bc i thought abt gay people and ive just realized as i was about to hit post that this sounds homophobic. it was pure envy unfortunately
#i need to have a gay moment or im going to die in real life. guys its so hard#mfw i never leave the house and im extremely closed off and distant from people and i never talk to anybody and im a shutin: When will i#meet my love.#ITS NOT GONNA HAPPENNN MY LOVE WILL NOT MATERIALIZE INSIDE MY STUPID GARAGE. PUNCHES THE WALL#also you may think connor youre not closed off you literally yap constantly about every single thought in your head. Yes. but thats to you#guys as a whole so it doesnt count#one on one conversations im so scared im like acat hiding under a bed. genuinely shaking crying#BUT I DONT NOT LIKE ONE ON ONE CONVERSATIONS I MISS THEM BADLY. i used to talk to online friends Everyday. and ugh. obvioisly.#i just like. idk. i wanna make friends but i feel like im so bad at being a person that its wah too much work to befriend me#i dont mean that selfdeprecatingly i mean like. i need the other person to make the first moves always which sucks bc thats a bad thing to#expect of someone but if i ever made the first moves i. well i just couldnt my brain would shut down its a whole thing. connor doesnt speak#unless spoken to etc. and again ik i yap on here#but thats bc this is like my diary. dms or discord or whatever Is a conversation.......sigh#but ya. and with time i think id warm up and be able to initiate congersation and reciprocate properly but thats a long time to make someone#wait. bc i also when ppl do reach out i like. im like . like w my old coworkers we were i think friends but i was like Im the only one who#thinks that they dont actually like Me so whenever they talked id be like Theyre just doing tjis to be nice or out of pity#which is a rude thought to have abt someone inknow but its like. idk .. im nonsensical#but it takes me a while to like. actually understand somebody is trying to be friends bc im obtuse as fuck#and im like Well theyre saying hello to me and amiling whenever rhey see me just to be nice or possibly bc they hate me <- stupid guy on đ
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hey siri how do I stop feeling gutwrenchingly anxious in the guilt way for using the treatment methods available to me to not be in constant misery
#starlight personal#itâs very bizarre to have my life going objectively well - work is good! personal life is good! family is good!#and still be very mentally ill and feel like Iâm faking it even though I know damn well I ainât scream-sobbing every couple of days alone in#my apartment for attention because What Attention??? my cat????? Bug is never moved by my tears she cares only for string and wires#like I know that cannabis has been immensely helpful to getting me to fucking sleep on a regular schedule and thatâs integral to -#my functioning and I know that having emergency klonopin in the event of a total breakout is helpful#and I KNOW that my PMDD and depression and anxiety are very treatment resistant and ketamine is the only thing thatâs provided any -#meaningful relief and logically I know Iâm not abusing any of these#Iâm getting a promotion at work I still go out to see friends regularly I have hobbies I have a girlfriend (??? Wild right)#like clearly these things are working because iâm better now than i was for years leading up to now#SO LIKE. DONâT STOP USING THE THINGS THAT HELP. LOGICALLY THIS MEANS THESE ARE GOOD FOR ME#I always roll my eyes when ppl go off their meds b/c theyâre feeling better like babes thatâs what the meds are meant to do#if you stop taking them you stop feeling better - but itâs REALLY HARD to get past the cultural conditioning#the feeling that âbut I can white knuckle my way through this I can force myself to live withoutâ like WHY BITCH#WE DONâT HAVE TO LIVE WITHOUT#AND ALSO. WEâRE STILL GENERALLY MISERABLE BRO. EVEN WITH OUR LIFE IN A BETTER PLACE!!!