#I also just have a lot of thoughts on relapse and recovery | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

toomiieimagiines · 7 months ago

Note

hihihi

uhm so am i allowed to request again (i don’t wanna spam) 😭😭🙏

and if i am can u pls do a rui x hopeless romantic best friend reader (i’m totally normal about best friends to lovers lmfao)

so like the reader is always yapping about hot guys and it’s a little angsty at first because rui is thinking to himself ‘why did i have to fall inlove with someone that won’t ever choose me’ and then one day a hot guy comes up to reader and asks her out, reader is about to say yes but then she realises that she barely knew him and there was someone (rui) who had been by her side since day one and she figures out who she really loves (RUIII) so she rejects him and when rui asks why she just hugs him and says ‘because your the one i really want’ mwah mwah i feel like such a genius (i really hope this made sense lmao be prepared for a million bestie-> lovers and angst-> fluff rui requests 😼)

thank youyoyoyoyoyuuu!!

hi guys! i’m so so incredibly sorry for how inactive i have been! unfortunately, the fanfic writer curse caught up to me, and i’ve had considerably bad things happen to me! ToT

i had developed a really bad addiction after a recent episode - which may be why i’ve loved to write my characters so miserable, but they get a happy ending in the end - and have recently relapsed after a couple months. i’ve also been struggling with a lot of things, like being bullied again, pressure from theater, classes, autism, parental issues, memory of past trauma, having no friends, things like that. i’ve just been having a really hard time, so writing has been super difficult for me. i’m currently having some of the worst mental health in my life, and am un-recovering from other things i’ve had in the past too, after seeing the results of my recovery. sorry if this triggered anybody, i just needed to get this off my chest, and felt also that i should explain where i have been. you all supporting me has kept me going, and i hope you enjoy this one too! LETS END THE PITY PARTY!!!

in other - not so depressing news - here you guys go!! sorry for OOCness, obviously this is a more dramatic approach to a story! happy ending, j tried to write the inner narration differently for how you two were feeling at the time.. and ty once again for such a great idea, mama ^3^

“I don’t think I could stand to be where you don’t see me.”

If he has to sit here and listen to this one more time, he thinks he’ll go insane.

Rui Kamishiro loves you. He truly does. You’re his best friend, his partner in crime, his-

Never mind.

Rui loves you, but he absolutely HATES your taste in guys, and it’s driving him nuts. Nodding and agreeing can only get him so far before he wants to rip his own hair out, and tonight is no exception.

“I give up! All boys are dumb, I don’t need them!” You lament, resting your chin in your hands. It’s the same song and dance over and over. You swear off boys, you get attention, you get sucked in, and he has to pick up the pieces when it inevitably fails. How many times has he thought about how much better he would treat you now? He doesn’t know. He’d be a classical lover, he’d never speak to you the way those stupid unprincipled high school boys do.

Gross. That’s his best friend, why’d he think that? And when did he start being so self confident? He really outta look at himself in the mirror. What an egomaniac he’s turning out to be.

He shakes his head.

“You do know I’m still a boy, right?” He prods, trying to cheer you up. He knows this situation well, and he knows exactly how to make you feel better. Again he’d pull you out of this, and again he’d watch you fall in love.

He wishes you could be happy. He wishes you weren’t in love with being in love. You’re too pure for true love, love is disgusting, depraved, and unkind. You’re not anything like that.

“I know, I know, but you’re the only good one!” You point, words self-assured. “I don’t need a boyfriend, you do everything boyfriendy for me anyway!”

Ouch. Thanks a lot, that’s exactly what he needed to hear right now. He’s not gonna dwell on that last bit for now, he’ll wait until he’s home. Then he can- he doesn’t know. Cry, or something juvenile like that.

“So I’m back-up-boyfriend?” He masks himself in jest, smiling teasingly at you.

“Eh, maybe,” you snicker, “you’d definitely be cute if you weren’t my friend.”

He turns to his school work sharply, trying to mask his complete and utter despair. Ugh, why does he have to be so dramatic? His own personality makes his skin crawl with disgust and hatred, and that only makes him cringe more. He could think about how obnoxious he is all day. Maybe he should use that go home and cry pass early. He pretends to check the time, as if that isn’t all he’s been doing.

“It’s getting late, after this problem I should get going.” He mutters, scribbling some random numbers into his notebook. You yawn in response, being broken out of absentmindedly scrolling through your phone.

“Ugh, I wish you didn’t have to go!” You drape an arm over his torso, trying to hold him in. He smiles fondly, wrestling to get you off of him.

“I’d have to walk home in the dark then, do you want that?” He knows you’d never let him, and he sees it immediately.

Your face looks knowing, and you let him go right away. It amuses him at first, but quickly fills him with overwhelming pity. You’re so kindhearted it makes him sick. You shouldn’t worry about someone like him, it’s bad for your health.

“Would you like me to walk home with you?!” You shoot up, the idea of him not being safe running through your head. Maybe he should’ve kept his mouth shut. How emasculating! He’s not a helpless young girl! He’s just as manly as those boys who you long for, he’s not a puppy to be walked!

God, is jealously turning him into a bigot? He shakes his head once again, this time not just to clear his thoughts. He’s absolutely not letting you walk him home, it’d be mortifying. He takes your attention belly up, you should have a break. Maybe some time to yourself for a change? God, Rui, get a grip.

“I’m fine, I don’t want you out late by yourself either,” he assures, looking at you in haste.

“Ah. You have a point.”

“I always do.” He means more to that, and he wishes he could tell you. He wants you to see that even he knows what he’s talking about. He needs you to see him, just for once. Not as a best friend, or backup boyfriend, just as a regular one. As a lover who dances in the rain, or ties your shoes

He needs to stop. He shouldn’t think about you like that. It’s lecherous.

You two exchange goodbyes, giving him a long hug (much to his horror). He hates how feverish it is it hold you like this, it makes him feel guilty. His body gets hot, his cheeks flare up, his throat feels tight- it makes him feel like a pervert, even if his thoughts are the farthest thing from lewd.

He feels that everything he thinks about you is repulsive, though.

“Be safe”’s and “See you later”’s are passed between you two, and he walks down your front steps, now completely alone. His eyes scan the damp pavement, seeing the golden hues from the sky light the boring rock. That’s how he feels about you, he decides. You’re the sun, and he’s the pavement. He humors himself by thinking that your suitors are the clouds, stopping you from shining your light for him so he can grow weeds in the cracks of his soul. That’s what these feelings are. Weeds.

He wants to live life beautifully with you, he decides. He wants to tie your shoes, he wants to twirl you as you dance.

He wishes he could be the moon. Something of consequence- of importance, but he’s just the pavement. Not the earth, not the stars, not the clouds, or rain, he’s just a man made monster who destroys nature - you - and is walked over by people who do matter.

He should quit being this way, he grumbles, it doesn’t do anybody any good to be so flowery. He’s too girly- too weak. Maybe that’s why you don’t like him. If you’re willing to date anything that moves other than him, that must mean he’s on a completely new level, huh?

That’s what dreaming gets you, Rui. Crushed dreams and embarrassment.

He lets out a pitiful sigh, kicking a pebble with his shoe. He sees a worm in a lawn which reminds him of himself, he sees a couple shopping for a new game which reminds him of you, he sees a convenience store which reminds him that he’s hungry-

His life can be so mundane sometimes, what a drag.

He’s about to reach his front door, when he steps into a puddle. It feels like an appropriate representation of his life right now. A sense of disgraceful hilarity washes over him, and he begins to laugh. He laughs a while, he laughs as he takes his shoes off, he laughs as he peels his button up down, and he laughs as he lays in his bed. How dramatic he could be some times!

He falls asleep quickly. He has a dream about being on stage and forgetting his lines.

He wakes up with a thud, he fell out of bed. How embarrassing. He decides to check his phone.

Weirdo: RUII

Weirdo: wanna hang w me 2day?? u don’t have dance time right??

Weirdo: gonna kill you. WAKE UP

Me: I’m awake, sorry!

Weirdo: finally sleeping beauty

Weirdo: wanna get a snack? i’m simply starved…

Me: When?

Weirdo: an hr maybe…

Me: Okay :) I’ll tell you when I leave.

Weirdo: kay!!

He really doesn’t feel like being social today, but he’d never pass up an opportunity to see you. He’s an obscene degenerate when it comes to you, pouncing on your attention like a sick dog. It’s mortifyingly pathetic.

He gets dressed, throwing on a boring striped sweater. It’s getting colder outside recently, and he’s always ran cold anyway. His hands are shaky and nervous as he brushes his teeth, the anxiousness to see you making his body jittery. He considers breakfast, but quickly shuts the idea down. He doesn’t want to be stressed out - at least more than he already is - when he sees you. Twitchy hands lock his door, and he gets a few feet away before he double checks that he did, in fact, lock it. Pull yourself together, Rui! He screams at himself.

The walk is just as unexciting as he expected, albeit a bit chilly. He’s feeling thankful for the sweater. The breeze runs its hands through his hair, and he’s reminded that winter is coming. He always liked Autumn flowers the best, hibiscus flowers are pretty too, he supposes. It’s nice to have the warmth of the sun soothing his cold hands during summer, for sure.

He trips over a rock on the way, and his pants get wet on the knees. Khaki blends into an ugly brown, and he sighs. How unlucky, would anything go right for him today?

Turns out it will, you look really good today.

You great him at the door, practically buzzing with eagerness. It makes him smile, knowing that you do, in fact, want to see him. Or at least are acting like it. You’re a good friend to him, he’s lucky to have you.

“Rui!” You hug him as a greeting, wrapping your arms tightly around his waist. His heart soothes, eyes closing in relaxation. Problems feel obscure and distant when you two are like this, despite his reluctance last night. He can forget about corrupt feelings - or misguided love- and he can just be your best friend. Despite his apprehension to be cared for, he is flattered that you, at least, seem to like him.

“Hey.” He breaths you in, his voice soft. He hopes you don’t notice, it’s embarrassing.

“Hey!” You reply, pulling away. “Big things planned, Rui!”

“What big things?” He asks, amused. “Big things” for you were junk food and shopping.

“Big things! It’s a surprise!” You put your shoes on, and he can’t help but feel jealous as he watches your hands tie them dutifully. He sighs, stretching. He decides to make it a challenge to act normal the whole day. No weird thoughts are going to beguile his mind, he promises himself.

You lock your front door, twisting the knob to make sure that it did, in fact, lock. This fills him with a child-like sense of delight, maybe you two really were similar.

Nah, not possible. You’re too pure - too perfect. Ugh, Rui, no more stupid thoughts.

He watches you check the time, make a face at a nearby bird, and cover your cheeks with your hands. You suddenly perk up, wrapping your arms around him.

“Warm me up, will ya?” You scowl at the cool air, grip tightening. He gulps. It’s weird he reacts like this, considering you two have done things like this all the time. It’s normal, so why does he have to be such a creep? His arms wrap around yours, running his hands up and down to create heat.

“Should’ve worn a jacket,” he chides, “wouldn’t be cold, y’know?” His voice is so casual, like everything is totally fine. It is fine. Fine, fine, fine.

“Gotta look good. I’m on the hunt, obviously,” you joke. It isn’t funny to him, but he lets out a laugh.

“You’re hopeless.”

You two stop at a convenience store first, and you all but sprint to the drinks. He had this ritual down to a science. You grab two different color slushies, and he grabs whatever odd snack catches your collective stomachs eye today. Today the two of you decide to split a cookie, and walk to the counter. The cashier gives you a smirk, and he averts his eyes.

“This it?” The boy cocks his head, and you get the memo. You immediately jump on the opportunity.

“Mhm!” You wink, resting your chin in your hands while leaning against the counter. In all honestly, he wasn’t even that cute. At least, that’s what Rui kept telling himself.

“Don’t worry about it, than. I got you guys,” he waves you off. Score! You think, but he adds. “If I can get your number.” Rui feels like falling into the floor, how awkward! You just scribble it onto a stray receipt, winking.

“Thank you! You’re the sweetest!!” You singsong, skipping along with Rui following suite. You immediately burst into laughter, throwing a fake punch at Rui. “What a weirdo! Like I’d call him over what, 1000 yen?! I don’t even know him, yuck!”

So you did have some sense, he feels like letting out a sigh of relief. You hold your hands out.

“Which one do you want? I got your favorite!!” You look so proud, and he wants to laugh. His “favorite�� isn’t actually his favorite, but he’d never tell you that.

The lie started one day in middle school, when the two of you suddenly had a weird craving for slushies. When you picked them out, you had gotten a red one and a blue one, and asked him what he wanted. While he really didn’t like red, he knew you liked blue, so he said red. Now for the past four years, you’ve always ended up getting him a red one, thinking it was his favorite. He’ll deal with it for you. Seeing your blue tongue stick out with brain freeze is better than any sugary drink anyway.

“Red, duh.” He scoffs playfully, taking a sip of it. The taste doesn’t really bother him all that much anymore. It reminds him of you.

You always let him divide the snacks, thinking he gives himself the bigger half. He never does, but he eats slower so you think he did. You skip along, enjoying it.

“Y’know, this isn’t bad. Wish they had the brownie, though. That never does us wrong.” God, don’t make him think of the ‘crack brownies’ - as you two call them. Those are great, and he likes them, so you never miss an opportunity to shove them down his throat.

“Don’t complain. Remember the egg roll incident?” He points, laughing at the memory. You two steer clear of that section now, having gotten sick.

“Ugh, I haven’t thought about that in a while! I’m never eating an egg roll again after that day! Ugh,” you gag.

Moments of silly memories like this make him feel like he’s known you forever. He can’t even remember a moment where he hasn’t loved you.

“Where’re we going now, commander?” He salutes, following the trail of sunshine you left behind.

“Where ever the wind blows us, kind sir!” You salute back, pushing him along. Your constant checks of your phone don’t go unnoticed by him, and he fights the urge to roll his eyes.

“Who’re you texting? Don’t tell me it’s that guy.” He tries to sound casual, knocking his shoulder against yours playfully.

“‘M not a total idiot, I’ll have you know!” You huff, holding your phone to your chest. “It’s just somebody we went to school with a while back, ‘m seeing if I can pull the moves.”

“Do I know him?”

“Dunno, never saw you two talking, so maybe not. He was in my english class, remember, the only class we didn’t have together?”

“Ah.”

You two walk in silence, except for when he yanks you back from the collar so you don’t walk into oncoming traffic, which amuses you greatly. You two soon arrive at the small mall, and he tails you as you run with excitement. You two browse everything, constantly pointing out cute plushies, or interesting keychains.

“Rui, look! Look!” You shake him, pointing to the back of somebody’s head inconspicuously. “Wait don’t yet- Okay, now! He’s turning around! That’s the guy! What a coincidence we see him here, right? Do you recognize him?”

Ha. Yeah, he knows this guy. He definitely knows him. He’s the one who would trip him during passing periods, he’s the one who left flowers on his desk. They make eye contact, and it’s like all of his growth left his body. He’s just the same freak from middle school, he’s still thirteen.

He shudders at the guys smirk, sensing that he definitely knows that Rui knows him. He jogs over to the two of you, and Rui already knows what’s about to happen, due to the lopsided smile on your face.

Damnit, this is the first time he doesn’t think he can act like it’s okay.

“Oh wow, what a coincidence! Must be fate we run into each other like this, ehe…” You giggle awkwardly, a dumb expression gracing your face. It’s painful seeing you that way for anybody other than him, and he looks away awkwardly.

“Must be.” He answers, swaggering closer towards you. Rui thanks whatever God above because - despite his current situation - at least this asshole didn’t go to highschool with you guys.

He looks down at his shoes, and tries to shuffle away, knowing this jackass is about to say something. He’s quickly stopped.

“Who’s this, huh? Feel like a recognize him from somewhere…” He trails off, smirking through his nose as he turns his attention to him. “Have we met before?”

“This is Kamishiro Rui, he’s my friend! He went to middle school with us, remember?” You happily answer for him.

Ha, friend? What happened to back-up boyfriend? He’s a little hurt, to be honest.

He feels bitter, it’s unbecoming- God, he doesn’t care. He should feel bad for getting so angry over it, it’s not like you belong to him. He’s such a freak, getting attached to you like this.

He starts to pick at his fingers, then he plays with a loose string on his sweater. You two continue to chat like nothings wrong, and he keeps thinking. It’s something he’s gotten good at recently.

He stops feeling bad about himself for a second- a split second where he resents you, and wishes his pain upon you. Wants you to know what it’s like to be so disgustingly, guiltily, revoltingly obsessed with someone. In this split second, he can’t even find it in himself to feel guilty about it, which is unlike him. He wishes you felt love like this, that you were as psychotic about it.

But this doesn’t last long, because he remembers that he loves you more than anything. He’s lucky to be your friend. You’re a great friend, you’re an amazing person, you’re the sun, the sun, the sun.

He’s the pavement, he has to remember.

“I’m- I’ll leave you to it, y’know? Fabric store.” He stutters, choking on his voice. You don’t even notice, waving him off.

You do, however, remember to press his shoulder, uttering an absentminded “Okay, Rui, bye,” and he remembers again how perfect you are for doing it subconsciously. He lets himself feel the touch, long after he’s walked away. He deserves it after the trouble he’s reliving.

When he makes it to the fabric store - which he really didn’t need anything from, Nene had gotten some the other day - he can’t help himself from wishing he could just go home. Malls were always overwhelming already, and now his saving grace has the attention of another man. He walks through aisles, but realizes that he now has to buy something.

‘Least he knows that social cue, he laughs bitterly, running his hands across his face in frustration. He’s so ridiculous.

Meanwhile, you were chatting up a storm. It was your first time talking in person since middle school, after all! You feel giddy for a while, but it cuts abruptly. You feel a strange sense of urgency, something’s missing.

Oh, your best friend.

But where had he gone? You’re sure he was just here. You smile apologetically at the cute boy, putting on your best performance.

“Oh, I better go get my friend now. I don’t like walking home when it’s late. Was nice seein’ you, let’s hang out soon, ‘kay?” You singsong, stepping closer. You want to give yourself a pat on the back, you’re so cute.

He rolls his eyes, and you’re hit with a wave of uneasiness. That noise he made sounds strangely dismissive, he’s not the kind of guy to be a jerk though, you must be hearing things-

“Leave ‘im. Between you and me, he was a total freak in middle school. Probably is now, too. Probably likes you or somethin’, total nutcase.” His voice sounds so casual, like it’s not the douchiest thing you’ve heard all day.

You let other men walk all over you, sure. You let them cheat on you, lie, whatever. But you’re not about to stand here and insult Rui. He’s the only untouched thing in your life - the only person who isn’t cruel. He’s so gangly and awkward, but in the best way. You could live a million times and not be able to deserve him, at least you think so. He’s so unusual, and that’s what you love most about him. Little things like not liking loud lights, or liking the red slushies the best, make your heart buzzy with familiarity. He’s the one constant in your life.

You’ve been awfully worried about him recently, though. His particularly (as you like to call it) has gone to the an extreme, and it’s been a battle getting him to eat real food. You’re not blind, you see the way he’s been spacing out, or tapping a little too much. You just thought he’d been overwhelmed. He worries you to death sometimes, but despite all of his own struggles, he always seems to not care about it, deciding to always be there for you instead. Ah, he’s just such an amazing guy - no, not guy, he’s not anything like those other boys you talk to. He’d never insult someone like that. He’s not just a guy, he’s like your person.

Yeah, he’s definitely your person.

Your heart sputters at the thought, and you feel something you’ve never really felt before - save for hugs between the two of you that lasted just a second too long, or words a little too romantic. The feeling makes your mind fuzzy, and your heart hurt terribly with something you could only place as homesickness.

Oh.

“I,” you begin, backing away. “Yeah, I’m sorry but I’ll really be going now-“

“What? C’mon I was just messing with you, even though having guy friend’s kinda weird.” He rolls his eyes.

“Yeah whatever, I’ll call you back,” you say dismissively.

You’re totally lying, you laugh, you’re not calling him back.

He didn’t seem to like that.

“Damn, can’t even joke around with you people. Whatever, weirdo, sorry I insulted your little boyfriend.” The change in tone amuses you.

Yeah, good riddance, pal.

You turn away, walking through the mall with pace. It takes a while, but you spot him watching a pet stores aquarium.

He’s a funny one.

You wave your hands, trying to get his attention. He swallows, knowing that it’s probably to ask him if it’s cool to walk home by himself. Emotions are stupid, and ironically, you both think that at the same time.

“Rui! Rui! Hey c’mon, let’s go home, yeah?” You smile, face feeling warm. It’s a different feeling from when you usually talk to him. He looks at you, a little shocked. He had assumed you were smiling wide because you set up a date, so he turns his head.

“Where is he, huh?” He looks away, back to the fish tank. You shift in place, was he mad at you? You’re a little irritated at the mention of the guy, though, and huff.

“Don’t worry about that. Seems like I only attract douchebags, so I decided to go.” You explain, poking his shoulder. “Hey,” you start, “let’s just walk home, I wanna talk to you about something.” The idea makes you feel dizzy, but you’ll have to illustrate your feelings one day.

You can leave out the “I think I’m in love with you” part, you think.

The two of you walk in an excruciating silence, staring down at the reflection of the setting sun in the puddles. His heart tightens, remembering his earlier comparison. Even now, you’re so perfect. Even if he’s frustrated with you - despite you turning down the guy in the end (he doesn’t know why, he wanted to ask) - even if he’s ready to scream, and cry, and ask you what it is he did for you to be so turned off by him, he still thinks you’re the most heavenly, divine person to ever grace his view. He wants to be where you see him, he wants to be in your orbit.

“You’re like the sun-“ He blurts out, immediately regretting it. He didn’t mean to say that, God, he’s so fucking stupid. He sees you stop walking, smiling that same stupid, dopey, lopsided smile that he’s always so jealous of-

Oh. It’s for him.

He chokes, stopping to meet you eye-to-eye. You look up at him too, laughing giddily.

“What does that mean?”

He sputters, stepping away. “N-no it’s nothing- It was stupid anyway so-“

“No, tell me!” You urge, laughing a little harder. “What if it was something bad, ‘nd you were making fun of me? That’s not nice, Rui!”

“I- Hey-“ His voice goes a touch higher, a defensive tone rising. “That’s not-“

“Then tell me.”

“It’s just,” he breaths, trying to word it in the least creepy way possible. How does convey the fact that he sees you as a divine presence, that he sees himself as a worthless creature compared to you, without sounding like he’s hopelessly possessed by love for you? “I just- you’re so amazing,” he starts, “I thought of this stupid thing the other day when I was walking home - you know how I am - and well, I just thought of you when the sun reflected off the pavement - since it rained, y’know? - and well, it just- Sorry, it was dumb-“ He rambles, covering his face in anguish.

Nobody’s ever put that much thought into you. Sure, you’ve received a few ‘You’re so gorgeous’’s, where you’ve had to wonder where they learnt such a “big word”, but never something as poetic as that. The usual Rui-ratic explanation endeared you to him even more. You look at him, the smile never leaving. He’s just… so Rui. His stupid striped sweater, his half up hair - that you’d begged him to grow out - his eyes, whatever. Everything about him you treasure, and little do you know he cherished you even that more intensely.

“I think you’re the moon, Rui. Or maybe the earth, since I take care of you, hah!” You snicker, stepping closer to him. He takes a step back in return, and you grab his hands to make him stay put. His heart throbs, and he almost goes crashing down.

“I.. I don’t-“

You yank his hands, making him look back up at you. “Hey, Rui, I,” you look at him assuringly, “I wanna say something, and you can’t laugh okay?”

He holds his breath, so do you.

Fuck it, just tell him.

“I think I’m in love with you, Rui.” You gaze at him, the words shooting out faster than you can second guess them.

“I don’t-“ He breaks away, his fists balling up. You messed up, you think, you really, really messed up. “I’m not- I’m not going to- You can’t just say that because you got rejected. I- It wouldn’t be nice to- You don’t love me-“

“Rui,” you beg, grabbing his arm again, “holding hands on the way to school, cuddling while doing homework, knowing everything about eachother, these aren’t-“ You breath, “I’ve wanted somebody to love me for so long, Rui, and I was so blind to the fact that I was loved. But the love that I felt for you, - that I feel for you - Rui, isn’t the kind where I can be- where I can just be so- so normal about those things!” You monologue, saying whatever’s on your mind. You’re the rambling one now.

“I found myself comparing you to these piece-of-garbage dude’s I’m always with, wishing I could just date somebody like you instead! But now I realize that it is you-“

His heart falls into his gut, and he breaks free from you again. His hands move to his face, covering his eyes. His voice is broken and cracky as he begins to cry. “That was- you-“ He pulls you into a desperate embrace, arms holding you like you’ll disappear. “You shouldn’t, you’re wrong.” He sobs, “I’m- the way I love you is- You don’t understand, the way I feel isn’t normal I- My love is disgusting, and horrible, and depraved-“ He shakes, you rub his back. “You are so perfect compared to me, I’d never be able to- I love you so much, more than friends are supposed to, more than anyone’s supposed to at our age-“

“Rui, hey Rui please don’t cry.” You beg, smoothing out the ridges in his sweater. “I don’t- I don’t agree with that, and I can scream that at you, but I’m sure you won’t believe me. You’re not disgusting for feeling emotions different, Rui that’s what I love about you.”

“Stop- stop saying my name like that. It’s too hard to-“

“Rui, I love you. You don’t need to accept it, but I love you. More than being in love, more than being loved-“

“I love you, too,” his voice cracks, “that’s why I’m so scared. I don’t want to ruin a friendship that’s all I have, if this is just- I’m scared I’d lose you in any way, and I can’t live in a world where you don’t see me. I won’t. It’s sounds horrible but-“ He stops as you pull away from the hug, and wipes his face hastily. You put your pinky out, and his stomach drops again.

“C’mon, just like when we were kids. Pinky promise that no matter what, we’ll always see each other. That way you don’t need to worry anymore, y’know? I never break my kissy pinky promises, ever.”

Just like when you two were little.

He locks his with yours, just like you taught him all those years ago. He remembers your shared handshake for theater, he remembers your shared handshake for testing, and he remembers the song you two had to duet for choir - when you have forced him into it for a year. He holds everything of you so dear to his heart, you endear everything about him to you as well.

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“I see you.”

“I see you, too.”

You two kiss your hands, then bring them down, still interlinked. You stare at him, and he stares back at you. In a moment of profound sincerity, you lean forward, and kiss him. It’s slow and gentle, and you unlock your hands half way through to hold his face, which he mirrors. His heart settles for the first time. You see him. He’s your moon, your earth, you’re his sun, his stars.

He’s suddenly alarmed by a quick pushing off of him, gasping out a “Rui!”

“I-“ he pants, wiping his mouth. “Hm?”

“we’re in the middle of a park!”

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illdowhatiwantthanks · 11 months ago

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hii can u please write an emily x reader fic where emily sees readers sh scars for the first time? and kisses them or smt? if not don’t worry :))

Of course! :) Thanks so much for the request! I hope you enjoy!

Tracing You

Emily Prentiss x fem!reader Warnings: past self-harm, mental illness, trauma, implied sexual assault/abuse (nothing graphic though!), mentions of afab body parts, discussions of sex Word Count: 1.6k

Summary: You and Emily have been dating for over a month, and you've still haven't let her get to second base. You're scared she'll see your self-harm scars and run for the hills. But, eventually, you'll have to expose them.

You knew it was coming. You always knew, and you always hated it, hated to cut everything short.

Emily was kissing you hard, passionately, as you both lounged on her couch, and you kissed her back. The movie you’d started earlier was long-forgotten. You loved kissing Emily. You could kiss her forever. You loved the way she pushed her body into yours until she was nearly on top of you, as if she physically couldn’t stand to be apart from you–even one centimeter apart. You loved the way she snuck her tongue into your mouth, somehow gentle and rough at the same time. You loved how her fingers felt against your flushed skin–cool and electric. The way she smiled into you. She gave you butterflies.

But you also knew that any minute now, she’d pull up on your shirt, as if asking for permission. You knew that her hands would sneak a little higher up on your torso, and she’d watch you to make sure you were okay. And you knew that, just like you always did, you’d gently push her hands back down, gently tug your shirt back into place, and continue kissing her like nothing had happened.

But that was the problem–nothing had happened. Nothing would happen because you couldn’t bear to let Emily see what was under your shirt. It wasn’t that you were modest, that you had a hard time with sex. What you had a hard time with were the scars that dotted your breasts like a galaxy, scars that even the best of sports bras couldn’t hide entirely. You wanted Emily and, god knows, she wanted you. But you just knew that she’d see them–see those red streaks painted across you like an oil painting of flames–and one of two things would happen.