#DO YOU NOT THINK THIS MEANS THAT WE SHOULD USE WHAT WE KNOW WORKS TO BE LESS MISERABLE#basically itâs really hard to not feel like a loser when the only things that help are âfunâ drugs like weed and psychedelics#I feel like Iâm being a hedonistic reprobate which 1) is actually kinda cool now that I wrote it out#2) @ myself were not a good enough liar-faker that every medical professional we see wouldnât pick up on that if that was our motivation#time to remind myself that itâs arrogant to think I could trick many trained professionals without actively trying tbh#that generally helps me get out of my self-pitying âohhhhh Iâm awful and lazy and bad and abusing substancesâ spiral#to be very mentally ill on main it is weirdly reassuring to be like âjust as my fanon interpretation of obi wan kinda hates himself but is -#practical enough to take care of himself even when it makes him cringe and want to scratch his face off; I too am aware that self-care is -#radical and punk and In Fact Necessary to beat back the dark and live in the light with hope so yes even though I doubt and -#feel squiggly and guilty about it Iâm not going to NOT prioritize my health and well-being b/c self-hatred and self-denial benefits no oneâ#thank you inner obi wan i love projecting my issues onto you mwah mwah mwah smooches for my favorite boy!!!!!#and smooches for me Iâm going to be proud of myself gosh darn it even if I have to fake it at first#see I wouldnât be able to be nice to myself like this if I hadnât been doing ketamine treatment for a year IT WORKS BRO KEEP IT UP#SCHEDULE THE DAMN APPOINTMENT AND CLEAN YOUR BONG
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Concerning the conversation about love and hatred, I've compiled a few of the lines I've saved through these last two years that at times make me think of Jack when it comes to this topic
Estas manos, que son tuyas,
pero que al verte quisieran
quebrar las ramas azules
y el murmullo de tus venas.
ÂĄTe quiero! ÂĄTe quiero! ÂĄAparta!
Que si matarte pudiera,
te pondrĂa una mortaja
con los filos de violetas.
ÂĄAy, quĂŠ lamento, quĂŠ fuego
me sube por la cabeza!
(...)
ÂĄAy quĂŠ sinrazĂłn! No quiero
contigo cama ni cena,
y no hay minuto del dĂa
que estar contigo no quiera,
porque me arrastras y voy,
y me dices que me vuelva
y te sigo por el aire
como una brizna de hierba.
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Love has no middle term; either it destroys, or it saves. All human destiny is this dilemma. This dilemma, destruction or salvation, no fate proposes more inexorably than love. Love is life, if it is not death. Cradle; coffin, too. The same sentiment says yes and no in the human heart. Of all the things God has made, the human heart is the one that sheds most light, and alas! most night.
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It is sometimes said that the sword wears out the scabbard. That is my history. My passions have made me live, and my passions have killed me.
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Stronger than loverâs love is loverâs hate. Incurable, in each, the wounds they make.
I adore you, but I hate you too. Youâre a prison smothered in flowers. I canât stand this enchantment anymore, I canât stand being bewitched like thisâwhen I look at you, my gaze turns to nothing but a mirror of light, Iâll stare at you hypnotized for ages, and when I stop seeing you Iâll feel you, and when I stop feeling you Iâll die.
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Someone tells me: this kind of love is not viable. But how can you evaluate viability? Why is the viable a Good Thing? Why is it better to last than to burn?
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Life is a series of obsessions one must do away with. Arenât love, death, God, or saintliness interchangeable and circumstantial obsessions?
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she is the only thing of importance, because I have a God-relationship to her.
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it is not she who binds me, but I who have made use of her to bind myself.
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The thought that you exist is so divinely blissful in itself that it is ridiculous to talk about the everyday sadness of separationâa weekâs, ten daysââwhat does it matter? Since my whole life belongs to you.
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What have you done with me? he asks. I have repeated you.
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But I do feel strange-almost unearthly. Iâll never get used to being alive. Itâs a mystery. Always startled to find Iâve survived
Walking home, for a moment / you almost believe you could start again. / And an intense love rushes to your heart, / and hope. It's unendurable, unendurable
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I clung to him as though only the one who had inflicted the pain could comfort me for suffering it.