She might see them and feel sorry for you. And you’d seen that kind of sorry before. It was the kind of sorry that swallowed relationships whole, that changed the way someone thought about you, looked at you, loved you. And you hated that. You were six years into recovery, no relapses, and you were proud of that. You wanted the people who loved you, who saw you at your most vulnerable, to know the you that you used to be, but to love the you that was now. And so often it seemed that people got stuck on the you who dragged safety pins across your skin. You weren’t her anymore. You’d worked hard not to be.

Even worse, Emily might see the scars and find you disgusting. She’d see that there had been something wrong with you, with your brain. She’d know that at some level, there was still something wrong with you. After all, your trauma, your mental illness–they hadn’t gone away. You had spent a whole lot of years in therapy and on medication to deal with them, but they were still a part of you, a part of your story. They were a part that was hard to look at. Even for you. You found those parts of yourself ugly, believed they deserved to be hidden–much like your scars. How much uglier would they be to Emily? Emily, who wasn’t in your mind, who didn’t know what had come before or during or after, and could only see what was left–the evidence that you were not okay.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, Emily’s fingers slipped under your shirt, tentatively dancing up your torso. You let out a shaky sigh and grabbed her hands in yours, deepening the kiss, hoping it was enough to distract her. But it wasn’t. Not this time.

She pulled back and watched you with furrowed eyebrows.

“What?” you prompted, flushing and trying to act like nothing was wrong.

She bit at one of her nails as she watched you, and you pulled her hand away to hold it between both of yours.

“Are you…” She hesitated, like she didn’t quite know how to ask. “Do you want to… break up?” She looked sad, scared. And, for your part, you were sure you looked absolutely shocked.

“What!? No! No, Em, of course not!” You ran gentle fingers over her face, trying desperately to communicate that you absolutely didn’t want to break up and would, in fact, like to never, ever break up.

“You just…” She sighed, picking at her fingernails again. “I love making out with you, but you never want to go any further. And I get it if you’re not ready, that’s completely fine. It’s just… it’s been a while, and I want to make sure you’re not here because… you know, because you feel like you have to be.”

You stared at your hands. You felt like your guilt might swallow you whole. Here you’d thought you were playing it cool, but realistically, what would have been the end game? Never having sex with Emily? Never letting her see your body? You’d been in relational limbo for over a month now, and it had been stupid, so stupid, to assume there wouldn’t be any consequences. She thought you didn’t like her! She thought you weren’t as into her as she was into you! And it was exactly the opposite–you were so into her that it scared you, so into her that it was scarier than it had ever been to show your scars. The thought of losing her–already, even so early on–was terrifying.

“Emily,” you started, rubbing your thumb over her hand. “I’m here because I want to be. I really like you.”

She blinked, thinking harder. “Am I… am I doing something? You know, that makes you… not want to–”

“Oh god,” you groaned, burying your head in your hands. “No, Em. No. You’re beautiful. You’re perfect. I do want to.”

You sighed and looked at her. Her head bent, hands worried. Your self-consciousness was making Emily self-conscious. And you really couldn’t bear that she’d think less of herself because of you.

“Take off my shirt,” you said, bluntly.

“What?”

“Take it off. It’s okay.”

Emily fiddled with a stray piece of upholstery on the couch. “I don’t know, Y/N, this doesn’t seem like the right mood for—”

“Emily,” you pleaded, squeezing one of her hands. You knew if you didn’t do it now, you might never. “Please.”

Emily watched you with concern, but did as you asked, slowly lifting your shirt up and over your head.

You looked up to the ceiling, exhaling shakily, willing yourself not to cry. She would see them. She was seeing it. She saw them. You didn’t know if you could ever look her in the eyes again. You didn’t even know if you could look at yourself.

You felt Emily’s hand press gently into yours, but you still couldn’t bring yourself to look at her. Then you felt one of her fingers, cold for the shock of it more than the actual temperature, at the top of your breasts, the part that peeked out from the bra, littered with angry, red lines that had only somewhat faded over the years.

You felt her trace one of the scars, the whole, long trajectory of it, with her finger, and then when she reached the end, she leaned forward and planted a kiss at its zenith. Your breath caught in your throat as she continued following the scars, kissing you again and again and again until–though you’d worked so hard not to–you had stray tears leaking down the side of your face.

Emily grasped your face in her hands, so gently, so gingerly, and lowered your head, using her thumbs to brush the tears from under your eyes. You still couldn’t meet her eyes.

“Y/N, look at me,” she said softly, caressing your face. You finally forced yourself to look into her eyes, and what you saw there surprised you. It wasn’t pity and it wasn’t disgust. It was something new. Admiration and respect. And–maybe, just maybe–love?

“You’re beautiful,” she told you, staring at you pointedly, holding your face so that you couldn’t look away. “You’re beautiful, and that’s all we’re gonna say about it unless you want to talk more.”

“I feel like you should–” you said, your voice breaking a bit as you sniffled. “You should know why and– and when, and–”

“I am happy to listen to anything you want to tell me,” she assured you. “But I don’t want you to feel like you have to. It’s your story, and you can tell me what you want, when you want. Believe me, though,” she said, smiling mischievously. “I don’t need any more information tonight if you’re not ready.”

“Really?” you asked.

Showing the scars had been hard enough. You didn’t really want to talk about your hellish high school and college years, the man who had touched you there and made you want to rip all your skin off, the years of therapy, the relapses, the depression, the medication. You’d tell her. You’d tell her all of it, you knew. But right now, you wanted to reap the rewards of being brave. The rewards being Emily.

Emily nodded and winked at you, then leaned in to brush her lips against your ear. “Y/N,” she whispered. “The only information I needed was that you had boobs under there.”

You blushed and grinned at her, wrapping your arms around her neck and pulling her in for another heated kiss.

When you pulled away, Emily was nearly panting. You smirked. “I showed you mine. It's your turn.”

#emily prentiss #emily prentiss x reader #emily prentiss x fem!reader #hurt/comfort #self h@rm #emily prentiss fanfic #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic

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coachbeards · 2 months ago

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started thinking again about wealthy people utilizing severance for pregnancy and childbirth, but then I went down the thought process of….severed drug rehabilitation centers for the elite.

drug use, especially cocaine/party drugs, are quite common with wealthy individuals, especially their trust fund kids.

imagine you’re a twenty something kid of a wealthy senator, and you’ve been partying too much, indulging too much…and you have the chance to be able to recover from drugs without any of the nitty gritty difficulties getting clean forces you through. you have a lot of money, prestige…….and lots of rehabs for the elite in the real world are built like spas, lucky places only people with money have access to.

imagine you’re the innie, the one whose entire existence is withdrawal and drug recovery. who is craving what you’ve never even had, nor even know about…the terrible, excruciating symptoms where your body is turning itself inside out, you’re shaking and nauseous, and you don’t know why. you have no choice but to endure this as your life, your every molecule is this.

there’s already a lot of dehumanization that comes with drug use, but this is quite actually as Literal as they can be.

especially if your outie ever relapses, because chances are good that they will (relapses are common in general, but when you factor in the idea that the outie’s pros outweigh the cons as they’ve never experienced withdrawal to the extent of the innie,,,,,), you’re right back to where you started. you’re feeling better, getting better, then the next thing you know you’re at the beginning of withdrawal again, and you just. have to do it.

and the severance procedure is even riskier than usual, as drug use already does so much damage to the brain as is…but adding in brain surgery and implantation of the chip? yeah. so they most likely need to use drug addicts as….well. guinea pigs. test subjects. lumon would probably recruit individuals from low income black and brown communities, also probably prisoners,,,,, “lesser” people to experiment on for the benefits of the predominantly white upper class….hm.

#severance #couldn’t stop thinking abt severed rehab clinics for the elite it makes me so sick #bc they definitely would #if you could get clean from drugs without actually having to do the hard work #hm!#and they have the money and the lack of care that they can relapse bc. who cares #my parents will foot the bill no matter what and it’s not Me going through recovery! it’s my innie!#not that coherent but someone else can do it

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drdemonprince · 5 months ago

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hello, (former) abuser friend anon back again, I just wanted to sort of answer the other anon’s question and thank you for your thoughtful and comforting response.

To answer: I do feel fully relaxed around this person, for better or for worse, and I do trust them to not repeat their behavior because I have had to be in conflict with this person (a huge part of being friends/expressing love, imho) and they have handled it calmly and respectfully and made me feel heard and supported, and I have seen them do that for a lot of people in their current community, and my new one. I don’t expect them to be perfect, and honestly I don’t expect them to never be tempted to reach for the toolset of abuse as you both have described it. But I expect them to react better and better every time they are confronted with something they find triggering, and also to handle the conflict that comes from reaching from those toolsets with the love and care I expect from my friends. I hope that’s the right thing to do and not enabling, but as you noted Dr Price said I’ve never forced their victims to share space with them, and I don’t feel very protective of this person in the sense that I think the other anon is talking about). But it’s all very complicated and if my feelings change in the future I think that’s okay too, and if they revert back to their prior self they know that they’ll lose my relationship to them. But truly from the bottom of my heart thank you both, I feel like I have gained some ease in my reflection of this relationship <3

awww thank you so much for messaging Anon. That upward, cyclical process of working through conflicts and learning new and better strategies is what recovery looks like, I think. And truth be told, as someone who has done plenty of things I regret, I've learned a lot from engaging in productive, healing conflict with people who have done their share of bad things, too. If anything, I feel more accepted when i'm around people who can own their shit and show the capacity to change than when i'm around people who either demand perfection or seem entirely stuck. In my life I've only known a small handful of completely unrepentant abusive people -- and those are the types I never want to be around. The majority, instead, have been simply really traumatized and neglected folks who reached for what limited tools they had for a very long time, and were downright relieved to find something better to do. They've wanted to keep learning new ways of dealing with things. I hope you and your friend continue to have a good time learning from one another, and it's heartening to hear that you're in a pretty secure-sounding place, should that ever change. Sometimes people take big steps backward when they're ill, relapsing, injured, experiencing loss, and so on -- and you always have the right to take your distance if that's how it goes. But there's always a possibility of us learning to work through the roughness better, and together.

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shadowscommand · 8 days ago

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hiii👋👋👋 can i ask how u view the dynamics in the spetsnaz group? if its not too much just how everyone views each other:) im curious w the random implications of bale n rodion hooking up

ohhh i love thinking about the spetsnaz dynamics. Maybe too much. Im writing this in google docs like its a dissertation. BUT theres like 5 ways to think about this either with my brain or with my dick im going to use my brain first. AKA from a minimalshipping pov:

this is something ive said a bunch of times but i rly do think they get along very well. EVEN nikto-minotaur which is strained bc there is a clash of personalities. I wont get into like introvert vs extrovert nikto bc nikto is a special case every interaction with him is like on a day by day basis affected by his mood and just how hes feeling about someone/social interaction in general that week. his competitive nature + his toxic masculinity which was made worse by his torture especially makes minotaur like a target for him a little bit (as ive said in this post). minotaur rly is like a mirror that can make nikto really uncomfortable. And nikto makes Minotaur uncomfortable (as said here) bc he really understands nikto is struggling and he sees it but its a lot to put on someone. + just the chaotic and unpredictable nature of it is lowkey scary to maxim. i think overall their relationship is strained, not close, but also not actively hostile. Minotaur strikes me as someone who is very compassionate and emotionally pretty competent (not perfect but better than nikto for sure) who does his best to stay out of niktos way. They could easily commiserate about suffering from alcoholism but it would be the most base level acknowledgement of them both facing similar issues with drinking to cope with sadness (i imagine that while minotaur never pries in nikto harming himself he would speak up about nikto drinking. He knows what a slippery slope relapse can be (pragmatic as well bc a pissed off drunk nikto would not be any fun.)).

Rodion would fucking love minotaur though.. Hes fun and hes got a LOT of stories hes got cute kids hes very openmindedd he really does NOT judge (is nikto jealous? yes) is bale jealous? Yknow it does sort of suck to see your twin be the blossoming flower everyone flocks to. And this would be something hes felt since they were young (shameless plug) buuuttt. Bale has a presence in spetsnaz hes got a story to him and people Do really like him. So as an adult bale is very confident in his job and who he is so while theres some underlying tension there, overall the jealousy is very minimal. Also. Obviously. Theyve had some drama.

Minotaur (obviously, as he feels responsible) Really took it hard that bale “died.” i always wonder how this occurred to him. Like if he feels guilty bc it was his idea to join the military, or if it was some miscommunication during the mission which got bale hurt, Or the most dramatic and rly my favorite option: that it was some friendly fire that got bale downed. And when did he leave? Was he told bale wasnt moving and had died and he ran? Did they have to leave bale and the strain of that made him run? He didnt know bale was alive for 10 years he hid from his family for 10 years. That is some extreme trauma to go through and then find out the thing you were beating yourself up over wasnt even true. And bale has spent the past 10 years regaining his ability to walk + existing outside of what gives him the most confidence. All with his brother missing ! im sure theres some mannerisms and thought processes that they didnt see in the other before that they see now. But theyre twins. Twins r weird and insanely close. Their relationship is maturing into a beautifuw brotherhood.

And speaking of brotherhood. bale and nikto have a lot of respect for each other: theyve both been thru periods of recovery for massive injuries, theyre very skilled, & neither one of them are big on talking. I feel like they probably had a very short adjustment period of working with each other bc they just sort of clicked. Bale is like not scared of nikto at all (BUT HE IS AWARE HE CAN BE A DANGER). he can read his warning signs, he doesn't get in his way arbitrarily, and they have rly similar senses of humor. I think it helps as well that nikto doesnt see him as a threat bc while i do figure bale is more of the leader of spets on paper in the field, hes not like diehard intense about it he listens to ideas hes flexible uhh and he trusts niktos judgement. Any of nikto’s Weird Shit is just Nikto’s shit and bale doesnt gaf and nikto likes that. I DO ALSO THINK.. Bale knows the most about nikto’s past like hes been told things by kamarov that are important to know. And nikto likes that he never holds any of that against him and doesnt try to spread it. Hes a very respectful man so nikto respects him.

And it is a bit of like.. Like nikto isnt going to respect minotaur bc even tho hes a very large, skilled, grown man hes also not like hypermacho which nikto would just see as weakness. Whereas bale is very much A Guy like hes just a dude. AND RODION.. Rodion is a babbyy bro thats a baby on the field.. None of them Are babying him (well. Minotaur might a little bit. Hes lowkey motherly imo) but they are all very aware hes like. New to this more serious side of combat. And hes the medic ! he has field medic training ! that shit is stressful ! but he handles it and hes very excited for everything and driven. they literally would all love rodion.. Truly the sunshine of the group. Him and minotaur would click like nikto and bale click. they would hype each other up soo much they would have so much fun. AND BALE ?? rodion would be so excited to be working with bale. When he meets bale and bale is genuinely a cool guy, Actually straight up a cool guy, he would become even more enamored with him. Star struck for a long time before they become real friends where rodion doesnt put him on a pedestal.

And of course……. Nikto to rodion.. Like minotaur, rodion would initially be scared of nikto. Rodion really isnt small hes like 5’10 decently muscled but nikto is like fucking huge.. And he just Looks mean and he Would look meanly at rodion at the start like rodion is hyper. He talks a lot. Their first meeting (esp w how he would instantly get along super well with minotaur) nikto just thinks of him as a smaller, younger minotaur he would not be interested. AND hes a baby nikto doesnt want to be a fucking babysitter.. But rodion is very smart and much more laid back than he lets on he can really calm himself down to match nikto’s level. Little bit of a social chameleon bc hes a very charming guy. Rodion like. He Likes to be Liked. Its important to him to be fun and likeable. So he will act accordingly around nikto he’ll quickly learn his body language and how to read his expressions. I think even if they didnt fuck rodion would earn nikto’s respect and he would stop being scared of him relatively quickly.

But yknow. I want them to fuck. So. Uh rodion changing his energy level to match nikto would sort of like signal to nikto that he can hit. Genuinely that’s the entire crux of what gets them started. Rodion is smaller than him, more submissive socially than him, cute, womanly (in the eyes of a misogynist); nikto wants to fuck him. Its like dudes who think cashiers are hitting on them bc they smiled at him. Hes LUCKY that he also happens to be rodions type. Rodion likes a challenge and nikto is a CHALLENGGEEE. Nikto is so resistant and rodion is so hardheaded its the perfect recipe for a tumultuous relationship which makes it so rewarding for rodion to rein it in.

U might think like. Well. he likes bale. Bale is normal. It would be easier to fuck and try to date bale and it would but again rodion likes a challenge. Bale is just like.. Too casual about it all. + the element of hero worship i think changes how rodion feels about it like he just expects a bit of fun out of bale a little extra to their friendship and thats exactly what he gets. And it Is a lot of fun bale’s a good fuck and so is rodion they have good times. It just doesnt have the same fun drama as nikto… But. it would also be easy for them to treat fucking rodion as a competition which i dont think rodion would like bc its a bit disrespectful to him as a person. Like hes not a prize. And he doesn’t think of them as the same. I need 2 explore this in a fic its why i want to write some bale/rodion/nikto.

And minotaur, in the middle of all of this, is just worried for rodion overall. I Do Think he would be surprised bale gets involved at all bc its a very rocky situation between nr and it seems like more drama than bale would enjoy. But it is a little bit of bale’s own sense of dominance peeking thru like he just cant help it its a dude thing an alpha dog thing.. That minotaur just doesnt get into bc he has confidence in himself. And its kind of scary to minotaur that rodion gets in the middle of it. Its kind of scary to him that if nikto has a meltdown of some sort rodion will probably be the closest to him physically and could easily take the brunt of an attack that he rly wouldnt be ready for. Nikto genuinely trying to hurt rodion would be really bad. Hes very brutal. And minotaur keeps that in mind. But yknow so does bale he likes to keep an eye on it. Might as well get his dick sucked too. Maybe bent over or bend rodion over at the same time.

And also why i wanted to write more for beg! It kind of got away from me and its a lot to express. As seen in this probably very confusing ummmm 1,800+ word answer to an ask on tumblr dot com. I have a lot of thoughts thank u for asking me about them :)c i hope u were ready for all this + the additional reading. i think as a whole they work together great they all just yknow. Have their ups and downs. They work a lot of shit out together…. And then Nikto goes AWOL. planned or not

#call of duty modern warfare #call of duty headcanons #cod nikto #nikto cod #dmitry bale #maxim minotaur bale #nikodim rodionovich egorov #call of duty #niktodim #mwmp #asks #anon

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imagining-in-the-margins · 1 year ago

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New Beginnings CM Challenge 🌱

The following are prompts involving a new relationship, fresh start, etc.!

This event is over (Masterlist of Fics here), but you are welcome to use any of these prompts. If you would like to be added to the existing Masterlist of entries, please check out the Rules below!

🌧 Prompts 🌱

Describe Character's first day at the BAU

Character celebrates a milestone of sobriety

Characters are getting the hang of being new parents

Character goes overboard with New Year’s Resolutions

Character decides to try something new in the bedroom

Character is entering the dating scene after their divorce

Character changes career paths with a very different job

Character introduces their new partner to their kid

Character comes out as trans and introduces themselves

Character finally agrees to get set up with a date after a long dry spell

Character learns to navigate their everyday life after a traumatic event

Character escapes an abusive relationship and the recovery is harder than they thought

Character swears that this year they will definitely fulfill all their New Year's resolutions

Character just came out as LGB and goes on their first date with someone of the same sex

Character decides to cut off a member(s) of their family, and the team reminds them that they still have a whole lot of (found) family left

Character lost a partner and swore they would never love like that again... but that hasn't stopped them from falling in love in a different way

Character got a pet for the first time and they realize how much easier it is to take care of themselves when someone else is counting on them

Character had previously come out as something, but then realized they were something else... coming out is even more daunting the second time

More prompts below + Make your own!

🌤 Dialogue Prompts🌻

"The time will pass anyway." (Earl Nightingale)

"If you jump, I jump with you."

"I can't wait to see who you become."

"I love every possible iteration of you."

"To be brave, you must first be afraid." (Bear Grylls)

"You aren't alone in this. None of us are." (Baldur's Gate 3)

"Is it too late to go back?" "Don't you dare."

"This is all new to me." "What?" "Being happy."

"I don't know what I'm doing." "No one does. That's life."

"There are always a million reasons not to do something." (The Office)

🌒Character Specific Prompts🌲

Spencer's life after prison is nothing like before

Spencer decides to pursue his dream of being a cowboy/rancher

Spencer becomes dedicated to turning his life around after relapsing

Spencer doesn't think about Maeve on a special occasion for the first time

Hotch finally stops wearing his old wedding ring

Hotch embraces his role as a single dad

JJ's children are almost grown, and she struggles to reconnect with who she was before she was their mother

Penelope realizes she doesn’t like the person she’s become after leaving the BAU, so she decides to change

Lauren Reynolds died—it’s time Emily start acting like it

Rossi struggles with suddenly becoming a (grand)father

🍂Rules🍃

The fic can be a Reader insert, an Original Character, a character/character ship, a platonic ship, or a Gen fic. It can feature any Criminal Minds character. AUs and crossovers are more than welcome.

Tag me in the fic, or send the link to me in a Direct Message. It can be already written, or you can write it for the challenge - I’m collecting both! You can also tag it “#mentioningmargins” which is a tag I track.

The fic can be any genre, but ONLY send me smut if your bio states you are 18+. I DO NOT WANT smut written by minors. Ever. At all. I will check. Platonic ships and pure, fluffy fics are 100% allowed.

Please include Content Warnings and a one-sentence Summary of the fic in your post.

Have fun!

The Masterlist of fics will be posted around March 1. If you finish after that, no problem - just send me the fic once you’re done and I’ll add it after-the-fact!

Feel free to message me if you want help developing a plot, have any questions, or just want to gush about your fic. I’m happy to help, and I’m happy you’re here ❤️

Happy Writing!

#cm writing challenge #cm challenge #cm writing prompts #criminal minds #criminal minds fanfic #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid smut #criminal minds fic #criminal minds fandom #criminal minds fanfiction

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falloutnewnobody · 27 days ago

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lost this post twice because tumblr mobile ui hates me but yeah daniil dankovsky ed headcanons because i saw something that made me think of it earlier and now i cant stop thinking about it. (also the highest honor i can bestow on my blorbos is my specific brand of bulimia so yeah)

obligatory eating disorder and suicide mention trigger warning. i try to avoid triggering shit but this is also an eating disorder hc post. there's gonna be descriptions of thought processes and mentions of behaviors.

daniil dankovsky strikes me as a classic case of "undiagnosed autistic, perfectionist, mentally ill tween/teen who feels like they have no control over their life and develops AN (anorexia nervosa) as a means to cope," (i can also see him having a lot of health mortality anxiety in the vein of "if i dont eat perfect i'm going to die before i can cure death,") His parents forced him into treatment because he was like. yk. dying and shit. which was traumatizing as hell because treatment, especially forced treatment on an autistic person is like that 70% of the time.

Then he just kinda spends the next few decades caught up in the "liminal space of wanting to relapse in full again but doesnt have the resources or mental ability to -> relapse -> quasi recovery -> liminal space cycle," his first relapse was AN -> BN (bulimia nervosa) and he's been on and off that bulimia grind a la The Liminal Space Cycle ever since.

I give him bulimia not just to project but also because i like the idea of him kicking himself for having a "lesser" ed. (a common ed thought is the heierarchy of eds, where some are considered "better," than others)

He's extremely high functioning, excpecially during his liminal space and quasi recovery periods in large part due to his abuse of substances to combat some of the more glaring side effects and medical knowledge making him the king of harm reduction. Even when he gets bad, he's scarily good at hiding his ed (gloves to hide russel's sign. multilayered clothing, smoking to hide the smell. i have more specific examples but dont want to give tips yk) until it reaches critical mass and he's lost the ability to do his work, which along with external support from colleuges and people who look up to him, kicks him into quasi recovery.

i think he was knee deep into a relapse when he went on his steppe vacation due to the stress of probably losing Thanatica (and also autistic burnout, a bunch of other mental health and substance abuse issues hitting critical mass after so long of not really adressing them them). He did binge then purge once during the twelve days (in a "if i eat a large quantity of my meager rations now i wont binge and purge them later -> oh shit oh fuck whoever couldve forseen this kinda way). and simoltaneuosly freaked the fuck out and felt a little reassured because that was all the food he could afford and this his chances of starving to death shot up dramatically.

In all of the endings (termite, utopian, and humble) he hits rock bottom and grabs a jackhammer. like, he's still lost the thenatica and was massively traumatized by *gestures vaugley at the events of pathologic classic hd and the pathologic 3 demo.

like i know we dont really get a good picture as to what happens to him post-canon (though we know he returns to the capitol for at least some time according to the patho 3 demo) but i honestly think he gets pathologic-5150'd (realistically by serafima or someone from the town who came to the capitol as a witness for the sand plauge disaster) and spends some time in residential treatment, something he's initially against because he thinks himself too capable with too many responsibilites but comes around to it, realizing that he definetly wouldve killed himself if not for it.

I think he returns to the town, or in the case of the utopian ending, the new town on the other side of the river, mostly because there's nothing left for him in the capitol and his fractured psyche needs something different. i like to think he fully recovers someday and develops a half-decent support network but with him you never know.

#tw: ed #pathologic 3 #daniil dankovsky #даниил данковский #pathologic #rambles

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charlie-is-fine · 7 months ago

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Shane x SDV farmer fic

Hurt/comfort, 1500 ish words, lots of self deprication

Basically Shane x reader in recovery where both you and Shane are trying to fight off your former addictions together. :D

You wake up in your queen-size bed, feeling the hard mattress against your back. “Fuck” You thought lying in bed. You felt like shit. You haven’t even opened your eyes for the first time today, and you knew it was going to be rough. 2 months, 13 days, and 11 hours since your last relapse. And Yoba did you want to ruin it. You knew better of course, but it was hard parenting your brain every. Single. Day. You just wanted to lay in bed and rot today. You knew you couldn’t. Your husband wouldn’t allow it. “Shane-” You thought. You didn’t want to tell him. You know you should, he is your partner after all, but you can’t. He knew about your addiction, and you both promised to fight them together. But yesterday… Shane had a bad day. You had gotten an ad from Gus in the mail, the saloon was a danger zone for Shane. It was a rough day for both of you. “I can’t bother him today, he had such a shitty day yesterday… today he needs to focus on himself.” You decided. You can handle this yourself today.

You manage to pull yourself out of bed, stretching your arms out to the world. You tiredly shuffled to the mirror, pausing to look at your reflection. So many people told you that you would look better in recovery. Your eyes were baggy, and you had a zit by your lip. “Great,” You thought. You quickly move on, you have a full day ahead of you after all. You head downstairs, where you see Shane has made you a plate of scrambled eggs. You also notice Shane who had dozed off on the couch. “The poor guy, probably couldn’t sleep” Just another reason for you to keep to yourself today. You quickly shovel the eggs in your mouth, and grab a triple shot espresso. You check the TV before you head out, “The Spirits are very displeased today.” “Me too, spirits, me too,” You thought, finally ready to start your morning chores at 11 a.m.

You grabbed your golden watering can, ready to mass water your melons, blueberries, and of course hot peppers for Shane. Doing the mindless task was a nice little distraction. Just think about the plants. Don’t think about how horrible you are. Don’t think about your addiction. Don’t think about how you’ve hurt people. Don’t think about how you broke their trust. Don’t think that you’re a monster. Don’t thi- Your dog licked your leg. You needed to give him water. You pet him, silently thanking him for helping you. All of your plants were watered, and you had a solid 87 blueberries and 4 peppers. “That’ll be a nice chunk of gold,” You thought. You take a deep breath and then walk over to the coop. You have no idea if Shane’s checked on the chickens and ducks this morning. You open the gates, petting Besty. Shane loved the chickens. He was so caring with them, giving them baths and while he denies it- you’ve heard him singing them to sleep. That’s why you married him, he’s so sweet. “He’s way too good for you” You shook the thought out of your head. You walked into the coop and everything was normal. The ducks were happily drinking their water, while the chickens were nibbling on hay set out. You went to your auto-grabber and grabbed 3 chicken eggs- two silver and one gold- and a duck egg-silver quality. “These are going to be tasty mayonnaise. Thanks, girls!” Shane always told you to thank the animals for their products, and you weren’t going to argue with your husband. You head out, and plop the eggs in the mayonnaise machines. It was only 2:00? You didn’t want to do anything today. You wanted to fall asleep. You wanted to cuddle into your husband’s hairy chest while you watched a shitty movie. You wanted to relapse. You hated that you wanted to relapse. You weren’t proud of it. You felt stupid that you got addicted in the first place. You should've just said no. Why were you like this? You were such a fai- “Y/N?” Shane called out from the front door. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine!” You called out. “Thanks for the eggs this morning!” You walk up to Shane, trying to control your hands which are shaking.

“Are you sure you’re okay baby?” Shane asked placing his hand on your shoulder.