I could be free ⌠If I could pluck out the memory of him from my heart as easily as his heart was plucked from the fire, I could be free.
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I am imprisoned by devotion. I shy away from people. I am alone. I fall into depression.
She was the world That he was losing; and the world he sought Was all a tale for those who had been living, And had not lived. Once even he turned his horse, And would have brought his army back with him To make her free. They should be free together. But the Voice within him said: âYou are not free. You have come to the worldâs end, and it is best You are not free. Where the Light falls, death falls; And in the darkness comes the Light.
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I miss you like a knife in my throat.
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Only love can save me and love has destroyed me.
Should I be grateful or should I curse the fact that despite all misfortune I can still feel love, an unearthly love but still for earthly objects?
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My songs are filled with poison - Why shouldnât that be true? My heart bears a nest of serpents And also, darling, you.
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their love is like hatred
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She did not yet love him enough to be cruel to him.
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our hatred is almost indistinguishable from our love
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under the sincere guise of hatred I simply loved [âŚ], only in this type of love (repulsion) I loved him with greater strength than had I loved him in the simplest form â attraction.
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Perhaps he was handsome, perhaps I found him attractive, perhaps he repelled me too.
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Struck by the abstract nature of absence; yet itâs so painful, lacerating. Which allows me to understand abstraction somewhat better: it is absence and pain, the pain of absenceâperhaps therefore love?
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Eroticism is the brink of the abyss. Iâm leaning out over deranged horror (at this point my eyes roll back in my head). The abyss is the foundation of the possible. Weâre brought to the edge of the same abyss by uncontrolled laughter or ecstasy. From this comes a âquestioningâ of everything possible. This is the stage of rupture, of letting go of things, of looking forward to death.
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Love is madness. Doesnât everyone agree that youâd do anything, endure anything, to be with the ones you love? So either youâre willing to let them use you with any sort of cruelty, so long as they keep youâwhich makes you a foolâor youâre willing to commit any cruelty, so long as you get to keep themâwhich makes you a monster. Either way, itâs madness.
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This madness is so deep-rooted and so useful that it is impossible to realize what would become of each of us if it were someday to disappear.
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If I must die of fire, why not let me die of yours: knowing that you are the author of my doom will make it more endurable to me
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His desire for loyalty was naive, he hadnât understood that being loyal wasnât so tidy, being loyal means being disloyal to everything else.
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I have always loved you / Always dreaded you
You will betray me, as I have betrayed, / And I shall kiss the hand that does me wrong
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Listen: the way I loved you / was like my palm over a flame.
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If I have the destruction of something that I once loved to carry with me at all times, isnât it like I still have a companion?
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One can fall in love and still hate.
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and I will kill thee, And love thee after.
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Yet, other characters, namely Heathcliff, Catherine, and Lockwood, remain more actively at war with love in their adult lives. Some force, as inexorable as the wind sweeping over the moors, seems to have bent their lives into a pattern of frustration that their own struggle for relief only aggravates. Their need for love is expressed, not through loving, but through the anguish of loneliness. Paradoxically, though they do not know it, this loneliness is the one condition necessary for the fulfillment of their most profound fantasy concerning perfect love: a love, that is, perfectly protected against the threat of abandonment that in childhood these sufferers learned that love entails.
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I feel you there, in every pore. Your silence clamors in my ears. You can nail up your mouth, cut your tongue out â but you canât prevent your being there. Can you stop your thoughts? I hear them ticking away like a clock, tick-tock, tick-tock, and Iâm certain you hear mine.
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris? nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
I hate and I love. Why do I do this, perhaps you ask? I do not know, but I feel it happen and it is excruciating.