“Yeah, I’m fine. I just think the summer’s heat is wearing me out.” You awkwardly chuckle.

“I’ll take your word for it. I’m going to go check on Jas and Aunt Marnie today, but I’ll be back for dinner.” He quickly kisses your forehead. No- I want you home… to save me… to care for me… “Have fun!” You smile and kiss him back. You loved that man and would do anything to see him happy.

Gotta stay busy. Fishing! That’s it. You’ll go fishing since Jodi said she needed a rainbow trout for a recipe anyway. It’s the perfect distraction. You grab your iridium pole, some wild bait that Linus was kind enough to give you, and your trap bobber.

On the way to Pelican Town, you see Pam standing by the bus. She was drinking something… but you didn’t care, you were more focused on making sure she didn’t want to talk to you. You didn’t want to talk to anyone today unless it was Shane. Yoba, you should’ve just gone with him. You shake that thought out of your head, as you head up to the abandoned Joja Mart. It was the perfect place to fish as no one went up there anymore. But once you get there, you pause and stare up at the building. So much of Shane’s pain came from this place. What would’ve happened if Shane didn’t work there? What if he never started drinking? We he be too good for you then? This place left a man so broken, one that you are helping to fix, but part of you wonders if you can be fixed. You are one farmer. One that just moved in. You took away his job. How could he love you? Think of all the horrible things you done. The stuff you did while you were addicted. Who were you kidding- you still were addicted. You can never be a good enough person for Shane- you were nothing-

You spiraled even more after that. Not a single fish was caught that evening by Joja Mart. By the time you were done, you were fucking exhausted. All you wanted to do was relapse, get that high just one more time, to help get rid of all this pain, if not for a mere second. But you withheld. You stood up and dusted your clothes off. Yoba, you were a mess. You slung your pole over your shoulder and trudged back home. Most of Pelican Town was ironically in Gus’ saloon that night. Part of you wanted to go in, but you knew better. Shane wouldn’t be in there. Even if he was, he wouldn’t want you.

When you finally made it back to your farm you stood at the door for a few minutes. You were scared. Scared that maybe your brain was right. Scared that Shane finally got some sense and would leave you. But when you walked in the door, a different scene played out. Shane was in the kitchen, with some rock band playing on a small radio. He seemed to be making spaghetti. It wasn’t fancy or anything, the sauce was from a jar, but you didn’t mind.

“Oh hey Y/N! Good to see you back!” He gave you such a genuine smile.

This man made you dinner. He cleaned the farmhouse too. He turned on your favorite movie. He loved you. He adored you. And not a single part of you deserved him. You fell to your knees and started crying again. You bawled like a baby in front of your husband. You didn’t want him to see you like this. Especially after yesterday…

Shane rushed in to help you. He kneeled around you and hugged you in a position where you could see him. He brushed your cheek with his rough hand.

“Hey, it’ll be okay.” Shane’s voice was soft.

“No, it won’t. You need to be with someone better…” you mumbled to him whilst blubbering.

“Woah- that’s not the farmer I married. You are the best person for me. You’ve helped me grow in ways that no one else could have.”

“But I wanted to relapse today, and I-”

“You were having a shit day and you didn’t tell me?” Shane didn’t look angry. He looked hurt, but he put it away for a later conversation.

“You had a shit day yesterday and-” “That was yesterday. Recovery is on a day-by-day basis. We need to keep each other in check. I want you to tell me-” “But I don’t want to hurt you more…”

“I love you Y/N. You can’t hurt me more. I just want you to feel good with me.” He kissed your cheek and tightened his embrace. You sniffled for a couple more minutes but finally calmed down.

“I’m sorry.”

“We can talk about better communication with our counselor later, but for right now, let’s eat.”

“I love you, Shane.”

“I love you more than you could possibly know Y/N”

#stardew valley #stardew shane #shane x farmer #sdv shane #shane x reader #fanfic #shane fanfic

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1moreff-creator · 25 days ago

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DROS - Character Playlist Analysis

A while ago, the av-multifangan account published the DROS character playlist, a playlist of 16 songs in a random order, where each of the songs is related to a particular character. However, it’s up to the fans to figure out which song belongs to which character. What a novel concept that I haven’t seen any other fangan do! No I’m not just feigning ignorance of the DRDT playlist just because I can never settle on an interpretation I’m happy with,-

(what the fuck do you do with desk rotation???)

-what are are you talking about?

Voluntary amnesia aside, I thought it’d be neat to try and figure out which songs belong to which characters. I’ll also include a confidence rating judging how certain I am of any given guess, with 10 being outright confirmed (so no one’s getting a 10 lol) and 1 being “I assigned this one pretty much at random.” Let’s go!

Spoilers for DROS up to CH3 Part 3. CWs: Suicidal ideation, hanging, religious imagery (christianity), betrayal, murder, alcoholism, addiction, relapsing, gambling, drowning and sharks, toxic relationships

Gehenna - Aidan Ho

Using a translation by Hannah.

Confidence rating: 6.5/10

That template... talk about a callback, huh? I mean I know of no post which has this template because no other fangan has done this playlist thing (/silly).

Btw I vaguely recognize that a lot of these songs (or the versions in the playlist, rather) have Project Sekai characters on them, right? Is this a secret ploy to get us into proseka? Because I’m already in too many fandoms, I’m not getting into any more!

Gehenna is a peculiar song, where the protagonist makes it very evident they don’t like the life they live.

Yeah, well, it seems like there's no prospect of recovery anymore Don’t ask me anything.

However, they don’t want to die. Not because of some hope that things will get better or anything, but just because it’s instinct for them to stay alive.

I don't know why, but "I want to stay alive" It’s in this Bible called DNA You don't have to hate on your instinct and fears Nothing will ever change, anyway “I want to stay alive” There's no hope ahead, but "I want to stay alive" My instinct thumps in red "I want to stay alive," "I don't want to stay alive" It’s so unfortunate But we have to live

It’s named Gehenna, which for our purposes is just hell (theologists don’t kill me), because the singer talks about life like a suffocating reality they can’t escape, especially since they refuse to die.

The future, jealousy, the sense of failure Wireless, I can't even hang myself […] A pitch dark, clouded and broken heart I disinfect it with alcohol to sleep I become the gloomy water of the big ocean Falling deeper, deeper, deeper, deeper

You can kinda see how this would relate to Aidan based on his FTE, right?

Aidan [CH1, Page 6]: I know other people care, and I can respect that. If they care enough about something to fight for it– even if that thing is as simple as their life– I wouldn’t get in the way of that. Ellis: You think lives are simple…? Aidan: Caring about your life is. Isn’t that, like, basic human instinct or whatever? Ellis: I mean, yeah, I guess. But it’s not so wrong to indulge in your primal instincts, is it? He shrugs. Aidan: If that’s what interests you. Ellis: And what interests you, then? For some reason, I feel like I’ve been hearin’ a whole lot of “no” and not a lot of “yes.” Aidan: Does it really matter…?

I mean, he literally references the idea that staying alive is just human instinct, and somewhat implies he has no interest in indulging in said instinct. That’s quite Gehenna coded if I do say so myself, and would probably be enough for me to give him the song outright. Combine it with how little care he shows at the idea of dying to stop the motive in CH2, and it really does seem like this might just be his song.

The Chattering Lack of Common Sense - Mark Nolastnamegiven

Confidence Rating: 5/10

GHOST AND PALS MENTIONED!!!!!! I AM INGESTING ARTHROPODS AS WE SPEAK!!!1!!

To be entirely honest with you, I’m assigning this on Vibes and like three lyrics. Chattering has a… confusing sort of lore, where there’s a lot of background information on its characters, Arc (the one with the bandages) and Say (the one without the bandages), but most of it isn’t easy to discern from the song. The comments on this linked post have the longest explanation I could find (though they omit that Say and Arc apparently eat humans which is mentioned in other sources), but I don’t actually know where the commenters got that information so take it all with a grain of salt.

Thankfully, the truly important parts for our purposes are kinda mentioned in the song. See, Say and Arc aren’t human, though they try to blend in with humans:

[Say] Basically, I bet you'll see At first, I'm not quite what I seem Every day is just the same (Picking names, repeating faces) Everything is show and tell And things are played off somewhat well

This takes a particular toll on Say, who wants to be “normal.”

This is what I've come to be [Say] (This is what I shouldn't be)

Also importantly: they don’t remember anything before the age of 6! They have no idea how they got to where they got. That might remind you of someone, maybe.

While the feeling of inhumanity that Say struggles with, and the general idea of trying to blend in with society, could be taken to represent a few different characters, I think the actual moment of lore the song seems to be about is a bit more important. I believe the song shows the moment Arc and Say meet for the first time, around age 18. I say that mainly because of the focus on first meetings and new experiences and views in the song:

[Say] Basically, I bet you'll see At first, I'm not quite what I seem […] [Arc] I could never understand How first impressions go unplanned […] [Both] Turn around about a new view Bring about the fear inside you […] [Say] I've been contemplating Fallacies and things that scare me Why not try to let go? I've been feeling out of order! I'm allowing change, so Take a good look, this is me This is what I’ve come to be! […] [Arc] First impressions reborn This is what I've come to be! (This is what I shouldn't be) This is what I wanna be!

You can probably tell where I’m going with this. Mark’s entire character is based on the fact that they don’t remember anything, meaning everything in the killing game is a new experience, so the theme of new experiences, rebirth, change… they’re all definitely prevalent in their character. That’s not even mentioning the whole “multiple introductions” thing Mark did with Ellis.

Mark [CH1, Page 47]: That reminds me. I wanted to do this over again. They stand up and extend their hand towards me. Mark: Hi. I’m Mark. I’m not sure what my Ultimate talent is, and, uh, I guess I’m using they/them, for now, at least. It’s nice to meet you. Ellis: Nice to meet you too, Mark. I’m Ellis Ortiz, your Ultimate Lucky Student, and… the man of your dreams~

Ellis [CH1, Page 153]: You seem much more aware than when we first met. Or when we second met. You need a third meeting? I extend my hand. Ellis: Hello there, beautiful stranger. It is I, Ellis Ortiz– Ultimate Lucky Student, any pronouns. They laugh and scratch their cheek gently, a bit embarrassed. Mark: I’m Mark. Still don’t know my real name, talent, or previously preferred pronouns, but… glad to be here with you.

Combined with the lines about being “out of sorts” and “out of order”, Chattering is a song which certainly fits Mark’s vibe.

And while my confidence rating is low, that’s because I feel there’s other characters this song could go to as well. However, I still give this one to Mark, because those other characters have other songs which could go with them, while I struggle to come up with many other options for Mark.

Btw supposedly every character has a Vocaloid song and an English song, since there’s an entire extra 16 songs which haven’t been released yet. But CLOCS is a Vocaloid song and in English, so. Which does it count as? xD

Bitter Choco Decoration - Taylor Long

Using a translation by MML!opinions!Fun!Chocolate!

Confidence Rating: 8.5/10

Now this is a Taylor song! Though, I have been confidently incorrect regarding stuff about this character in the past, as evident by me very confidently guessing them to be an Actor instead of Impressionist pre-Prologue, so. Lmao.

Bitter Choco Decoration is a song about someone who molds themselves to be what other people want of them, never going in any extreme direction personality-wise.

I try not to pointlessly expose myself, Not to talk about myself, not to understand myself But I try not to be a bit too silent, To be laughed at rather than to make people laugh

Most lines in the song follow that formula, “I try to do this, but not too much,” to really drill in the point of the singer wanting to be what people wish of them. Which, of course, is a very Taylor thing to do, as their entire thing is trying to become what people want them to be.

Taylor [CH1 BS, Page 2]: I try to fit in, but at the end of the day, I’m just me, you know? The only special part about me is when I’m doing an impression of someone else. Other than that, I’m just as regular as you. Robert: Really…? It sort of makes sense, but I still feel like Taylor has always had a way better grasp on the situation than I do. Then again, maybe I’m just reading them wrong…? Robert: But, your impressions are so cool. Taylor: Hehe, thank you! But, I really just use them to make people laugh, and so that I don’t say anything weird. Robert: Weird? Taylor: Like, um… I bet if I, as me, started talking about conspiracy theories, it’d be really weird. But, if I pretend to be Kennedy, it feels natural! No one questions what I have to say, or why I said it that way.

There’s other examples, but you get the idea.

Vegas Lights - Antonia Cisneros

Confidence Rating: 9.5/10

Come on, if a song called Vegas Lights doesn’t end up being Antonia’s or Ellis’ I riot (/silly). Apart from the obvious (that Antonia is from Vegas and a goddamn casino Dealer), even the non-strictly gambling lines here sorta fit Antonia’s character and vibes.

Oh, if you only knew What we've been up to I guarantee you'd keep it secret

You can connect that to Antonia’s whole thing about secrets she had going on with Cass:

Antonia [CH1, Page 148]: We weren’t dealing with only the mastermind, darling. We were dealing with “secrets.” And, while I may not want to say them here, I have things in my past I’d rather not share, especially if I were to attempt a murder.

Also:

In the Vegas lights! Where villains spend the weekend, the deep end We're swimming with the sharks until we drown

“Swimming with the sharks” can be taken to mean Antonia playing along with the “house” (literally in the casinos, and by killing someone per the mm’s wishes in the killing game) until it eventually caused her death.

And I’m sure there’s others you could point to, but I feel my case has been made well enough.

Pheles - Paris Hall

Using a translation by Hiraethie and Violet.

Confidence Rating: 7/10

A song about rumors and secrets? Songs like just the one for our favorite Ultimate Gossip! Pheles is a song about… well to be frank I’m pretty sure there’s some context I’m missing, but it kinda sounds like it’s about some kind of spy acting after a war.

As for discussion, let's talk loudly about it after the violence is over The iron scraps have gone rusty, there’s value in rumors […] Rumor go! Rumor go! The rumor has been going around. Now, let us go while we’re in control Rumor go! Rumor go! The rumor has been going around The unleashed frustration. Rumor go! Rumor go! The rumor has been going around Now, let us go while we’re rebelling Rumor go! Rumor go! The rumor has been going around that She’ll be the queen to save the world!

This already kinda narrows down our suspects to either Paris or Cass. And while I absolutely think Cass could work here, especially since I find some of the lines about “saving the world” and the Mephistopheles symbolism fits them better, there’s another song which I feel fits them just as well, while I struggle to come up with other songs for Paris.

If you’re not convinced, I’ll point you to this particular line, which feels much more of a Paris thing than a Cass thing.