#These were just the ones I had more at hand. I have so many lines linking to this kind of dynamic#and overall the paradoxical yet logical bond between love and hatred or resentment#I think Cathy's and Heathclif.f's relationship has a lot of this but in general Wutherin.g Heigh.ts is full of these dynamics#(I adore what is going on with Isabella when we last see her in that regard. How trueâ the fact that these loves get messy)#Charles and Adam and even Cal and Aron from Eas.t of Ede.n too#I think there's much of this explored in certain arthuria.n texts#Overall it's something I adore. The blurring of lines when it comes to feelings and relationships#To me it feels way more human and way more... realistic#How things blur into each other and get messy and dark even at times and hard to define#I don't know... I really think the fandom as a whole is always paying too much attention to that line without reading the entire text#I also dislike the claims about Jack ever only loving her and doing it all for her â¨đ I also think it simples a lot what it's happening#But it doesn't bother me nearly as much because I don't see it that often#I talk too much#I should probably delete this later#'too much attention to that line' I mean the one about hating her#Full of typos but I can't bother to change them I'm feeling very lazy#Tumblr never implemented the tag modification for the app. A pity
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today's hungarian class was pure torture. please save me bsdrewatch
#nora learns hungarian#rant incoming#WHY do people sign up for uni when they don't want to study?#today was a practice class. where we practice what we learnt in language class.#and ALL the people who skip the language classes come there#they don't know the grammar. they haven't learnt the vocabulary.#so we have an exercise and they just sit there. waiting for the teacher to take pity on them and tell them the solution.#the teacher doesn't even call on me anymore because he knows i know it. so i don't get to practice at all#to most of those people hungarian is their only major#is it that hard to go to the one important class you have??#we have a test on friday#ill ace it as always and theyll all sob about how hard it is again#i dont want to judge them. i rly dont. i dont know their circumstances. maybe they have something more important.#BUT FOR FUCKS SAKE
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finally got argenti (after like going to hard pity and losing to welt first)! i also have e6 hanya and guinaifen now :')
#mari's thoughts#mari plays hsr#why do i always go to hard pity in hsr ??#but i wont complain i won my 50/50s on genshin anyways but still yknow??
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love being reminded by the "bestie" that keeps being close friends with all the girls that treated me like shit about the other friend not from that group that also treated me like shit and tried to convince others to leave me
#and she talked like it was such a pity i didnt want to try anymore to 'fix' things. i never had a problem with her#she just woke up one day and decided i was shit and deserved no friends while acting like nothing was wrong when i asked#and i didnt even learn she was talking shit until years later!!!#if she doesnt think that was messed uo what does she even think of how their grouo of friends treated me...?#i knew it was being too good a day :/ always end up finding some stupid comment that makes me feel like shit#woooo im unloveable and everyone will end up hating me sooner or later wooooooooo#maybe shes right and both that and the other Incident werent anything and im being an idiot about it#why does it even matter. they were right and its my problem for getting sad that they were saying what a horrible person i am#maybe its true and my presence does ruin everything for everyone. i should just stay home and never go out again#sigh#haunted.txt#maybe its all my fault for not trying hard enough ti earn forgiveness#even though i embarrassed myself so many times to do so and it was her shit friends that kept treating me like garbage#even after saying they forgave me and refusing to give me any apologies
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This is insane. This is a first. THIS LITERALLY MY FIRST TIME GETTING AN EARLY IN AN EVENT BANNER IM GONNA CRI.
Oh and I also got this weapon at standard early too.
#I actually got lost winds first#used the starglitter from it to pull in the event banner#If I counted correctly it should be 52-47 pity respectively#I was so shook I woke up my sister#there's skmething lucky about pulling at late nights#in my alt acc while I do not get earlys I've only lost the 5050 there once#and I pull at midnights#hmmm from now on imma pull at midnight#hahahaha#genshin impact#lucky pulls#wanderer#scaramouche#(wanderer is actually a guarantee but I ALWAYS GO HARD PITY SO IM HAPPY ABOUT THIS.)
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Logically i know that anything that isn't a boss-type enemy and doesn't have an overguard can be hard-CC'd
Which includes the good old French Blender (vauban vortex)
But somehow today was the first time i got to see lua thraxes get put through the washing machine of death and i can't even be mad that it somehow made them Very hard to shoot (and their waypoints Very confused about their career paths) bc it looked hilarious
#like it made it genuinely v hard to tell what the fuck was going on#when the thrax spawn is usually Already a clusterfuck#but seeing them get so owned was worth it#kata's chatter#warframe#squad of two wukongs running every which way and then me kinda just orbiting a vauban like a comet#running off for some murder. coming back to give him plants. vibing. oh look an enemy! okay im back#anyway im p sure we made it to 20min on that one so good for us#doesnt always happen still#god i love pity systems
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sitting in bed eating cheese absolutely stewing
#so im doing the dishes and heard a knock on the door right. and bc both my parents r downstairs i answer it#and guess fucking what? its the guy i literally switched out of french to avoid because he kept asking me super invasive questions#so im like What the fuck do u want. and he starts this whole pity story about how he was soooo worried when i kept disappearing from school#and how id sometimes come back with bruises and never explained anything to him so he had 'no choice' but to FIND MY ADDRESS and check in#his words btw. this boy told me to my FACE that me having a private life FORCED him to stalk me to my fucking home#and i just saw RED. good thing is that when i get mad i get icy and brutal so i spent five minutes telling this thick skulled idiot that#he has no right to know anything abt me that i didnt tell him and you know what he does????#this audacious motherfucker says Lets not do this on the porch. and then tries to push his way into my fucking house. thats a hard no for me#so i told him exactly what was gonna happen: he was either going to get off my property and stay away from me or i would call the cops#and remove him by force. id like to say that i literally said he had ten seconds to leave or id start throwing punches#and he goes .... Cant we just talk abt this đĽş??? so i break his nose. and i was within my legal rights to do so bc he was trespassing soooo#yeah anyways i just cannot fucking BELIEVE the entitlement and audacity of some ppl. like its my fucking life i dont have to tell u shit !!!#what the fuck!!! why do they always think im playong hard to get like ffs leave me ALONE#so that was my night đâď¸ i hope he dies !#l
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two days until the update so yelan yelan yelan yelan yelan yelan please please come home in 20 pulls or less I don't want to have to reach 80-something pity again............ for once in my gacha gaming arc i'd like primos left over ...........................
#i want to go for either her bow or save for one of my main's cons since theyve been leaked for a 4.1 banner...........#even prefarmed for her... and ive literally never done that for any other 5* so pls..... gacha gods have mercy PLEASE.#do not make me go until like 84 almost hard pity. i expect u at 70 pity max <////3#there was a vid kinsen made where he read a parody of xiao's cn 'hello' vo but w gacha luck struggles instead of the various harms/dangers#and it basically translates to: 'if you are met with a hard pity guarantee; abyss time crunch **; have no more monsters to farm mats;#(idk what this part means); if your artifact rolls always go south**; if your primo supply is severely limited; then call my name#the mighty and illuminated adeptus xiao will be summoned forth to mock (you) (<- implied)#**this is a really bad translation and it completely destroys the original format in the cn but you get the idea LOL#i wrote it down for laughs and changed it back to 'summoned forth to protect' bc. i need the luck and well wishes JKLSDJFDSKLJFDKS#OTL OTL OTL etc. pray for my wish supply bc if i have extra id like to get yelan's bow too.... or just save...#anyways shoutout to dkniade for giving the best translation of his hello vo w/o sacrificing the poetic succinctness of the original lmao#i could never only literal TLs here#ramblings!#gacha logs
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#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit#the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video#it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well#I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs#this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :)#last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse#it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks#everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years#I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing#I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds#anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared#my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am#it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me#and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms#now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip#because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph#and I should just hide in my apartment forever#and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back#I can't take this anymore#delete later
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