When you get fed up with even people's deaths, just like a gum that's lost its flavor, you would spit out and throw them away, wouldn’t you?

Considering the whole “Paris doesn’t have a loved one” thing from CH2, we can infer she doesn’t care too much about other people, and from there suppose she wouldn’t be too bothered by their deaths either. Of course, though, she tends to hide this lack of care. You could say-

Hide even your desires behind a mask Don’t let them know your real intentions

Yeah that.

All in all, I’m comfortable with this pick for Paris, and the only reason my confidence rating isn’t higher is because Cass exists.

Nonsense Bungaku - Vivi Mitchell

Using a translation by bluepenguin.

Confidence Rating: 1.5/10

Ah, here’s a hard one! See, the song is called Nonsense Bungaku because it makes no sense!

Alright, that’s a bit of an exaggeration. The vague idea I got from reading others’ interpretations is that the song’s about finding oneself in a world of absurdity. It uses weird and random phrases to convey the titular nonsense while simultaneously talking about its themes.

A mid afternoon rendezvous Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo I’ll shower you in lonely love We, with our sickening hearts, Will be reborn today

So… why am I giving it to Vivi, then? The idea is that Vivi’s obsession with reviving the dead could be considered “nonsense”, but she chooses to embrace it regardless.

We Become idiots, dance in midair And forget about the present, rat-tat-tat (rat-tat-tat)

“Become idiots” could be interpreted as “believing that Vivi can revive the dead”, as it is a bit of an outlandish idea, “forgetting about the present” because it gives hope of a future with no more deaths in the killing game.

Let’s dance ’til it’s light, let’s heat up the night So we can give tears the heave-ho and not sleep So that it doesn’t end up becoming a lie

Vivi wants to continue doing what they’re doing (“dancing ‘til it’s light”), so that they can make good on their promises (“so that it doesn’t end up becoming a lie”) and make the others happy (“give tears the heave ho”).

I won’t be sentimental; I’m not afraid anymore With a sharpened blade of words, nothing is useless […] I’m so fed up already with you and your contrariness

Vivi’s deciding to push ahead with her goals without fear of failure or ridicule, and is getting tired of the others putting her down. The word “contrariness” is funny because Aidan, but Vivi does have some connection with him through Kennedy, so it kinda works.

And there’s probably more to be found there, but make no mistake. This is a reach. An insane one, even. The lines are so vague and up to interpretation that you could realistically make an argument for this song to go to, like, half the cast at least. I wanna call out Ellis in particular as a possibility, because as we'll see, my guess for them isn't particularly great, and this fits them somewhat well. That's to explain the abysmal confidence rating. However, I’m happy enough with Vivi, so that’s the guess here!

Nothing to Say - Jeff Breeze

Confidence Rating: 8/10

When this song started playing, I thought of Jeff so absolutely and definitively that if this ends up being wrong I will be horrendously embarrassed. That said, this still feels extremely Jeff coded.

Nothing to Say is a bit hard to describe, but it’s basically the life story of someone who’s experienced a lot, made mistakes, moved on-

But if I could take another swing or two I always hit my target when it ain't brand new

(AKA “I always fuck up at the start, but I don’t make the same mistake twice”)

-and yet can’t really think of any sage advice to give (“I’ve got nothing to say”). That’s because while the vibe the song gives off is that the singer is content with their life, they seem to recognize it isn’t for everyone.

And I heard the message, and I wrote it down Some time spent lost is a life spent found A hundred bad habits come in one good day And I guess that's all to say I got nothing to say

(AKA “I may have wasted some time, but I got something out of it. But I know my habits are kinda bad, so you shouldn’t take me too seriously”)

This kind of vibe, of someone who’s experienced a lot but always in a more or less shallow way, fits Jeff decently well I’d say.

Now even though I've been known to waste I'll keep a lost cause rolling with a travel case […] If I had got what I'd been looking for You'd see me right now looking more and more And what I do got now got me on my way So I'll talk but I got nothing to say

See? A very active life of moving around a lot, never settling down. Perfect for the Ultimate Absentee!

Poison - Noah Walker

Confidence Rating: 3/10

If you know the song and the character, that confidence rating might surprise you. I mean, a song about alcoholism and partying where the singer is worried about what their mom would think?

Let's bounce All night We're turning off my memory This club Is our house Will my momma ever forgive me? I wanna be cheered up I want drinks all around I wanna break my rules I wanna rock this town And oh Well shame on me And I guess the snake got free 'Cause we got the poison on our tongues

(Poison being an allegory for alcohol if that’s somehow not obvious)

I mean, that’s extremely Noah coded! How could it not be his?

Simply put, because Ellis exists. Just as drawn to alcohol as Noah, just as willing to go wild to ignore their real issues, and a decent amount of suppressed shame to boot. There is a very legitimate argument to swap those two, especially if you’re willing to speculate on information we haven’t gotten in the story yet for the song which I actually gave to Ellis if you want that one to go to Noah.

But that will make more sense in the Ellis section. For now, all you need to understand is that I believe Poison fits Noah very well, but this has a low confidence rating because it could also go to Ellis.

Lower/Lower One’s Eyes - Vanessa Bravo

Using a translation by Oktavia.

Confidence Rating: 3.5/10

(Why does this have two names lol)

So this one’s a little strange, and kinda comes down to the fact I don’t have many songs to give Vanessa.

Lower has some biblical interpretations about Judas and Jesus, but I’ll talk about it in more abstract terms so it’s easier to relate it to DROS later. Though just from me saying that, you can probably imagine it’s a song about betrayal.

Gradually becoming disillusioned with you, The curtain’s about to rise– it’s showtime, Thus we’ll soon say goodbye to the quietness of this theatre

The singer is becoming disillusioned with someone else, but they’re hiding it, pretending like in a theater play. See, they’re actually very conflicted about betraying the other person.

Left with a guilty conscience ever weighing down upon my back I wouldn’t dare obey my heart’s desires– instead bottling them all up, They want to get along with the other, but can’t get themselves to There are things in theory I’d like to come to terms with, but I just can’t I’ve been keeping them all to myself, though I might explode from it […] Should we be fated to part, should we be fated to lose one another I pray we may be reunited each and every time such a thing happens If you’d just do me the honor of staying, staying and never to part, Then I’ll get to remain the only one who knows what this salvation feels like […] “Why don’t we get out of here before it all goes to hell?” …Again and again, I’m whispering that too-good-to-be-true wish to myself

You get the idea. Someone the singer loves is doing something wrong, the singer knows it’s wrong, but still feel conflicted in turning their back to them.

The connection I’m drawing to Vanessa is through Antonia, of course. At the end of the first trial, Vanessa knows Antonia’s done something really wrong, but she still feels bad about what’s happening.

If that doesn’t convince you, you could also take this to be related to Vanessa’s actions in CH2 in a more abstract sense. She wanted to kill someone to stop the motive, something she considered a more or less noble thing but would still be a betrayal of some sort, so she was conflicted in wanting to do it.

… Yeah voting for Antonia’s a bit more straightforward. Given I struggle to come up with other songs for Vanessa, I’m gonna call that good enough!

Addiction Governance - Ellis Ortiz

Confidence Rating: 1/10

Welcome… to the single worst guess on the list!

Now, sometimes these are difficult because the song’s vague and can be taken to mean several different things. The issue with Addiction Governance is actually the opposite; it’s so explicit that it’s hard to relate it to any given character, because you can’t easily bend it to the DROS story the way you can with stuff like Nonsense Bungaku.

Simply put, Addiction Governance is about someone falling back into an addiction they thought they’d moved past.

Temptation always wins I hear you calling out my name Don't worry I've always been this way I thought I'd take back everything And say I was out But here you are now […] Fate arrive Take what's mine I know I walked in sin Addiction governing

There’s little specificity on what the addiction actually is, as while there is a reference to gambling-

Could I escape in time if I realize But I gamble it all on numbing fees

-it can also be taken to mean the “numbing fees” are the addiction, which is more general.

So, what now? Ellis definitely has a few vices, from drinking to gambling, so it seems like it works at first glance. But remember; Addiction Governance isn’t just about addiction, it’s specifically about a recovering addict relapsing.

Does that really apply to Ellis? He doesn’t really express much of an interest in stopping his drinking or gambling habits, so whether he’s addicted or not, relapsing isn’t necessarily a concern.

That’s why this can be swapped with Noah with a little speculation. We know less about Noah’s history than Ellis’, so it’s possible that he’s drinking more in the killing game than he’d like, or even that there’s some other addiction he’s tried to drop but is coming back in the game. I imagine people would bring up if someone asked for anything harder than alcohol in the Costumer Service Desk, but y’know, maybe they missed it.

However, we don’t have evidence for that. And there is an angle I can see with Ellis that isn’t there for Noah, which relates mainly to these lines.

Thought I could rolled the dice Thought I could paid the price Saying it won't take me [sic] Could I escape in time if I realize […] But now the damage done Is creeping into every day Shoulda slowed the dose [sic] Too late now […] I thought I'd take back everything And say I was out But here you are now

Instead of it being about relapsing, the song can be interpreted as someone who thinks they can get out of their habit before it becomes an addiction. This reckless attitude could potentially be connected to Ellis’ attitude towards the killing game. They believe they can coast off of their luck and survive without getting attached to anyone, before they “get in too deep.” Something something gambling addiction combined with the idea that she can stop it before it gets too bad something something?

As you can see, it’s a bit iffy, but it’s close enough for me. And with that interpretation, combined with the lines in Poison about “momma”, my final call is made. While I could still see the swap between Ellis and Noah, Ellis on Addiction Governance and Noah on Poison is what I’m going with. Especially because no one else really comes close to working with Addiction Governance in my opinion.

Veils - Kennedy Rey

Confidence Rating: 8.5/10

I mean. Do I even need to show you anything beyond the line in the image above?

I keep falling into the night To look at what goes on out of our sight Lift the veils that cover our eyes! Forget about death and fight for your life!

Technically speaking, Veils is about someone trying to uncover what issues are hampering a relationship, but the theme of looking past the surface level and finding hidden truths is more than enough for me to consider this a Kennedy song. Ironic, that Kennedy of all people has one the songs making me do the least amount of conspiracy theorizing.

One Sheep - Robert Smith

Using a translation by Hiraethie and Tapewormreverie.

Confidence Rating: 3/10

Now this guess was a hard one, because I'll repeat what I said in the Vivi section: what the fuck is this song even about??? I couldn’t figure out shit about the lyrics on my own. I had to look up fucking Project Sekai analysis because I’m pretty sure the lack of context was destroying my chances of understanding One Sheep. Like I’m sure the song can stand on its own, but seeing as it was written for a proseka event, getting that type of context probably doesn’t hurt.

What I found was this video by FructoseTolerant on Youtube, which I will uncritically accept as entirely correct in its interpretations of proseka characters because I have no way of knowing if it’s wrong, and from there try to relate their interpretations of some of these lyrics to Robert because I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I want to pretend to be a desparado “You think you could do that?” my self-hatred creeps Such a roar, so to speak, is a scapegoat It’s as if a curse has clung to me

Video Analysis Transcript: The first line having the word “pretend” instead of quote unquote “be” is a reflection of how, in the end, An just wants to pretend to be like Nagi, because in the end she’ll have to realize that she can’t be Nagi, she has to be herself.

You can connect this to Robert wanting to be more like the other Ultimates, failing to realize that being the Ultimate Normie has its perks too.

Robert [CH1 BS, Page 3]: Just being here makes me feel like freaking out. I have to try so hard to pretend I’m feeling normal and not lose my cool, so that I can fit in with everyone else. But, even if you don’t see your talent the same as everyone else’s… you still don’t seem that scared. You’re managing the situation fine, in your own way. Taylor looks at me with a slight frown. I feel like I’m being studied, in a way. Taylor: Do you think that’s a good thing? That we’re all so “normal” about being in this scary situation? Robert: I don’t know if it’s a good thing. From my perspective, it’s something I’m jealous of. I wish I wasn’t so scared… Taylor: Well, I think it’s a good thing. Robert: Why…? Taylor: It means that you’re assessing the situation realistically, and that you have things you’re worried about getting back to at home. Those are both good things, aren’t they? Robert: I guess so.

I, uh, hope An gets to a point where she can be happy living as herself! (?) ‘Cuz Robert sure as hell didn’t!

You’re just a lonely one, so Let me hear that voice of yours

Video Analysis Transcript: [That line] made me realize that voices are meant to be heard, and so does my voice too. Everyone’s lone voice is different, and comes with its own story.

Robert may seem normal and average, but as we especially saw near the end of CH2 Daily Life, his voice deserves to be heard too!

O, lone sheep, go tear the darkness to pieces, the entire thing [...] You’re just a solitary one— Right now, go far beyond them

Video Analysis Transcript: “Tearing the darkness” gives me an image of illuminating the path and making your way into the great big world.

Uh… something something Robert is isolated from other Ultimates but he’s still able to contribute and bring joy into the world in his own way something something?

I’ve been getting hurt more and more often by this “something” that I no longer see as a hobby Did they make you say that? That “I love you” There’s no way that exists here till the end of time

Video Analysis Transcript: With [the first line] sung by An, who is scared that Kohane will leave her even more…

(I’m assuming the other two lines are also somewhat connected to that idea even though the singer in the Vivid BAD SQUAD version changes :v)

Dude, this An girl is going through it! Don’t worry girl Kohane seems… like the name of a nice person, I’m sure she won’t leave you! (?)

Uh… back to ideas of alienation, that Robert feels like the other Ultimates might leave him behind? Hell if I know lol.

Anyways. Again, I have no idea if this is right or not, but between it vaguely working at times and sheer process of elimination, this is the guess I’m going with.

Pushing Daisies - Harper Young

Confidence Rating: 4/10

Fun fact, the last change I made in this playlist guess was swapping Vanessa and Harper. I had misinterpreted Lower and I didn’t like Pushing Daisies for Ness, so once I figured Lower out, the swap was made!

Not that Pushing Daisies makes significantly more sense with Harper, mind you. The song’s about someone in love with a girl who is already in a relationship, but one where she’s apparently not treated very well.

Oh I lost my head again Cause he's the one you're drinking with And you don't know you're better off alone

The singer pleads undying loyalty to this girl, and promises to follow her until he’s pushing daisies, aka until he’s dead.

For you I'd give the whole damn lot But tell me what good is all I got? Cause I'll follow till I'm pushing daisies You're on my mind Oh my my

While I struggle to see the “bad relationship” angle with anyone in the cast, the pledge of undying loyalty fits well enough with Harper’s nice and caring personality. Ve definitely enjoys making others feel better, and the idea of helping until ve physically can’t makes sense for ver. Specifically, I could see a connection with how Harper wants to help Noah feel better, even when Noah’s a bit bothered by it, as the song does have a bit of an attitude of the singer feeling like they know better than the girl they want to help.

... Is what I would have said a week ago! Yeah this post was mostly written before CH3 Part 3 lol. Because with the release of that last part, there is actually some more evidence that this song could refer to Harper's feelings towards Noah. For one, there now is a specific person who could be seen as the bad person who the "girl" hangs out with: Paris.

Noah [CH3 Part 3, Page 13]: Harper, it’s– Paris: Noah. Noah: … Noah looks at Harper, then at Davis, then at Paris before looking at his plate. Noah: It’s… probably for the best if we just go along with it. No sweat, right?

Someone who is apparently kinda mistreating Noah, but Noah's going along with it and ignoring Harper's worries. Maybe?

More importantly, though, this:

Harper [CH3 Part 3, 24]: I should be taking more of a stance, in line with what I believe to be true. And what you believe to be true is…? Ellis: If you believe anything, that is. It’d probably be worse to get stuck defending a side you only 30% believe in. Harper: I suppose “believing” a side isn’t quite the right way to put it. What I believe is that this conflict is needless and we should be putting suspicions aside to work towards a solution. But, it’s difficult to convince some of the others of that, especially if I don’t express myself clearly enough…

Harper wanting to express that something is wrong, but is worried about whether or not ve can properly express that to the others? Feels like...

I got an itch But what can I do If all I do is think about How she'd take the truth

Maybe? It's an angle you can take with some other characters, mainly Taylor, but with Bitter Choco Decoration being here as well, I'll take my chances with this Harper guess.

HIBANA- Davis Love

Using a translation by Forgetfulsubs.

Confidence Rating: 7.5/10

You would know this prediction was coming if you’ve been reading my reaction posts to DROS, as I’ve actually brought it up before! You may also know how I interpret this song if you’ve read my analysis of the Milgram Es cover for it. The basic gist is that the singer is in a relationship, and they want their lover to be more assertive.

Aa, I don't like this; Choose both. Aa, I don't like this; Break both.

The singer doesn’t want a pushover who is too scared to hurt them to do anything committal, because they consider that a fragile, “weak-minded” love.

I don’t want to harbor a love that will never end – Come on, properly fill me more with anxiety. I’d like you to act your part at peek a boo – Come on, answer to {what I ask} more properly! nanananananananana It’s “incomplete”, I’ll say it time and time again nanananananananana Amidst a love that missed hitting “NO”. [...] I don’t want to love a weak-minded love Come on, make it hurt more properly. Going so far it’s no longer funny, is surely much more enjoyable, Come on, melt me more properly!

So the singer wants someone who isn’t afraid of saying “no.” Some kind of contrarian, possibly. One could even say, the singer would love to be with the Ultimate Contrarian-

Jokes aside, the Aidan-Davis propaganda isn’t the only reason I’m giving Davis HIBANA. Davis generally seems to dislike non-committal people, especially in the context of relationships.

Davis [CH2 BS, Page 17]: Have you been in a relationship before? Jeff: Ehhhh. Not in such a serious way. More just… we hang around each other for as long as we want. A week, or a month or two. Not usually longer than that. Something I said seems to have particularly bothered him, because he’s back to half-glaring at the table.

You can see the point, right? Davis doesn’t like that Jeff doesn’t fully involve themselves emotionally in their relationships, the way that the HIBANA singer is mad at their lover for being indecisive and too scared to hurt the singer to really put their whole personality on the table, per say. Does that make sense? Hopefully!

ID Smile - Cassidy Torres

Using a translation by Shiopaca and Violet.

Confidence Rating: 7.5/10

ID Smile is about a secret the singer is keeping about their identity because they’re worried about how it will affect their relationships.

If I want to connect with you, then I can’t part with my secret If we had made this world that composes our existence of being charmed by each other ring out, Hey, could we stay this way, just like this?

I... honestly think I can leave it at that and that’s all I need to say about that one lol. Cass kept a secret about her identity for the entire time she was alive: she was a spy. Yep. With Vegas Lights knocking out the other big candidate for this one, ID Smile ends up being one of the easier ones to explain, and the only reason my confidence rating isn't higher is a combination of Pheles being here and other characters also having secrets.

Btw this is about that Mizuki character that took over my dash a while ago right? That’s pretty much all the contact I had with proseka before this, so I hope whatever happened in Mizu5 wasn’t as horrendously harrowing as that image I kept seeing implied. Or that at least the fandom enjoyed whatever horrors actually came from that lol.

No Hands - Grace Thomas

Confidence Rating: 8/10

And we reach the last one! No Hands is a song about how life sometimes changes without our control, making us feel that we’re riding around in a vehicle with our hands off the steering wheel.

Nothing lasts forever, you've heard it all before The brutal winds of change are knocking at your door No hands! I just keep riding around again to these broken-hearted beats, yeah

The big theme to focus on here is how some changes can be irreversible, taking us to the main line that connects this song to Grace.

The clocks are ticking, they talk behind your back They echo every second that you've wasted in the past But nothing lasts forever, you've heard it all before It's time to face your demons, they're knocking at your door

I mean, it’s pretty clear, right? Grace’s character is mainly defined by their hatred of time wasting, so a song all about how you need to take the chances you get because you have no control of when things are going to change forever is right up their alley.

Particularly, it brings to mind their situation in CH2, where their life changed without their control when their boyfriend died during the motive announcement, and they decided to take action before even more time could pass, and more things could change as a result. Aka, they decide to stop riding with “no hands” and instead try to take control of their situation by killing Robert. Thankfully, we can end with a guess that I’m actually decently comfortable with!

Woohoo! This took way longer than it should have, but it’s finally done! I wanted to do this before even more content about DROS came out, since I didn’t want it to be too easy. Should I have waited longer so I could make better guesses? Maybe! I imagine a large quantity of these will eventually be proven wrong. But I had fun, and that’s all that matters. Anyways, thanks for reading! If you made it this far, you deserve your own theme song! Hope you get a cool one xp See ya’!

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shawneeleighc · 9 months ago

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Phrases we need to cancel because they're unhealthy, toxic, unhelpful and triggering.

It's a cheat meal - it's a meal, not a test.

I'm being good today, I'm so bad for having xyz - stop assigning morality to food, it's damaging your relationship with food and your body.

I haven't eaten anything today - it's not achievement. It's deprivation. It increases your chances of binging later and impact your body's hunger cues.

The diet starts tomorrow - just. no.

I can't, I'm on a diet - excessive restrictions just aren't worth the consequences

I could never eat that much - okay? We're completely different people with completely different needs, comments like these are unnecessary and shameful

I can eat this because I exercised - you never ever need to earn food.

Wow you're hungry today - and? Not sure how that impacts you at all.

That has so many calories - food is so much more than calories. It's the nutrients our bodies need to function, to have energy, to create memories, to celebrate our cultures, it's our expression. Stop limiting it.

I know how difficult it is to break not only the cycle of thinking these things but also saying them. But the undertone of a lot of these phrases is shame and judgement.

I hear these phrases on a daily basis and I'm extremely grateful to be far enough in my recovery that it doesn't affect me so much anymore but what about people who are still struggling and end up relapsing, changing their habits, their food intake or view of themselves because of a comment.

Let's practice mindfulness when talking about food, health and appearance. You truly never know what someone is going through.

Eating disorders and disordered eating are so much more common than you think and just because someone hasn't been diagnosed doesn't mean they aren't struggling.

Lastly, that goes for you too, change your thoughts and words for you too.

Because you deserve to exist peacefully in your body and mind.

And it's a lot easier to be kind to others when you're being kind to yourself.

Keep going x

Follow my insta for daily content @shawnee_leighc

#self care #self growth #self love #self awareness #self improvement #self acceptance #self compassion #selflove #bpd #borderline personality disorder #edrecovery #mental health #positivity #mental health tips #mental heath support #positive affirmations #phrases

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cheerfullycatholic · 3 months ago

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My fiance recently said that he's been struggling with pornography during our entire relationship. sometimes it was really often sometimes it wasn't, it vary depending on when in our relationship. He hadn't told me yet because his spiritual director had told not to, so at least he wasn't just hiding it from me for no reason at all, but I don't know what to do. He's very repentant and he's taking steps to get better, but I'm worried that he'll just end up relapsing. Please pray for his recovery, our relationship, and discernment for whether I should stay with him. I really really really don't want to break up with him, but I also know that if my friend came to me with this situation, I would tell her to break up with her fiance, so I'm feeling very lost. Please pray. also, if you have any advice/thoughts/wisdome/etc, I'd love to hear it. sorry for the wall of text

Of course 🖤 and I think the best advice that I can give you is to look into Fight the New Drug and see if anything they say can be of some help. They're an anti porn organization that has a lot of articles full of information and ways to help people quit, but they also have articles that may be able to help you come to a decision. I highly recommend reading through their website, especially under their "love & relationships" and "hope & recovery" categories, here's the link

I'm sorry that that's all I have for you, you're just in a difficult place and I don't really know what else to say (and I don't want to say the wrong thing). There's no bad option, whether that's staying with him and helping him overcome his addiction (there's a ton of articles on that website that could be helpful for him too btw!) or breaking up or even just taking a break from your relationship for awhile. I really hope that website and our prayers will help you figure out the best option

#prayer request

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inflatingnblue · 6 months ago

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I just wanna say that you’re beautiful, all the kinky shit aside. I’ve been getting posts recommended to me on my tumblr fyp that say you liked them, and they’re all horrible upsetting pro-ana stuff, and I don’t know if those are old likes or new ones, but I hope you aren’t falling prey to those demons. They’re always wrong, and all they ever want is to erase you and make you less of who you’re meant to be. You deserve better 💜

This is a long one, friends, so feel free to skip.

First, thank you for sending, Anon. You didn't have to and you still did.

Recovery is complicated, and that's an understatement. Although I like Violet and "blowing up," that's all in fantasy land. In the real world, I would like nothing more than to lose weight.

For the longest time I've believed that my worth comes from being thin and beautiful, that things would make sense and fall into place. That I wouldn't hate myself anymore if I could just get to the right size and then being the right size would also equate to beauty.

I started gaining weight after I was in recovery for a year. I gained a lot over the course of several years. I couldn't figure out what was wrong; working with my dietitian, going to the doctor's, getting test after test to just be told 🤷🏻‍♀️. I thought I was losing my mind. It was really hard to focus on recovery and I slipped a lot.

I was (and still am) extremely aware of how much space I take up and compared myself to those around me. I was (and still am) extremely aware of the fat shaming that happens around me. I hated leaving the house because I knew I would be judged for my size, and that judgment is still a fear I experience today.

I relapsed during 2022 and lost a "significant" amount of weight. I'm using quotes because that's how my therapist described it. I wish I had lost more so it didn't seem significant enough. Then in 2023 I finally found the answer I was looking for - lipedema. I was very grateful to know what was wrong, but it still sucks.

This year I've been working on recovery and it's been fucking difficult. I can't seem to just stay on one side. One day I'm gonna do my best and eat regularly and try to be nice to myself. The next day I may flip and start thinking about weight loss. This time the ED would work, I'll make sure it works. Pat myself on the back if I didn't eat while in the office or got a certain number of steps in. It's exhausting ping ponging back and forth.

My FYP matches that ping pong game. Sometimes I'm not even looking for ED related stuff and it hits me in the face. This might sound weird to some - EDs are very seductive. They can easily be called an addiction. My neuropathways are ready and raring to go down the highway to ED Land. Sometimes I can stop it along the way and sometimes I can't. Some of the posts feel comforting because I know I'm not alone. Some of the posts would be pretty alarming for most people with the imagery and text. I know it's not helpful to look at the pro ana and ED related posts. Just like I can be in awe with how big someone's tummy is, I can also be in awe of various pro ana content.

I know the actual problem is feeling like I don't deserve better. I punish myself for not meeting the high expectations I've collected over the years. Self compassion is still a foreign concept. Logically I understand why it's important to practice, it just seems wrong for some reason.

Again, Anon, I really appreciate you reaching out and voicing concern. It's helpful to hear the same positive and supportive messages from different areas of my life. And I'm sorry you're getting these recommendations. I didn't realize that would happen and now I remember I turned off the option to get recommendations. 😬 Just know I heard you. I'm sure you already know that change is slow, although I'll be more mindful of what I like on here.

Thanks 💙

#weight gain in ed recovery #eating disoder recovery #ed recovery #ed relatable #ed relaspe #adult violet beauregarde #inflatingnblue

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sdv-rants · 4 months ago

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Leave Shane alone :(

Thinking you should be able to "fix" him misses the entire point of his story. He's still recovering and probably always will be. People with serious mental health issues don't just randomly get better and turn their life around by getting married. Shane can be in love with the farmer and still struggle with his mental illness and relapses as an addict. People who don't struggle with this stuff constantly get mad that he can't just magically be fixed or get better. Have you considered that maybe his story just isn't for you

CW for mentions of mental health struggles and alcohol abuse

tl;dr ,, i dont at all think shane needs to just be magically fixed, i just would love to see more in his post-marriage story showing him sobering up and visibly changing a little in a positive way. i dont want him to immediately change and be “perfect”, nobody is perfect, i just think it would be really cool to visibly see changes in his character after marrying him.

(full rant under the cut)

actually after posting that rant made me think about this a whole lot more, and i dont like how i worded some things and i can totally understand and relate to him most likely always going through recovery, my only problem is i wish there was maybe more actual dialogue and story to build that if that makes sense?? but honestly i could say that about sooo many of the marriage candidates. now, maybe their story feels slightly unfinished so you can sort of fill in the blanks yourself, and i totally can understand that being the case.

i completely see where you’re coming from, and i don’t entirely like how i worded my last rant. i think i only said the things i did because with shanes story it kind of hits a little close to home, having a lot of people close to me who ive watched go through similar situations as this character, and i think i was just projecting a little bit.

as someone who also struggles with mental health and other forms of addiction not in the form of substance abuse, i think i also relate to shane a lot, and seeing him go through the things he does within his story, it sort of reminds me of myself and reminds me of how much i wish i could be “fixed” in a way.

i also dont at all think people who struggle with any sort of addictions or mental health problems should be “fixed” or need to be “fixed”, i was referring to how a lot of people quote “i can fix him” and phrases like that when talking about shane, i definitely shouldve worded everything much better though. i meant that in that position if you’re someone who thinks you can “fix” anyone, yeah, you cant. and people dont need to be fixed. i do think people who struggle with addiction can be given support to recover though, and i guess i just wish that was more prominent in shanes story. i suppose im projecting a bit of my own personal life onto his story, cuz i would love to see portrayed in his story him sobering up and there being more visible changes in his life and his character. obviously i dont think he should just immediately turn into the “perfect” man overnight, nobody is perfect and yes, he will always struggle with certain things, and thats okay. i hope i’ve clarified my viewpoint on his story a little better, but im very bad at putting my exact thoughts into the proper wording, so i do apologize for anything ive said that may be confusing, feel free to ask for clarification and i can try my best to explain. :)

thank you for the input btw anon!! shanes character is one id like to talk about more in a much more positive light too, but when i typed yesterdays rant i had just been thinking about his story a lot and what i personally wished it looked like post marriage, but obviously we all have our own opinions on how each characters story should’ve looked, and thats ok.

i personally kind of think all of the characters story should’ve looked different after marrying them, just because i feel like it feels sort of stagnant once married obviously. but yk this is a small indie game with a solo creator, i cant imagine how difficult it would be to flesh out these characters anymore LMAO, but thats why i like this community so much. i like seeing every individuals perspective on each character and their stories throughout the game.

sorry this rant was so long LMFAO and i also apologize for my first two rants being about shane (and not being in the most positive light). i’ll definitely try and talk about my thoughts on shane and his story more soon though, trying to look at all of the things i love about his story.

ive been typing for way too long so im ending this here LMFAO, please feel free to leave input or any other questions, feedback, etc etc

#stardew valley #sdv rants #sdv rant blog #sdv blog #sdv ask blog #sdv shane #stardew valley rants #stardew valley shane #stardew shane #sdv

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tacticalhimbo · 9 months ago

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PALE STATIC EXCHANGE... 2! Posting this a bit early, but I'm very excited to have been able to dip my toes into @palestaticexchange this time around! It's very cool to see how alive the Disco Elysium fandom is.

That said, this piece is for @glitch-critter , who asked for "stuff relating to HDB's experience/psyche, especially with regards to electrochemistry/addiction".

WORDS: 2.3K

I really liked the prompts provided, and I thought it would be cool to kind of explore how relapse and recovery can manifest in forms different than the baseline addiction. As such, it would seem Harry has found himself over-correcting himself in regard to his work...

I hope you do enjoy it <3

Also, let me know if you’d like a more permanent copy of this, too! I’m always happy to provide a PDF version of the writings I do :3

Coastal winds were much tamer as they rolled through the densely packed buildings of Central Jamrock, only just able to sustain themselves as they lapped around the perimeter of Precinct 41. Harry wouldn't be here, if not for Kim. It was he who'd defended him to Vicquemare. He who'd attested to the idea that Harry could get better, with a little guidance and a lot of patience. He who'd truly believed in him, despite everything they faced. Creeping along his senses was the smell of blood shed by belief and held together by vengeance. Remnants of a decades' long war, and its lasting effects on the human psyche—both those that were in tact, and those that were already fragmented—as the world evolved around them. The stillness of the air was dry, just as was the mouth of the disco detective who'd found himself falling into familiar habit. Eat, sleep, work, party—

[LOGIC] No, not anymore. You've given that up now.

[VOLITION] You are a changed man. Or so you would like to have others believe.

Harry is a changed man, or so he would like others to believe. He would like to believe it.

Yet the familiar dryness that consumed Harry did not feel changed. Nor did the aching that settled into his musculature, drawing the thickened fibers back like that of a bowstring, arming them—arming him—to snap at a moment's notice. His stomach felt a familiar sickness. One that had consumed him during the infancy stages of the Martinaise investigation. A horrific hangover, but this one was different. It was dry. He was dry. And that irritated him. Thick brows knitted as his psyche wandered to the idea, briefly leaning into the comforting embrace of familiarity of outrage. It was easier, after all, to be mad at the circumstance than to navigate it. But… It didn't feel right. No, he wasn't angry about it. Perhaps a part of him was. But Harry? Him? He was uncertain. Afraid. Every time he wet his lips in consideration, he knew he would not be able to stop himself. Not when—

[ELECTROCHEMISTRY] It's a miracle you even lasted this long. It's like something has snapped in you—a nerve ending. You've lost yourself, Harry. Truly, lost yourself. And god knows how long it will take you to come back this time.

The subtle emphasis makes his skin crawl as his head shakes, hands pausing to linger under the chilled water pouring forth into the sink basin. He sighed, looking to the dingy mirror before him.

Through the speckles of old debris and matted dust, and past the droplets of dew that form with the arterial spray of the sink's faucet (a sign that the mechanism, much like the rest of the restroom, is in need of repair; it has been for as long as one can remember), the visage that greets Harry is… healthier. It invokes a sense of pride not too dissimilar to when he'd first whispered his name—the one he had chosen, not the one he was given—and truly seen himself for the first time. Like the waves, it swelled briefly before crashing down. Fell upon the invariable signs of his past habits. Like looking through the bottom of a liquor-filled glass, it was hazy; a deluge of desperation and need encapsulated by bloatedness and swollenness. Sat neatly among the discolored planes. Pallid skin darkened and reddened as the blood vessels beneath the skin remained agape, prepared for consumption.

[ENCYCLOPEDIA] Telangiectasia. Small blood vessels sat near the skin's surface. It is natural for them to sit so high, but normally they remain unseen until there is an increase in blood flow.

[INLAND EMPIRE] Recall how one's features become rosy when hearts begin to flutter, or how the sun's warmth seems to sit upon the apples of one's cheeks like a comforting blanket.

[DRAMA] There is an art to this.

[LOGIC] There is not. This is a different sort of happenstance. The events that have led to your flushed appearance are not a simple point of life, nor something to be proud of.

But it is, a simple point of life. Accentuation of Harry's simple existence. It is not something he can change, especially as that nausea begins to grow in his gut. His mouth feels full of cotton; his body so writhe with tension that he begins to tremble and grow dizzy. His nose feels like a small balloon in the middle of his face. His tongue feels swollen and snail-like, floundering about amidst tainted teeth as trembling hands cusp beneath the faucet and draw splashes of water toward his lips.

[ELECTROCHEMISTRY] Drink, but it will not replace what you need. No, this is nothing, brother. The best cure for a disease like this is indulgence. Morphine, cigarettes, rum… You need them again. You will not survive without them. This? This is—

[COMPOSURE] Embarrassing.

[AUTHORITY] Weak. How do you expect anybody to take you seriously? Nobody would listen to someone so pathetic.

The taunts were met with the sound of the door slamming; a minute signal in the grand scheme of things. It went unnoticed by those in the wing's hallway. To them, it was business as usual. If not Harry, then Satellite-Officer Vicquemare. If not Vicquemare, then Captain Pryce.

[RHETORIC] The police aren't there to mess up; the police are there to preserve the mess.

[ENCYCLOPEDIA] Says the professor of Ecole Normale de Revachol. Someone has been reading in his spare time.

[LOGIC] Or simply observing with a clear mind.

[ESPIRIT DE CORPS] This is a dangerous line of thinking to be falling down. Your past airing of grievances with the RCM has earned you several stern talkings to. In his office, Captain Pryce grimaces at the clutched papers in his aging hands.

[RHETORIC] It was addiction that saved you. Easier to blame the abstract than to examine the system.

A shiver. Harry wasn't the only one struggling. He knew that, even before his days of total sobriety. This sort of culture was normalized; expected of its officers. Many of his habits he fell into through the hands of his coworkers, even if they were not his introduction to the idea. Of course, things were different now. After his outburst, and the disaster in Martinaise, the RCM began cracking down on the use of substances among its officers. Many, like Harry, suddenly found themselves thrust into the true responsibility of duty. Conscious and aware to the severity of their workloads. Many quit. Many more fell into old habits and were systemically demoted until the work no longer supported their needs. And those, like Harry, leaned into the work. Buried themselves in mountains of paperwork chasing that adrenaline-fueled high by doing something—anything—to feel alive.

Yet they never did. Harry never did.

Time blurred past and he was, effectively, the same old corpse he always was. A puppet of the RCM's agenda. The failed Dick Mullen. The swaying body strung from the rafters, dancing along to the fluttering shimmer of the disco ball.

Then, there is nothing. Only warm, primordial blackness. An inordinate amount of time passes, not even measurable by the distant, rhythmic technological beeps.

[PERCEPTION] Hospital monitors? No. Alarms. An alarm.

[LOGIC] It must be morning. We should get up.

[VOLITION] We shouldn't. We can't. It's much too difficult.

The soft rustling of sheets.

[PAIN THRESHOLD] Easy…

Muscles ache and the silence is inevitably broken by a low groan. Sunlight filters in through dusted curtains, particles coming to fill the air as a heavy hand finds itself upon the alarm clock beside him. Equally heavy feet find the floor, though remain unable to hold the body above them. In a quick sequence, Harry finds himself on the floor, slumped and slouched in an all too familiar position. The aches stop, albeit briefly. Like a fly to the ointment, his conscience sticks to it. Chases it as the limbed and headed machine of pain and undignified suffering awakens itself once more. He is on his feet again, cotton cloth sliding across the floor as his body wills itself to the bathroom.

A mirror hangs above a bent, not broken, sink. Languid hands find themselves upon the faucet, though are gentler in the way they manipulate it. Hot water sprays from the stem and steam covers the mirror. Harry cannot see himself, just the outline of a man.

[CONCEPTUALIZATION] There is an irony in seeing the image. It was not always like this.

[VOLITION] Those days are long gone, now.

Cloth falls from the man's frame, though it remains obscured by the apparatus before him. He slowly reaches his hand toward the surface of the mirror…

[INLAND EMPIRE] You're certain you wish to do this? You may not like what you see there.

[HARRY] I don't care.

A deft motion. The condensation on the reflective surface gives under the palm that wipes it, leaving in its path a clear view to the tired visage that stares back. To the naked, pallid flesh that rolls from a slumped frame. Hair highlights various pathways, traveling down between taped and tucked mounds and rolling along the rumbling stomach, and continuing through the fog and beyond the sink's barrier. It traverses the adhesive edges of Harry's binding (he's still thankful he has learned this alternative; not only does it keep his natural form, but it allows him to wear his shirts open with pride) and over his shoulders. Down thick arms to the bruised knuckles that hold the porcelain lip of the sink. It flutters out, then reappears upon his rounded jaw, mutton chops growing thickened around his lips. He's due for a shave, but a part of him enjoys this rugged look. It's… different. He's different.

He's happy.

[COMPOSURE] You're exhausted.

[SAVOIR FAIRE] You've dropped the toothbrush. Again. Your hands feel foreign to your own body.

His eyes follow dirt-stained grout lines down to the floor, only to find that sad little toothbrush dried beside the trash bin. He's exhausted. Creaking and groaning, Harry bends to discard the brush; opts to simply swish some mouthwash and try not to think of the burning sensation that draws his nose to scrunch and his eyes to water. He does it twice. Perhaps to mask the fact he has not properly brushed and will have to save that act for after his shift. Perhaps because he feels he deserves the ache; it invigorates him. Begins to bring him back to life and pull him from the vice grip weariness holds on him.

But it isn't enough.

Not as he washes himself in the shower, nearly tripping over the tub's lip as he climbs out afterward. Nor as he finds himself slumped against the wardrobe door, idly flipping through his clothing options and looking for his RCM jacket.

[PERCEPTION] It… should be here. Why isn't it here? Don't tell me we've lost it again.

[LOGIC] Nonsense. We brought it home. It is here, just not put away.

It's not enough as he waits for the toast to pop from its apparatus, where the sudden click and ding nearly makes him crawl out of his skin. Coffee spills on his shirt, bringing him back to the wardrobe once more, digging around for a new shirt and tie. Back to the kitchen. New coffee in his cup. Butter and jam on cooling bread. Crumbs dust his facial hair, only unsettled from their rest when he reaches to scratch a persistent itch. It is then when the realization clicks.

He's exhausted. He is unmoving. Those early morning aches have not been shaken, and have in fact only worsened with his moving through the morning routine. His mind has been quieter; nearly absent. He can barely recall what he's done and what he hasn't, with the only clues being the visible changes in his appearance that signify—at the very least—that he's done the basics and cleaned himself. But that's just it. If he can't even recall this, how in the world could he find himself responsible for the safety of others. How could he find himself amidst the greater world around him, with dozens of eyes on him—some pleading, some scrutinizing?

He'd done it before, under worse circumstances… but he wasn't that kind of animal anymore. He didn't want to be that kind of animal anymore.

Which is why, with a swaying physique and a hoarseness in his voice, he found himself on the phone with whichever unfortunate soul would find themselves on the other end of the line. Unfortunate, not for taking in his call-in, but for having to present it to Vicquemare and Pryce.

[ESPIRIT DE CORPS] Early morning ire. Slender knuckles knock on the door to ask permission to enter; it is granted. From his throne, Pryce sneers at the individual before him. His brow twitches, his posture stiffens.

[CAPTAIN PRYCE] What the hell do you mean he called out?

[ESPIRIT DE CORPS] A pregnant pause. The avoidance of eye contact.

[UNKNOWN] He just did… Said something about feeling under the weather.

[ESPIRIT DE CORPS] The response was faint. Nearly whispered as the other end of the reigning duo entered with a stack of papers.

[JEAN VICQUEMARE] Who called out?

[CAPTAIN PRYCE] Your star pupil.

[ESPIRIT DE CORPS] Jean's posture slackens and he sneers. It's evident the sarcastic jab was more than enough to clue him in. Yet there is a subtleness in his eyes that almost suggests concern. He sets the papers on Pryce's desk then walks out without another word.

Shoulders slump and a ragged sigh escapes as Harry undoes his tie and discards it, absentmindedly tossing it to the coffee table. His shirt follows as he sinks into the comfortable contour of the couch. Tired eyes slip shut, coaxing the surrounding musculature to relax and begin a rippling effect. He melts, and for once he can feel the day passing.

And for once, he does not care. He deserves this rest, and nothing can convince him otherwise.

#txt #my fics #long post #pale static gift exchange #lmk if this needs to be tagged! idk if anything i wrote was necessarily graphic enough for any tw/cw but still <3 #disco elysium #harry du bois #hdb #featuring:#jean vicquemare #captain pryce #trans!hdb #<- bc i saw you mention that re: including a romance plot and YES MORE TRANS HDB TRUTHERS... ily (platonic)

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